home

day out with the boys today.
just a day to hang out and be and dream a little bit.
tryin' to figure out some stuff for our future.
from business brainstorming to where to live...
we covered it all.

a lotta laughing, dope slapping, and eating mixed
thru.

when we pulled back up to our little house, it couldn't
have looked better to me.

all that yard work and all those house projects....all those
things i see every day and tell myself i have to attend
to.....all that was still there......but i didn't see
any of it.

my house looked perfect to me.
just perfect.

home is definitely where the heart is.

i choose comfortable

okay.
so no one believes i'm shy.
but ohhhhh i sooooo am.

goin' to a wedding today.
really lookin' forward to gettin' dressed up
and goin' out with my guy. smilin' about that.
but then it hit me....
i'm not going to know ANYONE at this thing!
not one person.
not even the bride or groom.
great.
great.

and my shyness has kicked in.
i know it's prepare now or i'm gonna get so
quiet i'll disappear.

so how can i make this interesting and not so
hard??

i'm thinking it would be so cool to feel really
centered inside. really comfortable.
just totally at ease with whoever i'm standing
near.

yeah, that'd be great.
BUT HOW???

i always think of what a friend told me about
art gigs...just fake it til you make it.
just pretend you're an artist.

if i got in the right frame of mind, i could do it.
i gotta do it the very first second or it's lost.

so okay.
i could pretend i'm comfortable.
grin.
i could pretend i'm centered.

yeah.
fake it til you make it.

okay.
i'm gonna do that......

why not?
it sure beats goin' in shy.

ah!
this is a choice too, isn't it?
okay.
i'll choose comfortable.

here we go.....

lessons on loving from a distance

i was making my bed this morning thinking about somebody
i know who seems really really selfish. but it's
not that simple. there's a lotta things mixed in this person.
and i see some of the good stuff. and i really care about
him.

so i thought about it...started thinking of the reasons
why he's like he is.

started thinking about a couple of other people i know who
seem selfish also. i have a harder time with them than with
this guy. thought about all of that. the thing is, when i really
sit myself down and look at all of them, i can see why they
are like they are.

annoyance falls away to sympathy.
understanding part of someone certainly helps.
takes that anger edge off.

thing is.....every single one of these people looks like
they've got their heels dug in pretty deep and change doesn't
look like it's on the horizon for any of them.

what do i do with that??
accept and keep goin, i guess.

allow them to be who they are.....
keep tryin' to see why....
and know that i won't get anything i need from them....
except lessons for myself that i find myself.

and one lesson i know is not to hang too close to these
people.
love from a distance.

hard for me....but one of the lessons they can offer me.
love comes in many different forms.
i just need to learn some of the different ones better
and better...

i can do that.

and that's enough.

old emails

i sat on the floor of my bedroom readin' old emails
i'd saved....
ones that meant a lot to me...
i got hooked. could do it all day.
but limited it as i needed to get back to work.
i stayed long enough to be reminded of things i
needed reminding of...
and i read enough to remember the journey i've been
on for years now.
i saw progress. that was nice.
and i saw themes that have remained constant.
work that still needs doin'.
and i saw love between me and my friends.
a whole lotta love.
a whole lotta support.

sometimes i forget.

and when i sit down long enough to remember,
i'm floored.
man.

there's been some pretty open exploring,
some incredible sharing...and some real
growing. not just with me. with people close
to me.

i read their words and just kinda think 'wow.'

we've been travelin', my friends and i.....

sometimes i get lost in the figurin' it out...
it feels good to be reminded of where we've been.

and once again i feel so very darn lucky.

the little girls that are us...

so there we sit, over tea, talkin'.
she says some stuff has been coming up,
and the tears well up in her eyes.
and she awkwardly alludes to something
we've talked of in the past....

when she was a kid.
when she was molested.

gently, we wander into the topic.
we've both got our stories, we've both
shared them in the past.
so no details are required.
just the general subject is touched.

and we talk of the weight of the incidents.
and how we're amazed at how heavy these things
really are inside of us.

i told her of the day i was doin' art alone
in my studio. how out of the blue, in the middle
of playin' with some watercolor, i heard a voice
inside me....

'that's when you really learned that you didn't matter.'

wow.
where did that come from, i wondered.
out of the blue.

and i knew it was true.

we talked of the lessons we got from those things that
happened to us.

and we talked of the healing we still needed to do.
and the different lessons we needed to take place of the
old ones...

as i sat there looking at the tears on her face, i thought
of all the people who carry this stuff inside of them....
and how it comes up in different ways for everyone.

she's one of the most beautiful people i've ever known.
will she ever really see that?
and how much will her past keep her from seeing that?
for how long?

and i thought of myself.

again.....there's work to do.
and surrounding that work today, i want to include that
idea of 'intense love' from a few days ago.

how about intense love for those little girls that got hurt
way back then......

sounds like a good place to start.....

i like that.
a lot.

watchin' her and learnin' stuff as i do...

we chatted tonite....
like we do a lot of nites...
what her day was like...
how she was feelin....
how she was copin'....

she sounds stonger as the days go by.

she casually said she just is tryin'
to put it all out of her mind.
just pretend it never happened.

we both are quite aware that that only works
on some days, some moments.
but she's doin' her best to forget it.

everything i've ever heard says you have
to deal with your pain....or it will deal with you.

i gently ponder that with her.
and we both kinda get to the same point at the
same time...

what exactly does 'deal with' mean???

'i've already been thru hell' she says.
and yeah, she has.

what 'does deal with it' mean exactly???

she said her counselor said she has to get
to 'forgiveness and all that junk.'
and we laughed.

we can laugh cause we've talked thru this
stuff with a lot of seriousness in the past.
with enough respect that would allow laughter
at this point.

yeah.
that's prolly the goal.
a good one, i think.
one i'd love to see her get to.

but watching her, i'm learning something i hope
i'll use on me....
patience.

it's not something she can just get to today.
i know that.
i don't expect that.
don't look for it.
she's where she's at.
she's tryin' to get thru her days.
and that's her goal right now.
forgiveness seems a long way off.

and i'm so okay with that.
i trust the process with her.
i watch her and see progress even when she doesn't.

it's a good lesson for me.
we grow as we can.
paces will set themselves.
and all we can do is what we can do.
and that's okay.

upholstery

i kept the thought with me all day....
to live/love the moments today.
(see post below)

i've got a cold and not as energetic as usual.
(it's times like this i realize i generally have
a lot of energy!...but not now...nope not now.)

zakk wanted to go on an outting. there was talk
of goin' tomorrow as we can plan the time better,
do what we gotta do first, all of that practical
stuff, maybe i'd feel stronger. all of that.
nah. forget that.
we decided to go.

i was very aware of my sons. very aware of how much
they meant to me and how important the moment was.
i wasn't going to accomplish the goal that they were.
i was going to be with them. that was my goal.

as we drove home in yo's truck, i sat in between yo
and zakk. yo was drivin' and smiling. zakk didn't even
know it, but he was usin' my leg as an arm rest.
he was just leanin' against me like i was part of the
upholstery with his arm danglin' on me.

he had no idea.
i wasn't gonna point it out.
i was afraid he'd move.

altho it did cross my mind to give him a real jolt
and send him flying. that woulda been fun.....
but.....
i didn't want him to move.
i sat there and thought about how incredible it was
that he was so comfortable right there. how we were
just bein' family right then and just bein' with
each other. and likin' it.

and i thought of my promise to myself to enjoy the
moments today.

you couldn't have paid for that moment.
and it was right there.
all mine.

i'm still treasurin' it.

now i'm gonna go find zakk and lean on him a bit
while i watch something stupid with him....
figure it's his turn to be upholstery.

pondering

i read of a loss yesterday that made me cry.
one of those sad ones that you wonder how the
people remaining will cope. if they'll ever be
okay again.
one of those....

and you know......they won't, will they?

they'll never be 'okay' again.

they're changed forever.

i sit here and think of that....
changed forever.
and what will they do with that change?
what can they do with that change?

i try to imagine what i would do.
what do you do with a broken heart?
a truly truly broken heart that has a huge
piece of it missing...

if you manage to survive, you're doin' good.
if you manage to help others from your pain,
you're incredible.

can anyone find wisdom thru it?
and if they can....what would that wisdom be??

what the heck is it really all about?
why does someone come to the earth for 16 years and
then leave?
why does someone come for 74 years and then leave?
where do they go?
where do we all go?

what's the point?

do i just turn back to my day and get my work done,
and take the day for granted?

do i cherish the moments?
do i get annoyed at someone today for some stupid reason?

do i forget that it's one more day that's incredible
and that i'm okay right now?

how do i remember that every single day is a gift?
is it still a gift if i get my heart broken wide open
like others around me?
is it still a gift if i'm in pain that will never stop?

will i ever understand any of it??

one thing i can't do......turn blindly into my day today.

i may not know where i'm goin', what it's about, how long
it'll be good...
but i have the moment. and this moment i'm gonna love intensely.
because i can.

because i can.
right now i can.
and so i will.

intense love.....

my buddies the jehovah's witnesses just stopped by.

nope.
i'm not a jehovah's witness.
nope. not even christian.

just try to listen for some thoughts that help
as i wander thru life.

as i flipped thru the article on choices,
i smiled.
what place does god occupy in your life?

okay. rephrase it.

what place does your spirituality occupy
in your life?

and then i think about that....

my words are things like 'trust the universe'
'being in the flow'....
the more kooky words.
those work for me.

so i just change the words.

what place is the trust in my life?
how much am i in the flow?

i flipped another page that had a bible quote...
and look at what it says..
'above all things, have intense love for each other.'

ohhhh i do like that one.

intense love.

now that's really got me thinking.

what IS intense love???
is that the open heart i'm looking for???

i'm pretty sure it can't be intense if it comes
from a closed heart....

intense love.

gonna carry that one around with me today....

thanking my buddies today....

making friends with ghosts

i sat and listened to a woman tell me her very own
ghost story last week.

i don't know what i think about the subject of ghosts.
i told her that.....explained my beliefs which were
few...

about the only thing i could grab on to that worked
for the conversation was i believe in 'energy' and the
flow of it all.

she was really jittery about whatever was going on. and it
did sound interesting.

so i suggested she make friends with it. take the negative
feelings and turn them around.

hmmmmm.......
you know.......that just kinda works with everything
doesn't it? doesn't have to be a ghost in your home...

how about a ghost in your heart?
how about the turmoil in your blood?
how about the weight in your bones?
the worry in your mind?
the fear that runs thru you....

how about it all?
make friends with it.

hmmmmm.....
suddenly i could put my own stuff in her whole
ghost story. i could see how certain thoughts, feelings,
energies inside me did the things her ghost was doin'
to her......how i gave them a life of their own and
feared their power and their intentions......

make friends, terri.....
just make friends with it all.....

panels

someone once told me i had a whole panel of 'guides'
helping me out.

now.
before anyone nods in total agreement or rolls their
eyes in total annoyance......

i don't really have a belief one way or another on that.

i've figured out that i don't know much of anything....
so i'm pretty open to 'could be.'and 'maybe not.'and
'who the heck knows.'

but the visual of a whole panel of guides out there
rootin me on.....well, i just really dig that.

that's gotta be the self centered in me. or the unmothered.
or the lost. or the in major need of help.

but i like it.

i actually picture a 'panel' of them.
that word panel kinda stuck with me.
what does that mean?
i have them all sittin' at something that looks like
the guys in the gong show.
you know where they sat behind podium kinda things..
those things. a big long bench of those things connected.
watchin' and rootin' me on or shakin' their heads in
slight amusement as i go muddlin' thru. whisperin' out
hints that i can barely hear if i listen real close.
reachin' out and turnin' me in the right direction when
i'm totally wanderin' in the wrong way....

and every now and then...it's rare......but it does happen....
i cock my head to the side, look into the air and say
something brilliant like 'help?'

one thing i have noticed.......no matter if it comes from
a panel of guides, a god out there, an energy runnin' thru
the universe, or my very own depths of wisdom.......
when i ask for help, something changes and i find it.

so.......why the heck don't i do that more often??

ya gotta wonder about that.

the opposite of worry.......

so i had a worry this morning.
one of those worries that's really heavy.
i hate those.

and i walked and thought....
and by accident, i started to think the opposite
way. which was a good thing...i just didn't
didn't do it on purpose....

i started thinking the opposite of worry.
um.....what's that called?
positive??
grin.

and i saw it again right in front of my eyes....
it's totally in how you look at it.

and it's up to me which i choose.........

laughin' again

so i said to yo yesterday.....
"yo! it's claim who you are day!"

and without missing a beat he says all
enthusiastically "GREAT! i'm jimi hendrix!"

i laughed and laughed and laughed.
that struck such a funny bone.
just the way he so enthusiastically
got on board there.....but with the wrong
idea!

noooooooooo...........not who you WANT to
be......who you ARE!!

oh.
yeah.

'claim day'

i'm really likin' the idea of 'claiming who i am.'
i really like that.

prolly cause i spend a good part of my life
APOLOGIZING for who i am!!! or tryin' to fix who
i am.......or tryin' to adjust who i am to fit
who someone else is....

CLAIMING who i am is just a really cool concept.

today is 'claim day.'

i want to watch myself and claim what i'm doin'
and what i'm feelin'.

i have no idea what it will bring.....but it's
just too cool to pass up.

the boys are in for an interesting day around here!

it's all in the cards......

okay, i pulled a card last nite from one of those
decks of cards that give you something to think about.
and it did.
it talked about bein' myself and being aware of who
i am and claiming that.
ewwwww.....i liked that.

left it out so i'd be thinking about it this morning.

and i did. i walked and thought about it and it rolled
into claiming things that did or did not work for me.
delight started to creep over me. ya mean..like say....
the way you're acting right now doesn't work for me,
and i'm goin' off to do my own thing right now????
ohhhhhh yes. that feels good. that's a struggle for me.
i had just done that. had just hung up with a very
frustrated friend. it wasn't aimed at me, but it felt
lousy just the same. i had hung in there long enough
to try to show some support, but got out of there before
i felt worse than i already did.

the idea that the card talked about,
the claiming who i am,
that felt like that made that okay. it's
okay to say this isn't workin' for me. i'll love you from
over here, okay?

then i came home and picked another card.
oh great. this one was about seein' love in a different way.
offering love when you really don't feel like it.

oh great. great. great.
that's something i'm always tryin' to do.....open my heart
more. not run away and hide. not be selfish about what i give.
and i fall short a lotta times.

i immediately went to my dysfunctional upbringing of 'give
yourself away and love the other person.' and immediately
felt guilty for headin' off on my own this morning.

then it hit me.
wait a minute.
oh just wait a minute.
what i just did.........WAS loving in a different way for
me! it was sayin' 'this is who i am, this isn't workin'
for me, and i'll love you over here while you do what you
have to do.'

that IS love!
and it's different for me because it's HEALTHY!

suddenly i was getting delighted all over again!
i hadn't said any of that out loud. it was all to myself.
and i had thought of callin' my friend back just to tell
him i loved him...but decided it would be better to love
him quietly this morning.

i HAD chose love. and i HAD chose me too!

go figure.

i just like him...

i musta told zakk three times today that i like him a lot.
he keeps lookin' at me funny, like, what's up???

nothin's up.
i just like him!

he's 16, adorable, and got such a great sense of humor.
he's been pokin' at me this morning and tellin' me i need
some caffeine. he wants some fun in the house, and i get
a lot more fun when i'm caffeinated.

i just had some. just for him.
and he tested me.
he's working right next to me.
put on a song that gets to me big time.
i'm just workin' righ thru it.
he looked over and said 'nope. not enough caffeine yet.'

guess that's a test.

i honestly just really like these boys of mine.
they are such fun to have around the place.

i don't take that lightly.
i know what a gift that is.

just feelin' pretty darn lucky over here.......

more terri's on the road

i walked today and called out some of my inner terri's.
two in particular. a young part of myself, and a teen
part of myself.

where do you spose those selves really go? do they ever
really leave us? i just can't figure how it works. i honestly
don't feel like they leave us. and when i walk and go to them,
it feels so easy to go there. i figure it's all prolly just
a fantastic imagination game that works wonders for me....
and at the same time...i just kinda get curious about it all.

i had to have a talk with myself. i was looking outside myself
once again for answers. and once again i needed to go inward.

i didn't want to at first.
i walked and told myself...okay....do you want to just wallow
here or do you want to get somewhere???

okay.
okay.
i won't wallow.
but where do we get?
how do we get there???

and ya know, it's funny......
the minute i put the wallowing down, things start to happen.
different parts of me join me, surround me, and i have help.
i saw those parts today and saw their beauty.
i really really saw their beauty.
and they never did as they were growing up.
i was so delighted to be able to see it and offer it to them.

and then.......and then.......
a very special part of myself turned to me and offered me
the same gift. she said she would show me my beauty that
i can't see.

the tears rolled down my face.

i tried to see myself thru her eyes.
vague.
very vague.
but a start.
i think a pretty good place to start.

funny. i don't look insane when i walk....
but as i type it out, i know i sound it.

don't care.
doesn't matter.
what matters is that it's all there for me for
the taking......

i just have to take it.
and if i don't, then i need to be honest enough
to understand why not.....

and so i reach out....and try again.

limits

i watched a woman yesterday let someone say "she can't
do that." and she never said a word in response. she
just let that hang in the air and never challenged it.
it wasn't a rule that she couldn't do. like she can't
go beyond that fence, or she can't do something illegal.
nope.

it was learning something.

'oh, she can't do that.'

wow.

i offered to teach her. told her i was sure i could teach
it in a way she was comfortable with and if she wanted to
learn it, i was right here ready to show her.

she looked interested......
will she be interested enough to make it happen?
that's what i'm curious about.

as i walked today i thought about that.....
man. it really struck me....
it's not about our ability to learn, is it??
that's not the key.
the key is not limiting ourselves.

i watch my kids do amazing stuff all the time.
and i know why they can....
because they don't know they can't.
they don't set those limits on themselves.

do you really want it?
then make it happen.

so i walked and thought about something that
i really want but am afraid i can't learn.

for pete's sake. it's the same thing.
it's 'inner work' stuff...not academic....
but it's the same thing...

somewhere along the way i picked up the voice
that says 'oh she can't do that.'
and i haven't challenged it.
i let it hang in the air inside me.

shoot.

do i really want it?
then make it happen.
and as i wondered how i would ever learn it,
a part of me stepped up to the plate and
reached out her hand.
'i'll teach you. i can show you.'

she was right there.
i was right there.
it's all inside of me.

all i gotta do is throw the limits away....

distractions

oh ho ho is there a lesson in here somewhere for me!

so there's this significant person in my life who
has held a heckuva lotta power over me in the past.
i mean, major turmoil inside of me has been stirred
by this person...

and today....nothin. no turmoil. no nothin'.
well..no there was something........but it wasn't
an emotional something.

it was curiosity, pondering, that kinda thing.

so okay. that in itself is actually huge news.
huge huge news.

so why aren't i doin' back flips?

i'm thinking it's two things.
one is i know it's waves. life is waves.
and there will be another time when the turmoil
is back. so i'm not going to be fooled into thinking
all that's over.....

but the other reason......the other one has me
kinda excited...and thinking the other may actually
be a whole lot over is this....

i have other things that are more important to me
now to work on.

and THAT right there is where the lesson lies.
lays? lay? lie?

ah. but what the heck is the lesson??
i don't know.
i just feel one in here somewhere!
grin.

maybe it's this...
the things that seem so monumentally important to
me aren't always going to be. other things come
along to distract me.

and maybe that's all it all is anyway...distractions.

i'm caught up in a different big distraction right
now.

and i'm wondering about that....and learning from the
first distraction to help me with this one now....

it's all connected, and it's all monumental, and none
of it matters all at once.

it really is okay, isn't it?

now. to hold onto this feeling as i walk into my other
distraction......

karen

she was there for me today.
actually, she's there for me all the time.
but today....well today i trudged in a little
bit further than i ever have and talked to her
about things that are hard for me to talk about.
i didn't say it right out loud, but i'm thinking
maybe it was obvious....i needed her.

and she was right there loving me and talkin' with
me and nuturing me. she excels at that naturally
anyway...and today it felt like she out did herself.

and she so got it. i didn't have to go thru all the
explaining. she just got it. that's such a relief when
that happens.

i was never a big fan of needing people. tried real
hard not to do that. and then at one point in my life,
i learned how to lean. and i learned there's a lotta
good that comes outta leaning.

today i needed her.
today i leaned.
she reached out and held me.
i not only saw her beauty, i felt her beauty.
she took her beauty and surrounded me with it.

she made a difference in my life today.

then the oddest thing happened. she wrote me and told
me about someone who touched her at one point. and i
wrote her back and suggested she tell him. said that
it matters. that we need to let people know when they
touch our lives. that those moments are the things that
make a life successful and we need to tell people what
successes they truly are!

funny timing, huh?
it made me realize that i needed to tell her what she
did for me today...and what a success she herself truly
is!

outta the blue....

so i'm walkin and in pops a thought outta the blue.
ohhhh that's a good thought.
something on the practical side that i should do.

okay. i can do that.

and i get all tickled. i love the fact that these things
just land in on me sometimes and i'll listen.

start thinking about that and tellin' myself that i need
to listen ALL the time and that i'm sure these things
land in way more than i know.

i want it to be a way of life for me.

then bam.
right then.
bam.
in floods some really really heavy memories.

it was the day i heard the news of a suicide.
moments from the day just started pouring thru me.
feelings came back. i could feel all the feelings
as the memories played thru my mind. just certain
moments. a moment here. a moment there.

getting the call, hearing the voice on the other
end of the phone.

clutching my son's shoulder.

holding someone as they collapsed and wailed.

moments in the car on the dark drive up....

they all flooded back in. one after another. and
the feelings were so strong. i felt like i was
reliving them. i could feel my hand on josh's shoulder.
could still feel my fingers twisting his shirt.
i could feel it all....i could hear the voices.
the pain. the shock. all of it.

wow.
where did this come from???

i thought about how i hadn't really helped myself
with all of that. that i had been so busy tryin' to
help everyone else, that i still had a lotta work
to do for me. and i remembered the thought that these
things come up when you're strong enough to handle them.
and i think that might be it...

but i think there's more too....
it had to have something to do with listening to things
that pop in. it had to have something to do with those
thoughts i was havin' right before this happened.

and ya ready?
thick headed terri finishes her walk and starts to head
in the house. well, okay, i'll just put all that on the
shelf and start my day!
no kidding!!!
helloooooooo???

so i stopped myself and said oh.
maybe not.
maybe i better sit out here for a bit and hold it all.

so i sat until i could get to a spot where i didn't have
to put it on the shelf for the day. where i could carry
it with me and pay attention and listen to those things
that just come outta the blue.

i'm holdin' it all close now. and listening.

starting my day....

everyone was asleep and i was creeping quietly
out of the bathroom. walkin' by yo yo's room,
i saw that he was just waking up and looking at
the time on his cell phone.

oh! i'll go say good morning!
he shares a room with josh, so i creep in real
quiet so i don't wake josh.

as i get closer to yo, i see this massive scrunched
up face that's barely coherent and cannot see. he
seems to think scrunching harder will help his sight.
it is the funniest thing to see and i try not to laugh
so i don't wake josh, but this laugh that's squished
comes outta me. it makes a weird rattling sizzling sound.

startled, yo turns toward his clock.
you can see the complete startled confusion on his face
as he thinks that noise is a mechanical problem with the
clock by his bed.

this is too much for me.
i burst out laughing and land on the edge of his bed.
he's so surprised and mumbling 'where did you come from??'

and he grins, and wraps his arm around me and starts
laughing with me.

we're tryin' to be quiet so as not to bother josh and
it only makes it worse.

as i wandered back to my studio, i thought........ya know...
you just don't get a better start to the day than that!

lopsided...

gettin' ready to bleach yo yo's hair and i'm
thinking about what it'd be like to have girls....

i cut yo's hair last week. he told me last nite that
he thinks it's lopsided.

big grin here.

and yeah, it was.

can you imagine if that was my daughter??
it wouldn't have taken a week for me to hear!

he said at first he thought he slept on it wrong,
then showered it funny.......i'm laughing as i type
this......he had all kindsa theories.
then finally decided, nope, it's lopsided.

so. i'm cuttin' josh's hair this morning. i holler
down to yo. 'want me to fix your hair?'
he hesitates.
'do you think it needs it??'

i can't believe it. i guess lopsided isn't that big
of a deal.

and as i cut his hair i joked with him about the
bumps on his head and his skull bein' lopsided.

somehow i don't think that'd go over too well
if he was my daughter.

she'd carry around an issue of a lopsided skull for life!

and as i thought of that, i grinned.
i have never gotten over the lady measurin' my head for
our high school graduation caps commenting on what a big
head i have!

oh man.
i'm laughin' just thinking of that.
ever since that moment, i've been convinced my head is
huger than huge.

there's a lesson in here somewhere for me, isn't there?

lighten up, ter, it could be worse. she coulda said 'wow
what a HUGE LOPSIDED head you have!'

it's all just a game, isn't it?
lighten up, ter, lighten up.

aging

i got a letter from an old friend yesterday.
he enclosed a picture of himself and another friend
of ours. both these gentleman are a good bit older
than i am. when we all met i was 19. and the one,
the other guy in the picture, seemed pretty ancient
to me way back then!

and i actually laughed out loud when my friend wrote
that this guy hadn't changed a bit. "he was old then,
he's old now."

i think that's the most interesting thing....how some
people are just always old.
i remember meeting someone who seemed 50 when she was
in her 20's. when she got to her 50's she was still the
same!!

what is that???

attitude???

and then there's the young at heart....who always have
that twinkle, ya know?

i've seen absolutely stunningly beautiful old people....
they just totally glow. why? don't tell me they haven't
experienced enough to make them old and dull....
and yet they're beautiful and stunning.

attitude.
i just think it's gotta be.

and somewhere at the heart of it all, i think gratitude
is so mixed into it.

maybe sittin' on the shelf next to the wrinkle cream,
we should have a jar of gratitude cream.
spread it on, soak it up, and watch your entire being
begin to glow.

what's on the top of your list?

all this team talk (see yet another blog below!)
has me thinking......

when you create that list in your mind for what you
want in a partner...
when you dream of things as a young woman for the partner
you want....
when you get out the piece of paper as an older woman
and decide to write it all down......

do you put TEAM MATE first on the top line???

i didn't.
don't think that ever even made the list...let alone
hit the top three things!

and yeah!!! i actually listed stuff at one point.
(it's a long, great story of how i actually made
a list because of a bet from a friend...
who turned out to be the person i was looking for
and didn't know it!!!!
ahhh...but that's another blog....)

as i sit here and look at the most moving moments
with my partner, i see a common theme. every single
one of 'em was filled with the feeling of being a
team. a team of true friends.

and then i replay a recent conversation with a married
friend. 'team' isn't anything that they are about.
there's control, and tolerating....not team work.

how did they lose that?
did they ever have it?
and then i look back at my own history....
there's gonna be a lot to look at there for me.

one thing i know.
it's something that's vital.
and it's something i don't want to lose again.

may i never take that lightly...

teams

so we got together over a cup of water last nite
to brainstorm this new concept of 'approach is everything.'
(see a few blogs down...)
and it all fell apart.
well...not all.
we knew it was true.
but there was way more to it all too.
and as we sat there looking at each other feelin' totally
lost, my heart sank.
approach was a ton. and it mattered.
but there was so much more that i just couldn't figure out.
i had arrived feeling really hopeful.
i left feelin' kinda hopeless...

and then this morning.....

there he was on the other end of the phone.
focused like i rarely hear him on the phone.
a dream he had pushed him to think a bit harder about all
of this...
and he put some of the entanglements out there on the table.
here, look at this.
do you see this?
what do we do with this?
what about this over here?
and he laid it all out the best he could.
he was focused, articulate, clear and trying hard.

i tuned in.
joined in and helped him sift thru it.

we were a team for sure.
and that came up....that we hadn't been a team with this
stuff. that we had both been strugglin' on our own. fightin'
with each other's technique instead of teaming up.

and there we sat.
talking, thinking, trying....

i hung up knowing nothing had been solved. but my mood
was so much lighter.

the love that's there truly has created a team.
and when we work that way, i know we can get thru anything.

how does that team stuff slip away??
that's prolly the question to really pay attention to.
and i will.

right now, i'm gonna spend this really beautiful day grateful
he put it back up on the table for us to pick up again.

a shoe commercial

i feel like a shoe commercial and i'm sitting here
with a grin a mile wide.

i'm going out with my guy to a wedding in a few
weeks. we're not exactly the dress up couple of
the year. truth is, in five years, we have NEVER
gone anywhere that we've dressed up together.

wow.
so. here it is. first time.
and i actually want to dress up and try to be
pretty, ya know??

so i splurged and ordered heels.
heels.
i don't even know if i can walk in heels anymore!
well......i got a size too big, so i called. and
they were so so so wonderful. taking good care of
me and getting me the right shoes right away.
ha!

and i hung up the phone all excited about the shoes
coming tomorrow.

and i couldn't believe it.
i saw myself and laughed out loud.

i remember feelin' like this when i was a teenager.
i think it's been that long since i've gotten excited
about heels!!

it's been a long long long long time since i've bought
myself something frivolous! i'm thinking if it makes
me this giddy, i have to do it more often!

i just remembered something....i was wearin' FLAT
sandals yesterday when i twisted my ankle. uh oh.
i think i'm gonna have to practice wearin' the heels....

ha!
and she found that she actually liked bein' girly.....

presentation and angles are everything!

something i've known for years kinda slipped right
on by me lately....this one sounds small....but it's
way bigger than you think at first.

"presentation is everything."

how many times have i said that to friends when
they were having a problem with someone???

and here i am rammin' my head and heart against
someone i love a ton because his presentation stinks.
grin.
okay.
not fair.
let's try that again.
his presentation is totally different than the
presentation i need.

it occurred to me today...we both want the same thing.
totally. so. um. why in the world do i want to run
and hide when the subject comes up? because what he
thinks is a loving presentation makes me feel really
lousy.

go figure.
that's kinda amazing.
mars and venus???

think about it.
how many times does that happen between people?
um.
they have a word for this.....
no.two words:
"total miscommunication."
yeah, that would be it.
but it makes more sense to me when i look at it like
his presentation stinks.

we talked about it today. i think i used much more
diplomatic words than 'stinks'....
and we both saw it.
we're both totally, totally different.
this makes sense.

and it feels so much less threatening when i step out
and look at it from this angle.

angles.
they're everything, aren't they?
no.
presentation AND angles are everything!

a big smile and sparkley eyes

man, did i just take one heck of a walk!
i went miles inside myself....not necessarily
deep...nope. just all around and scattered.

i started out tryin' to figure out a problem,
but ended up throwin' it to the wind...

i just want to have a happy day. and then i
remembered something someone said to me recently.
he had met me when i was at my lowest. he saw someone
completely different then. and he commented on it.
he mentioned the big smile and sparkley eyes and thought
they were a new thing.

nah.
they just weren't there when i met him cause i was
just tryin' to survive then.

but they've been with me most of my life...actually, all
of my life except for that one point.

BUT! there are times those things just kinda hide.
and the sad takes over.

well.....i decided i wanted them today! i wanted to feel
good about things. wasn't sure i could do that with
EVERYTHING today...actually, pretty sure i couldn't...
but knew i could in some places.
and so i went there!

business! i can have a big smile in business! okay.
so what am i gonna do business-wise today....and i started
gettin' into it.

before i could get to the big smile in mothering, i bumped
into my elderly neighbor. we chatted for awhile and there
was a lotta laughin' goin' on between us. ahhhhh, i thought...
here it is. more smilin'.

there's some stuff goin' on today that i feel is difficult.
but ya know what? i really don't care. it will take care of
itself. and i'm thinking if i can feel happy today that may
just really help the other stuff out a lot...

so, that's my big deep goal for today...
to have a big smile and let my eyes sparkle a bit!

mastin, rumi and i....

i just got my love quotes for the day from
mastin kipp of the daily love! these things are great!
and whenever anyone has rumi listed, i stop and read!
and go figure!
mastin, rumi and i are all on the same page today!
the last post was on grieving less (see below)
and anticipating more......

well check out what mastin just sent from rumi.....

"Observe the wonders as they occur around you.
Don't claim them. Feel the artistry moving through
and be silent. Don't grieve.
Anything you lose comes round in another form."


- Rumi (Sufi Mystic)


you gotta love rumi.....
thanks, mastin!!

grieving less, anticipating more

the expectant parents this morning (see post below)
have me thinking a bit...

i really did love the whole baby deal. to me, the
entire process was beyond words. it changed my life
in so many ways...not just the obvious ones.

i remember being really really sad when it was time
to not have any more kids. i really remember grieving
that...

and as i sit here today so thankful i am where i am
and that life has changed the way it has...i have to
kinda shake my head.

life is change, growth, flow....
it's a journey of releasing and changing.
if i could see the pattern and see that so many good
things come that i didn't even know about...maybe i'd
grieve changes a lot less.

it's kinda good timing for me to think about that as my
oldest son gets ready to move on out on his own and i see
an end of an era coming....

the boys will be gone in a blink....an end of an era, yes.
but where i need to focus is the start of an era that i
can't even imagine.

it's all where you look, isn't it?

reminders

walkin' today and a young man pulls up next to
me with a frazzled look on his face. needs directions
to the hospital....he's gotta take his wife. i look
over, just see someone pretty round in there....
thinking it's baby time. and they're outta state!!!
i saw their license plates as they pulled away.
oh man.

i gave them directions and sent them all kindsa
positive vibes as they pulled away...

and then the thoughts and memories came floodin' thru...

as i walked up to my house, i thought about how i was
just headin' in for a regular day. it felt so good.
and yeah, there was a time i was really sad i wasn't
gonna have another baby.....that was a long time ago!

this moring i was so grateful i was where i was.
i walked in to my grown babies,
smiled and sat down to work.

life feels a lot easier this morning since i saw that
guy's face...

we forget how good a place we are in so many times.

i needed the reminder this morning....
it's gonna be a good day.

a journey of a life time

'it's the journey of a lifetime' i said.
i heard myself say it....and i smiled.

i just hung up with a friend. we ended up talking about love
and intimacy. he was tellin' me about maybe wanting to partly
love someone...but not the full deal.

funny timing. driving this morning, i got caught behind a slow
moving pickup truck hauling a race car. it was a car my kids would
have drooled over, so i smiled. i couldn't get mad. i knew he was
hauling precious cargo....so i settled myself in for a slow drive and
plenty of time to think.

love was the topic on my mind. and my mind rambled.
i got to thinking about so many people throwing around the
word 'love' when they don't have a clue what it means to
really love. i thought of how i was just at the very beginning
stages of understanding pieces of it. and i thought of someone
really important to me who couldn't love me. and i thought about why.

i honestly believe to love wholly you have to be whole.
and while i know 'whole' is a pretty big word, i really mean 'as close
to whole as you can get.'

and i think that the love i couldn't get, and the love i couldn't give
was/is because of the obstacles that were/are there preventing the
wholeness of me or the other person.

that right there seems like a pretty big thought. it seems to take the
'blame' away or something...and yet, i see a lot of responsibility in
there at the same time.

i'm wondering if intimacy is almost like a measuring stick to it all.
the quality of the intimacy, the depth of it, whatever that
intimacy is...it's a mirror reflecting the love. that's an interesting
thought after the conversation i just had. can you have a part way love?
then do you have part way intimacy? then do you have part way wholeness?
how does it all tie in???

i'm thinking it all ties in beautifully.

loving someone completely, being vulnerable and trusting
and open....those things just don't happen.
it's not just chemistry......
it's work and it's scary, and it's decisions and choices...
and it's a journey. and there is no way on earth it's a
part way thing.

i think that's a rule somewhere.
journey's of a lifetime can't be part way things.......

and i'm kinda glad about that. cause i think i'd be chicken
enough to only go part way if they were! as it is....
i'm in for the whole deal. the whole shabang. learning how
to be whole and loving whole....all the way to beyond....

dance of dysfunction 101

interesting conversation about the dances of dysfunction
this morning. it takes me forever, but i eventually see them!
well.......not true. i see them in SOME places.

i got it down in one important place and that's a good thing.

(well, as long as i remember it's a DANCE and always moving...
and you can never REALLY have it completley down!!)

but what's even better is it has just inspired me to really
really look all around. there are places that i get so swept
up in the gunk of it all that i don't see real clearly.

well.
pooh.
that's no good.
time to see clearly.

i think these things are actually pretty easy if we just step
aside and look. i guess the hard part is the stepping aside!
i think the patterns have got to be easy to spot. it's just the
taking yourself out of it to view....that's the part that i might
need help with.

but i think i can do that a little bit right now....
i want to see what part i play in one particularly tricky tango
i do.

i'm gonna sit the kids down and see if we can figure it out together.
how cool would that be??

that's gonna be lunch conversation with my boys!!!
grin.
they have no idea yet what's coming!!!

why in the world don't we all do this??? why don't we have a class
on this in high school????? dance of dysfucntion 101.
man, i'd sign up! good thing i home school my kids. i just signed
all of them up for this one!!

the explorer mind

just came in from a wonderful walk with my son, yo.
we ended up talkin' about life and death and meandered
to the big question of 'what's it all about?'

i joked about all this inner journeyin' i do and
wonderin' what the point of it all was... you know layin'
on my death bed and it not makin' a bit of difference.

and then i had a goofy thought...

we've all musta heard the explorer or mountain climber
say they explore or climb because 'the mountain is there.'
something like that, right?

well.....i always thought that was a stupid thing to say.
grin.
yeah. i did.

but this morning it made sense to me!
i know there's inner worlds inside of me. and i know the
further i go, the further i see there is to go.
it's in there. and so i go.

and suddenly i realized i was living that stupid explorer
sentence!

but then i threw in more...maybe cause it still sounded a
little stupid to me......

i have someone i use as an example to me of what not to be
when i get old. and i look at her and see the prisons she
has built for herself. and i know that a goal of the
explorations is also to eliminate the prison walls, melt the
bars, open the doors.

so maybe it's something like...i go because the territory
is there...and it is in that journey thru the territory,
i find freedom.

hmmmmm....i bet a real life explorer would say the same thing.
how awesome cool is that?! now if i ever meet one at a party,
we're gonna have one heck of a conversation!!!

me and the moon

my cycles were right in sync with the moon for gosh,
a long time....i don't even know how long, but i really
got a kick out of it! the full moon and me...we were
bonded. the guys in my life knew what a full moon meant
for me and even they would watch the moon get fuller and
think of me.

and then....i got outta sync.
and i was bummed. i figured it would take forever to get
back to it. and it just seemed so darn cool. oh well.
whatever. i would wait. years i figured. cause i had never
been in sync like this before. and it had lasted so long...
i figured it would be a long long time before it happened again.

well.....here we are.......full moon rollin' around and
my body decided to get back in the groove!! it's not "correct."
it makes me totally off cycle.......and yet..it looks to me
like me and the moon will be back on track.

i'm sittin' here thinking about that. how odd it is that i just
am totally off cycle and going to get right back with the moon.

i like my cycle.
i've discovered amazing things about myself thru it.
and when i get my period, i call it 'power time' as most of the
time this great profound mood comes over me. i see it as an incredibly
powerful time for women.

well, shoot......if this really lines up like it looks like it will,
this will be one POWERFUL power time.
cause somehow it makes me think anything is possible.
this "shouldn't' be happening.
ha!
but it is!
because anything can happen!

kinda funky cool, i think.

wisdom from denise

talkin' to a friend about some of the stuff inside me
right now. she got it right away and wrote me a great note.
i get some of the world's best notes!
here's some of her wisdom that i thought was way worth
sharin'!

"so.. in those moments where
we are losing footing
due to the value we place on ourselves
from external places

its time to take a deep breath again
and dig deeper within our own value
and our own self love"

i thought this was pretty awesome.
speaking of my friend and pretty awesome,
her etsy shop is worth checking out!!
do yourself a favor and stop on by!

it's not alone...it's with myself!

i talked to a friend yesterday about bein' on
the journey alone and she hesitated because i think
at first she was thinking i was talkin' about not
needing people, not leaning.

oh my no.
i need people. and leaning is something i know how
to do well!

but there's a big difference between needing help
and support from friends....and needing things that
only you can give yourself.

THAT'S the journey alone. getting what you need from
you.

i think i've slipped there. i think i've been looking
for things people can't give.

what's that about???

and why??

that seems to be the killer of any relationship.
any kind of relationship.
bam.
kill.
zap.

why would you do that??

is it because i get lazy?
or do i just not see straight when i get comfortable??

i don't know what it is.....
but there's no good reason for it.
and you might as well give your relationships away if
you go in that direction, ter.

you might as well give yourself away.
because that's what you're doin'.
you're kinda messin' up everyone's power when you go
in that direction.

i see this as a real chance to get back on track.
a real chance to see who i am and work with myself.

i remember once havin' this thought...
what if i treated my inner self like i treat my best
girlfriend.
i pictured my friend coming into my kitchen and how i
listen with interest with all she has to say and how i
support her so easily.
what if i did that with myself???

well, all this journey alone talk.....it's not alone.
it's with ME!
my best girlfriend!
what if i actively, with awareness and presence, traveled
with myself???

and allowed everyone else to pop in as they did.

my gosh.
i love this.

it's all okay

okay....the alone thing hangs on.
(see posts below)
and i still feel good about it all...

now. how can i remember this???? because
you know it'll slip away in a second.
i guess i'll have to come back and read my
blogs!

pressures i've been feelin' for months are
dropping away. things that seemed so important
to me before don't today.

if i'm on a journey to get where i can, and if
i'm in it alone...then the people i love are such
incredible bonuses. (bonusi??) the moments with them
are gold. the moments without are where i'm sposed
to be.

it's all okay.

my gosh.
wouldn't it just be incredible to hang on to this
mood?

alone

there's a thought lodged in my brain.
won't get out.
won't move.
guess that's cause i haven't had much of a chance
to really sit with it...

the thought...question....is....

what if you really understand that it's yours to go alone?
what if you really accept that and are okay with that?

where does that leave you?

seems to me it would have to leave you in one heck of a good
spot.

where you put less pressure on the things and people around you.
the fact that they are there thru part of the journey rocks.
and that's it.
there doesn't have to be any more than that.

they don't need to do anything.
be anything.
offer anything.

expectations slow down.
the feeling of aloneness would slow down because you would
already know you are alone, and anything extra is gravy.

gratitude would pick up.

seems like it'd be a good thing all around.

and i feel like i'm just now seein' this really clearly.

i musta seen this before.
i musta??

but with me, it's waves. things come in clear, i get them.
then whoosh they wash away and i forget i ever saw them...or
there's a vague memory left....

this is one heck of a cool wave....

wonder how long i can ride it.

alone.
ridin' that wave alone.
and lovin' it.

what if.......

what if you've got a girl who grows up to become a woman who
has some really big stuff to learn.
she has to learn her value, her truth, her power. she has to
see her beauty and her worth. she has to learn how to love herself.

she asks the universe to teach her purity of heart.

no easy task. nothing short of exploding her life will work.
her life explodes.

she has to stop holding on tight to people who don't quite have
healthy love down. she has to learn how to see them for who they are
and accept them, and let them go in a different direction. she has to learn understanding and acceptance.

she learns to surround herself with people who help her grow.
she finds a partner who truly loves her. he helps her learn more
of the love for herself she needs to learn. together they learn to
love for the first time ever. the work is incredible, hard, and worth
it. it's teaching her so much and she's learning in one direction really
big time.

but there's another direction. a deep direction that's all hers.
she hasn't got it down yet. she's got it part way. but there's so
many more layers. how will she really really find that deep stuff?

well....she has to go alone, doesn't she? because it's only she alone
who can do it. it HAS GOT to be a solo journey.

she had to give up the familiar life for the first section of the journey.

she gets a break, she doesn't have to give up the new life she's built
for the second leg of the journey. that's not required.

but goin' a certain distance alone IS required.

how will that happen??

blind her partner.

have him wrapped up in his own journey where he can't get this part.
he gets other parts tho. he's actively involved in the rest of the journey.
and it all relates. so that's important. vital.
his presence matters a whole lot.

it's obvious to her.
the blindness is also obvious and scary to her.

she gets to choose. does she take most of the journey with him and
learn with him by her side all the while taking side trips down to the
place where no one else can see?

why can't anyone else see?

because that's the final deal.
no one else can affirm this.
if she needs anyone else's affirmation here, she doesn't make
the goal.

it's part of the deal.
she has got to get it without anyone else sayin' it's okay, i understand.

she has got to get it on her own, with no permission, no okay, no
reassurances.

everything has got to come from within her. no outside help.

and if she can do that. go there. all the while allowing and accepting
her partner to be blind and to follow his own journey...will she have
found purity? no.
she will have just begun the next phase of what she doesn't even know exists yet.
and on and on she goes.

there's a trick to this, woman.
it's perspective.
know where you're heading. stay aware of the journey.
don't get lost in the drama.
keep your eyes looking forward.
and always, always know when you stumble, you just get up
again.

gold

there has never been a mom more blessed than this one.
i believe that with my whole heart.

i have three of the most fabulous men for sons.

competent, talented, warm, giving, generous, strong, smart,
i watched them shine yesterday. they gave so much of their
time and energy to help someone out yesterday....and they did
it with good spirits and love....and tremendous competence.

and i got to watch the whole thing.

i get to see the stuff no one else does.
i get to hear the alarms go off at 5:00 in the morning and
the 'good morning's' and the rushing around loading up and
the joking and the punching and the way they look out for each
other behind the scenes, and the brother jokes that go on between
them. i get to see the exhaustion, the looking out for my budgeting,
the trying to help me without letting me know their helping me,
the fatigue, and the headin' to bed sleepy...

to them, it's just life.

to me, it's gold.

paint stained and happy

one of the things i knew i needed was to be with
two women friends of mine. and i got that yesterday
as we all gathered to help one of them with her
house projects.

that was the obvious. and it did wonders for me.

but it was the less obvious that is sitting with me
today keeping me company in my depths.

it was the coming together of a team. of people who
have been thru a whole lot, coming together and makin
things happen. it was three women and their kids.
....some wee kids, some man kids.

it was the mixing of all of that and the helping each
other. there was the physical help with the house, but
i went specifically looking for help with a personal struggle,
another came specifically looking for support with a new
path she wanted to take....

we were all there to give everything we could and open to
taking whatever was offered our way! no expectations. only
gratitude.

there was a lotta laughing, a ton of working, and something
coming back to life in me that just seemed to need yesterday.

it was beyond being with my women friends. it was a mixing of
lives that had been thru a lot. it was an appreciation of where
we had all been and an excitement of where we were all going.
and it was the actual working together that seemed to do something
for me. getting grimey and sweaty and painty and laughing thru it.
seemed like we had been doin' that for years verbally and there
we were living it in real life together yesterday.


i left paint stained and happy.

a ways more to go....

my head's a muddle of confusion right now.

stepping back into the flow...been thinking about that a lot.

why can i see that i can do that with my business
and yet at the same time not sure i can do that with
my SELF??

that makes no sense.

well.....what it shows me is that i'm still missin' a few
links here.

i think i'm missing trust in myself right now.
feel wobbly on that.
didn't realize how much so. but it's a lot.

you can't trust the universe without trusting yourself.

somewhere along the way i figured out they were somehow
directly connected.

so um.
i got one side i'm okay with.
and not the other.

okay.
okay.
back to the drawing board......

a really incredible mood

i'm havin' the best profound mood come over me....
i guess it's sparked on by emotional exhaustion.
i don't know.
but i love it.
the best part of it is that the things i find funny
seem even funnier. belly laughing funny.
mix that in with a lotta ohhhin' over life and it's
really quite wonderful. i feel like i'm walkin' in my
own little tunnel with my own little show in front of me.

i've been thinking a lot about where i've been the
last few years. some of the 'hits' i've taken and how
they've affected me.

i thought that i had pretty much worked thru a lot of
it and had it 'under control.'
but i'm thinking that's been a bit of a problem.
the 'under control' stuff.

the knowing there is no control was just too scary under
the circumstances, and so i've been workin' hard to not
look there. for a long time now.

you can't live like that for a long time and not have your
life change. you just can't.

the 'you've got no control baby ' place is not only where
i need to look again. it's the place where i need to live.

i've lived there before.
and now i sit here and scratch my head.
how did i wander away?

oh.
yeah.
i think of something.
yeah, that made me wander.
oh. yeah.
that too.
i wandered off a little more there.
oh. yeah.
i see.......

i don't think i fully saw until today.

i wandered right out of the flow.
huh.
go figure.

i've touched pieces of it here and there and
thought i was okay.

yeah, well,
not.

lucky for me it doesn't take years to wander
back. all it takes is one good profound day where
i can push my heart right back where it needs to sit.

i just visualized that....
i've got both hands against a giant sized heart, bigger
than me and i'm leanin' into it pushin' hard.

it's not a little thing to do.
i think one needs the correct mood.

and one needs to know when the universe hands that mood
to them.

lean......lean hard....push. puuuuushhhhhhhh...........

feelin' happy

sometimes something will make me so happy,
i will think.....this is what heaven has to
be made of.

i just read about a friend havin' a happy day.

that is it.
just a happy day.

she's had a whole lotta hard days.
and today she felt happy.

i read her words and my whole insides lit up.

i think part of heaven has got to be feelin' happy
that your friends are happy......

takin' care of me.

so i'm not feelin' so great tonite.
physically.
and it made me stop and look.

on the phone tonite, i was asked how i was
doin'. for real.
and i heard myself say i was pretty worn out,
that i had hit exhaustion and just needed to
kinda give myself a break.

i worked during the whole phone call.
i hung up and worked harder and faster.

started noticing some physical symptoms of not
feelin' so good.....

ohhhhh yeah.
oh yeah.

me.
i'm tired.
that would mean i need to take a break.
worn out...that would mean i need to kinda be gentle
with myself.

oh yeah.

i stopped and addressed my body......
okay.
okay.
i HEAR you!

i quit working.
and i started paying attention to myself.

and the whole thing has made me smile.

there was a time i didn't hear.
hopefully there will come a time where
i don't get those messages anymore cause
i don't need them!!

all in good time.

in the meantime.......i've got a little taking
care of myself to do.

yankin' all of us around

watchin' two people i care a lot about strugglin'
big time right now. they are both in such pain and
they keep yankin' each other back and forth tryin'
to get somewhere.

yank.
yank.
and another yank.
it's gotta be over.
no.
another yank.
yank.
yank.
and here we go again.

my gosh, it's exhausting to watch.
and i guess cause i have the empathy gene real strong
in me,and i've been involved tryin' to help,
i am feelin' yanked around myself. i can almost
feel it physically!~

it's not a good feeling. i can't even imagine how these
two are coping with it. i figure i got the 'side lines' feeling...
not the 'in the midst of it' feeling. i'm gettin' off easy,
and it still feels lousy.

so. i sit here feelin' strung out.
hmmmm.....
i have control over that. i can do something about that.
i tell myself to just stop accepting the yanks. these aren't
yours, have nothing to do with you.

the thing is.....the only way i know how to stop it is to close
up a bit. i can do that. i'm a real good closer.
but i also know that part of me has to be very open now.

so it's gonna be a balancing act.

one i'm no good at.
no good at all.

well....gosh.......good deal then......
here's my chance to get better, huh?
here's my science experiment right in front of my face.

to explore the balance of opening yet closing, protecting
yet giving, helping yet accepting.

ah!
oh!
there it is....
'accepting'
that's what it is, isn't it???

if i accept the dance they must play out right now,
and accept that i can't take the pain away,
then maybe the balance will come easy.

so maybe it's not balance....
maybe it's that darn stinkin' acceptance stuff.

shoot.
forever acceptance.

that's a big one, isn't it???

so one more time i will wander off and try to find
the ever elusive acceptance...

facades and prison bars

i got fascinated with something last nite.
not sure what the right word is.
'secrets' maybe.
'facades' maybe.
deception....maybe that's the word!

i was thnking about someone i know who has spent her
whole life trying to show the world she is happy, kind,
and loving. all the while covering with incredible skill
her sadness, anger, resentment, and selfishness.

the skill involved in the cover up....even to herself...
the surprise when someone figures it out...and the fact
that she will prolly never ever admit it to herself...
has all fascinated me.

there's reasons for it all, and cycles that feed each other,
and all kindsa interesting, sad stuff.

the fooling of ourselves and others.
we all do it. just different degrees.
when i see it in the extreme, i stop and look.

right now there's two cases of the extreme in front of my
eyes. and both cases create such prisons and pain.
they're extreme.
but the prisons and pain come in all degrees to all of us...

i see their obvious deceptions in front of my face and shake
my head with sadness. it is in mid shake, however, that i stop
and wonder about myself....

what prisons and pain are self inflicted?
hmmmm.....
would that be most of them?
would that be ALL of them???

something to definitely think about today.
next time i see a prison bar go up in front of my eyes......
i'm gonna hold it in my hands and claim it as my creation.
and then if i can flex my muscles a bit.....
maybe, just maybe, i can twist it in a knot,
toss it to the side....and let it rust without me.....

unclogging

there's something in that quote from yesterday
that's lingerin' in my mind.
(well, the whole darn quote is lingering in my
mind!) but the part about letting the energy reach you...
that part.

i really like that.
and i can see how that's a really big deal.

i'm kinda watchin' some big stuff goin' on right now.
it's not DIRECTLY affecting me, but i'm close enough
that i'm gettin' a whole lotta indirect wind.

and all the different emotions i have about it are
actually cloggin' up my system.
i hadn't really thought about that til i read that
line about letting the energy reach you.

you kinda have to unclog for that, don't you?

and when some kinda life drama is goin on with me or
close to me, all the emotions fill me on up.
well.....that's an okay thing.....as long as they don't
clog me. don't block me.

wonder how you manage the balance??
right now i see i'm not.
and i think just seein' it is a big help.

and i think focusing on allowing naturally releases
the grip on the other....

i hope so anyway.

quote from the daily love!

because of a comment someone left here, i went to check
out their website, 'the daily love.'
i signed up for my daily love quotes.
they are such a treat to get in my box every day!

got this one today and went ohhhhhhh......
and if you ever heard esther's voice before you can absolutely
hear it thru the quote. it's so cool.......
had to share!

"Worthiness, in very simple terms, means, I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting."

-esther hicks

scrunched faces...

i walked this morning...and felt like a misfit.
yeah.
there was that feelin' again.
the loner misfit.

then i looked up at the sky.
i looked real hard.
at one point, i could feel my face all scrunched up,
concentrating.
what was i looking for?

myself.
i wanted to SEE who i was.

i liked who i was.
i actually did.
ha.
go figure.
and i was okay with not quite fitting in.

i noticed how hard i was workin' on that as a car
drove by and i realized my face musta looked really strange.

grin.

it was a big deal for me.

that feelin'...the loner misfit one....has always spiraled me
into bad places.
not this time.

this time it brought me to the sky.
and it brought me to seein' me a little bit more.
and it brought me to bein' okay.

very cool indeed.
maybe we just need to scrunch the face, concentrate,
look to the sky.....and see.

lessons from the universe...

teach me how to love, she said.
teach me purity of heart, she asked.

and the world fell apart.
everything she knew changed.

she learned to start anew.
begin over.

she thought the hard part was over.
she thought she made it thru the explosion,
grieved the losses, survived the earth quake.

oh, no, little grasshopper,
that was only clearing of the slate....
the real work was about to begin.

now you'll learn to have a true loving relationship.
and it will bring you to your knees,
knock you down over and over again....
but if you master it, girl.....
you will have learned what you asked for.

if you only have the strength to love beyond yourself,
you will find the answers...

brighter and brighter...

i had already started changing my dark mood
into something lighter.......

when there she was.
on the other end of the phone.
just exactly who i needed to hear.

she's the one that i've walked thru hell and back
with. her hell. my hell. it didn't matter. we shared
hells at different times. and we learned so much about
each other and ourselves along the way.

and i guess you don't do that without gaining some
kinda really cool rythym. she brought up a touchy subject
this morning. i just groaned.
she groaned. and off we went into a fit of laughter.

laughter changes everything.
having someone 'get' you changes everything.

and the day just gets brighter and brighter.....

getting on my nerves......

okay.
so the word's startin' to get on my nerves.
'focusing.'

i'm gettin' real tired of it.

it enters my brain so much and reminds me
to either focus in the right place or else it
reminds me that i'm not and i'm making a choice.

ugh.

it's a lotta work either way.

so i just found a cheater's way out......
focus on something else all together!

is that cheating or putting my energy somewhere
where it will grow today?

prolly both.

but what the heck....
i'm gonna focus on something clear and easy
today that makes me happy.

well.....maybe that's part of the whole darn
focusing thing anyway! maybe it's not cheating.
maybe it's exactly right.

and the day suddenly got brighter.....

weeding my driveway

sometimes when you've tried your hardest,
given a ton, and still feel like there's
mountains ahead of you.....all you can do
is go out and weed your driveway.

and sometimes weeding your driveway, fixing
your gutters, and workin' on your house is
exactly perfect.

if i can't quite get the house of my self
straight right away, i can work on my home.

and know it will all come together in time......

not exactly perfect

life's not always perfect, is it?
wait a minute.....is it EVER perfect?!

after a not so perfect day i come back to the idea
of focusing.

what is it i want to focus on?
where is it i want to go?

and so i'm going to look at all the incredible good
that happened today....

and remember that love keeps on trying.

life is short

woke up kinda unsure of the day....
no.
VERY unsure of the day.
thinking that i'm going to either spend the day facing
things that are really hard for me, or ignoring things
that are really hard for me.
don't feel much like doin' either.

my insides are spinnin' so much, i haven't been able to
settle 'em in to look at them.

and then i get a note from a girlfriend. a beautiful, long
note that tells me she was thinking of me last nite as she
listened to another friend figure out his worth. his value.
his deserving of the good.

i cried as i read the note. she ended it with reminding me
that life is short. reminded me of the recent losses in my
life....and that i really don't have all the time in the world.

shoot. i'm tryin'. i'm tryin'.

but not hard enough.
cause i don't want to try today.

part of me is sayin' 'that's okay. take a break from tryin'.
you can't try all the time. you need to take a break.'

i like that idea.

and i truly believe there's times for breaks.
i also know today isn't one of those times.

i think because i've stirred up some big stuff, because
i've touched some of my really raw spots, that i have
the chance to get somewhere now.

here's the thing that fascinates me......

when it gets really hard to do.....why do i want to stop so
badly? why is it so hard for me to push thru?
do i want the change or not?

i think back to birthing my sons. when it got really tough,
i got really quiet, focused only on working with my self,
and did what i had to do. the determinatiion to do what had
to be done drove me beyond anything i could have imagined.

will i do the same to birth myself?

as my friend so lovingly reminded me.....life is short.

half seeing

how much do we want to see?
how much can't we see?
and how much difference would it make if
we could see the things we're missing?

i look inside me and around me and i see
a whole ton of half understanding, half looking,
half holding.

watching it today in two people i care about,
i was amazed. it was so obvious and they had
no clue.

it felt hopeless.
as i sit here and think about it, i worry
about my own seeing.
is it that hopeless???

is the desire to see enough?
i don't think it can be.
there has to be more.
but what?

an open heart?
a willingness to let go of preconceived ideas?
a willingness to throw the safety net away?

maybe....

i don't know....
but i so want to be able to see better.....

can i?
will i?
when i think of today and what i watched, i think
i just have to. i just have to.

again.....it's entirely up to me, isn't it?

the tidy bowl man and me

just cleaning my bathroom and had a memory flash
thru that made me laugh.

i remember tellin' a friend about someone i met who
was rich. to gauge how wealthy, my friend asked
'you mean like she's never had to clean a toilet, right?'

oh man.
i remember that moment.
time stood still as soon as she said that.
i was floored.

you mean there are people in the world who have never
cleaned a toilet???

i was stuck.
just couldn't move on in the conversation.

you're kiddin' me.
really???

and now that i think about it....i bet my dad
never cleaned a toilet. and now that i'm really
thinking, i think i have a brother who may never
have either.

ohmygosh.

i'm kinda thinking.....EVERYONE needs to clean
a toilet.

this seems really funny to me.....and incredibly
profound. which makes me laugh harder.

okay, i got a date with the tidy bowl man....

something i can control

watchin' around me and inside of me,
and thinking...

was wonderin' where all those fairy tale type
endings were. not just with me....all around me.
then it kinda hit me.
what would i rather watch? a fairy tale movie or
a movie about courage and strength that was complicated
and intricate and unpredictable.

well, yeah, i wanted the fairy tale.

grin.
just kidding.
i want the intricate unpredictable.
the stuff that builds souls.

that led me to think about strength and power.
i do believe the 'bad guys' can win.

that's a fairly new belief of mine, and one that
has come hard and shaken me to the core.

but now, instead of wallowing in the fear of that
thought....i am now turning to questions that can
get me somewhere with it all.

how much can they take?
how much do they win?

maybe that's where the power is. and maybe that's
all we ever have control over.

do we let them destroy our lives, or do we take
control over that?

i want control so much in my life. if that's the only
place i have any, why would i let it go because
it's hard work????

sounds so clear when i type it out. then i go to three
different life situations i know of. one of my own, two
of friends around me. and none of them are clear,
the obstacles incredibly big, with heartbreak mixed
thru all of them.

there lies the soul making stuff.

how much am i going to let them win?
how much am i going to let them take?
how much am i going to give away?

that's my choice, isn't it?
no one else's.

as i watch my friends with their struggles.....
i see clearly.......it's up to us.

time to actively do something about it all.
at least, for me it is.....

i don't think i can passively shake it all from me.
i just have to figure out what 'actively' would be
for this......

ideas are already starting to come in...
thinking i just need to open my heart and listen right
now.