pass along challenges

you know that feeling when you get really really sick and even tho you're a grown person
who's been sick a million times before, you just can't take it and you just want your mommy?

i remember feeling that way a couple times when i was really sick with small kids running around.
just please, someone come in and make it better. i just so wanted my mommy.

i was on the treadmill this morning thinking about some challenges in my life right now. and i was
filled with 'could someone else just fix this for me please?'

i grinned.
yeah, these are definitely 'pass along challenges.'
i just want to pass them along. have someone else deal with/fix them.

ah, but ter, do you?
do you really?

yeah.
laughing.
i really do.

okay.

okay.

nooooooooooooo.
i really don't.

probably don't.

no.
REALLY don't.

cause i know. i know. it's in the challenges i will grow.

sigh.

could someone else please do the growing???

sigh.

noooooooooooo.
okay.
okay.
i really DO want to grow.

so, okay, i can see the good i can get out of the stuff i gotta deal with.
i can this morning.

altho, lest you think i'm real good at this, yesterday i was pretty peeved at the whole deal
and had to do some physical stuff just to keep from starting a fight with anyone i came
in contact with.

but this morning i can feel some of my old energy back and i'm ready to step up.

and i realize how much having energy makes a difference.

this sickness i had recently, wiped me out of energy like crazy.
between that and the grief stuff, my energy's been totally down.

so the scattered wandering thought i'm trying to share here has two parts......

1. even when we get those challenges we really feel like passing along to someone else to fix,
if we could really look, we'd probably agree that we want to be the ones to fix them cause
the stuff we'll get out of it is truly what we need to travel to better places.

2. don't be hard on yourself if you can't quite grab it and deal with it right away. if you're
energy's off/low, it's more than likely going to have to wait til that gets a little stronger.

that's what i wanted to put out here today.

and a reminder that the energy DOES come back.
i swear, i've felt like mine would never return.....
or never stay once it showed up.
but this morning, i've got the ol' "tackle the world" thing goin' again.
and i'm hoping it stays for more than an hour or two!
cause i got me a challenge i gotta untangle.......

need your help....

this is a real life thing happening to a beautiful family.
they need our help. it's just a petition signing. takes only a second.
stop on by.......it totally matters

http://www.change.org/petitions/idaho-supreme-court-judges-reverse-court-order-that-sends-a-3-year-old-little-girl-to-mexico#share

if my friend only knew......

a wave of grief kinda hit yesterday.

so i decided it was a good time to do errands.
i could go out and about and be alone with myself.

and so i wandered and did my stuff and drove and thought.
as i drove at one point, i realized i wanted things to be different.
i looked at so many things that had happened, and just wanted them to be different.

and i thought about that.

well, ter.........they're not.
they're not different, you can't change them, and this is the way it is.

and believe it or not.....that helped.

i think  i didn't realize i was walking around with the wanting things to be different feeling.

i don't think i knew.
so when i saw that, i could address it.

a lotta times when i pull into my driveway, i'll just look at my house and my yard
and feel a lot of gratitude.

i didn't even notice.
gratitude wasn't present as yet.

i unloaded the car. took a few trips. groceries and stuff.
never even noticed the inside of my house.

gratitude had definitely disappeared.
usually i can't walk into my house without feeling good.

i finished unloading and went out to the mailbox.
and there, right on top of the mail, was this little package with drawn mustaches
decorating it. a mustache monday goodie.

i smiled. picked it up. saw it was from an on-line friend who's got a heart of gold,
and just felt so good.
standing there on my street, holding that package, the door to gratitude musta opened.

cause i walked into my house with the mail in my hands, closed the door and leaned on it
and looked at my living room and kitchen. i could hear the music coming from the attic
where the guys were working. 'i am so darn lucky' i thought.

bam.
gratitude slipped right back in.

my evening was quiet, but way better.

after sleeping in this morning, i poked my head out the door to say hello to the morning.
it was so gorgeous i gasped out loud.

if a morning this glorious doesn't make you want to dance for joy, i don't know what will.

i stepped all of me outside.
the breeze was blowing with a great coolness.
i closed my eyes and was so glad to be alive.

i'm okay this morning with things being the way they are.
some of it makes me really sad, yeah. it does.
but some of it is incredible.
and all of it.......when i hold it in its entirety....makes me feel way way blessed.

as i stood there looking at the sky, i grinned.
all this started with a mustache gift in the mail.
if my friend only knew..........

pondering

just some ponderings this morning.
got an email that got me thinking.
problem is, i was moving pretty quickly when i read the email,
planning on going back to it in just a bit when it was quieter.
not even sure if i grasped the concept that was being expressed.

but that didn't seem to stop my mind from toying with what i thought she meant.

i believe it was that if one didn't hold on to/concentrate on the messed up feeling,
(see post below) then that would land one in an overwhelming sadness of what happened.
and that incredible depth of grief was scary.

so with the disclaimer of that might not be what she said at all - i pondered that thought.

i can only go to my own stuff.
i don't have the self hatred that i've witnessed in people who've been thru extreme things.
so i couldn't really go there.

but i wanted to go somewhere in that neighborhood....

i could go to how i'm really hard on myself sometimes.
like way hard.

okay, that seemed like the right neighborhood.

and i started wondering why i did that.

one thing i know is it's a reaction.
it will just happen in response to something i feel i've done wrong or messed up.

so that kinda makes you wonder about reactions.
are they learned behaviors? habits? reflexes? what?

and why the kicking myself instead of the compassion i offer others?

is it easier?

that's what really was dancin' around in my head.

do we pick the things we pick cause they feel easier?

oh yeah. i'm pretty sure of that.

and then you have to go to 'easier' - what does that mean -
something you're familiar with?
something that feels safe because you know it?

which totally doesn't mean 'easier' does it?

i have thought this stuff and applied this stuff to lots of things before.
but this time it was more extreme.

i certainly would never feel comfortable assuming someone chose self hatred
because it was easier.

but just that thought crossing my mind made me think of my own stuff that i hadn't
looked at as a choice. while i've played with the pondering before, i don't think
i've ever taken it far enough for my own stuff.

and so i guess i'll be playing with that pondering a bit more now........and seeing just
how far i can take it with my life.

thoughts for a friend...

okay, i'm having a thought i was getting ready to email someone.
and i got to thinking maybe it was a thought i should put out here.

not sure if it will make sense, but i'll try anyway...

thru bone sighs i end up conversing with a fair amount of people who
have had sexual trauma in their life. and sometimes when they begin to
share their stuff with me, they feel ashamed and 'messed up.'

'messed up' comes up a lot.

someone just mentioned that to me this morning and i tried to explain to her
that i didn't see her that way at all. she wasn't sure what i meant so i thought
i'd try it here.

there are so many layers to the sexual stuff that it has got to be so difficult to wade thru.
conflicting emotions, confusion, anger, rage, betrayal, shame and so much more.

it's not uncommon for these people to have DID which is what we call 'split personalities.'

scary stuff to share, scary stuff to live, i'm sure.

thing is......i can't help but admire the resilience of their personality. what they did to
survive amazes me and i find them courageous.

they never seem to see it that way. but i do.

so here's the thing......they survived stuff that you wonder how anyone can survive.
they're here. and they're struggling and they're growing and they're trying so hard to
find some peace.

and i can't seem to show them how gorgeous that is.

they aren't messed up.
anyone who went thru what they did would be reacting the same way.
would have the same fears, terrors, pain, agony, confusion.
anyone would.

so if you look at it that way.......couldn't it be seen as a healthy reaction?

if they do indeed have the split personalities, can't we see that as an amazing strength
to survive and cope?

they are reacting normally.

i wonder if just knowing that could bring any sense of peace.

the reactions are normal.

the road to getting to where you can refocus things inside of you, where you can feel more
at peace, where you can start to see your beauty and to grow that......well, yeah, that's a really
long road.

it's a really long road for someone who hasn't had trauma.
you got miles added on to your road with your trauma.

the road's longer. the work is harder. the feeling's lonelier.
but you yourself aren't 'messed up.'
you yourself are coping and managing and walking down the road.

how cool is that?!

you don't see it cause you're clouded with the messed up feeling.
but i see it.
and yeah, i can hold it for you for a bit if you like until maybe you can even think
about holding the idea.

that's what i wanted to put out here.

i told her earlier that if i could do one thing for her, if i could change one thing, it would be
to show her that she's not messed up. i wish i could do that.

i thought i'd at least write out my thoughts here.
and maybe give someone the idea that maybe....just maybe.....they really are okay.

engaged and full of zeal......at least for a moment!

i've been a little bummed at how i just have been a little bit 'off' lately.
i tell myself all the reasons, and they all make sense, but i just miss being 'on.'
so i don't know if 'frustrated' is the right word.....'bummed' prolly works better.
but whatever word is right, i've been feelin it about my feelings. tryin' hard to
accept what's there and be patient. and waiting for more signs of life.

and then yesterday.....in the afternoon......without even noticing it, i stepped right
into the space i've been missing.

i was headin' out in a few hours, had some stuff to finish, and concentrated hard
to get it all done.

when i closed up and scooted around the house gettin' ready to go out, i realized
i had been 'engaged' in my work for the first time in maybe a month.

really truly deeply full time engaged.

it felt awesome.

i thought of the word i used to describe it to myself - 'engaged.'
that's what it felt like.

so what did that mean - well, i was totally into it. absorbed. whole hearted.
concentrated. not separate. not just doing what i was sposed to be doing.
but more like being part of it.

i hopped in the car, put my hands on the steering wheel and looked down at my engagement ring.

hmmmm......

when i got that ring, things inside of me changed. i could feel it. was totally
surprised by it as i thought it wouldn't make much of a difference to my feelings
inside. but it did.

what did it do? i asked myself......and i pretty much got the description i just
had given to the work stuff.

i woulda said i was all that before the ring. but i don't know....seems like i hit
a deeper level after that.

so then i got real curious about this word - 'engaged'.......

i looked it up.
i got all the things you'd expect to get, with a few that stood out and made me smile -

being in gear
partly embedded in or attached to another part
fully occupied

but here's my favorite -

of awakened zeal.

grin.
that's a good one, don't you think?

of awakened zeal.

that's what happened to me yesterday.
for a few hours with work.

and as far as i can tell, if it happened once, it's gonna happen again.

i'm kinda into zeal.
and i sure have missed it.

i gotta be patient and know that if it showed up once, it'll show up again.
and be okay with some of the non-zeal i'll feel in between.

in the meantime i'm gonna hold the words/thoughts of engaged and zeal
and remember them as i do anything....just to be aware of them and open
a space for them to come wandering back in.

altho........i doubt they wander. they prolly kinda zip on in and take over.

and i'd really be okay with that........

nightmares and mantras

had a nightmare last nite.
while i really don't enjoy those, my goodness they can carry powerful messages, can't they?

it's a simple one, but way important.
so thought i'd toss it up here today -

part of my past is keeping me prisoner.

it was that simple.

this morning i thought about it a bit.

and this came as well -  i don't have to give up the things that i value.
what i have to give up is that part itself. then i keep the things that i value.

which maybe sounds like a no brainer.
but somehow this morning it feels important.

i think it's real easy to get confused on that and let that part take us prisoner,
and take what we value with it.

so that was the dream.
leaving me with the big question -
how do i release myself?

perhaps seeing the control it has is a great start.
maybe seeing the damage it's doing.

and maybe a mantra.

i used to joke about those things.....not even sure what the exact definition is.
but i've used 'em....or my version anyway......over and over again. and they help refocus me.

i don't think it should really contain anything about what i'm trying to leave out of my life.
i think what it should contain is what i want to stay in my life.......

something like.......i concentrate on the things i love and grow stronger every day.

something like that.
think maybe it's time for one.

not so baby baby steps

sometimes the deal is just yours.

okay, prolly most of the time the deal is just yours.
but it's not always so easy to see that.

prolly a good amount of time we blame them for it.
we see them at fault.
at least partially.
or mostly.

but sometimes we're graced with a moment of feeling bad
and knowing it's our deal. and no one else's.
and while they may have said something in a certain tone,
or done something a certain way.......that really wouldn't have mattered
if we were steady and didn't have this issue.

so yeah, i had this happen.
and while in the moment it felt bad. i also knew it was mine.
i'm kinda in a place i just wanna feel good.
i'm tired of the not so good.
so my patience is less than normal.

but looking at it all this morning, i'm really glad for it.

because here's what i see......

if i take this and really work with it.....
really make it my deal and no one else's,
well.....what it does is kinda throw down the gauntlet of trust.
maybe the gauntlet of love.
maybe the gauntlet of love and trust and friendship.

it says 'i trust you big time and i'm gonna work this out in me
so it doesn't hurt you. i don't want to take my issues out on you.'

what kinda gift is that to give someone?
and to give to yourself?

so i've been thinking a lot about it.
and coming up with little baby steps on how to start dealing with it all
inside of me.

acknowledging it's mine, understanding why i have it, offering myself compassion
for those reasons, and deciding i don't want it anymore. and doing a few concrete
things to start changing the direction of that flow inside of me.

hmmmmm.....i guess those aren't baby steps are they?

a totally honest reaction

it was one of my favorite moments.
we were gathered around having dinner.
i was standing up, putting something on the table, joking around.
i went to my almost step-son for support.
as my own sons were pickin' on me.

commented on how HE knew i was easy going.

and that's when it happened.
totally without trying.
just naturally.

he reacted to the idea of me being easy going.

it was something between a snort, a laugh, and a choke.

it was too funny.
i laughed pretty hard as i tried to show my shock.

it's the oddest thing.
i keep thinking i'm easy going.
and i keep getting feedback that i'm anything but!

i remember the first time i ever casually mentioned it.
to a girlfriend. just casually saying something about my
easy going nature.

the look on her face stunned me.

i am so laughing here.

apparently i have the wrong definition of easy going.

i think of it as pleasant, easy to be with, not pushy.

they're telling me that maybe it's more than that and maybe i don't quite
have the other parts......the laid back, whatever man, kinda thing.

oh.
oh.

yeah.

maybe not.

and yeah, my almost step son has seen some firm, pushin' hard,
kinda stuff outta me. definitely not what they'd call easy going.

it was my favorite moment of the nite.
cause that reaction of his.....it was true and it was honest.
and it was so funny.

and it made me think of what he and i had been thru.
and the love we were feeling then towards each other.
it didn't have to be this way.
it's a touch of grace in a crazy world.

and something about his snort made me appreciate it all the more.

river moments

it was his birthday celebration that landed us all sitting on a log together
by the river.

looking down, i saw these two bricks that had been mortared together,
and with some water wear, they had begun to look like a heart.

look! a heart!

it can be a heart altar!

and so the ceremony began.
completely spontaneous.

laying the heart altar in front of him where the water could swish around it,
we began putting things on it. there were some pretty rocks, some seaweed,
and a snail shell by the time we were done.

giving a theme to each item, and then giving an item to each person,
we took turns talking about the theme.

there was the wisdom rock for the birthday wisdom he would share.
there was nature, yin yang, pain, dreams, patience.
and each person actually shared a real thought.

i grinned as i listened.
what a journey it's been that while there was joking and teasing about
the whole heart altar/ceremony deal, everyone still participated from
the heart.

go figure.

i thought of what my guy had talked to me about recently.
how we all come and go so quickly, that that really isn't what it's about -
that it's about the connections, the love...those moments that we share.

this was one of them.
there was so much history between us all. so much life traveling.
sharing all that was really what made it possible for the crazy river ceremony
to happen.

 all those moments made this moment.

moments. connections. love. growing. sharing.

i sat by the river with these guys and held on to that little bubble of a moment.
cherishing it. and then letting go to head off to the next.....

trusting the differences

it used to unnerve me when i'd tell him something close to my heart and he'd joke.
i'd feel like he didn't 'get it' or was makin' fun of me or whatever....

silly girl.
i just didn't trust him or it or us or everything....

thing is, no one understands me like he does.
and he 'gets it' in a moment. whereas it takes me paragraphs.

so last nite when he joked, i laughed.
and i snuggled into his arms.
trusting.

for me, that's a huge story.
it's a long road of learning about each other,
sharing, seeing, understanding. building trust.

i think one of the most important things i've learned from this guy of mine is
that just because someone reacts really differently than i would,
doesn't mean their heart's in a different place. but you don't know that
unless you really look and really see.

sounds simple enough.
but i don't think it's simple at all.

cause you gotta really want to look and see.
which means you gotta drop a lotta your own stuff to do that.

it's taken me a long long time to really understand this idea.
and it's in my getting that, that i've grown the best relationship i have
ever had in my life (outside of my kids of course.)

two people can look very different on the outside. but it's getting past
the outside and trusting the inside that changes everything. it's the
looking and the seeing that opens the space for love.

i gotta take that lesson out to the rest of my life.
cause i'm pretty sure it's all around me.
and i'm pretty sure that alotta times i'm just seeing what i want to see.
not what's really there.

my heart and me

i really don't think days come any prettier than the one we're having here now.
it's top of the line gorgeous.

so what a treat to sit outside and take a coffee break with my girlfriend.

she 'gets' me so i find it easy to talk to her about the stuff inside of me.
thing is, sometimes i have a hard time articulating what's there.
but i thought i'd try cause if anyone would get it, she would.

i musta mentioned here the idea i had last week that my heart needed me
as much as i needed my heart. i have the idea inside of me, but articulating
it out loud just doesn't seem to work. i've tried and kinda flopped.

but i tried again.
cause she would be a place to practice.
and i ended up describing it in a certain way that i wanted to share....

it's like if i could take myself apart. there's two main parts of me. the heart and the
rest of me.....i'll just call 'me.'

well, the heart is like the ultimate lover.
the ultimate.
all you could ever want.

i love it, i respect it, i admire it.....it's everything to me.
and you spend years and years just loving that lover. just getting lost in trying
to see that lover better, in listening better, in tending to that lover's needs more.
you just get lost in that.

and then one day, that lover turns to you, and wants you as much as you want
your lover. exactly the way you are. no tweaks, no conditions, completely as is.

that's like what happened between me and my heart recently.
i think that's kinda it.

i've been so lost in caring for my heart all these years.........i never really thought
about it turning around and caring back.

i just never thought about it. i was lost in the other.

and when it did........when i was needed as much as i needed it......
it affected me so deeply.

the self worth involved in that is a bit overwhelming to me.
cause there was no question that i wasn't good enough for my heart.
my heart never questioned it........and i never questioned it.
i understood (at least momentarily) that who i am is exactly
who my heart needs.

i think that's the first time ever in my whole life i felt totally worthy.
i felt worthy of my heart.

how incredibly amazing is that?!

after telling her about it, i'm just all stirred up with it and had to share.
the tears came as i told her about it.
and they come as i type about it.

and i have no idea if it makes any sense to anyone else or not.
but it really tickles me anyway.

cycles

browsing thru 'conversations with god' this morning and nodding.
oh yeah, i remember that. oh yeah that's a great thought.

ohmygosh, i think it's time to pick up this book again!

i was going to offer one little tidbit here and just couldn't pick.

i realized how much i had just been forgetting or ignoring or letting slide.
not sure how long i've been doing that. but i sure could see it has been happening.

and then i smiled.
it's such a darn cycle.

get thru something hard.
struggle.
fall apart.
shut down.
close up.
open again.
remember all you forgot.
try to soak up all that stuff again.
grow a little bit.
and then repeat.

for pete's sake.

good news is i'm in the 'soak up all that stuff again' spot.
ahhhhhhh cycles.
the stuff of life.

the sky!

ohmygosh! the sky! the sky! the sky was soooooo incredible this morning!

and what's funny is it was an OVERCAST morning!
yeah!
but it was the BEST kinda overcast you can ever get.
the kind where you can really see all the layers of gray clouds.
and it felt low....like you could touch it and be part of it.

i walked and gasped and soaked it in.

i felt like it was a direct reflection of what has been inside of me the last month.
the layers and layers of gray.
the patch over there of really dark stuff.
the little tiny bit of light over there.

i had to keep glancing down to make sure i didn't walk into anything!
i was so darn captivated.
falling over a trashcan didn't seem outta the question this morning!

and then! i took a turn and could see the sky kinda turnin' pinkish.
but it wasn't really pretty. it almost hurt. the color actually felt a little painful.
it was like turning from the gray to the light.
it was almost a bruise color.
i thought that was cool.
it was good to start turning color besides the gray....but it wasn't immediately beautiful.

how cool is that?!

and then! there was the sunrise part.......wasn't brilliant colors....
but they were filled with light and hope and that kinda thing.
another gasp!

the sky was just sayin' 'here, look, this is your insides.'
and i was completely taken with how vast (gosh, i love that word....'vast'...
that's a great word) - it was so vast and changing and full.

and then! the sky turned to this deep kinda unusual blue.

deep and full and beautiful.

i just about cried.

thought i'd put a reminder out here for those who might need one like i did -

allow yourself the changes inside.
you are deep and full and beautiful......
and vast.
don't forget the vast.

it's both

i was working with the bone sighs yesterday and found this bone sigh.
it stopped me, kinda grabbed me, and i posted it on the bone sigh arts facebook page.

taking you past wall after wall,
carrying you beyond the protections
and the hiding places,
it washes you into the open -
to the space of healing and love.
it's a river you must dare to ride
if you ever really want to live.
it begins with a tear,
your tasting of its salt,
and your trusting another to taste that salt with you.

the part that really got me was the last line -

your trusting another to taste that salt with you.

we need others, don't we?

we need to let them in.

you'd think we'd just know that and do that.

but it's the darn protecting and walls and shutting out that comes

naturally. at least to me.

i get how we need to do that too. protect ourselves.

but it's both.

don't just get lost in the protecting.

don't forget to share your tears.

way grateful

ha!
the little spring is back in my step!
ha!
ha!
ha!

ohmygosh, you don't know how much you miss it til you get it back.
my gosh.

i care again.
i care about life again.

i care about being healthy again.

i mean, i care in my heart. not just my head.
feels like it's been all just my head for a bit here.
but my heart is alive again.

a ton of it is getting healthy, gaining my strength back, feeling much stronger.

but that's not all of it.

a lot of it is being loved back into life.

and i wanted to acknowledge that this morning.

i am so blessed by this darn goofy guy in my life.
no one has ever loved me like he has.

to have someone just hold on to you while you feel like you're slipping away.
to just hold you and stay there.
to remind you of who you are, and that who you are matters to them.

not who they need you to be. but who you are.

we were listening to the guy who wrote 'who dies' on youtube the other day.
and he (stephen levine) said a line -

'if i want you to become the least different, then you become an object in
my mind instead of the subject of my heart.'

we both kinda leaned back and made a noise over that line.
it's one heck of a line.

i truly feel like the subject of my guy's heart.
and THAT will bring anybody back to life.
what a gift.

feeling grateful to be loved back to the living.
to be getting stronger and stronger every day.
and to care with my heart again.

feelin' way way grateful.

my tree

there's this whole big long 'white tree' story with me from last year.
if you're new to the blog, or just visit here and there, you prolly have
missed it.

the basic deal is that i used a white tree image in a visualization i did
that meant a lot to me. i ended up writing a bone sigh about it.
even named the last book 'her white tree.'

it made a big impact, to say the least.

and then, not long after i worked with the visual - i mean within a couple of weeks,
i 'met' a tree that knocked my socks off. i knew it was the tree that
symbolized what i had been visualizing. and get this - it's a WHITE oak.
ya gotta love that.

it's just over the property line of some land my guy owns. so i can go visit
it whenever i want. and strangely enough, i didn't visit it again until this
weekend. the whole tick situation slows me down. you're pretty much
guaranteed to get ticks when you go. BUT i coulda visited in the winter way
easily. and i haven't. but this weekend...i found myself back with her.

i truly wonder what it is - is it an energy she holds or is it that she's just
the perfect manifestation of a powerful symbol for me? some kinda deep
archetype? or what?

i have no idea.
but what happens to me when i see her is so deep and so powerful.

i stood there just looking at her at first.
my breath was kinda taken from me.
i'd forgotten how much she touched me.
and then i sat and leaned against a tree where i could get a good view of
her. i sat, looked at her and the tears started coming.

somehow i felt like i could touch 'home.'
like some place inside of me that had so long been forgotten
was surfacing. and i could feel it and touch it.

i walked up to her. touched her. looked way way up from way
way below. she's massive. i leaned against her, closed my eyes and cried.
really cried.
let out some of the stuff i'd been holding in.
and then i slid down against her and just sat with her.

i saw these little spiders. they were the color of her bark. they didn't
scare me or bother me. i just watched them amazed at how they matched
her so well and how they lived with her.

bob walked over and looked up. 'she's a wide old woman, isn't she?'
and i smiled.
she certainly was.

as i walked away i looked back several times.
i wanted to soak her up and keep her with me for a bit.

i really really wonder what it is......
energy? symbols? the peace of an old old tree?
whatever it is, it touches me to the core.

a whopper of a sentence

read a great sentence last nite....stopped and reread it.
then reread it again.

then tried to memorize it.
like that ever works for me!  :)

wanted to share........i thought it was a doozey!

'desire wants what it does not have. freedom is the uncovering
of what has always been there.'

that's enough, isn't it?
i read more...and i got so much food for thought.
this whole book is one of the most profound books i've ever read...
it's from 'who dies' by stephen levine.

for my friend

i have a friend who reads my blog.
and man, she is up to her nose...no definitely past her nose...with struggle.

the kinda stuff you watch from the side lines and squirm about and want
to help, but there's nothing you can do but say 'hang in there.' and that
feels sooooooo lame. you might whisper the words 'trust' or 'believe' or
you might firmly remind her that she has the strength and will get thru...
but none of that feels any good.

so i got the great idea of writing a blog for her.

i can write something supportive!~

yeah, great idea.

only problem.....WHAT would that be???

i thought of my last several weeks.
and how i really got knocked for a loop.
what would i have wanted to hear or read?

and i thought about that......and there wasn't anything.
people tried.
but ya see, i had closed down my heart.
so it didn't matter.
nothing could get thru.

and i think that in itself scared me.
to feel that separate on top of everything else.
that's freaky stuff.

as i sat and thought about that, i realized  that probably it would
be good to be reminded that reacting like that...isolating yourself in some way,
shutting off the heart, putting up the walls, feeling like you're not yourself anymore...

all of that is okay.

maybe that's the best thing i can do. is be a reminder of that.

those are things we do to protect and get thru.
and yeah, they feel freaky.
but the funny thing is, they're really big ol' neon signs telling us we can
trust ourselves. cause see, our body/spirit/mind are doin' what they need to do
to get thru. so in a back flip freaky way, it's something to believe in.

great.
all i have to offer is something i'm not even sure makes sense!
that in a back flip freaky way you can trust your angst and isolation.
hmmmmmmm........

but yeah, that'd be it.
those shut off valves are there for a reason.
and we turned them and shut them off to make it thru.
and that's not only okay.
it's good.
and it's something to believe in.

and when the time is right we'll turn them back the other way.

and here's the thing......if you're not sure you will, my friend,
you can totally believe your friends will be there helping you find
a way to do that. you have back up for that.

not everything is up to you.
just most of it.

and you're not alone.
just feels that way.
but that doesn't make it so.

i just lived this. and i just had people who loved me help me turn
the valves back. and yeah, i needed help. and it was there.

i just lived this. i know this. and i want to offer it to you today.

you are not alone.

another bone sigh

what she wanted

to be true to her heart.

no matter what.

could she do it?

yet another test.

yet another deep breath.

yeah.

she'd do it.

'cause truly, there was no other option.

it was what she wanted.

it was what she needed.

it was what she believed in.

back to the warm up...

i wanted a little inspiration on the idea of 'trust.'
i was getting ready to google trust quotes or something when i stopped
and thought....ya know, terri.....it's not like you haven't been down the trust road.
go check out your own website.

and so i did.
i popped up a section looking for a little inspiration.
and with each bone sigh i read, i remembered where i was when i wrote it,
what was happening in my life.

and the tears came.

it's been one heck of a long journey.

wouldn't it.....shouldn't it.......be easier right now because of that?

i could feel the first tear roll down my cheek.

so many memories for me.

and then i read it......the one i've always said is the bone sigh that, for me,
packs the biggest punch, because i know what i meant when i wrote it -

'strength lies in the opening of the heart.'

i remember mentioning that quote in 'the fabric of her dancing shoes' saying
something about it requiring the strength of hercules to really do it.

funny too as when you really gotta do it, i don't think you're at your strongest.
it's not like it's easy access to those muscles.
and those muscles are sooooooo tired and worn out.

i think for me, that bone sigh will always be the one that knocks me flat and
leaves me shakin' my head saying 'you are NOT kidding, ter, you are not kidding.'

and so i go back to the warm up exercises seein' if i can get those muscles moving...

'standing'

i've been writing.......
think i'll post a few of these new bone sighs over the next few days.....


here's the first one.......

standing

stand in your light, she had said.

i thought it sounded so good. so right.

until i wanted to run and hide

and cover my light.

stand in your light she had said.

i knew it was right.

and so trembling, i stepped up,

and let my light steady me.

the rest of me...

i don't know if this will make any sense or not......i don't even understand what
i'm saying.....but it's tickling me anyway so i thought i'd shoot it out here....

yesterday, with the whole heart thing...i could FEEL my heart calling me.
kinda just whispering to me to be in it/with it.

so right there we could get stuck. i mean what exactly does that mean?!
i don't know i can only tell you what i feel. and i could feel that.

so here's what occurred to me - all these years i've been working so hard on
listening to my heart. i mean that's been a theme that's been up top on my list
for years and years. i always focused on my needing to listen to my heart and
open to it.

i have never once thought about the flip side of that thought. that my HEART
needs the REST OF ME.

(and i know, again we can say 'what the heck does she mean?!! and i can't even
really tell you.....i just FEEL it.)

but this thought/feeling just slammed in on me.

my heart needs me as much as i need my heart.

woe.

how cool is that?!

i tried to figure it out logically.
yeah. i really did.

that didn't go so far.

but i got something like being 'one'...being 'whole'....those kinda words....
when i join all of me together.

and when i type this out it feels obvious and certainly nothing to flip out about.
but i tell ya.....how is it i never knew this? my heart needs me!

i always knew i needed my heart. always knew that.

and to add to the oddness of the whole thing.......it helps in the self valuing stuff.
you have to value yourself to believe this, ya know?

so, anyway.......that's all i've got on it so far.
i'm pretty happy about it and completely unsure of what all i mean by it.
which is always a fun place to be in.

thought i'd share the first finding of the thought!

another day begins.....

a dance.
a darn stinkin' dance.
no.
no.
no.
an incredible wonderful amazingly intricate dance.
that can be darn stinkin' at moments.
that's life.
that's the deal with my moods.

it felt so good to listen to my heart yesterday.
i could just feel it again. it felt so good.

and then, this morning two things right in a row knocked me right back into fear.

i read somewhere once that there's really only two emotions - love and fear.

i like that. the more i've toyed with that, the more i believe it.

so this morning i reacted and felt fear.

i reacted to two things.

so that right there is something for me to think about.
i'm not sure i want my life to be about reacting.
and the reacting into fear really isn't what i want.

and so i walked and tried to push myself back to my heart.
well, i tell ya, it felt like a tiny little terri pushing on a very stubborn giant terri's legs.
the little ter was pushin' and grunting and trying. and the giant terri wasn't moving.

so okay. the tiny terri falls back, looks up and says 'well??? is this where you
want to be???'

nah.
it's not.

i really don't want to be in fear today.

so the giant terri scoops up the tiny terri, grins and takes a step closer to her heart.

i don't know if it's abnormal or not, but i can feel that heart of mine.
i can tell what it's doing. and with a little quiet sitting with it, i can get to a place
where i can hear it.

and that's all i want right now.
i'm not concerned with getting to a place where i open it to the world today.
i just want to get to a place where i open it to me today. and then i'll take it from there.

i can do that too.
it's not forcing myself.
it's allowing myself something i want.

it's kinda cool.
and so another day begins......

smiling for real today

it truly was a healing weekend.

there were times i wasn't so sure...but waking up today
with the first bounce of life i've felt in weeks, i knew it truly was.

being sick slowed down my seein' my guy.
that's the advantage of separate houses, he actually can miss out on
the plague when it hits. but i so missed seeing him. it felt like forever.

we spent our first hunk of time in ages together and that's when i realized
something i had been doing.

i had very purposefully and very quietly shut off my heart.

snuggled in talking to him, it really came to me what i had done and why.
and i also realized what a safe place he is for me. how he offers me the
space to figure things out. it never really occurred to me until i was talking
with him. and then it was so clear.

so step one was seeing that. and i could work with it a bit with him.
but i was still needing something else.

and the next day i picked up the phone and called my friend who's like
a mom to me. and sure enough, she was right there jumping in and loving
me and offering her wisdom. and it was thru our conversation i got the
second part i really needed....

she told me i needed to stand in my light and hold the things i knew.
i couldn't talk to her without crying. everything i said was thru tears, and i
told her that i had done just the opposite and had turned my back on everything
i knew.

another safe person. i could tell her i totally flubbed up. and she laughed and
told me i had needed to and it was okay, but where i needed to go was back
to that stuff.

and i knew it. i could feel it.
and i told her the few things i really had learned, the few things i really believe in,
i had turned my back on.

oh that's great, huh?

and as we talked i got filled with this feeling -
you can learn stuff, you can figure stuff out, but if you abandon it when you're havin'
a hard time, then what the heck good does it do you? that's exactly when you need it.
and if you can stand in it when you're struggling, then you know you believe in it.

and i thought about how i wanted to do that.
how i consciously wanted to do that, for me and to kinda honor those thoughts
and beliefs.

i could see two of me.
i could see the outside part standing there dealing with whatever i had to deal with,
while the inside part threw up her arms, squealed, and ran away.

i smiled.
cause that's not unusual.
i think that's what i do when the going gets tough.

so the part that ran away....i called her back.
and we talked. and we nodded so solemnly. let's stand in what we believe.
let's stand there and hold it.

so what are those things?
what are the things i've learned along the way and proclaim all the time?

listen to your heart.
hear it and follow it.
open to it.
trust it.
offer it.
know if you do that, you're being guided in the right direction.

that's it.

opening.
listening.
trusting.
offering.

that's it.

that's where i'm gonna concentrate right now.
and here's the thing....
it's not just words to me.
i could feel all of those.
i know what it's like to open to your heart.
i  know that feeling.
i know what it's like to listen to it.
to kinda step into that realm.
i know that place.
and i soooo haven't been there.

and that's exactly where i want to be right now.
and when you focus there, when you really focus there,
you can trust it.
and i don't  know how the offering comes into play,
but for me, that's a big part of it.

i think the offering might be part of opening.
sorta like you can open to yourself and privately,
but for me, when i offer my heart, i'm stepping into another realm of opening.
and for me, that kinda seems necessary.

so anyway.......that's what the healing weekend did for me.
and i feel kinda trembly excited about it.
quietly, and trembling like excited.

i've just barely started.
but i'm intent on this right now.

and i'm smiling for real today.
and that feels awesome good.

trust, magic and life.........

i just got gifted with something amazing.
a box of books.

a whole box of books that i'd love to read.

someone i knew and cared about passed away and her husband sent them to me.
the timing is soooooo good.
i curled on my couch just holding each one and delighting in them.
what a treasure.
to have a piece of this woman here in her books.
it's amazing to me they found their way here.
i am so grateful to her husband for sharing these.

there's an alice walker in the mix.
and the title made me gasp out loud....

'we are the ones we have been waiting for.'

that is so closely tied with my thought these past few weeks of us
being the the light we've been looking for.

i opened the book right up to this - i kid you not -

'when life descends into the pit
i must become my own candle
willingly burning myself
to light up the darkness
around me.'

i couldn't believe it.
just finding that sorta sparked this stuff inside of me.

this morning trust was sparked.
this afternoon i remembered magic.

i'm going to go sink into a healing weekend.
not sure if i'll surface here or not this weekend.

so i wanted to be sure to post that little poem now.
that's no little poem, to be sure.

to trust.
to magic.
to life.

i'm toasting it all right now....

mowing and thinking about trusting again....

who knew lawn mowing can soothe the spirit?
actually, i think a lotta people know.

it's just been sooooo long since i've mowed!

i swear i used to mow our whole yard (it's pretty big) with one of those
push mowers that have no motor, just the blades with zakk on my back
in one of those baby back packs! wow! when i think of those days.....wow.
i had some energy.

well, no zakk on my back yesterday. thank goodness.
and it's an electric mower now.
and it's the first time i really used it so i had to get the swing of the cord.
i'm not that coordinated....it took awhile.

but i think that helped.
payin' attention to the cord.

i ended up mowing without escaping to thoughts. which at this point is a good thing.
i ended up mowing kinda concentrating on mowing.
go figure.
i sorta had a guy brain for a bit there.
and it felt good.
there's something to be said for those guy brains!
and i only did it for a little bit.
still kinda goin' slow.

but it felt soooooo good.
just to get some sun, some lung fulls of pollen.....
i just so needed to be out there.

i mowed cause i'm trying to get in the swing of doin' stuff the guys do.
so that when they leave i'll do less falling apart.

ya just gotta kinda shake your head.....
i should know better by now.
specially as i'm recovering from a pretty big falling apart at this very moment.
i should know there's not much i can do to prevent the crumbling.
it just kinda does what it does.
wouldn't you think that'd be one lesson i get right now??

today i feel more able to just watch it/me.
today i feel more able to trust it/me.
at least i feel more comfortable with the idea.

today, for the first time, i really feel like i can pick up the word 'trust.'

i'm not doin' anything much with it yet. but i'm holdin' it. seein' it for
the first time in a bit here, and letting the echoes of what it feels like to
actually do that kinda wash over me.

trust.

that's no easy job, is it?
but truly, what else kinda choice ya got?

this 'not trusting' deal sure doesn't work too well.....

holdin' it, lookin' at it, and remembering......

outta whack, outta skew, outta sorts

okay, so the last two mornings i woke up early early and just kinda crazed.

not real fun, but prolly a good sign my energy's comin' back.
this morning tho, when it happened i just felt that ol' insanity runnin' thru me again.

really, gus??
do i need to be freakin' out about everything?
ah...there was peace in sickness. i was too worn out to freak out. too worn out to think.

it's all rollin' back in with a vengeance now.
well, makes sense....i haven't exercised in forever.
and that's always been what's kept me sane.

and so i walked! yes! i walked this morning. not much....and not fast......but still!
it was a walk. and then i pulled a few weeds when i came back home.

ha!

and i have absolutely nothing in perspective.

i'm outta whack, outta skew, outta sorts.

as i weeded, a lotta stuff inside of me was coming out.
taking it out on the weeds felt good.
i was amazed tho at all that was pouring out.

i considered taking a break from the blog.
i feel worthless with what i'm offering.
and then i thought, nah, that's part of the journey.
sometimes you're just in a pit of nothingness.
if you go away, then the pit doesn't get shared.

and the whole point of this silly place is to share the journey.
pits and all.
and so i'm here.

a bit scared, a bit off center, a bit overwhelmed, a bit excited to have some
energy coming back, a bit confused, and a bit teary.

i walked, looked at the sky and wondered what it was all about.
really?? i asked myself. you're back here again??? lost again???

yeah.
maybe so.
i don't even know.

maybe i just really don't even want to know......
it's scary to think of facing all those feelings yet again........

and onward we go....
with the thought 'it's a gift, ter. it's a gift' echoing in the back of my head....

clear and clean

well i'm guessin' i'm getting a course in patience here.
in understanding of what it's like not to have you energy like you want.
and i tell ya, i'm feelin' pretty darn cranky about it right now.
which i take as a good sign.

i've been waiting for cranky to hit.
and it's here!
which means i'm a bit more feisty than i have been.
that part feels good.

so, okay, i got knocked out pretty good.
i'm ready to get back up.
darn it.
i just get a little tired in the process here.

and here's the deal - i want to live good.
yeah.
i do.

i want to live all that stuff i've always wanted to live, only now i've got
this urgency in me that wants it all now!

but it's not 'stuff' i want, in the sense of 'things'....
it's strength, and a sense of humor, and joy and a confidence.
you know what? i think i've had it.....for awhile here....but it hasn't been
defined inside of me. like yeah, yeah, there's this vague feeling of some of that...

but i want to know i got it. i don't want that vague feeling anymore.
i want the belief in it.

not sure that's making any sense.
but it must be an 'after being sick' thing........
where you just had enough of the fuzzy stuff....and you want the clear and the clean.

and i figured something out thru all this.
this is gonna take some work to get back to normal. i got hit hard.
and i'm lucky....it's just a darn passing illness.
i think of friends who's illness isn't passing.
and i realize how lucky i am.
and i realize pretty clearly that this health of mine isn't a forever thing.

i want to grab it and live it.
i still think i'm gonna get tired along the way the next few days.
and i'm gonna try hard to be patient with that.

but i think i have a renewed feeling of what a gift i've got.
and i like that phrase 'clear and clean'....i want it clear and clean.

and it feels awful darn good to want it like this and to know i can take it.
even if i have to pace myself a few more days.

that's no small gift.
to have the gift of life and to want it so much.
that's a great combination!

just thinking about it all.....

it's not what you do.
it's how you do it.

maybe?

sure seems like it.

sure sure sure seems like it.

and so i keep thinking about how i live.

it's an interesting time to think about it.
with the low energy right now.
makes me more aware of where i want to give my energy.

if you only have so much time, so much to give......
how do you want to give it and where do you want to give it?

what a good good thing to be looking at.........

again

and so it dawned on me as i typed a note this morning.
terri, darn it, you're doin' it again.

you're doin' it again. you're doin' it again.

you're not accepting life the way it is.
you want it different and so you're being sad about it.
terri.
terri.
terri.

oh for pete's sakes terri.

haven't i learned anything in this crazy journey??

i never woulda written the life script the way it went, but the thing is,
i never woulda seen all the stuff i could learn from it that way.
it's OKAY it goes the way it goes. actually, it's better than okay.

you gotta trust that.
or spent a whole lotta energy fighting something that you can't change.

oh yeah.

and so i remembered again.
and gonna work on settling down and knowing it's okay.

again.

pacing myself...

my strength is coming back so much slower than i want it to.

normally, i think i'd just be crazed with the amount of work i've fallen

behind with. but that's not the case this time. 

this time, i'm just so anxious to be strong and healthy and grab my life back.

i want to live it filled with beauty and love and strength.

not coughing, needing a nap and pacing myself!

ah, patience, ms. ter. 

at least you know it's coming back. 

at least you have stuff to look forward to.

that's no 'least' of a thing, is it?

patience.

and awareness.

be aware of what there is to hold at this stage as well...

a little fuzzy but still there....

i was driving, thinking, talking to myself, and trying to sort.
i had come upon the 'seeing other people' part of the threads.

i didn't know WHY it was so important to see other people, i just knew it was.
so i left the why, took it as true and kept goin' with the train of thought.

when we met up, i probably wouldn't have even brought it up, but my son
led right into the topic. and so i asked them. would they help me with the why part?

so we tossed it about a bit. and came up with something like this -
the more you see, the more you experience. the more present and open and aware
you can be.

we said it a lot wordier, but when it was finally said, we all kinda nodded.
yeah, that seemed right. i didn't come up with it at all. i just did the nodding.
but it made sense to me.

there's all these dimensions to everything we're experiencing. and i think there's
so much that we just miss, that we won't see. i think that's part of being human.
but then there's so much more that can be missed and unseen if we're self absorbed
and just filtering thru our own little lenses. we miss so much with our own self
absorbed stuff.

yeah, that makes sense to me.

and seeing other people - what they're going thru, what their dreams are,
what their hurts are....it matters. it makes us able to live more fully.
i think that's it.

tying into that just as a side note to someone who might need this side note -
looking for approval from people who can't look beyond themselves isn't gonna work.
you may get approval when you do something that makes that person feel good,
but that would be why you get it. not because of who you are.

so if we're all trying to see better, it would also include seeing ourselves.
getting our own approval from ourselves because we can see ourselves.
looking for it from someone who can't see is is pretty much doin' the same 'not-seeing'
as they are.
if that made any sense at all.  my brain is still not as clear as i'd like it to be.
but for my fuzzy little head this morning, it works. and i like the thought. so thought
i'd try to share...