a special day....

i want to post all about him.
my way of honoring him.
but i don't think he likes that
kinda thing....

so i think maybe i won't.

i'll just leave it at it's a really
special day today...one of the coolest
people on the planet came down to earth
and stepped in.

i knew right away that he was special.
no kidding.
not making that up.

i'm gonna hold that today.
all day.
and honor him.......

controlled crazed

a weird morning....
starting out with no heat whatsoever.

i've been overloaded, overwhelmed, and
overdone....

this seemed to add to the craze inside
me. there's something about not having
heat that makes me feel like a failure.
i feel like i can't even provide heat
for my family. no kidding. it's so weird.

it's not true.
not the case.
it's just some weirdness i carry.

but as the morning progressed,
and things were looking bad for our
pellet stove...i don't know...i really
started to calm down.

it was weird.
instead of getting worse, i got better.

we can work it out, i told myself.
yo was tinkerin' on the pellet stove.
(the furnace is another story)....

bob was here consulting with yo about
what was up with it all.

i was painting a happy birthday sign
for zakk who was still asleep.

bob knew how uptight i've been about
time lately. he spent a good part of
the evening before calming me down
and reminding me to trust. he turned to
me and joked, knowing i was prolly a
crazed mess inside.

thing was......it all had hit a bubbling point
or something...boiling point?

the overwhelm kinda flowed out and i just
said ya know what? forget it. i'll do what
i have to do and i'll get done what i have
to get done.

i had hit desperation, i guess.

and maybe there's something good about
desperation.
bone sighs was built on it!!!

maybe you hit a point and you just gotta
know you can do whatever it takes to pull
off whatever you gotta pull off.

and then things turn.
and you're in control again.

the craze is still kinda there....but it's
a controlled craze.
i'm gonna make it work for me....

it feels kinda good.

controlled craze.

that's me right now.

something clicked....

so i had a thought.
so deep in my bones it hit that i really
wanted to just weep.
i settled for crying a little and
curling in under my blankets and holding
it in my heart.

it wasn't just words.
it wasn't just thoughts.
it wasn't just understanding something.

it was 'getting it' deep deep inside me.

i have that bone sigh i throw out a lot:
"she didn't just survive, she became.'

she became what?
we all assume we know what.
all those things we want to become......
strong, and wise, and all that stuff
that we know that we'd fill that in
with.

and those women who 'become' inspire
me, and remind me to keep going. they
are the lights in my life.

but what about those women who DON'T
become.

what happens to the ones who survive
but don't become????

oh they become many things....
sisters, aunts, mothers,co-workers,
bosses...they become all kindsa things...
but not what we mean by that bone sigh
above.

what about them??
and the feeling OVERWHELMED me.

do they not deserve...have they not earned
...our compassion and love?

if we walked in their shoes and did not
'become' either -

then what is it we would need???

these thoughts and questions filled me
so completely i cried.

certain women came to mind.
the frustration, anger, and coldness i can
have towards them filled my mind.

is that what they need?

i cried.

and something clicked inside me.
deeply deeply clicked.
and my heart opened a little wider last nite.

men

it was a heart to heart conversation between
me and him.
wasn't planned. i wasn't tryin' to be
birthday smaltzy and 'talk' with him...
it just happened.

and i'll never forget it.

i had gotten a nice note from a friend
congratulating me on raising three good
men.

that's right, i thought....they REALLY
ARE three men now. and i smiled at the
thought behind the note...

but you know.......it's a number.
eighteen. he's still my kid.

and then we had this talk.
and as i walked away, i thought of the
man thing.

it's not just a number.
he's really really a young man now.
he was everything i could have wished
him to be in that conversation.

i forget.
i think he's my kid.

not so.

i'm toasting this young man, this morning.
all weekend in fact....yeah...yeah...
prolly my whole darn life....

his actual birthday is tomorrow.
i think at some point i gotta take some time
to sit back and think about these three men
who are now more the world's men than mine.

how totally awesome is that?
the world sure could use these guys!
i sure do love them....

mightily blessed...

it's birthday weekend here again in the house....
we're comin' up on zakk's EIGHTEENTH birthday!
tell me how that happened......
jeesh.

and so there will be major celebrating the
next few days.....

tomorrow i should be quiet as i'll be too
busy gearin' up for it all......

as i paused here,i looked up on the wall
right behind my computer...pictures of the
kids all over it....zakk as a little guy.
never knowing he was a little guy.
always thinking he was as big as his brothers.

what a kid.
what a young man.

what an absolute gift to celebrate with
these goons this weekend.....

i have been mightily blessed......
toasting zakkie bean!

another poem...

another hafiz for you....

If It Is Not Too Dark

Go for a walk, if it is not too dark.
Get some fresh air, try to smile.
Say something kind
To a safe-looking stranger, if one happens by.

Always exercise your heart's knowing.

You might as well attempt something real
Along this path:

Take your spouse or lover into your arms
The way you did when you first met.
Let tenderness pour from your eyes
The way the Sun gazes warmly on the earth.

Play a game with some children.
Extend yourself to a friend.
Sing a few ribald songs to your pets and plants -
Why not let them get drunk and wild!

Let's toast
Every rung we've climbed on Evolution's ladder.
Whisper, "I love you! I love you!"
To the whole mad world.

Let's stop reading about God-
We will never understand Him.

Jump to your feet, wave your fists,
Threaten and warn the whole Universe

That your heart can no longer live
Without real love!

pondering

there was a day, years ago, that affected me
profoundly. i think over all these zillions
of blogs, i musta written about it before.

it was a day where i was completely stretched
to my limits. bob was in the hospital and i
thought he was dying. i was trying to cope,
be there for him, handle my life around the
edges there and deal with his completely
self centered and insensitive sons. it was
a lot for me. and stretched me so far that
i think it actually pulled me into a different
place.

thru that day, over and over, i reacted all
around me with incredible kindness.

i say 'incredible' because i think i am usually
kind. this day i was in a different zone.
and without any effort at all, i was beyond
my usual kindness....and had moved into something
incredible.

i hadn't tried.
so it's not any kinda bragging here.
i can't take credit for it.
it just happened.
i can't say it's natural.
i think it took a crisis to totally push me there.
and i'm not sure why i went there.
but i did.

and as the day progressed, i noticed it.
because it was as if tiny miracle after tiny miracle
were happening all around me. in reaction to it.

i was stunned.
none of it was an effort.
i don't know how to explain it....
but it all just happened without me being aware
that i was doing it.

i called bob's son wanting to skin that kid alive,
and as the phone rang, something musta shifted,
cause i heard myself with him, and i was kind.
really kind.
i had gone from wanting to kill him, to being
incredibly loving towards him.

things like that.

but MANY things like that ALL day.

i have no explanation for what was goin' on inside
me that day. but that nite, driving home, i was
overwhelmed with what had happened all around me.

i wrote a bone sigh about it called 'kindness.'

'understanding now that this was the way
to open her heart,
she dropped to her knees and opened herself
to its presence.'

i felt i had touched a little chunk of god that day.

it's years later now....and i've forgotten that
commitment i had made back on that nite.
i have forgotten that feeling of dropping to
my knees.

oh yeah, i'm nice. kind even.
but i was different that day.
and have never been that way again since.

i was thinking of that yesterday when i saw the
quote. i was thinking how that slipped right thru
me.

this morning, our quote of the day reminded me that
more than one profound insight has slipped away.

another profound moment, where i knew i was more
than what met the eye here. i knew that i (and
everyone) had come from the stars.

i was filled with this feeling....
and wrote this:

'she had brought it with her from the stars.
and after she spread some of its Light,
she would bring it back.
because now she knew.'

i read that this morning and remembered being
filled with that feeling.

a feeling i've also let slide on thru.

i know that i get thoughts, get excited about
them, forget them, and then get them again in
a different form, get all excited again, and
on and on it goes.

i know that.
and i'm fairly okay with that.

but this morning thinking of these profound
moments and the feelings inside....and then
letting that slip away.

i'm not sure i'm okay with that.

i guess i need to be.
i guess.

i don't know.
it's on my mind.
and so i offer it.

is there a reason we don't hold on to these
things? or do we need to just pay more attention?

i'm thinking pay more attention seems like it
may very well be the answer.

but i just don't know.

tweakin' emerson....

so i took an emerson quote that was in this
book and i tweaked it a bit.

um.
that's prolly not okay.

no one tweaks an emerson quote!!!!

but here's the deal.......
the quote is:
'No one suspects the days to be Gods.'

i loved that when i read it.
it made me think of my morning walks.

so i put in sunrise for days cause i
haven't quite got down the whole day
yet.

then instead of a plural thing with gods...
i got god.

so i got:
no one suspects the sunrise to be god.

thing is...
i think everyone really kinda already does
suspect that.

i do.

so it was kinda a tweak that didn't work
for anyone but me.....

i thought of that this morning as i
walked.

it was kinda cool.

thank you, mister emerson!

a cool quote....

here's something cool i read in this new book
of mine last nite....

'though the human body is born complete in
one moment, the birth of the human heart is
an ongoing process. it is being birthed in
every experience of your life. everything
that happens to you has the potential to
deepen you. it brings to birth within you
new territories of the heart.'

thought that was really cool.
that's from 'anam cara' by john o'donohue.

thanks for that one, mister o'donohue!

tears and laughter

there were a couple really weird moments
with friends yesterday...that in the end,
made me laugh and appreciate them so much.

i hung up with a guy friend yesterday
in tears. the poor guy....he meant well
...he just so innocently sent me over the
edge. an edge i had been on all day.

he knew i was blue, and i think he was
tryin' to make things better.
um.
he missed the mark.
and he knew it as i choked back
tears and said i needed to go.

i actually sat up in the kitchen
after that tellin' the boys the
story and laughing. we kept groaning
and feelin' compassion for my poor
friend who is prolly still tryin'
to figure out just exactly what happened.

i was doin' numbers later and tryin'
to get a grip on myself when i just put
my head down on my desk and thought
'i feel lousy.'

i picked my head up and kept goin'
and found myself laughing about that
with a girlfriend having a similar day.

the whole visual of me just clunking my
head against the desk actually got me
laughin' pretty hard.

the tears come so easily.
but so does the laughter.

i need them both so much.
but what really makes it all so cool
is the friends i have that are totally
okay with both and mix them together with
me in this beautiful mess of life we
share together. even my sons are gettin'
the mix down really well.

tears and laughter.....what a mix.

a poem for a rough day...

it hasn't been the best day in the world.
not the worst. but not the best.
a few friends have come thru who are
having similar days...

i JUST opened up a new book that was
recommended to me. i haven't gotten past
the DEDICATION!!

there's a poem here i want to offer up
for my girlfriends who came thru today,
and for myself as well....

i loved this.

i guess it's by the author of the book,
john o'donohue, the book is called 'anam cara'


on the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

and when your eyes
freeze behind
the gray window
and the ghost of loss
gets in you,
may a flock of colors,
indigo, red, green
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

when the canvas frays
in the curach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

may the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

and so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

appreciation

he looked a little bit uptight when he
first got here....but i ignored that
and whisked him down to my furnace room
with great delight that he had arrived.

i told him that i didn't want him to get
all dirty, but i hadn't vacuumed in there
because i wanted him to see the soot!
'i figured you'd want to see it. but then
i'll clean it up for you.' i told him.

oh no, he said, he'd vacuum it.
i pointed to my vacuum i had right there.
i don't mind at all, i said.
no, he had it.

i told him it all looked way scary to me
and i was so glad he was there.

as he was heading back to his truck for
tools, he assured me he had it under
control.

he looked way way more relaxed.

i went into my studio to stay out of his
way and i thought of something my neighbor
had told me. he had worked doin' fix up
stuff for a wealthy neighborhood and he
had gotten treated pretty cruddy more times
than not.

he's the nicest guy in the world and wouldn't
do anything to cause that treatment. but the
whole 'fix it guy' thing seemed to be a pass
for people to be rude.

now.
this is HARDLY a wealthy neighborhood.
and one step into my house and you know
it's not the lifestyles of the rich and
famous.
so it's hardly like i'd be pretentious.

but as i thought of what my neighbor had
said, i thought of this guy that had come
in and how his demeanor had changed when
i started chatting with him.

he called me over to tell me what was up
and ask me to turn up the thermostat.
i started chatting with him.
he got out some kinda funky gauge and was
checkin' things out.

'you look like a doctor.' i told him.

by the time he left, he was smiling a lot
and laughing with me.

i thanked him, told him he was my furnace
doctor and i sooooo appreciated him.

he was an entirely different guy leaving
here.

as i closed the door behind him, i thought
my gosh.....just appreciating someone matters
so darn much.

just being appreciated.

we all need that.
we all need to give it as well......

allowing your emotions

it was a gorgeous morning....
and it was lost on me.
i wore my hood for half the walk.
not payin' much attention.

woe.
i noticed.

and realized i was feelin' something.

okay, what?

discouraged.

yep.
discouraged.

i took my hood off and looked at the
sky. it's gorgeous. and i knew it.
but it wasn't fillin' me up like
it usually does.

i watched that inside of me.
do you close a door inside you when
you're discouraged? or does it take
energy away? prolly both.

do i try to change this mood?
i have so much to do today.
and it's gonna take energy.

do you actively work to change your
mood or do you accept where you're at?

i came up with 'balance it.'
allow it to be, but don't wallow in it.

allow it to be, and allow it to leave
when it's time for it to leave.
don't hang on to it, don't encourage it,
just allow it....

i'm gonna try to do that.....

it's a whole art i'm just beginning to
notice - the art of allowing your
emotions.

i'm not real good at it yet.

hate

i just got a comment on my last blog post
that was....well....hateful.

interesting too as this person has their
own blog with the word 'hate' in the title.
which is totally appropriate as the blog
is so incredibly filled with hatred.

in my mind he's a he.
but i don't know...maybe a she.
but prolly a he as he didn't like my hat.
and i think any she would dig the hat.

and funny, i think of hate filled people more
as he's than she's. but that's not really fair
is it?

i was busy and happy and up popped a comment.
and i actually kinda leaned back and went
wow.
that's mean.

and then i went to 'his' blog...and was amazed.

i considered posting 'his' comment because fair
is fair. he didn't like what he read and he
let me know.

i think it was the hat comment that decided it
for me.

you may not like my writing....but don't dis
my hat. i deleted his comment without posting it.

truthfully, amazingly enough, i had been thinking
earlier today how incredibly important it is to
spread support for each other.
how much it mattered to let others know they
mattered.

yes, to spread the love.

and then i saw hate pop into my box.

wow.

i'm votin' for love.
spread some today......

just for laughs

i walked into my studio last nite and
saw my life preserver hangin' there.

a good good good friend had sent that
to me as a joke...to keep me afloat
when i was struggling.

little did she know i immediately
decided to put it on whenever i felt
i couldn't cope! so it hangs in my
studio ready for when i need it!

she's rarely on face book as her computer
is too slow....but when she goes to
visit her dying father, she has access
to a faster computer.

she's there today.
and i know she'll be on.
and i know she's struggling about as
much as you can struggle.
tryin' to be there for her parents
and coping with all that that includes.

i wanted to make her laugh.
and as i walked into the studio last
nite, i remembered! i need a fun picture
for mustache monday on face book!
and i need to make her laugh!

i had a mission!

so i grabbed the life preserver,
the goofy glasses next to them (which i
believe i got while out on an excursion
with her one day!) and my hat that josh
had just found in his car!

it was so easy.
all my accessories right at my fingertips.
oh! with of course, my diamond ring that
was on my desk....

i put everything on and walked up to
yo's office. 'yo yo....will you take a
mustache monday picture for me?'

he was facing his 'puter.

he turned around.
looked at me
and then leaned way back in surprise.
and then he laughed.

'do you feel the least bit strange in that?'
he asked.

oh no.
i feel fun.
and i grinned at him.

i sent this picture to bob as he's not on
facebook much either.....
after saying he was speechless, he caught
his breath and said it was my 'safe picture'
he figures any guy who sees this really won't
be the least bit attracted, and he's glad i'm
putting it up there!

laughin.

i have to disagree......
i think this picture is one of my best!
and i wanted to share here too!

and if i was a guy.......
and i saw a woman like this
well....it would snag my heart!
laughin' again.

okay....maybe not......
but it sure is fun!!!

that icky feeling

mary left a comment yesterday that i have been
holding ever since i read it.

since everyone can read it anyway, i thought i'd
clip most of it right here.
because......i bet ya every single reader here
has felt this......
i don't know....but i know i have.....
and it's one heck of a tough thing to feel.

here it is:
this week I've felt the heaviness of not
being known. People say they love me but
don't have a clue how I work/who I am.
Then when I try to tell them I get sucked
into feeling less than/defending myself
and turning into who I think they want me to be.

sound familiar?
if not, consider yourself blessed!!!

i have been holdin' that and turnin' it over in
my hands since i read it....
cause i so know that feeling.
here's some thoughts on my own journey with that....

something i've noticed with the different
times i've felt that....

with some people it's totally valid.
the REALLY don't get me.
won't ever get me.
may say they get me or say they want
to get me.....but won't ever really go there.
and then tell me they love me.

not a question about it, that feeling
i get is based on truth. and with those
people i've created a little space between
me and them. because i had to.

i don't EXPECT them to get me anymore.
and their 'i love you's' only go see
deep inside of me.

but with my partner....
when i get that feeling about him...
ohhhhh that's such a miserable feeling.
i have to really sit myself down and remember
what it is we share. and when i do that,
i have to know it's not true.
because it's not.
he really really does see me.

we live apart. some days we may talk only
ten minutes to each other. we usually go
a few days before we meet up again, and
sometimes it's just not easy to pour out
everything that's happened to you in those
few days.

that has been a huge challenge for me.

and then when i manage to pour it out,
if i don't feel like he's listening, or
getting it, or even cares, i have been
known to get a little crazy.

and i go immediately into 'he's not seeing
me.'

because i have a history with that.
and i have a total fear of repeating that
history.

something i'm learning tho....he gets
a lot of it, some he misses cause no one
can get it all, sometimes he can't
listen cause his need is to not hear it
right then, and he always cares.

that's a pretty big paragraph.

no one's gonna get all of it. i hate that
part. i wish it wasn't so. but i think
that's true. and i think that's why we
carry that 'solo' feeling around that we
do. we are in this solo many many times.
and we are connected all at the same time.
weird stuff.

then.....
sometimes he just can't listen.

and i've gotten way more comfortable
with that.

if i NEED him to, he would.
i trust that.
if i HAD to be heard and he was in a
'let's just hang out' mood....i would
have to see that and put my need out there,
and then he'd answer the need.

if he wouldn't, i wouldn't want to be with
him. i know he's there for me.

but sometimes i need to see he can't
do it right then. that's HIS need.

but it doesn't mean he doesn't know me.
or that he doesn't care.

this has taken me a lotta years to figure
out.

for real.

to allow him space for his needs to be met,
my needs must dance with his.

and i have to trust enough to know that when
mine aren't getting met, it's not cause he
doesn't love me or see me.....he's just claiming
some space for him.

the same way that i claim space for mine.

i am finally really getting this.

it's hard to write about...as i reread it,
i hope it doesn't sound like i'm okay with my
needs not getting met over his needs.
that's not it.

i'm okay....i'm BECOMING okay...with our needs
dancing together and knowing that there is
always a give and a take.

and i can be comfortable with that because
i finally finally finally do trust that
he sees me and cares for what he sees.

that he always cares.

so when i get those feelings with him these
days......i sit myself down and really look.
and know it's not true.

when i get those feelings with other people,
i know that they CAN be true.
that people love me for what they need me
to be...not for who i really am.
that that happens.

and maybe that's okay.
it doesn't lessen who i am.
and i'm learning to make a little cushioning
space between me and them.

and the days i forget, and it all lands on
my head?
it totally sucks and it's one of the worst
feelings in the world.
which is why mary's comment caught my heart.
i know the feeling.
the feeling sucks.

and maybe, the feeling makes us dig deeper
and create more of what we want.

it has for me.
and my gosh, i know it will continue to do
so! cause that feeling comes crashin' over
me more times than i'd ever want....

but maybe.....just maybe.....it's growin'
us, teachin' us self love.....and teachin'
us how to love another.

glowing blue

i stood looking out my living room window.
the wind was whippin' the rain all around.
i had planned on taking a walk today.
first one in a week...

i was feelin' a little bummed...

it wasn't the weather that was gettin' me
down....it was my back.

it's still bothering me, but improving.
thought it'd be great today...
nahhh.....
prolly overdid it over the weekend...

standing there debating, and feeling
bummed...i decided to start with putting
the mail out. then maybe just goin' down
the street just a little ways.

i popped the mail in the box, and looked
up the street.

oh wow.
would you look at that color blue???

i just turned and walked towards it.

it was dark out still.
the trees were black out against this
glowing dark blue.

i swear, it was just glowing.

'i have never seen anything like this
before.' i thought.

okay terri.
just wait a minute, i argued with myself.

you say this every darn morning and this
just can't be true.

you MUST have seen the sky look like this
before.

i looked at that blue.
tried to figure out why it was glowing like
that.

it was like it was trying to change into
day, but the rain made everything dark,
so instead of turning to day, it just glowed
dark blue.

truly stunning.

and no, i answered back...
i have NEVER seen that before.

and then i laughed to myself.
well.....i DO have a little memory retaining
issue.

the boys can tell me the same joke over and
over (just spread out over different days)
and i swear i never heard the joke before.

reading history for the third time with my
third student, zakk, i would be just as
amazed and just as surprised at the stories.

so there is a little bit of a memory thing
goin' on....and maybe i do that with the sky.
but i swear, it FELT like i had never seen
anything like it before.

i turned the corner to go around the block.
what the heck.

and the wind and rain whipped into my face.
ahhh.......weather.

i blinked against it, felt it fall all over
me and wondered why people don't like rain.

it feels so cleansing.
and mix it with the wind....
and it just feels like the universe is helpin'
me out a bit. washin' off some gunk.

i thought about how sometimes i feel totally
refreshed after that. like i had just had
a great shower complete with zest soap!

and then sometimes.....like today....
i just feel more profound inside. more clean
inside.

the sky had lightened, it was gray out now.

but the glowing blue...that was still inside
me. holding it, i turn to my day....

wakin' up.....

this one's a little tough to write,
but i offer it up because i believe it's
important.

please handle with care.

two things that will collide and work
together here....

first one:
bob brought up our journey together
yesterday. how far we had come, how
much we had grown, and how deep it feels.
i asked him if he had noticed this corner
i feel that i had turned.
he absolutely had. described it to me,
and i smiled. yeah, he's noticed.

we talked of our life together and the
trust inside me was strong and steady.

that's been a heck of a long time comin'.

and it feels way way good.

the second thing:

we innocently got into another conversation
that ended up opening my eyes wide.

he casually asked me a question about
my family....
i casually answered.
he asked another.
i tried to answer honestly.
which meant i had to look.

and by the time we were done, something big
had happened. i want to offer it here, but
hesitate to do so.

there isn't one smidgen of family bashing
here. this isn't about them. this is about
the process of someone figuring out they're
valuable. and that's what needs to be seen
here. and that's why i offer it.
for others who need to figure that out.
my family is made up of people who have good
hearts and fumble a lot along the way.
like most of us. i do not blame them here.
that's not what this is about.

it's too simple to say 'my family doesn't
like me.'
we all know that's too simple.
i can go on for volumes and try to explain
what all that means to me....but it's not
the point.

the point is the feeling.....

the FEELING that i carry is that i disappoint
my family, i pain them, and they'd definitely
do a whole lot of tweaking on my being if they
were able to.

okay.
ya gotta understand that feeling.
and how deep that feeling runs.
cause it has run so deep it's carved current
marks in my bones.....

bob reminded me of when i first met him years
and years ago, of how heavy i carried the feeling
that i didn't matter. how closely i tied that
feeling with my family relationships and how
hard it was for me to sort thru.

yeah, i remember.

i've come a long long long way with it all.
but bringing those deep feelings into a
relationship can make for some pretty big
hurdles. trusting someone when they tell you
they love you doesn't just happen easily.

over the years, bob could not have proven
more to me how much he loves me. and i have
mostly trusted it to a point.

grin.
mostly.
to a point.

poor guy.
ohmygosh.

but this corner i've taken with him....well..
the trust is deeper. that point has to be made
clear here too.

okay, back to that feeling that i carry....
it's way way changed, i've worked for years
and years and years on it....and i'm way better
with it all.

but there are times.....and these times are more
than just once in a blue moon....where the deep
doubts of myself will come up.

i see them a lot when someone tells me that i
matter to them and they say it in such a beautiful
way that i can't ignore it. that i want to hold it.
and i go to hold it and a voice comes up....
'they don't know. they can't know. they do not really
know who you are. because if you were worth it,
if they were right, your family wouldn't feel the
way they do.'

i don't think i'm the only one carryin' that kinda
voice....so i wanted to put it out here.

those voices come at some crazy moments.
i've gotten so i see them, and answer them, and tell
them to go away......
but they've said what they've said, and i feel it.

over the years that i've been workin' on this stuff,
something has just naturally been happening. i haven't
tried to make it happen....it's just happened on its
own. it's become totally clear to me with no doubt
at all that my family doesn't know me. they have no
idea who i am or what goes on inside of me. their
views of me are stories and images that they've
created since i was small, put together, and pasted
other things on to.

i believe that with my whole heart.
they do not see me nor do they know me.

i don't question that any more.

so.
um.
logic please, ter?

bob and i will celebrate SEVEN YEARS together
in march....
seven.
seven.
yeah.....seven.

we said yesterday how it's taken us seven years
to sort thru our crazy stuff, figure each other
out, understand how to work with each other, and
trust each other. seven years.

and i believe he knows me more than anyone else
in the world. i believe he sees me. and i believe
he loves me.

that's big.
i BELIEVE IT.
that's big comin' from my history and those
current marks in my bones....it's big.

he loves me and he knows me.
he doesn't want to tweak my very being. i don't
disappoint him by who i am, and i don't pain him
by who i am. he actually, truly really likes who
i am.

go figure.

the others who see me the most and know me the
most are my sons. and by golly, it's the same
deal with them.....they truly like who i am.

go figure.

so here i am with people who truly truly see me.
on the daily basis, in the grit and the hard
stuff...in the good and the bad.....and i do
believe they know me.

so.
logic would say that using the argument that i
can't be so good because my family doesn't think
so....well that doesn't work so well as my REAL
family DOES think so!

and i trusted in it last nite.
and it whirled inside of me.

and yes, i knew that ultimately it didn't matter
if this family of mine knew....what ultimately
mattered was that *i* knew.

and i'd like to think that if they didn't know,
i would somehow find the way to know all on
my own. that i'd find the courage to find it
anyway. and i think i would.

but i caught a break.
i could pull myself up with their love.
i could pull myself up and tell them all about it
last nite. i could pull myself up and go...hey!
look at this.....

and somewhere....very deep....and very quietly....
i could feel a part of me inside stepping up and
sayin' 'yeah. i see you too. and i know you too.
and i love you too.'

it made me light headed.
it did.

'it's a powerful thing to watch a woman wake up.'

that's a bone sigh i wrote years ago....

to witness myself coming to my value....
it makes me light headed.

i turned to bob last nite and sincerely asked
him 'have i figured this out before and forgotten?
have i been here before and just found it again?'

cause i do that.
a lot.

'different flavors of it' he said....
and he reminded me of how i used to feel and how
far i've come....

and he smiled big.

and i smiled back....thru some tears...
i smiled back.

dinner

i kissed his dad who was standing in
the crowd and then squeezed myself
next to him on the bench. everyone
was waiting their turns to go in for
dinner.

gave us a chance to talk before we sat
down to eat.

we immediately got into this fun conversation
about his new used car and the death of
his old one. we laughed and kidded and
bonded over car issues.

his dad looked at us in bewilderment.
i think he wonders how we do that sometimes.

even i'm surprised at how easy it can
be between us. we have been thru so much
thru the years that i have known him.

there's been a tremendous amount of struggle
and pain. resentments. frustrations. wanting
to beat my head repeatedly against the wall...
these are things i've experienced in my time
with him.

he and his brother have been some of the
biggest challenges of my life.

ever.

so to have all this history and still meet up
and actually enjoy each other....well, that
seems a bit miraculous to me.

there's something there.
and i'm grateful it is.

i came with two things in particular to
offer the conversation.

one was my struggle with self doubt earlier
in the day. i knew that he had his own struggles
and to share mine might help him with his.
and so i offered it. not for me.
but for him.
i didn't get very far.
but i never know what seeds get planted.
so i try.

another was a thought i had along the way.
i was thinking about zakk as i drove to the
restaurant and how if i was the grand creator
of people, i would never have been able to even
THINK of the great combination of personality
parts that make who he is. it's such a great mix.
and i wouldn't have been creative enough to
come up with the mix.

then i thought of everyone i knew. same deal.

i thought of these two quirky men i was about
to have dinner with.
ohmygosh......definitely the same deal.

and i brought that to the table.
told him that if i had the power to create people,
i wouldn't have been even able to conceive of the
interesting mix that made him who he was.

he liked that.
wanted to hear more about that.

that's tough water for me to tread spur of the
moment with him.

so i gave him a few things....
and tucked away his interest.

i spend the day with his dad today.
i thought maybe he and i could actually write
down the wonderful quirky mix that make his son
who he is.

we could actually write a wonderful list.

and then.......i'm gonna send it to him for
valentine's day.

big grin.
i really think he'd like that.
i really think he needs that.

in fact, if it goes good, i think all the guys
in my life will get one!! and maybe i'll see
if i can get brothers helping me write them
about brothers. it could be fun.

hugging him goodbye last nite, i told him
it was good to see him.

life is weird.
moments like that.....dinners with laughter
and kidding and just hangin' for the sake of
hangin'.......those things matter a ton to me.

still wanting to do that after all our history....
well that in itself matters a ton to me.

kindness had a lot to do with it.
in between the frustrations......i offered a lot
of kindness. i know i did. cause i spent hours and
hours wrestling with myself over that one.
it didn't come easy.

ya think you're doin' that for others when you
do that. i do anyway. i think that i'm offering
something to others........

but you're not.
well..you are.
but......
it's for you.
in ways you don't even know.

i always get way more back than i ever give.

and dinner last nite....
the joking around with him with his dessert....
the bonding over his car loss...

the good feeling walking up my sidewalk....

direct results of kindness.

may i never forget how much it matters.
it makes life so much more beautiful.

the lighting aisle...

it was one of those dumb little moments in the
day....and it just hit hard, and kinda crashed
me into this big ol' hill of self doubt.

i tried to hide it from the guys....
we were headin' out doin' errands.
but i wasn't doin' such a good job of it.

so there we were, standing in the lighting aisle
of lowes when yo asks me if i'm okay.

zakk is right next to him waiting for me to
explain what's goin' on.

i took a deep breath.
i wanted to explain it to them so they didn't
worry, say it was just a little bump and that
i'd be over it in just a bit.

i took a deep breath and knew i wouldn't
be able to talk without tears.

so, there, in the lighting aisle, i said
'i can tell you, but i'm gonna cry.'

and that's when i watched zakk....
he had turned to look at a lamp....
and when i said that, he turned back to
me and grinned.

he was ready.

go ahead mom.
do tears at lowes.
i can handle it.

he didn't say that with words, but his eyes
sure said it.

and i laughed.

man, has he come far.
he used to have trouble bein' around my tears.
which around here, can be rough!

he'd stay near by but you could see he never
knew what to do. he would shift around. not
sure where to put his eyes and kinda sway
a little bit.

well, my almost 18 year old man didn't turn
away or look uncomfortable.
he smiled at me and moved closer all the while
giving me eye contact.

i totally noticed it.
and i totally realized he has grown into one
heck of a young man.

so i told them about some self doubt i was
having and that i just needed to figure it out.

they were right there.
so gentle and so caring.
and telling me i was being completely silly
and why.

i still have the self doubt.
but from talking to them, i see that i just
need to believe in myself and keep trying.

so i took a deep breath right there in the
lighting department, wiped my tears, and
started talking lamps with the guys.

we didn't get any lamps.
but i tell ya.....i got something pretty
cool there.

a call...

she called last nite.
just to say hi.
someone who likes bone sighs.

we had exchanged a few quick notes.
and i had been to her blog.

so i knew she had delivered
a stillborn baby about two years
ago.

she has four sons. and one of them
is a year old.

so she's had a baby since that tragedy.

i can only just imagine how difficult
that pregnancy would be to get thru...

i asked her about it.
how she was feeling.
how she was handling it all.
complete with handling four young sons!

and she told me something that she's
been doing....

she's become one of the photographers
for parents who experience what she did.
i actually don't know much about it,
and you can see that the topic is hard
for me to even think about or go near...
but someone needs to take pictures
for the parents to have of their baby.

i had never ever even thought of that.
mygosh.

how hard all around.

and she does that now.

wow.
my breath was taken away.
and we talked about that.

she told me why she did it.
she understood what the parents were
going thru.
her own photographer, while nice enough,
did not 'get it.'

and she did.
and she could offer that to people like
herself.

i smiled thru some tears and told her
'you're gonna be okay. you will never lose
this sadness.....but you'll be okay.'

and i went on to tell her my theory....
having heard/watched so many stories of
pain and getting thru it....

it's the ones who can do something with it...
they're the ones who do okay.

doesn't mean the pain goes away, doesn't
mean they ever lose the sorrow....
but it's that 'becoming' part in the quote
'she didn't just survive, she became.'
those are the people who become.

what an incredible honor for me to get to
watch people doin' this all over the place.

what a humbling experience to watch people
take such pain and offer good things back.

sometimes i get really discouraged about people.
and then sometimes, i am so inspired....

good decisions....

i think i figured out i was a woman when
i hit 40. or...at least...female.
i kinda flip flopped on believing i was
a woman....grown and an adult and all
that......but i did figure out that i
was female.

grin.
yeah.

i had had three sons, breast fed them all,
took care of the home, all that women stuff...
and yet, i don't think i really knew i was
female.

and then i kinda woke up to it.
woke up to my self.

interesting timing.
it's the same time that i decided
i wanted a divorce...

and since then, i've noticed things....

feminine issues and topics matter a whole
whole lot to me.

a whole lot.

i'm reading elizabeth gilbert's latest book
on marriage. and loving it.

she's exploring the topic of marriage as she's
being 'forced' into it because of some homeland
security issues!

she's funny, bright, and thinks the same way i
do about all of this. so it feels fantastic for
me to read.

and it's got me thinking.
a lot.

this morning i was thinking of the decisions
i've made to keep my sons and i together as
the unit we've been since my divorce.

choosing not to marry (or co-habitate) has
been one of many of the decisions.

reading this morning of the many different ways
that women give themselves up, and reflecting on
the many different ways i have done so thru out
my life, i thought of my sons and i and the life
we chose together. and how i've kept it together.

and for the first time ever, i felt a whole lotta
pride in that.

and gratitude towards myself.
for not giving me up yet again.

when i got divorced, i needed time on my own.
i needed time to figure out who i was and what i
can do.
i needed time to sit with my boys and figure out
who we were together. and what we could do
together.

i NEEDED it.
and i could so have easily lost track of that.

i still need it.
i'm not done with this part of the journey yet.
and i'm in no hurry.

it's just that this morning, i saw many times
where i had buried my needs and lost part of me...

and then i saw this very very big time here
where i held my needs and claimed them.
i made no apologies for them.
i owned them with all of me.
take it or leave it, this is the deal.
and i answered my own needs.

and this morning as i looked back over these
years, i thought of all that those decisions
had given my sons and i.

and i bowed down in gratitude to myself...
for following my gut.

sometimes it's one heck of a gut.

it's been one heck of a pay off too.
and for that, i am so darn grateful.

embracin' my life, baby.....

this embracing stuff continues....

okay, so maybe the twenty first day of
the first month of the year is too early
to declare what kinda year it's gonna be.

but one can be hopeful....

i'm declaring this the year i finally
understand bob!

well.....okay........maybe i should say
understand him a bit more.

and then, of course, because this is how
i work........i take that thought and run
with it and think this is the year i
understand everyone a bit more!!!

maybe this is the year i can sit back a
bit and watch more. and appreciate more.

control less.

all around me.

hmmmm......could be good.

i've been feelin' like i've turned some
kinda good corner with bob. so that's been
good. feelin' like i've been putting into place
a lot of the things i learned last year.
and seein' them work.
okay.
this is really really good news.
major hoping i can make it continue
thru out the year.

and then last nite.....i watched.
and i listened. and i saw.

i didn't need to read anything into anything.

man.
there's a lotta freedom in that!

i just watched.

he brought up gratitude.
but in his way.
not mine.
his way takes about 20 thousand less
paragraphs. never uses pretty words like
'magic' or 'glorious'....never involves
major body movements....it's just quietly
and quickly spoken.
and runs just as deep if not deeper.

but if you blink, you'll miss it.

i didn't blink.
i saw it and smiled.

the man lives gratitude.
but unless you sat and watched, you may
never notice. and something about that
really intrigues me.

at some point he had stood up after doin'
some kinda arm exercise and he stood there
in the dimly lit room talkin' to me.

i was sitting down tryin' to keep my back
in a good spot. so i sat there and just looked
up at him. and watched him.

he was talkin' about something and thru it
i saw these subtle things in what he was
saying.

his loyalties, priorities, progress with
his own inner work....they were all oozing
out of everything he said.

he didn't know it.
and unless you sat still and really listened,
no one else would catch it either.

woe.
how cool is this???

he works totally differently than i do.
totally.

and trusting stuff i don't understand,
especially when it's touching my heart,
and my vulnerabilities....well....it's
taken me years to get here.

years.

now.
we gotta be clear here.
i have TREMENDOUS amount of trust in this
man. there is tremendous trust between us.

BUT....
there's a long way to go.
i'm not sure if i'll ever totally trust anyone.
not sure if that's humanly possible.
don't know.
but do know i want to go really far into that
trust territory.
and there's been a door that just hasn't been
opening....until now.

and the thing is....
i see it opening with him....
and i see that actually opening me to something
else that i can take with me all over my world.

maybe it's a truer understanding that we all
really work differently....and that that's okay.
take that sentence and run it deeply thru your
heart. cause it's not a surface sentence.

years ago, bob challenged me when i was totally
thrown by the differences in us. he looked at me
and asked 'isn't it possible, terri, that we're
trying to get to the same place just in entirely
different ways?'

that question has haunted me for years.
to really sit with that question requires some
major honesty within yourself.

and for me, some major growth.

there's been a control freak, a body guard,
and some kinda weird accountant that had to be
let go of for me to get to this spot i'm in
today.

and i'm thinking there will be a whole lot
more letting go of....

and judging from last nite....a whole lot more
to embrace.

i'm diggin' this embracing stuff.

the letting go stuff has always seemed so hard.
this embracing stuff feels sooooo darn good!

embracin' here there and everywhere....

i hadn't seen him in ages...
and it was time for the year in review.
complete with my numbers.

i pulled out my sheet of numbers
and he asked me 'are you proud?'
i immediately answered no.

my numbers are way down.
i'm not proud of that.
but then he stopped me....
no. he meant that i EVEN HAD numbers!
lol!

when we first met, i wasn't exactly
your numbers kinda gal.
and he is definitely your numbers kinda
guy.

he's been with me since the beginning.
counseling me along. and we've learned
a lot about each other and working together.

at one point he even told me he went to a
conference and they had a speaker talking
to all these small business counselors about
'working with creatives.'

he told me she mentioned everything he had
learned working with me!!!

i laughed.....
ohmygosh. apparently i've stretched him a bit.

this pulling out sheets of numbers is a
fairly new thing.

he made a point of telling me how he was
proud of me.
made me smile.

i told him while i wasn't proud of the numbers,
there WAS a bright side to them, and i went
on to explain some stuff goin' on with the
business and what i thought was happening.

this really got him smiling.
look at this.
she's not only talkin' numbers, she analyzing
them! i think he just about fell off his chair.

it was funny too as i hadn't even noticed.

yeah.
yeah.
i guess i've gotten into this stuff.
i heard myself go on about some thoughts i had
and some goals for the year....
yeah.
yeah.
i guess i do enjoy this business stuff.

but then when i went to tell him about some of
the awesome notes i get....just so wanted to
share with him the heart part of it all...that's
where he made me almost fall off my chair.
with laughter.

he looked at me dead serious.
i had just told him i get 'some really amazing
notes.'

'terri. it's three people who write them.
two write them over and over and the third person
figures out when to send them and who they
should be in their notes.'

i cracked up laughing.

'if you have the guys check the addresses, they'll
show you. it's really only two different people.'

this joke carried thru our whole meeting.

driving home i was still laughing over some of the
things he had said to me....

how in the world did i get a business counselor
who teases me like a brother??'

i smiled and drove and shook my head.
i have no idea how we've gotten to this point
we've gotten to....but i love it.

i heard that little voice in my head that i've
been hearin' for days...

'embrace your life, baby.' and i laughed.

yeah.
yeah.

okay.
i think i will.

a poem

i just got a book of poems by hafiz.

ohhhhhhh am i lovin' it!

here's one i wanted to share!

In the morning
When I began to wake,
It happened again -

That feeling
That You, Beloved,
Had stood over me all night
Keeping watch,

That feeling
That as soon as I began to stir

You put Your lips on my forehead
And lit a Holy Lamp
Inside my heart.


ahhhhhhh........had to share!

my family......

i woke up and wondered about my back.
will i be able to spring outta bed this
morning??? i sure hoped so....

not bad.
not bad.
not perfect.
but not bad.

i thought of an exchange with an old
friend yesterday. we grew up together.
he hung out with my brother. and after
all these years, we're still in touch.

in reply to how i was yesterday, i told
him i was hobblin' around a bit but doin'
good.

'what?! the eternal fountain of youth has
back trouble?! say it ain't so!' was his
response.

made me laugh.
the bum.
and i tried to hobble faster this morning
just cause of his comment!

he's still very much like a big brother to
me. and i love him so much because of that.
he's not real close to his sisters, so he
likes the adoption we've done with each other.
fills a gap and is great fun all at the same
time.

then, last nite, i wrote a friend a snail mail
letter and enclosed it in a card made by the
woman i've adopted as my mom.

realizing i hadn't called her in ages, i gave
her a call right then.

i heard myself with her.
she really is like a mom to me.
i shared with her some of the secrets of my heart.
some funny stories. and just soaked her up as
she told me her stories.
she shared with me her 'miracle story.'
i was impressed and knew why we clicked so well
together....we're both flakey and love each other
for it. we both fill needs for the other and have
a great time doin' it!

i was bound and determined to at least step outside
today....walked around the house. not real good....
but i was out there anyway.

and i was thinking of these people in my life i've
adopted. and i see clearly we all need each other.
and i see clearly we all love each other. and i see
clearly how they're the people i go to when i need
support.

we've picked each other.

i've heard so many times now that sometimes you just
have to make your own family that i don't even pay
attention to those words anymore.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

thing is.....i really have.
without even planning on it. i just did.

i'm not sure exactly how i've looked at that before.
with some sadness i guess mixed in with appreciation.
but in the whole theme of 'embrace your life, baby'
i'm lookin' at it with great gladness this morning.

great gladness.

i've got quite the family out there.
filled with characters i love.
who love me back.

great great gladness over here.

embracin' that part of my life this morning.......

embrace me baby!

embrace me baby!

so embracing my life fully has been on my
mind pretty seriously for a bit here.

my friend gave me a good laugh today when
he wrote and asked me what were my goals
for the week.

i told him i was havin' back trouble
and that i really wanted to get a walk in
before the week was over...and that i wanted
to embrace bob with all of my heart.

i smiled as i typed this picturin' my buddy's
face when he read the note.

he writes back to me 'i'll go ahead and
take 'embrace bob with all of my heart'
off my list since you have the covered.'

and i laughed.
i love my friends.

bob's likin' my plan.
and i'm likin' my plan.

but it's not all limited to mister bob there.
it's my life.
i've been walkin' around just so appreciating
it.

and then i got a lovely snail mail card today.
i plopped myself down in delight and just
drank it in.

when i was all done reading it, i sat back
and thought about how my life is just full
to the brim with wonderful people. i love
my friends.

on the back of my card was this great little
write up about speaking your truth.
i wanted to share.

'it takes courage to speak our truth, and
often it takes considerable time to discover
what our truth really is. with much inner
reflection and life experience, layer upon
layer of borrowed beliefs slowly peel away
to reveal our essential core. when we find
our way home, the pathyway between the voice
of Spirit and our personal voice opens. it
is then that the gift of full self expression
blossoms to joyous freedom.'


woe.
pretty awesome.
(looks like you can find the artist here)

it finishes with a rumi quote i love:
let the beauty we love be what we do.

i so so so so so so want to fully embrace the
beauty i love.

i can hear my life hollerin'.......
EMBRACE ME, BABY!

how cool is this?!

before loss

i wonder what it is that creates those times
when everything seems to be working together
to help you get to another spot....

that's what the last two or three weeks feel
like to me.....this big crazy intricate weaving
of messages for me.

i was thinking about it last nite.
how i seem to get to repetitive spots.
and i laughed.
that's cause i'm a thick headed slow poke,
i thought.

nahhhh.....
i mean....
i am.
but it's cause that's the way life works.
or at least for me it does.

i'll get a concept down.
but to a certain level.
and then as i go along, i'll grow....
and the whole concept will come whirling back
to me as new as ever.

haven't i been here before? i'll think.
yeah. yeah. you have.
but not like this.
it's deeper. stronger.
and pushin' you to other places and will eventually
bring you right back here again to go even deeper
into the same concept.

it's one of those darn spirals!
and i'm here again at embracing my life.
not the first time i've been here at this concept.
but ohhhhh the first time i've been here at this
level.

and i'm likin' it.

and i want to dance....
but the body's just not quite there yet.
but the spirit so is.

so i sit here and dance thru some reading.
and i came upon this line....had to share....

'one only rides on the wings of an angel if
one is seriously committed to the experience
of heaven.'

ohhhhhh.......i liked that.
that's from marianne williamson.

and this....

'love will push every button, try every
faith, challenge every strength, trigger
every weakness, mock every value, and then
leave you there to die. but once you begin
to turn the corner, to leave love's bush
league and enter the pros, there is no
worldly activity that can match the joy of
flying like an eagle through the skies of
a lover's heart.'

ohhhhhhh.......

twice in the last 24 hours, i've gotten
notes from people who have lost someone they
loved with all their hearts. each note brought
me to my own loved ones. each note brought me
to tears.

all we have is now.
and i want to embrace it.

i don't know what we do after loss.
i'm so not good with that stuff.

but couldn't i at least get good with the
before loss stuff??

that's on my mind today.....

my sacred feminine

i just laughed so hard i started crying.

as i hung up the phone with my friend,
she reminded me to nurture my back.

ah.
i had tried working with it, talking to
it, acknowledging it....but can't say i
really tried nurturing it.

she said wrap it in red and use a heating
pad.

and then she reminded me of what the red
was for, but i forgot the second she said
it. i had the general idea tho.

so as soon as i hung up the phone, i went
to my room to find something red.

i found this great bandanna, tied it around
my waist so it would kinda hang on my back.

yo came thru just then.
told him my friend told me to do this and
the red was for 'my sacred feminine or something
like that.'

it's been on me since.

just now, as we finished lunch, i got up and it
started falling off of me.
yo, zakk and i had moved into the living room
and were standing there talking.

yo looked at me and said 'your sacred feminine
is falling off.'

i looked down, laughed and started retying it.

as i looked up, i saw zakk's face and i burst
out in a belly laugh. i had to hang on to the wall
so i wouldn't hurt my back.

his face was totally scrunched in confusion and
then a quick expression of 'i really don't want
to know.' flashed over it.

he REALLY didn't want to know.

oh man.

i laughed and laughed and laughed.

i love living with these guys!

matter of factly....

she seems to be at least three steps ahead
of me everywhere. which is fantastic for me.
not sure if it's fair to ask someone to be
your mentor....but i asked her if she'd be
mine. i can learn a lot from her.

so when i emailed and asked her a question,
and she suggested a call...it was an offer
i couldn't refuse!

she said a gazillion things i'll be thinking
about all day and mulling over. really
helpful insightful things.

but this.....this was my favorite......
and i think she'd be surprised to know it.

she asked me to share what was goin' on
with me the last few days and i did. in
doing so, i had to describe my feelings.
and i did.

and i told her how i felt about what was
done to me.

and she very matter of factly agreed with
me and said 'yeah, they did. they threw you
under the bus.'

just plain' ol' matter of fact.

they threw you under the bus.

big huge huge huge smile here.

yeah.
they did.

and ya know what's so cool about that?
they did!
AND
i rolled on under it, came out the other
side and stood up! and walked on down
the street!!!

ha!

ha!

let me just say that again....

i rolled on under it, came out the other
side and stood up! AND walked on down the
street......

into a new life.

ha~
ha!
ha!

into a new life.
one in which i found her.
and a whole lotta other really cool people.

one in which i fell in love.

and one in which i don't think i have been
fully willing to embrace....

fully.
totally.

until....
well.......

now.

yeah.

now.

i think now.

um.
thanking my friend for the call......
and smilin' big time.

sittin' with my candle....

last nite as i was washing my face,
i saw a spot on my forehead...just a
blemish...a zit kinda thing that'll go
away...but it made me think of my dad.

he had this spot on his forehead that
was there for years and years.

from the first moment i saw it, i felt
it was an outward manifestation of the
anger that was inside of him.

and it stayed and stayed.
and every time i saw it, i thought of
that. sometimes it would really flare up
and be really red and other times it would
just be there. and i would always think of
the anger that he held.

thinking of that brought me back to his
hospital room as he lay dying.

i had gone in real early one day. real
early. i wanted to beat the family and
get in to have my very own time with him.
so i was there before sunrise.

he had a great window in his room. the best
window i've ever seen in a hospital room.
you could really see the sky. day broke
while i stood there next to my dad. i could
look from the sky to dad and back again.

i was saying goodbye to him and telling him
that i loved him and i was crying as i did
so. i looked at that spot on his forehead
and took my tears and gently, so very gently,
rubbed them onto that spot of his.

as i sat with my candle this morning, i went
back to all of that. that's the most profound
moment regarding my dad of my life. it was
my goodbye.

so then i went to my mom. what moment comes
out like that? she's still here. so what's the
moment with her?

the answer was immediate. the memory was quick.
i was the one to tell her that someone she
loved so much had just killed herself. i was
the one to hold her while she wailed.

i have never held anyone before while they
wailed. it's a feeling i'll never forget.

another memory came...

i remembered holding her tightly
while i explained to her that dad was gonna
die.

i had walked in later on all of that. talked
to fewer medical people, and yet, my brother
and mother still didn't understand....he was
dying. and i had to tell them.

i thought of all this stuff as i sat with
my candle.

i thought of a buncha things....the deaths
we've experienced as a family. the traumas.
and the secrets that have been entrusted to
me that no one else knows.

i thought of standing there holding people,
of standing there holding secrets. of helping
people thru...of keeping secrets that feel too
much to hold sometimes...

and as i thought, the tears ran down my face.

without thinking, i put my hands on my forehead.
i held my face in my hands. and then i remembered
that blemish on my forehead and i took my tears
and i rubbed them on it and i showed myself the
same compassion and love i had shown my dad.

and then i held my shoulders and thought of my
mom wailing....and me holding her....and i let
my insides wail. i let it echo thru my veins.
and i held myself and allowed myself to not be
okay for a moment.

and then i thought of who i was.
and how the worst moments in my life, i was
alone. doin' what i had to alone.

i like that part.
that's not a bad part.
that's an empowering part.

i am strong and i need to see it.
i am strong and i need to hold it.
i am strong and i need to use that strength
inside me.
i am strong and i need to use that strength
to offer my stories.

i am strong and i need to use that to know
that all that i've experienced has been a gift.

all of it.

not just some of it.

but all of it.

including the stuff that makes me shudder.
including the stuff that makes me choke up and
cry when i tell it.

all of it.

as i look out the window at the sky this morning,
the tears come again. there's been a lotta anger
in me the last few days over unresolved things...

this morning, right now, for the moment, there's
this breath takingly awed gratitude for every bit
of it.

it's my life.
it's the biggest, fullest gift i'll ever get.

and i don't feel angry about it this morning.
i feel awed by it.

up for it....

i read something that hit me so hard,
i didn't know what to do with it.

as i was telling josh about it, he said
that it looked like i was half under
a boulder. like half of it had rolled off
but the other half was still on.

and that's exactly what it felt like.

i also told the guys that 'this is so much
i don't even know how to handle it.'

and i put it aside.

in the morning, as i was getting out of
my shower, i had a vivid memory of a really
bad moment. it was vivid. i was there.

i got dizzy in the bathroom, hung on to
the towel bar and steadied myself.

too long in the hot water, i thought.

but then i noticed something.

i couldn't stand up straight.
my back hurt.

oh no.
darn.

as i made my bed thinking about the memory
and thinking that maybe it was so emotional
for me, that my back acted up, i looked over
at the book i had been reading the nite
before.

it was as if someone slapped me. it was that
clear a thought.

oh man.

between the book and the memory......
and yes, they overlapped with issues....
my body was reacting.

aw man.

i told the guys my theory at breakfast.
my body was tellin' me not to ignore what
was up.

okay. okay.
i went and wrote down 'i am processing this.'

a little note to my body.
now will you ease up on the back???

um.
nope.

i hobbled around all day.

i talked to bob about it.
what do you see? i asked him?
what am i missing? i wanted to know.

we had several conversations thru out the day.

i listened a lot. and thought a lot about what
he said.

i could see there was so much there......
including dark parts of me that i wasn't sure
how to deal with.

as i lay in bed this morning, i talked with
myself.

'this is the deal,' i told myself.
these are the cards you got dealt.
this is what you have to work with.
how clearly you see them and what you do with
them is up to you.

yesterday, i was so bummed about my back.
didn't want the ache. didn't want the facing
things.

this morning i actually feel kinda excited.

it's not a 'once you get it, you get it.'
kinda thing with life.
at least for me it's not.

it's a take a baby step here, go a few steps
here, fall down. go back a few steps. take another
step forward.

and here and there in that crazy dance, there are
those real steady strong move ahead steps.

i think i'm about to take one of those....
thing is.....it's a challenge.

and i think i'm up for it.

and that makes me kinda excited......

a good paragraph.....

i read this yesterday and really
liked it.

wanted to share.....

'everyone wants to be loved.
but first we must make ourselves
lovable. we must prepare ourselves
to be loved. we do this by becoming
ourselves loving, disciplined human
beings. if we seek to be loved -
if we expect to be loved - this cannot
be accomplished; we will be dependent
and grasping, not genuinely loving.
but when we nurture ourselves and others
without a primary concern of finding
reward, then we will have become lovable,
and the reward of being loved, which we
have not sought, will find us.'

that's from the road less traveled.

i finished the book yesterday and think
i'll just pick it back up and read it
all over again. i totally love this book.

the paragraph above really hit me.
i think i see what it says playing out in
life in lots of different levels. in myself
and in those around me.

yeah......we all deserve to be loved.
and i totally get that. totally on board
with that. of course.

but we have a part in that.
and i just think it's so important we don't
forget.

old pictures....

just before i opened my package (see post
below) i hopped on facebook.

a friend from my childhood posted old pix
of us. i don't remember ever seeing these
before. and i'm not sure if that's why or
not....but they really hit me.

she also sent me a copy of a business card
that was my dad's. i had written a note to
her on the back of it and sent it to her
after she had moved away....

the handwriting of my young teen years,
the being so proud of my dad's business card,
her moving away.
it all just came flooding in......

who were those kids?
were they really us???

where has all that time gone???
and what do i do with what's left???

i'm an absolute teary mess over here.
in a good way.......

i so want to make the most of it all......

wow....

i am sitting here completely overwhelmed.
in a good way.

a friend of mine who has been dealing with
such incredibly difficult things just out
of the blue sent me a present.

just out of the blue.

a 'random of act of kindness' her card said.

with such really cool goodies in the package
that she MADE!

there's this inspirational coloring book she
made with directions to color inside OR outside
the lines! complete with crayons!

a home made journal......and 'gratitude beads.'

it's a strand of beads that you run your fingers
over and with each bead you think of one thing
you're grateful for.'

my gosh.

this woman is dealing with her husband dying.
every day she deals with medical things and pain
and struggle.....

and she sent me gratitude beads that she made.

i just cried.

i'm gonna start a gratitude journal tonite
with this journal she made me. and with my
beads.

i'm gonna try to make it a little 'sunset time.'
that may make no sense to anyone else...but
it's from the post below.
makes sense to me.

i am so moved that someone in her shoes cared
enough to do what she did.

and i got to be the lucky person who received
these gifts.

my gosh.

i am totally filled with gratitude.

a squrirrel gets focused...

it was like someone let loose a squirrel.

i was runnin' around inside the house
tryin' to get my clothes and shoes on
before i missed the magic time outside....

yo laughed at me as he saw me runnin'
thru. 'yeah, it looks nice out.' he said.

'NICE?! NICE?! NICE'S NOT THE WORD~!'
i hollered at him as i ran for my shoes.

i scurried outside and just couldn't
even decide which way to go.
ohhhhhh look over there.
ohhhhhhhh no no no look over here...
oh gosh which way should i go???

i finally finally have my energy back.
it's been missing for a couple of weeks
and my gosh,it all landed at once.

i turned the corner absolutely delighted
to be outside. i noticed my soft jeans.
wondered if there was a certain pair that
felt really good against my legs, or if
i only noticed the softness when i felt
really good.

i could tell by the energy of my steps that
there would be more than just around the
block this morning.

this MUST be a morning i go to my
goodmorningworld spot!

i took the turn to head up.
then passed a street that if i headed
down i would be walking right into the
sunrise.

ohmygosh. i should go down there.
no.
no.
no.
ter.
focus.
go this way.
you need to say hi to the trees and
you need to get to your spot.

okay.
okay.
okay.

ohhhhhh look over here.

i passed the iced over swampy spot
that we've named 'frog pond.'
when the kids were little we used to
go up there and look at the frogs.
go listen to the peepers in spring.

it was iced over and beautiful.
my feet turned towards it.

my head hollered at my feet.
no.
no.
no.

go to the corner...then stop on
the way back.

oh. yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

and i headed to the corner.

ohhhhhhhhhhh.......
THAT'S why all the rush!

it was a total glow.
a total glow.

i hopped onto the grass side
of the guard rail. unusual for me.
but i was a squirrel today.
hopped over and went all the way down
around the corner of the highway.
i wanted to see the whole darn glow.

there was a tree i never noticed before.
well, that's cause i don't usually go around
the corner of the highway....and it just
stood out so much taller than all the others.
it was just standing there above them all,
reaching up to this glorious pink orange glow.

i just stood there and looked.
oh wow.

my whole being got that aching feeling.
ya know that one?
where your chest just aches so bad you don't
know what to do???

i got that.

i've gotten that many times in my life and
never know what to do with it....
i always just turn to something else cause it's
too big for me to feel.

well, not this morning....
this morning i wanted to feel it.....
so i did.

i just felt it.
oh wow.
does it ache.

it's a good ache.
but it's so intense.

and i walked back towards frog pond just
feeling it. i stood and looked over this icy
swampy spot and pictured the boys out there
looking at the frogs. them laughing and squealing.

and the ache kept up.

i turned toward home.
now a very focused squirrel.

i saw a mist hangin' in the trees above the street.

and i thought of the ache.

it's like that, i thought.
i let it go and it just mists on out of me.

and then i really got to thinking about it.

this ache.....it's something i can't describe,
and something i don't think i need to describe.
we all know it.

it's so deep and so intense.
and i guess i always thought it came to me.
it never occurred to me before that it was
always inside of me.
always.

and i think it is.
always there.

way down deep.
and things will come and touch it and stir it
and i'll feel it.

and i got to thinking how it's somehow related
to god.

it has to be.
it can't feel like this and not be.

and that maybe instead of turning from it cause
it's too much....maybe i need to turn to it and
reach for it.

what if i started every morning touching
that feeling??

and then i thought of a sunrise....
it's like mornings already do this.

it's like mornings touch that achy spot inside
them and let it out....and that's how you get a
sunrise. it's the achy feeling coming out.
and it's breathtaking. indescribable. deep.
beyond us.

and then.......it just fades into the day.

until the sunset.
when it comes back.

ohmygosh.

what if i did that inside me???

what if i opened up to it in the morning
and let it color my morning. let it start me.
let it light me. and then let it fade out
all the while coloring my day just a bit.

and then.....being aware of that holiness
that's goin' on...cause it seems like that's
what it is....it's holy somehow. even if i
don't understand how. it still is.
what if i took that into my day??

and then at the end of the day....i opened
up to it again. and had my own personal sunset.
and sat for a few moments with all of it.

ohmygosh.

can you imagine every day opening up to that
achy feeling every single day twice a day???

can you imagine how you'd change???

can you imagine how it'd be like letting god
loose inside you???

ohmygosh.

and the squirrel walked home....
thinking hard.

a dream walk

the coolest thing just happened!
i woke up from a walk in my dreams!!

big big smile over here.

no kidding.
i was taking THE walk of walks in my
dreams. there were dream effects,
ya know?

like it was in a childhood neighborhood
and a young adult neighborhood combined.
and it had rained so much, the street
was a river. but there was a sidewalk
right next to it! and what a gorgeous
green that river was. my gosh.

there were stars that just totally
took your breath away....and a wind that
knocked me over sometimes. i had to crouch
low to make my way down the street. real low.
and yeah, there was some scientific reason
for that.

it almost turned sour when i thought i fell
right on top of some poison ivy, but the dream
gods were good to me, and it was just oak leaves.

and i passed the most fantastic man with three
little sons. the youngest son and the dad were
goofin' with me. and i laughed and told him how
great it was to have three sons.

and just as the dream was turning to the important
topics that i needed to look at, my alarm went
off!

i got just enough of the important topic to get
the message when i woke up.

and i woke up smilin.

i have never had a walk in my dreams before.

i smiled. acknowledged to myself i got the
message of the dream and was grateful for the
walk.

and now i'm headin' out for another....
ha!
how totally cool is that?!

cool moments

a few really cool moments of the day....

drivin' up to the doc's appointment he told
me he was gonna write me a smaltzy note,
but he only had one hand and it would end
up with just a few words and it wouldn't
be what he meant, and it'd confuse me.

i laughed.
the confused me part was because i have
trouble readin' him sometimes. and yesterday
i said several times 'you are totally confusing
me.'

it made me laugh and i appreciated us.

that's it.

i appreciated us.

i didn't wish we were different.
didn't wish he could type more or i'd
understand better.
didn't wish for us to tweak what we
were doin'.

no wishin' for anything.

i just appreciated us.

and i noticed the moment.

then gettin in the car to come home.
i happened to look over. no seat belt on
him.

'did you ride all the way up here without
your seatbelt???'

sigh.

i got out of the car, walked around to his
side. he's got that arm in a sling, ya know?
pulled the belt around him while i grumbled
about him bein' like a darn little kid.

i came back around the car and got in my seat.

he turned to me and said 'wait a minute!
i'm dating a SEVEN year old and YOU'RE tellin'
ME i'm acting like a kid??'

i started laughing.

yeah.
yeah.
but you're a BAD kid.

and started laughing.

and again, i noticed the moment.

i've been workin' hard on what i said i wanted
to do this year. to take the lessons of last
year and apply them.

i've been trying.
there's already been opportunities!
and so far, it's been workin' really well.
i know as soon as i say that, the tests
will get harder.....

but sittin' back tonite, after he headed home,
i thought how good it is.

and that felt good.

some pent up energy........

ohmygosh...the weirdest thing just happened.

i was rushin' around like a madwoman tryin'
to get stuff done after getting home from a
GREAT doctor trip. our patient is doing
wonderfully, thankyouverymuch.

so i'm rushin' around, checkin' emails and
i get this note from someone thru face book.

and my mouth fell open.

a completely inappropriate note from an uncle
about his nephew's recent behavior towards
his family. i'm friends with the nephew and
the dear uncle just wrote an open note to all
the nephew's friends. totally trashed him,
explained to us all how he was breaking his
whole family's hearts and then asked us to
pray for him.

my mouth fell open.

and i knew from my reaction there was something
here for me.

a button.

and then i thanked the universe that i wasn't
on facebook thru my divorce. i could so see
this very kinda note bein' passed to all my
friends.

it was bad enough without face book.
i woulda just fallen thru the earth, if there
was face book access at that time.

normally, if i get an obnoxious note, i delete
it and move on. don't waste my energy.

not this time.
i found myself typing this guy and telling him
how incredibly inappropriate it was. and that
about all he did was back up any reason the
nephew would have for stepping aside from the
family.

the righteousness of it all blew me away.

and so i sat and thought about it.
recalled my own stuff.

why didn't more of my friends step up and say
what was goin' on was wrong???
why did so many take what was said as true??

why didn't anyone just totally blow that
behavior outta the water???

cause we all try to make it as nice as we
can, i guess.

we all don't want to be stuck in the muck,
i guess.

well.....i learned something big thru all
that....

i will never ever let anyone drag someone
thru the mud in front of me. ever.

and all this pent up energy came tumbling out.

all this time i have excused people for letting
it go on and for not stopping it.

ya know what?
that sucks.
whatever.
everyone has their own reasons.

but for me?
i'm not just gonna smile and nod.

and that feels so darn good!

my lamp shook....

i got up early this morning.
gotta take the patient up to his doc visit.
it's a bit of a haul up so we gotta leave
early.

figured if i got up early, i might just sneak
out for a walk in the dark.....

so there i was, making my bed.
and i started thinking about how poorly some
people were treating me. and i got fiesty.

i thought 'ya know, i really don't deserve
this garbage and i'm just done with it.'
and i was just filled with one big
'whatever.'

it felt sooooo good.
and i thought about it.
i've had this really 'well, maybe i deserve
some of it' attitude all along.
and ya know....that is just so wrong.

just so wrong.

i didn't deserve any of it.
and it's been a long long time.
way past any length of time for people to
get over it.

so i'm makin' my bed, grinnin' and deciding
i'm done with this stupidity and movin' on
in such a strong way.

i'm feelin' fiesty, bold, good, strong, and
really together.

when there's a loud THUMP against my wall.
i look over and my lamp is shaking.

ohhhhhh.....

i'm standing there next to my bed, with my
hands on the blankets looking at a lamp
that's shaking.

and suddenly i don't feel fiesty, bold and
really together anymore.

what was THAT?!

it's dark out.

i pull up the shade, feeling very exposed
as i do....but thinking i need to look
somewhere.....

it's dark.
i can't see a thing.

the motion light isn't on, so that's good.
uh.
i think.

it came from the other room.
the wall against this one.

great.

i'm not goin' down there.

great.

i stand there.

yo.
let me wake yo.
it's almost time for him to get up
anyway. i just need someone's voice.

the only times i wake yo are not good.
he knows that.
so he gets up with a 'what's wrong?'

nothing.
my lamp just shook.
i heard this thump and my lamp shook.

laughin' as i recall this.

poor yo.

we looked around a bit.
didn't find anything.

but it totally unsettled me.

no walk in the dark for me this morning.

there's things that go bump out there.
or maybe they're in here.

and i'm feelin' all crawly on my arms.

and i'm laughing.

what happened to bold and strong and
fiesty???

well.....there's different times for different
things.

so i think back to what i was thinking of when
i was making the bed.

those people.
treatin' me bad.
it's been way too long.
and it's way too stupid.
and i'm way way done.

they can't hurt me anymore.
cause i don't care anymore.

they aren't any threat to me anymore.

other things will come and threaten me.
cause that happens.
like my thump.

and that's okay.
cause i gotta keep learnin' how to take
care of me.

like not walkin' in the dark today.

but that other stuff?
it's old news.
and i have learned how to take care of me
with that.
it's over.
i'm done.

like for real.
done.

not my deal.

way cool!


time to forget that past and pay attention
to the now. and i totally felt it inside me.

which reminds me...........where's my flashlight??

shatterings

ah man.
she called sobbing.
just sobbing.

her heart was broken.
as anyone's would have been with the
story she told.
i listened and the tears came to my eyes.

i could just imagine how much her heart hurt
right now. and there was nothing i could do.

just listen. and tell her it so totally sucked....
and then leave her be.

man, that's hard.
honest to pete i want to fix the world sometimes.

when she said 'i'm never doin' this again.' i knew
she meant it from the depths of her soul.

and i wonder what will happen with that feeling.

not too long ago i thought bob wanted to break up.
he didn't. but i thought he did.
and i remember the feeling.
it didn't creep over me. it slammed into me.
'i am never doin' this again.' i thought.
i remember the feeling.
slam. it was so strong.

and sometimes i wonder....
if we really don't make it....
i really wonder if i'd ever do it again.
and no, i'm not positive i would.
i honestly don't know.

so when she said that, i didn't immediately dismiss
that as just hurt. i heard it as we just really
don't know, do we? and her trust is so incredibly
shattered.

shattered trust.

oh man.
that is such a huge huge thing.

the shattering made me think of another call i got
some years back. someone who knew bone sighs more than
me called one nite when her world was shattered.
she lay such a horrible story at my feet, i just
didn't know what to do.

i remember hanging up the phone thinking what on
earth does she do now? where does she go?

and that's the night i wrote 'splinters'

'she built her cathedral from the
splinters of her shattering.'

i remember sitting there asking the universe
what in the world did she do now?

all she or anyone of us ever can do....

we rebuild.

over and over again.

we rebuild.

and if we're aware....we do way more
than rebuild.....
we build our cathedrals.