a fantastic reminder!

wow! did i need this!!!!!!!

i cried.

i just plain ol' cried.

thank you, angela!

want an inner child reminder?
check it out!

curling in with the morning....

i had a talk with the morning this morning.
i don't think i've ever done that before.

i've talked with a lotta other things - but i'm thinking
this was my first talk with the morning....
well, besides something like 'you're so beautiful,
i want to just hold you.' or just appreciating it.

this was different -
this was more like goin' to a friend and asking for
help with understanding stuff. it was awesome cool.
cause i wasn't looking for answers. just untangling.

what i got was pretty obvious, but i hadn't put it into words
before this morning.

disappointment.

and yeah, different people have been involved in various
instances of disappointment in my life lately. it's been
a string of them.

if i take each one separately and look at each instance,
i can see the other person, and their stuff, and why things
happened the way they did. it all makes sense, and it's all
just life stuff.

but if i don't take it separately, and i just feel this general
ball of stuff inside of me, i didn't have a label for it.
til now. it was just a blobby mass of gunk that didnt' feel good.

but then i got this word...
disappointment.
yeah.
that's what it is.

and like i say - i wasn't looking for answers.
there's thoughts that spur right off of that.
what do you do with it?
if you create your own reality, can you tweak this stuff?
or is this just the deal when dealing with other human beings,
and you just hold it?

i didn't ask.
i didn't search around.

i just sighed with relief.
ahhhhh yeah. THAT'S what it is.

and that's all i wanted this morning.

i have no desire to 'fix' anything right now.
i just wanted to understand me.

and i think rather than try to tackle any of it,
i want to kinda offer myself some compassion today.
that's it.
nothing more.

just say things like 'of course that hurt, ter. and yeah,
that would sting. and yeah, that would make you sad. it's
a lot all together.'

and that's it.

that's it.

and somehow it feels like a ton.

understanding my feelings, giving them a word that makes
sense to me, and accepting them, allowing them, and showing
myself compassion.

all from asking the morning if it'd curl in with me and talk
with me....it was like my own little quiet dance with the
morning.

nancy

a beautiful, shining soul left the planet a few days ago.
i haven't been able to talk about it as it hit kinda hard,
and i wasn't ready to share it.

but just now, as i was sitting here working, someone emailed
me a photo of her with the announcement of the funeral arrangements.

i looked at this photo and just cried.
i've seen it before. in fact, when i first saw it i was so taken
with her beauty. i remember just falling in love with her.

i'm still just as taken with her.

she knew she was dying and she left a note for us...i wanted to
share the last part....she mentions the breezes...i'm not sure
i'll ever be able to feel a breeze quite the same again....

i wanted to share this as i wanted to remind us all.....
this is our time to dance -

"Enjoy your dance sweet souls and remember me when the dolphins sing
and the flowers wrap their arms around each other and breezes blow wise
words to your hearts.
Have open hearts - it is where the light and love will shine."

nancy, you will be missed.

archetype talk on the forum....

catharine came by the forum today and started a thread
on archetypes.

it's a topic i'm really interested in and know very little about.

thought i'd announce it around so if anyone wanted to come by,
they could. would so love to read some people's thoughts on it all....

you can check it out here.

still dancing

i've claimed my life back,
and i'm serious about that.
i'm workin' hard on that.

i've mentioned the last two weeks have been hard,
but the part that needs to be noticed about that
is there were times i felt on the brink of insanity.

really.

i think there are times when i just don't know what
to do with the emotions i feel...and i truly do feel
like i'm goin' outta my mind.

so, okay, two weeks of that and then poof! you just decide
you're coming back into it all, not running anymore, and
done with the insanity.

yeah.
that's nice.
real nice.
good luck with that, ter.

so while i was doin' a great job on my own,
two different times during the day yesterday, two different
people i care about went ahead and messed with my balance.

but i'm really really serious about this claiming my life back.
so both times i had to sit myself down, remind myself that i
love both these people, and that people do these kinda things.

people hurt you, disappoint you, and drive you bananas.
yep.

that's what people do.

they also love you, inspire you, and make you happy.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

i gotta say, i woulda been okay being a hermit on an island last nite.

but here's the point...
i didn't go insane, i didn't even fall out of my 'this is my life
and i'm gonna grab it' mood.
i can still feel the stars inside of me.
AND! i whispered to the morning this morning that it was mine
and i wanted to enjoy all of it today.

grabbing life i guess means grabbing all of it.
and letting the hurts and disappointments and frustrations be there.
cause they always will be.

they're my hurts and disappointments and what i do with them is up
to me. what i do with it all is up to me.....

still dancing over here......still dancing.....

near misses

yesterday seemed to be day i noticed the near misses.
even before the drama with zakk in the kitchen.
i was noticing things.

think maybe it started with hearing my neighbors didn't
have power.

talk about a near miss.
just a block or two away.
and i felt really really grateful.

then i noticed a few other things.
things that could have gone wrong but didn't.

i noticed that i was seeing these things yesterday
and wondered how many near misses happen every day.

and then! zakk and i had a moment in the kitchen.
ohmygosh.

it's hard to explain if you don't have young men living in
the house with you. that young guy energy is in a category
all on its own.

i was blending up some stuff in my food processor.
well, i was getting READY to do that.
the lid was off, and i had thrown in some frozen strawberries.

zakk was standing there just kinda waiting for lunch, i guess.
i have no idea why he was just hanging there.
but apparently he was hanging there with little to do as he
seemed to need to entertain himself.

my back was turned when he grabbed a pair of scissors.
as i was turning back towards him and the strawberries,
i didn't notice that his arms had just lifted with the scissors
to thrust down upon the strawberries.

i reached to the strawberries to separate them, and that's
when i saw the scissors barreling towards my hand.

we both reacted.
thank goodness.
i yanked my hand away and he tried to aim IN BETWEEN my fingers.

i screamed and screamed and screamed so much that zakk didn't
know if he gotten me or not.

josh informed me he knew that i hadn't gotten stabbed because of the
type of scream i was screaming. he then went ahead and demonstrated
what i would have done if i actually had gotten stabbed. complete
with a few gurgles of blood or something thrown into the sound effects.

noah had no idea what was going on, he was sitting at the table
laughing and laughing because i was standing in the middle of the
kitchen screaming at the top of my lungs and waving my hands. and
i just wouldn't stop. it was soooooo close it totally freaked me out.

i'm not sure if zakk was looking for blood to figure it all out or
what.

it was about as near a miss as you get.
and it could have been AWFUL.

when i stopped screaming i held my hand tight, closed my eyes and
just said 'thankyougod, thankyougod, thankyougod' over and over in
a frantic kinda way.

near misses.
not always with quite so much drama....but all thru the day,
every day.....near misses.

knowing that really seemed to increase my gratitude.
i'm carrying that gratitude back into today......

grabbing the mornings.......

so, okay, i always seem to be years and years behind
everyone. i watch the good movies years later, read the
good books years later...and! i figure out that waking
to music for your alarm clock is way way cool years after
everyone knew this already.

today was my first morning to a musical wake up.

i'm a definite fan!

ohmygosh....i woke up to my current favorite song
and i could feel myself totally light up as i woke up.

how cool is that?!!
sure beats wanting to turn the alarm off as quick as i can.

i cleaned myself up, made my bed, got dressed
and then wandered out to my back yard in the dark.

i had a plan to pick up the branches that the hurricane had
knocked down and just kinda get a little grounded outside early
this morning. i thought the dark would help with the grounded part.
maybe not with the branch part, but i was more into the
grounding than the sticks.

as i whispered to myself out in the dark, i realized that i
could be the morning's wake up music. my whispering could wake
the morning.

i wandered around, stooped over and picked up millions of branch
bits, and whispered to myself about anything and everything.

i have a plan now...tomorrow morning i'm gonna go out back in the
dark and actually be the morning's alarm clock on purpose.
i'm gonna say beautiful things to it to start the day off right.

how fun will that be?!

i'm inspired!

and i realized something today - i actually get up early on purpose
for this kinda thing.

i used to get up really really early cause i was starting a business,
homeschooling my sons, and trying to survive. i just didn't sleep much.

life changes...

and then i used to get up early to catch a call from my guy and get
a little bit done before it got crazy around here.

life changes...

and now? i get up early to meet the morning and exercise and just
ground myself.

i gotta tell ya, i never woulda figured i'd miss sleep for that.
and now? i love it.

there's something wonderful about evolving and figuring out what
feeds your soul, keeps you sane, and grounds you....and grabbing it.

and grabbing it! what a great thing to do.

cause it's our life.
and it's up to us to grab it.

the stars came back.....

i walked and remembered all i felt last nite.
i thought of how i'm here and i want to claim being here.
and i breathed in the cool morning air.

a neighbor from a few blocks over was driving by.
she stopped and asked if i had power.

ohhhhhh if i had been quicker what a great answer
i could have given her. 'power?! oh yeah, baby,
i got power and i just reclaimed it!'

but um....i'm not that quick.

so i said 'yeah.'

she told me they didn't have any. no phones, no electric.

wow.
we had gotten ours a few hours after we lost it.

that did it.
the gratitude zoomed thru me.

no kidding.

we had lost power long enough for me to think about
plans for working if it didn't come back on. it
wasn't even so much about living - it was keeping
work rollin'.

so knowing what i could be doing right now just to make
things work out, and knowing that i don't have to felt
really really good.

and as i walked i could feel the stars.

ohmygosh!
i haven't felt them in awhile.

i could feel the stars in my veins.
yep.

the stars zippin' thru my insides.

my face filled with delight.

they're here!
i walked faster and felt them.
flowin' thru my arms.
my fingers.
whirlin' around my elbows.

oh yes!
it's been too long.....

felt them in my legs.
smiled big when i could feel a really large one in each kneecap.
i bent my knees more as i walked just to play with the stars in them.

headin' back to my house, i looked at the stuff all over the yard,
i thought of the leak in the roof i had to deal with, and the mess my
studio's in right now.

and i smiled.
cause it's mine. and i'm here. and i have stars inside me.
think i'll turn on everything electrical i have just to appreciate
it working and i'll go tackle my day.

cause it's my day.
all mine.
and if i look close, i can see - it's filled with stars.
everywhere.

tonite

something happened today.

it's deep and it's personal and i want to hold it close.
but i want to put out here the impact on me today.

i've been running from life the last two weeks.
running hard.
away from the hurt and the sadness and pain that i have
no control over.

running, hiding, just leaving any way i could.

too many buttons gettin' pushed, too much i don't know how
to deal with.

fear.
lots of fear.

so lots of running.

been the worst two weeks i can remember in a long long time.

i've been trying to come back.
i'll grab something, hold on, try and come back.
and got knocked down again and head off runnin' again.
over and over again.

and then something happened tonite that hit me smack in the face.
hit hard. so hard i don't want to talk about it.
and then i just filled with such sadness.

and then.....something else.......
something else......

and i got on my bike tonite.
i've now got a stand for it so i can bike in my room.
you know, like an exercise bike, not like biking all around
the room. :)

i got on, and i rode my heart out.

and i rode back INTO my life.

i want my life.
i really really want my life.
i want the people in my life - with all their struggles,
and pain and flaws and baggage.
i want the love.
i want the belief in it.
i want the trying and messing up.
i want the house with the leaky roof and the
millions of things i have to fix.

and i want the yard full of sticks and leaves i have to pick up.

i was going to pick them up tonite. or at least start.
get out there and clean up.

but i decided to leave them there tonite.
on purpose.

because they don't matter.
cleaning them up doesn't matter.

riding back into my life matters.
and so i chose that.

and i intend to make it one very different kinda week
this week.

irene's visit

i decided i'm really not a hurricane kinda gal
nor an earthquake kinda gal.

i thought i liked dramatic weather....
think i've changed.

now i think of things like my roof, my house, my yard....
it takes a lot of the fun away.
but adds much to the gratitude pot when it's all over
and things are really okay.

i had a leak in my studio.
zakk happened to walk in as i started looking
around to make sure it was all okay.

'it's just a rain storm' he said as we both turned
to go out, sure everything was fine.

i looked down at some art that i had gotten back from
the printer. luckily it still had it's plastic wrapping
on it cause right there on top of it was a little puddle.

i pointed it out to zakk and we both looked at each other.
he immediately offered to go out and check it out.
my hero.

as zakk climbed up on the roof in the rain and yes the wind,
to check the leak out, the rest of us emptied out a good
part of the studio.

he came in with the drowned rat look and consulted with everyone
on how to fix the leak. did i mention he was my hero yesterday?
there were a whole lotta ideas on what to do and how to do it,
and yes, there were moments it felt like a darn sit-com to me.
zakk headed back up, the wind was pickin up, and that's
when i was really thinking i didn't like hurricanes.

i have to admit tho...that there's some excitement in being on
the roof like that. i've been out workin' on my house in a storm
before, and there is some kinda spark to that.

and it wasn't with the big winds yet. so we were still okay.
zakk fixed us up right and all settled back in.

the winds were pickin' up and you could hear them whistlin'
outside. i was gettin' worried about the trees now.

we lost power and we all gathered from our different spots
in the house to the living room. candles were lit and we
settled in to watch the storm outside.

it was getting late. it was dark. and the guys had finally
settled in from losing the ability to goof with all the
electronic gadgets. i curled in close to bob and just
listened to everyone talking as i watched this one big tree
outside dancing and dancing with the sky.

with all the distractions gone, and the quiet in the house,
and the late hour, and my own stillness just watching things,
i saw something that i didn't know what to do with.

i just lay there listening to the guys talk...
i realized the guys know so many things. all of them. they're
so smart. and bob, well, he knows more than i can ever imagine
even knowing. i didn't know anything about anything they were
talking about.

i didn't even know what to do with what i was seeing.
this isnt a cry for responses of 'oh, terri, you know lots of things.'
this is a sharing of this feeling of 'wow......look what i saw in
the middle of the storm.'

it isn't as bad as it sounds.
while unsettling, it was also very humbling in a really good way.
and i wondered what it was i wanted to learn about, what it was
i cared about, and what it was i was gonna do about it.

i want to know more things than i know.
i saw that last nite.
but if i really mean it, i have to pick and choose.
and what will i pick and choose?
and...and...and.....here's the part that i really have to pay
attention to.....

it means i have to learn to look at things in a different way.
doesn't mean i change how i look at things - it means i ADD to
the way i already work.

i watched the tree dance outside my window.
there's so much to see in so many ways.
i want to expand my seeing.

this all came about in the middle of a power outage.
just listening to those guys of mine talking.

you certainly can get gifts in the oddest places at the oddest times.
that was irene's gift to me last nite.

a good feeling...

years and years and years and years ago,
when the kids were tiny and their dad and i were
married, we went camping in some small town in
upstate new york.

i remember the total delight i felt in finding
out that people in the town not only understood
what the word 'vegan' meant, but vegan food was
also offered everywhere - INCLUDING the ice cream
parlor!

i remember that it wasn't just a thrill....it meant
a ton to me. where i came from you had to define
vegan anytime it came up and you weren't going to
find offerings everywhere you went. and i remember
standing there in that town with a feeling like i fit.

it wasn't something that i had walked around consciously
thinking about back home. that's why it made such a big
impact, i think.

it was just a way of life there. and it felt so good.
i also remember promising myself i would try to find
a place like that for when i really got to pick where
i could live. find a place i feel this feeling i felt
there.

well, life gets in the way of that stuff i guess,
and that may not happen for a long long time...BUT
there are tastes of it here and there.

and yesterday i had that feeling again. the feeling
of soaking up something you didn't even know you were
missing.

'show me what ya got that's new.' i asked him.
and he gave me a tour of his art.
he pretty much was breezin' thru it until i started
asking a few questions. then i told him i was working
on ways to touch my joy, told him some of his really
wacko paintings were just the kinda thing i wanted to
do.

his face lit up and he said 'you want joy, look at this,
this is pure joy.' and he walked across the gallery to
another painting of his.

we stood there looking at it and he told me about how
he had painted the yellow coat and as soon as he finished,
he went up to the loft above where he had all the paints
ready and he started throwin' them down on top of the yellow.

i laughed as i could picture the whole thing. he's got
the perfect studio for it. and we looked at all the colors
mixed up together.

'you can't plan this stuff.' he told me. and i grinned
at his intensity.
and then he showed me some effects he got on another one
by jiggling the whole canvas around.

we were like kids looking at the colors all mixed up and
the patterns that had come out so awesome cool.

there was no art snobbery, nothing but this is great,
and how fun is this?!

we talked of paints and coatings and canvas and boards,
and it felt like heaven. i didn't even know i was missing it.

and then later, as we were leaving the basement of the building
he stopped to look at some old strips of wood piled in the corner.

i could see his gears goin' and i laughed.
asked him what all he was thinking and he told me that he
could make some sort of sculpture with that.

oh, i just loved it. 'that's one of my favorite things about you!'
i told him. the possibilities are all around him, and
enjoying the process and playing with it all is what he does.
that's the point for him.

there's always been something about that building anyway
that's felt like home to me. throw in the art talk, and
the touching of joy that he was sharing with me,
and i had that same feeling i had so many years ago in
that small town. sometimes it just feels so good to fit.

a good kinda day....

well the timing couldn't be more perfect...

i'm spendin' time hangin' with my adopted family today.
and i tell ya, today, i'm just about runnin' into their arms.

and what a motley crew they are.
my chosen family.
it makes me laugh with delight just thinking of them.

i found them early on in the bone sigh days on my art travels.
i didn't know it at the time, but the woman who i later adopted
as my mom, let me inside her heart right away. i mean, i knew
that part. but i didn't know how odd that was for her.
i thought she must do that for everyone.

i've since watched. she doesn't. and i often wonder what
was goin' on with her that day when she gave me a tour of her
paintings and why on earth she told me all the stories to them
that she never tells anyone else.

i figure we were just destined to adopt each other.
and we did.

having been there thru all the trials and craziness of my
relationship with this guy of mine, she will now see my ring
for the first time ever. and i can't wait to grin at her
and show her. she's heard it all. and loved me thru it all.

then there's this kookball guy who's like a brother to me.
who has the most gigantic heart of any guy i've ever met and
will do absolutely anything to help you out and show you
he cares.

him and i were packing up paintings in an art gallery to
take over to a festival one day years and years ago when we
were just getting to know each other. i remember laughing so
hard with him that we both leaned over this box with our
heads just about hitting each other just laughing and laughing.
when i laugh like that with someone, it's just the greatest
joy for me.

the guy who runs the art gallery, who's also part of this
adopted crew, came over and scolded us because he thought we
were hurting the painting (which we weren't) and we both looked
like kids who'd been caught. and when he left we carried on all
over again. truly like a brother.

he too has been down many bumps in the road with me. always
on the side just saying 'it's okay.' always always there.

and then...there's one more in this adopted family of mine.
i don't have a title like brother or whatever for him. but
the connection between us is deep and means a ton to me. he's
one of the first males to ever 'get' bone sighs. and he's
always always believed in me and rooted me on. if there were
past lives, we definitely knew each other before.

i've long since forgiven him for scolding my adopted brother
and i over the boxed painting. it added so much to that moment.
i just laugh when i think of them all.

what a treat to spend some time goofin' with these characters.

and completely needed by me.
sometimes i'm amazed at how much i need some of the people
in my life. how much their love matters to me.

and i'm going to make a point to tell each one of them today.

family.
sometimes there's just not a whole lot you can do with the batch
you were born into...but my gosh, how fun to have another set
you hand picked for wonderful reasons. and how good to feel their
hugs when you most need them.

watching

women are interesting creatures.
actually, so are guys.
i guess we'll say humans are.

but i was thinking of women this morning as i'm watching
different women around me making their different decisions.
some i'm rootin' on with all that i have inside of me,
and some i'm raising my eyebrows at, squirming a little
and hoping for the best.

i sat out on my porch this morning thinking of them.
thinking how fascinating it is to watch. what's motivating
them, and the paths they're taking to get to where they're
getting....that kinda thing.

then i wondered what it would be like to watch me right now.

ohmygosh.

it'd be hard as most of what's goin' on with me is internal
at the moment.
not a lot to see on the outside. bit *i* can see it.
and i haven't been watching - i've been living it.

and it occurred to me that watching it was a good idea.
would help me see better.

last nite in the middle of the nite i had this weird
incredibly strong emotional turmoil thing goin' on. and
now this morning i feel calmer than i have in weeks.

now go figure that one.

now that's worth watching.
first of all i can't figure out how that happened or
what on earth that means.
and then, the calm will prolly be gone within a few
hours.

so....what will make it go? why will it go? what will i be
reacting to? what will be driving me? and what will be my
goals?

will i watch and learn?
or will i get swept away?

lately all i've been doin' is being swept away.
i've been workin' on hangin' on.
not watching.

hmmmmm.....

making cookies...making joy.....

the one thing i wouldn't miss out on yesterday was making
those cookies i had planned on making.

it wasn't to have cookies.
it was to somehow touch in and reach my inner child.

and no matter how crazy the day was, i was gonna make
sure i got to those cookies.

turned out perfectly as i couldn't find my recipe
and so i had to wing it. best thing that could have
happened to me as it immediately got me into the free
and easy mood.

i don't think i've ever made cookies with such
abandon and delight in doing whatever felt right.

i grabbed a bag of flour i had.
dumped whatever was in it into my bowl.
'perfect amount' i announced out loud as i tossed
the empty flour bag away.

dumped in oats.
hmmmmm....that seems like a lot.
oh well, the guys can eat a lot.

pouring salt into my hand i wondered if you could make
cookies too salty. nah, this isn't that much, i decided
as i tossed it in there.

couldn't remember if it was baking powder or baking soda
or both.....let's go for both.

on and on i went.

don't forget the raisins! we need raisins!
whatever was left in the raisin bin turned out to be the
perfect amount!

mixing it all with my hands and then licking my fingers
with delight, i could feel the joy of cooking.

i never did have the patience to make cookies one at a time,
so i ended up globbing it all together and making one big
ol' thing of cookies to cut into bars later.

perfect!

popped them in that oven.

whew. i needed that.

i could feel good things inside of me.

and guess what???
they came out great!!!!!!

i do believe i'm gonna take a tea party break
today with my inner child and indulge in a cookie
right along with the tea!

sometimes we just gotta make the joy.....
and that's a good thing.

holdin' the book....

so yesterday when i came in from my walk,
i had my day planned so that it was filled with things
that would center me, bring me comfort, and help me tune
in to my inner child.

i've been feelin' a tad bit desperate/insane and felt
this was a really good plan.

well, the plan lasted for about ten minutes.

between other people's plans i hadn't counted on,
and the earthquake, things just changed.

but in the middle of all the craze i hadn't planned,
i got the proof of a new book i just finished.

i will tell you honestly that i have felt silly writing
yet another book. seriously, how many books do i need
to do? and i'm aware of that.

thing is, this one was inspired by a story that really
moved me and my heart was really tugging at me to do it.

i had heard of a young girl who had been raped,
and who was struggling big time. and somehow some bone sighs
made it to her, and in some small way, they helped a little.

the whole story hit me deep.
and i decided i wanted to put a book together for girls/women
like her. if i could offer any kind of help, i wanted to do so.

i argued with myself plenty.
i have never experienced this horrific pain, and i wasn't
qualified to offer anything.

and besides....i just really can't do one more book.
that's embarrassing. how many can you do???

my heart wouldn't buy it.
and after some internal wrestling, i went ahead and
did it.

noah designed the cover and it's as deep and gentle and
loving as noah is. it's stunning.

so there i stood, knee deep in internal struggles about
what the heck i'm doin' with life and wondering what in
the world life and living is all about, and trying to figure
out how to center myself, when the proof comes in.

i opened it and the whole world just stopped for me.

i held it and just looked at it.
i was overcome with the softness of the look and the feel.
i flipped thru it and saw my heart mixed all in it.
and i cried.

i stood there holding this book with tears running down
my face.

i felt like i was holding the answers to the questions
that had been making me insane. what i cared about, what life
was for, where my passion was, how i wanted to live, all
that stuff......it was right in my hands.

i held the book up against my cheek and just felt how soft
it felt. i closed my eyes and just held the feeling.

then i went over and showed it to the guys.
and turning to noah, i choked up and thanked him for making
it something that people would want to pick up.
and told him how important it was, to me....and maybe....
just maybe to someone else.

and then i squealed about it on facebook.
a friend saw the squeal and immediately called me.

if i had any doubts as to what the book meant to me,
she removed them.
pouring love thru the phone lines she was ecstatic for me.
choking up herself, she reminded me of how great this was.
and more than once, she brought the tears to my eyes and
moved me with her love and her caring....and her belief in me.

i don't feel so lost this morning.
it's been rough inside me lately.
can't say i'm 100% confident - but i can say that i feel
like i'm turning my eyes in the right direction and that
i'm really really remembering that my heart will guide me.

oh...and the book? it's called 'her white tree.'
i couldn't love the title any more.

life with gorillas

okay, i think this is really funny.
had to share.

lunch time around here is mostly when we gather
and catch up now. josh stops on his way to work,
and we all sit down together.

we had just enjoyed a really good natured fun lunch
and gotten back to life. the energy between everyone
was really good. there had been a lot of laughing.

which is prolly why i figured everyone was still goofin'
around.

i was moving our laundry over....wet stuff into the
dryer, when the washer started really moving around.
i had been leaning in it, but stood up and was amazed
at how much it was moving.

noah and josh were still up in the kitchen. the walls
are shared between the kitchen and where my washer and dryer are.
well, sorta.

i just figured they were REALLY horseplaying and somehow
moving the area i was in.

i looked up and the walls were moving!

my brain was just moving on from the 'wow, they are
so strong, they're movin' the darn walls' to 'hmmmmm.
this is more than horseplaying. they must be doin' something
awfully big down at the base. what on earth could they
be doing??'

(we have a naval base down the road and frequently feel
the booms go thru.)

then i heard josh yelling to get out of the house.....
still, having no idea why, but following cause it seemed
like a good idea....i followed them out.

i think it was as i was headin' out the kitchen door it
finally occurred to me it was an earthquake. and THAT'S
when my knees got shaky.

i ran right down to check on my neighbor so we could look
wide-eyed at each other and say 'wow.' together.

when i came home we all shared stories of what we thought.

noah said he was standing at the fridge and the whole
fridge was moving. and he thought for sure zakk was shaking it.

then he looked up at the ceiling, saw that moving, and knew
what was up.

i keep laughing about that.

the fact that both noah and i thought these gorilla guys of
mine were responsible for the movements.

every time i think of that, i laugh.

life with gorillas....you look at everything in a different way.

this time, it did me a lotta good as i didn't get shaky til
it was all over.

i have never been in a real catastrophe. and i hope never to be
in one.

this tiny little taste made me think about just how traumatic
a really big earthquake or any disaster would be.

your world is truly shaken. and i don't mean that as a bad pun.

feeling very grateful right now,
and laughing at life with gorillas......

cookie time.....

'this isn't another mid-life crisis thing, is it?!'

'no. no. no. i already did that. you can't just do another.
and besides, it just can't land like that on you one day.
it can't work that way.'

'maybe it's like a little pothole you fell into.
a pothole on the planet 'midlife-crisis.' maybe you haven't
quite gotten off, you've gotten on solid ground, and then
you hit a pothole.'

and the conversation continued as i walked my heart out.

one thing i've noticed, i can't exercise enough.

it's like i'm trying to exercise whatever's in me out.

don't think it works that way.

but i remember trying it for about a month a few years ago.
couldn't get on the treadmill enough. when i'd start to
feel that insane feeling, i'd just go hop on.

i recognize the feeling from then. same insane feeling.

great. great. that one lasted about a month.
great. great. great.

so,okay. where's little terri in all this?

bob had just recently commented that she seemed in deep cover.
yeah, that felt about right.

maybe that's the problem.

the chicken or the egg? is she hiding cause i'm struggling or
am i struggling cause she's hiding????

lately, i've been asking myself a lot what the point of life is.

what is the darn point? what is it i want out of it all???

walkin' this morning i thought maybe it's just to be connected
with her. my inner child. maybe when i'm connected with her,
i'm at peace and i'm whole....

yeah, i know......there's prolly more to the point of life.
but......i'm gonna start with this, i think.
cause i'm not sure where else to start.

so, today, i'm workin' on findin' her again.

i asked myself what would feel good to do today. and believe it or
not, 'cooking' came to mind.

cooking is what i do when i just want to feel my home and my family.
when i want to remember when life was more stable for me. when i just
want to touch what 'normal' used to feel like.

okay, i can do that, i thought. BUT i gotta make something just to
connect to my inner child.

cookies.

definitely on the list.

cookies.

my guess

got a comment on the blog below that had me thinking this morning.

she mentioned that she could do the light thing (you know - cover
people in light and love) to people she didn't know well or who
she liked... but had trouble doin' that for people who had hurt
her or betrayed her or she didn't like.

oh man.
no kidding.
totally understand that one.

then she asked if i had any advice on how to 'do better.'

and i smiled.

thought it would be a good thing to mull around a bit this morning.

the 'do better' part made me think of me.

i'm forever tryin' to 'do better.'

and i miss in me what i saw in this person just from her comment.....
she's doin' good already!!!

the fact that we're TRYING to cover people in light and love -
INCLUDING the ones who have hurt us and betrayed us, is pretty
darn awesome!

so my first thought is we forget to look at that part.
or at least...i do.
i forget that a lot.

and so i wanted to start there.

and then i thought about something i've struggled with for years
and years.

i can forgive someone who hurt me.
i think i can mostly do that. maybe.
but how about the person who continues to hurt, who doesn't stop,
isn't sorry, and keeps on with it???

THAT person.

how on earth do i forgive him???

i don't have much of an answer for it, but the little one i have
seems to connect with the light question....

it's this -

i have to remember to wrap myself in compassion, love and light.

and the 'compassion' part of that is real important.
it's necessary.

i think i get lost in the thought that i HAVE to wrap people in
light, i HAVE to forgive them, and then i struggle when i can't.
and i don't remember that i'm one of those people!

i get lost in the 'other people' part of the deal.

i truly believe i was raised that way.
always look to the other.
always take care of the other.

and then when i grew up, i believed that doing things like wrapping
them in light and forgiving them was helping me too so it was a
good, good thing.

and yes! i think that's true.

BUT! there's a part in that thinking that gets left out.
the part that gets left out is ME.
in that thinking i'm just a side deal in it all.
i'll do this to help them, and i'll help myself in the process.

i now believe that i shouldn't be the side deal.

i can work on me first.
i NEED to work on me first.

and that, for me, is not a natural concept.

someone hurt me? betrayed me? left a deep wound in me?
what have i done with my wound?

i think i need to heal that before i can expect the rest from me.

so....that all kinda got stirred from the comment. (thank you!)

and i guess my bottom line is, recognize that you're doin' good,
and wrap yourself in light and love and compassion for a bit.
i think then the other stuff follows......

that'd be my guess anyway.......

her

she walked by me yesterday.

i just saw the backside of her.

the skirty kinda shorts that just barely covered her,
and i mean JUST barely.
the shoes with heels i'd never be able to walk in,
her shins with the muscles that showed she walked
in them or similar ones a lot. the whole outfit
screaming 'hurt me and use me, i'm right here.'

she was tough and she was hard. and she looked like
she was headin' to a street corner to go hang out on.

she was with a guy.

he wasn't interested. he walked two steps ahead and to the side,
paying no attention. filled with an attitude himself -
'i've had her, don't need her now, whatever.'

they were an african american couple, getting into a cadillac
with D.C. plates.

they drove by me and i saw her big huge hoop earrings glimmering
in the car.

i wondered what her journey had been.
i cringed when i thought of what some of her experiences
had been like.
and i wondered what her childhood had been like and how
long did she have to be an innocent kid.

i doubted very long.

she was gone, and i went back to my evening.

by the time i climbed into bed last nite, i was about as tired
as ya get. i curled in, pulled the covers up close, and just
lay there thinking.

and she came into my mind.

i wondered where she was.
again, i cringed.

nowhere i'd want to be, that i was sure.

i wondered how long it would take if you sat us both at a
table and uncovered the layers of each of us, how long would
it take us to find each other in the other one?

and then i pictured her and wrapped her in light.
from the very bottom of those shoes of hers to the top of her
head, i wrapped her in light and wished her safe.

the world is one heck of a complicated place to be.....

some good weekend quotes....

i post quotes around me all the time.
and then when they're there for awhile, i forget to
look at them.

this morning, i noticed one of the three i have at the top
of my calender had ripped and needed to be taped down.

so i noticed them.
three of them.

and i read each one as if for the first time....

thought i'd share......

think i may just stick these in my pocket today.

'when we are willing to be ignited by the raw experience
of our own vulnerability, our very fears become the
alchemical fuel for this holy dancing light.'

WOE.
woe.
woe.

'the sucess of love is in the loving - it is not in the
result of the loving. of course it is natural to want the
best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way
or not does not determine the value of what we have done.'

and the final goodie........

'to give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love
without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream in spite of your
fears.'

sigh.

i don't know what happened this week that started things
inside of me, but it's been one of the hardest weeks i can
remember in a very long time.

all three of these quotes help.
and i've been thinking the whole time, that this churning
is getting me somewhere, and that it's necessary, and that
when it's done i will have gone forward.

looking forward to the moment i see that's the case!

startin' again...

when i first split up in my marriage all those years ago,
i kept telling myself to look within.
to find my answers and fill my needs from within.

i have worked for ten years on that kinda thing.

when i find myself looking outside myself for answers,
i try to reel myself back in and remember that what
i need is inside of me.

you would think i'd be good at it by now.

but i tell ya, i just sat here and had to grab myself by
the shoulders sit myself down and look myself in the eyes.

ter.
ter.
ter.

stop it.

stop looking outside yourself for answers.

stop it.

i thought of what i wanted.

okay.

so give it to yourself.

okay.

okay.

okay.

i can do that.

and so ONCE AGAIN i start over....

my spot....

i had decided i'd wait til noon to call him.
that way if he had a late nite, he could sleep in,
or if he was at work, maybe i'd hit his lunch hour...

at 11:30 he knocked on my studio door.

i hopped up and dragged him inside.

it was my neighbor.
the one who had the ambulance visit.

the guys heard him and came on in to get
the scoop and offer help. i smiled at them
as they came in. they've always liked this guy.

we all huddled in to hear what was up with his mom.
turns out she did break her hip and was in the
hospital.

so much for our report of nothing was wrong the
nite before.

i apologized to him.
told him we had been told everything was okay,
and just came back home.

he told of hangin' at the hospital most of the nite.

okay. lesson learned there.
don't listen to the ambulance guys.
or at least grill them better.

we stood around and talked a bit, he told a few stories.
he's one of the best story tellers i know.
don't know why.
but i love when he tells a story.

and he always makes me laugh.
even when we're talkin' about tough life stuff.
it's been that way for years.
and i treasure it.

he leaned over, gave me hug, a kiss on the cheek,
and off he went. i truly like the warmth he gives out.
he had been to a few neighbors filling them in.

now the neighborhood knew what was goin' on.

my elderly neighbor called me to fill me in
in case i didn't know. we talked of what we could
do to help.

i saw my neighbor across the street out talkin'
with him for a long time.

i smiled as i walked by the living room window
and saw them.

'THERE'S my neighborhood' i thought.'
it's filled with some really good caring people.

this morning as i walked, i soaked up my neighborhood.
i really do like it here.
i really do.

i like that my neighbor comes over and fills me in,
hugs me and makes me laugh. i like that i see the
different neighbors talking to each other and laughing with each other
and checking in on each other.

i just kept walking this morning.
i wanted to be out in it.
i wanted to just feel it and hold it.
and so i just kept walking.
looking at the cracks in the street, the messed up asphalt,
the unkept lawns, the tiny houses....
the people driving to work and waving...

my spot on the planet.

i needed it this morning.
sometimes you just need to soak up your spot.

and the demons danced...

wow.
it's been one heck of a hard day today with my insides.
it's been a long time since i can remember one this hard.

it's like every demon inside of me woke up today
and decided to take a walk all over my heart, my face,
my feelings, me.

whew.

but here's the good news.....

i knew it.

i knew what was goin' on.

i walked thru my house at one point and thought
'wow, i am having a REALLY REALLY hard time.'

and this evening, when i was all alone in the house,
i snuggled in with a book and just totally relaxed
and left into the land of stories.

actually, before that, i was so wiped out, i couldn't
even keep my eyes open and i closed them for about
15 minutes before i even had the energy to read.

pretty wiped out.

and now?
i feel soooooo much better.

still got a few things i gotta deal with,
still gonna be struggling to work some kinks out in
my world....

but that's nothing compared to demons.

and.......and.......i think the demons did their dance and left.

whew.

and the only thing i can think of that let them leave
is that i let them stay.

i knew they were here.
i watched them.
i buckled under their dances.
i had to lay down twice.

but i just watched them.
(well, after a bit....)

and now they feel gone.

wow.

i'm trying to figure out why.

earlier in the day i was in a wrestling match with them.
i mean, a serious wrestling match.

i could feel it inside of me.
and i was just beat.

but then.....i just stopped and let them be.

i stopped wrestling.

and i waited.

and now i sit here knowing they're gone and i'm
scratchin' my head saying 'huh??'

and feelin' pretty darn tickled.

who can figure this stuff out....
i certainly can't.

bob says they came in because i'm worn down and feelin'
some self doubt....

could be.

could be they wandered on in when they saw that crack in the door....

but as strongly as i felt their presence,
i now feel their absence.

i thought it was worth throwing out here......
maybe we need to just not wrestle....
maybe we need to just wait.....
just wait........

i'm thinking i'm gonna sleep good tonite.....

one heck of a news story...

i am so not violent.
i just cringe at all the hurt we do to each other.

so i was a little surprised at my delight in reading this
article that a friend had posted on face book....

the bottom line was that some really creepy sick guy was bothering
a 13 year old and the girl ran to her mom and told her.

the guy was supremely creepy and went on to tell her mom what
he wanted to do to the daughter.

and the mom punched him the face.
over and over and over again.

they had to take him to the hospital.

and i sat there wanting to clap as i read this.

she punched him over and over again in the face.

i thought of the guy who molested me and probably went on to a whole
line of other little girls. how i never told my parents til after i
had children. i have no idea where he is or what he does.

of my friend's angst in how to deal with the guy who molested her,
how she struggles so much in trying to get some peace in what to do
with it all.

of the church's passing child molester after child molester on so they
can keep at it.

i have spent years, and i mean YEARS trying to find forgiveness,
understanding, compassion....

and i think that's necessary and right.

but so was the punch in the face.

that was so so right.

something's happening inside of me with watching all the pain in the
world over twisted sexual abuse.

i can feel it growing inside of me, and i know it will lead me somewhere.

not sure where.
not sure what it's all about.

but this i know.......

that mom rocked my world this morning.
and she reminded me that women need to take their power back.
and i know we're workin' on it.
i know we are.

and i know something's growin' inside of me....

more reminders....

i was all tucked in when i heard something go down the street.
it really sounded super large and odd so i noticed.
josh was in the kitchen, he'd stopped for a snack on his way
home from work, and he heard it too.

i heard him go out the front door.

okay. my eyes opened.

hearing him walk back in, i hollered to him, still really hoping
it was just some big weird truck.

nope.
ambulance next door.

next door to me is a guy my age and his elderly mom.
this isn't the 'elderly neighbor' i keep an eye on. this
is yet another elderly woman.

i got out of bed, slipped some jeans on under my nite shirt
and walked across my yard.

the ambulance lights were blinking and you could feel that whole
buzz you feel when an ambulance is parked nearby and its still
running.

josh and i decided to stand in the driveway next to them,
which happened to be the elderly neighbor's driveway that i visit.
i knocked on her door, hollered it was terri, figuring she was
close by wonderin' what was goin' on.

her lights were on, but she never came out.

and josh and i stood in the driveway looking at the other driveway
and the ambulance and the lights.

josh looked at me. 'is this ghoulish??' he asked.
i grinned. 'you mean are we like ambulance chasers??'
i knew it was weird to just stand there, but i told him that i wanted
to offer help if they needed it and it seemed weirder to me to just
stay inside and act like nothing was going on.

'if he needs me, i want to be there for him,' i told josh. speaking
of the guy my age who lived there.

'remember when we had that ambulance outside our house? he came right
over to see what he could do. he's ALWAYS been the one to call in the
middle of the nite when something happens...he's always there.'

and then i looked at all the other houses that were dark with no one
coming out. 'what's up with that?' i asked. 'aren't we kinda all in
this together?' but then i remembered i had been in bed...maybe they
didn't know either...that's what i was going to believe. cause it's
a good group of people on my street.

so there josh and i stood.
in the dark.
lights flashing.
quietly.
not talking.
just waiting.

'this is the way it works,' i thought.
'you go about your business, then it changes. just like that.
it changes.'

i was lost in thoughts of life and coping and the brevity of it all.

apparently josh was lost in his own similar thoughts,
cause he reached over and gently touched my hair.

'oh great.' i thought.
'in his head i'm the elderly mother in this story.'

oh great.

i could see josh thinking i was getting old, how long was
i gonna be here, this would be me soon....i saw that all in his
eyes when i looked over at him.

and i gotta tell ya, it didn't do much for me!
i laugh as i type this...but oh man, i didn't laugh last nite
when i saw that in his eyes.

talk about unsettling.
i remember when i used to look at my parents that way.
oh great.

just great.

all was fine. just a little scare with a slight fall, and our
neighbor was fine. relieved, we headed back home.

i climbed back in bed thinking of josh's look.

and no, i didn't sleep good last nite.

this morning i look ahead at my day.
and i am reminded yet again what a gift it is.

heroes and weeds and hunks of insecurities

i was sitting on my floor wrapping an order when the song
came from the next room.

it was one about heroes.

i stopped wrapping the bubble wrap and just sat and listened.

and i could feel my insides just ache.

i so wanted a hero right then.

a hero for everything.
not just my life...altho, that would be a great place to start...
but everywhere...with politics, with the world, the economy,
and yeah, with my life too.

someone who would just swoop in and fix everything.

it got me thinking about heroes. i have lotsa people i call heroes
for what they do in life, and i think they are very heroic.
but what i was thinking of was that longing for that one to swoop
on in and just 'fix it.'

and i realized i always picture a male doing that.
hmmmm...could be some disney movie influence here........

i posted on facebook and google+ shouting out to any men out there.
i wondered if they looked for heroes like that, and if so, were they
male or female?

interestingly enough, the only two males that showed up were two of
my sons. both with interesting comments. josh ended up with the idea
that a hero would just rob him of his own power to do what needed to be
done, and noah ended up with what he maybe really looked for was the
inspiration.

ahhh...that's my boys.

so this morning, as i pulled weeds out in the morning air, trying to
get grounded, i thought of heroes. i thought of what the guys had said.

and i whined and argued and stomped my inner feet....cause i didn't
want to be inspired, or use my own power. i wanted a hero more than
ever as i pulled those weeds.

i thought of something a friend said yesterday....wondering why it was
all such a mess for herself right now as all she wanted to do was what
was right and what would heal her. she had pure, good intentions.
so why was it all so hard? i was totally relating.

yeah.
yeah.
why???
i wondered as i pulled and the dirt came flying up in my face.

do intentions matter???
i argued that, and got a few good weeds out over that one.
yes they matter to your insides. they matter to what's goin on inside of you.
no they don't matter to your outsides. people put their own spin on everything
you do. (and my gosh, that frustrates me)
but yeah...intentions have to help too....cause some people get it.
but what a drag when they don't.
back and forth i went.

what the heck matters??? i wondered as i pulled out a big fat weed
and looked up in the sky for superman to please please just come get me.

i looked back down at the weeds.
'he's not coming, ter. it's just you.'

just you.

be inspired.
be frustrated.
be sad.
be grateful.
it's up to you what you do.

you are your own hero.

great.
just great.
i wasn't thrilled.

but then....i felt something inside.

i stopped to listen.

and then...

this quiet, deep kinda thing came over me.
i'm not in the mood to be inspired.
the bouncy-this-is-so-awesome kinda inspiration.
just not in the mood for that.

and thankfully, that wasn't it.
it was deep.
it was quiet.
and it was determined.

you can do it.
look what you've done.
look what you've done, girl.

right now, for whatever reason, you gotta do it
on your own. and you know what? you've done that before.
and you know what? that's where the gold is.

and gold or not, the fact that you have done this before
and that you can do it again, rocks.

that in itself is gold.

and then....the most amazing thing happened.......

i took my insecurity and put it in the weed bucket.
it's sittin in there with the weeds.

i didn't even know that i had a hunk of insecurity i could move
around like that. but there it was. and i saw i didn't need
it or want it right now.

wow.
i saw it.
was amazed at this hunk of a thing.
and then put it with the weeds.

what a feeling.
it was so cool.

and then i took me and my confidence and headed back inside.
with a quiet, deep sense of being on my own, and knowing that's
as it should be right now....

and a quiet deep sense of there are no heroes...
at least the kinda i'm looking for...
not even in me.

and that's probably really okay.

commitment

this one's so on my mind today....
i keep reading the quote -

it is in the commitment to trust
that mountains begin to move.
it is in the commitment to love,
that walls begin to crumble,
and it is in the commitment
to one's self
that worlds unimagined
begin to become real.


i'm workin' on it all today.......

walkin' the lesson....

oh yeah, yeah, yeah....

i'm a big talker on things like choices and
creating your own reality and stuff like that.
throw in a standard line of 'life is change' and
i've got some great thoughts.

can i live them tho?
ah yes...that's the question.

so i took myself out on a walk yesterday evening and had
a talkin' to myself.

it was good, got me pointed in the right direction with
my life. but you know how it goes, it's real easy to
just keep turning back around.

i had to do a lot of grabbing myself by the shoulders
and turning myself back in the right direction.
over and over.

as i curled into bed last nite i thought about change.
it's gonna happen whether you co-operate or not.
prolly better to co-operate.

and then as if to cement the thought, i went out for my
walk this morning. you wouldn't think it'd be that hard
to take a quiet walk early in the morning.

well so many different things happened that made me change
course over and over again, that i couldn't miss the humor.
it woulda been real easy not to have taken the walk at all,
to have headed back in after the first couple of minutes.
but i didn't want to miss it. it was so pretty out. so i
kept goin', and i kept changin' course as i went.

and i smiled as i went.

change.....flexibility.......wanting to experience it all
enough that you keep goin' and you change course when you
need to.....

it was all too perfect.

that's life, isn't it?
and probably what makes it so darn cool.
i'm in.
wholeheartedly in.....

a new look!

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come check it out!

just the way it works....

change.
change.
change.

life is full of change.

relationships are constantly changing.

it's all fluid or flux or something.

and it ain't all easy, is it?

it was another theme day.
where everything seemed to be about the same theme.

changing relationships was the course for the day.

i'm startin' to get a little aggravated that my education
didn't include any of these basic concepts. how old is
civilization anyway? doesn't it occur to us to teach this
stuff? or at LEAST to NOT teach the opposite of the truth???

i somehow grew up thinking life is supposed to be steady and
the same. relationships staying the same forever.

there should be tests thru-out life at certain times.
age ten, age 16, 18, 21, 25....just constant check ins to make
sure you're getting some of the basics straight about life.

relationships changing woulda been a good standard question.

i heard myself talkin' yesterday...talkin' about anger.

'you can drop the anger, it's only hurting you. if you're
keeping it to make sure that you know the relationship's
changed, you don't need it. it changed. it will never be
the same. that's just the way it is. anger doesn't add anything
to that.'

i saw his face visibly relax.
he knew it was true.

we forget things really do change with or without us.

and we forget that they change again.
and again.
and again.
and again.

i listened to her happy voice. finding 'true love' has brought
such joy for her. the other times weren't 'true.' and she can
so feel the difference.

i can buy that. hopefully we learn as we go along and things get
healthier and better.

that's the hope.

but even those things change.
we forget that.

walkin' i thought of all the different 'departments' of my life.
business owner, partner to my guy, mother to my sons, daughter,
sister, friend....all of those pieces of my life...they've all
changed in so many ways. that's good to know and accept.
but the thing to keep remembering is that they KEEP changing.

they won't stop changing.

i think i read somewhere that we're either growing or dying.
i think that's just one of those basic rules of life.

and i guess the changes we feel are taking us in either one of
those directions. that might help to see which way the changes
are leading us. and use that knowledge when we deal with them.

are we growing or are we dying in the different places?
what is it we need to let die?
what is it we need to grow?

when i stop and look at those questions, it really helps me see better.

and here's a good one....if we just can't figure it out....to just
watch. cause the changes will eventually make it very very clear.

letting the magic lead....

i have no word for it but 'magic.'

to me it's magical.

one of those happenings that the logical call 'coincidence'
the religious call 'god'
and i call 'magical.'

some world stuff had me churning inside,
really deeply churning.
so deep i was quiet about it.
the deeper for me, the quieter i get about it.

i had let it leak out a bit with two different people,
but the only one i truly told about it was 'the uinverse'....
and i put it out there i wanted to help, and asked for
some sort of guidance.

and then i let it go.

that was last week.

yesterday my answer landed in my email.

it'd been awhile since i had gotten hit that hard by the
way that works.

i had forgotten, i guess.

cause when it happened, my insides were just knocked silly.

to me, it was obvious that this was no coincidence.

sitting in the passenger seat just a few minutes later,
driving along a back road, i looked out the window at the
trees. i was so full of gratitude for being guided,
i could feel it in every little bit of me.
and i thanked whatever the heck did the guiding.

and i held the magic of life.

i really really held it.
with gratitude.

and that's what i'm holding on to this morning.
it's been an emotion packed few days for me,
too much in fact.
i need a break.
today, i'm taking that break and i'm holding the magic.
that's my plan.

to quietly go about my day, holding this magic close
to my heart.

cause i so believe in it.

and i drop it way too many times.

and i forget.

not today.
today i'm gonna let it lead me.

a safe place....

everyone needs a safe place.
a really really safe place that's all theirs.

my studio is my haven, my hide out, my fortress,
my safe place.

it's nice my whole house feels that way to me.
but my studio is the main spot i go to get lost
and hide.

i found myself headin' straight here today.

i noticed that in the rest of the house i think.
'specially my room.
i think a lot up there.

the theory goes that since my emotions are so intense,
(just happens to be my personality type) that i spend a
lot of time trying to figure them out so that i can cope.

prolly true theory, prolly dumb idea.

it reminds me of my not so bright plan with my pregnancies.
having a few miscarriages in my history, i remember the
thinking i had - don't tell anyone you're pregnant so that if
it 'doesn't work out' early on, you won't have to tell anyone
and it will be easier.

oh yeah. like that worked.

i'm not so sure the thinking things thru and figuring them out
helps a whole lot.

feelings are feelings.
no matter why you have them, or what great reasoning you apply
to them or how much you share them or hide them from others.
feelings are feelings.

and sometimes i just need a place to let them rest.

the other nite i got into bed cursing my intuition. i was sick
over something i saw and no one else could see. hoped i was wrong,
knew i wasn't, tried to ignore the sick stomach, and tell myself
who really knew anything, just go to sleep.
didn't work.
i woke up thinking about it all.

i think my room is my think box.

oh, i got it....it's the brains of my house. the place where i
think.

the kitchen's gotta be the heart.
maybe the stomach....

and my studio...the womb.

oh yeah. absolutely.

i'm curled in this morning and feelin' grateful
that i have a place that feels this comforting to me.

everyone needs a safe place.

a meander

there is gold in sitting by an open window, feeling a cool breeze
come thru. a motorcycle roars off in the distance and some bird
out there just keeps at it's call. definitely feels good.

i've been doin' some life thinking. and then apparently, life dreaming.
dreams were full last nite.

just been kinda wondering what it's all about and what's the point
and all that kinda stuff.

one thing led to another, and i had a thought.

it probably sounds like an insignificant thought.
but for me, this morning, it felt really good.

there's a whole lotta different kinda life styles and ways of
living and philosophizing and being...

and i'm thinking every single one of those ways is filled with
its own struggles, its own moments of discouragement that bring
us to wondering what they heck the point is.

i don't get why some people pick the life style they do.
always thought they were mistaken.like if they knew better they'd
choose differently.
if you knew life was based on love, you wouldn't do that.
that kinda thinking.....
i kinda changed gears this morning.

i really saw how we all see things differently. we all carry
such different experiences inside of us.
and i realized that people are truly picking based on what's
inside of them.

and we're all different inside.

and yet, we're all the same.
which is why their life style, my life style, your life style,
all brings us to the same stuff. even if the outside stuff is way
different.

don't we all end up sitting on our back porch at some point
wondering what the heck we're doin' and why???

suddenly everyone's life styles seemed the same to me.
i don't know how to explain it, but i saw so clearly how we
all travel the same stuff....no matter what it looks like on
the outside. and the outside stuff didn't matter at all.
that's our vehicles to get to the inside stuff.

i've never seen it quite like this before.

like this guy over here, he needs this lifestyle that i think
has got to be obnoxious. he needs that. that's what will speak
to him. this one here, she needs this particular lifestyle, that's
where she'll find her gold. they've created it. it's what speaks
to them.

it was just really cool to see that. everyone's lifestyle was
equally as cool because it could bring the person to where they
needed to go inside.

i don't even know how to communicate this thought. i was fascinated by it.

so there i sat on my back porch wondering about life,
what i'm doin' with it and what's the point.

i've been wondering that a bit lately.
it's been whispering thru me the last week,
and then seemed to kinda just come in and land.

i don't know what the heck i'm doin' and why.
i'm a little bit discouraged about that.
but not overwhelmingly so.
just enough to be a bit haunted but still functioning.

and i had this thought......about lifestyles.

well, while i'm tryin' to figure out what the heck i'm doing and
why....i thought of my lifestyle.
i sure do love where i'm at while i'm figuring.
i came in from breakfast on my back porch,
stood in my kitchen and just looked around the room.
it makes me feel good in here.

and as i sit by this open window, i remember the gold in a cool
breeze and a bird making a racket.....and i'm glad i'm here.

i have no idea what the heck i'm doin' and why.
but i'm sure glad i've got a cozy home to snuggle into and ponder it....

that part feels really good.

turning inward

it's only taken me forever to figure out that once around
the block just doesn't work for me. thank goodness i started
goin' around and around. it feels sooooooo good.

took the first two go arounds just to clear my head.

one to get cosmic. and one to have my heart tugged.

wonder what woulda happened if i kept at it!

on my last round, i passed two young guys.
absolutely beautiful young men. light skinned black,
great dreadlocks, and beautiful faces.

unfortunately they had been drinking too much, and were
still at it.

as i walked towards them, i reminded myself they could be
my sons. i always tell myself that when i'm walkin' towards
guys that are bigger than me.

and when i got up close and saw how beautiful they were,
i really thought about how they could be my sons.

they had the gorgeousness of youth, ya know? great smiles.
just as i was getting ready to give them a friendly
good morning, they gave me one first. big smiles. of course,
whatever they were drinking may have helped that.
but still....

i looked into their faces.
they looked like really good, really lost guys.

they just had 'lost' in their eyes.

i thought of all they could be doing this morning.
with all that youth, strength and potential.

and my heart got tugged.

i wanted to go mother them and laughed at myself.
that just won't work, ter.

you can't even mother your own sons anymore.
gotta let them all be.

i had a dream i woke up to. not sure what it was all about.
just know the sentence i woke up to was me saying that i'd
do the mothering thing all over again in a heartbeat if i could,
only this time i'd do it better.

that's what i woke up to.

well, i think the only one i get to keep mothering is myself.

hmmmmmm.....

you're such a believer in potential, ter, you're such a believer in
nurturing...hmmmm.....

and once again i turn inward...

seeing

i keep thinking about him.

i called him last nite. it'd been awhile.
i hadn't even talked to him about bein' engaged to his
nephew. he had heard, but i had yet to squeal in person.

so i checked in.
he was in a great mood.
one of the best i've ever heard.
we laughed a lot.

we talked of being 'official' family.
he told me i'd be his favorite family member and
he thanked me for accepting the marriage proposal.
i laughed. 'my pleasure!' i said.

we started laughing about when we first met.
he tells the story often.
he gets his voice in that certain tone and says
'when you hugged me like that, i just thought you
were a pick pocket.'

i've heard it before, and i've laughed before.
but last nite i asked 'did you REALLY think that??'

he said it went right thru his mind.

i asked 'did you check your wallet after we hugged?'

and you know what???

HE DID!

oh we laughed.
hard.
i haven't laughed that hard over it before.
but we were just feeling good and laughin' extra hard.
it was wonderful.

he told me how ashamed he was later.
but how no one had ever done that before to him.

hug him???

well....a stranger hug him like that, he said.

and then he told me again how he wasn't raised with
any affection.

then he said later i had told him that i 'wanted to hug the world'
and he understood that i was only acting from good intentions.

wow.
i can't even imagine being suspicious of a hug from me.
i mean, really. it's me.

but it says so much about where he's been.
and we talked of that.

and somewhere along the line, i asked him about how he saw himself.
did he see the good heart, the really smart mind?

no. he didn't see.

so we talked of that.
i told him i understood about baggage and all that,
but that we needed to look at what was really there.
i talked about how clear and sharp his mind was. how he
knew SO much and was so smart.

and then i asked him how he figures he came out of what he
came out of with a good heart. where did he think that came
from?

he hadn't ever thought of it before.

'homework,' i told him.

'when you get ready to go to sleep tonite, why not think about
who you really are?'

i just called and left a message on his machine.
reminding him of his homework.
reminding him of his smarts and his good heart.

he's eighty years old. (at least) and he doesn't really see himself.
ohmygosh.

we are the weirdest creatures, aren't we?
why is it so hard for us to see?

i'm starting to see. and now i'm like a born again see-er!
we all need to look! i want to go to everyone i see, grab them
and say 'have you seen???'

laughing....that's prolly not real helpful.

but i can't get him off my mind this morning......
and i'm just so glad we had the conversation we did.

every little bit has got to help.

part of the light

a lotta people i care about are struggling right now.
big time struggling that i can't help with.

i went out this morning with one friend on my mind.
his comment 'it's bad, terri, i haven't eaten in days,
and i just can't sleep.' was ringing in my head.

i stopped to say hi to my elderly neighbor.
she looked so incredibly sad this morning.
health issues/challenges facing her totally getting her down.

i left her and walked fast. wanted to walk all the pain
and struggle right out of me.

i walked a bit just processing it all.
i walked faster.
i just wasn't thrilled with life being so darn hard.

and then my mind went back to bob asking me to marry him.
don't know why. and truth is, i don't keep goin' back to
that memory, altho i should! but there i was remembering it
all of a sudden. and i was so glad i did.

i felt really good. it's a really good memory. and i just
felt so good inside.

and then i thought about all the pain and struggle that got
me/us to that point of such incredible love.

i really really saw how it meant so much to me because of
that very pain and struggle. i totally knew the value of what
was goin' on between us because of the hard stuff that had happened
in my past.

okay, ter....it all works together.
it's all one big glob.
you've got to have it all.
don't curse the darkness....
it's somehow part of the light.

i need to remember that.

morning thoughts

i got to thinking this morning.
i was marveling at the extremes i see with people around me.
and i think because of what i do, i get some good glimpses
at the extremes.

a lot of people come thru bone sighs who are suffering.
many of those people are new to finding their self worth.
many of those people have trouble even liking themselves.

so i see a lot of those feelings. people struggling to just
find some good in themselves.

and then, on the other end, i see the people who work
with the ones who are suffering. people who refer to themselves
as healers, shamans, whatevers. many of these people seem to
have gotten stuck on the self love and then twisted it a bit into self
importance and then kinda gotten stuck there.
obviously, not all of them. but i do see a good bit of it.

how weird, i thought.
how come we just can't see a bit more balanced?
how come it's so hard to see our self worth and then not get
twisted with self importance?

and then i read something kinda cool in this book i love which
i think i'm gonna have to reread -

'fearlessness comes when you make a commitment to be who you fully
are. i may abandon myself to prevent others from alienating themselves
from me! instead of saying 'i do not want people to know that i am
this way because then they will not like me,' i may begin to say,
'i want them to know exactly how i am because my commitment is to
becoming myself more than to having them like me. i want everybody
to know who i really am, so i drop all the poses that i have adopted
to look good.' a wonderful poise results: fearlessness.'

(david richo, when love meets fear)

i got to thinking about that making a commitment to who you fully are
stuff. i think that's really key. if you do that, you've got to see
your value, and if you can keep your eye on that, i don't think you'd
get lost in self importance.

i think maybe losing that goal gets us muddled - in either direction.

i'm really seeing how not valuing ourselves is just as bad as all the
darn pompous self importance. because neither is addressing the real.

to me, the real seems like it would be making a commitment to who
you fully are...and living that.

and that's what i'm chewin' on this morning......

a great thought...

read this today and had to share.....
and, yes! i just added this book to the little widget thing
on the side. i'm not very far, but i am so loving it!

'It is easy to become discouraged by life's challenges,
to ask, "Why is it so difficult to be human, why do I
have to go through this, why am I not more enlightened?"
In our despair we fail to appreciate the path quality
of human evolution. Enlightenment is not some ideal goal,
perfect state of mind, or spiritual realm on high, but
a journey that takes place on this earth. It is the process of
waking up to all of what we are and making a complete
relationship with that.'

-john welwood, toward a psychology of awakening

it's all in the heart......

i had this theory i came up with years ago -
the older we get the more we show on the outside who
we are on the inside.
we physically become what our heart is full of.

i actually got that idea in a negative way.
i saw someone just get uglier and uglier. her eyes
were just so hard to look at.
and i thought 'wow, it's like what's inside is coming out.'
and that's when the theory was born.

ever since then, i've watched.
i remember being captivated by an old, old woman.
she was radiant.
and i remember wondering how on earth she was so beautiful.
and then i remembered my theory.
her inside beauty was definitely on the outside.
her heart was shining all over her skin and face....or
maybe out of or thru or something....it was shining one way
or another and she was stunning.

i got to thinking of that last nite along with the idea of 'potential.'

i was thinking of a beautiful girl i grew up with
who now is so full of the negative in life. it comes out in her
politics and religion and what she spreads around.

i thought of her and how she 'had everything.'
she had all the potential any young girl could ever want.
she had the looks, the brains, the social skills...
but i guess maybe not so much the heart. i always thought
she was nice. so it wasn't like she had no heart. she was
nice. so she had SOME heart. maybe that got knocked about a bit
tho thru some of her rougher stuff.

and i wondered if the negative stuff was always in there.
or did it come about thru her trials?
i have no idea. i just know it's there now. and it colors
everything.

but it made me think of trials and potential.

potential...we have it all thru life. even when we're fifty.
we've still got potential. what's in our hearts is going to
create what we become. all the way to what we look like.
where we go is led by what's inside us.

everything about us gets touched and molded by our hearts.

and the trials...

the goal can't be just to get thru them.
the goal has to be to get thru them while strengthening the heart.
getting thru them and keeping our potential in mind.
not losing site of who we want to be.
using them as some kinda tools. soul shaping tools.
and if we can't get that far with them, at the very least,
not letting them take the goodness out of our hearts.

the timing of all this is perfect.
i have a challenge right now.
and i'm going to try to keep this in mind......

i was never your knock-out/head-turner young lady...
but i'm still holdin' out for the chance to be that
little wrinkly ol' lady that you do a double take at,
because somehow there's light coming out of her skin!

wouldn't that be so cool?!!

i do believe it's all in the heart......

in for the how......

as we drove to the store, he asked me a question about myself.
i was surprised he didn't know and then commented on all the things
we still don't know about each other.

and hence the game began. he'd ask me a question, then i'd ask him one.
back and forth. asking things we really didn't know about each other.

it started out slowly, but got really rolling as we sat and had
a drink outside under a canopy and watched a rain storm come
rolling in and then pour all around us.

i had been teasing him just before we pulled into the drink place.
and as we got out of the car in the parking lot, he had said
something teasing back asking how long you could really expect
a relationship to last. now the teasing had been something about
eight hundred years together, or something like that. but the line
he said...about how long....made me think.

that's always something i wonder.
having lost a marriage, i'm extra sensitive to that question.

how long is it that we really cherish each other? how long do we
still want to play the question game and learn more about each other?
i know all too well that it can totally die out and even the desire
to revive it is gone.

i cherish this man.
yesterday i showed him well.

i don't always.

yesterday i remembered how good it was to show him.
yesterday i remembered how it creates magic when i do.

it's like that with all of life, i think.
not just with your partner.

i think it's like that with every piece of life.
and i've been thinking about that this morning.

i'm workin today, cutting my elderly neighbor's hair today,
and goofin a bit with my sons today.

with each one of those things, i can create the magic that comes
with treasuring the moments. with treasuring the people and the work.

that's my goal today.
doesn't really matter how much i get done, how good that hair cut is,
or what i do with the guys.....the only thing that really matters
is HOW i do them all......

i'm in for the 'how' today......
cause i've been reminded that the how is everything....

appreciating

i wanted to say i've had some crash courses in certain lessons
in my life. but that's wrong, i think. cause i believe that
implies fast and intense.

mine have been very, very long and intense. very, very intense.
it's taken me forever to comprehend and understand. (hence the 'long'
part of the whole deal...)
and of course, i still only have this understanding for moments
and then lose it. but i am making progress.

the lesson i'm thinking of has showed itself in some really excruciating
ways for me. and it seems so basic. like it really wouldn't
cause that much pain if you didn't get it -

the lesson can be summed up like this - 'it's not yours to fix.'

how basic is that?
how hard is that?

but i guess if you throw in a couple of misguided thoughts
opposing that, it can get crazy.

start with 'it's mine to fix.' and then
throw in that certainly love can fix anything -
AND if something's wrong with anyone i'm dealing with,
then it's my fault. i haven't explained myself well enough,
i haven't thought it thru enough, i haven't acted kind enough.
it's my fault. and i'm bad for not doing better. in fact,
everyone else is basically good. just misguided at times.
it's me that's the problem.

mix all that together and you get some really great stages
for angst.

thing is...it is a learning thing. and that angst has been
a catalyst. it hasn't been a bad thing. not at all.

i've learned a great deal.

first of all, i'm thrilled to tell you that i don't believe
any of that any more.

none of it.

i sit here today wanting to rocket out of my chair with joy
for that fact.

i don't need to fix an unhealthy persons misconceptions.
i don't need to do that anymore.
i don't need to find my value from their understanding of me.

oh wow.
wow.

i'm okay just doin' my own thing and being my own person.
stuff still makes me sad.
but i've found my self worth in the whole journey of learning
'it's not mine to fix.'

life's struggles.....they're intense, they're hard, they're
discouraging......and they're some of the best things that
ever happen to us.

because of moments like this morning.
when you figure out that they brought you more understanding and
love for yourself.

feeling very very grateful for life and its processes today.....
even the long, intense, angst filled ones.......

diggin' the hormones and the whole deal...

i'm still on this weird hormone kick.
just watchin' and enjoyin' them.

headin' out for a walk this morning, i saw my elderly neighbor
gettin' her trash ready for the morning pick up.

i scooted up her driveway to give her a hand.

close to us was another neighbor out getting ready to
mow his lawn.

as i leaned in the trash can to tie her trash up,
she asked how i was doin' today.
with both our heads leaned in together, i spoke
thru the side of my mouth, as if i didn't want the guy
neighbor to hear and said - 'oh man, i got my period
and i'm so feelin' it this morning!'

she looked at me with that knowing look, and kidded
around a bit, low, so the guy wouldn't hear, and we
laughed like we were 16 years old.

i told her i'd be back, but if i sat down now, i'd never
get up, and i'd catch her on the way back.

setting her trash can down on the street, and headin' on
for my walk, i had the biggest grin on my face.

i thought about it.
i'm fifty years old.
she's eighty three.
and we're STILL whisperin' and jokin' about my period
like we're teenagers.

only, when i was a teenager, i didn't joke about it!!!

ah, the stuff that bonds women.

i'm diggin' the whole thing today, the mood...
even the cramps! yep! even the cramps.
i feel them and think about what my body's doin',
and i'm amazed.

i did take some aspirin.
yeah, i did.
but i'm thinking how lucky i am to be this healthy.

when i did come back around and sit with my neighbor,
we talked of how lucky we were just to be able to pay
our bills.

i told her i had forgotten that the other day, and gotten
discouraged. but then i remembered. it's really a hard
time right now. so many people are struggling. i've got
so much. and i need to remember that.

and then as i walked home feelin the cramps, heading for
the aspirin, it hit me again how lucky i was. my body is
doin' something really really funky amazing! and it does
this every darn month.

it's really pretty darn cool.
toasting the universe this morning!