the trauma button

i never really think that i had 'trauma' in my life.
i've had really bad moments, really icky things,
but trauma? i've heard trauma stories...i haven't had those.

then one day, having coffee with a friend, talking to her about
something that happened inside of me, she calmly explained
that i was triggered because of my trauma and what i was describing
to her was my reaction to the trigger.

that was the first time i ever even considered that idea.

i remember tilting my head sideways and just stopping and thinking
about it. really considering the idea.

i still hesitate with it, because, like i said....i've heard
trauma stories......i don't have those.

but maybe....just maybe...a good lot of us have had some sort
of trauma that we just call 'that really bad thing' that happened.
i don't know.

don't know if it matters what we call it.

what matters to me is that i recognize when it's been 'triggered'
or i know some of the side effects that continue to pop up years
later.

something happened fairly recently that 'triggered' me.
i didn't know it.
just thought i got really hurt.

i didn't put the stuff it dredged up, and the deep feelings i couldn't
shake together as signs of being triggered. but looking at it this morning,
i'm thinking that explains a lot of my inside feelings lately.

it took yesterday for something to make me think of it.

when i felt that feeling like my whole body got jolted with a fear....
when i feel physically hit by something....quickly. and move my body
because i can feel the strike, and then as quickly as it hits,
it leaves me. but it doesn't leave me like it found me. it leaves me
scared and confused.

when i felt that, i knew that was trigger stuff.
it's so intense, there's no mistaking it.

and this morning, in reflecting on that moment, i realized my trauma button
had been hit a few weeks ago...and i haven't been the same since.

i felt the change in me....
but didn't know what it was about.

i don't know why knowing what's going on changes everything.
i honestly don't get that.
but this morning, i feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off
my shoulders.

why???
nothing's changed.....

or has it?

just knowing and understanding, makes it all so much better.

and makes me see that it isn't 'life' that's hard right now.
it's just that button got pushed.
and it's had enough time to cause its chaos inside of me.

it can be done now.

til next time, of course.......
but maybe......just maybe........if i can become more aware of it
earlier on.....maybe that will help.

another josh blog....

i loved this line.......
'but crying doesn't alays have to be with eyes and tears.
it can be with guitars or paint, words or clay or pictures.'

that's from josh's blog, 'of amy and oslo'......
check it out....

the ghosts were out...

i skipped the walk this morning and just sat on my back porch
looking out into the back yard.

the ghosts were active this morning.
all the ghosts of memories.

we have a nice decent sized back yard.
one reason we bought the place way back when zakk wasn't
even born yet. a yard for the kids to goof in.

and it ended up having different sections to it.

i looked over at the one section...
the place we would hook up some kinda work light on top
of a ladder, set that up at nite, say they were our stadium lights,
and play some kinda goofy ball game over there. all the hollering...
i could just about hear it...see the light in the dark...the feel
of playing outside in the dark...

then there was the other area where the kids learned to throw the
baseball and hit. i remembered swinging the bat and running around
and hollerin' with them...i could see it so clearly.

my head turned to another section....where the swing set used to be...
all the time swinging when they were way young.

or over there......where we kept the 3x12 pool that seemed so big when
we first got it.

i could see the laughing, the playing, the growing.

sometimes it comes back so clear to me i really feel like it haunts me.
i'm never sure if it feels good or sad or what. it seems to be such
a mix of both with an overwhelming feeling of life going way too fast.

then i stop myself and realize i'm going to feel that way about right now.
how i'm going to remember all the crazy stuff of the guys when they were
grown and finishing up their time here.

my life is good. it's always been good. even when it was bad it was good.
yeah. it's been life. so full.

and it keeps goin'.

i want it to slow down today.
i really do.
or maybe i just want to make sure i hold it all as precious.

i remember thinking that when the guys were small.
'hold this, ter, cause it doesn't last long. appreciate it.'
and i did.
i really did.
and it slipped right away.
into more preciousness.

a constant flow of preciousness.
slipping thru my fingers but touching me so deeply just the same.

the ghosts were out tuggin' on my heart this morning.
reminding me of the gift of today.

toasting the magic!

okay, i have a lot of cosmic reminders in my life.

stuff that makes me stop and slap my head and wonder why on earth
i forget how magical life is.

some stuff i'm more quiet about, some stuff i run around and tell
my sons and squeal in delight...and then some are just too amazing
and i have to share here!

this happened this morning and i just keep thinking about it.....

a few years back, i was completely changing over my bedroom.
getting rid of stuff i had from the married days, and just totally
making it mine. it was really symbolic to me, and meant a lot.
i had taken a long time to do the whole do-over...and now i felt
the time was right and felt really good about it.

i needed a new piece of art.

but what?

this was replacing my old life, and going to be a part of my new one.
it mattered to me.

what would it be?

i had no idea.

i got on the redbubble site.
if you've never been over there, i highly recommend it.
gazillions and gazillions of talented artists!

i got on the site having no idea what i wanted, but knowing that when
i saw it, i would recognize it.

sure enough.....i browsed for awhile and bam! there it was!
just what i wanted!

i didn't hesitate. ordered it, dropped the artist a thank you,
and was just so tickled when it came in.
it's been hanging in my room for years now.

when my insides are getting a little crazed, or i'm having a hard
time, or i just need some kinda centering, i look at the print,
and i feel a sense of calm and perspective. in all honesty, that print
gets looked at and appreciated every single day.

so now, here we go....my son noah has some friends on redbubble.

this morning, he shared a link to an artist in poland that he knows.
it was her redbubble page. i ordered some cards from her, then
asked noah if he had any other redbubble buddies that he wanted to
share as i was card shopping.
he shared the link of a woman that we'd just been talking about
and then he said 'and you've seen parmi's work, right?' and shared
his link.

parmi is a buddy of noah's from on line. i've heard about him for ages.
i've even stopped and seen some of his work before when noah was first
getting to know him.

so i popped on parmi's link, browsed thru his stuff, was picking a few
for cards when bam! i saw my print right there in his mix of stuff!!!!

OHMYGOSH!
i couldn't believe it.
i did a double take.

i clicked on it to make sure.
it couldn't be!
it WAS!!!!!

this is someone noah really likes and has known for awhile now.
and i had NO idea he was the same guy!!!

trust me, there are GAZILLIONS of artists there.
the chances that i found parmi's work without even knowing it
are like the chances i have of winning the lottery.
(hmmmm....maybe i ought to go buy a ticket!)

so as i'm falling outta my chair and squealing about this.....
i get a note from parmi.

he remembers the sale.
it was the first print he sold off of redbubble.
and he said that purchase had encouraged him a lot.
and he had no idea it was me! (he knows i'm noah's mom)

i'm going to put the link to redbubble here.......if you
go over and see all the work, your eyes will bug out!
both because it's all awesome....and because it's impossible
that i found parmi like i did~!

impossible.

and i so love that.
i just love that.

{and for those who've read the post below...here's my first chance
to grin and say 'oh my gosh, there she goes again!'
and i'm soooooooo lovin' it!)

raisin' my cup of ice tea to the universe today!
may we always dance in the magic that surrounds us!

and here's the links to check out!

parmi's work!
if you browse around, you'll see the blue one called 'wanderlust'...
that's the one!

another friend of noah's, voloschka. i've seen more of her work. we've got to get her posting them! she's awesome!

and noah's friend from poland, filosho.
i ordered some of her heart stuff! love the 'love' one that's 'lowe!'

i can't believe it! i left noah out of the list!
well, back again to add him here.......definitely check out noah's work too!

there she goes again....

there's different forms it can start with...
different beginnings....

you can have 'oh for heaven's sake'
or 'oh for pete's sake'
or 'ohmygod'
or 'oh lord'
or just a big heavy sigh....

and then you can insert 'there she goes again.'

i was walkin' this morning and heard in my head
'oh my god, there she goes again' and i laughed out loud
right there on the street.

it was nice to laugh about it and have it strike my funny bone.

but suddenly i knew...i spend my days with that voice hangin' out in
the shadows!

i walked and thought about the question 'are you comfortable in your
own skin?'

'shoot, no!' i answered without hesitation.

hmmmm...that's not so good.
i didn't like that answer....or it's coming so fast.

but the question came right after the 'there she goes again thought'
and i knew that phrase hangs in my shadows....maybe even in my skin.
and causes discomfort.

i thought of my dad.
he'd mostly start with 'oh for heaven's sake.'
add to that this crazed look in his eyes like i got under his skin
and bulged his eyes out in the process. made his eyebrows arch in pain.

i'm laughing thinking about it.
but you know it's not funny.

and as i type i hear the lines in the music coming from the next room -

"break the line. we have to go. cause there's no way back where we're comin' from."

i think i break the line.
i think i move forward.
but then i see these things holding me back.
without even noticing them, they hold me back.

like not wanting to stir up that response again in anyone.
not wanting to ever hear 'oh my lord, there she goes again.'

on my walk tho, i was thinking maybe that's an okay thing.
maybe that's an okay line.
and maybe i just didn't know it.

i thought it meant people stopped loving me when i got that response.
at least for a moment. and if i got too many of them, it'd stop for good.
silly girl...

that's not love.
nor is it living...being afraid to hear that.

and maybe instead of making me cringe, it should make me smile.

i like that idea.

so without having any magic wand to wave and make myself love that line,
i've decided to play with it.

joke with myself with it.
use it when i'm being really me and work on relishing it.
work on taking that line that now causes discomfort under my skin,
and make it a lotion that soothes my skin and lets me know that
i'm really living.

not sure how to....but figure i'll start with playing...and go from there.

oh for heaven's sake....there she goes.
always playing, that girl........

yeah.
yeah.
that's me.
thank heaven.

thinking.....

driving along, i had this thought....

i don't want her to be lost.
i mean, really really lost.
so lost she has no idea.
i was gonna say broken...that seems unfair.
lost seems more fair.

i don't want her to be lost.
i don't want all that hurt to have taken her away.
i don't want her to not know how to love.
i don't want her to be like she is.

i want her different.

and that's not love.

bob's taught me that.
real love is loving all the person.
and allowing them to be.

that's real love.

i need to release my wants and allow her to be.

and then i'll be able to love her for real.

how do i release my wants?

maybe that's how i tie in what my friend told me this morning.
really loving someone else is really loving yourself.

maybe if i can really love myself, i won't want her to be different.
and maybe she can just be.

but she'll die a person who never lived, i argue.

and so she will, i answer. that's not my deal.

but maybe my deal is loving her anyway.

a coffee break....

got this off a buddy's blog........

it's 14 minutes long.......see if you have time
for a coffee break today.....it's so worth it!

click here


and here's the link to my buddy's blog....

a remember list...

feelin' a bit weary today, i sat at my desk thinking,
trying to feel what was going on inside.

i feel way detached from the world today.
possibly a reaction to the emotions of the week and the world news.
possibly a reaction to a string of events in my own life.

whatever the reason, detached it is.

i looked down at a pad i had on the desk.
last nite i had grabbed a bunch of bone sighs and taken a single
line out of each.

i got a list that looks like this....

choosing to believe, i face the world again
they changed the darkness back to light
to grow her heart
the healing began
it's a river you must dare to ride
she nurtured it back to fullness
it felt holy
the wise one inside
her heart spoke to her
our souls remember
she danced
bowing down
holding hands
her song
with light in my eyes

underneath the list, i have scribbled, 'living life'.....

it's a cool list.
it's a reminder list.
it's a remember list.
it helps me remember what's inside of me.
that's not why i wrote it. but it helps a lot today.
cause for some reason, i can't quite feel it right now.
but i remember - it's a process.
and right now i must be in some sorta shut down mode.
but i'm trusting it.

i am so trusting it.

and that right there makes me smile.
i'm learning.

how many times have i said 'trust the process.'
man.
about five gazillion.

maybe it's finally sinking in.....
curlin' in, claiming some quiet space, and trusting the process.

an encouraging train of thought....

only up to page 30 of this book of mine (toward a psychology
of awakening) but i'm thinking this is one for the widget on the side...
if it keeps goin' this way, i'm gonna have to add it. cause i'm really
likin' it.

here's the thought that's got my interest....but i haven't done anything
with yet -but i'm sharin' now cause it's one i think a whole lot of us should be aware of.

it's the idea that we develop these defenses when we're young.
and they're fantastic when we're young cause they save us.
they keep us going.

but that when we're older, they don't help us. they turn dysfunctional.

i don't think that's news.
especially the more extreme the story...

but here's the part that i'm diggin' and does feel like news -
there's gold in those defenses.

ha! go figure!

he gives an example of someone who become ferociously independent
to survive. well, when she got older, she couldn't let people in
or get close to people. so you can see the problem.

but rather than just 'break her' of her independence (which apparently
some people did....and broke her in the process) he says that deep
inside that independence is an incredible strength.
and that she can draw on that instead of throwing the whole thing out.

so here's a quote from the book -

'if every defensive pattern contains hidden intelligence and resources,
this means that we do not have to reject the defensive personality.
instead, we need to crack it open, so that we can discover and gain
access to the intelligence and resources that lie hidden within it.'

i want to work with this for me personally.
but i want to offer this out here because of the stories i've heard
thru people coming thru bone sighs.

i have heard many a woman hate herself or her younger self for things
she has done. for the way she grew up. for things that seem to me like
they would connect to this thought.

something i love about this author is his praise for the things kids
do to protect themselves. he talks about how creative or strong or
resourceful these things are.

and i'm thinking these are the very things a lot of people hate themselves
for. wouldn't this be a nice twist to think about?

how amazing you were to come up with the things you did to survive?
how you DID survive? and now how you can find the gem in that and
discard the stuff that doesn't work anymore and is holding you back.

easier said than done, i know.
but i thought a really encouraging train of thought.
and so i wanted to share.......

for norway....

I choose

the darkness comes.
blackness surrounds.
overwhelmed, i fall to the ground.
and there, with my arms covering my head,
with my tears soaking the earth,
wanting to block everything out,
it makes its way thru the pain.
it finds me.
the light i can't stop believing in.
the light that somehow will not die.
finding me again,
it tells me to stand and let it shine thru me.
tears still wet on my face, i stand.
choosing to believe, i face the world again
with light in my eyes.

and so i try...

there are times in my life when stuff goes on and there's such a pattern
in the stuff, that even when i'm not looking, i have to notice. it's just too obvious.

that happened this weekend. and right there in my face was the message that i wasn't
accepting the messiness of life.

i really like things to be tidy. i really do.
it doesn't even have to be good....just tidy....so i know what it is.

for example....if i have a relationship that's ended, or that just doesn't work,
i can deal with that in my own way if i know it. but the mixed messages, the not
understanding...the messiness of it all can drive me bonkers. i want things to
be clear so i can then deal with them. just tell me what's goin' on so i can
do what i gotta do.

yeah. good luck with that one, ter.

and so as i looked around at just about everything in my life being messy right now,
i thought maybe i ought to pay attention to that. the messiness part. the bigger
theme. my struggle with that part.

easier said than done because what i do is get sidetracked in the other stuff.
in the hurt or the confusion....the detail stuff.
and i forget to look at the whole deal.

last nite i posted the poster we have called 'honoring you' on face book.
i posted it because i was thinking of the people in norway. the words on it
are these....

weeping and aching, i longed to honor
your passing.
i longed to honor your life.
searching everywhere, i found only one answer.
honor myself.
become all that i am. and carry you inside that beauty.

i thought of those words and those people as i walked this morning.
and when i saw myself getting caught up in the wrong direction with my messy stuff,
i thought of the whole idea of becoming all that i am.

i thought of those words and i mean them. they're sincere.

honoring myself and becoming all that i am gets lost when i turn in the wrong
direction with the stuff in my life.

life is messy.
always will be.
i won't have tidy little answers everywhere i go.
life is fluid, flowing.

each moment is a chance for me to be who i want to be.

and i'm trying a little harder right now.

and it's one thing i can do to honor the pain in the world right now.

and so i try....
and i work on my acceptance of the messiness of it all...

tears

i've been quiet in the places i usually rattle along at.
when things hit deeply, i get quiet.

anything i might say feels like noise.

the horror in oslo has hit hard.

i am holding all those people in my heart.

and out of respect to them, i just don't want to add to the
noise of the world right now.

and i want to allow myself the tears that i find coming over
and over. it's all i have to offer.

quietly holding the people of oslo in my heart,
and crying for the world.......

a wee bit warm...

we have ac units in the two rooms we work in. the guys finally
convinced me a few years ago that the computers would burn up if we didn't
do something. and so we've got some ac in here. in the main part of the house,
it's still just fans. if it gets too hot, you've got a place to curl in, you
can just keep on workin'! and if it's not that bad, you just go about your day
in any place in the house.

i like it that way.
i grew up with blasting really cold central air, and i'm sure that has a lot
to do with my liking fans now. and yeah, i know my sons will probably all
have central air because of the way they've been raised!

thing is, i used to hate summer. and i think it had a lot to do with central air.
i felt like everything should be cooler. and it was just so god awful hot
when i stepped outside.

now summer's summer. it's hot. that's what summer is. and i don't know,
it's just completely different in my head.

i sat here and reminisced this morning. of when the guys were small and
we had no ac at all.

we had one of those 3'x12' pools in the back yard. and that was what we
used to cool down. it really worked great too. it was our great luxury
and we so enjoyed it~!

when the heat of the summer really rolled in, i'd get the most gigantic
stack of books out of the library. and yes, i was one of those people you
never wanted to get behind in line and you wonder do they REALLY read all
those books......yes! we really did!

we'd turn on the ceiling fan and lay under it with the books and read all
day....i'd read out loud to them for hours. we'd take a break and go swim
and cool down, we'd nap, and we'd do puzzles by the fan.

i'm serious...that was a summer day for us. many of them.
and the reading literally went on for hours. and the guys snuggled in and
got lost in the stories.

there was some sort of cycle to it.
it was like it was time to just mellow out and do nothing.
it was the natural time of the cycle to be lazy.
and it just felt right.
it was the perfect time to listen to stories and get lost in them.

there has never been a time in my life like that before or since then.

at the time i was just mothering.
doing what i felt was good for the boys.
i don't think i ever realized how precious those moments would always
be in my heart.

it was the heat of the summer, for pete's sakes. not my favorite time of year.

and yet...i look back now and see those hot days as giving me some of the
best gifts ever.

feeling smaltzy today and actually appreciating the heat.
go figure.

sharin'.....

i was browsing thru a new book the other nite -
'toward a psychology of awakening' by john welwood.
i haven't gotten very far and i'm extra slow these days,
but i do still get a little here and there.

and i'm likin' the idea of this book.
he sayin' we need both psychology and spirituality
mixed together. that's my kinda mix.

fully inhabiting the body, and working with our psychological
patterns he relates to the earth.
and learning to surrender and letting go of all investment
in form he relates to heaven.

he's got a little section called 'awakening the heart' which, of course,
caught my attention.

i loved this part -

'psychological work can go a long way toward opening the heart,
yet fully awakening the heart requires the more total letting go
discovered through spiritual realization. without the vast spaciousness
of the heaven principle we might be able to let others in but then not
be able to let them go or let them be. letting go also involves a sense
of humor, which arises when we step out of being stuck in a structure.
when we laugh, we have just stepped out of a structure. without a sense
of space, humor, and letting go, the heart could become too syrupy,
sentimental, heavy or attached.'

he goes on to say you also need the earth part cause that brings you
compassion. that we get that from our struggles with form, limitation,
personality.....

i liked the idea that it's more than just opening the heart and letting
people in. it's also what you do with them when they're in there!
oh yeah. i gotta work on that!

and of course, the sense of humor....i love to laugh so i liked the idea
that that's something i actually need for my heart work.

good stuff.
wanted to share.....

a chronic illness conversation

someone expressed an interest today in talking about
chronic illness....and so my beautiful buddy, kristina,
started a thread on the subject over on the bone sigh arts forum.

if you're dealing with this kind of struggle and want a place
to talk about it, come on over!

those stinkin' struggles....

i read a post by a friend yesterday who got emotionally hit hard
and was feeling like she was falling off a cliff, and here she had
been feelin' like she was doin' good. and now she found herself
over the cliff's edge.

man.
man.
man.

don't we just know that feeling????

and i had just posted all around that i wanted to remind everyone
that the struggles brought us gold.

i kinda sat back and did the kick myself thing.
who are you, ter, to go around sayin' it's all worth it and remember
there's gold in them thar hills. who the heck are you?
just cause you came to some kinda good spot and could see the fruit
of your labor...maybe it's just cause you aren't down in a pit right now.

but um....
i had to stop myself mid kick, mid rant....
THAT'S the whole point! i wasn't down in a pit, (and i coulda been)
and i COULD see that the work had paid off, and i wasn't struggling
right then....

when else on earth are you gonna be able to shout about it, ter?
when you're back in another pit?? nooooo that's when my friend who
just fell off the cliff will be posting that she fell into the water,
swam to an underground cave and found treasures that she's now sitting
with on the beautiful sunny beach.

because that's what we need to do for each other. we cycle thru these
things and we learn and we grow and we cycle thru again.

we remind each other when we're in the good spot that we do come out
of that blackness. and we all do it, and we all have phases, and we
can all be these great big reminders for each other.

and the blackness? the pits? the cliff fallings? they suck.
they just totally suck.
well.....no.......not totally, huh???
cause so many times they're our vehicle.

and we DO travel to amazing places....even in the darkness.

let's keep reminding each other...
and please, shout it my way the next time i'm layin' at the bottom of
the pit....

mattering and not......

so i got a little hunk of bob time last nite.
and i was so delighted.
didn't think i would, so it was an extra treat.
and i took it like the treat that it was.
i was delighted and tickled.

it wasn't very long tho, so i figured i'd nutshell my thoughts that
i wanted to share.

so i tried to nutshell and ended with a bottom line sum up -

'so the bottom line is here i thought i was loving so well
when i figured out i'm not loving, i'm playing a game and not
really looking at what i don't want to see.'

i let out a big sigh, a roll of the eyes and some dramatic
arm swoop.

he just looked at me with that calm steady stare that makes
me crazy.

what??????????

'you realize this is what you do, right?'

what??????????????????

'when you see you're getting somewhere, then you figure out you
have a really long way to go and you're not getting to the somewhere
you thought you were getting to.'

hmmmmmmmmmm......
i had to sit quietly for a minute.

he helped with something like 'the more you know, the more you
find you don't know.'

something like that.

and i do this all the time?
oh yeah, he nodded.
all the time.

i laughed.

then i proceeded to ponder out loud.
'maybe if i get really confident in who i am and know that i matter,
than maybe i can look at all this stuff and handle it and offer
love easily.'

he did that calm steady stare again.
'maybe it's when you get really comfortable that you don't matter.' he said.

ohhhhh....so we talked of people doin' what they're doin' for their own
reasons, and how we have to be okay with that and realize the world doesn't
revolve around us.

then there was the ego talk.
what exactly is ego?? well if you mean it this way...maybe this....
and if you mean it this way....maybe that.......

and then a lot of confusion in my mind.
and then chit chat.

'you've been absolutely no help,' i told him with a big smile.
he assured me he had and i'd figure that out later.

'yeah, maybe,' i agreed.

and yeah..........he SO had.....
cause i keep thinking about that figuring out that you don't matter.
and how important that angle is.

that's one heck of an angle.
and one i totally want to check out....

belly up!

is it possible to wake up punchy?
ohmygosh.....from being woken from a dream about
buying josh and bob plastic orange pants cause i
got the last orange jump suit,
to stumbling thru the house feeling about as groggy
as you could feel and still be awake...
to washing my face, brushing my teeth, and then three
seconds later wondering if i washed my face or not...
and then washing it again...
to poking at my toe with a needle cause something was
in there somewhere but i couldn't find it...
to mumbling about what a male thing it was to say when
noah told me i didn't have anything in my toe...
and the laughing so hard that i snorted....
then feeling like i was gonna suffocate unless i got the
fan on NOW...
i had a feeling it was gonna be a weird morning.

as i headed out for my walk, i looked down on the road
and there was a frog who had died.

i'm seriously a compassionate person. i hate to see dead
creatures in the road, and i'm always very gentle about it.

but you know....punchy morning, right?

so i looked down at this frog, belly up, bloated, with one
arm reaching out to the sky and without missing a beat,
i said out loud to him 'i know just how you feel.'

so off i toddled and on the way back, i met my elderly neighbor.
she's been havin' a hard time lately. i was surprised to see her
as she hasn't been out in the mornings.

but there she was, and i stopped and chatted.

i pointed out i was having a punchy morning and i just started
laughing about all kindsa things as we chatted.

several times she looked at me with amusement kinda lookin'
at me like wondering if i had wine for breakfast.

and then i told her about the frog.

i prefaced it with the same preface i did here...that really,
normally, i'm quite a compassionate person....
and then i described the frog.

with a grin on my face and much drama and swooping of arms
and big eyes i described it. and then told her i was totally
relating. and i knew just how it felt.

and she laughed so hard it made me laugh.

i think she was relating a bit too.

comic relief they'd call it.

and so i told her when she was havin' a hard time today,
to think of the frog, and remind herself that she didn't
want to be like that frog.

as i walked away down her driveway, i heard her laughing and
i heard her calling after me 'don't be belly up today!'
and i heard her laughing and laughing.

hmmmm....think i passed my punchy off to her this morning.
not a bad thing.

i chuckled all the way home, and as i passed that poor
little froggy, i gave it a quiet little nod out of respect and
then a grin and thanked it for its symbolism today.

taking my seat...

i've mentioned here several times now how i really think we get
ourselves muddled up because we think people are hearing/seeing/caring
like we are. that a lot of times that works just fine. but there are
some very significant times where we're dealing with some truly,
deeply troubled people. and they're not workin' the same way at all.

that we get ourselves so completely frustrated because we think if we
just say it one more time, with different words maybe, or just show them
this way, or just try this....and it's lost on us that they can't/won't
see it no matter what. and the frustration level can get pretty high.

we just have such trouble accepting that these people work different.
cause it's an icky different. it's not a healthy different.

it's kinda like tryin' to take a course in an alien language.
i mean....alien....not just foreign.

i thought if i got that concept down, i'd be doin' good. i'd have the
language down...

and my gosh, i've had some pretty high level courses on banging your
head against the wall in frustration. i've noticed i have the part down
about how they can't hear you....my comprehension's not perfect,
but not bad either. i see that and understand that.

but last nite it started to really dawn on me that that is only one
part of the course. this might be like the conjugating verbs in that
alien language. there's a whole lot more than verbs, baby.

and what kinda hit was that if i really understood things like how
someone who operates in a way where they can't hear you or see you...
how it goes way beyond the conversations between you and them...
well, i'm not sure i woulda been up for the course.

because if you can't be seen or heard, you can't matter. or you can
only matter in a way that works for them. your role matters.

oh yeah, i had that down too....oh yeah, i'd nod, i understand that part too.

but if you don't really matter, you can easily be sacrificed for the
benefit of the person you don't matter to.

well, yeah, i thought i understood that too.

i've seen it, lived with it, thought i had that.

but i realized i see it thru my eyes. always tempered with my scale of
what is right and what is wrong. and i haven't wanted to see the scale
of the other...which is way different than my scale.

and it occurred to me that if i really truly saw how i could be thrown
under the bus with such ease, i wouldn't be able to handle it. if i
really saw the sacrifices of others that these people make to fill their own needs,
then i'd run in horror.

and why, i asked myself this morning.
if you say you know this stuff, why wouldn't you be able to handle it?

because somehow i still hang on to some kinda shred that i matter.
sorta. maybe.??? i don't know.
maybe that ANYBODY matters enough that you don't just go throwin' them
under the bus at your convenience. that there's a certain scale of decency.

mmmmmm........don't think everyone has that scale.

i think there's a lotta body throwers out there.....toss 'em here,
toss 'em there, toss them wherever as long as it helps the tosser.

and i realized that if i truly understood this, i would not have been
able to act with the love i've been trying to act with.

and THAT is what i want to start looking at.
not the body tossers. they are what they are.

but the love. that's the part that matters to me.

why i love, how i love...and how does one love truly deeply unhealthy
people in a real, honest and healthy way.

how does one see everything for what it is and still offer love?

yes, i know.....that's what love is, isn't it?
yeah, i know.....

and i thought i had some college level courses in all this before.
jeesh.
time to step into the love class and see if i'm even up to taking notes.
anyone got an extra pencil?

a smile explosion

oh my gosh.

i thought it was all the work i had done the last ten years.
i really did.
i mean, it is.
that's there too.

but that's what i was giving all the credit to.
to this great moment i had.
i gave the credit to the work and the thought and the
figuring out and all that stuff.

um.

helloooooo???

and then bob goes and says something about it's because i finally
believe i'm loveable and worth loving.
that i could speak my truth the way i did.

that i didn't need anything because i finally believe that.

oh wow.

oh wow.

OH. WOW.

why didn't i think of that????

he said that'd change everything if i really did start believing that.
which i have.

oh wow.

oh wow.

yes, i think i'm loveable....and yes, a little bit thick headed!!!

cause i didn't even think of that!!!!!!!!

ha~!

ha!

ha!

i didn't even think i'd ever get this far.
i didn't even think i'd ever feel loveable.

and now???
it never even occurred to me just how much that would affect my life.

like, um, terri.......in EVERY way!!!!!!!!

ha!
if this blog could hold my smile right now it would explode off the page.

bowin' to the process....

it took me a long time to fall asleep last nite.
a whole lot on my mind.
i think i had a lot of processing i had to do.

and this morning i'm feelin' a deep sense of okayness.

yeah.

okayness.

and believe it or not, the okayness feels profound.

for years now i've known that i wouldn't trade the dark
times in my life. i've known that those times gave me
some pretty amazing gifts. and i've known if it was
different, i wouldn't have gotten the same gifts.

i really have believed that.

i feel like i've got that same belief whirling around in me
right now...that it's been stirred up...only on a deeper level.

and what i want to put out here this morning is this thought...

the gifts i got thru my darkness didn't stop growing and happening
when the darkness got lighter. because the struggles are always there.
and some of the stuff left over from the really hard stuff for me
will always be there.

and i've been tired of that. i've wanted that to go away.
i've wanted me to be magically okay with it all and not struggle with
it anymore.

and yesterday i saw so clearly how those struggles that have been
with me all along, the things i feel like i just can't get to where
i want to get to inside of me, have toned me and shaped me and changed
me. in a way that i want to be toned and shaped.

it's as if i've been goin' to the gym for ten years and lifting weights.
not wanting to lift the weights, but they're put in my hands over and over
and i know i've got to do something with them and so i lift. and as i lift
i watch my form, i watch to make sure i do the lifting as healthy as i can.
and all the while i've been concentrating on the lifting, never looking
in the mirror at the muscles and tone that have been happening.

and it's as if i walked up to a mirror yesterday and smiled at the reflection.
and felt proud of the reflection.

i have never once embraced the struggle.
i have never once said with delight - hand me those weights, i want to tone.
let me see what i can shape myself into.

because i'm afraid of pain and hurt and sadness.

i've read plenty of times to hold these things, to embrace them in fact.

i've learned to hold them.
but never have learned to embrace them.

not sure i ever will...
but who knows?
cause today i'm filled with gratitude for those things.
i really am.
and i have never ever seen them like this before in my life.

they're okay.
all the pain and hurt and struggle and heartbreak is okay.
it's our weights. it tones us and shapes us.

right along with all the good stuff.
and what we do with that.

it's all okay.
and so am i.

i'm not only still standing.
i'm smiling in the mirror.
a real, honest smile.

and that is because of all i've been thru.

bowing to the process this morning and feeling gratitude and trust
flowin' thru me big time......

i found it...and i used it....

i didn't see it coming,
and certainly hadn't planned it.

and when i saw it land at my feet,
my first thought was 'ah, no. i don't want to deal with this today.'

and then....
i knew i could.
i knew i would.
and i knew it was time.

i looked at my calm.
wow, go figure, i marveled.
i'm up for this.
i'm not only up for this,
i'm ready for this to happen.

and then i did something i've been preparing for for years.
i spoke my truth with my whole heart.
i wasn't apologetic, nor was i cruel.

i was honest, straight talking, and real.
and i said everything i wanted to without hesitation.

for me.
because i wanted to say these things.
because it was time i spoke them out loud.
not because i wanted to change any results,
or anyone's thinking, or anything.

i just wanted to say my truth out loud.
claim it, and step out of the game.

now that this had landed at my feet,
i would finally do what i had been building up to for years.

i have never in my life put my truth out with such conviction
and calmness.

i realized later it was not only because i had been workin' on
this stuff for years. and i could so see how that helped me out
here....but also.....because i had nothing left to lose.
if i felt i had things to lose, i would have been nervous,
scared, shaky.

instead i was calm and confident.

i have always loved that line in that janis joplin song...
the bobby mcgee one......
'freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose.'

i felt that freedom today.

and another shift inside me took place.

i feel a profound sense of accomplishment tonite.
i truly have found my voice.

concentrating on the good stuff...

i definitely wanted to sleep in longer,
but it was one of those mornings when i woke up just enough
that i was still sleepy but very able to think.

and something that i do believe will be an undercurrent in my life
forever, was up at the surface and in my thoughts.

there it was floating around in my head as i tried to go back to sleep.

darn.
none of the thoughts felt good.

i was ready to just get up and stop thinking when i told myself
to grab the quiet moment and just feel what i was feeling.

sadness filled every nook and cranny.

i allowed that to come in and just let it be.
and then i started thinking again.

it's just the way it is, i told myself.

you can't change it. you're gonna have to live with this
forever, you're gonna have to learn how to truly hold this.

i got up to make my bed.
and i thought of something i had just mentioned to my girlfriends.

told them that i think we look at everything from a 'normal' perspective.
we deal with people assuming that they're 'normal.'
but there's a whole whole whole whole lotta people out there who are
really off kilter. and you can't expect a 'normal' reaction from them.
and yet we do. we continue to try to explain things thinking if we
explain one more time, they'll get it. or if we show them this here
and do this, they'll see.

but that only works if the person wants to hear and wants to see.
and we assume everyone does.

a perfect time to remind ourselves to never assume.

pulling the covers up on my bed, i reminded myself of this.
you can't expect normal things here, ter.
and when you do, and don't get it, you get really sad.

this may be in your life, ter. but it's not about you.
it may feel like it, but it's not yours.
the only thing that is yours is your reaction to it.

and then i thought of my favorite moment of the day yesterday.
yes, there was a moment that stood out and i knew it was my
favorite.

it was when he turned his head towards me, looked me in the
eye and said with such a smile on his face 'life sure can be
good, can't it?'

it was a powerful moment for me.
i knew he totally meant it and i totally agreed right back to him.

and i knew we had both been thru some of life's really stinky
parts together, and we'd shared some of life's really not good
moments. and we've shared some of life's best parts together and
some of life's really amazing moments.

and there he was, reveling in this wonderful moment and not anywhere
near any of the stinky ones. they didn't weigh in at all.

and i could feel every bit of that in his words and i could see
every bit of that in his eyes. and it felt so good.

i'm guessin' it's where you put your thoughts.
and where you put your energy.

this sadness isn't gonna just go away.
and i may very well need a good cry about it.
but you know what else??? this really good stuff isn't just
gonna go away. and i've got way way way more of the really good
stuff in my life.

today i'd really really like to live in the good stuff.

toasting the humble!

i like humble people.
i just do.

i walked and thought about it today.
i started thinking about someone i know who is less than humble.

while she's correct in a lot of her assessments of herself,
i would really rather be the one to figure it out on my own
about her than have her tell me.

and believe me, i'd figure it out, i'd see it and i'd
appreciate it.

i don't need to have it pointed out. i readily see the
good things in people.

and then i thought about the people i know who are truly humble.
people who are wicked good at stuff and never ever ever say
they are.

it's not that they have a problem saying they are.
it's not that they don't believe in themselves.
it's not some kinda self value issue.

it's that they don't need to say it, they're confident in their
abilities and that's enough. and they also know that there's a
whole lot more they can learn.

i don't care how good you are, i think that's true. there's
always more to learn.

my hero, stevie ray vaughan, was way humble. always talking
about the guys he learned from.

something i've figured out....when you're thinking a person is
really good at what they do and you ask them about it and they
tell you they have a lot more to learn - you can be pretty sure
they're even better than you thought.

the people who are truly humble seem to be busy living and doing
their thing...not trying to convince people or show the world their
talents.

they don't have to prove themselves. they don't have to talk about it.
they just are.

and maybe that's the most appealing thing to me.
they're too busy living to be talkin' about their stuff.
and they seem to know that there's a whole lot that makes a person a person.
and they seem to know that there's more to it all then the thing they're
gifted in. and that it all matters.

i had never thought about it much before.
just that i liked humble people.
but it's a whole attitude towards life, isn't it?
no wonder i like it.

and i just realized...the not so humble - well, i tend to wander away
from them. and the humble - i like to head closer to.

and as i type this, i realize i fell in love with one of those humble kinda guys.
and yeah, now that i think of it, that's one of my favorite things
about him.

toasting the humble this morning and appreciating all the quiet
magnificents i know out there! i know a lot of 'em! how cool is that?!

degrees

what a difference a few degrees make!
okay, maybe it's ten degrees!
i have no idea, but it's way way cooler!

i woke up and thought 'ohhhhhhh it's DELICIOUSLY cool this morning!'

it's times like that i really feel for people who never open
their windows....you miss the changes in weather like that,
and there's nothing like waking up to a relief in the weather.

i almost danced down the street, it felt so good.

she was out sweeping her car porch.
i practically ran up to her, we hugged and rejoiced in
the weather! her face was lit up and she was thrilled
with the coolness.

'i got a chair for you!' she said as she pointed to the
chair near the bench she sits on.

i laughed, told her that i'd take a quick walk and be right
back...

'i'll time you!' she hollered after me.

when i landed back we just couldn't stop gushing about the weather.

it was really funny.

and so amazing how much it affects your mood.

i looked at her seriously and told her next time she was feeling
down, to notice the weather. if it was really hot, just remember
it would get cool again!

as i sit here with the breeze comin' in my window, i marvel
at how much weather matters to me.

i feel like i got handed a gift this morning......
and i'm loving it!

a vaugue, unfinished ramble...

i so don't have this one figured out yet....
but it feels like a big something....

i walked and thought about my visit with an old
friend yesterday. we were young moms together.

she told me something she learned from me about
being a mom. it amazed me.

and i thought of how i was back then and didn't even
know it. i thought of some of the stuff that i naturally
knew but didn't consciously know i was doin'.

and somehow that led my thoughts to my mantra 'everything i need
is inside of me.'

usually i go there in desperation.
usually i go there when i'm looking outside of myself for
things and getting sorely disappointed.
then i remember to go back and look within.
which is a good thing.
yet a lot of times - not always - but a lot of times there's
an element of going in and retreating and protecting myself.

that part's not so good.
cause that's not what it's about.
it's not about protecting.
it's about looking where you need to look.

and then somehow i saw the mantra in a whole different light.
it's like i could almost take it to another level in my thoughts.
but not quite...
it's like i could almost grasp this whole new concept.

and just as it was forming, i hit my elderly neighbor's house
and she had a chair waiting for me....

so i haven't gotten it yet...but it's something along the lines
of this...

the past...all the stuff in the past...the good, the bad, the ugly,
the beautiful...it's a million threads that you carry into the present
with you. and those threads have lessons and insights and teachings.
and those things mix with the natural wisdom you already have. and
if you can take all that, and look...really look....you not only
survive and get by....you go way beyond that...
and it's more than everything you need is inside you....
it's more than a place to go in desperation, it's more than
something to do so you don't look outside yourself where there aren't
answers....it's more than that......

i think i've always turned to that when i've had trouble standing up.
when i didn't think i'd make it thru.
it's always been something that keeps me going...

but oh my goodness........it's more than that.

but that's all i got.
just a tiny glimpse this morning.....
that's it.

but i tell ya what...i don't have words for it, i just touched
a feeling.
and it's enough for me to take this inner exploration on in a whole
new light....

packing slips

i'm a pretty gentle person.
and yeah, it hasn't been that long that i've known that.
but i see it now.
and yeah, i see i'm pretty darn gentle.

i raised my kids with no tv, very few movies,
and squirt animals instead of squirt guns.

i hate to watch movies where people are mean to each other,
and the killing stuff i just don't want to watch.

i'm a vegetarian.
and well, you get the idea.

so yesterday i had my guy on my mind.
loving him for all he is.

gentleness is not his default position.
he's pretty much the opposite of me. hunting is something
he enjoys. i really think if there were past lives,
he was a warrior of some kind.

packing up an order yesterday, i grabbed a box i had sitting
around. taping it all up, i saw an old packing slip still stuck
to the top.

hmmmm...guess i'd better get that out as this is being shipped
to one of my shops i work with.

so i opened up the little holder and pulled out the packing slip.

unfolding it, i read it, and then just sat down and laughed.

listed on the sheet was a metal gun holder, a gun storage case,
and then all kindsa gun stuff.

it was bob's box.

i sat there holding that packing slip thinking about him.

and loving all of him.

how weird it is we found each other.
how totally weird it is we love each other.

and how totally good for me this whole thing is.....

way blessed...

i can't always blame hormones.
i think i'm just a flakey mess sometimes.
fighting the urge to weep as i walked, i realized
that it's got to be more than hormones.
i'm just wacked.

waking up from a dream, i was so darn groggy.
the dream hit some stuff i didn't want to hit,
so i tried to ignore it.

the groggy fog wouldn't lift, so as i walked, i figured
maybe i ought to look at the dream.

it was about a little boy i knew way back when.
i called him 'spence.'

he was one of the 'handicapped' kids i worked with.

a tiny little ball of a mixture of a baby and a kid who
couldn't move. but my gosh, he could smile. i used to
feed him and just love him a bit.

he had one of the most beautiful smiles in the world.
combined with his little odd body, it really stood out.

i dreamed of him as i knew him. in the dream i wanted to
take him home with me. but i knew he'd grow up and i
wasn't sure if i'd know how to take care of him.

as i walked i thought about the thirty-plus years
it's been since i've seen him.

he's not some cute little ball of a kid anymore.

and i thought of all those kids i used to hang out with.
they aren't kids anymore.

and this whole lifetime ago kinda rolled it's way thru me.
people i hadn't thought about in forever were there in my mind,
clear as day.

i thought about how i bumbled on in there and stayed. how i either
worked there or visited there for years.

when i realized that THEY had moved and it wasn't that i had stopped
going, i felt a huge sense of relief.

i had been feeling bad that i just stopped going.
but then realized that if they were all still in that same facility,
i'm pretty darn sure that i'd still be popping up there here and there.

but they closed that place down. and the kids got shipped to another
place...and my life changed...and our ways parted.

and they're probably still in that facility they moved to thirty years ago.

they're still there.
in their wheelchairs or beds that they can't get out of.

i got so full of this as i walked, i wanted to just weep.
the tears just came to my eyes.

and i thought of my own life.
and i got filled with indignation at myself.
how dare i be ungrateful.

i thought of my worst moments in my life...
my worst moments were STILL really good moments.

if i was falling apart and needed to go cry, i could walk to
the woods and cry. i could get in my car and drive away.
i could choose if i wanted to get out of bed or not.

even my worst times were filled with so many many gifts that
i just never even looked at.

the ol' 'there but for the grace of god go i' filled me.

i just wanted to weep for it all.

at this point i had come back by my elderly neighbor's
and stopped to say hello.

i didn't tell her any of this, and we were just chatting.
she sat there with that beautiful wrinkled face and those
eyes that get clearer and clearer and she told me how sorry
she felt for those who struggled. she felt sorry for the elderly
who were worried about their checks. she felt sorry for those
who had real problems they were falling apart over.

i looked at her and thought how amazing she is.

she knows what she's got and she's appreciating it.

and she had no clue how perfectly timed it was.

i have more in my worst moments that so many many many people.
and that's no little thing to ignore.

on my mind...

i've been engaged a month now.
and i'm still completely moved by this whole deal.

i was going to say giddy...but giddy's just the top stuff.
the deep stuff is so big and so deep and so amazing.

i was thinking about it today.
about what happened.

and why it's affected me so much.

it's funny.
it's not the marriage stuff.
that's not the thrill.
i mean, that'll be cool.
it really will be.
but that's down the road and i don't know,
hasn't caught my attention yet.

it's what happened when he asked...
the work we were doing...the fact that we're a work
in progress and said that's where we want to be.
workin' on us.

there's something really deep about the whole story.
it's close to my heart.
i think it's an awesome story that i may some day have to
put out there as there's so much to it. but i don't know.
maybe not.

but the gist of it is that this man who works so incredibly differently
than i do, this man, who doesn't understand the way i work, not only
accepts it, but went to a place with it that i don't think any other
person would have. he knows what matters to me, and he's offered a safe
place for that in a way that is so genuine and real and loving.

i have never ever experienced that in my life. total acceptance.
totally being loved.

i keep thinking about it.

so yeah, i'm pretty darn lucky.
beyond lucky.

the thing i'm thinking about right now is do i offer it back?

yeah, i'm thinking at least 'good enough' cause he's here.
but what about for real?

what about in the way he gave it to me?

ya know what?
i really don't think i do.

i really don't.

i mean, i do okay.
but 'okay' isn't gonna last a life time.

how long does it take before 'okay' turns into 'sometimes'
or 'when he does this, but not when he does that.'??

what's it take to love all of someone all the time?

yeah, i know.
it doesn't mean we have to like certain things.
i understand that.

but do we get caught up in the not liking of certain things and
let that take over? and forget about loving who the person is?

i admit it, i'm gun-shy about marriage. i've done the forgetting
of who the person was, or maybe i came to know and didn't like what
i knew...
how sad is that?

how long does the love really last? how long before the other person
just drives you nuts?

it all starts out so beautiful....

i feel good about us tho.
talk about doin' the work. we keep at it.

but i tell ya,the only way i'm doin' this marriage stuff again
is by loving him for real. all of him.

and to return the favor of allowing the things i don't understand and
offering a safe place for all of that.

i think i've got some practicing to do.
and i can't think of a better thing to work on....

the newsletter

we sent out our newsletter yesterday.
and as it was still sending them, my stomach reacted,
and i wanted to throw up.

yep.

mainly because we announced our new audio we're now offering.
it's a new project the guys and i have been working on.
it's me chattin' and readin' bone sighs.

yeah.

i wanted to throw up.

ya see, just cause i put all this stuff out here, doesn't
mean it's easy.

and then i announced my engagement too and told how it affected
me so deeply.

yeah.

no wonder i wanted to throw up.
i just put all that right on out there for the world to see.

but um....that's what my job is...so i keep tryin' to do that...
and yeah...sometimes it's really scary.

the guys were laughing at me.
zakk went to get me an emergency cup of dunkin' donuts coffee.
it was the last thing i wanted.
i really wanted to throw up.

but you see, the guys like to hype me up on caffeine.
they tell me i'm much more fun.
they figured this was a good opportunity to get me wired
and watch the show.
they've figured out the dunkin' donuts coffee does it really well.

and it did.

of all the newsletters to not get, that's the one that didn't make it
thru to bob. i wanted him to see the engagement part.
and then i heard other people weren't getting it.

ahhhhh....there's a nice cosmic joke!
feel like throwin' up the first time you send it?
well, just keep reposting it til you get used to the idea!

if anyone stopping by here wants to see and hasn't gotten it....
here's a link to it!

a good start to the day...

i keep a stash of wonderful quotes, and thoughts and writings
under my desk calendar here in my studio.

so on days when i'm searching and need something to hold on to,
i go dig in and find the right one.

so many just hit wonderfully, but it's this one i wanted to share
this morning -

'get out into the sunlight, out where everything is, with a
vibration that is so dominant that those who annoy you, those
who don't agree with you, those who make your life feel uncomfortable
don't come into your experience, because your vibration, through
your practice, has become so clear, so pure, so clean, so in keeping
with what you want, that the world that revolves around you
just feels like that.'

-abraham

divin' back in...

so i decided it's time for some inner work.
hmmm....well, it's always time for inner work.
but i decided it's time to look within with maybe a little more focus.

i struggle a lot with something that i just can't seem to fix.
it is what it is and no matter how many times i tell myself that,
i struggle anyway.

i may push it down over here and cover it up, but then it pops up
over there. isn't that wack-a-mole or something like that???

i have tried everything i can think of, and i just haven't found
lasting peace with it. i'll get it for a week or two....if i'm lucky,
three. but then...it hits again.

and then sometimes i'll freak out cause the way i found peace was
pretending it was all okay. once i figure out i've done that, i freak
out and get scared i'm living a life of denial again.

i'm laughing just typing all this.

this is just plain crazy.

so this morning as i walked, i decided it's time to look within again.

'everything i need is inside me.'
that's my official mantra that's been with me for ten years now.
do i believe it?
yeah.......
do i keep looking outside myself for what i need?
yeah.......

does that make sense?
no...........
does it just figure??
yes............

when i first started out, i said that mantra a gazillion times,
and i looked outside myself a gazillion times. but gradually
i really did learn how to stop doing that so much.
but, i think my default position is looking outside of myself.
cause when i coast and don't focus, that's what i do.

i certainly do wonder why my default position is filled with
things i'm always trying not to do. and it's such work to keep
the things i want in my behavior.

oh well.
it seems to be that way.

and i'm seein' again that it's time to focus.

everything i need is inside me.

headin' in for a dive down inside me......
time to do a little more inner exploration.

laughter...

it's one of those moments i'll never forget.
and yet, i can't for the life of me remember what it was he said.
which is probably just as well.

my dad was dying.
i was distraught and overwhelmed.

i was alone with bob, talking about it all.
sharing it.

and bob did something i don't think anyone else in the world
would do.

he cracked a completely irreverent joke that shocked me,
made my eyes go wide and my jaw drop...

and then i burst out laughing.

i don't think anyone else could have pulled that off.
but i remember laughing so hard and how good it felt.

he just has a way of doin' that sometimes.

his sense of humor can just catch me by surprise.

yesterday was a good day.
no distraught emotions.
nothing like my dad dying.

but there was some life stress inside of me.
money stuff.

i don't talk about it much anymore because seriously,
how much can you talk about it???

i had told him that earlier, and we just briefly touched
on it. but it brought some stuff up for me.

i pushed it down and we kept goin' with our day.

we were driving around looking at houses. trying to get some
ideas for a small, modest house we'd like to build.

and then there we were, driving around in some completely
over the top crazy rich subdivision looking at the houses.

it started out good enough.
while the houses were way way in your face gaudy/i've got money but no
taste/look at me....we were concentrating on the pretty grounds and the
trees and such.

and then we started to notice some empty houses.
which led to talk of foreclosures and people walkin' away from
their debts, and it started spiraling down for me.

the economy, the way society works, materialism, my own money stuff,
it all started whirling inside of me. i could feel this sadness
kinda comin' over me.

and then as if on cue, he did it.

he did one of his famous shocker lines.
he was turnin' the car around, something completely outlandish
and over the top crazy caught his eye and he did one of his lines.

the great thing about these is they catch me off guard.
they never happen when i'm in a laughing mood.
and the laughter just bursts outta me.

i started laughing and i couldn't stop.
i laughed cause what he said was funny.
i laughed cause he understood all the things i was feeling.
i laughed cause there we were in his silly little car driving
around looking at these things.
i laughed because i was so grateful for his sense of humor.
i laughed cause i loved him.

and i couldn't stop laughing.

it was THE moment of my day.

laughter.
real laughter.
it's priceless.

and when it's shared like that, with the knowledge you have
of each other being totally entangled in the jokes, i just don't
think there's anything better than that.

i've gone back to the car there in my mind several times now.
and each time i laugh out loud just thinking of it.

life.
sometimes the best thing to do is laugh.

a seeing reminder...

there's a lotta people in my world...
hence, a lotta stories...

i listen, i watch, i think...and i wonder.

relationships.
all kinds.
not just the romantic - or once-romantic ones,
but friendships, family, parental, work...
all of 'em.'
they're on my mind.
they're the theme of the week.

sometimes they seem to carry a theme within a theme.
i wonder about that.

like this week -
almost all of the stories carried the theme of
'seeing.'

seeing the other.

now, is that because they really do carry that theme,
or am i just thinking of that theme and seeing it
everywhere? or do i just NEED to see it somehow for me.

i don't know.

it feels like they carry it and i notice.
but i gotta wonder.

whichever the case - 'seeing' is screaming out to me.

but this is how thick headed i am.

i watch story after story and think how totally sad
it is that people don't see each other.

men seem particularly thick at this, i think.

not trying to male bash. but i've seen so many women try
to tell their guys things aren't right and the guys thickly
carry on with the same deals.

i've seen more than one thick male story this week, so i'm
thinking about how thick people are, particularly males.

when bam!
as if the cosmic male of the universe bopped me on the head,
it occurs to me how much i'm not seeing someone right now.

oopps.
okay. it's not just males.
it's not just others.
it's not just them.

it's me too.

sigh.

and i think about it.

i do NOT understand how we are so poor at seeing.
why we stop, or shut down, or cover one eye and squint,
or just don't even care anymore.

it's THE thing that makes any relationship good.

and yet we just coast with it soooooo much.

man it sucks.

i think the hardest time for me is when i don't feel seen.
it's really really really hard for me to see back.

and yet, i'd be the first to tell ya i think that's really love.

and i'd be the first to tell you, i don't do so great with it.
but over and over i remind myself to try again.

cause without it, you got nothing.
and sooner or later, see it or not, that nothing will
knock you to the floor.

refocusing over here once again...

the never ending loops.....

i was partly grasping a certain thought not too long ago.

one i don't know how to articulate....

and it's whirling back inside me today.
and intriguing me.

look around at some of the problems around you.
i'm thinking a whole lot of the people ones make sense.

example....

let's say you got someone who's really really lazy.

okay.
that's their trait.
that's their deal.

but you get frustrated cause they're not doing something that
you think would change everything and make their life good.

hello?
why the heck are you frustrated?
they're not going to change their life for the better because
you think they should. they're going to act in their lazy fashion
cause that's what they do.

that's the problem.
that's their deal.
that's the 'loop.'

now, they may change, but that's deep within them.
and that's their deal.

and yet, you get frustrated, because they're in your life and
they're lazy and they have a cruddy life and they don't have to
and you can't figure out why they don't just change it and you
want to pull your hair out.

what is wrong with you???

have you not accepted the initial deal?
they're lazy.

so their choices will be lazy choices so their life will be
made up of lazy choices.

that's the deal.

and yet, you bang your head against the wall wanting them to
not be lazy.

maybe you should be looking at why you want this for them,
and not so much about why they're lazy.
that's their deal.

your deal seems to be your inability to accept their laziness.

why?

okay.
that's the best example i could come up with.
but i was talking to the guys about this. they told me that
it sounded like 'recursion.'

i didn't know what that was, and asked.
they tried to explain, but it's confusing to type.
it's like an infinite loop kinda.
and then i just looked it up.
got a cute thing that said 'in order to understand recursion
you must first understand recursion.'

i think that's it.

i think a lot of times problems are recursion-like.
just infinite loops caused by what's causing them.

yeah, i know.
i'm making no sense.

today i got frustrated by something that seems never ending to me.
an infinite loop.

and then i stopped myself.

i watch the same stuff repeated over and over again.
and want it to stop so the problem will stop.
i want the whole deal to just end.

but the problem won't stop because that's what the problem is.
this is what they do.

if they could end it, then they wouldn't have the problem.
if they could end it and change their patterns, then we wouldn't
have the problem.

the problem is the problem.

i wonder if ANY of this is making sense???

prolly not.

but the bottom line is when i realize this...when i see the
recursion and ask myself why i'm looking for a different answer,
then i can change my focus to where it really will do me some good.

so i did that.

why ter?
why do you get crazed about this?

because i'm just not accepting it for what it is.

if i was, then i'd just know that's the way it rolls.

and yes, it affects my life...and yes, i wish it was different.
but that's the way it rolls and i've chosen to have it part of my life.

so.
stop trying to change something you can't change.

that's my loop.
over and over and over again.

what i need to do is let the loop do its thing and go do mine.

yes, easier said than done.
but possible when you finally get out of your own loop and see
what you're doing.

when i started thinking about this, i looked at the more frustrating
things in my life. and they were all like this.

interesting.

what loops are you caught in that aren't going to change and yet
you still bang your head against the wall wanting to change them?

you can only change you and your own loop.
that's it.

thing is........i'll step into other loops and not even know it.
my excitement this morning is the idea that i think i can begin
to recognize the frustration and know that as a sign that i'm
in a loop.

once i know, i can step out.

it's the not knowing that's always slowed me down.....
but now i think i know the red flag!
it's this certain frustration i feel.
if i know that when this feeling comes up....
i can see the flag and step out of the loop!

how cool!

life lessons from a hot, buggy morning.......

so yesterday was completely hormonal.
ohmygosh up down up down up down all around.

i think it woulda been fairly even keeled if there wasn't
another soul i was dealing with yesterday.
but then again, maybe not....because if there wasn't another
soul around i'd prolly be down about that!

it was bound to be one of those days, i guess.

i'm hoping for much more even keeled today.

it started out frustrating.
and that's just not good.

so i walked.
wasn't going to.
but thought i'd walk the frustration out.
and do my daily visit with my neighbor.

i noticed i had to make myself tune in.
not my norm.
i'm usually tuned right in naturally.

but i did tune in and visited. and then headed
for my walk.

as i walked i thought of some of the things
buggin' me.

and i kid you not 'buggin' me' was the phrase in my head.

when what should happen?

hands down at my sides, slightly swinging as i walked,
a bug flew right into one, buzzed around all along my fingers
and palm and then flew out.

never had a bug do that before.
ever.

i coudln't believe the timing.
or the symbolism.

ter!!!!!!
that's what you gotta do with what's buggin' you.

let it zip thru your hands and out.

i am not kidding.
this is what went thru my head.

i paid attention to my hand. it could still feel where the
bug had hit, and some of the buzzy places. but i knew in
a few moments, there would be no trace/memory/feeling of it.

oh man.

i thought of the things buggin' me.
i didn't want or need any of them.
i could let all of them go and not miss any of it.

and yet i wrap my hands around the bug and hold on.
ewwwwwww.........now there's a visual.

obviously, not what you want to do!

it's a hot morning.

i walked in my jeans.
i was hot.

whew, it's pretty warm already, i thought.
felt how hot my legs were.

then a breeze blew across my face. felt really good.

ohmygosh....is the morning talkin' to me or what today???

i thought about my life.
right now there's enough goin' on around me that doesn't
feel all that great. feels like hot legs in hot jeans.
just uncomfortable.

and yet.......there's so much in my life that's the cool breeze.

i walked under the shade.

ahhhhhhh this feels so good.....and this shade......my life has
so much of this right now. good, comfortable, pleasant stuff.

but what am i doin'???
i'm hangin' in the heat with the bugs and holdin' on to the bugs
and concentratin' on the uncomfortable heat.

i walk down the street marvelin' at how the morning was teaching me.

and then i grinned.

some would say it's just a hot, buggy morning, ter.......

yeah, i thought.........and some would say it's just a hot, buggy life.

would they be right?

not by a long shot.

so go find your shade and rest in it, ter...
and let the bugs go fly somewhere else.
cause i'm not holding them today.

trust 101

she's taken to waiting for me in the mornings.
and i finally realize i have to readjust my schedule,
as i know this matters. a lot.

and yet that scares me.

not the rearranging the schedule...
altho, that's a little tough that early in the morning...
but i'll figure it out.

but the fact that it matters a lot.
that part scares me.

she sits on her bench.
i lean against her car, standing/slouching in front of her.
it's hard for her to turn her neck and talk. or to look up.

so i kinda lean and slouch.

there's a clean spot on her car where i lean.
the pollen's been rubbed off.
i look at it, grin, and slide into it.

this morning i was greeted with 'you're late!'
which i was.
and she laughed and told me she was late too and came
out and looked around a bit for me, sure she had missed me.

i now understand that if i miss her on my walks,
i need to check in later in the day.
this is new.
i haven't done daily check ins before.
and i think it's time.

i get it's not 'me.'
i get that.
i get it's company she can count on.
someone in her day.
something to look forward to.
a break in the aloneness.

as i walked away this morning, waving and joking as i headed
down her driveway, i was feeling uncomfortable.

i walked fast.
looked down at the road.
thinking hard.

her eyes.
when she looks at me.
she looks like a little girl.
she trusts me so much.
she's getting more and more vulnerable.

i walked fast.
why does that scare me?

cause she counts on me, i thought.

i can't take it away from her, i answered.
feeling pained.

she's not looking at you for that, i answered the answer.

i think of those eyes.
somehow they're getting more child like.
and i think of what's ahead for her.
and i'm scared for her.

the loneliness.
the suffering.

and i can't take it away from her.

yesterday i noticed the alzheimer's more than i ever have before.
it rattled me and stayed with me all day.

i walked faster, stared at the ground harder.

i marvel at how guy-like i am sometimes when i get so filled with
wanting to fix things for people and so frustrated i can't.

i'm stepping into a new part of the journey, i said to my panic.

and while you're doing this for her, it won't be for her.
you're gonna learn some more about love.

cause i hate the fact that i can't take her struggle and her pain
away from her. and i don't want to sit and watch it get worse.

i'd like to slip away and let someone else do the daily visits.

i really would.
and yet, inside my heart, i know i just committed to them.

i don't know how to love people and just watch their pain.

i suck at that.

i want to change it, take it away, fix it.

why?
why the big push inside me?

do i not trust the process?
do i not trust in others' resources?

do i not trust.

hmmmmm....guess not as much as i'd like to think.

looks like it's time for a course in trust.
and i do believe my heart signed up this morning......
i could tell by the panic i felt.

a hurricane of hormones

well, i do believe my hormones have run amok.
(my gosh, 'amok' is one of the coolest words, isn't it??)
and it just fits perfect.

last nite in the heat of the nite, i woke up sweaty and freezing.

i mean FREEZING.

woe. weird.
i snuggled under my covers as best i could. covering my head
for extra warmth.

only to wake up a bit later soooooo hot.
and yes, sweaty.

perhaps that caught my eye and i noticed my body in a new way
this morning.

who could tell.

i got on the treadmill thinking about how cool it was that
i was runnin' around in this body.

it almost felt like living in a puppet.

i got intrigued with the whole thing. instead of pulling a string
to move your arm, you just think it. this occupied me for some time.

it felt like seeing this for the first time. it had my total attention
and was just fascinating me.

i couldn't get over how i was dwelling in this body and didn't
take better care of it.

it was so obvious to me that this is my 'vehicle' and i needed
to keep it tuned up.

in my room exercising, i worked on being aware and taking care of my
body...which somehow led into this cosmic thinking about being love
and raising my energy. i don't know how it led there, but it did.

and i got swept up in that thinking.
really being a kind and loving person.
radiating light.

oh yeah.

yeah, well, not more than 20 minutes later i was crying about someone
who makes me crazy and as i walked i found myself wanting to kick
a boulder into his face.

i wanted to break his face.

at the very least his nose.

i seriously do not like this person.

so much for being love.

and when i caught this unevenness in thinking, and reminded
myself about the cosmic 'being love' thoughts - little terri
came out in full force, hands on hips, stamping feet saying
"*i* didn't do anything. *i'm* not the one who was a creep."

and the boulder in the face idea just still felt really good.

at this point it was clear to me that my inner self was running
amok. and i laughed.

how cool is this?

this has GOT to be hormones.
can i be love thru a wave of hurricane hormones?

nah, prolly not.

i prolly can't.

i can be passionate, i thought.

i passionately dislike this person, i thought.

and i laughed some more.

and i passionately love my life, i thought.
trying to bring myself back to a little positive.

i laughed.
i think it's gonna be an interesting day...

overwhelmed

i got real discouraged about love when i left my marriage
ten years ago...
real, real discouraged.

and then i saw a case where love should have saved a little girl.
and it couldn't.

and a time where i thought love could help two boys.
and it didn't.

and i've been watching what people call love, and not believing
that's what i'd call it. thinking a whole lotta people have no
clue what it really is.

knowing i had to learn everything from the ground up. that
i hadn't been taught or learned anything healthy. that i had
no clue either.

so i've been pretty scrambled about the topic.
and have felt a lot of discouragement related to it all.
many beliefs about it had crumbled.

and then i found love, ya know?
and you'd think that'd be enough to convince me of it.
but it wasn't.
cause it was hard and i wasn't sure about it and still
just not convinced in the power of it.

the years that my guy and i have been together set up
the moment for us. all the work, the struggle, the growing
of trust - it set up the moment.

and how he proposed, what was going on with me and what he said,
- that moment -
i honestly believe changed me forever.

cause something deep and heavy inside of me got lifted out.
and i'm not carrying it anymore.

the first week, i was floating so high off the ground, i didn't
think i'd ever land.

and then, i did.
cause life landed on top of me.

and i remembered that just cause something changed inside of me,
doesn't mean that life changed. and i struggled with a few things
again. including something between that guy and me.

but it was different this time. and i could feel the difference.
the doubts weren't there like they were before. it was way better.
even the hard stuff was better.

and then...the last few days i found myself sad about stuff that
hits really deep.

the stuff that's gonna test what's goin' on inside of me.
if anything was gonna challenge my theory that something deep
had changed, this would be it. cause this was the stuff that
fed the big heavy thing that had been removed.
this was its food.

and sure enough....it's different now.

my gosh.

it really is different now.

it's sad. and it can make me feel sorrow.
but the feeling that i'm not loveable is gone.
the belief that no one can love me is gone.

it's gone.

i have been carrying that with me for as long as i can remember.
and it's gone.
it's gone.

i've been thinking of that a lot the last couple of days.

and then i saw the quote of the day today:

“ "damaged goods" was the title she had given herself,
"never loving wholly," her verdict.
she'd been wrong.
her heart was totally open tonite,
her love as free as a child's. ”

i remember writing that.
i would feel such love sometimes, but it would fade.
the self doubts would come back in.

but as i read that this morning, i knew....i just knew
that i had grown into it for real.
i am NOT damaged goods.
i CAN love wholly.

and i've been taught that thru the love of one very very
patient, kind and strong man.

love taught me that.

love has changed some really really rough stuff inside of me.
love has shifted boulders inside of me.

love has done that.

and this morning i am overwhelmed with the power of love.
and i haven't really really held that ever.
ever.
i used to hold some fake belief.
that it could change everything and heal everything.

and then i got that belief knocked outta me big time.
and i could only see so much of the power of love.
only so much.

even tho, i knew somehow love's related to god.
i still couldn't grasp the power.

this morning as i sit here and think about something i felt would
never ever change inside of me, and how it did with one man's love...
i am completely awed at the power of it all.

and i am completely humbled that this has happened to me.
i have honestly touched love.
and its changed me.

i don't think there's anything cooler than that.
and i'm just kinda overwhelmed with it this morning.

a bone sigh

to take the sadness that haunted her
and give it a job -
to grow her heart,
to teach her to truly love -
both others and herself -
that was her task at hand.
they would never know.
but she would.
and that's why she'd do it.

themey

thought this was sort of themey....
it's about paul revere....
and well.......that kinda fits in a bit with the fourth....

it's by shel silverstein, one of my favorite wackos!

forgetful paul revere

was it two if by land
and one if by sea?
or one if by land
and none if by sea?
or none if by land...
or was it three?
my memory's not
what it used to be,
and it's getting foggy
i hardly can see,
and this hard, cold saddle
is killin' me-
oh, what a ride
this is gonna be.


grinnin'....and feelin' grateful for all
that these guys did for us...including shel.

a sparkler in the dark...

so it's the fourth....

and i can't recall ever not being so into it as i am this year.

i'm holding on to the fact that we have a ton to be grateful
for living where we do.

that isn't lost on me for a moment, and i know better than
to take that lightly.

so that's what i'm holding on to today. gratitude for freedom
and for living in a house with food in my fridge with sons
who are healthy.

as a country, tho, i'm just not very proud of us.
i'm just not.

i really wonder about the guys who set it all up so long ago.
what if we had them here now? how would they feel?

even the fireworks is kinda gettin' to me...
there's two places we pick from to go to.
and both places have gotten kinda rough.

i have no desire to be at either place.
sure, we can travel further and try a different place,
and we might.

don't know.
just not feelin' it.

i truly believe that the possibilities are limitless when
you get dedicated, creative, thinking, original, bright
people working together.

i truly believe in that.
and sometimes i sit and wonder what it would be like if
we actually had that kinda group running our country.

and right now i'm just wonderin' if greed, ego, and ignorance
have just kinda grabbed the reins for a bit.

i'm not impressed with what we've done with this amazing system
of ours. and i'm not proud.

still, i guess one should celebrate it's birth, and it's existence.
and it's possibilities.

and i guess that's what i'll do today.
maybe i'll light a sparkler for hope.
because i know there's some amazing people out there.
and i know we are capable of great things.

i think we've just forgotten...or gotten a little lost...
and maybe some sparklers of hope are just what we need.

at least...i think they're just what i need....