workin' on gettin' good with it......

yesterday i took myself over to where i like to ride my bike,
but i left my bike at home and i walked my heart out.
i told myself it was too beautiful not to be out,
but i knew that i just needed to walk some sadness out.

there was such beauty all around me. i walked among the
trees with a little stream runnin' along right next to me for a
good part of it.

and the more i walked, the sadder i got.
that's not exactly how i had planned it. but i let myself go
and just feel.

and feel i did.

as i turned to head back, i did the practical 'okay, this is the way it is, where
does it leave you, what can you get out of it?'

it felt good to do both.
feel with all i had, and then try to work with what was there.
the sadness never left, but i was workin' on the focus.

this morning, i was out doin' it all over again.
only this time i didn't want to give so much room to the sadness.
i knew i had it, but i wanted more practical stuff today.
i was again workin' on the focus.

i had done a few loops around the block and was gettin' to where i was
feelin' pretty good, when a guy who lives in the neighborhood pulled up
and rolled his window down.

he asked me about my walkin and where i was walkin and gently told
me he didn't think i should walk in a certain area. i already knew it,
told him i had adjusted my walkin' to just around the block, and nodded
as he filled me in on some stuff i didn't know. drugs, guns, police...
we finished up, he pulled away, i turned to finish my walk.

and the tears just rolled down my face.
i couldn't stop them.
i couldn't believe it.
all thru yesterday's walk and the sadness, all thru the first few loops
of this walk, no tears. i was deeply sad and no tears.

tell me i can't walk where i mostly haven't been walkin' and i can't
stop crying.

i only go that way once in awhile when i just have to see the sky in a
certain way.

and i guess hearin' all i heard, i just won't do that anymore.

and it just felt like someone took something away from me.
my sky.

but i had already mostly known this.
why the reaction now?

i just wanted my sky.

you have your sky, ter.
look.

i walked faster, wiped the tears, sniffled an awful lot, and told myself
that life was about adapting.

adapt or die has been my slogan this last month.

adapt.
adapt.
adapt.

but it matters how you adapt, doesn't it?
tears are okay at first.
but somewhere along the line, you gotta get good with it.

and that goes for alotta things, ms. ter.

just mulling this morning......

a friend of mine is living a love story in her life right now.
i've been lucky enough to watch this beginning.
it's an unusual one. full of struggle right off the bat.
wouldn't wish it on anyone, and yet, this has been
really really amazing for me to watch. and i wonder if maybe
i really would wish this on someone.

she's a woman who's done a ton of inner work.
and she's been using the things she's learned along the way
to focus on what's going on inside of her and to work there.
not to lay every piece of the struggle on the guy who's
captured her heart.

and she's sharing the work with me.
so much of what i've been thru with bob relates, and
so i can cheer her on and understand and offer hope.

i watched a bump for her yesterday and shot out an encouraging note.

last nite, i had my own personal stuff goin' on for me.
none of it involved bob. and yet, all of it did. because it was the love
that he and i created that changed how i worked with this other stuff in
my life.

i had almost started down the 'self doubt' road.
one that certain things/certain people send me down really really easily.
one that i've gone down often. one that takes me to destructive places.
and i lifted a foot to turn in that direction.

and something just stopped me.
i didn't even put my foot down that way.
i turned it back opposite that, and said 'no. i'm not goin' there.'

and i knew i wasn't goin' there because of the love i have in my life.
it's changed me.

i didn't NEED to go down there.
i knew it'd do me no good.
and i didn't NEED the negative.

(and yeah, i think when you're not healthy, the negative calls you.
the less healthy, the more calling you hear...and everyone gets called
cause no one's THAT healthy....)

i've been thinking a whole lot about life/death/the point of it all/love.
a whole lot.

and here's something to add to the pieces i've collected so far -
love has changed me and made me better.
i don't know if 'better' is the right word........
'more me' might work more better.
'healthier' might work as well.

i thought of my friend and her bump earlier. wherever she goes with
this relationship, it doesn't matter. because it's making her more her.
in her trying to work with herself, she's becoming more and more healthy.

love can do that.
and so can struggle.
altho, you need love in the struggle, do you not?
and if you think there's no one there offering love in that struggle.....
don't even forget self love.

this love/life stuff is really fascinating me........

tossin' the past mode out......

a friend and i were just talking about how we look back at who we used to be
and are amazed we did some of the things we did, allowed the things we did,
and didn't set a the boundaries that we needed to.

we didn't know.
and we're amazed that we didn't know.

how could we not know?

we also commented that we see that in friends around us and we understand
now that you'll know when you know. and that when you're not ready, it
doesn't matter what someone else says to you. you have to find it yourself.

this thought echoed in my mind when i realized i wasn't intimidated by some
of the people i used to be intimidated by.

it's odd that it was hard for me to see that i wasn't.
i think it shows how much i operate in 'past mode.'

if i was intimidated before, then i'm gonna be intimidated again.
i just assume. and i have to actually make time to figure out
that's not the case.

uh-uh.
that's past mode.
certainly not present mode.

cause i've changed.
and i'm stronger.
and i see their issues along with mine.
and i don't see them as better any more.
i see them as human as i am.
and a lotta times, i see them stuck.
and i remember i don't want to be stuck.

i don't feel intimidated anymore.

and in all this thinking about what's the point of life, and living love
and all that stuff....being intimidated by people with issues, just doesn't
fit in.

learning from them does.
i can learn how to love.
how to offer love and kindness, i can learn how not to be stuck,
the importance of letting go and moving on...all kindsa things...

and i think that's the coolest thing.
past mode isn't good enough any more.
i want something that's moving me forward.

lacin' up my explorer boots...

i really like exploring.
it helps me a lot.
i realized that lately as i've watched myself settle in and just ponder.
 the weird thing is, i don't seem to be able to just say
'okay, i'm gonna explore now.' it seems to have a life of its own.

and it's in full force right now.
everything is research for me.
and i'm lovin' it.

zakk and i had some time alone last nite and had agreed we'd watch
a movie together. i spent some time picking out possibilities earlier in the day.
i tried to pick some he might like too and when i showed him my list, he
was surprised i would watch a few of them. one seemed way scarier than
anything i'd watch, but it was about an exorcism. i was okay with it because
i wanted to see what i thought about it all.

i told him that. told him i'm in a research mood. want to think about everything
involved with living/dying/and beyond us.

he laughed and said he noticed. that the list seemed to have that theme.
oh yeah.
i guess it did.

we ended up watching a magic one that dealt with obsession.
as i watched, i thought about the whole 'what's it all about' stuff.....
sure isn't about being obsessed and getting the object of your obsession.
which, terri, would include answers to your questions.

i'm okay with that. i'm not so much obsessed with the answers.
i mean, i can be in certain moments. but not long term.

i see for me the pondering is what helps.
it keeps me open to life. it keeps me reaching beyond myself.
it helps me focus on things that matter.

there are certain phrases i just think are so overused and trite,
they drive me crazy....
because they're true and sometimes you just can't help but use them....
this morning the one in my head is -

it's not the destination, it's the journey.

it feels like that right now for me.
very strongly.

it's not the answers, it's the exploring.
and for the moment, i'm liking that.

exploring

i usually hop right outta bed.
but this morning, i turned the light on and lay there for a moment.
i was just getting ready to get up when i heard them.

two of my favorite neighbors hollerin' across the street at each other.
in a good way.

i stopped.
settled back into my pillows and just lay there and listened.
i couldn't tell what they were saying.
i could just hear the tones, the rhythm of their banter, the laughter.

i lay there listening, smiling and just soaking that in.
i loved how it was still dark outside, people were still asleep
and they were just hollerin' back and forth like it was the middle of the day.
i loved that part.
they kept at it a bit too.
it was more than just a good morning.
i smiled bigger the longer they went on.
when i heard one of their cars pull out, i got up.

i love the good nature between these men.
both really good guys who would laugh with you at the drop of a hat,
and be there for you for anything.

'this is part of what it's all about.' i thought.

i've been trying to figure out 'what's the point' of life.
just starting.
gathering pieces and like a puzzle laying them on my kitchen table.

this is one of the pieces, i thought.

out walking, i passed the guy who lives around the corner.
an older guy who was having some health issues. i haven't seen him
to find out how he's doin'. but there he was.
i walked up his driveway and asked him about his health.
he filled me in.
both he and his wife have had some pretty big issues.
i stood there listening, concerned and reminding him that it might
just take some time to heal and to be gentle with himself.

i barely know this guy. but he had told me about his heart condition,
and i cared.
i really did.

as i walked away i thought 'that's got to be another piece of it all.'
and i mentally put that puzzle piece on my kitchen table and continued
walking.

i passed my elderly neighbor's house, went up her driveway to grab
her recycling bin and put it out. wow. it was heavier than usual.
she couldn't carry that.

glad i saw it, i plopped it down for the recycling guys to get and
kept going. not too far down the street, i heard her hollerin' a thank
you at me, she had come out to put it out. i turned and waved,
hollered back and kept going. i felt the feeling of love we were shooting
each other's way.

okay, love and caring and people working together....it's all part of
the point. i  know that. but i don't know why.

and yeah, i know, i may never know why.
and maybe that makes it all the more wonderful.

maybe.
i can see that.

i'm just not ready to quit looking.
i want to put all kindsa pieces of the puzzle on my table.
i want to see what i come up with.....
i want to explore.

i'm dabbling with some buddhist book that i think is sayin' we make up
what's good and what's bad. we put judgments on things. i think i have
a lot more to learn about it....cause i get part of that for sure. but these
pieces i put on the table this morning....they all have love in them. and
well....i don't think i make that up as good. i don't know. i'm sure i'm
missing the point.....like i say, i'm exploring.

but right now.......i'm watching the love and knowing it matters.
that's as far as i've gotten.

which, yeah, isn't that far.
but maybe that's it.

my morning......

i'm home! i'm home! ha! i'm home!

and i'm really glad i am.

tho, i gotta say, this morning was so good for me.

i really really really wanted to sit all morning in the big waiting
room, not get called and just read.

it didn't work that way. i go called in.
and when i did, i thought 'okay, that's okay too.'
and as i sat in a courtroom waiting to find out if i'd be on
a jury, i did a lot of thinking.

one thing i thought about was how i could speed up the process.
my gosh.
i really wanted to raise my hand and offer some friendly advice
to the judge.
um....
i figured that wouldn't go over too well.
but my gosh, they could use some tweaking.

everyone was really nice and it was way better than the last time
i was there. they've upgraded and improved it all.
but still....there's tremendous amount of time wasted.....

oh well.
it gave me time to sit and think.
and read in between things as i didn't get picked for the jury,
so i went back to the big room to wait some more.

i thought a lot about wanting to control life, and just letting it go
and allowing it. was kinda cool to watch that as the morning went on.

i brought some of my favorite books and browsed thru my underlines
from past readings.

and i don't have anything figured out at all.....but i do have this.........
i want to give a lot of thought to the 'soul.'
seems like that's where it's at.
and also the 'mystical' part of life....
or magical.....or whatever word you want to use.........
and! the body!
all these subjects had me intrigued today.

check this out - (from carolyn myss)

'as we develop a rich interior spiritual life,
we no longer have to dig for our own graces, because a divine
well of grace is endlessly supplied. we simply live in a field of grace,
generated by our own soul.'

i'm not sure what that means....but i think i believe that........

and then this from another book......
(clarissa)

'tho we would never wish the poisonous red shoes and the
subsequent decrease of life onto ourselves or others, there is in
its fiery and destructive center a something that fuses fierceness to
wisdom in the woman who has danced the cursed dance, who has
lost herself and her creative life, who has driven herself to hell
in a cheap (or expensive) handbasket, and yet who has somehow
held on to a work, a thought, an idea until she could escape her
demon through a crack in time and live to tell about it.'

woe.

fuses fierceness to wisdom.......

woe.
woe.
woe.

so i'm kinda inspired.......

the wisdom of the body
the soul
the mystical........

i wanna play with all of it..............
and i guess i'll leave the court tweaking to the court guys........

a little break time....

i've been tryin' to listen....tryin' to pay attention.
even with the dreams.
and i tell ya, the last few nites the dreams have been pretty icky.
last nite i woke up from a particularly horrid one and tried to stay
open and figure there's a good message for me.....i just didn't get it.
i figure i may need to practice a bit here. i'm definitely rusty.

i head off to jury duty today...
i decided it's time i figure some stuff out for myself.
what exactly do i believe in?

i figure i won't get that settled today or tomorrow...
but i'm diving in and gonna start work on it.

i've had different sets of beliefs that have seen me thru different times
in my life. i'd like another. and i also figure if i'm lucky, it won't be
my last set. i'll change yet again.

so my books are packed, i'm hoping for hours and hours of waiting,
then not getting picked and being sent home.
my fingers are crossed for that one. i could go for hours of reading
and thinking and being left alone.....think i could really use that.

womb mode

nobody's died.
at least not right close to me.
but the subject has been brought up in such a close way that i've now
got the dancin' with the death thoughts goin' on.

the theme runs all thru the 'women who run with the wolves' book,
and i'm grateful for that. some food for thought.

but yesterday i decided i needed something to hold on to.
for my own various reasons, i don't have the religion thing to hold on to.
so what can i hold on to for a bit here to help me focus the swirling thoughts?

and last nite, in the shower, it came to me to 'listen to my body.'
i can tell you i listen to the shower talk very seriously.
well, i always laugh when i say it cause it's so silly. but it's sillily serious.

so i started thinking about that.

one of the things i thought i could do to honor my sister in law is to try to
be as healthy as i can possibly be.
and then, i ate junk that i don't even usually eat.
i just binged.
off to a good start there.
and i looked at that whole thing.
i ate the junk cause i'm emotionally unstable about all this.
and then i knew i wasn't doin' the honoring thing....and it just wasn't good.

so i hesitated about this whole listening to your body thing.
when i'm upset i'm not so good about it.

but i think that's the point.

what if i just really listened.
i know i have a food problem. when my emotions are outta control,
i want to eat.
but what if i stopped there. and listened to my body?

that's gonna be way harder to do than to type...but i really got to thinking
about it. THAT is where the focus comes in. that is where there's trust
beyond the moment. that's where i can stop and listen.

and so i went on from there.
thought of different ways i could listen.
thought of my dreams too.
work with them. actively.

i used to do that, but stopped listening.

i have been such a big believer in the 'wise one inside.'
i've felt that part of me before, and i'm in awe of that part of me.
that part we all have.

and yet, i ignore it.

that's what this is all about.
the wise one inside.
the connectedness to the 'all' that is in each one of us.

i believe in that stuff.

well?
maybe that's what i ought to hold.
and maybe the way i do that is by trying my best to listen to my body.

i got excited about this last nite.
mentioned it to my sons.
said 'i need a name for it.'
and without even knowing what i was doing i took the first
letters from 'wisdom of my body' and started to sound out w-o-m-b.
and when my quicker than lightning brain figured out i had 'womb'
i actually shrieked in delight!

womb!

i'm goin' in to womb mode.........
and i'm thinking this may help.......

feelin' those emotions of mine.....

there's this band that has really stolen my heart....
they're called 'poets of the fall' and i love love love their lyrics.
they play with words in a way that works wonders on me.
their music just feels perfect sometimes.

i was sitting here working with them playing and my gosh,
they keep throwing lines out that practically knock me out
of my seat.

and i've heard these lines many many times.
yet today, i had trouble sitting still thru them.
thing is......i'm a bit emotionally raw i think and stuff can be
touched so easily today. i'm just watching it with amazement.

there's a situation in my life that's frustrated me for years.
i don't have much say in it, i just get to watch mostly and it makes
me crazy.

one of their angry songs came on....and it overwhelmed me.
there's a line in there that kinda never sat well with me cause it
was so angry. i don't have anything against anger...just this line
has never worked for me.
but today, in my raw state, it just felt perfect.
i turned up the music, got up and started dancing and singing along.
when i got to the lyrics that have always been catchy to me,
i joined right in - 'go ahead, make my day, cause i'm outta cheeks
to turn the other way'- i was soooo filled with feeling it.

it felt so good to just acknowledge the anger inside of me.

just felt so good to say 'oh yeah, look at that, and you know what?
of course! it's okay to feel this way, girl. just feel it.'

and apparently that's not all i needed to feel......

a few songs later, one line just about sent me into sobs -
'outta my way, i'm running.....with an excuse just underway...
reality is so daunting...and i've got no way to explain....'

just the way he sang 'outta my way i'm running' i wanted
to get up and run right there with him.
i soooooo wanted to run and leave some stuff behind.

i truly just about burst into tears.

wow.
i guess it's emotional day, i thought.
and grinned.

feels good.
it actually feels good.

i need to feel today.
and i've got the day to myself.
so i can.

and my gosh, music sure can bring it out..........

just feeling all kindsa things today.
and tellin' myself that it's truly okay to feel this way.

an important day...

josh and i took off for a few hours yesterday and wandered one of the
most beautiful places i've ever been.  there's two sides to this park -
the maryland side and the virginia side. this was my first time on the
virginia side. and i gotta tell ya -shame on me for not going there every
chance i can get! and that WILL be changed!

josh and i hang out together really beautifully. we both can chat
up a storm, talk serious at the drop of a hat, or carry on with silliness,
making ourselves laugh hard. we gasp at beautiful things, we love to
eat snacks, and when one says 'this is so beautiful out here!' the other
one will respond with 'it really is' with great sincerity, no matter how
many times it's been said before.

we landed at the visitor's center and met the nicest man, bob.
he gave us the scoop on the hike we wanted to take. we laughed and
joked with bob. i loved him. he gave us this great description of the
trail and off we went......

and at every turn it was paradise. every single turn.

we found this little stream with a little waterfall and we picked some
rocks, snuggled in and had lunch. mmmmming over all the food.
i have never brought garlic stuffed olives for snacks before - but
knowing josh and i loved them, i had slipped them in. everything was
aimed for stuff we delighted in - complete with the dark chocolate
candy bar!

there was a little bridge near us that people hiked over to keep goin'
on the path. an asian family walked over the bridge, saw us and waved.
we waved back. but the dad....he was completely taken with us.
he kept waving. josh and i kept waving back. it was the funniest thing.
i loved the man immediately. there was such joy and delight in his wave.

later on, we caught up with them. there was some trickiness involved
cause the path had got flooded. the park guys were there trying to drain it,
we had to go over their big ol' fat pump hose and climb over some rocks.
the asian dad there was helping his family get down from the rocks.
reaching his hand up for each one.

i was right behind his wife, thinking, 'man, i sure could use that hand of
his.' and sure enough, he looked up with the brightest smile and offered
his hand. then he offered it to josh. and he kept offering it. turned out
there was a line of people behind us who had all caught up. and the man
stood there and offered help and joy to each person hopping down from
the rocks.

when i told noah and zakk about him later i said 'he was our little piece
of gold we found along the trail.'

when we finished the most beautiful hike (truly) that i have ever taken in
my life, josh turned to me and said 'should we go thank bob?' (the park guy)
(too many bobs around here)
grinning, i was all in. and off we went to tell him about our hike.

talking all the way home about what a great trip it was, i was so filled
with gratitude for having snagged the morning and spent it the way we did.

when i got home, there was a message on my machine.
my sister in law isn't doing so well.
she's doin' really bad, actually.
i haven't talked about her much here because i'm not sure how much i want
to do that. i'm not sure how much is okay to say. it's her privacy and her life.

i grabbed the phone, called my mom, got the scoop and trying hard not to,
i choked up anyway. my mom choked up in return.

hanging up, it took me a little while to gain my composure.

i thought of the morning i just had.
i realized with even more awareness of the gift i had been given.

stepping outside i looked at a leaf on a plant in my garden.
i reached out to touch it. 'what if i knew i was never gonna see this
again next year?' i touched it and rubbed my fingers on it.
i had never felt it ever before. it felt fabulous. and i had never felt it
before. ever.

how much do i miss every day?
how much would i miss if i knew there weren't that many left.
would i pay more attention?
i so absolutely would.

feeling very honored and very shy....

i got an interview posted about me this morning.
it's such an honor and so darn nice.

thing is....spreading it feels really strange.
but......i also realize that my spreading it helps their hits!
so what i'd like to do is tell you that there's nothing in that
interview that you don't know already if you read my blog.

laughin' here....you guys know me pretty well.

but the site is really beautiful and i want to spread that around even more!

so if you have some time, hop on over to the interview,
if you would smile for me, that'd be nice....then go check out that site!

thanking meri and adrienne for being so lovely to me.....

dancing with gold

oh wow it's been far too long since i've danced with the morning
like i danced this morning!

i love wind.
i just love it.
i truly feel like i get all the gunk cleaned off of me.
like the universe is just bathing me.

the wind grabbed me, danced with me, cleansed me.
the trees swayed and sang.
the sky went from dark to light and everything in between.

and i thought of nothing but the beauty of the morning.

i left everything behind - the good, the hard, the awkward, the everything -
just left it all behind and lost myself in the morning.

on my last lap, looking up at the sky and the trees i heard a voice inside me -
'i'm a child of the universe.'

every once in awhile that thought will come thru and while i know it sounds silly,
it won't be silly. i'll just know it's true. and i'm so happy with that thought.

i'm so happy to be part of the universe.
sometimes in that funky space where i'm lost in it all, and nothing else
is attached to me at the moment, i feel like it's where i really fit.
it's a place that just holds me and i fit there.

really fitting is something i rarely feel.
moments like this morning are gold.

and i danced with that gold with all the delight inside of me.

growing old

so okay, i haven't been all sweetness and light when it comes to
my elderly neighbor. in fact, i've been struggling a lot with her,
and with this whole getting old thing.

there's this really stupid and funny and kinda sad story of how she
hurt me feelings a lot not too long ago. now that i think of it, that's a blog all in itself.

but since then, i've struggled.
it was because i felt like i didn't matter at all, and it was all about her.
and i guess i had just reached my limit of people not seeing me
and the world only revolving around them.

it took awhile for me to get the wind back in my sails.
but sunday i was down there cutting her hair and she was thrilled.
and yesterday i picked her up to go to the store.

when she answered her door she was all lit up and happy and getting ready.

i waited by the car and told myself this was a good thing.
and it was.

and yet......it's all been kinda tarnished for me.
cause i've been seein' how the world is shrinking so much for her,
how everything revolves around her now, how she gets cranky so fast,
and can't cope with anything.

trying to pick fertilizer out yesterday was a huge problem as they didn't
have the exact kind she had wanted to get. i watched this and saw the
complete inflexibility that i've been watching for awhile now. it had
her really stuck on what to do.

okay. so i'm not a callous bum.
i get the whole getting old thing has GOT to be horrible.
you can't move around and do things like you want, you have to depend
on other people, everything in the world is changing, and people drive
way too fast to make it comfortable to go out on your own.
throw in pain, loss of all your friends, loneliness....loneliness and loneliness.
and i get it's not for the weak.
i truly truly get that.

so don't misunderstand me.
i'm goin' somewhere besides that.

is that what makes you grouchy and self absorbed, or are you that way
all along and it just shows more when you're old?

that's what keeps tuggin' at me.
cause i just don't want to be like this.

talking to an older person recently she told me she didn't want her world to
shrink and that she thought it was important to be careful not to get grouchy.
that being grouchy was easy, and a downfall.

sounds great and hopeful, except i already see this person's world shrinking,
and her being grouchy. so it's happening to her and she doesn't even know it.

now, was she this way all along? hmmmmm.....
maybe.

maybe when you feel a little love you can lose some of that.
or maybe it's there and it just rests for a bit.
but it's still there.

i don't like that thought.

i'm tired of selfish people.
i really really am.

do we all become selfish when we're old???
is that what we end up being???

for me, it's something i want to stay aware of.
it looks way too easy to become.
and who doesn't understand it?
chronic pain, loss of so much, feeling so alone....
i understand it.
i do.

i just don't want to be that way.
and what i'm thinking is that maybe that stuff is inside all of us all the time.
it's part of us.
but certain things keep it in control during our lives. (well, for most of us)
and maybe when we get old, we start to lose those certain things.

so maybe we have to pay attention to those certain things and work hard
not to lose them.

right off the top of my head i can come up with -

flexibility
interest in new things
interest in other people's joy
interest in other people's lives
just plain ol' sincere interest in other people
stepping outside yourself and seeing what's going on around you.
openness to try new stuff.
looking at the positive
a good relationship with yourself
a good relationship with your spirituality
kindness

i have to think on the list.
cause that list would be something i want to do all the time anyway.
maybe have a list and keep an eye on it and myself.
make sure i'm going in the right direction.

i gotta believe growing old has some good stuff with it,
i just wish i saw it more often!

in honor of ryan

"my mind hears your voice in a thousand different places.
 my heart echoes with your laugh and makes me smile. 
my blood runs thru my veins carrying you inside its very cells. 
and i know that you are part of me.
i ache with missing you. 
yet i live with you inside of me.
and i hold you with every fiber of my being. forever and always."

just over a year ago he died.
a young man.
a young man who served in our military,
came home, and couldn't handle what was going on in his mind.
when our system failed to help him, he took his life.

looking for help...and getting lost in an overloaded, incompetent system,
he took his life.

we're all part of his story. and so many stories like his.

it's his birthday today.
his mom has flown across the country to be with her best friend on this day.
they will be getting thru the day together. she will be held. she will be loved.
and yet no one can touch that searing pain she'll carry forever.

so many stories like this all over the place.
what do we do?
how do we help?
how do we honor them?
how do we hold their mothers and their fathers?

what do we do on a birthday?

the only thing i have ever come up with and continue to come back to is
the thought that inspired the following bone sigh. i offer it today and ask
everyone to think about it, to think about your day today, to think of all
our youth we've lost to war, of our connections to them, and to be all that
you can be today.

in honor of ryan.


"weeping and aching, 
i longed to honor your passing.
 i longed to honor your life. 
searching everywhere,
 i found only one answer.
 honor myself.
 become all that i am. 
and carry you inside that beauty."

sharin' some more....

still too dark to take a walk, so thought i'd type out a few tidbits
from the book (women who run with the wolves) that i thought were awesome -

"A culture that requires harm to one's soul in order to follow the culture's
proscriptions is a very sick culture indeed. This "culture" can be the one
a woman lives in, but more damning yet, it can be the one she carries around
and complies with within her own mind."

oooooooooohhh.......i just loved that.

and then there's this -

"If you have attempted to fit whatever mold and failed to do so,
you are probably lucky. You may be an exile of some sort, but you have
sheltered your soul. There is an odd phenomenon that happens when
one keeps trying to fit and fails. Even though the outcast is driven
away, she is at the same time driven right into the arms of her psychic
group of people. It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all
than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and
soulful kinship one requires. It is never a mistake to search for what
one requires."

i love those.
and i love her words.
'sheltered your soul.'
oh man, i love that.

had to share.......

a little break...

takin' a weekend break.....
it's rare i'm quiet.
but every now and then it happens......

see ya monday!

on my desk this morning...

'The individual has always had to struggle to keep from
being overwhelmed by the tribe.
If you try it, you will be lonely often,
and sometimes frightened.
But no price is too high to pay
for the privilege of owning yourself."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

a good reminder...

lovin' josh's thoughts here......


check out his blog!

more than seeing....

a rough start of a thought....
bear with me, i'm still unraveling it.
involving giving and seeing.

i was raised to be a giver.
absolutely nothing wrong with being a giver.
it's a great thing.
but i think rarely is it taught how to be a healthy giver.
how to give without giving yourself away.
how to give to yourself too.

that stuff usually tends to be self taught later in life to people raised to be givers.
to givers that have figured out they've given their lives away. then there's usually
pretty good incentive to learn the healthy way.

and while giving is great and important and good and don't stop....just keep it healthy,
there's something involved in the actual act of giving that i'm looking at in a new way.

it's the 'seeing.'

part of being a giver is seeing the other person you're giving to.
you have to see they're having a hard time, or in need of something.
you have to see they want some sort of comfort or company or support.

they go hand in hand.
and it's really a gift you get by accident just by trying to be a good giver.

thing is......just as there's a healthy way to give that you end up teaching yourself later...
it occurred to me this morning that there's a healthy way to see. and maybe that's
not being taught early on either.

a really unhealthy way that can create so many unwanted strings is judging what you see.
oh, you see and you give....but you judge thru it.
your way is the better way, your way is the more whatever way.
your way is right. their way is wrong. but you'll give to them cause you're kind.

ohmygosh.
how icky is that?

and how sneaky is that?
it's the kinda thing that sneaks right up on you.

what got me thinking about it was witnessing it.
just standing back and watching it in someone.
i saw how insidious it can be.
and what it can do to a person and their entire life.

and realizing that i have to really really watch it. because it's sneaky stuff.
it's never put out there clearly as judging.
the one doing the judging would say they were never judging.
they'd be astonished you thought so.
them? they were above that. oh no. they're not judging.
they were too kind and understanding for that.
and they'd never even know they were doing it.
while they did it in spades every day of their life.

ohmygosh.

so this got me thinking about judging people. and how that's way more awful
than i thought. i mean, i thought it was just arrogant, and not cool and icky.

but this morning, i realized how judging people can actually change your entire life.
it can isolate you, it can trick you into believing things that aren't real. and it can
totally totally stunt you.

it sounds so silly, but i got this concept this morning - healthy stuff (like giving and
seeing in a healthy way) grows you and makes you become more.
unhealthy stuff (like giving and seeing in an unhealthy way) isolates you and stunts you.

a basic concept i don't ever want to forget.

stumbling into...

there's this whole big thought i had, that i kinda put out here,
but kinda skimmed it, but kinda not.

but a couple things about it are pretty cool - and i wanted to note those today.

first of all - i realized something because of a series of conversations
with different people.

that's it.
that's the first cool part.

one thing led to another, and pop! there was this insight about something
i had done inside myself. about how i wasn't trusting myself.

i didn't know.
i hadn't seen it.
completely hidden behavior to me that was affecting my entire life.

bam!

altho, once i did see it, it was pretty obvious.

so the first cool part of that is the way i figured it out.
how i figure most things out - by tripping over it and falling on it.

oh, look at that!

stumbling on things.
seems like i keep doin' that.

the thought kept growing and deepening as i talked to different people
in my life. they added to it.
i love that. it's quite a network i've got surrounding me.

really appreciating that right now.

i didn't always have that.
it's one heck of a thing to grow.

another cool part is the whole trust thing -

i can get pretty darn tired of that word. that concept.
it's a forever thing.
and it can get old and exhausting.

but here i was not trusting myself and not even knowing it.

how deep does all that go?

when i had my meltdown on saturday, wow, a whole lotta
stuff i thought about myself came right on up to the surface.
what is up with that???
why is this stuff so deep and sneaky???
i have no idea....
but what a thrill to realize the lack of trust and say okay, that
doesn't work and i CAN trust myself.

a little timid at first, but gaining strength every day.

we really are the project that we need to work on, ya know?
not the other guy. not the partner, or the kids or the crazy guy at work.
but ourselves.
what are we really really doin'?
what's driving us?
are we trusting?
are we living?

i keep looking and watching myself now.
and opening to the trust over and over again.

>>>>>>>>>


trusting herself to go beyond seeing,
and to allown the dance,
she stepped back in
and joined the magic.

>>>>>>>>


dance with me,
grieve with me,
laugh with me,
sit quietly with me.
i am your life.
live me. 

eggin' me on...

so the big thought for me lately is the whole idea that  you can have a
relationship with life. that if you look at it that way, your interactions with
it change.

it's much more cosmic and beautiful a thought than that, but if you've
been reading the blogs, you  know already. so i'll leave it there for now.

so then mix in what i call my 'inner child.'
what exactly IS that???
if you don't relate to that term, or don't feel like you have one, what is it
i really mean?
i don't know, cause for me it so clearly is my inner child.
it's the part of me that's free, and joyful and loving and innocent and caring
and playful and impatient and yet patient beyond belief. the part of me
that can forgive in an instant and get up and jump two feet back in the game.

that part.

that part was awake and strong in me as i walked this morning.
and i realized that's the part that can really have a relationship with life.
and does.
that's the part that doesn't 'work' on the relationship.
that's the part that just lives it.

that's the part that dances with life and revels in it and yeah, gets
really sad at the sorrowful parts.  that's the part that's so real and so
free of constraints.

and i think somehow this new thought of mine and this inner child of mine
go hand in hand. that if i concentrate on her, and concentrate on life
being a relationship, that something opens up and i find things
i didn't know about.

i was reading clarissa last nite and she talked of the heart. and she talks
of singing. and she talks of the gods being called in and of 'crafting soul.'
she really shouldn't egg me on like this.

maybe this inner child of mine is 'heart.'
maybe that's exactly what it is.
and maybe this living life as a relationship is 'singing.'

and maybe that's what happens when i combine it all.....
the gods are called in, soul is crafted and my world expands.

maybe.

sounds awfully good to me.

appreciating

i walked fast and furious this morning.
some mornings are just like that.

and i think all the columbus day thoughts got me thinking about my
homeschooling days. we didn't take columbus day off. we took stevie
ray vaughan's birthday off! seemed much better to me.

and so i got to remembering that. and it hit me.
i'm all done.
i homeschooled my three sons.

all three of them.
and i'm all done and they're really okay and they're bright and they're
competent, and i completed one heck of a task.

and i swear, i just about burst into tears on my walk.

i did it.

i did it.

and i thought of all the effort, all the thought. all the worry, all the hours and hours
and hours, all the learning alongside of them.

and i just couldn't believe i had done it.

i know, this is really a delayed reaction.
i know.
but there it was.
and truly, i just wanted to cry with relief.

and i thought about how we pulled it off.
and how tricky it got with the divorce, and then starting bone sighs.
and how i juggled trying to love them, teach them and survive.

and i felt good.
really good about it.

and then i realized that i don't stop much to appreciate the accomplishments.
i keep pushing forward.

and how it's important to stop and look.
see what you've done.
acknowledge the good stuff.....

what the heck good is it if you can't stop and look back and say
'oh yeah, that is so cool.'

there's always something to push forward with.
no matter what.
but stopping and appreciating the accomplishments matters.

and i forget way too much to do that.
this morning felt really really good.

no thanks

sometimes when i look back in history, i can understand the ignorance.
it makes total sense to me.
and being plenty ignorant myself with things, i feel compassion.

like people not knowing how disease was spread.
well, that just makes sense.
of course you don't know.
it's something you need to figure out.

okay, that registers.

things like not knowing smoking was bad for you....
well, that gets a little more wobbly for me.
kinda seems like a no-brainer to me.
but okay, i might give you that one. that you needed to figure it out.

but things like women not being able to vote -
that makes no sense to me.
unless you throw in the stuff about power and control.
and then when you get into the whole race stuff - yeah, it's got to be
about power and control.
don't anyone even tell me you didn't know better.
so that's not that everyone was just ignorant and not realizing...there were some other
forces goin' on there.

so, okay, that makes sense to me.
not good stuff by any means. but i see that had to evolve
and was bound to.

but you take something like columbus day, and i can't figure it out at all.
how is it okay to make a national holiday for this?

there wasn't a learning curve like with disease, and i don't see the power and
control thing with making columbus a hero.
i mean, i see the power and control thing of columbus himself.
but why on earth have we made a holiday around him and what he did?

and why on earth haven't we stopped honoring that day?
and why is it no one seems to care?

i learned about this great hero columbus when i went to school.
and then when i was an adult, i read about columbus.
and i cried when i read what it was he did to the natives.
and i couldn't believe we've made a holiday for this.

and i couldn't believe i was taught the whole columbus myth and everyone
was really fine with that.

it makes no sense to me at all.
i walked this morning and wondered is it ignorance?
is it complete apathy?
arrogance?
it is just wanting a holiday so bad we don't care what it's for?

i haven't a clue.
it feels really wrong to me.
no thanks on today's 'holiday.'
i think i'll work.

parts of the sky....

i turned the corner and saw the sunrise.
i stopped. gasped.
looked both ways like a good girl,
then stood in the middle of the road to really look at the sky.

wow.

then i turned my back on it as i was going the other way.
that always kills me just a bit.
to turn your back on the sunrise....
oh man.

but then i looked in front of me.
and the sky had this hint of lavender and pink in it.
just a hint.
i noticed it but then got lost in my thoughts.

i've been loopin' the blocks on some mornings.
just doin' the block a few times.

and as i looped the block for the third time, i looked
at the sunrise section again.
it had now spread out a bit, but the glory and intensity of it
was still there.

but on this round i noticed the quieter side of the sky.
the sky that had the slight purple and pink.
the colors had gotten a bit brighter, stronger.
still subtle, but really beautiful.

that's the introverted part of the sky, i thought.
looking over my shoulder at the bright orange sunrise,
i thought and THAT'S the extroverted part.

and i got to thinking about how  a lot of us are like the introverted part.
the light, subtle, beautiful part.

we're lighting up the sky/world in our own way.
but it's quieter than the ones who knock the world over with their boldness
and beauty.

and we forget.
we forget that our quiet way is just as beautiful.
we forget how much our subtle light really does light up the world.

and i wanted to put that out here.
and remind us.
all the quiet, subtle  lavender and pink streaks in the sky -
keep on glowing.
it matters.

one heck of a melt down...

i realized yesterday that part of the inner searching and thinking i do
is for protection.

guess that's a no brainer for someone looking in.
but i mostly don't realize it. and only see glimpses of that here and there.

yesterday i got slammed in the face with it.
and i saw how that thought is completely worthless.
there's no protecting yourself from stuff that hasn't left you.

i don't even know how to explain what happened but something hit something
else so deep and full of buttons for me that the part of me that i call my inner
child just flipped out.

i can tell when that part of me is reacting because the reaction just feels a certain
way. i've gotten so i can recognize it. but this was that feeling on steroids.

well, i guess i've been trying to do the adult, mature thinking and my inner child
had just had enough.

something hit and suddenly i was melting down.

i tried everything i could think of to calm myself down.
i took a walk, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen, paced,
sat in the sun, paced some more.

it started with the feeling of wanting to vomit, and then went into some panic,
and there was the feeling that a good session of hyperventilating would help.

laughing here......cause now i can laugh.....but i'm trying to get across that it was indeed
a meltdown of epic proportions. there was no containing it.

i tried to think thru it.
i do a whole lotta inner work.
this shouldn't be happening.
i should see it, recognize it, calm it down and understand.

yeah, right.
don't think so.

little terri had had enough.
and it was RIGHT NOW that she needed my attention.
and my gosh, she got it.
and she wasn't gonna let it go.

thank god i've got a guy who can weather this stuff.
he walked in, and i just held on tight to him and asked for help with it all.
and i told him about the feeling of my inner child and the freak out.

and somewhere in the middle of it all, he said it was a good thing,
that 'she was right' and it was time to look at this stuff.

i think that may have been the most helpful thing he did or could have done.

we walked thru it all, talked, figured stuff out, didn't figure stuff out, rested,
and just hung out. and thru it all, that part of me settled down.

i look at it today and think of how something that hurts so much inside got hit.

and i think of that hurt.
i have thought of that hurt for years and years and years.
i have worked with it, reframed it, released it.
and yet.....i think there's just something there that will always and forever be there.

and looking at it today, i'm thinking maybe that's okay.
because maybe when it gets hit and causes a freak out, maybe that's completely okay.
necessary even.

because then, other things get looked at and tweaked and grown.
everything is so related.
so much of what we do is driven by forces we don't understand or even know of.
this can touch all that and help.

to get knocked so hard that you're forced to look and examine and tweak -
that's okay.

what's not okay is not responding to the inner craze.
that's what would not be okay.

there's always gonna be an inner rumble that comes thru here and there.
i'm thinking that's no reason to be afraid or nothing you have to protect yourself from.

it's a tool.
a freaky, weird, crazy tool.
and we can use it.

we don't have to protect ourselves from it.
we can actually trust it.

perspective

her dad was in the hospital.
she posted and asked for prayers and good energy.
i barely know her, but threw my stuff into the cosmic pot.

i'm a believer in that.
freely admit to no understanding of it, but still believe.

which that in itself has me thinking this morning....ahhhh but that's
another blog...

she gave us the update. he's out now and on meds.

i thought of how that whole deal had to knock some perspective
into everyone involved.

things like that do that.

perspective.
it's one heck of a good thing to have.
and so darn easy to lose.

i don't particularly want medical emergencies being the bringer of perspective
for me. and i can get pretty lazy and let that happen.

i thought of my own dad.
how i had really hoped time would kinda iron things out between us.

didn't work that way.

and yet, if he had lived, would we be close today?
i don't think so.
sadly, i really don't think so.

so maybe i have to be careful with the word 'perspective.'
it's not fantasy, it's not what you'd really like to be but isn't...
it's not just cause you want it so much you can recreate reality...
it's not 'i value this, so it must go this way.'

it's knowing the value of things.
and maybe it's knowing the value of things even when they aren't so good.

hmmmm....

tiny and small

doin' some stretches on my bedroom floor yesterday,
i glanced out the window while i was flat on my back.
i got a great view of the tree outside reaching up to the sky.
it was evening.
evening light and the tree.
it totally caught my attention.

i scooted myself right over to get a good view.
it was a spot i had never sat in before.
just a little walkway for when you got out of bed.
who knew it was the perfect seat to soak in beauty.

i got myself comfortable and then just sat and soaked.

i felt so incredibly small.

i don't think i've felt that small in a long, long time.

i think it's a good thing to feel small sometimes.
just as it's a good thing to feel larger than life sometimes.

it wasn't a bad feeling.
it felt like a reminder.

so small.
and the universe is so vast.

one tiny woman looking out her window up into one tremendous universe.

where would she go? what would she do? how long would it all last?

lost in just feeling tiny and in awe of the whole deal,
i heard the guys laughing in the kitchen.

and i smiled.

i know my moments with them are getting less and less.
and there they were, laughing.

changing my clothes, thinking how lucky i was to have the moment,
i went out to join them.

tryin' it all out...

so then i had a much quieter day.
which was really okay
i didn't see magic floating all around.
but didn't feel like i needed to either.
quiet was really okay.

but then something happened that bothered me.
it  got to me.
to my heart.

i sat and thought about it.
about why it got to me.
and what was goin' on.

i figured it out which helped a bit.

and then i thought about my whole 'relationship with life' deal that i've
been thinking about non-stop now for a few days.

how does this all fit in now?

and i don't really know as i'm new to this, ya know?
but i think what it does is put things in perspective.

i can take something that feels hard and icky and step back
and say 'okay, yeah, fine, but how does it affect your relationship
to life?' and i can see it doesn't.

it takes me and the things goin' on in my life and reminds me that they're
not as big as they feel, and that all this 'stuff' is just drops in a bucket.

and it reminds me to focus on me and my living my day.

perspective.

maybe.

guess i'll find out.

slow dancing with life....

at the heart of this 'awakening' of mine is picking up the magic again.

no.
no.
no.

that's not right.

at the heart of it is trusting myself to pick up the magic again.

and i guess there comes a time when you want something bad enough,
you'll trust yourself if that's the only way you can get it.
or maybe you're ready for it and that's what spurs on the wanting it.
who knows?

i just know that i said i was in.
i wanted to do more than notice the magic.
i wanted to dance with it again.

i missed my dancing partner so much.

and then as if my dancing partner was telling me it had missed me too,
my day lit up with magic everywhere.

when i got the call from a shop owner/friend who i haven't heard from in ages,
i just kinda glanced up acknowledging life. of course she'd call today.

she had been on her own rough ride and i knew that. and there she was,
having no idea what was going on inside of me, she went on and on of the
miraculous things that had happened in her own process. she's one of the
best trusters of magic i've ever known, and without knowing what she was
doing for me, she went on a magic rant, placed the biggest order she's ever
placed and was off again.

i hung up my phone and shook my head.
of course.
of course.

it's here, all around you, ter. it's here.
dance with it.

and slowly, a bit creaky at first, i stepped both my feet back in the dance.

we had one of the best business days we've had all year, and even tho i was
fighting yet another cold, i had one of the best days inside of me i've had in
ages.

i hadn't felt this happy since i got engaged.

hmmmmm......

i AM thinking of this as a relationship with life.
maybe life and i just got engaged.

cause i tell ya, i feel pretty darn thrilled about it all.
and have another day ahead of me to dance.
funny thing is, i'm kinda quiet. maybe it's the cold i'm fighting, maybe it's the depth
of what's goin' on inside of me....but it feels kinda right too.

quiet dancing....slow dancing....cause it has been awhile.
and i just want to kinda savor it a bit here....

good stuff for me....

i've been playin' around with my new insight ever since i had it.
(see post below)

this whole thought here - "can you imagine treating life like your partner? your lover? your best friend?"
has grabbed me and caught my imagination.


i think it's kinda funny too because with how much i've been thinking about it, it reminds
me of how much i've thought about my relationship with my partner. my gosh, there's been
a ton of thought and effort that's gone into that. and this has the same kinda feeling which
is making me smile.


interestingly enough, i'm in the relationship section in "women who run with the wolves.'
when i started,  i was indeed reading it thinking of bob and i. but last nite, in reading it,
i was thinking of me and life. and amazingly enough, it was fitting.


here's two of my favorite sentences from last nite - 
'Fear is a poor excuse for not doing the work.'
"If you're alive, you are fearful.'


i smiled. those were the first sentences i read and just smiled.


and then i read this -
'Three things differentiate living from the soul versus living from ego only.
They are: the ability to sense and learn new ways, the tenacity to ride a rough road,
and the patience to learn deep love over time......
....It would be a mistake to think that it takes a muscle-bound hero to accomplish
this. It does not. It takes a heart that is willing to die and be born and die and be born
again and again.'


i think that i got the idea that we had to die and be reborn.
i think i knew that when i got divorced and i wasn't thrilled with the concept, but then again, i was.
cause i knew it had to happen to create me.


i just don't think i realized it was a repetitive thing.
i may have said that, but i'm pretty sure i didn't have that deep in my bones. 


it's all making me think a ton.
and it's all making me realize something that i deeply want -
i want to have a love relationship with life.


go figure.
seems like a perfect time to pull out the rumi.

an insight

i've learned (and keep getting the lesson over and over again) that in a relationship
when you're having a hard time, if you're looking at what the other person is doing,
you're looking in the wrong direction.

i've learned this willingly and yeah, i've learned it the hard way too.
it's what's going on inside of ME that's what i need to look at.
'yeah, but he's bein' such a clod' i can argue.
and he most likely very well is.
thing is....it's how i'm reacting, what i'm doing, what i'm choosing to believe,
what feelings are coming up....all that stuff that i need to look at.

those are the things i need to work with.
those are the points on the map that guide me to real inner work and real growth.

over and over i've gotten this lesson and i believe it with all my heart.
and i have discovered things about myself this way that i don't think i would
have seen any other way. which is one of the reasons i think relationships
matter so much.

so this thought has changed my life. changed my partner relationship.

and i've never once thought about it with much of anything else.
never once put this thought on any other situation.

until yesterday.

it started with a note from someone who gets the quote of the day,
it continued with a conversation i had with noah while i cleaned the bathroom.
with the insight that gave me the angle i really needed to sink my teeth into
coming while emailing a friend. having coffee with a friend later, she reworded
it really positively. and there i sat holding one of the most important insights
into myself i've had in years.

and i think of all the things i can share about it, probably the part i most want
to share this morning is that it's the first time i really saw life like a relationship.

so take that first line i wrote and change it - put 'life' in for 'the other person.'

"when you're having a hard time, if you're looking
at what the other person  life is doing, you're looking in the wrong direction."

i've been looking at life.
not me.
altho, i gotta say - i've been attempting to look at me.
nah.
that's not right.
it's more like, i'll look at my reactions and not like them and wish they
were different reactions.

that's not the same as looking inside of you and trying to figure out why
you're feeling what you're feeling.

i just thought it was 'normal.'
who wouldn't?

yeah.
true.

but do you want normal?
or do you want real and honest and your best?

normal is surface, it's not really looking.
and yesterday, by accident, i really saw something inside of me.
i saw some place really important that i stopped trusting myself.
i saw how a deep fear stopped me without me even knowing it.

i saw how life's been it's steady chaotic mess of its self.
how magic hasn't ever left me, and how the darkness continues to
play with the light, and how it keeps going.

i'm the one who's shut down.
and yesterday i saw it inside of myself.
clear as day.

so then what? you see something. then what?
well, if it truly IS like a relationship -
what happens in my relationship is i remember the trust and love i have for my partner.
and concentrate on that and ask for help with the other.

hmmmmm......could it really be the same with life?
and how is it i've never put this together before?
maybe it's cause it's taken me this long to really believe that stuff about a relationship.
it takes awhile to REALLY believe it's not the other person's fault when things feel bad.
at least it has for me.

maybe i couldn't really have held it like this until now.
whatever the deal, i'm pretty excited about this thought.

can you imagine treating life like your partner? your lover? your best friend?

woe.

a goofy messenger

i turned onto my street not sure i'd even make it up to the corner,
just wasn't in a 'grab the morning' mood.

but before i turned the next corner, i felt myself walking so fast
and i thought 'man, i could just walk to texas.'

why texas, i don't know. it was far away,  i guess.
i felt like i couldn't walk far enough or fast enough.

i walked my heart out.
and my thoughts kept right up with my feet.

i wondered how people who didn't take walks stayed sane.

i walked out every negative thought inside of me.
and man, there were a lot.
i was surprised.

i asked every question inside of me.
and man, there were a lot.
i wasn't surprised.

had no answers. but wasn't expecting any.
just wanted to walk it all out of me.

i was so lost in thought that when a car pulled up at a stop sign near where i was walking
and honked, i jumped pretty good.
and then laughed and waved.

it was a white guy about my age in this goofy knit hat pulled down
over his head in a tiny little beat up car. he looked like such a character.
i woulda been nervous except he fit in the neighborhood so well and
i knew he was a neighbor somewhere. i've seen him in that car many times.
i grinned. i certainly have an interesting neighborhood.

he rolled down his window and laughed and said he was sorry about the honk.
and then he hollered out 'it's good to see you walking! i haven't seen you
in awhile.'

and he said it with the warmest voice. like he really meant it.

i smiled, thanked him and kept goin'.

but i was thinking about it as i walked away.

his voice was so warm.

it was warm.
like he cared.

what is with this? i wondered.
it really seems like people care about my walking.
and they don't know me at all.

so, okay, it can't be about me. cause they don't know me.
it's got to be something like it makes it feel like a neighborhood,
or it makes it feel like a day when everything is as it should be.
i have no idea....

except this thought ran thru me.....
we have no idea - none - of how our presence in the world touches others.
simply by taking a walk in the mornings.
what about when we're deliberately present for others?

there's so much swirling around us that we don't even know about.

and somehow, i think that's the message i needed to get this morning.

as i pulled my shoes off when i got home, my toes were tired.
'guess i couldn't have made it to texas,' i thought.
guess i didn't need to. cause right here, in my own neighborhood,
some kooky white guy in a goofy hat and a clunky car reminded me
this morning that my presence matters. and that we're all connected.
even when we don't know it.

a ted talk to share.....

just wanted to share...........love this guy!

having and being reminders......

in a conversation yesterday, i remembered a book i read called
'to have or to be' by erich fromm.

it came up because it was such an influential thought in that book,
i remember actually having the thought before i read the book,
then finding the book and having the thought become more cemented inside of me
and being so excited. knowing it was a life changer.

until i forgot all about it.

ah, so typical of me.

i pulled it off my shelf to have to relook at it. i'm sure the topic will
weave thru the blogs.

i opened it up this morning to the section on love.
of course.

'can one have love?  if we could, love would need to be a thing, a substance
that one can have, own, possess. the truth is, there is no such thing as 'love.'
....in reality there exists only the act of loving. to love is a productive activity.
it implies caring for, knowing, responding, affirming, enjoying. it means bringing
to life, increasing his/her/its aliveness. it is a process, self-renewing and self-increasing.'

'when love is experienced in the mode of having it implies confining, imprisoning,
or controlling the object one 'loves.' ......what people call love is mostly a misuse
of the word. '

woe.
talk about a reminder.

you know, for someone who really wants to be love,
i screw up a whole lot.

i'm off for my walk (been waiting for it to get a tad bit more light outside)
and gonna take this reminder with me.

to have or to be.........in every situation in life..........
it's not to 'have.'
that's not what i want.

so maybe i'd better start acting like i really do want to 'be.'

an amazing story...

i thought this was the coolest story!

i asked permission to share it........
check it out!

treasure tidbits

ms. clarissa is talkin' to me!
she's talkin' about love relationships!

and she's talking about skeleton woman showing up....

yeah, unless you read this, i really can't describe it, i guess.
but the idea is that there is and needs to be little deaths all thru
life. that they bring little births.
that we shouldn't be afraid of that.
skeleton woman is the personification of the life/death/life cycle.

and this part i loved.......she talks about finding love....it's in a story
about a fisherman -

'he does not realize that he is bringing up the scariest treasure
he will ever know, that he is bringing up more than he can yet handle.
he does not know that he will have to come to terms with it, that
he is about to have all his powers tested. and worse, he does not
know that he does not know. that is the state of all lovers at the
beginning: they are blind as bats.'

.....'while their egos may be fishing for fun, this psychical space
is sacred ground for skeleton woman. if we troll these waters,
we are guaranteed to hook her for certain.'

'she is the one who peers at things. she can tell when it is time
for a place, a thinking, an act, a group or a relationship to die.
this gift, this psychological sensitivity awaits those who would
lift her to consciousness through the act of loving another.'

i loved all of this cause it so touched on that there's so much more
to love than we realize when we wander into it.......

i love this because she reminds me of my own sacredness.......

one step at a time

the thoughts had just begun to whirl.
well, that's not true.
they had been whirling for awhile,
yesterday they got kicked in a bit more, but no time to really deal with them.
then this morning, they were going full tilt.

when he called and asked "whatchya doin'?" i answered 'thinking.'
he laughed, asked about what, and the thoughts just poured out.
i hadn't had a chance to organize them yet, so they just poured on out.
there were just paragraphs of thought after thought leading to another thought.

by the time he hung up, i had given him a year's worth of thoughts.

'love' is usually my bottom line.
love of yourself, being love, offering love. living love.
it's usually the bottom line for me....
but sometimes it's way blurry.
like it gets mixed in with 'man, i just want to stop hurting. how do i stop hurting?'
and i forget that love is the bottom line.
protection or safety or no pain turns into the goal.

but then, eventually, i get back to love being what it's about.

stuff will distract me.
but sooner or later.....it's back to it.

i think the deeper i get into it, the more i see that i have to get by my
barriers, my protections. and my gosh, that's just not an easy thing to do.
i'm not just talking about loving someone else.
i'm talking about loving myself.

all of it.
every angle of love.

the more i see of love, the more i see how i get in my own way.
the more i see i have to change old patterns/ways/habits.
i find deeper and harder layers of honesty that i have to face.

i feel like i've been in a major wrestling match lately. it's been goin' on
and on, wearin' me down.
but i feel like i'm gettin' to the end of it now.
this round anyway.

it's time for me to get up, stop wrestling, and start living what i know.

and i guess that's scary for me cause it's new, it's breaking patterns,
it's bursting barriers, and it's trusting and believing more.

i'm learnin' stuff along the way.
real stuff.
i'm actually learning stuff.

so what's the point if all i do is wrestle with it?

i gotta go put it to use......

and i think i've finally gotten bored with the wrestling.
i'm ready to go try it all out.
i say that with caution. cause i know what trying it out means.
effort.
effort.
effort.

but i tell ya, the wrestling has taken so much effort.
it can't be any more to actually go do it!

one step at a time.
think i'm ready.

a good day

packed to the brim with everything i could want, yesterday was wonderful.

it's so so so good to wander around with those sons of mine.

it felt like things inside of me woke up yesterday.
i was moved in so many different ways as we went thru the day.
thoughts about my life, my creativity, my spirit, all felt like they got nudged a bit.
and it felt good.

something i've been trying to get used to is the fact that i'm gonna be on my own
before i know it, without these apes hangin' around the house so much.
 life is taking a different direction for me. they've always been such a big part of my joy.
where do i find it when i'm solo? can i find the joy on my own?

what is so cool is that while i was with these apes of mine, i saw clearly some
of the places joy just comes to me. and they won't need to be there for it!
there really are some great things that just make me light up inside. i saw
that and it felt good.

like a little reminder that there's so much ahead waiting for me. i kinda needed that.

i was even nudged inside about my business and what i want to do with it.
it was the coolest thing.
all kindsa pieces inside of me were nodding and thinking 'okay, okay, this is good.'

it was a day to be together with my sons.
and it felt so good to be with them.
and at the same time i got the feeling it was gonna be okay without them.
i think it was the first time i really understood that i'm starting a journey with myself.
it's like it really sunk in that i'm gonna get to know myself in a whole new way.

i thought i did that ten years ago when i divorced and started my own life.
and i guess i did. but the guys were the center of it.
maybe that's the thing with life, it's always a journey with yourself.
it's just that at different times there's different focuses and it feels new each time.
i don't know.

but for the first time, it feels really right to me.
and my gosh, i needed that.