freedom and joy

i'm still reading 'kitchen table wisdom'
and loving it. little bits at a time....

i read this this morning and smiled real
big....wanted to share....

'...i have learned a new definition of the
word 'joy.' i had thought joy to be rather
synonymous with happiness, but it seems now
to be far less vulnerable than happiness.
joy seems to be part of an unconditional
wish to live, not holding back because life
may not meet our preferences and expectations.
joy seems to be a function of the willingness
to accept the whole, and to show up to meet
whatever is there. it has a kind of invincibility
that attachment to any particular outcome would
deny us.'

and then on the next page....

'freedom may be a stronger position than control.
it is certainly a stronger and far wiser position
than fear.'

mmmm......really good stuff.


i'm thinking i'd rather have freedom than fear....

so.
now.
just a wee bit of tweakin' to do, huh??

growin' up together...

sometimes i feel like i'm growin' up right
along with my boys!

it is so fun that we're all small business
owners!

yo and i sat up in my room this morning
waiting for my studio to warm up.
so we sat up there talking business talk.

he read an article that totally inspired
him....he was fillin' me in and getting
me all fired up!

we're tryin' to figure out how to make our
businesses really work.

okay, so i'm a million years older than they
are!

i've always been a little bit behind the times!

i'm runnin' to keep up with them. and i'm loving
it.

i've been learnin' right along with them ever since
we've been on our own together. and i'm thinking
it's been good for all of us.

nothing like growin up with your kids!!

a really really really good day

mygosh was there love yesterday.
what a day we had!
just bummin' around and hangin' out
and celebratin' zakkie bean.

there are moments zakk will just
shine it all out his eyes and show
me what's inside there....

and last nite as he was headin' to
bed, he gave me a big hug and did
the eye thing...

he was happy, he was loved....

what greater gift for a parent to see?

he was thanking me for what i gave him.
little did he know......

zakkie bean

we're celebratin' zakkie bean today!
all day. i'm gonna type this....and then
it's off for a day of fun!

i wanted to do a post about him today!
to start things off right.

i thought of all the millions of things
i could say about him....

and what seems to say it all for me is this...

there's no one on the planet who makes me
laugh like zakk does. right from the start
when he was tiny...all the way to this day.

i laugh different with him, and i just
treasure it.

recently over on facebook i did this list
of 16 random facts about myself....
one of the things on that list was that
the sign of real trust from me actually
wasn't the open, from the heart conversation...
but the sharing of deep laughter.
it's in the laughter that i find bonding and
trust.

maybe that's why the laughing is what comes
up as the most meaningful thing for me
to share about this kid of mine.

i don't get the 'favorite' thing with kids.
that you'd have a favorite. they're all too
cool to have a favorite.

yo and josh accuse me all the time that zakk's
my favorite! makes me laugh.
the dopes.
of course he's not. they all are.
but i sure do like him.

and there's a feeling i get with zakk that i don't
get anywhere else in the world.

he's brilliant and funny, and driven and not driven,
and gentle and kind, and so non verbal! he's got a
marshmallow heart under a way cool exterior....and
when he reaches over and holds my hand sometimes....
just to make sure i'm okay....
he totally melts me.

the world is lucky to have this goofy kid.
and so am i.

so am i.

more vows...

while we're doin' vows....
we're gearin' up our february website, ya know?
love/valentine's/all that stuff???

wanted to share this one:

a vow to my partner

i will be mindful of the act of loving you
every day of my life.

i will not take you for granted,
but will keep my eyes open to the treasure
that you are,
allowing room for your individuality
and your own uniqueness.

i will not try to bend you to my ways,
but rather open myself to your ways as
being part of who you are.

i will embrace all of you.
the dark parts along with the light.
because together, those parts create
the being that i love.

i will accept you,
respect you and admire you.
and if something comes between us
to make me stumble with this,
i will go to you and ask your help
with my struggle.

i will bring my challenges to you,
looking for your thoughts and support
and i will return that support to you freely.

when i'm hurt, i will believe in
your love for me,
i will bring you my hurt,
and together we will grow from it
and then put it aside.

i will share all of myself with you,
for i know to receive your entire heart,
you must have mine.

together we will work,
we will play,
we will laugh,
we will grieve
and we will find our way.
together we will live gratitude.
together we will touch love.

a vow to my heart.

i'm redoin' one of the prints.
it's called 'a vow to my heart'....

the thing with workin' with all these
bone sighs, ya stop payin' attention to them
after awhile.

but i'm mellow today, and quiet, and i just
rewrote this quote out.

it's probably right on the side of the blog too.
i didn't even look...ya see, i just don't pay
attention after awhile....

but this...
it caught me today, and whispered to my heart...
and reminded me of a lot of things i needed to hear.

-a vow to my heart-

i will work on the act of listening to you
and my listening abilities will grow.

i will honor those things you relay to me
and act upon them.

when i act upon them, i will know that i am
living my truth and owe no explanations to anyone.

i will believe in your ability to accept all emotions,
and will not close down to protect you.

i will direct my energies and power to places that
will strengthen you-
not deplete you.

i will follow you in the way i wish the world would
follow you.

the child of the universe and the heart shall meld
and we shall dance as one.
----------

felt kinda good to write that out again.....

a new greeting card!

i just got a brand new greeting card in
that i'm all excited about.

it'll be up on the site in a day or two...

but i had to put the quote here.....

i'm just likin' it...

'the past rose up with incredible strength
pulling me away.
opening my eyes,
i focused on your face
ans whispered thru tears,
i choose you.
and the past faded away...'


grin.
i really like that one.

this is so fun!

grace in the oatmeal bowl....

maybe the grace wasn't in the saltwater
gargle (see post below)...altho it still
might be...
i just couldn't quite get myself to do
that yet.

but i'm thinking maybe grace was in
the oatmeal bowl.

i sat there eating my oatmeal thinking.
was tryin' to logically see how i felt.
assess it. see if i'd be ready for zakk's
birthday.

yeah. i will be.
i may fake a bit, but i mostly will be.

and that made me think about what it would
be like to ALWAYS feel 'off' and not so good.

and then i got to thinking of two people i
know of right now who are struggling with
huge health issues, of which they may not
survive.

so i sat there and tried to imagine what it
was like for them.

they felt incredibly lousy.
incredibly lousy.
pain medicine just to get thru the days.

having no idea if they'd make it out or not.

and how every single thing in their lives
has changed now.

i thought of how lucky i was to be healthy.
how lucky i was a sore throat was tilting
me off kilter.

a sore throat.

what they wouldn't give for just a simple
sore throat.

and i know this sounds weird....
but right there over my oatmeal....
i embraced my sore throat.
thanked it for being there.
for reminding me of all i had.

suddenly i wasn't bummed that i might not be
up to full speed for zakk tomorrow....
suddenly i was grateful that i would be here!
that i'd get to see my baby turn 17.

i sat there and looked at my oatmeal and
was just overwhelmed.

funny what a little perspective can do.
funny how much grace can get packed in an
oatmeal bowl....

there's grace where?

no walk today.
the sore throat's worse.
i'm just sittin here lookin' out
the window at my sky and trees....
a bird swooped thru the branches.

i'm always amazed at how they do that....

thinking i gotta do that with my hurdles.
just swoop on thru with grace.

okay.
so this throat's my first hurdle.
tomorrow we are taking the day off to
celebrate zakk's birthday! seventeen!!
i want to be laughin' and hollerin'
with him.....

and i'm sittin' here bummed. cause i
don't want to be under the weather for
it.

so, okay....how'd that bird go swoopin'
thru those branches???

with grace and ease and confidence.

so, today....maybe i'll do all those
icky salt gargles and such. i won't talk
much. i'll rest. i'll work on gettin'
better so i can holler tomorrow.

grace and ease and confidence.

yeah.
that's what i'll do.
who knew?
there's grace in an icky salt water gargle.

kinda.

the sky.....

oh wow.
i was sealin' up and order,
turned towards my studio door
and just let out an 'ohhhhh wwwwwwwwowwwwww.'

the sky.
it looks like it's on fire.
the snow seems like lavender.
wow.
wow.
i leaned my head on the door
and was overcome by the beauty.

wow.

i whispered to it.......
i want to carry you inside me.........

wow.
what if i could???

an outta her mind over emoting fool with no memory

ya know....there's something to be said for
bein' an over emoting fool with no memory!!

the guys are down here workin' wtih me.
they're playin some music they haven't listened
to in awhile.

yo says 'here's your song, mom.'

what song?

and i mean, i recognize the sound of it.
but don't remember more than that....

he said 'hang on, you'll get it in a minute.'

ohhhhhhhhh.......

there it is!

i fall back in my chair.

oh man.
oh man.

what a song.

i just cover my face and groan.

the song brings up this passion inside of me.
it makes me crazy inside.
it makes me so want to live every moment!

and no!
i won't tell you the song.
cause you'll think i'm outta my mind.

and i am.

there's just something to be said for bein'
an outta your mind over emoting fool with no memory!

there are moments it just rocks.

one of my stranger teachers....

i can't tell why i'm reacting this way
these days....
part of me says i'm growin' and changing,
part of me says there's been too many hurts
and losses and i'm numb. that it has something
to do with my spirit not quite bein' here.

hmmmmm.
two very different perspectives.

but i don't think it really matters.
even if it's the numb deal...which i'm leaning
towards....

that's an okay thing as long as i don't stay numb.

and if i can get something out of the time that i
am numb.....well, that would rock, wouldn't it??
and it would launch me into the first theory of
growing and changing.

so it works.

i remember reading anger's a tool that can be used
really well....as long as you don't hold on to it
too long.

maybe numb is like that?

the thing that i'm talkin' about is that when
something hard comes my way these days, i've been
stepping aside and watchin' it from the side of me.

more like a science experiment than a happening.

the thoughts/questions of 'what does this teach me?'
'how should i best handle this for my own growth?'
come quickly.

and then i step thru it with those thoughts in mind.

i was tellin' my guy about it this morning.
(he leans with the numb theory, by the way.)
and he said that ultimately that's what we want to
do thru life. and when we get to the dying part to
just step aside and look and say 'my body's dying.'

i like that guy.

so okay.......
i have no idea why i've gotten into this mode.
but i'm startin' to dig it.
and if i can practice on all the little things
maybe when the medium things come along i can do
it a little bit....

and then who knows?

who knew numb could be such a teacher?!

gratitude with a twist

i remember when i got divorced i was really really
sad that i would never be the same person that i was.
i felt that i had lost something big inside of me.
i remember talking to a friend who was divorced about
it.

'did you feel like you lost part of yourself?'

she knew what i meant and said yes. we talked
about the death of some sort of innocence.

i was sad about that for a long time.

i think this morning is the first time i ever
consciously remembered that and realized i'm not sad
about that anymore.....and beyond that...i'm grateful.

i've watched myself the last two days....and i see
something amazing.

i am truly learning to take care of myself.
more and more.

i still have a long way to go.
still give myself away way too easily.
sill run myself ragged for others way too often.
but i'm learning.
and i can see progress.

and it is in the seeing of that, that i saw something
else.

i saw who i have been turning into.
and i honestly honestly in my bones knew i couldn't
have gotten here without where i've been.

i say that to people all the time.
you are who you are because of where you've been.
and sometimes i get that for myself. sometimes i really
do.

but this time.....
it went to a new level.

it went to gratitude.

and i thought about my spirit.
i still don't feel like it's back in place like i want
it to be.
and i do think gratitude's gonna be a big key in getting
it back in place.

but today.
this morning.
i had gratitude for myself.

huh.
go figure.
that's new to me.

i screw up and muddle and try too hard and don't
get where i want to go fast enough. i struggle.
think too much and kick myself way too often.

at the same time...i grow and i learn and i trust
and my actions are now speaking for me and saying
that i'm worthy.

wow.

and i'm actually learning how to take care of myself.
not just the flip pop psychology 'take a candle light
bath' deal.....but setting boundaries, not apologizing
for my needs....recognizing my needs and answering them.

that kinda thing.

i am so grateful that i've gotten this far.
my stomach actually did some flip flops when i thought
about it this morning. i'm doin' it! i'm taking care
of me!

and when i get my spirit back in place like i want it....
i'm gonna cement it in there with the biggest hunk of
gratitude i can muster.

i'm kinda excited about it all today.

snow.

yo was busy painting his room.
zakk was finishin' some school stuff.
i grabbed zakk, pulled him into yo's
room.

'we gotta coordinate.'

'do you guys think in an hour we can go
out and play??'

they laughed and agreed.

we headed out.
i had planned on making a snow woman,
but got a note from a friend who had
good news on a health report.

told him i'd make a snow MAN in his honor.

stepped out the door.
the snowballs started right away.

i was busy thinking snow man.
the boys were busy thinking battle.

i did throw one at zakk as i told a
friend i'd do that in her name.
actually, threw a few. had to make sure
it hit good for her.

then i turned to the snow man.

darn.
it's not good snow man snow.

bummer.

so.

i drew one in the snow. and put a gallbladder
in the drawing.
my friends gallbladder is just fine!
so is the snow man's!

then i made a snow angel for that first
friend i mentioned. the one i threw a snowball
at zakk for.

zakk started throwin' snow balls at the snow
angel. seemed fair, he said.

then we went to go shovel my elderly neighbor's
driveway.
it didn't need it.
but she feels way better when she can see her
driveway.

we've got the routine down.
she says no, don't bother, it doesn't need it.
we smile, nod and do it anyway.
she's relieved.

at this point i broke my broom battlin' with yo's
shovel.

so.
i had nothing to do.
so.

i had to keep the boys busy.
i threw snowballs while they shoveled.

i liked that.

we headed home.

and then.....the snow battle really got rollin'.

they are so much bigger than me and so much stronger
than i am. i stand no chance.
so i make up for all of that by noise.

i figure the louder and crazier i am, the more off
balance they will be. sometimes it works.

so i go into shriek mode.

and zakk and i start wrestlin' around.
he flips me to the ground.
flip.
practically with his pinkie.

now.
the boys are horses, but they're gentle with me.
they'll flip me on the ground, but they won't rub
my face in the snow.

taking advantage of this.....
i smoosh zakk's face in the snow.

and i laugh my guts out.

of course, while my mouth is open laughing my guts
out, my entire face is filled with snow.

payback.

they WILL smoosh my face in the snow if i smoosh first.

i didn't know anyone was out.
i was making enough noise for twenty people.

my next door neighbor offered to call 911.
i laughed.
and turned to find yo and zakk at it.
wrestlin' on the ground.

seizing the moment, i leaped upon them!
screeching and making war whooping noises!

wrapping my arms around gentle yo's neck,
i crammed his face into the snow.

oh man.
i just love doin' that.

whoosh.
my neck gets yanked, a hand reaches over
my face.
wham.
into the snow.

i laugh and laugh and laugh.

i honestly think if i could have a break like
that every day, i would live to be 100.

i do love snow.

my boys

as i was finishing up my last blog,
i got a call from josh.
his voice was elated and he said
'i'm headin' out for a walk in the snow!'

i had to laugh.....it's in the blood.

as i was coming back from my walk, i saw
yo yo's feet comin' around the sidewalk...
big grin on his face.

'wow! you're covered in snow!' he said when
he saw me.

he had just come out.

he was headin' out for some pictures.

that's my boys!

then i came in to zakk......
cozied warm by the fire. with his laptop.
he can see it just fine out the window.

i grinned.
okay, maybe it's not in the blood.

and i can't say i blame him.
it sure is cozy where he's sitting.

think i gotta go bother him.......

a snow woman

ohmygosh! it's snowing! our first snow of
the season!!! and it's actually really coming
down!

i woke up with a sore throat, but there was
no way i was gonna miss walkin' in our first
snow!

so i bundled up good and out i went....

i bundled too good. got hot along the way.
took off my hat to cool down. by the time i
had hit my goodmorningworld spot, i looked
like a darn snowman!

everything was so gorgeous. and extra soft.

i love that.

as i was walkin' back home a car with an
older gentleman pulled next to me. i thought
he was just being cautious because of the snow
and i moved a bit out of the way.

he rolled down his window, smiled at me and
said 'you are a remarkable woman.'

woe.
that caught my attention!
i looked over, smiled back and prolly looked
a bit confused.

he said 'you never miss a day!'

i told him i loved the snow.
he told me he admired me.
and drove off.

wow.

two things caught my attention with that.

first, that he stopped to do that.
i think it's just so important to stop and
be kind to each other. i love it when people
do that. and when they do that to me, i love
it a whole lot!!

the 'remarkable' part didn't keep my attention.
while it was fun and nice, i'm outside cause
i love to walk. he just doesn't know these
walks keep me sane!

but the second thing that caught my attention
was the 'woman' remark.

woman.

man.
why do i keep forgetting i am one?!

logically i know i am one.
but i just don't feel like anything in particular.

i walked and could vividly remember walkin' in the
snow when i was 16. walked forever. forever. i was
a frozen popsicle when i got back in. i knew i was
a teenager. i knew that.

i know i'm not a teenager any more.
it's not i'm tryin' to hide from being an adult.

it's just i can't quite wrap my head around it.

i thought of all the stuff i'd been thru....
yeah.
you're a woman, woman.

i walked past the consruction site.
two guys were cussin' up a storm about the snow.
i grinned.
i don't think they were actually cussing at the
snow. they were prolly just discussing it. i just
think that's how they discuss things.

and i looked over at them.
wonder if they know they're men???

they sure sound like boys to me.

hmmmmmm.......maybe we really just are the same
all the way thru.
oh yeah, the tweaks of not bein' allowed to break
down and screech in the grocery store and stuff like
that (altho there are times i would really like to)
you gotta 'grow up' in that sense....

but it's just a fakin' people out thing, isn't it?

kinda thinking that when i'm 98 wheelin' my wheelchair
by some youngster and they call me an old woman, i bet
i'll stop and think 'woman?! me?!'

i may just never get this down......
but that's okay.
maybe no one really does.

gratitude and soul stuff....

so i put it out there....
my intention for the business....
and very soon after i had two
really cool notes from customers roll
on in.

i smiled.

they were the kinda notes that hid hard,
hit big time, and made an impact.

and then i got to do the first thing
i had in mind to symbolically tell
myself i was taking back some things in
my life.

yo yo is an amazing young man. i let him in
on it. told him what i was doing. he looked
at me so gently and said 'what can i do to
help?'

told him i had it under control, just wanted
him to know why i was doing it so he understood
the importance to me.

that's done.
first step.

and i gotta tell ya.....between those two
things....putting my intention out there,
and taking my first step to callin' my soul
back in......

well..i'm feelin' pretty darn tickled.

and as i sit back and watch the whole progression
of it all, including my sons being part of the
whole thing....

i'm fillin' with gratitude.

and as i fill with gratitude......

it happens.....

i can feel the soul stuff stirring.

stuff i haven't felt in a bit.

ohhhhhh yeah.

yeah.

yeah.

i knew this one.

i know this one already!!!

your soul cannot be alive without gratitude.

i believe that with my whole heart.

maybe my dose of gratitude has been way lower
than normal?

i'm not sure....
but i'm bettin' it has.

i'm thinking it so so has.....

and i'm thinking that this whole living stuff
is just totally mind boggling incredible.

if i can just get to where i'm aware of what i'm
doin'!!!

so i sat with it...

i've been thinking a lot about working with the
perspective of 'what can i do to help?' that i
wrote about a bit ago here....

i didn't want to just grab it and commit to it
until i sat with it.

well, i've been sitting.
and i really really like it.

and i've applied it to a few business thoughts/ideas
i've been thinking about....

and i like it a lot.

i'm thinking that i'm gonna try to work with that
angle with everything i do this year.

woe.
wouldn't that be something?!

okay....it seems like a big goal to me.
so i kinda gulp and say....well, there's no way
i'm gonna put that out in a blog.
cause i'm certain to screw it all up and i don't
want to put all that out there....

shoot.

chicken.

what's the blog for???
to put out the journey....
yep.

to help.

ha!

to help.

laughin.
okay. so i already blog with the hope that my thinking
out loud can help in some weird way.
but i don't want to blog that i want to help in the
rest of my business?!

hmmmmm........seems like your first hurdle hit awful
fast there, ter.

it is so funny how all this works.....

it is so easy to close up and hide and try to do something
from back in that dark corner over there....

well.
here's the first step in honor of my intention for 2009.
i'm puttin' it out here.....

i'm going to try real hard to apply the 'what can i do to
help?' thought process in my business this year.

ta da!

and we'll see where the ride takes us.........

different parts of me....

walkin' with little terri today....
wanted to talk to her about the loss stuff
that i figured out this weekend. (see posts
below).....

interesting.
i always know when it's particularly tough
as my mind wanders everywhere else but where
i had intended it to go.

i watch myself do that, and drag myself back
to the point.

and so....
we talked.
and i acknowledged.
and i got very sad.
because i didn't know what to do with the loss
stuff....
and instead of tryin' to buck up and be a trooper...
i just got sad....and i let that part of me know
that this part of me was sad too.

it was like a release or something.
i don't know.
but it felt really right to just feel it.

and then, together, we tried to figure out how to
make it better. how to take back some stuff we
needed.

i had one small idea in mind already.
we came up with another one. a bigger one.

and prolly most important....we came up with an
understanding....

a trying to work together.

it was kinda cool.

as bizarre as all this different parts of me sounds
to talk about...it's just the coolest thing to work with.

getting your different parts to see each other and work
with each other...well, that would be kinda awesome,
wouldn't it???

i think i took another step in that direction this morning.

feels kinda good.

josh's blog

if you haven't been over to josh's blog
lately, you may get a kick out of his latest entry.

i did!

just so you know, he holds an 'annual silly hat contest'
every year with his students in honor of stevie ray vaughan.
(stevie was a lover of some pretty wild hats)

i know i'm his mom and all...but i gotta tell ya...
i like josh.

his blog....

body, mind and spirit

years ago i got myself a ring that has the words
'body, mind, spirit' on it.

i wore it as a reminder to live with all three
in mind in everything i do.

interestingly enough, i stopped wearing it a short
time ago.

yesterday i had a revelation.

i noticed that when i felt things, i wasn't feeling
them in the same way.

somehow i've been aware of this for a little while
now. but not clearly. not enough to understand what
was going on.

i saw it clearly yesterday. stopped. and got a little
concerned.

what's up with that??

i went back to where i started feeling this way.
because it really was just a short time ago i was feelin'
really happy again. i was doin' really well.

what happened???

and so i went thru a series of events....
and i saw how i handled those events.

i handled them well. i did what had to be done.
i took care of what needed taking care of. i was there
for the people who needed that. and i didn't torture
myself thru the process. i managed. i coped. i was
a fine example of a mature adult.

thing is...
without even knowing it i turned something off.

i'm thinking being a mature adult isn't all it's cracked
up to be. seems to me that goes hand in hand with turning
something off. no thank you.

i tried to tell my guy about it.
and the only way i could think to articulate it was to
say that i had stopped living with the body, mind and
spirit. seemed like i was only living with the body and
mind.

he understood what i meant. said it made sense considering
some of the stuff i was juggling and that he did that
himself quite a bit of the time.

he seemed to accept it as a normal way to cope and nothing
to worry about.

i wasn't convinced. i kept thinking about it....
'loss' is playing a huge role right now. in so many different
forms.

i went back to one particular loss recently, that i didn't
even pay attention to.

right there.
bam.
that one.

it was so big to me, and i just kept goin' like it was
nothing.

bam.

that's where i lost the spirit in me.
and i didn't even stop to notice.
but i can see it clearly looking back.

wow.
it's incredibly amazing.
and.....particularly interesting to me.....
it's a loss that the inner child of me would take
incredibly hard.

and to not even notice.
to give it away because i just didn't want to
cope with any more stuff.....

my 'spirit' and my 'inner child'....
i don't even know what those things really really
mean. if i had to define them, i couldn't.
i just know it's all part of me.
and i'm thinking those two parts are so directly
related, it's mind boggling to me.

so.
okay.
now what?

i'm not on board with this is an okay way to cope.
i appreciate my coping mechanisms and am glad i have
them. but i don't want them to take over.

i WANT to live with spirit mixed in with body and mind.

and i do think it's related to loss.

so.
maybe it's time to take back some things.

yeah.
that felt really good.
i like that idea.
take back what matters to you.

but what???

i thought of one silly thing that would be symbolic.

okay, it's a start.
i'll start there.

i'm not sure where to go after that....
but i'm gonna keep goin' til the spirit comes back
in me. i'm gonna keep watching and taking things i
need.

i woke in the morning.
tried to see how i felt.
did the spirit magically come back now that i figured it
out???

nope.

not there yet.

but as i was getting dressed, i bumped into that ring
of mine....i looked at it.
body, mind, spirit.

i slipped it on my finger today.....

i'm taking my spirit back.

not sure how.
but i know darn sure i'm not living without it.

the sounds of the fire....

sittin' in my studio with the pellet stove goin.
it makes this kinda steady sound when it's goin'.
i like it.

anyway, i'm here workin' and i'm thinking
'okay, terri, you've lost it. now you're hearin'
lyrics in the fire.'

and i thought 'how weird is that?!'

there's this really intense horrible song (that i
love) about darkness.

and i thought since all that dark stuff's on my mind,
i'm now hearin' it in the fire in the pellet stove.

wow. terri. you're weird.

and then.......i heard it real clear.....
i stopped put my head up.

ZAKK'S LAP TOP IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!

and i put my head in my hands and laughed.

whew.

not as weird as i thought.
well.
maybe.
just in a different way.

whew.

what a -pretty morning.

i got to thinking about 'darkness' this morning.
actually, it was kinda thrust upon me.

had a conversation that totally knocked me
off center.

and i thought about why.

there's sadness, and sorrow and sometimes i call
that darkness.....cause it is. but it comes more
from natural grieving and life processes. i find it
difficult to hear about but i can be centered thru
most of it. or if i get knocked off center, i can
find my way back okay.

but there's a different kinda dark.
it's the pain caused by hatred and anger
and brutality.

that stuff is dark.
and that stuff knocks me down flat.

i don't know what to do with it and i feel totally
unequipped to handle it.

yo saw i was off center this morning and said he'd
go on a walk with me.

nope.
i don't need takin' care of. i'm fine. i'll go sort
thru it all. i'm good.

he insisted. said he likes the walks and he wanted
to come along.

i examined his face. told him that i really didn't
need anything and he could only come along if it
was for fun.

so he came.
do i believe it was for fun? nah. but he came anyway.

and we talked light and fun stuff.
it felt good.
i knew it while it was happening. and i just enjoyed
it.

'don't let the dark take this away' i thought.

we got up to my goodmorningworld spot and he pulls
out his camera. 'gotta say good morning to the world'
he says.

and i grin. i like this guy.

while he's snappin' pictures, i look up to the sky.

'i don't know what to do with all this ick' i say to
the sky.

and i get the thought to just wrap it in light and
hand it to the sky.

that that is all i can do.

there's danger of it eating me away. and i need to
hand it off.

i argue the point with the sky.
other people have to live this stuff. and i can't
even handle hearin' about it?? what kinda wimp am i??

'wrap it in light.' i hear again.
'give it to the sky.'

and so i do.

yo finishes pictures and we head back home.
chattering and laughing and enjoyin' the morning.

'what a pretty morning' he says.

'yeah, i agree. what a pretty morning.'

i look up to the sky in gratitude.

for now, it's helpin' me hold things i can't.

back and forth

we were up at the bank for a long time.
different things to take care of.

one of which was my will.

standing there getting the ladies up there
to witness it...
the phone rings.
one teller answers and says 'hey, baby! how
you feelin'???'
turns out she's talkin' to another teller who
is out sick today.

i hear her say into the phone, 'guess who's here?'

and i'm thinking nooooo she's not gonna say it.

sure enough i hear 'josh's mom!'

there's laughter. and i put my head in my hands.

the one on the phone has never met me and wants
to know if i'm like josh. they joke about how alike
we are.

EVERYONE knows josh.
it's such a cool thing.
and so very cool the happiness that guy spreads around.

when i told josh i was headin' up with my will he said
'just be aware that one of the ladies just lost her husband.
just be sensitive to that.'

and i smiled.
what a heart he has.

and sure enough, we got that lady.
and we talked of her husband.

it was very real and intense.

the whole day was like that.
real and intense and heavy things people were dealing
with, and laughter and goofing and light stuff mixed
in between.

sometimes the contrasts i witness in one day make
my head spin.

today was one of them.

finish laughing, then go talk serious with a friend
with major health problems. finish serious, then go
be stupid with someone else and laugh a lot. finish
that and then go talk about what it's like to have
your husband die in the car as you're taking him to
the hospital. finish that and come back and laugh with
the boys. finish that and go talk about grieving with
someone else.

all day.
back and forth.

i see such tremendous beauty around me and fill with
joy. i hear such tremendous pain and fill with
sadness.

i don't think i ever understood until very recently
that i'll be juggling both in my heart constantly now.

because that's what life is.....
it's both.
you really can't have joy without loss can you?

wow.
what a juggling game it all is....

lessons from the furnace man....

he's sitting on a bucket next to my furnace.
my hero.
the furnace man.

he's come to fix my furnace!

we've been gettin' by with our pellet stoves...
but i tell ya..i could use some furnace heat!

i have a contract with these guys, but didn't want
to bother them on the weekend, or on the holiday.
or gosh...not the day of the inauguration. they
should be watchin' it. not fixin' furnaces!

so i waited.

i practically hugged him at my front door!

so there he was, sitting on the bucket feeling
very content as he gave a class in oil tanks to
me and the guys.

it truly had the classroom feel. he was enjoyin'
the role of instructor.

he downright smirked as me as i attempted to get
the concept of the wine valve.

i stopped. 'you're smirking at me.'

the boys pointed out that i just missed the whole
point he made.

oh.

'okay. what would you do with the tank in THIS
situation?' he asked...and threw another situation
at us.

i had to laugh.

we played right along. he was teachin', we were gonna
learn.

i almost put my hand up at one point to ask a question.

another furnace man stopped by! he joined in.
i gleefully escorted him into the room with the announcement
that we had yet another teacher!

it was cute.
lookin' at him on that bucket, just enjoyin' himself
so much. tryin' to learn about furnaces where i never
paid any attention before....

they're gone now. our house is warm again.
including the bathroom!!!
ahhhhh....

life is good.

who was that guy?

woke up in the middle of a really intense dream.

telling someone from the bottom of my heart
about trying to honor those who have died by
being the best you can be. shining your light
and in that way bringing them into that light
and carrying them with you.

it's a long thought...but that's the gist.

i had just finished that whole big thought,
was all teared up and the alarm went off.

i lay there and thought about it.
and who was that i was talking to in the dream?

i'm thinking maybe another part of myself....

and THAT'S the part that has me intrigued.

young guy, more on the wild side.
been abandoned and didn't see the point of
connections. listened with curiosity but no
intent of soaking it in and holding it.

hmmmmm.........

definitely stuff for my walk!

happy thoughts

okay.
so maybe i'm punchy.

i had to do a few things.
turnin' back to the valentines.

told the guys....
okay! i'm gonna make a happy valentine!

their response:
'rigggggggght.

i turn to a quote.
grin.

i spose it shouldn't start with
'at first it was all blackness dark and deep.'

and then i laugh......

this may be harder than i thought.....

happy thoughts.
happy thoughts.

fooey

okay.
so i'm tryin' to stay off of sodas.
new year's resolution and all.

i've allowed myself ONE mountain dew
a week.

one.

so you gotta time it right.

timing seemed right.

i couldn't think anymore, there was
no sense of humor....i was dull.

so.
the kids are workin' with me.
i have a dew.

it doesn't take long.....

it kicks in.
we know it kicks in because yo yo
makes a mistake and says 'fooey.'


fooey.

i haven't heard that word in years.

fooey.

what an incredible word.

so i start sayin' it over and over and
over as i sit here tryin' to make
valentines.

my valentines are coming out dark and
not very valentiney at all.

fooey.

i burst out laughing.

they're lacking joy i say.

give me that dew.

'mom, you need to have these more often.'

grin.

yeah.
maybe so.

no.
no.
no.

i just need a nap here and there!

fooey.

the valentine's are callin'..........

blog breaks

i just took a break.
had to eat some popcorn.
food.
i wanted food!
so i ate popcorn and read some blogs
and treated myself....

came back to find a comment from someone's
blog i was just reading! lol!
we both musta been taking a blog break!!

i rarely comment back to comments. try not to.
but mary put out something that i had been thinking
regarding the intention blog....

i asked myself this morning what could i do to help.
mary pointed out that i already do. (help)
(thanks, mary)

i had kinda nudged myself on that this morning
and told myself to realize that i did help already.
(i have a hard time seeing that) so i made an effort
to see. and i saw.

but i'm thinking there's a difference in the intention
part....

i want to intentionally take that question thru the year
with me.

right now i kinda stumble into helping.

but what if i was looking for that???

like the only other time i did the intention thing....
it was something like 'this year we're going to reach out
to as many women as possible.'

well......i already was reaching out to women. but what
that did was direct every business decision i made.

does this help us reach out?
would there be a better more effective way to do that?

it was cool too as it actually helped me get clear on
decisions i had to make.

so i was thinking the same kinda thing here.

it just kinda fine tunes it, tweaks it, puts it in
the front of my mind.

altho.......get this.....
i'm not ready to commit to this yet!

it floated into my brain today.
if i'm gonna commit and make my business decisions based
on my intention, and hold a knowing inside myself,
well, then........i want to be sure to really feel it.

so i'm sitting with it all for a bit.

it sure seems to feel right tho.

and if that's the case....how do i INTENTIONALLY help.
where does that lead me???

hmmmmmmmm..........
thinking........

good questions

speaking of good questions (see post below)

i had an email exchange recently that was
intense for me.

someone close to me was/is doing something
that in my eyes is inexcusably wrong.

i wanted to say 'morally' wrong....but when
you say that, people go to things like 'affairs'
and stuff like that.....

that kinda stuff is hard for me to get all
judgmental about as i think there's a lot of
confusion involved, needs, sometimes love....and
it's complicated and most times i think people
aren't deliberately hurting.
i don't know....it's just complicated.

but this situation isn't complicated in my eyes.
it's black and white wrong to me.

i tried to stay out of it, but he brought me in.

when i described the game that was being played,
he told me he was aware of the game and chose to
stay in it.

this was a new thought for me.

for some reason, i thought when people figured out
they were playing a game, they'd want out.
who wants games???

um.
he does.

funny how that's a new concept to me.

anyway.....the last thing i left him with was
a question....

well two.

what is it you are gaining by staying in the game?
what is it you are losing?

since then, i have been thinking about those questions
a lot.

i have a difficult situation i'm tryin' to figure out
right now.....and those questions keep runnin' thru
my head.

i like those a lot.

they seem like they should be asked on a routine basis.

what is it you are gaining in this situation?
what is it you are losing?

hmmmmm......

intentions, questions and confusion....

i'm always three steps behind....
for a month now i've been wanting to figure
out where i'm going this year with bone sighs.

i'm finally just now giving that the thought
i've been wanting to.

and i haven't a clue.

but.....something kept ringing thru my head
this morning on my walk.....

'what can i do to help?'

that just kept runnin' on thru the brain.

i thought of intentions.

when i first heard of the concept of making an
intention, it was years ago. and several different
people were getting my attention and saying straight
at my face, 'terri, you need to make an intention.'

i kept thinking 'yeah, yeah. i gotta do that.
and i'm not exactly sure what that is. but it sure
sounds like i gotta do that. i need to look that up
and read about it....'

i never did read about it. what i ended up doin'
was stumblin' into making one without even knowing
enough to officially call it an 'intention.'

what i clearly remember is when i decided on what
i wanted for that year, i remember being filled
with a knowing that it would happen.

i think that's the secret key part of an intention.
altho, i'm not really sure as i never DID read about
them!

but that knowing part......that's the key in life,
isn't it?

so.

that's runnin' thru my head along with 'what can i
do to help?'

and i'm thinking......terri! you can't do a question
and an intention together!

can you????

i don't know.

after i scolded myself, i got to thinking......

it could be a really cool combination.

the intention to help and knowing that i will.
the openness of not knowing how.
that seemed like an okay thing.

don't know.
it's all just hittin' me now.

gonna be thinking on this for a bit now......

just seems like such a good question:
'what can i do to help?'

quite a day

i passed some guys on my walk that i'm pretty
sure were headin' for the bus downtown today for the
inauguration. it was kinda cool. you can feel
the excitement in the air.

it's gonna be quite a day.

i keep thinking of that sentence obama said...
'and they said it couldn't be done.'
(or something similar to that...)

i know *i* said it couldn't be done.
i just never thought our country could get over
the racial split and pull this off.

it's quite a day.

and that sentence is ringing thru my mind.

what is it in my own life i would do if i knew
it could be done?

my guy wrote me a heartfelt note awhile ago.
i have bits and pieces of it hanging here and
there as it really inspired me.

and he asked the question:
'if you could do something and know with absolute
certainty that you would not fail, what would it be?'

i was looking at that the other day as i cleaned.

what would it be?

and today as i watch our first black president
step up, i'm thinking maybe i really ought to give
that some serious thought.

could really add some spice to the journey.......

winning

i laughed out loud at a comment left here
on the post of what i'd be thinking about
guys when i was 16.
it was from a guy i had a crush on when i was
16! go figure! life is weird.

i laughed, thought about him, thought about
that crush so long ago....and smiled at the way
life turns out.

so much of me is the same and so much of me
is different. so much of him is the same and
so much of him is different.

i guess that has got to be everyone, huh?

which parts have changed?
which parts haven't?

my spiritual beliefs have totally changed and
that feels good. it feels like growth.

some of my beliefs in the world have changed
and that doesn't feel good. that feels like it got
kicked outta me.

and i'm thinking that maybe that's something
to look at.

i'm thinking maybe if something becomes part
of you, it's good when it feels like growth.
if it feels other than growth....then maybe it's
not in you quite right.

maybe it needs some tweaking.

doesn't mean all your thoughts have to be rosey.
that's not what i mean.

just that maybe if it feels kicked into you,
maybe there's still a lot of healing to do there.
and maybe the beliefs surrounding it are based
on hurt, not truth.

life can hurt a ton.
but if we let that hurt shape our beliefs and
color our outlook, we've lost. ya know?

i'm not much of a competitive person. and i don't
really see life like a battle.
but i do think we can win or lose something here.

and i don't know....i just don't want to lose.

talkin' to myself

a friend who's just been in a whirlwind for a bit
checked in today. she was filling me in on the new
love in her life. it was so fun to read. and then
she asked me 'how's your love life?'

i grinned.
i felt like i was 16 again.
passing notes about our guys.

so i wrote and told her it was good.

maybe not quite the way i would have worded
it when i was 16...
i found myself writing 'the more i know that
guy, the more i like him.' and i smiled.
cause that's the god's honest truth.

it's not really what i woulda been thinking
at 16....but at 47....it so matters to me!

and i know that that's not always the way it goes.
i know what a valuable thing that is.

it's been a long time for him and i. we were talkin'
about that the other day. he said we've been dating
longer than some people are married!

and i find myself still seeking his advice, looking
for his opinion, wanting his thoughts.

i can remember losing that along the way in my
marriage. i remember knowing that i lost that.
and i remember the tragedy of that.

when you lose that.....what have you got?

and so......i sit here and think about it.
and treasure that goofball neanderthal.

it's been a long road since that sixteen year
old passed notes about a guy....
and oh how i wish i coulda had a little talk
with her!

hey! i guess i still can!

laughin'!
it's never too late to talk to yourself!

the streak of pink

it's a real wintery looking morning.
the sky is so gray.

i walked and thought.

where do i go from here, i wondered.
i looked up at the sky and asked.
where do i go?

and i was filled with the feeling of it
didn't matter.

all that mattered was that i kept on going.
that i kept on believing.
i kept on trusting.

the more i did that, the better i'd get at it
and the more i'd have to do it.

didn't matter where it took me.
just that i stepped in to it and let it take
me.

i turned the corner and saw the beautiful
streak of pink in the all gray sky......

i stared at that pink as i walked.
and i knew i just had to keep believing.

the gold at home

i spent the first half of my walk coming
to grips yet again with some garbage floating
around the edges of my life.

again and again i come to grips. then get hit
again and come to grips again. the good news
is i get better and better about it.

and so i did.
i got myself to see the others in the situation.
to see their needs and their ways of meeting
those needs.

i realized very clearly that i have it down real
good in my head. a bit in my heart, and definitely
not in my cells.

if i had it in my cells, i wouldn't have that feeling
i was flooded with on saturday (see posts below).
i know when i get it in my cells, that feeling will
go away.

so with the ideas of the last few days in mind,
i deliberately turned to what i want in my cells.
i turned towards the 'i am worthy.' i turned towards
the beliefs i want to run thru me.

and i turned to my life. the life i have built on my
own. the life that is full of love.

i thought of a note i found yesterday while cleaning
my studio. a note from yo on mother's day. a note from
a then 19 year old telling me how he feels about me.
i cried all over again reading it.

terri....if you cannot see the gold in your life,
then you don't deserve it. it's everywhere. it's so
overwhelmingly beautiful. you have everything that
matters.

choose where you put your energy these next few
months, girl.

do you turn back to the pile of ick that you left?
do you turn back and cover yourself in that?

or do you turn towards the mountain of gold in your
life and hold that with the utmost care and gratefulness?

tough decision, huh?

grin.

perfect timing.
as i was thinking this question, i turned onto the
highway.

the highway where i leave my garbage.

i left the ick up there.

and i turned toward the gold at home......

adjusting a sentence, adjusting a way of life...

a line from the post below:

i do not have to hand myself to people at my own expense
when they might not even necessarily need that.

um.

maybe we need to adjust that.

leave off the second part.
no need for that.

how about this:

i do not have to hand myself to people at my own expense.

oh yeah.

oh yeah.

better.

and an interesting journey looms ahead for me.......

opportunity for choices

a reminder came tonite across the dinner table.

a situation i stepped out of and am considering
stepping back into hasn't changed.

as a matter of fact, it looks like it's only going
to get worse.

ohhhhhhh yeah.
that makes sense.

if i had thought it thru, i woulda known.
i guess i just didnt' want to see that tho.....

and so.
it occurs to me.
not everyone having a hard time needs me.
go figure.

they don't need me putting myself in their
face making sure they're okay. i don't have to step
back in like i had planned.

another opportunity to be real.

i will call in a few days and put it out there honestly.
speak my truth.

and then i will sit back and wait.

i do not have to hand myself to people at my own expense
when they might not even necessarily need that.

what a concept.

it's choices.
it's always choices.

why don't i let them decide what's healthy for them?

and why don't i stop trying to figure that out and work
on what's healthy for me?

i don't have to fix this.

how DO these obvious things get by me like this?!

i actually feel liberated.

doesn't mean i won't be there for her if she needs me.
it just means it will be HER choice to ask,
and my choice to respond.

it's not written one way because a challenge is ahead.

the challenge has given opportunity for choices to be made.

that is so cool.

habits, good and bad and new

been cleaning out my studio and thinking.....

yesterday, after i told him the fear of mine,
we were driving. and i told him about the bone
sigh i wrote:

'maybe being brave is no more than staring down
the 'less than' feeling and stepping up to the
'i am worthy' feeling.

we both agreed, it fit perfect.

as we drove, i thought about that staring down.
how it's so hard sometimes. but i would do it.

today, as i clean, i think 'oh yeah,i can do it.
it's not that hard. you just gotta hang in there
and do it.'

and then i go to how i felt yesterday.
in the heat of the moment.

it IS hard.

but if it wasn't hard and scary, why would i
consider doing it being brave??

helloooo terri....

and then i read mary's comment. about it
turning into a bad habit.

doesn't feel like that. it just creeps up on me.
and then it's so strong, i don't know what to
do with it.

stare it down.

but what if it's like she says....the more you
do it....stare it down.....the easier it will get.
maybe that's the forming of a good habit.

maybe the other really is some kinda bad habit.

it's a familiar feeling.
it's something that comes up when i'm in code
red or code blue or whatever the scary code is.

it's what i do when i see a certain situation.

maybe there really is something to the habit
theory.

how to change habits?

there's force.
grin.

but there's also the stepping to the side and
seeing things from a different angle....

and! there's also the concentrating on the good
habit.

maybe it's not the staring down part.
maybe it's the stepping up part.

maybe i've been trying so hard to stare down the
less than, that i've forgotten about stepping up
to the i am worthy part.

and she gets up and tries it again......

soft fuzzy leg warmers!

he got me these goofy leg warmers for christmas.
i loved them. and they're warm! but they're scratchy!
scratchy makes me cranky.

i knew the cold was coming. was amazed at how much
warmer i was with these things. wanted the warmth
without the crank.

so i keyed in 'soft leg warmers.' found a pair
and ordered them.

ohhhhhhhh ho ho.

they came in the mail yesterday.
just before we were headin' out.

i slipped them on.

ohhhhhhhhhhh sooooooo soft. it was like my
legs were being hugged.

we pulled into the parking lot of best buy.
i hate that store.
never go in there unless i'm with him and he
needs to go.

this time i got out of the car and just grinned.

i could feel my leg warmers. ohhhh they felt nice.

he looked over at me and laughed. he knew what the
grin was about.

as we walked around i just felt them.
so soft and cuddly and warm.

ohhhhhhhh.........they made that store wonderful.

i slept in these things last nite.

ohhhhhhhh man.

my house is drafty. they make SUCH a difference.

i'm gonna get a thousand pairs of these things.

they make life softer, gentler, and cozier.

these things rock.....

why is it always about trust??

big stuff came up yesterday. he pushed hard anyway.
he pushed me so hard he landed me right into the belly
of one of my biggest demons:

here's the bottom line:

deep deep deep deep down i am convinced that if you
give me long enough, it will become clear that i can't
give you what you want, and you will leave.

i will be a disappointment, and i will lose you.

it's so deep that when it surfaces, i am struck by the
depths i can feel it came from.

he told me he thinks everyone has that.
if we're all carryin' that, why aren't we sittin' around
talkin' about it?!!!

anyway.....

there's the pull.

i had that fear yesterday. big. huge.
i'm there. i'm gonna do it. i'm gonna let him down.

but i have to. i can't give myself away anymore.
and i'm terrified to be put in the position again where
i have to pick between me and someone i love. i've been
there too many times. and it sucks way bad.

so that's trust, right?
i don't trust he'll stay.
i don't trust i'm enough.
i don't trust he'll see enough in me.
i don't trust i can handle yet another sucky situation.

all of that and more....
so trust.

and at the same time, i trusted tremendously.

i thought out loud with him. i told him my thoughts
as they came thru my head. i was totally honest. didn't
edit them. couldn't look at him. but did say the stuff
out loud.

an incredible act of trust. i knew it when i was doing it.
i knew right then that there were two very strong opposite
forces working inside of me.

and as usual, he didn't waiver. he listened. asked things.
nudged gently. loved me.

it got too hard for me. i asked him to tell me about his dog.
a distraction. there was a story about his dog he was going
to tell me. i needed a break.

he held me. his voice whispering his story in my ear.

i felt his whisper and i closed my eyes and held every bit of
it i could.

and i knew that one way or another, this man was going to teach
me to be who i really am and to ultimately trust that i am
enough.

i choose both.

i've been wanting to stretch my studio into josh's
old studio area for weeks. not enough time. couldn't
get to it.

i shoulda known......when the time is right.

it happened in full swing yesterday. and it was perfect
timing as i got thrown off center really big time.
cleaning is the best thing for me in a state like that.
and so cleaning and moving and sorting began!

in the middle of it all, i wrote a friend. told her
what was up.what had thrown me off center.
told her how i was feeling about it.

there's nothing like girlfriends, is there?!

she knows all the ins and outs of the story so she could
pick it right up. she knows my heart and my personality
so she could figure out my reactions.

her response was strong.
LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION, TER.

she clipped a couple things i had typed her about how
i felt. told me to pay attention to that.

and then she said....'talk to the ters.'

now.
THAT is a friend.

she knows that's how i work. talking to the different
parts of me. AND she knows i will forget to do that
at times when i need to do it most.

it's not odd to her. not goofy. she understands it's
a necessity for me. and nudges me towards it.

here's the bottom line big deal for me.
the person i trust most in the world besides myself
sees something one way. i see it another. he tells
me i'm reacting thru fear. i don't think i am.
but i'm always afraid of doing that. (yeah, there's
some kinda joke in there.)

now.
there.
lesson time.

who do i trust???
how much do i self doubt???

my girlfriend pointed out to me that i'll check, recheck
and recheck myself again as i try to see myself really
clearly. and that i need to trust that i do that and
listen to my intuition.

all very sound advice, yes?
and i totally agree.

here's the kicker....it's a moment where buttons are
pressed, self doubts arise and i have a choice....
which one of us do i trust?

i've trusted others way too much in my past.
not trusted myself enough.
i'm painfully aware of that, and scared to continue
an old pattern.

but then does that fear push me in the wrong direction
of not trusting someone who definitely can be trusted??

i figured out the answer.

trust both of us.

because something we do really well is hear the other.
and look honestly at ourselves.

just cause we look, doesn't mean we see.
right away, anyway. but maybe it's the looking process...
i don't know. we seem to eventually see.

so i've chosen to trust both of us.
not me over him.
not him over me.

but what we've built together.

that in itself feels kinda amazing.

now......the actual hashing thru and looking at it all...
i know in the end it will be amazing....
it's just the process that's not so great.

and truthfully?
i wish i didn't have to do it.

but then i think of the brave stuff.
being brave.

as silly as it sounds, THIS is the stuff i find
that takes courage. this is the stuff of bravery for me.

so, i don't know....maybe i'll chicken out.

grin.

we'll get you thru....

when his daughter died, i spent a few
days with him. the darkest days i've
ever experienced in my life.

when i was leaving to go home, i held
him tight and whispered in his ear
'i'll help you thru this.'

i meant it.

and i've been trying.

i just hung up the phone with yet another
person i found myself saying
'we'll get you thru.' to.

i heard myself say it.

and i meant it.

getting people thru.
doesn't mean it's not thru to death's door.
doesn't mean that at all, does it?
it could be getting you thru right up to
the door. it's not about healing.
it's about walking. and trying. and loving.

i think of yesterday, sitting there with my
friend not knowing any answers but knowing
i needed her and all the people in my life.

they get me thru.

that's the part that's life, isn't it?
it's the holding on tight, the whispering,
the laughing, the crying, the caring...
the getting thru.

'the journey' they call it.

life.

i heard myself say that today.
i felt myself say that.

i mean it with my whole heart.

and i realize that feeling that i feel...
THAT'S what it's all about.

it doesn't answer me about where we go after
this life, about what happens and what's the
purpose....i don't know any of that.

but that feeling when i say that to someone....
i know that feeling's beyond me.
that feeling contains every person who ever lived,
it contains all that connects us,
it is love and strength, and courage and compassion
and all the best of life.

we'll get you thru.
you get me thru.

together.
connected.
open.
sharing.
caring.

and the journey continues........

love

i noticed it yesterday.
i'm thinking it was after the fourth
'i love you' i shared with someone...
that i noticed it.
that sentence is part of my life.
in such a real sincere way that it stunned me.

when i was growing up, my family never said that
sentence.

ever.

i remember as a teen babysitting for one of
the kindest, gentlest families i ever met.
and 'i love you' was part of their every day
talk. and it wasn't quick and thoughtless...
it was sincere all the time.

i was so amazed.

i had never seen that before.

i was the first one to ever say it between my
parents and i. i told my dad i loved him for the
first time ever. i was in my early twenties.

he said 'thank you.' in response.

yeah.
laughin here over that one.
cause i can laugh over that now.

when i had my own family, that sentence was
important to me. and it became a part of my life.
and never in a casual way. it took too long
to come to it for that.

yesterday i realized that it was everywhere
thru out my life now.

and i thought about how far i've come.

i made a decision awhile ago.
i wanted a life of love.

wasn't sure i could have one.
but i wasn't gonna settle for less.

yesterday i saw it so clearly.....
i had one.

i have one now.

how awesome is that?!

i don't take that lightly.

i got what i wanted.

now.
to tend to it.
and keep it what i want.

that's the way i can pay back my gratitude.

feelin' pretty darn lucky.....

can't you just feel it?

i love winter.
it's my favorite.
and i love fridays.
i get to go out to lunch with my sons.
and i love my room.
it's cozy and it's mine and i like it.
i sat on my bed this morning putting my
sox on just thinking how lucky i was to
have it.

yo was downstairs.
(usually he heads right up to his office)
but he finally finished some deadlines,
so he was workin' on makin' his room his own.
(he had shared a room all his life....first
time ever he's got it to himself!!)

that tickled me.
egged him on to put on some loud music.
i love that in the morning.
gets me all happy.

then egged him on to join me on the coldest
day yet of the winter for a walk!

at that point i was feelin' such gratitude
that i was practically sailing down the street!

it wasn't THAT cold. certainly not like the rest
of the country. just coldest it's been for us.
yo asked me if my face was frozen.
yeah! don't you love that, i responded?
that's one of my favorite parts of winter!

he grinned.

we moved outta the way of a truck.
a tree snagged my hat off.
i laughed cause it just held it on its
branch.

yo said it was cold too. needed a hat.

it felt so good to have the hat off.
i kept it off.

yo said now my whole head could freeze.

but it felt so good. the cold in my hair...

i am feeling grateful for everything this
morning.

the fresh air that made my cheeks rosy.
the young man who willingly joins me.
the cozy house to return to.
the love that surrounds me.
the work that is waiting for me.

i like my life.

it's full of challenges, that's for sure.
but you know what? i'm up for them!
and i'm even grateful for that......
i wasn't up for them ten years ago.
but i am now.

it's gonna be one heck of a good day.
can't you just feel it?

shampoo!!!

she brought me a christmas present....
all wrapped up so pretty.

i opened it with quiet glee.
i was trying to be mature.

but then my mouth flew open in delight!
so much for maturity....

she got me fun shampoos!
shampoos with fun names!!!
i LOVE that kinda thing!

things that perk up shower time.

just like mister bubble used to do for
bath time.

let's see.....am i in the mood for
long term relationship shampoo??
nahhh not tonite....
oh i know!
drama clean!!!
always!
but then again...how about
'color me happy'???!!!

THAT'S THE ONE~!

these are the kinda presents that are
priceless.

she knows me and she knows how i play.

how cool is that?!

is it too early to shower???

awesome incredible....

and i thought i was busy.
she was way busier than i was.
and yet she squeezed me in anyway.
she's so darn loving.

neither one of us had the time for this.
and yet, we did it anyway.

she sat there loving me.
i sat there pouring my heart out.
story after story.

to end with 'i just don't know what to do
with it all. i just can't figure out how
to accept and balance and the whole deal.'

she didn't know either.
that's why we're buddies.
neither one of us knows!

as we talked i told her i thought i was
ready for the year ahead tho.
that i was ready to learn.

but i also know from that quick visit we just had,
i can't do it alone. her love matters so much.
the friends around me matter so much.

i am so grateful they put up with me.
she has no clue the beauty she hands me every time
i see her.

what a journey her and i have shared....
what a journey it all is....

hard?
yeah.
incredible?
yeah?

kinda awesome incredible.
just like she is....

lucky

i never listened to melissa etheridge until
she came into my life. she loved melissa's music.
and when her cd, 'lucky' came out, she made me
go get it.

it was the height of our friendship. she had
extraordinary circumstances to her life. trust
wasn't much a part of it. she didn't know how to.
and then i bumbled in and we both learned how
to trust each other.

it was intense. it was incredible.

the song 'mercy' on the lucky album was 'our song.'
i never really had a song with anyone....but that
one was ours.

i remember she wanted to ask me about it. tried to,
but felt too vulnerable. i hadn't heard it yet,
so i didn't realize what she was trying to say.

and then i was driving, put it on, and couldn't
believe it. that was us. i called her and told her.
i could feel her relief that i 'got it.'

and in my heart, i always felt if she was a singer,
she would sing just like melissa.

i can't listen to melissa very much these days.
it makes me miss her way too much.

but for some reason, i grabbed a melissa cd
for the car drive this morning. put a few songs on.
thought of her. teared up. turned it off.

on the way back i tried again. turned it on.

the emotions were so strong.
i missed her so much. i went to turn the music off.

wait a minute ter.

what are you afraid of?
feel it.
just feel whatever it is you're not allowing yourself
to feel.

let it come out.
it's been wanting to for years now.
let it come out.

and so i did.
i drove, and let whatever was going to happen happen.

i didn't hear the words to the songs anymore.
just the sounds. the sound of melissa's voice, the sounds
of the instruments.

they'd hit different parts in me.
and i tried to feel where the overwhelming feeling was
coming from.

right smack in the middle of me.
not really at my heart. i have no idea what organ would
be there...but it was right smack in the middle.

i just let go and felt it.

and then it did the strangest thing.

it's like it carried me.
it swept me up and carried me.
i had no control over it.
i let it go where it would.

and it took me to the other side of the pain.

you're kidding me?

i've been tryin' so hard not to step into these
feelings cause they hurt so much....
and there they were, not doin' anything i couldn't
handle....and they were taking me to a new spot.

the spot i started in was all about losing people.
the grief of losing.

where it carried me to was desire for living.

how strange.

i thought about living life.
and living fully.

and another song of melissa's came into my mind.
'lucky.'

i wanna see how lucky i can be.....
i love that song.....

it's about living totally.

i gotta go grab that album and give it a listen.

i was reminded of something on the way home today....
the pain can bring you to really cool places.

if you let it.....

balancing

i tumbled out the door needing to see the
sky badly this morning! i landed in my
front yard with my arms wide open and
looked up at the sky.
ahhhhhhhhhhh.........

i remembered this song from years ago
that i just loved.
this woman sang about the sky being like
a lover to whom she always longed...to
whom she always belonged.

it rang thru my head as i looked up....

i needed the cold, the morning, the sky,
the walk.

it felt so good.

got a note from a friend this morning tellin'
me she thought i was bein' too hard on myself
with the brave stuff. (thanks, peggi)

she said bein' brave was just gettin' up and facin'
the day.

and i got to thinking about what my other friend
said over tea...
'you don't have to do it all at once, terri.'

mygosh.

right now i could put that in every single part
of my life and see how i'm tryin' hard to do it
all at once everywhere.....and that just doesn't
work!

and so i walked and thought about that.

called myself a dope.
then realized that wasn't real constructive.
grin.

so i told myself i just get a little
over zealous sometimes.

i like that term.
over zealous.
and yeah, that can be me.

that's a good thing.
not a dope.
but a good thing.

it just needs to be tweaked a bit, and guided.

at the same time, i've been thinking about balance.

thinking i needed more of it.

hmmmmmm.......this seems to be the same deal.

last year seemed like the year of 'acceptance' for
me (altho, that's gonna flow into this year as i never
got it down....)
but i'm thinking this year may be balance.

how does an over zealous dope learn balance???

i tell ya, i'd rather figure it out on my own
than have a ton of lessons thrust my way.

think i'll work on figurin' it out on my own.
soon!

not all at once......but soon!!!
maybe????

a nudge from the universe...

just before i fell asleep last nite,
i read this:

'even more than our experiences,
our beliefs become our prisons.
but we carry our healing with us even
into the darkest of our inner places.
a course in miracles says 'when i have
forgiven myself and remembered who i am,
i will bless everyone and everything i see.'
the way to freedom often lies thru the
open heart.'

(from kitchen table wisdom, rachel remen)

the timing was perfect.
i smiled big, my heart leapt, and i felt
like the universe nudged me last nite.

math problems

i was doin' math with zakk.
we were workin' on a problem.
i sat there and was looking at it,
tryin' to figure it out.

he turned to me.
'what are you doin'?'

i looked at him like it was a no brainer.

'thinking.'

he said 'yeah, but about what?
life or the math problem???'

i laughed.

'believe it or not....it was the math problem!'

these guys know me way too well......

vote of confidence

something i have always liked about him....
he puts it out there like it is and tells you
to pay attention and deal with it, because you
can.

i like it because underneath the whole thing
is this incredible vote of confidence.

a statement of 'i know you can do this. pay
attention to this over here, don't miss this
part, and you got it.'

there's no doubt. there's support, understanding
that it's difficult, so the offer of an extra
set of eyes, the reminders of things that can
be missed. but confidence is the foundation.

i'm thinking that i want to start offering that
to myself on a daily basis.

this self doubt stuff, this insecurity stuff....
sucks.

i like this other stuff way way better.

isn't it a choice on my part?
yeah.
i think it is.

a stupid idea

she told me a story about someone close to her
who died. and a message that she got out of it.

the message was simple....and huge....

LIVE.
no regrets.
live.

that hit kinda big. i like that a lot.

i told her that i have this stupid idea that if
i don't open all the way, if i protect myself,
things won't hurt as bad.

and it's so stupid because of course they do.

'and they hurt worse.' she added.

we looked at each other, smiled.
and agreed....it's a stupid idea.

thinking i gotta let go of stupid ideas.....

tea

i've been overwhelmed to the point of tears lately.
too much goin on. not keepin' up with business.
that kinda thing. i started canceling out on people
and things....even canceled a date!

so there's no way i woulda allowed time for a friend
yesterday. but she didn't know that. and there she
was. at my door. flowers in hand.

she brought me flowers.

at the EXACT moment i needed something like that the
most.

she's busy too. asked about my time. i said i didn't
have long, but could fit in a cup of tea. she said that
was about all she could do too. so tea it was!

we stood in the kitchen while i got my flowers arranged,
the tea goin', that kinda thing. it wasn't long. just
long enough to do the catch up.

'you okay? you look sad.' i asked her.
nah, just her period. she was tired.
'oh, do you get all profound?? i get all profound
when i'm having mine!'

she stopped. thought. and said 'yeah, i do.'

she sat down at the table.
i poured hot water in my cup and left hers empty.
no kidding.
i was that out of it.
she reminded me she needed the hot water if she
was going to actually drink tea.

i doubled over on the table laughing.
like a teenager.
i told her i woulda wondered why on earth she
wasn't drinking her tea. i would not have known!!
and i laughed some more.

i like being around her. i can laugh real silly
and it feels natural. sometimes i just need that.

i poured her water and then sat back down.

'okay.' i said.
'i can't figure something out.'

and so i jumped right into the struggle of living
with your heart wide open, loving with all you've
got....and then letting people go.

i just couldn't figure out how to do it.

she leaned back. said since she happened to be profound
anyway, maybe she could answer that.

'you don't have to do it all at once, terri.'

i was in mid sip. i stopped. held my cup still.

'you kind of work up to it.'

i hadn't thought of that.
ever.

i do that all the time.
i see the big picture and dump it on myself like
i gotta handle ALL that NOW.

wow.
go figure.
i don't have to do it all at once.

can each letting go be just a step towards the
big letting go?

why sure.

i've been thinking about that ever since.....

the smell of zest....

ever since the other day when i was talkin' about
feelin' zesty, i couldn't get the idea out of my
head to buy some zest soap! no kidding! and i'm not
sure i ever bought that before. but i remember the
name. musta been a commercial somewhere in my life.

well......the only time that idea left my head, was
when i was at the store! so i kept forgetting.

so it was on zakk's list of things to get today when
he went out.

and then i got the news today that knocked any zest
right outta me. (see post below)....
but zakk got the soap anyway.

wow. it's strong smellin'.
of course!
why else would you call it zest?!!

so i took a bar and opened it and set it right next
to my keyboard. i just finished doin' my numbers for
the nite and turned to drop some emails.
when this wonderful whiff of zest hit my nose.

woe.

nah, i don't feel zesty.
but it did remind me that i'm alive.
i'm healthy.
i'm soooooo darn lucky.

and i need to keep some sense of a zest spark
inside of me always.

think i'll go take a shower. lather up a bit.
pass me that zest bar, would ya?

numbers

so i got the call.
the partial call.
more coming tonite.

she does indeed have cancer.
ovarian.
yeah.

i was in the middle of numbers.
i hung up the phone.
sat and stared out the window.
picked up my pencil and tried to do numbers.

it didn't seem right to do numbers right then.

went up to the kitchen to have lunch and tell the
guys.

and then on a whim, the christmas tree came down.

wasn't gonna do that today.
too busy.

i either eat or clean when things hit.
i did both.

i had deliberately stepped out of their lives.
i told her so. she wasn't who i was leaving,
but i needed to step away.

and now?

i want to go to her so badly and hold her.

it's not my place right now.

she has sisters and close girlfriends,
a husband, family.

i have chosen this place that i'm now in.
and it feels so strange.

i already told her i'd wait a few days before
i checked in, but i would be there.

and so i sit here thinking what it's like to
be told you have a 60% chance of making it.
get a hysterectomy, get thrown into menopause
and chemo all at once. and try to smile at your
newly adopted son.

i'm gonna do numbers now.
not cause i have to and they're hangin' over my
head, but because i want to get lost in them.
i want to swim in them. i want to be in a place
where you can just add things up and it all makes
sense. it's all logical and unfeeling.

who knew?
that appeals to me so big time right now.

lightning up my arm.

i had written myself a note as i get scattered.
my mind will wander too many places.
i wanted to think about settling on my walk today.
(see post below) and so i wrote down 'what
have you settled in?' on a little note.

i was just clearing off my table in the studio,
saw the note, swooped it up, scrunched it to throw
away when it felt like lightning went up my arm!

TAKING CARE OF YOU!
THAT'S WHERE YOU SETTLE!!!

ouch.
wow.
bam.
zing.
right up my arm.

woe.

okay.

what's that about??

no brainer over here today.
too many pulls on me right now.
too many directions.
and i'm not listening to myself.
i'm taking care of everyone else.

do you mean it, ter?
do you really want to fix where
you're settling or do you just want to
talk pretty???

sigh.
groan.
ugh.

okay.
okay.

puttin' my money where my mouth is.

taking care of me.

and so the circle goes....

whew.
it's a tough one.
it started out tough...and got tougher.

acceptance.
i certainly suck at that stuff.

okay, so you work real hard at trying to accept
someone. you see a whole lotta problems. not just
problems. things you see as 'sickness.' things
you see as harmful. things you see as deadly.

you can't change that. you can't fix that.
all you can do is decide how much you want to be
a part of it and try to balance that.

maybe?

okay.
maybe.

so you work on balancing.

harder than you think.

it works real well to stop seeing them as a person.
start seeing them as something different. not exactly
sure what but something different.

no.
that doesn't work well at all.
that's so dead wrong.
but it seemed to help.
seemed to make it easier to accept.
but it's not acceptance.
it's masked as that, but it's not that at all.

so you see the blunder there.
and you adjust.
and you cope.
and you try to tell yourself you're accepting.
but you know you're not.
you're just passing time.

and then you see it.

they've passed this on to their offspring.

it's continuing.

oh man.

and you curl in a ball and wonder what to do.

and then your friend writes you and is seeing the
same thing in a situation around her.

of course.

this is how the world goes round.

this is how the world goes round.

and you need to accept it.

wow.

is that right?

or do you change focus?

cause it's not just in this aspect.
there's the good that gets passed along.
i've seen it over and over.
the good hearts that get passed to offspring.

the generosity, kindness, love.

that happens too.

do you just concentrate on that?

do you ignore the other?

do you figure it's a balancing act the world does?

whenever i get so muddled and have no clue,
i turn to me.

okay.
all i can do is me.

and i work on me.

but working on me is working on learning how to
accept.

and so the circle goes round and round.
just as the world does.

it started with her earrings....

off i went this morning, with a topic in mind.
'in what areas of your life have you settled?'

ohmy.

who knows why, even i don't know where some of
these thoughts come from....
but my earrings popped into mind!

yeah.
grin.
what can i say?
profound, huh?

i didn't even get my ears pierced til after
my first kid was born!! pierced ears were
frowned upon when i was growing up in my house.
you COULD get them, but somehow it would make
you less than to have them. that wasn't said,
of course....you just felt it.

yeah.
no kidding.

so....i guess i got a little liberated after
having a kid, and i went out and got my ears
pierced! and it was dangly earring heaven ever
since! the longer the better! i got real good
at catchin' babies hands reaching for them!

then, after my third kid was born, i decided i
wanted a second hole in my ears. when my husband
said 'you're not really going to do that, are
you?!' i knew i had to! i promptly went off to
the nearest piercing place i could find!

i have loved wearing earrings. and i have a ton.
i've treated myself with getting new pairs when
i've done something i wanted to reward myself with.
my guy gave me a new pair every single day of my
birthday month one year! (yeah, he's pretty cool)
i have a ton of earrings. and i love wearing them.

so how come i'm rarely wearing them these days??

and so i tried to figure that out.
which led to how i was dressing and eating and taking
care of myself.

a lot of which has been tweaked since new years. but
a lot of which really still needs to be looked at.

and so the list began.

my gosh!
i think there should be a monthly inventory or something.
with the check list...have you settled here? how about
here? or over here??

i feel like my check list has got way too many checks
on it!!!

and so......i just went and grabbed two sets of my
favorite earrings and put them in.

it's a start.
and i'm rarin' to go to work on all of this!

a bone sigh

maybe being brave is no more than
staring down the 'less than' feeling
and stepping up to the 'i am worthy' feeling.

maybe....

maybe being brave is not buying into that
incredibly strong feeling you get sometimes
that you're weird or less than. that shame
that creeps up that makes your face turn
red and makes you want to hide. that feeling
that comes in a thousand different ways but
always feels the same way way down deep.

mabye being brave is staring that down and
defying it.

maybe being brave is feeling that and turning
it around so that it's not holding you, but
you are holding it.

maybe being brave is the turning around that
you do right then. the turning around and grabbing
it. putting it out the door. and then opening
to better things.

maybe being brave is turning, holding,
releasing and opening.

maybe being brave is a dance that i can do........

a can of worms

i had no idea i was this emotional today.
i got up early, been hittin' it hard.
even moving with intent and strength.
i've been watchin' my movements.
they've been quick and strong. i've
been liking that.

so then um....
i can feel the tears coming up.
tears.
voice choking.

funny.
i wouldn't have guessed they were right
there today.

i think i don't like some of the rules of life
sometimes.

and i'm kinda thinkin' it's the little girl
part that's gettin' teary. that part of me certainly
doesn't like some of the rules.

maybe bravery has something to do with my
little girl part.

maybe it has something to do with seeing her,
understanding those feelings, and not closing
the door on them........and juggling the rules with
that???

maybe that's part of bravery too....

wow.
i think i opened a can of worms.

these are the moments

okay.
so bravery is on my mind.

so i tried something that was a little out
of my comfort zone.
okay....if i told you what it was, you'd laugh.
so i'm not telling.

and it didn't quite go as good as i had hoped.
it didn't totally flop, but well, on my insides
it kinda did.

luckily as i sat there trying to decide what to
do with the flop, something distracted me away
from it all.

and then i just typed out to a friend that i was
tryin' to keep my heart to myself. it was so weird
to type.

ohhhhh and i thought of bravery.

funny, in this instance, it's brave of me to try.
it's not my usual way.
unless it's in fear.

this isn't in fear. it's out of kindness.

and i'm just thinking of these two small things and
i'm thinking bravery is just not my style.

i'm thinking i'm looking down the wrong road.

who wants to be brave anyway?
highly over-rated, i think.

okay.....
so spontaneous? free? open?

i don't know.......
i don't feel like doin' that right now.

ohhhhhhhh.......hmmmmmmm............

right here.
that's it.
these are the moments.

i want to close and be left alone.

these are the moments.

these are the moments for bravery and
being free and open.

didn't i say i wanted to be brave with the
stuff already in my life?

am i gonna totally chicken out on that too???

okay.

deep breath, and back in the game.......