gutter cleaning.....life cleaning?

okay i really really don't know what it is about me and the gutters....
but i so completely love cleaning them out.

and yep! i got to get up on that roof again and clean out the really
gunky mess last nite!

i had to sneak out and get up there as the guys would stop me.
they don't want me on the roof. man, sometimes it's like living with two fathers!
so i sneaked out and sat up there and looked over the yard.

ohhhh i just love this place.
and then i got to work.
and my gosh, they were really gunky.
they aren't usually gunky.
but ewwwwwwwww they so were.
i grabbed the sludgy leaf gunk and all the little helicopter things
and whatever all was in there and tossed that gunk to the ground, baby!

at one point i looked at my hands in the gutter.
covered in dirt with a smattering of paint from an earlier project,
i grinned. okay, so i'm not your manicured kinda gal.

after the gutters, i decided it was a good time for any other sludgy
yard work since i was already a mess......and i went to gather
the slimy icky leaves from the pond that were in a pile from the
other nite.

ohhhhhhhhh man! talk about slimy!!!!
i cringed a bit, and then thought......heck this is better than some
chemicals that you come in contact with. it's natural.
splat, some landed in my face.
okay. okay.
it's okay.
this is what separates the men from the boys, ter.
um.
wait a minute.
i'm neither.

i grinned and kept goin'.
it all felt good in a really weird way.

josh pulled up while i was sitting on the driveway,
just hackin' thru a bunch of ivy.

not missing a beat, he lands next to me and says 'can you
imagine fighting in the the jungles of viet nam??'

i look at him.
then back at the ivy that's all around me.....
and suddenly it looks a lot better.

i was already feelin' pretty darn grateful.
that was the icing on the cake.

i went to bed tired last nite....and happy.
and i got to thinking about how cool it would be if i could
treat my personal life like the gutters.

wouldn't it be cool to know that my life gets gunked up and
just periodically needs cleaning? that taking time out,
climbing on the roof and cleaning out what needed cleaning
out was a thrill???

is there any way i can make gutter cleaning a life cleaning
thing for myself??? hmmmmm........

i feel asleep thinking about it.......

worlds intertwining

i guess it's just that it's all kinda rumblin' around at once that makes
it pretty noticeable.

there's the lives starting to shift.
there's the birthday around the corner.
there's the massive clean out lately where the old life seems to
have been swept away.

there was the conversation in the back yard last nite with noah
about having lived here for almost 20 years.

there's the meet up today with someone i haven't seen in over
25 years.

and there i sat this morning, on my little porch stoop, havin'
a drink of water with myself. thinking about time and life.

i poured my drink into my special white tree cup i bought
for when i wanted to just sit with myself.

there i sat sipping and looking at the iris in the garden.

when we moved into this house, we had a housewarming and asked all
our friends to bring plants. we planted a friendship garden with those
plants and then scattered extras all around.

these iris are from people who were like my grandparents when i was
growing up. they had the prettiest yard ever. and i'd go and sit
in their yard and just chat about life with them all thru my childhood.

they're gone now.
but their iris are right here blooming away.

memories of visiting them....
brought more memories of childhood...
and growing up...

lifetimes ago.
and yet they all mix and intertwine somehow.

today i meet up with someone i met in the 6th grade and knew thru
high school.

she and josh are workin' on a project together.
i'm just tagging along to say hello.

i'll sit and watch as my son and her work out details and figure
things out together.

talk about two lifetimes intertwining......

and i'll just watch.

and marvel about the twists and turns of it all.

one awesome hunk of stuff..........

i keep thinking about kindness.

how much it matters.
how it changes things.
how it has a quiet power that gets so overlooked,
but truly can shake the earth.

how i need to pay much more attention to it.
cause seriously, god's in there.
i know that.
have touched it before.
and i don't pay enough attention.

sometimes i just take certain concepts and isolate them.
like kindness.

i just think about kindness. nothing else in particular.

well, with that on my mind today, i sat on my studio floor
packin' up an order. i was putting labels on prints and i had
a whole buncha prints spread in front of me.

there was this aura of gentleness kinda glidin' around.

'look at that,' i thought.

i picked a print up.
and then another.

'these are really gentle,' i thought.

hmmmmmm.....i guess i really am gentle.

i don't usually see myself that way as i hang out with the guys,
horse play, hit them in the head....that kinda thing....

but yeah, it was kinda hard to miss looking at that sea of prints on the floor.

i see it sometimes thru my art. sometimes it'll show itself to me.
but then i forget. and i'm always amazed when i see it again.

and that's when i got to thinking about the two concepts....

gentleness and kindness.

my gosh, those two things go hand in hand, don't they?

i saw this great quote on my friends facebook page......

‎"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." ~ Samuel Johnson

what a thought, huh???

i really like that.

i want to take gentleness and kindness and mix them up and play with them.
i want to offer that mixed up ball of those things more and more and more.

i spose that means i want to open my heart more and more and more.
cause it all goes together, doesn't it?

i went inside today. needed some space.
and how cool.
cause i stumbled into all this....

kindness mixed with gentleness mixed with god.

that seems like one awesome hunk of stuff.....

offering love

i just want to live my life, ya know?

i was out on my walk, just wanting to do my thing.
just be left alone. i was already in that mood.
making plans to cook today.
just cause i can get lost and alone and i get the
bonus of eating!

and apparently the getting lost and alone is what i'm
craving today...

i got lost in the wind.
it's so windy and so gorgeous.
i came back and sat in the chair in the yard and just
watched it play with the trees.

i watched the little weeping willow.
it's so like hair blowin' in the wind.....

and the trees above my neighbor's house.
first this clump would move. then this other clump...

just me and the trees.
i felt great.

okay, i'm good.
i can start my day.

came down to a note that just wow.......out of the blue.....
just wow.....slammed me.

it just slammed me.

huh???

wow.

i just sat there and went 'wow.'

i'm getting better at noticing when i've been hit and
what's goin' on inside of me.

this was easier, cause it's not someone i'm close to.
so it was easier to observe.

'okay, ter......what's your reaction to this and what
do you want to do with it?'

this has nothing to do with me, i decided.
this so isn't mine.
and i'm not holding it.

so, okay, this is theirs.
i handed it back their way and then i could let it go.

but something hung on.

i have a lotta love in my life.
i do.
and i know it.
and i value it and treasure it and work at it.
it's not only an okay thing i've got it,
it's a great great thing and for me, it's what life is about.

and i've noticed that it can actually bother people.

and that just stuns me.

and i think that hits really hard.

why don't we just wish each other well and rejoice in what people
have??? heck, there's a lot i don't have. why not be tickled for
the things i do have???

just as i will be for you??

that's the part that kinda gets to me.

and i guess, looking at the process here, it's where i need to
just send love. maybe i can't in person too easily. but maybe
from a distance, when i'm cooking......i can just send love
to that pain in the world that holds us back from rejoicing in
each others lives.

what an awful pain that has to be...
and how in need of love it must be.....

hmmmm....yeah.
seeing that helps a lot.

letting go over here and offering love....

woe........

wow.......talk about timing.........

just found this quote behind a buncha stuff in my studio......

'the individual has always had to struggle to keep from being
overwhelmed by the tribe. if you try it, you will be lonely often.
and sometimes frightened.
but no price is too high to pay
for the privilege of owning yourself.'

-friedrich nietzche

morning pondering

i wrote a note yesterday that's been on my mind a lot since.

well, a PIECE of the note has been on my mind.

someone wrote who misunderstood why i wasn't doing something for her.
i was glad she wrote so i could give her an explanation as there
was no need for any hurt or bad feelings.

here's a piece of my repsonse:

something i've been dealing with the last few days is people loving me
for what i am, not for what i do. i've been struggling with believing i'm
worth loving soley for who i am.

this has been helpful for me here, because i can see clearly that who i am in this
situation is truly someone who is worthy of love. because the only
driving force inside of me is kindness.

any misunderstanding of that is truly just a misunderstanding.
...........

that part matters to me.
and i keep thinking about it.
and my life.

you'd think by now it'd be easier not to do stuff people ask me to do.
and i guess it is.
but depending on the situation and the person.
it can get pretty tricky for me sometimes.
and i get lost in the doubting of my self worth.
or......maybe not even that.
maybe in the doubting that anyone else can see my self worth if
i don't do what they want.

that's more like it, i think.

yeah.
that's it.

that people won't value me.
not so much that i won't.

so the deal there is do i value me enough to weather that?
do i value me enough to allow that or allow space for that?
and do i trust enough to know that there are people who
value me for me?

do i trust that enough?

there ARE people who DON'T value me for me.
there ARE.

yeah.
okay.

and there ARE people who DO.
there ARE.

yeah.
okay.

what if there weren't?

does it change my actions?
does it change my own valuing of myself?

nah.
so then....does it all just become a big 'so what?'

there's always gonna be both kindsa people.
fill your life with those who value you for you.
know the others will always be on the edges of your life.
and fill your acts with kindness and honesty and keep
on goin'.

hmmmmm....okay.


and ter....don't forget......keep on growin' the trust.

trust in your heart.
trust in the process of life.
trust in the space to allow life to unfold.

weaving the building blocks...

this seems too basic to be a new thought...
but it sure feels like one.

i had two separate kinda images workin' together this morning.
building blocks and weaving.

how to start???

yesterday was a tough day.
several things that needed tweaking inside me and in my life were being tweaked.
and i find tweaking hard.
at the same time i knew today would be easier because of the tweaking that i was doing.

and sure enough, this morning, right away, i got a note that
seemed to be taking yesterday's stuff and putting it to work for me today.
and it felt good right away.

i got on the treadmill thinking about it.
how all this work that i do is like stacking building blocks and it's
building something wonderful.

and how the different tweaking things from yesterday wove together.
there was weaving in the building.
weaving building blocks.

i thought of when the guys were small. and all the work i put into
raising them.

it's funny, no matter what kinda parent you are, you get criticized, i think.
i look back and see i was a good mom, and still i got an ear full from lots of different people. maybe it's because of that kinda input you get all thru life, that what you're doing gets
even muddier in your mind. the self doubt can cloud things.

i knew 'intellectually' that i was building a future for both my sons
and me by parenting the best i could. but i didn't really 'get' that.
it was just something in the back of my head.

now, enjoying what i do with my sons, i totally get it.
i'm living it.
all that work was definitely building blocks.

all the work bob and i put into our relationship.....yep, absolutely
building blocks. and we can see the payoffs as we go along. we've
both commented on it.

and all the places i don't put the work in......
or the places i put the work in the wrong area......
i look back at my marriage....we built the good stuff and we built the downfall.

you can build the not so good too.

so there i am on the treadmill thinking of how every day is a building block.
and i liked the image.
i liked it because it took things day by day.
this day might be hard, but that's okay, cause it may very well make tomorrow
so much easier.

it just kinda gave me something to visualize when things were overwhelming.
it broke things up to manageable pieces. and it also gives me a hunk of something
to focus on. it doesn't have to be my whole darn life. it can be this one
building block here.

and then of course......you can go all over the place with the visual.

what colors are you going to paint the blocks?
and what do you do to add the color???
and what kinda shape are you gonna put it all in???

and what winds will come and blow them around and move them and then
where do you go from there???

i'm likin' it....

and easter ends...

a day of hangin' and relaxin'.......
we finished up with a walk to the river...
and so easter came to an end.

or does it?
guess that's the whole point, isn't it?
it keeps goin'...deeper and deeper and deeper.

it's about time...

i cannot believe it's taken me this long in my life to pick up jung's autobiography,
'memories, dreams and reflections.'

noah's been reading it and telling me stories from it, and so i finally picked it up.

i've only read the prologue and already i'm tickled.

he's talkin' about the inner stuff being the stuff that's worth talkin' about.
not the outer events. and so that's what he'll be writing about...
his inner workings! (well, duh! it IS jung, after all!!)

so, seriously, i've read three pages. that's it.
and some of the sentences were so delicious i read them out loud to hear them.

here's the very first sentence -

'My life is a story of the self-realization of the unconscious."

ohhhhhhhhh..........this is gonna be my kinda book.

he says that what we are can only be expressed by way of 'myth.'

that has me intrigued.......

"whether or not the stories are 'true' is not the problem.
the only question is whether what i tell is my fable, my truth."


that right there got me thinking.

i remember when i REALLY understood that no two people see anything the
same way. it was one of those pivotal moments in my life.
my sister-in-law and i both had witnessed the same event.
and i heard her relay it back to our family a few hours later.
and it was COMPLETELY different than what i saw.
that moment, right there, in my mother's kitchen, hit a switch of
understanding for me. people don't see anything the same.
we all see things differently. we all have a different view,
a different angle.
that was years ago, but i've never forgotten that.

so when i recount what happened to me in some situation, how will
it be 'true'???

and then i read that from jung, and i think - it's true for me.
and that's valid right there.

i thought that was cool. and worth passing along..........

oh yes.
i would have loved to have sat and talked and talked and talked
with mister jung.....maybe this book will be like that for me.

easter begins...

a few hours away on some gig travelin', with some car problems happenin',
josh called over and asked to speak to bob.

bob leaned against the kitchen sink listening and talking it over.
he didn't sound worried,
i relaxed and just watched.

offering a real easy, calm, 'we got you covered and will come get you
if something happens' and then some good laughter and joking about their
cars (bob just got one we make fun of), i sat there and soaked it in.

i looked at his face and heard his voice as he was offering.
josh was two hours down the road. we wouldn't know if he needed help
til around 11:00, and there was no hesitation, no thought of inconvenience.
just the assurance we'd be there no matter what.

easy, natural, and there.

it's moments like that i think we have the most amazing team ever.

going back to work on some house plans we were trying to figure out,
i made things crazier than ever by saying 'what if you moved this here?
and switched this? and what if these rooms did the opposite here???'

his face had that scrunched up overwhelmed slow down you're makin' me crazy look.

i looked at the clock.

'noah's due home in a few minutes, let's see if he can move it around for us in photo shop.'

'too hard, he won't be able to' bob said.

'well, let's just ask.'

in just a bit, noah was sitting beside bob on the couch moving things with ease
on his laptop.

easy, natural and there.

again, i noticed it.

i noticed the easy, natural and there.
it's something that i don't think i ever experienced anywhere else.
and it just seeps thru everywhere in this group.

i sat across from them and watched.
and again, i thought of what a team it is.

zakk sat with me. we goofed on our own laptap, watched a few goofy things,
and sat and talked. i love havin' moments with that guy.

it was a great nite to get me in the holiday mood.
(and no, we never did have to go get josh!)

it's easter today. a holiday.
holidays for me now have turned into really relaxing days.
days i get to just goof with my family and hang out.

we all cook dinner together and there's no work involved.
it ends up being a day of gratitude for my family.

when i woke up this morning, i thought of the 'easy, natural and there'
i had witnessed yesterday. how we just are there for each other.
as i was layin' there thinking, noah walked in to say good morning.
we jabbered a bit. there's nothing like just hangin' out jabbering. not
even gettin' up yet.
talked about the goofing today.....

he went off to shower......
and i got up feelin' like the luckiest person alive.

and so begins easter........

easter weekend

easter's always been one of my favorite holidays.
even when i wasn't christian anymore.
i just have always loved it.

and this year, it's completely gotten by me!!!
i did listen to my 'jesus christ super star' music i listen to every year.
and i did get some food and stuff like that....

but the whole part of what i love about it has just escaped me this year.
well.....until now.
i've caught it just in time!

i've been diggin' so deep tryin' to center myself in a swirling world
that i forgot some of the most important stuff! and the stuff this holiday
reminds me of.

i swear, sometimes my thickness amazes me.

zakk looked at me yesterday and asked why we even celebrate it.
kinda with that look........you know.......mom, we aren't christian,
so what the heck are you doin' here???

i launched into why i love it and why i think it's important.

i talked of miracles and unknown possibilities -
of rising from the dead -
of life after death -
of belief and trust so strong you'd walk into total darkness for it.

those are some pretty powerful things there.
and that's only the ones off the top of my head!

to take some time and celebrate those things.....
to take time and THINK ABOUT those things......
well, YEAH, i really want to.

and sitting and thinking about it all this morning, i think of how
incredible it is to take those messages that i get from easter
and put them into my life.

my regular ol' life.

(and little does zakk know that i'm gonna hit those things in
conversations thru out the day with him!!!)

yesterday i was looking at the trees out the window.
i just really stopped and looked at them.
and i think, for the first time in my life, i really 'got' how
amazing the cycles of the seasons were.
i just kinda had to stop.
it took my breath away.
it really did.
for the first time ever.

the leaves coming out after winter.

and i just smile and say how pretty it all is every year.
i enjoy the beauty, yeah.

but give me a break.
it's beyond pretty.
it's beyond beautiful...........
it's awesome!
it's amazing!

and it's a perfect time for easter.

do i have a belief so strong i'd walk into total darkness for it?
do i really believe in miracles? do i see them when they happen?
how about the life that comes after all the 'mini' deaths we go
thru all thru our lives...and then the end......what do i think of
that?

it hit.
easter hit me.
just in time.

and i've got some wonderful pondering to do......

a gorgeous spring morning...

a gorgeous spring morning.
my kinda spring morning.
chilly, some gray mixed in with the blue,
a breeze - just gorgeous.

walking, i had a head full of thoughts.

'nah, don't do that,' i thought, 'just enjoy the beauty.'

and i looked up at the sky.

i can get lost in the sky.
go away in the sky.
just be gone.

but i didn't do that this morning.
i just looked at the clouds and loved them.

and i thought of something i had recently said to a friend.

she suggested we go flyin' in the sky in a little airplane.

while budgeting had a whole lot to do with my answer,
so did what i was feeling inside.

'for some strange reason, i don't want to be up there right now,
i'm feelin' like i want to stay on the ground.'

i heard myself say it and was tickled it came out.
cause i hadn't realized it til then.

but it's oh so true.

i thought about why as i walked.

my ground is moving and sliding.
nothing feels solid to me right now.

and i keep tryin' to get my footing.
i keep tryin' to find something that's solid and in place.

funny.
i know there isn't anything like that.
and yet my feet keep searching.

i like that i know this.
i like that i'm aware of it.
that knowing and awareness kinda make a space for it,
and when i remember that this is going on inside of me,
i can remember to be gentle with myself.

so i walked, didn't leave the ground, and kept being gentle with myself.

a good start on this gorgeous spring morning.

mirrors

it's been a long time since we sat down to coffee here.
we usually meet up the road these days.
but this morning we hung out in my living room.

i don't think we got one minute into the conversation before her tears came.

she sheepishly reached for one of the napkins on the coffee table and commented
that she doesn't do this anywhere else. meaning her tears. so quickly into the tears.

'there's something about your house,' she said as she wiped her eyes.

i took that as a compliment and we kept goin'.

she went thru a few napkins and we laughed when i got up to get more.

her grace and beauty can knock me over.
her talents, gifts and strengths fill me with pride.

and yet, there she sat and somehow she didn't quite know what she had.
she didn't quite know what i saw.

she holds some of it.
she knows some of it.

but i know for darn sure she doesn't see what i see.
cause if she did, she'd never have a drop of self doubt ever.

it's so clear to me.
i don't have any doubt for her.

now.
turn that on myself.
and well.......yeah....okay.....there's plenty of self doubt.

i thought of our friendship over the years.
it's hard to believe it's been so many years.
and i thought of the times she was a mirror for me.
times i just needed that extra foot up and reminder,
and times where i truly don't know how i'd have made
it without her. for real.

mirrors.

i was her mirror this morning.
telling her all i saw.
sincerely truthfully telling her of what i saw in her.

mirrors.

we so need them.

we so forget our own beauty.

and i guess...we really need to learn how to be our own mirrors.
that matters.
and i guess it's something we should always be workin' on.

but when we forget, or when we can't....what a gift it is to have
one in a friend.

gratitude

so there we sat...birthday lunch...
he's 21 years old today.

he's like a son, yet so different than my own sons.
he's taught me a lot.
what a journey we've all traveled together.

and there we sat - him, me and two of my sons.

and the conversation floated onto two good topics i want
to explore more with the gang later...

'everything in moderation' - that thought that we've all heard a million times.

i used to think it a good one.....
but i'm not sure.
i think it should be examined a bit.

'how about gratitude?' i asked.
should that be in moderation???

which led to the gratitude talk.

i thought gratitude was a no brainer.
i thought we all meant the same thing when we talked about it
and everyone knew what magic it was.

maybe cause my guy and i see eye to eye on that one, and i figure if
he and i see eye to eye, then everyone must!

but i think it's much more of a slippery word than i had thought.

and much more complicated.

as i talked to his dad later, telling him about the conversation,
the whole gratitude theme went off in several different branches.
one that included aggression.
can you be really aggressive and grateful???

wow.
i had never put those two words together and thought about it.

is there a difference between gratitude and appreciation??

those kinda things.......

and i'm thinking it's a whole thing to explore.
and an important one to explore.

i think gratitude makes a person shine.
it makes life shine.

i thought it was that easy.
hmmmmm....gonna be thinking on this one a bit......

something goin' on.......

sort of like the way i started painting my kitchen...
and then my living room....
it just happened one day...
that's what happened recently with my eating.

okay. this is very recent. so who knows, today may be the last day of it.
but i doubt it.

cause something magical is happening.

i started paying a whole lotta attention to what i'm eating.
how i'm preparing it, how i'm eating it and when and WHY.

usually i consider myself pretty healthy, whip around and grab
some stuff, make dinners here and there as fast as i can, eat
a whole lotta veggie burgers and keep on goin'. i switched to
hot air pop corn instead of microwave popcorn thinking i was
being a darn health nut.

well i stopped.
and asked myself 'are you really hungry?'

oh my gosh, i eat a lot when i'm NOT.
i eat when i'm walkin' thru the kitchen simply because i'm
walkin' thru the kitchen.

i eat in between projects cause it's a break.

i eat because i'm sad, stressed, happy, overwhelmed, mellow,
crazy....i eat just because it's there.

i eat too fast, i don't pay attention, i talk while i eat.
on and on....

and the last few days i've noticed and stopped.

now, i've read about this stuff before and
become inspired before and tried before. and then stopped.

so this may be another one of those blips in my history.
thing is, i didn't read about it this time...it just happened.

and the thing is...this time it feels different.
this is the first time i remember being aware of my body all day.
really being aware.

and here's something new.....
i NEVER wanted to be aware of my body.
i've got the body image stuff major big time.
even tho i'm not what people call overweight, i have a whole lotta issues.

i've wanted to be healthy.
THAT i've wanted.
a lot.
so i've tried to shoot for that kinda stuff all the while knowing my
eating habits sucked. but i figured if i ate better stuff and stayed
away from the junk, it'd be mostly okay.

what would be mostly okay???
my body that i want to forget about would keep goin' fairly good???

what kinda thought process is that???

so suddenly i'm paying attention to my body all day.
that's a first for me ever.
suddenly i'm talkin' with it and actually conversing.

this is also a first.

i do things like rub lotion on my feet and feet gratitude for my
feet and all they do.
i do that kinda thing.

but you know what? it's more of a one-way kinda thing.

cause i haven't really wanted a two-way kinda thing before.
a two-way kinda thing means i look at it. see it. feel it.
talk with it. LISTEN TO IT.

oh my gosh.

that's what i've been doin' the last few days.
and it's so darn cool.

it's not a chore at all.
it's just so darn cool.

is it possible that as i head into my 50th year i actually
want to talk with my body and respect it????

there's something new goin' on here for me.......
and it feels magical...

no thanks....

my whole past life was filled with passive aggressive stuff.
i was steeped in it.

so when i met my guy who honestly had no clue what passive
aggressive was, my head would spin.

he'd say something and i'd wonder what he meant.
and he'd look at me confused sayin' he meant what he said.

ahhhh i hadn't thought of that!

how delightful!

you mean when you're upset you'll just flat out tell me?
and when you want something you'll just flat out ask???
wow.
what a concept.

well, we've been together long enough now and i've distanced
myself from all that passive aggressive stuff long enough now
that i just can't deal with that stuff anymore.

i used to be a pro at it.
i used to swim in it.

now i can't even get my toes in it.
and don't want to go anywhere near the water.

yesterday happened to be a day when the water wanted to be near
me. it came up close to me several times.
and each time i backed right away and felt cranky about it.

and the crankiness kinda fueled me for today.

i thought of all the energy that's wasted on that stuff.
if you want something, ask.
if you want to say something, say it.
don't go diggin' at me with these jabs.

and i took it further with myself this morning.
i started to feel mopey about some stuff.

you want to live, ter?
then live!

you resent this stuff?
then put it down and go elsewhere!

you want to go enjoy your day?
then go enjoy it!

and it led me right into the 'it's up to me' stuff.
don't go wasting your time on stuff that gets you nowhere and feeds
the negative.

grab the energy that empowers you and feed that and feed off of that.

you want something...make it happen, ter.

i looked at the passive aggressive stuff i had bumped into.
i looked at the people who use it as a way of life.....

wow.

no thanks.

now how about the mopey stuff???

same deal.

no thanks.

there's only so much time.
gonna go grab it today........

enabling......

lately, i've been keenly aware of some abuse goin' on in the life of someone i care about.

too aware, maybe.
i've been physically reacting and that's not so good.
i'm workin' on the detachin' stuff.
remembering that it's not my journey and that i can't fix everything.
i'm workin' on it. i'm workin' on it.

and i've been doin' a whole lotta thinking about abuse.

i think in my earlier days i had some image in my head of someone who would
accept abuse. i don't know...a 'weak' woman or something like that.
always a woman in my head.
funny.
never saw it as a man's issue.
and i always saw it physical. it took awhile before i really 'got'
the emotional stuff.
you know, life's a whole lot more black and white when you're young.

and then, somewhere along the line, i lived thru my own kinda abuse.
and took it.
looking back, i can't really figure out why.
i think some part of me figured i deserved it.
i think.
i'm not sure.
but i think so.

i tell myself it's not possible for me to accept that garbage ever again.

that i've grown stronger.

but i don't know......
cause i watch around me.

i know of two very strong people right now who are allowing abuse in their
lives.

and i so wonder why.

if they were 'weak,' it'd make sense to me.

but i don't see them that way at all.
so it confuses me.
and makes me want to stay very aware.

i've seen enough now thru the years to see that there's so many different
angles to it all.

that it certainly is not just a woman's issue.
that it happens in so many forms in so many ways.
that there's some raw, vulnerable place that the abuser seems to just
instinctively latch on to.
and that the very raw vulnerable spot that can attract abuse is the same one
that can bring great healing.

and this one........this angle is hitting me a lot right now.......

the allowing of the abuse is just as destructive to the one doing the abusing.

i don't know how to put that out there.
cause i totally get how awful it is to be abused.
and how the abuse is in NO WAY - NO WAY AT ALL - the fault of the abused one.
i get that. and hold that so carefully.

and i think back to my own stuff.
i just did not have at the time the strength to stand up and stop it.

i did eventually.
and things come when we're ready.

but to have someone come along and say 'you're doin' as much damage by
allowing it as he's doin' by dishin' it out'....well, that prolly woulda
broke me.

don't put any more on me, ya know?

i so get that.

and if i had seen, if i had really known that it was so completely wrong
and unhealthy, it never woulda happened in the first place.

so you can't just walk in and say that kinda stuff. because it's all part
of it all. you can't take it apart like that at the time.

but i can see it from over here.
from my safe corner when it's not happening to me.
i can see it.

and what i want to do is remember it.
because it's way important.

our interactions totally affect each other.

that ol 'enabling' label makes me shudder more and more the older i get.

i never want to be an enabler again.

for my sake.
and everyone else's.

i can just picture the ol 'life review'....when you stand their accountable for
your life.....

'and terri, how many people did you enable along the way???'

oh man.
i hope they don't ask that!

living our light means so many different things, doesn't it?

swhooooooosssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh

it wasn't loud.
you woulda thought it would be really loud.

it was just odd.
a SWOOOOSSSSHHHHHHH.

'did you hear that??' i asked.

'it was just water.' he answered.

'water???' i shook my head and got up.

looked out by my car. nothing.
looked in the front yard. nothing.

looked out my kitchen door.

woe.

woe.

woe.

there was a huge tree resting sideways in front of my shed,
across a good part of the yard.

woe.

i ran and got my wellies.

it was raining and really wet.

grabbed my jacket, slipped it on and ran out.

i just stood there staring at it.

it was so odd looking.
and for some reason it just gave me the feeling
of a gigantic snake. it was wet and shimmery.
just bizarre looking.

couldn't tell if it got the shed or not.
it certainly smashed the picnic table.

noah and i had JUST moved the picnic table over there.
completely smashed now.
that's okay.
we were gonna smash it ourselves.
get rid of it.

the smashing was now complete.
i grinned and thought of how fun it would be to tell the guys.
we'd been goin' back and forth over getting rid of that thing.
now it was decided.

what about the shed???
i was gonna crawl under and look.
mmmmmmm......i looked at the big trunk resting
on another tree that it had completely broken and on
my neighbor's fence.

mmmmmm......maybe not.
that prolly would be pretty bad if it fell again.

as i stood there considering all this, my neighbor
came over to check it all out. it was his tree.
his wife hollered from their porch over the fence,
and bob wandered out.

after climbing around, i could see everything was really
okay, checking their yard, they had a similar looking
thing goin' on.

it was a two trunk tree, must be over 100 years old and
it just split in two. one went my way, one theirs.

and nothing got hurt.

well.....a few other trees got taken out.
like match sticks.

but no buildings, no cars, and of course, no people.

the feeling was of complete gratitude.

bob was sayin' to the neighbor that it was incredible
nothing got hit and we were all so lucky.

i thought of a study that the boys were tellin' me about
awhile ago. about people who lived with gratitude.
this was the exact kinda situation they'd give as an example.
a huge tree falls and smashes into your yard. you lose that
gorgeous tree, about three or four other trees, a few minor
holes in your shed, major clean up ahead and you say
'wow we are so lucky!'

that's a person who lives with gratitude.

i smiled when i heard him say it.
cause i had been standing there thinking the exact same thing.

i told my neighbor no worries, i could live with a tree there
for as long as it took and i'm just so grateful we're all okay.

over in his yard, his wife brought out the camera for insurance pictures.
'honey, get over by the tree.' he told her.
i grinned.
'terri, you get in there with her too.'
i outright laughed.
went over put my arm around her and we smiled into the camera.
nothin' like a tourist spot, i thought.

that night, before the guys landed to visit, i gathered some
food, made it all pretty and set up the coffee table in the living
room like a 'real gathering.'

sitting on the couch watching, he commented on it.

'it's a 'thank good we're all alive' celebration.' i told him.

we schemed at how we'd tell the guys about the tree.
when they had left in the morning, we all were in the room saying we'd
gather that nite and each would have a story to tell. we were
to look for the story of the day and bring it home.

when we had come in from looking at the tree earlier i turned to bob and
said 'tree's my story, bud. i get that one.' and laughed.

we had it all planned out on how to tell them.
of course, it banked on noah backing in when they pulled in. so
they wouldn't see.
he usually backs in. we were bankin' on it.....

nope.
in they walked.
WOE! did you see what's in the back yard??!!

and the stories began immediately.

they sat around the food and drinks and noticed the extra fuss.

i told them it was a 'thank god we're all alive' party.

so we sat and shared stories and snacked and sipped and there
wasn't one moment that went by that i forgot how incredibly
lucky we all were....

my women friends rock!

she called to tell me about the healing stuff goin' on in her life.
my eyes filled with tears listening to her.
she was crediting god/the universe/whatever and i was crediting her.

i agreed with the higher power stuff, 'but i'm thinking you did this one.'
i told her. and i wanted her to see that. cause i sure did.

all her hard work.
she's not done by any means.
but she just got some big time rewards and i know that will help
a ton in the journey.

i hung up the phone so proud of her. so impressed with her strength.

a few hours later i found myself sitting on some steps outside in
the wind taking pictures of one of my best friends.

she was performing an outside concert.
the wind was whipping around and it was chilly,
but it didn't stop her one little bit.

she belted out her music with such soul and grace.

my soul just gets giddy watching her.
i get so proud.
i can't believe she's my friend.
i can't believe i get to know her heart and then sit
there and hear her music.

she did an inner child song for me at the end.
'this is for my friend, terri....'
and my whole insides leaped.
little terri was inside me clapping and hopping up and down.

i NEVER sing along with anyone.
and there i sat, singing (quietly) right along
and feelin' my inner child just so happy and thrilled.

i was squeezed inbetween my guy and his son, snugglin'
close to both of them tryin' to keep warm.

i smiled.

she has to be good to keep their attention.
and she had both of them in the palm of her hand.

i was so so proud of her.

when i went to bed last nite, i thought of the women around me.
wow.
they not only make me proud of them, they make me proud to be
a woman.

they really really do.

toasting women everywhere today!
and rejoicing in my friends' accomplishments and strengths!

you can check out lynn here!

leaving home.......

i was browsing around my books looking for something that hit my soul this morning.
and i found it.
and i realized something....

changes have been on my mind a lot these days.
taking a walk this morning, i passed our trash can.
sticking out out of it was an old painted board.
it came off what used to be my headboard for my bed.
some goofy thing i made years and years ago.
a part of one of those other lifetimes.

i stopped.
looked at it.
remembered.
and went for my walk.

thought a lot of jumbled thoughts.

when i read the paragraph i'm about to put here, i realized
i'm leaving home again.

i never woulda put it that way.
yesterday i think i was sayin' it was new lives. if we were lucky
we'd have new lives over and over again.
and sure, another way of saying that could be that we leave home
over and over again. only, there's a lot to that.

check out this paragraph.....i thought it was awesome -

'leaving home does not mean simply changing one's address. it does not
mean breaking the deep connections we have with our families. that is not
true individuation, since it contradicts the nature of being human.
leaving home is a metaphor for our growth into adulthood by blowing
down the house of cards we have constructed from our complex story lines
of who we are and what the world owes us. to leave such a nest of
illusions is to find the courage to walk 'as refugees in no-man's land,'
as chogyam trungpa, the tibetan meditation master, put it. this is a land
where nothing serves to confirm our ego's solidity or entitlements. to
leave home is to leave an imagined safety from pain for an openness to
the givens of life, which we greet with an unconditional yes. that word
yes is our open sesame to waking up, our spiritual victory.'

(david richo - when the past is present)


i'd like to think we do this once, we're good.
apparently, i'm a hard head and will prolly need to do this over and
over again in my life.

i love the way he put it.
and i think another house of cards is goin' down for me......

this whole journey is the most amazing thing....

just mullin'.....

i was reading something yesterday about how to cope with people
who well.....were really not good for you.

the advice pretty much was'walk away.'

good advice.

i mean, really.

but there was a last point...
i forgot how it was worded but 'revenge' was in there -
kinda to be cute...
something like 'the best revenge (after leaving) is enjoying a good life.'

so, you know, don't just walk away and be miserable.
walk away and enjoy the life you walked into and built.

that sounds like such a simple, flip, cute, easy, no-brainer thought.

but i think it's a huge challenge.

at least it was for me.
it was so so so so darn mixed.

i picked the life i wanted.
and haven't for one moment missed the old one.
but the guilt, the shame, the confusion, the wanting people to understand
who just couldn't hear, the struggling to let go of things that were
already gone....THAT stuff overflowed into the new stuff and made it
all such a mix. it made it a huge challenge to get to where i'm really
loving my life. which i am now. (which is awfully darn cool)

i thought of all that.

which is kinda interesting, because the reading i was doing didn't
involve anyone in my 'old' life.
it involved someone in my 'new' life.

when i sat back and held all the thoughts, i saw how it's always gonna
be like this.

always.
whichever life you're in.
cause if you're lucky, life will keep growin' and changing and feeling
new.

it's not like you pick three or four people to be close to and you're done.

people come with people, you gain others, the mix goes on and on.
you change, things change. on and on and on.

and in thinking about that 'best revenge' line.....
in living a life you feel good about....

the key isn't ever in looking back, or trying to get your decisions
to move on okayed by everyone else. it's not wallowing in the shame of
growing and changing (which of course is nothing shameful, but we wallow
anyway)

the key is in moving forward, living fully who you are, and letting
everyone else do what they want with that.

just keep living fully who you are.
if you keep doin' that, you don't even need words of explanation.
cause you already know what's goin' on.
and you're the only one who really needs to know.
and the other ones...the ones who can see will already know too.
and the ones who can't......well, they can't.

and then it's over...

it's gray out, misty, and i've got lisa gerrard playing right now.
for me, she's a prayer.

i've mentioned pattie here before.
she's a friend of mine i've met thru an art community,
and have kept up with thru her blog.

her husband has been on a long long road and has finally reached the end.
i'm not sure if he's still with us or not at this point. it's really
really close.

she's been recording their journey thru chemo, home care and finally
hospice in her blog. it's been quite a journey just to read along and
to imagine what they've been goin' thru. both of their attitudes and
bravery have been stunning.

i listened to some list gerrard before i went out, and then took a walk
with pattie and her husband, michael, in my heart.

i thought of both of them. the care taker and the one dying.
and i tried so hard to hold them close and send them love.

as i walked up a misty street and looked at all the blossoms hanging
from the trees i wondered for the gazillionth time what the heck was
it all about.

i thought of my own life and if i died in an hour, what the heck would
have been the point of the whole thing...

i thought of the drama/stress goin' on in bob's life that is affecting
us both a lot right now. we've been tryin' hard not to let it get between us.
we've been doin' pretty good with that. darn good. but it floats all around
us.

and then i thought of pattie and michael.

all that matters is to love him, i thought.
all that's left is love.
all that matters is to love wherever you go.

that's all i can figure out that ever stays.

love.

all the other stuff floats away.

i thought of all pattie's stories thru her blogs.
her struggles, her having to learn how to do medical procedures
for michael. all that she had to do....
and what stands out as the thing i'll hold forever is the love
that she kept offering.

love.

it's the only thing i can figure that matters.

so this sidetracked garbage i've been doin' the last few days...
i'm puttin' it down.

i walked and thought of pattie and her husband.

what can i do to honor them?

i can love with all i've got.

i can do that today.
and i will.

how long have we got? and what are we doing with that time?
it's on my mind today. as are pattie and michael.
holding them in my heart so deeply today....

a great passage......

during the big clean out, i found my old copy of
'the screwtape letters' by c.s. lewis.

i remember them as being really clever and wanted to read
the book again.

i'm figurin' you guys know, but just in case you don't...
screwtape is the uncle of another devil. and he's writing
his nephew and instructing him on how to win the soul over
of us nephew's 'patient.'

each chapter is a letter.

i am stunned at how brilliant the book is.
i knew it was good and clever...but i am in awe of this
guy's talent!

i read this paragraph tonite and have to share it......
it's screwtape doin' his advising about his nephew's patient.

'the Enemy' referred to is god.
which you'd know if you were reading it...but just in case....

"We want him to be in the maximum uncertainty, so that his mind
will be filled with contradictory pictures of the future, every one
of which arouses hope or fear. There is nothing like suspense
and anxiety for barricading a human's mind against the Enemy.
He wants men to be concerned with what they do; our business is
to keep them thinking about what will happen to them.'

the entire book is filled with gems like that..........
i loved that one as that's pretty much where my head's been
the last couple of days.

i read that and saw myself and laughed.
great.
great.

definitely needed that pointed out........

me and me for tea

so i had my first tea with myself this morning.

used the special cup i got, sat on my back porch,
looked at the spring bloomin' all over my back yard
and sat with myself.

what a feeling it is to bring your stuff to your self
just as you'd bring it to a friend over tea.

what a feeling to sit there and try to articulate the
things you are feeling and then to try to offer yourself
the things you'd offer a friend.

compassion and understanding - offered to yourself.
listening and seeing and affirming - offered to yourself.

that's not a default setting i've got.
i think default for me is 'get thru, do what you gotta do.
hold everyone else up and keep on going.'

i think that's what i'm pretty much set at.

i have to actually intentionally go looking for the other.

odd too cause it's not like i don't need it a ton.

you'd think something you'd need a ton would just naturally
happen.

maybe it will if i do this enough times.
maybe it will.

for now, the fact that i remembered is pretty swell.
and the fact that sitting there doing it made my eyes tear up
seemed pretty important.

let's not forget ourselves in the hustle of it all, ya know?
we need us.
we really really do.

a small child inside

i bet with a title like the one above, you think that this is an inner child post!

ha!
nope!
for you see, i don't just talk inner child stuff!
tonite, i am sharing a laugh....

in part of the general clean out around here, we are ditching
a couple of small fridges. they are being picked up tomorrow.
so in the meantime, we put them on our back porch.

ah, ya see tho...i REALLY didn't want to put them outside.
i have no idea if this was something routinely drilled into people's
heads in the 60's and 70's or not...but i know that i have it
permanently printed on my brain that you never never never ever
leave a fridge outside unless the fridge door is taken off or there's
a massive (and i mean massive) chain around the whole thing keeping
the door closed.

under no no no circumstances.

did anyone else have this drilled into them???

the idea was that kids died by climbing inside the fridges to play
and not being able to get out

and unfortunately, i visualized that EVERY time this was drilled into my head.

so, of course, when the guys wanted to put them outside, i just couldn't
bear the thought.

'what if a small child climbs inside??'

now.
picture the fridges if you will.
two bar fridges. you know? the really small kinds?? those.

so okay...what if a REALLY small child climbs inside??
we just can't risk it, i said.

zakk looked at me with his head cocked to the side.
he couldn't tell if i was kidding or just being completely wacko.

in an attempt to keep me quiet and get his way, he promised
to set them in a way so that the doors wouldn't be able to close.
and then he reminded me that there were no small children around
anyway. so we were prolly pretty safe even without the door thing.

this evening i've been really aware of the guys.
feeling very appreciative of them.
the idea that i not only don't have problems with them, but that
we actually work together to make our lives work...
that kinda stuff.
just real aware of how lucky i am.

a real gentle mood.

so when zakk wandered out to the back porch tonite to get the fridges
ready for pick up tomorrow, i was feelin' so darn lucky to have him.

and that's when i heard him do this sarcastic squeak and feign shock
and surprise and blurt out an 'oh my! there's a small child inside!"

he took me totally off guard and i burst out laughing.

the sarcastic bum.
i shoulda wacked him upside his head.
instead i loved him all the more........

if i had known.......

life is odd.

it just is.

and kinda cool.

here i am so totally entangled with this goofball guy of mine.
when my life settles down, his goes nuts.
and when his life is quiet...mine goes...no. wait.
his is never quiet.
well, kinda. in their own kinda way.
when they get in their own kinda quiet, mine goes nuts.
and then when both his is nuts and mine is nuts...
well, then, there's just no hiding from it - it's all nuts.

some of that stuff can be pretty heavy stuff.

we've learned a lot about how to be there for the other thru
it all.

he knows now to ask what he can do and i know now to step aside
and give him some space. we mostly know when to speak and when
not to. when to hold and when to let go.

i tried to offer comic relief to him this morning.
that didn't work so well. i sitll need to learn that part.
well, it helped me out.
but um...that wasn't the goal.
i took it as a side perk tho.

i walked and thought about it all.
the long long long road we've traveled in the not all that long time
we've known each other. feels like lifetimes. all the work, effort,
time and caring.

we both thought it would bring different results.
prolly a good thing neither of us knew how some of it would go.
and life isn't over.
results change again and again and again.
we both know that. still, there are certain things that won't change.
and that's hard sometimes.

would i have done it if i had known when i was first starting with him?

no.
i don't think so.
i don't think i would have.
i'm pretty sure i would have run the other way.

am i glad i didn't know?
yeah.
yeah.
way glad.

cause while there's so much that has sucked, it hasn't been what's
been between the two of us. what's been between the two of us has
had to weather all the other.

and i never coulda seen that part if i had been allowed to peek in
and decide.

that weathering has been our strength.
that weathering has taught us about each other - and so much about
our own selves.
and it's pushed us into learning how to love.

if i could have picked, if someone woulda put options in front of me
and said 'here, pick which romantic life you'd like.' you can be sure,
i woulda picked the smooth easy pretty one!

good thing that never happened.
i woulda missed the most amazing man on the planet.

life is odd.
and kinda cool.

skewed balance....

she called right in the middle of a minor melt down.
i let it go.
called her a bit later.
left a message explaining the minor meltdown, no big deal,
just hormones i said as i laughed on the message and inserted
a few comments in case her husband heard the message first.

she called back, launching into her own minor meltdown stories,
hormonal happenings, feelings of overwhelm - both positive and
not so positive.

i closed my eyes and soaked her voice and words up like a sponge.
her emotions goin' all over the place with the stories.
oh yes.
this felt good.

i forget how much testosterone i live with.
i sometimes think that bone sigh arts is my estrogen and that i'm
okay. i forget how much i need real live estrogen friends from
time to time.

bob asked me later if i felt any better. i told him yeah, told
him i had meltdown and it helped and that just talkin' to my friend
and hearin' girl kinda feelings helped a ton too.

he laughed.

sometimes i try to picture what one of my guys would be like
surrounded by multitudes of estrogen. it helps me remember that
there sooooooo needs to be a balance!
and i gotta keep that in mind.
for everybody's sanity around here!

changes

there's been this weird spring cleaning thing that happened here.
it was an accident.
started with just needing to think, so painting the kitchen seemed
like a good idea.
then with the heat coming soon, the guys will need to move down to where
it's cooler in the house, so i had to clean out part of my studio to
make room.

thru all of this some cleaning had to take place.

and thru that cleaning, this odd kinda cleaning out of the old lives
took place.

i've felt this here and there before when i cleaned...but this time
it was hitting me all over the place.

at one point, i remembered when the kids were little. i was changing
something around that had been that way since they were small.
wow.
the memories flooded in.
just filled me.
there was such a sense of that life being over.

as i was headin' to the grocery store one evening, i saw something the
guys had put in the trash that needed to go. it was good they tossed it.
but again.....it was something from a past life. when the kids
were a little bit older, but still kids.

i'm feelin' it more and more.
even tho that lifetime ended awhile ago.
i seem to be feeling it now.

i guess when that lifetime ended, i was so busy building a new one.
and now the 'new' one is changing too. so i see all of it changing.

last nite i hung out with my guy and his son for awhile.
there was a lot of laughing and bantering.
when i looked over at them at one point, sitting across from each
other, both laughing so hard one had his hands over his head laughing
and the other with his eyes closed leaning back laughing...
i smiled.
the journey it's been to get to that moment has been so so so so long.

and that lifetime of workin' so hard at it all is over too.

all over the place, out of the blue, memories of different lifetimes
will shoot thru me. and i think 'wow, that feels like forever ago.
and it's just gone.'

we just keep growing and changing. and it brings some really good stuff
with it. and some really hard stuff.
i'm struck with that.
the mix.
of the really hard/challenging and the really easy/joyful.
how fast it all goes.
how much it all changes.

and while i know i have to - and want to - hang on for the ride,
today, i'm closing my door, snuggling into my studio and just
stayin' quiet while life roars all around me.

grinnin'........

i gotta scoot out the door, but i had the funnest thought.
and yes, i said funnest.
had to share.

i got a note yesterday from someone trying to be helpful.
they were pointing out a grammar blunder.
trust me, i get a lot of these notes.
and i DO try to go correct them.
but this one's on a print, and well, i'll get to it when
i re-order. it really doesn't bother me.
i will change it. cause it's correct the way he told me.
and i'm fine with that.
just not in a panic over it.

and i'm grinnin'. and there IS a point to this.

i used to get in a panic over it.
ohmygosh, look what i did! i'm so stupid!

these don't bother me anymore.
i've made too many!!!
i admit it...i have no idea when to use lay/lie
i have to look it up every time.
i can tell then/than apart (altho that's the mistake he pointed out!)
so i still mess up.
and it's total habit to put the apostrophe in 'it's' every time i
type that darn word.
and yes, i've been told what's the correct way to use its and it's.
then there's the complete misspellings!! some are just typo kinda things,
some are just um.....i'm a horrible speller!!!
there's grammar in general...but that's been out the door for so long,
people have given up on that.

what's cool about this is.....IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME ANYMORE!!!
and it used to.

people have different approaches to how they tell me. and most people
are super gentle and try real hard to present it nicely.

i'm thinking this guy probably tried to be nice....
but his saying he didn't buy this piece because it would 'offend' the person
he wanted to give it to who was an english teacher made me laugh.

this morning i was thinking of the note.
i was thinking of offending the english teacher.
i was thinking of the ONLY teacher who never like me was in fact,
AN ENGLISH TEACHER! and i do think i sorta offended her in some way.
so i thought the whole thing was funny.

and the fact that messin' up with then/than could offend someone.

wow.

i laughed and thought 'trust me, there's a lot more about me that
would offend her then that.'

and i smiled and enjoyed the whole thought and realized something...
this seriously doesn't bother me anymore!!!
i don't feel stupid. i don't feel inadequate. it's not a big deal.

yeah, yeah, i'll fix it.
but that's it. i'll fix it. that's it.

and that! that! is big news!!!

and the offense thing?
seriously.
what's up with that???

i'm startin' to see what's my deal and what's not.
and i thought it was pretty darn nifty!
or um......just one of the funnest things to share today!!

grinnin'.......

the forum

not tryin' to push anyone over to the bone sigh arts forum who doesn't want to be there!
just wanted to point it out again for anyone who's interested and hasn't been there yet.

i am truly truly amazed at the opening and sharing that's going on over there.
and have teared up more than once reading some of the posts.

it looks like it truly can be a healing community.
if you're struggling at all, you may want to come check it out.
feels soothing over there.

here's a link......

the choice card

because i'm a bit of a flaky soul, more than one friend has
gifted me with those packs of cards where you pull a card out of the
deck and it gives you a thought for the day or they're tarot spin offs,
or that kinda thing. i actually have a few decks here.

and interestingly enough,the one that i would think i would gravitate
towards least, is the one i actually use. because EVERY TIME i've pulled
a card, it's given me something dead on relevant to think about.

and today i pulled the 'choice card.'

this deck uses flowers to make its point.

'the guidance coming to you from this flower is to fully appreciate your
choices as extensions of your spirituality.'

(okay, like i 'knew' that....like it's no surprise.......but isn't that
beautifully worded?? like um....WHAT A GREAT POINT!)

'when making a choice, it isn't just which option you choose, it is the
quality, intention and commitment from which you choose that course of
action that tells you whether or not your spirit is engage in the decision.'

i just plain ol' loved that.
thought it was a gorgeous reminder.
thought i'd share.....

the deck is 'angelic messenger cards' by meredith young-sowers

out with the hyper in with the gentle...

i have been a hyper maniac for a few weeks now.
'wired!' was my answer to how i was doin'.
we were cleaning yesterday and zakk pointed out
how dumpy one of my book shelves was.

before i knew it, we had cleaned thru all the books,
moved the shelf out and rearranged the furniture.
then i went back to work. it's just been like that
for a bit now. i've wondered how long it can last.
for getting things done, it's an awesome thing.

this morning as i walked, i was filled with how soft
the morning seemed.

everything seemed soft.
the clouds were a buncha soft puffs. a whole bunch of 'em.

the trees and their blossoms....ohmygosh, just so gentle.

soft and gentle.

as i noticed it more and more, i could feel myself sinking
into it.

gentle just hasn't been part of my world lately.
gentle isn't part of hyper.
and i've missed it.
a lot.

i could feel the hyper leaving.

there it goes, i thought.
i wondered when it would happen.

i regretted it a little bit as today was the day i was
gonna do a big clean up with my studio....
this spring cleaning stuff really calls for energy.

and well....it's too late.
the gentle's sunk right on in.

and it's the oddest thing, but i so need it.

i didn't know i was a gentle person.
i really didn't.
until bob came along and looked at me like i had three heads
when he realized i didn't know.
since then, i've watched.
and yeah, i'm real gentle.
and living with all the testosterone that i do,
well......i forget how much i need it.

i think the hyper's been my way of getting a grip on my life.
diggin' in and making life work.
and now the gentle time reminds me that it does work.
yeah, i gotta do my part.
but sometimes my part is just watching.

the gentle's reminding me of that.

perfect timing

ha! talk about timing!
this is the woman i just talked about in the blog below.....

check this out!!!!

the wedding ring project...

alrighty...
i kept quiet yesterday to give a little room for stephey's blog hop (see below)
so today i'll prolly be bursting with millions of posts to make up for it!!

we featured patty on our site this month.
if you haven't been by, she's a woman with a story you want to get to know.
i honestly was floored by her beauty when i met her. a stunning woman doing some
amazing work.

when i did have the pleasure of meeting her, i spent some time having lunch with her
and noah. i tell ya, it was so great having noah there. and then....it turned priceless.
as we were talking about where patty was going and what she had done, she told us of
the story of her selling her old wedding ring to make funds for a house for a woman
amed lady fair who herself had been raped multiple times and had taken in a bunch of
kids who had been raped and was raising them in a shack with no running water...and i mean,
a shack. (there should be the story of lady fair on the site of patty's, be sure to check that out. it's incredible.)

anyway, as we talked, noah brought up the idea that people who had been divorced could send in their old wedding rings.
i remember just this zinging electricity in the air. patty and i both opened our eyes
and mouths wide. and that's how 'the wedding ring project' first was born.
the excitement at the table was thru the roof.

i've had to keep quiet about it all this time while she got it together and launched it.
and i tell ya, i've been chompin' at the bit to talk about it.

is that brilliant or what?!
and it's not just wedding rings.....any jewelry of some value can be used.
you send it to patty, and she's got some great arrangement that she explains
on the site. she turns it into as much money as she can.
the goal is to build a safe house(s) for women and children who've been raped.
a place for them to go to transition.

can you imagine doing something so valuable with jewelery you don't know what
to do with?? AND! how about an old wedding ring that has some not so great
feelings connected with it??? what a beautiful healing thing to do with it!

couldn't wait to share.......
what a lunch! what a woman! what a son! what an idea! what a great great
thing all around!

stephey's blog hop!

“she realized her heart hadn't just opened -
it had been spun around and tilted
until it had turned toward the sun.
open, facing the sun,
she could feel god again.”


ha! i get to play with stephey and a whole bunch of really cool women!
and i'm feelin' pretty darn lucky about that...and also typically goofy.
she set this up where on a specific day we post a blog that answers one of the questions she provided.
that all sounds simple enough.
only thing is, i goofed on the directions and sent her my blog thinking she was gonna post it. not me. um. yeah. what can i say?
i was all early and conscientious. i just had the directions all wrong!
she graciously accepted what i sent her to include on her blog and asked if i felt like doin' another for mine.
how nice is that?!
thank you stephey, for being so kind about the whole deal.

if you haven't been over to the blog hop, you'll want to stop on by!
it's a great gathering of some awesome women. and valerie skinner is my partner in posting today! be sure to go check valerie out!!

i grabbed this question - 'what message is your heart eager to share?' because ever since the 'white tree theory,' i'm starting to understand something differently than i ever have before. and i'd love to share it!

not familiar with the white tree theory?
well, probably not as i made it up.

in a nutshell......it's the idea that every single one of us 'comes down to earth' with a white tree. we all have this gorgeous white tree that is strong and beautiful and healthy and reaches its arms to the heavens. it's a symbol for our inherit goodness, our inherit beauty, our value, our core - that kinda stuff.

but as we go along thru life, it gets hacked, sawed, burned and sometimes...as i was feeling recently.....it gets demolished.

so i had this visual of the tree.
my tree.
and it was pretty bleak.
ashes, charred bits, rubble...
a very discouraging visual.

after i got done kind of freaking out from the feeling that this is what's driving me, this is what's underneath me...and the shock of that thought...i came to a question.

'how do i get it back?'

how do i get my white tree back in all its glorious splendor??

the answer to that is what feels different to me.
and that's what i'm anxious to share.

i think up until very recently i was in 'builder' mode. i had to build my life back. i had to build my core back. i had to find the bricks, the beams, the materials. i had to find them, put them together, do the carpentry, do everything.

but with the visual of the tree, i end up looking at it from a different angle.
a completely different angle.
it's not one of building.
it's one of allowing.
it's one of shoving the debris aside and making room for the sun.

and that's the difference......

the work that i have to do for this to happen is different than the work that i have been doing before.
it's more of being aware of how i block the sunshine. it's more of being aware of how i stop the nutrients. it's more of a getting out of my own way.

there's definitely work involved.
i have to keep watching, i have to keep the awareness.
and then, when i see myself accepting things that will block the sunshine or nutrients, i have to put those things down! i have to go towards things that are sunshine and nurturing for me.

not always easy. but with the visual in front of me, with the question always in my mind 'does this grow the tree??' well, it seems to put a whole great focus on what it is i'm doing.

i don't feel it's any less work, i just feel it's way, way more productive work.
there's more of an allowing involved here for me.
allowing my own goodness to come forth.
not trying to make it happen.

and.
and.

and.
i think that in that allowing there's another message that's so incredibly valuable and important.
one that only adds to the process.

one that only adds to the beauty.

in the act of allowing, i'm also saying i believe that it's there. it's there already. i know that it exists. i know i don't have to build this. i already have it. deep, deep inside of me. i am that beauty and that goodness and that strength.

i am that already. all i need to do is let it grow.

that's one heck of a message to be holding.
it's a concept that i've heard in different ways in my head and around my head for years.
yeah. yeah yeah, i'd nod when people would tell me i already am what i want to be.
yeah. yeah. yeah.
nod and smile.
cause i 'knew' what they meant.
in my head i knew.

it wasn't til recently that my bones trembled with the message.
that my spirit soared with the thought.
and i understood in a whole different way.

and that's what my heart is eager to share - it's in you. your white tree.
it's right there in you.
in me.
in us.
waiting for us to know it.
how cool is that?!


'a tree of life.
a tree of knowledge.
a tree of soul.
a tree of goodness.
a tree of her.
it was her core.
burnt.
scarred.
hacked.
cut.
chopped
and carved in.
it was still there.
pushing the ashes out of the way,
making room for sunlight
and water -
she nurtured it back to fullness,
she nurtured it back to life.
and she and her tree
held the sky and its moon
and together, they danced
and together, they grew.'

friendship

tonite, i sit here and think about friendship.
tomorrow one of my friends turns 50.
i was sposed to be there with her to celebrate
and couldn't make it.
i haven't forgotten that for one minute.
with my first thought today of imagining being on
the beach with her talking and looking at the waves...
i wonder if she knows how much i wanted to be there.

i got to thinking of all we have been thru together.
and the twisty road that we've been down.
it made me reflect on all my friendships.

they were sad thoughts at first.
there's some sad stuff goin' on....

another friend of mine is struggling and i can't
help. not only can i not help, i'm screaming inside that
i disagree with so much that's goin' on and i know
i can't be heard. i walked around my yard in tears today
just to release the emotion that had no place to go.

there's the friend i listened to and felt helpless and lost
not sure how my conflicting values fit in with her problems.
and being uncomfortable enough that i just wanted to hide.

i've argued with myself many times that i can't put
my values and my views on anyone but me.
sounds real good.
but at times it's real real hard to practice.

i've watched friends delude themselves just as i'm sure
they've watched me do the same. silently i watched trying
to trust the process they were in.

trust the process.
over and over i repeat that to myself.

cause i find myself questioning myself.
can i really be the friend they need?
maybe i'm just not friend material.
maybe i'm just not cut out for relationships.
can i honor myself and them at the same time?
how do i handle the madness and the sorrow that comes from
caring so much and being different than them??

and then i smiled.
i thought of my friend at the beach.
and some of the belly laughs we've shared.
and the incredible closeness.
i thought of all my friends and what they bring to me.
and how i couldn't get thru some of my days without them.

it's life, ter.
it's just like life.
it's never gonna be all smooth.
there's never gonna be one answer.
the questioning that you fall into with them helps you grow
yourself. you need them. even the pain of it all at times.
just trust the process.
and keep learning how to love.

trust. and keep learning...

white

so i had this whole 'in my head' experience which was an odd one
because i was afraid of something that wasn't there!

and then i pick up that book i really like, 'when love meets fear'
and read this -

'neurotic' means repetition of archaic ways of protecting ourselves
against what no longer truly threatens us.'

ha!
can you just believe that?

my eyes get wide.
i grin.
great. i'm neurotic.

he then gives us a line for what ego's about - 'ego is a device
for believing you are separate, in control, entitled to an exemption
from the conditions of existence.'

(love the 'entitled to an exemption' part)

okay....then a sentence on what the Self is - 'The Self is the same in
everyone: unconditional love, perennial wisdom, and the power to heal
ourselves and others.'

okay, now we got all that, we go to this:
'Our psychological work is to bring our ego into the service of the
Self, to design our every thought, word, and deed to show the love,
wisdom, and healing that we were born with.'

"Nothing less is required for wholeness than the total dissolution
of the neurotic fear-bound ego....."

hmmmm.....

and then i thought of my kitchen.
there's this part i needed to paint last nite (yes, it goes on and on...
15 minutes here, 15 minutes there) and these particular 15 minutes were
in the dark.

yeah.
zakk was workin' on the light, had the power off, and it was my slot
of time to paint.

hmmmm.....
it was just a recoating on a flat area, no sweat.
i don't need to see.

i grabbed a bucket of paint that i had around the house. it said 'white'
on the front. thing is, i didn't notice the little tag on the top where
it had the color it had been mixed to. some darn off-white color.

who knew?

i painted my spot, joked with the guys about painting in the dark,
washed up my brush, was throwing dinner together when the lights went on.
i looked at what i had painted.

hmmmmmmmm........

sure didn't look white.

hmmmm.....

'maybe it'll dry white.' i said hopefully as i dished out dinner.

hmmmmmm........

'that's not white.' the guys commented.

'maybe it'll dry white.' i said again.

and laughed.

and i kept saying it.
cause i kept hoping.

it wasn't white.
obviously.

but i said it again.
hmmmmmm.....maybe it'll dry white.

this morning as i coated white paint over it in the light,
i was smiling at the whole thing.

i could just stand there and try to convince myself it'll fix
itself. cause i'm tired. and i just want it to be white.

and as i type out these thoughts about my psychological work,
i think of my kitchen.

when it's obviously not right, and still standing there hoping
it'll fix itself...well, yeah, i'm quite capable of doing that
with my head stuff.

hmmmmm.......maybe it'll go away.
hmmmmmmmm......maybe it'll all just heal.

and this morning, in the light, thinking about what i had just read,
i know i just gotta dig in and keep doin' what i gotta do.
'nothing less is required than the total dissolution of the neurotic
fear bound ego.'

it won't dry white unless i paint it white.
i think that's a new mantra of mine........