celebrating take two!

it hasn't been my best month or two...
there has been a lot of stuff just eatin' at my insides.
i spend my days trying to focus on the good,
trying to look at life and be okay with it,
and sometimes just trying to keep going with a good attitude.

this morning as i thought about it, i thought 'it's just really kinda sucked.'

and then i thought of the word 'sucked.'

and it has.
it's been feelin' like it's been tryin' to suck the light out of me.

and like i've been fighting to keep that light in me.

that's what it feels like's been happening.

recently, i noticed something it did get from me.

the joy.
that got sucked right out of me.

and quite honestly, i think that's one of my best features -
i'm joyful.

'cept lately

i figured it out recently, and it scared me.
or worried me. or something.

cause i know i can't let that die.
i know that.

i did some thinking, and feel like i'm on the right track to get back
what i've lost. so that's all good.

and as if to celebrate that commitment, i get a day of joy today!
i woke up thinking about it and smiling!

i picked out my star earrings to wear.
i have stars dangling from my ears right now.
and as i put them on, i thought 'ohmygosh, have you forgotten???
you're filled with stars, terri! and you've forgotten!!'

but i could feel them tingling inside me today!

we're doin' 'take two' of noah's birthday today! me and my guys
are gonna take the darn day off and goof around!

oh, i can't even begin to say how much i need it.
how there isn't anything i'd rather do today than this.
and how i'm gonna soak up every darn joyful moment of it
and use it to remember that i can't lose my joy. i can't.

i have a hefty schedule today -
there's laughing and wandering and exploring and taking pictures
and laughing and talking and being and laughing and feeling joy.

i swear, the tears come to my eyes when i just think about touching joy today.
gosh, i've missed it.
how can we let part of ourselves disappear when those parts mean so much to us?
i guess we just get so distracted with other stuff, or the energy just gets wiped
away...or our heart begins to close...

you know what we need? we need all those little gauges like on the dashboard
of a car. your joy tank is low, your heart is getting cold, those kinda things.

i guess we have those, don't we? i sure can feel it when it's goin' on.
we just need to really pay attention and do more than just say 'oh yeah.'
we gotta fill up the tank!

today i'm fillin' the tank with some premium stuff, and i'm so tickled about that!
it's just what i need!

remembering

i turned off my driveway onto my street.

'and she walked...' i thought.

how many times have i turned onto this street trying to get my head together?

you'd think i'd have a pretty together head by now!

i walked and thought things like - 'what is it you want to do for you?
what is it you need to give yourself? what is it that you want, terri?
you don't have to raise kids anymore, where does that leave you without
that distraction? the responsibilities are different. it's time for you to give to you.
what will that be?'

aren't those great questions to ask yourself?
and how cool to enter a time of life when you can finally ask yourself that.
and yet, it's gonna take some work to figure this out.
it's been a lifetime of living for others.

and then thoughts that i didn't want to ramble thru my head, rambled on thru.
and i told myself that i was the master of my own thoughts. i didn't have to
let these guys ramble thru.

oh, yeah, easier said then done, i argued.

but the thing is, i've done this before.
i've taken thoughts that i felt would never stop running thru my head,
and i kept throwin' them out, and going back to ones i wanted.
over and over and over again.
and it worked.

so i tossed these thoughts out.
several times.
and figured i'd just keep tossing til i didn't need to toss anymore.

and then i got home and picked up the wild woman book and read a few pages.

my gosh...i saw what the book does for me.
the thoughts i had on my walk were things i was doing, working on, trying with.
which is all good and fine.
but...
the book reminds me - it's all inside me already.
when i read her words it's like i REMEMBER.

i have this feeling when i read that book,
i remember what's inside of me.

and i believe in it.

what an absolutely amazing gift to get this morning.
and every time i pick up that book.

i think i'm gonna glue it to my hips or something.

i'm gonna do the work i need to do.
always.
but what i want to do more than that is i want to remember on a daily basis.

adjusting the degrees

reading clarissa last nite, i hit a part talking about fire -
'a woman must be willing to burn hot, burn with passion, burn with words,
with ideas, with desire for whatever it is that she truly loves.'

she talks about how often we turn our backs to the fire -
'most of us would do better if we became more adept at watching
the fire under our work, if we watched more closely the cooking process
for nourishing the wild self.'

i love this woman.

but something about the wording i noticed......a woman must be WILLING
to burn hot.

willing.

when i'm in a good spot, oh, i am so willing.
i am diving right on in.

when i'm in a not so good spot, i'm not that interested.

and when i'm in a bad spot, i turn my back on it all.

that's the same as my heart, right?
that's like when my heart is open, closing and closed.

it feels like the same thing to me....
a woman must live with an open heart/a woman must be willing to burn hot.

i don't know, it feels the same to me.or not the same...
but like they're totally connected. you can't have one without the other.

i'm just wondering if sometimes if i focus more on my creative fire and tending that,
that maybe that's yet another tool to keeping my heart open.

seems that my heart closes because of my interactions with people.

seems like my heart awakens when i'm creative.

what if when i'm starting to feel myself being pulled under by people happenings
in my life, what if i MAKE A POINT of stoking my creative fire?

will that help?

it's got to.

i've done it instinctively to save myself when i started bone sighs.
it was a reaction to pain. it was a way to stay sane.

but what if i paid attention and focused on the creativity BEFORE the pain.
ya know?
as well as during and after.

what if i absolutely KNEW that doing creative things i love - was ESSENTIAL.

i've known that to some degree.
but this morning, what i'm trying to say is, i think that my degrees have been way off.
i think that this is more important for me than i ever realized. for everyone. not just me.

how many times do we put off/give up/leave a project for a reason that has nothing
to do with our heart's longing?

i knew it mattered not to do that.
i just don't think i really understood how much it matters not to do that.
this morning, i'm thinking it's huge.

and i'm kinda excited about this thought...

a pretty good nudge...

we don't really even know each other yet.
just thru blog posts and a few notes here and there.

we had exchanged a few quick notes yesterday.
i was closing down my computer, saw her last note where she said
she was getting sick, and decided to just write her quick and tell her i hoped
she felt better in the morning.

and then this thought popped into my head.
and then a nudge.
tell her the thought.
ah no, i don't want to tell her, i thought.
she doesn't know me and i'm gonna look like such a darn weirdo.
but you know these nudges - after awhile you start to trust them,
even when they do make you look foolish.

so i wrote her and told her one of the kindest things i ever do for myself -
and i do it very very rarely - is to take some quiet time all by myself, touch
my hand to my hair, kinda stroke it and tell myself i love myself.

yeah, i know.
i feel silly putting it out here.
BUT! if you've never done this.....you may want to try it.
i swear it's so darn powerful.

i think there's something with the touch with the words...
you just hit tenderness.

so as i typed i realized maybe it was ME who needed to hear this message.
maybe it was ME who needed this.

so last nite as i turned over to go to sleep, i did it.
and this time, for the first time ever, tears didn't immediately come to my eyes,
but something else happened.

it was like my inner child just stepped right out with me. like she was there.
and i found myself just gently touching my head talking to her.

and my gosh, did she need it.
she so needed it.

how is it parts of us need us so badly and we don't realize it????
or at least, that's the way with me.
i should have known tho.
and i guess from my nudge, part of me knew.

i soothed her, talked to her like a mom would talk to a child,
and i fell asleep with her. i fell asleep with part of me that's been feeling
really alone and forgotten.

how amazing is that?

there's so much to us.
we're so complicated. so intricate.
and yet, i guess, so easy.
we just need to love ourselves so badly.
to nurture oursleves - all of ourselves.

i wonder why i forget.
and i'm so thankful i remember.

my all time favorite book

i tell ya, i think every woman in the world should read
'women who run with the wolves.'

when i first read it about 20 years ago i fell in love with it.
i gave it as gifts to every female friend i had.
women either loved it OR said something like 'it made no sense to me.'
it was one extreme or the other.

no sense???
and that's usually what the negative comment was.
it was about it not making sense.

20 years later, i realize i read this book like i read a rumi poem.
the words are gorgeous, and i just let them fall into me and touch
all the deep places inside that logic just can't touch. things move
inside of me because of this book.

and it occurs to me that the women who didn't understand it were
very logical.

which is fine, they just need a different kinda book.
and i really wouldn't know which book that is! i'd be curious tho.

so, if you're really logic brained, perhaps not.
if you like rumi, i'm thinking for sure you need this book.
it's delicious and amazing.

i don't think i've ever had a book support me in my growth like this one.

and reading again, twenty years later, i see i've walked thru a lot of the fire
and i see i've gained a lot along the way. and what it's reminding me now,
isn't so much about allowing all that to happen - it's about using what i've learned.

it's about putting into practice the stuff i've gained along the way.
it's about living in intuition and awareness.
it's about respecting the wild inside that i now have met and know.

i'm in an entirely different spot this time around.

there was a time i grieved the loss of whatever died when i got divorced.
for lack of a better word, i'll use 'innocence.'
i grieved that i would never look at the world the same.
that the naive innocence was gone.

i actually thought it was something i'd feel sad about forever.

silly, girl.

i now find myself reveling in the fact that i've grown and traveled where i've
traveled. i'm not grieving the losses like i used to. some i don't grieve at all
anymore.

i see the gains.
and i wouldn't trade for anything.

now...i'd like to become more aware of using those gains.
of living them.

this book is waking all that up in me big time right now.
and i'm loving it...

the ol' guy down the street...

when i moved here twenty years ago, he was the old man down the street.
the character with the cigar forever hangin' out his mouth.

it's been twenty years of waving, calling out hello, and when i'd walk sometimes
he'd drive by in his truck with his cigar and stubbly face and stop and chat for a minute.
in the course of the years i found out he worked at the dump.
and i tell ya, he was the perfect guy for the job.
he just looked the part.

well, it HAS been twenty years, and he's even older, retired, but still
the stubbly face and cigar.

this morning, as i walked by his house - the house you drive by and wonder who in
the world lives there - he came down his front steps. i waved, hollered good morning
and he started walking across his yard towards me.

he'd never done that before.
i crossed the street, planning on meeting him at his fence.
he walked right thru the gate and out to me.

'he's not gonna hug me, is he?' i thought.
and i had to laugh to myself later.
how many people think that when i approach them?
cause chances are, i am going to reach out and hug them.
maybe i should think those hugs thru a bit more.

he didn't hug me. he just stopped and chatted. telling me he hadn't
seen me in ages and was wondering if something happened to me.

nope. i'm just fine.

he asked where i'd been hiding.
i grinned and said i HAD been hiding a bit.
and i looked at his face....he'd never get what i really meant.
about how i'd been hiding from life lately and just not quite myself.

i changed the subject.
asked him a bit about himself, and then backed up to go finish my walk.

as i turned to go on my way, he said again 'i thought something happened to you.'

it occurred to me that he was letting me know he was glad i was okay.
his coming down to the street and checkin in on me was his way.

i smiled and realized that the fact that nothing had happened to me is a
really good thing and something to be grateful for.

we forget.
we think we're always here.
we think we're entitled to the walk in the morning or whatever.

and that neighbor of mine, that character filled neighbor of mine,
reminded me that i'm really very lucky...and that i don't want to waste
my time hiding anymore.

refocusing...

i woke up all excited for the day.
the guys and i were gonna take it, go downtown, bum around
and celebrate noah.

we have done a little celebrating here and there around the edges.
they spent the day with their dad yesterday, so when they got home,
bob and i were waiting with dessert and a few presents.

finances have forced some big time budgeting around here.
and i had been pretty bummed that i couldn't splurge on noah like i wanted
to. noah, being 23 and wonderful anyway, of course understood and didn't
care. i cared. but knew i had to be responsible so did the best i could and
hoped it'd be okay.

it was more than okay. it was wonderful.
when they landed i was so excited to see them and the energy was flowing.
bob got a lotta phone calls and would get up to get them, and the chatter
just kept goin' right on thru. it didn't pause. bob got up, left, and the voices
never missed a beat. he'd return and it all kept goin'. the phone would ring
again, and we'd repeat. it was like you couldn't stop the energy, it would dance
with whatever came its way. it felt so good. i noticed it and loved it.

this morning as i put on my shirt that says 'gratitude' i thought about last nite.
i thought about the budgeting i had to do, and i thought about it really being
okay as the big thing was bumming around today and it was gonna be so
good. i felt that rich feeling i get sometimes when i know it's not about money.
it's been awhile since i've felt that as money's been so on my mind for months
now.

but i felt it.....the rich feeling.
we're gonna go have a rich day just because it's gonna be so fun.
slipped on my favorite birthday earrings and came down to an email from
noah. he had written it in the early morning hours.......he was getting my cold
and was gonna sleep in, and we'll celebrate another day.

bam.

you'd think it was my birthday celebration.
i felt so sad.
and worse yet....i'm the one who started the darn cold.

it hit hard.
i really wanted to celebrate him.
and yeah, i know.....it's not like we can't do it another day.
yeah, i know.
i really do.

but i was bummed.

and then i thought about that rich feeling.
i thought about how much i was looking forward to this day.
and i think all of us were.
i think all of us wanted to do it.

and i thought of my wearing the word 'gratitude' on my shirt today.

how incredible that i can be so bummed that i miss a day goofin
with my sons today.
how rich am i that i have them around and willing to share time with me.

i thought about how bummed i was when i had to budget.
seriously bummed.
and how it doesn't matter.
and i forget.
it distracts me from the fact that what matters is the love.

and i know that focusing on what i'm missing today will only make
me miss today. i'll treat noah extra good. i'm immune now and will
be able to wait on him like king.

and we'll celebrate another day.
maybe all i need to hold today is the fact that they mean so much to me
and when the time is right, we're gonna go have a ball.

i'll be mature about this, refocus and concentrate on the gratitude.

but you'd better believe...there's gonna be a round two to this celebrating.
cause i want my turn to goof with these apes!!

mister noah

i remember his birth so clearly.
i can close my eyes and be back holding him as a newborn.
him and that dent in his head he met the world with.
turns out he had been leaning on my hip bone while inside me
and had a bit of a dent in his head! yeah, it did go away...but i
still tease him about it. it was quite a dent!

i had read a parenting book...about holding your baby all the time.
constant contact. i believe it was called 'the continuum concept.'
so i changed from being someone who slept on my side, to laying
flat on my back, letting my newborn sleep on top of me every nite.
he'd fall asleep to my heartbeat, i'd fall asleep to his breathing.

i remember the first nite wondering if i'd ever get the hang of it.
wasn't that hard.
turns out, i missed that little lump when he got too big.

was much harder to get the hang of missing him.

well, he's six foot four inches now. and one of the most incredible
men you'll ever meet. it's his 23rd birthday today.

when he was really tiny, sleeping on top of me, he grew.
it happens.
and then he kinda sideways slept on me.
and then he grew some more.
and he kinda slept right next to me.
and he grew some more
and some more
and some more.

and each time it was hard to get the hang of missing him.

it seems kinda like i'm in that spot again.

we're still in the same house. but only because of finances.
and i know that.
and i know that it's time for me to step way way back.
and i've been doin' that.
i've been aware of it and doin' it.

i know it's part of the job.
and i've always taken the job seriously.
so i've been doin' it.

and it feels a lot like the very first time i ever had to get the hang of missing him.
and the second time i had to get the hang of it.
and the third and the fiftieth.

wouldn't you think i'd get the hang of it by now?

i haven't.

but i tell ya, days like today, when i look back at the whole journey,
when i remember that tiny lump breathing right there while i slept,
when i remember all the stages, all the incredible beauty and love that
this guy has inside of him and how it's just burst thru him so gently all
his life - i feel so darn lucky to have this problem of getting the hang of
stepping back.

cause i got a pretty darn good up close and personal.
and what an honor it's been.

he's truly one of the most beautiful people i know.
and handing him off to the world is one of the most important things i've
ever done with my life.

the world is better for having noah in it.
if you haven't been over to see some of his own art,
check him out. 
you'll get a little feel for his soul there.

happy birthday, mister noah!
what a fine mister you've become!

having finished with the cold...

i don't know...it's been a hazy few days.
between the cold and cold medicine, life's been fuzzy.

thru the haze, there's been some pretty straightforward in your face kinda reminders.

life reminders.

there was a sudden passing in one of my friend's lives.
her note to let everyone know point blank reminded us that we didn't know how long we had,
and 'to say i love you a lot.'

there were other reminders too.
seemed like lots of them.
things people would write, things i'd hear people say...

i've been using the hazy cold down time to think, to see where i am with life,
to see how i'm feeling about it all.

'passive' seems to be the word i'd pick to describe how i was when i got the cold.
that'd make sense to me too.
passive and just kinda depleted.

i've watched it and tried to be something different, but it was still all inside of me.
just running thru me like a river.

but i feel like with the cold i've lived about as passive as i could the last few days
and i'm really done with it. between watching, getting the reminders, and not having
the energy to do what i've wanted...i'm totally ready to get back into the game.

for real.
with a twist.

i've been doin' a whole lotta thinking.
even before the haze of the cold.
a whole lot.

i want to start working with some of the thoughts.
tinkering with them in real time.
seeing if i can expand a bit on this living i'm doing.

do i even know what i'm talking about?
nah.

i just know i'm different coming out of the cold than going in.
and i've got a lot i want to experiment with.

life certainly can knock me flat sometimes.
it really really can.

but then again...it can intrigue me enough to not only make me want to get back up again,
it makes me want to lean over and peer around the corner and peek into some of the
amazing places that are out there waiting for me.

putting the cold down, slipping my walkin' shoes on, and off to check out a few
new places on the road...

celebrating!

there's big big news today with a friend of mine.
something she's been wanting for a long time now, happened.
it's not like she got a new car, or she got the contract on the house,
or even found a new love of her life...

um....nooooo....i take that back........
she DID find a new love of her life.
but this love is inside her!
not outside.

she's been doin' a ton of inner work.
in fact, i think that's how i met her.
she bumped into bone sighs and they hit some of the stuff she was feeling
and we got to talkin.

and she's shared some of her journey with me.
it's hard stuff, and she's not out of the woods yet.
she's still wrapped in some pretty intense darkness.

but now she's found another piece of herself to travel thru that darkness with.

my favorite part of her story, and what i wanted to share here is that she never
saw it coming.

she said 'bam' it just hit.

boy do i know those 'bams'.....outta the blue.

thing is....from where i sat and watched, i saw clearly it wasn't outta the blue.
no way at all.
she had no idea when it'd happen, and she had no control of how it happened,
but the fact that it did indeed happen was because of all the work she's put in.

she's prepared the soil, ya know?
plowed it, hoed it, whacked those huge clumps of clay, she prepared the start
of a garden.

and i'm not sure she even knew what she was doing.
she just knew she was trying hard.

and to her, it felt like it wasn't working.
like she couldn't get it 'right.'

and then bam.
one heck of a sprout came out of that garden soil.
and she's rejoicing today.
and i'm rejoicing with her...
and honoring this crazy process we go thru.

i wanted to put it out here, to remind all of us who are whackin' at our
own hunks of clay, or just hoeing and hoeing and hoeing and feelin' like
we're gettin' nowhere.....

we're doin' good.
we're doin' just what we need to be doin'.
we're preparin the way for that first sprout.
or heck...maybe the visual's wrong.
with that 'bam!' maybe we're clearin' the way for some wonderful
treasure to fall from the sky. maybe from the sky inside us.
and it falls bam! right into our garden.
and shoots life into it.

maybe that's the visual.....

whatever it is we're celebrating....
and reminding all of us.....just keep trusting.
just keep trusting.

OHMYGOSH........A BIG P.S.

you know what??

i left out a big part........

bam! it landed on her......but she had to trust it and walk thru it

and look at some darkness to find the gold.

that's a pretty big part.

i can't believe i left that out.

she had to TRUST the moment and walk into it.

oh yeah....that's important!

bam it landed on her.
she didn't turn away....
and that's how she found her treasure.

ha! she rocks!
and this whole process really can rock too, can't it?

the cold that just seems right....

i got a cold last nite.
not even sure how to explain this,
but when i felt it coming on it was like 'of course.'

i had visited with a friend with a cold.
i'm a big believer in your emotions having a lot to do with
how strong your immune system is for these things.

and i gotta say - i really think my immune system was wide open to the cold.

i've been strugglin on the inside for a bit now.
my emotions have been strong and difficult for me to deal with.

getting the cold makes sense to me.
and something that makes sense actually feels okay.

it's time for some quiet, rest, and taking care of myself.

and yeah, it is.

the guys will keep their distance from me.
i'll be here putterin' on work and hangin' out alone in the quiet.

and right now i think that's exactly what i need.

i have some stuff i have to get okay with.
and i think this is how i'll get there...thru this silly cold.

isn't that the weirdest thing?
and absolutely cool.........

allowing and trust again?! jeesh....

i went off in search of inspiration this morning.

the first thing i did was go to a book i have on personality types.
i looked up my type and looked at the 'practices that help my type develop.'
or...'stuff to do when feeling crazed.'

the best bit i got, i thought a lot of us could use - no matter what personality
type you are.

'remember feelings aren't facts.'

oh yeah.

for me, that's a big one.
really big.

so i sat with that for awhile.
really sat with it.
saw how i needed to do a little untangling there.

then i hit a few more books that were no help at all...
and then this.......
from 'when love meets fear' -

'no amount of self-parenting or therapy can reverse or eliminate the
inconsolable part of us. true health is in accepting the irreversibility of the
inconsolability.........
freedom happens to us when we no longer look for consolation of the
inconsolable in anybody or anything.'

okay........it's back to 'allowing' or something like that.

allowing and trust.

man, sometimes that stuff gets old........
but.......i guess it's the deal.
so i'll try again.

gentleness

i hadn't even gotten off my driveway when the gentleness of the morning just
hit me.

well, i guess gentleness doesn't 'hit' does it?

how about this? all my senses became aware of it.

ohhhhhhhh.....

i turned the corner up the street.
there was a sunrise goin' on up there.

ohmygosh...totally stunning.

thing is, it would be to my back.
sigh.

so i stood there for a few minutes just looking at it.
then i started walking the other way.
but i kept turning around.

i can't figure out how to walk and see everything.
if i walk towards the sunrise, then i miss the sky lighting up
in this big ol' patch of sky i like to watch.

if i catch the patch of sky, i can't see the morning roaring
to a start up the road.

it can make a person crazy.
i want to see it all.

but whichever way i looked, i felt the gentleness.

i thought about what makes a gentle morning gentle.

my snotty side stepped in and said the obvious -
'well, gee, ter....i guess no huge winds, no pouring rain,
no lightning.'

okay. okay.
but what really does?

i looked at the colors and felt the soft breeze.

i watched the cars driving under the sky that was breaking into day.
did they see it?
could they see it from underneath it?
did they care?
could they feel the gentleness?

i just walked and soaked it in.
things would come up that distracted me.
some things that had been botherin' me came up.
bubble.
bubble.
bubble.
but i'd just shush them and wrap them in the gentleness.

i just wanted to feel it while i had it all around me.

i wanted to appreciate it being there.....

silly shows...

okay.
i don't even have a tv.
it's just not my thing.
i'd be fine with never owning one.

the guys, however, revolted at some point and bought themselves a flat screen.
and they stream some tv shows thru the computer. so they're my link to
hearing a name of a tv show. they mostly watch without me.

i DO see some stuff......altho i'm usually behind a few years. and it's not much.
zakk put his foot down and won't let me watch things from over 10-15 years ago
that i've missed. he tries hard to keep me current and he cringes over and over
at my complete illiteracy of actors and famous people.

i mostly watch things to spend time with them.
but i just can't deal with most of it
i am tryin' harder to remember a famous name or two so zakk doesn't
feel too ashamed.

they got involved in some science fiction show that i had never heard of and
were enjoying. so one nite, in the mood to hang with them, i watched one.

you can imagine....if tv's not my thing, science fiction more than likely wouldn't
be either. but hanging with my sons is, so i watched.

the name of the show is 'dr, who.' and i might be the only one on the planet who'd
never heard of it. i now see it referenced here and there.

the ones i watched with the guys are a few years back, i think. not the current ones.
and while science fiction really isn't my thing, the doctor caught my attention.

he liked to explore and have fun for the sake of exploring and having fun. he looked
at all creatures, no matter how ghastly with compassion and interest and caring. he
never wanted to hurt things, and he struggled deeply with watching the way the beings
in the universe treated each other. and in the face of really awful happenings, he made jokes.
all the while there was this inner turmoil inside of him.

so, okay, i liked this guy.
and these really dopey shows would speak to me about how i wanted to live.
yeah.
no kidding.
so i watched some with the guys.
they couldn't figure out how or why i liked them, but were pleased to share them with me.
and i would watch and think about my life and how i wanted to be more open, and i did self
therapy while i watched.

well, they changed doctors. i don't really get that part....but apparently they change the
main character every so often into a different guy. and when that happened, the whole
persona that had caught me changed and i didn't care about these goofy shows anymore.
and i had seen enough tv and had enough sharing. i haven't watched one with the guys
in a long time.

so last nite, after a day of pouring my heart out with bob and crying over some life stuff
i was struggling with, after he had gone home and the guys had returned home, and it was too
late for anything, and i was just exhausted, the guys asked me if i wanted to watch something.

'can we watch something light and funny?' i asked.

and we ended up watching some 'special' dr. who.
it had the doc i liked.

and it was anything but light and funny.
at some point while i cried thru it, the guys turned to me and asked if i wanted to watch
something else. 'light and funny' it was not, and they were worried about me with the crying.
they knew i had been strugglin' with some stuff.

i looked at them with a face full of tears 'this is perfect. exactly what i needed.'

with confusion, they started the show back up again.

the story was all about the doctor walkin' into a new adventure just wanting to have fun
and see new things.....and then realizing he walked into a day where everyone he was with
died and he couldn't change it. he couldn't change what was going on. and as he listened
and watched, he was tormented.

okay......this was hitting some stuff inside of me.

i thought about how i just had to let things be. and i watched how it tormented him and
i thought of my own torment. i thought about the strength it took to really hold life.

and then.....he did something totally out of character........he changed it all at the last minute
and saved the remaining people.

he buckled.
but of course, that buckling wasn't a good thing, and it woke up the darker parts of him.

so i sat there crying and thinking about life.
about how i'm so aware right now of 'standing what i see.'
i'm so aware that that's my job right now.
how i just need to be able to see.
how i can't change things.
and how i want to find the 'light' inside of me.
not wake up the dark parts.

when it ended i just sat on the couch with a soaking wet face from my tears.
the guys, of course, had no idea what to say.

i laughed and went to take a shower.
and to think about what that crazy show had just said to me.

if we had the power to change it, would we?
would it be that easy?

to stand what i see.......
that's what i'm working on right now.
and go figure, a crazy science fiction show spoke to me about it last nite.

life is just so weird.

a day's end...

i was pretty worn out.
finished work later than i had planned, and headed to the grocery store.
it was just sposed to be a quick stop. pick up a few things and go.

i wandered every aisle of that store.
and i wandered it well.
i took forever in there.
i was in slow motion with much more attention on food than was needed.

it was like i was in a grocery time out.
the world stopped, i disappeared with nothing but food to think about.
and it wasn't thinking planning like 'oh i should get these ingredients to make this....'

oh no.

it was more like..........'wow.......look at that. i never saw that before.'
'mmmmm.......i bet this is interesting to cook with.'
'wow.......all these cookies and i can't figure out which ones to get.
how come with all these cookies nothing's jumping off the shelf at me?'
(i think i was in the cookie aisle the longest)

when i finally arrived home with much more food than i went to get,
i had a message waiting for me.
my girlfriend had swung by to read me a poem, i wasn't home,
she hoped i was out having grand life adventures and call when i had time.

i laughed at the 'grand life adventures' part......yeah........that would be the grocery store.

she had been working on a poem.
she had read part of it to me when we met for coffee earlier in the week.
i had cried when i heard it.

putting the groceries away, i still had hopes that i would make a nice big healthy
dinner for myself. i knew the energy was gettin' pretty darn low....but still...it'd
be a good thing to do.

maybe i'll start cooking when i call her back, i thought.
all the food in its place, i reached for the phone and called her.
and promptly sat myself down at my table and never got up to do a darn thing.

she read me her poem.
i cried again.
asked her to read it again.
i cried the second time.

and we talked.
as only two girlfriends can talk........about life......about where we were before
we came to this planet...about trying to deal with being a human.

and we needed each other.
as only two girlfriends can need each other.
we laughed and we cried and we filled each other up with love.

i hung up to go make dinner.......turned to the food....closed the cupboards
and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and sat down with a book.

i was done.
i was carrying a lot inside me about my day.
stuff i'm not ready to share with anyone else.
stuff i need to hold a bit by myself.

but last nite, while i held it.......i held my girlfriend's laugh with it.
and i remembered how full life is.
how you have to hold all of it.
and how lucky i was to have such a mix to hold.

mmmmm......

'To take the world into one's arms and to act toward it in a soul-filled and
soul-strengthening manner is a powerful act of wildish spirit.'

-clarissa pinkola estes

never made it to work...

i was putting my shoes on, getting ready for a walk and jokin' with the guys.
they were both up early and noah was explaining why.
it was when he got to the 'there's a traffic jam out my window' that i stopped with my shoes.

there is??? i asked.

i had been down in my studio, and hadn't noticed.

one shoe on, one shoe in my hand, i walked up to the living room.
there was a row of headlights out in front of our house.

'oooooooooohhhhhhhh that's an accident,' i said.
people cut thru the neighborhood when stuff happens on the highway.

zakk commented on where it happened and said it was a 'fatal accident.'

he had checked.

'really?'
'it was fatal?'
'someone just died on their way to work?'
and i just stood there looking at all those headlights.

wow.
i actually choked up thinking about it.

i wanted to know who and how and i wanted to send them light.
i asked zakk how he found out, he showed me the traffic report.

it was a traffic report.
it was about traffic.

it wasn't about who died or how they died or how worlds just changed.
it was about how the rest of the people were gonna get by it as easy as
possible and get to work.

of course.
it's traffic.

where i walk to think about this stuff is jammed.
probably with people really annoyed they're being slowed down.
it's not the place for a walk this morning.
i'm still hearing sirens.
apparently i didn't even notice the helicopters.

when all this was going on, i was deep in thought down here writing a friend.
i was trying to help her sort some stuff out inside her.

i was writing to remind her that we've all got stuff inside...
it's what we do with that stuff that matters.

i was lost in thought......never heard the helicopters.

talk about a smack in the face reminder that it's short......we have no idea
how long we've got.....and it's up to us what we do with it.
how showing up for our day isn't guaranteed.

i'm gonna go sit in my back yard and send some light out in the direction
of the highway...in the direction of the world...and i'm gonna remember
what it is i've got. and showing up for work is going to be something i
totally appreciate today.

you'll like this....

it's hard to know part of people's stories and not be able to share them
cause you're tryin' to respect privacy.
man, sometimes that kills me cause i just know it would help to hear
everyone's stories!!

but you know what? maybe all i need to say anyway is that this woman
has faced and continues to face some pretty huge life challenges.
maybe it's good to leave it like that as a whole lot of you have too.

with that in mind, i listened to her singing 'my life' and was so moved
and wanted to share it here.....

with great pleasure, i offer you grace........

standing and holding...

something i read in the women/wolf book was about 'being able to stand what one sees.'

that idea really hit me.

sometimes i feel like i 'see' too much, and i wish i didn't.
i really do.
i struggle with what i see and what to do with it.
so i read that and thought about it and thought about how i really want to learn
to 'stand it.'

that i have to.
and somehow i know that's part of really gaining some strides on the journey.
so i decided i was gonna work on that.

and gosh darn it, what is up with the way things fall on me after i make
these decisions???  cause within hours, i got my face dunked right into the icky stuff of life.

you want to see, terri? you want to try to stand it?
here.....look at this.

by the time i was done being immersed in it all, i was just so tired. i couldn't even think
anymore. i couldn't figure it out. i totally didn't know what was the right thing for me
to do with the situation. i was completely lost.

i'm thinking it's gonna be a long time before i really figure out what the right thing
for me to do in the situation is.

and i'm thinking that might be okay.
that figuring that part out really isn't the important part.
while it matters, it's also a distraction.

the part that's necessary is staring at it full in the face, and standing what i see.

i'm not sure about this as i'm new to it.
but the thought crosses my mind that in the very act of 'standing what i see' is
a sort of a holding of a light.

i'm not sure how....maybe somehow the being able to look and stay present is somehow related
to believing in life so strongly or holding faith....or it can only be done with your toes wrapped
around love....or something..........somehow it's related to light.

and so somehow you're holding light when you do that.

and i know......i really really know that it's more than likely that my tiny light won't do
a darn thing in the presence of this.

but that's not the point.
the point is that there is light.
and i can hold it.
by standing what i see.

and maybe....maybe....when you just don't know what else to do.......maybe holding light
is enough.

maybe it's everything.

good good stuff!

too good not to share.........

'One of the least discussed issues of individuation is that as you
shine the light into the dark of your psyche as strongly as you can,
the shadows, where the light is not, grow even darker. So when we
illuminate some part of the psyche, there is a resultant deeper dark
to contend with. This dark cannot be let alone. The key, the questions,
cannot be hidden or forgotten. They must be asked. They must
be answered.

The deepest work is usually the darkest. A brave woman, a wisening
woman, will develop the poorest psychic land, for if she builds
only on the best land of the her psyche, she will have for a view
the least of what she is. So do not be afraid to investigate the worst.
it only guaranteed increase of soul power.'

-women who run with the wolves

the little moments....

we were having lunch.
the guys were talkin' cars and business and politics.
there was a lull.

so i piped in.

'i saw god today. he was a black guy in an SUV.'

i went back to eating.

there was this silence.
everyone tryin' to figure out where that came from.
you could hear their gears kinda jam up in their minds.

i grinned and told them my story.

i was walkin'. was deep in the middle of some thoughts
when an SUV pulled up alongside of me. this black guy puts
his window down.

(now, to be clear, i always say people's color or say 'hispanic guy'
or whatever nationality. we're really mixed around here. and i'm really visual.
so it's part of the picturing. when someone else tells me their stories,
i need colors/nationalities and age. the age helps a lot.i need to visualize.
i'd love it if they threw in things like 'heavy set' or 'with a mustache' or whatever -
but no one else seems to need that from my stories, so i rarely put that in. but in case
you need it for this story - he was about my age, no facial hair. regular build)

anyway.........this guy puts his window down, kinda leans out a bit
and tells me his dog got out.

i immediately pointed around the corner as i had JUST heard all the dogs goin'
crazy on the other street.

he thanked me, and said so gently 'i just didn't want you to be startled.'

he wasn't stopping to have me tell him if i saw the dog.
it was the other way around.
he wanted to tell me about the dog so he didn't scare me.

and then he was off.

he was so incredibly gentle. i mean, i felt covered in gentleness.
and it felt so good.

how often does that happen?

and as he pulled off, i just felt it and was amazed at the man's demeanor.
'it was like god just pulled up.' i thought.

god would have to be that gentle.
altho, god rarely seems to care if he startles me.

i think i liked this guy better.

i thought of him again on my walk this morning.
and his gentleness.
and how goodness shows up in such little moments.

i needed to remember that this morning as the world's seemed less than
gentle lately. i decided i was going to look for these little moments today.
just look for them and hold them when they come thru.

and maybe offer a few back.

more slippin' and slidin'......

i'm thinking a whole lot of us would like to tweak our live's scripts.

i would.
there are things i just wouldn't have written in, or i would have written in differently.

but since i don't write the script  and there's not much i can do there - specially as

there's other people involved -
i guess where i gotta look is what i do with it.
that part i write.

that part i can tweak.

basic enough, right?

yeah, well.....i can be thick headed.

i'm just now arriving at this thought with my stuff lately.

i realized yesterday that once again i had fallen into one of my default modes.

one of those ways i fall into to 'handle' things. to make life easier.

and one that's not healthy. 

it's my own form of denial or something.
i don't know.
i just know it's not healthy.

i got sad.

sad that things weren't easier.

sad that once again i had fallen into the old patterns.

and these darn stinkin' old patterns scare me a lot.
they're from a way of life i left.
and i've seen what they've done to people.
and i don't want them.

yet, there i was. doin' it. immersed in them. and not even knowing it.

and the heaviness of realizing it hung all over me last nite.

so.

this morning i woke up figurin' i'd be pretty darn blue.
pretty darn wobbly. pretty darn lost.

again.

but nope.
i'm not.
i took a walk and thought about it all.
and while i'm sad that i slip back into it all so easily, i also understand that,
and am not kicking myself over it.
i'm relieved i caught it and decided to put that stuff down

and  live what it is i want.

and that is to see what's going on.
and to work with what's going on.

it's not to freak out cause i slip.

it's not to hide because it's hard.
and it's not to make something different than it really is in my mind.

it's to look, see, hold, and work with what's there.

and that's it.

so um....maybe i oughtta do that.

step up and do that.

ten years ago when i was in my women's group. the counselor, molly,
would lean over and touch my arm when i'd get really frustrated because i couldn't make
everything okay right that minute. she'd touch my arm and look at me and say

'terri, it took you 40 years to get here, you can't change it all in two weeks.'

ten years later, i can still hear her.
ten years later.

but i can see the progress. 

cause i tell ya, i woulda been under my bed hiding at this point just a bit ago.

nah, not hiding now, i'm just gonna step up and hold what's real and deal with it.

feels kinda good.
and if i slip again?

i'll start all over again.
cause it takes some time and some practice to get this life stuff down. 

the little things......

there was some good natured goofin' goin' on.
and he shot back something that made me lean back in my chair
and laugh out loud.

and the delight ran all over me.

i noticed it.

it's cause only someone really really close to me would have joked that way.

i felt how special it was to have someone you love like this.
how special it was to have someone who knew the ins and outs so well.
how good that feels.

i noticed the same thing in a different way not too long ago.

it was something no one else would have noticed...
it was how i handed him my earrings.
i'm willing to bet my first born that he didn't even notice.

it was a pretty darn brief moment.

but i noticed it.
it's something i'd only do with him.
and because of that, i saw it.
i watched it happen.

i thought of it later, pictured it and held it.

i don't take that for granted.
it's been too long a road for me to do that.

the moments with someone you love that can't be shared with anyone else...
those are the pieces of gold that i never want to miss.

they aren't kidding about the 'little things' beign what it's all about........

inner predators....

i remember the first time i read her section on the 'inner predator' -
i didn't think i had one.
closed the book and went to take a shower.
as i got out of the shower i heard myself berating myself for this and for that.
the words were harsh and mean.

oooooooohh....THAT'S what she means, i thought.

seriously, it took less than half an hour to find it!
that was about twenty years ago.

i read part of the section again this morning.
now i knew i had one of those darn inner predators.
had no question about that.
but was wondering now about the different forms it showed up
and in what ways was it there that i wasn't realizing.

didn't stop long to think about. was just a quick wondering.
a thought that i need to keep my eyes open.

and then i headed off for a walk.
my mind wandered all over the place.
started feelin' guilty about something.
'yeah....i should prolly do this...." i thought with guilt.

figuring out how to make that all better by doing something i didn't want to,
but 'they' wanted, my thoughts traveled on.

a whole different thought.
again....guilt.
'yeah.....i should prolly do this....' i thought with guilt.

and yep, sure enough it was figurin' out how to make something 'all better'
by doing something i didn't want to, but 'they' wanted.

and no kidding, by the third guilt trip i dropped on myself, i noticed it.

THREE guilt trips right in a row.

woe.
what's up with all the guilt???

guilt.
hmmmmmm.............

i haven't done anything wrong.
why the guilt?
can this be a form of the inner predator???

sure felt like i was hurting myself in the process.
taking me away from the things i loved to do things i didn't love -
to make other people happy.

hmmmm.....something i've noticed about the psyche....
it can be pretty sneaky.

sure felt like an inner predator to me.
a darn sneaky inner predator.

....it sure didn't feel like living real to me.
so. now.
what do i do with that?

do i believe in the quest to find and live real and follow it
or do i try to make everyone happy?

yeah.
i know.
if you put it that way........

kickin' my inner predator to the curb
and headin' off to hold some real.

thoughts on this day....

it had nothing to do with september 11th -
the fact that my entire world was exploding and crumbling
and i felt like i was losing everything.
but that is exactly where i was on september 11th.
just trying to stand up and make my kids days somehow work.

it literally was taking every ounce of energy i had to keep going
for the kids.

when my neighbor called and told me to turn on the tv,
i didn't even know how to take it all in.
i just didn't know how to hold everything.
i didn't even think i could.
it was too much.

my heart couldn't handle any more grief.
and yet...how could it not?

and then everything got even crazier.
so much grief, fear, hate, confusion.
everywhere.

there was so much goodness. so much caring mixed thru it all.
and yet so much hate and so much anger.
and always always so much grief.
it was such a difficult difficult whirlwind.

i look back over ten years.

i've rebuilt my life.
and it has been brick by brick.
it truly has.
and here's the thing-

things that were missing are now running in full force.
'real' and 'love' now weave their way thru everything in my life.
the good parts that i needed and didn't have, i built.
or i opened the space for them to come in.

and i can only reflect from that angle.
from the angle i know and i've lived.

and the thought that runs thru my head today is this -
moving forward is how we honor the act of living,
moving forward in a direction of love and compassion and awareness,
and opening the space to become more  is how we honor those who have died.

in every aspect of our lives.

and that is a way we could honor 9/11.

my mug

i saw this quote yesterday on dani's blog -

'be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.'

i read it and kinda just held it.
i knew that i needed to keep that especially in mind yesterday.
the funny thing is, i always think of other people.
who i need to be kind to, some of them great challenges for me...
and i forget to add myself to the group.

here and there i remember.
but yesterday i was concentrating on other people.
and looking back, i really see how i coulda used more of it
from myself yesterday.

for various reasons, it was a hard day for me.
and right when all the hard seemed to be kinda maxxin' out,
and i was fighting back the tears, and feeling the self doubt
just rising up like a tide,
i turned to open a box that had come in the mail.

a gift from a friend.

i read the note first.
and i noticed what i did.
i stopped everything and sat down, put my feet up,
and just held it. i looked at her writing and the art
she had put at the top. and i just soaked it in.

it was definitely perfect timing.
and then i reached in the box and pulled out her gift.

she made it.
and she made it special for me.
a mug.
it had my little bone sigh guy(gal) on it,
said bone sigh arts right there
and on the bottom the words 'honor yourself'.

i literally gasped.
and then the tears started rolling down my face.

her timing couldn't have been more perfect.
and the thing is...the love in this, and the generosity...

she had to wait to get the money to mail it.

and while i gotta tell ya, i'm tired of tight finances and really ready
to be rich, the fact that i understand the mailing deal means the world to me.
it reminds me that there's gold even in tight finances.
you understand the value of stuff in a whole different way.
i knew she'd have to do that.
i really understood the generosity of the whole gift.
and the love.
ohmygosh the love.
you hold this mug and you just feel it.
it fits perfect in my hand.

i came home last nite after my day was all finished,
and everything i needed to do done,
and i filled my mug with water.

i picked water on purpose.
i wanted things like clean, pure, healthy....those words
meant a lot to me at the end of the day, and i just wanted that.
so i deliberately picked water to fill my mug.

and i sat and i sipped my water and held my mug and felt loved.

and i thought of that quote i had read in the morning -

'be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.'

i'm gonna treasure my mug forever...

a good start...

it was one of those quirks of my dad's.
we just weren't allowed to sit on the counters in the kitchen.
so, of course, i've always wanted to sit on the counters.

so at my house, while i don't do it often, it's one of my favorite spots.
and when one of the guys sits up there and chats, i just love it.

and then if counter sitting can take place at someone else's house,
it's a complete and royal treat for me.

no one may ever see it, but there's always a delighted inside reaction
when there's counter sitting. always.

so, last nite, while the other two had no idea, i was delighting in our
place of conversation- two of us sitting on his counter, the third leaning
on it.

here we were in this corner just chatting.

if you walked in, you'd think nothing of it. three people just hanging out.
and yet, it was our first step into some healing we've needed to do.
it mattered.

and of all places...the counter.

there was one point i was so aware of it and so delighted about it that
i wasn't sure i'd be able to keep the laugh of delight back. i did.
it just came out as a smile.but inside there was a squirm of delight.

we couldn't have been sitting there together like that if there had not been
about twenty thousand small choices towards love over a long and hard period.
i knew that and was so thankful for those choices.

healing.
it can take years. it can take moments.
i think it's gonna be both...

but it started on the counter.
and i'm thinking it couldn't have started any better.

stirrings....

this book looks exactly like you would think it would.
i've had it for -ohmygosh- i think over 25 years (???) wow.
it's got different color underlinings in it from the multiple readings i've done with it.
the cover's worn, the pages a little yellowed....
there's underlines in it, stars, even a heart sticker at one place to
remind me to read that sentence often.

(want to know what that sentence is??? -
'"So do not be afraid to investigate the worst. It only guarantees increase of soul power.")

(oh yes. oh yes.)

and even tho it's only a few pages i'm reading a day, and i've only just started again,
something's happening.

i felt it more than once.
and last nite i tried to peek at it a bit as i read.
i didn't want to scare it away by looking full at it.
cause it was good.
real good.
and the good seems to flit in fast these days and then leave.
so i wasn't taking any chances.
i was just gonna peek.

i think even if i looked full on, i'd still not really know.

it's just a 'stirring' feeling.
something's stirring.
something's waking up.

she talks about the wild woman waking up.
could it be?
not sure.

maybe it's a lotta things waking up.
maybe it's just my soul kinda starting to sit up.

it feels important.
actually, feels more than important.
feels vital.
great word, 'vital'....feels vitally important.
feels vitally mightily important.

and i haven't a clue what it is.
but i'm gonna keep reading. and i'm gonna try to make a space
for whatever's stirring to stretch and wake up and dance.

life's been a bit challenging lately.
but you know what?
i think i get lost in thinking that's what's goin' on with me.
it's life's challenges and they're wearing me down.
that's usually where i go.
thing is.....i don't think that's true.
i think something else is goin' on along with the challenge for me.
i think something fell asleep or rolled over or hid or got buried.
and i think because of that, life's challenges are getting to me in a really hard way.

but thing is.....if i've come to see that....and i'm starting to be aware of that...
and i'm starting to feel stirrings.....well.....i'm thinking that's a really really good thing.
and maybe it's not just life's a challenging time right now.
maybe......just maybe.....i'm in a growth spurt right now...
maybe it's time something woke up.

and i'm really really likin' that idea.....

a word shift....

i didn't go out walking with 'self love' on my mind.
it's just that when i hit the corner and the sky fell all over me,
the phrase 'self love' fell right on top of me too.

fell right outta the sky.

and my thoughts quickly shifted that way.

there's been a lot of conversations with women lately who seem to
have forgotten it. and i wondered if i should start bringing 'self love'
into the conversations.

that whole phrase can be a drag.
like the darn word 'love.'
that word covers the whole wide range...
it can be trite, misunderstood, an eye roller.
it can also be powerful, life changing, god.
it's the whole darn stinkin' range.

throw in 'self' in front of it and you end up getting stuck right
there a lot. i know i've rolled my eyes with a 'yeah, yeah, yeah,
i love myself just fine' kinda thing. now go away.

so i wondered about a different word.

and the word 'integrity' came to mind.

that one keeps floating around me. and i have always loved that word.

i looked it up just now.
it was cool as there were definitions in there that included things about
completeness and wholeness....and....honesty, truthfulness, possession
of firm values....that kinda thing.

hmmmmmmmm............'self integrity.'
it really seems kinda perfect.

something i tell myself and my buds often when we're struggling is
to just be honest as to where we are. you don't need to change stuff
right away, you just have to honestly see it. that's the first step, i think.

then there's this whole honesty stuff i've been thinking about for years
and years. how i always thought i was honest....and man, i gotta tell ya,
i now think being honest takes the muscles of hercules and it's so much
harder than i ever realized.

sometimes for me, just looking at things with a different word helps so much.
this is one i can use with both myself and my friends. are we acting with
integrity towards ourselves? wow. that's a pretty good question.

and if we even get near a 'yes, but....' we maybe should look at that.

if not ourselves first than who?

some good stuff....

i was copying something out of 'women who run with the wolves' to send to
a friend and i decided i needed to read this thing all over again. i vowed to
read at least two pages a day. time gets tight, and it's hard to fit it all in...
but i knew i could at least do that.

i'm so glad i did this.
cause i'm reading it slow this way and savoring all her words.
she is one heck of a writer.

she's describing the wild woman nature and i had to share a few juicy pieces -


"The wild nature has a vast integrity to it."


just that one thought hit me.
'integrity.'
seems way important.
and i'm just feelin' like that seems to be slipping away in the world...

more...


"It means to establish territory, to find one's pack, to be in one's
body with certainty and pride regardless of the body's gifts and
limitations, to speak and act in one's behalf, to be aware, alert,
to draw on the innate feminine powers of intuition and sensing,
to come into one's cycles, to find what one belongs to, to rise
with dignity, to retain as much consciousness as we can."


and this -

"She encourages humans to remain multilingual; fluent in the
languages of dreams, passion and poetry."


ah, man.
she was JUST what i needed.

she reminds me of what's inside of me.
she reminds me of all that is possible........

a walk in the rain...

i was beginning to think there was a rain conspiracy.

three different times in the last few days it was pouring rain.
i'd go and change into my 'let's play in the rain' clothes, get outside
only to have the rain stop or just do some kinda spitting water thing.

it was a complete and total bummer.

finally, this morning, without even realizing it was gonna rain...
well, it was overcast, has been raining for days, but seemed to be in
a bit of a stopping patch...i headed out for a walk. never once thought
about it raining while i walked.

and then...as i walked down the street, i felt some drops...and then!
i could HEAR it coming.
i looked ahead of me.
is that what i think it is?
do i really HEAR it???

and sure enough....it POURED AND POURED AND POURED
all over me.

i closed my eyes and smiled.
then i looked up to the sky.
it was pouring so hard that the rain kinda hurt on my face.
oh yes.
oh yes.
i tried to walk in the middle of the road so the trees wouldn't
slow the drops falling on me.

i laughed out loud.
i reached my arms out to the rain.
and i thanked it over and over again.
it was just what i needed.

and then...this feeling came all over me.
i just wanted to cry and cry and cry.

i didn't tho.

i was surprised by the feeling.
and then...not surprised at all.

normally i'd be fine mixing my tears with the rain drops.
but this morning, i just wanted to hold joy for a little while.
i just wanted a few minutes of just plain ol' joy.

i looked at the water rollin' on down the street.
aimed right for it and got soaked in every way i could.

i got home, changed outta the wet clothes, hair still dripping,
i came down and read the bone sigh quote of the day that
gets mailed out every day....

and that's when i cried.
yeah...this is what i want...

stretching my soul

“ i want to stretch my soul way past anything
i've ever known.
i want to push my boundaries over the edge
and lose them forever.
i want to throw the limits away,
watching them shatter to dust.
i want to hold the darkness with ease
knowing it's an integral part of the light.
i want to fill with the calm knowing of trust,
and i want to love all the way to beyond. ”

a powerful, haunting post...

my friend, susan, posted this on her blog.
when i saw the photo at the end, my heart just broke.

for any woman out there who needs to read this and get herself out...
i wanted to share susan's post.

and susan...thank you......

walking into myself...

i swear it went just like this -

i don't even know exactly how i got up to my 'goodmorningworld' spot.

i don't go up there anymore, and i had told myself i'd go somewhere else
this morning...but there i was...coming out of the trees into the open at the
end of the road. right on the corner of the highway.

you come out of the trees and you get a big ol' blast of sky.

and bam! right there was this big ol' hunk of gray.
just gray. no clouds. or maybe a buncha clouds globbed into one big
ol' gray color.

'yeah, yeah, yeah. that feels about right.' i thought.
and i just stood there totally relating to the color and the feel.

and then i looked over at the little field on the corner.
these big ol' weeds were just leaned over from the rain and weather.
"ohmygosh, yes.' i thought.

they're just leaned over from all that's happened.

this corner is me today.

and i started looking around. there were things that really needed to get
trimmed, they'd gotten way outta hand. i grinned. yeah. yeah. okay.
i couldn't get over how everything seemed to relate to stuff i was feeling.

and as i started to connect to the little patch of field i looked up at the tree
that i'd picked years ago as 'me.' every time i look at it i think she's a symbol
of me. i always stop and see how she's doin.

i looked up at her and thought 'oh, she doesn't look okay.'

and without thinking what i was saying, just trying to figure out what was up
with her, and looking at the leaves that were just beginning to change color
but weren't looking good cause they were just just just barely starting to change,
i answered myself  'it's okay, she looks that way cause she's changing.'

and i swear, the second i said that to myself, my eyes got big.

it's okay, she looks that way cause she's changing.

it was just like i walked right into something i needed to hear.

bam. and i felt it the second i thought it.

she's me.

and i'm changing.

'wow. go figure. i just walked into myself,' i thought.

i turned to head home thinking about that.

'it's not me that's changing,' i thought. 'it's everything around me.'

when i heard me think that, i actually visualized myself reaching over
and wrapping my arms around me. so gently, so lovingly i assured myself
that yeah, i was changing too. and it was all okay.

and i thought of a couple things goin' on that i've handled completely
differently than i would have a bit ago. yeah, i am changing too. right along with
my life.

i'm changing.
it's not just everything around me. but i am too.
and that's a good thing.

but you know what, ter??? it's tiring, it's unsettling, it's scary at times, and you just
look a little purple here and there like that tree sometimes.

yeah.
yeah.
i think so.

okay.
i can deal with that.
and i can try to be a little gentle with myself thru that.
and i can watch and see the colors change and see the beauty of it all
as it happens.

don't know how i got up to that corner today, but sure am glad i did......

labor day thoughts....

just the other day i had lunch with my step sons.
jobs were a big part of the conversation.
between the four of us sitting there, there was a pretty interesting range of work.
raises, government freezes, tuition reimbursement, and being able to pay the mortgage
were all part of the conversation.
all of us are employed and right now that's something to feel grateful for.
i'm not sure how much the young guys knew that, but i was feeling it.
'the economy' has been on my mind for a long time now.

a friend of mine who's a few years older than i am just recently lost his job. 
mid-fifties, he'd been working there for years and years and years and years and years.
to say it hit hard would be an understatement. i stand on the sidelines and root him on,
and i worry about him - imagining the sleepless nites he's having these days.

i forget how lucky i am.
i forget way too often.

too many people are out of work. and things just don't look good.

i'm working today. there's always stuff to do. and i took the weekend off.
i rarely take the whole weekend off so i have to kind of make up for that.
and this morning that feels like a really good thing.
it doesn't always.
those are the times i forget and wish i could grab more of a break here and there.
but this labor day is kind of making me think.
i got up this morning feeling lucky i had work and feeling lucky i had the busy day ahead of me.

labor day has never felt significant to me before.
but today it does.
there's a whole lotta people out there wishin' they had work.
and there's a whole lotta people out there struggling with the bills.
i'm holdin' them in my heart today.

today feels like a day for them. a day to keep them in mind.
and to feel grateful for the work i do have.

i'm gonna dig into it all with a little extra care today...

my thinking mobile

i think the stationary bike may be my thinking mobile.

with everything else, when i really get moving, i have to keep my eyes open.
with this, i can close them.

and so i got really going and going and my mind hit the place it needed to hit.
i could feel it. i closed my eyes and just went there. and i could feel this whirlwind
of struggle and pain and confusion.

i just released into it.

and i got this thought - to release the anger.

how can you be angry at them for their weaknesses?

feel love for them.
feel compassion.
their flaws are keeping them in hell.

hell is not love anymore.

they have so much of that.

don't add.

the wheels turned, my legs went up and down up and down,
and i could feel a voice - it was more than hearing it -
it was feeling it -screaming to me from who knows where to
put the anger down and love.

woe.

i'm thinking this bike is gonna be one heck of a tool....

ha!

it wasn't like i even knew i HAD the fear.
of course.
fear works like that with me a whole lot.


so i didn't even know it.
til it left.

then i noticed it.

hey.

i feel quite calm.

hey.
i don't feel any fear.
hey.
i musta been holdin' fear all these years.

hey.
wow.
it's gone.

and so i tried to figure out what the fear was.
now that i felt its absence.
i don't have exact sentences that i know i ran thru my head.
things like 'he doesn't like me, so i must really not be any good.'
or stuff like that. but i think the whole thing just generally fueled my
self doubts.


there's just like this big ol' pile of things that were fuel for the
self doubt.


please note the world 'were.'

cause these particular things aren't anymore.
and i'm not afraid of him or them.


i'm not afraid of him or them.

that's one heck of great line for me.

cause i know i'm fine.

woe.
okay.
that sounds nice, but i just had two weeks from hell.
and self doubt was at the core of it.

yeah, okay, i still have that stuff. but not as bad. and it's different things
that bring it on. buttons gettin' pressed, things reminding me of other things.
that kinda stuff.  that's fair. that's human. and i'm okay with that.

it's this stuff about being afraid of certain people and not even knowing it.
being afraid and jittery and unsure of myself in their presence.

please stop and insert a delighted raspberry noise  here.
yeah.
a real delighted raspberry noise.
cause that feeling left.

and i'm fine.
ha!
ha!
ha!

i was talkin' to a girlfriend yesterday about seeing yourself. how it's so important to be able
to do that. and i wasn't sure how we get that seeing, but i do know it's kinda crept up on me.
i have it way more than i ever did. and not sure how i got it. i know there's a long way
to go. but i know i've also traveled a long way.

that's the only thing i can think of that took this fear away.

no.
wait.
not true.

cause there's a real important OTHER part.

seeing other people.

oh yeah.

cause i can see this person i've been scared of.
and i shake my head and wonder at my thick slowness sometimes.
at my taking things as all my fault so many times when they so aren't.

it's not just seeing us, is it?
it's seeing us, those around us, and as much of the picture as we're able.

seeing changes everything.

of course, now that i see clearer there comes another challenge.

allowing.

i would guess it's not until you really see that you can really allow.

and so i step forward not in fear...knowing that my next struggle will be to allow
and let go.

seems a worthy goal, and one i want.
so i step forward and accept the next challenge.
but first....a few more delighted raspberry noises please!

my ray gun

i had a visual this morning.

i was in an area that felt kinda like a subway. kinda cave-like, dark,
with people milling about. some rushing by.

it was the world. it was life.
and i was in the dark.
but i was there on purpose.
it wasn't that i was feeling dark inside.
it was that i wanted to be there to bring a light.

i wanted to light it up a bit.

i wanted to help the ones who were in the dark.

so i had my candle.

it was this candle full of character. a nice drippy waxy kinda one.
in one of those old fashioned kinda holders. the kind that you could
hold  and walk with...they have that little loop you hold on to.
one of those.

so i'm standing there, tryin' to light up a little darkness and people who aren't stuck in the dark,
who are moving quickly and who are self absorbed and unaware bump into me -
knocking the candle right outta the holder.

they never look back, never say excuse me, just whiz on by. leaving this kinda selfish
film in the air. adding darkness to the dark.

i bend down, pick up the candle, dust it off, re-light it, and try again.

and again, someone totally self absorbed comes bumpin' into me and knocking the
candle to the ground.

sigh.

over and over i try.

and i'm gettin' a little discouraged.

and a bit weary of these self absorbed people.

and that's when i saw something.

i saw the people bumping into me weren't stuck in the darkness, they were moving fast
and they kept going...but they were carrying their own darkness. they had the take-out version.
and they traveled with it.

they were different than the ones stuck in the real black stuff who were havin' trouble getting up.
they were totally different....and yet....they were havin' their own dark deal.

i just didn't see it because they were moving along.

those people didn't even see the candle, they wouldn't hear any words i mumbled.
they had already passed.

and my mumbling words wouldn't have been very helpful anyway.  they've been pretty negative.

but what if i stopped mumbling those words?
what if i shot a little zap of light into their portable darkness??
they don't even have to know it.
what is this stuff about energy? and the power of it?

i believe in that stuff. i really do.

and so the visual changed.

i've got a candle in one hand, and slung over my shoulder is my little ray gun.
it's golden with hearts all over it. and it shoots stars.

it's my shooting star ray gun.
it shoots stars and star rays!

go ahead, bump into me.
knock my candle to the ground.
i'll zap you with my ray gun.

cause i can.

and you'll never know what hit you.

i want to light up the darkness.

all different kinds.

and i think i just forgot there were so many different kinds...

the power of words

i was at a party once, when someone came up to me and started talking.
she looked at me and said 'i always remember you saying to me.......'
and she quoted something i apparently said to her years before.

'i said that???' i was surprised.
and had no memory of it at all.

and then i was kinda surprised it was something she actually carried around
and thought about.

it was a very odd feeling.


not too long after that, i had lunch with a friend i see about once a year.
she looked across the table and did the exact same thing.
'ya know, i remember years ago you tellin' me......'

same thing from me.
'i said that???'
same weird feeling.
i didn't remember saying it at all and here she was holdin' it for a long time.

and yes, i realize that happens to everyone. it's not because i'm some wise sage walkin' around saying things people need to write down. it's because sometimes in conversations we bump into something that really hits the nail on the head for us. it's close to home, so we hold it and carry it. and i tend to have conversations about stuff that's goin' on with people. so it makes sense it would happen.

i do the same with things people have said to me.
things they'll never remember saying. but they made such an impression on me that i'll never forget.

so what i'm thinking is........wow......we really ought to watch what it is we say!

wouldn't it be awful....and i'm sure it's the case with me just as much as the other that something we said that hurt stays with that person forever....and what an awful feeling to have someone come up to you at a party with THAT being the thing that they remember!

i've been gettin' a few bumps from people not thinking about what it is they're saying. and it's been bothering me. but you know what? this morning i'm more concerned about what it is i say.

words matter so much.
they reflect who you are more than i think we know.

i had a reminder in that this morning so i thought i'd put one out here for anyone else who might like a reminder.

i want to pay a little more attention to my words.

hanging on fairly peacefully....

you know i really don't believe there's some giant nasty being in the sky
laughing and toying with me. but i tell ya, there are times it sure
feels like it!

i posted yesterday how i curled in with the morning and just figured
out that i was dealing with lots of disappointment and that all i
wanted to do was know what was going on with me. nothing more.

i had balanced myself out pretty good and was doin' really well
with my day. was feeling peaceful and good inside. i had gotten
to just where i wanted to be.

cue in the cackling from the great being in the sky.

sense the delight as the giant being rubs his hands together
with glee and says 'oh now that she knows what she's dealing
with, let's give her some more. she can then put her precious
little label on it and 'just be' with it.'

really glad i don't truly believe in that....but ohhhhh yeah....
it sure felt like it.

zap!
another zing.

i was soooooo sad.

luckily tho, i'm having my period.
yeah.
i said luckily.

i seem to be much more calm inside then.

i think the calm gave me the space to just sit and cry for
a few minutes.

a good good good release that i needed.

just a few minutes.

and then i sat and thought about what it is i'd like to do now.

right away four things popped into my head.

okay.
okay.
i can do those things.
i can change directions.

and i turned to things i had control over. things that wouldn't
disappoint. things that involved just me.

and my mood was good.

hear that rumble? that's the big ol' being in the sky leaning back on
his cloud in his own disappointment. i handled it. not quite as
entertaining as it could have been. no insane moments? no fists on
the desk? no hopping on the bike and biking her heart out???

ahhhhh but no.......he squints his eyes and leans forward for a better
look. and a slow smile appears....

there's a streak of fear in me. and he can see it.
ah! good! there IS something rumbling inside her.

i got over the disappointment way too easy.
there's been too much lately.
i cared enough to cry.
but then i set it down.
and went about my stuff. i turned to a different place
to find my happiness.

what if you get disappointed too much?
do you stop caring because it hurts too much and you don't want to
be hurt anymore? is it a protection? or do you stop caring cause you
really just don't care anymore?

and a streak of fear ran thru me.

to a person who lives with passion, not caring is one of the worst
curses.

but then the peace of my period rolled over me.

i have no idea.
i have no idea what it is.
time will tell, won't it?

for now, i've got places i find my happiness, i've got
places i get centered, and i've got places i feel fulfilled.
think i'll hang out in those places, and just wait for that
nasty ol' giant being to get bored and leave. to go somewhere
else and toy with someone else.

then, when he's gone, i'll see where i'm sitting,
what i care about, and if there's any passion left inside of me.

i'm thinking there will be.
there always has been.

just not sure if those places switch and move -
kinda like the plates of the earth.

but kinda like those plates of the earth - when they're moving
there's not much you can do about it, but hang on.