sharing joy...

i love joy.
it's one of my favorites.

and something happened last nite that got me thinking about
it in a new way.

i just always liked it.
never thought about it much more than that.

well, last nite i found myself sharing pure joy with
someone i haven't even shared happiness with in over
ten years.

it was the first moment in over ten years where there
were no walls, no defenses....and.....beyond all that...
pure pure joy.

i noticed it big time. i watched it.
and i delighted in it.

what a gift it was.

later i got to thinking about it all.
i have people i share my joys with.
people i run to and tell my glad things to.
people i squeal with.
people i share my joy with.

my regular joy sharers.

last nite i was reminded that having those people that you
go to for that is a complete gift. and i realized how big
a deal it was to have them. and i realized what an incredible
thing that is to share.

and i realized who i didn't do it with.
and why.

and i guess that's what it's all about.......

there are people you don't do it with.
people who won't be happy for you, or will rain on your
parade or who won't understand.

and that right there is why they're only so close to you.
only so much in your life.

and that right there is why it's such a gift that you have
the others.......cause they WILL be happy for you and
they will understand and they will rejoice with you....
they will be close to you. they will be big parts of your life.

and THAT is the gift.

and then.......something that hit me really deep and moved me a lot....
i was so happy my heart could do this last nite.
there are reasons i didn't need to feel as open and joyful as i did.
but i didn't even have to think about it.
i just freely rejoiced.

i thought about that later.
my heart opened when it didn't have to.
this is a person i don't share my joy with.
and yet, i could give it to her.
without even trying.

and i was so tickled about that.

my heart loved.
really well.

which gave me my own kinda joy inside......

the power of the mind

there certainly was a theme on my walk this morning.

the power of the mind.

and not the positive power.

i started out thinking of a conversation i had yesterday.
of why a friend was reacting to relationships the way she was.
it made total and complete sense when you looked at her background.

completely logical.
so we took some time to remember that there should be compassion
for herself as she tried to work with all that was inside of her.

and we talked of how she'd have to re-learn.

sigh.

there's that re-learning stuff again.

i walked and thought of how much our pasts direct our present
and how we really really don't even know how much...
and what exactly do we do to relearn?

and i thought of how powerful the mind was.

then i got distracted by thinking of yet another conversation i had
yesterday.

this person uses the word 'tragedy' to lump together a real tragedy
with stuff that isn't tragic at all. my divorce is clumped into the
tragedy catagory which always hits a nerve with me. which is probably
why it came up in my thoughts this morning.

and i started thinking of the word 'tragedy.' how some things really
ARE tragic. and some things aren't tragic, but they make us very sad.
and some things that make someone very sad make someone else very happy.
and i got to thinking of how our outlooks on the things happening
to us and around us will make all the difference in how we handle them.

and the power of the mind came back to me.

seeing my elderly neighbor sitting outside, i went to sit with her a
few minutes. she was having a rough morning. and she told me she hadn't
slept much. so much on her mind.

she needs a new fridge. i've told her i'll help her get one.
but she's fretting over it. we set up a time to go look at them.
she'd been worried about her gutters a lot, zakk cleaned them the other
day. she felt better about that. but now she was fretting over paying
her property taxes. not about the money, but about the act of paying
them. her bank merged with another bank and this has her anxious.

oh boy.
i sat there and watched her face all worried about it all.
i tried to soothe and be understanding. and i knew for a few moments
i could make her feel better. but it wouldn't last and she'd be
awake at nite again worrying about the different things.

as i walked home my head was filled with the power of the mind.

how much of our life do we waste because we're letting it drive us,
instead of us driving it????

all the way thru....at all the stages....

i really think it's something to be workin' on.......
relearning so that we can keep the past from imprisoning us,
using the right vocabulary to wrap our minds around things
in positive ways, and working with calming ourselves and
steadying ourselves......

ah, sounds so logical and straightforward....
think i'll hold a little compassion for myself as i keep at it.

good stuff.....

i read this book years and years ago and really liked it.
haven't picked it up since then.
last nite i picked it up and found this.....
thought it was beautiful and wanted to share.....

from 'the dance of the dissident daughter' by sue monk kidd -

'the moment affirmed to me all over again that having sacred feminine
experiences wasn't enough. it wasn't enough to have a sacred place,
to go to a circle of trees in the woods. i needed to become the circle
of trees, to be the sacred place wherever i went, to dwell so
deeply inside my experience and have it dwell so deeply inside of me
that there was no separation between us.

embodiment means we no longer say, i had this experience; we say,
i am this experience.

you have seen women like this, women who carry their feminine
consciousness, their spiritual wisdom, their knowing, so fully
and naturally that it is written all over them.....

...walt whitman in his preface to leaves of grass seems to be
describing the very quality these women embody: 're-examine all
you have been told in school or church or any book, and dismiss
whatever insults your own soul: and your very flesh shall be
a great poem, and have the richest fluency, not only in words,
but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the
lashes of your eyes, and in very motion and joint of your body.'
>>>>>>

ohhhhhhh......i loved this!
...your very flesh shall be a great poem.....

woe.

talk about a gorgeous goal.....
to become the sacred place.
or maybe to 'allow' it...make space for it,
as i'm pretty sure it's already there.....

mmmmm.......

body awareness

my body's callin' me...
and this time i've noticed before there's any pain!

i'm a big believer in emotions totally affecting your health.
and if your body needs you, it's gonna call you, and if you
don't listen, it's gonna holler...

i decided just before i turned 50 to get a little healthier,
to lose those extra pounds, to get a bit more in shape and feel
good about myself.

it all started out so noble a month ago...
and now it's pretty much about losing weight and sorta lost its
focus. i maybe lost a pound or two. i'm discouraged that that's
it....and thinking this sucks.

that's not what it started out as.....

but last nite, as i rolled over to turn the light off,
i kinda heard my body say 'pay attention to me.'

and so i lay there in the dark just feelin' how i was feelin'.
talkin' to my body. it felt good to tune in.

this morning i remembered as i was on the treadmill.

i could feel some stress leaving me as i moved along and it made
me wonder about all the emotions locked up inside of me (us).

i started moving faster and thinking about unlocking all that was
inside of me.....just letting it out....cleansing myself.

i moved with that intent.
ohhhh it felt good.

i didn't get to any purifying point there, but i sure could
feel the possibilities of really working with myself and being
aware.

and so as i walked i thought about it.
and i don't know how i managed to do this....musta just been in
the right fuzzy frame of mind....but i'd get lost in a thought,
really lost....and then pull myself out of it and think 'okay,
what's that doin' to your body? what do you feel?'

and i'd notice my jaw tensed up and my tongue pushin' against
my mouth.

and then, as if i planned it, i'd fall right back into another
thought and get really lost in it and then pull myself back
and figure out how i was feeling.

over and over i did this.
i even amazed myself.
how can anyone just get so lost so easily over and over again
without trying to do this???
i laughed at myself, was glad it was happening, and tried to
figure out the different things.

there was tension in the shoulders for one thought.
there was lightness for another.

on and on it went.
and everything had something a bit different.

i knew all this.
have felt where my emotions affected before.
this isn't news.

but what's got me is the idea of really really workin'
with my body.

when i started last month, it was to feel better about myself
and to feel healthier.

and it just got lost in the shuffle.
i want to grab that again, but take it one step further...

i want to be aware of my body and what it needs.
ask it what it needs. and listen.

i had started doin' that a bit with the eating.
paying attention to when i really wanted to eat, and how much
i really wanted to eat. when i got full. becoming more aware.

this is like that....only beyond food.

there is now a sticky note on my desk - 'body awareness'
and at least for today, i'm going to pay attention.

there's this whole world of myself i ignore every single day.
think it's time that stopped.....

offering....

there he was goofin' and jokin' and makin' us laugh.

we had stopped to help josh with his new studio.
maybe hang a thing or two and just help a bit.
there was problems finding the studs in the walls.
more joking, more laughing.

then a 'let's go get a stud finder on the way back
from lunch.' he suggests. 'i need a new stud finder,
mine doesn't work.'

josh says he has one at home that doesn't work good either.
i chime in too.....what the heck.....i have one too
that doesn't work good.

'okay then! we need a group one,' he announces.

turns out we go grab a bite to eat, and just head back
to the studio. runnin' outta time.

more goofin', more laughter and we head out.

he was in great form.
and i know he's helpin' me out.
i know this is on purpose.
i had a rough week, and he's helpin' me out with the laughing.

thing is.....

turns out he's got his own things goin' on that are weighing
heavy. heavy hard stuff. stuff he had told me about that morning.

ya know.........that part there has me really thinking.
EVERYONE'S got their stuff.
everyone.
and we just can't get so caught up in ourselves that we forget that.
i was pretty distracted with my stuff.
when he told me his, i just stopped.

wow.
his was worse.

he told me earlier.
we talked a bit about it all.
but there's nothing helpful to say.
nothing i can really do.
'i can really let him know i love him' i thought.
that's about all i can do.
'i'll make sure i show him that today.'

i knew how hard it was for him,
and i knew it was heavy.

and there he was making us laugh.
for me.

later, i forget how, i find out he doesn't need a stud finder.
his works just fine.
'i was just gonna get josh one,' he says.
the group stud finder was his way of justifying buying it.

ah.
i shake my head and grin at him.
he really is the best.

so there we were, goofin' and laughin' all day.
both carryin' some heavy stuff, both tryin' to make it
easier for the other.

and in that caring, there was such love surrounding us.

we've come a long way in learning how to help each other.

and i think that can fade so easily.
we forget,
we get caught up in our own stuff.
not just with partners but with friends,
kids, family.......

it's something to really keep in mind.
and i know how lucky i am to have someone offer it so freely
to me.

it is in his offering, i'm reminded to offer it right back.

and it is in our offering it to others we'll remind others to do the same.

connections

a really cool thing happened yesterday....

i got to witness my friend who's really really sick
'meet' another friend of mine who's an artist.
and not just any artist..
an incredible one filled with talent and light.

i knew my friend who was down would love my artist friend's work.

and sure enough! turns out it was just what she needed!

but beyond that.....i got to watch the loveliness of both women
as they connected. each offering something of themselves to the
other. each shining their lights...

it was so cool to get to see from the sidelines.

i think that's one of my favorite things ever....
watchin' people i love find each other.

what's so cool is that we all have something to offer, ya know?
i love that part.
and then when we reach out and touch each other...
oh wow...there's just nothing like it.

i keep thinking about them this morning and smiling.
women are cool.
they just so are.

toasting these lovely women this morning!
and if you care to check out my artist buddy
you can right here!

one heck of a blog post!

this made me just fall down today.

she was talkin' to me.....

and i thought maybe a lot of you.

wanted to share!

what is in that stuff anyway?!

i have no idea what panera puts in their iced tea....

but i swear, EVERY time i have that stuff, it's like a new me comes
rollin' in.

between that and a business meeting with zakk and yo, i feel crazy
good.

all that stuff that's been sitting on my shoulders this week?
still sittin' there.
and that's okay.
that goes with the post i did yesterday....about allowing that stuff.
making space for that stuff.

it's just where i'm gonna concentrate today is on the business stuff
that we talked about over tea.

i swear, brainstorming and thinking out loud with people helps sooo much!

and talkin' to my friend who's reinventing her life again.
i've been thinking about that conversation.
she reminded me of the beginning days....
of the start of all of this...

she reminded me of how far i've come and where i want to go.....
she reminded me of all i have to feel grateful for...

feelin' rejuvenated!
pass me that tea!

a much needed laugh...

so all the crazy silly happiness kinda landed into some
other stuff.

not such good stuff....
the good thing is that i know the silly happiness is still
there.
and another good thing is the not such good stuff is making me
stop and think about trusting and all that important stuff.
and prolly the good thing that i'm most tickled with this morning
is that it makes me ripe for laughter.

i NEED laughter right now.

so when a friend sent me this, i doubled over laughing.
i posted it on facebook....but didn't want anyone to miss it.

need a laugh?
check this out!

hmmmmm.....

'i feel like such a whiner' she said.

my gosh. i couldn't believe she said that.

her husband died last month,
finances were always tight,
now it's beyond tight.
there was story after story of things gone wrong since then.
each story would have been enough to stress any of us out.
just one of them.
and here there were many.
throw in the grief of this kinda loss and i can't even imagine
tryin' to get by.

there wasn't one bit of whining in her stories.
there was a ton of hardship.

and if anything......there was a ton of grace and hope.
truly. and she didn't even know it.

as i was getting ready to hang up, i reminded her to call when
she was having a hard day. she said she didn't think anyone
really wanted to hear her whining.

i stopped her, told her it wasn't whining and that she was
reinventing her life and trying to figure it out. and i was
always up for talking about that.

and i keep thinking about her.
and the whining comments.
and i think of people i've heard going thru major grief....
how they're told to 'get over it' and 'move on' and all these
maddening things....

i wonder how we've created a place where there's not a space
for this kinda stuff.

everyone i talk to agrees. we need to be able to grieve,
and to fall apart. and as her case so points out....so many
times there's so much more added on top of the grief.
how can we not fall apart?

if everyone i talk to agrees, how come every where i turn i hear
people unable to do that? people apologizing for the place
that they're in. trying to pretend they're not there.

gosh.
a thought just popped in.
it's related to that light in the darkness stuff.
how our speaking our truth and offering our hearts in everything
we do matters and changes things.

well, on a similar vein....what about our accepting our own emotions.
all of them. and allowing the 'bad' ones. the sad, the hurt, the lonely.
allowing them. not trying to shoo them out all the time. allowing them
and knowing they're part of the process.

what if our doing that in our own selves every day helps create a
place for people to do it in their grief?

i've never thought of this before.

i do a lot of 'shooing' myself.
i'm just beginning to learn how to allow the emotions and balance them a bit.
just beginning.
balance is not my forte.

but i like this thought.
and for today, i can try to do that.
allow all of them. and i've got a lot of not so good ones too.
what the heck......this could be really cool.
do this with my friend in mind.
it's not whining.
it's being real.

and it's giving us all permission to be real.

i like that.

just sharin'.....

heard about a young girl yesterday...
a story that totally moved me.

writing for therapy today......
thought i'd share........


it wasn't hers

until she saw that it wasn't hers,
she wouldn't be able to put it down.
and with the way it crawled all over her and covered her,
that seemed impossible to even imagine.
and yet, it REALLY wasn't hers.
she hadn't done anything wrong.
it wasn't hers.
her work would be to believe that.
it would take all her strength and then some.
and when she found that knowing, then she'd finally put it down.


the healing began

feeling dirty, ashamed and damaged,
she hid her story.
not knowing that the woman next to her also hid hers.
and the next woman, and the next.
finally someone whispered the truth.
and their eyes met,
and their tears came,
their heads nodded softly,
and their arms reached out.
holding each other gently, telling their stories,
the healing began.


gently wrapping her

how do i tell her this isn't her fault?
how do i tell her it doesn't take her beauty away?
how do i tell her she matters and she is NOT damaged?
she can't hear me thru her sobbing.
thinking of women everywhere,
of their strength and their survival,
i hold their power in my heart,
closing my eyes, i wrap that power quietly around her,
and i sit and wait.


drop it


drop it.
turn your back to it.
leave it behind.
we need your hands free.
we've got some digging to do to find your light
that you lost along the way.
it's still there,
even tho you doubt it.
it's still there.
and we'll find it together.
and when we do,
we'll fall on our knees in gratitude and joy,
we'll laugh.
we'll cry.
and then gently,
ever so gently,
we'll take it back out to the world.

the smoldering stage

yesterday seemed to be one of those cosmic messages from the universe days.
seemed like i kept turning around and finding them.

so that probably set me up right for my evening when i was beginning
to get a little down about something.

it's one of those somethings that i've been kinda watchin' brewin'.
and i've been kinda wondering.
you know those times when things line up a certain way and you
watch and think 'wow, look at that....that's weird.'

one of those somethings. i've been watchin' for awhile.
and yesterday evening seemed to be when it all did the final click
in place. and i was feelin' a little down. yeah. just sad.

but wait!
ter!
stop and think about it.........

it's a weird line up of life circumstances.
a weird one.
maybe you should go with this and trust it.

now, there's a thought.
trust life.

okay. i can try, i thought.
it wasn't like i was dancing about the thought.
but i was going with it.

and then i came down to a voice message that so made me smile.
someone who had finally gotten the answer she was looking for
with a project she's workin' on.

when i called her she said that she had this heaviness that she
hadn't been able to put down.

hmmmmmm......i've had that in the background of all my goofy
giddiness lately. and i've noticed it....it's what led into
this whole trust thought i just had.

and here she was....thrilled.
something had come to her she'd been looking for.
she was rarin' to go.
the heaviness was over. it was time for her to light her fire.
you could just hear it all over her voice.

'now, if that isn't confirmation, i don't know what is,' i thought
as i headed off to the shower.

'trust this time, ter. and use it wisely.'

yeah.

so, for me, using it wisely means a lotta listening to my heart.
writing, and paying attention.

well, for pete's sakes.......that sounds really good.
no reason to be sad.
well, no.
there is some reason to be sad.
there is.
some of this stuff that lined up so weird makes me sad.
okay.
okay.
so that's okay.

sad can be in there.
you can have sad.

just no reason to DWELL on the sad.
every reason to trust the sad, and trust the whole deal.

every reason to listen.
and then to follow......

cause you got to know it will light you on fire when you do that.

yeah.
i do know that.

this must just be the smoldering stage.

and for me, realizing this shows a whole lotta growth.
so i think i'll just go smolder....

my gears jammed....

as i walked by the first time she tapped on her window and waved.
i waved back.

as i walked by on my way home, i looked over. not sure if i should
head up and knock or not. it was early.
i was looking towards her house trying to decide
when i saw her out sweeping her car port.

ah! THERE you are! i said as i headed up.

told her i couldn't decide if i should knock or not.
and by then i had made it right up to her.

she wasn't twinkling this morning.

i asked how she was.

'sometimes i just want to give up.' she answered.

'are you hurting?' i asked her.

'no, just feeling like giving up.'

'can we sit?' i asked as i put my arm out to her bench.

funny.
what else would i say?
of course i'd sit and ask her about it.

and yet, she seemed really surprised and happy that i cared.

so i sat next to her and asked 'feelin' down about stuff?'

and then she proceeded to tell me that she had some poison someone
had given her years ago for mice and she just didn't know what
to do with it. how to get rid of it. and it was really bothering her.

okay.
i gotta tell ya....
my gears in my head jammed up.

'well, gosh.' i said.
'i don't know what you do with that.'

she thought she'd heard burning it was a good idea.

'mmmm...i'm thinking that's probably something that you shouldn't do.'
i said still trying to unjam the gears.

a truck drove by.
i laughingly told her how i missed the trash truck today,
how i had stopped to fix a plant on my way to bring the trash out
and sure enough, they drove right by me.'

i was tellin' it as a goofy terri story.
'there's always something, isn't there?' she asked seriously.

mmmmmmm........okay.........she's feelin' overwhelmed.
having to take care of everything.
including the mouse poison.

'yeah,' i answered. there is.
and it gets hard, doesn't it?
and i tried to tell her how none of us have it under control.
how we're all scrambling.

seeing i was gonna get nowhere, i changed directions
and went to laughter.
laughed and carried on.
got her laughing with me.
carryin' on with me.

when she was twinkling again, i headed home.

she's been on my mind ever since.
i've got her poison answer now and called her about it.
one of the guys will get the wasp nest out of her car port.
they'll mow her lawn.
and we'll keep pluggin' along.

until she can't anymore. even with our help.

i'm thinking i just don't like the whole old age deal......
and i'm thinking that's what she was sayin' to me in the first place.
of course she wants to give up.
and it has nothing to do with that mouse poison.
and everything to do with that mouse poison.

jumbled thoughts....

i know some pretty amazing women.
sometimes they just astound me.

yesterday on facebook one of these very women posted
a quote from anne frank about believing in the goodness of
the human heart.

i stumbled over it when i saw it.
not sure i do. (believe in goodness the way anne spoke of it)
thinking of what happened to her and the whole holocaust
stuff that had already been on my mind, i just didn't know
what to think. (still don't)

and this friend of mine commented back to my confusion and
said that she's a believer.

the thing is, she's got a background that gives her a place
to speak from. not only working with people with some of the
most heartbreaking stories you'd ever hear, she also had a
gun pointed in her face and she stood there facing the guy
with the gun looking him straight in the eyes.

so she's not just someone who's never seen the crud of life.
and there she was telling me she had no answers, but that
she chose to be a believer.

and then, this morning, i got a note from a friend who is so
talented with a heart as wide as the ocean....and she talked
to me of this very subject. and she ended her note with this....

'there is hope...
there is light...
we're it.'

man.
i just read that and held it.
and then i walked.
and i looked at the clouds.
and on this overcast morning, i thought about being light.

'what if the candle gets weary?' i wondered.
'then a million other candles come stand next to the weary one
and remind the weary one that there's a lotta light out there...
and together, it's way powerful stuff.'

and then, kinda outta the blue, some stuff that's been weighing
heavy on my mind came up. stuff that i haven't known how to handle.
stuff that i've felt bad about because i haven't spoken my truth with it.

no one's asking my opinion, and so i'm not offering.
and yet, they hand me stories to hold.
and the stories don't sit well with me.

and suddenly, in thinking about that with the thought of us being
the light....i just about burst out in tears.
i truly felt overwhelmed with wanting to cry.
it was like the understanding finally landed on me really clearly,
and it was so strong.

all these things......all these things that pass thru our lives,
our conversations, our days....they all matter.
and if we're not the light in them that we want to be, it matters.
it is the stuff that changes the world.

i figure i haven't been the light because no one's looking for
my thoughts. no one's looking for my opinions. no one's looking
for me to offer anything.

so why do they hand me this stuff??
maybe they're just looking for a place to put it.

and yet......if someone hands you darkness and puts it at your feet,
do you not shine your light on it because they haven't asked for it?

and suddenly, with all this other stuff jumbled inside of me,
i knew that i HAD to stop being quiet.

i waiver and say things to myself like 'it's my light, it doesn't have to fit
for anyone else. no one else needs my opinions and thoughts.' and
so i waiver.

thing is....it's not opinions and thoughts. i need to be clear on that.
it's belief in love. it's belief in my heart.
no one has to accept any of that from me. they are free to walk the
other way from me.
but if you walk to me, then you're gonna see it.

because i cannot tuck it away for your comfort.

how funny i even thought i could....

do i believe in the ultimate goodness of every human heart?
probably not.
do i believe that most human hearts have light to offer?
yeah, i really do.
and i'm thinking that if we don't watch it, the light gets
dimmer and dimmer by our keeping quiet when our hearts are
telling us to speak.

and self doubt and fear...they seem to be big dimmers.
when i start feelin' those, i'm gonna take my weary little
candle self and scoot up next to some of these bright candle
flames in my life. and i'm gonna remember....

there is hope.
there is light.
we're it.

sharing a little hafiz....

sat with this at breakfast this morning.....

'hafiz knows:
the sun will stand as your best man
And whistle
When you have found the courage
To marry forgiveness,
When you have found the courage
To marry Love.'

the human spirit....

i watched a movie yesterday that really really affected me.
it was called, jakob the liar, and it was a story that took
place during the holocaust.

i can never quite get over the awfulness and can never quite
understand how it happened or what it is inside us all that
can lead to this kinda thing.

it was just a few weeks ago when we were visiting bob's uncle
that we sat and looked at photo albums of all the relatives.

bob pointed out his great aunt and his great uncle who had
both lost all their families in the camps. they found their
way here, found each other, and built another life for themselves.

looking at this picture of this man and this woman and their
sons at some family event, i just couldn't wrap my brain around it.

i looked at bob later kinda just amazed....told him how i had
learned all about the holocaust in school, had been incredibly saddened by it,
horrified, and yes, had cried about it more than once.
and yet, it was history to me. it was history.

'it's family to you.' i said as i looked at him.
what a difference that would make.

i thought of all that as i watched this movie.

i thought of all the stuff that happens all over the world.....
all the time.....

i don't know what's inside of us that makes us capable of doing what we do.
and it scares me.

and then i think of some of the stories that have come out of all that,
the strength, courage, the will to live...
the rebuilding of the lives....

never underestimate the human spirit....in either direction....good or evil....

still tryin' to wrap my head around it......

all cute and tickled

walkin' by her house on my way home, she popped outta her door.

she hasn't popped outta her door in the morning in awhile.
mornings have gotten rough for her.

and there she was, all bright and perky,
hollerin' over and teasin' me about walkin' in the rain.

i waved and hollered back, and then asked about her hair.

and, of course, i had to go check it out.

'how's it look this morning?' i asked as i wandered up.

and there she was.....her face all lit up and happy and cute.

cute.
yeah....she really was.

i was amazed.
it meant soooooo much to her.

my gosh, i shoulda done this ages ago, i thought.
then i brushed the thought away.
it's perfect just the way it happened. just perfect.

'now don't be a stranger.' she hollered after me as i turned
towards home.

was it the hair or the visit she had loved?

yeah, it was both.
we'll definitely have to have hair trimming dates now.
funny how it takes so little to brighten someone's day...
i really really need to remember that......

i really can't cut hair...

she had joked that she wanted me to cut her hair before.
and i always joked back that she REALLY didn't want me to.

then it got to the point where i just told her it was a really
bad idea, that i didn't know how and she'd hate me and i just
didn't want to.

but she's elderly.
and i know that now it's really a big deal for her to get out and
get it cut. she can't tilt her head back for the washing and well,
i know it's a big deal.

so a few days ago i said i could if she really really wanted me to.
but still insisted it was a bad idea. i don't know how. and it's
just a bad idea.

and there, today, out on her carport, i cut her hair.

i was really nervous.
just to even brush it.
i didn't want to sang it and pull it and hurt her.

so even just brushing it scared me.

and then, as i ran the brush thru her hair, i thought of how good
that must feel to her.

how nice it must feel to have someone playing with your hair.
so i brushed it more than i had to.

and i realized this was a very good idea.
even if i totally messed it up.

i clipped here and leaned over here and looked close and
clipped a little more here. she had a mirror at some point
and was directing me.
she laughed and said together we made a good team.

i smiled.

when i finished, she was thrilled.
just thrilled.
and we sat outside and talked for a good long time.

and i told her that it felt really girlfriendish and it was
great fun that we had done it and now i would be her regular
hair dresser if she wanted.

she wanted.

i smiled as i walked home.
i can't cut hair.
but it didn't matter one bit.

i can love her.
and that's what that car port was filled with.

sometimes i'm so thick headed.
i forget that's all i really really need to do.

happy father's day

ah! it's here!
father's day.
and yeah, i've been a bit wobbly about it coming,
but i'm not so wobbly today.
just a little bit.

i decided a couple of things....

one......i wanted to concentrate on the really great dads
i know. and i know quite a few!
i wanted to think about some of the things i loved about them.

there's the one who just lives for his family, and truly that's
where his happiness comes from. it's so fun to watch the light in
his eyes when he talks of them.

there's the one who fights so hard for his kids tryin' to fix
stuff that's been messed up. hangin' on no matter what.

there's the one who is so in love with his son that he doesn't
really know there's a world around when his son's in the room.

there's the one who has all daughters which totally makes me laugh
and wonder how he handles all the estrogen. and yet, i know he
loves it so!

and now there's so many of my buds becoming grand-dads!

just thinking of all that makes me smile.

i thought of the power parents hold. how important dads are.
so many have no idea.

and i thought of my own dad.

and i thought i'd do him a favor this father's day.

thought i'd release him of that power.
even if it's only for awhile. it may creep back in.

but i think there comes a time we have to do that.
release them of that power.
for both their sake and ours.

let them be human. let them be real and flawed and okay.

and carry our own power for our own selves.

so today, i'm gonna concentrate on all that,
and when i think of my dad i'll miss him....
but i'm gonna work on equal play in my mind in
holdin' the good memories and releasing us both.

he did the best he could.
i did the best i could.

and i'll toast that today....

still a mess......

well, it's kinda comforting to know i'm still an unstable mess.
no. let me rephrase that....i'm still just a very sensitive gal.

i was off my center yesterday and could feel it here and there pretty good.

when i sat at lunch with friends and the conversation turned to
death i didn't want to join in. and i really wanted the subject to change.
when i told noah about it later, he was surprised i didn't just change the
subject. he grins and says 'you're good at that.'
i looked at him and said 'that's how bad it was for me, i couldn't talk.
if i talked, i knew i'd cry and then of course we'd have to talk about it!'
we both laughed at that.

it's father's day weekend, and well, i've been missing my dad.
and the dying stuff hit too close to the topic.
and then, sure enough, the conversation went to my friend's dad dying.
talk about too close to home.

'okay,' i thought.
'i so want to leave.'

i just wanted to be in my studio and not sittin there tryin' not to cry.

and then, without thinking at all about it, i showed up at josh's gig last nite.
he was playin' a short set for the relay for life.
i went last year, no problem.

thing is, this year he played later.
and when he finished they started some memorial thing and had pictures
of people who had died up on the big screen.
the second i saw what was goin' on, my insides freaked and i wanted to leave.
my sister in law is really really sick with cancer.
and i just didn't want to be watchin' this.
it completely unraveled me.

josh had gone off to get water. zakk was out doin' something at the car.
i walked up to noah with a panicked look in my eye and said 'i gotta leave.
tell josh i'm sorry, but i gotta go.'

i couldn't get away from the music they were playing fast enough.

ever since the cleveland trip a few weeks ago, i can't get the shortness of life
off my mind.

it tumbled all over me yesterday.
i know we can't hold on and keep it all the same and keep it all forever.
i know that.

just weekends like this one find me struggling with that.

so much good....

so, okay, some sort of landing took place over here.
i woke up groggy and then it kinda landed on me all that
i had let slip by this week.

oh.my.gosh.
i gotta do this. and i gotta do that.
and ohhhh i'd better do that over there too.
uh oh. i forgot about that.

yeah.
the fact that i'm seeing this now must mean i've come back to earth.

and as i walked, i was hit again with the quickness of it all.
how life travels at such fast speed.
i thought of the mimosa tree i had seen the other day.

you know how smells will just totally bring you back somewhere?
well, for some reason when the mimosa trees flower, it brings
me back just as powerfully as a smell would to when noah was
a little guy. the memory will be so strong it will kinda overwhelm
me. he loved mimosa trees. and i can just see him so clearly as
that little fella.

that happened several times recently.

so as i walked, i thought of that, remembered when the guys were little
and so darn cute.

i thought of bob's kids....and how young they were when we all met.
how the first time i saw dean he was runnin' around in his pajamas with
a blanket tied around his shoulders being superman.

and there he was the other nite, 6'3", huge, and figurin' out how to
get into a union.

huh??
how does this happen.

walkin' back i stopped and chatted with my elderly neighbor.
time going quickly is always stamped on my forehead when i visit with her.

i want it to just all slow down.
sometimes i want to go back and hold the guys when they were small again.
go back and fix some of the mistakes.
go back and hold some of the moments longer.
all of that.

i looked down at my ring.
it just keeps moving forward.
and that's good.
it has such good in it.

i know that.
i just still feel the tugs here and there.

so today i'm gonna do a mix.
rush around and try to catch up and get a lot done.
and at the same time savor and hold the moments.
coffee with the girls in a bit.
sittin' watchin' josh's gig later tonite.
talkin' to the guys about business this afternoon.

so much good.
gonna hold it and know what a gift it is.......

part two of something....

so enjoying confusion the way i do, i think i need to start part two
with a part one of itself.

about a month ago, i blogged about an insight i had. it was completely
unexpected and came from a situation that i thought would really unravel me
and knock me to the floor. but instead, it sent my soaring with an insight that
i really had worked ten years for.

i realized that my leaving the old life of mine was not only right, but it was holy.

that is one heck of a sentence for me to write.

the guilt and self doubt that were involved with that leaving were so tremendous.

and yeah, it took me ten years to get to where i could see that what i had done
was open myself up to really living. which is, as far as i can tell, truly holy.

so that's part one of part two here.
and it's a big deal.
because something deep was shifted.

i do think that shift plays into part two here.
along with a million other things.

things like for the past few months i've been really at some kinda raw point
in my relationship. really at a point i had never been before and at a point
that's been scaring me. i haven't known how to cope with things that i normally
could cope with. i've been wobbly and off and filled with doubts.

and somehow looking at everything with those mixed in, i think everything's been
playin' together to set this all up beautifully. it was like it had to come
to a certain point before it could all happen like it did.

and then......in the middle of a time where i'm a complete mess, crying my heart
out about emotions born way way way in the past that i couldn't let go of,
confused about what was going on inside of me and around me, my partner sat
with me and talked me thru it. and waited for me and loved me. and then he
asked me to trust him, to come with him, and he took me by total surprise and
with words i will never ever forget, he proposed.

it was the situation....the depth of what was going on....the rawness of what
i was feeling...his actions....his words....the trust we had built up together
over the years...the work we had done together...who he is....who i am...it all
came to this moment.

and it was there in that moment that something very very deep changed inside of me.

and i had no idea.
at a top level anyway.
at a deeper level i knew.
and it's taken me days and days to really process thru it.
to really try to see what's goin' on inside of me.

and it's completely completely life changing.

for the first time ever that i can remember, i have put that deep deep baggage down.
that deep deep stuff that says no one can ever love all of me. no one can ever really
love me.

that deep stuff that runs thru every vein, every cell.

i put it down.

i didn't even know if that was possible.
i didn't even know if that's something you can really do.

and i don't know if it's something i'll pick back up or not.
i really don't know.

all i know, is that right now, for the first time in my life,
i'm not carrying that weight around.

and if this is really going on? if this has really really changed
(and i think it has).....then that's something to shout from the rooftops
because a whole lot of us need to hear it........
WE CAN PUT IT DOWN!

ohmygosh........can you imagine???

i've been watching for days now........and i'm thinking it's true.

and i'm thinking that it isn't just because someone gave me an engagement ring.
and yet, i can't stop looking at the ring and remembering a moment when
i finally believed i was loved.

part one of something.......i'm not sure what......

so i've been telling myself not to write about it as it's too personal.
which makes me laugh right now as that's always been the whole point of this blog.
personal and real.

but this time the personal overlapped into another person's personal and well,
i figured i couldn't write about it because of that.

thing is, this is THE stuff i need to write about and share. it's the stuff about
growing and becoming more. so i decided i had to. and i'd just keep it away from
my partner as much as possible. altho, he's gonna be scattered in here because
he's a huge part of the deal.

it centers around this whole engagement deal, but so so so isn't about being
engaged. truth is, nothing's changed with all that stuff. we've been planning
on getting married for awhile now. and the plans are still off in the distance
with no particular time in mind. that all needs to be understood or i'm afraid
the 'romance' of the engagement and ring will be what gets seen, and while
totally lovely, it's truly not the point at all.

truth is, he had planned a 'romantic' setting and the whole deal.....
had the place picked out and that kinda thing. and then it all changed and
became spontaneous and very very real. which, for me, is perfect.

but it's that realness i want to talk about.

cause i believe it's the realness, the work, the love and the timing that
all brought me to a new spot in my life. one where things truly are different
for me.

someone said yesterday that she believes the 50's are spiritual.
and i gotta say from the one short month i've been in them, i'm thinking she's right.

because what's goin' on in me is so completely profound and oh my gosh...
dare i say 'holy'??? and i noticed that this is the second time in that first
month of being fifty that i'm using the holy word for stuff goin' on inside of me.

i want to explore it here.
i want to figure out where i'm going with it.
what does it really change?
and what does it open up for me?

so i'll break here. make this part one. and go type part two.
if you're still interested by the time you hit here,, join me in part two....

a morning bike ride....

we met up for a morning bike ride.
what a morning for it!
so beautiful.
and as we rode along josh said hello to a man who
was weed whackin' the side of the trail.

the hellos were really friendly so i knew they knew
each other.

as we biked past, josh told me he had helped him push
his golf cart kinda thing into a truck one day.
i laughed as i remembered him telling me about that.

on our way back, we stopped on the side of the trail so
the cart coming up behind us could pass us.

sure enough, same guy.

he stops to say hello.
josh says 'richard, right?'
he's an older black guy with a thick southern maryland
accent and a really great smile.
yep, it's richard.
josh reminds him he's josh and introduces me as his mom, terri.

and then he proceeds to ask him all about the weed whacking.
how long does it take him? when he starts at one end does he
start over? how long does it take him?

he asks with total interest.
they joke a bit and then richard heads off.

as we got back on our bikes i grinned at josh.
'do you know not everyone knows everyone wherever they go??'
he looks over at me and says with all sincerity 'i don't know
why not. almost everyone is so nice and everyone has a story.
we really should all know each other.'

i loved this.
not only because it's so josh.
but also because josh just had some drama in his life with
a total snake of a landlady who he thought was a friend. he
got to see firsthand how some people can totally reek of greed
and what lousy things they do because of it.

and still he said what he did.
and still he wants to meet everyone.
i love that.
just love that.

shining her light thru her darkness...

she'd been on my mind a lot already.
and then there were the missed calls and the messages.
with the connection happening yesterday.
it felt good to talk voice to voice.
just to hear her voice.

she's really really sick.
scary sick.
i asked her about it.
she feels that if she didn't hang on with all she had right now,
she wouldn't make it.

i rode my bike last nite and thought of her.
thought of what that must feel like at nite in the dark.
or alone in the afternoon.
or any time at all.

so scary.
and what do you hold on to?
what is it you hold on to???

she also knows that while she may be able to hang on this time,
she's not sure about the next one.
and one of these times, she won't be able to any more.

my eyes tear up just typing that.
and she's living it.

if you would, just take a moment and feel what that must be like.
take a moment and feel the intensity of that and how that
would be all consuming.

and then.....think about this......

in the middle of all that, she asked me about my happiness and
my engagement.

i wasn't going to talk about it.
and yet, the part of the story of the whole thing that moves my soul-
i knew she'd understand and would 'get.'
and it wasn't just about getting it for me.
i wanted to share that part with her because it felt like a
small victory for all of us who have walked around sure we
couldn't be really loved. it felt like something that would
touch her too.

but i wasn't gonna offer it.
didn't feel right.

and she asked.

she ASKED.

i thought of the elderly. how that time of life seems so all consuming.
the self centered stuff takes over and their world is all that they know.
people tell me it's cause their worlds are shrinking, because they are
preparing to leave, they experience so much loss.

i'm not sure i buy a whole lot of that.
i see them shrink on the outside and the inside. and i think it's
such a shame. and i watch and don't want to do that.

i think there's something missing from the whole deal,
and i'm thinking that it doesn't have to be that way.

and along comes my friend.
not elderly for sure. which would make it all the more self-consuming.
her world is shrinking, it's loss after loss for her, she's preparing
to leave...and yet, she still cares about those around her and what's
happening with them.

she still reaches out and loves.

still.

when she has every reason to stop.

THAT's what she hangs on to, i thought.
her heart. the love inside of her.
and yet.....i don't know that she really knows how beautiful it is.
so maybe that's not what she holds on to.

but it's what i hold on to.
cause you see, i have to hold on too.
in a much smaller, tinier way....i have to hold on too.
cause what she's going thru is so hard to witness and not be able
to stop. it's so hard to allow her journey to unfold.

and so, as i ride my bike and think of her,
as i go about my day and think of her,
i think of her heart....of the love that she is and offers...
and i hold on to the beauty of who she is.
she truly teaches me how to live.
she reminds me that we don't have to shrink...
that we can become more...
all the way thru.

she reminds me of who i want to be.
i hope that in return, i can remind her of who she really is.

just gone.....

if you could see me, you'd laugh.
i am completely and totally gone.

i joked with zakk and noah so much this morning that they weren't sure what to do.

i could feel bob grinnin' thru the phone line at my happiness.

i musta looked at my ring ten times as i walked.

and just now, sitting here with bare feet, i wiggled them into
the rug and even my toes felt happy. i mean...they really did.

i started laughing when i caught myself delighting in the
happiness my feet were feeling.

okay, ter. you're a weirdo.

and yes, it's the ring, and bob asking me to marry him,
and all that. of course it is.
but the thing is.....there was so much deep stuff surrounding
all that. some pretty hefty conversations.

and i keep thinking of those things we said.

i keep thinking of things i've carried with me for so long that
aren't so great. sad things. things that can't stand up to the things bob
and i talked about.

i gotta say that again......
things that can't stand up to the things bob and i talked about.

and i can't even begin to describe how moving that is for me.

i keep scratchin' my head, thinking this guy really loves me.
go figure, ter. i don't think you can argue it any more. just go figure.

and all this darn work he and i have done? it makes me totally
totally believe the things we talked about. it makes me trust
what we talked about.

which changes everything inside of me.

it changes everything inside of me.

i don't know what that means for me other than my feet are really happy
along with the rest of me, that i noticed my jeans were so soft this morning
that my legs just danced inside of them and even my legs felt loved.
aand the blue birds i saw were so darn blue that the color almost knocked me over.

the perfect morning

the weather broke.

i love that phrase.

i think cause whenever i say it, i mean the heat left.
and i'm usually so thankful for that.

the weather broke.
as i took a walk this morning, i couldn't believe how beautiful
it was outside.

lifting my face to the breeze, i closed my eyes.

i've always liked the north. i like the colors of the north
and the cooler feel in the summer.....

it felt north to me this morning.

it was one heck of a weekend.
i don't think it could have been any fuller.
the joy of the engagement is the obvious full part.
but that didn't come out of nowhere.
there was a lotta emotions before that.
and then there was the haze of just trying to understand
everything that was going on while still attending one of
josh's gigs and reveling in his music.

this morning seemed to be the first chance to really take it all in
and breathe in what really happened this weekend.

and to breathe it in along with the cool air was perfect.
i lifted my face to the breeze and felt the gratitude run thru me.
i remember starting out ten years ago....
telling my self with such determination that i wanted a life of 'real.'

man, did i get it, i thought.
i so got it.

i don't think anyone could have a more 'real' weekend than i just had.

and i smiled.

it wasn't the romantic scenes from a movie.
it was so scenes from terri's life.

and i tell ya, it was perfect.
as perfect as the morning this morning.

we gathered....

we need to be clear,
this wasn't the meet up of the waltons.
this is quite a crew.
there're reasons we all haven't gathered together in awhile.
it's been a winding, hard, exhausting, gritty climb.
and yeah, mixed in has been some pretty good stuff too.
which is why the gathering could happen.

we gathered at our meet up place.

this is the place we've met for everything over years and years.
where a whole lotta life talks have happened.
there's been good talks, and really really hard talks.
talks where i've left wondering if we can hold everyone
together, and really doubting it at times. and talks where
we've all left laughing and carrying on and feeling great.

it's been the landing spot.
when someone's outta town and landing back in, we gather
there and tell stories. when there's only time for a quick hello,
we land there. when it's time for some laughter and hangin'
out, we land there.

it truly is a place of our family.

and so.....last nite, we landed there.
scooting two tables together outside, we gathered.
right away there was laughing and teasing.

i noticed the man with the laptop at a table really close.
poor man, i thought. he's not going to last long.
turns out he stayed at his place the whole time. which made
me smile. i would have too. it would have been quite a gathering
to sit next to.

he's actually the reason i didn't throw water on zakk at one point.
if zakk ducked, it woulda landed on the man's laptop. he kept
zakk dry.

it's all male.
and the testosterone is amazing.
sometimes it just kinda makes my eyes get big.
i don't think anyone's under six feet tall, except me.
i don't know for sure as zakk and josh are the shortest of the
group, and they refuse to measure themselves because then one of
them will have to claim the title 'shortest' and well...that just
can't be. and so the actual shortest height is unknown.

noah still claims tallest. but we weren't there thirty seconds
before that was being questioned and dean's back was right up against
noah's testing it out.

no question about it, dean could claim most muscular. and he was
basking in the glory of his biceps. i was teasing my guys about it.
which is probably why dean got elected to be 'flower girl' at the wedding.
his brother turned to me to describe the pink outfit dean should wear,
one that would reveal his strong arms but would also include the tutu
kinda thing.

we toasted us and the engagement, and we toasted multiple things goin'
on in the guys' lives. i egged the smitten one on to tell us about his
girl, and we all goofed about how smitten he was. there was catchin' up
on lives, and hearin' news from each other.

and for the amount of testosterone there, i gotta say, there was some
pretty decent ring appreciation. all the guys seemed tickled with it.

there was teasing, rivalry, sincerity, kindness, and a lot of goodness.
that goodness amazed me. it's almost a miracle it's there.
this group is special. to hold on to what was there thru some of the stuff
we've been thru....well......i think it takes a pretty cool group to do
that. and i sat there looking at each of them really tickled we were all
together.

as we headed to the cars, bob and i fell back behind the guys.
and we looked at these big beasts in the parking lot.
i heard them joking and callin' each other 'bro.'

they're huge. and strong. and young. and just beginning.
and i can guarantee you the struggles aren't over.
but last nite i could see where we'd been and i could see where
we were, and i knew we'd go wherever we had to.
and i could see that it was changing.
all that energy put into raising them....it was changing.
and it's coming into our time. our time for us to be a couple.
it's been a long time coming.
a really really long time.
and it's been worth it.

wow

we've been together forever.
we've talked about marriage for years.
and yeah, that's after many years of saying neither
one of us ever wanted to get married again.

so how is it that it all hit me totally out of the blue,
i was completely surprised.....and completely
knocked to my knees??

we've been hitting some pretty deep stuff lately.
and yesterday was no exception.
stuff that needs to get cleaned out of the way to
make space for real love.
'more real love' i should say. as i know we already
have heaps.

it's not easy stuff. and we've been in the middle
of a lot of it lately.

and there, right in the middle of some heavy duty cleaning,
he asked me.

i was stunned.
and so incredibly moved.

and this part....the ring........
i'm really not a materialistic person.
i don't care if there's a ring or not.

but there is a ring.
and it's not just a ring.

it's completely beautiful, made just for me,
inscribed with something just for me, the entire
thing is completely with me in mind.

i've never had anyone do anything like this for me in
my entire life. i can't even express what his doing
that means to me.

i was and am just stunned.
i keep looking at it.

and i keep thinking of the things he said yesterday.

and i can't seem to focus anywhere.

my heart just keeps melting.

how cool is that?

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
way cool.

had to share.......

memories....

it was taking something just mean and using it for fun.
and it's one of my favorite memories.

the creativity involved, the fun, and the just not taking
the mean seriously all added into such a good time.

one of my friends had a sister in law who was just not nice.
my friend tried to be nice to her, welcome her to the country,
all that kinda thing....but perhaps this woman was just insecure,
nervous about being in a foreign country, and just didn't know
how to handle it all. or perhaps she was just kinda petty.

i always had the feeling it was the petty deal.

whatever it was, it hurt my friend more than once who kept trying
to open her heart to her and include her in her life.

at a gathering, i saw this woman be really snide to my friend
and insult her dip made from walnuts. and she told her that the
walnuts were stale.

this totally hit my funny bone.
the whole thing.
her face when she tasted the dip. (i happened to be looking in
her direction and caught the whole thing)
the whole stale walnut insult. i mean, come on. really?? couldn't
you come up with something better than that???
just the whole concept.

on the way home, i told my (at the time)husband about it.
and truly, he had some great moments that i remember and this is
one of them. it hit his funny bone too.

and the stale walnut jokes occupied us all the way home.
the kids were in the car and we just kept at it.
laughing all the way home.
not at the woman.
that wasn't the theme.
that woulda been mean.
and it wasn't about that.

the stale walnuts were the theme.
somehow, that just grabbed our imaginations.

the first thing to happen was a goofy answering machine message.
we liked to make new goofy ones all the time just to entertain ourselves.
this was baseball season and i think the guy's name was mark mcguire.
he was hittin home runs at the time.

so josh and his dad made a message that was like a baseball game
with mark mcguire hitting the stale walnut outta the stadium.
the crowd roared. the whole deal. we loved that one!

and that was the start.

yeah, this may be one of those 'you had to be there' things.......
but when i think back of how we took that and ran with it, i just
laugh out loud.

we had a stale walnut party.
the boys and their dad cut a big wooden walnut out of wood and
attached a chain to it. it was the 'walnut of shame'....we had
everyone come to the party with goofy names they picked for themselves.
no one could use their regular names. and if they did, they had to
wear the walnut of shame until the next person goofed up, and the
walnut was passed forward.

we made fortune walnuts, drilling little holes in the walnuts and
slipping in fortunes.....

josh was a teen then and was instant messaging all the time with
his buds. i remember they formed one of those on line groups and
called it 'the stale walnut fraternity.'

never has one theme carried into such fun.

and what it did was take some hurt for my friend and lighten it and
make it all easier.

it set up a stage for laughter.
which in those days, we just plain needed.
heck, in every day we just plain need.

a few months later, we were all at another gathering
and yes, my friend's sister in law was there.

and yes, my friend burnt the lasagna.

and yes, i was in the kitchen.

and yes, i doubled over in laughter and laughed so hard i
couldn't stand up straight.

and yes, for christmas, i made my friend a burnt lasagna necklace.

sharing stephanie

ohhhhh! i've got one that's gonna knock you down flat!
a new friend of mine, stephanie, sent this my way this morning.

wow!
had to share!

CO-DEPENDENT FOREVERMORE
August 21, 2009

I will love him more than I should,
Give him more benefit of the doubt
than he deserves.
I will accept half truths
As if they were whole,
Believing him, instead of my gut.
I will overlook discrepancies in his explanations.
I will cautiously walk on the eggshells
He keeps around himself.
I will forget who I am,
But remember his mother’s birthday,
Sign his name on a card, and mail it to her.
I will live a lie without even knowing it,
And I’ll wonder why I’m not happy
And why nobody has ever thanked me.

>>>>>>

thought this was incredible....
and thought you'd like to meet stephanie!
she's an awesome woman and........
guess what??? she's got greeting cards!
go check her out!
you'll be tickled you did!

decision list

it was one of those nites......
eyes wide open staring at the dark ceiling wondering if
sleep would ever come.

oh yeah. one of those.

it was hot, but was it THAT hot?
we don't usually have nites like that til august.
i guess between stuff on my mind and the heat,
there i was.

decisions were one of the many topics that ran thru
my thoughts, and eventually my dreams last nite.

it's a lot easier to watch other people instead of yourself,
ya know? and i've been watchin' people around me and kinda
amazed at the whole process.

it's not so much i'm stuck on the decisions they're making.
sometimes i get stuck there. and want to fix things or
change their minds, or run in the other direction.
but this is a bit different.

i'm stuck on the whole obvious process of how those decisions
have some pretty obvious outcomes that suck.
and yet, there they are, making them. and i can pretty much
guarantee that there will be a lot of conversations about
the pain those decisions caused later on. there will be a lot
of wading thru upset emotions.

i am watching them completely set themselves up.

and that's just kinda amazing me.

so, okay.
i know it's not just everyone else on the planet and i am
above this kinda behavior. i never seem to be that lucky.

so it makes me really really wonder about myself.
am i doing the same thing???
well, my guess would be yeah.
that every single one of us is.
maybe not right this moment, but give us a day or two.

which makes me shudder for every single one of us and also
makes me shake my head and laugh at us.

what is wrong with us????

why do we do that?????

so, seriously, why???

so i sit and look at the people i can see right now doing it.
try to figure out why they're doin' it.

'needs and fears' comes to mind.

needs and fears.

shoot, you get those mixed in there and it seems pretty
hopeless to me.

i know i get pretty lost in that territory.

but there IS a question that can help steer me.

'will this serve my highest good?'

i like that question.

sometimes that's a little too lofty and hard to get there,
and a simple 'is this good for me?' might work better.

altho, watching my fellow humans around me, i'm
thinking that one's easier to trick ourselves with.
i can see one person immediately knowing no, it's not,
and sitting and evaluating. but i can see a few others
not being able to see that.

i wonder if the question should be 'will this be healthy
in the long run?'

oh, yeah, that's a good one too.

okay....how about a series of questions?
i need to write them down on a little piece of paper.
and quiz myself with some of the decisions i make.

that could be good.
cause seriously, i'm watchin' this stuff thinking we're
absolutely nuts to work the way we do at times.
so, when do we tweak that???

think i'll write my list today....

how fun!

one day a few years back,
in a desperate attempt to understand that guy of mine,
i pulled a book off the library shelf.

it was called 'personality types' (listed in the widget
on the side if you get so inclined....)

i opened it right up to a description of myself.
not my guy.
it just happened to be all about me.
i had just flipped it open and started reading.
it caught me and i brought it home.

since then, i've bought so many copies of that book.
it nailed me, noah, josh, and bob's sons.
bob and zakk seemed to be too slippery to nail.
but the rest of us got nailed and we were fascinated.

bob actually grabbed the book and started reading the stuff
that described me. this tickled josh to no end. he
laughed and said it was like bob finally found the
'manual to mom.' it really was like that.

looked like he was as desperate to understand me as
i was to understand him!

i highly recommend the book.

the only problem with it was it kinda left you hanging.
you could find yourself and learn some stuff....but i
wanted more. more suggestions on things to help me grow.

well, i just got another book from the same authors and
they definitely have taken it the next step forward!

i am THRILLED with this book and just added it to the little
widget listed on the side here.
it's called 'the wisdom of the enneagram.'

at first, i just flipped it here and there between numbers
(personalities are divided into numbers)
and was reading spotty like that.

and then i started reading the beginning. i never even did
that with the other book.
i had no idea these guys had a spiritual bent!

they are right up my alley all the way around!

suddenly everything i hear and see relates to personality topics.

i'm laughing.
and i'm dangerous to be around right now.
i want to figure out your number!

and i so want to work with mine!

seth

she came thru my email one day.
telling me that her young grandson had tried to kill himself.
oh.my.gosh. i wrote her right back. what can i do to help????
of course, there's nothing i can do. except say i care.
and we become friends.

she posted good news of her grandson yesterday on her blog.
i was so so happy to read it.
and then later, she called.

first time i ever heard her beautiful voice.
she's been the rock behind her grandson.
and when she told me it was official, he'd never have to go back
to his abusive dad, the tears of relief just came right up.

kids and what they go thru with stories like this have so been on my mind.
hers gave me hope.
he was doin' so so so much better. doin' well in school, getting all kindsa
help....good stuff.
still....it tugs on my heart that ones so young have seen so much.
it's a hard thing to accept.
when i struggle with that, i think i will keep this young man in mind.
i do believe his struggles have given him much to offer the world.

i wrote this bone sigh in his honor last nite.......

it's called 'seth'

young in years...old in soul-
he came back from the edge
with a strength that radiated miles.
standing and speaking his truth,
he broke those chains
while we watched them crumble.
free now,
he can tend the fires inside him.
fires that will fuel his life and
the wisdom he has to offer...

his eyes

it's odd how it all shows up in the eyes.
his eyes were showing it big time and it wasn't good.
i looked at them, and put everything aside.

really upset, he came in and told me about it.

ahhhh man, i thought.

this is bad stuff.
really really really bad stuff.

the stuff that damages kids.
and he's on the sidelines watching and getting
really upset.

and it's one of those things that you just stand on the side
with and think 'there has GOT to be some way to stop this.'
and you go nuts trying to figure a way.
and there is none.

you go nuts tryin' to figure out why parents damage their
kids so much. it doesn't compute that parents are just wounded
people and really wounded people can really mess up their kids.
it's so so hard to compute and try to hold.
and accept? not sure if that's even possible. i have yet to find it.

we talked it thru a bit.
i suggested ways he could 'be there' for the young guy,
and i agreed that some pretty lousy endings could happen.
and i understood his angst.

his way of coping is cynicism.
that's always hard for me.
i don't know what to do with that a lot of times.
i just let it roll out and leave it be.

but this time, at one point, i just looked him square in
those troubled eyes and spoke what i truly believe straight
to his cynicism.

no, i don't think you can change the world, i agreed.
but i DO think you can touch it.
in fact, i know that.
i totally know that.
and touching it is no small thing.
and you touch it every single day.
and what you do matters and changes things.
maybe not the world. but things. and yeah, it plays a
role in changing people's lives.
it all adds up.
things add up and that adding up changes lives.
it DOES matter what you do.
and what you're doing is really really important.

it came straight from my heart.
no doubt, no questioning. just a knowing.
a knowing of something i've wrestled with for years now.

i think the sound of having wrestled and come to this
was in my voice.

and i saw him calm down for the first time.

i lay awake after he left thinking of it all.

he's so young.
he's dealing with stuff i didn't deal with til much later.
i wondered what would happen in this story he told me.
and what all he would really be dealing with if things
went really bad.

how could i help?
if i could tell him anything, what would it be????

i think maybe that this is the stuff that hardens our hearts.
this is the stuff that closes us down, makes us lose our belief,
dries us out, sucks our soul away.

the trick....the deal....the work is to not let it.

yeah, right.
i thought about that.

yeah, right.

but i think that's it.
funny, the bone sigh 'strength lies in the opening of the heart'
came up yesterday several times.

i talked with a friend about how i truly believe that's the most
profound bone sigh i have. it's no easy sentence.

it applies so much here.
true strength is keeping that heart open.

i don't really know how to do it.
in the really hard hard times.
i don't know how to do it.

but i do know we have to try.
i'm not sure how or why i know that.
but i really really do believe that.

i think that's the deal. that's the game.
that's the job.

and i think that's what i want to talk to him about.
which means i'll have to figure out why i believe that.

some new ones....

a friend inspired me today.......
her and her beautiful heart.......


salt

taking you past wall after wall,
carrying you beyond the protections
and the hiding places,
it washes you into the open -
to the space of healing and love.
it's a river you must dare to ride
if you ever really want to live.
it begins with a tear,
your tasting of its salt,
and your trusting another to taste that salt with you.
>>>>>>>>>

a whisper

only a whisper came out.
all the screaming inside of me,
and only a whisper came out -
barely showing you the depths -
but at least cracking the door.
i prayed you'd see the opening and enter.
i prayed you'd see me and trust.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

In the corner

unsure i hesitate,
wanting to love you, i don't know how.
you leave me standing in the corner.
filling the corner with light and beckoning you closer,
i wait.
>>>>>>>>>>>

picking it up

picking it up after you dropped it,
i held it for you over here -
your belief in yourself.
your trust in the process.
your acceptance of who you are.
your knowing of your beauty.
holding it and waiting, i smile your way and love you.

darkness and light

a darker story had been on my mind.
not knowing how to talk about it, i kept it to myself.

he was dozing.
i was driving.
my mind was wandering.
the story bubbled up in my thoughts.

turning it over in my mind a bit, looking at the shadows
on it, i realized it wasn't mine.

there was absolutely nothing i could do with it but dwell.

why on earth would i dwell on someone else's darkness?
why would i hold it and look at it over and over again?

i had already decided what it meant for me.
i was done with it.
no more need for it.

put it down, ter.
don't let it drag you in.

and it does drag you in.
darkness does that.

i thought of light.

i want to concentrate on light, i thought.

i want to live light, i thought.

how do i do that?

i drove thinking about concentrating on the light.
offering the light.
focusing. offering. focusing. offering.
being.

it's love.

you have to give it and give it and give it.
concentrate on the offering.
not on the return.

the return gets me snagged.

and i should know by now.......the return is always more than
the offering, even if i don't see it at the time.

i know that.

then live like you know it, ter.
live like you see it.

dance like you own it.

dance in the light.

be the light.

gifts

love is a goofy thing.

a misunderstood thing.

there's so many misconceptions about it.

it's such a slippery thing.

so many needs are wrapped up in it that take it and change it to something
else entirely that it slips away and gets lost.

it morphs into other things when we don't tend to it.

it gets declared as true and real when it's anything but true and real.

it's just a goofy thing.

but there are times, many times, when i can just feel it and know it's
there and it's real and it's healthy and it's good.

there's the obvious times.

and then there's the not so obvious times.
the 'who you are' moments.

moments when you're just talking. and the other person is saying
something. and who they are is so obvious. who they are is shouting
out loud and clear in what they are saying and you watch and you
remember who they are. who they REALLY are. and you remember why
you loved this person in the first place.

i've noticed this.
with my partner, and with my friends.

i've also noticed the opposite thing happen.
when someone's talking and who they are is being shouted out clear
and strong, and it's NOT such a good thing.

yeah, i've noticed that too.

which is a cool thing.
it gives you that gift of opposites.
helps you see what the other REALLY is.

it reminds me of what a gift it is to be stopped in your tracks
by what someone you love is saying. to be grabbed by their being
and to smile and say 'oh man, i so love who they are.'

that is a gift.
it's a gift of seeing,
a gift of gratitude,
and a gift of love.

one small moment that wasn't small at all...

just standing there waiting for him, i gazed around at the people shopping,
the cashiers, the colors...nothing in particular.

until i moved my head to the right.
the big bright happy sign caught my eyes.
smiling, i looked at it, focused and read it.

immediately i could feel my insides reacting.

it was reminding everyone to let their dad know how special he is
this father's day.

and right below that was the big rack of father's day cards.

'don't do it, terri. don't do it. just turn your head the
other way and don't think about it.' i told myself.

i tried.
i turned my head away.
didn't work.
i thought of my dad, and turned my eyes back to the card rack.

the tears welled up as i thought about how i missed him. how i wish
it had all been different.
getting the tears under control, i just gazed at the card area.

no one was over there.

i took a few steps closer.

i don't know why.

i didn't walk up and read the cards.

i just stepped a little bit closer to the rack.
it was like i wanted to be part of it too but knew i couldn't be.

bob came by just then, slid his arm around my waist
and tugged me in the direction we had been heading.
looking down at me, he noticed my face and asked what
was up.

'ah, nothing' i said.
i didn't want to get all into it.

pulling me a little closer, still walking, he leaned
his head down and said 'mmmmm....tell me.'

'ah, i just saw some father's day cards.' i said, trying
to make it no big deal.
but sure enough, i couldn't say it without choking up.
a few tears rolled down my face. i wiped them and kept
walking with him.

he squeezed me a little and thankfully we kept moving.
we were on our way to meet his uncle. it wasn't time.

hours and hours and hours later, we were curled in taking
a break together. all was quiet. i was just resting there
when he said real softly 'want to go up and see your dad
for father's day?'

i smiled. didn't look over. stayed still. but smiled.

he doesn't believe my dad's up at that grave any more than i do.
which, somehow made the offer that much more special.

'he's not there,' i said.
'yeah, i know,' he answered. 'but maybe you'd like to go anyway.'

right there i could hold his love for me right smack in my hands.
it was so strong and so there.
i knew it. and i held it.

i had been thinking a lot about love.
what it was, where it was, how to grow it. all that stuff.
and there it was.
as clear as day.
i held it close.

and then i handed him mine back.

there's a reason we don't see each other much. he has a life that's
pretty demanding. trying to raise a son that needs a lot of care.
i knew he wouldn't be able to do that with me on that day. i knew that.
and i understood. and i didn't need him to.

i thanked him, snuggled closer, and told him he reminded me i needed
to make plans for myself, but that i would, and he needed to do a little
fishing with his son that day.

it was my letting him know i saw him, saw his life, and was okay with
it all, and that i was okay.

it sounds like a regular moment in any couple's life.
but it wasn't.
it's taken years of work for that moment to happen the way it did.

there were a thousand different parts to that small moment.

i knew it.
and i held it.

the thoughts of time passing, people dying, life being choices,
our lives being short and precious....all that tumbled around inside
of me at that moment. and i knew that as long as i'm here, it's love
i want to be working on.

i can't figure out anything else that matters.

the creek

random story number three....

'i'll show you the creek i've told you about.'

and off we went.

now i had a creek too.
actually, i had two of 'em.
put 'em together and they wouldn't have made half
of this creek he was showing me.

the creek he played at for years as a kid.

we parked.
got out.
and started thru the woods.
hopping down a few rocks, we get to a place to stand
and look.

i had thought of poison ivy and ticks.
yeah.
cause i'm always getting both.

but you can't not go wander someone's memories
because of poison ivy and ticks.
besides, i told myself...maybe they didn't have
either of them up this north.
i kept a good eye out tho just in case.

his eyes are intent.
his walk fast and then slow. then stopped.
then fast and slow and stopped again.
i can feel the gears moving in his head.
i can feel the memories dancing from where i
walk a few paces behind.

it hasn't changed a bit, and he's amazed.

we head off to another spot.
walk the path.

it hadn't changed a bit.
same paths.
same water fountain.
same field.

we pick another spot.
and another.
same little cave to swim into.

same little water spots to slide thru the bubbling water.

this creek is one heck of a creek.

and apparently looks the same as it did 40 years ago.
which is beautiful.

there's something about creeks that just totally restore the soul.

there's something about creeks that stay the same after all this
time that totally move the soul.

he's walking the same paths and can't believe how perfect it all is.

i'm walking the same paths he did as a kid and can't
believe how time has passed, and how we've crossed
worlds to find this place again.

and once again the theme of time passing whirled inside of me....

choices

random story number two.....

'tell me about the woman you loved.' i nudged him.

we were sitting at lunch.

we both wanted to hear of things we didn't know about.
new stories. we had heard all his regular stories.
we wanted new stuff.

i had been the only one he had ever told about this woman.

well, besides his parents...no one else in the family had
known.

and so i gently nudged.

turns out he had done all the paperwork to bring her home.
he was gonna bring her home and start a life with her here.
his parents would disown him.
they made that clear.

and still he went back to get her.

and she was gone.

not getting any straight answers, he had no idea what had happened.

it wasn't til later that he found out she had gotten sick and died.

i leaned my head back against the booth.
wow.

his voice was quiet.
'i haven't thought of all that in years,' he said.

we talked a bit of the sadness and of how hard it was.
we honored his loss.

and then...my guy nudged.
'was there ever anyone else?'

he paused and then leaned over towards the aisle.
right away i understood what was happening.
i looked across the table at my guy, my eyes getting big.
my guy didn't catch it.
i just looked at him like 'just wait.'

and sure enough, out of his wallet, he pulled a picture that
was more than fifty years old.

black and white, aged...carried around for more than fifty years.

handing it to me, i saw a beautiful young woman.

'ohhhh she's beautiful,' i said softly as i handed the picture
across the table.

and we heard the story of the only other love of his life.
his six month love affair...
and how he decided to ship out and keep on going, and leave her
behind.

my head was leaning back again, just taking the whole story in.

this time my eyes filled with tears.

we talked of his reasons for making that decision.
we talked of fear and security and youth.

his voice changed every time he talked of her.

he had never told anyone in the family about her.
ever.
for over fifty years.

and fifty years later, she could still make his voice change.

it's gone...

story one in a list of stories.
(see post below)

we're early.
on our way to visit his uncle.

i'm already feeling the nostalgia pull.
missing his dad.
just feeling the passing of time deal happening.
thinking about people here one moment and gone the next.

wondering what all he's feeling.
i ask.
don't get a whole lot.
hmmmm....
okay. i leave it be.

'want to swing by your old neighborhood?
check out your old house?' i ask.

'sure,' he answers as he takes a turn in that direction.

first he'll show me this over here....and then this...

i love the tours.
i picture him as a little guy....then over here as a teen.
i hear stories of his best buddies.
see where they lived.

ohmygosh. you guys did what?!
i shake my head.

different things about him make more sense to me.
ohhhhh that explains a lot, i think.

i wonder how he's still alive, have no idea how,
and am just grateful he's here.

we pull onto his street.

'you'll have to remind me' i say.
'i can't remember which one.'

it's a blue collar neighborhood.
packed with houses.
all of which look very much alike.
one after the other.

'you shouldn't stop right here,' i say
as i see a little girl on her bike. 'you'll scare
her and her dad who's over there just a bit.'

he drives by her slow.
i smile so we don't freak them out.

he slows down more.
there's a pause.

'is it this one?' i ask, looking out my window eagerly.

there's a pause.

'it's gone.' he says.

'what??'

'it's gone. the house is gone.'

'are you playin'???' i say with an exasperated voice.

i lean over further.
and see an empty lot.

an empty lot??

and not just empty.

it's sprinkled with straw.
like they just planted grass.

on each side stands a house.

the lot's not big.
these were small houses packed in one after another.

'seriously??? are you serious??? is that REALLY where your house
was?? are you SURE???' i ask.

he sits there staring at the empty lot, trying to comprehend.

my eyes are wide.

i have no words.

what do you say when your childhood home just vanishes???

gone.

not a trace.

i see the grapevine on the neighbor's fence.
i remember that.

i sit there still.
not sure what to do.

he starts moving again.

'are you okay?' i ask.

'the only house on the whole street that's gone.' he says.
'they had to fill in where the basement was.'

i realize there was a basement. i had forgotten.
he's right. they had to smooth it all out.
i sit there grateful we didn't come when it was laying there all
in heaps. or when they were filling in the basement.

i start to wonder if that's easier....to have missed that part.
maybe not. maybe it's worse.

i have no idea.

and i have no words for him at all.
but i'm so glad i'm sitting next to him.
it matters to me to be there right then.