scaredy cats.....

workin' on the accounting right now...
sigh.
number time.

just added up the sales for may.
oh what the heck....let's compare them
with the beginning months of the year.
ohhhhhh........
the lowest yet.
and last month was the second lowest.
ohhhhhhh...........
not so good.
not the way it's sposed to work........

and are ya ready???
i felt relieved!
i said out loud, all enthusiastically to the
boys "no wonder i've been feelin' scared about
money lately! we really are low!!"

and then i belly laughed.

it felt so good that i wasn't just bein' a scaredy
cat for nothing that i forgot to be scared about the
numbers!!!

there's gotta be a weird lesson in there somewhere....

yo's creation

yo yo called me over to his computer this morning to show
me something he had made.
i walked over, leaned in towards the screen and gasped.
tears started rollin' down my face.

we've been talking about a new product that we wanted to
offer....we needed the art to go with it. that was his job.
without even tryin, he just hit it!

i had to share......
to the magic little one inside us all.......

wouldon't it be nice?

i was outside this morning when i saw an old
rope swing layin' under a tree.
wow.
how have i missed seein' that all these years???
oh, yeah.....the guys have had a car parked over there
for ages now....that would hide it.
but there it was.
and i just stopped and looked at it laying there.
i could hear the guys as kids, squealin' about it,
yellin' 'higher' and wanting to go faster....i could
see the spinning and laughing....i could see the shorts
and tank tops, the tans, messy hair....
i was back in the days of my kids bein' kids.

and then i floated back. saw the old board layin' in
the dusty dirt....the rope a different color now, all
worn and old....

i took a walk and thought of all the changes in life.
and how it's such a mix of wonderful and hard....
wouldn't it be nice if the guys were still kids??
but then i thought of all we've shared as they've become
young men.

i thought of my marriage.
wouldn't it be nice if i was still married....uh....happily, of
course. and that we had an intact, happy family.
yeah.
but then i woulda missed all that's happened since the
break up...

then i really got rollin'....
wouldn't it be nice if....
wouldn't it have been nice if.....
and each time there was a response 'yeah, but then i'd
have missed this.......or that.........'

i've heard the 'you can't go back, you can't stop time, the world
can't stand still' stuff forever.....
but i really saw it this morning.
it's hard to let go of things that were wonderful at some point.

but it's the very definition of life, isn't it?
it's not about holding on to.
it's about flowing with.

it's in the holding that i stop living....
just as it's in the flowing that i truly am
living....

wouldn't it be nice if i could just remember that?!

my weekend

it's not about pushin' to be more, is it?

we don't have to be more.
we have 'it' already.

stop the pushin' and just be.

breathe it in and know it.
breathe it out and live it.

and the weekend's emotions floated away...

a gift from a reader....and from an author....

ahhh...just headin' to a shower and bed.........
gonna just collapse when i came to turn the puter off
and found this sent to me as a comment on the last blog.
an offering.........
it's incredible. and you know what?! i have this book
somewhere......think it's time to bring it back out!
thank you, thank you, thank you!

>>>>>>>>


Excerpts from “The Invitation”


“When I imagine myself as an old woman at the end of my life and ask myself how I will evaluate my time here, there is only one question that concerns me: Did I love well? There are a thousand ways to love other people and the world – with our touch, our words, our silences, our work, our presence. I want to love well. This is my hunger. I want to make love to the world by the way I live in it, by the way I am with myself and others every day. So I seek to increase my ability to be with the truth in each moment, to be with what I know. This is what brings me to the journey. I do not want to live any other way. And sometimes, I allow myself to imagine that each moment in which we love well by simply being all of who we are and being fully present allows us to give back something essential to the Sacred Mystery that sustains all life.”
”I cannot save myself, nor those I love, from the sorrow that is part of life. Knowing this, it is tempting to protect myself from pain by simply closing a little to life, especially in the areas where I have been hurt, in the areas that matter most…We live in a culture that wants only the times of fullness, that often denies outright the fading times. We have forgotten that there can be no full moon without the existence at other times of the tiny sliver of light surrounded by darkness. The fullness of summer is held, on the opposite side of the wheel, by the time of the longest night. To be separated from these cycles of the world, from the births and deaths, is to be separated from life itself. But still we work frantically, seeking the knowledge that will put humans outside this natural cycle of blossoming and decay.
“And all the while, deep inside, I know what I have always known: that the knowledge will never be enough. This is the secret we keep from ourselves. And the moment is revealed, we become aware of a need for something else: for the wisdom to live with what we do not know, what we cannot control, what is painful – and still choose life. And all the while, wisdom asks us to choose life. She does not want us to just continue, to hang on, to survive. She asks us to experience life actively, fully, every day – to show up for all of it.”
Oriah Mountain Dreamer

a very full day.........

ya know, it just isn't easy, is it?

in the last few hours i've spent time reading a book
in hopes of finding thoughts to offer a mom dealing
with the death of her daughter and then i spent time with
a dad struggling hard not to lose his son.
coming up will be time with the son tossing so many
things away.

in between all that stuff i saw a lot of pain, confusion,
frustration, and lost opportunities.......

i'm anxiously awaiting the return of my sons this evening.
i just want to look at them and hear them laugh.

i want security. i want things to turn out 'good,' i want
to control it all and make it all okay.

yeah, right.
okay....maybe i just want to go hide under the covers.

i can't control, i can't hide.
where's that leave me?

living.

that leaves me living the best i can.

how?
how do i do that?

how do i live the absolute best that i can
and know it's not mine to control?

i spose the answer is always and always
will be......with an open heart.

my god........whoever figured it'd be so darn
hard?

mt. st. helens

it's been just over seven months so far of walking
thru the aftermath of a tragedy with someone i love.

last nite i saw the first real ray of sunshine shine thru
the darkness, and i just about flew outta my chair
i was so excited to see it.

wasn't even lookin' for it. and there it was.
woe.
isn't that life?!

i stopped the conversation right then. said 'did you
see that?!' and told her what i saw.
told her that i just got a flash of this documentary
i saw years and years ago. it was on mt. st. helens.
it followed the total devastation that took place.....
and then the very first sprouts of life that made their
way thru the crusty black stuff.

the only thing i remember from that whole documentary
was this shot of this little green sprout with all the black
background.

i remember being stunned that it found it's way thru.

i told her about that. told her my job was to be her mirror.
to show her when she was doin' good thru this. and i didn't
want her to miss this moment.

it was the first time ever i heard her say that she would
work on taking her power back.

she didn't word it that way. she didn't even know she was
doin' it. not sure she really knows yet. and i didn't really tell
her with those words. i think that's a scary thought sometimes.
but that's what she's doin'.

it takes energy to do that. it takes will. it takes desire.

seven months later i see the little sprouts of those things in her.

and i'm thanking the universe that i got to witness that.

excuse me, which terri said that?!

is it safe to tell you i talk to the little terri's inside of me?
yeah. i do.
sometimes i can just feel this little girl energy inside.
it's all kinda weird to talk about cause you just sound
totally looney when you try.
so i mostly don't try unless you're my trusted buddy.

but we need that much of an intro to get this thought
out:

i figured out that when i used a certain word,
buttons from my childhood were being pressed.

i figured out that if i was tellin' someone they were
'being mean' then whatever was buggin' me was
a childhood issue.

i thought that was kinda cool. i didn't know. didn't
use the word on purpose. it just happened enough
that i noticed it.

last nite i said something else....i said:
'i don't want you to get all mad at me...'
i noticed it.
it was the little terri part of me.

i could tell just by the phrasing, the way i said it.
i was pretty caught up in the moment, so to even
have noticed was pretty awesome. but i kept on
goin' with the moment and didn't stop to reflect
on what i had noticed. until this morning.

first of all......
how awesome cool is that?!
and how awesome weird?!

i tried to tell zakk about it.
he just started laughing and shaking his head.
he said he already knew that. that he saw it
many many times. he also clued me in that when
the 'little terri' part was out i would stomp my foot.
he grinned, told me that always made him laugh,
which, he added, never helped the situation any, but
he couldn't help it.....and that he knew all this already.

well, isn't that just the weirdest thing.
do you spose that there's wording from my teenage
years, early married years, mothering years, all the
buttons have their own phrases when pushed??
is that possible???

and if there is........if you could tune in.......when something
bothered you and you heard your response.......well then,
you could figure out what buttons were being pushed from
what era of your life and work with it from that angle.

wouldn't that be wild?!

the past isn't present

it's the weirdest thing....
i'll freeze up. won't want to say out loud what's
really botherin' me. no matter how legitimate it is.
eventually i will, because deep down i trust him enough.
but it's really really really really really hard.

i found this happening last nite.
and while he waited patiently for me to struggle
with myself enough to get it out, i heard myself
say "i don't want you to get all mad at me...."

sound like something a little girl would say???

i walked and thought about it this morning.
he has NEVER gotten mad at me for telling him
that i'm feelin' bad about something. never.
not once.

and yet, the feeling floods me every time i need
to do that. the fear of him being angry with me,
and not seeing how important it is to me.

and there it was.

history.
my past.

i knew that happened, and i knew i'd been hurt
by that kinda thing....but it wasn't til this morning
that i saw what a huge weight that was inside of me.

i mean, look at it......
you put out what's bothering you......
and the response is either anger or that it's your
own darn fault, or you're being terribly small for not
understanding the other person and giving your needs
away.

the seeing you, understanding you, wanting to help
you part is totally lacking....

while i've looked at that from the top level of it being
a pain, and wrong....and yeah, maybe sometimes i've
put my toes in it and seen that it tells me i don't really
matter that much....

i don't think i ever really saw it as clearly as i do today.

wow.

thing is.....it's not that way anymore.
and the past is the past.
it absolutely isn't my present.

how cool is that?!
somewhere, somehow i made it out of that........
now.
the trick?
don't put it back in when it's not there!!!!!!

a bone sigh order

well.
there it was.
prolly the order that most suprised me ever.
there he was.
he had come thru and ordered a bone sigh.
(the art i sell)
you're kiddin'??
i scratched my head, confused.
well, maybe he's got a girlfriend this is for...
no.
turns out it's for him.

i'm all excited.
is he coming back into my life?
does he want to try to make things better?
work things out? get closer???

i email him.
leaving all the doors open for such things.
no, terri.
he really just wants a bone sigh.
for himself.
for himself???
yeah.
for himself.

i watched how fast i had opened all the doors.
how fast joy and hope and leapt up in my heart.
how much i wanted something and how easily he
let it slip on by.

i sat back.
well, it's not so bad.....
if he wanted a bone sigh, there's a connection there
somehow. and if he wanted it for himself, well, there's
more there than i know.

and watchin' how quickly my heart sprang open,
there's a lot more inside me than i knew too.

sitting back, i release one more time........

fear after fear after fear after fear

bein' the supportive friend that i am, i was just teasin'
someone i love about her fear.
nice, huh?
and i grinned and said we hadn't even gotten to the
big stuff yet!
well.....after scarin' her more with that flip comment,
it made me think....

once you get one fear down, there's another!

i guess i had been distracted with gettin thru a fear
and then leaving that fear behind.....how that was such
a good thing.

but ya know, it's forever, isn't it?? this fear stuff.
at least with me, it is.
it's so darn forever.

there's always something i'm tryin' to hurdle, walk thru
or hide from! and i'm thinking that somewhere
down deep i was thinking if i got far enough, i wouldn't
have to be doin' this hurdlin', walkin' or hidin' any more.

what was i thinking???

it's a life time of that stuff.....
so get used to it.
make it an accepted part of your life, ter.
not something that you fight all the time.

that was the beginning of a book i read recently. he started
off sayin' life was struggle and if you understood that and
accepted that, it'd help a whole lot.

that's what i feel like with this thought. same kinda thing.
and ya know what?
it sunk it.

but that's only because i'm groggy from a weird nite of
dreams.
in a few hours i will have forgotten, and be fighting some
kinda fear of mine.....

oh well.....such is life.
for the moment, it makes a little sense to me......

contained no more.....

okay. so i'm sitting there with a story weaver.
yeah. how cool is that?!
she was telling me about a group story weaving
session she did with some women.
this one part just caught me and wouldn't let me go.

picture yourself in bed sleeping. and then you hear
something calling and you wake up. it's calling you.
you get up to answer the call......

she fancied that all up and went on with the story
and it was awesome.....
but that one part.....well, i couldn't shake it.

what would be calling me???

so, of course, when i went to bed that nite, i tried
it. what would be calling me??

the answer totally surprised me.
totally surprised me.
i thought it would be about my work, where i'm going
with what i do. that kinda thing.

no. it wasn't.
it was about the guy in my life.

and yeah, yeah, that sounds like a great place for jokes,
or really sentimental....but it wasn't either for me last nite.

it was weird.

and i realized something....
i've FINALLY stopped running.
yeah, i sooo want to do something meaningful with my life,
and i so want to offer anything i can to the world. i've always
thought that was first for me. and it has been ever since i've
known this guy. i didn't realize they really go hand in hand.

yesterday i was telling him that i saw how much he and i had
helped each other grow. i saw so much change in the both of us
over the years. good change. good stuff. and i really saw what
we were doin' for each other.

and i mean that.
and then this stupid calling where i heard it being about him.
jeesh.
i gotta shake my head.

i've been fighting it for years.
i knew i had love. but i have tried so hard to keep it "contained."
i didn't know that it had sunk down into my bones
and i was now ready to claim it all the way thru.

contained no more.

wow.
that's pretty darn huge stuff for me.

not at anyone's mercy!

okay.
interesting conversation just now...
asked for help in my thinking.
i was feeling 'at the mercy of' someone else.
what they did was gonna affect what i could do.
and i resented it.
asked for help in thinking about it.

i got the only answer you could really get....
that you're not at anyone's mercy. it's all up to you.

yeah, yeah, i said.
they were no help.

grin.

but i know it's true.

it's entirely up to me.

and yeah, it's totally true that what they do in
this situation will affect what i do in other situations.
totally true.
but that's with everything/everyone isn't it?
and that's what my buddy told me.

what's up to me is HOW i do whatever it is i do.
no one else can control that.
i'm not at anyone's mercy with that.

sigh.

that's good news and bad news.
it's good news cause i have control over that, and
i can make my life what i want.
it's bad news cause it takes a lotta work!

but what the heck.
the whole thought is pretty exciting.
i start putting it on this and that and them and
that over there......and well....

i'm kinda psyched about this.

i tell ya, when that feeling came up...i could feel it flood
all over me. i was at their mercy.
ugh.
it was a horrible feeling.

this one.....this one's floodin' in now.
i'm likin it........

women!

it's hitting me like it's never hit me before....
how incredibly cool women can be.

i knew that, of course, but today i'm seein' it all
around me and just kinda reveling in it.

no wonder men fall in love with women. and
women fall in love with women....

it makes sense.
they're interesting creatures.

i'm feelin' quite glad to be one of them today!

wanna come out and play?

it's not the destination, it's the journey.
yeah, yeah, yeah.
i've heard it a million times.
and i know it's true.
but when i hear that phrase, i just kinda tune it out...
heard it one too many times.

but today......for whatever reason, i lived it.

and as usual, i'll do something right and instead of
thinking how good that is, i'll think how amazing it
is that i can't keep it up!!!

grin.

oh well.
i still have a long way to go.
but that's the idea....

and how i get there.........
that's the idea.
(cause, i know, i know.........there is no 'there.')
how i get there is what counts.......
today i traveled in playfulness.

i laughed today.
put myself out there and said what i wanted and
played and didn't care what happened.

seriously.......why can't i do that more often?!

there's a lot to be said for play.
i think it's way underestimated.

i'm thinking for me, i can only play when i feel
really good inside.
and yet, i need play to feel good.

one of those yin yangy things.......

i'm gonna try it again tomorrow.
gonna try to play, laugh, put myself out there
and say what it is i want.
and know that whatever i get is okay.

can i do it two days in a row???
oh, that would so rock......

workin' from the heart...

wow.
i found a gold mine last nite.
i found some letters my pop had written me years ago.
i so wish i had copies of the ones i'd written him as his
were responses to mine.

apparantly mine were some pretty from the heart notes.
no kidding, huh?! i could tell by the subjects he responded to.

and his......oh my.
what an eye opener.
they were so from his head.
hard to believe we're father and daughter.
and yet, i saw the similarities woven thru.

i honestly believe he was tryin' to show me love. that he
felt the notes were loving.

but wow.
you can't really love from the head, can you???

you just can't.

my dad was extreme. it was obvious. and it was obvious
it wasn't working. but how about the rest of us???
maybe not so obvious, but still doin' it.

while i know i operate from the heart most of the time,
i also know the head stuff gets in there too.

it doesn't just have to be about love. it's all about life.
all about life.

do you operate from the head or the heart?
and what areas are from the head?
and why???

i've also been thinking about the theme i was writing about
weeks ago....the 'make your life what you want' day/week
thing i was doin'....

i've been feelin' bad about the way something's goin' in my life.
but sittin' back and lettin' it happen. and you know what???
i've been operating from my head with that one!!!!
hearin' my heart pull at me, and listening to my head.

how about i make my life what i want?
well, i'm thinking that's gotta include workin' from the heart.

once again, my dad is one of my best teachers......

thinking......

practically went running out for my walk...
felt a tad bit desperate as i started, thinking
how am i gonna ever face this hurt with love???
how am i going to be able to sit across the table
from the personification of it all and send love??

and then it occurred to me....
actually getting myself to the table to do this
has taken years. and i know i'll try to do it.
i know i'll get to the table.
and THAT'S the work. the gettin' there part.

then i started getting muddled and very very
frustrated.

i changed gears. switched scenes. different players.

how come i can't believe someone's real love
is about me? when will i ever be able to hold that?
and i felt so incredibly frustrated.

and then something else occurred to me......
these two things are definitely going hand in hand.
deep hurt from one end, not holding love on the other.
i knew that, but i saw it in this particular part of the
path very clearly.

and my getting to that table with one is going to help me
hold the real love with the other.

and i think i might know why......
because if i can sit calmly at a table with my personification
of hurt, and send that person love, see that person, well...
then i'll be seeing more clearly. and i'll know all that hurt isn't
about me. i'll be letting that knowledge sink to my bones.
it isn't it my bones yet. this will be bone sinking stuff.
it may take more than once, but it can sink down thru if
i let it.

and when i get that, really really really get that.......
i can move on to the really good stuff.

and then i thought of my buddy just tellin' me that all the
growth doesn't have to be painful. and i smiled. okay.
so the good stuff........the incredible love that is being offered
to me....maybe i can only hold pieces of it.
but the pieces i hold are wonderful.
and maybe it'd be a good spot to do the 'fake it til i make it'
stuff. and then i thought of 'the secret' philosophy.
believe it. know it. feel it.

i think i can do all of this.
yeah.
i do.
and i know i'll hit a bump where i don't believe it
anymore.

but for now, i believe it.
and i'm gonna go with it.

gonna get myself ready for a little table talk......

oh great.

sometimes i feel like i've hit the
college level courses in life....and sometimes i gotta
say i just don't want them.

i've been strugglin' with a pretty big issue in my life.
tryin' to figure out the way to 'be love' thru it. it just
wasn't clear to me.

and then today i had an insight. i figured it was a good
start, and i knew what i had to do.

the bottom line was to accept someone that i've had
a really big track record of hurt with. sit across from
them and work on just seeing who they are and sending
them love. breathing thru the pushed buttons and baggage
and work on just being and seeing and sending love.

i actually thought i could do this.

and then, very casually, without anyone realizing it,
a hurt related to all of this slammed into my face. something
that brings up the depths of it all to me. something that
makes me want to run and hide.

actually, i did inside me.
i said 'forget it. i can't do this. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.
everyone can just leave me alone.'

i still feel that way.

i don't want to do this.
and i see it as a very valid reason to quit and not do it.
there's been too much hurt. it's all just sucked. i don't want
any part of it anymore. it just doesn't stop. they've created
a world where it just keeps on goin'. and i want it to just
leave me alone. i won't have anything to do with this.

and then quietly, every so quietly, the thought slipped its
way thru my brain....

'then they win, terri...if you stop, you let the small mindedness,
the mean spiritedness, the closed heartedness win. you let
the stuff that is less than make you less than.'

oh great.
just great.

just great.

so now i gotta go try to be, see and give love when all i want
to do is go cry and hide.

and as i wrestled with this, i glanced at my wall....with a quote
from victor frankl hangining on it....

'it did not really matter what we expected of life but rather
we had to ask ourselves what life expected of us.'

i have a week or two to prepare.
and then, i'll try.
i'll do the very best i can.
and if it doesn't quite work the first time, i'll try it again.

because maybe it's true that love doesn't always win out
in the real world....but maybe inside me i can make love
be the winner.

security and subdued souls

i told someone i love today that i was worried about
their soul gettin' eatten away by their job.

i've been kinda thinking about that a bit over here...

it's a repeating theme this week, third time it's come up
in different ways.

funny too....it's been in the form of a government job,
a private job, and a self employed job.
ah! nothing like covering all the bases!

doesn't have to be a job either, does it?

how is it we let our souls get eatten away without
running to save them???
is it because it happens so slowly we don't even notice??

what are the warning signs?
are they the same for everyone?

and when we do discover it........what then???
do we throw security to the wind and claim our lives
back???
or do we hand it all away for health insurance and
retirement funds??

i'm not accusing or mocking...
i'm seriously wondering.

having fallen apart recently with my own health insurance
crisis and running right to the most secure answer i could
find (which, luckily didn't work out...) i totally totally get
the pull.

i'm thinking maybe it's just cause we can't do the long term
seeing.
we THINK we are.
we THINK we're doin' the long term seeing by planning
retirements and insurance costs....

but are we seein' how quiet and subdued our souls are
growing???

is anyone noticing???

laughter!

laughter.

ever feel like you need a fix of laughter??
or would that be a fit of laughter??

for me, it's a great gauge on how i'm doin' in life.
i love to laugh and play.

the last two years have been filled with so much
heaviness that the laughter comes in little spurts.
each time i hear it, i love it and miss it....but it takes
energy, healing, that kinda stuff...
and sometimes it's just not there.

it's coming back into my life.
i've been seein' it more and more.
monday i sat on my couch laughing with a new friend
and it felt SO good.
we just set up another date for laughing next week.
when i found myself squealing about it this morning,
i realized i'm coming back to myself.

i have missed laughing.
i have missed squealing.
i have missed being excited about things.

yo's got ozzy blarin' off his computer this morning
(of course) and he's singing out 'mama, i'm comin' home'
over and over and i'm just grinnin'.

that's EXACTLY what i feel like.
me and ozzy.
we must be soul mates.

cause, mama, i'm comin home!!!!!!!

specifics anyone?

so i got filled with the 'treasuring my treasure' idea
the other day...yeah, there's a blog a few blogs down
on that.

and i took the time to tell one of my biggest treasures
that i treasured him.

i figured it was a no brainer. he knew plenty and didn't
need to hear it.

wrong.

he really appreciated hearing it. said it meant a lot.

and yeah, i know i say it a lot.
but ya know....i guess there's sayin' it in a general way...
and then sayin' it in a specific way.
i'm thinking the more specific, and the more different
specifics the better. i think i tend to be too general too often.

and so then i get to thinking of my last blog.
the power of our acts/words.

i was thinking of it more in a negative way.
you know...watch out for sayin' the stuff that hurts/
doin the stuff that leaves marks.

well.......helloooooooo terri.........
how about the fun lovey stuff?!
JUST as powerful!
and much more fun to dwell on!!

growing CAN be fun, as my new buddy pointed
out. you actually can grow thru good things, she
said to me with a smile.

i like this.
just what specifically DO i treasure?

ahhhh the list is long........
which is so awfully cool.

powerful acts

the power our acts have over other people
is astounding.

i heard a story this morning where it wasn't
a good thing. where i'm sure it left a pretty
deep mark, and yet the one with the power
doesn't even know he left yet another mark.

no, that's not true.
he knows. he just doesn't know he knows
at the moment. or at least on the top level.
he knows somewhere down deep. and maybe,
if we're lucky, we can gently talk about it at
some point.

that's a maybe. it's not really my goal.

i figured out that my goal can't be about other
people getting things.

it's gotta be about me really seeing and learning.

what i see here is fatigue and hurt leading up to
a point that makes you unable to rally at a moment
that matters. and that leads to deeper fatigue and
hurt...on both parts.

and the power turns in a negative direction.

i can see the importance of realizing your strength
is low...and going a little bit slower with what's
happening because of that.

i put this on my own not so great moments when
what i did affected another. the times that went badly
were times that i didn't slow down, times that i put
me ahead of them.

my fatigue, my impatience, my not wanting to deal
with it anymore....over their need, their ideas, their
value.

when i really look at it like that, i cringe.

and i think it's a great thing to really look at.
the deeper the cringe, the more aware i'll be next
time.

the power our acts have over other people is
astounding.

i need to brand that on my heart and hold that
with all the respect it deserves.

magic

oh those darn money fears have been creepin' in.
i sat with the boys at breakfast and told them that
they were back. the dreaded fears. and i had finally
figured out why.

now that i understood why, i knew i needed to do
something, but i still had the wobbles.

you would think that after all we've been thru, all the
darn tight spots and wigglin' outta them, that'd i'd be
done being scared with the finances.

but uh....yeah....thick headed runs in my family.

so there i sat.
and i decided to do something symbolic to stare that
fear in the eyes.

and so i did.
a little bit more nervously than i had hoped. but i
still did it.

and then i turned back to my day.

and then....
yeah.
there they were.

two really really really cool, outstanding money things
happened today.
two things that i couldn't help noticing.
two things that made me laugh out loud.

one woulda been enough.
but i am thick headed....so two was nice.

and no. they didn't magically fix my finances.
what they did was gently fix my attitude.
and it's my attitude that needed the fixing.

sometimes it's just hard NOT to believe in
magic....

being human

what do you do when someone values you?
when someone puts it right in your face and
says you're worth something to them?

i'm lucky enough to get that sometimes thru
my work. and being the incredibly together
person i am, i usually smile and nod and put
the thought right down. over there. way over
there.

sometimes i TRY to hold it, but i just don't
seem to be too good at that.

today someone did something for me that put
it in my face. and i just didn't know what to do.

i took a shower. got in my psychic phone booth
and thought about it. really thought about it.

and something happened.

i got flooded with gratitude. just filled with this
incredible thankful feeling that someone could
connect with a thought i had. that i can make
a difference to someone.

we all can.
we all do.
and yet, how many of us really know?
how many of us put that thought down.
over there. way over there.

and i wonder why.

it doesn't mean we're great and mighty and
above anyone....
what i think it really means is we're equal.
we're the same.
and that's how come we can touch each other.
cause we're right there in it, sharin' it.

it means we're connected. not alone.

is that the fear?
how can that be the fear?
what the heck is the fear?
why put it down. over there.
why???
cause then we matter???
isn't that the desire???
ah..but then if we matter......does that mean
someone cares?
and then if they care.....
does that mean we'll just let them down???

is that the fear???
maybe it's a whole big mixture of fears.

i just don't know.

what i do know is that i understood today
that my humanness connects me to others.
and the more i open my heart, the more connected
i am.

maybe that's the fear......
the more i believe i touch, the more i know i have
to open.

down to that ol' cellular level, ya know?
grin.

and yeah, that's scary.
and way cool.
all at the same time.

treasuring your treasures........

oh you know....he might be such a clod sometimes.
she can so get on your nerves....
you just don't have time for that stuff right now......

ahhhhh..........the stuff of life.

but what if they left?
decided to go away?
what if they were just taken away?

what if it all changed?

then all those perceptions would change, wouldn't they?

seems like a good idea to change those perceptions now.
to treasure my treasures.

a friend who lost her daughter said to me yesterday that
it's so hard to watch parents yell at their kids. she gets
so full of "just love them!!" and she has to turn away from
the whole thing just to survive......

to treasure my treasures.
what better goal?
i'm thinking it has GOT to bring you to that open heart
i'm always workin' on..........
cause you have to see that the cloddishness, the craze
of it all....the stuff that can hurt.......it doesn't matter in
the long run.

that would be stuff that opens your heart.

maybe it's as easy as treasuring your treasures.

hmmmmm..........

fuzzy forgiveness

ya know.........the older i get, the more confused i get.
i used to see things so clearly.
now nothing makes sense.

talkin' to someone travelin' one heck of a hard road today.
and mixed into her travels is hatred.
and yeah, i totally understand it.
figure i'd have it too if i were her.

we talked today of what she should do with that.
where she should hopefully eventually end up with it.....
and the word 'forgiveness' came to mind.
but ya know.......it just felt impossible.

i stumbled.
stuttered.
hesitated.
then said.....ya know i was gonna say 'forgivenes'
but that's so hard to even put out there as a possibility.

and it occurred to me that, once again, i was lost with
stuff i've held true my whole life.

always thought you had to forgive everything.

and yeah......the very word 'forgiveness' is slippery and
i should define what i mean.
not sure what i mean......so i can't define it.
one of the best descriptions i've ever read of forgivenss
was in the book 'women who run with the wolves.'
think i'd better go back and read that part........

the point tho.......
if i could pick where she should end up, i don't know where
i'd pick.

and i think fifteen years ago, i woulda hopped on the
forgiveness train.

i told her that.

she said 'maybe acceptance.'
and i leaped on that.
yeah! acceptance.
that sounded right.

and i'm thinking maybe that would fit in with that definition
in that book......
something about not dwelling on it, letting it go,
not making it your story where it runs your life.
that kinda thing. that sometimes that's forgiveness.

and maybe that's the best you can get to sometimes.

and maybe that's okay.

funny how much fuzzier it all gets the older i get...

cellular levels and frilly socks...

i started out my day cranky.
that's odd.
i'm not usually cranky at the start.
so i took a walk and took a peek at that.
what's that about??

and i landed in the middle of one of the funniest
visuals i've ever had....

there was a young girl in a silly dress. (this would
be me, i figured) and she had on those frilly socks.
remember those? with the frilly lace around the edges?
and those black shoes with the straps?
ohmygosh.
yeah.
there she was.
hands on hips.
stamping her foot.

no kidding.

and ya ready???

she wasn't just cranky cause i wanted to do some
inner work. oh no.
she must be my little drama queen.
she stamps her foot and announces that she's not
changin' on any cellular level!!!

i burst out laughing!!!

cellular level, huh???

grin.
grin.
grin.

i've heard all this cellular level stuff and found it
interesting. i actually buy it. but i hadn't actually
thought thru that what i was tryin' to do was
change at my cellular level.

hmmm......i guess i am.

and then i heard a rant about not wanting to have
to trust more, and not wanting to open any more and
wanting to just stop where we were.

and it occurred to me.
don't fight this.
be gentle here.

so i sat down next to her.
just like i used to sit down next to my boys when
they were little. just waiting. not mad. not demanding.
just accepting and waiting for their pace.

eventually, i leaned in close and said 'we'll just take
it one step at a time, okay?"

she nodded.

holding her hand in mine, we're headin' for the cells...

flood waters

when you feel the pull of an energy outside you...
do you release to it?

do you hear the knock, step in, and then let go???

or maybe it's you hear the knock, open up the door,
and then let go of the door knob.

that's more like it.

and then it's like flood waters flow thru the doorway.
and you're gone.

i can do that.
sometimes i can.

what i'm just now thinking tho is, what if i wanted to
up the amount i do that???
and the places i do that???

my entire world would change.

what's stopping me?

honorin' my pop...

it's father's day.
and my pop is heavy on my mind today.
he passed away about two years ago...
can't say it was an easy journey he and i took together...
but it certainly was an interesting one!

the last leg of the journey was particularly hard.
mostly, i know i wouldn't rewrite the script for anything.
mostly i know that i got more gifts the hard way than i
ever woulda gotten the easy way.

sometimes i waiver.....but mostly i have that.

being a parent isn't easy.
it means we have to become more.
and sometimes, i'm thinking we just aren't ready
for that.....and we just don't know when we step
into the job.

being a grown up kid of a parent isn't easy.
it means we have to become more.the same thing
holds true here. sometimes we just aren't ready.

i'm ready tho.
i watched my dad die without being ready.
and i don't want to do that.

i'm thinking honoring him today is reaffirming the
commitment to become more.

and so i will hold him in my heart today. i will hold
him with so much love. and i will take the things
i've learned from him, and i will become more.
i honestly believe i got the strength to do that from
him.

i honor you, today, dad...for all you were.
happy father's day.

and then there's yo...

i just posted about how rockin' inspiring zakk's been
all week.....

...and then there was yo.

last nite we were cookin' in the kitchen together
while zakk was down in the studio workin'.
yo was braggin' on zakk.
it was incredibly beautiful.

he was sayin' how awesome zakk was and
"DID YOU SEE THE CODE HE WROTE?!"
"you really need to see the code, mom!"
and tellin' me just how brilliant zakk was.

he had no idea how beautiful he was.

the fact that he could so freely be thrilled
about zakk's accomplishments was just stunning
to watch.

not everyone can do that.
and once again, one of my kids inspired me......

zakk

i watched my son work so hard all week.
he's been redoing my website!
and he's been putting in AT LEAST ten hours
a day! no kidding!!!!!!

it was kinda cool to watch. he was so driven.
concentrated so hard. never heard any complaining.
well.....i heard things like
'this so sucks!!" when he got stuck.
but i never heard 'i'm so tired. i can't sit here anymore.'
that kinda thing.

and here's the kicker.....
i NEVER asked him to do this.
he just wanted to do it.

that's the thing.
he WANTED to.

what we can do when we want to, huh??
and his face when something would work right....
wow.....it would just shine!

he has totally inspired me.

i think i've been kinda muddled with life.
and watchin' him this week has inspired the
heck out of me!

if you WANT to do something......you can do
anything.

think about that one.
i watched it all week.
now i'm thinking i need to step right into it!!

and as far as my son goes.......
i couldn't be more proud of him!

off he goes...

we're havin' a bon voyage celebraton for one of
my son's best friends today.

he's headin' out west. followin' his dreams.

my son is a bit sad about his leaving as am i.
i just told him we've just got to concentrate on
his happiness.

and as i said it i knew i'd be tellin' myself that a lot
in the next few years. my sons will be headin' off
to follow their dreams as well.

it reminds me big time today that as trite as it sounds...
it REALLY is a journey.
there REALLY is no standing still.
and nothing is permanent.

i used to think love is permanent.
well, yeah, my thinking on that changed.
then i thought that 'love shared' is permanent -
that that doesn't go away. even if the love dies,
the love that was shared can still be remembered.
but i've seen people throw that away as well.

so......maybe it's up to us what's permanent.
we do throw a lot of things away.
the throw away culture.
wonder if that applies here......

i'm thinking sometimes, when it's really hard,
we throw the good of the past away
because of hurt we're in now. but maybe that's
a really big important blunder.

i'm thinking that it's way important to keep the love
shared alive in our hearts.
to refrain from negating it.
seems to me that if we negate love in any form,
we're just closing up our hearts more.
and that matters.

and i guess that's the point.
we're negating it cause we're hurt and protecting
ourselves. we think that's okay.
and it prolly is for a little while....

but maybe just for a little while.

easy to say. hard to do.

life is such a journey.
today's a good reminder for me.
and the love shared with this young man.....
that's easy.
that's permanent stuff around here.
and i'm gonna celebrate that today!

loving your shame.....

had an awesome visual yesterday.

went way down to a deep level....a place
where not too many people ever entered...
and found my shame.

didn't go there looking for it. just kinda saw it
there staring at me. grumpy.

odd (or maybe not) it was in the form of a
masculine snake.

nah, that's not so odd, is it??

anyway.......
i was being guided thru this visual (my first time
for such a thing!) and was nudged to ask what it wanted.
not sure i woulda done that without being nudged.
took about all i had to figure out he was my shame.

but i thought it was a good question. so i asked.

to be loved.

i laughed.
you gotta be kiddn' me???

to be loved?!

does EVERYTHING want that???

or maybe every piece of me does.......

and so i did.
and guess what? he morphed into a little girl then.
a brilliantly beautiful little girl.

a thought occurred to me this morning.......
loving my shame doesn't mean i love what happened
to me.
it means i love me.

that might be worth retyping.......

loving your shame doesn't mean you love what
happened to you. it means you love you.

i don't know.
that seemed like a new thought to me this morning.
and it seemed like a real important little detail.

thought it was worth throwin' out there......

refocusing

refocusing.

it's getting easier and easier to do.

is that a good thing???

i can't decide.

part of me screams yes!
it's empowerment, taking control of your life,
making your days better.

part of me says it's giving up on things that
matter......keeping yourself from living in
disappointment.....

i wonder which it is.
maybe both.
and everything inbetween.

little boy blue is a big girl now.

what happens when you take a feminine poet
and have her share a house with three young
guys???

she starts mixing her rumi poetry with
ozzy osbourne!

one of my sons pointed these lyrics out to me
recently. some of his new favorites.
i jumped right on the band wagon!~
i love these!
and when i hear them blasting out of
my son's computer as i'm tryin' to work,
i just smile.

****
well, i don't know if i'm up or down.
whether black is white or blue is brown.
the colors in my life are all different somehow.
little boy blue is a big girl now.
*****

little boy blue is a big girl now.

i love that.

watching the hurt in the world.....

i cried this morning.
i listened to the story of someone getting hurt
one more time....and i cried.

did he deserve it?
man.
does anyone deserve it?

did he push the other person to the max?
yeah.
he's real good at that.
real good.

i listened and thought of all the hurt he's
had, and i cried.

i guess he'll get by.
i keep hearin' the stinkin' word 'resilient.'

i used to grab that word and hold it like it
meant something.

now it just feels like a cop out word.

is anyone REALLY resilient???
or do things just get buried and buried
and buried?

the lesson for me over and over?
let go.
you can't fix things.
let go.

does letting go mean stop tryin' to fix things?
then i guess i've got it.

does letting go mean not caring?
cause then i'm not doin such a good job of it.

once again i watch and feel helpless.

and i wonder how in this world someone can
open their heart for real?

today seems like a good day to pry at the
edges and keep it from closing up tight......

so i'll pry.
i'll keep it from slamming shut.
and maybe that will make me
stronger somehow........

step one

i was just finishing up.
read over my post.
saw what my first step needed to be.

did you see the line in that last post?
the one that says "i hate shame."

yeah.
i do.

but um.......
maybe that's the place to start.

maybe not hating.

maybe holding.
and being gentle.

and loving every darn piece of myself.
starting with the shame.......

shame

okay.
it's not just anyone i talk body issues with.
ugh.
but she's not just anyone.
she's someone i trust.
and she asked if she could ask me some questions.

i've known for a long time it's one of my biggest
hurdles. wondered how much i could really tell her.

i heard my voice quiver several times.

and i think prolly the biggest thing to come up
was the realization of the shame that's way way
down at the bottom of it all.

shame???

wow.

we talked of all the reasons for that shame.
but the thing i'm kinda stuck on right now is
that there IS shame.

i hate shame.

and i just uncovered a darn pool of it.

i told her it was odd. my tendency is to really
give a lot of thought to the things that eat at me.
and i mentioned how i knew i never went near this
issue, except in a surface, shallow way. and i knew that.
but didn't do anything about it.

well there ya go.
that would be why.

who the heck wants to go swimmin' thru the pool
of shame to figure out what's up???

thing is, i can't quite figure out how you can truly
open your heart if you've got a pool of shame way
down deep.

great.
just great.
this is sounding like a lotta work to me......

well i guess when you're ready, you face these things.

i don't know how far i'll get.......but i think i'm ready to
start.
no.
strike that.

i have just begun.

trust and opening

opening your heart.
opening your heart.
opening your darn heart.

my gosh.
that's tiring.

i spose in the long run it's less tiring than
closing it.........i guess. maybe.
yeah, prolly is.

in all things??
ALL Things??

yeah.

i'm thinking tho........there's no way you can do
that without trust.

trust in some kinda process.

and that trust shouldn't be forgotten.
i don't think i've been looking at trust much.

i've seen i've had in in some places more......
but i sure see where i need it in other places more!

so, today........i think i'm gonna pay attention to the
dance between trust and opening.

i can actually visualize that......
and wow.......it sure is pretty.

feelin' helpless....

'i feel so bad tellin you one more time i'm a wreck
over here,' she said.

'it's okay. i don't mind,' i responded.

and once more we walked thru a tough conversation.
she has every right in the world to be a wreck.
one of the worst things that can happen in your life
happened in hers.

i guess there's a pretty long list of the 'worst things.'
and i guess there's no point in rating them.

when it's bad, it's bad.
when you're lost and hurt deep, it's one heck of
a challenge. sometimes the word 'challenge' doesn't
come close to what it really is.

my stuff has been baby stuff compared to hers.
and no, i'm not comparing pain.
i'm just understanding that i have no comprehension
of the pain she's really in.

and so i try to hold a space for her with my words.
i try to offer a place where she can be a wreck.
and sometimes when i hang up, i'm a wreck.
sometimes i'm pretty lost too.

what is it i can offer her?
i have no answers, no helpful suggestions.
so many lame things come outta my mouth...

i want to be enlightened, share wisdom, offer
peace......
and i end up sayin' things like 'yeah, i know,
it really sucks.'

it frustrates me. it saddens me. i wish i had
more to give.

and then i think of my heart.

i honestly believe the biggest thing i can give
is my heart.

and so i end up going back to where it all keeps
leading me........
learning how to open my heart.

i'll have moments where i'll doubt that will do anyone
any good, let alone her.......
and yet....there's this knowing inside that it's
the biggest thing i can ever give.

i know that. the knowing actually can quiet the doubts,
mostly.

and so i will pry my fingers along the edges a little
more and keep on opening the best i can......

ya mean there's more???

there we were, talkin' on the phone.
i was fillin her in on things and tellin' her that i had
managed to let go of that stuff i was strugglin' with.
i felt kinda good as i was tellin' her as it had been so
hard to get there.

then she asked me the next question.
and i realized i now had to turn to the next thing
to let go of.

my gosh.

it's not a 'just do this and it'll be fine' kinda life,
is it?
it's a constant embracing, letting go, embracing,
letting go, growing, changing, change it again kinda
thing.

one thing leads to another.
and ya know?
i'm thinking that's kinda cool.
can be tiring at times.....
but still kinda cool.

loving you...loving me

i'm not sure if anyone, including my partner,
really takes me seriously when i say that i'm
just now learning how to love.

i hear nice responses about me being a loving
person and all that kinda thing. that's really
nice to hear and the intentions are good......
but i feel like i'm not really getting my point
across.

yeah, i can be kind and loving towards people,
but REALLY learning how to love someone is
a whole different ball game.

it wasn't til i hit my forties that i could even
figure out that i didn't know a thing about love.

it took that long to get to the point where i could
see my blindness!

but i am starting to learn. the eyes are opened.

and figuring out 'self love' is totally entangled
in loving others came quickly. but how open
are my eyes to self love??

thing is.....self love, loving others........none of
it is 'just follow these five easy steps and before you
know it...ta da! you'll love yourself!'

there are so many subtleties to it. so many twists.
and many of them go right by me, and i don't even
notice that i put myself aside and show way less
than love to myself.

how many times do i give myself away at my own
detriment?

go deeper, ter.

how many times do i believe i HAVE to do that to
keep someone's love?

go deeper, ter.

how many times do i believe that i can't really be
me.......because i'm not loveable?

go deeper, ter.

do i know i'm worth loving?

right there.

is it others not loving me?
or me not loving me?

start with yourself.
you can't get anywhere til you start with
yourself.

i've done enough subtle things to try to show
myself my belief in my worthiness of love.
time to step beyond the quiet little namby pampy
actions. they're not good enough anymore.

time to say it a little louder to myself.

time to shout it out? oh my...shout???

tell me.......could you shout it out to yourself?
if not.......why?

okay, maybe i'm not ready to shout. but i am ready
to get beyond a whisper. i'm ready to speak.

one step at a time...

rumi

walkin' into my studio today,
i read the sign on my door........

it's from a rumi poem.........

'forget safety, live where you fear to live.........'

i so love that.

followin my heart...

it was when i was tryin' to find better health insurance....
(which i STILL haven't found) that i fell apart.
it hit me. i'm gonna get old. i need to think about the
future. where will i be? what will i be doin'???
and i fell apart.

i've since pulled it together.......but have a lost feeling
inside. very similar to the one i had when i started
bone sigh arts in the first place. i remember walking,
and asking.........help........lead me. guide me.......
and then i'd listen real close to my heart.

well, that's all starting up again.
and i've been buried in the worldly concerns.
business thoughts, brainstorming, ideas, anything
to shut up the fear inside of me.

and then today, my son mentioned the kid he knew
that recently killed himself. he had to get something out
about it, and needed to talk. so we did. and it brought
up a lotta stuff. he even hesitated as he knew it would.
having just lost someone else in our life to suicide, he
knew darn well it would have to dredge all that stuff up,
and he didn't want to drag me thru the emotions again.
i told him it was okay. that i was okay.
and we talked.
not long.
but long enough for me to remember.......

it is ALL about the heart.
followin' my heart.
reaching out to others.
trying to help people see they matter.

i HAVE to. i'm filled with that. i HAVE to.

and i gotta be okay with that.
because that's what my heart's tellin' me to do.

sitting and holding that, i feel less lost....more confused.
but less lost!

i guess it's time to just put it out there to the universe
and say lead me........

i guess it's another put your money where your
mouth is moment.

do you trust and believe in the path or not, terri??

gulp.

okay.
i'm in.
bring it on.

he really didn't know.....

lightbulbs, lightning bolts and shivers kinda all hit
me as i typed that last blog moments ago.

i wrote something that i didn't even realize until i
wrote it!!

my dad!
he WAS quirky. he had his issues and all that stuff.
BUT he thought thru things like no one i ever met
before. he had very clear thinking and seemed
'RIGHT' to me so much of the time.

yeah, i could see things he did badly, fear that held
him prisoner, heavy stuff.......
but still........i have always thought he was RIGHT
about the things he thought.

my gosh.

my dad 'needed some space' from me after i
got divorced. long story. too complicated and personal.
but the gist.....he basically said he still loved me, but didn't
know how to deal with me and needed to stay away
from me.

it was after four years of not seeing him that i saw
him for the first time dying after a stroke. he couldn't
talk, altho he did try. but when he tried, it wasn't to
tell me he loved me....i was irritating him!
no kidding!
it's kinda funny.....
i didn't think he could talk.
and i was teasin' him about bein' a bad patient. he was
tryin' to tear some medical contraption off of his chest.
i was teasin.
tryin' to be light.
it irritated him.
and he was gonna fire back.
he tried.
i couldn't understand his words.
but i could see the look.
i laughed. told him he was still spunky and that was
a good thing.
it wasn't long after that he sunk into a coma.

it didn't take too long for that little scene to not
feel so funny anymore.

i've been tryin' for years to know i'm okay. to
believe in myself.
i knew that i carried a lot from all that.......

but i think what i just realized is i've always thought
dad was right about everything. so he must be right
about me, right????

i don't think i ever saw it soooooo clearly as the moment
i wrote that last post.

dad knew.
didn't he????

wow.
no.
he didn't.
he really really didn't.
not his fault.
he just didn't know.

time to kinda look at that one in the face.....

and i will.
i have a goal now, dad.

salami anyone?

my dad was a quirky fella.
funny thing about him, he could always charm
me with his weirdness. i was never exactly sure
if he was weird or right most of the time.....

he was big into goals and how to achieve them.

'well, have you examined what your goal is?' echoes
in the back of my head quite often. which is usually
followed by a visual of him sitting at the kitchen table
explaining the 'salami technique' to me!! (um...for
those who don't know....it would be thinking of the goal
as one big salami and cutting it into small manageable
pieces until.....um....i forgot..........until you eat the whole
thing??? i actually forgot!!! but you get the idea!!)

one step at a time. one slice at a time.

but you can't do that til you HAVE a goal!!!

okay.
basic 101 stuff.

so how come i've got a 'situation' in my life that i
don't know how to handle and it took me til this morning
to realize I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE GOAL IS!!!??!!

how could that be???

well, as i walked and thought, it occurred to me that i
had certain goals at one point...fuzzy goals.
(oh, my dad loved to talk about those too!!)

and while the fuzzy goals got me to a point......i need
more specific goals now.

time to reframe, clean up, and focus a little closer.

i can't get anywhere with this until i know where it is i
want to get!!

again.....basic 101 stuff....

but it's got me thinking......
time to look at a lotta the salamis in my life.
not just this one situation.
time to reframe, clean up and focus a little closer.

sometimes i think that's the hardest part.....
once you know where you're goin' it's just one step
at a time.....uh....one slice at a time.

perfect food for thought for the weekend.

don't burn the evidence...bring it to the light

fasten your seat belts - my mind's about to
twist and turn all over the place!

had a dream last nite. wow. really affected me.
here's the short version interpretation/gist all at once.

three significant people from my past killed two parts
of me. one wanted ME to burn the evidence. the other
two were hiding their part, but wanted me to look the
other way.

i was all ready to do both.
you know....the nice cooperative girl.

then it occurred to me that if i did this, i was an accessory
and could go to prison for life.

ha!!
okay. is that obvious to everyone else? it is to me, but
i can never tell if the stuff in my head is making sense
to anyone else.

so i took a walk and thought about it all.
the PRISONER FOR LIFE stuff really got me.
the incredible sense of denial that i had runnin' thru the
dream was really strong also.

so, okay....you don't have to actually go to a prison to be
a prisoner for life. a lotta people know that one. sometimes
all our participation in horrible acts against us have to be
no more than denial of what's happening, acceptance of it.
burying/burning the evidence.

ohmygosh. and put this in dream form and it really hit me.

as i walked and thought, i realized this isn't about the blame
game. i can blame myself as much as i can blame other people.
how could i have accepted the things i did? how could i have
turned the blind eye???

i've been told over and over not to kick myself for that.
it's where i was. i hadn't grown enough yet.
however you want to say it.

i can turn the same thing on the people who hurt me.
it's where they were. they hadn't grown enough yet.
however you want to say it.

so it's not about blame.

not at all.
it's about honesty.
(again with the darn honesty!!)

SEEING what happened. ADMITTING what happened. and
then letting it go and moving forward. blame holds me back.
i gotta be careful with that stuff. denial imprisons me.

i in no way want to be a prisoner for life.
and that's entirely up to me.

so, okay........i read this just before i fell asleep.......am thinking
this definitely connects.

'what lies at the core of all grievance is deep pain and grief about
loss of connection. because we have never fully and consciously
grieved this hurt, it becomes coagulated in our mind and body.
what we fail to grieve turns into grievance. to extract the medicine
that can heal the poison of grievance, we need to acknowledge and
allow this grief, instead of running away from it. this means bringing
our grief about loss of connection out of the shadows into the
daylight of openness and warmth.'
(john welwood/perfect love, imperfect relationships)

woe.
this all fits together so much in my mind. can't tell if it will in anyone
else's...........but i wanted to try to put it all out there.

it actually excited me this morning to go make my life more of what
i wanted it to be......it's up to us, ya know?

a bill of goods?!

my gosh....
those childhood things we carry around....
they really really do affect us in a thousand
million different ways, don't they??

sometimes i think i have them down. know what
they are.......
but then something will surprise me.

and then sometimes i'll connect stuff for the first
time...and be totally amazed.....

there's this part of me...
a totally childlike part. it's a beautiful part.
fun and good and innocent and delightful and exuberant
and joyful.....totally playful........
and SO strong that i can't let it out......
it's 'too much' for the world.

mostly, i'm okay with that.
mostly.
but deep down there's a real sadness.
i want to let it out...
but don't know where.

i'm contemplating some outlets right now.....
but something clicked last nite as i was thinking
about it all......

i can't let that part out because the belief is
that that part of me won't be accepted, won't be
loved....will make people stop loving me.

woe.
stop right there.

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!

why would playfulness and goodness and joy and
happiness make people stop loving you???

yeah........i think i know the roots.
that's my stuff.
and i can go check it all out and work on it.
and maybe even let that part of me out.
hmmmmmmm.....

and while that should be the subject here, it's not.

the point i'm kinda hooked on is that these really
really strong feelings come from somewhere......
and that we need to work with them. cause they
stop us from being who we are.

that should be obvious.
a no brainer.

the stronger the feeling, the more reason to go look.

yeah.
and i live so many darn duh moments.
cause i haven't once stopped to really look at this.
i was just convinced i'm different, weird, wacko,
and doomed to keep all that inside.

i'm not so sure anymore.
i'm shifting to 'i've been sold a bill of goods here and
i need to throw these darn goods down somewhere
and play!'

AND! maybe just as important.....
i need to be so darn careful that i don't go stickin'
a bill of goods on other people as well.

we have such power....inwardly and outwardly....
if we could just use it wisely, what a difference it would
make........

i may just have some celebrating to do...
after a little diggin' out.....

best friends

i knew we were friends....
and i knew we shared a lot....
and as time past, i started to call him my best
friend.
i'd hear myself say that and kinda be surprised.

how could a guy be my best friend???

a lotta time has passed now. he's got a lot more titles
besides friend...but i think my favorite is 'best friend.'
i think that tickles me the most.

it's not just a dopey term.
it's not just pretty words.
he honestly is just that.

and that's what i keep thinking about tonite.

how'd we pull it off?
we're so different.
i mean SO different.

and yet he's the one i go to when i need help in figurin'
something out or facing something i don't want to.
i know he'll come my way for a thought or two himself.

my boys wandered in the room as i sat pondering this....
and i looked at them and said 'ya know, when you're in
a serious relationship, ask her to help you figure life out.
ask for her input, her thoughts, her ideas. cause then
you really build something worthwhile.'

and then i started thinking about all my friends.......
some i do it with more than others...the asking their
thoughts about stuff.

some just share and we share back and forth, and i don't
necessarily ask things.

and i'm thinking that maybe that's a mistake.
maybe i want to ask more and more.
because i do think it builds something worthwhile.
i think i want to work on that.

maybe it ties into that respect stuff a few blogs back...
maybe asking and listening is all based on respect.

respect, honesty, love....
it all ties in together, doesn't it?

and somehow i bungled into some really good stuff
in my life. and one heck of a best friend............

followin' blind......

usually when something's got hold of me, i'll take
a walk and spend some time looking at the different
parts of me and how they're affected. kinda do inventory,
get the low down, and work from there.

i never thought about it before, but it's like i'm the leader,
and i'm checkin' thru the ranks.

well......today i didn't want to be the leader.

i wanted to sit back and let my insides run the show.

hmm......i'm thinking that's prolly not a good idea.
but i just didn't care.

why should i always lead when i don't even know how?
so i sat back.
and my insides didn't run the show either.
i did feel some stirrings and some thoughts......
but i'm thinking no part of me wants to be leader today.

i thought of 'change your life week' which is just about over...
is it going to run into change your life weekS or not?
can it if there's no leader today??

and i'm thinking maybe it can.
maybe last week was gathering all the ideas and plans
and actions.......

maybe now it's head on in blind.....no leading......
just blind.

and maybe part of bein' co-pilot is just followin'.
all of me.
just followin.
blind for today.
but knowing that's okay.......

tired...

it's a bad situation you can't change....your heart will be torn apart
over and over again...the best you can do is find some coping skills....

it's a human disappointment that brings up deep wounds...you
just gotta know it's not what it feels like, let go of the past
and keep going...

it's a nightmare waiting to happen, you just gotta wait and celebrate
the good while you've got it....

three different people today, three parts of their stories today...

where in the world did i ever get the idea that life turns out beautifully???

if i could just drop that darn illusion....and know that it rarely does.
rarely rarely rarely....and just drop that illusion once and for all.

and know that the moments that are good are nuggets of gold.
and they need to be held as such.

and the rest?
it's life.

if i could just accept it's life.
and find the gold in that...........

sometimes i'm just too tired.
and i honestly wish it was just plain easier.

it's all in the moment, isn't it?

that's the secret, i think.

and this moment......i'm just plain ol' tired.