a little ilk here, a little ilk there......

josh has a gig comin' up.
so he's got his gear all set up in the
living room and he's practicing.

our house isn't that big.....there's
a lotta steppin' over his cords and such
to get to places. and i love it.
wish he'd leave it up there all the time.
i love to hear him play and sing.

so there he is, singin' away.

every time i walk thru i start hollering
and squealin' and dancin' thru, rootin'
him on.

there is no way your mood can take a dive
when that's goin' on.

yesterday, the guy i was meetin' with said
something about my 'ilk.'

my what?!

and it was comedy time at the table.
ilk?
ilk.
ohh ilk.
yeah, you know ilk.
and i only knew by the way he was usin'
his hands and arms and the conversation.
but somehow i knew.

what a cool word.
ilk.

i looked it up and it said your status or
class. but the way we used it yesterday it
was more like your insides.
i like that better, so i'm changing it to
fit what i like.

as i sit here and listen to josh play
i am thinking of his ilk.
i like his ilk.
he has some pretty awesome cool ilk.

and then i think of mine.....
mine's not so bad either.
i can get by with my ilk.

i get by with a little help from my ilk.

what a fun word.

today is good.
i refuse to make it bad.
that's the nature of my ilk.

grinnin' away over here............

grabbin' a bolt and a scalpel

a nice hot shower to change the mood....

and now it's all really got my interest.

i think i want to really watch this all day.

it's almost like my whole being is wired to
do certain things.

but the wiring isn't ideal, that's for sure.

like the wiring hasn't been updated in
centuries or something.
like i need an upgrade.

this old wiring just ain't workin' for me.
in a lotta ways it's workin' against me.

but it's not like that's intentional.
just like it's outdated and i don't know
any better.

for me, that's an important point. i don't
like the idea of the intentionally tryin'
to hurt myself. i like the idea of outdated
protection modes that don't work anymore.
(gotta thank my buddy karen for helpin' me
there! thanks, kar!)

so um......who gives the upgrade?
do i just wait for it....or do i grab a
wrench and scalpel and give myself one???

aha!

i'm not sure i can upgrade what i don't know
tho....so i'm gonna watch today.
see what needs tweaking. what do i do that
i think works for me that really doesn't?

that kinda thing.

i'm just a darn living science experiment.
would that be frankenstein?
or the bride of frankenstein?
excuse me.....how about frankenstein's
very independent girlfriend!

hand me a bolt, would ya?
ah forget it. i'll go get my own.

walkin' away talkin to myself......

okay.
i knew it was bad when i walked by
my neighbor's dog and felt like i
disappointed the dog!

i am not kidding!

me and this dog are another story...
but for now...

even i had to laugh over that as i
caught myself.
ter.....really? you disappointed the
dog?!

great. i shoulda known what kinda walk
it would be from that moment right there.

i spent a good part of it beatin' myself
up about stuff in the past....
oh it was quite a walk.

as i headed back home i thought about the
difference....the joy from yesterday to the
total down on myself of this morning.

it's a choice, isn't it?
i know darn well why it's surfacing.
it's because i'm scared to go meet a bunch
of people tonite.

how stupid is this?

you have a choice, ter.....
joy or beatin' yourself up...or maybe
something else.

hey. what about calm and peace?
that'd be a nice choice.

as i walked i thought about it all being
choices. every single thing.

is it that it's so hard to live the better
choices...or is it the actual choosing that's
the hard part.

for me, i think it's the actual choosing.
i think that's where i get stuck.

if you don't choose one, there's a reason
you're choosin' the other.

what are your reasons for choosing the icky one?

personally, i enjoyed the joy much more!
i'm not sure i can just pick joy. that seems
to just come and pick me.
but! i can choose better than what i did on
my walk. i think i'm up to the task.

let me see....
i think i choose gratefulness.

i can do that one.
i can do that today.
i'm goin for that.

this other stuff.....i'm gonna go put it in
a box, bury it under the chrylser building and walk
away whistling.
(grinnin' at a friend here)

it's not a bad idea, is it?
cept i gotta walk away talkin' to myself....

i can do that.

welcome home joy!

if i wasn't convinced before today,
i am totally convinced now.

i am back.

i am so back.

and i am so happy about that.

i drove to the coffee shop for a meeting
today. as i drove, i was overcome with the
beauty of the day. i was just filled with it.
i felt like the day totally reflected what
was inside me. i just felt overcome with it.

i got a seat by the window so i could keep
an eye on the sky and the day. and as i sat
there waiting, i looked at these flowers.
reds and pinks that were so bright and so
perky they just knocked your sox off.

i looked at those things and smiled. i'm
more a blue/violet kinda person....but the
reds and pinks could not have been more
beautiful. they just made my insides laugh,
they were so perky.

and then........i heard it.
i could just barely hear it.
it was violin music. the place was playin'
some beautiful violin music. it was so low
i could just get strands of it...

i sat there lookin' out that window feelin'
like i was just gonna pop.

everything was perfect.
absolutely perfect.

i felt like everything was a reflection of
what i was feeling....music included.

my small business counselor showed up just
then....

i didn't dare tell him.
he already has enough trouble trying to
understand me.

i just looked at him and smiled.
but on the inside....i was poppin'.

i haven't popped like that in ages.

i am so back.
i could just hug myself.
i've missed the joy.

i have so missed the joy.

real

i wonder if bein' real matters as much
to others as it does to me???

when i want something or value something,
i tend to think everyone feels the same.

like it blows my mind that someone would actually
not want pottery dishes. you're kiddin' me?!

i forget my way isn't the only way.

so the bein' real stuff......
i think everyone must want that more than
anything.

but maybe it's just cause i spent so much of
my life without it..

i don't know.

i'm startin' to think more and more that if you
offer nothing more than that, than you've offered
plenty.

i really really think we shortchange that idea.
and think it's gotta be more.

what more is there?

evolving knuckle heads

we were talking about trusting ourselves...
knowing we can handle things okay.
she brought up what a knuckle head she used
to be.

oh that was easy.
i casually told her that's not who she is
now. look how far you've come, i said!
and she has. she's awesome. and doesn't
really know it because what she sees is
past knuckle head stuff. she's afraid that's
who she still is.

well, okay.
so i turn that on me.
oh no.
i actually hang my head when i remember
what a knuckle head i've been.

i'm astounded and totally embarrassed.

thing is.....if i can see that now, that
alone tells me i'm not there anymore.

but why can't she or i really believe that
we're past that stuff??

and ya know, i like to believe ten years
from now i'll look back to now and hang my
head at what a knuckle head i am now.

i want to keep growin' and gettin' beyond
where i'm at.

thing is......
what good is it if all i can see is where
i used to be???

seems like if i'm gonna do all this work,
i gotta open my eyes.

but openin' my eyes means seein' and believin'
in myself.

way easier for me to tell my friend to do.

sometimes i'm such a knuckle head.

mud's okay too...

it was a great moment....
and a scary moment all at once.

we're doin' something nice for him.
tryin' to make him feel worthwhile and
talented....
he is.
i'm not makin' it up.
but he can't see it.
so tryin' to put it in front of him.
he catches glimmers.

it should have been nothing but a good moment.
and it was filled with tremendous good.

but there's that hesitation in the back.
things good have a way of turnin' sour here
and i just don't want to watch one more
heartbreak.

that's haunting me in the back of my head.

i sit back and think about it.
i guess it doesn't matter.
sour seems to be part of his journey.
and i obviously don't understand his journey.
i just need to try to offer the good....
and know that it's okay if the good lands
in the mud.

cause maybe once you let good out....
even if it lands in the mud....it's still out
there somewhere.

maybe it's just lettin' the good out...
maybe that's all you can do.

maybe i need to learn to accept mud along the
way without making judgment calls.

man......
i wonder if i'll ever get any of this down.....

scalped gorillas

i doubled over laughing.
i had to grab the chair and
fall into it.
i laughed so hard i cried and
couldn't breathe.

i'm still laughing thinking about it.

i was cuttin' the guys' hair...
and well...it's too hard to explain...
but um.....wasn't thinking.....got mixed
up on what razor setting the thing was on...
was just too quick...

whhoooozzzzzz...
i just did this....this.....this.....
scalping thing to yo yo!!!!!!

i gasped the second i did it and then
doubled over.

josh who was walkin' around with bleach
all over his head howled. he just howled.

and yo....
god bless yo....
he started laughing really hard.

you know.
i am SO thankful yo isn't a girl right now.
he/she would burst into tears and then killed
me.

we fixed it.
yeah.
we made it okay.
you can't really tell.
oh man.
i'm still laughing.

when i could breathe again i tried to scold
josh for laughing. told him he wasn't much
help. he said there was nothing better then
hearin' me gasp like that when giving one
of his brothers a haircut.

it's the rich thing again..
it crept back in. as i tried to get the
laughin' under control....i realized once
again......i am the richest darn person
in the world....

i love these gorillas....
even the scalped one.

just ask

ohmygosh have i missed her!
no one else throws all these flaky thoughts
my way in such a casual every day manner.

she ALWAYS gives me food for thought.

funny.
it came up in such an odd way.
of where i was goin' next.

i've been thinking on that.
she didn't know that.
and bam.
she throws out an idea i had never even
thought of before.

just as casual as anything.

and then she did her sweet nurturing nudge...

just take you walk, ter, and ask.

i used to be so much better about asking.

and listening.

just take your walk, ter, and ask.

what a concept.
why do i always forget that one???

highlights

he would argue the point.
and i know he'd claim some much prettier
moment as his favorite of the day.

but i had a favorite moment that you
wouldn't think would be it.

it's when he told me something that
didn't feel good today.

it hurt at first. and i felt like crying.
i had been tryin' so hard, and it felt
sucky after tryin' so hard.

here's the good part....

i knew he'd never say it unless he meant it.
he doesn't use words to hurt on purpose.
if he's sayin' it, he means it.

and because i know that and trust it....
i could hear him.

i didn't think it was fair and asked him
about it.
he didn't back down.
and explained what he meant.

oh.
oh.
oh that.

oh yeah.
maybe he had a point.

and he explained more.
oh yeah. he definitely had a point.

i agreed, and apologized.
and got the point...and will try to be
more aware of it from now on.

later on i pointed that out to him.
said 'ya know what was the best part of
the whole thing...when you told me....
and i heard you.'

he said he noticed that.
good thing. it was a pretty awesome
thing to notice.

to me it showed a lotta respect on both
sides.
he respects me enough to say it when it's
hard...and i respect him enough to hear it
when it's hard.
and.
i know that's returned both ways.

i don't remember ever trusting anyone quite
so much.

funny.....it felt so yucky at first.
now it's my highlight of the day.

a little help from my friends....

so. okay.
i sat myself down, had a talk with myself.
told myself not to close down.

so.
yeah.
then there was this huge wrestling match
inside me.

oh man.

wouldn't you think it'd get easier as you
went along???

and well.....to be fair.......i guess it has.
in a way. the struggles come at different times
now. they aren't as quick.
but still totally as intense.

so i had help.
help not to close.
thank goodness.

he knew it was happening.
guess he's been down this road before, huh?
and asked about it.

there's a trick tho....
he asks the right way.
with a 'help me so i can understand' thing
thrown in there.

shoot.

if someone asks me to help them.....
then my nature is to help them.

so that works well.
i think he knows that.
it gives me the nudge to try harder.

that really helps me.

i couldn't have opened today without him.
true.
and yet, i know he's a huge part of the
reasons i wanted to close.

so.
i sit here and wonder.......
does opening...really opening....take
more than one person? do i need more than
me to make it happen?

well. yeah. i guess. you need someone to
open to. no brainer.
but i mean it differently....
i need that trust in him to make it happen.

that's trust outside of myself.....

do i need that to make it happen?

how does that play in to it all?

and then yet at the same time it's the pushing
of those trust limits that make the closing
start in the first place.

this has got to be one of those yin yangy
things. where the opposites intertwine
with each other and make me crazy.

tweakin'

okay.
so now i'm stuck thinking on runnin'.
(see post below)

man.

sometimes it's as natural as breathing
to me and i don't even know i'm doin' it.

i feel it inside me today....
and i know i can go into run mode all around
me.

phooey.

i hate that.

i don't want to do it.
and yet it takes SO SO SO much energy
not to.

ya know what it takes?
trust.
that darn stinkin' trust stuff.

and courage.

i'm not so good at courage.
and apparently not so good at trust.

but i know i can do it.
if i have to.

and well....
i keep sayin' i've come back to life.
i'm back to my ol' self.
no, i even say i'm further along and
in a better spot.

so, ter.

put your money where your mouth is.

do you make it a runnin' day....
or do you make it a trustin' day.

shoot.

shoot.

okay.
okay.
okay.

it's a trust day.
but i gotta go do a major mind adjustment....

what the heck.

hand me the trust, i got some tweakin' to do....

runnin'

she's always been symbolic to me.

and you know, that's not fair, is it?
i told her goin' in to the whole thing...
she felt like a mom to me, and it felt like
i really needed one.

she told me goin' in......she had lost a
daughter to adoption who would be my age....
and that was okay with her.

but it's not okay.
it's okay to love someone really deeply,
and to care....and to need them in some ways.

but it's not okay to look at them for stuff
we can give ourselves.....or even for stuff
that no one can give us.

i'm tellin' myself this now because i just
hung up with her. it's been way too long since
we've chatted. and as i hung up i saw how
much i've missed her.

and it hit me as to why i've been so distant
lately.....there's been a lot on my plate, yes.
but she's the one i always went to when life
was too much for me. so that's not it.

what is it, ter?
oh.
yeah.
yeah.
um.

i ran and hid from her.
i thought i was gonna lose her. and it was just
too much in a string of too many things.

and so i stepped aside....
tried to distance myself.

man.
how dumb is that?
how selfish is that?
how is it i keep thinking running is a protection??

running is not a protection, girl.
and you have got to stop doin' it.

all this talk of opening your heart....
and you sure are an expert at closing it.

she's a treasure in my life.
and as far as i can see, we only have a certain
time with treasures. we gotta grab 'em and be
grateful for the time we have.

and when it's over......we have to look at
what we had. not what we lost.

if i hide from it now.....what have i got???

i think i have a phone call to make......

one by one...then my turn.

it was the oddest thing.
i never noticed it before.
yet, now that i think on it,
i'm thinking it's been there forever
with this group.

one by one they would need something....
no, not a cup of water...
but maybe a place to go to get grounded,
a place to go to get a little extra assurance,
i don't know. it wasn't always clear to me.
but tonite, i felt it each time.

and it's funny i saw it tonite...when they
all looked like huge men to me...not little
boys. you'd think i'd see it when they were
younger. and yeah, i guess i did. but it didn't
stand out cause they were younger and of course
they did that.

i guess i just didn't expect these horses to
need it.

but i think there were a lotta issues runnin'
thru each big horse of a guy and they needed it.

i saw it and honored it each time.

i looked at them with love, asked them about
themselves, and tried to find what they needed
from me. then i slipped it in there without them
even knowin' i was doin' it.

funny.
i think it's me that needs it right now.

so.
why not?
why the heck not.

i can look at myself with love,
ask myself what i need and try to find
out what i need from within.

huh.
good idea, ter.....

think the first thing i need is a hot
shower........

processin' the day....

ohmygosh. i made it thru.
and i think it went real nice and everyone was
happy, and the testosterone didn't do me in.

i think what's doin' me in is the estrogen.

the seein' everybody. the seein' inside and
what was goin' on with them.
is that estrogen related??

ohmygosh.
the mix of people and things goin' on with them
is amazing.

and i happen to see and love each person there...
and yeah, i tried to connect with every stinkin'
one of 'em and be there for each one.

i'm in the middle of processing.
but it's makin' me sad.
and i'm tryn' to figure out why....

i guess it's just life and wishin' i could make
everyone's heart okay. and the knowing i can't.

and then there's josh...in the middle of it,
we all went to check out a house he's now putting
an offer on.
he's been thru this road a few times, so we're not
excited yet. but we will be if it works out!!

each time, i get a little sad. for the obvious
reasons of him leavin' home and for the not so
obvious reasons of my just not feeling like i've
got much knowledge i can offer him with this stuff.
i tend to feel helpless and not sure how to advise
him.

it was funny tho to see the whole crew checkin'
the place out. think we scared all the neighbors....

there was fun, and laughter, horseplay and even
kindness...
and then there was sadder stuff too....

i want to sit with it all and know that it's life.
and it's all good.

money is nice!

i love this guy a ton.
he's my cousin, and one of my favorite
people in the world.

he's movin' on.
closin' shop and gonna work for someone else.

it's good news as he's wanted that...

we laugh a whole lot together.
the phone calls are always mixed with some
real good loud laughing. i laugh loud and
hard with him. don't know why.
think it's cause we know each other in that
family way.
you can belly laugh with someone who really knows
how weird your family is.

he filled me in on the details....

he got a great offer.
as he should have.

i was laughin' and carryin' on with him and
leaned back in my chair just so tickled for him
and exclaimed 'money's nice!!!'

he made my whole day.
someone i love got really appreciated.
he got snagged up and offered something good.

and he's gonna get paid good for it all!!!

yes!!!!

money can be nice.
and if anyone deserves it....he does!

i love feelin' happy for people.
i just love that feelin'.....

offering confusion

i've been stuck on the 'offering' topic for
months now. what is it i have to offer? what's
the point of offering? do we all have something
we 'should' be offering???

what if you're a brilliant sculptor and you
don't want to share that part of yourself, but
you will go out and offer yourself at the
soup kitchen or whatever? does that work? that's
an offering. and a darn good one.

does it have to be something you're 'talented'
at? does it have to be anything at all?
what's the point of offering?

that would bring you to what's the point of life??
everything brings me there....

oh wow.
more questions for the offering theme!

and something came at me from a little bit of a
different angle today after conversing with a
friend....

i haven't a clue what the purpose of life is.
and i think i'll never know.
so i've kinda 'settled' into concentrating on
HOW i live that life. not so much WHY.
(altho, the why forever creeps back in...)

maybe offering is like that too......
maybe it's not why, or what.....maybe it's the
how.

okay. let me see if i can get this. bear with me.

if i have a talent and i keep it to myself
what i am ultimately doing is affecting myself.

it doesn't so much matter about those around me.

woe.
hang on.

could it be an offering really isn't about the world
around you but really about yourself?!!

oh wow.
brand new thought.

if i concentrate on how i live, then i have to choose
which way works for me.
everyone's gonna have a different how.

i am inclined to think my how is all about tryin' to
open and be as authentic as possible.

then everything i do would be with that goal in mind.

if something is part of me, does sharin' it make it
more authentic?? why does sharing it have to be part of it?

because to be able to share, i have to believe that
that part of me is okay. to be authentic, i have to
be as honest and real as i can. i have to have the
ABILITY to share.

(and i believe with my whole heart, that doin' that
touches everyone around you)

hiding parts of myself hurt the ability to be
authentic. sharing parts of myself teach me strength
in my realness. my belief in whoever i am gets
stronger. i can grow into my realness.

i can also get creamed in my realness, kicked in the
teeth, and learn to hide better! that's the callenge...
that's the struggle....

i don't think i necessairily have to share a thing...
i just need to BE ABLE to share it.

it's the motivation, the thoughts behind it, the fears....
that's the stuff that drives the how of your life.

a long time ago i did an audio recording about this same
thought.....something about the who or the how. something
odd. i think i have to go listen! grin. i've forgotten
everything i was thinking......but this stuff has been
roamin around in my head for years now!!

it's not about having a talent.
it's not about having anything.
it's about being.

talent doesn't matter.
that's a 'have.'

but offering......i think that's a 'be.'
that's a doing.

and maybe it's not doing anything that i had originally
thought it was.
maybe what it's doing is growing me.

and maybe......here's the kicker......maybe by it growing
yourself......then you ultimately are offering something
to the world.

wow.
i gotta sit with all of this.....

help?

listenin' to the rain on the roof.....

feelin oh so cozy.....

it's quiet, peaceful and cozy.

tomorrow brings a house filled with six
gorillas (that would be guys), SEVERAL drum
sets, guitars, amps, the clomping of huge
horse feet all over the place and a whole
heck of a lotta shoving and dope slapping.

my gosh.

i love it.
i keep reminding myself i love it.
yeah, yeah, i really do love it.

i'm just gonna need an estrogen fix real soon.
oh yeah.
how could i forget.
the next nite is the drag races.

um.
help?

this love stuff....

i almost stopped to see her this morning.
had two feet on her driveway.
but her shades were down.
too early yet.....

was crazy busy here and i decided it
didn't matter....i needed to see her.
been way too long...i'm just not as good
as i'd like to be with visiting.

so i called to see if she was up for a visitor.
she didn't sound so good when she picked up
the phone. i didn't have the heart to say i
wanted to visit. felt intrusive.

so we chatted.
i asked her how she was feelin'.
not so good. and she sounded it.

and so i let her in.

i've watched this with her before....
when i let her in for real, when i tell
her what's been up in my life and how
i'm feelin', she gets stronger.
she lightens up, i can hear her coming
back.

and she did.
she nurtured me, she laughed with me,
she gave me advice and she teased me.

she shared her stuff, let me nuture back,
and tease her.

we talked liked two girlfriends....she
always loves that. funny, i do too. i start
out doin' it for her....but it's not just
for her, is it?

she sounded years younger by the time
we finished chatting.

i watch it every time.
when i sit and talk with her as my friend,
a person i really care about....she changes.
years fade. 81 years don't look quite so heavy.

no surprise there, huh? we all react well
to love.

but what surprises me is how you can see it
and hear it....and feel it so quickly.

she forever reminds me not to underestimate
this love stuff.

silver and gray.....

ahhhhhh........
wow......
what a beautiful morning!

just got in from a walk.

when i walked out my door to start,
i got all thrilled...
there was that touch of silver in
the sky.

i think that's one of my all time
favorite things.......that silver feel.

i can never describe it to anyone.
sometimes when i'm out with someone and
it's silver out, i'll grab them and say
"THIS! THIS RIGHT HERE! DON'T YOU LOVE IT?!"

you mean this gray??? they usually say.
grin.
nooooooo the SILVER!!!

as i walked the silver turned to gray.
it does that. you gotta catch it just right.

gray started colorin' the sky.

and i loved it.

i thought of my parents...
what a journey it is with one's family.
there's good and there's not so good.

but today....it was good.

i thought of them and thanked them.
one of the best things they both ever
taught me was to like gray days and the
rain.

both of them loved gray days.
they came from northern pennsylvania....and
i guess they had a lotta gray.
they even chose to marry in november when
it was really really gray!!

when it rained, my parents would go out
walkin'.

how cool is that?!

i can't remember my parents doin' too many
cool things.....but walkin' in any weather
was one of them.

and teachin' their daughter the beauty of
gray was another.

as i walked i could see their faces in the
rain....dad would get that twinkle that i loved
and mom would be so happy cause dad was twinklin'.

no rain here yet....
just a few tears rememberin' some really good
stuff.

forever letting go....

life can be complicated.
or is it me that complicates it?

there's a possible event in my world....
that's up in the air today.
i'll find out later if it's a go or not.

if it IS a go, there's a lotta internal
struggle and figurin' out how to take care
of everyone in the situation.

if it's NOT a go, there's a lotta internal
struggle and figurin' out how to take care
of everyone in the situation.

okay.
so now i'm laughing.
that isn't a good sign.

have i learned no lessons this past month?!
ter......hellooooo........what's the biggest
lesson you got lately?!
um.
um.
oh yeah.
i can't take care of everyone.

i can't fix anything.

oh yeah.
that one.

i don't like that one.

but remember?!
you found a lotta freedom in that one.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
but i gotta watch a lotta hurt too.

yeah but you get to see the process of
people becoming who they are and taking
their stuff and making it part of them.

you get to watch people become.

ohhhh.....
is that what this is??

yeah.
i guess it is.
either way, i guess it is.

okay.
but um.
what if i don't trust a couple of the
key players to become something positive???

well, excuse me, ms. control freak.....
what is positive?
where does it all take them?
you can't know.

but what if who they become hurts another
that i care about???

maybe it's in that hurt that the other
travels the road that he needs to travel.

sigh.

you don't know a thing,
you can't control a thing,
and you can't predict a thing.

all you can do is let go and allow.

let go.
and allow.

shoot.

it always seems to come back to that.

gratitude themes

workin' on a wedding gift for some friends.
what a story they have.
what a story everyone has!

one thing led to another, and the gift
took on a 'gratitude' theme.

was sittin' here workin' on it thinking
about gratitude.

i wish that i understood that concept
enough to really talk about it.

it is in my top five list of things that
i think create magic.

i have had days without it and those days
have no color, no zest, no life.

my best days are filled with it.

and i am absolutely positive you can't
have a good relationship without it.

makes for a perfect wedding gift theme.

what i wonder tho....every time i think
about it...is.....
is it in the same league as love?

is it one of those things we just cannot
fathom the power of?

is it one of those things that gets tossed
around so much, we forget what it really
means??

i kinda think it is.

and the funny thing?
i don't know how you get it.
when i don't have it, i don't know how
to get it.
it just slips back in. and then it hovers
around me a lot.
but i don't know where it comes from.

i gotta sit with it more than i do and
talk with it a bit, ya know?

i think there's secrets of the ages mixed
in there......

three parts...

quiet among the silliness.
yo actually had to work.
celebration put on hold for a few hours.
all is quiet.
and what tumbled out?
three bone sighs.
or is it one?


stretching her fingers wide,
she reached out to me.
somewhere deep down she knew
she mattered.
my fingers wrapped around hers,
and pulled her back...
once again, we wander thru
the unknown side by side.


i don't want you to take care of me, she said.
and i knew she was right.
it was up to her to take care of herself.
it was up to me to give her the room
to do that.


in stepping aside and giving her space,
my hands that had been so full for
so long, emptied.
a load tumbled off my shoulders.
standing taller,
i stretched my arms,
wiggled my fingers,
picked up my music
and played my notes once again...


thinking of her on my son's birthday.
and sending her so much love and compassion...

missin' him...

i woke up and checked first thing....

yep. there was a text message.

he went outta town yesterday.
he's a million miles away, different
time zones.

okay....okay....he's just on the
other coast. but still.....

it always feels like a million miles
away when he goes outta state....

i had texted him before i went to bed.

funny too...as i always make fun of texting.
but once in awhile, it comes in real handy!

so there i was....first thing....readin'
these few lines like they were gold.

the kids woulda laughed.
i laughed for them.

i keep thinking about people mattering to
each other. i'm just not sure anyone really
gets how much they do.

mattering.
seems like such an important thing to grasp.

to know it about yourself and the people in your
life.....and to show it.

sounds like a simple sentence, easy thought,
no big deal....

yeah, right.
do you know that you matter? do you show it to
yourself? do the people in your life know they
matter to you? do you show them? do you act like
it?

if i had that down right there.....
i'd prolly be set for life.

i still have work to do there....
and a call to make...

celebratin' yo yo!

he's gonna be twenty.
twenty.
i can't believe it.

and still....i gotta paint that birthday sign.
you know.....the happy birthday yo yo sign.
yeah, maybe it's time to stop....
but then again....

tomorrow morning, just after 9:00 marks yo's
comin' into the world. memories of the midwife,
his dad was a heck of a great coach, the whole
thing....right there in my head tonite. it was
so so good.

but it's mostly yo that's in my head.

he's one of the most gentle, loving people i've
ever met. everything you could ever want your
son to be.

when he was little he was really really blonde
and so gentle, he made you think of an elf.
he still reminds me of an elf. a huge big ol' elf.

there will be celebrating tomorrow and some major
goofin' off together. he and i have plans to play
with his camera together. and i'm sure there's gonna
be a ton of eating.

i'll try to refrain from pullin' out the baby pictures
or talkin' about my little baby boy!

but you know darn well.......i'll be thinking of that
little baby all day and seein' him in this young man's
face.

celebratin' yo....and his being here with us.

he adds more than he'll ever know!

colliding thoughts...

started out the walk with two thoughts
buzzin' thru my head...they collided
and landed into a third....

told a friend that i was feelin' that
spark again. that it had been almost two
years since i've felt it, but i had that
same ol' spark back.

nope.
stop.
wrong.

ha!!!

something hit me!
it's not the SAME spark!
it's way way better.......way deeper.

how cool is that?!

are you kiddin me, ter?
after walkin' the walk of the last two years,
how could it not be??

it's as if a devilish god (eww...interesting
combo of words) sat in the sky and said 'let's
create some really great situations to make
ms. ter close her heart down! look at this..if
we put her here, with these people, oh look...
she squirms! is that her heart i hear lockin'
up??

oh look....if we put this darkness around her..
oh look.....she closes up real nice there.

grin.

no.
i don't believe that's how it works at all.
but as i walked and pictured the last two years,
i thought it all could fit into that scene for
sure!

and i have closed. and i have squirmed. and tensed,
and fought, and kicked, and screamed.

and made it to the other side. somehow.

for now.

but this other side is further down the road than
when i went in with that certain spark.

the spark i carry now is different....
deeper. way deeper.

which brought me colliding into my other thought...

someone i love is in icky waters. the waters of
that empty feelin'. that kinda just lost and empty
stuff. i went out with her in my pocket, thinking
of her and wondering what i could do for her. and
knowing there isn't much cause when you're there,
you're there.

thought of the desserts of my own the past few years.

and then i thought of where i was this morning.
and i got all excited for her.
grin.
she'll just love me for that one.
but i knew it was taking her to a better spot.
she's the kinda person who will take it and travel
well. this dessert will add depth to her spark.

the thoughts were bouncin' around hittin' off of
each other by the time i hit my 'good morning world'
spot.

the end of my road, after the pretty stretch with the
trees is the busy highway. not the place you'd think
i'd say good morning to the world. but if you turn
just a little bit, and block the cars from view, and
pretend they aren't there, and look out over these
pine trees, and squint a bit, you could almost be in
vermont.

so i do that every morning, look at the sky and say hey
to my day. (josh taught me this)

today i stopped and thought of what was ahead of me today,
what i wanted to do with those things...

and my other thoughts kept on zoomin' around and bumped
right into that one.

bam.

it's our day.
whether it's in the dessert, the rainforest, the airport,
the kitchen, the studio....it's where we are.
feelin' blah, or spark filled, it's where we are, what
we've got.

reach out, ter,
and hold it and see it for the gift that it is...

beyond rich

the plan was to make dinner with zakk and yo.
the three of us. i love doin' that together.
but at the appointed time, i was still packin'
orders.

i heard the kitchen sounds goin' on and tried
to speed up. i ran up to tell them i just needed
to finish....give me a few minutes.

'that's okay, mom, we got it!'

so i went back to packin' as i listened to
them chattin' away about technical stuff that
i couldn't understand and the clankin' of the
dishes.

i love to listen to those two interact. they are
so close it's crazy. i packed orders to the
music of them in the kitchen.

i got up just in time to help stuff tacos.

grabbed a spoon to help. yo sat me down and
told me to just keep them company, he could
finish.

i grabbed a taco shell, started munchin' and
obliged. i was tired.

i sat there and looked at those two.....
thinking about a conversation i had way earlier
that morning......about being rich.

how could i ever have lost that feeling i had
had....that i was rich???

there was no mistakin' it sittin there, munchin'
and watchin'.....

i had it all......

tin cans, life struggles and tears...

she's got this beautiful heart that touches me
way beyond what she knows. we've never met. just
thru email, blogs and the stuff we make.

and i love her.

she came up with the tin can idea.

reachin' out to me one day sayin' that all i needed
to do was holler thru the tin can and she'd be
at the other end. and she has been.

i got up this morning to a 'tin can rant' from
her in my email box.

funny thing.....life can knock us around in a lotta
different ways....but when it knocks the kids in
our lives around.....in ways that we can't do
anything about....that's when we lose it.

i read her words and went a little crazy myself.

situations like she wrote about make me pull my
hair, my eyes get wide, i pace the floor...and
i cannot find my trust.

so you can see, i wouldn't be much help to her!
i tried...and sometimes just sharin' is good.
but yeah, it's lame. what we need are magic wands.

there are so many kids out there who just have
such sucky situations. really bad stuff....

sometimes what i do to get by is i find an adult
who grew up with some of that stuff...and i think
of who they are now...and what they carry from
that...the good stuff that they've found. yeah,
the hard way for sure, but they've got it.

and that's one of the the perks of bone sigh arts...
i hear those stories. i hear stories that make
me cry and then i read things like 'i wouldn't change
it for anything, because it's brought me to who
i am now.' and i shake my head.

the human spirit astounds me.

i think of one of my best friends....who's childhood
i describe as 'straight out of a horror movie.'
she's one of the most beautiful people i've ever known.

so i grab these people and circle them around me.

and i hang on to the fact that people have more
strength in them than i can imagine......

and then i cry a lot...

goodnite

gettin' ready to quit for the nite....
josh called in to check up on me.
he asked me how i was doin with somethin'
i've been strugglin' with.

'oh, real good.' i tell him.
he's confused.

last he knew i was strugglin'.

he just can't keep up.

i laughed and told him 'there was that
life changing shift...i'm way better.'

and then i laughed real hard at his confused
pause.

ya gotta love my kids.
they try so hard to keep up with my emotions....
but ya know, who could?!

i grin and say 'did you miss that part, josh?'

we laugh, i promise to fill him in in the morning
and we say goodnite.

i can't imagine gettin' any luckier than this...
just havin' him askin' and carin'.....even if he
is two steps behind the times.

and that life shift?
i think it really happened......

gonna sleep good tonite......

remembering the gold.....

just walked in...my head is bursting with thoughts...
prolly long...but i'm excited....

walkin' thinking about releasing my hold on stuff.
lettin' go. trustin.

what is it i'm really trusting?
yeah, the universe. that still is part of me.
but more...
trusting ME.
that's the problem here, ter, isn't it?
you gotta trust you.

thinking back...
struggle a few months ago with finances.
getting so discouraged. losing trust.
realizing it's cause i've been down the
finance road before.
didn't want to relive the major budget your
life stuff. didn't want to go there....
been there. done that. don't want it anymore.

ahhhh...but ter......
what about when you pulled off gettin' you
and the kids to your cousin's outta town
wedding??? remember the mass search for
change??remember rounding up every penny
there was in the house...change jars,
under the sofa cushions...in the laundry..
everywhere? remember the excitement with
the kids when you found enough to go??
priceless.

remember standing in the graveyard by the
church in a panic because you didn't know
how to tie a tie for the boys?? remember
the panic of not bein' able to pull off bein'
a single parent....and that man came along?
i will never forget his face. ever. he tied
their ties and patted them and made me remember
i'm not alone.

remember those feelings? angels everywhere.

when i couldn't afford noah what he wanted so
we ALL pitched in? remember that's when being
a team really happened??

those things are gold. gold.
gold mixed among the no money.

okay......so i forgot the gold. just remembered
the pressure, the fear. i forgot the gold.
maybe it'd be okay to go back there if i had
to...

what about my heart? what about the stuff that
was even harder?

remember, ter?
remember figurin' out you really weren't loved?
remember the pain? yeah...and i don't want to
ever go back...

remember drawing the line? if it can't be healthy
love, you don't want any? remember the strength
and belief in yourself that was born??

remember stopping dead in your tracks in the
middle of the street and realizing it wasn't you?
remember when you found yourself that day?

remember all the finding yourself you had to do?
remember thinking you were damaged goods?
remember the pain of that, yeah....
but how about the gold when you figured out you
weren't?

remember crying in the car with your girlfriend
as she looked at you with such love?

how about the people along the way? the shoulders,
the kindness, the caring?

remember the people who gave you breaks and hugged
you? remember the man who hugged you and told you
you could do it when you were replacing the oil
tank??

there was love every step of the way......
and then finding healthy love? finding something
you never touched before?
the gold there?

it's all gold, ter.
you're lost in remembering the fear, the hurt,
the ache.....

don't forget that along with that intensity is
the intensity of the gold.

don't focus on the pain. focus on the gold.

if you do that.....
you can trust yourself to get thru anything.
you've gotten thru.
you will get thru always.
you can trust that.........

and suddenly......it got way easier to release
my grasp.....

give me my life.....i'm ready to hold it....and
release it all at once!!

releasing the grip....

i worry about him.
too much sometimes.
i worry for loving reasons.
i worry for selfish reasons.

and i guess either one of those
is stupid.

worry doesn't do much good does it?

well, it beats the 'fix it' mode that i can get
into.....and oh man, i know that one doesn't
work. that one takes me down with him.

i tell myself to let it play out.
it's not mine.
but then i sit back and see ways i think it
will play out and i leap back into fix it mode.

wrestle.
tug.
push myself.....
back to letting go.

my cousin sent me the most fabulous quote the
other day. she didn't know who wrote it...it
was hangin' in an office...

how well did you live?
how well did you love?
how well did you learn to let go?

shoot.
that last one........man, that's killer for
me....

how perfect is that, tho?

so, i'll go take my walk and release the
grip once again.....

the morning sky...

when my neighbor goes to work, he drives by
and honks hello. i love that. a lotta times
he's my alarm clock. it's such a cool way to
wake up.

he left early this morning......
and there was his hello honk nice and early....

i got up ready to hit the day and get lots done.
'productive' would be my middle name today!

and well......i ended up sittin' under the stars
and sayin' hello to the moon....
my middle name got put under my chair in the
dewy grass...

it was dark. the crickets chirppin' and the
sky just talkin' to me. i kinda got lost in it all.

i thought of a kid i'm worried about....
and wondered if he ever looked up and saw the sky.
i don't think so. not yet.
and i wondered if he'd get to the point where he
would...

thought of the twists and turns of it all, and how
i'll never be able to predict where that kid would
go....i would just have to watch...

i looked at those stars and reminded myself to trust.
it's gonna take a sky full of trust to get thru
some stuff ahead....

and lots and lots of talkin' to the stars....

shakin' the snide aside....

a scathing birthday card.....
ick.
i got one of those this past year.

it sucked.
made me cry.
started a chain of events that
made me very sad.

i returned it to the sender.

grin.

yeah.
felt good.

kinda claimed my adult status in my
forever challenging family. put a little
posty note on it saying that treating me
like a bad little girl didn't work for me.

grin.
grin.
grin.

that's not usually my style.

it felt fabulous tho.

and now.......it's her birthday.

ah.
here it is.
shall i go the scathing route?
nahhh not me.
just skip it?
nahhhh just adds to the negative.

what is it you want to live, ter???

i settled myself down.

concentrate on the love.
on seeing the person.

sigh.

yeah.
that's what i want....

so i pulled out a pretty card.
what to write??

snide comments ran thru my head.
shoot.
wrong direction.
ahhh i got a long way to go til i hit
enlightenment.
smiled. shook that thought out of my head
and waited til i could get peaceful.

'wishing you a peaceful birthday'
and signed it with love....

sealed it and thought yet another snide thought.

oh man.
stopped.
rethought.
can't send it with snide thoughts.
can't i be a little bit bigger than this??

went back to the seeing her.
hold onto that, ter.
hold onto that....

and send some peace out into the world.

shaking the snide aside......
i'm workin' on holdin' the peace.......
and sendin' someone who needs it some love.....

the most awesomest moments

apparently something that attracted him
to me at first was my joy. which i find
really weird as we met in the middle of
my darkest time. guess there were still
joyful moments and he saw those.

well, the poor guy's been stuck with a lotta
sad for the past good bit of time....
which is a bum deal when you walked into it
all for the joy of it....

but he's hung in there like a champ.

the joy has been creeping back tho...and
recently it made a leap back in. the slappin'
the table laughter has been back full force
this week.

and yesterday the playing was filling the
house. as we were horse playin' and i was
hollerin' to be treated like a lady as i
wrestled and hit and tugged and pushed, the
laughin' got goin' pure and free....

i looked at his eyes. he was so happy.
he loves to play. and i was back playin'
with my heart wide open.

and i realized something....

somehow my bein' happy makes him happy.
it's like a gift i can give him.
but it's a gift for me, isn't it?
me bein' happy is my gift for me.
but i saw it...it's more than for me.
it's his gift too.

that's part of bein' so intertwined.
that's part of carin' and lovin' and
sharin'...

there's been a lotta love all the way
thru with us. thru the sad and the fun...
i can feel it and i know it....but there
are certain moments when it blinds me.

and somehow in that muddly horseplayin'
moment, i got blinded again....

and in that blindness......i can see.

it's the most awesomest moments.

tea bags

wisdom from my tea bag......

the moment you love,
you are unlimited.

life is short....life is long.....

a guy i haven't seen in 30 years
(well...maybe 28??) popped into my life
this past week.

he was a significant guy because i had a crush
on him all thru high school. never a boyfriend...
just a crush.

but he symbolized something for me because for
years after that i would have dreams with him in it.
and while it would be sweet to think it was cause
i still had a crush....i can't honestly say that.
life went on, i grew up. you know how it goes.

he was a symbol of something. i remember finally figurin'
it out. but ya know what? i can't remember what it was.
it was something inside me that i had to come to terms
with. but i really can't remember. whatever it was,
i did come to terms with it, and the dreams stopped.

it's kinda cool.

and there he was this week. sayin' hey.
it's been odd for me.
we've talked and shared more than we ever did in
high school and i think we may actually become friends.

life is too weird.

i went up to my attic and dug out some old photo
albums......
and i found a picture of him and i at least 28 years
ago.

it seems to be photo time for me.
(see blog below)

it's an odd feeling looking at it.
where did all that time go?
where did those kids go?
and who are these people just now trying to be friends?

i have this saying that i just love.

life is short.
life is long.

i love that.
that's what this feels like to me.
life is so short. where did those kids go?
life is so long....they grew up and there was time
for them to bump into each other again.

who'da ever guessed....

now....is life long enough for them to become
real friends?

that's the beauty.
we just don't know, do we?

photos

josh needed a photo this morning of
his 'skinny days.'
grin.
yeah.
he's a gym guy now....in fact, he's a
gym success story now!
yeah!
pretty cool.
so he needed a skinny picture....before
and after, ya know?

i haven't put photos in albums for years.
so there's stacks of 'em.....
and as we sorted thru, this one caught
my eye, and that one made me stop and look....

man.
i yanked out a few that really struck me.
just want to sit with them.

there's people that have passed.
people's whose lives have changed and
are totally different. people who i don't
see much of anymore.
the kids who have changed so much.
moments that were just so fun....

time goes way too fast, ya know?

i have one that i'm gonna hang up.
it's me and my cousin.
and in this shot....my gosh.....we look
like sisters. what i kinda like about it
besides that is that we both look kinda
like we've been down a long road.

life's showin' on us.

i don't usually like photos because of that.
life shows on me way too much!!

but this time i like it. because we've
shared a lot of that together. we found
each other after we had grown up. and have
been there for each other thru some of life's
trials. and there's something about this photo
that shows life..the good and the not so good.

what a road, huh?
havin' people to share it with means everything....

the story of ed

if you're a friend, you may already know this story.
to me, it's one of the most profound stories of my
life. i put it out here today because i'm thinking
of how thoughtless we can be sometimes. and how much
it matters to show some love.....

here's my story......

i was afraid of him.
i was told he was crusty and gruff and just
'not right' in the head.
i avoided him at first.
and then i saw he really wasn't scary...
so i sat down next to him.
i noticed his mickey mouse watch.
commented on it.
touched it.
he proudly showed it off to me.
the only present he was ever given in his
78 years.
wow.
his niece had given it to him.
he beamed about his niece.
his sister baked a birthday cake for him once.
she put in big letters HBDTY.
(happy birthday to you)
i couldn't believe it.
that was it?
one present?
one cake?
wow.
wow.

when i got home,i got right on line.
found some mickey mouse pj's.
(to go with the watch)
happened to be right around valentine's day.
my favorite holiday. i love it cause you have
an excuse to tell everyone that you love them.
how perfect is this?
this time i can really do something special.
i wrapped it in shiny red paper with a big homemade
heart card that said HVDTY,
(happy valentine's day to you)
i went out and got the biggest red bow i could
find. and sent it to him.

i think i won his love forever.
he's now told me things he says he's never told
anyone in his life. he recited romeo and juliet
to me over the phone and put in 'terri' for juliet.
i laughed and told him i had never ever had a man
in my life do anything so wonderful. he sings to me
and tells me stories about himself. he's well read
and knows everything about history and all the authors
and classics and shakespeare....he even owns his own
bone sigh books now! altho, he says he doesn't understand
them!!! he loves them anyway. grin.

i told him i was shy but wanted to learn how to love.
told him he was teaching me.

yeah, yeah, he had the guy thing goin' for a bit,
you know....'if i was 30 years younger'.....that stuff...
had to kinda get thru all that (do men ever stop that
stuff???) but even that was part of the journey together.

i saw him recently and we talked about our struggles
with self love. he's in his late 70's and can't love
himself. we talked about it. i don't think we got too
far, but who knows.....i do felt like just talking about
it mattered.

ed has changed my life.
he showed me so much of what love can do.
and how important reaching out is.

we don't have to be doin' the reachin' out thing all the
time.....but we for surely can do the not knockin' each
other down stuff!!!!

we are so much more powerful than we know.......

it sucks

she's ready to quit. throw in the towel.
stop what she does.
and i don't blame her.
i don't.
and if she does, she does.
i would totally understand.
but i'm so hopin'if she does,
she does so for good reasons.
not sucky ones.

along comes some nasty person and totally
rocks her boat.
makes her feel sick.
makes her doubt herself.
makes her feel awkward, embarrassed, and
plain ol' yucky.

what's up with that?
where do people get off thinking they can
do that???

if it was me?
i'd feel the same way.
i'd be ready to toss in the towel too.

i wrote her tho.
told her how much i love what she does.
how much i think it matters.
if she quits, i understand, but don't quit
because of some nasty ol' arrogant woman
who's just plain mean.

people can just suck.
and then......
there's the other ones.
the ones that don't suck at all.
the ones who keep us goin'.
we gotta hang on to them.

and we just cannot let the sucky ones run
the show. we can't give the sucky ones more
power than the ones that really matter!!!
or!!! and this is big.......
we can't give them more power than we give
to our own truth.

oh man.
that's so big.

so much easier said than done.
but so so so important.

i don't have this down. i can't preach to do it,
cause i'm not sure i can do it.

but we gotta try to remind each other....
guard your truth.
don't let anyone steal it......
specially the sucky ones!

mary

i have this really special friend.
we're not constant email buddies.
but the check in kind.
you know...
the 'you okay?' notes.
the notes of encouragement.
the notes that just let you know you're
not alone.

i got one of her great notes today.
someone said something fantastic to her
from her knitting lesson the other day....
.....and she quoted it for me.

ready?

'life is too short to use cheap yarn.'

then she went on to say:
'i dont know exactly what that means, but
i think it profound.'

i laughed and agreed!
i love that!
think i'm gonna hang that up in my studio!

my friend doesn't know it, but she's full of
wisdom. and her nurturing and care that she
sends helps so much.

she has a blog.
and i had lost track of it.
forgot to favorite it! jeesh.
well, it's now favorited. and i wanted to
share...you can find her here.

i just read a blog of hers where she doesn't think she's a writer.
grin.
man, do i know this one.
never thought i was.
then i think i had that thought for about six months???
i think i held it for a bit, finally.
then lost it again.
i don't seem to be able to hold this stuff either.
but when i see her write, and read that, i think....
how can she not see??
OF COURSE SHE IS!

aren't we funny?
go on over and check her out.
let her know she's a writer!

and mary......just so you know.....
you're not just a writer......you're a treasure.

dope slaps and testosterone

so i go from estrogen dinner to testosterone lunch.
my gosh.
fridays are lunch days with the kids....
well....the 'kids' are all way taller than i am
and can toss me across the room wtih their pinkies.

the energy they have astounds me.
and they're in that brother mode they get into.
the banter is fast and furious.
one liners from movies.
inside jokes that just barely make sense if
you're on the inside...
dope slaps mixed thru out.

another meal that found me laughin' so hard i
had trouble keepin' my head up.

this is a good sign.

we stopped in the store afterward. yo's like
eight feet tall, ya know? and it's his birthday
comin' up. so i launch into mother mode and do
the 'is there a goodie you want, yo yo?'
well.
grin.
he puts his arm around me as we walk and i
lean my head into him. he's huge.
huge.
oh yeah.
guess he's not my baby anymore?
he'll be 20.

i'm not stupid.
i know these lunches won't last forever.
i know i have very few more times where
i'll ask 'can i get you a goodie?'
i know that every moment with them is a gift.

i leaned a little closer to him and gave
him a squeeze.

he turned the goodie down.
he watches my budget too darn much these days.
gonna have to just surprise him...

wish i could find just the thing that told
him how much i adored him....
all of them

next thing i know, we're on the way home, the car
filled with dope slappin' laughin' and more
testosterone than i ever coulda imagined......

the challenge card

so i brought my pack of cards with me last nite.
the ones my friend had given me....the ones you
pull out to get your message for the day kinda
thing....

joked with my friends sayin' i hadn't done them
in awhile cause the last one said some big lesson
was comin' my way and i'm tired of lessons. said
i got scared away.

so we picked cards. and yep. there it was.
the CHALLENGE CARD.

i put my head in my hands and laughed and groaned
all at once.

no thanks.
don't want no stinkin' challenge card.

i want something easy. light and easy.
give me light and fluffy please???

but then i read what it said about it.....

that it's my time to put my dreams out there,
to believe they can become reality.
to know what i want and get it.

hm.
ha.
ho.
woe.

okay.
i was kinda gettin' close to that feelin'.
okay, not really.

i was gettin' close in the thinking it's time to
refocus on where i'm goin'.
so i was headin' in that direction.....
so i'm gonna head a little harder a little faster.

who knows how long we've got, ya know?
time to grab what you want?
time to believe in what you want?
time to figure out what the heck it is that you
want?!

yeah.
guess maybe it is.

girlfriends

i cried a little. i laughed a lot. and i laughed til i cried.
all a good combination.

the best part tho, was the tea party.
we were done with dinner and asked for a pot of tea.
one thing led to another and before you know it,
we were reading tea leaves and laughing like little
kids. the tea cups were tiny, tiny little things,
my friend got to the point she was pretend sipping.
my other friend grabbed the sprig of basil and pretended
they were cookies....and off we were in little girl land.
a tea party.

at one point i found myself with my head on my friend's
shoulder just laughing so hard i was crying.

that's a good feeling.

even when i was tearin' up earlier tellin' them a story,
that felt good. because they let me. they just let me
cry a little, say what i needed to...and let it all be okay.

as i was walkin' to my house, getting outta the car, my
friend shouted out her window....we love you, terri, just
the way you are.

girlfriends.
there's nothin' like them.

girl's nite out!

okay.
closed up shop.
ran around and did the house stuff.
headed to my room to grab some
clean clothes.

ohhhhhhh.
ohhhhhhhhhhh......

my sparkly shoes.
i bought these cheap tacky shoes
with sequins all over them.
pure silver color....
little girl shoes, ya know?

i love love love them!

there they were.
bam.
right in front of my face.
haven't worn them anywhere yet.

well.
ya know.
i really just HAVE to wear those!!!

then the fun started.
okay.
what goes with those shoes?!
and then of course, what earrings
are perfect for girl's nite out.

and i tell ya, little terri just kicked
on in and started playin.

i almost grabbed the fishnets and heels...
but my girlfriends would be like...huh???
we're just goin' up the road for dinner???

next time....fishnets and heels!
this time tacky little girl shoes and a
shirt that reminds me of hawaii (altho it
wouldn't remind anyone else of that)
cause my girlfriend just got home from hawaii...

i'm goin' out to drown in some estrogen.

i live a testosterone filled life.....
and while i love that.....a good shot of
estrogen is just what i need.

one girlfriend makes me belly laugh.
the other girlfriend makes me cry.
how perfect is this?!
a little bit of everything!

i've got that 'life is good' feelin'.

amazing what women can do for your spirits!

the velveteen rabbit and me....

doin some editing right now.
readin' some bone sighs.
just read this one:

from her sorrow she found compassion.
from her grief she learned understanding.
and from her journey she became real.

i thought of all those questions this
morning. (see a few blogs down...)
maybe THAT's the answer to them all.

maybe it's all about becoming real.

ah. does this echo of the velveteen rabbit??

so.
okay.
now.

what IS real??

ha!
who the heck knows...
does this bring us back to love again?!

fallin' in love with deb....

there's an artist i admire a ton, like a ton,
and yeah even love a ton.

but the other day i found myself tumbling down
into this big well of love. i felt like i was
in love with her soul!!

she's workin' on a new product, and asked me
if i'd take a peek at it and give her some
feedback. i said sure. tickled she asked,
knowin' i'd love it.

but.....oh.....ho....ho......

i had NO idea what it would do to my insides.

as i sat with her project, i was stunned.
just stunned.
and the more i looked, the more i saw inside deb.

i knew she was beautiful and lovely.
i already knew that.
but my gosh.

i emailed her right away.
she knows me enough that i felt like i could
tell her this without her thinking i was asking
her out on a date! so i leapt right into....
my gosh, deb, i think i've fallen in love with you!!!

i've been captivated with that idea since then.
if we could REALLY see in each other's souls....
how cool would that be?
and i think we can get glimpses all the time...
we just have to open up our darn eyes.

i don't have any 'correct' phrase for loving
what i see in people without it sounding like i
want to marry them....
i need a new word. new phrase.

but how cool is it that someone creates something
where you feel like you can reach inside and touch
them...and they definitely reached inside and touched
you? guess that's art. music. life.

i love that when that happens.

deb's new product isn't out yet. when it is, we'll
be shoutin' it from the rooftops.
but there's plenty of awesome products already available.
go check her out here!

just a few thousand questions......

there's a memory i have that will prolly always
be floatin' in my head real clear.....

it's of sittin' at my dad's funeral. lookin' over
at the velvety blue sack that held his ashes. it
was one of those 'time stopped' moments. and that's
how i remember it. no movement. just everything
standing still.

sittin' there wonderin' what the heck is it all about?
what's left? is that it? ashes?

i do believe that was the beginning of what i've been
callin' 'my mid life crisis' that's been goin' on for
almost two years now.

all the questions from that time... that's when i saw
all the dreams and beliefs i had lost....and i wondered
where the heck am i now? what the heck do i believe in??

and so i've wandered since.
watching the different stages of it all.

a significant new stage started this week with my
letting go of something that i needed to let go of.
i felt the shift immediately.

yesterday i realized i was coming back to some of that
energy i had before my pop died. back to some of the
excitement of where am i going and what am i doin'.

had a conversation last nite about living wisely and what
did that exactly mean? i got prolly the wisest answer there
is. and yeah, i totally blew it off.

he said it was about loving each other.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

grin. that's so funny. i sure can be one romantic date.
i kinda groaned when he said that.
and i know he's right. it's about love. maybe that's
why the groan....love......the hardest thing of all.

so this morning i set out on my walk to figure out where
it is i wanted to go. what i wanted to do with my time.
and how did love fit into the whole thing.

i came home with a thousand more questions than when i
started....

what are we here for?
what difference does any of it make?
what is 'offering'?
is that really a giving or is it a taking in disguise?
same with love.
what the heck is love? and is that a giving or is it
a taking in disguise?
can you offer yourself to the world?
is that healthy or weird?
is offering yourself to yourself more important?
is it the same thing?
is offering the same thing as love?
is it better to put out to the universe that you want
to work with the flow and are ready to get back in it,
or is it better to just flat out ask for help and just
let go and be guided?
is it always a kick in the face to be guided? does it
always have to explode your life?
if it happens anyway, why ask?
what if you get brave enough and say 'i offer myself,
take it.'
what happens?
does that change anything?
is the change from the outside or the inside?
or both?
that one shook me, so there must be some power in it.
what is the power?
fear?
love?
if it's all inside me, do i just find it and let it out,
or do i let it find me?
when i'm all done........what is it i want to have happened?
when i'm ashes.....what will it have been all about?

he was right.
love.

still don't know what to do with that......
but that's okay.

what does rilke say? something about loving the questions
and living your way into the answers?
man, maybe he didn't know how many questions i could have.
nah.......i think he way knew.
if it was good enough for rilke, i guess it's good enough
for me....

grunt less, smile more.

i don't usually see josh at nite.
he's out late, i'm alseep early.
my room's by the front door tho so some
nites i hear him. he gets every reaction
you can get late at nite.

sometimes it's a grunt. sometimes it's snoring.
sometimes it's total confusion "who ARE you? what
day is it??" and ALWAYS when he's totally beat
and can't stand up one more minute, i wake up
to hear the whole story and want details!!

well, last nite.....it wasn't at the front door
that i heard him. it was 2 in the morning. we
both had waken and bumped into each other in
the hall.

go figure.

i thought it was just the coolest thing. what
are the chances? (altho, REALISTICALLY some noise
prolly woke us both up... but STILL.....)
so i'm comin' outta the bathroom. light shining
bright. and there's josh. i heard him, so he didn't
startle me.

there he is. standing there squinting his eyes
cause of the light.

and i'm overcome with how this is just the coolest
thing. we're all sposed to be sleeping yet here we
are! and that kinda fills my voice and i smile real
big and say real loud "well, hey, josh!"

honestly, it sounded like i had just bumped into an
old friend at the store.

it took josh by suprise. ( i guess he expected the
grunt) and his head kinda tilted back.
all the while squinting....and he smiled the warmest
smile and he actually stepped forward and hugged me.

honest to pete.

he gave me this really warm hug and said 'well, hey,
mom.'

i know in his mind he was just thinking 'she's so weird.'
but at the same time he loved me.

that's it.
a weird encounter in the hall.
a hug and some loving squinting eyes.
and i curled back in bed.
smiling.

i was thinking how all that sure beat a grunt.
i gotta grunt less at nite.
this is much better.

grunt less. smile more.
should be a rule of life.

a woman's worst fear....

every woman out there knows this fear:
'oh no. please tell me i'm not turning into
my mother!!!'

well........i saw it this morning.

was buttin' heads with yo at breakfast.

i had my back to him and was makin' the protein
milk shake up.....and it hit me.
ohmygosh....am i bein' my mom???

i stood lost in an internal struggle.

yo's at the table bewildered because i've
gotten quiet and he senses tears.
he's bewildered....but gentle.
comes up behind me to find out what in the
world is happening.

oh man. what these guys go thru....

sure enough.

i caught it.
told him i was thinking.
and then told him what i was thinking.

we talked thru it.
okay, so i cried a bit thru it....

and we worked it out.

takin' care of each other is a good thing.
but takin' care of each other and losin'
sight of each other in the process is
weirdness we don't need. i think that happens
between us.

it's from a good source.....we care a lot
about each other.

but isn't it interesting how that caring can
get turned and twisted when we start assuming
things about the other???

relationships....ANY kind take constant looking
at each other and our own selves, don't they??

and when you find people who make that looking
worth it, it's so darn awesome.

yo definitely makes it worth it....

a tigger trap

i was really good.
totally detached.
been down the road too many times to get swept
up in the drama of it all....the snags of it all...
maybe the HOPE of it all??

just put out there what i saw was the truth.
didn't care what the reaction was.

until........
he told me his feelings.
how he felt like he didn't matter.

man.
man.
man.

okay........so that must be my number one button.

snag.
we caught a tigger.

(tigger's my nickname)

i didn't feel the catch right away.
but it didn't take long for me to realize it.

ha.
caught again.

but not really.
i see the net.
can pull it off fairly easily.
i think.

funny.......how things can slide in and get ya.

people thinking they don't matter really affects
me...but as i sit and look at this, i begin to wonder.

is it a wound, a scar we can't get over....
or is it a scar we've turned into a dysfunctional
tool to limit ourselves?

wow.

food for thought for this tigger.

and there ya have it.

i don't remember ever just sittin' in this spot before.
it's a 'and there you have it' spot.

it's fascinating me.
neither good nor bad....it's just there.

there's one particular thread in the weaving of my
life that has taken the stuffing out of me for awhile
now....

i saw the stuffing get knocked out.
then i saw it get stuffed in so i could move about
and do what i needed.
but it was stuffed in funny.
so then there was the squirming cause the stuffing
was weird.
i've seen all those stages.....
the rearranging of the stuffing.
the strength coming back.
the gut punches messin' the stuffing up again.
the whole deal.

and now.
now.
i've come to this.....
just a complete standstill of looking at it all and
going.....'and there you have it.'

like there's nothing left i can do.

don't think i believe that.
cause there's always something you can do.
even if that something is leave it over there
and take what you learned and go forward.

but for the moment, i'm standing still and watching.
and don't feel any need to do anything.
it's an odd place for me.
but i'm kinda likin' it.

i'm always the one who has to take care of everything...
make everyone okay.....make things better....

today there isn't an ounce of that in me with this.
just a steppin' back and goin' 'yep. look at that.'

ya know......it's kinda neat.

mixed up letters

i put a letter on josh's desk last nite that
i thought was a particular letter.
he handed it back to me this morning and it was
ENTIRELY a different letter than i thought it was.
i couldn't believe i had done that.
i mean, yeah i was tired and runnin' around like
an idiot and all that......
but it was TOTALLY different than what i thought it
was.
sure terri, one letter looks like another....
apparently.....
but still.....
it really hit me as odd.

i thought about it.
how i was so sure what it was??
how was it i totally made that all up in my head???

had a couple other times like this.....when i was
positive the sunglasses weren't there. knew they weren't.
looked, they weren't.
then someone comes along and finds them there.

common enough things.....but things that jolt thru me
sometimes and remind me that i make my own reality so
much more than i can possibly know.

there's only been a handful of times where these stupid
little things really jolt me.
but when they jolt....they really jolt.

it may sound crazy comin' from a misguided letter story...
but i'm absolutely positive we create what's around us.

so.
how come i don't work with that more???

he caught a yo!

it's a beautiful day out.
i took my lunch and sat out in my yard.
the boys were following one by one.

in the other chair facing me was a big
ol' spider's web.

yo came along and i pointed it out to him.
'you gotta sit there, bud.
you'll be the biggest thing he ever caught!'

plop. yo sat down.
(well, after he looked a bit to see if the
spider was really close by.)

as each brother wandered out, i'd shout
'big news, guys!' and tell about the spider
catchin' yo.

all thru lunch i pictured a spider freakin'
out over this big ol thing it caught!
grabbin' his friends and havin' a party!
leftovers tonite!

some days it takes very little to occupy
my mind.....

thinking walls

last thought of the morning......

why do people get so attached to their views?
i mean.....tiny views.
things that don't really matter, but to them
it's a personal insult if you think differently?
how come?

is it a security thing?
building a world that makes sense?

whatever it is, it's a drag.

i got to thinking about it yesterday.
then thought i really don't want to do that.

and then guess what?!
i saw myself do it!

groan.

NO KIDDING.

i woulda argued if someone else pointed it out
and said it wasn't a tiny thing to have a view on.

yeah.
yeah.
right.

yes it was.

so how much do we do this every day?
i'm thinking i do it in much more masked ways.
makes it harder to notice.
but i still do it.....

i saw me do it in my head with the kids.
so i have a plan.

i'm gonna put it out there to them at breakfast.
tell them what i was thinking.
and let them expand my thinking walls.
let them tell me how wrong i am.
and i'm gonna hear them.
cause you know what?
they're right.

maybe one day i won't have any thinking walls....
maybe i'll just have thinking.

just thinking

so an old friend from a million years ago pops up
and asks where life has brought me?

ahhhhh.......good thing he didn't EXACTLY ask that way.
grin.
really good thing for him.
can you imagine the answer???
he asked in a way that didn't exactly set me up for
a philosophical answer.....

i sat there and wondered how do you say where you've
been for the past 30 years?

i gave the typical brief low down.
well, brief for me.

but i've been thinking ever since.....
where HAS life brought me in the past 30 years?

am i using the time wisely?
what the heck is a wise way to use time???

ho.
ho.
ho.
kinda makes ya think, doesn't it??

when i was a kid.....

walkin' this morning when a wonderful, sweet memory
hit me in the face...
i remembered a walk with my dad when i was young.
he made me laugh over some silly joke he made. that
moment came back to me and i walked along with a goofy
smile on my face. i was right back there on that street
with him....

i adored my dad when i was a kid. he was king to me.

and i thought about that.

from my kid perspective, i KNEW without a doubt that
this man knew everything. that he was the wisest, strongest,
most wonderfulest man there ever was. and what he said
to me....well i KNEW it was true.

well.
i learned some not so good things from my dad.
not cause he was a bad guy....but because of all those
complicated life reasons.

i walked and thought about how i learned these things
on such a deep level. and i thought about how i viewed my
pop. i really think that the depth of my learning from
him was because i KNEW in my whole heart that it was true
cause dad said it.

and i think that's why it's so hard to UNLEARN that stuff.
cause i'm not sure there's ever been since or ever will be
again a time when i KNOW something like that.

it's the knowing that changes things.
i'm convinced of that.

in my head now i know dad was wrong. in my heart now i
know some stuff my dad never knew. when i really get
something down, i say it's in my bones.

head.
heart.
bones.

yeah.....but what about ENTIRE BEING?
um....would that be the ol 'cellular level' they
talk about?
like when i was a kid?
like when dad taught me?

i want to sit with this, cause i'm thinking that's
how come it's been so hard to get some of those darn
stinkin' lessons outta me!

food for thought.......

the sound of the ice cubes.....

my phone rang around midnite last nite.
just once then it stopped.
i laid in bed thinking about how those calls
can make me jittery. not much good news is passed
that time of nite.

an hour later the phone rang again.
this time more than one ring.
jittery, i picked it up.

it was my neighbor returning my call.
i heard his voice and i grinned.

it was his birthday yesterday and i had called and
left him a happy birthday message.

well, turns out he'd been celebratin' all day,
was a bit loose from the celebratin' and decided to
return the call.

grin.

he was totally oblivious to the time.
well, no, he did apologize for calling so late,
but he had just gotten my message.

big ol' smile at this point.

it was so good to hear something totally goofy
instead of all the things i thought it could be...

normally, he's the most thoughtful guy in the world,
and would never call past nine o'clock....ten o'clock
maybe if it was really important.

his drinking just changed his perspective last nite.

as i lay in bed after i hung up, i thought about
changing perspectives.

i want to change mine today.
drinking sounds like a good way to do it....
but i'm thinking i'll be drinking lotsa water.
and every time i have a sip and hear the ice cubes
hit and make that great sound they make, i'll think
of my neighbor today. you can change your perspective
lots of different ways. i want to try a healthy way.

he just reminded me that when you do, life can be
a lot more fun!

slippin' and slidin'.....

sittin' here really wonderin' how i work.
i actually woke up with some not so good thoughts.
they were in my head as i woke up.
okay. so where did that come from and why?

i'm kinda thinking i was processing as i slept??
and stuff kinda came to the surface.

this time tho......i tried not to get lost in those
thoughts but to figure out why those particular ones
came up. how come? what brought it on?
i have some vague theories i'm tossin' around.

there's a lot i can focus on. why the not so good?

interestingly enough, i've been fighting them all morning.
(the not so good thoughts)

i figure it's science experiment time again.

i can easily get lost in all this.
i've been teeterin' on the edge....but that's not
what i want to do.

i also know things come and go so much, that these will go.

so i'm gonna try hard to keep this a science experiment.
not fall into the yuck. just observe the yuck. where'd it come
from? why? what's it up to?

wouldn't that be awesome if i could get good at that?

i know darn well this is up to me.
and i'm seein' pretty clearly the things that make me
slip and slide more as i go along here.

so. gonna try to get to some firmer ground.

but then i guess the game continues.....
cause what makes THAT ground firm???
oh this can go on and on can't it......

as full as the moon...

if the moon wasn't full tonite, it sure looked it.
i saw it while in the car with him and his son as
we were headin' to meet up with my son.

it wasn't exactly the nite we had planned on...
but is it ever?

we never seem to have enough time for just us.
there's always life happening around us and more
than one son to be doin' something with.

but as i pulled into the parking lot pointing to
the moon, i felt pretty darn full too.
hopefully not as round.....but definitely full.
not sure any of the guys i was with knew it...
but it felt like a healing time.
it felt like something really valuable.
not just pizza.

there was laughter, and teasing, and talking.
but most of all it was time.
time together.

my mind wandered to someone i almost lost this
week. josh saw my face from across the table.
said i looked sad.

just for a moment.
then i came back.

who knows how long we have each other.
it might not have been the nite we planned tonite...
but sitting there with those crazies tonite
made me feel as full as that moon....

my toy box

i was sittin' here tryin' to figure out how i feel.
the first thing that came to my mind was a picture of a
big ol' black witche's stew pot. filled with all kindsa
things....

but it didn't quite work.......

and then....a big box of toys came to mind.
sitting on the floor with a box of toys in my lap.
diggin' thru. finding really pretty things that made
me light up with delight, finding worn out things that
i love and make me feel all good inside, and finding
things that i've out grown and don't matter to me anymore....
there were things that lost their shine and weren't
pretty anymore......things that were broken and needed
to be thrown out but were still there. things covered with
all the gunk from the bottom of the box...

oh man......i could go on forever.
but that's how i feel. you get the idea.
maybe.
grin.

like i've got this big box of life sittin' on my lap.
filled with every kinda thing there is.

and i've got different things in my hands all the time.
i keep changing things in my hands.
one minute it's really good....the next really hard....
one minute i'm clear...the next totally fuzzy....

the thing i think that i like most about the whole thought
is it's all in my hands.

not a control thing.
don't mean that.
well...control in a way......but more control of
my choices....

i mean i get to choose which things i'll pick up and
hold and pay attention to. and i get to choose how long
i'll do that.

i kinda like that thought.....

the haze

we talked.
short.
quick.
awkward.
strained.
weird.
but we talked.
and we set up a time for a longer talk.

it's not often i really think about the fact that
the person i am talking to is here and doesn't have
to be. i guess if we thought like that all the time,
we'd exhaust ourselves.....

but perhaps we should think of it more than we do.
or at least i should.
because it sure makes everything more precious.

even the strained and awkward is a gift.....

sometimes it's so obvious to me that if i just shifted
how i thought, i could see it all as a gift.
and then i turn and wander back into the haze and
forget.....

this morning for a few moments, the haze lifted,
and i knew it.

hangin' on.....lettin' go....

i hung on tight to him last nite.
i knew i missed him....
but it was more than that.
and he let me just hang on.
yeah, i eventually let go and just
stayed near him.
but in my heart i was hangin' on tight.

for lotsa reasons.
it's been a harder week than i really knew.
and i needed him more than i really knew.

and i've been thinking a lot of what makes
people crumble.

i can take this rough week.
it's not enough to make me crumble.
i may cry, and float outside myself, yeah...
but it's not crumbling stuff.

but i know darn well the things that would crumble
me to bits. been aware of them all week.
been grateful i've got what i've got....
and aware that no matter how much i hang on...
i can't keep anything.

so i hung on tight last nite wishing that could
be enough.
if you just could hang on tight enough that you could
just keep everything the way it is.

and then i sit back and let go again.

over and over again i try to learn to let go.

pass me my parachute please

okay.....please don't misunderstand this.
i'm not looking for a pep talk, so no need for
comments here.
what i thought i'd do is put something out that's
just floatin' around right now because i want to
be honest and real.

i didn't realize i gave any kinda impression that
i was clear in where i was goin' with life. i just
find that so confusing.

someone called today and asked me if i was always clear.

huh?!
me?!
i thought my muddleness was kinda written all over
my face.....

i made raspberry sounds in the phone when she asked me.
you gotta be kiddin' me?!

and then later this morning, it got quiet.
i haven't had much quiet lately.
and it got quiet.
and i was editing bone sighs.
and i got filled....filled....filled....
with self doubt and self criticism.

who are you kidding, ter?
this stuff isn't any good.
who the heck cares?
what the heck are you doin'?

yeah.
all those lovely thoughts.
it's hard and it's heavy and it's tiring.
yucky would be a good word.

so.
i wondered what i could do with it?

i can put it out here for one thing.
cause i'm thinking a lotta us have moments
like this.

and i guess what i'll do is put it on the shelf.

i don't really have the energy to argue it.
i recognize it as not good.
(brilliant of me, huh?)
and because of that will put it over there.

i'll see what happens from here.
i'm gonna keep editing and keep on goin' and
see how i feel in a bit.

one thing i've figured out.....
feelings change constantly.
gotta ride with the wind sometimes......

lookin' for my parachute......