bucket lists!

had a friend over tonite for dinner.
i've known him since we were 15 years old!
he turned 47 this past week and we were
celebrating.....wow. that in itself is just
mind boggling.

we were all sittin' around the table talking...
one thing led to another and before you know
it i was all inspired about life!

i thought of that movie 'the bucket list'....
haven't seen it, but i love the idea.
where you make a list of things you want to do
before you die. then you go do them!!

i don't know....sitting there listening to what
was up in his life, and thinking of all we've
experienced and shared over all these years...
and there's been some pretty significant things...
i just got to thinking about it all.

i absolutely want to make a bucket list.
my guy was here, his son, my sons, and the
birthday boy....i asked everyone what's something
they wanted to do before they died....

a table full of guys. there was a lotta testosterone
answers. sky diving, those kinda things....
my mind went wild. but not with that stuff...

what a great question, ya know?
and we're gearin' into the end of the year...
it's just a great time to think about it all.

i am going to start a list. gonna try to have it
pretty much together by new years!

i've known this guy for 32 years!!! what will the
next 32 bring? and what is it i'd so not want to
miss???

ahhhhhhhh gonna curl in tonite and relish the question.

back flips on the trapeze

sittin' here mullin' the complications of people....

discussin' a 'situation' this morning on the phone.
he described the two incredibly different view points
of an event that happened.

immediately, my mind muddled big time and jammed in that
place it jams....which usually gets me into trouble.

it's that place that believes if we all just communicate
clearly with each other, and we all understand each other,
then things will be okay.

doesn't that seem logical?!
yeah, right.

but i think the problem with that is it totally ignores
that everyone has a different agenda and that agenda
usually has ties with personal baggage.

that just seems to be the way people operate.
doesn't mean there can't be good people and good happenings
without weird strings....but i do think there's a whole
lot of connections in everything we do that we don't
even realize at times.

feeling the huge muddle come over me i asked him
'does this get you muddled or can you stay clear?'

both apparently.

i think he stays clear mostly, but it's harder for him.
shows him how complicated it all is.

he doesn't feel the need to do the back flips that i have
done in the past to try to communicate with people.
i have always admired that in him. and he's taught me
a lot on passin' on the back flips.

it's funny....i never thought about it before....
but back flips haven't once worked for me. not once.

anyone who could understand me, never needed a back flip.
never. maybe a hand reachin' out or a conversation.
but never a back flip or a series of back flips!

it's the people who couldn't hear or see that i did
them for.

well,hmmmmm.......that's not so brilliant, is it?

how can a back flip make someone see?
somewhere in my head there's always the voice that says:
if i word it differently, if i say it so they can understand,
if i just somehow communicate better....it'll be okay.
the back flip.

i can say it's cause i'm dense that i just haven't really
gotten the fact that i don't need to do back flips down yet.
but i think it's always been more of a need.
a need to hang on.
a need to not let go.

i just got this great visual.
picture the swinging trapeze people....
i want the person i'm swingin' with to see me.
i flip in the air, spin around, do fifteen roll overs
and then land grasping their hands and hangin' on for
dear life......

when all i really have to do is let go of the swing,
drop to the safety net, hop down to the ground,
and head on out of the circus.

definitely a visual i have to remember.
i know there'll be a time i need it......

enough

boy i'm tired.
beat.
but wanted to write this out while it was in me.

my guy and i face yet another time challenge in
our relationship. it's gonna hurt a bit and take
a chunk outta time we consider sacred between us.

but it's needed and we both understand. altho,
neither of us is too thrilled about it.

today was the first hit that we felt.

i think maybe cause it's holiday time too, that
it all really got to me. we see way too little
of each other.

i was struggling big time.
it's a bit like being a yo yo.
open your heart wide and love with all you have.
close down your heart and live the rest of your life
not missing him....

up down up down.
open close open close.

it affected me a lot today.

he was really patient. it was bothering him too so
we could talk a bit about it.
at the same time, there's other hurdles that complicate
the whole thing.

it has never been an easy journey, that's for sure.

i was so mixed up and confused today....
needing him and then not wanting to need him...
frustration...the whole deal.

then somewhere along the way i got a hold of myself
and figured it is what it is and we make it what we
make it.

we talked of that.
we both know we've got more than most anyone can ask
for. we really have something incredible between us.
we both know how lucky we are.
and we both know it's up to us to make it good.

i got up all enthused after bein' pretty blue.
let's go get some snacks and celebrate!

'what are we celebratin'?!' the guys asked......

'that there's enough!' i told them.

there's enough time.
there's enough love.
there's enough money.
there's enough of everything.

we went out and got some goofy drinks with great
titles that were symbolic.

we came home and i poured them all into wine glasses,
mixing the symbolic liquids together.

and then we all toasted life.

afterwards, we all sat around the living room chatting.
i curled in close, his arms around me...

i could feel his strength and his warmth thru his
arms...

and i knew that we did good turning some blue energy
into a party....

i focused on that and knew there'd be enough always.

gold in my hands...

some friends stopped over the day before thanksgiving.
we were in my studio talkin' about the holiday.
and i kinda just paused and looked down. when i looked
up at them and spoke, my voice cracked.
i told them that i don't ever remember a thanksgiving
where i heard that people were thankful for me like
i have this year.

i told them about my customers and how i've got incredible
people touching my life every day....and how some of them
came thru and told me they cared.

i told them how lucky i was to be able to connect with
the people i do.

they said nice things that i immediately brushed off and
then i hugged them goodbye and wished them a good holiday.

it's so much goodness to hold that i don't know what to do
with it sometimes. but i said it out loud to them. that was
pretty big for me. i said it out loud and shared it with them
because i know it's gold. even if i don't understand it, i know
i'm holdin' gold.

i felt like i was lookin' up at them sayin' 'look, wow. where'd
this come from?! it's so pretty. and it's my hands. wow. wow.'

and then just now...i read a friend's blog, and she mentioned
me on her list of gratitude things...

and the tears came to my eyes right away.

i think so much of my life was different....i was appreciated
not for who i was...but for unhealthy reasons. i figured that
out at some point and left that life.

and now....to see this all around me.....

i don't even know what to do with it.

cry a little.
feel the gratitude flood over me.
and bow down to this love that surrounds me......

oh yeah

whew!
it's been a whirlwind wonderful couple of days!
a great day yesterday with the guys....and today
we put the tree up! busy and fun! great stuff!
many laughs, much warmth.

afterwards i ran down to the studio to work on
an order. it was a big one that's in a hurry.
so i was in a hurry. and focused, and busy.

got it all packed and emailed them to let them
know. they wrote back with a story about a customer
and bone sighs.

it just made me stop.
i leaned back in my chair and just held it.

wow.

and then i got up to wrap up a web order.
i was thinking about it and just tryin' to
hold it all when a thought hit me.

i stopped in mid-tape.
and i looked up.
i remembered.
i've been so rushed. so busy.tryin' so hard
to make it all work. whatever....
i've been so whatever that i've forgotten.

none of this is mine.
it's never been.
it's always been beyond me filled with miracles.

and it hit me again.

i just stood there lookin' up towards the ceiling
and grinned.

yeah.
i forgot.
oh yeah.

okay.
okay.
i remember now.

and i'm kinda tickled i remembered.
it's much more fun when i'm on board and
understand i'm only followin'.

kinda takes that pressure off.

i felt so much more relaxed as i finished
up what i needed to do.....

it's so easy to get caught up in that
artificial stress.......

and now......
it's off for more holiday goofin' with my guys.

feelin' way way thankful.......

the start!

it's official!
it's the holidays!
right?!
day before thanksgiving?
right?
i vote it is!

i took a walk today and thought
about how to make tomorrow really
festive.

i started thinking of christmas presents.
i got some fun ones to give this year!
i just love that! i found some really
perefect goofy ones. they make me laugh and
totally tickle me.

and i started thinking about a few surprises
for the guys.

and as i came out of the shower i was singing
a christmas carol!

i do believe all of that means it's official...
it's the start of the season!

and so on this start of the season....i need to
gather my thanks together and put it out here...

and that is coming next....

grateful part one

when i gather myself to do this....the thanks thing...
i think of the year.
and that means goin' back to january.

and when i do that, wow....i see what a long road it's
been since january.

there was a lotta darkness in my life then.
someone close to me had died and people very close
to me were grieving hard....

i hated it then. i hated the whole situation. and
i struggled big time. i hung a word print over my
desk. 'acceptance.' and i struggled so hard to find
that. i kept wondering how in the world i'd ever find
acceptance.......and i kept staring at that word print.
and i honestly thought i'd never get it.

here i sit in november thinking maybe i found some big
pieces of acceptance. i don't think i have it all down.
that's a given with me. i only seem to get pieces....
but i think i got some pretty big chunks. way more than
i ever thought i could find.

it wasn't just with that happening in my life. the year
has actually been full of 'acceptance challenges' and
i'm thinking if we actually do get certain lessons taught
to us...this one has been my 2008 lesson.

i know i'll get many more in that department. but i'm
struck with that this morning....

and the funny thing? i wanted it so badly, had no idea how
to get it, struggled so hard with it....and somehow, quietly,
it slipped in the back door and sat in my bones waiting for
me to notice it had entered.

is that how it always works?!

so, the first thing that comes to my mind in giving thanks
this year is being grateful for the challenges.

wow.
go figure.
i wouldn't have said that as i went thru them...
but yeah....i am.

to my challenges this year....i bow down to you
and thank you.

more thanks...

i just realized that i'm a bean brain.
well....i knew that.......but sometimes i
notice it more than others.

the thanks posts will be scattered here.
mish mash. just figure it's artsy!
at least it's not upside down! (yeah, that's
a joke for a friend....)

bone sigh arts comes to mind on the thankful
list!

oh yeah, there's the constant daily gratitude of
the business payin' my bills and heatin' my house.
that's forever.

but there's the quieter things about it that i'm
noticing today....

it challenges me constantly to keep my heart open
and not be tight and self centered. it's my constant
warning signal for when i'm goin' in the wrong direction.
it makes me stop and ask 'is your heart open, ter?'
'are you giving freely?'

to have something in your life that constantly reminds
you like that....well.....that has got to be one of the
best things you can have. and i've got it.

that's so darn awesome cool!

and then......it's my teacher of trust.

it's been a slow year....this holiday season is stunning
in how slow! but the slow began months and months ago.

the fear did set in.
and the kids nudged me big time on that one.
they reminded me of all i had learned along the way with
bone sighs and all the miracles that happen constantly
thru it.

and the trust came back.
and it's stayed!
right thru this quiet holiday time.
i know we're okay.

bone sigh arts is no way just a business....
it's part of me...and it's beyond me....
it's my sanity....it's my insanity.
it's my anchor....it's my sail.

sitting here, i realize what a gift it is in my life.
and i realize that doubting it is like slapping it in
the face....

there isn't a speck of doubt in me this morning...

just a whole lotta gratitude.

to bone sigh arts...i bow down and thank you!

and more thanks....

the gorillas!
my babies!
the guys......

yeah.......they are so all over the list of thanks
it's crazy!

never have i experienced such goodness as when i'm
with my guys. honestly. they are my source of goodness.

their hearts are big and open and kind and loving.
and when we're together...it's the most wonderful thing.

josh moves out in a month...
and yet we've decided the fun must continue and so we
have plans for more fun just in a different way...

i know there are major changes coming and we'll never
be able to keep the same kinda time together....

but i also know that what's between us is remarkable.
and will adapt and be equally as wonderful wherever they
are.

to have three sons who i respect, admire, enjoy and
love like i do....well, gosh....it's kinda overwhelming.
they are truly the beat of my heart.

and yet more thanks...

my guy....well, we knew he'd be all over the list
of thanks!

i was with him last nite...we were talkin'
about stuff. we were nice and cozy close, eyeball
to eyeball...and i talked of wanting to grow.
and i looked at him and told him he knew more than
anyone else all my stumblings, and that it was
almost embarrassing to be tellin' him how i want
to grow knowing he knew all the ins and outs of
how i work....

the gold to that is the word 'almost'...it wasn't
really embarrassing, because he's my safe spot.
he's where i can be a mess and still believe that
i'm okay.

that doesn't come easy. and we've worked hard for
that spot.

there have been so many times this year that i just
didn't want to have to do the work one more time.
and yet we did.

results?
yes.
definitely.

i think about when i talk of him and i touching love.
it's an odd thing to say.
we have love between us all the time.
i believe that.

but i also think that there's layers to love.
and when you get way way down deep...the deepest part
is also god.

i don't know how to explain that.
cause it's not a thing i can put into words.

there have been times where i felt like i touched god.

and sometimes, with that guy of mine, sometimes...
in very amazing moments...
i feel like we take our hands together and we brush
the face of god....

wow.
to experience that with your partner....

well.....kinda makes ya think you got a lot to be
thankful for, doesn't it?

and finally!

ya thought i'd never shut up, didn't you?

well....i wanted to end the list of thanks on you guys,
my friends.

i have this ghost inside of me....one of the monsters...
the biggest scariest monster i've got...

the one that tells me that i'm really not loveable.
the one that tells me that no one can really love me.
it comes out sometimes and scares me...and it can
haunt me at different moments....

but i'm makin' progress with it....and more and more
i know i'm loved.

one of the things that i do when i'm feeling self doubt
is i think of my friends.

the crew of people in my life is astounding.
some i've never met in person, some i've known since i
was a girl, some for just a few years....some for
just a few weeks....

the love that you guys show me is incredible.

the notes, the calls, the gifts, the words, the thoughts,
the prayers, the vibes...all the giving of love in different
forms...has changed my life.

it honestly has changed my life.

sometimes i just wish that i could let you know that your
kindness that you've shown me matters more than you can
imagine....you are so powerful in your love you give me.

if we only knew how powerful love in the form of friendship
is....

i am so grateful for all you've given me, and all you've
shared with me...

to my friends....i bow down to you and thank you.

that yin yangy man of mine.....

i remember the first thing i ever noticed about him.
i remember standing in my living room talking to him
and thinking 'wow, he has intense eyes.'

that was long before i fell in love with him.
or maybe that's the moment i fell.
who can tell?

driving home tonite i was thinking of his eyes.

sometimes they're so intense they scare me.
or maybe it's that they unnerve me.

somehow they remind me that i really don't have
a lot of power. that i'm really way more helpless
than i like to think....

i don't have a wand, i can't change it, i can't fix
it, and words don't do a whole lotta good.

and just like everything about our relationship,
it's that yin yangy stuff...

his eyes remind me of my limitations and keep me humble.
his eyes burn thru my limitations and make me powerful.

i saw some of his depths in his eyes tonite.
i saw some of mine.

i couldn't resist!

okay.
i've been tellin' myself no.
not yet.
no.
wait.

and then i turned to do my books.
numbers.
yeah.
i'm okay with numbers.
even like doin' them sometimes...

but they need a little zest today.

so.
okay.
i'm all alone here.
and well.
i couldn't reisist.
i did it!
yeah.
i did.

i put on christmas music!!!!!!!!

yes!!!!!!!
i did!

BEFORE THANKSGIVING!

ohmygosh.

i feel like a sneaky little girl.
and it feels sooooooooo fun!

smells......

i posted on a way cool shop a few days ago....
and sweet mary left a comment about a shop
she remembered, how lovely it smelled, and asked
what this shop smelled like......

sooooo i had to ask!

this is what dani, the shop owner wrote back!

That's kind of what we have here. A scent that stirs a 'womanspirit' remembering - of the places our souls have always known, the connections we have always had - the sacred and divine. What does Three Sisters' Spirit smell like? Earthy and Ethereal. It smells like the sacred breath of stillness; sweet grass, of the healing circles; sage and cedar, the ancient grandmothers; roses and lavender, the fertile earth; rosemary and patchouli. Close your eyes, breathe into your heart, and let your soul remember it.

Ahhhhhh...................


not bad, huh?!
think we're all gonna need to visit at some point!

dani's shop
mary's blog

touching love....

ha!
something way way cool happened today!
and it's not even noon!

how to explain.....hmmmmm.....

there's a hard thing that's been goin' on
since i've met him. it's prolly one of the
main reasons we got to know each other.
and one of the reasons i thought we'd never
make it together....

it's been many many hours of conversations.
many many tears and sorrow. a whole boat load
of frustration, a mountain of patience, and miles
and miles of screwin' up on everybody's part.

i don't know how many times i've had the thought
that we won't be able to weather it. that it will
pull us apart.

and today....as clear as clear could be....i saw
how far he and i had come with it. and i saw how
much he and i had grown thru it.

and i was dazzled by what we had done together between
us. it has been no easy task, that's for sure.
and it ain't over. that's for sure too. but it's the first
time i ever really saw what we had built between us
with all of this.

i called to check on him.
asked him how he was.
nervous was the answer.

and somehow i understood that nothing else mattered
except that he be allowed to do whatever he needed
to do his way. even if that meant doing nothing.

i opened the gate, cleared away the weeds,
spread a blanket, and said i just wanna be your friend.
i'll hang here as long as you need me to.

he understood what i was putting aside, he understood
where we'd been and all that we've been thru.
he acknowledged it in his own way and took his spot
on the blanket.

the hard part is in front of him.
there will be much darkness coming his way.

but all these years we've been workin' on it....
one thing got prepared without me even knowing it...
us.
me.

whether he walks straight into the darkness,
or he lets the mist surround him slowly....

it's up to him.

somewhere i learned something thru all of this.

i learned to allow it. i saw that today.
wow.
i couldn't believe it.

funny.
all these years i looked for a different outcome.
i looked for different lessons.
i looked for others to learn love.

silly girl....
it's me who learned.
and i certainly didn't do it the easy way!

allowing someone the space they need to be.

another thing that sounds pretty and i like to think
i do....

but it's moments like this i know it didn't come
easy.....and it certainly wasn't natural for me...

but together....he and i did it.
together, today on that phone....we touched love.

the start of a day....

maybe it's cause the holidays are comin....
maybe it's cause i'm a knucklehead...
but i started thinking about how fast
the time goes as i walked this morning.

sometimes that can totally freak me out.
felt the freak out comin' and just relaxed
a bit. told myself to work on the gratitude.
appreciate all that has filled that fleeting
time...

i did pretty good.

and then i walked back by the place where they're
cuttin' all the trees down.
wow.
first time i went by it this morning, it was such
a shocker i just kinda put my head down and kept
walkin'. didn't want to see what they were doin'.

on my way back, i looked over.
i couldn't believe how quickly they have teared down
that beautiful woods.

and the memories started in.
the kids and i played a lot in those woods.
i even got us all lost in them once...
i started remembering.

and i looked at how they just came in and plowed
it all down.

the tears started fallin' down my face.

the whole thing......the destruction, the greed,
the taking away, the time passing so quickly,
everything changing....

as i walked back to my house i reminded myself
that nothing ever stays the same. it's always
changing. all you can do is go forward.

and live every moment fully.

zakk was in the kitchen when i walked back in.
'ZACHARY!' i shouted.
he turned towards me and started swingin' those
fists.

his way of sayin' hello.

i swung back, slugged him a few times and smiled....

all you can do is live every moment fully....
and appreciate what you've got.

i've got a lot.
i'm gonna concentrate on that....

life is weird.

tons happened today.
many blogfulls......
i came down here to write some of it....
but called his crazy old uncle first.

i was worried about him and wanted to check in
and make sure he was okay. thought for sure his
heart would be filled with sadness over saying
goodbye to his brother in law.

yeah. well.
guess not.

i don't remember ever laughing so hard with him
before....

i'm in the middle of a conversation with him
seriously wondering which one of us has lost our
marbles.

honestly.

nothing was making sense.
and everything was funny.

well....almost everything.

it started out a little rough.
okay.....
for me.....it was way rough.

just some sorta self centered self consumed stuff that
felt really icky to me.

and i was just too tired to try to sort it out and
put a wall up against it.

so i sorta just slumped down and laughed.

it worked really well.

i figure there's a lesson in there for me.....
my general way of dealing with the ick is guard my
heart, put a few walls up...get quiet...that kinda thing....

maybe the ol' slump down, too tired to build a wall,
let's laugh at the absolute insanity of it all method
is way more fun!

life is weird.
it is so darn weird.

cold.

perfect morning for me to think about coldness.
i don't have any heat in here right now!
ahhh.....
a wee bit nippy in here.
yo's off to get pellets for the pellet stove,
so in just a bit i'll be toasty.

for now, coldness is on my mind.

wrote a note this morning to someone, explaining
to her that some people find me cold and uncaring.

it's kinda weird.
one thing i know is that i'm very warm and loving.
and i care a whole lot.
but yeah, there's those who view me differently.
and if i stood in their shoes, i might too.

because they don't know. they don't know my heart.
they don't know my stories. they just see bits
and pieces of an outside story.

they don't know what i'm tryin' to do with that
story. they don't know that i'm tryin' to live love.

it's got me thinking.

about the cold people.

we all know them.

but do we?

do we know them as much as these people know me?

wow.
wouldn't that be weird?

wouldn't that be weird if the people i view as
cold and uncaring are as warm and caring as i am?!

why not?
if those people can be so wrong about me....
can't i be so wrong about these other people?

hmmmmmm......
it's got me wondering.

it's got me wondering a lot.

we don't really know, do we?

and what if we approached it totally differently?

i gotta watch for that.
it could be a really interesting twist, couldn't it?

it all just is

two big emotions were swirling inside of me when
i started my walk.

there was a heavy dark kinda emotion. sad, frustrated,
angry, sorrowful....feeling very different
and alienated from a situation. feeling like it was
a big example of good not winning out.

and there was the beautiful, loving, kindness of
another situation that overwhelmed me and reminded me
that kindness matters. love does affect things.

talk about opposites. and there they were.

i thought about them as i passed the turn in my road.
they're tearin' the trees down there. i don't talk about
it much as it breaks my heart. i walked and looked over
amazed at how they've just flattened the forest......

a car pulled up, a neighborhood guy goin' to work. don't
know him, just a guy who drives by in the morning.
he rolled down his icy window and commented on the change
of scenery there. i said how sad it was and he shook his
head real sad like. we just shared this moment where we
both understood the sadness of the trees goin.......
and then we moved on.

i thought about him as i walked.
thought about how i don't know him. but how we feel the same.
and how there for a moment it was totally open in our feelings
about that.

i thought about people and what's inside us and how it's
all the same....
but how it comes out so differently.

i thought about frustration at the differences in people
and the good not seeming to win out so many times.

stood at my goodmorningworld spot and thought about it not
being that easy.

it wasn't all good that lost in that situation i came on
my walk with.
it's not just a question of good and bad.
it's muddy and gray inbetween. there's decisions
and reactions, and events and comments and undercurrents
and things we don't even realize. it's not all good.
it's not all bad.

we're all the same.
reacting to things we don't even understand half the time.

i took it all and held it.

how do i take these emotions and not become a victim of them?

how do i hold situations that break my heart and not
spend the day heartbroken?

maybe i look at them and accept them.
maybe i concentrate on understanding that we all are
the same....just acting way different.
and maybe i focus on being as healthy as i can be today.
making me all that i want to be.

because that's all i can do.

and when people come by and roll down their icy windows
and share their sadness...i'll share mine too.
and i'll know that we're all really the same.

and it really all just is.

as i walked and thought about this i walked back by
the spot they're clearing. i heard the sound of the trees
being broken.

my heart broke a little more with that sound.

it all just is, i told myself.....

way cool shop owner

there's a new shop owner who has totally stolen my
heart. i love this woman!
she wrote me the most beautiful note.
i want to put the whole thing up here....but don't
think that's exactly appropriate.

here tho......is a line from it.
i had to share..

What do we have to offer the world?
Our hearts. And that, is all we need to remember
because that, all by itself is much, much more than
enough. That is everything.

i just love her.
and i actually get to work with her.
how cool is that?!

visit her shop here!

emotional victim? no thanks!

so i told him about some changes inside me.
how i processed stuff when things bothered me.
how i noticed i could separate stuff better.
and how it happened just that morning with
him.

told him about it for an example.

his delight tickled me.

usually i'm the one who says 'this is huge!'

this time it was him.
he said exactly that.
'this is huge, ter!'

he said 'it means you won't be a victim of
your emotions.'

wow.
i hadn't thought of it that way.
but he's right.

i'm learnin' to separate the feelings from
the reality.

understanding that there are big differences
sometimes.

doesn't mean i've got this down like a pro
by any means. but it means i've begun.

for example.......
he said somethihng to me yesterday that pushed
my buttons big time. i could feel the hurt go
all over me. that feeling i knew so well.

but i stopped and said 'wait. it's not what it
feels like.'

and i thought it thru.
i knew the deal. i knew what was real.
it felt entirely different to me because of past
things, past hurts. but those feelings really did
not coincide with the reality of the situation.

and i could see that!

so i stopped, thought it thru and put it aside.

the putting aside isn't totally easy.
i still felt some discomfort.
but told myself i wasn't going to hold it.
and i refocused to what i believed to be true.

and that worked.

it actually worked!

and that wasn't the first time that's happened.

in the last two weeks, i've seen it several times!

big changes!

and the whole 'victim of my emotions' line....
that's really a powerful thought.

i sure don't want to be any kinda victim.
so there's more fuel to keep this goin'!

it's definitely creating my own reality and
believing in the good.......

i'm kinda excited.

we looked at each other and grinned.
we both knew this holiday season holds some
big challenges for me.
and we both knew this could really make a
difference.

could be a darn good season after all, we said.

and i think it just might be!

feelin' festive.........

gosh, it felt festive today!
christmas shopping on line, my girlfriend
droppin' in for tea, josh's buds over recordin'
music, food everywhere, and hangin' christmas
lights outside!

it really felt good.......

last THREE chirstmases have had significant
deaths right around them.

my gosh.

it's time for a fun holiday season!
thanksgiving and christmas are all one big
thing to me.....

and it started!
i'm so tickled!

it's time for some fun!

saturday inspiration

i'm not exactly sure how i feel about the
idea that we all have a purpose to serve.
or we all have something we are sposed to
bring to the world.

i think i shy away from that because it sounds
kinda rule oriented and like we have to or
something like that.

but the idea of 'offering' caught my heart
awhile back. offering something to the world.
it sounds more like it's an option. i like the
wording better. to me, it's beautiful.

and i've spent time trying to figure out what
i could offer. frustrated myself silly tryin'
to figure that out. and yes, ended up writing
a bone sigh about it!!!

flippin thru this book this morning (dawna markova's
book 'i will not die an unlived life') she touches
on it with some fantastic quotes.

'aristotle said that one's purpose is merely a matter
of knowing where one's talents and the needs of the
world intersect. the ancients recognized that cultivating,
developing and setting free one's gifts was the essential
labor of one's life.'

"we don't have to find our purpose, it is a current in our
souls the way blood courses thru our veins; that all we have
to do is let it find us.'

and finally....

'....the purpose of life is to learn to love, to discover
just how much of god's love each of us can allow to flow
thru with no interference on our part.'

inspiration for my saturday........
off to open up to it all today......

holiday preparations

some memories had come up recently of
the hard time in my life....
and even tho it all hurt bad at the time,
i feel okay about it.

i never quite know how to articulate that.

well....i just opened a book and bam right
there i have this part underlined....
ohhhhhhh had to share!

'crisis can force us deep enough to find out
who we really are and what we truly love,
and it is here, where there are no masks,
no one else's values or beliefs, that passion
lives.'

wow.
that's it!
there's something to that, isn't there?
there's something big to that!

as i'm gettin' ready for thanksgiving in my
heart over here, i honestly feel grateful
for that time of darkness in my life....

i've felt gratitude before. knowing i was
going in the right direction...but this time...
maybe cause i'm far enough down the road from
it, i can look and smile.

my life has changed a lot. i used to be busy
at this point planning and already starting
the cooking for thanksgiving. definitely cleaning
already....

i won't be doin' that this year. it's real simple
and easy. i'm enjoyin' that part. but i want to
prepare for the holiday....i like the preparation
part. the anticipation.

so i decided to prepare my heart as well as i used
to prepare my house.....

preparations begin today!
think it's gonna be kinda fun!

gonna let the guys know....i'm sure there will
be lotsa teasing and lotsa challenging me....

it'll be all part of it....
gonna bring one heck of an open and grateful heart
to the feast this week......

just mulling a bit.....

i tried for a zestful day...
got emotion packed instead.
close?
prolly not really.
but you get what you get sometimes.

something came up today that hit a chord
inside of me that gets hit too often.

it's the balancing act of the child like
part that just wants to play and enjoy
everyone....and the adult part that knows
there has to be rules on that. and sometimes
you just can't play.

gosh i find that so difficult.

it's the balance stuff.
i really just don't seem to be so good at
that. and it's the squashing of play...
i get so sad when play is viewed as not okay.

and normally when i hit this spot, i roll
right into self doubt and think i'm just a
freak that will never fit in.

yeah, i rolled in there today. but i didn't
stay! that right there is progress. i felt it.
it's that old familiar feeling that just covers
ya up. i felt it.

but something that's been goin on lately....
i've been feelin' things, noticing things and
then pushing them aside a whole lot easier and
faster than usual. sometimes anyway.

i did it today....didn't hold on to the freak
feeling....but did acknowledge the sadness at
the loss of play...and allowed that.

it's like i took the unhealthy and set it aside,
and still allowed sadness.

i separated them. and discarded part.

woe.
go figure.
that's kinda cool.
i don't remember doin' that before.

and i noticed something.
the sadness at not being able to play....
it's big.
it's deep.
and it's got to mean something.

i'm an adult woman. i'm not a kid.
why is there such a huge part of me that
just wants to have fun and love everyone
and have everyone get along and play together
nicely?!!! what planet am i from sometimes???

how is it there's such a little kid inside of me??

my guy likes that part of me. if i cover it up
for some reason he says he misses it and i'm not
the same.....he says it's a good thing and he hopes
i never lose it....

i'm thinking it's kinda a weird thing and i'm wonderin'
why i have it.....

i don't mean that in a bad way where i'm belittling
myself. i mean that in a really curious kinda way.

what's kept that part there?
and why does that part get so hurt when it can't
come out and play?

why are there some parts that stay and some parts
that go and how do i nurture it all to keep it, but
keep it in a healthy way?

who the heck knows.
i don't.

but i think i wanna give it all some thought.

there's a lotta parts to me.
i want to pay attention to them and honor them
and love them and maybe provide my own play when
the rest of the world is busy being grown up....

wouldn't that be cool?
my own best friend.
for real.
right inside me.

right inside me in the world where love always wins
and play is always welcome.......

zest!

a whole day ahead and so much i want to do
with it!

i actually skipped my walk and got a little
extra sleep. felt kinda delicious....

was sposed to be travelin' today, so bein'
home feels like a gift!

i'm gonna seize the gift and do a zillion
wonderful things with it.

and each thing i do today, i want to do with
zest and joy.

hmmmmmm.........gonna put a note in front of
my face here that says ZEST!

what a great word that is!
when's the last time you had a zest filled day?

i gotta tell ya......i can only think of
zest filled moments or zest filled happenings...
but not zest filled days.

well.....today's the day!

thinkin' ZEST!

an important blog entry

it's been a long day.
heavy in my mind, but tryin' to be light
for everyone around me...

josh told me he had written a blog on suicide
today.
he asked if it'd be okay.
absolutely.

i saved it until now to read.

it made me kinda sick to my stomach...
cause it brought back the moment.
he brought it right back for me.

but that's okay.
cause it's been hovering all day.
all week.

it's an important blog.
take some time and read it.
it matters.

let's be sure we hear the cries for help.....

click here.

my highlight of the day...

he's way more enlightened than i am.
even tho i call him a neanderthal.
and he IS one.
but he's an enlightened neanderthal.

he's always accepted all of me.
never tried to change me.
knew that all the parts equaled the
sum.

i, on the other hand, have had some
struggles with accepting all of him.
the hunter part him challenged the vegetarian
part of me from day one.

it's been a gradual accepting for me...
and i had it down pretty good. but not
bone deep. definitely not bone deep.

but one day this past summer, i understood.

he very sincerely tried to explain some of
his depths to me. i will never forget sitting
there outside watching him, listening to him
and realizing i would never have an understanding
of certain parts of him. and knowing that was
okay. trusting that. trusting him.

it was an important day in my life.

today, that day came back to me and made me laugh
with joy.

the highlight of my day today was when i was
challenged about my acceptance of this hunter
in my life.

i had absolutely no problem in replying.
i wasn't defensive, i wasn't harsh, i wasn't
anything but comfortable with loving this man.

i was at total ease.
i saw it, heard it, felt it,
and i reveled in it.

when i relayed the conversation back to him
and he said 'did you REALLY say that?' and
i heard how tickled he was.....i couldn't have
felt any better.

i asked him 'do you get it? do you really get
how cool this is??'

and he did.
and i did.
and it is.

loving someone isn't changing someone or wanting
them to change. it isn't asking them to see life
like you do.

that's really nice and pretty to say....
but not so easy to honestly do.

it's taken me years to get to the point where
i got it with him. i really got it.

and today, on a day i've been mourning the loss of
someone who wasn't seen, i think it is particularly
signficant.

we are all beautiful....in our own darn way.

changes

ohmygosh!
my trip's canceled!
snow!

josh came home last nite and told me
he doubted i'd be goin'....
we checked the weather.
i kept thinking 'i really can't...but....'
'terri, you can't go, you know you can't
go, what are you goin' back and forth about?!'

i just didn't want to cancel.
showered, tried to be reasonable about it...
okay. will go do a final check.

and there she was.
SHE canceled!
boy that helped me out.
i just didn't want to be the one to do it.

i called her.

we were all so dumb.
we shoulda done it last nite!
none of us were thinking. we all thought
today and tonite...

no.
of course not.
last nite.
last nite was the nite she died.
we just didn't know until today.
we found out today.

i don't know how that got by every single
one of us. but it did.
maybe it had to....
maybe it just had to....

so she told me about her nite....
and she told me she was okay now.
she was on safe ground now.
she made it thru.

and we talked about the process of
making it thru....

it's been one heck of a year.

she made it thru last nite.
she made it thru last year.

what a journey.

and the day opens up and changes for me.

and now....i turn to someone else who's day
is really hard today.
already called her......she's sick.
of course.
she was headin' back to bed.
if she's up for it, i'll visit later.
if not, i'll do a phone visit.

her pain also centered around a death.
both deaths significant to me.
way signficant.

and somewhere today i will take the time
to touch my own pain about these deaths.
sometime today i'll give myself what i'm
giving these others....some love.

i know to do that now.

what a journey.

tomorrow....

headin' out tomorrow to go be with them.
distract them. laugh with them. be silent
with them. just be with them.
they don't want to think about it or cry
about it or remember it. my job is to
distract.

it's the year anniversary of their daughter's
death. i can't get it off my mind. it's been
up front for days and days.

and yet tomorrow, i need to pretend it doesn't
exist.

life is so odd.

but that's what they need. and this one isn't
about me. so i'll go distract.
and i'll stay the nite and sit up late and
talk and play cards and hang out in my jammies.

and then i'll drive home.

it's the drive i'm looking forward to. all by
myself for hours and hours both ways.

i need it.
i need the time alone.
i need the time to think.
i need the time to hold their daughter close
in my heart and remember.

someone needs to remember tomorrow.
they will when they can. they will at some point.
but until then....i will do it for them.
no.
not for them.
for her.

i will do it for her.

i so wish i coulda done what she needed when
she was here....i still question if i coulda.
that will forever haunt me.

and so, i sit and think tonite....
and i think of all that i hold precious.
and all that i can do now.

i just let my guy know what a treasure he is.
i really tried to let him know.

can i let you know? most of you who read this
silly thing are friends. friends who reach out
with love and support.....friends who color
my world beautiful. friends that i hold precious.

and now...onto my kids.... a few good punches
and tellin' them how much i love them....

i've seen something real clearly today....
i am surrounded with incredible love.
and i understand how important that is.

i am going to hold that on this trip of mine.....
and i'm going to hold their daughter.

maybe that makes a difference far away somewhere
that i don't even know about....somewhere where
maybe she is....

woe ho ho ho ho!

he started it, and i can't wait to tell him!
he says to me this morning 'tell me how your
monsters are.'

it was that asking that made me take that
question on my walk. i was so tickled he asked.
he used to stand back with this kinda scared
look on his face when i'd talk about things...
now, even tho he doesn't work this way, he'll
speak my language to me. i love that.

so i started out loving him and grinnin' at
his question....but then it turned into a whole
lot more!!!

hang on......this could be a really really really
big one.....

how WERE my monsters?!

i did a visual....
went and visualized my worst monster.
the thing inside me that feels the deepest,darkest,
scariest.
that right off is hard for me to do.
cause i have to go there to do that....
i just went to the edges. and visualized what it would
look like in monster form.

did pretty good as my stomach got a little sick.

AND THEN....
i had a little, tiny terri girl stand in front of it.

ohhhhhh......
wow.

i gotta say, it was a stroke of genius or some very
good luck OR maybe a nudge from the universe!!!

cause, this little tiny terri girl melts my heart.
i honestly do love that little girl. she's so precious.
i honestly just see goodness in her.

and there she stood.
and there it stood.

oh ho ho ho ho.

i can't tell ya the rest. it's just too corny.
everyone would roll their eyes.
let's just say......i traveled miles today inside
myself and finding a way to love my parts.

BUT!
THAT'S NOT EVEN THE BIGGEST NEWS!!!!
AND THAT'S HUGE NEWS RIGHT THERE!!!

i haven't thought this all the way thru.
i really hope it's true. cause i'm so darn excited
about it.

there i am lost in this visual, melting my insides...
when bam! i'm knocked flat on my back with the most
amazing thought!

i've been grieving the loss of the belief that love
wins out. talked about this many times....it's been
a really hard thing for me to hold....that it doesn't.
that bad wins too and that love can't cure everything.

well.....hold on to your hat, ter!

WHAT IF IT CAN INSIDE OF YOU?!

oh.my.gosh.
flat on my back!

what?!

what if all your demons can be tamed with it?
what if all the wars and struggles inside yourself
can be calmed with it? what if everything changes
with it?!

self love.

shoot.
that darn self love.
but it seems so exciting this morning.

there's little terri....and she is love. she is goodness.
and she's facing my worst fear....and my worst fear is
putty in her hands.

ohmygosh.

what if little terri....what if the good part of me, the
love part of me, the pure part of me....what if that part
can touch the other parts?????

the dark parts???

does that mean love CAN change everything?
does that mean the good does win out?!
does that mean that i can hold that belief back in some
way and it really is true?!

and if it is true....who am i not to try?
i have got to try.
i've got to.

which means.....delving deep into self love and
facing all those darn demons.

but suddenly it seems kinda exciting!

um.
WAY exciting!

that holiday feeling....

ohhhhhhhhh.........i felt it tonite!
the holiday feeling!
ohhhhhhhhhhh.....i love that feeling!

it was dark and cold and i wandered up
to the grocery store. and they had the
christmas trees out! i went right up to
then and took a big ol' whiff.....
ohhhhhhhhh.........wow.
there is no other smell like that one!

as i was headin' back to the car with
a cart load of food i looked at the trees.
thought of someone i've been missing this
week. she died about a year ago.

this will be her second christmas she missed.
she shoulda been here....

i got in the car wonderin' where the heck
we go. where the heck is she?! WHERE do
we go??? i just go crazy wonderin' sometimes!

i thought of how sad it was she was missin'
this dark nite and that holiday feelin' creepin'
over me.

and then i focused on the holiday feeling.
i let the other go.

big improvement for me.

focused on the good.

i love the cold.
i love the dark cold nites.

the holidays are coming fast!

and i felt so glad to be here.
and i felt so glad that feelin' had come
over me.

there is nothing like that holiday feeling.
and go figure...i actually got it early!

yay!

guilt ridden rats or just feeling guilty?

a friend sent me this great article about
stepping aside from our feelings and understanding
that we are not the feelings. that we are
HAVING the feelings.

big difference.
the main thing being that we don't identify
ourselves with that feeling...we don't become
that feeling.

instead of being weak, we are feeling weakness.
instead of being a scaredy cat, we are feeling fear.

that kinda thing.
we can look more objectively at it and see what's
causing the feelings. that kinda thing.

handed it to my guy to read this weekend. he did so
and promptly launched into some of my recent feelings
to help me sort thru it.

at one point i exclaimed "i know it!' a bit impatiently
when he was pointing it out to me.

i have to laugh.
the poor guy.
he's just tryin' to help.

i got the point. that's not the problem.
it was LIVING the point that i was having a hard time
with.

so it's been on my mind.

i tried it out on my walk this morning.

i am feeling guilt.
not....i am a guilt ridden rat.

grin.
grin.
grin.

okay.
so maybe i am a guilt ridden rat.

grin.

okay.
i'm not.
i'm not.

but i feel like one.

okay.
ter.
you're not doin' so well here.

you are feelin' guilt.
oh yeah.

what caused that?

and then i went from there....

it actually helped.

but you know what's interesting?
it's hard to drop the guilt ridden rat stuff.
why?
well, my counselors used to tell me things that
were hard to drop were serving a purpose. i was
getting something out of them.

ah.
it's all so interesting, huh?

i'm not a confused guilt ridden rat.
i'm feeling confusion.
i'm a guilt ridden rat who's feeling confusion.

grin.
dysfunction can have it's fun moments.

walkin' again....

i'm back to my walks and jump ropin' in the
morning....and man, it feels good.
i think i go a wee bit insane without that
routine!

got a note this morning that i held in my
heart as i walked....

someone who hates herself.

man.
man.
man.

why is it so darn hard to love ourselves?!

i wrote back, of course....
but wondered what good my words could do.

it's inside of us...
and up to us....

how bad do we want it?
funny, huh? it's only a mindset away....

sometimes, for me, that's miles of raging
waters that don't seem crossable....and
sometimes i'm there. no sweat at all.

it is the oddest thing.

we just gotta know it matters to keep
tryin'. and it matters to help each other....

i walked and held her in my heart.
she may not know that, but i do.
and maybe somehow that helps....

i think somehow it matters.

crawlin' outta the woodwork.....

it's that time of the year.
the creepin' outta the woodwork time.
things are happening around me and
things are crawlin' outta the woodwork.
knew they would.
tried to get ready for it....

and today seemed to be the start of the
season.

at one point i stepped back and said
'whew...that's a lotta stuff.'

and i tried to fall back on my preparations.

so far so good.
holdin' steady.

however, i did make a really creepy piece of
art. i stood back and looked at it and went
woe.
where did that come from???

oh yeah. prolly the woodwork.

that's okay.
if i can keep it there, i'll be doin' good.

if i can just keep steppin' back and watchin'.

at what point is it that i lose my footing
and tumble over the edge???

this time i'm gonna really watch where i step.

i wonder if it'll work......

let's all participate!!!

we're sendin' out a p.s. to our newsletter today.
it's called 'heart flash' and it's like a little
news flash of something really cool.

i thought i'd put it out here for anyone coming
thru this way who doesn't get the newsletter....

it's definitely a heartwarming story that you'll
want to be a part of.
instead of explaining it here, i'm just gonna
point you to where you can get the whole scoop!

it's over at jenna's blog.
her and her kids are doin' something awesome
for the season! i'm hoping we can get tons of
people to participate. i just think it's the most
wonderful thing!

go on over and scroll down to the blog titled
'the circle.'

changin' my vibes!

sometimes i can just be a maniac inside.
so much to do, not enough time to do it all...
gotta figure this out and that out....

ohmygosh.

so i found myself in maniac mode on my walk
today.
ew, terri, this sucks.

so.
the lesson over the past few days has been
'it's a choice.'

i really hate the feeling of not enough time.
i get stressed and don't enjoy much of anything.

so..
i'm changin' my little vibes!

josh sent me a picture last nite of the my favorite
martian guy with his little antennas up pointing at
me saying 'got vibes?'

oh man.
it's perfect.
(ya gotta love josh!)

yeah, man!
i got vibes!
i got yucky vibes!
and i'm changin' 'em!
cause it's my choice what vibes i'm gonna have.

there is enough time.
things are going smoothly.
life is abundant.
and i am not a cranky crazed woman!

there is enough.
always.

enjoyin' the weather!

ohmygosh is it gorgeous out!!

i got to do yard work this morning!
that is always a tickle as i don't get
much of a chance to get outside like i'd
like to!

the wind was blowin' and the air was crisp.
perfect.

i was out cleanin' my garden up when yo
came thru with the leaf blower.

yeah.
leaf blower.

i'm a believer in rakes myself.
but.....it's been the guys' job these
days and if it's gas powered, they'll do it.

so he's out there roarin' in my ears and
i couldn't believe it. hmmmmm.......
i thought it was gonna be a peaceful, connect
with the earth kinda morning....
hmmmmm.....

well....it was so loud i could actually sing!
i never sing so anyone can hear me.
so i never sing while i do yard work.

so there i was singin' away cause who could tell?!
it was too darn noisy to hear me!
oh what fun!
singin' and clearin' away.
the breeze kept gusting and i thought of all the
gunk inside of me i wanted cleaned.....

every time the wind blew, i felt like it was cleanin'
me right on out....

blowin' the debris out....
yes.

i was havin' warm flashes (haven't quite hit hot flashes,
but i do get the warm ones) keepin' me warm...
and i was just lovin' every second of it.

it's back inside now to get a little work done...
but the wind is still blowin' thru my insides right now...

weather just feels so darn good.
i gotta get out in it more!

pieces of the puzzle

so i took a buncha pieces of paper
and wrote things on them.
things that have been floating around
in me....things i figure are all pieces
of the puzzle.

i wrote them down and spread all these
pieces over my coffee table.

'okay, i'm gonna figure out how they
all fit together.'

he comes in and sits down.

starts moving the papers around. doesn't
take long before he's putting them in
piles.

'what goes under this one?'
he asks.

'oh, this one definitely is right above
this one.'

i'm amazed.

first of all, he never blinked an eye over
the scraps of paper deal.
then that he'd just go moving them around like
that.

his logic brain kicked in and he was there to
solve the puzzle.

some stuff he got wrong.
and some of the shuffling of my inner whirlings
felt a little odd and uncomfortable.

but i paid attention.

even told myself if it's uncomfortable, listen
harder, there's prolly something there for you.

he made some really really really good points.

wasn't easy to hear.
but true stuff that made sense.

but this!
this struck me the most.....

there were prolly 12 pieces of paper with different
things on them.

one had 'self doubt' on it.
and another had 'empire/future' on it.

he pointed to the empire piece (i refer to my
business as 'the empire!')

he said, you don't have self doubt with the business.
you have always chosen to believe you can do it.

you made the choice not to have that there.

woe.

um.

he's right.

oh, i've had financial scares....
and worries over sales....

but i've always believed i could do it.

he's right.

i CHOSE to believe.

he went on to explain to me that another
piece of paper "belief in being loved" is
a choice.

it's all a choice, he said.

you can believe it or not.

what you do with that affects everything.

he sat back.
he was about done.

and i ....well i've just begun......

golden nuggets

i found gold today.

grabbed a favorite book...
'i will not die an unlived life'
(love this book)

only had a few minutes.

here's some tidbits from those few minutes!

'what would it be like to open our hearts to
our fear, to befriend it with wonder, as one
would a deer in the forest?'
..........

'there is something highly passionate about
living in conscious relationship to fear.'
..............

'...still each time, prior to setting out,
fear seems more justified than trust.'
..............

'what do i love more than i fear? how can
i motivate myself with what i love?'
............
and the final kicker!

'do you want to die numb?
"no!" i hissed back. 'id rather die soft
and feeling pain than hard, brittle and numb.
i want to die with my heart free, wide open,
wondering and loving fiercely!
the response was immeditate: "then how do you
have to live so you can be sure to die that way?"


woe.
and woe.
and wow.

author dawna markova.......thank you!

blue print day

conversation yesterday with a friend
prompted me to pull out a book i hadn't
looked at in ages.
one of my favorites....
conversations with god.

i love that book.
altho, the set up of it is a bit hokey,
but the content i like!

was readin' stuff about relationships
this morning before i got outta bed.

he brings it all home......
about bein' here to learn who you are
and you can't love another without loving
yourself....
and doing things things for your highest
good.....
and asking the question 'what would love
do now?'

what would love do now?

that's a great question.

i've gotten messed up on that question in
my past because of putting everyone else first.

he points out to remember the love for yourself
in that question also....

i'm spending the day with my guy today.
i asked him for some help with some stuff in my life.
asked him if we could brainstorm together today.

wanted to try some different angles.

i've been collecting things all week i want to
bring into the figurin' out stage.
thoughts and preceptions that i'm thinking of
as tools.

i just got another.

'what would love do now?'

that's a pretty basic tool.
kinda like a hammer.

think i got my basic set of tools now.

now..........what do i build with them???

today i'll be workin' on the blue prints.......

cut out for this stuff???

relationships are on my mind tonite.

man, they're hard.
i don't know what i was thinking when i was
younger, but i honestly had no idea how hard
they were!

and then i got in a few, and yeah, i started
to figure it out! but i still didn't know.
i don't think it was til my marriage fell apart
that i really started to get it!

it wasn't until i swore i'd make my next relationship
healthy that i really figured out the work involved!

i gotta say at the moment, my guy and i are
smooth and doin' okay.

this isn't about my struggles with him tonite!

i'm just thinking about them in general.

honestly?
sometimes i just don't think i'm cut out for them.

seriously.

sometimes i just don't think that i can do it.

and then i think about it.

my guy has this theory....he says that we NEED relationships
to complete ourselves, to find out about ourselves, to see
ourselves.....he totally believes it. and he works hard at
ours.

i think he's gotta be right.
i just don't hop up and down at the idea because i think
somewhere deep down i just wonder if i can really pull it off.

i mean REALLY pull it off.
really really.

deeply.
for real.
honestly.

cause to do that.......you gotta look hard at yourself.
you gotta reach beyond yourself for real. you gotta reach
and extend and grow and all that stuff.

and sometimes i just wanna go off on an island all by myself
and watch the ocean.

but whenever i think that thru, i realize his darn theory
is prolly right. we need relationships.

all the buttons and the baggage that two people bring in to
it all.....shoot, that doesn't help much either, does it?

we were just talkin' about how our weaknesses blend so well
together at times and create havoc really easily.

terrific.

at the same time, our strengths blend really well and
create things that are wonderful.

it's all where you focus, i guess.
always seems to be that darn focus stuff.

i hope that when i'm all done and layin' there reflecting
my life...i hope that i will have lost the feeling that
i'm not cut out for relationships, and i will have grown
into the belief that not only was i cut out for them,
but i did really good in this one.

self doubt

i got to talk to a good friend of mine
for a few minutes today.
and i loved it.
she wrote me a note afterwards tho
and had had some self doubt about the call.

and her perceptions of the whole thing
were just plain ol' wrong. but they were
colored by self doubt.

darn.
that self doubt stuff sucks, doesn't it?!

what was so cool was she told me so i could
let her know what i saw. and what i saw was
entirely different and i loved her a ton.

self doubt is on my mind a lot right now.

i got hit by it really big this week.
and i don't think i'm quite over it yet.
um.
no.
i'm not over it at all.

so when i saw her do it, i was just blown
away. it can be so incredibly wrong, can't it?!

wow.
how the heck do we keep that toxic stuff away
from us?!

i guess it's what we focus on.
but shoot....sometimes it's just so hard not
to pay attention to it.

ugh.

i definitely want to get rid of that stuff...
not sure how.
but i think payin' attention is a start.

big stuff!

okay.
this is big.
i really really hope i can articulate it!

you know that experience you have when you're
so stressed or wound tight but you don't really
have any idea until you relax and then you go
woe! i didn't realize i was so stressed!
you have no idea until you shift???

ya know that feeling???

well.......
i had it with something i didn't even know i had
today!!!!

giving stuff away with my business is just part of
business. it's a constant thing, just is, and i like
it that way.

well, yesterday, i got a little carried away with it.
and this morning i was wrapping all that stuff up.

i had been talkin' to josh about energy and vibrations
and attracting like energy. he's taking that 'manifest
your dreams' class and i want to hear all he's learning!

so he gave me the tidbit of sending out the right vibrations.

ready?
i pictured the (i can't spell the word!!) thingies comin'
out of the martian's head on 'my favorite martian.' remember
those???

well i pictured those comin' up just like his used to do
and sendin' out the right vibes! right outta my cute little
noggin!

so i plopped down on my studio floor to wrap up goodies i
was givin' away. and i thought of the vibe thing......

and i realized......
this is big.........

that from day one whenever i gave something away, there
would be a voice way down deep inside of me sayin'
'i don't want anything back from this. this isn't about
that. it's a giving. not a getting back.'

and you know what???
i realized it today for the first time.
and it's a NEGATIVE THING!
it was more on the dark and gloomy side of things.
i so wanted to make sure no one took any of my giving
for manipulating or any other bad thing, that i would
fill myself with a 'i don't want anything back' feeling!

i never noticed before.

today when i packed stuff up, i thought 'this energy will return
to me. i want this energy. it's free, and loving, and
abundant! it is returned. my life is full of this.'

it's not about money or stuff....
it's that life is abundant and full of love and that
kinda thing.....

that's what i want back! and i'm gonna put it out there.
i want that!!! i've got that!

and as soon as i saw that, the other showed up that
i had been thinking. i never even knew it!

i felt like this huge huge thing shifted inside of me!

i don't know if i explained it to make any sense...
but i just think it's a huge thing.

it's not about money, it's not about stuff....
it's about energy.....

i'm thinking this is so darn cool.....

sweetie pie honey pie sugar cookie

i hadn't even seen the day yet....
still in my jammies runnin' around.
he called on his way to work.

told him i was gettin' ready to go
out for a walk.

his voice lit up, 'oh it's all gray
and foggy out, you're gonna love it!
perfect for your walk!'

i laughed.
he does know me.

told him about the cranberry colors yesterday
and how i figured out that's why we have
cranberries for thanksgiving, cause it matches
the colors.

he laughed, agreed and said the pilgrim's
musta got up thanksgiving morning and said 'hey,
look, honey, it's cranberry colors outside! let's
match colors and have cranberries today!'

i laughed.
but it was the 'honey' part that caught my attention.

when i was growin' up, my family never did the
honey, sweetie pie, sugar cookie, or whatever stuff.
german farmer blood, ya know?

i remember when i called one of my boys when he was
small 'sweetie' in front of my dad. he looked at me
like i had just cussed at the kid!

i felt kinda stupid.
but i couldn't help it. it just kinda came out.

as time has gone on and my life has changed more and
more....'sweetie pie' has become a name for all the
men in my life. and it's a good thing now.

just one of the tiny changes in my life....
but it means a lot to me.

i rarely use my cellphone for anything but talking
to my guys. so it's really safe to pick up the phone
and say 'hey, sweetie!'

i didn't realize i did that all the time until one of
the guys answered my phone for me, imitated me and said
'HEY SWEETIE PIE!' all goofy like.

i laughed.
and it felt good.
i don't care if it's dopey.
i really like it.
sometimes i think of my dad and that glare he gave me...
he missed out on a lot.
he coulda used a little more dopey in his life.

but that's okay, i'll be dopey enough for the both of us.

follows her heart

yesterday ended so wonderfully....
it was so good it was plenty enough
to launch me into another good day.

i didn't hop outta bed all filled with
it tho. i got up quick as i was late,
snagged the bathroom real quick before
anyone else could grab it..and just
started off runnin'.

it wasn't til i was writing a customer
a thank you for their order that i stopped.

the beginning part of her email addy??
'follows her heart.'

then i stopped.
oh yeah.
oh yeah.

and i remembered yesterday.

thing after thing reminding me what i want
to focus on.

here i was again.

follows her heart.

that's not so easy, is it?
sometimes it seems real easy to me.
no sweat.
piece of cake.

but i tell ya, the minute it gets confusing
and difficult, i have trouble really hearing
that heart of mine.

it gets tangled.
and SELF DOUBT creeps in soooo darn fast.

i think i need to throw this in:

follows her heart,
laughs at self doubt.

it's gonna be another good day.

the spirit of women

one of the best perks of my job is getting
to meet some of the most courageous, brave,
generous, kind and loving women i've ever met.

more than one of those women showed up in my
life today.

oddly enough, a whole lot of 'em popped thru
today....in so many different ways.

maybe cause today was pivotal for me.
maybe they made it that way.
i don't know.

but i wanted to honor it somehow before i
quit tonite....

to the spirit of women...to the things they
offered me today....courage, love, wisdom,
kindness, compassion, humor, generosity,
enthusiasm, honesty, strength, faith, and
friendship.....

i honor you.
you make me proud to be a woman.

just my luck!

you know...it's the weirdest thing.
or not.

i decided today i needed a new approach
to some old challenges.

didn't know what, but knew i needed to try
a new way.

then i watched josh.
man, he got me all psyched.
he's workin' on manifesting his dreams!
he's been walking around saying "just my luck!'
in the most wonderful way. the opposite of how
you usually hear it.
and it's such a tickle. i laugh every time
i hear him.

i'm gonna do that!

and then....
things started happening one after another.

just really supportive friend things,
meaningful things, opportunities for me to
live how i want to live....good stuff.
really good stuff.

i noticed it. each thing. and thought, wow,
look at that....

and inch by inch i've gotten more and more
excited.

it's going to be a challenging season ahead
for me in several different ways.
but i'm thinking i'm in for the game in
a really good way.

it's not a 'everything is rosey' attitude.
cause it's not.
but it's a 'how i handle it is up to me'
kinda thing....

and i think i'm ready to handle it in a way
that would be really beneficial to me.

i don't know. i know i'll slip, stumble
and get covered with mud.

but i also know that i'm gonna slip, stumble
and get covered with mud with some enthusiasm!

there is SO much to this life.
i'm gonna do my best to grab it.

and if something i've been doin' isn't workin....
well.....helloooo??? time to try another angle
and know that i CAN manifest what i want!

just my luck!

a good rain....

it's raining....
i needed to go out in it.
i'm getting old.
normally i woulda walked.
today i hopped in the car.

oh man.
i love that sound of the rain on
the car roof. i love that so much.

just before i left, a friend emailed
me about magic all around us and
helpers near us every step of the way.

i drove and thought of that....

i'm thinking that i can handle some
sticky things like i usually do...
which isn't so great.
or i can handle some sticky things
in a whole new way.

sticky things are headin' my way.
and i'm likin' the new approach
idea.

why not?

it's gonna take some constant
awareness to keep remembering to
come at it all from a different angle...
but i'm thinking i might just bump
into that magic on the way...
and those helpers.

i already have a terrific circle of helpers.
throw in a few unexpected ones...
and what the heck!
who wouldn't try?!

i got kinda pysched about it and the
rain kept comin' down.....

and it all felt right to me.....

there is nothin' like a good rain....

mantras

i'm sittin' here doin' my homework and started laughing.

a wonderful shop owner just sent me a little workbook
for me to work on to help with my trust in my financial
issues!!

it's a 30 day thing where you get a new mantra each day
and you have to write it out 40 times.

this actually works as i can just jot the sentences out
as i work at my desk thru out the day.

thing that doesn't work for me are some of the sentences.
and i had to laugh!

they use the word 'god.'

okay. i got stuck right there.

upbringing stuff i guess.
baggage stuff.
not like i don't believe in a bigger power....
just get kinda uncomfortable with that word.
so first sentence i put in 'universe' for god
and added a little extra part to the sentence.

and i grinned.
think i'll change universe around as i go too.
i can't find just the right word.

today....i just wasn't into the sentence they provided.
so i took the idea and reworded it to something
that i would actually truly say to myself.
whew.
that feels better.

i flipped thru the book.......
decided i'm just gonna have to write my own
mantras every day. i'll take their ideas and
reword for me.

and i laughed.
i thought i was a rule follower.
and obedient. tell me my homework and i'll do
it.

hmmmmmmm........
things have changed a bit.
and i'm likin' that.

i'll go along with it.
i'll play.
i'll try.
but please, let me talk to myself with
my own words!!

good thing this guy didn't have a room full
of people like me in the room when he tried to
get this goin'!!!

gray and cranberry

my back yard is a sea of leaves.
i just love it.
i'm going to try to convince the guys
not to touch it until i can help.
i want to be part of the sea!

you know those people who don't walk
thru the snow in their yard cause they
want it to be all pretty (i could NEVER
do that!) well.....that's how i feel
about the leaves right now.
DON'T TOUCH MY LEAVES!

it's gray out and novembery looking.

i got to my goodmorningworld spot and
was amazed at how cranberry colored
everything was.

no wonder cranberries are a part of
thanksgiving....they are the perfect
color!

my insides match the outside.

no answers.
gray and cranberry.

and the beauty of the morning tells
me that my insides are just fine
bein' gray and cranberry today.

yo just came in to grab his shoes
sayin' he has to get out there, it looks
so beautiful.

someone raised that kid right!
if he messes up my leaves tho, i'll
have to pummel him.....

confused.

okay.
so here's the challenge.

do i take care of people that can't see me?

yeah. i can do that.
i don't need to get something back.

yeah. well. that sounds really pretty, ter.
BUT how come you get so banged up in the process?

you must really want something back, or you
wouldn't get banged up?

okay. true.
depends on the people.
some people it's a piece of cake.
these people, it's my biggest challenge.

maybe i can do it this time?

what's the motivation for doing it?
hmmmmmm........

that's a tough call.

it FEELS like just being human.
caring. loving. trying to be compassionate.
i honestly believe that's a real big part
of it all.

what else tho, girl?

what honestly else?

pressure from outside?
what's it look like not to?

yeah.
that's there.

what do they all think of you?

yeah, that's there.

they think you're a bum anyway. so why
worry???

because somewhere somehow i keep thinking
that if they could see me and see the compassion
and love, they would know i wasn't that bum.

hmmmmmm........
doesn't that bring you right back to where you started?

they can't see you????
if that's true....
yes.
it's true.

then they can't see the compassion and love inside.

you are only settin' yourself up yet again.

so.
do you honestly do it for the sheer sake of doing it
or do you honestly do it to get something back?
or both??

and when you know you're looking for something....
which i am......
and you know you can't get it from that source...
which i can't.....

then do you go to the source that can give it to you?
that source being you?

and then once YOU give it to you, you can do it for
the sheer sake of doin' it.

but maybe if you haven't given that to you yet,
you can't.

and maybe you need to know that and either accept that
or give it to yourself.

and maybe you can't give it to yourself til you stop
fighting yourself.

maybe you just aren't quite ready to give it to them
yet as you're still learning how to give it to you.

and maybe that's okay.

but getting comfortable with that can only happen if
you get comfortable with who you are.

get comfortable with who you are.
get comfortable with who you are.
see in you what you want them to see in you.
know it.
believe it.
embrace it.
live it.
shine it right on out of you.

then go take care of them.

the season change and the moon!

a friend wrote today about the change of
seasons and how it affects her...

is THAT what it is, i thought?!

and then as i brought my groceries out
to the car tonite, i looked up and saw
that full moon.

HA!
throw that into the mix!

i returned my cart and then found a little
spot in the parking lot where i could stand
and stare at the moon.

it was so pretty.
and so full.

between the season change, the moon, my cycle,
and life happenings, i was about ready to howl
out there.....

but then i remembered.......i'm mature tonite.

i got back into yo yo's truck and pretended
i was in my truck headin' back to the ranch
to feed the bulls.....

i didn't howl once!
i just sang cowgirl songs!

just call me mature and logical!

ya know....sometimes i can do it right!
once in awhile.
i showed maturity tonite!
ha!
go figure.

we were sposed to get together tonite
but certainly not under the best of
circumstances.
i needed some help with something, he
had family stuff he had to do.

we were gonna squeeze it in.

i thought better of it.
we talked about it.

said i was bringing a need and would
prolly end up really frustrated as he
prolly couldn't focus on two things at
once.

so why don't i just tune him in on what
i need help with and we could address
it in a couple of days. i could wait.
i just wanted to tell him what was up.

so i did.
and he was great.
and we'll hash thru it soon.

wow.
how come i can't be that mature more often?!

it helped just tellin' him about it.
he said i sounded shakey about it all.
even that helped.

and then i toddled off to spend millions
of dollars at the grocery store.

i love coming home with tons of food.
i just love it.
it always feels like christmas to me.

food!
lots of food!

dinners cooking, and i'm feelin' all mature
and logical.

ha!

i wonder what it's like to live a life of
maturity and logicalness?!
logicality?

maybe i should try it more often.....

i don't know tho.......
life might be too easy that way!

the dull wobblies....

i heard myself talking.
i tried to make light of it,
but it wasn't comin' out as light as
i had hoped.

'i'm just a wee bit wobbly and could
use a friend.'

there wasn't a bit of hesitation.

'you got one.' was the response.

wow.
what a great response, huh?

i sit here and think of some of the interactions
i've had in this day that isn't half over...

there's been nothing but love everywhere around
me.

not sure how that happens...how you get a life so
full of such good things....

but do know it's something to be so grateful for.

the stuff that's making me wobbly?
well, it's getting pretty dull in the face of all
this light.

it's kinda just awesome darn cool.

bein' vulnerable

i can actually be pretty protective of my
insides at times. i have surprised myself
with my own guardedness in certain situations.
i'm cool with that. think there's times that's
absolutely called for.

and then there are other times where i totally
am amazed at how much i'll pour out. i even
surprise me on how open i'll be.

sometimes that happens because of timing.
and trust. there's gotta be trust there...but
the timing can make me spill more than i
normally would.

and well, the timing was right this morning.

i was workin' away here by myself tryin' to
feel what was goin' on inside when i got an
email from a really beautiful lady.

she was so incredibly thoughtful that i cried.

she was headin' out to a certin cool funky
ceremony and wanted to remember me at it. she
wanted to know if i had anything in particular
i wanted her to focus on for me.
oh man.
timing?
timing!

so i told her.

and i felt totally vulnerable doin' so.
and i even had part of me goin'
"what are you doin', terri?!'
but i knew she'd be nice about it at the
very least...

and i knew it was honest, and i wanted to be
really honest.

she wrote back totally understanding where i
was. said she knows it too. and she understood
the vulnerability i felt in putting it out there.
she opened herself also in the response.

and i cried again.

i cried for her kindness, i cried because
she knows this feeling too....i cried for sadness
for her and for the relief of her understanding.
and for the connections that really are between us
all.

being vulnerable isn't my favorite feelin' in the
world....but when it's held with kindness and love...
THAT is something i have no words for....

my monster song

me and my monsters have been
singing this song....

finally looked it up on youtube.


wanted to share!

it's time

i am forever talking about 'seeing'....

seeing myself, seeing others.
it's gotten so that my significant guy
right away knows if we have a problem
he goes right to 'you're not feelin' seen.'

not only that, he will throw that out at
me too in regards to him!

ahhhhh, we've come a long way...

to equally see yourself and others....well,
that's quite a thing to do. quite a balance.

and i think that's gotta be the goal there.

and well....me and balance....well...good thing
it's a long term goal!

i was thinking about it all thru the walk today.

i can sense a shift in me. a big, quiet, profound
one.

it came in with the monsters.
the desire to truly want compassion towards myself.
first time i ever really had that desire.

and now, the desire to balance the seeing more.
i think they go hand in hand.
to have the compassion for myself, i gotta see myself.

i gotta look.

i've known that all along.
and all along it's been a crazed, desperate feeling.
i GOTTA do it but HOW?!

this time it's a quiet feelin' of 'okay...it's time
to do this.'

wow. i like quiet way better than crazed.

i'm not even thinking about how.
i just keep thinking 'it's time.'

now. let's see if i put my money where my mouth
is.....

logic

wow.
did you ever just have a thought kinda smack
you on top of the head???
definitely a delayed reaction, but fortunately
it landed as i was headin' out for a walk.

i found it so overwhelming,i didn't know what
to do with it. it was well past half way of the
walk before i tried logic.

go figure.
me and logic.

but i just laid it out there.
you have this and this, so you get this.
take that and that and you get this.

of course.
what are you so surprised about, ter??
i'm not surprised, i argued.
just sad.

yeah.
yeah.

but at least it makes sense.

now. that's a really sad thing.
but can you take it and make good in
your own life?

and i thought about that.
oh yeah.
oh yeah.

well, then?

do you dwell on the overwhelming sadness
of it all or do you take what you've been
given and create goodness???

and somehow, that brought me to my monsters.
and my loving myself. and seeing myself.

it all tied in together.

i can create the goodness in my life.
i've got it inside myself already.
sometimes i just don't know.
and i get so lost.

and maybe when i'm so lost, i can take this
other stuff that seems to have nothing to do
with it, but also has everything to do with it,
and maybe i can take that and remember that
no matter what.....i have the power to create
goodness in my life.

and maybe i can focus on that.

see?
me and logic.
we work wonders together.

my son, yo.

it's been really hoppin' around here lately.
which is a glorious thing.
not a lotta time to sit still tho.

i wanted to send someone yo yo's flickr
link so i hopped over there to get it.

OH.MY.GOSH.

i was stunned.
i haven't seen his newest work.
well, now i know where to go when i am
taking a tea break.

i gotta go keep up with what my son's doin'!!!

when you're taking a tea break, go check
him out.......he's incredible!

a gate and a bucket!

the guys have been asking me what i want
for christmas. sweet, huh?!
zakk keeps comin' up with all these gadgets
that would be cool...

so there we were at my friend's new house
sunday helpin' out with yard stuff. i went
thru her back yard gate four different times.
and i just loved it. it was so fun to go thru
that gate.

on the way home i said 'i know what i want for
christmas!

a gate!!!'

so tonite, as i worked with the boys in the studio
i started talkin' about my gate.

zakk kinda groaned a bit at first, but eventually
gave in and asked where i'd want it....

after much discussion, we figured out it would be
so cool to have a gate that i'd go thru every morning
when i went to go jump rope!!!
no fence....just a gate.

and a bucket.

i want a bucket too.

i have to carry a bucket thru the gate.
figure i can put my jump rope in it.

yo crinkles his face and says 'a bucket???'

well, of course, yo, what good's a gate
if you don't have a bucket to carry thru??
and not any old plastic bucket either.
gotta be a metal bucket.

ya know what?
i think i might just get this.

wouldn't that be so darn fun?!

loving the monster parts...

okay, i never post these in the right order.
the posts below help explain this one...

compassion.
that's how i'll love those parts of me.
by starting with compassion.

what i do instead of showin' myself compassion
is i kick myself.

jeesh.

i start by kicking myself and scolding myself.
self doubt fires up at that point and i get
real wobbly.
and then the monsters start rising up, and
i get scared and hide.

wow.
that's not such a great strategy.

and i think that may very well be a pattern.

ya gotta wonder about some of these patterns.

but!
instead of continuing it right now and scolding
myself and then letting the rest happen....

how about the compassion?

i just looked up the word compassion....
deep awareness of the suffering of another or oneself
coupled with the wish to relieve it. understanding
without judgment.

ya know....
it might just feel really good to practice some
compassion on myself.

i've told myself this before and i've tried because
i know i should.

but the 'should' stuff only gets ya so far.

this morning, i WANT to.
i want to give myself that.

i NEED to.

is it possible i'm finally growing into it?
wouldn't that just be awesome??

gonna give that a shot today....
and i'm gonna work on lovin' those monster parts
in me....that maybe aren't monstery at all...
maybe they're quite lovely.....

the monster that is me.

it's been a week since i've walked.
man, have i missed it.

wow, how things change in a week!
besides the leaves being totally
different and a lot gone...

they're knockin' down the last good
section of trees we had. they've done
a lot of work since i've been out.

woe.
breaks my heart.

and the neighborhood was filled with
workers!

made it kinda tough to have the conversation
i had intended to have with the monsters.
(see post below)

that kinda conversation's gonna take some
quiet and some room for tears.

i tried to do a little something in between
workers on the street. so what i did was
feel them. (the monsters, not the workers)

i didn't touch them.
i just realized that.
i felt them.

two different things.

i felt them inside of me.
or maybe 'it'....it felt more like one thing
than a bunch. yesterday it felt like a bunch.
today one.

i felt it, felt the size of it, and was stumped.

how do i get rid of it???

i realized right away that 'get rid of' or 'fight'
parts of my insides was prolly goin' in the wrong
direction. but still was stumped.

it wasn't til i passed the last of the workers
that i figured something out...

it's not separate from me.
it's not a monster inside of me.
it's me.

and saying i 'felt' it instead of 'touching' it
is a big deal.

i have to touch it.
i have to touch me.

i have to touch that part of me.
and i have to love that part of me.
i have to embrace and hold that part of me.

great.
great.

i have enough trouble loving the easy parts of
me to love. now i gotta love the monster parts???

great.

and how does one do that???