a journey inside

it was quite a day yesterday.
i went miles inside myself.
and it all happened so unexpectedly.

i went to pinterest to say hey to someone.
and i saw on one of their boards my 'my kids' quote on
some other artist's work.

huh???

i went and looked her up and found six different businesses
selling that quote. and have since seen products all over pinterest
that aren't a bone sigh, yet they have my quote on them.

instead of being a rational human being, i went crazy and
wrote all six of them that they are illegally using my copyrighted quote.

now, i can tell you, i know this....approach is everything.
my approach wasn't the one where i was gonna get sweet helpful
responses.

i was setting it up for defensiveness.

i'm usually way better than that.
i can think my way thru stuff.

but not this time.

so why?

wondering a bit, but not stopping to think about it......
i ended up in one of the most amazing exchanges i've ever had.

it was with the first woman who responded. we'll call her sally.

sally wrote back oh so sorry and took it right down.
i thanked her and pointed out she might want to google things first.
apparently she had, and apparently she couldn't find the author.
and now she regoogled, rethought and wanted proof i was indeed the author.

okay. this made me crazy.

cause in my mind - and this is an important part -
all you had to do was google it and you'd find me.
that's it.

I JUST ASSUMED.
(big part)

so i got hot, wrote a letter that didn't feel like terri at all.
and then cried.

okay.
so i'm noticing more and more the strong reactions.
they're outta proportion with my norm.
what's up?

i got a little inkling, but still not the whole thing.
but enough to know i was reacting to other stuff in my life.

so i wrote her back, apologized, told her i was havin' a bad day,
i run a business of heart, want to remember that, and wrote her a letter
straight from the heart.

in my mind, THAT'S the note to respond to. cause THAT was my heart.

and then i sent her yet another with my copyright info.

and THAT was the note she responded to...(the copyright one)
she believed me and she was cool.

i wrote her and told her that i was glad it was settled yet sad it took the
copyright to believe me. i had wished she'd believed me without it.
and i also told her that i had been sitting there trying to figure out what was going
on inside of me - because now by this time i had stopped everything, sat back,
cried, and tried to figure out what exactly was going on with me.

i came up with some stuff i had been feeling all week.
complicated, lots of strings, for simplicity sake we'll say it all fell under the category
of 'not feeling seen.'

she and i ended up exchanging some emails, laughing, sharing the disappointments
of being burned in business, and the sadness of the mistrust that it all causes. she
was as sad as i was that it took the copyright to believe me. (i think that part is
really cool. she was sincerely sad about that.)

and then i posted the story as briefly as i could on the bone sigh arts fb page
and then i shared her links and spread her around. cause that's what bone sigh
arts is about.....COMMUNITY!

i felt the story mattered. it was of losing myself and finding myself.
it was of me seeing her as well as her seeing me. it was a lotta things.

and THAT'S who i want to be.
not the person i started out being.

so this whole thing kept going on all day.
i'd hear from the shop owners and they would be defensive.
but by this time, i had calmed down and become human again, and so i'd write terri notes.
and thru those notes i found one person who had a friend hand her this quote at a time
she was really worried about her son.

when i wrote her back and commented on the son part, she shared that he had been
bullied for 7 years and was at rock bottom, but now had risen again and was heading
off to college and doing really well.

we talked of that.

another shop owner's husband is out of work. so this has become their only means of
income. her sister is ill, they're worried about her and she's the caretaker of her mom.
'i'm a hardworker and would never steal anything.'

i remembered i was looking at people.

and the day kept going......
by the end of the day i realized enough websites have the quote up with no author that
even if you googled me, i'd just be yet another one of those sites. and yes, we are
remedying that right away.

so what i had assumed in the very beginning was incorrect.
and emotions i was having from that were strong.

in talking to bob that nite about our own issues as a couple, i saw similarities.
the assuming and the reacting to the assuming.

we talked of how we (everyone) just let that take over. we forget to stop and look
and listen and hear. and we forget who we want to be.

it was quite a journey i took yesterday.
i was really tired when i got into bed....but ever so grateful for the ride.

building the bookcase of non-fudgement.

when i was doin' those house projects with my sons -
or...um....when i was hovering around while my sons did those house projects -
i helped out a little here and there.

which included some sawing, hammering, drilling....some of that kinda stuff....

it's not like i've never done that stuff before, but never 'for real' where it mattered.
i've built some 'furniture' - but funky stuff that i like and nothing level for sure.

so this doin' it for real stuff was all new to me.

and what really really hit me about it was the fact that you can't fudge when
you do this stuff.

you have to do it 'right' for it to work.

you gotta have the right tool, you can't use something that might work.

you gotta hold the tool correctly - if you're tryin' to screw a screw in
that's too high for you to reach and you're reachin' as high as you can and
spinnin' that drill - you're just messin' it all up. you need the right angle.

you gotta measure correctly, cut straight, hammer the nail in straight.

all that stuff.

you don't fudge.
cause when you fudge.......oh my. it's not good......you create problems.

and here's the thing - i have spent my whole life fudging.

i fudge everywhere.

everywhere.

i've never tried to do anything where i couldn't fudge.

and so.......i think i want to try this construction stuff.
i'm not exactly sure why.
except that this whole 'not fudging' has me intrigued.

at this point in my life, i get frustrated and cry when i can't do it 'right.'
yeah, i actually cry.
like a girl.

grin. (don't yell at me for the girl comment!!)

cause i don't have a mindset of the patience you need.
and the thinking it thru.
and the figuring it out.

i don't have those things.

no.
no.
that's not true.

that's why i'm doing it.......
cause i want to find those things inside of me.
i know they're in there.
and i want to find them.

but i'm not crazy.
i certainly don't want to replace a wall on my own or anything like that.

i'm gonna build a bookcase.

yeah.

that's what i'm gonna do.

not sure when as i don't want to do it in the heat.....
but i'm gonna start figuring it out.

and i'm gonna use it as a growing thing.
the goal won't be about the bookcase at all.

it'll be about finding parts of me inside myself.

and i'm really likin' the whole idea.......
building the bookcase of non-fudgement.

a song that feels like a prayer to me

i've been meaning to share a song here.

i haven't because i just wasn't sure how to.
i've found it on youtube, that's no problem.
(what ISN'T on youtube??)

it's just that the vid that goes with it may be a bit
distracting when you first hear it.

i actually like the video.
but i heard the song first.
about a thousand times.

so i could do my own thing in my mind with it.
and this song is so perfect for that.

so what i finally decided was that i'd share the youtube link,
and just put out there that if i ran the world, i'd tell
anyone who goes to check it out, listen first....just listen....
soak it in on your own without the extra stuff.
then watch the video after that if you're so inclined.

i was doing some art stuff the other nite.
just tryin' to get centered and this song came on.
when she started singing about how she needs love to sail
across the water, i swear i just stopped and closed my eyes.

it's so much like a prayer to me.
and when i'm feelin' in need of some help,
this song is a perfect prayer for then.

i heard it again yesterday.
same deal.
i gotta stop and just kinda hold it, and pray right along with it.

if you have the time and inclination, go check out out jane siberry's
'sail across the water.'
(and maybe just close your eyes and listen first)

a thought...

i bumped into an interesting thought yesterday.
wanted to share....

talkin' with someone about money.
and her 'money issues' came up.

interestingly enough, it's not that she doesn't have enough.
it's that she has too much. and as she started mulling thru all that,
she felt very strongly that 'she wasn't worthy.'

now, i could see in a heartbeat that wasn't the case.
it was such an easy see for me that it caught my attention.
and i realized that perhaps what was goin' on was instead of the
issue being truly about money, it was more an issue that comes out
because she's struggling. so it looks like it's about money.
when really it's just always there and comes out in different ways,
in different forms.

is that a no brainer? does everyone else know this?

this was big news for me.

so, of course, i gasped and thought 'okay.......what's your own deal, ter??'

so i went right to my own money issues.
what are my feelings when i really wrestle with the money stuff?
what's way down deep?

and i came up with 'i'm not good enough.'

bam.

i have yet to come up with anything different than that.
that first thought still stands.
i believe that's the deal.

and yeah......that is SO one of my core issues.

so here i am over here thinking if i had a little more money, life would be
a whole lot easier.

well, yeah, there's the practical stuff and it would be.
but shoot, that's just practical stuff.

i'm good at juggling that.
it's the personal issues that drag me down into the muck and mire.
it's the personal issues that make life hard.
the practical come into play for sure.
i don't want to just throw those out like they don't matter.
of course they come into play.

but the real 'drag me down' stuff isn't the practical.
it's those darn personal issues.

so i'm thinking this is big news for me.
cause it's not that i have money issues - it's that i have issues!
ha!

laughin' here......
and if i can see them rise up when i struggle, i can see that these
are the things that surface that i need to work with.
instead of being a victim of them and drowning in their ick,
i can step aside and watch and say 'woe, look at that. there it is!'
and i don't have to be overwhelmed with it.

well......that's the theory at this point.
not sure how well i'll do with it.
but i thought it was a pretty good theory.

and i'm thinking - of course - this isn't just money issues.
it's ANY issue we struggle with. the stuff that brings us to our
knees and makes us feel like we're drowning sometimes.....
whatever that stuff is.........i'm thinking it's real possible the same
deal holds with that stuff.

and we don't have to drown.
all we have to do is see it and step aside and watch it and then
maybe we can work with it.

maybe it's all just a chance to grow and get strong and healthy.

and this thought has my eyes wide this morning.
and i have to laugh.....cause i'm thinking maybe everyone else on
the planet already knows this!! but it's a new one for me!

standing up yet again......

oh man.
i found myself in one heck of a place this weekend.
one of those really deep questioning places.
one that wasn't gonna be shaken off with a good nite's sleep
like i had hoped.

instead, i woke up deeper in it than ever.

what i wonder is why i have to get that deep before i do
a shout out for help?

maybe it's cause i don't really know who or what i'm shouting out to?

maybe.

but whatever the reason, i got deep enough i did a shout out.

'help me? i really need some guidance here.'

i can count on my hands how many times i've sincerely done
that shout out and i can tell you every single time i feel as if
i've been responded to.

what is that?
some would say god.
some would say angels.
some would say the universe.
some would say some sorta energy that's attracted to mine.
some would say my imagination and wishful thinking.

i haven't a clue.
and actually, i'm okay with it being any of those.
as long as i feel responded to.
i really don't care.

so not long after that comes an email from a friend.
we don't write that often....and there she is....saying things to me
countering all the doubts i was feeling.

i started crying.
and felt so much like it was a message for me.

for a bit.
but then, you know how it goes.....
maybe it wasn't.
maybe i'm just so desperate.
maybe it wasn't anything but a nice note.

and then came the next one.
from someone different.

hmmmm.......okay. that certainly feels like an affirmation.
okay. i got it. the tears, the power of the notes. i couldn't
ignore that stuff.

talkin' to the guys about what was going on, i included the notes
that i had gotten and how it felt like something to pay attention to.
they laughed 'ya think??' and told me not to irritate the universe by
needing yet another.

i grinned.

and then found another.

and another.

four.

bam.
bam.
bam.
bam.

all telling me things i doubted. all telling me to just drop the doubts.

in thinking of it all this morning, i realized that i feel a lot like i felt when
i started out on my new life ten years ago...

having no idea where i'm going, not sure which way to turn,
scared so deeply at moments, and then other moments sure of the magic
i need to lean into. watching the signs and believing and then sure that
they really weren't there. wondering if i can ever pull off what i need to,
then knowing i have to.

oh man.
i've been here before.

and i realize that it's been ten years.
and my life is changing again.
and i have no clue what that really means.
and that's gonna knock me around a bit.

i've been here before.
i know this place.

i need to remember that and instead of acting like it's brand new territory
and feeling so lost.......i need to remember the lessons learned the last time.
i need to lean into the power gained last time.

you don't go thru these things without gaining a whole ton.
so um......terri........don't drop that stuff now.
use it.

and holler for help.
just holler for help.

cause even tho i have no clue where it comes from,
i know it comes.

maybe it's from an outer source. maybe it's from my depths.
wherever it's from......it's there.

that in itself should be held and trusted.

and once again i stand back up.

feeling wowed all over again.....

it's one of my favorite books.
i've been saying so for about THIRTY years!
(ohmygosh!)

but that's when i read it..about 30 years ago.
it had a tremendous impact on me and is one of the books i've put
on my 'life changing book' lists.

it's 'the first circle' by aleksandr solzhenitsyn.

i was in a 'russian phase' and read a ton of russian classics -
yes! including 'war and peace'! and this one was my favorite by far.
he is more famous for 'the gulag archipelago' which i could never read.
i tried several times, but it just broke my heart and i couldn't get past
a certain section. (i tried THREE times and just couldn't do it)

'the first circle' was a little easier with the brutality. while both were
about the prison camps in russia, 'the first circle' was about a camp which
was one of the 'better' of the camps.

is it dante who talks of the cirlces of hell? that's where the title comes from -
it's the first circle of hell.

anyway.....one of my sons showed an interest in reading it, so i thought it'd
be a good chance to share a book together. and so i started it again.

and it's even better than i remember! i guess the experience is going to be
different depending on your age and your stage of life. well, it's hitting me
more profoundly than ever.

and! beyond that.........the art of his writing is knocking me flat.

last nite i was so taken with his writing that i truly just kept gasping as i read.
and i felt like i was looking at an incredible art piece.

and i felt like i had been 'great writing deprived' for far too long.
wow.
how incredible to read a great piece of literature.
seriously.
it's like inhaling art.

and it's been far too long.
and i think maybe because of that, my senses are reawakening and the
experience is magnified.

i popped over to wikipedia and reviewed solzhenitsyn's life.........

the man had to write in secret.....some of the stuff in bits where he never saw
the bits all together at once as he wrote.....he didn't think he'd ever see a line
of his writing published and then won the nobel prize in literature.

there's a lot in that tiny little sum up i just did......
think about  it.
it had to be just flooding inside of him and he HAD to write it down, ya know?
and when you think of the volumes and volumes he wrote.....and never thinking
anything would be published....AND not being able to share it with ANYONE....
and yet still he wrote.

anyone feelin' like they just don't have the time to create?
need a little push somehow?
i encourage you to start here at wikipedia........
and read about this guy.
i haven't finished.
i'm heading back there right now.
then gonna poke around some more.

cause his drive to write is only a tiny bit of the inspiration........
and what he created.......and how he touches my soul.......and how when i hold
this book that's fallilng apart, yellowed, and has the cover torn off (i taped it together
last nite) and feel like i'm holding one of the world's greatest art pieces.......

i get pretty inspired.

got a minute?
check him out...

one heck of a slop of color

there's three main strands of thoughts that are running thru my head.
none of them related.
but look at what happens when you lie them down next to each other
and then overlap them a bit......

one thought -  it's about this whole 'release' stuff.
once again, in a very powerful way i've seen the magic of releasing.
struggling and struggling with something, not sure how to fix it, trying over and
over again and feeling like i was making it worse, getting nowhere or going
backwards when finally, out of the blue, i release. 
and everything falls into place.

not the first time, i hope not the last.
the odd thing about it for me is how hard it is to trust that and just let go.
i fight it and am sure i'm the one who's gonna make it all work 'right.'

so first thought is the magic of release along with the difficulty in actually doing it.


another thought - life is full of difficult things.

i've been watching. it's been like i've been in 'observe' mode for a little while here.
and yes, a lotta those difficult things are our own making, but certainly not all.
and there's a whole whole whole lot of 'em.

i was getting pretty discouraged about it all. seemed like that's all i was seeing.
but i widened my view finder a bit and saw all the other stuff dancing around the
difficult. the amazing strength, the kindesses, the insights.......there's a ton of
other stuff mixed in.


and the final thought - i need to redefine what i mean by 'friend.' i've had some
pretty big heart disappointments in the friendship category. (i know. who hasn't??)
and with feeling burned again recently, i've just wanted to give up and forget about
making friends.

then last nite, someone typing something to me said 'my friend'.....and she and i had
shared some pretty good notes and thoughts and when she said it, my heart warmed.
and i thought of all the people around me who were in my life in different ways - and
how they were all friends. and how i just needed to broaden what i meant, and not
have such huge expectations. maybe i just needed to really really allow people to
come in and out the way they do and know that's  the deal.

so i took these three thoughts this morning and i scrambled them together.

how life is hard.....really difficult.........then throw in that release stuff and the magic.....
then throw in the cool stuff around the difficult......which includes people who come
into your life (they may not stay....in fact, they probably won't) but they're there for
a time reaching out and being a friend.

i scrambled all that and saw the hard stuff in kinda dark colors....the magic stuff in
glittery sprinkles......the friend stuff in soft tones, the good stuff around the hard stuff
in gorgeous colors.

it's one heck of a slop of color.....all jumbled.

that's life.
one heck of a slop of color.

and for the first time in a very long time, i felt peaceful about that.

and i saw that some of the things that will get you thru the ride with a more peaceful
state of mind are the things i've been pondering for years - releasing, allowing, trusting,
and knowing.......

all of the things i have recently put up on a shelf and turned my back on.

okay.
got it.

pulling them back down off the shelf.
and sittin' smack on down in one heck of a slop of color.

quick...

just a quick one this morning....

i wrote this a long time ago..........but it just happened again
this weekend.....and the quote popped up today.

had to share -
cause there's nothing like the feeling of that
magic coming back......




she did so

“she knew she had to release and did so. finally. she did so. it was then her heart spoke to her - and she heard it. hearing it, she acknowledged it, embraced it - valued it. and the magic came flooding in.”

a little lens cleaner

an anger streak here.
an anger streak there.
here an anger streak.
there an anger streak.
everywhere an anger streak.

have you noticed?

my gosh.
there's a lotta anger out there.

i've been noticing.

and along with it i've been noticing things like people being really
angry and rude and being totally okay with that.

hmmmmm......

it used to be that i'd kinda try to smooth everything out.
make everyone okay.
soothe the angry one and be really gentle.

hmmmmmmm........

don't do that so much anymore.

i still manage to see the pain the people must be in.
and when i don't, one of my sons reminds me.
as he did yesterday when i told him a story about an angry person
and he said 'can you imagine what it's like to live her life?'

someone raised that guy right.
i love he went there and thought about that.

i thought about it on the treadmill this morning.
i thought about all the people i've seen the anger streaks in lately.
and how i wouldn't trade for a moment to have their lives.

it's one of those complicated things - where the anger and the less
than pleasant lives all mix together and you don't know what's causing
what.

i know a lot of hurt and a lot of protective walls can cause it.

i grinned as i remembered a moment with bob -
i was having a hard time with some stuff in my life and i wasn't coping
real well.

i had dropped him off at a store, told him i'd wait in the parking lot.
i leaned back the seat and put on some music that was just speakin' to
my soul.

he came back to the car, heard the music and said 'okay, we need to talk.
you're in sweats. i've never seen you in sweats. and you're out here listening
to angry music. what's goin' on??'

i laughed remembering that.
i needed the angry music for my hurt at that point.
and the sweats....well they just felt good. but it's really funny that they
sent a warning signal to him!

i just hurt and wanted to be angry.

so again, i thought of the people who seem really angry to me.
and i thought of the hurts and the protective walls.

and yeah, it all makes sense.
it does.

but you know what?
it's a darn shame.
when you take anger and don't let it go......when you hang on to it and make it
a way of life.......what's the point??

i remember reading that anger is a great tool.
and i believe it is.
i've used it and it can do wonders in propelling you forward.
but i also read that you can't hold on to it too long.....
cause then it's not a tool anymore....
it's something that can ruin your life.

i'm watching it really hurt some lives right now.
i've been watching it.

i think there comes a time where you just gotta say 'is this doin' me
any good??'

but for some crazy reason something seems to be hooked with the anger -
denial?
skewed seeing?
not sure what the word is......

but the ones with the anger streaks that seem to have taken on a big chunk
of their lives -
they don't seem to have a clue that it's happening.

they'd nod and think of someone else when they read this.

and THAT part is what's got my attention this morning.
cause we all do that about stuff.
we all do that all the time.

i need to keep some distance from the anger right now.
it's just not doin' much good for me.
and i'm fine with that.

but i want to learn something from those carrying it around so strongly.
i want to learn to focus in and see better......i want to learn to be more
self aware. i want to learn which things i'm turning a blind eye to.

i really do.
i think i've got some stuff i can find pretty easily too.

think i'm gonna go grab some lens cleaner and a cloth....
i've got some work to do.....

something to strive for.......

okay.......so i'm thinking about this 'experiencing who you are' stuff.
(see post below)

and i'm thinking of the process of my relationship with that guy of mine.

and it truly is fascinating if you can take yourself out of it long enough to look.

i think we all must have fascinating processes with our significant relationships......
it's just so hard to step out and look.

we have been going thru a time neither one of us has found easy.
we've worked hard at figuring it out, trying to do things to ease whatever's
causing pain or friction and just not quite getting where we want to be.
there has been a lot of frustration on both sides and a lot of struggle.

sometimes i sit back and think of how it's the flip side of the cycle we were
riding in the beginning of the year. everything was so smooth and easy and
incredibly happy.

you knew that wheel had to turn around.......and wondered when it would.......
and here it's been for what seems like way too long and we're ready for that
wheel to spin around again. at least just outta this patch.

and i can see it's finally spinning in another direction. i can see it happening.
but it's been tiny little spins. and not quite enough for my taste.

but this weekend brought us a break thru.
we both felt it happen and we both felt great relief.
and we're both ready to take it and run with it.
right outta this pit we've been in.
let's go!

thing is......as i sit here now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel,
i can look at it all a bit more objectively.
and i can see how the 'break thru' that we felt happen this weekend was a moment
where we both experienced who we were and who we were as a couple.
the real stuff.

we touched the real.
and we'd been having such trouble with that.

and i can see how the struggle itself - which truly has felt like nothing positive -
IS a good thing. how it IS a chance to experience who you are or who
you are not.

i can see - kinda - in moments here -  in quick glimpses - how all this stuff....
all the hard stuff, all the stuff we wish we didn't have to deal with.....really is stuff
that can show us so much.

if we stopped being afraid of it, and just started watching it.......i can see how that'd
change everything.

i get so stuck on the fear. the fear of 'where is this going?' 'what's going to happen?'

when none of that matters.
cause it's the moments that matter......whatever they're filled with......it's the moments
that give us the chances to experience who we are.

i've kinda got this. like i can see it. in spurts. then it fades. then i get it again.
not sure i'm writing it so anyone can understand what i mean.
which just means i have a long way to go to really getting this down.....
but i feel like i'm a step closer.
and it's really kinda cool.
and i so so so want to get this down.

just laying the fear down and saying 'okay, this is the moment. who am i in this moment?'

wouldn't that be beyond incredible????

i think maybe i've got it!

it's only taken me....ohhh...i don't know......fifteen...twenty years maybe
to understand this thought.....but i think i got it! quite by accident, of course.

i haven't read this in ages, so i'm probably creamin' it a bit...
but in the conversations with god book, 'god' talks about needing relationships
to experience who we are.

i think there's a good bit for me to go back and look at, but that's the part
i remember.

when i read that i kinda got it....maybe....kinda.......not really.......sorta.
i felt like i could understand it, but in a very wobbly sorta way which meant
i really didn't.

but this weekend, as i was pondering something else, i got led into an understanding
of this whole 'experiencing you' thought.

i thought of my coffee breaks with my girlfriends.
there are several moments when talking from the heart, i could see what was inside of me.

it's like all this work i do, all the thinking, all the trying, all the figuring out my
beliefs....i get lost in all that and i don't see where it's brought me or who i've
become until i have moments like that.

moments where i kinda just lose the rules, don't think about making a point,
and just speak from my heart.

i know those moments cause when they happen, everyone seems to know them.
you can tell by the look on the faces around you. and then you can stop and say
hey, look at that.....that's inside of me. that's part of who i am.

you experience who you are.
thru your relationships.

this morning i thought of the weekend.
there were some amazing moments to it all.

funny how many times tables are involved......
now, not only is there my kitchen table, but there's his dining room table,
and of course, the tables at panera where we always seem to land.

and this weekend, there were moments around all of them that were filled with
love and family.....

and up til a few days ago, that's how i woulda just described it.
but this morning i'm thinking they were also filled with moments of me experiencing
who i was.

i still get the 'what the heck is it all about' moments fly thru me with that certain panic
those moments bring. those still fly thru routinely.

and i guess i'll never really have an answer for that....
but i have pieces here and there i hold that feel like they must be part of the answer.
and this........this experiencing who we are thru our relationships.....
this feels like one of the pieces.

and it tickles me a lot this morning......
so i thought i'd share.

my wall

it's not like i do that much.
i really can't figure why my body gets so tired.
the guys are the ones who do all the serious lifting and yanking
and smashing.......maybe it's empathy fatigue.

but while my body's groaning a bit today,
my heart is skippin' around!

after another couple of hours, i will have a completely finished
new outside wall of my studio! (just the one...still got the others...
but they're for later!) complete with new window box i built
(with the incredible guidance and patience of my sons) and a new
window!

so yeah, that's a big relief as i've been looking at that rotting wall
for years now.

so to have it done is a huge huge relief.

but there's so much more to it.

again, i got another lesson in 'you can do anything you need to,
just take it one step at a time and ask when you're not sure.'

honestly, that's one of the best lessons for me.
i need to keep having that reinforced inside of me.
funny as i worked hard on teaching my sons that.......
and now that they've got that down, they're teaching me.
how cool is that?!

all the 'handyman' kinda projects were always the job of my
at the time husband. i didn't pay much attention and any drilling
or hammering i did was just for fun on some kooky project i was doing.
it never 'mattered.'

i think this kinda thing is so empowering.
the doing of something after all these years of letting someone else do it.
(and i'm pretty sure that's not just handyman stuff that works with -
hmmmmmmm something to think about.........)

i used the sawzall (amazingly great name, don't you think?!)
that completely shook the depths of my ears and tickled
and the BRAND NEW circular saw.

i had been sayin' that i'd saw up the wood for the trash pick up
and noah said i really shouldn't as something's wrong with our circular saw.
it wasn't safe and i really shouldn't. he would do it.

my eyebrows went up.
while trying to be ms. handyman, i was still a mom.....and that wasn't
gonna work......

great, i thought. i need to buy a new saw like i need to buy a hole in the head.
(is there a pun in there??) but i thought about if something happened, and yes,
i indeed needed to get a new saw.

imagine my delight when we found one way way better than ours on sale (!!)
for FORTY dollars.

seriously???
like why didn't we get one before??? ours was ancient.

AND! it has a little laser light that helps you saw straight.
i never sawed straight in my life. but i did yesterday!!!!~

after cutting something, i heard noah say how much he liked the new saw.
then i heard him stop and say 'okay, i love it.' and i grinned.

who knew a saw could warm so many hearts??
we were all thrilled.

anyway, i sawed better than i ever had, i used the drill better than i ever had,
and i nailed better than i ever had.

don't be confused........i still suck at all of them. ohmygosh do i.
i still have the skills of a first grader and still make the guys laugh when they watch.
BUT! there's improvement.and i see it. and i feel really good about that.
there's something big about this. there's independence and confidence growing
and some kinda fear fading......it's big.......even tho the progress is way slow.

then there's the time together.......ohmygosh........i needed a day outside workin' with
them. we felt like the team that we are. and i needed that feeling. i love that feeling.

there were the funny moments.....like when the guys dropped the new window,
or when noah asked me to do something just cause he thought it'd be funny to watch.

there were the moments that meant everything, like when zakk stopped working to
explain something to me in the kindest way ever, or when i saw noah's smile when he
saw the hole he cut in the wall for the window was perfect.

at one point, i was walking down one of the main aisles of lowes. for some really odd
reason, i was the only one there for a few moments. it was like the store was entirely
mine. i thought of how the store had changed for me and how i was changing and i felt
kinda like i owned the world. it was awesome.

i'm headin' out to finish the painting.
i'm tired of painting. will be glad to put the brushes away.
but i'll tell ya this.....i'll be out there alone for a bit in the morning painting a wall
that me and the guys put up (okay, that the guys put up) and i'm gonna hold all
that means as i paint.

and when i step back this afternoon and look at the whole finished thing.......
it's gonna look like the most beautiful wall i've ever seen.

there are times i live like like i really deep down want to.
this wall building has been one of those times.....

me and reagan!

whoever thought i'd be talkin' like ronald reagan?!!

but this morning all i gotta say is - "TEAR DOWN THIS WALL"

oh yes!

it's a gorgeous day out, and we're snaggin' it to do the final project
(well, not the final project....but the final project of the list of projects
we just got ourselves into)!!

i could use some outside time and some physical movin' around stuff.
and i sure could use the wall........

it's one of three outside walls on my studio that need to be replaced.
i figure if we do them one at a time - one a season or something -
it'd be easier all around.

maybe i'll learn so much this go around i can do the others on my own!!
okay......prolly not........but i'm gonna soak in all i can.

i've been gettin' a bit discouraged all over again with project stuff -
my gosh, you need muscles for a whole lot of 'em.....and with life stuff -
my gosh, you need heart muscles for a whole lot of that stuff too!

and i keep thinking of what that guy said that i posted in here a few posts
down......about thinking of disappointments differently.

not as 'that was disappointing' but more as 'that was a surprise.'

well....i haven't gotten the hang of it down yet.
cause about all i've got so far is tired of the word 'surprised' and not
wanting to be 'surprised' anymore!'

laughing here......

ah.......concepts......they're more than just word games aren't they??
darn.

it'd be easier if they were word games.

tearing down a wall sounds real good about now.............

today's quote

it was good for me to read this morning....
thought i'd share for those who don't get the quote of the day -


standing

“it wasn't about being a good girl or not. it wasn't about rewards and punishments. it was about being who she wanted to be in each moment of her life. it was about choosing herself, trusting herself, and living herself. and then rewards and punishments, good girls and bad, all fell to the side, leaving only the task of honoring herself standing.”

just a little more...

okay....she caught my ear this morning and i can't help it,
i gotta share a little more clarissa.

again, listening to her audio, 'mother night'......

she's talking of what a certain kinda healer would say to you
if you came to them and said 'i feel sad.'

this morning i felt sad.
so when i heard her say 'i feel sad,' i looked up.
(now, i'm sure this is for all things besides sad, she just happened to
use that one, and i just happened to be that one, so it really
caught my ear.)

then the healer would ask 'who is sad?'

right there....
isn't that beautiful?

i swear, there was something about her voice and how she asked it....
i was like 'yeah, who is???'

i loved it.
(if you're sad or upset or angry or anything this morning that might need
exploring, try it......awesome question!)

and then she went on to say that these healers believe there's
more than one part of us.
that there's the mind and the heart and the spirit and the soul
and beyond that is the family and the culture.
and all the parts can be looked at.

nothing new there for me. i feel that too....
but.......how wonderful to hear someone else say it and how
wonderful to be reminded in my sadness.

then she talks about a term - 'susto' -
and says that's when the soul is shocked, bruised, blinded,
cut off, bound in some way so it won't have full access
to the person.


bound in some way so it won't have full access to the person.


woe.
totally cool idea.

doesn't that just feel like something you can grab and work with??

and THEN! she says her grandmother used to tell her that there
was something like an umbilical cord between the soul and the body -
made of silver floss kinda stuff. and that sometimes that got stretched
and in the wrong spot and caused discomfort.......

great visual, huh?

and then........finally..........she used an example of a computer as your soul.
at first, this didn't do much for me. i thought it wasn't the best example....
until the last thing she said about it.......then i loved it......

she said the computer's your soul. and it's got all this information and
knowledge in it. it's all running along smoothly and then you get up one day,
trip over the cord, pull it out a bit from the socket. not all the way, just a bit.
don't even notice you do that.

but the computer doesn't run so good anymore. it's glitchy, shuts off here and there,
that kinda thing. you wonder what's not right. is it the fan? is it the motherboard?
and here's the part that won me over - 'when really it's the juice that's not flowing.'

i so smiled when i heard that.

when really it's the juice that's not flowing.

my juice was flowing yesterday big time.
i mean big time.
like it hadn't in ages.
and then bam......it hit a dam.

and i'm feelin' it this morning.
but that's okay.

gives me a chance to look at some of this stuff clarissa's talking about.
what to do with it? i don't know......
but i'll start with looking.

how cool

my buddy, dan, just posted a mark nepo post on my facebook page.
very cool, dan! thank you!

this part......the ending of it........was just too good not to share........
so via dan via mark........

Yet somewhere the misperception has been enshrined that to withhold love will stop hurt. In truth, it is the other way around. As water soaks scars, love soothes our wounds. If opened to, love will accept the angrily thrown stone, and our small tears will lose some of their burn in the great ocean of tears, and the arrow released to the bottom of the river will lose its point.

my morning laugh

i thought this was funny and wanted to share my morning laugh.

a friend i've known since JUNIOR HIGH school days dropped me
an email. he had met a young russian woman who reminded him of me
from back in our youth.

he told me she looked just like me.
and then later, he sent me a picture of her.

she's absolutely adorable.

how cool, right?
what could be more flattering?
well........i guess if he saw an adorable woman who reminded him
of me NOW.....that could be more flattering......
but hey, this was good enough.

so i wrote him, commenting that she was adorable and i felt complimented.

he wrote back and said she was adorable and a bit goofy.

splat.

there goes that compliment.

i laughed.

it felt more right.
and it just made me laugh and remember those days.
i really was awfully goofy.

then he proceeded to tell me that she's actually german and did i have
any german blood in me.

yep. my dad's side was german.

so then he writes back and says she could be my grand-niece.

yeah. grand niece.
he actually said that.

grand.

not niece.

oh no.

grand niece.

any hint of a compliment went out the door.
there will now be threats of pummeling him next time i see him if he
opens his mouth one more time on this subject!

i'm sitting here laughing.
and shaking my head.

what can ya do?
and why is it so many compliments it looks like i'm gonna get from the male
species turn this way?? never mind. don't answer that!!  laughing.......and headin' for
my female friends......

some good clarissa stuff...

a friend gifted me with a clarissa recording for my birthday.
my gosh, am i loving it....

it's 'mother night' by clarissa pinkola estes.

i'm a huge clarissa fan.
i get lost just in her voice....let alone what she's saying!

so many of the things she says knock my socks off.
but it's audio so they get by me and i can't retain them enough to
share them here.

but this morning i jotted notes down!
but still.....i have it all jumbled.

but i'm sharing anyway.....cause jumbled doesn't stop me.

she told several stories and then kinda summed them up with a sort of
a list -

i jotted that down.

- you are made of immaculate love.
(i actually looked up 'immaculate' as i'm just kinda stuck with past
phrases and wanted to see what it really meant - pure and perfect)

so okay, that one right there is enough for me to sit on for a week.
i love that. you are made of perfect love.
if you just hold that, it kinda affects your day, doesn't it???

- you have a knowing that no one can take away from you. (even if
they call you names and question you and all that stuff) (i like this cause
she mentioned how you may not know how you know......you just know
you know. sound familiar?)

-you have a form of detachment that is actually freeing your energy
to move forward.  (this one i need to access a whole lot more!!)

- you have a unity with something greater than yourself.

- bewilderments come your way (she's not kidding!!) but you keep
moving and you keep going. (and she reminds us to ask others to
help with our bewiderments)

and the final one i got that just toppled me - your north star that never
moves - that came with you. it's inside of you.
thud.
i love that.
specially with the 'stars inside you' kinda theme i like to play with....
thud.
thud.
thud.
(that's me falling over. and over. and over.)

and somewhere in all this she quoted someone, and i forgot who
but i didn't forget the quote -

"practice resurrection."

over and over again we rebuild ourselves.

i really think we should learn that concept way early on.
life isn't about staying the same, nothing changing, white picket fences -
it doesn't work that way....and i'm thinking ultimately we wouldn't want it to.

over and over we must rebuild ourselves.

a post that matters

this needs to be spread everywhere -

check out christa and her blog this morning.

here he is again.....

i read this last nite and knew this was all i needed to put in my blog.......
again, from mark nepo's 'facing the lion, being the lion.'

"Oddly, disappointment is defined by whether what happens is close
or not to what we expect. We hear ourselves uttering, "That was disappointing"
as opposed to "That was a surprise." Here, the inner obstacle is really our
quick and endless dowry of expectations, which we create and then feel
entitled to. As fast as we can think, we create pictures of what we want and
where we want to be and how we want to be seen, then hold them out ahead
of us as some strange form of gold we must have. Expecting life to conform to
these images is a perversion of having a goal. It often prevents us from seeing
what life freshly brings us.

Failure, it seems, is disappointment allowed to root within one's self-esteem.
Yet after falling down enough, after having things pass through our hands
repeatedly, after having so many of life's blessings arrive from beyond the range
of all our schemes and plans, it seems odd to define success of failure by whether
we get what we want or how close we land to where we aim. Quite the contrary,
failure would seem to be the limitations that cap our possibilities if we get only
what we want and if we touch only what we aim for."

my gosh, there's some golden lines in here!

this has touched on so many things i've been dealing with lately......
i read it, my eyes went wide,  and i just kinda held it.
hoping it makes your eyes go wide as well.

these moments here

okay, there ARE moments i'm definitely gonna miss when these guys leave...

this morning i was JUST walkin' by noah's room as he was opening the door.

quick as a jackrabbit, i hopped outta site and hid so i could scare him when
he came out.

i was right around the corner of his door.

i stood there still as still could be with my breath held in.
he was taking too long to come out.
maybe he just opened the door then was doing something in there.

slowly....slowly....i moved my head, stretching my neck to peek around the corner.

slowly....slowly....noah was moving his head, stretching his neck to peek around the corner.

like two slow motion turtles our faces met.

i burst out laughing!

and threw up my arms in frustration.

how did you know?!!

he pointed to the big ol' shadow on the wall in front of his door.

there, big as life, was my shadow......

oh.

these are the moments i'm gonna just so miss.

grabbin' the good feelings

it was one of those moments.
one of those gorgeous, glorious, life is good moments.

the lighting was just right, the temperature perfect,
the guys were out, i was here alone and loving it.

picking up the phone to call a store that had left a message
that they wanted to place a 'substantial order,' i looked out
the windows and just stopped.

everything felt good. and i could feel the magic floating around me.

wow.
it'd been a long time since i felt that.
and i was gonna just hold it for a minute.

the day went on and it was a great one.
music playing inspiring several spontaneous fits of dancing.
i was queen of the world.

ahem.
and then.........

there was another phone call.

and the mood changed.

i was curled in my chair listening to the story on the other end
watching one hand expressing the stress i was feeling by twisting
a paperclip apart and bending it over and over into contorted shapes.

i noticed this.

and so when asked how i was feeling about what i was hearing, i answered
'well, i'm destroying a paperclip as i listen, so i think a bit stressed.'

'and afraid.'

and we talked about it for a bit. which helped some.
but there really wasn't all that much it could do.

i hung up, made faces at the empty space in the room,
and groaned and generally made disgruntled noises.

this morning i thought of both of those moments.
and laughed.
so typical.

i really liked the queen of the world feeling.
i really liked that one.
so i'm goin' with that one again today.

the other one......i was thinking about last nite.
and i was thinking i could use that stuff to grow.
and i didn't feel all 'ugh' about it.
i knew i could.
i knew the fear was old stuff and i didn't have to hang on to it as tight
as i did. and i knew i could find a way to figure that out.

but here's the kicker - i don't care enough about it to let it ruin the other mood.
ha!

and! that in itself is huge growth!

it's time for some good feelings.
and baby, i'm gonna grab 'em and enjoy 'em over here!

sayin' so long to the mopes and hello to the squeals!

my guys will be moving out sometime soon.
they've been looking for places....it's just a matter of that day happening
when they find it and then it's all changed.

well, being the big mature woman that i am,
i have been moping about this for ohhhhh about half a year now.

tryin' hard to look at it in different ways,
tyrin' hard to focus on all the good about it.
i mean, seriously, it's a great thing.
and i know that.
but still i moped.

sometimes pretty darn big time.
sometimes just quietly in the background.
but pretty much all the time in some form or another.

but now the oddest thing has happened.

i seem to be done moping!

now how does that happen?!!

i just seem done.

i'm not sure if it's all this trying to do things (projects) myself....
but i think that has a lot to do with it.
cause the more i try to work on my house, the more i feel like it's
MY house.

last nite i was out in my shed.
cutting a piece of wood for some house project thing i was doing.
i looked out the shed window back at the house.

and i just stopped.
and looked.
and smiled.
and thought -
that's MY house.

today i was cleaning the bathroom and i had that feeling
that i had when i was 16 and dreaming of moving out and getting
my own place.

my insides squealed and i thought 'i'm gonna have my own place!'

i haven't had my own place ever.
unless you count a month on my own in the apartment i was moving into
before i got married.

that doesn't count.

now, there are plans down the road to marry that guy of mine.
yeah, that is the plan!

but i think.....first..........i need to try this bein' on my own thing.
in my own house.

i'm gettin' so excited about it now.
and the moping seems to be over.

altho......i am holdin' out for two weeks of severe moping after they
actually do leave.

i figure i'll need that.
and then.......
well.......

it's time for a new part to begin, isn't it?

there's a lot to like about this story here.
but one of the things that really stands out for me here is this -

the moping stuff.......it has a life of its own.
like grieving and all that stuff.
it's gotta run its course.
and we gotta let it.
and remember that it does end.....
or.....as in the case with grieving.....eases a bit.......
and life just keeps cycling.

big smile!

just read a friend's blog and got really happy for her.

thought it was great encouragement for anyone who's been thru
major trauma. you are not alone.

take a peek.

articulating just a bit....

my dad's the one who taught me how to write.
(altho if he saw the grammar/punctuation i use here and everywhere,
he'd prolly try to deny it!!)

i remember writing those high school papers, bringing them over for him
to proof. him sitting on the couch with his pen and clipboard.
(always a clipboard!)
and having him cross out half of what i'd written.

he wasn't ever mean about it.
very 'teacherish' about it.
he'd cross out a sentence and show me how it was 'gobbledegook'
or show me the 'fluff sentence over here that said nothing.'
and 'what are you trying to say here? why not just say it?'
and the lines would go thru the sentences.

mostly i didn't mind. i wanted to do it right.
and i honestly knew i was learning how to write.
but sometimes i was so tired and didn't care and yeah,
i'm sure i musta cried a few times.

not cause of what he was doing, but because i just wanted to get it
right the first time, ya know???

between him and an extraordinary high school english teacher -
the one who taught me just about every word i used was a 'garbage word.'
(words like 'fantastic, incredible, wonderful....all my words!)

i learned a ton.
i still use those words all the time. it's just now i know i'm talkin' trash.

this all might be why the bone sighs are short.

grin.

but no matter how clear i could get the paper,
how to the point the sentences could be,
how many 'garbage words' i tossed out,
i never really felt like i could articulate what i wanted.

it was when i was well into my 30's that i realized i just didn't feel articulate.

even on one of those wish list game things...you know...if you won a million dollars,
what would you do? if you could have any skill better, what would it be? one of
those things......

i remember writing that i wanted to be articulate.

i had SO much inside of me i just couldn't get out for anyone to understand.

this morning, in response to the bone sigh quote of the day,
i got a note from someone who commented that i must really enjoy
'my gift' of expressing things.

my eyebrows went up.
and i grinned.
and i remembered writing about how i wanted to be articulate.

hmmmmm.....

here's the part i'm hoping you might be able to turn on you and think about -

i still don't feel like i can express all that i want.

it's not a 'i'm not good enough' thing.
it's not a 'wounded woman' thing.
it's not any of that.

it's that there's SO much inside of me that i don't know how to get out
and have it make sense to anyone else.

it's that i've just barely touched what's in there.

and i know that.
other people won't know.
how can they?
but i do.

but maybe (and here's your part to flip on you) maybe i have to see the gift
that i do have...which i think i negate because i know what a long way i have to go still...

maybe i have to stop negating it.
and say 'hey, yeah, look....i can express a lot.
i have a ton more i want to express.
i'm growing.
i'm evolving.
and the expressing will do the same.'

and maybe instead of feeling like i can't do what i want -
completely turning that into a knowing that i can.
and anything that big (cause what's inside of me is a lot) is going to take
some time. that's all.

it's not a matter of can't.
it's a matter of patience and growth and allowing.

and i'm just thinking maybe we've all got a splotch like that in our lives.

so today, i think i'm just gonna rejoice in how much i AM articulating.
how it's my own style, and even how my dad and my english teacher prolly
wouldn't be all that impressed......okay....they prolly wouldn't be impressed
at all. even how THAT'S cool.......cause somewhere along the way, i took what
both those guys taught me and made it mine. and made it something i can grow with.

ultimately, that's the goal, isn't it?

coming back into focus.....

in my head, this tidbit that i want to share this morning goes along with
the 'integration' theme. (see post below)

well, it does more than go along with it.....it takes it a step further!
and i'm ready to hear it today and think it's brilliant.

(altho i gotta say i wasn't ready just a bit ago, and even tho i may
have thought it was brilliant, i woulda had trouble even thinking of
attempting it. and i think that's okay. we are where we are, ya know?
today i'm ready!)

'It is not enough to recognize the larger order - we must love it.
We must not just look at it, but appreciate it, move toward it with awe,
and then, that awe emits its own gravity which pulls everything into view.
It is a gravity that confirms our place in the Universe. This is why
sincerity, curiosity, and gratitude are such strong, compelling tools of
the heart, which when inhabited, bring us back into the web of life
where we can feel how everything is connected.'

i've actually experienced this.
you would think experiencing something would be enough for you
to go back to it and remember in a heart beat, right??

seems my head can be pretty thick...

that piece above was written by mark nepo in his 'facing the lion,
being the lion.'

thank you, mark, for once again bringing me back into focus......

a cool thought

the word 'integration' came up yesterday in a big way for me.

a friend sent me a note with a thought about that very thing.
with some help for me in trying to connect the dots of things that
have been going on with me, and seeing it more as a connecting to
the whole than all these little separate things i was feeling.

i immediately thought of the butterfly i dreamed about a few days
ago (see butterfly post below).......and how that symbol was
completely about integration.

between the two i had my insides and my outsides covered.
seeing it all as working together.

well, i tell ya, when you're ready to hear, you're ready to hear.

i worked a long day yesterday. i was alone packing orders.
the perfect combination to do some real thinking. and i just kinda held
the integration thought.

i thought of all the ups and downs i had been feeling.
all the loss, all the growth, all the confusion......
the whole big ol' mix.

and i felt like i could see what my friend was talking about.
i felt like i could see how it all works together and how it all
furthers me along my path. and i truly felt okay about it all.
which totally amazed me as i hadn't before.
at all.

here's a key thing that was in her note -
'it furthers you along your path to authentic joy.'

authentic joy.

that's an interesting phrase.

in my head lately, i've been thinking all this stuff is taking me to a place
where i can get to a deeper level of accepting life for what it is.
really really accepting it. to a place where i didn't struggle with it
nearly as much as i do now. a place where i knew it was okay.

i was thinking it was about heading to a deeper acceptance.

and i'm wondering........are they the same thing?
a deep(er) acceptance perhaps is an authentic joy.

and this thought has me grinnin' away today.

maybe it is.
and isn't that just a cool thought?

one heck of a good bad dream!

yet another dream......

and nah, you're safe, i won't type it out.

but here's why it's blog worthy -
it was the first time EVER (that i know of, anyway) that my inner child was in a dream.

she was walking. i didn't see the front of her. just from behind.
and no i didn't know it was her in the dream.
but when i woke up, i certainly did.

it actually wasn't a good dream.
it was an alert, i think.
you know.....like pay attention, not good stuff is happening and you need
to pay attention.

but that's good in its own way.
we all need alerts.

what i'm so thrilled about is how significant that part has become for me.
so significant she showed right on up in my dream!
she's talking to me big time.

i had never even heard of the 'inner child' ten years ago.
and now......i can't imagine life without her.
altho, i tend to push her aside an awful lot.

but now she's strong enough that she can holler out in different ways.
including dreams.

and that seemed like something worth sharing!

we just keep workin, we just keep tryin, we just keep on goin'....
and we grow.

somehow, without even knowing it, we grow.

i think that's just so darn awesome.

and she hung the gutter.....

okay, i swear, last of the home repair posts for awhile.....
but i just couldn't resist.....
cause i did most of the gutter hanging all by myself!
(and yes! you can tell......yes.......it's a little bit funky.......altho i've
been assured it's just cosmetically funky, not functionally funky....so there!)

wandering around lowes, i didn't even know where the gutter section was.
i had been in another lowes just the other day with my guy getting a lesson
in gutter clips. who knew there were different kinds of clips to hang your
gutter??? we had gone over the different options very seriously. he then
instructed me to check out what i had, figure out what i wanted, and go
from there. (and this stuff interests me now??? life is weird.)

so here i was, back in another lowes, having taken my gutter down,
having replaced some rotten wood (with much of my son's help) and deciding
all on my own that i'd like some fresh new whatever this stuff is that i pulled
off the rotten wood.

 i think it's called drip guard.

the drip guard was over with the shingles. i found it. and looked up at it.
and looked up.
and looked up.

uh oh.
they come in ten feet pieces.
uh oh.

i thought of my mustang in the parking lot.

hmmmmmm.......

i hesitated.
pictured my son's truck.
hesitated.
and then...
i grinned.
what the heck.
i'd make it work.

so i grabbed some of those big ol' tall things, some clips i wanted,
and some other REAL handyman things i needed.
REAL handyman things here for me now, babe.

never before had i used lowes for real.
everyone else had done that for me.
my at the time husband, my sons, my guy...
not me.
i go for plants, paint, and curtain hooks.

i tell ya, walking down the big ol' lumber aisle with my ten feet pieces
of drip guard stuff,  i felt good.

i refrained from telling the lady checking me out 'look! look! i'm gonna
do this all by myself!' but it took some effort to not do that.

i loaded up my mustang........with the really cool little hatchy thing in the
back seat that goes down, i could slip those babies right thru the trunk to
the front seat without a problem! ha!

my gutter's up. the drip guardy thing is up........and the house project stuff
is mostly cleaned up and put away.

granted, it took me about 30 times longer than it would have anyone else.
granted, i have one heck of a slant on my gutter.
granted, one of the clips is a little bit more crooked than i'd like.
BUT.......it's up!

and here's the thing......here's why i keep posting about this crazy stuff........
i'm about as uncoordinated and dopey a non-fixer as you get. it's totally a weak
part of who i've been so far. but i can see how it will so limit what happens
around me. i can see i need to strengthen that part of me.

i don't want to keep asking everyone around me to help me do things.
it's okay for some things. we all need each other. i know that.
but it's not okay for a large extent.

if i can't take care of this place on my own, then i don't think i should stay here.
and i want to stay here.
oh yeah, if i had money, i'd be fine with hiring people to do all this stuff.
oh yeah. i'd be good with that.
but that's not an option right now.
which actually turns out very cool.......because the only other choice is
to learn it and do it.

so i've decided........step up and do what you gotta do, ter.
learn what you gotta learn.
and try.
because it's your place now, girl.

and i just think that's the coolest thing.
life is pushing me to grow.
and this time it's not emotionally......it's in handyman form.
how fun is that?!

laundry anyone?!

houston! we have water flow!

it took an entire day....
there was drilling thru cinder block,
cutting thru 6 inches of concrete,
more digging,
a little chipping of some other concrete,
lotsa toxic gluing,
running out for more parts,
tools everywhere,
and cleaning,
cleaning,
cleaning..

my washer works again.

wow.
i gotta wonder how come i get so tired when what i mostly
do is hover, ask a million questions and let out a few thousand
wows and look at thats.....

i did clean. and i did get down in the little ditch a bit.
and i held the toxic purple primer and the glue.

and i learned a ton.
i mean a ton.

between this, fixing the roof....and did i mention the dryer broke
and with the guidance of noah, i (we) took it all apart?!

so between the pipes, the roof and the dryer....i have learned
a ton. just a ton.

the biggest thing thru it all, and it seems to always be the biggest
lesson whenever i watch the guys tackle a house project -

don't be afraid of it.
take it apart, figure it out.
take it step by step.
think.
if you don't know, ask someone who does.
be patient.
know it's gonna take time and effort and
be okay with that.

that's what my guys teach me over and over.

this morning i was thinking about it.....
that's a pretty nifty little list to take into your way of working with life,
isn't it?!

i gotta tell you.........i think i do exactly the opposite of every single one
of those things!! i'm sitting here eyes wide laughing and groaning.....

oh i mean, i can do all that on a good day. maybe. sometimes.
but on a rattled day? check this out -

i'm afraid of it. (my feelings, what's coming, not being able to deal with it)

i DO take it apart. that i do.

step by step, nah. i want to just whoosh thru, go right to the end.

think....well, that should be clarified - cause i'll think....but in the wrong direction
a lotta the time!!

won't talk to people about it. shut down.

certainly lose all patience.

afraid of any time and effort and just want it to be done.

and i'm not okay with it!

ohmygosh.....who knew the angle you need to come at working on the house
is the same angle you need to come at working on yourself?!

which is actually quite symbolic and wonderful, isn't it?!

ahhhhhhhh.......i'm workin' hard on learning to be a handyman....
um......handywoman.

think i'm gonna work on mixing the me and the house together.
this could be really really cool.

in the meantime, i think i'll do a load of laundry!
cause i can!