coming back

wow, i've been sick.
sicker than i have been in years and years.
got knocked way flat.

and i think it's just wild cause i really just checked out.
my brain was on coast.
my brain is rarely on coast.
so i'm kinda grinning thinking my body said, okay, we're gonna kick
it into gear here and get the girl to sit back and rest.

i haven't slept this much ever.

yesterday i started coming back to life, and so did the thoughts.
which turned me into a blubbering fool.....at every turn, i just cried.

today i'm a little stronger, well on my way, turning to the mountain of work
ahead of me, aware that i'm here to tackle it and what a blessing that is,
and absolutely okay with pacing myself.

my thoughts are scattered and not worth much to anyone else.

what's on my mind is a shift i feel inside myself.
'shifts' amaze me.
i can feel them happen, i never expect them to happen,
and i never really knew they could happen.
it's like i didn't really know there was something else to shift towards.
not sure how to explain it - except that they generally thrill me because
they're a total surprise and i know they take me to the next level.

this one feels like it's taking me deeper into my 'home' i was talking about a few
posts down. just a deeper appreciation of it, a deeper understanding of it,
and maybe just a deeper awareness that it's where i dwell now.

and i like that a lot.

as things come up i'll type them out. i'm so fuzzy headed i have a fear i'll never
really be able to be clear again. and then i laugh. i wasn't ever all that clear in
the first place! it may only add to the fun for a bit.

and that's where i am on this saturday morning.
turning back to a life that is my own with eagerness and gratitude.

what i'd start a funeral with....

having sat thru two funerals and feeling many different things,
i wanted to spend a moment to write what i'd start a funeral with.
it's just therapy for me today. if you have a moment and want to read,
go for it. if not, that's okay too. i just needed to type this out....



we gather today to honor a life that touched our hearts, and to grieve
a passing that we just can't fully understand.

when someone comes along and touches us, it changes us. sometimes
the change is so big and obvious, there's no question as to how our lives
are different. and sometimes the touch was so quick, it's hard to believe
the difference it made. but the fact that we're here is absolutely because
of those differences that person has made in us now. and to honor that is
to honor the one who passed.

when someone we care about dies, it throws everything into a confused
jumble and at the same time, it organizes life for us with perspective.

the fleetingness of it all, the reminder to live fully and presently, not to waste
what we have, comes slamming down on us.the things we care about and love
the most come forward into focus. and the ache and the fear of the the grieving
of our loss covers us.

some of us have a faith we turn to lean heavily on. it is truth for us which is why
we can lean so fully into it. some of us thought we had a faith to lean on and then
realized it's not there for us right now. that it doesn't fit anymore. and some of us
have only questions, no answers, nothing in particular to hold on to.

all of these places are valid, none is better than the other. wherever we are in our
hearts as we sit here is where we are and there's value in every place on the journey.
if we open to wherever we are, and listen to our fears, our hopes our struggles,
we become more. for it is in the act of listening and trusting our process that we
create space to grow and move deeper into being all we can be.

whatever faith our loved one was, we will celebrate today wrapped in that perspective.
it may not fit your own, but it was theirs and we honor their journey, their beliefs.
some say jesus, some say yahweh, some say the divine, but the essence of all these
things is what matters today.

the essence of love - love so deep and so wide and so beyond our comprehension-
that's what's behind the words today.

don't get stuck in the words, the rules you feel go hand in hand with those words.
don't get stuck there. go to a place of love as you sit here.

try to hold gratitude for the time you shared with our loved one. it was a gift,
a privilege and an honor. let us hold it as that as deeply as we can.

if frustration, anger, hurt or any feeling at all comes charging in - allow it.
those are our responses to loss and fear and the not understanding of the mystery
of it all.

whatever our beliefs, we can probably all agree that it's a mystery. a mystery
which we will all enter at some point. let us sit here together and let that bond us,
and let our bond of being human hold us today.

and let us turn to honoring the one we all care about and the one we're all here
for today...let us turn to holding them as fully as we can as a group and somehow
understanding that just that very act will be an act of honoring them that matters.

all done...

yesterday was the funeral.
and i don't even have words.

i found the day incredibly hard and came home with a pounding headache.
last nite i had a fever and trouble sleeping.

i'm better today. no fever.
it was an odd kinda thing goin' on.
it almost felt like my body had to do whatever it did last nite.

i don't know how to even begin to express what's inside of me.
but i will definitely be writing later this week.

i think that one thing i'm gonna write is what i'd like to hear at a funeral.
i've been to two this week and each time what i heard not only left
me empty, it left me a little bit crazed.

it's time to settle in to some quiet and do my grieving in my own way.
i can see how much i need that now, and i can see how good that is
to do.

a new tool....

here's a cool thought i figure can be helpful for us all...
it's about 'identities.'

there's been a lotta talk about this around here as i spent the last
few days immersed back in life with my family. we've been talking
about what we see as our identity and what others see as some of theirs.

i guess the deal is you can have multiple ones.
like i'm a mom, artist, writer, girlfriend, whatever whatever whatever.
you get the idea.

and we operate from these spots we see ourselves in.

i used to identify strongly with being a nurturing daughter and person
who kinda helped glue the family together.

i don't have that one anymore. that one kinda got pushed right outta me.
but it's cool to see how i used to have it, what i did because of it,
and how i don't have it anymore and how it affects me not to have it.

so it might be cool to find an identity you used to have but don't anymore.
it's fun to toy with and look at.

okay, so we have these things and we operate from them.
and according to my brilliant son who had been reading about all this,
if someone threatens that identity we get upset.

interesting, don't you think?

and according to some of the stuff he's read, if we want to change some
stuff about us, we can work on changing our identities. i don't know any more
than that, but thought it was fascinating.

so the last few days, it was not only helpful to look at my own stuff,
it was helpful to look at other people around me and what they had goin' on.

ohmygosh, from what i saw this is a really big thing for us to look at.
wanted to put it out there for anyone else interested to toy with.

if you're really struggling with something, maybe look at what identity is
being threatened and see if that identity is something that still fits for you.

i'm gonna be doin' that too......

humility

humility - the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of
one's own importance, rank, etc.


something dawned on me last nite when everything was all quiet and i was looking
back on the evening -

you can mingle in a crowd of people, talk to quite a variety of them, and you can
absolutely feel their level of humility as you converse.

no.
more than that.

a simple look in the eyes can convey humility.
or not.

and i understood what a beautiful trait it is.

and i understood the beauty that's lacking when it's lacking.

it's another class i'd add to the life lesson college - humility 101, let's all learn to have it.

the quote today...

sometimes my friends tease me and insist that our 'quote of the day'
bonesigh that comes in the email simply cannot be random. i laugh and
assure them it is.

two challenging days for me, yesterday and today, left me with the
same feeling i've heard from them. 'these aren't random. something's going on here.'

having just mentioned home yesterday here in the blog -
i wanted to post it here for anyone who doesn't get the quote of the day.

i read it, gasped, smiled and sighed a big sigh.



welcome home

standing up after the earthquake,
she saw everything had changed.
one world had crumbled to ashes
while another had grown solid and real.
clouds of peace surrounded it.
love supported it
and forgiveness dwelled among it.
looking up at the gate as she entered
she read the words, 'welcome home.'

a bone sigh

so i'm packin' an order.
right in the middle of it and this comes.
i grab a scrap of paper and write it down.........

this is exactly where i am right now -

the light we're looking for

maybe it's not all darkness, she thought.

maybe it's a chance for us to be who we really are.

and maybe that's the light that shines in the darkness.

maybe we're the light we're looking for.

holdin' the holy

i'm not sure how to explain this,
but i want to try.

i can sound like a broken record to my friends about always
reminding them that there's gold in the darkness.
over and over i say that....and thing is, i believe it.
i really do.

there's some gold happening with me right now.
it's not all sadness and dark.
that's up on the upper level....it's there.
it's interesting what it does to me too.
it scatters me.
scatters my thoughts, makes it hard for me to concentrate.
i don't know who i've said what to.
i get tired really fast.
tears come at a drop of a hat.
that kinda thing.

but underneath, on a deeper level, there's this incredible hunk of
gold that i'm holding.

it's almost too gorgeous, too beautiful, too lovely to hold.

almost.

cause i'm not stupid.
i'm gonna hold something that amazing.

and thing is......i've been diggin' in the darkness for years to find this.
i'm absolutely gonna hold it.

i've found 'home.'

go figure.

i've found where home is for me.
i fit and i grow and i become more there.
it's safe, it's strong, and it's where i want to be.

that's no small thing i'm typing here.
i know plenty of people who never find that.
i understand just how big this is.
i understand what a gift this is that i'm holding.
i really really do.

and right now, in the situation i'm in, i can clearly see it.
i can clearly see that i needed to leave one life to find another
and that i'm where i want to be.

and that i've got a gift like no other.
and thru the dark sad stuff i'm walkin' in right now,
the light from this gold nugget is always always with me.

there's holiness here for me.
i feel it, i hold it, and i'm gonna do my best to honor it.
i'm consciously going to try to honor it with every encounter i have the next few days.

i've got everything.
there is absolutely no reason on earth i need to begrudge anyone else anything
they've got. there's absolutely no reason on earth i need to be angry or resentful.

when you're holdin' the holy, you don't need to hold the garbage.
ya know?

and yeah, i'll forget. and i'll pick up stuff i don't need again.
cause that's part of the journey.
but i'm pretty sure i can hold the holy for a few days here and offer love as i go along.
and in that, i can also honor the women in my life who just died.

and i think somehow it's the most coolest thing goin' on.
and i'm so lucky to be where i'm at.

bubbles

josh and i pulled into the church parking lot.
the parking was full except for all these reserved parking spots.
they weren't reserved for the funeral.
they looked permanently reserved.
we were both too tired to deal with that silliness.
josh parked in one of the spots, got out, took the sign out of
the ground, stuck it in the back of his car and told me he'd
put it back when we were done.

i laughed.i loved it. i was so tired of rules and people
who took things so seriously. this was perfect.
and in we went together.

there was a few moments in the service where they asked for a
silent meditation. time for us to think our own thoughts about my friend
who had died.

i bowed my head, but i didn't close my eyes.
'meribeth, if you can even hear this, i can't do this now. you know i'll
start sobbing and make a scene. i'll do this later when i walk, okay?
right now i'm just gonna think about groceries or something so i don't
fall apart.'

and i did.
i can get into my heart way too easy and way too fast and the group
of people just didn't need the reactions to that that would certainly surface.
i grinned. and knew she'd be okay with that.

we specifically went so we could tell her son we were there if he needed us.
we got a chance to do that, and then left.
josh put the sign back in its spot and we headed back.
it was an hour drive so we had a good chance to talk.

life/death/the point of it all/winning/losing/success/love were covered
as we drove down the highway. it was good.

he dropped me off at bob's and he went off to yet another funeral.

there was wandering around with bob, meeting all the guys for a drink after
josh's second funeral, more wandering with the man, and then the drive home with him.

and it was then i finally remembered to tell him something that mattered
between us. i've been so fuzzy brained, i kinda shook my head and said
'i can't believe i haven't told you this....'  and then told him something from
my heart. he looked over at me as he drove. looked me in the eyes and i knew he
got it.

when i closed my eyes to go to sleep last nite, i thought of the car rides.
i always thought of cars like little bubbles.
we get in these little bubbles and we can just share and live an isolated
little piece of life together for a bit.

i've always loved that.

walks are bubbles too.
they're like that.
you can get sharing with someone on a walk that's different than other places.

so i'm headin' out for a walk with my other two guys.
cause today's more death stuff.
and i want to make sure we're talkin'.
cause that's life stuff.
and it matters.

mixing the pieces of love and growing more...

today i will be attending the funeral of a childhood friend who died.
it's apparently my week for holding death and stepping into all that means.
(see post below)

as in the post below, with my sister in law, my childhood friend is also a woman
who just wanted to be loved. and she never quite got what she was looking for.

that's something that just seems to be blinding me with these two passings.

we all just want that, don't we?

to die without it seems so so sad to me.

i am filled with the desire to honor these two beautiful women,
my childhood friend, and my sister in law.

and somehow i think i'm going to find my answers in how to do that with
my loving.

my loving of myself, and of those around me.
and of my letting love in to my life.

to gather and cultivate the love that matters so much.
this is what's on my mind today.
and to honor the beauty and hearts of two women who have both touched
my life with their loving of me.

i am loving them back today...and will try to hold a piece of that in the love i offer others
as i continue forward. it seems to me to be the highest honor i can give them.
to mix the pieces of love and to grow more.

her passing

i haven't been able to post because i haven't been able to figure out how.

do i say i heard a certain kinda tinkly bell noise i never heard before,
a noise i knew was odd, so odd that i rolled over and looked at the clock
to note the time. i wondered if she had passed. and i thought of 'tinker bell'
and wondered if she liked tinker bell a lot. cause that's what the noise
reminded me of. and i smiled, cause she coulda been a little tinker bell.

do i say that no matter where my mind goes with my thoughts of her,
they always always land back to 'she just wanted to be loved, really really
loved and cherished. and she never got it.' and my heart hangs heavy with that.

do i tell the story of when i was in a room with my entire family and hurting
so badly and no one offering me any kinda kindness. feeling so incredibly
alone and brokenhearted when she walked up and gently kissed me on my check.
it was one of the most powerful things anyone has ever done for me.
inspiring the bone sigh, 'her kiss' -
'you have taught me the strength of tenderness.'
and with that kiss, she gave me something i will never forget.

how do i describe the path of the road we shared? i can't figure it out, so much
of it will never make sense to me. i think there was much conflict inside of her,
much conflict inside my family.. and much inside of me...that some of it will
just never make sense.

how is it i was the one holding her in the hospital room as my dad lay dying.
she was sobbing in my arms telling me about how much my dad was like a father to her,
as i held her and tried to soothe her all the time wondering how it was i hadn't
had a father in years.

there were secrets i knew about her. painful ones. ones that made me ache for
her and wish certain things for her.

when i try to describe her, no matter how many adjectives i come up with about
her charm, her smile, her curiosity...each one leads me back to the woman who
just wanted to be loved.

she was short and blonde and cute and twinkled. she was warm and friendly
and smart and loved languages and different cultures. she was the only member
of my family who told me repeatedly, easily and almost every time we saw
each other that i was beautiful and she loved me.

there were the funny moments, the good food moments, she was a great cook,
there was the enjoyment of watching her interact with my sons. there was the good stuff,
the hard stuff, the weird stuff.......there was stuff.

life stuff.

my sister in law died this weekend. after a long long long fight with cancer.

i wasn't as close to her as i would have liked to have been.  it was hard for me
to watch from the sidelines. i don't do so good with sidelines. i spent a lotta
times struggling with those darn sidelines.....cause sometimes, that's just where
you are and you need to get okay with that.

i will be attending the services from the sidelines.
and after all these years, i've gotten okay with that too.

but in my heart - there's no sidelines about it.....
i will be holding her and loving her and remembering her...
and every time i see tinker bell now....i will smile and i will see her light.

fly home, janene.
fly home.

more reminders

i've been watching him.
he's getting happier and happier.

and as i watch i get filled with this feeling that's this great huge light joy
mixed in with some kinda gratitude that's so deep it's a prayer of the
holiest sort.

i've been watching and feeling and having no words to articulate it.

and then i watched her.
i have never ever seen her so happy.
and what was nice was it wasn't about a guy.
i mean, all that's well and good and wonderful....
but to see her so happy about stuff going on inside herself -
not based on anyone else - just herself -
to see her happier than i ever had.......
well....again.....the feeling of the light joy/deep gratitude/holy of holy stuff.

sometimes people can get me down.
humanity can make me so sad.

and then......times like this when i get a double dose of being truly happy that
people i love are finding things inside themselves.......i'm reminded of the
stars inside us.

i'm reminded of the beauty, light, and brilliance of being human.
and my gosh, i think i needed the reminder.

smudged and awesome

i gotta remember the work pays off.
i gotta remember that.

i've been doin' my inner stuff, tryin' hard.
all the river stuff, mystery thinking and trying to center/calm myself.

the minute i feel nuts again i think none of it's working.
and wonder why i even try.
oh man, i'm such a darn control freak.

so after spending some days workin' on all this solo,
my friend calls to meet for a catch up.
i'm in. i could use the break.

i run up to the coffee shop and spill my story.
and wow.....it'd been two weeks of catchin' up to do
and there was a ton in that story.
i heard it all in a somewhat of a nutshell and thought 'okay,
no wonder you've been all over the place.'

then she spilled her story.
and it was such a great, crazy story.
the kinda story you can only tell a close friend.
i listened, i smiled, i cried, and i took every bit in.
and so much of her stuff helped me with my stuff.
i love it when that happens.

i took some of the big hunks from it and held them.
some of the big lessons. brought them home with me.
i felt so much lighter between talking to her and holdin'
some of these hunks she handed me. i felt like i had some
really cool mysterious cosmic stuff around me.

then my guy called. he's outta town so it's been hard to catch up.
but he finally had some time and we talked a bit.
i was gonna finish up the call, but i hesitated and asked him for some
help with a thought i was having.

he's in the zone right now with great thoughts.
it's such a delight to watch. and such a help to hear some of them.
so i handed him my thoughts i was struggling with.

and he handed me wisdom.
stuff about my mind doin' these tricks with me.
and stepping to the side and just watching what my mind is doing.
and then bringing it down to the heart level....just feeling.
getting to the compassion and understanding and letting it all just be.

knowing it all just is.

woe.
no wonder i'm in love with him.

so between the two of them.....my girlfriend and my boyfriend,
i just felt better.

this morning as i walked, i thought of all they both said. i whirled it
around and played with it and enjoyed it all. and i noticed how much
better i felt. between all the inner work i've been doing, and then all the
attention to centering i've been concentrating on, and then having people
who's thoughts i love....it all came together really nicely for me.

i took a different turn.
i took it on purpose.
 it's the one that lets me see the sun coming down the road.
the one where it looks like the sun wanders right down the road and comes
and fills up the day.

i just plain ol' needed to see that.

this morning i was delighted to see the sunlight was smudged all over
the place. like if you drew a picture with charcoal and you smudged the
charcoal and you get that smeary gray/black?
well that's like what god did with the sunlight. took the side of her big ol'
hand and smudged the sunlight so it was all smeary all over the road and sky.

smudged all over.

it was awesome.
i gasped. smiled. and just soaked it all in.

that's what i feel like inside today.
like there's light smudged all over in me.
it's not like it's a bright beam coming outta me.
no, not that feeling.
not even like twinkling stars inside of me.
nope.
but like there's sunlight starting to fill me up again.
and it's smudged all over my insides right now.

smudged and awesome.

rivers, rafts and remembering

my gosh, the last month has been filled with more life/emotions/stuff to deal with
than the whole year combined. well....okay, it hasn't been that long of a year
if you take the last month out - but STILL! you get the idea.

so i hopped on the treadmill this morning to 'walk it out.'
sometimes i get on there and put music on and just escape.
but sometimes like this morning, i gotta just walk everything out and leave
a trail of stuff behind me.

i immediately thought of that one little smidgen of a line in a song i like...
i love the way the guy sings it - 'outta my way i'm running....'
and i grinned. i wasn't running this morning. i know as i know that feeling well.
i was juts walkin' it all out. there's a difference.

and as i was thinking of all that, the river image came to mind.

that one is real helpful to me.
the one where life's a river and you're goin' down it on  your raft.
there's the calm peaceful waters, there's the white water, there's everything in between.

more than once that image has helped me remember how i want to go thru life.

this morning i had a new thought - it was that i just wanted to ride the river,
i didn't need to control it.

and i pictured trying to control a river.
ridiculous, right?
oh yeah, let's see, we'll move these rocks here, and change this water flow
over here.....
yeah, it's just impossible.

it's so impossible, it's the perfect visual for me.
cause i think i've been really back into wanting to control life.
i do that.
i do that when things get crazy around me.

and i saw it with the river image - it's totally not doable.
you just gotta ride your raft, ter.

and i knew it, i felt it and i was okay with it this morning.
i guess a certain amount of rock moving and stumbling around trying to
control water flow will wear you out and you give up and flop back
down on your raft sooner or later.

think that's where i am.
and it feels right.

i thought of the ways we ride that raft....thought of how it'd be to be all
tense waiting for the white water and because of that missing the gorgeous
peaceful flow over here that you could just sit back in and listen to the birds.
that kinda thing.

you gotta just ride it, ter.
be in whatever water you're in at the moment.

right now i seem to be in a spot in the river where there's a touch of everything.
just a touch of everything. it's enough to make you crazy - unless- unless-
you sit back and take the ride and stop trying to control it.

hmmmm.....
today's a day for a little isolation.
the introvert in me is screaming for some.

a little quiet time on my raft. a little time to get settled back in.
watching it all, knowing i'm just along for the ride, and wiping the
spray of the river off my face.......over and over again.

a little tea...a little perspective.....

i've been reflecting a whole lot on the road with my guy's sons.
it has been one heck of a road.
one of the most difficult i've ever been on.
and because of some stuff goin' on with one of them recently,
i have been processing and processing thru a lot of it.

i had to smile this morning as i looked at an email from the other one.

he dropped a note to share a thought he was having, and to mention
he had some great tea i'd like and did i want to meet up and have some?

i leaned back in my chair.

what a crazy crazy road.

would i have traded it?
oh my.....there's a question..........

i sat and thought about that. hmmmmmm............
i gotta say it wasn't a quick answer, but it did come - no i wouldn't.

i'm havin' tea with my stepson today.
we'll talk of his thought and we'll talk of life a bit
and i'll look across the table and see all we've been thru together,
and when i hug him goodbye i'll get that feeling i always get...
that in spite of all the craziness, i really care.
and yeah, i really do love him.

funny what life brings you.
and lately, with my friend's passing, i can't stop looking at what life brings
and how i respond to it.

he told me the tea was amazing and i was gonna love it.
i don't think he has any idea how much i will enjoy that tea.....
no matter what it tastes like.

perspective.
it's a good thing to get slammed in your face here and there.

sharing a thought

i finally finally talked to someone who told me my friend died in her sleep.

i can't tell ya the relief i feel.
how odd.
how totally odd that it's mattered to me.

i was worried it was some sort of violent death...car accident or
i didn't know what. and i've been tense about that the whole time.

to finally hear was some odd sense of relief.
and yeah, i know.......it doesn't matter.
but well......it did.

i got in the shower after the call and melted in the hot water.
and a thought came to me.....

i wanna do this 'be love' stuff with my life, right?
like the end goal is to be love.

well.....use this. use this to be love.
melt the two together, ter.

and no....i don't know what that means.

but this has never been a blog about answers.
always a blog about searching.

so i figure it's okay to throw out what i don't know i'm talking about.

but it got nudged by something my guy said today....
he reminded me of my goal to be love.

okay.
so how does one be love right now in sadness?

can i somehow melt the two together?

and then i remember the mystery stuff that i was thinking of this morning
(two posts down).....

i gotta meld it all together.

i'm gonna go curl in and work on melting.

but i was pretty excited with this thought.

thought i'd share......

feeling

i got news of her funeral and i got sick to my stomach.
painting the bathroom wasn't doin' the trick.
i tried grocery shopping.
when i felt like i was gonna weep in every aisle,
i knew that wasn't workin' either.

so i came home, unloaded the groceries, handed the
kitchen duties to my son, and went and grabbed my grieving books.

i have a bunch i got at one time in my life when i was trying to cope
with a death that knocked the stuffing outta me.

funny thing was i ordered the books but just couldn't read them.
i kept trying but couldn't.  the death was too close, too hard to even
try to concentrate. to hard to try to look and understand.

but now i craved them.
give me something here.

i grabbed a handful of them and snuggled in on the couch.

the first thing i read was about how it's not just a death you're grieving,
it's a loss of beliefs.

ahhhhhhh i learned that the hard way when my dad died.
i so learned that then.

and yeah, that's gotta be goin' on here too.
cause you see, i wasn't that close to this woman.
i knew her. enjoyed her. wanted the best for her.
but she wasn't a close friend and confidante.

so there's a lot mixed in all this to get me this way.
and i think the idea that we're just here one second and gone the next
just completely throws me.
the fact that she's not here looking at the spring day, walkin' barefoot
on her kitchen floor or headin' out to get bananas just makes me crazy.

so i needed some help.

i put the first book down. i knew the thing about beliefs and figured i should
give that some more thought as i wander around.

then i picked up pema chodron's book....'when things fall apart' -

"inspiration and wretchedness are inseparable. we always want to get rid of misery
rather than see how it works together with joy. the point isn't to cultivate one thing
as opposed to another, but to relate properly to where we are. inspiration and
wretchedness complement each other. with only inspiration, we become arrogant.
with only wretchedness, we lose our vision. feeling inspired cheers us up, makes us
realize how vast and wonderful our world is. feeling wretched humbles us. the
gloriousness of our inspriation connects us with the sacredness of the world. but
when the tables are turned and we feel wretched, that softens us up. it ripens our
hearts. it becomes the ground for understanding others. both the inspriation  and
the wretchendess can be celebrated. we can be big and small at the same time."

okay.
so that made me just try to sit still and sit with the feelings.

and then i found this in kathleen brehony's 'after the darkest hour' -

'first, in order to realize the fundamental truths about suffering, we must
first understand that everyone suffers. and second, we must accept that
suffering is the force that knocks out our illusionary beliefs about life and
thrusts us toward new consciousness about ourselves and the true nature of
reality. in spite of all the ways we try to deny the actuality of suffering, i believe
most of us know these things in our heads. but that's not enough. we have to
know these truths in our hearts -in the deepest, emotional places of our being.
we have to feel them. it is only then that we can gather the rewards  that they
bring: the growth of consciousness, compassion and courage.'

oh, my goodness......
good stuff.......

then my guy called. hed' been reading a whopper of  a book that i love
called 'who dies'.....one of my favorites and one that's packed with more
stuff than any book i've ever read. he started spouting some of the stuff
from that book.

sigh.

together we agreed i needed to get better with this death stuff.
yeah......i know.

it's life stuff.

it's the deal.

and so i will sit and watch.
i will sit and try to feel.
and i will try to watch the whole process.

a double whammy woo woo

so i got a woo woo story in my mailbox this morning.
i'd share, but it's not mine to share.
so i'll just stick to the point -

there's woo woo stuff out there.

and i think i'd forgotten.

and now......what's better than a woo woo story?
how about this -
a woo woo story that involves you somehow! (without you even knowing)!

so okay...now top that......what's better than a woo woo story
that involves you somehow (without you even knowing)???

how about a woo woo story that involves you somehow (without you even knowing)
that overlaps into a struggle/loss you're feeling right now.

i do believe that's called a double whammy woo woo!!

and it did the trick.
it knocked me right into the 'ohmygosh i have no clue what it's all about' space.
that's where i am this morning.

and i'm definitely in a space i can be knocked around a bit.
what's cool is the areas i'm fallin in just now and yesterday.
i like this spot.

yesterday i fell into gratitude.
i actively opened a space for it, and then i fell in.
and i was so glad.

but it's that kinda time right now....wobbly...i fell out again.

noticed the fallin' out, i went to center myself.

interesting side note...twice now, two days in a row to center myself,
i worked around sinks! first nite i cleaned under my kitchen sink and
changed my water filter thing. last nite my son and i replaced my bathroom sink.

sinks and centering.
i'm curious about that.
but it did the trick both times.

and then i woke up to the woo woo story.

i'm headin' out for a walk and gonna make a space for mystery.
gonna make a space for not having to have the answers.
gonna make a space for gratitude and mystery.

cause it's not every day you get a double whammy woo woo, ya know?

aiming for the zest

well, if nothing else, it's certainly interesting to watch all the
different emotions that can run thru myself in short spans of time.

in just moments i can feel love, gratitude, exhaustion, fear, anger,
resentment, awe, sadness, grief, happiness, joy....

and all intense. every single one comes in just as intense as the one
before it.

no wonder i'm a little bit tired.

so in watching the progression of life stuff that has brought me to
these swiftly changing emotions (which i believe some people would
call 'unstable') i understand why i'm in this spot.

thing is, i was thinking about it and with the passing of my friend
i decided i wanted to kinda concentrate on a 'zest' for living.
i want to appreciate being here. i really do.

thing is, i don't think you can just magically make zest appear.
specially when you're a wee bit unstable.

and so i got on the treadmill and thought of that this morning.
nah, maybe i can't.
but i can focus on the gratitude.
that i know i can do.

cause all you gotta do is really see all that you have.
and keep bringing your eyes back to that and allow yourself room
to really feel that.

so i did.
i brought myself back to the fact that i'm on the treadmill and moving
my body with ease (mostly)....

and i just kept goin'.......to my sons, to my guy, to my business......
all the good stuff about all of them.

now.......i don't think i'm capable of hanging on to the gratitude for
long stretches right now. i think what happens is i get it and then lose
it cause my brain switches over to fear or anger or meaningless distractions....
over and over again....it's the unstable wobbling all over the place stuff right now.

thing is.....i'm not gonna be this flip floppy with my emotions too much longer.
i know a lotta it is from stuff that will settle down. i know that.

and i will settle down.
so i  kinda wanna pave the way for settling down into a place of gratitude.
and zest...

yeah. i do want zest.
cause here we are.

it's short.
in a blink it's gone.
and we don't know when that's gonna happen.

that's the stuff i hate. and yet....it's the stuff that keeps ya on your toes.

it has me on my toes this morning.
tilting and wobbling all over the place.....but at the same time, very glad i'm here to wobble.

i'm headin' out for a walk......with one goal in mind....
to soak in everything i can with my eyes and my heart and
to know it's a gift i'm here to see it.

perspective

it was one of the best days i've had in ages...
really solid good day.

one of the highlights was walking in the dark along the walking trail
with josh and bob. there's water by the trail so there were ducks coming
in for the nite, frogs singin' away and even beavers crossing from one side
of the trail to another.....
we were all whispering back and forth, trying not to make much noise
and in total awe of what was goin' on around us.

it was magic and it was peaceful and it was the most centered i'd felt in days.

i woke up this morning uncentered once again and gettin' real tired of it.

and then....i found out one of the women i mentioned last week in the
appreciating women/international women's day post has died.

she's my age.
single mom.
struggled hard to help her son thru some rough times.
and proudly announced to all her buds recently that he had gotten
a full scholarship to college.

and i found out this morning that she's gone.

it wasn't expected. no life threatening illness.
i honestly have no idea how it happened.
i'm still trying to find out.

i just know she's gone.

i've known her since the sixth grade.
that's where we met.

i still remember celebrating her 13th birthday with her.

we reconnected on facebook, and we egged each other on in
in our projects and didn't miss a chance to shout encouragement
to each other.

and she's gone.

i'm stunned.

and perspective came slamming into my face this morning.

the stuff about what matters in life.
the stuff about appreciating all that you have.
the stuff like 'i'm here, and i can go sit in the dirt in my garden
and look up at the sky and be here.'

that stuff.

so i did.
i went and sat in the dirt.

i looked back at my kooky little house and thought of how
stressed i was over some of the projects.

shoot. who cares?

i thought of all the stuff i was uncentered about.
okay, ter......time to get a grip.

i'm goin' back to that walking trail in just a bit here.
i'm gonna go soak it in.
it's a beautiful beautiful place.

and i'm gonna think of my friend and hold her in my heart
and cry a little bit.

cause i can just not get used to how we're here one minute
and not the next.

a reminder

there's been a lotta processing goin' on inside of me.
and i gotta say, i'm surprised about it all.

when something ends, i know there's processing....
but it seems like this is the second time in my life that i thought
i was emotionally prepared for something to end, only to wind up surprised
at how much of a toll it takes when it finally happens.

i don't think i'm ever gonna buy that line people say all the time
'we knew the end was coming so we're okay' again.....
cause i'm thinking processing just has to happen. even when you think
you did it beforehand. cause maybe you can't really do that beforehand.

i don't know.

i just know that i kinda wish i'd finish up with the whole processing thing.
and i'm pretty sure it has its own timetable.and i'll just have to go with it.

it actually has made me think of people with trauma.
cause this hasn't been trauma that i'm processing.....it's been a ton of stress....
and sadness and stuff like that.....but that's different.

so the trauma stuff would have to be a thousand times harder to process
when it's over. and i thought of that this morning.

my first thoughts while waking up this morning were processing thoughts.
ugh.
and that's when i thought about people suffering with trauma.

what if it was trauma and those were my first thoughts in the morning?
or the thoughts that crept into my head all thru the day were thoughts
of a trauma i had experienced? and that's just the thoughts....
that's not including the physical reactions....
the chemical change in your body when the thoughts come.

and i felt such compassion for people going thru that right now.
and i know a lotta people are. and how it must feel like there will never
be peace....

i wanted to be a reminder to you today....i think there will be peace.
i think there will. i just think there's that processing time that you gotta
get thru. and i think when you're in the middle of that it doesn't feel
like there's an end.

i believe there is an end tho.

and some.......yeah, i think some trauma will stay forever....but it will
be like waves you will be able to get thru. it will get better.

i don't really have any authority to say that. i mean, what do i know?
but i watch people and i see what happens....and it seems to work this way.
i believe it does.

and so i wanted to be a reminder to you today.
the resilience of your soul is pretty amazing. and we forget.
but that's okay, cause we just keep reminding each other and
reaching out and helping each other back up.

angel elizabeth

so it's no secret i've been doin' the inner struggling here.

i'm kinda feelin' sheepish as i think i have a few of you worried about me.

no worries! part of the terri journey!~
AND i already felt like things were turning around inside of me....
i really felt like after a quiet weekend, i'd be back in the game full force by monday.

but this just iced the cake for me and i had to share!

mixin' in with any personal stuff of mine, there will always be business
struggles....just tryin' to figure out where i'm goin' with my life always
includes where i'm going with business. it's all part of the same deal.

i'm tryin' hard. really hard. and i just have that 'spinning my wheels' feeling
goin' on. so last nite as i was driving home i was so frustrated and i just
threw it all out 'there' and said 'help me! i can't figure this out! just help me!'
and i meant it. i was about as frustrated as you get. and i meant it.

and just now....an angel called me.

i am not kidding.
i hung up the phone with tears in my eyes.

it was a woman looking for a place to buy my cards.
that's it.
seemingly ordinary enough, right?

nah, no way. she was totally a gift from beyond.

what she said to me and how she encouraged me truly touched my heart
and brought tears to my eyes.

she reminded me of what i'm doing and why i'm doing it and what matters.

she reminded me of everything my heart knows and my mind clouds.

she reminded me.

and what's really funny is i spent the morning figuring out numbers.
i mean, i did numbers in a way i never did numbers before.
i was determined to figure this whole business stuff out, darn it.
and i was just getting ready to sit down and see what the numbers told me
when she called.

i hung up the phone and put the numbers down.
oh, i'll share them with the guys and we'll talk about them and i'll try to
be smart about them.......but i don't care anymore. i really don't.

cause elizabeth reminded me.....there's more to it than numbers, girl.
there's way more to it than that.

and i think what's bringing the tears to my eyes right now is that i honestly
honestly feel like she was my angel. i really do.

and THAT part is overwhelming after a week of feeling so lost and so full of struggle.

that part is just the most wonderful feeling.

we all do matter. what we say to each other matters. how we reach out
to each other matters. we're all each other's angels.

and i so needed her today.
angel elizabeth...
you quieted my heart in just the way i needed today.

thank you.......

finally releasing......

i thought for sure i'd sleep like a log last nite.
a lot's calmed down inside of me, i feel better about a lotta things,
i've figured out some insights and i'm holding them and looking at them.

sleep time, right?

once again the bad nite's sleep peppered with really odd dreams.
one was so odd and when i rolled over after having it i remember thinking,
okay every person in that dream was a part of me.
(which isn't the most comforting thought either)
guess i'll have to go back and check that one out!

i started out bummed that i hadn't slept better. but i figured it just means
it's time to totally totally take care of me. i canceled my plans this evening,
and decided on a day/evening wrapping myself in the peace of my home.

i do feel better about stuff, and i know there's big changes coming and i
even know i'll do good. i'm okay with everything's that's been churning inside of me.
and i'm okay with the stuff that hurt so deeply at the beginning of the week.
cause i know that's part of it all.

so after a whole lotta inner stuff, this morning i let it all go.
maybe i just got too tired. i have no idea.
but i release it.
it's all i got inside of me right now.......just the ability to release.
and i'm just gonna take gentle care of me.

funny how i have to get the 'release' part beat into me.
why oh why couldn't i just get that part down in the beginning?
it woulda been sooooo much easier.

whatever the case, i feel better today than i have in a bit here.....
sleepy and all.
and i'm taking it.

holding

there's a whole lot i'm trying to really hold right now, and i'm pretty beat.

cause to get to the place where i HAD something to hold.....
well, i had to go thru the walk to get there.
and that walk was really hard.

i'd been on it for days. and yesterday, before i got to the stuff to hold,
i finally understood that's where i was heading.
the first couple days i just felt hurt and miserable.
but by the fourth day, i realized you don't just walk this kinda walk without
it taking you somewhere. i knew that.

and it may have been a first for me. to really know that and feel that in the
middle of the ick. it wasn't just a hope or a trying to remind myself that
that is indeed how it works. i knew it. and so i started to wonder what it could be.
i knew this was a big one.
and just that part helped me a ton.
just the knowing. and the fact that i could see that.

i had a guess as to what i was going to get out of it all.
i figured i was going to grow in learning how to really love and for lack of
a less stupid word - i would 'mature' in my feelings about love.

it just so happened that i was editing my book (the fabric of her dancing shoes)
and i only got about half an hour to work on it. and in that half an hour i read my
thoughts on mid-life being a time where you had to see things as they really were.
and even the stuff that makes you tremble, you have to look at. and getting to
the point of looking without trembling and just knowing that's how it is -
well, that might be what you get out of mid-life.

i couldn't believe that was the part i read yesterday.

cause that is exactly what i was doing.

i was looking at stuff i didn't want to see. and i was trembling.

i was looking at my past, my present, my beliefs, my heart, life, all of it -
and i was trembling.

one of the things i got to hold is in the blog post below.
maybe that's the only thing i got.
because the other stuff i come up with is all different angles of that post.

maybe what i got is a deeper lesson in loving.
and what love is.

i know that love can be pure and good and pieces of god.
i know that. no doubt in my head.
and i know that it can get so messed up with everyone's issues
and dysfunctions and protections.....and it's not love then.

and in the separating and sorting thru all that, i've gotten very confused,
hurt, lost, and sad.

maybe what i got is a little bit of a clearer view on things that get in the way.

and a little bit more of an understanding that those things will always exist.

and that maybe truly loving is loving thru all that anyway......

i don't know.
i'm still holding and looking.
and feeling like someone who's finally seeing what's really there.

fresh in my head.......

i'm not sure i can do this, but i'm gonna try while it's way fresh in my head....

i hate to get too personal, but it's never stopped me much before and this
seems like it may matter to someone besides me......so i'm gonna give it a whirl.

for lack of a better way to describe this, there's a part of me that truly is childlike.
it's pure and good and innocent and loving. and that part of me fuels my love
for people. and when i love people so much of it comes from that spot.

i figure it's got to be seen and understood that i'm harmless, and good and
worth loving back. i mean.....who wouldn't want love like that? who wouldn't
respond to love like that?

all my life when i've gotten really deeply hurt, i have thought 'why couldn't
they love me?' and i have always thought there was something wrong with me
cause they couldn't love me back.

and i could never understand why 'they' couldn't except i always felt like i did
something wrong.

and i didn't really understand that part either because i knew where my love was
rooted in and it was that childlike part that really was a good place.

i didn't understand. if they knew that, why couldn't they love me back?

so recently as i was asking myself why someone couldn't love me,
an answer came thru my head.

now.......this is gonna sound like a standard answer, and may not make
you blink at all. but i'm hoping someone else needs to read this and will
hold it too....

the answer immediately came 'it's not you, terri. it's their own stuff that's
getting in the way.'

and because of the place i was in and the conversation i had just had,
i was actually wide open to hear that answer, understand it and believe it.

i knew it was true.

and then the tears just hit my eyes.

it's not you, terri.
it's not your fault.

and all these hurts from the past that i have carried around as somehow
my fault cause i wasn't good enough or i wasn't whatever enough....
they all just slid off my shoulders.

and my eyes got big and i kept thinking 'it's not my fault.'

it was such a huge huge huge feeling of relief.

but i was with someone, so it wasn't time to digest it all.
and i haven't had time yet to really do more than hold it a little bit.

i wanted to put it here while it was fresh. i didn't want to lose the feeling.
i wanted to share it.

cause i'm thinking i'm not the only one who thinks it's their fault other
people left them. or did whatever to them......

and you know what???

IT'S NOT!

how completely and utterly awesomely freeing is that?!

a good question

i went and looked up a quote that i put in my high school yearbook just now.
yes, there was a reason i went looking......i was trying to tell a friend.

i couldn't remember it.
i thought at first it was about having faith even when you couldn't see.

i was almost sure it was something like 'do you believe in something you've
never seen before?'

something like that.....

but no.......well, without having actually found my yearbook to double check -
i'm pretty sure it was this one -  (i found the book i got all my quotes out of
back then!)

'be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason
of the hope that is in you.'

and i gotta say i'm a little struck with that quote and where i was when i picked
it. way back at age 17. and where i am now way up here at age 50.

what IS my reason now, i asked myself.

and seriously, without going into a big long personal story......what is my reason
on this particular day?

i haven't answered yet.
only asked.

thought it was a good one for anyone else who wanted to ask themselves to ask.

so thought i'd throw it out here.........

endurance

i found this while looking for some insight into life...
and i thought it was really good stuff......so i'm sharing -

'everyone is defeated sometime. many then simply quit the fray.
but the really strong, the really committed, do not. they decide instead
whether or not the mountain is worth the climb. and if it is, no amount
of wind can force them from the face of it. they endure for the sake of
enduring. they live to finish what they began.'

that right there was helpful. but there's more!

'endurance, then, does not mean 'success.' it means being willing to cope with
what is until something else begins. it means being open to the possibility that
things will stay the way they are, perhaps indefinitely. it means that i must begin
to be open to becoming something new. then, endurance demands that i bear
what i must and be what i can.'

sigh.
big big sigh.
that's one heck of a paragraph.

and yes......there's more.......

there's a lot more.......but i'll finish it off with this........

'endurance is not negation of life; it is commitment to whatever makes
life worthwhile. it is the willingness to keep on doing what must be done
because doing it is meaningful, is worthy of us, and more than equals the
struggle it takes to do it.'

all that is from joan chittister's book 'scarred by struggle, transformed by hope'

good good stuff i wanted to share today.......

carl and me

so i'm reading just a brief little thing about carl jung's life -
of which i knew nothing about.

ohmygosh.....i totally wish i knew this guy.
i really would love to sit and spend days just talking to him.

and even tho i couldn't talk to him last nite, i could read about him
and what he thought. and he reminded me of my depths.

i have this feeling about my (our) depths....i just have this feeling
about them.....how they go on and on and you can get lost in them.
noah has read something about carl jung that he's joked about with
me, saying it reminds him of me. something about the guy getting
worried he'd fall so far in he wouldn't be able to get back or something like that.
i've laughed, said he sounds like my kinda guy....but left it at that.

i think last nite i was just hungry to be understood.
not surface understood, not understood with someone's head....
but understood all the way. i had come home from something hard and
just kinda isolated myself with some books. just curled in and stayed quiet.

and here was a guy who was into this whole depth thing.
and i just soaked it up. and i remembered my depths. and how there's
so much to explore there. and i felt less alone at that moment. i didn't feel
like the odd one out...i felt inspired. i felt inspired to follow those feelings
of mine. to not just set them aside. to follow a little deeper. to trust my depths
and to visit them more often.

he was even the guy who 'started' creative visualizing or awake dreaming -
the stuff i find the most healing to work with. he was all into it!

it was the coolest thing.
just the coolest thing.

i'm tuckin' ol' carl in my pocket this morning and headin' out with him.
i don't think i'm gonna go visit my depths just yet.

i think i'm gonna start with this - i'm gonna remember that i can trust myself.
and i'm gonna remember that there's a whole world inside of me there for me.

i'm just gonna walk and remember and trust.
that's where i'm gonna start.

my lynn!!!!!

okay...who's doin' inner child work???

this song and this singer touch my depths every time.

this is one of my best friends in the world, lynn.
and she's singing the inner child  song i mention a lot.....
and! in this vid, she's actually singing it for me!!!

couldn't wait to share........


check out the most beautiful singer in the world!

and a huge thanks to noah for doin' the vid!

starting again

there was life happening around me that created a ton of emotions in me.
'i just need some air,' i thought.

the practical part of me stepped up, told myself to get done what i had to do,
THEN go get the air. and so i did. and by the time i was ready for a nice
long walk, so was josh.

we don't usually snack when we walk, but it was one of those days.
as i ran out the door to go meet him, i grabbed some crackers, some
chocolate my girlfriend had just dropped off, and some 'essence of
cucumber' water. (yeah, really.)

josh's eyes lit up with delight over the snacks. 'it's a mobile picnic!' he exclaimed.

there's just something about my sons that can be so soothing for me.
and josh speaks my language which helps a ton.
when i said how much i needed this walk, he said he needed one too.

it is so helpful when someone jumps on in and joins in whole heartedly with you.

we talked a little about my stuff. but the point was to get some air and
get centered. i really didn't want to hash thru all the churning. and it was
when we got goin' talkin' about our businesses and what we wanted out
of them that i felt better.

we walked and talked for an hour and a half.
i couldn't believe it when i got back in my car. it felt like 15 minutes.

i came home to noah making a delicious lunch for all of us, and zakk
workin' his tail off to finish stuff up for bone sighs. i was totally grateful
for them!

i felt so much better. but it WAS one of those days.
it didn't take long for me to be back in the upset mode.
i quit even trying to have a normal day.
i decided to just hang out.

i ended up just soakin' up the energy in this house, and of my sons.
and i so needed it.

i felt seen and cared about by them.
and right then i totally needed that.

i realized how good we all were at giving that to each other.
that's something my sons and i step up and do for each other when one's struggling.

i thought about that.

and i thought about what an important gift that is to give.
how it changes everything.

today's another day!
and there's much good to concentrate on!
and that's where i'll be putting my thoughts today.....
on the good that centers me.

healing music

i hadn't realized how much i had been keeping in.
and how much had really been going on inside of me.

which is saying something because i knew i was keeping a lot in
and i knew a lot had been going on inside of me.

maybe what i didn't realize was how badly i needed someone
to come and touch those spots inside of me.

but it didn't take long to realize.

i sat at her event last nite listening to her.
it only adds that she's one of my best friends, i know her heart
and soul and we share our struggles together.

that only added to the power.

she started singing, and i started crying.

at first it was just the occasional tear and then they were
running down my face. and then at one point i really thought
i might have to just leave and go into the bathroom.

she was touching everything that needed touching inside of me.

josh was sitting in front of me and turned around and looked when
he heard this big snuffle come out of me. oh man. i was tryin'
hard to be quiet. but it was hitting deep and moving everything
around that had been stuck.

and then she did a special song, unexpected, and for me.
the inner child song that i actually use sometimes to work on some
healing stuff.

yeah. well, you can imagine.

but i tell ya what.......it's like little terri finally felt noticed.
it's like everything inside of me finally felt seen and heard.

and i had no idea that was weighing so heavily on me.

sometimes i try to just hold this stuff, deal with it and 'handle it'....
and i'm not sure we can ever really do that by ourselves.

and then music.....there is something about it that just slips into
those cracks inside us...and i had so many cracks inside me last nite.
it slipped right in, loosened everything up and completely soothed me.

if you haven't listened to this amazing singer yet......you gotta go hear her.

and if you've been trying hard to hold it all together on your own -
at the very least, go put on some music that will open you up and tumble
your inside walls down. it truly seems needed.

offer and move on.....

it was one of those weird by chance exchanges on facebook.

she came thru and gave me a heartfelt thanks about something.
i was blue. her heart in the note came thru the blueness and i commented
back and told her so.she had helped me. she commented that she was hesitant
to reach out because she's afraid of getting her hand slapped.

and that started the thoughts.......

i had a whole bag of stuff i was blue about. but several of the big ones
had the theme of not only getting my hand slapped, but also my heart kicked from
reaching out.

i hadn't put it in that light. those words. that angle.

but when i did, i really saw it.
and i saw what her reaching out had done for me.
and i knew, without a doubt the importance of reaching out.
thing is.....sometimes you are gonna get your heart kicked.
just the nature of the game.

and i'd like to say 'well, don't reach out in those places.'
but i don't think that's a right thing to say.
i think you have to try to reach out into all kindsa places.
even the dangerous ones.
cause you never know when it will make a difference.
you can't tell.
there's too many strings you don't know about.

but i could say - when you get a kick in the heart, then go
another way. don't stand there wallowin' about the kick.
know it's part of the deal.

well, yeah, okay.......we're human.
wallow a little bit.

but then, move on and reach out where the reaching out CAN make
a difference.

and my gosh, i thought it, and then i did it yesterday.

i actually did it. consciously.
i stopped wallowing about some unhealthy stuff, and turned
to some healthy stuff and reached out again.

and it was the most beautiful thing.
just like reaching out can be!

and i thought......wow.....what a difference.
some people want to hold your heart and lean on your heart.
others want to control your heart and own it. or mess with it.
or just completely use it.

wouldn't it be so cool to understand this.
really, really understand this.
just real simply accept it?

and offer your heart. just offer it.
and then when the unhealthy interactions come, move on.
just plain ol' move on to where the healthy interactions are.

and just keep going thru life that way?

yeah, i know. it's prolly not that easy.
but it changed my direction yesterday.
and i'm definitely gonna keep my eye on it.....

celebrating my women!

okay,
so it's international women's day.
and i thought hey! i know! i'll do a blog and list all kindsa awesome women i know
and just try to honor them!'

'oh noooo don't do it, ter' i told myself.
when i do stuff like that i ALWAYS leave out really important women and
feel terrible afterwards.

okay. not goin' there.

now, how crazy is that?!  i'm gonna leave out a lot of you. it's guaranteed.
cause my brain is addled. it's just part of life. but you've GOT to know i love
and honor you even if i didn't put you in the list here. truly. please know that.
cause you women who surround me are just so incredible. and inspire me
every day.

so figurin' i'll miss a ton of you, and knowing you'll forgive me, i thought i
would do a shout out. in no particular order at all!

in honor and celebration -

there's sus who comes to mind right away as i just saw the most beautiful picture
of her. she's just got that natrual shining beauty that i think is lovely. she's beautiful
inside and out, and to me, she's such a symbol of the feminine beauty.

there's kristen who's taking her pain from the past and using it for fuel to open
a women's center! the combination of who she is mixes so well with the project,
that i'm sure it's gonna be one of the finest facilities ever. how cool is that?!

there's monika who has to hold the loss of her son to war. she's now exploring
ways she can offer back to the world  taking that pain and working with it.
her heart and courage astound me.

there's deb, one of the most generous, beautiful women i know. she gives her
art away so freely and just wants it to go where it is needed. her art has
literally brought me to tears. it totally captures the beauty of her soul.

there's patty, our tough angels leader. her work for the women and children
of africa completely takes my breath away. and when i met her i totally fell
in love with her. a beautiful woman indeed.

there's dani who doesn't just operate a shop, she creates a space for women
to come and honor themselves.

the shops make me think of kate and laura who also do the same. they don't
just think of their businesses as shops, they think of them as sacred places.
what they offer the world is priceless.

there's po who's wisdom is forever surrounding me and holding me when i
most need it. she is definitely 'the wise woman.'

there's mary, who offers such love and caring. she tended her aging parents
and is dealing with the grief of losing her dad. a woman of heart and feeling.

there's akasa who saved her grandson and helped him find meaning in
staying alive and growing up. i can't type that without tears coming to
my eyes.

there's karen who creates the only home her granddaughter knows and
does it thru such difficult circumstances.

there's melissa who lost a sister and yet keeps writing and offering and
reminds me of what it is to be a beautiful young woman.

there's her mom, peggi, who lost a daughter and keeps on going and trying
to make it all work, because that's what you have to do. she jokes with
me about chocolate and makes me laugh.

there's lynn, one of my best friends. she cries at the drop of a hat. and i love
her for that. her music comes from her depths and when she sings i get to
hear her soul. i cry every single time i listen to her.

there's carol, poet, writer, healer, explorer. someone who 'gets' what i have
to say and always holds my hands thru the confusing times.

there's bets who's come so far in her healing and working hard on learning how
to love both herself and her guy.

there's susie who works thru her illness like no one i've ever seen. she looks,
she sees, she listens, and she grows. and she offers love with every fiber she has.

there's jenna, a sister i've never met. she offers to the world over and over and over
again, even thru the disappointments and hurts.

there's sue who tries so hard to keep going and seeing the good as she fights
a terminal illness. even when she's way way sick, she finds energy to reach out to others.

there's heidi, a single mom who's worked her tail off to raise her kids. i've never known
a woman to work harder and try more.

there's denise, another single mom working her tail off for her boys. her art stuns me
and i believe she'll be the famous artist that i can say i knew her when!

there's my other denise, who's held me thru the darkness and reminded me of my
own beauty. she's made it thru almost dying and she's still here and i celebrate that
over and over again.

there's marissa who offers her experience with cutting to the world. opening up and
sharing her soul to help others with the same struggle.

there's beth ann who's just now opening up and trying to reach out to other women
who've experienced rape.

there's lisa who shares her soul and offers her encouragement to help other women
believe in themselves.

and there's laurel who put her scariest stuff out there and went public with it to
reach other women.

there are stories of rape, incest, sexual abuse, physicl abuse, emotional abuse,
and these women keep offering and extending their hands....we're here, we'll
circle you  and hold you up.

there's christie who offers encouragement and hope while she struggles with
such hard things. she's touched my life so deeply with some of the stuff she's
offered me.

there's sooz who leaped a hurdle this year! and is feeling better than ever because
of it!

there's mar who found her heart and now can't seem to shut it off. it's running
loose and making smile every single day!

there's meribeth, another single mom, celebrating her son's scholarship after
a particularly rough year.

there's donna, forever reaching out and being there as she struggles with
the pain and fear of bone cancer.

there's sue who's recovering from cancer and dealing with an early menopause
and still reaching out and spreading love.

there's mag who understands the beauty of nature and revels in it and shares it
everywhere she goes.

there's jymi, raising her girls, learning about herself, and growing by leaps and bounds.

there's sherry, another young woman finding her way on the journey and inspiring
me as i watch her.

there's gina. struggling with all she has to stay alive. fighting with great intensity
to not call it quits.

there's kylie who called it quits who i will carry forever in my heart.

there's cath who lost a best friend, is still grieving it, yet still reaching out with love
everywhere she goes.

there's the other cath, struggling with some inner stuff big time but not letting
that slow her down in offering her work to the world and caring for others.

there's brigitte who's heart glows so bright i can see it all the way in another
country.

there's jenny who came thru today after a nightmare about her son who she lost.
hanging on to the light and reaching out still.

do you SEE this list?! every single one of these women has had their share of
big struggles....and every single one of them chooses to offer love in spite of that.

and there's all you other women out there that i haven't listed.
over and over again i watch what you do, i watch how you struggle, how the darkness
comes and overwhelms you, and how you get up over and over again and step
into the light.

i tell ya, today is one heck of a day cause it makes me stop and think about this
being a woman stuff. i truly am so happy i was born female. women are amazing
human beings.

i toast every single one of you today!
you inspire me.
you make me want to be more.

thanks for being in my life and teaching me all that you do!

the bottom line

she called and asked what i would do if i were her.

ohhhh that's always a tough question.

so i went to the 'do what's best for your highest good' spot.
you really can't go wrong with that spot.
the thing is, finding it sometimes is really hard.

and tryin' to get the other people out of your mind is really hard.

so we talked about that.

and you know what seemed to be the best point of all?
to let yourself think those thoughts you know you 'shouldn't.'
to allow space for that.

all this cosmic highest good stuff is awesome and necessary to grow.
i'm totally in favor of it.
i vote yes!

but so is the 'i wish they'd just fall off the planet' stuff.
(and yeah, i've had more than my share of that thought!)

i never thought of it til just now......but an extra little tidbit to that thought could
be a big net or a big pit or whatever where all those people fall when they fall
off the planet. and they can just hang out with each other. let them all have
each other.

oh yeah. that feels good.

those kinda thoughts.
we're gonna have them, ya know?

have them.
let them enter.
don't beat yourself up for not being a kinder person.
be real.

just don't entertain that stuff for too long.
fling them off and go for the highest good stuff.
it'll only help.

that was the bottom line of our talking.
and it reminded me of where i want to focus.

funny how everyone's journey helps me with my own....

i'm likin' this line....

you'd think i'd be more of a romantic.
i mean, i write bone sighs.
i live from the heart - or really try to.

you'd think i'd be oozin' phrases like 'soul mate.'
that kinda thing.

but i just don't ooze that phrase.or ones like it.

i was thinking about my guy tonite.
we just had an interaction that felt really healthy,
and kinda like we're getting somewhere with all this work we've done.

i've been feeling that way a lot lately.
like the work we've done has been paying off.

it's a good feeling.
real good.

and when i stop and think of all the work, i just kinda close my eyes
and sigh. it's been a ton.

i don't think i've ever worked at anything like i work at our relationship.

and that's sayin' something, cause i tend to throw myself into things and work
really hard all the way around. but this has been like the big leagues for me.

and i feel really good about where we've come.
and yes, i know. i know. we will always face work together.

but i'm taking  a breather tonite and appreciating the accomplishments.

and it's such an odd mix.
i think back to how we met, how we got together.....
and it's filled with me gasping thinking it really seems like 'it had to be.'
the whole way it played out.
like there was magic pulling us together.
truly.

and sometimes when i get lost in that and think 'yeah, we were meant to be'....
it doesn't last long. cause then i think of all the work.
and i think 'shoot, we MADE it work. there was no meant to be about it.'

and i laugh.

i think maybe it's both.
there was magic....and we made it work.

and that's got me thinking....
that's prolly the deal about all of life, isn't it?

i think i may just bring that thought into work with me tomorrow.

actually, i think i need to print that up and hang it over my kitchen sink -

'there was magic...and we made it work.'

and use that everywhere i go.

it just is

i know. i know.
it's life. it's filled with emotions.
and i can't just expect myself to be all clinical.

i know.
i know.

thing is - there's something that makes me sad over and over again.
it's the same thing over and over again.

you can take all the stories, pile them up and record what the hurt is in
each one.

it's the same hurt.

and the thing is - the hurt is there because i keep fighting the reality that
exists.

if i accepted the reality, i don't think the hurt would be there.

i think there would be a sadness...but i think it would be different.
and i think i've seen flashes of that.
and had moments of acceptance.
i know i have.

lately, tho, i've kinda sucked in the acceptance department.

it's funny too. i was just reading something i wrote about something in my life
that never got resolved. it's over. done. and won't ever be resolved.

and i sat and thought about it.
that's the way life is.
it's more common than actually resolving things, i think.

to get okay with that......my gosh, i want to do that.

to accept life as it is.
to know it's good the way it is. even if some stuff isn't how you'd write it.
to still know it's good.

hmmmmmmmmm........

i know it's still good.
okay.
i've got that.
so it's got to be more than that.

to know the stuff that makes me sad is still good.

is it?

is it 'good'???

hmmmm.....

in steps that zen stuff.
it's neither good nor bad.
it just is.

to be there.
where it just 'is.'
man, that seems like a long road to get to.
but i swear, i'm gonna keep tryin.....

cash mobs...who knew?

just found out about this.....
it's a cash mob.

and no, i never heard of that.

and i can't tell you how much this weary ol' heart needed to hear this.
seriously, i just about cried.

i've seen so many stores go out of business.
so many shops i work with come tell me of how they gotta let their
dreams go and close down.

i've been hangin' tight to my own dreams tryin' not to doubt i'll make it thru.

and seriously, 'weary' is the word on some days.

and i saw this, and i was just so taken with it.

this is charlottesville. you can see a little blip on it here.

and they tell me they're all over the place.
and gave me this link to find more about them.
you can find out with me here.

had to share! go check them out!

a good quote and a good question

i had a tornado dream the other nite.

i haven't had one of those since the days of my marriage upheaval.
they definitely signal change for me.

and yeah, it looks real possible my life is going to change this year.
i'm pretty sure either me or the guys will find new living quarters sometime
before the year's over.

it's all good wonderful healthy positive stuff.
stuff to rejoice about.
the guys are grown men who need to be independent,
and bob and i are coming to time where we'll be able to be together.

good stuff.

but very big changes for me all the same.

there's no details worked out yet. it's all up in the air.
but it's coming.

and i know it.

so now when i walk across my living room floor, i'm looking at
the worn hardwood and thinking of all the years of life we've worn
into that floor.

i'm starting to look around this house at all the love packed into
it in every nook and cranny.

and i'm tryin' to think of what it's gonna be like when either i'm gone
or the guys are gone.

hence, tornado dreams.

no coincidence zakk was just a little tyke in my arms in that dream, is it?

i'm glad i had the dream, cause i knew i had to be swirling inside, but i wasn't
sure where it all was. i was hiding it pretty well.

well, i found it.

so i'm sure this year i'll be dealing with the all the feelings that come from
motherhood ending. or you know......i  know it doesn't end, but you know what i mean.

i popped open my carolyn myss book (defy gravity) for a little inspiration.
and i found it right away.

i got this -

'The empowerment journey that is critical to your healing - and to your life-
comes from progressing through the deep waters of your dark passions and
continuing onward to discover not what has been taken from you, but what
you have yet to give and who you have yet to become.'

isn't that a great quote?
read that one again.
i bet we all can get something outta that one!

i know my kids aren't being taken from me.
grin. i'm not that bad off.
i've really got a pretty good handle on them bein' on their own.
i can tell we all need it.
i see it. i know it. i mostly have it.

but i guess cause it feels like an end to me.....it's hard.

so that's why the quote helped.
i really need to sit and think about who i have yet to become.....

cause there's just so much to this living stuff, isn't there?

who have i yet to become?

anyone ask themselves that lately?

march moods

since my dad's death, i usually seem to slip into march in a mood.
his birthday is in the beginning of march.
and it usually gets to me one way or another.

the year i laugh about the most was the year i gave up sugar for a new years resolution.
i didn't have one smidgen of sugar at all.
UNTIL
the day of my dad's birthday.........and then i think i inhaled enough chocolate to last me
all year long.

it wasn't even like i tasted it.
i just inhaled it.

oh man.

so this year i was sliding in with a 'what's it all about' mood.
but with the slant of 'what's the point?'
you know, one of THOSE moods.

but.....i gotta say......without any chocolate.

my guy really really helped me with the mood.
and i managed to actually get to a spot where i could celebrate the day.

but here's the cool part -
it wasn't just celebrating my dad.
it was celebrating all the growth i had done thru the struggles i  had
with my relationship with him and with his passing.

my guy gave me that.
he had me look at that.
and he had me look at what all i had now because of what i went thru.

what a cool thing to help me with.

and i keep thinking about that.....the struggles we have.
the really really deep ones. how we grow. the what's it all about stuff...
all of it.

and then.......i ran across this from the book i wrote, the fabric of her
dancing shoes - and i smiled...


“My heart got so broken open. 
My heart.
It wasn’t my body or my bank. It was my heart.

Of course.
It had to have been.

I just nodded.

I NEEDED my heart to be broken open so that I could – ohmygosh – I don’t know what...

Rebuild it?
Refill it?
Put it back together with my own love?
Learn self love?

I don’t know...but I so know I needed it.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Go figure.

For a long time I’ve known it was a good thing. That I got a lot of good out of it. But I’m not sure I knew that I NEEDED it!

My heart. Go figure.
Me and my heart. We needed to break a bit.
I have to remember that when I try so hard to protect it.”

i still am kinda wondering what it's all about right now.
but at the same time, there's this feeling of the 'holiness' of the journey, of the growth. 
so it's quite a mix inside me right now.
which is fitting, cause it certainly is quite a journey.

sharing brigitte

i can do good sometimes......you know, roll along really well even when
there's hard stuff goin' on. but then.....i trip. yeah.

that tripping thing i do...it happens a lot.

so i had tripped and as i was sittin' on the floor thinking 'darn, i tripped'
i saw brigitte had posted her blog on my wall. i went over to read it,
and wouldn't you know......it was JUST what i needed.

talk about perfect timing.

and it really feels like a reminder we all need......
so i wanted to share it with you.
and if you haven't met brigitte yet, you'll love her.
she has a total heart of gold. she's gentle and kind and loving.
go check out the wisdom she has to offer.

okay, last one

okay, this will prolly be it and i'll get quiet about all this 'to have or to be' stuff....

but i wanted to throw in the thoughts i had that related to it that were on that
recording i dug up. i called it something like 'the who and the how.'

i rambled on for about 15 minutes when the bottom line is really simple.
so like, what else is new???

the idea is that 'who we are' might have several layers.
there's the upper layers where you get our personalities and our traits.
and then the bottom deep layers where we're all swirling souls that
are pieces of 'the source'....where we're all really made up of the same
stuff and all one.

that's the who stuff.

and the how stuff would be how you travel.

like things for me that feel important are kindness, honesty, integrity.
that kinda stuff. so the how is traveling with that stuff (or without it)

and it occurred to me that it might lead to a more fulfilled life not to concentrate
so much on the who....not to get lost in the upper personality stuff,
but to concentrate on how i travel. which i guess will add to the personality
stuff without me even trying.

and if i travel the how in a way i want to, it will only bring me more in contact
with the lower lower soul who stuff.

so i got to thinking how important it was to travel how you want to.

which directly ties into fromm's 'being' stuff.

the 'how' and the 'being' seemed to be pretty much the same stuff.

which excites me to no end.

now. where the heck does it leave me?
i don't know.

the 'business' aspect of my life usually pops in when i'm trying to figure stuff out.

i have bumped into a whole lotta issues i've got about self esteem and self worth
that i didn't even know i had. and those things have become clear to me thru
the business aspect of my life. so it's a great place to land when i'm trying to figure
stuff out. it's a whirling nest of confused energy. what better place to try out theories?

so here -

i'd really love to be rollin' in the money and not budget one more day in my whole life.
i really would like that.

so how does that fit in?
do i want to 'have' money?

YES!

but i think maybe that's the wrong attitude.

grin.
i don't think fromm woulda approved.

BUT I DO!

okay. okay. let me try again......

i think maybe i want to be not worried about finances, live abundantly,
give freely...that kinda thing.....i think it's more a life style than having the money.
but you see, i still get confused.
it's not clear to me how to separate some of it.
i mean, you kinda have to be able to pay your bills to not worry about finances,
and all the rest of it....

so i haven't gotten this concept down by a long shot.

but the 'how' helps me too. if i concentrate on how i move thru life,
it keeps the focus on good stuff.

so that's the end of my confused and muddled thoughts on the subject.
well, probably not really.
but for a bit anyway.

like they were no help at all, were they??

i'm gonna muddle with it, talk to people about it, and see what i can come up with.
if anything helpful shows itself, i'll try again here.

i still think it's exciting tho......
and fun.......
and way cool.

muddled and happy about it over here...

part two

i haven't had enough time to sit down and re-figure out the 'to have or to be' stuff.
(see post below)

i did dig up some good stuff outta the book tho...
and it's got me hoppin' up and down with excitement.

he describes the two modes -

'In the having mode of existence my relationship to the world is one of possessing
and owning, one in which I want to make everybody and everything, including
myself, my property.'

okay then the being mode one gets more complicated. rather than type out the
whole darn book, i grabbed this - '  I shall mention one crucial point: the concept
of process, activity, and movement as an element in being.'

...'being implies change, i.e., that being is becoming...'


okay, then this example from  the book along with the love example in the post
below help -

he uses learning  as an example -

'Students in the having mode have but one aim: to hold onto what they 'learned,'
either by entrusting it firmly to their memories or by carefully guarding their notes.
They do not have to produce or create something new......'

being mode of learning -

"they listen with interest, hear what the lecturer says, and spontaneously come to life
in response to what they hear. They do not simply acquire knowledge that they
can take home and memorize. Each student has been affected and has changed: each
is different  after the lecture than he or she was before it.'

okay, so all that will be runnin' thru my head today. and i'm pretty
tickled with it all over again. that's the great thing about forgetting concepts,
they're always new!

and then!

....i found towards the end of the book a list of qualities for a 'new man.'
okay, so maybe he needed a little help with his pronouns there, cause this
woman sure likes the list!

here's a few from the list that totally lit my fire!

- willingness to give up all forms of having, in order to fully be.
(are you kidding me?!! can you even just imagine?!)

-shedding one's narcissism and accepting the tragic limitations inherent
in human existence. (i gotta think about that one...seems major helpful)

-making the full growth of oneself and of one's fellow beings the supreme
goal of living. (*thud* i just fell over)

-developing one's imagination, not as an escape from intolerable circumstances
but as the anticipation of real possibilities, as a means to do away with
intolerable circumstances. (woe)

-knowing that evil and destructiveness are necessary consequences of failure
to grow. (woe again)

those are just some from the list.......those are ones that just hit me so good.

so there's a little more food for thought on this kooky road we're travelin'......

can you imagine if we could put this all together, have it not only make perfect
sense, but have it seep to our bones and live it?!

stuff to think about!