oh ho ho ho ho.......

a friend JUST gave me my new year's resolution
in the most beautiful way.
she shared a quote with me and said it reminded
her of me....

i am tickled to my bones.
it's quite a compliment.

and yeah, i know....it's not really me....
BUT!!! i could aim towards it!
this could be a big part of my resolutions!!!

this is so fun....tryin' to figure these resolutions
out....

here's the quote.
maybe we can all aim for this this new year....

she has the spirit of the sun,
the moods of the moon,
the will of the wind.


oh ho ho ho ho.
don't you JUST LOVE THAT?!

yes!!!

happy new year!

okay...pretty soon i'm gonna be knee deep into
family time.

wanted to finish off the old year with two really
cool quotes my cousin just tuned me into. i love them.

they seem great for thinking about the year ahead:

'throw your heart over the fence and the rest will
follow.'

ohmygosh, don't you just love that?!

and:

'it's choice, not chance that determines your
destiny.'

yes!!!!

here's to grabbin' the new year, throwin' our
hearts over the fences, and makin' some really
strong choices!

i'm in.

i am so so in.

happy new year!

wide open doors to magic

i'm a sap.
doesn't take much to make me smaltzy.
and i got all smaltzy again today.

wrote a friend about how just getting to
know her more this year, and seeing her
beauty has been one of the really good
things that's happened to me this year.

and i gotta say...in a whole lotta ways,
it's been a sucky year. but then again....
in a whole lotta ways, it's been a really
really awesome year.

the end of a year, thinking of friends and
people i love....well all of that makes
me turn into mush.

i wonder what it's all about. where i'm
goin'. what i want to do with my life. what
life's about. you know.....all that stuff.

two days in a row now, i've had two different
women, both very special to me, say to me that
i do a whole lotta inner work and have worked
hard to get somewhere inside. i just had a third
friend tell me something similar...

i noticed it because each time it was told to
me, it took me by surprise.

it's kinda weird but i forget that i do that.

i just see the hurdles ahead, ya know???

and as this year ends, i'm thinking of the hurdles
that have filled the months....

and i do see the work involved.

and i do see how it's all good in its own kooky way.

i keep thinking of all these outlandish resolutions
i want to write....

i'd like to go beyond understanding that it's all good
in its own kooky way, (and i'm not even really there yet!)
i'd like to see the magic as i go along.

like this morning.
with the walk. (see posts below)
the colors felt different. and i said maybe magic was
afoot.

sure enough....it's gotten really really blustery!
i ran out to get some stuff blowin' around and the
wind was roaring!!! just roaring!!! i ran around with
my arms out stretched pretending i was a kite....and
knew it really was a magical day. then there were snow
flurries outta the blue.

it's just this magical weather that can bring anything.

i knew by the colors.

what if i could do that with life??
the colors could be the hurdles. the hurdles could be
colors. signs of magic. letting me know anything can
happen. they don't have to be stressful situations.
they can be wide open doors......to magic.

what if i could look at life like that?!

how in the world do i figure this stuff out to make
resolutions that make sense???

and then if i can make it make sense, how in the world
do i do it on a daily basis???

how do you make 'being awake and aware of the magic'
a new year's resolution???

i don't know.
but i'm gonna give it a shot!

laughin' out loud.

a word i have always hated to describe
my personality is 'bubbly.'
oh man.
groan.
groan.
groan.

and i've heard it a million times.
each time i want to throw daggers at the
person!

grin.

i don't know, it just sounds stupid.

but the truth is....i lean towards bubbly.

shhhh.

don't go tellin' people i used the b word!!

i just hung up the phone. was laughin' with
a friend. heard myself. the laughter was really
hearty.

i noticed that yesterday.

just real hearty loud gut laughing.

man, i love to do that!

i tend to laugh a fair amount. but the real hearty
gut stuff.....that's the golden stuff.

so i'm noticing it.
what brings that out?
what keeps that from showin' up???

it's not just problems that hide it.
i heard myself laughin' pretty hard over some
problems yesterday.....

i'm thinking it's got to be an awareness thing.
being aware of what's goin' on inside of me
and tryin' to take care of the different parts of
me.

i think when i do that, i'm deeply happy. even if
there's sad stuff around me. i think it matters
a lot.

i've got my resolutions on my mind today.
some years i'm just not into that....and some years
i am.

this year i am so rarin' to go. grab my life and
create a good year.

i'm thinking that this bein' aware of the parts of
me has got to be part of the resolution list.

i'm thinking aiming for hearty, gutsy laughter has
got to be part of it all.....

gonna spend the day mullin' this.

how does one write goals that get you to hearty,
gutsy laughing???

it's funny too. my dad used to tell me i was loud.
so when i laughed loud, i would feel kinda bad about
it.

now when i laugh loud i want to make it a life time
goal.

ya know.....i think i'm growin'!

something magical

okay.
i have never seen colors in the sky like i have
this morning. do i say that a lot???
i wonder if the colors are always different?!

they were/are so WOW this morning!

josh accompanied me today and he's so enthusiastic
with the colors, joining in and pointing them out
to me.

we were headin' to my goodmorningworld spot when
he noticed a police car up there. i didn't see it.
said he's prolly just havin' a donut and kept goin'.

didn't take long to see the lights blinking.
man, those things are bright.

okay, so he pulled someone over. but he's right at
my special spot. and i want to say goodmorning to
the world. i'm still gonna go over there.

and then i saw another cop car with the lights
doin' their thing.

okay.
maybe not.
darn.

so i turn and look at the sky over the construction
site. it's LAVENDER. i mean, this incredible purpley
soft color with these pink spots. it's amazing.

'um. mom. there's people there.'

josh doesn't want to say good morning to the world
right here.

okay.

'let's go down the other street! we can say good morning
there!'

we head a different direction.
half way down the road, i stop.
they've torn the trees down where i was gonna go.
oh man.
i don't want to go down there.
i turn my head to the left.
they tore the trees down there too.

wow.

i can't believe it.

wow.

we turn to head back home.
the tops of the trees are this awesome
color of light.

okay.
my good morning world spot this morning
is the sky.

there's the dark sky over here where the
tree's lit up white. wow. wow. wow.
how about over here....it's copper color
top of those trees....

wow.

i felt such a mix between frustration at
'man' and development and awestruck by
nature and its artistry.

i'm gonna keep my eyes to the sky today.
seems a lot better place to focus.

and honest to pete, as i look out my windows
here i'm struck with the colors up there.

kinda makes me think something magical is afoot.

ah yes....
the coming of a new year!

ah, yes.

memories....

gosh am i reminiscent tonite.
up in the kitchen cooking and thinking of an
old friend. she popped up on face book!
i met her in the sixth grade! we went thru
high school together!

that facebook is amazing at who it brings
into your life!

we've just said hi. just barely begun.
but i can't wait to catch up! she's a she.
that'll make it easier. and kinda cool to
catch up on some girl stuff.

i went to my first and only naval academy
football game with her and some friends on
her birthday! i never did understand the game...
just all those guys everywhere was enough
for me!!! ohmygosh.....

i still remember what i wore. we went out to
dinner first. my pants were too tight around the
waist....but they looked good. remember that
stuff??? oh man. it hurt to eat dinner.
i'm laughin' out loud sittin' here rememberin
that!!!

i am soooooo glad i'm not in high school anymore!
but it is such fun looking back at some of the
stuff....

it feels like about 17 lives rolled into one.
i kinda like the one that encompasses them all.

feelin' smaltzy......

ha!

ya know....i've tried the choosing thing before
(see post below)
and it doesn't always work.
i mean, sometimes it does.
and i keep tryin'.
but sometimes it just so flops.

not today!
ha!

i chose good and it just keeps gettin' better!

my mood is totally different than the one i started
with, and that's a very good thing.

the plan was to grab the day and really pay attention
to little terri's needs too.

there have been several times that i had to juggle
those needs with a few things goin' on.
but each time, i consciously acknowledged it and
went right back to what i needed as soon as i could.

what a difference that's making!

still over my head busy, still over my head everything...

but over my head happy at the same time.

yes.
i love it when it works out.

oh.oh. that makes me think of hannibal in the a-team.
i want everyone to know i never ever saw that dumb show
til this year when my kids showed it to me!! (and yeah,
i fell in love with murdock) but that thing hannibal
always says....

'i love it when a plan comes together.'

yes!

i choose good today.

i noticed the aggression after the second kid came
in and i wanted to pummel him! when the third walked
in and i still felt aggressive, i figured it was me.

told the boys i was a mess.
started out all aggressive, ended up holding my head
like i just wanted to cry.

we laughed a bit about it
and then i went to exercise it out.

wow. even that took awhile.

so on my walk i checked in with little ter.
oh yes.
she needed checkin' in with.

and she needs some attention badly.

why don't i pay more attention to this stuff??
when i'm off, i'm ignoring something inside.
it's basic. it's easy. it's elementary.
so why does it always take me way too long to
figure out???

oh well....i DID figure it out!

and so......i decided i needed a day where i paid
a bit more attention to all of me. where i tried
to take as much care of me as i have been of everyone
else.

there was leaping and delight inside at this decision!

yay!

i'm thinking it's gonna be a good day.

it's a choice isn't it?
always a choice.....

i choose good today.

a request

i'm just barely gettin' movin' here.
figure it's time to start diggin' out and
findin' my desk again....

got an email this morning that i haven't
even processed yet. i've gotta go take a walk
and sit with it before i can respond to it.

and yet part of it i can hold. the beautiful
part....

the part that's too much at this moment, and
requires a walk is the part about three young
people dying ten days before christmas in a car
accident.

my friend's nephew and his best friend and his
best friend's girlfriend. her nephew as 19. i'm
figurin' they're all 19 or very close to it....

zakk's almost 17, yo's 20....it's just way too
close to process without being outside...

but here's the part i'm holding right now, and
am kinda amazed at.....

she's struggling, her whole family is struggling.
and she wrote asking if i'd ask everyone i knew
if they could send 'prayers, vibes, chants-whatever
they feel is correct for them- out to not only our
family, but also the families who lost their kids
in this horrible tragedy. this has affected not only
our families, but also the huge network of friends
that james, john and aubrey had.'

i just kinda sat there after reading that.

i have so come to believe in the connectedness of us
all and the support we can give even if we don't know
each other....i have tried to make it a part of what
i do....and to have her come when she's hurting so badly,
looking for help....

i find it incredibly moving, and incredibly powerful.

some things are just too much to hold. we need others to
put their arms around us, to put their hands out and help
hold it with us. it's the only way we can stay upright
sometimes....

and somewhere deep inside her, she knows that, and she's
looking for that help.

i'll be posting that in our newsletter when we send that
out to reach everyone we can....but right now, i wanted
to put it here. before i even processed the rest.

sometimes the words 'holy' and 'sacred' come to my mind
when certain things happen. her asking for this seemed
somehow holy or sacred....i don't even know how to explain
that....it's just a feeling i have.....

if anyone has anything they want to say to her, by all means,
write it to me and i'll pass it her way. verbal or silent,
let's all send her something from our hearts.

she needs it.
we need it.

christmas lights.....

i don't think i ever experienced looking at
christmas lights quite like tonite.

this is the first time my kids and i combined
with my guy and his son, piled into one
vehicle and went looking....

me and five testosterone filled guys looking
at christmas lights.

josh was on a roll. he was smack in the middle
of the car and giving commentary on everything.
there was sarcasm gone wild thru out the car....
the critics were out in full force and you had
to squint to find the spirit of the season in
our group!

but if you tilted your head just right, you'd
see the love and companionship that ran underneath
the guy humor and the jabs. but believe me, you
had to look just right.....

i sat there kinda shakin' my head in disbelief
and thinking how different it would be if i was
in a car filled with women!

all nite, his son was tucked way in the back
hatch of the car. when there'd be a turn, you'd
hear him and everything back there go flying!

we laughed and laughed over the clunks. and
then finally, my guy, who was driving says real
calmly as he's slowly taking a turn "i think i
figured it out, you go wide and then gun it.'

and bam, he gunned the gas pedal and we heard
his son go flying.

i laughed so hard i thought i would bust a gut.

his son is like rubber, and a great sport.
he was havin' as much fun as we were.

when we finished up, i had really felt like we
had experienced something. wasn't sure what...
but definitely something.

lights viewed from the testosterone point of
view....

there's nothing quite like it......

blind trust...

he made some god joke at the end and used
the word 'he' i corrected with the 'she'
word, never meaning it at all...just playin'
with him.

funny how we joked about god....

he's an enthusiastic, youthful atheist,
with all the vigor and belief of a young
man who knows the answers.

i'm a believer in more, but in an odd way,
with all the bumblings of someone who's lived
too long to know any of the answers.

we shared a moment last nite.
he never felt anything more than the presence
of us and the crowd around us.

i never felt anything less than something
bigger all around us constantly.

probably doesn't matter which is true...
probably matters which helps you grow more.

i just found it kinda interesting.

i thought of prayer. the act of asking for
help. do you get help? or is it the act of
listening and being aware that's the help?

i'm thinking the help is always there......
it's the act of tuning into it that brings it
out.

where is the help located? outside of you?
inside of you? in some sort of flow that you
step into?

i never knew much of anything except feelings.
and i've heard those aren't to be trusted, and
those aren't who you really are.

and all i've got is the feeling of when i touch
something beyond me. of when i step into a flow
around me.....

doesn't buy me much in a way of a belief i can
write out on paper. it just gives me something
i can tune into and work with.

i want to do that more.

maybe concentrate less on knowing what it all
means, and more on living what i can feel. ya
know?

huh.
that would be kinda like blind trust, wouldn't it?

i used to think that was a bad thing.
now i'm kinda thinkin' it's a vital thing.....

more and more i want to learn blind trust.
and more and more i see how far i have to go......

new year's is comin' up tho.....
and it's time for resolutions.
i can just imagine my dad's look of horror if he
were here. he was the one who'd get the clip board
out and list the things to do for the new year.

guaranteed.....'blind trust' would never have made
the list!

grinnin' at my dad....
i never did play it like he wanted.
why stop now, ya know?

listening to the wind....

his heart's been breakin'. and mine's been crackin'
a bit just watchin' him. it's been hard. i've been
feelin' pretty helpless....

and then something happened yesterday that really
made it all turn a corner for me.

it was one of those times something beyond me was
doin' the guiding. a thought popped into my head,
i honored it by goin' with it, he was desperate enough
to follow my lead.

and we all met up. the three of us. the two of them
have too many issues between them to get very far.
i know enough of their dance to be able to show up
and calm the rough waters a bit. other than that, i
didn't know what i could do.

and yet......i was aware enough to know this was
beyond me. and that this wasn't my idea, and i needed
to watch and be open.

we were first to arrive. he went up for coffee, i found
a table. i put my hands over my face. anyone walkin'
by would think i was just tired. i closed my eyes and
asked for help, asked for something good to happen here.
let me be open enough to be guided in what to say...

i uncovered my face just as my guy came back. he was
grinnin' at me. figured i was just tired and dreading
this. he had no idea what i was doin'.

it wasn't long before he arrived. i had his favorite
drink waiting for him. he smiled and thanked me.
i joked it was all my treat even tho i didn't pay for
it i had thought of it! he smiled at my guy and thanked
him for buying it. we were off to a good start....

we talked. he told us of some of his plans. we tried
to figure a few things out with him. i asked him what
he was feelin'. 'nothing' he claimed. he had shut down
his feelings....

after we talked some more, i leaned towards him, touched
his arm and told him i thought he should let the excitement
feeling come out as things were looking good for him. there
were things to feel good about.

he just eyed me from over his straw.

at some point, i leaned back and i knew we were done.
that we could leave. it was good too as i had had enough.

i knew good things had happened around the table, i also
knew there was a lot there that would drain me and that
i didn't need to be a part of.

we walked out to the parking lot, there was some joking
and then goodbye......i looked up at the sky as i got
to my car. a smile and a thank you up to the heavens, and
i plopped inside.

asked my guy how he felt.
'we haven't talked like that in so long. that was the best
i've seen him in months.' he said. and he had hope.

is everything fixed?
oh no. not by a long shot.
but it went from blackness to some real hope and optimism
last nite. give them a little time alone and the blackness
will return....that's their dance.

but i've got the hope and optimism now. and i can give that
to him when he's just seein' black.

if i've got that to give, i can get thru.
it's when i've only got blackness too that i'm lost.

so i sit here this morning listening to the wind outside.
looking up to the sky i asked for guidance today....
help me be open enough to hear it....

and the wind whipped thru the trees........

men

the leaky toilet story below brought back a
memory....

years ago, when the kids and i were first on
our own, and my guy was just barely in my life...

the boys were fixing our car. knowing nothing of
mechanics, but diggin' in and learning and rebuilding
a car for us anyway. it's honestly, the story of
the century....but it's only a tiny piece of that
story i'll relate here...

the boys taught themselves mechanics. they would
consult books and local mechanics, and any handy person
they came in contact with.

as i watched the process, i was so impressed with
the men all around me. i wonder if it's some unwritten
code of men....but then i think of some other men
i know, and no, i don't think it is.....

but it should be.....
and the really special men seem to know it....

they would give my kids advice (and they were kids at
that point! not the young men they are now)....the men
would offer things they knew, explain things to the kids,
but never invade their space. they never went too far
and stepped on the kids' toes and acted like the kids
couldn't do it.

they all encouraged them, had complete confidence in them,
and said 'go, do it.' their attitudes kept my kids goin'.

at one point they came to a dead stop and asked my guy
for some advice. my guy took the schematic into my living
room and just sat staring at it.

he has several natural gifts of his own, and one of them is
the ability to figure anything out mechanically. and so
there he sat for the longest time just goin' over that
schematic in his head.

i sat and watched. it's so beyond me that i couldn't comprehend
how he did it.

he did it, walked out to the driveway and showed something to
the guys.

tada!

that was it.
and then he let them fix it........

when the kids finally got that car running, i remember
us all piling into that tiny car and delivering goodies to
the guys who really helped my kids out. i shook their hands,
looked them straight in their eyes and told them what they
did for us....and it was way beyond any car that they saw
running.

i gained quite a respect for men thru that, saw them in a
way i had never really seen them before.

what a journey this bein' a mother of sons has been.......

the leaking toilet and life lessons.....

we had gone into the other room to talk about
some things. the guys had a movie to watch....
as we talked we kept hearin' the guys goin'
in and out of the front door. cars movin' in
the driveway. just a general hustle and bustle.
we looked at each other, curious.

could the movie be over already?? did they all
head out?? there was far too much movement from
a group of guys who were sposed to be crashed
out in the attic.

curious, we went out to see what was up...

yo was standing in the hallway. just standing
there.

what's up, yo yo??

he went on to explain to us this whole long
story of how our toilet had started to leak.
zakk was at lowes right now getting parts for
it. they had been under the house checking the
pipes...the whole deal.

i looked at the clock. it was 9:45. zakk would
just make it before the store closed.

josh came down and gave a more detailed description
of figurin' out the leak. between his description
and my guy's teasin...i didn't want to hear anymore!

zakk callled. there was a conference on what kinda
parts to get. i sat down, scrunched my face and asked
exactly what had to be done.

they explained, josh volunteered to fix it. yo told
him no....and more teasing.....

i figured i should be involved so i could learn.
my guy looked at me like i was nuts, told me to let them
fix it. he said 'look, this is what happens.....'
he explained it to me, and said 'there, ya got it. you know
now. now let them fix it.'

there was joking about there only bein' one bathroom
and the emergency plans if it didn't get fixed soon!
more face scrunching on my part.

zakk returned with the parts, it was decided zakk and yo
would fix it, josh would go out for chinese food to feed
the workers. i would hover and fuss.

something i really love about my guy, is how he treats
my sons in situations like this. he respects their
'territory' and never invades with telling them how to
do things or doin' it for them. he stays on the side,
watches, asks a question here or there that they might
not have thought about, and is right there if anyone
asks advice. he slips in looks at what's goin on, consults
a little bit to make sure the guys have a handle on it,
and then steps aside.

he consulted with zakk, discussed the parts,
talked toilet a bit, and then headed home with his son.
he has always been this way with them and it has gained
him a lot of respect from my guys.

before i knew it, the toilet was in the hallway.
i peeked around the corner to see what it was all about.
hmmmmm......wow. actually, kinda cool.

then i left it to them. with just a tad of fussin' and
hoverin'.

before long they were puttin' it back together, josh
was comin' in with some food, and everything was back to
normal.

i never asked them to fix it. i didn't even know there
was a problem. they saw the problem, headed out for the parts,
were so far thru the process before i even knew.

i thanked them up and down.
it's their house too, they tell me.
and i sit here and think how amazing they are.
they can fix anything.
it never occurs to them they can't.
they just do whatever needs to be done.
they're not afraid to ask questions, and at the same time,
they're not afraid to just figure it out.

honestly, my kids teach me so much about life just by
me watching them. i love their willingness to take on
whatever comes their way.

kinda interesting timing...
i think i needed a reminder in how to do that with life.

and once again, my kids teach me how to live......

the holiness of the journey

he's been sad and preoccupied and trying hard not
to show it. he had made it thru multiple celebrations
like a champ.

every time i leaned in close to check on him, he'd
tell me he was fine. sometimes even go so far as to
say 'good.'

your typical guy. not gonna delve into it.

and so.....just before they left, i took him in
the other room and tackled him to get his attention.
there we were, eyeball to eyeball, my hair hangin'
in his face....

'tell me how you are for real.'

'fine. good. okay. really.'

'you're not okay. out with it.'

even a guy has to crack open a bit sometime,
has to say 'uncle.'

and so we talked a little bit. eyeball to eyeball.
and i could see way way down deep inside of him.
i slid in next to him and just listened.

what a good good man.
and what a sadness he's carryin' right now.

this season is such a mix. it truly is a magnifier.
it can make things so beautiful and magical. it can
makes things so painful and hard. it just seems to
take life and make it more intense all the way around.

there are moments i don't really like that. but only
moments, because then i think about the depth of this
season and what it holds and what it means to me....
and it's the best time to hold the hard things.

i remember when my dad was dying before christmas,
i remember looking at the christmas lights on my way
home from the hosptial. i remember the peace they gave
me and what that light in the darkness reminded me of.

i do think it's all magnified....
but beyond the 'good stuff' and beyond the 'bad stuff'
what also is magnified for me is the 'BEYOND the good
and the bad stuff'....

the holiness of the journey is somehow magnified too.

and that is what i'll hang on to as we head towards
a new year.....

christmas magic

ohmygosh....what a full full couple of days!
there was a whole lotta laughing, eating,
giving, game playing, teasing, and love all
the way around. some real precious moments
of closeness....

one of the things that stands out the most
was watchin' someone real important in my life
not only step up to the plate, but do a jig
right on top of it!

last year had been a tough year for him. and
he had a whole lotta trouble giving. i think
that's haunted him a lot, and he wanted to make
up for it this year.

he worked real hard for months and saved up
his money to buy some really wonderful presents.
he's young and his youthful enthusiasm colored
the whole thing....he got lotsa presents as
he figured the more the better! and he couldn't
just give them out in some boring fashion....
we had to play a game and win them!

of course, the game was just for show, cause it
didn't matter who won that round, the present went
to whoever he felt like!

he sat with a santa hat on his head and a grin
plastered over his face and we played this game
for hours!!

the questions in the game all centered around him.
and we'd all answer the questions based on how
well we knew him.

it was perfect. the answers were filled with love
and teasing and family banter.

the presents were tossed across the room, there
was shrieking (mostly from me....the boys don't
shriek real well) and gratitude, and much merriment.

it was one of the brightest spots of any christmas
i can remember.

and i'm thinking it was more important than any of
the guys in that room knew....including himself.
i honestly think in the middle of that chaos, a piece
of that kid's soul returned.

and i sat and watched, and shrieked, and laughed and
thanked the universe for letting me get to watch
something so beautiful.....

christmas magic to be sure.

one heck of a christmas present!

ohmygosh.
i call it my psychic phone booth, right?
(the shower)
ohmygosh....
i think the universe just gave me my
christmas present.
now.
if i can keep it and hold it....

was tryin' to figure out my dream (see
post below) and rather than write volumes
of where my mind went....here's the bottom
line message i got in the psychic phone
booth....

there is stuff goin' on that i cannot
comprehend, and i don't need to. the parts
i can see scare me because they threaten
me in some of my most vulnerable spots.
drop the fear. i am loved beyond anything
i can imagine. (this goes for everyone)
it's a love that's beyond us. that surrounds
us, that is inside all of us.
being loved is something that exists in
spades and there's no need to fear the lack
of that. i do not need to see it manifested
round me in particular people. it's there,
see it or not. i need to know in my bones,
trust it, and offer myself with full and open
heart to this stuff that's goin' on that i can't
comprehend.

if i don't trust it, i will find myself in fear.
when i'm in fear, i won't be able to open the
way i'm needed to open right now.

so trust is vital. an open heart is vital right
now. give it and you will not regret it.

give it and you will give life.

wow oh wow oh wow....
i was just goin' to try to figure out a dream...
and that's what i got.

i think i just got my best christmas present ever.
now. if i can hold it!

i immediately go to my room to get dressed.
close the door.....see my reflection in orange
fuzzy slippers, camo bathrobe (yes, she did say
CAMO!) and messed up hair and thought.....
yeah, right. how can this person be loved???
and then i shushed that thought.
saw the orange fuzzy slippers that my kids gave
me last christmas because they love me, saw
the camo bathrobe that reminds me of that goofy
guy in my life...and knew i was wrapped in love.

and this love that i got the thoughts on just now....
it's something way wilder than those orange
slippers.....

and i've got to trust it.....

i've got to.

a moment in a dream....

what a powerful dream i had last nite.
well.....actually....a powerful moment in
a dream i can't remember.

i was helpin' out in a facility with the
elderly. and i helped a man out of his
wheelchair into a chair.

as i moved him from the wheelchair, he held
on to me so tightly. so tightly i can still
feel it...
and as i was holding him, i knew he was
hanging on for more than just the support of
not falling, he was hanging on because he needed
love. he needed to be touched, he needed to be
needed. he held on for dear life. he held on
to feel life, to get life, to know life.

and i can't shake the feeling of that dream.

i have no idea what it means....
but i'm gonna indulge again this morning and
go take a hot shower! my psychic phone booth!
maybe i'll understand the dream when that hot
water is pouring over me.

but even if i don't get it....
i am just so profoundly moved that i can still
feel that man holding on to me.......
and how totally weird....but i'm still hanging
on to him too.....

story telling

i indulged this morning....
ahhh......i got up, turned the pellet stove
on in my studio, and then got back under my
covers, grabbed a book and just cozied in
for a bit.

i grabbed a book that most everyone in the world
has read by now except me. 'kitchen table wisdom.'

i haven't even gotten to the actual book part yet.
i just read the introduction and love it already.
she's talkin' about the power of stories and
sitting around telling them.

my typical way of doin' things in my life is
bumbling into them...just stumbling my way into
good things. and that's exactly how i wandered
into the story telling part of life with my guys.

after my husband and i split up, i wanted to keep
an eye on how my guys were doin' inside. so we'd
gather every nite and tell stories of our day. we'd
talk about things that were bothering them, we'd
talk of life, we'd tell our stories.

we stumbled our way into something really precious.

my guy has the most amazing stories i've ever heard.
millions of them. and he lets one out here and there.
always a new one that makes your mouth fall open and
wonder how it is this guy is possibly still alive!
my kids will land like big ol' birds, sit down and
wait for a good story.

and today! today is like christmas day here......
my guy and his son will be here...there'll be
gift giving, a meal shared, games...
and my favorite part will be when we're all sitting
around the living room with the tree tellin' stories.

this book has already reminded me of the importance
of all of that. i'm keepin' that in the back of my
head today......and i'm going to relish story tellin'
time tonite.

it's very timely too as that has slowed down a bit
the past few months. i can't let something so precious
slip away.....

what a perfect day for the reminder!

my cozy home

just as yesterday seemed to be paddlin' up hill...
hmmmmm or would that be up STREAM? ahhh such an
outdoorsy girl.....

today seems to be rollin' downhill or is that down
stream???

grin.
grin.
grin.

been playin' the christmas music, put on the christmas
table cloth, even made a goofy centerpiece for the table.
ahhhhh! it's feelin' festive around here.

i was gettin' myself a cup of tea up in my kitchen,
and just lovin' bein' there. i really really love my house.
which is kinda funny as it's older, totally drafty and
run down, everything in it is backwards, it's small,
one bathroom....nothing fancy about it...
and i love this place.

for some reason, when i make tea, i really notice my
kitchen and love it. i just get real present and feel
the painted floor, enjoy the counters and just the whole
mood of the place.

then i ran out to get the mail. and i RAN as it's cold
outside! ran back in closed the door behind me, leaned
on it and looked around. you step right into my living
room and can see right into my kitchen. and it looks so
darn cozy. decorations everywhere.

i just leaned there for a minute and smiled......

i love my home.
and it's the holidays.
and they're mine.

i've definitely had to learn how to make them mine...
and i'm still learning.....

but for now......i've got it......
and it feels wonderful.

the other side of the street.....

there are those days that are just plain hard.
yesterday was one of them.
not to say there weren't bright spots...
but over all .... it was hard.

this morning i woke up determined to have
a good holiday day. i could still feel the
stress in me so i didn't hesitate when it
came to jump rope time! wanted to jump that
stress outta me!

did good too.

then yo accompanied me on my walk.
i explained to him about a particularly
icky road kill deal up the road and how
yesterday it just about made me throw up,
so let's just walk on the other side of
the road today!

and i laughed and said 'as a matter of
fact, i'm gonna do that with my life all
day....just walk on the other side of the
road.'

i wanted to ignore the ick today, head
down lookin' another way for the tough
stuff...i just want to have a good day!

and as we headed back towards the house
yo was inspiring me with stories he's
heard about businesses....

we got all psyched.

my whole being got filled with inspiration
and i just want to go knock the world on
it's socks!

and as we walked up to our front door,
i was laughing and telling him how psyched
i was and how this walkin' on the other
side of the street wasn't gonna work today.

i had to walk straight on down the middle
of the street....hog both lanes....dance
thru the median....take it all over....
live the whole deal!

forget this head down, don't look stuff....
the world is mine today!
and i'm gonna grab it!

god bless yo yo!

coutnting my blessings....

i got a comment from an old friend that made me
smile this morning. and then just as i finished
writing about my morning walk, another old friend,
from the same time period in my life, wrote and
asked if i walked this morning. he said 'if you did,
i'll give you a gold star.'

gold star, please.

i'm guessin' it's the time of year....the holidays...
seein' family and the memories and all that stuff...

i have a friend i've known since we were six years
old! she sends us one of those christmas goodie
baskets every year. and every year we open it on
christmas eve and celebrate with it.......

all that kinda stuff.....right to these notes from
these old buddies of mine.....

it definitely reminds me of what's important in life.

and it's funny.....i know i've gotten older because
it's not all just the story book friendships and
relationships.you know....the all loving, perfect
story book stuff.

there's so many twists and shades to them. some are
complicated, some are not. none are simple, all are
special.

and every single one of them mean more to me than
they'll ever know.

i'm carryin' them around with me extra close right
now. i guess cause it's christmas time....
and maybe THAT'S what christmas is all about.
it's love for sure.....i know that part....
but maybe the treasuring of that gift, the holding
and giving of that gift...
without even really trying.

maybe.

all i know is......i'm countin' my blessings
this morning......

a frosty wonderful morning!

ohhhhhh it's pretty out!
and cold!
it finally got cold!!!

i stood peering out my studio door in
my jammies....hmmmmm......looks pretty
chilly out there....
definitely felt chilly in my studio...
what would it feel like outside???

hmmmmmm maybe it's not really that good
a morning to jump rope....

and i walked up to my living room debating.
it's pretty cold. you can take the morning off...

and there.....out my front window......was
the most gorgeous sky.

the sun was just coming up and the trees were
that color that they get as the sun begins
to rise....

whenever i see that color my whole heart leaps
up and my insides just go bonkers.

i couldn't get outside fast enough!!!!

i jumped rope and warmed right on up.
didn't even need a coat by the time i was
ready for a walk....

by the time i got home my cheeks were all red,
and my insides all happy.

i love those walks...
amazing that i even have to debate some mornings
if i'm goin' outside or not.
OF COURSE I AM!
my day wouldn't be the same without them....

finding real....

it wasn't wrong.
there wasn't a wrong thing about it....

it had taken years for her to drop all
the stuff that was put on her....

but the rightness of it all not only won
out...it had changed her.....
it had given her real.

she had finally found real.

now that she found it, she had no intention
of ever letting it go.

in my favor!

so i did it!
i tried my laughin' thru it thing...
and i added the idea of seein' everyone
as a treasure....
and the most amazing thing happened...

i ended up seein' MYSELF as a treasure!
ha!
go figure!

there are people in my life who have
loved me so real it's incredible.
people who have so been there for me
they have actually convinced me at times
i was worth the bein' there for!

and there have been people in my life who
have not. and who have definitely convinced
me i was not worth it!

today i saw quite clearly and beautifully that
the scales had toppled into my favor!

that all that negative stuff had not only
NOT won.....it's gotten old and boring.

ha!ha!ha!
old and boring!!!!!!
who woulda guessed??!!

all those times of tears and frustration and
angst......has turned into old and boring!
yawn.

ha!
ha!

i know real well now that i've got so much good
to concentrate on.....and so many things worth
my energy....and that i'm kinda my own treasure
that doesn't need everyone on the planet to think
so too! that that's okay.

we're all so different.
and we're all on our own journeys.....
and everyone's gotta be allowed to walk in their
own style....i keep tryin' to allow that for people.
today i felt real strongly that

that includes me.

and i don't have to hide who i am!
take me or leave me, it's okay!
cause the scales have toppled in my favor
and i know i'm really okay just the way i am!!

and all that negative stuff?
go ahead and keep that to yourself....
i don't have any room for it! the scales won't hold
it any more! they've toppled,toppled, toppled.....
in my favor!

i can feel a new song comin' on......

topple, topple, topple......in my favor.......
oh yeah....they toppled, toppled toppled right
into my faaaaaaavoooooor!!!

yes!

a secret

psssstttt........
i got a secret......
something happened inside me this morning.
i was wrapping presents, listening to music,
scuttlin' about...
and i just got that ol' christmas feelin'
all inside me.

i looked in the mirror and smiled at myself.
i even look happy!

sooooo i've got a few things i wasn't exactly
lookin forward to....

and well...
i thought of those big girl panties...
pullin' 'em on and doin' what i gotta do...
but MORE than that!
these are big girl panties with very fun print
on them.....because i'm gonna do it all with
fun and with laughter.

THAT is what i'm gonna do.

and i'm all tickled inside...
no one but me will know my plan.
shhhh...it's a secret.....

my little song....

it's one heck of a gorgeous morning~!
ice up in the trees....just so pretty!

i'm dancin' around singin' a little song
this morning.....it goes something like
this....

i've got money....i've got money....
i've got money and christmas stickers
toooooooo.......

grin.
grin.
grin.

if you read the bounce post below, you'll
know i had a bouncey problem with the bank.
a big one! couldn't figure it out at all.....
well........the best thing that coulda caused
it caused it! an online money transfer never
went thru.
why is that so good??
cause it means the money's there.....it's
just in the wrong place!!

i've got money....i've got money........
(at least to pay my bills!!)

it was such a wonderful feeling to figure
it out! and how fun....nothing's changed,
i have no more money than i did yesterday,
i have no extra money beyond payin' the bills.

but i feel sooooooo darn rich and happy!
yes!
i've got money! i've got money!

and!!!
josh DID steal my christmas stickers!
(yet another post below)....
and returned them!
now that everything's wrapped!!!

BUT i've got my christmas stickers now!

as far as i can tell.....
you add the money in with the christmas
stickers and then add all that good stuff
in my life....

i'm sailin' into christmas feelin' like
i've got it all!

what a way to start the day!
'specially when later on today i face a bit
of a challenge!!!

doesn't matter!
if i get rattled, i will just start singin'
my song....

i've got money.....i've got money.......
i've got money and christmas stickers toooooooo!

bounce....bounce....bounce.....

between being raised catholic, and coming from
german farmer roots, i have this rule thing.
this responsibility thing.
i definitely try to be responsible.
it's even a joke around here.

soooooo when i BOUNCE a check, i get a little crazy!

bounce.
bounce.

guess what i did??
big time.

grin.

so i did the usual freak out and ran around gathering
money! kinda nice there were places to gather money
from...

but i cannot for the life of me figure out what's wrong.
as far as i can tell, i HAD money in my account!!

i've um...bounced before...yeah, i have.
but it's always been stupid mistakes that i've seen
afterwards. you know the OHHHHHH YEAH! thing!

well, i've looked and looked and looked and can't find
the OHHHHH YEAH thing anywhere.

so this is a new situation for me.

so i thought i'd try something new.
it's saturday, i got money in there. monday i'll call
and see if i can wheedle my way out of charges...

and in the meantime....i'm gonna put all this on the
back burner of my mind.

i'm gonna see if i look at it fresh tomorrow if it'll
all make sense!

and if it doesn't???
i don't know.....
strangely enough....i'm not all worried.
it's large enough to make me worry....
and it's just not doin' that.

is it possible i really am learnin' how to not let
money make me crazy???

wow. wouldn't that be cool......

this is the first time in my life a bounced check
is making me more curious than crazy.
and even going a bit beyond and making me reflective.

either i'm gettin' way more trusting...
or way more flakey!

the doghouse

had lunch with a guy who was gonna get his
wife some diamonds for christmas.
it reminded me of this commercial a friend
sent me about a month ago.
cracked me up!
i told him i'd send him the link....

thought i'd share here.
need a laugh?
this one just made me laugh all over again!!!

send it to all the men in your life.
of course, if your men are anything like mine,
they may never read the email!

i had to RESEND it to my guy!
good thing i wasn't countin' on diamonds
this year!

beware of the doghouse!

laughin' or cryin'.....

we were going to catch up.
so much to say.
so many stories to share.

but the health report came first.
she'd had a doctor's visit so there
would be news...

and so she filled me in.
i listened. and told myself to breathe.
tears would not help the situation.

we talked about it all.
and it was heavy to hold.

i had to go.
told her i'd call her again later so
we could laugh a little. told her i'd
call her this afternoon with a funny
story...

and then i got in my car and i drove...
and i thought....and i cried....and i
prayed....

and i thought 'i haven't got a funny thing
to share....i can't do it.'

hours later i heard myself on the phone
with her. we were laughin' like little kids.
we took all kindsa stories that were goin'
on...and most of them were hard stories...
and we laughed about them. we made fun of
it all, and goofed with it all and laughed.

i hung up the phone amazed that we could do
that...

and then i wondered why i was so surprised.
we were champs with that. isn't that what
we've always done together?

honestly, i never shared such scary moments
with anyone like i have with her...and we
laughed thru those!

and here we were again.
some things never change, i guess.

except for when they end...

i'm not so good with endings......

she reminds me once again to put my big
girl panties on and find my way thru....
laughin' or cryin'...we'll get thru......

what angels can hold....

wow....so many threads in my head as i walked...
hang on for the ride....

listenin' to christmas music yesterday...
transiberian orchestra. i love those people!
there's a song in there about an angel coming
down...
'to brings something back, this angel was told
that no one could touch, but angels could hold.'

i am so captivated by that...
that no one could touch, but angels could hold.

so that's ringin' thru my head.

then there's this other song, same album that
reduced me to a melted puddle of tears yesterday...
it's a dad missin' his daughter, not knowing where
she was and praying for her...

so, okay....i'm walkin' and thinking. and tryin'
not to dwell on my dad. (see multiple posts below)
and i think of all i wanted from him and just will
never get....

then i smile.

last week i asked someone if they were nervous about
doin' something and they said a friend of theirs told
them to 'pull on their big girl panties and just do it.'

i had a very close friend who told me that countless
times! i laughed every time she said it, and it would
be just what i needed to hear...

so i got to thinking about that prayer in that song.
yeah, ter....you're dad isn't here, and even if he was,
it prolly wouldn't be what you wanted....
soooooooo how about you say that prayer for yourself?
how about you give yourself what you're lookin' for?
how about you put on your big girl panties and give
yourself that love?

ahhhhhh that felt so good. and i could hear the song
ringin' thru my mind...'watch over her this day, keep
her, protect her from harm now in every way, shelter
her gently there in your arms she'll be until the day when
you bring her back home to me.......'

okay......then my mind went straight to a note i got
last nite on face book. a quick, incredible note that
went right to my heart. someone thanking me for my work
and telling me that it reminds her that she's beautiful
and worth loving.

wow.
i fall on my knees in gratitude for notes like that.
honestly. i have to pause here and just say that.

and i wrote her back and mentioned self love...

cause i think it's the self love that's the hardest....

and i go back to that song and that prayer....
'keep her safe until she gets back home.'

where's home?

is home inside her?
is home self love?
is home god?
is home a huge deep mix of all of that that we can't
really grasp....we can't really touch....it's so deep
so huge....so blinding....we can't really touch it...
but angels can hold it........

and wow.
my head just about exploded with the beauty of how
it all tied in and made me feel.

it's beyond me........it's so incredibly beyond me...
all i can do is put on my big girl panties...love
myself and those around me....and see where it takes
me....

maybe inside to self love?
maybe inside to god?
maybe to what angels can hold....

christmas stickers....

we've always managed to have a christmas!

sometimes it's been by the skin of my teeth,
but we did it!

but yes, i have cut back on the stupidest
things just to save a dime. and for the last
few years, i actually cut out buyin' those
pretty little stickers you put on presents
to write the person's name on...

yeah....it's like two bucks. and i wouldn't
buy them....i wrote their names in sharpie.
anything to cut corners, ya know?

well....this year, i splurged! i bought those
tags!!!! and then i proceeded to put them away
where i wouldn't lose them!!

couldn't find them anywhere......i lost them.

so i told my guy about it when we were out.
'i gotta pick up some of those tags! i want
to have those this year. just to show myself
i can afford the side things too!' they were
symbolic to me. the lean days are over. you're
okay now, ter. you can get the extra things to
make the packages pretty....you made it.
you can buy christmas tags!

he didn't even know such a thing existed.
i laughed, called him my little jewish boy
and told him i'd teach him the ins and outs
of christmas.

'ya mean, you don't just write names with
a sharpie?' he asked.

grin.

well, if ya want some class, mister, i'll
show you the way...

we went to two stores, didn't have any....

figures. he's back to sharpies.

later, on another day, i snagged some! okay!
i am all set!!! gonna use these suckers on
at least SOME of my packages!

got one on for his present.
ONE!
then i put them aside for when i wrapped later...

thought i'd wrap a few real quick inbetween
chaos here....

guess what??

i can't find a darn sticker to save my soul!
WHERE did i put them???

i'm thinking josh stole them for his student
gifts......

and i'm standin' in the middle of the room laughin.

ya gotta be kiddin me....

christmas stickers.
it's been years since i've used them.....
and i'm thinking......it'll be at least another year
added to that......

but when i actually do find them in my drawer, i'll
have quite a stash!! maybe i'll use them on birthday
presents all year!!!!!!!!


lesson in here?

perhaps i have all the extras now...and had them all
along...

who needs stickers anyway???

pass me the sharpie, please.

a quote from dad

i was just tellin' the guys that this is
the anniversary of my dad's death (see post
below) and we were talkin' about it a bit..

and josh imitated my dad's voice and said
'people don't die on schedule.'
and i smiled.

my dad used to say that!
josh said that was his best quote......

actually, he had some really good quotes.
stuff that would make me laugh...

but that one....well......yeah............that
one gets me totally differently now......

wow.......

i know i'm on the exhausted side....
lotsa runnin'....headin' out soon for
more.......and i get kinda emotional
when i'm exhausted.....

so i'm wrappin' up a web order.
it's from a dad for his daughter.
he's havin' it directly shipped to her.

i'm doin' it up right...takin' some
extra time with it...because i think that's
way important.

and i'm wrapping it thinking about a dad
sending this to his daugthter...and i
started thinking about my own pop. how i
woulda felt if this came in the mail for me...
and i wrap some extra good vibes in the
package. send this father and daughter a
big hug....i'm so happy they have a relationship
where dad can send this....

and then i think of my own dad...second time
today.

great. i stop myself. is this gonna be one
of those dad days?? i ask myself.

bam.
everything stops.

i go look at the calendar.......
two years ago today.....it was two years
ago today he died.

wow.

the month's gotten away from me.
so much stuff goin' on right now....didn't
even know the date.

apparently part of me knew the date.....

so i'm takin' a moment here to stop.
honor my pop.
a funny duck, my pop.
hard stuff between us....
and yet i loved him with my whole heart.

may i take his best qualities and incorporate
them into my own living...

here's to my dad.
who will always be that first love of mine....

well, ya know....that's okay!

so i'm jump ropin' and hearin' my voice
say 'that mean little rat!' (see post below)
and it occurs to me that that must be
little terri surfacing! that's her language.
think it's time to check in with her.

so.....we take a walk, me and little terri.

and she says something that makes me laugh.
and i noticed that i laughed just like my
pop would have.

so i start thinking about my pop. all the
while little terri is still with me.

i loved him an awful lot.
and i think about how i woulda done almost
anything for him. but i just couldn't give
my life away for him. and little terri is
near by and she says 'and ya know, that's
okay.'

and so then i think of how he'll never know
how much he meant to me....and i look over
at little terri and say 'and ya know, that's
okay.'

suddenly, somehow thru this weird twist of
my imagination, little terri and i walk up
to a lake with water we're not sure of.

it's lake ya-know-that's-okay! and we decide
to put our toes in!

what about this thing in our lives? we stick
our toes in...
sure enough....
we look over at each other with huge grins:
well, ya know...THAT'S OKAY!

and then the games begin! we stick our toes
in, our ankles in.......
how about this happening in our life???
WELL YA KNOW, THAT'S OKAY?!

we're bustin' our guts laughin' and tryin' out
all kindsa parts of our lives that have hurt.
and then scream out to each other
WELL YA KNOW, THAT'S OKAY!
then peels of laughter!

i get to my goodmorningworld spot.

i stood there and grinned.
it could be a lake! it's a gully...a drain ditch...
and if we filled it up with water, well it just
could be lake well ya know that's okay!

so i filled it in my mind. and stood there grinnin'
at it.

as i (we) turned to walk back the tears started
coming. the stuff that was so sad, just came and
i cried and put my arm around little terri and we
looked at each other thru tears and smiled and yep...
we said our line!

and then!
we found ourselves headin' up to thousands and thousands
of black birds.

and they were singin' our line!
well,yaknow, that's okay well,ya know,that's okay....

and we both just hopped with delight!
they're singing it too!

we got under them.....thousands of them! and they're
makin' the most terrific noise! and in my head i am
screamin' along with them, little terri is dancing
under them....and we're all in on it together!

they follow us up the road! flyin' over our heads!
and i grinned....millions of birds flying over my head
and not one of them dropped anything on my head!

and i laughed out loud when i thought 'well, if one
did....well, ya know....that's okay!'

i was walkin' fast, in beat with the song, the air
was giving my face that rosy feel....
and i really knew it.
i really got it.
i may not have it an hour from now....but for the moment...
well, ya know.....it's just okay.

mean little rats and compassion

i think the universe has a weird sense of humor
sometimes....

did i just mention i was gonna be extra compassionate??
oh man.
i shouldn't say these things....

i actually started laughing about it with yo yo
just now.....

a young man that i've tried really really really
hard to help for years now just expressed how
he sees me as a liar. he didn't say it direct to
me, altho i think he and i need to have a
conversation about this....

the odd thing?
i've gone out of my way to always be straight up
with him so he can trust me.

i burst out laughing when i heard it because of
the way it was phrased. it was pretty funny.
but at the same time, it was like, go ahead,
twist that knife...

so i'm tellin' yo and i'm laughin and hurtin'
and i say 'that mean little rat.'

i hear it.
and i feel it.

and then it hits.
i remember that darn compassion thing.....
pour more on the world right now as the world is
low.....

shoot.

the mean little rat thought is soooo much easier.
it's a release, it appears to be a balm for the hurt
(altho, we all know better) and it feels justified
(again...we all know better with that too)

perfect timing...
gonna take it on my walk and see if i can get the
compassion for him. and for me too....i should prolly
get some in the deal too as it was a bum rap.

compassion has got to be better than anger and hurt.
and it's the season for it.....

how weird is life?
it is forever teachin' me to stretch.....

i think part of love is reachin' beyond your own gunk
and hurt to the other person....
that's gotta be compassion too....
makes sense, i guess....love and compassion have got
to be all part of the same misty stuff.

off to go step into the mist......

compassion shortages....

wow, i'm tired....
i think i've hit the 'non-stop runnin'
part of the season....it'll stop sooner
or later....but right now it's pretty
wild!

i was runnin' around gettin' ready to
spend some time with my guy tonite....

we don't see each other much, so it's
a big deal to put time aside for each other.
i was goin' crazy tryin' to fit everything
in....

and then it occurred to me...
that's just the way it is right now.
i can go good crazy or bad crazy.

so i decided to go with good crazy.

then....i heard from a few friends....
and they each got hit hard by some hurt
inflicted by someone in their lives.

and i got to thinking about that.
how people do that to each other.
and so many times it's intentional.

and i wonder where the compassion is?
where did it go???

and then i got to thinkin' of my non-stop
running.....

run all you want, ter, go crazy, go the
good kinda crazy....and thru it all....
keep compassion in the front of your mind.
there seemed to be a shortage of it today.

and it felt like that in the things i heard today.
like there was a shortage of compassion at
the market.

maybe if some of us throw some extra doses of
it out there, maybe it'll start to balance back
out.....

specially now, ya know?
seems like it should be overflowing.....

so, okay.....
i'm gonna run like a crazy woman...but in a good
kinda way. i'm gonna laugh thru it.....
and i'm gonna throw extra compassion all over the
place!!!

but first.....
some sleep!

dancin' from the heart...

got a call yesterday that just made my day!

a 'friend' i'd never met.
we've just traded a few emails,
she's shared some poetry with me....
that kinda thing....

she called out of the blue yesterday to tell
me a few things.
we had never spoken before.

it was easy, comfortable and delightful.

i could hear the empowerment happening in her
life and i could feel the big smile on my face
as i listened to her stories.

she was telling her story now. coming out with
what she'd carried on her own for so long.
facing her family.

empowering stuff.

we talked of the reason for doing such a thing.
that it couldn't be for their reaction. you couldn't
do it because you needed them to react a certain
way. that would be a killer right there.

she knew all about that. was way informed on
that stuff and i was relieved to hear it.

been thinking about that.

that's with everything, isn't it?

if you're doin' something for someone's reaction,
you're gonna get clobbered.

you gotta do everything from the heart.
not for the reaction.

funny timing too.....

i did something yesterday for the first time
for the RIGHT reason.

um....that doesn't mean i don't do ANYTHING
for the right reason.
but this particular thing! it's always been
very emotional for me and very reactionary.
way too many family strings all over it.

yesterday, it was natural, from the heart,
and i really didn't care one way or another
about any reactions i'd get from it.

and i gotta say.......after i did it, i noticed
it. which was way cool. i didn't intentionally
do it. it was natural! i noticed it, felt it and
loved it!

we really can feel when we're dancin' from the
heart, can't we? and i think that may indeed
be when we're empowered!

yay for sue!
i'm celebratin' with ya, lady!

and the universe listened.

there are just some friends in my life
that are reminders for me. they
remind me to trust when i'm all crazy,
they remind me to ask for what i want...
they just remind me of what i know and
have forgotten.

and, delightfully, i seem to be a reminder
friend back. which is awesome cool.

one of these very special friends called
me after i had had a bucket of caffeine recently.
it took a long time of me rattlin' on before
the poor guy could get out that he was
frettin' about something and needed a reminder.

we talked.
we talked of the universe and committing to things
we wanted and believed in....and we talked of
putting our money where our mouth was. and we
talked of trust.

he just called me to give me the follow up to
our conversation.

he did it!
he followed thru on something he wanted.
he believed.
he put his money where his mouth was..........

and the universe listened.

and then! to top it all off, he got a bonus
sign this afternoon to remind him he really is
going in a good direction!

he called to tell me, and to thank me for the
reminder......

i am overjoyed for him right now.
and in my heart, i'm thanking HIM for the reminder!
he showed me once again, right in front of my face..
believe. commit. and go for it!

run slowly

it's soft and gray out today.
was raining thru most of the walk.

zakk was surprised i was going.
i was surprised he was surprised.
i go every morning.

the weather changes make it wonderful.

today the trees were different than
i'd seen them in a long time.
i can't figure out why.
i guess the lighting was really gray.

they had the big black arms reachin'
for the gray....but there was something
darker about them today....not scary
darker, just darker darker.

i looked at one tree that reminded me of
yo yo when he was a pre teen! and then i
saw two trees in one yard that were both
leanin' in such funny ways towards the sky
that i laughed.

i thought of all the goofy ways i lean towards
the sky. (that's where i go for help sometimes)
i've managed some pretty odd contortions!

and then i walked by a field that i don't usually
walk by. the grass in it was the most amazing
color....

i stopped and looked at it, the cars whizzing by...

and then i watched the cars. going by so fast...

i gotta remember to slow down.
it's really crazy here. busy with so many things...
i want to remember to slow down....
maybe make some goofy contortion towards the sky,
and let the soft and gentle in.

i'm headin' out doin' some christmas shopping with
josh today.....gonna keep that in mind while i'm
runnin' around!

run slowly, ter......and let it all in.....

the grocery angel

i got the most wonderful call from my guy tonite!

he was on the way home from the grocery store
with his son.....and said he had to call because
he had a story i'd like.

there was a woman in front of him at the grocery
store. her groceries were rung up and it was time
for her to pay. she was reachin' in her purse for
her wallet when a man stepped up real nice like
and said 'excuse me, i've got it.' and he proceeded
to pay her one hundred and seventy dollar grocery
bill!!!

she actually didn't make a big fuss. she just thanked
him and left.

because she didn't make a fuss, my guy thought maybe
they knew each other. (he and i are forever jokin'
around in stores like we don't know each other)
so he asked the guy......do you know her?

nope.

he went on to explain that he owned his own business,
business was goin' well, he was fortunate and god
was tellin' him to give. he was guided to give to
that lady. so he did.

big smile here.
big smile.

the entire story rocks.
even the part about her not fussin'.
for some reason that makes me think she really did
need it!
and even the part about my guy callin' to tell me.
he knew i'd like it.

his son was in the car with him when he called.
i asked how his son reacted.

'he thought it was weird but cool.'

laughin'....and lovin' it.....

sendin' the grocery angel some love.....

a moment with zakk...

zakk's my youngest. and the least like me.
he's analytical, practical, logical and
very tolerant of my emotional outbursts.

we were just gearin' up to do something on
the computer together, when he stopped
everything and popped up a youtube vid
for me to see of some music group he likes.
oh! it's the same cello guys listed in a
few blogs below!

well....these guys do some song i never
heard of. they have vocals this time. i'm
watchin' and listening and tryin' to figure
out what it's all about.

ohhhhhh wow.....i figure it out.
it's a little controversial, so i'm gonna
leave all that part out here cause it's
not the point~!

so i'm listening and just am stunned by it.
i lean back in my chair. ask him quickly here
and there 'what's the words there?' he fills
me in.

it ends.
i just have fallen back in my chair.
i cover my face and groan.
uncover my face and throw up my arms.
oh wow.
wow.
oh wow.
ask him if it's about what i think it's about.
yeah.

oh wow.
i give this incredibly emotional response.
my face, voice and body go crazy tryin' to
explain how incredible i thought it was.

i look over at zakk.
he's sittin there with this silly grin on
his face.

and i burst out laughing.

what's it like for this logical, under control
kid??? i said that i thought it must be fun
to share something you like with someone who
REALLY gets it and likes it too! and i'm laughing
as i say this.....

he laughs too and says 'yeah. it's cool.'

oh man.....
how'd he get me for a mom?
i sure love havin' him for a son.

and i LOVE watchin' people be creative and
try to say something from their depths.

kinda inspires me...
think i'll go get my hands a little painty....

what would love do now?

there's a question i read in a book
that is floating thru my brain right now...

'what would love do now?'

what a question, huh?
if i could ask that question at every turn,
i'd be doin' good.
well...not just ASK it....but then live
the answer.
yeah....well.....that answer part.....
um....that's a bit of a tricky part, isn't it??

i'm feelin' over my head in a certain situation.
(and no, to any of my friends reading this,
it's not any situation with you!!)

it's a situation that's been overwhelming from
the start. i thought i'd get stronger with it,
and i think i have....but then more parts keep
adding to it. big parts. not just little parts.

i'm really on the edge of bailing out...
and i keep hearin' 'what would love do now?'

I DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE WOULD DO NOW!!!
IF I KNEW I'D DO IT!!!!!

love for me?
love for them?
love for who???

maybe one step at a time and it will become
clear to me???

yeah, right.

well....one can hope.....
in the meantime, i'll just keep floatin' that
question around....

what would love do now.

and i'll try not to scream too loudly that
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

i choose not.

when i was growin up, my whole neighborhood
was like extended family. all the neighbors
hung out with each other and there was a whole
lotta in and out of the houses.

i vividly remember the ladies sittin' around
the table havin' their ice tea.

and they had this air about them....

one i didn't think about as a kid. but one
i can tell ya, i never wanted when i grew up
to be their age.

recently, i walked into a situation with other
women where for a brief moment in time, i felt
like that group of women that used to sit
around the different neighborhood tables.

ohmygosh.
i didn't like it.
didn't want to be a part of it.

i walked into it innocently enough, and it
didn't take long to feel this underlying bitterness
that everyone was carryin' around.

this morning on my walk i called it 'the bitter
old lady club.'

funny, they were prolly all younger than i was!
but they seemed so old.

it seems to me that they took the hurts and pain
and closed themselves down to protect themselves,
did some sorta spin on it to convince themselves
they were getting wise as they got older, and that
the really knew this was the way of life and the
way to be.

ugh.

no thanks.

so i thought about it.
the closing down with hurts and pain part...
that's such a lesson thing for me.
i do not want to do that! and that's such a
natural reaction! but one i think definitely needs
to be worked with. i think that will be a lifetime
project for me.

and the wise stuff........
ya know, one thing i figured out........
those who walk around thinking they're wise aren't.

seems to be part of wisdom has got to be that you
understand you don't know any answers.

maybe wisdom is knowing some of the underlying stuff
and living that.

you know......like how not to close down. and why not
to. or stuff like that. the foundation stuff. maybe
wisdom has that down.

i don't know. not there yet!
but i do know i'm not bitter yet either!
and i want to keep it that way!

i do not want to be part of the bitter old lady club ever!

and i saw what i fear most....
they're protecting themselves.....and in the protecting,
they've lost the living part.

how is it we think it's okay to lose that????
how is it we think it's okay to walk around like zombies
and smile???

my gosh.
because it protects us????
from what???
and at what cost???

if you lose your sense of life and passion to keep from
hurting.....what have you gained?

is the pain that horrible?
if the pain's so horrible that you chose not to really live,
what's the point?

and at what level do we draw the line?
a ton of pain?
okay, maybe.

a little pain?
i've closed down over a little pain.

medium pain?
i'v definitely closed down over medium pain.

at what point do we stop closin' down?

really really good lessons for me.......

i remember reading this line in one of my favorite
books........it said that there comes a time in
every woman's life where she has a decision to make....
will she be bitter or not?

i remember reading that years and years ago.....

i choose not.

you can do anything if you do it with flair!

i absolutely love creativity!
zakk just showed me something on
youtube that totally made me crazy
with enthusiasm!!!

these people are out there in front of
huge crowds in their leather pants,
long hair PLAYING CELLOS!!!
i am not kidding!!!!!

i freaked.
it's just another example that you
can do ANYTHING WITH ANYTHING!

i kept laughing as i watched thinking
of their parents! can you imagine your
cello playin' kid turnin' metal???
oh man.
it's awesome!

i am totally inspired by these guys!

think something's impossible in your life?
watch these guys and change your mind!

i'm in!

i didn't realize this about myself until several
years ago......but i love words!
isn't that funny? hellooooo terri!
i love words and phrases. i guess everyone
around me knew it, except me! but i DID
figure it out!

when someone says a really cool name, i just stop
everything and repeat the name.
anyone remember the movie elf where elf hears the
name 'francesco' and repeats it over and over??
that's me!!! the guys always tease me with that.

when i'm typing an order and there's a neat person's
name or they live on some kooky street, i read it out
loud over and over as i type.

if there's a new word i never heard before (and my
vocabulary is very poor so they're everywhere! which
is kinda fun!) i want to know what it means and i'll
repeat it again and again. and i don't retain anything,
so the same word can get the same play many times over!

when i get an idea in my head that involves a phrase
that intrigues me, i say it all over the place.

like the phrase 'to write love on her arms.'

i'm sure that dating me is trying enough. throw that
stuff in there, and i'm thinking my guy is the most
patient man in the world.

yesterday tho, i tested the limits and loved it!

i had been tellin' him about my visual to write love on
the world's arms. (see post below)...and i kept
using that phrase when i talked.

i knew just tellin' him the visual was pushin' his
limits. but i had vowed to be really open and i thought
it was important. so i was pretty free with it.

he was great. held up well. did good.
you must understand that this is not his kinda vocabulary,
talk, or thought process. it's all foreign to him.

later that day we were out havin' lunch. we started talkin'
about people dyin'. we're gettin' to that age where it's
actually a topic!! it led into a conversation about how long
we had left and how short life was which led me to the
enthusiastic burst of 'WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH WHAT WE
HAVE LEFT?! LET'S FIGURE IT OUT!!!'

get the picture? the man gets points for hangin' in there
this long with me!

so now we're driving. talkin' about it all. we're talkin'
about living in the present, enjoyin' the moments, makin'
the most out of things....all the stuff that you get to
with these thoughts.

he's driving.
i'm in the passenger seat inspired about living.
he's just driving.
he's way way way different than i am. he's done with the
whole thing, decided we just have to enjoy now. he's enjoyin'
now so he's done.

i'm sittin' next to him all revved up thinking it's time
to storm the planet, grab our lives, and DO SOMETHING WITH
THEM!!!!

so then.....it hits me. and i pause in mid rant.
i look over at him.
he's driving.
just driving.
looking straight ahead.
he's tryin' to figure out what he needs at lowes.
i'm tryin' to figure out how to utilize every second
of my time here......

we're quite a pair.

'welllll'........i say real slow and low...........

'what?' he wonders. she's changed gears. where are we goin' now??

'there IS something in PARTICULAR we can do' i say real slow.....

he's driving.
looking straight ahead.

'what?'

'well........we could.....together.....we could write love
on the world's arms!'

i watch his face real close.

he has the best eyes in the whole world. i've learned to
read them from the side of his face too. they do this
real slight crinkle up thing when he's amused and totally
confused.

there it was.
the slight crinkle up thing.

he grins.

'yeah, i guess we could.'

i laugh and clap my hands!!!
he's the best!!

we get out of the car and i'm boppin' around him
as we walk across the parking lot to lowes.
'this could be so cool! we could do this together!'

he grabs the back loop of my jeans and reels me in,
laughs, puts his arm around me and just walks me into
the store.

i'm distracted. there's stuff to look at. he gets
some peace for a bit.

that nite i tell my sons with great glee that he and i
have decided to write love on the world's arms together!!
he, of course, is just standing there with no emotion on
his face except for a tiny glint in his eyes.

the boys are confused.
who???
what???

i just laugh and hop around!
isn't it wonderful?! i exclaim!

no one knows what's goin on.
no one knows what really happened.

i don't either!!
but i know i've got a guy who doesn't know what to do with
me, he doesn't work like i do, he doesn't think like i do...
but he's willin' to hang on and go for the ride!

and maybe that's all we have to do with our time here.....
be present, and hang on and go for the ride!!!
AND to write love on the world's arms!!!

i'm in!

writing love......

i'm not a cutter.
never have been.
never even knew any cutters (that i was
aware of anyway) until the last seven years.
now i know about cutting in very personal ways.
and my understanding is it's pretty wide spread.

floors me. fills me with sadness, sickness, and
sorrow.

that's one reason that website 'to write love on
her arms' got to me so deeply. it's truly daring
to make love it's mission.

i was just writing a friend about it....
how that's what we need to do.
we need to write love on each other's arms.
all over the place.

i'm having my period right now. me and the moon!
right on with the full moon! (that tickles me to
no end! drove home last nite with the full moon
in my face and called my guy to tell him the big
news! me and the moon!! 'that's why you're calling???
he said! i laughed! yes! isn't it so cool?!)

i truly believe it is power time for me.
i love that name for it...and it really feels
like that for me.

i get quiet, reflective and there's something
different inside of me, maybe it's just i can
hear deeper.

this morning i can so easily see an arm cut
and bleeding. and i can so easily visualize
reaching out and holding it. wrapping it to stop
the bleeding. gently washing it, cleaning it.
caring for it. and gently, ever so gently taking my
fingertips and lovingly outlining LOVE across
it.

it's the world's arm. it's your arm. my arm.
her arm. his arm. i can just so feel it this
morning.

it's what we need to be doing. ya know?

i turn to my day and think 'how does one do that
with their day?'

and then i remember....it's power time for me.
i can hear deeper.

and so i'll listen closer,
i'll take a little longer to respond,
and i'll know how to because it's part of me.
all i gotta do is listen...

and ever so gently write love with my being.....

lessons from my guy...

i told him that i was afraid i was
getting too boring for him. his eyes
got wide with surprise and he let out
the most sincere 'ter, i NEVER know
what you're gonna do!'

he said i was all kindsa nice things.
he listed them....and at the end of the
list he said 'but that doesn't make it
easy.'

and he looked so confused i had to laugh.

and then he stopped the world for me.

he reminded me of when we first met.
we were just buddies. not 'interested'
in each other. we could talk about stuff
without thinking it applied to the other.

i had told him that when i found love, i
wanted the real thing. i didn't want to
settle and wouldn't. if i didn't get the
real thing, than i'd take nothing. i'd rather
have nothing than fake or just part way.

he remembered that.
said he's never once forgotten it.
said he knew it was too big a part of me
not to be true.

and we talked of how we wanted to make sure
we never settled.

he talked about his part in the deal.

prolly the most attractive thing about him to me
is i know he can walk the path with me. he's got
the guts, courage and strength. i've never met
anyone like him.

at first i was just star struck again with him
with what he said.

but tonite as i reflect on it, i think of my own
part of the deal.

my own part of the not settling.

he's got more guts than i have. he always has.
he just doesn't believe it.

not settling means fully loving.

and sometimes closing is so much easier than
fully loving.

sometimes i settle with myself.
i settle for closing and part way.

he remembers my words better than i do.

i've been thinking about that a lot....
i don't want fake or part way love.

well....doesn't that apply to the love of
myself too???

i don't want fake or part way.

that's not just about what i receive.
it's about what i give out and what i give in.

stuff for me to think about.......

and once again, that neanderthal of mine leads
me......

family rhythm

ohmygosh....
another painting day.
i'm so beat right now, but i so loved
every minute of it.

i came into the bedroom at one point.
yo was painting the closet, zakk the
wall. and SOMEONE had painted a face
on the mirror in the room.

i stopped.
oh.
oh.
ya think that's okay??

i got real quiet and said real low
'do you think you should ask josh?'

ya know........no one hears you if
you holler out you need the paper towels
or if you holler for anything.
but if you say something real low to
someone in a room........how is it josh
who is all the way in the living room
hollers "what? what's goin' on???"

laughin.....

yep.
he heard.
and walked in.
and laughed about the face.
threatened to do worse when the guys
got their own places.

i laughed.
how did you hear that???

he said 'when you hear all kindsa
commotion and then all of a sudden
it gets quiet....you pay attention.
and then if you pay attention and
hear 'you think you should ask josh?'
you come runnin'!'

i had to agree!

i got up on the ladder with yo below
me. i started painting edges.

opps.

i dripped on yo.

i made this weird noise.

yo immediately looked up. he knew i had
dripped on him from the noise i made!!!

how did you know???

he said 'whenever you drop something on
me, you make that noise!'

what??!!!

how many times do i drop something on him???

these guys are just way too smart for me.
and have all the family sounds down to a
science, that's for sure.

it was great fun.

i heard zakk tryin' to get yo to handle a mess
for him in a sly kinda way, heard yo say
real loud 'no way.' and heard zakk laugh and
say 'figured i couldn't pull that one over on
ya....' and then laughter.

i swiped zakk's cheek with paint when he was
smart mouthing me, and came close to gettin
josh. just got confused by his whiskers.

it was just good stuff all day.

family rhythm.

i love that stuff.

required holiday reading

i am behind the times readin' my friends' blogs.
but i caught up a little bit with a few....

and well......if you haven't read this one yet,
i'm thinking it should be the required reading
for the holiday.

i just cannot express my respect for mary.

i love this woman.

mary's blog.

punishment or gift?

sometimes i really do wonder if there's
some kinda challenges that are set there
for me......i really have to shake my head
and wonder....

i walked. it's gorgeous out this morning.
i spent most of the walk thinking about being
on my own.

it's been somewhere around 7 years i've been
on my own (depends on how you figure it...)
and i thought of how far i've come.

i remembered the beginning days. those nites.
layin' in bed cryin' cause things hurt so bad
and wishin' for either those really strong
man arms around me, or those really nurturing
mother arms. and settling for the blankets
and just aching.

i followed myself over the years, and i saw
the growth this morning. knew i was really okay
on my own. that i had grown so much stronger.

questioned a few thoughts about it.
and came up feelin' pretty good.

and then the test.....

someone from my past has told me that he really
wanted to punish me, hurt me. i knew it already
when he told me, but somehow it helped hearin'
him say it. made me feel less dramatic in my own
mind. i knew it was truth.

he did an incredibly good, intricate job of it.
he wove it together so complicated, i think the
'punishment' will last my entire lifetime.

it comes up at different times in different ways.

bam.
there on the walk.
right in my face.
an encounter that i really didn't want to have.
an encounter that was tainted by his 'punishment.'

what can ya do?
you face what you gotta face.

i faced it with as much grace as i could muster.

as i walked away where no one could see my face,
i could feel the hot tears runnin' down my cold
cheeks. and the hurt fillin' up inside.

i thought of him. i thought of all the damage he'd
done...and i felt terrible.

and then i stopped.
wait a minute.
okay.

are you REALLY okay on your own?
these people just let you know you were on your own,
they certainly weren't with you. they didn't want
anything to do with you...

are you REALLY okay with that?

do you REALLY believe all that you just had thought
about, ter.......

and i smiled.
yeah.
yeah.
cause the part about bein' on my own.....

there was another part to that.....
it was that i don't feel lonely because i'm not alone.
i have strong, deep love all around me.

it doesn't have to be physically at my side all the time.
it doesn't have to be something i can see with my eyes.
it's there. and i know it's there.
it's there like it's never been before.
i can feel it.

it's part of me.
and that's why i can be on my own.
because i've got all that in me.

this other stuff......
it doesn't matter.

i wiped the tears off my cheeks.

i learned along the way that punishment doesn't work.
it actually hurts the person who gives it out.
they are only hurting themselves.
i believe that.
but figured i got hurt along the way pretty good too.

this morning.....i'm wondering.......
was his 'punishment' more of a gift???

have i learned how to be on my own so well because of that??

have i grown into this woman i really like because of that???

ohmygosh......i think it's very very very very possible.

when i can really feel it and know it and believe it and cry
no more tears about it.....i think i'll send him a thank you note.

that may be my test.
when i can walk away from a moment like this morning and there
are no tears.

i had them today.
but i wiped them off and left them on the road.

and i'm feelin' pretty darn good about that........