my butterfly

i usually don't do dreams here cause really.......who wants to read someone else's
dream?!! but this is so short....not really a dream.....but an image in a dream.....
really has hit me......had to share.......

it was a butterfly.
orange and red.

now picture a butterfly with it's wings mostly open.
they're not flat out. but they're open pretty wide.
okay, now attach two more sets of wings on it.
and all the wings can flutter and move together or apart.

so i looked at this butterfly and it was beautiful.
it kinda raised up it's wings in a V shape.
and then it pulled up another set of it's wings......
and the colors were like you could see thru them a bit
so that they could mix with the other colors.
and the color got even deeper and more beautiful.
and THEN it pulled up it's third set of wings.

these wings mixed their colors together and when combined,
they were so deep and so rich and so brilliantly vivid
that it took my breath away.

i gotta believe that's the parts of us.......
our wounds and pain, our heart and goodness, our different parts.

and i can move thru life with them all there but separate....
or i can move thru life with them all working together.
and when they all move together, touching each other,
next to each other, mixing...........my gosh,
the depth and the richness and the vivid hues that are created.......

i want that.

whooshhhhhhh it washed all over me.....

i've been watching where i'm going and what's goin' on inside of me.
(see post below)

compassion has been doin' some kinda weird little thing inside of me.
i can't say i totally lost it. cause i didn't.
but i can say it hasn't been like normal inside of me,
and it hasn't felt 'right.'
and a whole lot of it has gone missing.

which is odd.
i'm usually a bundle of compassion.

so things like that are unnerving.
and you wonder 'will it ever really be back???'

and then out of the blue, bam.......there it came......rollin' all thru me.
man. overwhelmed me, it came flooding in so hard.

and here's how it came to me........

a note from a friend.
she's somewhat of a mentor for me as well as a friend.
she's wise and lived her way into that wisdom.

this is a piece of a note she wrote me this morning -
i'm not sure if these are her words or she snagged it from some
link she told me about....doesn't matter....

"The trick is to live from our healing and not from our wounds.
So many people get stuck in their woundedness and make it who they are.
There is power in our wounds.
They create great compassion and a huge carrying capacity.
With practice, we can take in some of the things that others experience
and help to transform them."

and then.....moments later she sent me another note.
she had sent me my note and then saw this on facebook
and came back to share it.....

'we are not meant to stay wounded. we are supposed to move through
our tragedies and challenges and to help each other move through the
many painful episodes of our lives. by remaining stuck in the power of
our wounds, we block our own transformation. we overlook the greater
gifts inherent in our wounds - the strength to overcome them and the
lessons that we are meant to receive through them. wounds are the means
through which we enter the hearts of other people. they are meant to teach
us to become compassionate and wise.'......caroline myss

woe.
so i read both these things and realized that i had been soooooo stuck
in my wounds. soooooo stuck. and i swear, all that's been goin' on inside
of me, all of it seemed to come together....the last piece i was looking for....
and i 'got it.' it was the final kick for the growth spurt.......

i understood i had been lost in my wounds, and i understood what these
quotes were talking about. and my heart opened like it hasn't in far too long.
and i think i'm forming something really cool inside of me that needed
forming......

thanking the universe for women out there who just keep helping me grow!

growth spurts

it's a growth spurt.
i finally, finally figured that out.
can't even beat myself up for not knowing right away as spurts like this
are few and far between and i'm not used to recognizing them yet.

but i do see how they seem to start.
in pain and sadness.
and then it seems to be a long stretch of a road of closing down,
trying to come back to life, and feeling lost.

and then there's the confusion.
what on earth is going on? and how come i can't get really really steady?

and then.......then.....the sure sign of a growth spurt -
i start noticing things.
little moments that seem to be carrying messages, thoughts, ideas, reminders.

i'll notice the moment.
i'll notice the message, thought, reminder or whatever it is.

i'll look at it.

sometimes i look across the table at it.
maybe one of my sons will remind me of the magic of life.
he'll sit across the table and not even know he's doing it.
but i'll see it.
and remember.
oh yeah.
look at that.
hmmmmmm.....

sometimes i'll hear it in a conversation, read it in an email,
hear it on a message on my answering machine.

a reminder that someone has no idea they're giving me.

i'll look.
i'll notice.
i'll say hmmmmmmmm........

but i don't reach out and hold it.
yet.

and then somewhere in there i'll figure out that i'm in the middle of some sort
of process. some sort of growing and changing. and i'll understand the
importance of it, maybe even get a tad excited......but mostly not enjoy
the process a whole lot.

but what if i worked on that right now?
enjoying the process.

knowing what's goin' on....even tho i really don't know what's going on,
being good with it, and being excited as i know i'm growing in some way.
and i truly want that.

yesterday, in trying to reach out to a friend, i told her some of my stuff i was
feeling. i just typed as i thought without filtering or stopping. and what came
out was exactly what i needed to hear....

it went something like this -

"and what i'm thinking is...it is that very struggle that is what the whole deal
is about. it's not about the topic of that struggle or the ins and outs of that
topic.

it's about the struggle and the coming to believe something inside ourselves.
it's about growing who we are. i believe that's the part of the whole thing
that matters. and we don't even realize it. at least i don't...."

i get lost in the topics.
i get lost in the stuff that's the upper layer.
i wade around in sadness and discomfort...
not realizing that's what's going on is so important and something i want a ton.

i threw away all my beliefs some years back.
just threw them down on a cave floor and watched them shatter.
a few pieces came back into my hands.
a very few.

i wondered how i'd ever find any other beliefs and how i'd form them and where i'd
find them and how it all worked.

well.....i think right now........i'm in the process of finding a belief that i can hold.
i think that's what's goin' on.

and i'm realizing it means shattering habits and old thinking, breaking images and
identities that no longer work to make room for the new. nothing easy or fun,
but something i need to do that matters so much.

i'm starting to see the process that's going on.
and i gotta say.....it's kinda cool.

looking back to me.....

oh gosh,
i swear i can get so hung up in looking outside myself for answers.
you'd think after years and years and years and years and years
of trying to stop doing that, i'd stop.

once again i drag my gaze back away from others and inward to myself.

what i'm looking for is inside me.
that's where i have to look....and reach......and touch.....

one of the bone sighs keeps whispering inside me today -

'it wasn't that she found the magic -
it was that she became the magic.'

that's not just pretty words.......ya know?
i believe that's something for all of us to become.....
actually, i guess i believe we all already are......
but we forget cause we get so busy looking outside ourselves for
that very magic that we carry inside all the time.

once again i drag my gaze back away from others and inward to myself.

http://www.bonesigharts.com/store/magic

memorial day

i've been struggling with some emotions the last few days.
the easiest way to put it is i've been feeling mad at the world.
for various reasons.

i've worked with the feelings and come to a place where i'm feeling
more positive. and the anger i can see is just a control thing.
i'd just like to run the world sometimes, ya know?
but nah, i really wouldn't.

and i tell ya, memorial day fits right into it all.

i don't like memorial day.

now, don't get me wrong....i think there absolutely should be a memorial day.
and i think it should be one of our most important holidays.
i just don't like a lot of what i see take place for the day.

i was driving thinking about it.
thinking that i was just tired of death.
just tired of death and dying.
and that's just every day death.
throw in war.....and it's just overwhelming.
throw in all the casualties that happen around war -
and the list of losses goes on and on and on.
and when you REALLY think of it....when you REALLY hold it,
it's hard to stand up again. so we don't do that very often.

i've been listening to my neighbors drink and play horseshoes all weekend.
last nite they were really going. it didn't used to bother me. i used to like
hearing the clink of the horseshoes.

lately tho, there's been cops involved and things have gotten ugly at times.
so now, when i hear them rollin' as hard as they were rollin' last nite,
i wonder what kinda nite it's gonna be in the neighborhood. and i don't
like it anymore.

and i think of the weekend....and what today's about........
and i'm sure that more than one person next door has been touched by
the losses of war. i'm sure they all honor our soldiers. i'm sure they feel
very similar feelings as me about the dying.

we all honor differently, don't we? we all remember differently. we all
live differently.

and on a good day, when we're trying to figure out the positives of war,
that would be on the top of our list - freedom.
dying for freedom.
freedom to be different.

i've spent a good part of this weekend struggling with all kindsa differences
i'm feeling with the world. and of all things - feeling angry.

it's not like i never get angry. but it's not one of my default emotions. and
here it was, runnin' around inside of me.

anger.
impatience.
lack of tolerance.

ahhhhhh the stuff wars are made of.........

what interesting timing. how amazing is that?

maybe what goes on inside of us is just a microcosm of the world.
and maybe today, for my own way of honoring memorial day, i can finish
(i've already started) turning those emotions around into something positive.

because one thing i know......the world doesn't need any more anger,
impatience or lack of tolerance.

a whole whole lot of people have died for peace.

it seems like the least i could do is offer peace to my world.
and in my own way, which i need to remember doesn't need to be any one else's,
i can hold the pain of those loses, and the sorrow of those losses.......
along with the deep deep sorrow of war.

may it be a memorial day filled with a little bit more peace.......

a full day.....

how is it possible that a day none of us has time for,
with projects that are a total pain,
with expenses that are completely inconvenient,
turns into such a delight and a time i just wouldn't pass up for anything.?!

it was a truly priceless day.

and i'm learning.
i'm so learning.
there's days more ahead.
days more.
it's gonna take a chunk of time.
but i see how good this time can be.
so i'm not gonna rush it.
i'm gonna let it have its own schedule.
and let it happen as it does.

i'm learning.

cause my natural state is to have a schedule and stick to it.
to understand we have no time for it, and to get it done as
quickly as possible......

but schedules are gonna ruin this flow, the good natured working....

and so yesterday i took the schedule and tossed it away.

i'm learning.

and i see how there's trust in that tossing the schedule.
trust that there is enough time.
and all the work....house.......and business.....will get taken care of.

there's trust here.
there's treasuring the moments.
that's a nice combination.

two of my favorite moments from yesterday -

i was laying flat out on my roof, leaning over the side, painting
some trim. the guys were on the ground doing various things.
all of us near each other.

i dribbled paint by accident...mumbled 'opps.'
painted a little and said 'ya know.........'
dirbbled a little more...'ooooooops'
continued on with my thought......
which was this -

working on a project together is a great bonding thing to do.
taking time out of a regular schedule and doing something different
as a team, is a really cool thing to do. wouldn't it be fun to do a
project once a year at one of our houses? all gather and work together?

zakk was directly below me, dodging the dribbles of paint that were
falling as i shared my thought.

he looked up with a grin - 'i'm in as long as it's not my house!'

that so made me laugh.

and it brought me to a place of seeing the moment.

i felt the sun on me on that roof, looked down below at the guys,
and just felt so darn good.

later.......
we were all sitting on the edge of the roof.
they were trying to figure out something with the shingles.
it'd been a full day of working........and everyone was doin' fine.
good moods, just figuring things out. i had been inside doin' cleaning
for the pipe project. i had just come out to hang out a bit.

zakk was looking at the bag that held the shingles. reading something.
noah looked over at him, and calmly said 'there's a wasp by your knee.
just so you know.'

zakk glanced over at the wasp, said hello and went back to reading the bag.
the wasp did a loop around zakk and then flew off.

that moment right there..........i loved it.
noah looking out for zakk so he didn't move his knee and get stung,
zakk knowing that's all he had to do, just not sit on the darn wasp and it
would be fine.......so he just said hello and went back to what he was doing........

that moment.
the calmness.
the peace.

i sat there between them, with the evening coming up around us,
thinking how totally cool this whole day had been.

today business is calling all of us...
there will only be so much house project time.
and perhaps that's perfect.

watching the moments over here.....
and treasuring them........

our last hurrah......probably.......

i've been worried about the outside of my studio for years.
it's rotting.

sigh.

finally committed to fixing one of the three walls.

one wall, ter.
that's the way to to do it.
you'll learn how to do it,
it won't be overwhelming,
and you'll be able to pay for it.

one wall.

you can do another in the fall,
and the last one next spring.

okay.....i got excited.
we went out and went over how to fix it.
what to do.

got it.
i'm in.
this isn't so bad.

went down and got the materials.
i pushed one of the big ol' clunky carts around
stacked with wood and even a window.
and the excitement grew.

felt empowered.
taking care of what i needed to take care of.
yes!
this is good!

oh yeah....but there's that washer pipe we have to check out.
it's been backed up since january.
shouldn't be a big deal....
we've done this before.
dig at the pipe, check where the roots are, get rid of them,
replace what we needed to and viola!

uh oh.

gotta replace stuff UNDER the porch.

suddenly there's talk of cutting the porch.
huh?

oh no.

did i say empowered?
that went down the drain.
so to speak.

well....we can bust thru here.......or bust thru the house here.....

oh lord.

and you know.....where that wall is rotting?
it's cause of this right here.

you're gonna have to replace the porch roof.

flop.

that's me passed out on the lawn.

empowered?

that changed to freaked out.

but it's changed again....and again.....and again.....

freaked out went to stressed but focused.

stressed but focused went to less stressed.

less stressed went to 'ya know, this is gonna be good.'

this is gonna be good went to pushing the cart around
lowes yet again, picking out the lumber like a champ....
loading it up in the rain.....and laughing.

and this morning i've been thinking about how it's my last hurrah
with my fellas. they'll be moving out this summer,
and our dynamics with this stuff will change.
and i thought of the last ten years or so and all we've accomplished
together....the list is long and impressive.....and full of cherished memories.

and here we are again......tacklin one heck of a mess.....
and i can't believe it.....
but i'm totally grateful for this chance to tackle it with them.

and when it's over, i think they're ready to leave.

there's no way on earth i'm not gonna cherish this next week of
digging, and cutting, and hammering, and workin' with my boys.

and i'm gonna learn all i can so i won't feel so vulnerable when they're gone.

what a crazy mess.
and something my boys have taught me....
just take it one step at a time, figure it out as you go along,
and take care of what you need to......and whatever you do -
don't forget to mix in the teasing and the laughter......

pass me the roofin' nails please.......

an email thought

funny all the different topics that come thru my email box......
i should prolly start doin' a blog on an email topic i get every day!
there's so many good ones.

this morning i was just talking with someone about offering their creations to the world.
and i really got goin'. it's a topic that means a lot to me.

i have learned so much thru this crazy walk with bone sighs.
i truly didn't start it to learn anything, to grow, or to offer myself.
i started it to try to make some money to raise my kids.
that was it. nothing more.

ha!
what i've gotten out of it all is so life altering i'll never ever be the same.

and one of the gifts i've been given is watching what happens when you
offer your heart.

it's not just my heart.
i believe it's the same for every single one of us.
cause that's another thing i've gotten out of this ride - our hearts are all the same.
all the outside stuff is different, all the stories, all the baggage, all the stuff.......
that's all got its own flavors.

but our hearts.......those are the same.

and when we truly offer them, there's some magic in it.

i'm not sure how to break it down so i can figure out the magic exactly.
not sure i'll ever know.
i guess that's why it's magic.
it's there, but unexplainable.

but when we offer our hearts, another person can hear, can open, can be moved.
another heart can feel courage and be inspired to open their own hearts. and then
there's this amazing flow because of that. magic happens.

and then! throw in some of the stories we have! ohmygosh......i have seen some
truly courageous women come thru bone sighs who have gut wrenching stories
and who carry shame and so many deep wounds.....and STILL offer their hearts
out to the world. i've seen it in their art, their blogs, their notes.

and i know that there are no words for what that gives other people who have
been thru similar horrors and now don't feel so alone.

and maybe.....maybe......the most important part of the whole deal is just
offering your heart to let someone else hold it in their hands.

and yeah.....that's prolly the scariest part of it all.....
but i think that right there is where the magic is born.

i don't think i would have believed all this stuff if it wasn't for bone sighs.
but i'm a believer now.
a big believer.
and always always want to encourage people to go for it.......
cause the world needs the light.
your light.
the world so so needs that.

one of those holy days....

i keep noticing the word 'listen'.....
and i keep thinking 'yeah, i want to listen better.'
cause that is such an awesome thing to do.

and i never even thought of putting that on myself.

until after i did it.

and then i realized - it's a great idea!

yesterday was my 'be gentle with yourself' day.
and i guess thru that i figured out that really listening
is part of being gentle.

go figure.
i never really put that together.
but i think it might really be true.
that's kinda a cool thought, isn't it?
maybe it's obvious to everyone else.
i just never thought about it before.

so instead of guzzling coffee and whipping myself to do more,
i drank a lotta water, had some tea for the pick me ups,
and paid attention to what was goin' on inside of me.

i ended up listening far better than i usually do.
and i got all my work done at the same time!

there were some pretty incredible moments thru this day of
paying attention and listening.

and i guess when you're trying to do that something you're
not trying to do is 'control.' and maybe that's what opens
the door to magic.

someone shared his heart with me in his writing.
i put my feet up on my desk, leaned back, and read.
i realized i was holding his heart.
i paid attention and just felt that.
it felt holy to me.
and i didn't want to do anything other than watch and feel.

later there was some correspondence about my friend who
recently died and how her son was doing.
stuff that makes my heart break.
stuff that makes me crazy and want to do something.
but i didn't go there.

i turned on the music that to me is music to let your heart break open,
turned it up loud, and filled orders while i let my heart just crack in two.

i didn't try to stop it. i didn't try to control it. i just listened to it.

and then a girlfriend sent me a gift that reminded me i wasn't alone,
and that i was loved.

i cried and again........just  listened to the echoes inside of me and
what parts of me were responding to the different parts of the gift.
i could see so much by just listening.

looking back on the day, it feels like a holy day.
it feels like those moments i just described were moments where there
was more than me.

the thing about all those moments.........there was some pretty deep
sadness in all of them......but that was okay.

it was part of the dance.
and it all just was.
in a really cool way.

being gentle

i had a few really gentle moments yesterday.

a few moments where i consciously watched myself offer gentleness,
and where i saw it wash over the other person.

and i saw it make a difference.

sometimes i am so moved when i actually watch my own actions
affect another person.

i mean, obviously, it happens all the time.
many times not in a good way....
i know that.

but usually i'm pretty wrapped up in whatever's going on and don't
see it quite as clearly as i did yesterday.

our actions totally affect those around us.
we all know it.

how often do we live like we know it?

(that's a good question.......maybe we should read it again......)

how often do we live like we know it?

and then what about our actions to ourselves?

i am beat this morning.

not a good way to start a week.

yesterday evening/nite i had to work.
and i was so tired i just didn't know how i'd get done what i had
to get done.

so i did the ol' caffeine deal.
even tho i've sworn off caffeine after a certain hour........

i had to get this work done.
i was so tired.
i told myself i was so tired i'd have no trouble falling asleep.

yeah, right.
i swear, i feel like i was awake all nite.

as i walked this morning i thought about the gentleness deal i did
with others that very same day.

when it came to me tho, i slammed myself thru.
i wasn't gentle at all.

i feel a bit like a train hit me this morning.

and i want to watch that.
i've got a ton of work to do today....
but i'm gonna try a different approach......
a more gentle one with myself.
a more caring one.

doesn't mean i won't do what i gotta do.
it means i'll pay attention to myself.
see what i need. work with me.
listen and respond.
gently.

and i'm not making this up - just THINKING about that
and being aware of that has brought me some sense of relief.

it's like there's some part inside of me that's been saying
'hey! over here! me too! can you be gentle over here too?!'

and it's like our eyes met, i heard, nodded and smiled.

and that part smiled back.

should be an interesting day.........

we have such power with our actions towards others.....
and i'm starting to see a little bit more of how much that
goes for ourselves as well......

yet another bday celebration

no, i'm not done with the birthday stuff.........
yesterday was the official celebrating day for me with all my guys...
not just my sons.....well, most all my guys.....
so it was me and five of my men.

and i chose to go downtown.

several of the guys hadn't met the einstein statue yet.
a must in this group.
and i really wanted to see a few paintings that were visiting for
the summer.......

so off we went.

all in one vehicle, which in itself was super fun!
the family banter is really apparent while driving together.
what's really cool is there's different kinda banter between
different people...there's brother to brother banter, father
to son banter, brother to step brother, mother to son,
partner to partner......all that stuff.

and each dynamic holds it's own flavor of teasing and laughter.

i love to watch them all.

wandering an art gallery with this group is an experience like no other.
'i don't get it.' 'don't sneeze on the rembrandt.' 'is this an original?'
at times it leaves me speechless........always leaves me with a smile.

just the parking in itself was an event. the broken meters, josh calling
the numbers on the meters for help, the pounding of meters and trying to dig
stuck coins out, the conversations between meter people while quarter sharing...

watching the guys climb up on einstein to say hello and get a picture.
seein' one climb up on his shoulders, see another grab his nose...
knowing that this kinda thing was precious....

the search for caffeine when the energy was getting low.....
ohmygosh.....that was an event all by itself.

it was a good fun day.

but the ending.........that was the part that took my breath away.

sitting around my living room, after eating a dinner the guys made...
just chatting....and then someone bringing up something they wanted
input on.

it started out slow.
looks of confusion.
people unsure of what was being asked.
we were all tired by then.
i hopped in to get it goin'. just rambled off a few thoughts.....
and then.....this magical thing happened.

the quiet one spoke. gave a thought.
i looked at him, tickled.
and that thought got another rolling.
which got another rolling.
and suddenly there was this taking of a thought, tossing it around the group,
building off of each other.......with everyone thinking and figuring and
adding...

i watched.
delighted.

i watched the group dynamics.
it was happening because of the dynamics.
it was happening because of the respect we all shared for each other.
it was happening because there was trust.
there was interest.
i saw the light bulbs go on for each of us.
i saw a topic build and get deeper and clearer and more workable.
i saw input grow on input.
people's thoughts being valued which grew more thoughts.
it went on and on.
it seemed like a long time.
maybe it wasn't that long, but i was pretty beat by then,
it seemed a long time.
but i was loving it.
i was loving watching what was going on.

for me, it was pure magic to watch.

for a mom,  the homeschooler, a partner, a family member,
it was the goal of all the relationship work i'd done over the years.....
it was the prize. it's what came from all that other stuff you did......
it's what the work was for.

and i knew it.

and there it was.......all around me.

one heck of yet another birthday celebration.......
and one heck of a feeling of gratitude over here......

the first tidbit of many

okay, you knew it wouldn't be long before i was sharing stuff from
this book i just discovered....

here's the first dose -

'I have come to believe that we can only discover the capacity
and meaning of our courage in the context of our struggles, in
how we face and inhabit the challenges life presents to us. In this,
courage is an applied art of spirit. It is not something we can
manipulate, but only live into. Recovering the Source and living
it out in the world, alone and together, is a lifelong devotion.
One that we must, ultimately, inhabit alone, but one which we
must enliven together.'

that's from 'facing the lion, being the lion' by mark nepo.

i love every little bit about that paragraph -
every little bit.

the 'courage is an applied art of spirit' actually makes me tear up.

and the 'recovering the source and living it out in the world'
makes me gasp. what an incredible way to phrase it.

stop stuffing, ms. ter.......

as i walked on this beautiful spring morning,
i thought about growing into wisdom.

it's something i'd like to do as i get older.
and the thought occurred to me that it doesn't come easy
or quickly. and that all these moments are moments to strive towards it.

i mean, i knew that.
but it just felt like that's what i was sposed to be workin' on right now.

i thought of some of the moments i've had this year and some of the ways
i seem to deal with them.

i'm spatially challenged.
i can't figure out if something can fit into something else just by looking.
i have to actually try it out for real.
this can be pretty comical at times.

like the time i bought a long coffee table and two end tables at a thrift store,
carried them out to my tercel, looking at that little car as i walked towards it.
it wasn't til i had the doors open trying to smash that table into it that i thought
uh oh.
i spent a lotta time twisting and turning and stuffing those things in.
thankfully, that time it worked.
not easily.
and rather funny if you were looking on.
but it did work.

i think i try to do that with life a lot.

i try to stuff it into a container.

and sometimes like bread dough, it oozes out a side.
or like a coffee table, it smashes a window and will not fit.

life is just not gonna slide into a container and fit.

and i think of all the time and energy i have spent on trying to make it do that.

and a little interesting side note about the furniture in the tercel story -
a really nice guy came by me in the parking lot offering to help me.
'oh, no' i smiled. 'i got it. no problem.'
jeesh.
of course there was a problem.
it wouldn't fit!
but i smile and say i got it. don't need help. not a problem.

that makes me laugh because yeah......i do that with life too.

a breeze blew over me as i walked. i closed my eyes and just felt it.
sometimes in little moments like that i can feel the wisdom around me.
i can feel it. i just can't seem to access it.

but when i opened my eyes after it flew by me, it had left a word inside of me.

'allow'

true to my nature, i had to question it.
you sure it's not 'acceptance'??
and i laugh as i type that.
yes, i have a long way to go to get to this allow stuff....
i can't even allow the word to land on me without questioning it!

but i felt it.
and i knew that's the concept i need to just watch and hold and strive for.

the allowing of life to be life.
of not having to stuff it in a container and make it fit.
of allowing the fluidity and knowing that is what life is.

it's not my natural default spot for sure.
and maybe that's the stuff of wisdom.......stepping into the stuff
outside of that default spot and living from there.

felt just right

today's quote....

seemed perfect for my birthday!

kai's blessing

“may you know the fire within you. may you never doubt your connection to it. may you learn the balance of holding it close and giving it freely. and may you dance with the light that you shine.”

happy birthday!

it's my birthday!
it's my birthday!

i love birthdays!! oh yes!

but what to say in a birthday blog?
i mean, really?!!

and then without even knowing it, friends handed me the two things i want to share.

in response to my 'how did we get so old??' question i casually threw out there
in an email, i got back - 'We got this old by being very very lucky.'

okay....powerful all by itself.

but then throw in that this is a note from a man i met because i was friends
with his wife.

i got to know him thru her passing away last year.

puts way extra power in that answer.
and yeah, made me wish i hadn't asked it of him. yeah. i know.
but also made me grateful for the answer.

hit me smack in the face and i know that's what i'll be carrying around all day.

i am very very lucky.
no complaints about my age outta me!!

and then.......a friend was curious about how i actually get these crazies
around me to participate in birthday MONTH. i mean, really??? how come
that works?!

and in her questioning that, i saw just how incredibly lucky i am.
my guy actually treasures my playful side and wants me to live that more.
he eggs me on.

as a matter of fact, i was a bit more subdued this year due to the losses
and such and was thinking of skipping birthday month. he encouraged
me to go for it.

he not only joins in, he eggs me on - because he knows play is vital to me.
that in itself is amazing to me.

my sons hop on the train cause they're comfortable with the fun
and don't hesitate to show me they care. there's some pretty deep strands
of love between us and it is really apparent thru out this zany birthday month
stuff.

those are gifts that are beyond words.

and today i'm holding it all...........
and celebrating these gifts of life and love that i'm lucky enough to be
dancing with today.

it's not something we all get.
and i know that.
and i'm so so so so grateful.

happy birthday!

christa's blog

i read this over on christa's blog and fell back in my chair.......

ohhhhhhh guess i won't put it here.
guess i'll put a link to christa's blog!

so if you haven't been over there, you can wander around.......

the daily quote

this was the bone sigh quote today.....
wanted to share.....

it was a perfect reminder for me today -

shifting dreams

“the dreams had shifted. she saw this and knew. the knowing was so deep it felt holy. and she remembered the wise one inside of her. closing her eyes, she remembered she wasn't alone.”

it's raining, it's pouring!

it was pouring so hard it woke me up.
several times.
the first time i thought of leaks in the roof and really hoped
there weren't any.
the second time i figured it'd be a good morning to skip the walk
and just do the treadmill.
and the third time i knew it was time to get up and i just lay there
and listened deciding that was the best way to start the day.

there's nothing like that sound.

as i made my bed and listened to it just pouring,
i could feel the tug.

i smiled.
ahhhh i'm not THAT old yet.
cause i DO want to get out in it.

i could feel that tug tugging harder.
'faster.' it whispered.
'hurry up.'
'you don't want to miss this, hurry!'

the same tug i had as a kid.
it's still there.

and so i scooted out.

it wasn't pouring hard....but it wasn't just spitting either.
it was raining.
a decent amount.

i knew this was a walk to my 'goodmorningworld' spot morning.
i thought of all the safety factors, figured any thugs would be tucked inside,
and decided i needed to go.

as i walked i could feel myself opening up.
i was trying to feel what exactly was happening.

it was like i was cracking open sorta.
i could feel the wind come by and i just cracked wide open so it could
blow right thru me.

and i felt it do that.
and that's when it started.

i lost myself in the rain.

i couldn't tell where my soul left off and the sky started.
i couldn't tell what were my tears and what were the sky's tears.
and when i figured that out, i cried all the harder.
and then i realized my tears were a little bit warmer.

by now i was fully under the trees up at the top of the street.
and the rain was pounding down on the leaves all around me.
and the sound.......oh the sound.
it drowned out my heartbeat and became what filled me.

it was so loud and so alive.

my feet were soaked. i had given up staying out of the puddles
and just walked thru the streams of water that were everywhere.

i could feel the water in my shoes.
feel my wet feet just soakin' in the glorious feeling of the chilly water.

i lost myself in that rain.

and as i came back down the street, out of the woods,
everything was so much quieter.

i grinned.
'it's like i'm coming down from the mountain after a spiritual experience.'

i had to laugh at that thought.
this is definitely a suburban take on that.....but there was something of it
truly happening inside me.

it was the least alone i've felt in ages.
i could touch my depths and remember.
i was part of something else.
and it was deep inside me.....part of me.

'the other doesn't matter' kinda echoed inside me.
release it. release them.
and just be.

i walked in my front door.
zakk was in the living room.
he looked at my soaked self and asked how it was out there.

dripping, i smiled and said 'i wish it was wetter, but it was great.'

and i laughed at myself.

um.
yeah.
i guess it was wet enough.

it sure was deep enough and loud enough and gentle enough
and soothing enough.

i hope i never lose the tug to go out in the rain.
cause my soul seems to really need to get cleansed that way sometimes.

lettin' it be..........

i've heard of a lotta women with this issue.
not sure if that makes it a woman's issue, or if that just means i talk
to more women than men...
but i'm inclined to think it's a woman's issue.

this deal where we have to take care of everyone.
sounds womany, doesn't it?

and i thought it kinda tied into mother's day and was timely.
cause it's kinda like the feeling where you have to mother everyone.

i was thinking about it this morning, thinking that i felt like i needed
to 'fix' things for people.

and my nose wrinkled at that.
cause that's a guy thing, right?
tell a guy your problem and he has to fix it.

and i realized that wasn't it.
it's not that i want to 'fix' the situation.
it's that i want to 'comfort' the feelings being experienced,
or actively respond to the feelings.

especially, especially when they're directed at me in some way.

so i thought about that.

and i thought about how i am capable of doing back flips to make things
smoother. and when i choose not to, because intellectually i understand
that it's not healthy for me to do that, i get really uncomfortable. i want
to mold the world into a smooth, happy place.

ohmygosh.
that's not a plan that is likely to work.

so i walked this morning and thought about that.
i thought about some of the stuff i was squirming over that started the
thoughts in the first place.

could it be, ter, that this is just the way it is.
that it's not gonna be smooth and happy there.
and over here? nah, it's gonna be kinda not so great.
and that's okay.

cause that's really how life is sometimes.

you don't have to make it something it's not.

and i swear, my whole being relaxed with that thought.
i could feel the tension in my body just release.

i think there's two huge huge parts to that thought........
it's not up to me to make the world a smooth happy place.

that's big if you somehow walk around carrying that.

and the other part....it's about allowing life to be what it is.
not always happy.
and definitely not always smooth.

it's about letting life be life.
and being okay with that.

i don't have this down at all.
i just had the thought this morning.
i think i have a long way to go to really live it fully.
but the thing is......this is the stuff of being a wise old crone.
this is the stuff i want to shoot for.

some of this stuff seems so darn simple.
but i tell ya, my whole body can buck the simple and work
real hard against the flow.

i felt it relax this morning and i knew i had to work with this a whole lot more.

deeply grateful

it was bothering me a little bit.
and since we were sitting around anyway,
i went ahead and brought it up.

i looked around the kitchen table at them all,
told them i had it figured out what i'd do, so that's not what i'm looking for.
i just want to talk about it cause i'm feelin' weird.

and so we launched into it.

turns out i didn't have it figured out at all,
i completely changed my first thoughts on it,
and i needed much more than just sharing it.

they helped me a ton.

so, okay. big deal.
not much of an exciting story.

thing is.....
it was my sons and my guy.
who were just sitting around the kitchen catchin' up about the day.
no one was talkin' anything serious.

and there they were.........all stopped and listened.
all gave me sincere input.
all offered their understanding of my discomfort.

i felt seen, heard, understood, supported, helped and loved.
by every single one of 'em.

i wanted their input.
i wanted their thoughts.

i value that.

i honestly value the input from these guys more than any other input
on the planet.

on this mother's day morning, i couldn't think of a better post.

to be sitting with my grown sons because we all want to be together,
to be asking for their thoughts because i value their thoughts,
to feel seen and heard and loved,
to be grateful for their help,
to be grateful for their presence......

seems like a big deal of a story to me. like a way big deal.

and the feeling inside of me right now feels like a living prayer.
and that's what i wanted to offer today.

and the laughter returns...

i found it!
i found it!
that laughter that has been missing for over a month.

oh, there's been moments it's popped its head back in...
there have been  flashes...

but last nite i felt like it had returned for real.

i hurt my side recently.
i guess from all the coughing i've been doin'.
i have no idea.
but sometimes it hurts enough i have to kinda hold it so
it doesn't feel like it'll rip in half.

last nite, before we even got goin' on our adventure out,
noah said the one liner of the year. and i fell back on the couch
laughing so hard i had to hold my side.

i kept pointing at noah, not being able to breathe, holding my side,
and rolling around the couch.

welcome back laughter.

and then my sons and i hopped in the car to go to my other son's gig.

it was a tiny little home-town kinda thing.
comfortable and easy.

and everything that could go wrong for josh was going wrong.
but not in a break your heart kinda way.
oh  no.
in a 'i'm gonna have to hold my side again if this keeps up' kinda way.

josh was handling it all like a champ and making things more fun as
he went along.

i leaned over and laughed about something in zakk's ear at one point,
and he flashed the best grin back. he was enjoying the goofiness as well.

afterwards, when we were all home chatting about the gig,
josh said 'i never heard you laugh so hard at a show!'

and then noah did it again - cracked one of his famous one liners
and i grabbed my side and started laughing all over again.

and then he started laughing, apologizing cause he knew it was hurting me,
but still claiming it was hysterical to watch.

i swear, i haven't felt that feeling of happiness like that in over a month.

and something i've been watching in myself the past few days -
when something valuable shows up in one part of your life, and it's not
in every part...you can really really see the treasure that it is.

i've been watching my treasures.
where they are. when they show up.
how they fill my life.
and what it's like in the parts without them.

i think because they're not there constantly, and i'm aware of when they're
lacking....it helped me see.
and it helped me find that deep gratitude.

maybe that opened the space for the laughter....
i have no idea.......

but i know it came back last nite.

welcome home, laughter.
welcome home.

quite a list

i was recently gifted a buncha books.
i never got so many treasures at once.
it's been quite a thrill.

i've been trying to share them here and there and not be
a book hog. but....i gotta say, i've been a big ol' hog.
i feel like a kid at ten christmases!

so last nite i went to the book shelf wondering which treasure
i should check out. grabbing 'facing the lion, being the lion'
by mark nepo, i snuggled in.

i didn't start at the beginning, i just flipped it open.
oh wow.

it was awesome.
'i gotta put this in the blog.' i thought.
thing is...i'd have to type out an entire page....

still, it's worth it, i thought.
and then i flipped somewhere else.

if i wasn't already flat on my back in bed,
i woulda fallen flat on my back.

oh wow.

no, i gotta put THIS in the blog.
problem was, i'd have to type out TWO pages.

still....it's worth it.

now i was rollin'. this book grabbed me.
everywhere i turned.
'who is this guy? he's awesome.' i thought as i read thru.
i wondered what he was like. cool stuff.

and then i bumped into this.
and THIS is what i decided to share......

one, because i loved it and wanted to share it with my sons.
and two, cause it's from cicero.
now, i  knew cicero was one of the old guys....but he had
his dates in the book. i read them and shook my head.
106-43 b.c.

that really is one of the old guys.

and i just couldn't get over how we haven't changed.......

and i thought this was something everyone could use no matter
where you are in life -

"six mistakes of man"

'The illusion that personal gain is made up of crushing others;
The tendency to worry about things that cannot be change or corrected:
Insisting that a thing is impossible because we cannot accomplish it:
Refusing to set aside trivial preferences;
Neglecting development and refinement of the mind,
and not acquiring the habit of reading and study;
And attempting to compel others to believe and live as we do.'

that's quite a list.

something to remember.
maybe something to print out on my arm.

so, okay, maybe i'm not real big into the crushing of others...
but man, the rest of it all totally speaks to me.......

and i have yet to meet a person who couldn't benefit from this list.
i've met quite a few who think they don't need it, that they already do this.
if you're nodding and think that's you.....
well, that's prolly a pretty good sign it's not.

just sayin'.

hey you!

i'm one lucky little duck.

and i'm gonna hold on to that and remember that.
at least for a little bit.

til i forget and need reminding again.

and then, somehow, the reminders come trickling back in.
or maybe flooding back in as they have been lately for me.

reminder after reminder has been coming in sayin' 'hey! you!
forgetful one! you over there! yeah, you! you're filled with
strength and beauty and love. yeah. you! hold that. dance with that.
and carry that with you.'

that's a pretty awesome thing.

being filled with strength and beauty and love......

thanking everyone who helped me remember.....
everyone and that special flow of the life that somehow helped
it flow right to me when i needed it.

anyone else out there need that reminder?!

i've been getting it a lot.....
figure maybe i can share it with you.
cause.....hey......YOU!....yeah......YOU!

you are filled with strength and beauty and love.

you are too.
yeah.

how cool is that?!

super sonic green and somber gray

as i walked this morning, i was looking down and just lost in thought, i guess.
when all of a sudden, i realized i was looking at some strikingly vibrant green colors
in the weeds i was walking by.

woe.
those things are super sonic green!

i started looking at all the green around me.
the color was just buzzin' with energy everywhere i looked.

and then - i looked up at the sky.

gray as gray could be.

hmmmmmm........

you got this buzzy vibrant super sonic life force color just burstin' shouting out
that it's alive and wants to live....and you got this gray somber sky whispering
of the difficulties of that living.

wow.

i was just so taken with the contrast.

talk about what life feels like sometimes.........
and then as i continued to walk, the humid air kinda took hold of me.
it started to feel pretty darn sticky and oppressive.

this is so cool, i thought.
it's like i'm walking around in a whole big ol' model of what emotions are like.

and the things change just like our emotions do.

i thought of the sky and how it'd change from gray to blue and how the green would
change from super sonic to deeper green to lighter green. the blue sky would change
to black and back to blue and throw in a purple or a pink or an orange and the green
might change brown.

and yeah, the colors all really did go thru my head.

the air would change to crisp and invigorating to dry and still and way oppressive
to light and breezy.

and yeah, i really did run thru all this in my head.

and i thought of my emotions. our emotions.
and some things my friends are going thru right now.
some things i am going thru right now.
i ran thru some of the emotions i had witnessed this week around me and in me.

i felt the sticky sweat and looked at the vibrant green........

what an amazing mix living is.

and each day things change. each day we change.
if we're wondering if we'll ever feel good again, look out the window......
and remember......life is constantly changing.
mixing the super sonic with the somber.......
swirling it all around for us and daring us to take a ride.

yesterday's follow up

ha!
had to share........
if you read yesterday's blog about me making up a new happier more fun story
in my head about someone who i haven't been feelin' good about......

well! i saw results in less than 24 hours!

ha!

when i delightedly told my guy about this, i could hear the ol' skepticism
coming out as he asked my why i thought i just had the best interaction
with this person i've had in ages.

and my answer that just tumbled outta me, tickled me -

i have no idea why it happened.
i just know it happened when i tried this fun positive thing.
if i start trying to put a reason i understand on it, it turns trite,
and ends up messing me up. so i'm going to work on not putting
answers on things and just doing things as they feel right to do.

ohmygosh........did i say that?!

it just tumbled out.

i could feel the grin on his face right thru the phone.

and i could feel the grin on my face right to my heart.

it was awesome cool, i have no idea what happened except that i
changed something from a negative to a positive inside myself.

seems like a plan worth trying a bit.......

if i'm makin it up anyway...

i had a fun thought yesterday -

it was pretty much this - if i'm gonna make up stories in my head,
why don't i make them into good ones?!

yeah.
that was it.

it came about this way.
there's someone who's just on the edges of my life who i don't think likes me.
so every interaction or non-interaction between us, in my head, gets read
thru the lenses of she doesn't like me.

and that fuels ick.
cause then i get defensive or negative or just icky.

so yesterday it occurred to me.....
i'm makin' it all up anyway.
i don't know a thing.
i've never talked to her about it, never asked her about it.
i just get the feeling.

so what if i operated on a completely different story line.
that she likes me just fine.
if she turns her head and doesn't talk to me and walks away,
why don't i go with something like 'oh, man, she was so busy,
she couldn't talk to me and i know she feels terrible cause she
loves to talk with me. i'll send her some love cause she missed out
on us sharing and i'll be sure to smile and be warm and friendly
next time i see her.'

i just laughed out loud when i thought of it.

cause, yeah, i know it's not true.

but the thing is, all the other stuff i make up isn't true either.

so what the heck.

and it's a safe enough place i can try it. it's far enough away, it doesn't
matter, and close enough that i can experiment with it and see what
happens.

if nothing else, it's the first time i've had a genuine good positive laugh
with her in a thought probably ever.

worth a shot.....

oh yeah.....

the thought isn't new.
but i so needed it to pop back in.
i had forgotten it.

i really need a reminder book i can read every morning/nite to keep me straight...

this morning's thought is this -

be clear about  your intentions, follow thru on them, and leave it at that.

oh so simple.

and like most things simple, i forget them and complicate them and drive
myself crazy.

i think the last thing in a series of things just happened on my walk.
so i finally got tipped into remembering.

ohhhhhhhh yeah.

 i guess i need to start with the intention part.
be clear on your intention.
that part.

i think, for me, the intentions that are healthiest are when i'm not looking
for something back. those are intentions i can really work with.

so i want to watch that part.

so if i want to reach out and be nice to show someone i care, or something
like that....i need to know i'm doing that because i want to. not because i need
something in return.

so whatever i get back.....anything from no response, to a great response to
a totally negative response......that's not what i'm doing it for.

now, i guess you gotta kinda gauge what's goin' on from those responses. but when
you're doin' it from a place of not needing anything in particular, it's way cool
and you can see so much better.

what's funny to me is i was consciously doing this in some areas of my life.
totally aware of that thought process. asked myself why i was doing something,
saw i needed nothing back, and followed thru.

so i DID remember.

ahhhhhhhhh but that was a place where i had very little attachment.

attachment.

hmmmmm.....

that's a big zen no-no word. you don't want to be attached.
and yeah, i can see why.
the places i forgot, i was attached.
attached to different things.....sometimes to wanting something from the people,
sometimes to how i'm being seen, sometimes to being affirmed, attached to some outcome.

and you know.....it sucked every single time i was attached.

i figure this many moments like that in a row is probably a good time to get the lesson.

and it's such a relief of a thought.

release the attachment.
do what you're doing for your own reasons.
follow thru.
and let it go.

i'm gonna set to work on that right away today.
think it can be really helpful........

it's time to play!

speaking of inner children!
(see post below)

my power company is having a scavenger hunt!
oh yes!

when i got the notice, i printed out the details.
pages of them.
and i went to the guys!

'you get to go to all kindsa parks AND you get to find out about the
history of the power company in the process!'

'it's a win win!' i exclaimed laughing!

what it is tho, is an excuse for me to play.
and i have not played in over a month.

it's time.

play.
it's essential.

i think we forget.
or we don't really know.

i know.
i just couldn't yet.
but now i can.

i have the whole month of may.
how perfect....birthday month is also scavenger hunt month!

it's time to play!

oh.

of course i want him to see me and know me and understand me.
of course i do. i mean, that's the POINT!
but when he sees me and knows me and understands me more than i do sometimes,
well that freaks me out just a little.
and i squirm.

and when he knows things already that i only just discover,
that frustrates me.

either he could tell me, or i could stop being so thick and slow!

i was trying to tell him about the inner child thoughts i had been having.
how i think the 'little terri' part is way more involved in my days than i know.

he agreed. but in that way of agreeing like he already knew.
which of course i knew he couldn't.
so i challenged him.

and that's when he said that if i was totally secure in everything in my life,
little terri would be running around all the time. she would be the main part
that you saw.

'it's your insecurities that bring out the adult terri.' he said.

woe.

hmmmmmmmm.

oh.

i have been thinking about that ever since.

i talked to one of my sons about it all, mentioning i need another term besides
'your inner child' as a lotta people just don't relate to that phrase, it's too woo woo,
or they just don't feel like they have one.

and whatever i'm talking about, i think everyone has one.

so maybe it's the part of you that comes out when you're feeling totally secure.

your true self?

would that work?

not sure really. don't think so.
wish i could come up with it.....

but whatever phrase it is.....maybe the phrase should just be 'the part of you that comes
out when you're feeling totally secure'...that part.....

don't you love that part???

don't you want to be with that part a whole lot more???

i do.

now, what the heck do i do?

white trees

it was a year (or two??) ago that i wrote 'her white tree.'

i posted the story here because it was based on such a powerful and exciting
visual for myself.

the idea was that we all had a white tree inside of us.
we had started with it.
and it got hurt along the way.
and even if there was little more than something barely visible under the ashes,
we could still grow it into the beautiful tree we had started with.

the quote that came from the visual is this -

her white tree

a tree of life.

a tree of knowledge.

a tree of soul.

a tree of goodness.

a tree of her.

it was her core.

burnt.

scarred.

hacked.

cut.

chopped

and carved in.

it was still there.

It was still there!

pushing the ashes out of the way,

making room for sunlight

and water -

she nurtured it back to fullness,

she nurtured it back to life.

and she and her tree

held the sky and its moon

and together, they danced

and together, they grew.

the other day, the quote of the day came up.

it was the quote i had written for my holiday card last year.

i smiled.

it seemed like the companion piece to 'her white tree.'

and it's been on my mind ever since.

white in the dark

a white tree sparkled in the darkness,

having grown into its own beauty.

reaching for the stars,

yet somehow already filled with them,

its branches echoed with the song of the holy.

both these quotes have been on my mind the last few days.

rather than put my own ramblings out here,

i thought i'd put the quotes and maybe get you off on your own ramblings.

we have so much inside of us.

i hope you can see some of that beauty inside you today.

joy and our inner child

in trying to articulate my joy to someone, i think i bumped into something.

as i walked this morning i thought about it.

i don't know any other way to explain how i work besides sayin' there's two parts in me.
the kid part and the adult part. the kid part just pops in and out. you can always tell when
she's there tho. she pops in more often when i'm comfortable with those around me.

so.....let me just start with an example.
say you got a new car.
and i walked up and saw it.
if i'm comfortable with you, the kid part will pop in and be all excited and joyful over your car.

if for some reason your reactions kinda squash the joy....
like you get a serious face and say 'terri, it's just a car.'
well the kid part will leave.
if she's really comfortable with you, she might counter it -
'JUST a car?! why it's a GREEN car with really cool lights!'
and if you reaction again squashes the joy, she will leave.
and the adult terri will step in.
and she may still be gracious, but she's thinking 'yep. just a car.'

the adult terri doesn't care about stuff so much.
i may appreciate that it means a lot to you because you bought it with money you earned doing
something extra, or it's symbolic to you for some reason. the adult part can appreciate that stuff.
but truly, it's just a car.

the kid terri loves new and different and bright and shiny. the kid part looks for places to play
and reasons to celebrate.

well, i never thought of it this way before.
i just thought my joy was susceptible to negative/grumpy/no fun responses.
and then it kinda died away.

this makes a difference to me because i'm wondering if everyone works this way.
and maybe i can work with it better.
cause when the joy is squashed, it feels miserable.
and now maybe i can understand WHY it feels so miserable and work with that!

is our pure joy carried in our inner child?

something i think i'm lucky with - and i haven't a clue why it is this way - is that i have a wiggly switch
or something....it's easy for me to switch back and forth from adult to child. which comes in handy.
not sure everyone's switch is as wiggly. and i'm really grateful that mine is. and thinking about it,
maybe i can purposely make it even more wiggly.

there's stuff here for me to look at and think about.
thought i'd throw it out for anyone else who could relate.

and one last thought on the whole inner child thing......i was on an art site yesterday and clicked on
the art listed for 'inner child.'.........oh man, talk about feeling miserable. there's a lotta darkness
associated with this i guess. which, at first glance, makes sense. but after that it doesn't at all to me.

i understand there's so much abuse that happens to us when we're kids. but it's not the kids
themselves who are bad and ugly and horrible. i believe that with all my heart. and looking
at this art i could see that a lotta people felt differently.

this inner child stuff.......i think it matters. i really do. and i think the more we look at it, the more it
can help us.

birthday month

may first.......
birthday month.

i generally make a big fuss around here in may.
and yeah, i intend to this year as well.
altho the approach has been a bit different.

i've been sad, off, and not myself.
wasn't even sure if i wanted to do much for my birthday.
but when my almost step son dropped me an email the other day
wishing me an early happy birthday month......i thought i just gotta get into this.
even he's getting on the band wagon. i can't let that slip away.

and it's funny. it's a little like when i turned 50 last year. there's a buncha steps along the way
to getting good with the birthday.

his note was one of the many steps.

and then this morning.....timed perfectly......i had such a good time on the treadmill.
i bonded with it again.
it's been awhile since i wanted to be on it.
and this morning i didn't want to get off of it.

all the good stuff of a treadmill and music happened.
all this stuff that had been hangin' around inside of me whirled up like a big ol' sage brushy thing like
in the westerns.....i could just feel it spinning and movin' around.

i was amazed at all the stuff.
it's been in and out for about a month......but here it all collected and whooshed around for me to see.
and my eyes got big.

wow.
that's a lotta stuff.
no wonder i've been feeling like i've been feeling.

and i kept moving to the music and i kept feelin' better and i thought about my life.

how i've made it my life. and all the work that took. and how i'm here.
and how i DO want to celebrate. and how i DO want to fuss.

oh yeah.
perfect timing.

it's the start of it all today.
and it's a great excuse to play.

play.
i haven't done that in awhile either......

it's definitely time.