part one of maybe a thousand.....

some years back i figured out some kinda cool concept and did an audio
on it. at the time i was doin' weekly audios. and then shortly after that,
i read erich fromm's book 'to have or to be?'.......where he was explaining
the same thoughts that i had rambled about in the audio!

oh gosh, that was so cool. i was thinking like erich fromm! talk about a tickle!
he, of course, was a tad more articulate and grown up about the whole thing.
i think i had some goofy phrase for it all....actually, it was a dr. suess kinda title
that i gave the whole thing.

okay, so now all these years later i think about it and i think....okay, they
weren't the same at all! but! they did go together nicely! so much for the tickle
of being fromm-like. sigh. it was nice while it lasted.....

let me start with fromm's stuff. (seems only fair).......

i think you can kinda say it like this......
the basic point was that you wanted to live life like a verb, not a noun.
the verb would be the 'be' part. the noun would be the 'have' part.

love's a great topic to use for an example.

and here's straight from his book -

this is the 'have' part.....

'When love is experienced in the mod of having it implies confining,
imprisoning, or controlling the object one 'loves.'  It is strangling, deadening,
suffocating, killing, not life-giving. What people call love is mostly a misuse
of the word, in order to hide the reality of their not loving.'

( i just want to hop up and down and scream YES! to that part!)

here's the 'be' part......

"In reality, there exists only the act of loving. To love is a productive
activity. It implies caring for, knowing, responding, affirming, enjoying:
the person, the tree, the painting, the idea. It means bringing to life,
increasing his/her/its aliveness. It is a process, self-renewing and self-increasing.'

(okay, i want to hop up and down all over again and scream YES!YES!YES!)

so all this sparked much excitement in me over here.
the ol' "to have or to be" stuff, ter!
gotta get back to looking at that.

i think it may spark a million blogs....or at least two or three more......
i've gotten completely fuzzy on the concept and have to go back and really look again.
cause i really have totally forgotten so much of this.

i just know it's a way of looking at your life that puts in perspective what you're doing.
and that that right there is enough to get us started. anyone else want to look at their
day and what they're doin' with it? we can play with that concept a bit.

and i dug out my audio from years ago and listened.
my gosh, i can ramble.
i'll sort thru those thoughts in a bit here.

right now i'm gonna take a walk and think about the noun/verb stuff!
was so excited i wanted to get it right out here so anyone else who wanted to
play could too!

back to back

okay, this is kinda cool for me to watch.

i'm always talkin' to people about their journeys, ya know?
it's pretty much what i like to talk about.

and because of that, i get to watch a whole buncha different approaches
to dealing with life stuff and the stuff that holds us back.

oh man, well the coolest stuff has shown up back to back.
and interestingly enough, both stories are with males.

the first guy keeps tellin' me he wants to face things and figure them out.
yet he's doin' everything he can to avoid it.
he's sharing his journey, asking for input, so i get to watch it close up.

i keep mentioning the detours, and he keeps nodding, agreeing, and then
veering off in yet another direction.

i keep saying to him to do whatever he wants, just be honest about what
it is you're doing.

cause i think that part is soooooo important. the just admitting what's really going on.
the being honest.

well, he's just not there yet.
he's so not there.

i get a lot out of watching that. it's not like i never veered off track and didn't
want to face things. so this shows me a lot and reminds me of what i really want.
and it shows me how being dishonest with ourselves really isn't any easier!

the next guy stepped up and said he wasn't okay about what he had to do,
but was doin' it anyway. and commented on how hard it was, but he was okay
with it. he'd do what he saw as right and healthy. even if it was really hard.

and what's cool there is even if he doesn't follow thru on his plans, he's totally
looking at what he's doing and why.

it's not like we're totally gonna get it right just cause we're trying. but i can
see how much the trying and facing it honestly is gonna make a difference
for him. and how tryin' to head to the healthy is such a good goal.

it just happened that these things landed back to back for me.
and i watched and thought 'wow, would you look at that.'
it was like diagrams for me - this is what happens when you won't look at it,
this is what happens when you do.

and then.....you know what? it's not like the outcomes are all rosy and
beautiful. it's all hard stuff. no matter which approach you take. it's all hard stuff.
and it's not gonna guarantee pretty outcomes.

cause that's the way life works!

so right there it's great for me to watch.
it's not about the outcome!

oh man.....here we go again - it's not the destination, it's the journey.

it so so is.

and how is it you want to journey with yourself?
and who do you want to be as you travel?

i'm watchin' and thinking and mulling and turning it all onto my own road.

inspired

the guy's a ball of passion.
i hadn't talked to him in a long time and i'd forgotten.
but there we were, talkin', and my insides were smilin' away.
and all i remembered of his gusto came rushing back to me.
i love passionate people.
i like their intensity.

we only talked a few minutes, and i still walked away inspired.

i thought of him as i walked this morning.

he's my age and doin' physical labor all day.
i asked him how the heck his body was holdin' up.
he told me he's never felt better.
i loved hearing that.
and then he made me laugh by mentioning he DID feel it all
in the mornings. but he walked the kinks out every morning
and did great  after that.

i loved that too. it just made it real to me.

he's always been in great shape ever since i've known him.
he works hard. real hard. i know that keeps him goin'.
but there's that other stuff too.
his passion.
his attitude.
he really really cares about what he does.

i thought of how that's gonna give him so much.

but you know, he hasn't had an easy road either.
i know he's struggled with some of his dreams and where they'd take him
and what he should do. i imagine he sat in a few pits of despair more than
once in the last ten years. and he's passionate. so those pits were probably
pretty deep.

but to love what you do, and to keep goin' no matter what. to change
direction enough and do what you have to, but to always keep moving forward...
well that's what it seems like he's done. and he just exudes that. it spills
out of him.

and just thinking about that all inspired me.

both ways. physical and mental.

they are so intertwined.
so i'm back on track this morning.
think i had been veering off a bit.
but just talkin' to him helped me a ton.

i want to fill my days with living from the center of my passion.
i want to work with my body and know that it's something to take
care of and fuel properly. i want to pay attention to where i put
my energy, and grow the good stuff.

i don't think i'll ever exude my passion quite the same way as this guy.
but i want to exude it in my own way.
i want a quiet, burning intensity that comes from that fire inside that
cares so much about what i do.

what a cool goal.....
stepping back into it all today.
and feelin' good.

a really good reminder

i gave it a lotta thought before i offered it.
i thought it thru as much as i could.
i gave it a lotta thought before we met.
asked a friend for her thoughts.
asked my guy for his.
and then did some more thinking.

tried to cover all the angles in my head.

and yes......i KNEW i couldn't control it, and went in with that knowing.

but you know what i forgot?

how little i really do know!

i forgot how little i know.

and you know what? i think that's a really good thing to keep in mind.
so the reminder did me a world of good.

there was something major that happened that never even occurred to me
in all my pre-planning/thinking. there were other things i saw that i had never
even thought to include in all my thoughts.

good stuff.

which makes me laugh.
cause a lotta times it's not good stuff that i haven't  figured in.

so it was nice it was good stuff.

and i was happy about the good stuff....

but i'm way happier about this - i know very very very little.
and if i can remember that and just bring my best to the table every day,
and let the universe flow around me, and if i can just release into that flow.....

well, it wouldn't get better than that.
i couldn't figure out better things and better ways.

i have no control anyway.
why don't i just release into the beauty of that and go with it?

that's what i was reminded of yesterday.
it felt good to see that lesson again.
i needed it.

more seeing

he's young, starting to see some stuff about himself and asking for a little help
in what to do with it.

we decided we're gonna try some work together with it all.
and in thinking about his story, his struggles, his blocks, i tried to come up with
stuff to help him.

and of course, it was stuff that would help me, or anyone.
because that's how it works.

it's 'looking' stuff.

i'm gonna sit down later today and try to outline it a bit.
but everything i came up with was 'looking/seeing' stuff.

really looking at things that have happened and seeing the people involved,
including himself.  that kinda thing.

really looking at what he does to get thru and what it does to his life.

looking.
seeing.
saying it out loud and working with it.

as i walked and thought of it this morning, i shook my head in how much it tied
in with my sadness from yesterday. the people just not looking, just not seeing,
just not saying it out loud. and all the pain and suffering that has created.

i'm not confident he'll come to the real looking and seeing and saying it out loud.
i think i'm holding back on the confidence cause then i'll get swept up in wanting
an outcome for him. and i think that's the worst thing i can do for him. so i'm keeping
myself away from that.

just gonna offer what i can and leave it to him. that seems really important to me.

but here's the thing.....it's gonna totally affect me.
it already has.

in thinking of things i want to ask him, i turn them onto myself.
oh man.

trying to see the other people in the hard situations i've been thru.
seeing them as people with their own stuff.
i've done a lotta work on that. spent a lotta time with that.
but you know what? i think that's a forever project.
you can always do more.

and then, the more you see, the more you know there is still yet to see.

about you.
about the people around you.

a forever project.

i'm gonna see if i can get him on the road a bit with it today.
but i know that's not my deal - 'getting him' anywhere.
i can offer.
and that's it.

what's my deal is doin' my own seeing.

so i'm gonna take what goes on today between him and i,
and i'm gonna work with myself with it.

because i think seeing is one of the most important things we can ever do.
and for some reason, we really blind ourselves over and over and over again.

those eyes

i wasn't expecting it.
innocently walked into it.
altho, i shoulda seen it coming.
i really shoulda.
but i didn't.

and i got sad.
one of those deep sads that you just can't shake.

i kept working and doing my thing, and talking and that kinda stuff.
but the sad was weighing in there heavy.

it was filled with the pain of the world. but it was more than that.
it was what we do to ourselves and each other. how we spend so
much of our time here creating misery or accepting misery that can
be changed.or just plain ol' not looking at things and then hurting so
much because of that.

i quit a few minutes early so i could unwind a bit before he got here.
i put on some opera music. i don't know much about opera music,
or what's good or what's not, but i put on one song that just moves me
and then kept on goin' with it.

i closed my eyes and let the sadness of humanity swirl thru me.
i just released into it. my feelings were finding voices that understood.
and it felt good.

and when he got here, i just so wanted to sit in a spot of love for a bit.
where there wasn't a buncha pain and hurt and darkness. but where there
was love and caring and light.

he was just what i needed.
i looked into those marvelous eyes of his.
and saw a good good person.
a person who does the work to see what's goin' on.
a person who wants to concentrate on what matters and is strong and healthy
on the inside. just a plain ol' good guy.

i just needed to see that in person. in the eyes.
i just needed to get lost in those eyes a bit.

i've needed him for a lotta things over the years, but this time was just a bit
different. i needed him to remember the good stuff of humanity. i needed him
to be a place to hold on to and remember. and i so did.

and i've been thinking about that this morning.
i don't care if it's your partner, your best friend or whoever....
we all need someone like that.
someone who's eyes remind us of goodness.
someone who's eyes can bring us rest.

dabblin' with the guilt....

guilt has been on my mind.
big time.

i talked to someone who's been carrying guilt around for so many years.
i can look at her and say 'drop it, it's not yours.'
and i know darn well that's easy for me to say.
but if she coulda just dropped it, she would have. years ago!

and so i turn to my own self.
and my own guilt.

oh yeah.
the ol' 'drop it' stuff doesn't work so well when you turn it onto yourself.

so that's pretty much a pointless thing to say, isn't it?

altho, i guess it's not totally pointless. cause it's good to  know that's the goal.
and it's good to be reminded the guilt is out of proportion.

something i think is interesting about guilt is the different layers to it.
i always remember something one of my counselors told me.

i had some major guilt when i went in to see her.
i couldn't put it down.
and she told me that it was serving me some purpose or else i'd be able to put it down.

that floored me.

and of course i looked at it.
we decided together that it told me that 'i mattered.'
the guilt made me matter in a certain situation.

at the time, i grabbed that and went with it.
it's funny looking back, i don't buy it as much -
too neat and tidy and didn't really fit.

BUT i think there's a point there that needs to be held.
if we're not letting something go, there's probably some pretty complicated
reasons we're holding on to it. and yeah, i'm thinking those reasons are serving us
some purpose. and i'm thinking it's probably not really healthy.

that's it.
that's as far as i got.
not very far, is it?

hearing this woman carrying around this guilt for all those years has me thinking tho.
i think it's time to dabble with my guilt.
see what it's giving me.
see why i won't put it down.

hmmmm....

an important discussion

realizing how little i knew/understood about anorexia,
i went over to the bone sigh arts facebook page and asked for help
in understanding it.

women who have been down that road and some still in the middle of the road,
have come and shared their explanations. it's still ongoing, i believe, and for me,
it has been an incredible read.

i just cannot believe how little i know and understand about this.
and i think of all the.....what? i don't even know what to call them!
the different 'disorders'??  'struggles'?? whatever the word.....all these different
demons that people fight that i don't know anything about.

and i wonder how could i not really know?
this is so huge for so many people.

if you want to join in the conversation, you're more than welcome.
it's over on the facebook page. feel free to join us.

one of the coolest things ever...

one of the things that makes me laugh about myself is my incredible ability
to goof things up.

i mean, i have a talent for it.

and yes, there are days it gets me down and i'll cry about it.
but i gotta say, more often than not, it hits my funny bone and makes me
laugh really hard.

things like this -

i get a great reaction to one of the quotes of the day.
the reaction is so good, i decide i should make it a print.
then i rush extra fast because someone who placed an order
mentions the quote. i think it would be so cool to make the quote up,
and slip it in her package. i ask her if she can hang on just a bit,
and we agree. this will be fun.

i mention it to the guys. tell them i'm flabbergasted this particular
quote got such a good reaction. it's a god quote. those aren't generally
the ones people react to. go figure, i say. and shake my head.

well....see.......i can't even type this without laughing out loud.

guess who got the wrong quote???

THIS is classic terri stuff.

it WASN'T the god quote everyone reacted to! it WASN'T
the god quote the woman who ordered mentioned!

which i found out this morning from her note which was incredibly nice,
and gentle........but um......wrong quote.

and again, i'm giggling as i type.

part of me cringed because i would never send anyone a god thing without
them asking for it. i see way too much presuming on people's parts with other
people's beliefs. and i wouldn't do that. but there i was, unknowingly doing that!

so i wrote her back, explained that i was cringing and laughing and sorry.
cause i was all three of those things.
but the laughter.
ohmygosh, the laughter.

it's just too funny.

it hits me funny because these are the things i do with such gusto!
with such enthusiasm!
with such full force blundering!

and the cool thing? we end up talking which we wouldn't have done otherwise.
and stuff gets shared. and things happen with these goof ups of mine.
i mean, really cool things happen with some of the goof ups.

not all of them, of course.
some would probably be much better if they hadn't have happened.
but most just kinda sort themselves out in a bit of a comical way with
a bit of the cosmic mixed in.

so, i'm gonna work on the RIGHT quote today.
which i shouldn't as i have no time.
but who could resist, ya know?

and i grin, and i think of the 'terri is a nice girl, she's just very careless'
that all my teachers said year after year about me.

who knew that'd be one of my most amusing traits?
who knew that it would add a lot to living?
and yeah.....make me cry on some days.
but make me laugh a whole lot more.
and who knew that part of me would hold a real great chunk
of the cosmic magic in my life?

there's cosmic magic in the goof ups.....but i think we need the laughter to find it.

and that in itself is one of the coolest things ever.

the gold

she has one of the backgrounds that people tend to have who come thru
bone sigh arts - rough. and not just rough, but prolonged rough. you know?
where the abuse continues over a long period of time. where the family background
was no picnic. you guys know those stories, many of you live those stories.

what i'm forever amazed with is watching women take that pain, those wounds,
scars, hurts and turn them around into some kinda offerings for other people.
i see that a lot and nod when i see it. cause i know those women are healing.
i know they'll be healing for a lifetime, and i know that feels so slow to them,
but i also know they WILL be healing.

there's something about offering it to others, helping others heal that helps you heal.
not sure why, just have witnessed it enough to be a believer.

the fates have given me a gift with this particular woman. they've allowed me to
watch part of her process, and the beginnings of her offering. she's working on
opening a woman's center.

the guys and i got to get a bit of a tour yesterday. she's still getting it all together,
but noah and i have been in on some of the stuff, so we got to go check it out.

i have NEVER seen a place like this. i've been to plenty of counseling offices,
women's centers, and helping places before, and nothing comes close to the
beauty of this place. the energy of it.

she told me some of the plans, and i keep thinking of what gold she is offering.
how many women will be touched by this. how many lives will be affected. and
i keep thinking of how perfect this woman is for this offering. how i don't think
anyone could do a better job.

and here's the thing - it's because of all she's been thru, all she understands because
of that, and who she become as she's traveled.

i sat there looking at her, remembering a time in my life when i figured out that
the things that had happened to me formed the life i have now. and i remember the
first time i ever really realized it, and the feeling of gratitude that washed over me.

i thought of all she'd been thru, all she's still going thru, all she'll struggle with forever.

how can we feel gratitude for all that pain?
maybe it's not for the pain......i guess it's for where it brought us and continues to bring us.
but it's hard to separate the whole deal.

and it's moments like that, sitting there in a healing place, looking at a woman who's
beauty just shimmers, feeling all she is about to offer, knowing all she's been thru -
it's moments like that when i get a glimpse of the miracle part of being human.

there's these fleeting moments where i can see that this journey thru life truly is miraculous.
and all the dirt and grime and dust and ashes can't hide the gold. maybe it does for
a little bit, but it can't forever. and when that gold glimmers, my gosh, it just knocks
me to my knees.

the gift of being human - there's so much to it all.
and yesterday i was reminded in a big time way of the gold of the journey.

a new angle

so it was kinda interesting.
the play was filled with intellectual/artistic snobbery.
and that ran thru the whole thing.
i mean that was part of the theme.

it was an awesome play. truly probably one of the best i'll ever see.
it made me think and i'm still carrying it around with me.

but i keep grinning at some of the intellectual/artistic snobs
in the audience. they had no idea how much they fit in with the
theme of the play. couldn't see themselves.

then i thought of a conversation, where someone couldn't see how
similar they were to the person being discussed.

and i remembered back to the beginning of the bone sigh days.
i swear, i wrestled so long and so hard over the concept of
'seeing myself'.......it drove me crazy trying to see and not being
able to.

i finally gave up on it.

but you know what? this morning i'm thinking maybe i can approach it all from
a different angle.

i thought you had to see who you were. see the whole picture. see what
was truly there.

that's a tough thing to do. so many tricks inside. so many filters and
blind folds.besides the fact that we're fluid and changing all the time.

but how about seeing yourself in each moment?
THAT seems like something you can do.

are you who you want to be, when you're doin' this?
how about this over here? when you do that, are you being who you picture
yourself as?

i can actually do that.
i can see that stuff.
'oh no, i really wasn't who i thought i was there with that goin' on. look at
how i acted. but look at why i did. so this is goin' on inside of me. and it
comes out this way.'

i can do that.
i can see that.
and i can understand some of the forces that drive me to change at
different moments.

and it wasn't til this morning that i figured out this angle.
ten years in, having given up on seeing myself, i got a new angle.

it's the moments.
if you can see what 's goin' on in the moments.

and here's the kicker - to really do that, you gotta see all around you.
you gotta see what the other person is doing and why, how you react
to them, and how then they react to your reaction.

it isn't all about you. it's all about you in relation to the world.

you gotta be present, aware and open.......

easier said than done.
but looks to me like it's way way worth it.
here we go again......only this time, i got a new angle.

staring

'it's up to us to make our own happiness.'

i keep thinking about this concept, and i readily admit, i'm like a darn spoiled brat.
because part of me just hates this. part of me would really rather you just
handed me my happiness.

yeah, truly.

but that's the part that's not really understanding.

the part of me that sees a little bit more, figures this truly is a great set up.

i know. i know. it's one of those darn trite sayings.
that trite little saying that i just roll my eyes at when i'm so far away from it,
or nod knowingly when it's working.

i'm doin' neither this morning.

i'm just thinking about it, kinda standing there staring at it in wonder,
part of me hating it, part of me admiring it.

i feel more centered today than i have in days.
part of that is hangin' with my guy and just bein' close to someone i trust so much.
part of that is hangin' with myself and asking myself how i'm feelin' and what i need.
part of that has been actively workin' on the 'dark parts in my heart' the last few days.
altho, i've still got a few pretty dark ones i gotta look at yet.

i'm MORE centered than i have been in days.
can't say i'm centered tho.

BUT i see that it's really about what's goin' on in my head.
and it's up to me what i let go on there.

i mean - there's no kidding about that - that's the deal.
it's up to ME what i let go on there.

sigh.

and yeah, when i can't do it alone, i need to reach out to ones i trust to
help me.

so i'm just standin' here starin' at that thought this morning.
not moving towards it. not moving away from it.
just staring.

and thinking someone actually did set up this being human deal in a pretty cool way.

yeah

i was workin' on gettin' the 'darkness outta my heart' yesterday.
i like that wording. good visual.

altho, i wasn't sure how far i was getting.
til i woke up this morning with a knowing.

even if i get hurt, i'm still gonna be who i want to be.

that's it.
that's really all i gotta say this morning.

but i'm grinning, cause over here, right this moment, it means a whole ton.

s'all good....

you know how you wait for a shoe to drop?
you know how you go along feeling so good and you think...
'okay, where's the shoe that's gonna land on my head?'
and you KNOW you shouldn't think like that...but you do anyway?

well i had been that way. had a fantastic entry into 2012 that kept
moving right into february.

where the heck's the shoe?

well, yeah, it dropped.
felt kinda like a hiking shoe.
and then while i was kinda layin' there with a shoe on my face,
the other one landed.

that one felt like a work boot.
a steel toed work boot.

plop. smash.

you know what's so cool tho?
they both landed, and yeah i'm figurin' there's only two.
so i got 'em.

i'm already up from the first one. there's a little mark left. i can
still feel the hurt if i push a little bit. but it's mostly gone. and the
other one....well, okay, that one still hurts even without touching it.
but they landed! and i got thru 'em.

so now i'm done with the shoes. well, almost....a little more work
and i'll be done with the shoes.

and i can go back to good stuff.

or wait a minute.
were the shoe/boot things good stuff?

i sent this to a friend yesterday - it'a s quote from anam cara -

'Though the human body is born complete in one moment,
the birth of the human heart is an ongoing process. It is being
birthed in every experience of your life. Everything that happens
to you has the potential to deepen you. It brings to birth within you
new territories of the heart.'

hmmmm....so the shoes/boots are part of the journey.
yeah, i guess i knew that. but chose to forget. cause they hurt.

oh, silly girl, when will you get it that that's okay???
and when will you just know that you'll get thru the hurt just fine,
and go back to the play with just as much gusto? or.....maybe even
a little more gusto....because maybe the hurt reminds you of how
good the joyful is.
and when will you get that there's always more than two shoes?
they're always there. and it just doesn't matter.

cause EVERYTHING that happens to you has the potential to deepen you.

i wonder if i'll ever stop looking for the shoes to drop, know they're out
there already, and just keep focused on the moments. every single one of
them...the shoe filled, and the barefoot ones.

's'all good. in it's own darn way.

blues, grays, and blinding flashes of love

well, i spose the ones that knock you silly always come outta the blue,
don't they?

and i've learned something along the way.
when i get knocked silly, there's a certain feeling that comes over me.
it's the 'beside myself' feeling.
which i've come to learn is a form of 'dissociating.'
it's when it hurts a lot and so you kinda 'leave.'
for me, i feel a bit like i'm standing next to me (beside myself)
i'm not exactly inside myself. certainly as far from centered as i get.
and i feel kinda like someone took a rough washcloth and rubbed the inside
of my head with it.

yeah. that's the feeling.

and it landed on me.

i'm better now. and definitely aware of it all and watching.

here's the thing that's captured my attention -

all the ingredients were there -
completely feeling unseen, blamed for something i didn't do,
discounted, and not valued. feeling totally as if i was a token,
a pawn, a thing to use to fill a void....

a feeling that will bring up just about every issue in my book.

and then.....and this is the part i can't stop looking at now......
everyone that mattered to me in the situation was there for me.
no one blamed me at all. everyone knew what had happened, or
if they didn't, they knew it was something to help me make right.
everyone completely and totally loved me.

what i saw was past stuff that can only carry the weight i allow it in my
present life. and i saw the value of what filled my present life.

today, my job is to put the weight down and hold the love.
and i totally want to do that.

the love is blindingly bright.
the other is so sorrowfully gray.

i think i'll work on putting the weight down with compassion.
as that gray has never known the brightness that fills my life.
yeah, i think i will do it with compassion.

because, somehow, thru all the muddle and dysfunction, i came out the lucky one.
i have no idea how that works.
but i tell ya, i'm so grateful for that.

i guess the least i can do is have compassion.

sharing

someone pointed me to the last few chapters of 'eat, pray, love' recently.
so i settled in and checked them out again.

and i got this part.......
i'm a bit off this morning with time and just now heading to ride
my bike. this is what i'm taking along with me to think on -

'They say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at
the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins,
the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into
the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that
there is another force operating here as well - the future tree itself,
which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing
the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution
from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak
tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.'

'I think about the woman I have become lately, about the life that I am now living,
and about how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life,
liberated from the farce of pretending to be anyone other than myself. I
think of everything I endured before getting here and wonder if it was
me-I mean, this happy and balanced me, who pulled the other, younger,
more confused and more struggling me forward during all those hard years.
The younger me was the acorn full of potential, but it was the older me,
the already existent oak, who was saying the whole time: 'Yes - grow!
Change! Evolve! Come and meet me here, where I already exist in
wholeness and maturity! I need you to grow into me!' And maybe it was this
present and fully actualized me who was hovering four years ago over that
young married sobbing girl on the bathroom floor, and maybe it was me
who whispered lovingly into that desperate girls' ear, 'Go back to bed,
Liz...' Knowing already that everything would be OK, that everything
would eventually bring us together here. Right here, right to this moment,'


i love this when i reread it the other day.
and this morning as i type it, i find it makes me cry.

gonna go think about it as i ride.
wanted to share.......

for our hearts...

for valentine's day - cause it's got to start with yourself first before you
can really pass it along....

for you and your own heart i offer -

a vow to my heart

i will work on the act of listening to you
and my listening abilities will grow. 
i will honor those things you relay to me and act upon them. 
when i act upon them,
i will know that i am living my truth 
and owe no explanations to anyone.
i will believe in your ability to accept all emotions 
and will not close down to protect you.
i will direct my energies and my power
to a place that will strengthen you,
not deplete you.
i will follow you in the way i wish the world would follow you.
the child of the universe and the heart shall meld 
and we shall dance as one.

decisions

i have a hard decision to make.
actually, i've already made it.
i just have to catch up with it and be okay with it.
really okay.
deep down okay.
cause i'm gonna have to stick by it and believe in it.

i've got that 'good girl' stuff so deep inside.
throw in the catholic guilt/good girl stuff where you need
to sacrifice who you are for everyone around you...
ohmygosh......and boundaries can come hard.

i've gotten really good at a lot of boundary making.
really good.

but then....the ones that are complicated for me really snag me.
trip me up, and leave me sitting on the curb totally confused as
to what i should be doing.

i was on the bike thinking about it.

that sentence that's been floating around in my head for a few weeks
now came to mind - about how the really unhealthy will take everyone
down around them.

it occurs to me i should be clear here as to what i mean by 'really unhealthy'
as someone reading this might think i mean them!! and i don't.
cause if you're reading this, you're reading it cause you're trying to figure
your thoughts out or your journey out or something like that.
you're thinking and aware and trying. anyone searching is working on
their health.

it's the ones who will never stop here or any place that might help them
think about themselves. the ones who are sure they're just fine, and it's
everyone around them that's the problem, as they continue on with their
self destructive behaviors. THAT'S who i mean.

and those people WILL take everyone down around them.
if everyone around them lets them.

and so the boundaries need to happen.
thing is, those seem to be the really complicated situations.
but as i rode, i kept thinking about goals.

what're my life goals? what is it i want? and are these sacrifices
getting me those?

if they were.....and they could be if certain things were a little different...
then okay, i could make some sacrifices.

but maybe that's where we have to really look.
are the sacrifices doin' any good? are they worth what's being given up?
are we just thinking they could be when in fact they're not and aren't
gonna be?

and that's a hard hard thing to really really look at.
i'm sittin' with this for another week. already gave myself that time.
but i'm pretty sure that the sacrifice is too great...
and i'm thinking it may actually be doin' harm on both sides.

that's something to look at too.
when i got divorced, i read books on being co-dependent. which
i totally lean into. i'm the enabler. the glorious enabler.
at least, i used to be.
i was a good one too.

once you see that, and you see the harm it caused/causes,
you draw back in repulsion. it's a scary thing to look at. to really look at.

and this morning i'm looking at that concept again.
am i part of a grand enabling?

am i part of something that's healing?
if not, then isn't it time i stopped sacrificing to it?

yeah, prolly so.

but you know what i think the hardest thing about that is tho?
then i'm finally saying it to myself  -
'i give up.'

i've been saying that little bits at a time over and over.
you'd think i'd be ready for the last little bit.

it's hard to give up when you care.

and yet, therein lies the stuff of life, i think........

it's not mine to control.

for nancy

she died last year.
and it's been one i haven't wanted to hold.
we weren't  'close' in any regular way.
but she touched me and her heart changed me
and i just haven't wanted to hold it.

but they're finishing her book for her. and putting submissions
of friends in it as well.

and so this morning i finally sat down and just cried about her passing.

i didn't know i would.
but i should have guessed.

it was a spontaneous thing.
i've been meaning to write,
and this morning i just didn't feel like starting up all the regular
work and digging right in. i wanted to be quiet.

i watched one hand grab a piece of paper and saw the other
one hover over a pencil and a pen. it picked the pen and i watched.
and i sat there and thought of her. and i began to write.
and cry.

because she was loving and kind and talented and sooooo beautiful.
and if anyone flies with the angels, she does. and i hate it that we lose
each other. i really do hate that part.

for nancy.....

'gentle, kind and generous, you opened your heart to me.
when i admired your talent and your being, you smiled and
reminded me of my own worth.
and somehow, i believed in it a little bit more because of you.

and now, i picture you among the angels, showing them beauty
in a way even they have never seen.
and i know you are everywhere there is color.'

sharing quotes

i was sitting in the car waiting, and so i grabbed the motivational quote book
that was stashed in there. i flipped to a section that had a whole buncha quotes
by napolean.

motivational quotes by napolean? seriously?

okay. let's see what we got.

and what's the first one i read?

'A picture is worth a thousand words.'

napolean said that? really?  who knew?
now i'm all excited as i had no idea that was from napolean.
i love finding out where famous quotes came from.

next one down -

'A true man hates no one.'

napolean said THAT?!!


okay, so now i'm totally curious. and wondering about this guy.
how could a guy who wanted to conquer the world say that??
totally curious now.

here's some i particularly liked or thought interesting - i think they
really caught me because of who said them -

'Imagination rules the world.'

'Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.'

those two quotes grabbed me just for living my own life, ya know?
for inspiration to follow my heart. from napolean! i'm still kinda in shock.

'The truest wisdom is resolute determination.'
wow. i'm not sure what i think of that one.....have to mull on that.
what does that mean? in one sense it totally freaks me out.
yeah, that'd be a guy's mind who wanted to conquer you.
at the same time, when i flip it to bone sigh stuff and our journeys
and our healing.....it's kinda cool, isn't it???

here's another one i have to mull on -
'Courage is like love; it must have hope for nourishment.'
again, i flip that to our healing process and kinda want to mull on that.
that's an interesting one, isn't it? do you have courage? is it fueled by hope?

this one made me laugh and nod my head, in my mind this would
be completely a napolean quote - 'glory is fleeting, but obscurity
is forever.' or this one - 'I have only one counsel for you - be master.'

and yet....go ahead, do it with me......flip it onto the healing journey.
it can work, can't it?

and this last one i'm gonna share kinda grabbed me -
'Respect the burden.'

that's the one i chose to finish with.....
because that's what i wanted to offer as a reminder today.
for the burden's in our lives that we're dealing with.
i'm not sure at all what this guy meant by that, but to me it sounds pretty wise.

respect what you're going thru. the weight, the depth, the difficulty.
seems like if we do, we'd be a lot more compassionate with ourselves.

i have a feeling that's not how he intended that thought to be used.
but it feels important to me, so i wanted to share.

all of these kinda jostled up thoughts in me. was hoping they'd
jostle some in you.

and you know what? now i wanna read about this guy. what a mind
he musta had....i wonder about his heart......it musta been made of
such a weird mix.

kinda knocked me flat......

sometimes there's just nothing more to say than a great rumi quote!

ready???

OOOoooHHHhhhhhhhh this is a good one!



                       If God said,

          "Rumi, pay homage to everything
                  that has helped you
                          enter my
                             arms,"

   there would not be one experience of my life,
           not one thought, not one feeling,
                       not any act, I
                         would not
                             bow
                               to.

living life

i have this hanging in my bathroom.
it's one of the things we offer from our site.

it's the kinda thing that can handle the bathroom steam.
(i think. so far so good)

and i can see it when i'm in the shower.
which is the most awesome thing.
cause i go into the shower to think.
and i glance over.
i can just read a line or two or three and i get
perspective.
some of the lines just capture my heart for a bit...
and i just hold them.

i wanted to share it here.
cause i truly do enjoy it that much.
wanted to offer it as some sort of perspective for your
own days today.....

i hope you can read some of the lines. if not,
you can go here and see it better......

outta my way, i'm running....

the music was playing, we were talking and i stopped us.
'this line right here. this one. i just LOVE this line.'

and it's one that gets me every single time the guy sings it -
'outta my way i'm running.'

and i gotta tell you, i've been hearin' it for about a year now,
and when it really gets me is when i'm really runnin'.
away from something.
and i do that a fair amount in my life.
and when i run, i sooooo want to run.
get the heck outta my way.

as we talked about it, we both realized we had completely
different meanings to the line.

i have always always thought of it as running away.
and well, with the rest of the song lyrics, it is.
i'm not sure if i just knew it with the song lyrics around it, but i
don't think so. i think the way he sings it, it gets right to my running
away bones.

he only heard that one line and thought of it as running to something.

we laughed at our outlooks on the line.
if you just gave that one line to a woman and to a man, would they
come up with different thoughts? we both thought probably so.
he just doesn't think of running away from stuff.
which seems very male to me.

i think of running a lot.
which seems very terri to me.

anyway...there IS a point here.

i liked his take on the line.
now, granted, it didn't fit with the song.
but just the line.
i like that a lot.

and lately....for a whole month and a half (but who's counting??)
i feel like i'm running TO something. not away from anything.
and i can't tell ya how good it feels.

i'm headin' out for my walk this morning and i'm taking that line with me.
outta my way, i'm running.
don't stop me now.
cause it feels way awesome.

those darn journals!

okay so something so exciting is going on inside of me.
and i'm really really not sure how to convey it!
but i totally want to try!!

for new year's i started a journal thing. several journal
entries in the morning over breakfast. one's an intention
journal, one's a gratitude journal, and one's notes to my
little self.

i'm not crazy strict about it. i don't do it on weekends,
but get most weekdays in.

and it's really doin' awesome things that i just had no idea
would happen.

first of all  - the inner child journal - just short little notes to
my inner child....well you'd think no big deal, right?

but i tell ya!~ when i write them, i tune in to that part of me.
and i can feel myself tuning in. and i can feel how good it feels.
so every morning (almost) there's this intentional tuning in.
that feels good and healing.

it's fabulous!!

but the one that i see actually changing my days is the intention one.

cause what's happening is very simple, very basic......and very helpful.

i'm becoming AWARE of what's going on inside of me.

for example - monday morning when i sat down to write my intention,
i was exhausted. there was some drama around me that had interrupted
my sleep and continued into a hard morning. my intention was really simple
something like - allow myself the fatigue and don't push too hard. recognize
it and let it be there.

okay. fine. good. no big deal.

but i pay attention to that all day.
i don't forget now.
i leave it on my desk where i see it.
i don't chug coffee to get thru. i do what i can and what feels right.
i'm aware.

tuesday morning i sit to write, and i feel more rested but unsettled from all
the drama. by stopping and tuning in just then, i can feel i'm off center.
okay......so i write something about doing things to center myself that day.
pay attention and aim towards centering.

and so i do!
same deal, i'm aware of it all day and intentionally aim there.

okay......so fine. good. no big deal.

until this morning.......
i've now allowed the fatigue. then i've gently allowed the centering. made
space for it.

so this morning i feel good. even when there's a few goofy things that kinda
rattle that......something else will come thru and settle it right back down.
i notice this because as i sat down to do my intention, i could feel the good
mood bubblin' inside. so the intention is something like 'allow the good mood
to come on out and play.' and it does!

and i watch...and i see it happening.

and i'm thinking this good mood is a direct result of the last two days of
allowing myself what i needed.

ohmygosh.

again.......so simple.......so basic.....and soooooo darn cool!

and it's another example of where i woulda said, oh yeah, i tune in and
oh yeah, i know what i need during the day.

insert raspberry noise here please.

cause this is showing me such another level!

and you know darn well there's a whole bunch more deeper levels to go!

and i'm thrilled......and wanted to share!

a tidbit

i thought this was too awesome, i had to share.

read this last nite -

'when we were not allowed to have power in childhood -
that is, denied our rightful A of allowing - two long lasting
results can occur. first, we might, early on, have turned to
control as an alternative. control is the poor man's version of
power. we try to gain some sense of power by controlling
our environment and other people. control arises from compulsion
and increases our fear; true power arises from self -trust and
increases our self esteem.'

i totally loved the 'poor man's power' thing.....that just makes
me laugh. no kidding. no kidding.

thought it was helpful to remember.......
that's from david richo's 'daring to trust'

an ornery patch

so, okay, i admit it - i can get pretty ornery at times.

and i was feelin' way ornery when i got on my bike this morning.
i can't tell ya how many stories i hear where some really beautiful
person is struggling so deeply because of wounds caused by some
really sick and or dysfunctional people.

i just pedaled away and thought things like 'i just wish they could
see this isn't theirs and just leave it all behind.'

now, yeah, i include myself in this list of people...so i'm certainly
not detached. perhaps that's why the orneriness.

i was ticked that the icky guys always seemed to have the power.
all this beauty is meekly walking around and struggling and the
ick just keeps on rollin' thru squashin' everyone.

i was ticked and tired of them 'always winning.'

so yeah, i caught that phrase as i thought it.

always winning.

okay, ter......what's 'winning' mean??
are they really winning?

and then, yeah, it hit me.
yeah, it really did.
i got it.

i thought of what i watch people do, and what i know i've done....
we get so lost, so off center and we go searchin' as hard and as
deep as we can.

that's what we do to go find our souls our being our life our hearts.

and that's where the winning takes place.
yet we just really don't know it.
or we're way slow in seeing it.
but i can see it cause i watch it all the time around me.

people searching and giving every bit of themselves to the struggle,
feeling like they're getting nowhere, and yet, truthfully, going where
they need to go and absolutely 'getting there' - (even tho the further
we get, the more we see there is no 'there'. which is awesome
cool and way mind bending in a thought like this one.)

that's the person i'd rather be.

even tho i think it's possible the waves will come our whole lives
and knock us down again and again - i think the growth that happens
in between those waves and because of those waves is really truly
what it's all about. it really truly is the winning stuff.

it's not the waves that matter.

and i think of the people who hurt and squash and scar so deeply.
there's no way on earth those people are winning anything.

and so i settled down.
and i remembered to believe in the ones i see doin' the struggle,
and to believe in the process, and to believe in this whole darn
deal of life.

which is good timing for me as i've been watchin' the world spin
around and kinda wondering about it all. not feelin' so great about
the state of humanity.

this little spin on the bike settled me down a bit.
and reminded me of the things that really matter.
the deeper things.
the growing of ourselves. and the becoming more.

thinking about false.....

so we were talking about goals and how to achieve them.
not just achieving goals......but achieving them with someone who's got
some really deep issues. how that makes it so very complicated.
and changes what the goals are and what you do.

at least we thought so.

until we hit upon something as we talked.
and i smile as i type this.
seems all the stuff i'm typing is really truly no-brainer stuff.
and yet they all seem like great ideas to me!

it started by saying 'it's just false right now.'
and the word 'false' caught us both.

yeah. it was.
and we stumbled upon the idea of being true and honest to yourself.
and putting it out there.
even for those who seem somewhat emotionally crippled.

ya gotta laugh.
this was our big brainstorm - oh yeah.....be true to yourself.

so okay, i admit it doesn't sound like much.
but to me it did.
cause i think while the be true to yourself idea is perfect and
something easy to shoot for in a lotta places, it gets fuzzy when
we're dealing with someone we see as emotionally crippled.

we dance, we tip toe, we take care of, we try to nurture....
all the while doing no good whatsoever for either us or them.
but it seems like the kind thing to do. the loving thing to do.
or even the prudent thing to do. then things won't fall apart,
and we can keep going.

yeah.
right.

after we talked, i went about my business thinking about it.

what if we all knew what healthy was? and what if that was
our goal for ourselves always? and we just said without all
kindsa emotional strings attached - this is what's healthy for me,
and this isn't. and we didn't accept the not healthy?

oh man.
can you imagine?

it would not only make our lives so healthy, it would teach
everyone around us how to do the same.

i like to think i've got this down. and i do this a lot.
but where it gets fuzzy for me is exactly where it got fuzzy
in this conversation - when the goal becomes something other
than being healthy. when the goal becomes some certain outcome
and i become attached to that goal.

perhaps the goal should always always be 'what's the healthiest
thing for me right now?' and perhaps that goal should never waiver.

and i think of mister shakespeare and his quote i have hanging in
my studio - and look! he uses the word that started all this! false!

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

that tone

and so i watched.
both them and me.

i noticed the places where i kept my boundaries.
and i noticed the places where i was tempted to stretch them a bit.

the temptation got knocked out of me tho.
the moment i heard it in his voice.
that sound we make, that tone, when we've decided
not to make that hard change. not to do the healthy thing.

i know that tone.
both from my own self and from others.

and by now i know what that tone brings.
i've learned the hard way.

people don't always make the healthy picks.

and something occurred to me today -
it seems such an obvious thought.
and i'm not sure i ever had it before -

the more unhealthy we are, the more we cling to it and
don't want to change.

that just makes sense, does it not?
but it seemed new to me today.

and i thought of her.
and how incredibly unhealthy she is.

the kind of unhealthy that will take everyone down who
stays near her. because that's part of her deal.
to take you down with her.

and how he's going along. and how he's made the choice to go.

the sound. i could hear it so loudly.
and it only got louder.

and the louder it got, the stronger my reminders came back.
the reminders that boundaries are there for a reason.
and i need to keep them.

and it reminds me of the importance of my choices.

and i have a feeling, they'll be testing me with those.
i think i'll be ready tho. cause i saw a lot today. and i thought a lot.

and i wondered about a thousand times today why oh why we give our lives
away so easily.

what i paid for...

i think the whole 'journey' thing has caught my attention.
it's the journey of my life - but i guess it's with a new angle
of the different journeys inside the main one that i'm loving.

who knows. something like that.

but i think it's taken over more than i know as i seem to be
noticing other people's journeys. i seem to be really sensitive
in noticing those who have stopped and are sitting in the
middle of the road with their demons and not moving.

i've always noticed them. but it's a bit different this time.
they're like reminders for me.
and they keep reminding me of the gift of this life. and how
i want to live it. how i truly don't want to sit in the middle of
the road with my demons.

if i have to for a bit, yes.
and i have, yes.
and if i have to again, yes.
but always always with the intention of moving forward.
i so hope so anyway.

i'm hooked on 'the poets of the fall' these days and every time
i listen to them, certain lines of their songs just snag me. little
tidbits of lines. it's odd how the smallest little tidbit will get me.

this morning as i biked, the line that 'i want more, i want what
i paid for' grabbed my attention.

i want what i paid for.

i got to thinking about that.

i've paid a pretty high price for this living who i want to be deal.
and i don't want to forget that.
because i want what i paid for.

and getting what i paid for is totally up to me.
i want the 'real' the honest, the seeing, the journey of becoming all i can.
that's what i paid for.

i think of all the people i know, all the women fighting to get their lives
back. fighting their demons and many times those around them -
they're paying for what they want right now. or those who will find
themselves doing just that if they're not doing it already.

will we always keep in mind the price we paid, how much we value it,
and keep on going for it over and over again?

i don't think we need to hang on to the past.
i'm all for letting go.
just don't let go of what you did to get your present. and your future.
don't let go of what you paid for.

a reminder

it wasn't about healing.
it wasn't about tryin' to fix anything.
it wasn't about tryin' to understand emotions.

it was about the drama.

wow.

and maybe about narcissism.
it sure felt like that was part of it.
if not all of it.

narcissistic drama.

wow.

i watched it.
tried to offer a few things.
saw that was going nowhere and left.

but i've been thinking about it.
there's compassion there.
because this person is so stuck.
so so so stuck.
and i have compassion for that.

it can't be fun to be that stuck.

but what really really hit me about it was the people i meet thru
bone sighs.

people struggling, searching, trying so hard to get thru their stuff.
and so so many of them feeling like they're getting nowhere,
they'll never get to where they want to go.

and what i wanted to put out here for anyone reading this who knows
that feeling as well....i can tell you.....i witnessed it in sort of an opposite
way with this happening...

just the fact that you feel that way says something.
i really believe that.

you search and you try and you fall and you get up again and you try
again and you think it's just not working.

not so.

the very fact that you're searching has you miles down the road
and you don't even know it. the fact that you fall and get back up and
do it again - you're going where you need to go. you just can't see it
sometimes.

the fact that it's not the drama you're going for, but the healing.....
you are well on your way.

you may forget it.
you may not feel like it.
but i'm here tellin' you i totally believe it.

trust the process and keep on goin'.
and remember to have compassion for those who won't ever
even know that there's a search to be on......

makin' art

i've been workin' on some original art to add to our website.
and i tell ya, i can do it forever. i get lost in it and love it.
the problem is - i grab the quotes that *i* want to work with.
and well, that's not usually the ones you'd pick with an eye to sell.
but i can't help it.
i sit down and say i'll be smart about it.
and then - i get lost and end up being me about it.
and then i grin and don't care.

we'll see.....i may have a lotta originals floating around my house for
a very long time.

this morning i stopped and looked at one that i made recently.
and i think i may end up taking it and making a print from it.
because i think it'll sell? nah, not really. and this is where i laugh at myself.
it's not great marketing. but it's so from the heart because i wish every woman
would have it hanging in her house and use it to remember. i really really do.
so i gotta make this a print.

here's the quote -

a child and a woman dwell together.
she is me,
and i am her.
separate and not.
the more we see of each other,
the more we see the gift that we carry.
bowing down,
holding hands,
we step deeper
and deeper into the dance.

there's a lot in there that i like.....
and it makes me think of the notes i've been writing to my inner child in the mornings.
it's one of my new year's resolutions. just quick little notes in the morning.
and i swear, when i do that, i can feel her. and  it feels so good.
and i'm starting to see more and more how we're separate and not.
and that it's together that we offer the real gifts of who i am.
when you get us together, you really get who i am.

more and more i feel that.
more and more i see that.

and this darn dance of living......more and more i see there's so many depths to it.

yeah, i gotta make this a print.
and i gotta do these darn art pieces. if for no one else but me.
sometimes that's enough isn't it?
>>>>>>>>>>>

oh man! p.s.!
i just posted this, turned to my other screen and saw my email. there was the
bone sigh quote of the day. ya ready?? pretty darn cool timing.....

toes in

“ she sat with her toes in the water.
the little girl that is me.
sitting by my river of strength.
and i understood that they
were connected.
and i understood that my exploring
had only just begun. ”

not gonna spit on it...

i read another woman's story this morning.
another one that you read and wonder how that person is still going.

and then as i made my bed and did my morning stuff, i thought about it.
and i wondered how you heal from stuff that was so cruel.
how do you heal?

i thought of the stuff i've been playing with here in my life.
the idea that there's these other worlds to explore.
and i realize how deeply i believe that and how much i want it.
and i thought about how they're open to us all. no matter what
we've been thru.

and yet....i truly think 'trust' is the starting point.
i'm not sure.
i mean, what do i know?
i'm just dabblin' and muddlin' along.

as far as i can tell at this point, my best guess is that you need trust to grow.
that it's the starting point.

so how the heck do you get trust when you've been creamed over and
over by people....some of them family.
and even if family didn't cream you, they let it happen.
which in my head is just as much a wound as the other.

how do you find trust after living thru that stuff?

i don't know.
i'm gonna ask her about it.
how much she's found. if she's been actively looking or not.
maybe she's found lots.
maybe she's found none.
but i know one way or another, there's some sense of it in her as
she gave me her story.

and i think of all the stories i've read. and of all the pain and scars and wounds...
thru all of them, there was trust in reaching out and telling their stories.

maybe that's where it has to start.

i have no idea.

but i got to thinking of my own life.
and i got to thinking of the trust offered to me around me.

and i thought of all the times i didn't take it. i didn't believe it.
and in my head this morning i told myself i had 'spit on it.'

but that wasn't fair.
cause i didn't spit on it.
i wasn't ready for it. i couldn't believe it.
i didn't know what to do with it.

and that's okay.
that's not being an ingrate or being anything except someone who's
on a journey and learning. i need to understand that and offer myself
compassion for that.

the thing now is tho...NOW......with someone like my partner, who has
been nothing but a place of trust.....now.....i have to be careful not to spit
on that trust.

now when i turn it down, turn away from it, grab fear instead of trust....
i'm spitting on it. cause i know i can believe in that trust. turning to the
fear is unfair to both of us.

and i believe that.
and i don't want to do that.

easily said and thought....in moments of vulnerability and fear, not so
easily carried out. i know this as i just experienced it. and i knew i had
a choice. i was whirling in the fear pretty big time. i asked him for help,
held on and stayed with the trust.

and we both gained thru that one.

this morning as i look at it all, think of the story i just read, and wonder about
healing and traveling to these deeper worlds, i can't help but feel like trust
is the starting place. and the stronger and stronger we get in that, the further
and further we can travel.

i have no idea how we heal from some of these wounds. i have no idea
how to make peace inside after experiencing some of this stuff...
but maybe there doesn't have to be a plan or an understanding.

maybe there needs to be a seed of trust that we keep watering over and over again.
and finding those who will help us water that seed.....
oh man. how do we do that?
with caution, with care, and with hope, i guess.
we just keep trying.

heading into love month.....

i call it 'love month.'
yeah, february.
just cause it has valentine's day in it.
but i figure that's a great reason to grab the whole month and celebrate love.
cause i'm into love.
i want to live love, breathe love, be love.

and nah, i fall short all the time.
constantly.
BUT! i still want it.
and i so definitely want to think about it, write about it, and celebrate it!
so here we go.......

i was biking and thinking of my guy.
and what happened was something i thought would be worth passing along
here...for us to consider with our partners, children, family, friends......anyone
we're close to.

i thought of how incredibly different from me he is.
and i was in awe of his differences.

ha.....how's that for a twist?
ya see, i've spent a whole lotta time not what you'd call in 'awe' of those darn differences.
i've fought them,
struggled with them,
ran from them,
and just plain didn't appreciate them.

my fears and struggles with them have blocked a whole lotta love.
a whole lot.

i guess we've worked so hard at our relationship, that i've learned to trust
him enough to step back from the fear of the differences and actually see them.
or...maybe...to be really honest....to START to see them. i think i have a long
way to go.

i'm amazed at how long we've been together and i still truly truly feel like there's
so much more for me to know about him. and i think the appreciation of the
differences will give me a new lense with which to look thru.

and here's the thing - those differences are different from me.
yeah, no brainer, right?
but if they're different.....and i mean REALLY different, it's hard to know them,
because i don't have the first clue about them.

he's brilliant with technical things. just brilliant. he has a whole vocabulary and
a whole world inside his brain that i don't even know about. i just know there's
this 'technical stuff' in there. i always thought that was cool. but you know, that's
about it. i was glad for it, and liked he was smart. but you know......it kinda
stopped there.

well......how about really seeing it?!
really really seeing it...and just so valuing it as part of who he is,
and how it affects everything he does and everything he thinks.
what i see is limited, cause i don't have any of that in me, so i think it's gonna
take me awhile...
but i'm starting to really watch, really look, and i'm floored by what i see.

i'm not sure why i can start to see and appreciate now.
i'm not sure if it's the trust we've built, the trust i've built inside myself,
the strength in my own self that's grown, so i can look at others with less fear...
i have no idea.

but i do know this..........
i haven't appreciated the differences like this before.
and how many people can i say that about? how many people am i dismissing,
or rolling my eyes at, or struggling with or just blocking some form of love from
because i'm not really appreciating their differences?

i've always been intrigued by differences. i think if i read this a year ago, i'd
nod say 'sure' and assume that i do this already. heck, if i read this a month ago,
i'd assume that.

which makes me think - whenever i assume i do something already,
maybe that's a good clue i should stop and look and go a little deeper.
cause if i'm assuming it, i may very well be taking it for granted that i do it,
and not actually do it with the depth that i want to.

and this morning, i realized how much i've been missing.
and what a great thing to realize as i head into love month..........