what a story...

i've been thinking a lot about something that's
been goin' on since yesterday. dani posted about it
in her blog which was making the point of the incredible
connections that are out there and how they really
do show us that there's more than meet the eye. i
so totally agree.

she gave me a pretty glowing description, which all i can
do is thank her for, and maybe blush a little.....
thanks, dani, for the incredible love you pass my way.

here's part of the story from my eyes.

dani is a shop owner i work with. one of the gems. one who's
out to do way more than run a shop. and she does way more than
run a shop.

carol's a customer who came thru dani's shop and liked my work.
apparently really liked it. so much so that she even commented
that she wanted to be buried with one in her hand when she dies.
(along with her pink fishing pole!)

she wrote me one day asking about a particular quote she liked.
i didn't have it in a print so suggested that she make one up
herself. apparently she didn't see herself as creative and the
idea was a new one for her. not sure if she ever did it or not.
kinda hope she did.

dani wrote the other morning that carol died unexpectedly.

wow.

i notice death.
i really do.
it makes me stop.
even when i don't really know the person.

it is such a huge reminder to treasure those around us. and i
get filled with wanting to honor people. but you know how it
is, you just don't know how to do that. i just feel so helpless
sometimes.

after i wrote her back, i wanted to do something. so i sat down
to make a bone sigh in her honor that maybe her friends would
like to have.

i was writing some stuff, but it wasn't quite what i wanted.
so i stopped and thought about it. thought about carol. wondered
where she was. wondered if she could know. wondered if she
could help.

trust me, i have no set beliefs on this stuff, and a whole lot
of wondering. but i asked her to be with me if she could. was
she there? i haven't a clue.

but i tried writing again. i wrote from the angle of a
friend really hurting and missing her and wondering what she
would say now. and then i wrote what i thought she might say.
as i did it, it felt right and it felt good.

it's funny, i can go to these places all alone and do things for
me, but when i have to offer them to others, i get really full
of self doubt. i started wondering if it would be good enough
or right, or would it totally miss what her friends needed.

but i knew i had to do it, cause i had to. so i did it. sent
it to the printer.
no color proof, no nothing, just hoping it comes out okay as
i want to send it up as quickly as i can. i mentioned it to dani
and she was completely encouraging.

and then....
today dani wrote one heck of a note about carol's best friend
coming into the store. dani's a writer that will grip your heart
and as i read her note, i just cried and cried and cried.
dani didn't know she was carol's best friend at first, but of
course, dani found out right away because she's right there for
people and with people.

the friend came in looking for a bone sigh because she was hurting so
much from her loss and she knew carol loved them so. dani gave
her one she was looking at and told her of the ones coming
called 'carol's light.' she sobbed. said how much carol would have
liked that.

okay. what a story, right? what a story.

i didn't know carol....but it sure sounds like the world lost a
special woman. and i grieve for her family and friends.
i am filled with that urgency i get at moments like this to
remember to treasure every moment, every person.

and on top of all that,i am on my knees in gratitude for all
the messages i feel i got thru this whole unfolding of events.

i have been struggling and trying and trusting, and feeling
better....

but today, today, i find myself on my knees.

when i watch this whole story unravel, i am so in agreement
with dani when she says there's more. and we are all so
connected.

i feel that i have been touched over and over the past
few days in different ways with the message to trust...
to follow my heart...to act in love...to keep going even
in the doubt.

i feel like i would have to be blind not to see these messages.

and they're not just my messages. they're for all of us.

and so i wanted to put this out there and tell you.

i haven't felt like this in years.
just that knowing...that feeling that's totally inside
that you just gotta keep believing cause that works and
that makes a difference and you will get answers and
you will see magic.

i am filled with it tonite like i haven't been filled in
years. and i am on my knees in gratitude.

and i am holding carol, a woman i just barely met, in my
heart so big time tonite.

a date with an angel

told mister bob i couldn't see him tomorrow
nite because i have a date with an angel!
wanted to let you know in case you wanted to
join me!

my good buddy christie is offering a free
teleseminar tomorrow nite that i wanted to
share!

i'm not sure if she has the info on her site.
i didn't see it, but i may have missed it. i
got the info thru a mailing she does.

you can contact her thru the site if you're
interested, or contact me and i'll fill you
in too.

it's free and it's on the phone. doesn't
get much easier than that!

she works with angels!

that's a little out of my league to explain
so here's her site to check out.

this particular teleseminar involves the angel
of trust.

and i gotta tell ya, i could really use some input
in the trust department, so i'm gonna be there!

christie is an awesome woman. she also does channeling
which i highly recommend!!!

that's so funny coming from me.
whenever i heard anything about channeling, i would smile
and nod and go the other way. yeah, yeah, whatever.
felt way too out there for me.

until christie came thru and offered me a session as a gift.

i was nervous and unsure, but accepted.

and LOVED it.
just loved it!

i have since given sessions as gifts, and had more myself!
they are wonderfully uplifting and gave me this really
really magnificent zap of good energy. a totally positive
experience all the way around.

if you want to try a channeling session, christie is wonderful.
i highly recommend her.

i'm new to the angel stuff. i've had an angel reading which was
really nice and definitely got a lot of information out of it.
christie offers a lot of her time in these things.

and the angel of trust? ohmygosh, what could be more perfect?

so if you have time and feel like it, come on over!
there's a dial in number you need and an access code and
then you're ready to roll. email christie or me for that
info. i'll spell out christie's email here as i think that keeps
the spam stuff away from her, so that's why i'm spelling it out.
christie at thelightspeakers dot com.

i believe it's mostly listening so you don't have to be
nervous about having to do anything.

and ms. christie.......thanks for offering a free one for us
to get a feel of what's goin' on! looking forward to it.

tomorrow nite at eight!
oh! just got a link!!! here ya go!

an awesome cool guy

over the years, i have come to love this man
more and more. he's my small business counselor
and we have a meeting in a few days.
in confirming that, he also sent a little
inspiration my way.

i wanted to share it with you. i sat and watched
this vid and was stunned. yeah, i've seen these
vids before where you can't believe people do what
they do. and this is one of them....but there
was more for me with it, as if that wasn't enough.
i really liked this guy. he seemed like a really
good good guy. so not only did he wow me with
the impossible things he's made possible, he wowed
me with his smile, his eyes, his soul.

feel a little discouraged about anything?
well, this ought to put a little spunk back in you.

he reminds me that we can do anything.
check out this awesome cool guy here.

and to mister bill, my counselor....you're one
awesome cool guy yourself.

listen and follow...

mygosh, my hormones must be runnin' wild.
i've got the heat up for zakk as he has a
cold. want the house warm. and ohmygosh,
i'm melting! and it's not THAT warm in here.

i tumbled outside today for my walk with
great relief for the cool air. i coulda
stayed out there forever this morning.

the air is cool, the breeze is blowing and
the sky is silvery gray.

i walked and thought of the listening deal
i renewed yesterday.

listen and follow.
listen and follow.

feel good about it.
real good.
feel directed and ready.

listen and follow.
that's my plan today.

bo

one of my friends tells me that my biggest flaw
is that i'm not an animal person.

i've tried, but i'm just not.
and i know, those who are, can't understand it.

i have tried even harder than i would normally
have, because bob is a dog person.

there are a few animals that have touched me tho.
and there is one dog...and that's bo.

bob's dog bo.

bob has two dogs. bo and arrow.

he got arrow as a puppy when i was heavy duty
into the picture, and i tried...i really really did...
but i just couldn't bond like i had hoped.

couldn't bond? ohmygosh, i couldn't cope.

bo, on the other hand, stole my heart.
he was a full fledged dog when i arrived on the
scene.

bob's hero, and his sons' life saver, that dog
put up with so much with the calm and goodness
of a zen master.

the epitome of all that is good, bo got bob
and the kids thru their darkest hours.

i watched it, knew it, and loved that dog for it.

today, right now, bob and his sons are at the vet
with bo.

they have to put him down tonite.

they're doing it as a family, just the three of
them. even in his passing, bo is helping those
guys out.

i checked in with each guy at some point today.
each guy is hurting. and each guy is trying not
to hurt.

i think bo means so much more than they even
realize. this is quite a loss to them.

i sat on my stool here, looking out the window,
saying goodbye to bo...

i got to wondering about reincarnation.
i think i mostly don't buy that bo was anybody
reincarnated....but part of me wonders.

i never met such a zen dog.

and even in his passing, he seemed zen.
he's stopped eating, stopped drinking, has just
stopped as much as he can.

the guys feel it's the kindest option they
are doing tonite.

and i think of bo passing on.
and i think of all he's done to help those guys
get thru their darkness.

that dog was one special being.
so much so that even a non animal person like me
could see it.

toasting bo tonite.
and holding the guys in my heart.

a link for the song

mary just asked me about the song i mentioned
below. thought i'd post a link here.
didn't earlier cause i couldn't find the right thing.

just did!
thanks for the nudge, mary.

this is the one!

gearin' up for easter

So i know i've been in an intense place because
every single song i hear, no matter what song it is,
has moved me so much the fast days.

i think 'oh my gosh, this song is what i'm feeling'
and then a totally different song in a totally
different genre with a totally different mood comes
on, and i think the same thing!

think that means i'm a whirlwind of emotions lately.

in the weeks before easter, i always try to put on
'jesus christ superstar' and listen to that a bit.
gets me in the easter mood. it's one of my all time
favorite pieces of music.

it has just been moving me to tears lately.
my favorite song has been my favorite song since i
was a teenager.

to this day, this song still gets to me way down
deep. it's the song where jesus is in the garden
and he's thinking he really would like god to take
the whole deal away. and then he kinda goes thru
these emotions and ends up sayin' okay, okay, okay.
i'll do it. knowing god 'holds every card.'

i was making dinner while josh sat at the table last
nite. he was restringing a guitar and chatting.
'oh, hold on. i gotta hear this.' i said, as it came
on and we turned it up.

i cooked, sang along and teared up.

i took a walk thinking about it today. and i just
put the song on yet again.

i love the internal struggle inside, and then the
releasing, and the knowing.

i love that.

easter. it's one heck of a holiday.
possibly my favorite in meaning. funny too as i'm
not a christian. kinda makes me smile.

anything is possible.
release and believe.
release and know.

getting my attention

i took the long way today.
i had a goal in mind.

i needed to pray.

now.
what the heck do i even mean by that,
i don't know.

i know i'm not praying to a god in the sky
who's watching me. i'm not sure if i'm trying
to connect to some energy that's outside of me,
i mostly think i'm trying to tune in to what's
deeply deeply inside of me.

i'm really not sure what i mean by praying.

but i knew i needed to.

i have been pushed to my limits in different ways
lately and i needed to tune in to whatever was goin' on.

when i first started bone sighs, i walked and
talked to the universe constantly. promised to
follow my heart and listen to the things i heard.

i figured it was time for one of those talks.

and so i walked. and asked whatever it was i was
asking, what was up? what was going on? what was
i sposed to do?

walking under my trees, i even said out loud 'what
are you doing? you have my attention.'

and then, it occurred to me.....
my attention wouldn't be turned this way without
this push.

i gasped.

is that's what's goin' on? i asked out loud.
is all this to get my attention???

and just as i said that a car came whizzing down
the street straight at me.

i am not kidding.

it was aimed straight at me, going fast.

my eyes got big.
i stepped off the road.
he saw me, veered sharp, and kept plowin' by me
at a fast speed.

i grinned.

okay. okay. you got it.
you got my attention.

for real? i asked myself?
is my attention really focused now?
because if that's the point, let me get it so
that we can move forward.

i walked and thought about that.

got to my goodmorningworld spot and looked at the
sky. the rain fell in my face.

yeah. i'm listening. i really am.

i'm listening.
and i'm ready to follow.

i turn to my day mindful of an open heart,
ready to act on what i hear.

feels pretty darn good.

people are people

we used to know the people who lived in that house.
but years ago, they moved out.
then someone moved in and before i could meet him,
he disappeared.
the kids dubbed it 'the dead guy's house.'
it took on an air of mystery for sure.
we never knew what happened.

a long time later, a family moved in....
and then the mom and kids moved out.
leaving a guy i kept hearin' weird rumors about.

the construction workers filled me with stories of
him being crazy in the head.

my sons spoke to him recently and told me he was a
nice guy. was good to hear....but still i wondered.

he has no car. i see him walking up and down the road
to the grocery store. but have never bumped into him.

this morning as i got near his house, i heard a shout.

uh oh.

it wasn't a scared shout. like i didn't think someone
got hurt...but i didn't know what to think. it was a loud
shout. real loud.

hmmmmm.....i'm really not sure this is gonna be something
i want to know, i thought.

and i heard another shout just as i was rounding the bend
where i could see his front door.

it looked like he was sitting on the ground at his front
door.

what could i do?

'you okay?' i shouted over.

he stood up.
oh yeah. and started off in a flurry of words.
he's got a heavy accent. i couldn't get all of what he
said. i did hear 'sump pump' and 'water up to here' tho.
i wanted to laugh with relief.
but figured a sympathetic face would be more helpful.

i nodded, looked sympathetic, exchanged a few words,
had a feeling i just made a new friend, and went on my way.
'have a good day' he hollered after me.
and i grinned.

what a relief.

and i was reminded once again that people are people.

always a good thing to remember.

we can do this

so here's a thought.
it's come up before in my relationship and
then got hidden away again. and now, it's resurfaced
and this time is daring me big time.

what if you love somebody and trust them a lot.
okay, you don't trust them entirely, cause is
that even possible?? you don't know. but you
trust them a lot.

and parts of things you do trust entirely.

like you do entirely trust that your partner
will not deliberately try to hurt you.

doesn't mean you don't get hurt. oh no.
it's just they never try to do that. it happens
for millions of reasons, but none of those reasons
is that they tried to do it.

you're familiar with people trying to hurt, have
experienced that and know that one. and know that
that doesn't happen here. so you're solid on that.

so then.
mix that in with the belief that you're on the same
page in wanting the same things. you both want a
healthy loving relationship that brings out the best
in both of you.

so when you have a problem.
there truly is no reason then to curl into a ball
and hide, or put up the walls, or duck behind your
shield. because this isn't a war, it isn't a fight,
it isn't a harmful situation.

it's a misunderstanding.

a 'mis-cue'

can you believe that? can you go to your partner and
talk about it without walls, shields, anger or resentment?

can you totally trust their love for you and their
wanting goodness for you?

can you go with ANY hurt and say 'i know this is a
misunderstanding because i know you would never hurt me
like this.' and then believe that?

this is the goal bob and i have come up with.
and this is the goal that is totally exciting me and
totally scaring me.

it's asking me to totally believe in his love for me
and for him to do the same from me.

we had a conversation on the phone. i had initiated it
with 'i know we're on the same page and i'm committed here
and want to figure this out.' and i brought something up
that i really didn't understand. after many twists and turns
we came to this goal.

i leaned back in my chair and laughed. 'have you tricked
me here? have you led me to a place where i'm sposed to agree
to total trust in our love?'

i could hear his smile back as he said 'nope. you started it
in the beginning of this conversation.'

and so i had.

and so we had some time ago.

but now it's outlined, explained, put on the table for the
both of us to look at.

and we agreed....it's what we want.

can you believe in someone's love so much so that you don't
have to use your armor anymore? that instead of curling into
a ball, you curl into them and ask them what's up?

maybe lots of people do this, altho in my heart, i think very
few do.....i don't know.

but i know i never have.
i have always curled in to protect myself.
and now i find myself at a place where i believe i don't have
to.

a place that is daring me not to.

i'm taking the dare.
knowing that it will take a lot of practice.

and also knowing it may blow up in my face.

but there is no choice anymore.
i have got to try.
because for me now, i won't truly be living until i do
this. i won't truly open my heart until i do this.

i'm scared, sure it will be a ton of work....
and i'm also thinking.....we can do this.
we can really do this.

an evening to treasure

there was more gathering, more making dinner,
another great dinner conversation...this time
with zakk present at the table. just barely.
still not feeling well, he left early and went
off to his room.

we all missed him and yet knew that when someone's
sick, we're a lot to deal with. we started telling
stories of when we were sick and tryin' to deal
with the energy of everyone else. noah rolled his
eyes about even having to be in the same room
with josh and i. bob's energy was added to the mix,
and between us all, we understood zakk's early
departure.

dinner ended, clean up began.
everyone kicked in and we moved into the living
room to light all kindsa candles. earth hour
was just about here, and we were turning everything
off and hangin' out in the candle light together.

everyone likes these living room gatherings and
settles in to stay.

earth hour was long over and the candles kept burning
and we kept talking.

i brought up something in bob's life that's bothering
him. told the guys about it, and then watched them all
interact. bob didn't even blink when i brought it up
and actually talked about it and let them in. i smiled.
it's become a safe place for him too. how cool is this?

he headed home, noah curled in his room to read, zakk was
hibernating and josh and i headed back for more food.
we laughed when we both made the same noise at the same
time when we found the cookies. we decided to take our
snacks and goodies to noah's room and we doubled over
laughing about it. plopping ourselves down, i saw noah
close his book and put it down. he knew it wasn't going
to be quiet for a bit yet.

we snacked and laughed like fools. this was the giddy
time of nite. even noah, who wanted to quiet down and
go to sleep lay there with a silly grin on his face.

ah, but all things must end.
we said goodnite to yo (noah) and closed his door.
bumped into zakk in the hallway and started telling
him funny stories. he commented on how scary we were and
headed back to his quiet room.

a goodnite to josh, and a curling in with my own book.
as i rolled over to go to sleep, i smelled bob's aftershave
on my pillow. mmmmmmm........

i hugged it close and fell asleep smiling.

my sons

zakk wasn't feelin' good. he stayed home to just
hang out. yo and i headed to josh's for dinner.

the rhythm between family is one of my all time
favorite things. the pullin' the dishes out, the
choppin' the food, the chatterin' while we move
around each other. i love that.

as we sat around the table eating, we shared our
stories and thoughts. there wasn't a dull moment.
i had been waiting to tell them a story of mine,
so i shared. they came back with their thoughts
on it. we talked, asked questions, were interested
in each other. politics, relationships, work, and
dreams were mixed together with that meal.

all the while, i noticed zakk wasn't there.

when one is missing, i always feel it. always.
i hoped he was just layin' around resting.

and i watched us around the table.
i do that.
i watch.
and i treasure.

josh wanted to show us a song he'd been workin' on.

i laughed and i clapped and i squirmed with delight
on my stool.

one more?

absolutely!

one more?

absolutely!

we clapped for him, praised him, enjoyed him.

'you've gotten really good, josh, or it's been way too
long since i've heard you play,' yo said.

i smiled.
agreed heartily.

we talked of how he could tweak something he was struggling
with. he was inspired. rarin' to go to work on it.

we left him working, and headed out to the night.

the chatting was easy on the way home. and we both
delighted in what josh was doing. we fell into talk
of our own projects and what we were doing with them.
the support we share. the ideas we come to each other for.
the safe place to ask where to tweak, and how to tweak
things that we can't figure out. we all do that. we
all come to the others for ideas, and thoughts. i think
it's really unusual, and may be because we're all creating
our own work and we're all trying to learn as we go
along. whatever the reason, i know it's gold.

gettin' out of my car in my driveway under the moon,
i thought of josh back home workin' away on his song and
i smiled.

i know i can't keep them all under one roof...
and soon it will be many roofs.

but i saw how connected we all are.
and the love between us.

i was overwhelmed with gratitude.
and headed in to check on zakk.

see sawin'

there's been a bit of see sawin' goin' on
inside me lately.

several times recently, i've sat back and
thought 'mygosh, there's a whole lot of
ugliness in the world.' it kind of just
stuns me sometimes with how much ugliness
there is.

and i'll think that i really want to put
some good stuff out there. i've thought of
how we really need it more than ever, and
i have to at least add something to the good
heap. that we all should add what we can.
that it matters.

you can picture me on a see saw.
that thought would have me up in the high
seat with my legs dangling and kickin'.
smilin' at the sky.

and then.......whooosh bam!
i hit the ground. thud.

i don't want to be this open. i don't want
to show this much of myself. it's just not
a good place to be and i want to NOT do this.

and i sit on my seat in the ground, my shirt
tail layin' in the dirt.

and then i'll read the news or something,
and i'll have that similar thought that the
world needs more good things now and i'll
go back up in the air.

the past two weeks have been like that.
up and down up and down.

last nite i read this:

'the chinese wise man lao tzu counseled,
in times of adversity, make energetic progress
in the good. this is still the real work at
hand; for each one of us to meet the bad in
the world with the good in our own hearts.'

i am not kidding you.
i read five pages last nite. that's it five
pages of a book. and that was in there.

i put the book down and closed my eyes.

okay.
okay.
okay.

i'll keep tryin'.
even tho it's one heck of a scary place sometimes.
i'll keep tryin.

wiggle your nose

we were sittin' on her back porch admiring the day.
just gorgeous out.
she lives two doors down. we have a neighbor
between us. but you can see my yard from her yard.

we look over at this big ol' branch that got broken
on my trees in the winter storms. i hadn't even
noticed it.

'wow. look at that!' i said.

she said that was always the tree she looked at and
thought i should decorate for christmas. it's this
huge evergreen that i could never get up high enough
to decorate. we both laughed.

and then she made the cutest comment. like she was
a little girl. and she said we could just wiggle our
noses and the branch would get fixed. and then she
told me she's seen 'bewitched' on television.

i looked at her amazed. how can a woman in her eighties
be so like a little girl sometimes?

'wouldn't it be great if you got that magical power
when you turned eighty?' i asked her. 'you could just
wiggle your nose and you could move things, and fix things
and clean things.'

her entire body lit up for a moment.
it lit up so bright i was taken aback.

she LOVED the idea.
WOULDN'T THAT BE WONDERFUL! she said.
and her whole body just reacted.

it was the cutest moment. and such a sad moment at the
same time.

man, i wish i could give her that.
i so wish i could give her that.

i see her slowin' down a lot lately.
and i know it's the cycle and the way of life.

i think it sucks tho.

and it makes me sad.

and if i could, i'd give her that in a heartbeat.

ogden and pam, pam and ogden

i think i must have pointed pam out before...
but if i haven't, it certainly is time to.
and if i have, well, what the heck, she's
worth pointing out more than once! so go
check out pam's blog when you get a chance!

i really have come to love this woman. she's
full of wisdom and fun all at the same time.
she's a friend on face book and she let loose on
an ogden nash roll yesterday! she had me laughing
all day as i kept reading these great poems
she'd post.

she inspired me to go find my ogden nash book
i had as a kid. i can't believe how i found it
so easily. right there. pretty dusty. but right
there. i opened it up, it's falling apart and
the whole thing is yellowed. it's been awhile.

but i took it out and just loved reading it
again. i hadn't realized, but my mom actually
had exposed me to a fair amount of poetry as a
kid. she loved poetry. so i had poetry books that
she'd read to me and such.

and then i think she found this book at a garage
sale or something. it was used when i got it a
million years ago!

and my all time ever favorite poem was written by
ogden nash.

look at itsy bitsy mitzy!
see her figure slim and ritzy!
she eats pizza!
greedy mitzi!
she no longer itsy-bitsy!

i loved that as a kid. and i could actually remember
it so it stayed with me. that one and the one about
the old woman who swallowed a fly (who i have no idea
who wrote) remember that one???

anyway.....if you don't know ogden nash, you really
want to. and if you do know him and want to get a
refresher in his crazy mind, pam sent me a link to
a site that has a free e-book download of some of
his poems. i haven't gotten mine yet. but i will before
the end of the day!!!


figured it be fun to spread some ogden and sme pam today!

ya know, with a name like ogden, he had to have an outlet!
it makes sense............

toastin' poetry in all its forms!

this just kinda came out.....

tilting her head back, she asked.
laying in the sun, she asked.
mowing the lawn, she asked.
grocery shopping, she asked.
zipping their coats, she asked.
washing their dishes, she asked.
at parties, at events, at picnics,
at concerts, at family gatherings,
on the phone, over email,
in her letters, she asked.
ignite. bam. whoosh. shatter.
her answer exploded in her face.
her answer exploded in her veins.
her answer exploded in her heart.
her answer exploded in her soul.
the earth collapsed and covered her
people ran away.
the real ones stayed.
stood by with shovels.
the kids. what about the kids?
who takes care of them in an earthquake?
their needs moved the earth for her.
the top layers anyway.
standing up, still covered, but moving,
she did what she had to do.
no time for shovels yet.
make the sandwiches, read the books,
talk about their feelings.
walk to the woods and cry.
cover her head at nite and cry.
make breakfast and believe.
make lunch murmuring to herself.
“everything i need is inside me.”
over and over and over and over and over
and over and over and over.
spread your fingers wide, release them.
let them go.
spread your fingers wide. release them again.
scream in the car where no one can hear.
stay quiet when they're listening.
close the door and let it out.
anger fills you.
eat my dust.
anger fuels you.
believe you can do it.
know you can do it.
you can do it.
there is no choice.
you will do it.
make their dinner. wash their dishes.
figure out numbers. pray to god.
ask the universe.
do it.
stay up at nite and do what must be done.
get up early and do some more.
feel the sand under your eyelids.
try to laugh and see the light.
gather your courage.
swallow your pride.
go door to door.
sell yourself.
i can't do this.
you have to do this.
they'll take them.
you've got a deal.
phone calls ring.
our very first fax.
stomach knots on bill paying day.
checks coming in just when we need it.
guys we need this much money.
guys we got this much money.
it worked.
we did it.
the universe listened.
we danced.
we cried.
they leaned on my door and forgave me.
i cried.
i leaned on my door and still couldn't forgive me.
we grew.
they became men.
early.
cars got fixed.
websites got built.
plumbing, electrical, roofing, painting, digging,
mechanical, we can do it all. we have google we
have muscles. we have will.
i'm scared.
hold on.
we're a team.
air compressors proved it. we became unstoppable.
he watched. he helped. he read schematics for long
periods of time and understood them. he read me for
long periods of time and sometimes understood me.
we gathered round him.
we can help. your kids just need love.
we gave and gave and gave and gave and gave.
we must believe it did good that we will never see.
there was hurt and hurt and hurt some more.
we stepped back. he stepped closer. i stepped closer.
we laughed. we hurt. i cried. we committed. except
for the dogs. it's still a partial thing we have to hurdle.
but it's not. and we both know it.
the shovels have been out for years now.
digging is routine.
a way of life.
accepted and okay.
the kids are men.
they know pain, they know psychology
and they love me anyway.
one's moved further on.
two thinking about their own flights.
stuff whirls up again.
open you fingers and release.
open your fingers and let them go.
they aren't now.
you need to know.
he's not them.
they're not you.
love is there.
you found your way.
and you're moving forward.

likin' this.

okay, this one's short...but it's darn cool.

it's the very last part that gets me.

'The Wild Woman carries the bundles for healing;
she carries everything a woman needs to be and
know. she carries the medicine for all things.
she carries stories and dreams and words and
songs and signs and symbols. she is both vehicle
and destination.'

ohhhhhhh......and that vehicle and destination
part? don't you love it??

that's from the ever classic 'women who run with
the wolves.'

gonna spend some time with the wild woman today.

happy anniversary!

sometimes he amazes me with how much he knows me.
sometimes he amazes me with how clueless he is.
what a combination.
just when i think he doesn't understand a thing,
he slides right in there with such deep understanding
that he points out things i didn't even know.

i've grown.
years ago if i was having a day like yesterday, i
would have avoided him. 'isolated' is the term i
use. 'hid' is the term he uses.

but not now. i picked up the phone, told him a little
bit of what was goin' on.
and he slid in that awareness that stuns me.

later, after telling him of my going to some of my
women friends, he commented that sometimes he just
doesn't know how to help and that an estrogen IV seems
to be what i need.

i smile as i type this.

we have come so far.
we are both learning how to trust and love.

neither one of us was very good at it when we started.
bruised and tattered from our pasts, we became best
friends. encouraging each other and sharing our
strengths with each other, and stumbling a whole lot
along the way. could something beyond friendship last
between us? or would we lose all we have in that
attempt? we held our breath and jumped.

seven years later, we see that yes, it can be more,
yes it can last and it can grow.
and we've only just begun figuring out how much more
it really can be.

he teaches me to love like no other.
may i not miss this chance to really learn love.


if i can love you in my heart,
can i carry it down to my bones?
will my cells fill with it,
carrying it past any physical realm?
will i become love when i learn
to really love you?


happy anniversary, bob........

what a day

ohmygosh. yesterday turned out to be quite a day
of tears. apparently a lot was coming up. it was
kind of making sense and then not.

i called my surrogate mom first thing in the
morning. 'i don't even know what's wrong, but i
needed to talk to my mom.' true to form, she
dived right in there and acted like i gave her
a gift when she was the one giving.

'i think this is coming up now because you can
deal with it now,' she said. 'it's stuff that
you haven't quite finished with yet.'

she encouraged me, listened to me, and cried
with me.

and then a call later with my surrogate sister
helping me tie it all together and make sense out
of all the threads that were whirling around
inside. i heard her crying with me too.

what an amazing circle i have in my life.

it wasn't until i was cooking dinner tho, listening
to my girlfriend's cd, that something finally moved.
she was singing a song another friend of ours had
written. i could feel them both in the kitchen with me.
i was crying yet again, just listening.

i had talked myself out of my writing project. i didn't
want to do it. felt stupid and like it was a mistake.
i hadn't written in days. i had been writing every day
joyfully. and then, i stopped.

listening to my friend singing, i thought of how much
it means to me to be offered other people's souls.
when she sings, she's giving me herself. and that
matters to me.

i can't just stop trying to do that with my own stuff.
i can't let all this weirdness that's floating around
stop me.

i finished up the veggie experimental dinner i was
making, slipped it into the oven and came down to my
studio.

just write anything, i told myself.
write what's inside of you.

and my fingers took off flying on the keyboard.
i never reread it. i just typed.

and i could feel something open up again inside of me.

slipping into bed last nite, i felt so much better.
still not completely centered...but not layin' flat
on the floor anymore.

i've still got work to do. guess i always will.
it's a process.

and maybe it's a blessing when this stuff gets stirred
up. cause then it reminds me that my life is a choice
and what i do with it is up to me.

way mellow

oooh a lot of stuff came up inside me this weekend.
lots of stuff.

funny how it does that from time to time.

i've been following the news of the catholic
church and the molesting stuff.

it's hitting my buttons like i can't even believe.

and something that i had never thought of with my
own experience.....(which had nothing to do with the
church, by the way.)

when i was molested,
i didn't tell anybody. i didn't say a word.

but somewhere, i guess, i figured if i did, someone
would do something about it. i'm not sure i ever really
thought about it. but i think there was an assumption
of that somewhere inside of me.

it never ever occurred to me that people would help
to cover that up.

this weekend i kept thinking of what it would feel like
to have that happen.

i am stunned that there isn't more of an uproar over
this.

and so sad for all those people who got hurt.....and
then so hurt again by the reactions they got from
the people who should have taken care of them. and
that it's still going on.

there's a lot swirling in me this morning.
and that particular thing seems to cover
what's inside me.

why don't we take care of each other? why don't
we see? what could be more important?

feeling way way mellow today......

deb's work and a quote!

i just got the most beautiful newsletter
from my buddy, deb.

she's a photographer, and i love her
stuff.

next to one of her pictures she put this
quote:

"People are like stained glass windows:
They sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when the darkness sets in their true
beauty is revealed only if there is a
light within." --elizabeth kubler ross


ohmygosh, that actually just made me gasp.
i love that.

wanted to share.

and i wanted to share deb with you.
she's not only full of incredible talent,
she is one of the most generous people i
have ever met.


go check her out!

and let her know you were there! you'll make
her day!

melissa's blog

the tears are pouring down my face.
my gosh, life is full.

i just know her thru blogs and emails,
but i love her. more than she knows.

we've been talkin' a little bit lately
about offering who you are to the world.

and today i went to her blog and i
just cried.

she did something so brave today. so
brave, so true, so honest, so raw....

she offered all of herself.

in writing about beauty in her blog,
she put out there that she's a cutter.
and she wrote a little bit about that.
even tho her family didn't know and will
know now.

please, go over, read her blog, comment
and let her know it mattered.

i gotta say....i just never could wrap my
head around cutting. and her post really made
me understand it for the first time. ever.
and that right there helped so much.

melissa, i am so proud of you.
keep goin' girl..keep goin'.....

it's a party!

oh! oh! oh! i'm so excited.
we're having a party!!!

grab your party hats, something fun to munch
on, and some dancin' music! let's all
have a party!!!

okay. here's the deal.
one of the most lovely women on the planet
got married this week!!!

i didn't say anything cause i wasn't sure how
private it all was and i was just being reserved,
ya know?

reserved is REALLY hard for me. it truly is a
gift when i give it. cause i HATE reserved!!!

but!
i just saw she announced it in her blog!
and THEN a mutual friend announced it in HER blog
and started a party rollin'! OH YES!

we're celebrating mary!

AND! i THINK it's mary's birthday today. it's
either today or yesterday. i got so excited
reading dani's blog that i didn't have the
attention span to figure that out. i figured
who cares???? it's close enough no matter what!

mary's been thru a whole lot lately. a whole lot.
and now it's time to reach for some good things,
and enjoy the love she's got with mister jack!
who, by the way, is an awesome cool handsome guy
who i totally approve of!

it's times like this i know the romantic in me
hasn't died, cause i got so happy for them!
and it's a wedding! that's stretching me a bit...
but they are just perfect for each other. and
they look so darn beautiful, and they got married!!!

let's all take a minute and think of one of our
most wonderful romantic moments and smile and hold
it and wish mary and jack a life time full of those.

i know life isn't all romance..........but it sure
would be nice if it was!!

for today, we'll celebrate romance, love between
people that weathers the storms, beautiful friends,
and cake.

both birthday and wedding cake!

here's to you, mary!
toasting your beauty!

and to you, jack! toastin' your heart!

may you honor yourselves and each other and
the love you share every day of your life...

electrifying zings and coming back to where i started

when i first started bone sighs, i felt like i was
being led, like there was something beyond me with
it all. including even getting the name for the
business. that wasn't my pick. but i listened and
took it. and now love it.

it's been something like nine years now and i gotta
say, that feeling isn't the same. maybe i lost it.
i hate to say that. but something's been different.

last nite, there was a moment up at noah's computer
where this electric zing went thru me, and i felt
like i got it popped right back in front of my eyes.

when i type it out, it sounds like a stupid little
story...not this electrifying one that i feel it is.

but the deal is, i feel like something came thru me
that i heard, and we acted upon. and it was beyond
me. or deep inside me. however it is you want to look
at that stuff.

i kinda look at it as both.

anyway.....i walked this morning and thought of it.
thought of how it felt just like when i got 'bone sigh
arts' for my business name. and i felt excited to
remember that this just isn't my gig. there's more to
it, i don't have to run it. i just have to listen and
follow. (not sure if that's my heart, the flow or what,
just know there's something)

i decided to go up to my goodmorningworld spot and kinda
just hold all this.

i stood there looking up at the sky, tears in my eyes.

'it's been a long time,' i whispered. 'a long long time.'

i turned towards home and thought of all i had been thru
since i started. there's been a lot of sadness, too much
for me to hold..and i've turned my back on whatever this
is that is back in my face.

as i walked i tried to look up at the sky. but i couldjn't.
my head kept fallin' down.

it was like i needed to say something first.

tears ran down my face as i whispered a prayer of release.

looking up, i felt different.

guide me, today. i thought.
i'll listen.

i want to come back to where i started from.

warm tears

so i was laughing and had a really goofy stupid
story from my walk i was gonna post...
but before i could get here, i got a call from
someone i love so much.

her dad's dying. and it's been long and slow
and agonizing.

he's taking a turn for the worse and they all
dangle on and keep on goin'.

i could feel the tears runnin' down my cheeks
as i listened to her. it's cold in my studio.
no heat right now. i was sitting here chilled
and felt the tears. i noticed they were warm.

i let their warmth soothe me a little as i
tried to soothe her.

i just wrote someone this morning that i'm
trying to remember everyone's okay right where
they are.

and i think of my friend.
it doesn't feel all that okay.
it sure doesn't feel okay.

but mixed in it all is this deep love i have
for her.

i sit back amazed one more time that in the dark,
it's the love between people that is what we
can hang on to.

sometimes it's all we've got.

the love between people.

never take that for granted.

step right up!

so sometimes i think i'm intuitive and quick and
have an ability to read people...

and then...other times....i wonder how i made it
this far in life!

this morning was one of the wondering times.

we were talkin' on the phone. we haven't had
much time together at all and we're both tryin'
to cope with the distance.

we cope in different ways.
and just like most things about us, those ways are
very different.

and this morning, for the first time ever, his
coping mechanisms shot in front of my eyes and
i saw them clearly!!!

i've been in love with him for years. YEARS.
how have i not seen this before??!!

so there i am gleefully telling him what i see.

'ter, i have been trying to tell you this for
years.'

i laugh.

'don't bark at me. i'm really excited about this.'

he laughs back, tells me he wasn't barking.
good feelings just flood over me.

i hung up and went for my walk, i just about ran,
i had so much energy from the insight.

so how do you do this, ter? how do you miss something
so big and so obvious for years when you can understand
this stuff about people you barely know???

ahhhh...that's the thing, isn't it?

this man is the man i've given my heart to. he has
the power to crush that thing...and i know that.

and because of that, my insecurities play in with
him.

oh wow.
think about everyone i must do this with? think of
all the ways i don't really see what's going on
because of my own stuff!

it totally hit me as i walked.

but it wasn't bumming me out at all.
it was exciting me.

the more we drop of our stinking baggage, the more
we can see the people around us.

AND the more we can allow them to be who they are!!!

this whole thing has totally delighted me.

seeing ourselves/seeing others....those things are
so incredibly entangled.

i think before that used to overwhelm me.
and maybe it means i've traveled a bit of a distance
with it all, because now it totally excites me.

step right up. let me see you for who you really are.
and let me delight in your presence!

more goodies

okay, i was gonna say that this book is knocking my sox
off...but it's not. it's doin' something else...it's
quietly tucking me in at nite and holding me.
yeah, that's what it's doin'. and right now, that feels
so good.

she was quoting victor frankl the other nite and i wanted
to type out the whole thing. but it's kinda long. so i'll
just pick the part she italicized...

'you have your soul - what frankl called the last of the
human freedoms, the freedom to choose one's attitude in
any given set of circumstances.'

i read that and melted.

sounds really beautiful, doesn't it?
and then think of his story.....and it's just amazing.
(he's the guy who was in the concentration camps and lived
thru it and wrote 'man's search for meaning')
it's way more than beautiful...

it's way way way incredibly hard. just for me.
in regular good life.
how in the world did he do work that thru his life?

then last nite i read more....and wanted to type all
that out! again....i'll just take a tiny bit....

'i am learning that it is never either-or, but both
and more. not life or death, but life and death.
health and sickness, good and bad. both, and something
more. i am learning to love the human condition, to say
a full and rousing yes to it all, to work with it,
to choose it, just as it is, every day'

and that's a quote from a woman who has a whole difficult
life story that you gotta shake your head at and
wonder how she got to this point.

mmmmm.mmmmmm.mmmmm.

good stuff.
and it's tuckin' me in every nite.......

that's from 'broken open' by elizabeth lesser

find happiness with yourself

ohhh what a great spring morning!
the clouds were just so thick and heavy.
i watched them and thought yeah...yeah...
that's how i feel.....

they were gray and bulging and full of the
threat of rain.

yeah, yeah, that's how i feel, i thought.

i walked and felt the breeze on my face.

a thought ran thru my head.

'find happiness with yourself.'

that was it.

i had gotten on the treadmill a wee bit
crazed this morning. walked the craze out
and then goofed a little on face book which
makes me laugh, paid some bills which makes
me sigh with relief, and headed out feelin'
way better.

okay.
okay.

i can do that, i thought.

i walked and felt what a beautiful morning
it was. how lucky i was to be out in it.

my foot landed on something and there was
this dramatic sound. i looked down to see what
had happened.

i had squashed a glass bottle with my heel.

ohhhhhh........my foot was fine. i had my
ol' lady walkin' shoes on. my stomach kinda
flip flopped as i thought of what would have
happened to my heel if i didn't.

gratitude for these goofy shoes filled me.

'terri....silly.....if you didn't have these
goofy shoes on, you woulda had others on. you
woulda been fine in any case. and you never
woulda stepped on it barefoot' this voice
scoffed at me.

hmmph. i threw back my head in defiance.
my old lady walkin' shoes saved my heel.
i'd be bleedin' all over the street right now
and i'm grateful i'm not. SO THERE.

i looked up at the clouds.
they were lightening up.

like me.
i could feel myself lightening up.

and ohmygosh.....they started to fill with
color.

like me!
i could feel myself filling with color.

find happiness with yourself, i thought.

okay.
i can do that.

it's gonna be a good day.....

the little things...

he just came up with his arm full of boxes.
i opened the door wide and gave him a big ol'
'how you doin'?!'

'wassup blondie' he grins back.

he wanders in and plops the boxes down.
i asked how he was. he groaned about monday.

i nodded vigorously.
'is there something in particular about this
monday?' i asked sincerely, cause there's a
ton i want to do and i feel like i'm moving
under a pile of molasses.

'it sucks.' he said. 'weekend's over.'

and i laughed.
nodded and said i was with him.
altho, i really like mondays.

he wandered off we both turned back to our
days smiling.

got a note from my small business counselor.
apparently he was discussing me and bone sighs
in his 'working with creatives' workshop.

i laughed. told him he made creative people sound
like aliens....joked about that and laughed with
him on this end of the computer. i pictured him
smiling back.

i sat back and thought of the little laughs during
the day. and then i remembered the great hello
on my walk this morning. the guy actually rolled
down his window in the rain to give me a big ol'
wave.

i laughed and waved back.

i looked at him drive away and thought what a light
he was in the gray morning.

i watched his truck pull up the street and i thought
he has no idea what a light he is.

it's all those moments.
all those tiny, you don't think twice about them,
moments. the laughs, the smiles, the waves.

i love those things.
i just love those things.

today i'm feelin' a bit all over the place. and those
things center me. they make me feel good, they remind
me of what counts.

it's the little things......

a certain glow....

so i actually spent time in my shower thinking about
this. the time change. okay. i figured it out. it was
going to be lighter earlier! so i set my alarm earlier
so i could celebrate by taking an early walk!

i swear, i truly gave this a lot of thought.

ahem.

first problem was i set my alarm time for pm and not am.
ahem.

then when i heard zakk's alarm go off, way past the time
i had set mine to, i hopped right up. oh no! i missed
the early light!

ahem.

oh.

oh no.

darn i got it wrong.

darn.

darn these people! i have to adjust to this stupid daylight
savings time thing and i don't get it lighter earlier?? they
care about the other end of the day??? darn these people.

and then.......yep....you guess it.......i STILL managed to
miss the light coming up. it's rainy, and not exactly definite
when it's getting light. i still got out too late....

so okay.

my steel trap of a technical mind seems to need some WD40 this
morning....
but that didn't stop me from taking on life's questions.

i went out with a tiny question on my mind.

what exactly is love anyway???

oh no.

not again.

yep.

love.

i'm thinking about love again.

i got a note from someone telling me about their
marriage split up. ah, memories.

i have no right to, but i'm going to write her back
and remind her that loving someone is setting them free.

i thought a lot about that this morning.

i remembered my own stuff. and the visual of a moth
being cupped in someone's hands fluttering and fluttering
to get out and all their little wing powder gettin' knocked
off, came to me.

i picked 'moth' as they're small and i could see it cupped
in a hand....butterfly woulda worked. altho, i didn't know i
was one then.

cupping your hands around someone and holding tight isn't love.

now, i'm not sayin' this woman in the note is doin' that.
i just remembered having that done to me. and i want to tell
her so she can think about what love is.

so i thought about all this.
and i remembered reading that love is about spiritual growth.
yours or theirs or both of yours.

if i really think about that, and really hold that true,
it takes certain hurdles and changes the way they look.
okay, it prolly takes all the hurdles and changes the way
they look.

how about it's all about spiritual growth?

yeah.
how about that?

certainly does cast a certain glow on the day.....
with or without daylight savings time.

curling in...

i find myself in a funky mood this morning.
i wandered around my studio and read the notes
i have hanging all over my walls. some make
me laugh, some make me cry, one made me ache,
all touched me. that's why they're there.

pushing me further, encouraging me, holding me.

gonna shut off the world and turn inward today...

mixed

what a mixed up combination of things inside
me this morning as i watch the rain come down.

i got to a good spot inside and am excited to
conquer the world. and then i heard about her
health.

i'm hoping the news is all wrong. and that's
possible. the messenger gets mixed up. and
maybe the news is mixed up.

i tried to contact her and find out. didn't
work. i'm still waiting to hear.

so in the back of mind, and sometimes right
in the front of my mind, she's there.

i woke up slowly this morning. laying in bed
i just lay there and slowly opened my eyes.
my hair was hanging in front of my face making
a shadowy curtain for my eyes as i looked at
the dimly lit room.

i looked thru the curtain of my hair and
just lay still thinking of her. wondering how
she was. wondering what she was thinking.

after i heard the news yesterday, i wrote a
friend about living life with two feet in.

i'm filled with it.
now, tho, it's almost a panic. and i know that's
not right.

i watch the rain fall and try to steady myself.

we have no idea how long we're here. and as far
as i can tell, it's gonna feel too short no matter
what.

two feet in, ter.
not in a panicked kinda way.
no. that's not good.

two feet in in a trusting, kinda way.

more determined than ever this morning....
and a little wobbly too.

turning that corner

a corner has been turned here, and there's some
sense of excitement kinda flickering down deep
inside of me.

to explain, i have to go thru the wobbly part.
don't misunderstand and take the wobbly part as
what's goin'on.

cause that would be a big mistake!

i've been too chicken to do my numbers for the
year so far. i knew they were bad. just didn't
want to see how bad.

but something got into me, and i sat down and
did them.

woe.

really bad.

so bad that something happened. like there was a
snap inside. and any residues of moping and fear
driven slowness left me.

i turned to my computer and shot out an email
to these men in my life. (my sons and bob.)
i put out exactly what was up and then told them
the good news. as there was good news.

there are ways we can make this all work while
it's really slow.

i wrote them that i wasn't upset over the numbers,
that they were so bad that i had somehow hit
'warrior mode.' and i had.

it was cool to turn to the closest people in my
life and let them in on it.

i had a great day yesterday diving into everything.
one of the best days i've had in a long time.

this morning as i walked, thousands of thoughts
filled my head. searching thoughts. tryin' to figure
out how to do this or do that. reminding myself that
i can do this.

those kind of thoughts.

workin' hard thoughts.

and i was filled with some sense of excitement.
something felt really good.

and i thought back to when i started all of this in
the first place. there's a whole lot of the same feelings.

the 'how on earth am i going to pull this off?' thing
mixed in with an 'eat my dust' kinda attitude.

it's an odd feeling i've only had when i've
been faced with really big things.

and i felt it and loved it.

there's a big difference between now and when i started.
actually a few big differences....
first of all, we're already doin' it! whew.
that's a big one! we just need to keep making it work!
and second of all, my heart isn't layin' splat out
all torn to shreds. whew. another big one!

what a difference those two things make!

i'm excited to stretch myself again. to do things
that scare me again. to take the next steps i need to.
to not sit still.

to turn the corner......

i really truly am.

i didn't think i was a big fan of doin' things that
scared me. but this morning i'm kinda loving it.
it feels way alive.
it feels way challenging.
and it feels way good to know i'll do it.

i want to become more.

i've told the universe i don't need to be taught
with pain anymore. i'll get the lessons without
having my face kicked in, so take it easy.

and i feel like....if i mean that, then maybe
i'd better do that.

this morning i'm thinking the lesson is don't
sit still. keep growin'. keep stretchin'. do things
out of your comfort zone. trust when it looks like
you can't trust. cause that's the only time trust
really matters.

live your life with all of you.
pour yourself into it.
throw the regrets, the self doubt and the limitations
out the window.......

turn the corner and shine.

ohhhhhhhhhhh................i like that!

tommio

when i split up, i didn't know squat about life.
i didn't know how to take care of my own finances
let alone take care of a business!

he was one of the friends who stood by me and was
there thru the whole darn mess. and he was the one
who was concerned about teaching me a little bit
about finances. i called him my 'financial adviser.'

i remember his worried tone as i told him numbers
and we went over bills and income and plans on how
to pull this whole thing off.

he worried, he advised, and he always always
encouraged me. he never once told me i couldn't do
it. he never once said anything negative.

he would say things like 'to pay that amount in bills,
we're gonna need more income.'

and i'm laughing.
most would have said 'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? HOW THE
HECK ARE YOU GONNA DO THIS?!

but not him. he's always always told me i could do it.

he's been there since the very very beginning.
and today, he dropped me a note after receiving his
newsletter to tell me how proud he was of me, telling
me that i had come a long way.

i got teary reading it. i can't think of him and the
beginning days without remembering how hard it was then.

it's slow now. the economy is hurting things. but i've
been reminding myself that i'm paying my bills and i'm
still standing and for that i need to be grateful.

but his note reminded me of how far we've come. we are
miles further along from where we started. i've changed
so much. we're not only doin' fine, we're growin.

he and i have had a running joke for years that when i get
rich i'll buy him and his wife a condo. he mentioned the
condo today.

i had to tell him it's on hold right now....but we'll get
it. we'll get it.

to have a friend believe in you from the very start...
to understand your weak points and to offer to help strengthen
them in such an encouraging way...to never think (at least
out loud) that those weak points will break you...
to have a friend stand on the side and root you on....

it's priceless.

he's priceless.

thank you, tommio, for loving me the way you do.

creative friends

a friend left me a message just a bit ago....
thanking me for some music i gave her and said
she plays it while she paints.

i smiled.

i have the most creative friends!

painters, and singers, and songwriters and poets,
and reiki masters and writers and sculptors and
photographers and gardeners and yoga teachers....

it's the coolest thing.

and then i smiled more. cause i could picture
some of my friends shrink a little and say 'oh yeah,
but not me. i'm not creative.'

silly friends.

so not true.

you just haven't proclaimed it out loud yet.

one wants to write, one wants to play music, one
wants to grow incredible gardens, one loves to
bake.

it's all art. it's all creative. passion is art.
what is your passion?

we just gotta own it! it's in all of us!

a tea break

she stopped in for tea. she brought me a plant and
wanted to check in on me.

there is nothing like girlfriends.

we talked.
i hadn't shared any of my dreams in a long time.
just been keeping them to myself. but now, i kinda
let them pour out.

and i could hear all the hesitation and fear and
self doubt.

she even looked at me and said 'do you hear yourself??'

'this may be a two cup visit.' she said. 'we may need
another cup just to figure out what's goin on here.'

and we laughed.

and we talked.

and we talked of putting ourselves aside. that when
we can get away from it being about us, and look at
it as an offering, how we can give things then.

she told me what it was like when she shared her music
and how she felt about it.

i watched her face as she talked.
lit up and full of spirit.

when we offer ourselves, that's what happens.
we light up and fill with spirit.

i'm thinking there's no other reason you need than
that to step away from the self doubt and offer what is
inside of you.

you'll light up and fill with spirit.

so, okay....now i gotta do that!

workin' hard

was thinking about a comment a friend left to remind me that
maybe it wasn't workin' hard that i need to do so much as
turning the sadness and fear i sometimes feel into joy at
working with what i'm doing.

i was smiling when i thought of it.

i love what i do. so when i say i gotta work harder,
i guess that's really a big part of what i mean. if there's
no joy, it definitely isn't my work.

i want to work harder by trying harder, throwing myself
in deeper, thinking broader and wider and more creative,
and yeah, putting in more time and effort.

working harder for me is stretching myself more and digging
deeper and stepping into my fear. and i want to do that.
it's certainly not all joyful....but it leads to joy for sure.

i was thinking that 'work' has a negative connotation a lot
of times. and i really like the concept of work.

as i was thinking of this, i was walking by my elderly
neighbor's house. she hollered for me to come in and visit.

i'm behind already this morning, and normally wouldn't have
stopped. but there she was with a big smile.

c'mon in!

i went in and visited.

it took effort to go in and sit myself down and get in a
chatty space. but i did. and it was so worthwhile and good.

it took effort. was it work? well, that might be stretching
it...but it certainly was intentional and not what i would
have chosen to do right then. i did it because it was necessary
to be part of who i wanted to be.

as i was leaving, the neighbor across the street was headin'
to her car. she stopped me to tell me again how much she
appreciated my sons helping them out in the blizzard.

i thought of my sons out there shoveling out the neighborhood.
talk about work. they worked really hard. even those big
strong guys were sore for days.

they worked hard. they put in a lot of time.
and they felt really good about it.

i like working hard. i like the discipline of it, i like
where it takes me, and i like knowing i can do it.

i actually find joy in that.

so what i think i have to remember when i'm struggling and
thinking 'oh great, i have to work harder,' is that that's
a GOOD thing. i like it.

and as soon as i get involved in it, there's this wonderful
transformation that takes place inside me.

there's joy in that.

i just need to remember all this when i hit one of those
low points.......

strange starts

i walked and felt the morning. it was so soft and
gentle. it felt like how i felt this morning.
i grinned. it wasn't until recently that i even knew
i was gentle. i always thought i was just a loud,
bumbling clod. yeah. i know.

but i've noticed i'm gentle, and now i can feel
the gentle inside me sometimes.

this morning i walked and let the gentleness of
the morning mix with my insides. it felt so good.

i walked by her house. her recycling was out, her
light was on. so i rang her doorbell.

she answered the door wrapped in a blanket, my eyes
got big and i asked her if i woke her.

nope. she just hadn't gotten dressed yet. come on
in!

i started telling her about the morning. told her
it was gentle and soft. she hadn't quite warmed up
to me yet and looked at me like i was a wacko who
just walked in off the street.

she's been having a hard time lately. i promised
myself i would visit more. and as we sat chatting,
i glanced at her clock.

it was 6:30 in the morning.

okay, ter, maybe visit more, but not quite so early.
you may have less of the wacko feel if it's a regular
hour.

i grinned. joked with her about it.

and then my cell phone rang.
sitting in her living room at 6:30 the phone in my
pocket rings.

and the morning has been moving along strange ever
since.

i like strange starts. i like strange days.
once in awhile. not every day. but once in awhile.

they remind me how cool life is. how packed full it is,
and how incredibly goofy it can be.

life never seems to go quite the way i think it will...
and mostly, i think that's kinda cool.
strange days remind me of that.

a vow to my partner

for friends of mine preparing to marry...
for friends of mine who just did marry...
i send this out to you.



a vow to my partner

"i will be mindful of the act of loving you
every day of my life.

i will not take you for granted,
but will keep my eyes open to the treasure
that you are,
allowing room for your individuality
and your own uniqueness.

i will not try to bend you to my ways,
but rather open myself to your ways as being
part of who you are.

i will embrace all of you.
the dark parts along with the light.
because, together,
those parts create the being that i love.

i will accept you,
respect you and admire you.
and if something comes between us
to make me stumble with this,
i will go to you and ask your help
with my struggle.

i will bring my challenges to you,
looking for your thoughts and support
and i will return that support to you freely.

when i'm hurt, i will believe in your love for me,
i will bring you my hurt,
and together we will grow from it
and then put it aside.

i will share all of myself with you,
for i know to receive your entire heart,
you must have mine.

together, we will work,
we will play,
we will laugh,
we will grieve,
and we will find our way.

together we will live gratitude
together we will touch love."

awesome quote!

ohhhh.....
read this last nite.....
had to share.......

'when i noticed someone teetering near the edge,
i would pray for her to walk around the abyss.
now i pray for something different. i pray that
each one of us stays awake as we fall. i pray
that we choose to go into the abyss willingly
and that our fall is cushioned by faith -
faith that at the bottom we will be caught and
taught and turned toward the light. i pray that
we don't waste precious energy feeling ashamed
of our mistakes, or embarrassed by our flaws.
after years of teaching, i know only a few
things for sure. one is this: we are chunks of
dense matter that need to be cracked open.
our errors and failings are chinks in the heart's
armor through which our true colors can shine.'

-broken open, by elizabeth lesser

women's day!

i completely forgot it was international women's day
today!!! i had noticed it on the calendar a week ago
and was teasing with bob cause it is also mustache
monday! what a great combination!

a friend just sent me an ecard wishing me a good one,
and i smiled...yes! the perfect day for this!

and another friend sent me a picture of a little girl
who just got her school pass in south africa!

how's that for the perfect celebration of international
women's day?!!

so i sit back and think of all that i have......
and all that i want to do. and all that i'm able to do
because i live where i live.

it's a mixture of both gratitude for what i have
and angst for women not so lucky.

i think of the feeling sad yesterday that things aren't
easier sometimes.
and i think 'you have got to be kidding. you're getting
soft, st. cloud.'

i've got so much.
and i'm gonna create even more!

and i'm celebrating that i can! and i'm celebrating
being a woman! and i'm celebrating women's day today!

to women everywhere......your spirit shines, your
strength and beauty glows, you rock my world!

and when you can't see your own glory, that's okay,
cause the rest of us see it, and we hold on to it for you.

that's one of the most amazing things about women.
we hold on to it for each other.
i love that.

lifting my tea to women!

turnin' to a good day....

yesterday was pay bills and finish taxes day.

at one point, i was sitting at my desk waiting
for turbo tax to load and staring at sheets of
numbers in front of me.

my eyes got teary. i was lost deep in thought,
and it wasn't happy thought.

apparently, it was written all over my face.
yo walked up behind me. i had no idea he was
there. 'you okay?' he asked.

oh great.
i thought i was alone.

oh yeah, i said.
just a little overwhelmed with the numbers.
a tear or two trickled out.

later that nite, i had the 'okay, for a little
bit we tighten the belt' conversation with the
guys.

we've had it before. everyone knows the drill.
and everyone was good about it.

this time was different for me tho.
i wasn't freaking out scared we weren't going to
make it, like i have been in the past.

i was just plain ol' sad it wasn't easier.

i just wanted it to be easier.
i was feelin' sorry for myself.

ahhhhhhhh..........that ol' feel sorry for yourself
place.

yeah.

funny too, as i had just this weekend told several
different people i wasn't worried about the money
right now. i knew it'd come.

and that's true.
i'm not really worried.

i was just sad it wasn't comin' faster, easier and
in way bigger amounts!

grin.

now careful, this really isn't a money whine. it's a
set up for something bigger.

cause we all have something we're sad about that it's
not easier, more, or better right now. we all have to
take those things and work with them.

so i walked this morning.....and i thought 'okay. so it's
not how you want it. that's the deal right now. what are
you gonna do about it?'

for me, it means workin' harder, thinkin' more creative,
and tryin' different approaches and MAKING it what i want.

it's not gonna get handed to me.
'if it was easy, ter, everyone would do it.'

but....i whined....i'm already workin' hard and puttin' in
a ton of time.

so? i answered the whine.

right now it's not an easy time.
so do what you have to do to make it better.

sittin' back in the chair sad, ter, isn't gonna help.
okay. so be sad for a little bit. you did that.
good. feel it. okay. good. give yourself some space for
that.

and then?
get up today and dig in.
don't make it about sad.
make it about challenge.
make it about being up for the challenge.

make it about knowing you can do it and then doing it.

hmmmmmmmmmm........
was a pretty good walk.

and i thought about all life stuff.
it's up to us what we make out of it.

today i don't want to do the feel sorry for myself stuff.
i want to stand up face to face to it all, and say
okay...i'm gonna take it where i can. and that's gonna
be one heck of a cool place.

turnin' to a good day....

an event

so i squirmed.

a lot of this event made me uncomfortable.

i sat with my sons trying to stay present
and respectful.

at one point i was trying to stifle a yawn,
and a noise came out.

i put my hand to my mouth, leaned over to
yo's ear and asked 'did i just make a noise??'

he grinned and whispered back...'you just
couldn't stay quiet, could you?'

and i have to admit, a large part of me
wanted to scream.

when the guys and i piled back into the car,
i was pleased to see that it had even made
zakk a little crazy and he was actually venting
in the car. my non-verbal son turned verbal.

when i asked him what he thought, he blurted
out answers that made my eyes get wide.

i sat back and grinned as he vented.

and the thing that made me smile the most....
all my sons caught the women's issues goin' on
in that service. they all caught how skewed it
had been. the inequality goin' on there.

ah....i thought.

they can see this stuff.
i don't need to point it out.
they see it, and they cringe.

i am raising men the world needs.

and suddenly i was so glad we had sat thru this
event.

a nite to remember

there were two women who were scheduled to talk.
they came up to me, i thought to just say hi.

as the one with laryngitis tried to talk to me,
i heard her voice.

uh oh.

and then they asked me.
would i fill in for her.

i squirmed.

really really squirmed.

i'm really shy, i told them.
i blush a lot. i'll blush all the way thru
it.

they looked at me and told me it would really help
them out.....and that my blushing would match
my shirt, and it would all be great practice for me.

sigh.

i didn't want to be a drag.
i wanted to be a big girl. step up if they needed it.
sigh.

sure.
of course.
sure.
yeah. i can do this.

um....what are we sposed to do???

just talk about how being a woman has affected your
art.

oh.
sure.
sure.

huh???

i went off to find my sons.
all i could think of was i needed help!

they were both talking to someone.
the woman was closer to josh and seemed
to be telling him something.

i grabbed yo yo.
i just walked over, took his arm.

excuse me, i need to grab him for a second.

and i pulled him off to the side.
'NOAh! (yo's real name) they want me to talk about
the femininity in my art! ohmygosh, help me!'

he looked down from way up high where he stands and
smiled that gentle smile of his.

'mom, that's all your art is. it'll be easy.'

'where do i start?? what do i say??'

and he put his arm around me and told me to just
talk, it'd be fine.'

sigh.

a dear friend of mine was standing near by. i walked
up to him. thunked my head on his shoulder and said
ohmygosh, they want me to talk.

there was no time for him to respond......we were up.

can we just sit here? i quietly asked the woman i was
doin' this with. i knew her, she's a friend, she knew
i was way shy. she had told me to just follow her lead.

sure, she said.
and we sat down in these little folding chairs.

whew.
i can do this better if i sit, i thought.

and then.......someone announced us, and my buddy
stands up and walks in front of everyone, and turns
to speak to them.

oh. my. gosh.

no chairs???

she was polished and confident and knew what to say
and launched into a talk about her art.

oh. my. gosh.

and then it was my turn.

i went up blushing.

oh great start.
my knees were shaking.
and my mouth was dry.

oh great.

maybe if i move around just a little bit, you
won't notice my shaking knees, i thought.
so i moved my feet a bit.
josh was laughing about this on the way home
and telling me it was endearing.

oh great.
endearing.

great.

and so i talked. in front of everyone.

when it was all over, a friend of mine who holds
a spot in my heart that no one else does gave me a
hug and told me i couldn't have done better if
i had practiced for hours.

he's symbolic to me. he was the first man to
ever 'get' bone sighs. his presence and his affirmation
mattered a ton to me.

my surrogate mom was there and she hugged me and
told me she loved me. i sank into her arms.

and then josh came up.
he was beaming.

he took both my hands and told me he had never been
so proud of me in his whole life.

and just beamed at me.
i leaned my head close to his.

josh, was it totally incoherent???
i was still wobbling.
he laughed, shook his head and said not at all.

thru the wobbling, i still saw his beaming.

what a nite.

and then i got to drive home with my sons.
and they talked to me about the evening and
we laughed and joked and talked about where we
wanted to go with our lives...

how on earth did i ever get to be this lucky,
i wondered as i looked out the window up at the
stars........

it's a nite i'll always remember......

sacred moments

i was coming out of the little kitchen area.
back out to the main area.
and she walked up to me and asked 'are you terri?'

i smiled and said yeah.

and she just looked at me straight in the eyes
and said 'you saved my life.'

my eyes got big and she told me her name.

i gasped and gave her a big hug.

she had come thru my email box awhile ago.
had found my art at this gallery we were standing
in now, had liked it.
i sent her a few things.
but we hadn't communicated in ages.

and there she was. looking at me with those
intense eyes of hers.

and then she said she had made something for me
and gave me the most beautiful necklace.

'it's a flawed pearl' she told me. and explained
that she thought the symbolism was perfect.

i held it and looked.......the pearl was sitting
at the bottom of metal that she had shaped.

'it's a tear drop' i said as i looked.

the pearl was sitting in the outline of a metal
tear drop.

wow.
wow.
wow.
it's gorgeous.

i ran off to the bathroom to go look in the mirror
and put it on.

and then i found her again to really thank her
and show her how pretty it looked.

i showed everyone i talked to.
'look. look what someone made me!'
and i felt so lucky all nite.

okay.
so.
we all know without me saying....
i didn't save this woman's life.
i know that.
you know that.
and she knows that.

she saved her life.

but my work touched her somehow.

and when i had sent her some things, i remember
she had wanted to give back.

so there's logic to it, it's not as earth moving
as it sounded......

but in a way, it was.

because someone i had never met before walked up to
me and told me i mattered.

and meant it.

and i tell ya, there is something about eye contact
that can just totally let souls touch.

when she looked at me, i felt like our souls did
exactly that. they touched.

when i got home last nite, and was headin' into the
shower, i took off my necklace. i held it and looked
at it. i thought of her. of what she had done for me.

i didn't know where to put it. i didn't want to just
flop it down somewhere. i hung it on the knob of my
medicine cabinet. and it's funny, but i did it with
such care, that you woulda thought it was sacred.

i smiled.

so, okay, maybe it is.

moments like that make me fall to my knees in gratitude.
i am filled with that this morning...

good questions...

there's a topic that's big on my mind that i
wanted to put out here. feels important.
haven't done so yet as i don't know how to nutshell it.

i'm thinking that a lot of times people get placed
into 'roles' in their lives and people 'love' them
for their fulfillment of those roles.

for me, i felt that happen.
i was loved when i was the good daughter, the good
wife and mom, the good whatever.

when i didn't fill the role, that love took some pretty
big turns.

as far as i can tell, it was the role that was loved.
not me.

i didn't feel seen, even tho people claimed they knew
me very well. i didn't feel known.

i didn't feel known.
by the people closest to me.

that sucks.
what's cool, is i'm not weighed down with that
anymore. that's past.

BUT it comes up in present when i even get a hint
that it might be happening again!

in talking with bob this weekend, he helped me see
how important that is to me now. how if i feel like
the 'role' thing is happening, i run the other way,
shut down, and leave.

and yeah, i think i do.

we talked of the differences of 'taking someone for
granted' and 'needing someone to fill a role.'

i think they're different. neither feels good.
but the taking for granted is something everyone does
at some point. and if there's real love there, a gentle
pointing that out should fix the problem. (if it
doesn't....well, that's a whole 'nother story!)

but the role thing.....that's not so easy to fix.
someone needs you to be something. so much so that they
give up who you are and make you who they want you
to be.

the reason i put it out here is because it's on my mind
and also, i find when i word things like this, put them
out in a way i can step back and look, it helps me see
what i'm doing with my relationships. from both ends.
i look to make sure i'm not filling a role, and also to
make sure i'm not making anyone else fill a role.

that's especially helpful with parents, i think.
i look at my sons and want to make sure i'm not doin' that
to them. that kinda thing.

and i thought it might be a good thing to offer. for anyone
else who wants to step back and look.

are you fillin' a role for someone?
how come?
are you asking someone else to fill a role for you?
how come?

good questions, i think........

happy birthday pop!

here's really big news for me!
it's my dad's birthday today.
and i'm doin' great!
ha!

two years ago, i crumbled.
which is okay.
it's okay to crumble.

i crumbled and i binged.
i had been eating healthy all year,
and i just fell apart that day.
and i binged my little heart out.

last year i got real mellow and wondered
what i could do to honor my dad's memory.
and i tried real hard to be more of who i
was that day. i missed him a lot.

today i've been feelin' rockin' good.
i smiled, tossed off a 'happy birthday, pop!'
and have been doin' all kindsa stuff i needed
to do today.

all the while feeling like i don't need to
try right now....that i'm honoring him today
cause i am feeling really good about where i'm
at. and i'm living who i am.

in fact.....i told a secret today to a friend.
and you know what???
i think i'm gonna tell it right here.
cause i feel so darn good today.
and it can be a birthday thing....

i made a decision recently.

for me, a very big one.....

i want to be a writer.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

go figure.

and i'm workin' on a book.
and i like doin' it.

woe.
i haven't really said that around yet.
woe.

how cool is that???

my dad was a writer.

a technical dry kinda writer. we couldn't
be more worlds apart with our styles.

but ya know what?
i'm okay with that!

because there's valid places for both styles.

ohhhhh.......

look at that.

there's valid places for both styles.
for all styles.

and today, i feel real good about livin' my
own style.


how totally awesome darn cool is that??

happy birthday, pop.
i honor your memory with my happiness today.

and that feels so good....

in or out?

i was on the tread mill this morning.
just barely. i had come in from a walk and
on the walk had felt like a bear just wakin'
up after hibernation. i felt great inside.
but as i got on the treadmill, i was feelin'
more like a sluggish bear. lazy.

i was doin' the minimum.
and i was thinking.

in the past few days, i've had conversations
with four different friends about really
difficult situations in their lives. and each
time i could see that they needed to release.

ah.
easy for me to say, huh?
it's a whole lot nicer when it's THEM who have
to release and not me!!!

and every single one of these people are in a
situation that to release would take enormous
muscle power.

and as i walked, i thought about it.
ENORMOUS muscle power.

and i thought how cool it was that you needed
muscle to release.

kinda interesting.

and then i thought of my own times where it took
enormous muscle and how i certainly didn't do it
over nite. it took about 9 million gazillion muscle
flexes before i even got close to it.
and then eventually, one of those flexes knocked
the stuff outta my hands and i could release.

so i get it's not an overnite thing. if it's even
achievable. i totally get that.

but i got to thinking about how at some point we
need to be honest with ourselves and say 'i'm gonna
do the work' or not. it's an okay thing to not do
it. that's our choice. but i think we really need
to know if we're in or we're out.

and then i saw myself doin' the minimal on the tread
mill.

oh, yeah, terri???
are you in or are you out???

and i started workin' harder.
if i'm on this stupid tread mill in the first place,
why don't i work it???

it's so so so darn easy to say i'm in and just do the
minimal. that comes way too easy for me.

and so i decided to really be in.
and i watched.
it felt BETTER to put more effort in to it.
and the focus of my attention changed. and i could
feel my body more. i was more in tune.

and then i don't know how to say this......it went
to a different level. i understood my body more or
something odd like that. it was just different.

it had changed things for me.
for the better for sure.
i felt like i was really doin' it instead of sleep
walkin' thru it.

okay.
how's that work with what i was just thinking about,
i wondered.

and i think it boiled down to this.....
decide if you're in or out.
no judgments either way. just choose.
then if you're out, accept that and be okay with it.

if you're in.......be really in.
know it takes work to release.
know that it won't happen over nite.
build your muscles.
catch yourself over and over when you're goin' in
the wrong direction. redirect yourself over and over.
focus. keep on focusing on what you want.

and after a bit, you'll get in tune with that.
and it'll change. something will change....
and you'll become more of what you're aiming at.

ohhhhhhhh i liked this.

i got off the tread mill feelin' pretty good.

this applies to everything doesn't it???

hmmmmm........