a hoop of brilliant colors...

okay, so it was a middle of the nite thought,
a roll over after a dream thought....
and they seem so much more striking then.

so while not as striking as last nite, i still like the thought i'm
going to share.

altho, i think what i like most is that it was a roll over
after a dream thought. i don't remember the dream,
but it musta been a nice one.......

i saw this really gorgeous hoop of color.
brilliant colors all kinda moving around together.
and they were the colors of my day.

all the things that happened added a color to the hoop.

as i was rolling over, the thought was that if someone asked
you about your day, or if you thought about your day,
you really shouldn't just figure it was one main thing. you
should look at all the colors. cause there's a whole bunch of them.

and you can see that each one adds something significant.
so they all count.

this is going to be great fun with bob! as it is, when he asks me
how i am, i ask him which part of me he means. just wait til
i throw in the color hoop!!!

i just really liked it....
it reminded me not to focus on one thing.......and to remember
the value of all the stuff goin' on......
and it did it in color!!!

relationship tidbits....

have several different friends with relationship stuff goin' on
right now....

i just typed out all these bits and pieces in an email to one of them,
and thought these were too good not to share......

these are from 'a book for couples' - i think i have it listed right in
that amazon thingie on the side here........maybe not. who can remember.
it's a good one....... it's by hugh and gayle prather.....

here we go...for anyone needing these today......


'first you must understand that there are many parts of you that cannot connect with anyone.
and you must realize that you feel very protective of these parts. you feel attacked if they are
pointed out and you have many memories of occasions on which this happened. ......

here then is the work before you - to let go of all the ways you contrast yourself, to shed
everything you identify with that creates a difference, a gap, between you and your partner.'

'you must give up your judgments because they cannot join with another. not only do most
people not believe this, they proceed from the opposite position. they try to have contact with those who
'have the same outlook on life' and who seem to agree with their opinions....'

'you need not relinquish your identity. there is no mad sacrifice entailed here. merely begin
questioning the many ways you have of defining yourself. .....

no changes in behavior are required....what must change is your investment in being this
bundle of peculiarities and wonders, because you simply cannot, for example,
think it important that you are a person who chews politely without also judging your mate
for munching like a horse.'

'your simple goal is to practice being your heart rather than your history.'

'so be a friend, one who works to lift the distress rather than one who tries to cast doubt
on your mate's ability to perceive and reason.'

'every time you watch rather than react you become a little less well defined and thus freer to
be something more, something deeper.'

'your partner is your personal opportunity to be at peace. nothing less. and certainly
there is nothing more. whatever he or she professes or does, this one potential remains
invulnerable. you have before you an ongoing occasion for sinking into your own
gentleness and expanding.'

'see the person, not your past. lift the veil of comparisons from your eyes and love simply
and directly.'

'most people long for an affect rather than a real relationship......they want everything
except to give.'

'...for you will recognize that these are just the many conflicting voices of your past,
agreeing on nothing, fearing and judging everything, and that you are something more,
something whole and sane.'

'if you can merely assume some degree of distortion in all your perceptions,
you will not be as quick to judge, as quick to take stands and be right, as quick
to trun away and be discouraged, and this will provide a little space in which healing
can begin.'

'i have no more use for this thought. as a gift to our relationship, i will not pursue it.'

'whatever your ego tells you is not true. anger, fear and judgement are
always groundless, and in almost every instance they can be relinquished.'

'very consciously and very deliberately feel the basic goodness of your partner,
and know the reason you choose to do so.'

this morning....

lifting her arms up,
stretching her fingers out,
she reached for god.
clouds came and rested in her palms,
and she remembered gentleness.
the sun came and lit up the sky.
and she remembered love.
closing her eyes,
holding it all,
she remembered god.

'oh wow'

when i stepped outside this morning,

i could just feel something all around me.
i walked down my driveway to the street
just quietly looking and taking it in.

'it feels like i'm in a special sound proof room
or something,' i thought.

everything just seemed to be holding this quiet gentleness.

and i couldn't get over how strongly it was hanging in
the air, and how badly i wanted to soak it in.

i had forgotten how much i love bare tree limbs.
how it's like they're reachin' out to the sky,
trying to touch god.

i had forgotten how when i see that,
it touches something deep inside of me,
and reminds me to reach too.

in my mind, i reached up, and i remembered god.
and i remembered love. and i remembered there was more.
so much more.

and without even thinking a quiet 'oh wow' escaped my lips
and i could hear it come out of me.

it was my prayer this morning.

'oh wow'

i needed to remember.

the ever present roots.....

i was quiet here this weekend,
but much was going on inside.

in hearing myself tell bob about something that meant a lot to me,
i could feel how it related to some thoughts that have been gently
nudging me all week.

as we were just curled in quietly, i had a chance to let  my thoughts
gather and weave their threads together.

my eyes got wide at one point as i started to see some stuff take shape.
and i could see how the things all related.

i could see how stuff from so long ago still affects so many things i feel
and do today. and i gotta say, that always always always stuns me and
leaves me wondering if there's much of anything that i feel and do today
that isn't affected by my past.

and i'm not sure i like that much at all.
actually, i'm pretty sure i don't  like it.

i like to think of myself as growing and independent and healthy.

and i guess i feel like having the past drive a lot of your present
doesn't work with the growing, independent and healthy theme.

but maybe those things don't really contradict each other.

maybe those things are your roots. and you just gotta know you grow
from there. you can grow good and be strong, but your roots are your roots
and they are involved in your whole structure.

maybe i ought to get more comfortable with that whole concept
as it seems to be the case with me.  and maybe i need to get more than
comfortable, maybe i need to get pretty darn excited about it....
because truth is, if i really see that and know that, i can really really
understand myself. and i think in that understanding, i'd be able to
concentrate more on things that truly mattered instead of stuff that
makes me lose perspective.

maybe i need to respect that....instead of fear it.
and that's something i'm going to be mulling this week.......

pushin' thru the crowd....

so yesterday i kicked myself around about as much as i could.

it surprised all of us.
and each guy around me at a different time asked me what brought
it all on.

i thought it was the obvious reasons - overwhelmed, not being able
to keep up, having to cancel multiple things with friends, not knowing
things i felt i should know...the list was long, and i thought quite obvious.

but each son and mister bob himself didn't seem to be buying it.

and i gotta say, when it comes down to knowing what's going on inside
of me, and i have to choose between who understands - them or me,
i pick me.

so i hate it when they ALL seem to catch stuff i miss.
and it makes me laugh.
these are my SONS and well, my neanderthal guy.
they can't get it if i miss it.

but as i did my thing on the treadmill this morning, it became quite
clear to me that there was a lot more going on with me than i understood
yesterday. and i laughed thinking about how i was going to have to admit
that to them today. they love it when they get it right and i get it wrong....

i was so incredibly down on myself.
really really hard on myself.
treated myself in a way i wouldn't ever treat anyone else.
then threw in a little drama and cried a bit here and there...

so why?

i had something happen last week that was really hard and felt really
lousy. i knew that. and i knew it caused some waves inside of me.
thing is, i didn't realize they were going to really hit me and drag me
down days later.

but they did.
only i didn't realize.
until after they dragged me all over the rocks.
and then left me layin' on the shore.
it's when i got up to walk away i figured it out.
oh yeah, it was those big waves.
looking back i could see them rolling back to sea.

so as i took my walk this morning, i thought about that.
and i had another kinda visual.
i had this picture of me being bumped around.
like in a crowd.
just not feelin' great and being bumped here and then bumped there.
and at some point you just get used to the bumps and you get in this kinda
mood. where it's not fun to be in the crowd anymore. where you don't
even remember where you were headin' in the first place. where you're
feelin' pretty bruised and just not in a good mood anymore. but not
angry enough to change it. just jostled, bruised and wrinkled. and in
the middle of something you've forgotten the point of. with no direction.
just letting the bumps lead you.

well, heck.
that's no good.
no good at all!

and i really think that in a certain area of my life, that's what's been
goin' on. and yesterday between that bumpin' thru and then bein'
hit by the big waves, i took it all out on myself.

i beat myself up.

like that's helpful.

this morning i figure i've already been hit by the waves. nothing
i can do about that. but i can do something about being jostled
in a faceless crowd.....

i love walkin' fast. i really do.
i like walkin' fast with a direction and a goal and my eyes on
where it is i'm headin'. i do that in a store and the guys can't keep
up with me. i weave between people and scoot along edges and
move as smoothly as i can, and i love that. i can do that in a store, and
i can do that in ways i live my life - if i think about it and intend to.

i haven't been doin' that in an area in my life that i need to.
i want to create what i'm living. i want to grab it and love it
and enjoy it and keep my eyes on the point of it all.

for pete's sakes. that's what i WANT.
and i can't let outside influences change that.
i just can't.
and that's what i've been doing.

so maybe i needed the waves.
maybe i needed to be knocked silly.
maybe i needed to almost have a fight with myself.
maybe kicking myself - while i don't think is a good thing -
woke me up a bit to harm i'm doing to myself.

i really feel like pushin' thru the crowd today.
i really do.
and i tell ya, it feels awfully good.....

who knew the power of christmas lights?

this is gonna start out sounding negative.
but it so isn't.
really.

it's something that when i heard i went right to myself
and told myself to remember this and concentrate
on the good....don't do the negative stuff.

i really want to use this and remember this.
i thought i'd offer it here for anyone else who this works
with.

it starts with people. and people say things.
and then they tell me about it.
seems like that happens a lot.
people tell me what other people said about me.
it's weird.
but i do feel like i get that a lot.

anyway, thru the grapevine, i heard a neighbor was
grumbling about me putting up my christmas lights so early.

this kinda made me grin right away,
cause the nite after we put ours up, we saw another
neighbor put theirs up and we were so delighted!
we said 'hey! maybe we started something!'
well, apparently, not with everyone.
and this one neighbor wasn't liking the whole deal.

so i heard about it.

now, here's the deal......the person who doesn't like it,
is a nice person. she really is. and if she knew that i did
it to honor someone i lost, she'd feel completely different
about it. if she knew i did it cause it made me feel good on
a hard day, she'd be all for it.

but she doesn't know that.
and for some kooky reason it hits something irritating inside
of her.

i've got kooky stuff that hits irritating stuff inside of me.
and truly, when i step back and look at that stuff i gotta say
'huh? why?'

there's no reason for me to be irritated by most things i'm
irritated at. and if i really knew what was goin' on, i bet
there's really not much at all out there that'd rank as irritating.

and that's what hit me about the story.
i'm fine that she's irritated.
if it comes up, i'll explain.
if it doesn't, i won't.
i love my lights, and i'm perfectly comfortable with anyone
feeling whatever they feel about them. so i don't have a problem
there. it really doesn't matter.

what i get is that someone really nice would feel differently if
they had the whole story.

and i know darn well that's me a whole lotta times.

and i want to change that.
i really do.

it's funny how incredibly meaningful xmas lights are becoming to me.
when my dad was dying, the drive back and forth from the hospital
was so much easier because of those lights. i was amazed at how
much they meant to me. and now they help me get thru a rough day,
and a hard time. and now......they'll be reminding me to remember
there's usually more going on than i know,  and to just allow and be.

isn't that the coolest thing?
i wanted to share....

and it continues...

what a day!
what a gorgeous day!
i work pretty hard most of the time and i forget how good
i can be at totally relaxing.
i'm good at relaxing.
ohmygosh.
give me a whole day of it and i can settle right into it.

and the cooking/clean up actually ends up easier than a normal day
cause everyone's involved.

it's such a good group.
we get along great.
there's the hangin' out talkin,
the takin' a walk,
the cookin',
the eating,
the eating,
the eating,
the playing the games,
we even looked at the stars last nite thru josh's telescope.
i saw the bands on jupiter. and jupiter's moons.
talk about a sight that puts your life in perspective.
i saw multiple galaxies and stood there trying to comprehend that.
i didn't. i couldn't. but it was so awesome.
and then we came over here to a holiday movie and some
final hanging out.

and there's more today.....
the holiday continues.
we put the tree up today.
hangin' the ornaments is one of those moments every year that
memories of a life time flood over me and the size of the guys and
how they've grown, and the years flying by all kinda buzz around
the room for me. it's one of those moments every year that hit me
as a reminder to enjoy it all as it moves along so quickly.

there's so much mixed into these couple days.
and i'm concentrating on the blessings and the love
and holding that with all i have.

happy thanksgiving....

it seems like it should be so easy -

a day to take off and just celebrate gratitude.
a day to think of your blessings and enjoy them.

it can get pretty complicated, can't it?
throw all that family into the mix,
throw in missing people who aren't here with us,
and people who are here driving us nuts,
throw in cleaning and cooking and all that......
and it can get pretty crazy.

i don't think i've ever once had a thanksgiving that wasn't
complicated. well, i guess when i was a kid. but it's been
a long time.

but i think this is the first year that i want to kinda hold the
complications themselves as part of the gratitude.
i've tried that before.
but there's a bit more growth in that area this year for me.
i think it makes more sense to me this time around.

i've always been grateful in spite of the hard things.
not because of them.
but they're part of it.
and they add to it.
they add a whole lot.

whatever's mixed into the day and around the edges....
there  might be grief, struggle, some kinda aching....
those are all things that give us the opportunity to be who we are.
those are the things that call our compassion up.
those are the things that call us to be more.

it's not about everything being perfect and wonderful,
it's about everything being full and human.
and the fact that we muddle thru, find pieces of love,
offer our hearts even when they hurt, and stop and gasp
at a sunset even thru tears.

it's the whole deal.
feeling grateful for the whole.
not just the good.

i have a card i wrote a few years back that says this kinda thing......
and it's actually called 'thanksgiving'.....so i've gotten this concept
before....but this year, i feel like i got an extra layer to it.....
and i hope each year to just go a little deeper into the thought.
i think it's depths can go pretty far.....


"she closed her eyes and thought of her year.  it couldn't be just the "good" she was thankful for.  it had to be the "all"... the fullness, the depths, the journey. the dance of Life. for these she gave thanks."


wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving.
may you remember your light today and may you
remember that in the darkness, it has the opportunity to shine.

tasting the stars

'is there a salve for the wounds of shame?' she asked.
a gentle smile spread across the old woman's face.
leaning closer, she whispered,
'ah yes, but it's more than that.
much more.
use it abundantly with kindness and sincerity
and it becomes fire for the soul.
it lights the very stars inside of you back to life.
it is compassion.
have compassion for yourself and others -
deep compassion, freely given,
and you will do more than heal those wounds,
you will truly live for the first time,
and you will taste the stars.'

in the way again....

there are times it's funny - this feeling of always being in the way....

like with the bone sigh quote of the day.

it took me forever to agree to do that. the guys kept sayin'
it was a good idea, but i felt very 'in the way' with it.

'but mom,' the guys argued, 'people SIGN UP for it, you don't
just sign them up!'

oh yeah.

it took awhile, and i agreed.
and any time anyone unsubbed from  it, i felt sooooo in the way.
zakk finally made it so i wouldn't see that part. he figured life would
just be easier that way.

it really can be funny.

and then, it really can be hard.

and it's one of those feelings that just swoops up on ya.
you know those?
you'll be goin' along fine and then swoop! it's all over you.

i hate that.

i walked and thought about it today.
where it came from.
spent a few moments there, but didn't feel like dwellin' in all that.
i know where it's from.

and  how sad we give that to people.
how sad we take it from people.

now what to do with it.
that's what i gotta figure out.

cause apparently i took it a long time ago and haven't ever
put it down.

is that cause i haven't chosen to?
or i can't?

hard to believe i really can't.

THAT would be sad.
but i don't really believe that.

it's sad people do things to each other, and it's sad
we take things and hurt ourselves with them.....all that's sad....
but it's life.
it's part of the journey.
the really sad part would be never changing it.
never becoming who you really are because of that stuff.

i can just peel it off over and over again.
i guess i can do that.

but that's not the same as getting rid of it.

i think there's a lot to it. a lot stuck in the roots of it all.
and certain situations so feed into it.

did i pick those situations?
did i set myself up for these feelings to come over and over again?
or would they come no matter what?

what does it say about my depths if i feel in the way a whole lotta times?

not real proud of that.
but it's there.

and it's up to me to talk to those depths......

i don't think there's a quick fix.
all i can think of is workin' with all the parts of me....
just over and over reminding myself that i'm not in the way,
that i matter, and that people's messages from long ago don't matter anymore.

and maybe grieve a little bit for a little girl who didn't know she was a treasure.

bein' a candle

so i'm probably hacking up this whole thought i read in the
'conversations with god' book...but it's been workin' for me,
so i haven't gone back to see what all i've messed up.

it's just this little idea -

that you put a candle in the darkness.

it's job is to be a candle.
to experience its light.

that's it.
that's the deal.
experience its light.

the darkness is everything it's not.
and it's surrounded by darkness -
but in that darkness it can shine so bright.
all it has to do is be what it is.

okay. so i think i hacked that a bit.
but it's close.
and it's workin' for me.

and i've been playing with it.

i can think of things in my life that are like darkness to me.

and what happens to me is i get really muddled.

i think i was kinda trained to 'fix' things.
make things better.
believe in the pretty endings all the time.

so i don't think of myself as a candle.
more like a wrench or something.

so i get in this darkness and i get muddled.
i give everything of myself away trying to make this darkness
light - or at least LIGHTER - and i can't.

and i think there must be something wrong with me.
if i just give a little more, or try a  little harder or be a little bit better,
it will all get lighter. that if i did it right, it would all be better.

and i've finally come to realize that's not true.

that things don't always lighten.

but i still get muddled.
those instincts are there.
and if i can't do that, i don't want to get near it all.
i feel like it will consume me and i don't know how to handle stuff.

and i think that's pretty much a good summary of how i've dealt with life.

but then this little candle idea comes along.

what if there's nothing to do but be?
be what you are?
and that's it.

even in the midst of things that you are not.

just be your light.

so okay, i've read this before, worked with this thought before.
as with a whole lot of my thoughts.
they come thru in cycles.
but it seems like each time they cycle down just a little bit deeper.

this one keeps workin' on me this time around.

every hard situation, i've been slippin' it in.
and it truly helps me to focus, and to not get muddled.

thing is....i haven't braved some of the stuff that i stay away from.
i haven't voluntarily braved those things.
i figure they'll get put in my face soon enough.

but if i can get the hang of this, who knows? maybe i'll venture in to those
things that i lock the door against now....

because a candle doesn't need to lock the door.
all it needs to do is experience its flame.

kinda a cool idea, isn't it?

speaking of honoring...

my gosh, my buddy, mary, totally honored me and the guys
in her blog post....and i wanted to share!

wooo hooo! you read this and we sound pretty darn awesome!
and yeah, i know it's cause she loves us.
love can color people pretty darn beautifully!

and it's with great delight that i share it with you.

just click here!

honoring her today

four years ago today she took her life.

she was only 18.

and i tell ya, i still think of her all the time.

she's inspired a few things i've created,
including the book 'honor yourself' -
which for me, is the most important thing i've
ever made.

she echoes in my head when i'm trying to
reach out to someone having a hard time.

and i think of her a lot when i look at my sons'
faces, all of them are now past 18. and with each
birthday they have, she floats in my mind, and i think
of how she won't ever feel their ages that they've
become.

and i have never once seen a violin since she's passed
without a certain feeling spreading all over me.

she's been on my mind a lot as i've been thinking about
trying to accept life and how it goes, and the idea of flowing with it.
i don't think i've ever 'accepted' much about her story,
and i know that. so when i want to see how i work and what
i feel, she's one of the places i go to.

it is now a tradition for me, i think this is my second year
of doing so, and i plan on doing it forever now...to hang
my outside holiday lights up on this day.

to add light to the darkness in her honor.
it's something i can do to remember.

so that's the plan today. and to think of her as i goof outside
with the guys. they know why i want to do this today, and all
of them are joining in. and that right there, is something
so incredible.

there will be love and light today in her honor.
and she will be so inside my heart today.

what door?

it had seemed so profound as i rolled over
in the middle of the nite with the sentence echoing
in my ears -

'don't lift the buildings, go thru the door instead.'

it had come from a dream i had just had.
where i didn't have to lift a stack of buildings
to get to what was underneath...
(it was a dream, what can i say?)
that was the hard way......it really was as easy
as walking thru the door that led down there.

i woke up and lay in bed thinking about it.
it didn't feel quite as earth shattering this morning.

but as i type it, i like it all over again.

are the buildings me?
and the things that make up who i am?
and i want to get underneath all that and see
what's there?

absolutely.
that's been on my mind for a bit now.

it's as easy as walking thru the door that leads
down there.

hmmmmmmm.......
okay.

so where's the door?

a perfect day...

i don't think i travel with anyone on the planet as well as i travel
with josh.

we have some sorta weird link where we can have the same
rhythms, the same moods...we can just think alike sometimes.
bob shakes his head sometimes and says it's like we're clones.
and it makes traveling together so easy.

it was josh and i on an adventure today.
and i gotta say it was one of the best days i've had all year.

we went to visit friends who are like family to us.
we went there to be there for them, and because i needed
to be with them.

we went to just get away and goof.

we went to just talk and be.

and we did it all.

when we got home and reported the trip to zakk and noah,
we were laughing in delight with all the things that they
would have hated.

to stopping to help the guy with car trouble, with josh pulling
out his wire cutters saying it was a wrench and then realizing
it was wire cutters while the very capable man looked at us
as if we had just landed from the moon, and then us realizing
the guy didn't need any help anyway and laughing and climbing back in the car...

to walking with a friend to the top of a mountain talking serious
about the passing of his mom and life and death and dealing
with loved ones passing as we gazed at the mountains...

to cackling with unbridled craziness as josh dictated a story he's
working on as he drove and i typed on his lap top egging him
on with complete and total joy.

"no! no! you gotta add this!" i'd say and egg him on more.....
he looked at me at one point, his face it up with a huge smile
and said 'it's two writers in the car!'

when we pulled to the corner to turn into my neighborhood i
looked up and said 'wow, we're home already.'

and i realized it was the first time ever that i pulled up at that
corner from being out of town without thinking about what time
i'd be home and timing it in some way. i had enjoyed every
second of the trip and never tried to figure out when it was
ending.

we just suddenly were there pulling into home,
gathering our treasures we had gotten along the way to
head in and show the guys.

it was a perfect perfect day.

and more!

okay........had to share the other tidbits i read that made me gasp
as i read from 'women who run with the wolves' yesterday.

'if a woman is shunned, it is almost always because she has done or
is about to do something in the wildish range...It must be be remembered
that an oppressed woman not so much refuses to fit as she
cannot fit without also dying. her spiritual integrity is at stake,
and she will try to be free in whatever ways are available, even if
they put her at risk.''

"when the collective is hostile to a woman's natural life, rather
than accept the derogatory or disrespectful labels that are place
upon her, she can and must, hold on, hold out, and search for that
which she belongs to - and preferably outlive, outthrive, and outcreate
those who vilified her."

"So we cannot be shocked that there is entropy, deterioration, hard times.
let us understand that the issues that entrap women's joy will always shift
and shape change, but in our wild nature we find the absolute stamina,
the necessary libido for all necessary acts of heart."

those are some more of the tidbits i read.
i tell ya, i wanted to just grab the women in the room and read these
to them....but um....it just didn't seem like the right time.
as it was, it was all i could do not to gasp too loud!

i'm learning

i had just bragged to my buds in email that i knew how to
take care of myself and as a matter of fact, i was gonna take
a cooking break today and just cook for the sheer fun of it.

half-way thru the cooking, my elderly neighbor called and needed
a ride to the doc's. she was scared and having a hard time.

not long later i found myself standing in a way overcrowded doctor's
office. my gosh, there were a lotta people there. i kept thinking how
lucky i was that i was just a driver and not a patient.

we waited an hour to see the guy. and i stood the whole time reading.
i started out with a little instruction book on welding i had brought.
when i finished that i went on to 'women who run with the wolves.'

and i grinned.
okay....i AM learning how to take care of myself...even in the midst
of helping someone else.

and i tell ya i read some awesome awesome stuff!

she tells of some experiment that's been done with dogs....
(and i know that's not cool to do to dogs...i do know that)
but it's about having a dog in some kinda kennel and shocking one
side of it and he learns to go to the other side, then changing sides
on him, and him learning to change sides, then wiring the whole floor
for random shocks so the dog wouldn't know which place to go to.
(i know, it sucks they did that) the dog acted confused at first, then
panicked, and then finally the dog 'gave up' and lay down, taking the
shocks as they came.

then when they opened the cage door, the dog didn't rush out. it could
leave at will but it stayed taking the shocks.

'when a creature is exposed to violence, it will tend to adapt to that
disturbance, so that when the violence ceases or the creature is allowed
its freedom, the healthy instinct to flee is hugely diminished, and the
creature stays put instead.'

'In terms of the wildish nature of women, it is this normalization of violence,
and what scientists  subsequently termed 'learned helplessness,' that
influences women to not only stay with drunken mates, abusive employers
and groups that exploit and harass them but causes them to feel unable
to rise up to support the things they believe in with all their hearts: their art,
ther love, their lifestyles, their politics.'

holy cow!
that helped me a lot in understanding something i never could understand.
i thought this would be good to put here.

there's more great quotes......and they'll tumble out by and by here.........

the final act of taking care of myself was driving my neighbor home the way
i wanted to go at the speed i wanted to go - driving comfortable with how
i drive and letting my neighbor deal with it. that was liberating for me.
i used to go extra slow and whatever way she wanted. sigh. it's the little things
that i gotta take back sometimes!!!

i'm learning!!!

rambling wanderings

there's all these strings inside me right now.

there's this really big one -
it's that i want to just enjoy my life.

that's it.

i want to laugh and be present and enjoy all that i've got.

i've been really concentrating on that.
big on my mind.
and i can see the affects of it. good stuff.
and i feel myself laugh and enjoy and i love it.

then there's the struggles - they're there.
and i don't want them to overshadow everything.
and i've been working on that.

and then there's this feeling where i want to get okay with all of life.
all of it.
the struggles too.

so i kinda look at the struggles and tilt my head and wonder about
all that.....can i get to a place where i'm okay with them?
can i get to a place where i trust that they're part of the journey?
REALLY trust?

i've been playing with that too.
i've thought all this stuff before...but i'm playing with it a lot more lately.

and then there's this string that i don't even know what we'd describe it as -
something in my life that deeply bothers me.
it's not a struggle....unless it's a struggle to get okay with it.
it's not like i have to do anything about it.
it's just there.
and it bothers me so much i don't talk to anyone about it.
bob hears bits and pieces, but no one really knows what's inside me about it.
it's too deep and i don't know how to share it.

it's kinda flaring up right now.
on my mind.

while at the same time, the wanting to enjoy life and be present is there,
and wanting to be okay with the struggles...
all this is tangled up inside of me.

i was thinking about the stuff i don't talk about with anyone, and i was thinking
of holding this sorrow that is so deep i have no words for it, while at the same
time being present in my life and enjoying it.

i don't have it down really good yet.
i'm just beginning.
but the older i get, the more i think i can see that this is how i need to learn to live.
i mean REALLY learn it.

right now i sorta dodge in between everything. try to deal with what's up at the
moment. sometimes sad, sometimes happy. dodging around.
but what if i stopped dodging and held it all all at once with the complete knowing
that somehow it was all okay?
somehow it had to be.
it is what it is.
really, really know that.

i've thought this stuff before, touched on it a little bit.
but this time......i'm thinking there is no other way to really really hold life.
and i know i gotta do it.
i'm filled with this feeling of it's time to do it.

so i'm looking at this tangled heap inside myself
and i actually think it's possible to pull this off.
not tomorrow, or next week...
but i think i can get there.

and i'm thinking that the big news that's buried in these thoughts is this -
to do that, i have to trust the capacity of my heart to not shut down and to
truly feel all this stuff at once....and i think i'm getting to the place where i
really want to...and i'm really really learning to believe in my heart.

moments

and she couldn't come in from the rain...

it wasn't raining when i started.
just gray.
but then it started gently coming down.
and it just didn't stop.
and i couldn't stop either.

it felt so good. and i just didn't want to end the walk.

i wondered why more people don't walk in the rain.
on purpose.
for healing purposes.

cause there's something about it.

talk about washing your aura or something.
it's just so good.
i just glided thru the rain.
as if i belonged there.

and i smiled.
yesterday the highlight of my day was the smiles
being passed between my sons and i as we raked.
truly was by far the highlight.

this morning i didn't think life could get any better than
a walk in the rain.

these moments, i thought....live them, terri.
these are what matter.....

raking it in...

and so we raked.
and raked.
and raked.

she's elderly, so we helped there.
he's sick, so we helped there.
could we do them both in time?

trying to beat the rain, running inside between jobs
for some food, check business, and back out.

and it was so fun.
cause we had to hurry cause of the rain, we had no time for this anyway,
and we knew it was the thing to do. the rushing added to the fun.

there was leaf tossing here and there,
blasts in the face from the leaf blower,
and elaborate tosses of tarps.

and towards the end, i wasn't the only one slowing down.
even zakk was showing signs of wear.

i saw the biggest spider i ever saw in one yard,
and a black widow with one heck of an hour glass in another.
i tossed a little snake outta harms way, and wondered when i
got inside what things i carried with me without even knowing it.

and i laughed more, smiled more, and felt more alive than i have in ages.

and here's the coolest part.......every time i looked up at noah or zakk,
i was so glad to be out there with them. the smiles that passed between us,
the laughter, the just being a team.....it was absolutely being a family in
the truest sense. i knew it. and it felt great.

snippets.....

it's been way way way too long since i've read any of
'conversations with god' (book 1)
one of my all time favorites.

it's time again.

and what do i come across?

'There is only one reason to do anything: as a statement
to the universe of Who You Are.'

'And forget not Who You Are in the moment of your encirclement
by that which you are not. But do you praise to the situation, even
as you seek to change it.
And know that what you do in the time of your greatest trial
can be your greatest triumph, for the experience you create
is a statement of Who You Want to Be.'

that's a whole lot for me to think on today.
the part that really gets me is praising the situation even
as you seek to change it...the only way you can really do
that is by buying the rest of the thought, i think.

which i think i do.
but my gosh, it's gonna take some holding here.
had to share........

thinking...

i was walking and thinking.
thinking that it's not about what others can give us.

i grinned.
it's been quite a journey to get to that thought.

those of us who were raised as 'good girls' who always
looked out for what other people needed were taught that right away.
it was our code of ethics -
it's not about what others give us, it's what we give others.

and so we live that life, until it explodes, because you know that's
not gonna work forever -  and then we try to find some kinda balance.
and in that search, it's very much about what others can give us.
cause we've never operated from that angle before,
and we need to now.

and in that search, if we're lucky, we're trying to make it all healthy.

and that's where i've been for awhile now.
but i think that's where i'm leaving.

cause i'm pretty sure i'm strong enough now, and independent enough now,
to be okay with that thought in a healthy way - it's not about what others give us.

thing is.....there's a second sentence that's equally important.

and it's not about what we give others. 

that part is a really big one for me.
well, actually both parts are pretty big for me.

but i've always thought it was about what i give others,
even when i was getting too.

but i don't think so this morning.

i think it's about who we are.

and that's it.

who we are and who we want to be in each moment of living.

and...well, that's prolly more than enough.
kinda wears me out just thinking about it.
there's a lotta responsibility in that thought.
and yet, it frees up a whole lot at the same time,
feels exciting.

and i'm wondering why this isn't some kinda mainstream concept.
maybe it is, and i've missed it all my life.

i  know it's dabbled in before, and lingered, and i've gotten
distracted with what i can get. and what i should give.
but it's back again.

and i happen to know i'm a whole lot stronger these days.
maybe it'll stay and let me watch for awhile.

wings of starlight...

'now the stars weren't just running thru her veins,
they were adorning her wings as well.
and it was in their light,
that she learned how to fly.'

whew

so this is a p.s. to the post below.
might wanna read that one first....

just so we're clear.....
i took a hot shower and revived my soul....
and then......put on my onsie over my pj's so no unwanted
crickets can find their way in......

whew.
i feel safer now.

so the cricket had a worse day....

it was one of those days.

one of those days that was challenging my very depths.
one of those days.

one of those days that says 'oh yeah? you think you got that down?
oh yeah? try this on for size.'

one of those days.

when finally i fell apart and just cried.

wondering if i should even dare return the call from my surrogate mom,
knowing i'd fall apart, but wanting to hear about her special day...
i decided to call.

faking it really good at first and hearing about her celebration,
we laughed and joked.

it was when she asked me how i was, that the flood of tears erupted.
as i was trying to get a grip i reached down and itched my leg.
i'm on the phone, looking down at my jeans and she's talking to me.
and i realize there's a lump of something in my jeans that's making
my leg itch.

oh my gosh.

what is this?

i squish it.

it gooshes.

and it's not part of me.

it's some sort of monster bug in my jeans.

i'm trying to be polite but this is getting pretty disgusting on my end.
and i'm freakin' out in a very polite sort of way.
yeah, cause that's what i do.
i  know.
amazing.

finally i tell her 'there's a bug in m jeans. hang on i gotta pull these things
off.'

and i'm laughing and crying and totally grossed out and don't want to know
what it was. but i do want to know what it was.

i get back on the phone and we joke about it all as i go round up some more jeans.
and i dump the dead bug outta my old jeans.

oh man.

i spose one could say it was a way worse day for the cricket.

i spose one could.

and the phone call?
one of the most comforting ones i've ever had in my life.
even with the bug incident.

there's a reason she's my surrogate mom.
and i just so needed someone to love me right then.
and there she was.
loving me like no one's business.
and telling me and showing me all in ways i could see and understand.

i thought it was a funny story with the bug.....
but it's really a great story with the love............

a long awaited turn

it's not just partner love.
it's not just love of others.
it's self love too.

i've been searching for ten years.

always always saying i have a long way to go,
and i don't know how to love like i want to.

between today and yesterday i've opened a door,
i've stepped inside, and i've dared to say i crossed
a threshold i've been waiting for for ten years.

i know i've only crossed the threshold.

i know that.

and i know it won't make everything all rosy and right.

i know that.

but i also know i've been searching for this turn.
and i've finally finally come to it.

it's one of thousands on a very windy and long road.

but i couldn't be more deeply grateful for it right now if i tried.

because i know i'm closer now to real love than i've ever been
in my whole life.

and it's all happening inside me.
it's not about anyone else in the world.
and yet it so is.

if it all melts in my hands tomorrow, i've had one full day
of watching it and feeling it.
and i couldn't be more grateful.

wings?

well the leaves sure weren't dead outside today...
they were gorgeous.
with the wind blowin' and them just glowin' in the morning light.

i walked and i soaked it all up.
it felt so darn good.

i feel like i'm on the verge of a 'religious experience' without the religious part.
altho i'm sure god stuff is mixed in there.

yesterday i felt my insides crack open.
and i let them.
not sure i could stop it.
but i didn't even try.

and today i feel like there's this whoosh of things coming in and out of me.
out of the cracked open part.
into the cracked open part.

and i don't know what's goin' on.
but i'm watchin'.
and i'm feeling.
and i'm letting it.

and i'm loving it.
cause it doesn't involve anyone else but me.

i love that part.

i have so much struggle with my reactions to other people
or things goin' on in other people's lives.
or me and other people.
or tryin to not hold other people's pain.
or whatever about other people.

this one's all mine.
every time i look it's all mine.
and that doesn't feel lonely or scary or anything like that.
it feels so darn good and so darn right.

you know what it feels like?!
oh my gosh!
it just hit me.

how does a chrysalis work?
do they crack open?
they do, don't they?

ohmygosh......that's what it feels like.
like 'my old skin' - or 'my old being' cracked open,
and something that's been growing and changing is coming out now.

wouldn't that be the most awesome thing?
i need some time to watch this.
i need some time to let it happen.

i need some time for the goo to dry on my wings.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

on my wings.

ha!
how totally cool would that be?!

holding them

'look the leaves are dead'

why would that little snippet of lyrics move me?
what does it even move inside of me?
is it the way he sings it?
that's got to have a lot to do with it.
the music behind it, how he sings it, and those
words.

i'm not even sure what it hits every time i hear it.
and i hear it a lot as i keep playing the song over
and over.

and i sing it and i feel it inside of me, and i can't quite
get what it's touching.

it's touching something about life.
and how it doesn't work out how we want it to.
and that's the way it is a lotta the times.

and i think of that on this veteran's day.

and i think of vets and what they've been thru...
and how the world keeps spinning in its awfulness
and its beauty. its hell and its heaven and its everything in between.

and i think how odd it is that what i have to offer is
thoughts on some lyrics that keep haunting me.

but it's not the little snippet of lyrics.
it's that feeling deep deep inside that just kinda grabs
at me but won't let me really look it in the eyes.

it's a feeling of sorrow and acceptance.
and knowing that this is how life is.

on this veteran's day, i offer my heart which is full of that feeling
right now. and i honor the vets who are dealing with the
hauntings of war. and the vets who have passed and hopefully
have found peace. my heart is holding them today.

another doorway...

so what do i do?
how do i handle this?

you get comfortable with yourself.
you understand that it's all within you.
and you relax into that.

'you get comfortable with yourself'
turns out that concept is a lot like 'honesty'
i thought i had it down, easy peasy.
then i discovered it was so slippery and hard to hold
and i really barely knew what it was.

i do believe i've entered another doorway...

thud...right outta my chair!

sometimes there are some quotes that just knock me to the floor.

check this out -

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."


that's from ol' lao tzu.
i wonder what he was like in person.
man. 
man.
man.


that's my quote for the day.....

oh for pete's sakes........

what if all your life you're looking for something that you won't
ever be able to get?

what if you look, and you think and you try, and you change things a bit,
and you try again, and you look and you think and you keep tryin' so
hard...but you can't get what it is you want?

maybe it's because you keep looking outside yourself.
you know not to do that.
you know better.
and you try real hard to keep turning your eyes inward.
but you think what you want is from outside you.
it's ingrained in you that's where it is.
it's from way way down deep and being a kid...
it's from the time you were being molded into who you are...

i rode my bike fast and listened to lyrics that were speaking
to me.
and i think it was that darn song about looking for a hero
that's gotten me before....it got me again.

and i remember thinking the hero is in me.
and once again i listened to these lyrics, knew it again.
the hero is in me. i listened about
them locking up the sun....and needing a hero....

and i thought of my heart.
and the incredible brightness it can have.
and how it gets locked up.

and how i really really need to be my own hero.
for me.
i need to do it for me.

i biked and i biked and i biked.

and then, i got off my bike, thinking i was okay,
and then i promptly burst into tears and lay on my bed a bit crying.
really crying.
crying harder than i've cried in a long time.

great.
great.

did i say i was gonna be strong today and not meltdown?

but it wasn't a melt down.
and i gotta say, there was strength in the sobbing.
i know there was.
cause i kinda knew what was happening and i let it.
i didn't stop it.

it was like something breaking open.

it was like this incredible crack inside of me.

and somehow i welcomed it and hated it and loved it,
and grieved it all at once.

and i knew, i just knew that i had to let go of what i've been
carrying my whole life.

that it was serving me no good.
and that it was only hurting me at this point.

and i knew that would take some grieving and some space and
some compassion.

and i knew that moment was important.

that i need to look. i need to really really look.
and i need to leave that wanting behind.

and i need to know that i am enough just as i am.
exactly where i am.
and that life is enough just as it is.
exactly where it is.

and i need to know what i'm looking for doesn't exist outside of myself.
and that that is okay.
and maybe......maybe......if i can really really wrap my head around this......
maybe i'll know it's more than okay.
it's perfect.

i'm so gonna try.
i lay there and a book popped in my mind to read.
it'll help, i thought.

and i got up and pulled it down off the shelf.
i'm not gonna wallow.
i'm gonna grow.

i thought of my adopted mom.
she's a big believer in reincarnation.
and when i struggle with something she tells me if i don't get it i'll
be back to try again. we always laugh and  it always jolts me into trying harder.
i thought of that and smiled.

i want to get it this time around.
whether it's the only time around or the millionth time around.
i want to get it.
i really do.

it really is all about me.
i really am my own hero.
and that really is perfect.

life after meltdowns....

yesterday afternoon i had a mini melt down.
life wasn't workin' with me quite like i wanted it to,
the feeling overwhelmed me and i let it.

no one was here, so i could kinda just collapse in it
and let it run thru.

then i got up, told myself life was what you made it,
and got myself up to continue on....only to completely
screw up my evening.

oh yeah.

having already had my mini meltdown earlier, this second
meltdown was calmer. not any better. but calmer.
i did what i had to do and you could barely tell my insides
were melting.

i'm getting better and better at that.
i wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing?

so i got up today kinda nervous for the day.
great.
i gotta face the same things.
and apparently, i'm not doin' so great with them.

but i think the whole meltdown idea has given me something to
work with.

i don't really want my insides to melt, ya know?

so maybe instead of just trying to get thru without a meltdown today,
i ought to do things i can to counter the melting.

well, that sounds good. but what counters a meltdown?
my first thought was 'ice'.......and i laughed.
no. don't think gettin' icy on the inside is a good thing.

hmmmmmm.......maybe just visualizing the strength inside of me.
i didn't used to know i was strong.
i just did what i had to do, you know?
but i am strong.
and maybe knowing that, knowing life goes its course and
fighting it doesn't build muscles, flowing with it does....
maybe that would help?

nah.
that's no help.

well, the knowing i'm strong is.
and knowing life goes its course is.
just telling myself not to fight it doesn't do much good.
altho, i'll try that a bit.

i think what would help today is a little mantra.
over and over.
i am strong.
i am strong.
i am strong.

and no more than that to start.
cause maybe that'll lead to something else.

and the truth is - i am strong.
and i will flow with what life hands me.

so go do it, ter.

our art

it was one of those quiet periods in the day in elementary school.

the teacher prolly had enough and took a break and had us all color.

i don't remember much except coloring at my desk. but apparently

there was talking and sharing of pictures because while we colored,

the teacher announced to the class that she was impressed with how

i had something nice to say about everyone's art. she had been watching

and thought it was cool that i was encouraging everyone. something like

that. 

i remembered that as i made the bed this morning. and i smiled. 

and then i thought of the tiny little gallery i had helped run for awhile when i 

first started bone sighs. i said i'd join if it was open to everyone.

i would not stay if it turned into a place where we juried art and told

people they weren't good enough to be there. if everyone wasn't

welcome, i didn't want to be there. and everyone who came in found

only encouragement from me.

hmmmm....and the little girl carries it into womanhood.

i thought about what i was like as a kid and how so much has carried

over. there's the obvious stuff of the inspirational quotes i had all over

my walls, and how whenever i needed to think, i'd take a walk - even

as kid.

i look back at all that and shake my head. that stuff just hasn't left.

but i wouldn't have known about the encouraging others if that teacher

hadn't said anything. i really didn't know i did. 

and then when i looked at the stuff with gallery and including everyone,

i realized i still do it. i kinda knew. i just don't think about it.

i look back at my quirks that are still with me, and my basic demeanor.

yep. still there. you coulda written out a lot of who i'd be.

but here's the thing....

there was a lotta stuff i needed to refine - like learning to be there for

others in a healthy way. 

stuff we learn as we get older.

stuff i have grown and refined.

but the stuff was either obvious stuff or imperative stuff.

stuff that if i didn't refine, i'd sink.

but what about the not obvious stuff, the stuff that doesn't seem imperative (yet)?

i haven't bothered.

i haven't looked.

i haven't really thought about it a whole lot.

or maybe now and then it hits me and then i forget.

last nite i was thinking about how much of our childhood still runs us.

where does mine still direct and pull me without me even knowing?

where do the negatives come in? and where are they dominating that

i don't even notice. 

i was shy back then.

still am.

i felt in the way back then.

still do.

i was clunky and uncoordinated.

still am.

undervalued myself back then.

still do.

the list goes on.

hello?

just because you WERE something, doesn't mean you still have to be.

i love this line -

hmmmm....and the little girl carries it into womanhood.

couldn't the little girl carry it into womanhood and change it?

couldn't the woman understand that those things were about a little

girl who didn't see the whole picture, who didn't understand her own

personal value?

couldn't the little girl grow into a woman who understands there's

beauty inside all of us, including herself? and couldn't the woman

show the little girl that still lives inside of her now healthier ways to
view her self? healthier ways of her subtle interactions with life?

how about this.......

hmmmm....and the little girl carries it into womanhood.

and the woman paints beautiful colors on the places that needed

them, and together they carry beauty into the world. 

why not?

we had all the colors when we were kids.

and we painted ourselves in the best way a kid can paint.

but i don't think we realize it. and i think maybe we stop creating ourselves

and let those beginning sketches and paintings of who we are stay untouched.

but i know i've acquired buckets of new paints since then.

and i have some touching up to do.

hmmmm....and the little girl carries her painting into womanhood.

and the woman adds her colors and glitter and hues on the places that needed to fade,
and together they carry the creation of themselves into the world. 

holding the painting in their hands, knowing their hands are the painting,
their soul the colors, they offer their art. 

the return of the apes.....

i'm thinking there's some heavy duty snoring for me in the morning tomorrow...
so thought i'd blog now.

my boys are comin' home!

noah and zakk have been out of town doin' some really cool things.
which i would gush on and on about, but i try to respect privacy.
i really really do.

i've been busy bein' a big girl over here on my own.

i was wondering how i would do.
and i'm proud to say, i did swimmingly!
i enjoyed my time alone and handled all the little things that need
to be handled thru the day.
some were quite comical, but they were handled just the same.

but tonite, the boys come home!

and i plan on sitting up late and hearing all their stories.

i learned something while they were gone -
i learned i really AM okay being on my own.

i look at my elderly neighbor and worry about what it's like.
but i forget, i'm not elderly just yet.
and i can dance around the kitchen and sing and talk to myself
and do whatever needs to be done.
and i was surprised at how joyful i was thru the times no one was
around.

joyful.

go figure.

i liked being on my own.
and that discovery made me very very happy.

altho, between all the happenings, i wasn't even alone as much as i wanted
to be! which is funny....and also reminds me that alone doesn't mean
you stop living.....there's still lots goin' on.

all in all, bein' a big girl worked well for me.

i'm quite relieved.

and i'm gonna be anything but mature when those guys come
walkin' in my front door tonite!

there will be much squealing and a great deal of hugging!
my apes are coming home.......

bucket lists....

while having dinner with josh and a friend of his last nite,
the subject of 'bucket lists' came up.
his friend had just been thru an emergency health ordeal
that almost cost him his life. we were celebrating his being
here and talking about it all.

so no surprise when bucket lists were mentioned.

josh turned to me and asked if i had one.
i grinned, said i had something on there recently, but i couldn't
remember what it was. and i laughed. then i mumbled something
about 'the moments' and kinda passed it back.

a few things were goin' on with me there.
for one, i love the concept of a bucket list. i think it's such a
cool fun thing.
and yet, i can't come up with one.
and at first i felt so dumb about that.
which is pretty funny in itself. what a thing to feel dumb about!
but i have.

i remember the first time i tried making one with someone,
i was sitting with my sister in law in chemotherapy as she
had chemo being dripped into her. she brought it up and i had
nothing to put on the list. i concentrated on her, but realized i
was really lame with my part. the whole thing felt weird right
then and i was at a loss of what to say.

but i've thought of it since then, and still don't have great fun
things to put on there.

when josh asked, and i mumbled something about the moments,
i knew that that was my truth. but it makes me sound so old and
boring. and i was definitely feeling my age with these young guys
there.

i do think it's the moments for me tho.
i wanted to say to josh 'it's moments like you and i had on friday,
sitting on those rocks, just talking to each other.' but i didn't want
to embarrass him in front of his friend. so i mumbled vaguely about
moments instead.

it's moments like sitting there with my sister in law, getting the lunch
out of the fridge in the chemo room and bringing her a drink. those
moments are so simple, and yet so darn complicated.

they seem so easy, so small, so no big deal to have.
and yet, i'm pretty sure i'm not gonna have another moment like i felt
that day with my sister in law. life's so darn complicated, and i'm pretty
sure that was one of the moments i'll hold forever.

having moments with my sons.....the work involved in making it so we
can communicate with each other and like to be with each other......
it's been complicated.

those things seem so simple they really don't seem like they're 'list worthy.'
and yet, that's what my list would be made of.
moments of love.

i'll buy that we're all basically love and all we have to do is let that out
and stop trying so hard and let it be and that it's a lot easier than we know.
that it's truly 'simplicity.'
i'll buy that.

i'll also buy because of our humanness we make it hard, and it's so much
more complicated and intricate than we realize. and there's nothing simple
about it.

i'll buy both of those. cause they're the yin yang of living.
and because of those opposites swirling around - sometimes we realize
the preciousness of the moments, and sometimes we don't.

but i figured out something from last nite -
i don't feel dumb about my non-bucket list anymore.
cause i couldn't have listed sitting on the rocks with josh on a gray november
morning talking about nothing and everything.
and i couldn't have listed pulling lunch out of a fridge for my sister in law in
a chemo room.
i couldn't have listed bob making a sarcastic comment on the phone, not knowing
that it totally filled me with love for him and his crazy mind.

or last nite driving home from dinner, when i grabbed the chocolate orange i had
given to josh and went to open it. (you know those things? they're shaped like
real oranges and you smack them down in their center and they open into slices -
well, i musta had a stale one cause it wasn't opening!)
he's driving in the dark in his new car and i'm smacking a chocolate orange anywhere
i can find a place to smack it down without setting off an airbag.

after a few smacks of chocolate against his window,  and him screaming
'nooooo not my window' and me belly laughing, he pulled over to find a safe
place to smack the chocolate.

you can't write those things out.
you just can't.
you gotta know them when you see them.

and i think that's what i want to do more than anything.
know them when i see them.

maybe that's my bucket list.
know the moments when i see them and hold them while i have them.

cause i think then, i can leave okay.
cause i'll know i lived okay.

a windy rock with a ton of love

so josh and i had intended to work by the river.
watch the waterfall, and do some writing.

we sat on rocks, ate snacks and chatted and talked.
it was chilly and gray and the colors of the leaves were
extra bright. the wind whipped the rocks we were sitting
on and i never even picked up my pen.

i recognize a moment when i've got one.
and i had one.

my phone went off in my pocket.
it was noah.
he's been off on his own adventure and he was checkin' in.

it was perfect timing.
it wasn't an interruption....it was an expansion of what
was already goin' on.
it was like he was part of us there on the rock.

when i hung up we talked about noah and zakk and our
stuff and i could just feel the family bond so strongly.
i watched the water swirl below us and i knew that all
i should be doing right then was holding the love i could
feel so deeply.

it turned out to be a day that i really needed.

there's so much love all around.
and sometimes i just want to stop and hold it.
and when i do that, i swear i feel like i'm touching what's holy.

and sometimes i just need to feel that.

sooooo good

there is nothing like reading a brilliant passage in a book
and having it be just what you need.

i was looking something up for someone else and found this
and wanted to type it out just to have my fingers in it.

'the process of expansion of knowledge has been a major theme of
this book. it will be recalled that in the previous section love was
defined as an extension - that is, an expansion - of ourselves, and it was
noted that among the risk of love was the risk of moving into the
unknown of new experience. and at the end of the first section
on discipline it was also noted that the learning of something new
requires a giving up of the old self and a death of outworn knowledge.
to develop a broader vision we must be willing to forsake, to kill,
our narrower vision. in the short run it is more comfortable not
to do this - to stay where we are, to keep using the same microcosmic
map, to avoid suffering the death of cherished notions. the road of
spiritual growth, however, lies in the opposite direction. we begin by
distrusting what we already believe, by actively seeking the threatening
and unfamiliar, by deliberately challenging the validity of what we have
previously been taught and hold dear. the path to holiness lies
through questioning everything.'

m. scott peck - the road less traveled

stevie, crying skies, waterfalls, and touching the source...

i woke up to stevie ray vaughan singing 'the sky is crying.'

i thought it was perfect.
i didn't know how perfect at the time tho.

i woke up thinking about him and how he was the one who
taught me to reach for more...to try to 'touch the source.'

i lay there thinking about how i'd try to do that today.

i came down to a hard email from a friend with health issues.

i immediately thought of the line 'the sky is crying.'

what a line.

i'm taking another quick break to those amazing falls nearby.
gonna sit by them and write a bit this morning.
gonna look at the power of the water, the power that's
so beyond me. and i'm gonna focus on that.

the sky inside me is cryin' a bit this morning.
and somewhere in there,
and i'm not sure how,
i'm gonna try to 'touch the source' today.

the best lunch ever!

usually i cook to feed the beasts.....
and i don't always do that!
but today, there isn't any other beast here for lunch except me.
and i was getting really hungry.
but i've been way busy.
as i ran thru the house i thought 'i'll just pop some rice on and have that.'

and later, running thru, still busy, i thought i'd just grab the rice and eat it.

but wait.....there's a pepper in the fridge right there.
and there's an onion....

and before you know it, i was cooking away making one of the best
lunches i've ever made!

i didn't have anyone else to think about so i could pop in whatever the heck
i felt like.

oooh cinnamon's good. let me throw that in.
and here, i love ginger, and i grabbed that.
oh! how about this apple?!

before you know it i had gone wild and most importantly i had
lost myself in the joy of making something just for me that i'd love.

i was joyful.
i didn't have to hold back and think 'no, this one doesn't like this,
or that one won't like that....'
i just threw stuff together with abandon and joy.

and it turned out great!
perfect.

and i saw how much fun it was to do something for me.

i usually don't take the time.
well, i tell ya, i just learned something today.
i may be the person who appreciates it most of all~!
i really should do it more often!

traveling

i was thinking about all the different phases of life i'm seein' around me right now.

a friend falling in love, a friend battling to keep her marriage, a friend
moving on from his marriage, a friend becoming a gramma, a friend realizing
she's co-dependent and working on it...all kindsa things. as i was thinking of
this, i opened my inbox to find a note from a friend just diagnosed with cancer.

that sorta tipped everything into my lap and i sat there holding all the stuff
around me.

all of it is growing stuff. all of it.
as i watch and listen and witness parts of these journeys i can see it so clearly.

when i look at my own stuff, i know it's true, but really get kinda worn down
on some days. i hold my stuff, i try to look and see and work with it. but that
doesn't mean it gets easier does it?

i think maybe it helps build trust.
maybe.
i'm not even sure of that.
cause sometimes i've got the trust and sometimes it's like i never even heard
of the concept before.

but i think it does build something else.
not even sure what i'd call it.
maybe 'an understanding.'

i really really really used to think life was about getting to where you wanted
to be and being happy. the 'white picket fence' theory.
i really believed this.

and now, as i sit here, i'm reminded again that it's not about that at all.
there is no 'place' to be.

i'm not sure what it's all about, but i'm pretty sure how we travel is really
about all we can work on.

how we travel.

the other day i grabbed a post it note and wrote 'being love' and popped it
on my desk. i knew i wasn't traveling like i wanted to be traveling. and i wrote
that note and put it in front of my face to remind me. i knew i kept losing
that focus.

being love.

thru all of life's experiences.

i am so far from that....but i tell ya, i want to keep trying. i so so so want
to keep trying.

just think about it....

okay.
bear with me.
one more clarissa tid bit.
i thought this one was worth just kinda stopping and holding today
and thinking on -

' no woman can afford to let her creative life hang by a thread while she
serves an antagonistic love relationship, parent, teacher, or friend.'

just think about it...

reminding me

i swear no one can touch my soul like clarissa pinkola estes does.
i read her and my insides either melt, or i can feel this big collective
affirmative nod, or absolutely the bones sighing.

i read her last nite and devoured her as if i were starving.

she's talking of the way women lose their souls.

"our connection to meaning, passion, soulfulness, and the deep
nature is something we have to keep watch over. there are many
things that try to force, sweep, seduce away those handmade
shoes, seeming simple things like saying, 'later, i'll do that dance,
planting, hugging, finding, planning, learning, peace-making, cleansing...
later.' Traps, all."

she talks of the people we can be with who keep us in the traps,
of the 'separation of a woman's life and mind from flattened-out
collective thinking and the development of her unique talents
are among the most important accomplishments a woman can fashion...'

i just about cried when i read that.

she reminds me of my value.
she reminds me that the processes inside myself are incredible.
and she reminds me to trust them.

she reminds me of how i want to live.

i'm late for my walk.
heading out now.
my plan is to walk myself right back into where i want to be inside.
cause i know that part is calling me.

and i'm following that call this morning.......