TOOTB

i found some new territory this morning inside of me......
wanted to share.....

so the second he said a certain word with a certain tone,
i felt the sting on my face.
it truly was like a slap in the face.
i felt it, noticed it, and STILL didn't realize it was
a button.

i felt myself crawl into a shell and STILL didn't know it
was a button.

okay, so brilliantly quick, i am not.

i went to where that button brings me.
the feeling.
the feeling was that there was something fundamentally wrong
with me.
i went there and started to crawl away.

i stopped.

thankfully, i trust him that much that i could ask him about it.
thankfully, he's that cool that he could stop and talk about it.

he went to explaining himself and what he meant and how it came
out wrong. which i spose gave me the room to go to where i needed
which was - why did i have this huge reaction? i didn't think he
had done anything wrong. so why this huge reaction???

found it as i asked out loud about it.
bam.
found it.

okay.
now i know where it came from and it is indeed a button for me.

taking that on a walk into the gray misty morning, i asked myself
what i do with it now.
seemed like this was something to take to the white tree visual.
how do i grow my white tree??? (for those
unfamiliar with the whole white tree concept, i went and found
the blog that talks about it. think i'll link that every time i
mention this white tree stuff. go here if you're curious.)

what do i do with this to grow my tree? my core value? my self worth?

well.....i have to know this isn't about me not being enough. that this
isn't 'my flaw.' ('flaw' may not be the best word, but it's the one i have
right now)
this is something that the originator of the button was weak on.
not me.

so...the originator of the button will now be referred to as "TOOTB"

okay.
i walked and held that a bit.
now what?

okay, you gotta take that heap of ashes that symbolizes that particular
button...you have to know that's covering some of your sunlight
for your tree and you have to push those ashes back to TOOTB.

whoa.

bam.

i hit new territory.

i didn't want to.

now....i've pushed heaps of ashes to whoever gave them to me before in
visuals. at times with great gusto. why not now???

why this big resistance???

'i don't want to hurt TOOTB.' i thought.
tears in my eyes.
'TOOTB can't hold them.' i thought.
more tears.

wait a minute, terri. this is YOUR visual.
you get to do whatever you want. you can have TOOTB do whatever
you want.

but i don't feel like he'd really take them, i counter.
'he won't take them and i'll hurt anything that was ever there
between us.'

wow.
wow.
wow.

new territory for me.

amazing stuff.

even more amazing when you realize that TOOTB is gone now.
anything that i have to do with TOOTB is completely in my head.
he's no longer here to work this out with.

so i walked.
and i thought about the different stages to this stuff.
this working thru your baggage stuff.

i don't know what those stages are and any list i make would be lacking
i'm sure. but i do know there's the first stages where you don't
even realize all the baggage. you don't even know you have any!!!

then you find stuff, figure it out a bit, and there's anger.
lots of anger.
there's wrestling inside.
lots of wrestling.
there's not letting go and living the story over and over.
there's the attempts to let go.
there's the seeing the grips you didn't even know were there.
there's forgiveness.
there HAS to be forgiveness to get anywhere.
there's back sliding, and amazing forward strides.
there's calm and peace, there's craziness.
there's a ton of stuff in the stages.

and i can see clearly how i've gotten thru the first
stages and really gotten somewhere.
i can see clearly that i've got a brand new one right in front of me here.

and now i see a way i can grow with it - and i resist it.
for fear of something completely in my head.
made up.
the person isn't even alive anymore.

i thought of how if i hand those ashes to him in my mind,
then there's a feeling that i'm making him less than i want
him to be to me.

woe.

i argue that one.
that's pretty obviously wrong.
i argue how he was just a person and that all the complexities
of being a human is the stuff of us. that doesn't make anyone
less.

i got that.
okay.
think i can work with that.

it's the being afraid to hurt him that i'm stuck on.
it's the believing he wouldn't hold his own stuff.
he'd put it back on me.
and then i'd need to put it down and walk away.
and no, i'd never get what i wanted from him.
i'd need to know for myself that those weren't my ashes.
and that it's up to him what he does with his own stuff.
but i can't hold them for him.
and those are his choices not mine.
in accepting me i also accept him.
in accepting him i also accept me.
they're directly connected.

i have never seen this in this way before.

and now i know that i'll be workin' on a visual of handin'
that pile of ashes over. looking him in the eyes, knowing
that i love him for who he is, these are his, and whatever
happens to those ashes is okay, as long as i do my part
and make way for the sunlight. then i must sit back, tilt
my head up and feel the sunshine.

i'll be workin' on that......

our offerings

this morning i posted over on the forum.
let someone know i was thinking of her.
it's the anniversary of the day her son died.
i just wanted her to know i knew.

i started thinking about that forum.
and some of the posts i've read there.
and how it seems like it has the potential to be one
of the best things we've ever done.

i don't know if it will be or if it will really take off and
be a support place for people. but i see that it's already done
some good, and i'm amazed at that.

i didn't want it.
didn't think we needed it.
zakk pushed for it.
for a long time.
and then he created it.
and put it up.
he made it happen.

it's zakk's forum. he did it.

and i truly think it's so important.

noah's got his art on our site. one of the most profound pieces
of art we have was created by him. it's a print called broken open.
the picture shown here. i've seen that print touch a whole lotta people.

and even josh is involved in all this stuff. someone bought his poster
he made. as i was packing it up, i read it. and thought
of him writing it. he wrote it to support patty and her work in south
africa. all proceeds from the sale go to her. i'll clip the words at the
end here.

every single one of these guys has made an offering to the world just
right there in those things. did zakk have any idea what he was really
creating??? did he really understand the potential for the community
we could create?? did noah and josh really understand that their words
and art and giving mattered like they do?

i don't think so.

i don't think most of us understand that.

but i tell ya, this morning i was so reminded that the offerings
matter. and we need to keep making them. because those are the things
that change the world.

and our not offering them for the thousands of reasons we don't is
a mistake. a selfish mistake. the world needs them. i really believe that.
we need to keep offering.

Fly to me in the night
when I'm all alone

Hold me tight and comfort the
bleeding in my soul

Understand I feel like
I have been shattered

Can't line up the pieces for
Happy Ever After

A moment's all we've got
and for now that's all that matters

And these rough angels
bring me hope and laughter

Tough Angels
gather all around

Rough Angels
pick me off the ground

Sometimes
I break down and cry

But

Broken wings
still know how to fly

regularly scheduled coffee breaks....

i heard myself say it.
so earnestly....so 'this is the way it is.'

'if you don't like the outcome, look at your approach.
i'm not sayin' you have to change who you are. just look
at what you're doing. if that's affecting the outcome,
do you want to do that? or do you want to change your
approach?'

so matter of factly.
like i know this stuff and do it all the time.
yep. sure.

i've so got the answers when the problems aren't mine!

and i sit back and think 'okay, missy, what's weighing
heavy on you that you'd have the answers for for someone else??'

and i thought of someone who's pain makes my heart ache.
sometimes it can ache so much i feel overwhelmed.

that's goin' on right now for me.

the pain is icky. 'dysfunctional' doesn't even seem to
come near describing it. 'messed up' falls way short.
'overwhelmingly awful' comes to mind as the best description
i can come up with.

and i sit with this 'overwhelmingly awful' and don't know what
to do with it.

until i step out of myself and imagine me being a friend of mine.
one i'd sit down at coffee with and hash thru life and dilemmas with.

'put it down. it's not yours. oh, sure, feel sad. you can do that.
but put it down. it's already weighing heavy enough on the world.
use it for fuel for the good in your life. creating the good, concentrating
on the good. use it for fuel...not for weight. the only place you
can transform this is inside you. nowhere else. look there.
and use it for good.'

okay.
okay.
i can hear that.
i can prolly even do it (with a few slip ups here and there)

well.
shoot.
i wonder if i could make this a new technique.
sit down with a cup of coffee with myself.
pretend there's two of me.
it's not like i don't do that kinda thing routinely anyway.

why not to go to for support and advice???
why not go to my grown up woman part who does know a few things
and can share them???

oh man.
this could get pretty funky awesome....

wouldn't it just be so darn cool to be stuck on something
and sit down with coffee with yourself and discuss it???
and get some helpful advice???
and just feel better for having talked it out???
and for feeling seen???
like you do with your girlfriends???

what if this was routine???

i wrote down something brene said in the podcast yesterday....
about how we have to understand what it is that really keeps us
from believing we are enough.

i've kinda generally, vaguely been rollin' stuff around in my
head wondering how to approach growing my self worth and my own
value of myself.

this coffee deal?
this going to myself for help???
i swear, as silly as it sounds, it also sounds really healing to me.
really healing.

i think i'm gonna start making some regularly scheduled coffee breaks.
with myself.

i mean........why not???

a house project!

last nite i saw the value of 'not having it all' again,
and i smiled cause it really does have its good points.

between some tax money i'll be getting back and a little
birthday stash i'm thinking i might get, it looks like i'll
have a little cash in hand to do a house project.

the guys have been workin' on the kitchen with me. and
we were all up there last nite when i threw out the idea
that maybe we actually COULD replace the floor with something
nicer.

'if money was no object,' i said,' what would you want to do??'
and the ideas went wild.

i laughed and said 'okay. okay. really. ideas that you REALLY
want to do.'

and that's when the fun for me really started.
i just listened.
and i watched.

and i saw.

these guys know the deal now. they really know it.
we've only got so much. what would be the best way to spend it.

they get that.
and it's not a chore of a thought for them.
it's the way it is.
and it's the deal to figure it out.
and it's part of the fun.

it's part of the fun.

go figure.

i don't want to forget that.

i squirm way too much about stuff being tight.
and yeah, it will be great fun when it's not so tight.
that will have its own kinda fun! i'm sure of that!

but! to see these guys tryin' to choose just exactly
how to get the most bang for the buck was a tickle.

i think what it was was their attitudes.
there wasn't any sign of it being tiring or hard.
they were thrilled there was a little extra cash to
play with, and they were gonna do it right.

there was happiness, excitement, and the feeling of
a challenge - almost like a game.

yeah.
like a game.

which it really is, isn't it?

i want to remember this.

there's something really positive about where we are right now.
and my gosh, to lose that realization would be a shame.

it's been quite a journey with these guys.
and i can't believe i'm saying it, but our tight finances
have been some of the best parts.

how weird is that?!

gifts aren't always obvious are they?

brene's podcast

the beautiful marian pointed me to a brene brown podcast
about self worth! i'm still listening...think i'm half way
thru...and loving it....
and wanted to share.

it's something you gotta make time for, so when you have
a little time, come check it out. it's so great listening
to her.

the host asked her how we get more self love....
i grabbed my pen to write that one down!

she's definitely gonna get me thinking today. thanks, marian!
and of course...ms. brene, thank you!

brene's podcast

thinking out loud.......

havin' a thought this morning.

it's one of those that you joke about...
but there's so much truth inside it that the truth always
lingers in the air after the joke ends.

here's the thought......

it really is all about you.

grin.

yep.
that's it.

okay.
now i've had this thought before.
and it's not new.
but what's new today is the level i'm realizing it's truth.

i've watched at different times stunned at how my own attitude
can affect everything. i've seen it, marveled at it, swore i'd
work with it, and dropped it.
cause it's a tremendous amount of work to really believe it's
up to you how you're affected by things and how you affect things.
it's a tremendous responsibility to believe you shape everything
in your life.

it's a whole lotta work that i'd rather put down on some days.
most days.

now throw this in -

if i really know all those things i want to know and believe i know
at different moments....then i would be incredibly steady with everything.

i'd be so much more at peace.

if i knew -and i'm talking REALLY KNEW- that

i was completely worthy and valuable
i am so worth loving and lovable
that i am love
that the people i'm close to truly love me
that i matter
that i'm seen as much as any human can be seen by those who love me
that i'm capable of handling anything that comes my way
that i'm strong and smart and competent

all that stuff.....you get the idea......
if i really know that.....then i'm in a pretty good spot to handle life.
and love.

i was thinking of my guy today and the thought ran thru my head that
all the problems i have with us REALLY are inside of me. they really
are because of things i don't know on that list above. the problems
really are all about me. (he'll love to hear that one!)

that's a big deal.
and that's what sparked this blog.

i knew i had a PART in this, obviously.
it's a relationship. two people have parts.
he has a part too.
yes.
but.
how i react to his part changes everything.
everything.

and how i react to his part also changes how HE reacts to his part.

and that applies to everyone i'm close to.
if i know this stuff....if there comes a time when i feel hurt or wronged
or slighted or whatevered....if i know this stuff, it's no big deal.
if i feel it's something that needs tweaking i go to whoever it is and
we tweak. and it's no big deal cause the trust is there. the whole
attitude is different.

(this of course works because i truly love and trust those i'm close to-
which is an important question to ask ourselves about those who are closest
to us in our lives...)

and so i stood there looking out my window thinking - 'oh great, so
i'm the cause of all my problems?'
'the problems between bob and i are because of me?'

yeah, pretty much.
and that throws me cause he's a clunk a lot of times and can
do a lot of stupid things. a lot of the problems have been his
fault, i've figured.

but that's what's so amazing to me about this....
it just brings you to this -
"so?"

if i knew the list above, those clunky things would be just that -
clunky things.

things we can talk about and fix or even laugh about and not fix!

how i react is mine.
and that reaction builds and builds on itself. in every single
relationship i have.

including the people i don't like!
if i know all the things in that list, those people that i don't
like are just people i don't like. they aren't threats or hurtful
or whatever. they're just people i don't like.

it's the people that i'm close to that i can take stuff to and work with.
and the people that i'm not close to that i have no need to do that with.

i've blogged about this idea before.
but this is the first time i've ever thought it was all about me.
i mean all.

but here's the part that confuses me.
it can't be ALL about me...cause with the people i want to use this
and grow a relationship with i've GOT to have a deep love, trust and
respect for. and that's where THEY come in.

i think that's their part in the deal.
who they are is their part in the deal.

i've sat and thought about this with my past marriage. and i'm pretty sure
it wouldn't have worked even if i knew this. and that's what i figure was
missing. those feelings.

then what if we had started out the marriage with this idea? i wondered.
still don't think it would work because i lost those feelings of love and
trust and respect early on. i'm thinking it's gotta be with people where
that feeling deepens as you get to know them.

i'm not sure. maybe it would have deepened if i knew the list.
but something tells me it wouldn't have.
and that's okay.

what a treasure to find people who it does deepen with.
and what gold to have the goal of really loving them be what encourages
me to focus on that list of knowing that stuff that i want to know
about myself.

this love stuff....loving others/loving ourselves...
it's so completely entangled.
which makes it so darn beautiful.....

a good event

finally, finally, finally got to go see that movie i tired
to go see the day i got lost...the king's speech.

when i came home and was tellin' the guys about it,
i realized the thing that struck me the most was that the
guy had to keep on tryin' and tryin' and tryin'.

there was no magic thought that made it all easy for him.

even when it looked like he got a handle on it cause he
stood up for himself and claimed what he wanted, and there
for a few moments, he had it. he had his strength...
he had grabbed it...
but then.......he'd lose it again.

and he'd still struggle so darn hard.

that helped me.
that helped me a lot.

and then there was one moment that made me sit back in
my chair and just stare up at the speech therapist talking...
tellin' the king he didn't have to carry his dad around
in his pocket and that he didn't have to be scared of the
same things he was scared of when he was five.

no kidding, huh?
no kidding.

i liked the movie.
i liked what i took home from it.
and i sure liked the guy i went to it with.

all in all, a good event.

thanking karen!

i've adopted her as my sister, and just love this woman so much...
karen has her own blog you definitely want to check out.

she sent me a poem that totally totally totally totally totally
rocked my world.......

this is drop dead gorgeous......
something to read every day.........

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

"Kindness" by Naomi Shihab Nye, from The Words Under the Words: Selected Poems

seeing...

so yesterday i popped up a story tryin' to explain a thought.
and ended with the fact that i REALLY just didn't want to look
closely at what i needed to and put it down. i just really didn't want to
and didn't know why.

well....i figured out why.

and darn it all if it doesn't go to my sense of worth.
or lack thereof.

yeah.
of course.

if i don't want to look at something, it's gonna hit that deep
deep stuff. and it did.

the series of buttons that got hit in me last week and peakin'
in my final melt down story were the perfect series to drop
me right back to that place where i'm looking at the rubble filled
burned out spot of my self worth.

when i can look at this objectively, i can tell you this is awesome.

here i am again.
lookin' at this spot.
facin' what i really need to know and what i really need to
actively work on letting grow.
i am reminded again which i need because i tend to get these really
great insights then forget about them. i need these things in my face
soemtimes.
and here it is in my face again begging me to step up, grab the sunlight,
believe and grow.

that's good stuff. but ya know....
when i look at this as just plain ol' terri, i cry.
i just cry.
it rattles my insides so much.

i'm pretty sure i've gotten to this spot because of all the work
i've done, and it's a payoff. it's what the work brings me to...
more of me to see.

and i'm pretty sure this is something to feel gratitude over.
to get to places where i can really really see what's in me.

bob explained it to me as getting thru the tangle of thousands of
roots that are at the surface and headin' down deep to the main
root(s)....

yeah.
it's a good thing.

and i gotta tell ya...it feels incredibly unsettling.
funny......the word 'uprooted' comes to mind too.....
that works good with the tree image.

i thought of a friend of mine. she's going thru total
chaos inside of her. and i absolutely know it's what she's got
to do to keep growin'. and while i feel her pain, i smile and tell
her it's a good thing. this is making her strong and teachin' her
a ton and she'll come out of this entanglement amazed at herself.
and i totally believe that.

i thought of her this morning.
and then i thought of me.

okay.
what's good for the goose is good for the gander...
or something like that....

suck it up and keep on goin'.
cause it's takin' you where you need to go.......


no.

no.

no.

i can do more than that.
cause i've already been down the road of this kinda stuff.
i already have lived it - where your boat's totally rocked...
tipped over...floating upside down...
and i've found new, beautiful shores to land on.
i know it works.
i know it's part of the journey.

so i can do more than just suck it up and do what i gotta do.

i can know that it's good.
really really really know that.

now that i see what's goin' on....
i can know it.
and i can trust it.

i can try anyway!

trying...

sherry asked me to explain my thought i had a few blogs down a bit more.
had to laugh when i read that......i have no idea what i mean, i'm just
learning and thinking out loud...but i'll try.

here's the part:
"and perhaps instead of putting so much energy into making things look the way
we think they should....perhaps the energy should be in putting those things
down and getting out of the way."

and i think a little meltdown i had last nite might work here to explain it....

i didn't really realize it, i thought my meltdown had to do with finances. but when i sit back and think about it, it hit all the big buttons for me. i'm seeing more and more that finances do that a lot. money is filled with powerful messages.

i was in the middle of doing something that really puts it in my face right now
that i don't have any money to spare. i was trying to be 'good' about it, but
right in the middle of it i just quit. i walked away so incredibly frustrated and
took a shower and just cried. i had been feeling bad as my back was hurting, didn't
have a lot of energy, and put it all into trying to make this situation i was in
look the way i think it should. and suddenly i didn't have any energy left. and
i melted.

and i gotta tell you, when i sit back and see all the strings in this situation
and how they yank on so many buttons...and how none of it looks the way i think it should, well i understand the meltdown. and yet i try and try so hard to make it okay in my head. i so want it to fit the picture in my head. i try to explain it to myself logically, other times i try to ignore it, other times i try to pretend, or convince myself i really am okay with it all...whatever the strategy for the moment, i'm trying hard because it's not fitting the way i think it should look.

i try to make something fit a picture that isn't real. a picture that i've put
together from all kindsa little bits and pieces of my life. a picture no one else
has, cause you have to have all the same little bits and pieces. all those bits and pieces are strings to things that make me feel safe, seen, mattering, all that stuff.
i form them into a picture and different things in my life need to fit that picture
for me to feel 'happy.'

but what if i took that energy and stopped. just stopped. and looked at what was
pressing my buttons. looked at all the bits and pieces i've gathered and why.
REALLY looked. looked at WHY i needed it to look a certain way.

there's a couple reasons i can see right off hand why that takes a lot of energy.
one, to really look and see is hard.

you have to really face what's there. WHY this piece and this piece? why do you need this?
if there IS something there, you have to be honest about it.
i find honesty tiring sometimes.

and if there ISN'T really any reason for these bits and pieces to be part of it all, you have to face the fact that you've distorted a lot of stuff in your life over this stuff that doesn't even matter.

either way, lots of energy.

and then....if you look and see it's blocking your view to what's really there,
you have to put it down to really see. putting something down should be so easy.
i would think it should be so easy. for me, it's not.
i'm not sure why.
but it's not.

but if i can put all this button stuff down in this situation i had last nite,
and really see what's there...and just step out of my way...
well, that would be pretty cool. it would change everything.

this morning as i think about it, the resistance is so big time against that thought.

i don't want to put it down.

go figure.

i don't want to put something down that makes me feel miserable.

you gotta wonder why.

i don't know if that explains it any better or not.
but that's what i got this morning.....

just for fun......

okay...enough of this thinking.
time for a laugh!

josh showed me this yesterday and i just so loved it.
now......i couldn't listen to either song all the way thru.
it was just too much....so that's not the idea here.
all you need is a little bit to get the laugh.

so okay, just in case you're not in the know either......
there's this song that's a hit right now. don't even ask
me why....i couldn't listen to the whole thing. kinda makes
me want to hurl. but give it a whirl for a few moments,
get the gist.

and i couldn't embed it, guys. so you gotta do the links.
so pop on the link, then listen til you get the idea,
then come and back for the next link...

here's the hit....

now....anybody out there a bob dylan fan???
i hope so, cause this made me fall over laughing.

here's another take on that very same song!

i just laughed and laughed......

ah yes.....

alrighty...this one so totally fits with my blog i posted
yesterday that i gasped!

i have read this before. and before that. and before that.
i have it underlined in blue crayon with a star next to it.
apparently i've always understood its importance - but with
where i'm at now it made my eyes pop. so with the blog from
yesterday in mind....check this out......oh man, i want to
type the whole page out!!! remember, this isn't just love -
it's life -

''learn by asking the life/death/life nature direct questions
about love and loving and then listen to her answers. through
all, we learn to not be misled by the nagging voice at the
back of the mind that says, 'this is all silly...i'm just making
this all up.' we learn to ignore that voice and listen to what
is heard beyond that. we learn to follow what we hear - all those
things that bring us closer to acute awareness, the love of
devotion, and a clear view of the soul.

...what must i give more death to today, in order to generate more
life? what do i know should die, but am hesitant to allow to do so?
what must die in me in order for me to love? what not-beauty do i fear?
of what use is the power of the not-beautiful to me today? what should
die today? what should live? what life am i afraid to give birth to?
if not now, when?

if we sing the song of consciousness till we feel the burn of truth,
we throw a burst of fire into the darkness of psyche so we can see
what we're doing. this is the untangling of ones' feelings and the
beginning of understanding why love and life are to be lived by the bones.'

- clarrissa pinkola estes, women who run with the wolves


oh my gosh.
and interestingly enough, my back started hurting yesterday. and once
again i've got the back thing goin' on......
and i swear it feels like i'm ready to just give birth.
i swear, i just want to lay down, give birth, and give my back a
break.

kinda funky weird, huh?
kinda awesome cool.
i swear this is big stuff......

if we sing the song of consciousness till we feel the burn of truth,
we throw a burst of fire into the darkness of psyche so we can see
what we're doing.

tryin' hard to nutshell...

i am in the midst of really working with something that i think is probably
one of the most important concepts i'll ever work with. i musta talked about
it at some point because it's been told to me before and it's been in my head
before. but never before have i been workin' with it like this.

and this morning on a walk, i almost stopped in the middle of the street.
it so totally hit me that it's not gonna just be for one part of my life...
it will be for all parts of my life.

i'll nutshell it or we'll have a book here. i hope it makes sense.

this is where i got it, and probably the easiest to explain -
whether you're in a relationship or not, picture one...and apply this...

you think love is expressed in a certain way. to you, love is this, this, this and this. to your partner, while they can certainly see that stuff as loving, that's not
what their view is, and they don't even think about those things.

ah. groan. a set up for pain, yes?

but throw in this idea........you know your partner loves you. you truly believe that. and you know he (she) doesn't mean stuff by this stuff that feels hurtful.
hmmmm....okay. what do you do with that?

you try over and over to understand. but it's making no sense to you.

and don't forget, they do love you. so they're busy offering love to you.
and suppose they offer love in ways that you don't see it?

oh man, adds a little more to the mess, doesn't it?

here's the line to pay attention to:
'spose you MISS LOVE because of what you THINK love SHOULD look like?

zing.
read it again.

it's complicated and we could write a book here on it.
but i'm nutshelling. so bear with me.

i have done and do that all the time.
and i have finally really really accepted this and am working on it.
intensely working on it.
had to start painting my kitchen to really give myself time to think.

working on it means looking at the beliefs i'm carrying around and how those
beliefs block my view and get me stuck on myself.

working on it is allowing me to sit back and be much more open and watch much
more clearly. and yes, i was given a test that was huge for me after i really
got this thought. i did okay with it. not bad. not fantastic. but pretty good
for someone who's just learning. and it gave me a chance to see all the threads
involved. this is big stuff. complicated. (and we're not even talking about THEIR part in all of this...that's for another time.)

and prolly deserves thousands of blogs.
but we're moving on! :)

walking today i thought of my journey with bone sighs.
yesterday i had to step up and say out loud that i believed in what i was doing
and knew it would work even tho all the facts looked against me. it took some
strength for me to do so, but i believed it with all my heart.

i walked and thought of that belief.
how important it was.
how there was so much power in believing in something beyond you...
even when you had no answers about that stuff that was beyond.
you just believed.

one thing led to another (and i swear, i'm trying to nutshell!) and i got to
thinking of faith. i saw one area inside me where i had solid faith in something.
just solid. not a drop of doubt. (not bone sighs....something else)

then i thought of all the places i doubted. and there are plenty.
and i thought of bone sighs and how i believe in them, but the faith waivers
in the hard times and i have doubt.

AND THEN! i thought of this whole concept i started the blog with........
the stuff i'm learning in love...
it's GOT to fit everywhere in life.

replace 'love' in that thought with whatever there is in your life that you're
struggling with.

so i went to bone sighs.

what if i just KNOW that bone sighs are working. like i KNOW that my guy loves me.
what if when things don't look like i think they should, i know that there are no
shoulds. that i am making the shoulds. and what if i know that.
what if my beliefs that i'm carrying around and not examining are blocking my view
to knowing that bone sighs are and will continue to work. it's MY BELIEFS THAT AREN'T WORKING NOT THE BONE SIGHS! and what if i just knew that.

well, look at that....

i do believe that's faith.

the whole concept i started with is faith.

who knew???

and perhaps the thing that gets in the way of faith is our own ideas of what
things should look like.

and perhaps instead of putting so much energy into making things look the way
we think they should....perhaps the energy should be in putting those things
down and getting out of the way.

and maybe everyone else in the world knows this...
but for me the earth is shaking today and i'm loving it....

tacklin' it all today....

my small business counselor gets my newsletters.
there was a note on the bottom that this is the
time of the 'doldrums.'

he dropped me an email and said then it was time
to meet up.

i really do like this guy.

so, today, we meet up and talk about business.

he's a number kinda guy.
and i usually try to bring him numbers.
this time i was thinking really seriously of skipping it.

they pretty much suck, and i don't feel like looking
at them.

noooo.
no terri.
the man needs numbers.
numbers are what make sense to him.
he's been with you thru thick and thin.
share the stinkin' numbers with him.

and so i grabbed some more yesterday to throw into the list.

and yeah, they so sucked.
we've heard this before.

bob called while i was doin' them. i told him and he
could hear my voice.
'don't get all depressed' he started.
'oh, no. this is beyond depressing.' i assured him.
'this makes my stomach sick.'

so i filled him in a bit.

and the numbers have been on my mind since.

this isn't a blog about finances.
this isn't a blog about rough business times.
it's a blog about suckin' it up and doin' what you gotta do.

cause that's what i gotta do.

and suckin' it up and doin' what you gotta do with gratitude.

this is just the best example for me to use.
cause it's all the things that knock you to your feet are.
it's scary for me....and it hits a lotta buttons.
i figure it's a great example.

as i was out talkin' to the moon this morning, i turned and
looked at my little house. i was in the back yard and the
lights were lit in the house.

i stood there in my swampy back yard feelin' so completely
grateful for this place. my little house of love.
i grinned.
i know what it must look like to other people...
but to me....it's just the best place in the world.

on the treadmill this morning i got movin' to the 'eat my dust'
music. and man i was soakin' that in so big time. i could feel
that feeling runnin' thru my veins.

i thought of all that i had been thru.
the whole journey, right from the very first moment where
i thought i'd be left with absolutely nothing and i said
'well, then, i'll have nothing. and i'll make it work.'

well, then.
you make it work.

or you don't.

it's really your deal, isn't it?

it might not be your deal what you got dealt with
but it is your deal what you do with it.

and thankfully, that's the mood i'm goin' into my meeting
with today. and that feels good.

that and a little gratitude.....
shoot,to even have a small business counselor care and
drop you a note. ya know? every piece of bone sighs is
awesome. well....except the numbers, that is. but there
lies the challenge....

and i'm up for the challenge.

remembering longer walks....

okay, i just dug up old blogs about 'butterfly woman'
for the bone sigh forum. that was such a moving visual for me....

and i don't think i can stand these shorter walks i'm taking.
i think i gotta go for longer walks....i miss them so much.
wrestling inside myself over this one....
maybe i'll just walk around the block ten times??
ah. man. it just doesn't work right.

safety over sanity.
sigh.
sigh.
sigh.

i gotta figure this out.....

a sigh of relief....

i just got the most amazing note from a guy i bumped into
by accident.

this man has made me smile more than once now. and today,
he brought tears to my eyes.

i loved this and asked if i could share it here.
he graciously agreed.

Something to pass on a long to men who are willing to listen:
Men often complain to me that a woman in their life seems to remember every way in which she has been hurt and 'saves ' them like some sort of ammo for a fight, with no statutue of limitations. I have found that is not the case. There are many things we all do to each other, that we forgive each other for w/o a second thought. But what we men fail to realize is that she is telling you how she needs to be shown love. The things we have done or failed to do that she remembers, perhaps going back 10-20 years have a commonality- they tell a story. If we stop focusing on how uncomfortable we feel in having to face how we have hurt someone we care about, and just listen, we may hear 'this is when I felt you didn't love me...here, here, here...and here. Do you see now?"
She remembers those particular things because they communicate something, not because she is petty.

tweetin' the quotes

i'm still tryin' to get in the swing of twitter....
i can write my heart out here, chat away on facebook,
but when i get to tweeting, i get quiet.
i'm workin' on that.

zakk go tired of me over there, so he set up a bone sigh
account without me!!! and it automatically tweets our
quote of the day! how cool is that?!!

so if you're a twitter kinda person and you like the quotes,
go check out what zakk did!!

an interesting drive....

zakk brought it up weeks ago.
we were just talking about things we wanted to do together.
and zakk throws in a rally.
a rally to protest the treatment of the guy who
is accused of handing the leak stuff over to wikileaks.

i hadn't been paying attention.
so many things get by me.

i looked into it after he talked about it.
and sure enough, it was stuff that weighs heavy on your heart.
and the fact that he was the age of my sons added to it all.

it's a hard subject as there's so many strings to it all.
but if you just boil it down to how a human being should be
treated, the subject seems way clear.

we decided to go.

we did go....but not exactly as planned.

we piled into the car.
it had all been weighing heavy on my mind.
i asked the guys if we could talk about it and i told
them that i really needed to TALK and not have any rants,
or anything that would send me over the edge. i warned
them that i would 'burst into tears' if the talk was
callous or know it all or ranting. that this was hard for
me and i needed to hear their thoughts and feelings and just
talk.

and so we did.

we so so did.

we got stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.
and we talked.
we got stuck in a traffic jam in the town.
and we talked.
we got stuck, and stuck and stuck.
and we talked and talked and talked.

and we never got out of the car.
we drove by the rally in bumper to bumper traffic.
we saw where we were trying to get to.
and just couldn't seem to make it.

there was so many cops it was unreal.
blockades, full parking lots, and more cars than
could fit in that tiny town...

zakk was driving, got frustrated with it all and
voted to just keep on headin' outta town as we had
pretty much already missed most of it anyway.

i got teary. i wanted to stand up for this young man.
but knew that it just wasn't working out. and nodded
okay.

by the time we pulled back into our driveway, it had been
over three hours that we had been in the car.

i was bummed we didn't make it like we had wanted to.
at the same time, i realized we had hours and hours of
conversation about the world, about humanity, about justice,
about so much. japan, libya, egypt, the united states,
war, the military, africa, cultures, prejudice - so many
topics.

and because of what we were doing, the mood was serious and
from the heart. for hours.

i got teary as we pulled outta town. i thought of that young
man who was so close to where we were and i wasn't doing anything
to help him....

at the same time tho...i was talking with my sons in a way that
we really never have before. and i saw them as young men who were
looking at their world and what was going on with it. the respect
we had for each other, the listening and thinking out loud and
considering the other person's thoughts was amazing. it was an
honor to be with them.

it was quite a rally we never made it to.

the mistreatment goes on.
i know that.
all over the world.

i close my eyes and try to hold that...and pray for compassion
inside me. inside all of us.

i believe.....

everybody's got their icky stories if they've
been down the divorce road. it's part of the deal.
and i try not to tell mine much. they suck.
and who needs them?

but when they lead to a moment like this morning....
i want to share part of one...

i was the one who wanted out of my marriage and it
hurt my husband an awful lot. anger and hurt turned
him towards 'punishing' me. he got focused on taking
the people in my life out. family, friends, neighbors,
he wanted them to leave me. and so he worked on that.
he told me he was doing it. and i watched. he did one
heck of a job. no one knew but him and i. i chose not
to run behind him and try to fix things. i thought that
people would believe in me and know better.

didn't work that way.

that was probably one of my first lessons in 'real life.'

it's an odd thing to grapple with. there's a million
threads to it.

if i didn't have the kids, i would have moved. it was
humiliating and painful and just holding my head up when
i bumped into someone took all the strength i had.
seriously.
i would use every bit of my strength reminding myself
to be who i wanted to be. be grace. be love.
i would hold my head up thru the meeting, then as soon
as i was outta site (and sometimes it was just a matter
of two steps with them behind me) the tears would flow.

punishing is an interesting thing tho.
i don't think it does what people intend it to do.
the hurt happened. that's for sure.
but so did other things.
i had to keep growing and dig deep and find strength
i didn't know i had. grace and love became things to really
focus on. and i had to believe that who i was was worth the journey.

that's pretty big stuff that i know he never intended.

this morning i came down to an email from a neighbor who i
had lost for awhile. you could see over the years we've
tried to make it better...but it felt like it'd never be
what it used to be. i felt that loss more than i wanted to
admit. he and i had been close. and i missed that.

over the summer, he struggled hard. real hard.
bumping into him outside one day, we ended up having
a long conversation about struggle and life and doing what it takes.
i had learned a lot about that stuff. and i could share some
of those thoughts.

i think that's when he came back.
i think that's when we found each other again.

this morning, he sent me this vid.
said it reminded him of my 'great spirit.'
it's one of those fun flash mob things.
but as i listened to the words in the song,
the tears streamed down my face.

to go from feeling such humiliation around everyone,
to having this sent to me by one of those very people
that i felt it around - well...
it meant the world to me.

no, things will never be the same for me.
and how's that for wonderful news???

i believe........

check out the vid!

spring time music

so every spring i listen to the music from
'jesus christ super star.'

every spring.

and every spring it's talkin' to me in a different way.

but every single year since it's come out -
my gosh, i think that's true......i think i've listened
every single year since the 70's......oh my gosh.....
that's a long time......anyway.......
there's one song that hits like no other.

it's the one where jesus is in the garden wonderin'
what the heck he got himself into and wants out.
but as he prays, he comes to the realization that
'god holds all the cards.'

i love that.
and every year, that song hits me really deeply.

and not every year do i have the same thoughts on god.
that has so changed over the years....
but the song hits deep no matter where i am with that.

as i painted yesterday, i was relating to jesus.
laughing here......sorry.....that probably sounds
pretty bad.

obviously, not TOTALLY.......i was just relating to
the struggle. sayin' 'what the heck am i doin'? i've
tried for a long time and it feels like forever sometimes
and what the heck am i doin'??'

i'm hearin' the song and nodding to jesus' frustrations.
and grinnin' that i'm actually doin' that.

but when he gets to the turn around part.....where he
knows it's what he's got to do....

i get to thinking.....

he was talkin about gettin' killed.

i'm just talkin' about gettin' tired.

there's a pretty big difference there........

i kept painting and i kept thinking.

that album hits me like no other.

noah walked thru. i asked him if he ever paid much
attention to the music. (he's heard it every spring
his whole life just cause he lives with me)
told him the whole thing is psychology.
he's my psychology nut.
told him that when i listen to that music i just get
so caught up in the human psychology of the whole thing.

human psychology.....
it's some amazing stuff.

the song about discouragement...and then knowing....
and then doing.....

it's some inspiring stuff.....

my josh

no kidding, josh is one of my favorite people ever.

he's so darn full of life...with a brain that just never quits.
and a heart that is beyond words.

he called one nite last week.
he caught me just after i had some kinda realization.
the whole thing had totally worn me out.
i sounded beat.
he noticed and asked why.
without even telling him what it was....just generally
telling him i had figured something out, just telling him
a little bit of what it was and i was just tired from
the process, he leapt in with such an enthusiastic 'oh!
that's great! it's the piece of the puzzle you've been looking for!'

i just kinda held my breath in.
i hadn't thought of it like that.
and he was right.

i so loved that.

yesterday as i was painting, i was listening to 'jesus
christ super star.'

i listen to it every spring.

josh walked in the house, heard it, lit up and said
'ohhhh! it's that time of year again!' and launched into
what a brilliant piece of music it was.

i just grinned at him.
he is a joy.

and that joy of mine is gonna be on the radio at the
university of richmond today!! around 1:00.
he's pullin in right around then, so i'm not sure of
the exact time he'll be on.....but around then.
he'll definitely be a treat.
if you've got the time........
tune on in!!!

sigh

walking hard and fast this morning,
it was once again like i was trying to run to an answer.
i knew it and kept the pace up.

heading back home from my walk, i knew i needed more.
turned around and headed to my goodmorningworld spot.
i miss that longer walk. and today i needed it.

got to the corner, looked at the pastel colors in the sky
and shook my head at it.

why always a test? i asked.
why always some big thing as i'm tryin' to get a new idea
down???

frustrated, i stood there looking at that soft sky.

i stood there as the answer went thru me...

you wouldn't want to think you've got it when you don't,
would you?
you want to really put it into practice, don't you?

sigh.

yeah.
i do.
and i turned and walked hard and fast some more.

HOW do i REALLY put this theory into the practical??
HOW do i REALLY shift my insides and rewire my thinking??

it's one thing in theory.
it's a whole 'nother thing in life.

there for a brief moment i had it.
i could feel it.

i had it.

it was when i took the focus off of me.
when i put the focus on the other.

and just as quickly, i lost it.

back and forth i wrestled as i walked.

i'd get it again.
a different angle.
really knowing everything i needed was inside of me.
really knowing that, i'd have it.

and then, bam......it'd slip away again.

walkin' back up to my driveway, i saw my neighbor.
a gentle soul.
we stopped and talked.
i soaked in his gentle spirit.

we ended up talking for awhile.

just standing there looking at him helped me.

something about his gentleness and patience.

turning towards my house i smiled.

more painting the kitchen for me today.
with gentleness and patience for myself.....

growing up 101

the most obvious example is one i pull out a lot.
a few years back when a little girl got court ordered
to go live back in an abusive home in the ghetto
instead of living with her loving gramma, my life
changed.

i got slammed in the face with the fact that good
doesn't always win.

since i was so sure that good HAD to win in that situation,
it hit hard.

and yes, i feel a little bit silly every time i type
that out because i know that's a terribly naive belief.
but i held it tight and that moment blasted it outta me.
and changed me.

it truly did.

i use that example a lot because it's clear and pretty easy
to follow.

yesterday i got to thinking about the other strong beliefs
that have gotten blasted out of me. the beliefs are clear,
the events leading up to them are not. and much more complicated
to explain.

and i think....they kinda happened more in bits. or maybe
the blasts were just way way longer....

there was the family belief.

i understand now that my family is made up of people with their
own limitations. that just because my parents had kids, that did
not change those limitations for them. and that did not give them
the strength to get beyond those limitations. that doesn't make them bad,
that makes them human. and that does not reflect on my own value.

the belief that changed was that their love for me would be strong
enough for them to be there for me. and that somehow would prove my
value and my worth.

that's changed now.

that's a big one.
and well......i mostly have it.
eight out of ten interactions i have, i've got that down.
two of those ten interactions i end up with a lotta self doubt still.
but it's gotten way better. and i really have it way more than i don't.

there's my spiritual beliefs.
gonna keep those to myself here. but again.......totally changed.

and then there's love.
ten years ago i lost my belief in it.
i found it again, but think i picked up a lot of the same stuff
that didn't work when i was starting to believe again.
i think i mixed in the stuff i shoulda let go with new good stuff.
didn't realize it, and just kept goin'.

(actually now that i think about it, i did the exact same thing
with my spiritual beliefs!)

i don't know how i got handed bob.
people ask how we met, and i grin.
he walked into my living room.
he truly did.
that's how i met him.

and i honestly believe there's no other man who could teach
me the way he does.

the other nite he finally got thru to me.
he's been tryin' for awhile.
he finally got thru and i saw something he's been wanting
me to see.

thing is......it's one of those total changes for me.
it changes things a lot.
it's more beliefs changing.

it felt so big and so deep that i took the day and just started
painting the kitchen. i just needed quiet and time to think.
i'll be doin' that again today.

i got to thinking about the 'be careful what you ask for' thing.
how i asked for passion about my life and my life exploded and
completely changed.
how i've been searching for answers about love and i'm getting them.

and i smiled.

each thing that's changed for me, i had to grieve.
it's kinda odd.
cause i know it's a really really good, positive thing that those
beliefs changed for me. i know that means i'm growing up and seeing
for real. and that's what i want.

but there's grief in letting those things go.

i guess because they became part of me. i guess because they
are pieces of my life and i have a hard time letting go.

because i forget life is fluid. and i want it to be a solid
steady thing.

so there was a sadness yesterday.
but it was a really cool sadness.
cause i knew i wanted to go where i was going.
i knew that i have started to see life in a way that i need to.
in a way that i want to.
in a way that allows truly living.

and so i just let the sadness kinda flow thru.
knew it had to.
and i kept turning my eyes to the adult i'm becoming.

that's what it feels like.
like i'm really growing up.
in a good way.

i feel so humbled by the process.
and i feel so grateful for the lessons.

bam.bam.bam.bam.

i love to sleep on rainy nites.
i like the sound and the coziness of it all...
snuggled in snoozin' peacefully, all of a sudden
there was a really really loud
BAM BAM BAM BAM

i hopped outta my bed shaking.
went over to the guys' rooms.
flipped on the hall light, wondering if it would
go on.

maybe it was a transformer that blew from the rain, i thought.
altho....it was awfully loud and awfully close.....

i cracked open noah's door.
he was laying there so i thought he was asleep.
i stood at the door, with the hall light coming in on
him, trying to decide if i should wake him.
he sat up and said something about the noise.

you heard it??? i asked.
zakk cracks his door open, pops his head thru the
crack, squints at me in the light and says
'i guess i didn't just dream that noise?'

as we're standing in the living room trying to figure
out what to do, zakk's cell phone rings.

it's one in the morning. who the heck is calling???
he gets there too late. comes back looking puzzled.
he didn't recognize the number.

then our home phone rings.

i pick up the phone completely muddled. after my
hello a guy's voice says 'terri????'
so now my brain has totally clogged.
'yeahhhhh??????'

it's my next door neighbor telling me he heard
the sound. thought someone got shot over here and
called the police. said he sat up shaking from the
noise.

i was so glad to know about the police.
woulda freaked if he hadn't told me.
and more importantly, i was so glad he was on the other
end of the phone.

we exchanged stories, and hung up.

i grabbed my stuffed monkey and held it as i paced around
the living room.

the police did arrive. they didn't come in. but they drove
around with spotlights in the rain....
i held my monkey and watched from the window.

when there was nothing to do but go back to sleep,
i took my monkey with me.

i swear, i held that thing tight.
there are times i really miss havin' a man to snuggle next
to....this is one of them.
i thought of my neighbor who called.
he's snuggling back on in all alone too.
nah, i thought. and i grinned.
that just doesn't work right.
and i held my monkey closer.

this morning when i put the recycling out, i joked that
i went looking for dead bodies.

thing is......i did.

well, i glanced around anyway.

it was the weirdest feeling.
and i really really didn't want to find one.

i'm still voting it was a transformer that blew.
i like that thought.
this other one i don't like.

and the story? i thought it was kinda funny and would be fun
to post. but that's not the real reason i'm posting it.
for me, it was the reminder that things change in a flash.
that last nite coulda been awful. it coulda been a shooting.
it coulda been one of us, it coulda been my neighbor.
and then suddenly, life is changed.

that's the real reason for the post.
one minute you're asleep. the next you're standing in the
hall shaking.

it happens.
and i'm so grateful i could wake up just fine this morning.

a place on the forum.....

i am overwhelmed with japan........
just overwhelmed.

i just put up a place on the forum in case there's
anyone else feelin' that who wants a place to talk,
share links, post poetry....anything.....

if you're interested...you can go here.

a cool thought.....

i liked this and wanted to share.........

from 'when the past is present' by david richo.


'is there a middle way between hope and despair?
it is the unconditional yes to the given of life that
our needs are sometimes met and sometimes not, that
life is not always predictable, that things do not
always come out the way we want. between the extremes
of hope and despair there flies a wise owl. he is the
one that lands not in the marches of wishful thinking
nor in the desert of despondency but on the tree of
life, the reality of how things are in the human world.
we can sit with him on any branch of mindfulness.
there we feel a sense of divine balance and we realize
that our unconditional yes was how we aligned ourselves
to it.'

i found her

something soooo sooo sooooo darn cool happened
this weekend.

my guy recently bought himself some land.
like, real recently.
that in itself is pretty exciting, but it's his
news and i swear i really do try to give him some
privacy here and there in this blog.
but ya know.......some things just need to be part of
the story.

he had walked it several times before i walked
it with him. and he mentioned a tree he wanted me
to 'meet.'

when we walked the land together, we took a
different turn or something and i never saw the
tree he was talking about. i wasn't worried, knew
i'd see it sooner or later and saw some other trees
i really loved. i didn't give it any more thought.

since then, i've had my white tree visual. and since
that visual, i have been looking for my tree that
will feel like my white tree. i knew there had to be
one out there.

i've walked by the river with josh looking, i've
driven here and there and always looked along the roads
for it. i've looked on my walks. figured i may be looking
a life time, but knew i'd find it one day.

so yeah. you see where this is going.

this weekend we took the guys to go see the land.
i fell back with noah and zakk and let bob and josh go
wander. figured it'd do 'em both some good and so i goofed
off on a log with the guys and we took pictures and such.

bob and josh doubled back and bob mentioned that tree he
wanted me to meet. he had just shown it to josh.
'let's go find it' i said.
and being the good sport that he is, bob turned right back
around and off we went.

at first glance, i knew it was a goddess tree.
i blurted out 'it's all lumpy like a woman! look it's
a goddess!' and then as i got closer, i just stopped.
i layed down flat on my back in the leaves and just
looked up at it. my breath was taken away.

i heard bob say 'well, i thought she'd like it, but i never
expected this!'

and i knew i had found my tree.
i found her.

and she's a goddess.

okay.
seriously, i don't know how to describe this without sounding
like a luney tune....but i felt like i was in the presence of
a goddess.

i've never felt that like this before. and i wanted to run
and wrap myself in her.

i had never thought of what it'd feel like to really be in the
presence of a god or goddess....what i would want to do. i guess
i just figured i'd kneel down or something. i never once thought
i'd want to be scooped up in love. but that's how i felt.
and i wanted to scoop her back and hold her in love.

i walked up to her and touched her.
wrapped my arms around her.

i found you, i thought.
i found you.

i tried to take some pictures of her. but how? she's so big.
i didn't realize til i looked at this picture here that
she has the two main arms reaching up. i just love that.

and this part......bob. it was bob who found her. and he kept
saying 'i have a tree i want you to meet.'
this is bob.
he doesn't meet trees.
but he knew i would.

bob introduced me to my white tree.
and guess what???
it's a WHITE oak.
no kidding.
no kidding at all.

and it really has been bob who's been holding my hand the
whole time leading me to self love and finding my belief in
myself....and to a place where i could believe i even had
a white tree inside of me.

the whole thing overwhelms me.
and i can still feel the trembling inside from meeting
my tree.....

stepping back in...

it was a day of love and compassion.
of realizing the value of family and friends.

starting in the morning.
with a note where his last line said he was in a dark place.
'want to meet up?' i asked.
half an hour later i was sitting at a table with him.
wanting to tell him a thousand things i knew he couldn't hear,
i opted to asking a whole lotta questions hoping to make
him think.

his dad arrived just a little bit later, sat down and
joined right in.
when his dad started talking about how important gratitude
was in his own life, i looked over and just soaked him in.
he was talking straight forward,linear, guyish, but what he was
saying made me smile and reminded me of one of the many
reasons i loved him. he also understood the magic of gratitude.

his son's brain filled to maximum capacity and he had to go
and 'think about it all.'
leaving just the two of us for a few minutes to finish up
and acknowledging we just gave up the time we had for ourselves
that day. hugging each other goodbye, i headed off to meet
the girls.

my friend was having a hard time. a really hard time. she
didn't want to talk about. so, of course, we talked about it.
she cried. head in her hands at times. my other friend had her
hand out touching her. across the table, i sat and held her
with my eyes. gently we talked. gently we loved each other.

hopping in the car, i ran home to see josh and find out how
he was before he headed out for a music gig. a quick catch up,
a hug at the door, and out he went. calling in later from the
metro, he reported a car problem.

'don't worry, if you need it we'll come pick you up later.'
i told him without hesitation. it'd be when we were asleep
and he knew it. but there was no complaint. we'd be there.
of course. he was covered. i could hear the relief in his voice
and the appreciation of what we had. i hung up knowing it too.

in the kitchen cooking dinner with noah and zakk, we bumped
into each other, reached around each other and commented on
how it felt like we were gourmets. much to my delight as we
were just making veggie wraps!

sitting down to eat it and appreciate it as if it were the
dinner of kings.

i thought hard of how i wanted to re-enter the blogging after
the silence for the tsunami victims.

i wanted to re-enter with love, compassion and gratitude.
i keep trying to think what it would be like to have your
world washed away. i keep holding those people in my hearts.
i'm here still living in my world. i want to know what it is
i have.

yesterday, with each thing going on, i honestly did think
of the tsunami. it was on my mind as i watched the love
everywhere i turned.

holding what i have and feeling very grateful.
holding what's been lost and feeling much compassion.

stringing buttons

of all things to do......

i found myself stringing buttons tonite.

huh???

i had got this pack of brightly colored plastic buttons.
like something you'd get for a kids craft project.
don't ask me why.
i just liked them.

i had plans for tonite that didn't work out.
and i was okay with that.
the idea of sitting quietly appealed to me.

the news of the tsunami has been overwhelming.

i lit a candle and sat down on the couch and started putting
button after button on my a string. with each button i thought
of a life that was lost today. i didn't have nearly enough
buttons. and i knew that. slowly, i placed a button on the string
and thought of today.

the buttons seemed too bright and happy for what i was thinking.
and it occurred to me that life was like that.
bright and happy and bleak and miserable.
it was everything.

quietly, alone, i strung the buttons, glancing at the candle
and holding the world in my heart.

i am truly overwhelmed at the loss the world suffered today.

the way i'm choosing to honor it is to hold some silence for just a bit.

i feel i need to.
the only words i want to speak now are to tell people how much
they matter to me. how much i care about them.

please hold that in your heart for me.
it matters to me.

and for this weekend, i leave you in a silence honoring the loss
of today.

women

i'm privileged in my work that i get to watch women grow.
i get to see them at all the different stages of the journey.
the ones who are further down the road from me guide me and
help me on my own path. the ones who've just stepped up to
the plate remind me of where i've been, and help me to remember
things i need to remember.

it's quite an honor.
quite a perk to the job.

in conversing with one of these women today, i tried to
gently nudge her in the direction of compassion for herself.

man, i certainly need nudging and reminding of that myself
all the time! and in hearing her pain, i saw how important it
was. and i saw how hard it is for us to give ourselves.

but we get better. and better. and stronger. and when we forget,
there's a circle of women right there to remind us.

and as i sat and thought of all this today,
i was brought to tears by the sheer beauty of a woman waking up.

it truly is like watching her give birth to herself.
with labor pains and contractions that rip at her very core.
and if i didn't know where it was taking her, and what she'd
get in the end, i'd worry.

but i do know.
and i smile.
sometimes i cry.

and today, i bow down to one of the most beautiful things in
the world....a woman waking up.

there are gifts to this life that defy words.
i feel that my being able to watch this over and over is
one of those things.

women are miracles.
bowing to those miracles....

a cool moment

the coolest thing happened yesterday.

it's not unusual for someone to think they're taking one of
our quote of the day emails and forwarding it to someone they
know with their own personal note on it. and then by accident,
they hit the wrong button, and i get the note.

i just answer them and let them know so they can send it where
they wanted to originally send it. i usually catch it before
i hit anything i feel is too personal and just stop reading.

yesterday this happened. only the note was one or two sentences.
and i had read the whole thing before i realized it wasn't for me.
and very untypically....it was from a HE to a she.

i was overwhelmed with feeling like i landed where i shouldn't have,
timidly let him know and then actually walked away from the computer
as i felt like i had totally invaded his privacy. walking away
was like leaving the room.

i went up to light the pellet stove in my living room.
i was cleaning out the ashes when i started to think about what
he had written. it wasn't a very gentle note. and it certainly
wasn't going to help his cause. i knew how i'd react to a note like
that.

and then i got to thinking about 'men.'

okay. i need to be clear here. i don't include bob in that category.
and that makes me laugh. as he's pretty male. but he wasn't in this
group in my mind. this group included a lot of men that i had met/known
that just drove me nuts. the thick headed, self centered, have all
the right words mixed in with all the selfish actions men.
THOSE MEN.

and i got to asking quite loudly inside myself:
'what IS their problem?!"
'don't they KNOW what it is they do???'

and i got to thinking i should write a letter to all the stupid
men in the world.

i kid you not, i was gettin' riled up as i cleaned up those ashes.
obviously, this guy hit a button.

when i got back to my computer, there was a note from the very same guy.

he was so glad he had sent it to me by accident as when he got it
returned he could see that it sounded hurt and angry and he wasn't
going to send it.

i melted.

i wrote him back.
told him i thought that was a good choice.
and of course, told him the importance of hearing her and seeing her.

a small exchange went back and forth between us.
and he actually sounded like a good guy.

i eased up on the men everywhere feeling.

in fact....i saw my hot headed reaction a lot like the reaction one
of those very same men that i was angry about would have.
it was one of complete knowing and plowing thru like a darn bull
or something.

how funny, i thought.

i was one of THOSE GUYS there for a few minutes.
it's a pretty funny visual for me.

and i got to thinking about the kind notes i exchanged with this guy
and how in that kindness a conversation could take place.

everyone gets hurt and angry.
and we're all operating from where we are.

i have to remember that.
i so have to remember that.

wealth

so after this morning's funky beginning
(see post below)
i had a business meeting with the guys.
got psyched and reignited for the five million
things i have goin' on that i need to be workin'
on.

the number of hours in my day can be a problem
at times. sometimes i just need them doubled.

shutting down all distractions, i dived in.
trying to double the value of each hour i got.
i was feelin' better and better.

an inspiration had hit and i got yet another
project to work on! the energy was coming back.

as i was coming up for air, i got a call from
someone who makes me belly laugh. he's my cousin
and one of my favorite people ever.

when he calls i worry.
i figure a family member died.
once we get past that worry, we're okay.
altho, when he started with he had good news and
bad news.....i wasn't real comfortable.

once we got past that, and determined it was
mostly good news......the laughing began.

i don't know what it is but there's no one on earth
i laugh with like i do with him. well, with him and his
wife too. they just get me goin' and pretty soon it's
over and i'm laughin' as loud as a horse or something.

it's laughter that i just don't get in other places.
the fact that we share a lot of family craziness has got
to help. we know all the players and all the inside jokes
and there's just some comic relief in that in itself.

after i hung up, i found myself still laughing.

the laughter has quieted down, but the smile is stuck
on my face.

how cool is that?!
to have someone in your life who lifts your spirits like
that.

i sit here and shake my head and think of the financial funk
of this morning.
WHY do you do that, ter???

the riches surround me......the laughter of my cousin is
so definitely one of those riches.

and i have piles and piles of riches.

when will i ever just keep that knowing and not fret so much???

one day at a time.
compassion for when i slip.
and refocusing on the riches over and over and over.

feeling wealthy......

such is life

i sent out a newsletter yesterday and at the bottom
mentioned that i'm in the doldrums now.
it's that time of year.
shop sales are about at a stand still, and about
all that gets you thru is some kinda panic or faith.
and it's hard to find that energy to keep on movin'
forward. which is tough because now is the time you
have to work harder than ever.

it's a mind game for sure.

and it happens every year.
each year i think i'm ready for it.
and each year i find i'm not as ready as i thought.

you don't want to go whining about it everywhere
you turn...so you try to suck it up.
but it leaks out your nerves.

this morning i got up discouraged about it all.
didn't sleep well, and just discouraged. i found
myself agitated about something small and knew that
i needed a little treadmill time.

i tell ya, that thing is like therapy for me.
in fact, i just decided i needed to give it a name,
as if it was my therapist! doctor something....
doctor tread. doctor mill. something like that.......

same music list as yesterday.
and whereas yesterday i was singing to my demons and
knowing i was moving on in my heart like i needed to,
today i was singing to my workin' self.

no one's gonna do this for ya, ter.
it's up to you.

and this determination started coming over me.
it's so easy to lose focus.

i'm watchin' that with someone close to me.
i shake my head knowing there's nothing i can do for
them. that focus is really something up to the person
doin' it. you can't tell them. they have to feel it.

i thought about that.
okay, i thought, as i visited with ol' doc mill...
this one's mine.

it's like this time of year is an exercise of will.
it's truly about muscle and hangin' in there.

i can't just wimp out.

and so legs wobblin' with fatigue, i walked away
from my therapy with a sweaty smile on my face.

okay.
i just keep stepping back in as many times as it takes.
such is life.

lint

so i thought our dryer was done for.
kaput.
i'd need a new one.

not good news for this time of year for me.

noah had checked one area for lint, thinking maybe
it was overheating and stopping. it seemed fine.

then purely by luck (???) i was sittin' on my
back porch goofin' off and i looked over at the dryer
vent.

hey........
hey............
hey....................

that's a lotta lint there.

and so the lint saga began.
i went right over to that vent and cleaned the
lint out with a vengeance.
i put my arm up the vent as far as i could reach.
i cleaned that sucker out with great delight.

then got carried away and dug in as best i could here
and there without pulling the whole dryer apart.

with each gunk of lint, i was thrilled beyond belief!

and lo and behold the dryer worked better........
better.
but not quite right yet.

okay.
it was settled.
there was hope for this thing yet.
but we had to take the dryer apart.
the guys were great.
we all landed and the disassembly began.
i gasped a lot.
'you're gonna what???'
'do you REALLY need to take THAT off???'

'mom. you gotta get okay with taking things apart.
you gotta know it's okay.'

'well, yeah, but i watched your dad...and he wasn't
real big on putting things back together.'

they laughed.
no worries, mom.

so there it was....apart.

'remember yellow goes near the furnace' noah said to me
as he unhooked a yellow wire.

yellow. furnace.
yellow. hot.
yellow flame.
i repeated this to myself seriously.

noah turned into the teacher.

'so mom, how does this work? what's this for?'

and so began my lesson in dryers 1o1.

we found a ton more lint. stuff that would really make
a difference.

i suddenly felt so grateful we all hadn't burned alive
from a dryer fire!!!

putting it back together, i crouched behind the dryer with
noah and watched him tighten the belt back up with the coolest
little doohickey thing.

'how on earth do you know all this stuff???' i asked him.

seriously...how do THEY know how a dryer works????

and then i remembered.....they grew up with the 'living
is learning' philosophy. it really worked.

and now they're teaching me.

i'm about to go try the dryer out now......
never before has a load of laundry been so exciting.
and never before has lint thrilled me like it has thru
my dryer saga here.

there was empowerment in that lint for me......
empowerment and learning.
and a few sneezes.

a dark red moment

so i was offered a challenge.

a real challenge.

something hard.
really hard for me.
so hard, in fact, that i 'stepped out' of myself
for a bit.

what does that mean???

i don't know.

i just know when i hit certain things that feel
traumatic to me, i kinda feel 'beside' myself - literally.
like i check out and i'm operating from right next to me.
like i can be amazingly calm when i need to.
laugh at stuff, cook, have normal conversations,
all the while feeling completely like i left the building.

i thought just dealing with what knocked me there was the challenge.

silly girl.

the real challenge came when i was approached with another's
pain. the very person who knocked me outta my self to begin with.

when i saw their pain.
and i had to choose to offer real compassion or to keep holding
my hurt which i really really didn't want to let go of.

holding it meant to me that i could protect myself.
don't ask me to put that down.

don't even ask.

i wasn't asked.

i was just presented with this pain.
and left alone.

doing dishes, i marveled at the whole thing.
i talk a great story about wanting to be love.
oh, i can sit and tell you how much i want it.
i can sit and tell you how much i've worked at it.
but can i sit and tell you i met the challenges
that were really gonna move me along?

i didn't have the logical understanding of what was
going on, but i had a knowing as i did those dishes.
i knew that if i could put my hurt down and hold the other
in compassion, that i would be touching mystical stuff.

i knew that.

cause this is related to my trauma.
and i knew the power involved.

but i wasn't gonna do it.

i was choosing not to do it.

and then something totally unexpected happened.

as i whoosed the sponge around the dish, little terri stepped
right up and said just as easily and happily as if we were
going jump roping 'let's do it.'

that's it.

just 'let's do it.'

and she let go of everything else.

all the pain, hurt, trauma feelings, tears, ache....
gone.

let's just go love.

huh????

i stopped swooshing the sponge. stood there.
stammered to myself....but...um...wait...what about...um...
what about????

she was gone.
she was done.

if i was gonna follow the time was then.

i followed.

i knew i couldn't do it on my own.
and so i followed her.
she needs to lead me.
and she will.

this morning on the treadmill, i had a new music list.
as i did my thing i listened to that music...
songs that normally i would listen to with the attitude
of looking at people who've hurt me and just saying 'eat my dust.'
songs i'd listen to with the attitude of looking outward.
well that changed.

not this morning.
this morning every single song was speaking to my demons.
every single lyric was being sung to them.

and i was defying them. they weren't gonna hold me back.
they weren't gonna win.

i never worked so hard on that treadmill in my life.

i'm touching the dark red love stuff right now.
the real stuff.
and i figured this out........
it doesn't stop for the demons inside of you.
it goes past them.

i know this is only a moment in a long long journey.
but this is the first moment i've ever won quite like this.
yes...'won'....cause i won something over my demons this time.

and this time...for this moment.....they aren't holding me back.

the forum...

i wasn't sure i should announce our forum here....
but i tell ya, i just finished reading the most moving post
over there.

so here i go.....

zakk, my brilliant son, insisted that bone sigh arts needed
a forum. i dragged my heels for a long time on this, and
finally agreed.

i think he just added so much to our community that i'll
never be able to thank him.

if you want to go be a part of it, please come on over.
the post i just read that moved me so much was by bonnie
over in the discussion called 'grief.'

please, if you have anything to share, or add to the
community, we'd love to have you.

here's the link

and zakk...i owe ya, bud......

love stuff

i just added this book to my little book widget -
'i will not die an unlived life.'
it's one of my favorites.

it's so funny cause as i did that i saw another
dawna markova book i gotta read!!! there's just no
end to really good books.

a friend recently returned this book to me. as i flipped
thru it this morning to things i underlined, these three
passages stood out for me.....

'crisis can force us deep enough to find out who we really are
and what we truly love, and it is here, where there are no
masks, no one else's values or beliefs, that passion lives.'


'...But the awareness of how the soul's great capacity for love,
the love that had been leaking out of my life for so long
was excruciating. to know how incomplete my loving had been
was agonizing - how i had limited it with all my stories that
loving was a thing, a commodity i could 'give' or not, had earned
or not.'


'kurt wright, a consultant, said that the purpose of life 'is
to learn to love, to discover just how much of god's love
each of us can allow to flow through with no interference on our
part.'


love.
learning how to love.
sometimes i just don't know if i'll ever get it down....
you start with yourself and go on from there.
i think.

and so i am starting with myself once again today......

a melt down...

yesterday morning i had a melt down.
it was brewing for days.
and it finally landed.

i had decided i wanted to go see a movie on my own.
i was 'off' and just wanted to get away a bit.
it was a morning showing. the theater was a few towns
over. i've been there plenty of times, but never drove
and never paid attention to how to get there!

sure enough, i missed the exit and got so incredibly lost.

i mean i got way way way lost.

at first i thought i could wind my way back and maybe
catch the movie...then when i figured that wasn't gonna
happen, i figured i'd just wind my way home.
hmmmm....then it came to a point i wondered if that would
ever happen. i couldn't find one thing that made sense to me.
couldn't find one road i knew what to do with.

it was raining hard and i hadn't a clue where i was.
i was crying, it was raining, and the meltdown had begun.
i knew it and settled into the car.
maybe this was the best place for me.

the gist of the meltdown was my life changing.
my relationship with my sons changing, trying to figure
out the healthiest way to live together, work together,
and step out of their way and let them go all at the same
time. my stepping into a life with bob which is getting
closer and closer and more and more real. and my wondering
if i ever had any independence and was i ready to lose it
again??? and thru all that i'd say to myself 'and you can't
even find the movie theater!!'

the movie theater became my symbol for independence.
obviously, i could do nothing right was my feeling.
i couldn't even find that.
obviously i was never independent because an independent
person can find a movie theater.

it became the symbol for all i was feeling i had never achieved.

i eventually made it home.
talked to the guys about things i felt we needed to talk about.
couldn't have gone better.

but when bob asked me this morning how i was and i answered 'mostly good.'
he laughed and said 'is that good except the parts that feel really lousy??'
um...yeah.

so there he was, not missing a beat asking 'did you address the independence
with yourself?' sometimes he's just so dead on right so fast that it stuns me.

um...no.
'well, that might be a good idea' he gently nudged.

so i walked.
and i thought of what i had done. the ending my marriage, the starting
my business, the complete lack of any support or safety net. the raising
the boys, the schooling the boys...i thought of it.....and i held it.
and i thought about how i tried to totally dismiss that and make the movie
theater thing the reality.

how i was trying to choose something that didn't matter and let that
over ride so many things that did matter.

not cool.
not healthy.
not right.

and i thought of my bone sigh....

'the power lie in the seeing.
until she could see herself
with her own eyes,
she would not regain her power.'

i smiled.
and i saw myself.
i really did.

i really did.
i understood about seeing myself.
i understood how important that was in a way i have never understood before.

i came home, changed, and went over to my dresser.
laying there is a beautiful necklace i received as a gift.
beautiful silver necklace with a white tree on it. means the world to me.
i put the necklace on thinking about my white tree.
and growing it.

there was no room for that movie theater garbage i was handing
myself....if it's gonna grow, i have to look at what's real
and i have to hold it.

holding the tree on my necklace, i closed my eyes and held all that
i had done these past ten years. getting lost on the way to the movie
theater may be something that never changes with me...and i'm okay
with that. no big deal. i know i can do anything i have to.

and i will.

and i think i needed to hold that before i could move forward.

knowing we're competent and knowing we're strong...
really really knowing it.
and knowing we're ready for the changes life is bringing
and embracing the beauty of those changes...

i think that matters.
and i think that grows those trees of ours.