double take

i ran out to get the mail....

since i was barefoot i looked down at
the grass as i went.
it's not so much grass as clover and
we've got these big ol' bumble bees
bumblin' along.

i watch for them.

head down, i did the bee patrol.
hit the street, looked both ways for
cars.
got to the mail box, looked in, grabbed
the mail.

as i was closing the mailbox flap i turned
and glanced up, then looked at the street,
then did a double take and glanced back up.

the sky.

bam.

right there.

i did that double take and just stopped.
looked at that blue. that cloud up there in
that blue.

i knew that cloud! i was sure i knew that cloud.

i stood there grinnin' at the sky.

then i walked across the yard....
i forgot about bee patrol.
i kept lookin' at the sky, thinking 'i was
just up there.'

and wonderin' when i'd be back......

i touched the sky....

my head is still up there.....
i'm havin' trouble comin' down....

we went.
we went up into the sky......

when we walked in the guy who was taking us
up was so young i wanted to holler and say
'wait a minute! you're just a kid! and no kid's
takin' me up there!'

but ya know what? i thought of how good my 'kids'
are with stuff, and i decided to just trust him.

noah sat up front as he was getting the flying
lesson.

i just wanted to be in the sky....
i got the back seat. all to myself.
it was perfect.

the pilot pointed out all kindsa things on the
ground. i had tried to tell him i want to just
be in the sky....
but his enthusiasm had him pointing out ground
things.

thank goodness noah was there. he could look and
nod and smile.

that left me space to just look at the sky.

my gosh.

it looks completely different up there in that little
plane.

completely different from a commercial plane.

a commercial plane has its own kinda ecstasy as far
as i'm concerned. you can get above the clouds and
fly in the midst of heaven in one of those.

this was different.
it was communing with the sky.

the clouds are so long. they go on forever.....
the sky goes on forever.
everywhere is sky.
there's nothing blocking your view.

it's everywhere.

it took my breath away.

noah got to actually fly the plane.
that distracted me from the clouds for a bit.
but then i realized i only had so much time up there.
let noah flip the plane over if he wants, i need to
talk to the sky....

so i went right back to what i was doin'....

feelin' the sky.
touchin' the sky.
bein' with the sky.

i cried.

i kept my sunglasses on so i could cry.
and i cried at the beauty.

i cried at the vastness.

i cried cause i knew i was part of it somehow.

i haven't come down quite yet.
and my entire being feels like a prayer right now.

touching the sky

i am going to touch the sky today.

this is so big to me i don't even know
how to describe it.

friends gave me an airplane ride for
a birthday gift.

and today i'm goin' up into the sky.

noah's going too!!

i think today will be the day noah decides
he wants to pursue flying. i'm pretty sure
that will happen.

for me tho, it has nothing to do with bein'
a pilot. i just want to be in the sky.

i can't believe they gave me this gift.
i cried when i opened the certificate they
made me. i just cried.

to have them hand me my love like that.......
well........

i cried.

and this morning my heart is just leaping
all around inside me...

i'm gonna touch the sky........

gorgeous ending

i finished reading women, food and god last nite...

her ending was soooo lovely.
wanted to share.

'...you will discover that god has been here
all along. in the sorrow of every ending,
in the rapture of every beginning. in the noise
and in the stillness, in the upheavals and in
hte rafts of peace. in each moment of kindness
you lavish upon your breaking heart or the
size of your thighs, with each breath you take -
god has been here. she is you.'


when i really go slow and read that, i want
to cry.

all the stuff i struggle with, all the loss
and the pain and all that stuff...
god has been there. all along.

my writer friend, mary....

mary's a writer!

okay, *i* knew that already.
but she didn't.

well, yes she did....but she didn't.
but this just convinced her!

she got a story she wrote published!

it's an exciting day for her! and it's a great story
for everyone! so if you'd like to check it out,
you can go here to do so!

there's a place to drop her a note.
i'm kinda thinking that might be a good idea.
since she's just now figurin' out she's a writer.
maybe a little reinforcement would be a good thing.

mary, i'm grinnin' and so proud of you!

waking up just a little bit more....

there's been a lot of things that brought me
to this point....

and i love that.
i love how that works.

so many tiny threads twist together to bring me
somewhere and it isn't until i'm smack in the middle
of it all that i even notice all the different
things that pulled together to make it so.

but here i am.
thinking a ton about my health, my body, and
my relationship with both.

a terminally ill friend wrote me yesterday and
reminded me to rejoice in my health.

no kidding.
talk about a reminder.

i was thinking about that this morning in the shower.
yeah.
that is so much to rejoice about.

i've been thinking about the whole 'the body is
your temple' thing as i read 'women, food and god.'

i've been in search of my belly.
and my center.

i've been waking up to the idea of being mindful,
aware and respectful.

i really do think i'm filled with stars.
i really do.

i know it sounds stupid or poetic or like a nice
visual......

but there's something to it.
i mean that.
even tho i don't know what i mean.

and i'm really really likin' this whole rejoicing
in my health and honoring my body.

i have been concentrating on food and exercise,
but i was reminded recently not to forget my attitude.

i met yet another person who seemed bitter and resentful.
and i wondered about that. that's got to be part of the
whole deal.

if i want to be healthy, i really want it to run all the
way thru every part of me.

thoughts too.

this is feelin' good.
i think i needed this.

a world without emotions.....

there's a reason i love her.
there's a reason she's my surrogate mom.

every time i talk with her i feel enriched.
i love that.

we were just catchin' up and i was tellin'
her about the big pivotal moment when i figured
something out. told her about the pain involved.

and she told me about a dream she had.
it was a dream where the world had no emotion.
none.
it was 'two dimensional' she said.

she told me how when she woke up from that dream,
she was so darn grateful that we had emotions.
even the deep painful ones.

and she has a lotta those.

as she was tellin' me, i could just imagine how
horrible it would be not to have any emotions.

and the idea that all emotions are a gift just
flooded all over me.

we were oohin' and ahhhin' over the phone...
and i laughed and told her how much i'd missed her.
it had been awhile since we chatted.

i need these kinda people in my life.....
the interesting ones who remind me that living with
passion really is what i want......

seasons

woe...it's warm.
it was an august nite here in the house last nite.
i turned my light off to go to sleep and just lay
there thinking 'it's too hot to sleep....'
THAT is an august nite. and we usually only get
maybe three of those tops thru the summer.
and it's only june.
uh oh.

it was still hot when i woke up. too hot to get
on the treadmill, but maybe perfect for a bike ride.
noah joined me and as we hopped on the bikes
and headed down the road, the breeze felt delicious.
'we shoulda just rode bikes all nite' i said.

it's summer. it's here for sure.

i used to hate summer. i'm not great with the heat.
and growin' up in freezing cold air conditioning,
whenever i stepped outside, it seemed even hotter.

somewhere along the line, i ditched the ac, and figured
out this was a whole season to learn to enjoy.
that heat was largely a state of mind.

i've come really far in my acceptance of this season.
i even like it now. mostly.

and as i sat here this morning under my fan, i was
thinking about life. how certain things just play out
certain ways. and how that's the way it is. it's kinda
like seasons, i thought. some parts are better than others.
some parts are more comfortable than others. all have
their place.

and then i thought of the real seasons.
then switched back to life seasons.
they really are a lot alike.

and it all just is.
some is better than others....some days...some moments...
are better than others.
some are more cozy and comfortable...
some more sweaty....
some more exhilarating.

all are part of the deal.
and all have their own beauty...altho some you have to
look past some discomfort to find that beauty...
it's still there.

it's always there.

figuring things out...

'i think i've got it.' i said....
i couldn't look at him tho...it was too hard.
but the fact that i could share it was pretty
darn good.

he understood and waited.

prefaced it with a few things, told him to
hold this filter over here and as he listened place
what i was telling him inside the filter and see
if he could see what i was saying.

the filter was made up of some of my deepest issues.
he knew them and didn't need explanations.
he understood.

i ran thru what was goin' on in me.

it was hard. it was deep. it was incredibly intricate.

and i got it.
i snagged it.
i saw it, knew it, felt it, and put it out there.

i hated that it was happening.

hated it.

i want these issues to be gone.
i hate that they still run thru me so deep.
i was humbled putting it out there.
but i was determined to see it and own it.

when i was finished he said 'i have no idea how you
managed to put that all together.'

i didn't either.
but i knew darn well it was some of my best work.

we both knew it. and we both knew that was one of
the gold nuggets in the whole thing.

there were more gold nuggets...
the trust between us.
his loving response.
the strength of what we've been building...
there was a lotta gold.

but for that moment, there was a lot of pain.
a whole lot of pain.

i so hated it in that moment.

but now.....i don't hate it at all.
i look back at what i did.....
i did awesome.
i mean, i really did awesome.

and i couldn't have this feeling without
all the other stuff......

it's ALL part of me.
and the fact that those issues run thru me
so deep doesn't make me weak....
which is what i felt at the time.
no.
as a matter of fact, they're making me really
really strong.

they are making me into who i want to be.

and when i figured that out, i felt so much
gratitude for the whole darn process....

mean people suck

so a friend shared one of those icky moments
from a dating site. she's not the first friend
to share those moments.

i vividly remember sitting in a car on cell phone
taking a break from vending at a conference outta
state trying to tell a friend the garbage she had
gotten dumped on her from some weirdo guy wasn't
about her. as my friend was sobbing in the phone,
i was just infuriated with what people say to each
other. i remember just seething in the car while
trying to calm her down.

this latest sharing brought up the infuriation.
(i don't think that's a word. but it should be.)

i'm lucky enough to have only had the rotten remarks
from guys when i was a teenager. my gosh, i can still
hear all of them.....

some of those comments were just thoughtless, and some
were downright mean intentioned. and i remember them.
but they were kids, i think...and mostly let them go.
altho, they have helped create a lot of self doubt and
body issues.

what happens when an ADULT says this stuff to you as an
adult?! my gosh.

actually, i've gotten that stuff too as an adult, but in a
less 'in your face' kinda way. the subtle stuff that eats
at you....and lets you know you're not good enough.
ugh.

so i'm thinking about this stuff and i'm grumblin' and
mumblin' and growling when i go sit myself down in my chair
in my back yard.
and as my rear end hits the chair.......it breaks.

CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRACK.

i burst out laughing.
i just laugh and laugh and laugh.

body issues?
yeah, i break chairs when i sit on them.......
and i laughed some more.

comic relief.

i snuggled into the broken chair and looked at
the beautiful day.
i let all the garbage float away.
it easily floated away thru the gorgeous trees.

i thought i'd never get out of that chair....
it felt so good to be there and alone with the sky
and the trees....
wondered how i'd possibly ever get up again.

and then i smelled smoke.
smoke??
i hopped up....
is that a haze of smoke???
i burst into my house sniffing everywhere.

turns out it was my neighbor burning something.

i laughed again.........

the beautiful day. my very own house still standing
and NOT on fire....and i actually made it out of the
chair....

and i thought of all the dumb, thoughtless and downright
mean things people say to each other.

i don't have time for them today, i thought.
i got better things to do......

i'm gonna go celebrate my book with my sons today...
and leave the mean spirited behind....

and the blind could see...

oh.my.gosh.
i just saw in the news about the stem cell
stuff they did with the eyes and how a guy
who was blind for 50 years could see again.

i cried and cried and cried.

can you imagine???

can you JUST imagine??

what amazing timing for the story for me.

weather affects my mood a ton. and i am just
not a hot weather person. and in my house,
no matter what the weather, you feel it.

the guys have a window unit they use to keep
the room cool where they work. i've got one
for a back up to keep my computer from gettin'
too hot....but mostly it's off. fans are goin'.

i notice the changes in the weather. what times
windows are open, when they're closed, how hot
it is at nite...it's totally part of life here.

i mostly do good with heat as i think it's a mind
thing....but there are times when it just gets
me in this mood. just a real ugh mood.

and that's what i was in this morning. walkin and
sweating at six in the morning....i just wasn't
feelin' too lively about much of anything. wasn't
feelin' grateful. was just feelin' hot and sticky.

skipped the treadmill as i just wasn't in the mood
to be so hot...wasn't in the mood for anything.

then i saw the news on the eye...
i cried.
and then got up and went out to my back yard.
i imagined seeing for the first time in 50 years.

know what?? heat never came to my mind.
in fact, it is a BEAUTIFUL morning.

i looked at the trees....i looked at the way
the branches hung near my shed....
i walked over to one of my favorite places
in my yard and just looked and looked and looked.

the gratitude for what i had just flooded in me.

i can see all this. and it is absolutely beautiful.
and now, this man, after fifty years, can see again
too.......

what a thing to carry in my heart today.

suddenly the day became perfect.

the fabric of her dancing shoes

oh ho ho!
my book proof came in today!!!
and i am sooooo excited!!!
i just ordered a bunch so i'll have them
in in a few days!!!

i'm scared.......what if everyone in the world
hates it.

so what! i am tickled with it! i'll line my
shelves with them!

but what if everyone hates it???

then they do!

but i opened myself up so much in there...it's out
there now.....

yes! that was the intention and the plan!

and i did it even when i was freakin' out scared to
death!!

yeah but.....

oh shut up.......

i did it!
it's here!
and i'm not gonna let any ol' negative voices get me
down........not today!!!

noah designed the cover, and i gotta say he did one
awesome awesome awesome awesome job!!!!!

'the fabric of her dancing shoes' has been born!!

bellies

the other nite i read something in this book
i'm reading. (women, food and god).....she was
talking about getting in touch with your belly.

hmmmm......

here's a bit from the book:
'the belly is located in the center of our bodies
and is in fact the center of our grounding. (eastern
mystics believe the belly is the center of our spirit
and that our souls reside there.) sensing it from the
inside - whether it's pulsing or tingling or vibrating,
whether it's warm or cold or numb - helps
us become undeniably and viscerally aware we are alive.
we sense the actual physical presence of our life force
(by sensing our belly).
when you ignore your belly, you become homeless.
you spend your life trying to erase your own existence.
apologizing for yourself. feeling like a ghost.....'

hmmmm....
so i've been thinking about my belly.
that's where i gain my weight and that's the part of me
i probably struggle the most with.

so is it any surprise i couldn't seem to locate it yesterday??

i mean, i KNEW where it was. that's for sure. but i couldn't
feel it. from the inside out. what goes on inside of it.

this has me totally amazed.
i can feel stuff all thru my body. when i have a feeling,
i can stop and locate it in my body.

but my belly?
nothin'.

wow.
wow.
who knew???

so i keep tryin'. and this morning i feel like i've located it.
but that's as far as i've gotten.

this makes me think about health. how there's so much to our
bodies. and being aware encompasses so many things.

i woulda told you i'm VERY aware of my body.
all the while not noticing i lost touch with the part of me
i'm always unhappy with....

hmmmmmm.......
there's some looking and feeling to do there.....
thought i'd throw it out there, cause if she never said anything
in her book, i never woulda noticed.

i'm thinking there's more than bellies here we need to
look into....

and that part about 'always being unhappy with it....'
i know....i know.....i'm lookin' at that too...

travelin' thru

in the winter, there were times when i thought
NOTHING could compare to the feeling of a hot
hot shower.....i would just stand there and let
that water change me...bring me back to feelin'
way way good. there was just nothing like it.

this morning, as i took a blasting cold shower,
i had the biggest smile on my face. NOTHING is
as good as a cold shower when you're all sweaty
and hot, i thought.

and then i remembered the hot showers in the winter
and laughed. apparently i really like showers.

i was feelin' pretty darn good as i dried off and
thought of the day ahead. kinda checked in on my
feelings....okay, should be an easier day today,
i thought.

yesterday turned out to be kinda hard.
some stuff came up.
darn.
i got thru father's day pretty easily....and then,
there it was, the next day things started churning.

i decided to just let the stuff 'move thru.'
i didn't do anything except feel it.
i kept workin' and doin' my thing, but i felt it all day.
by the evening it truly felt like it was just moving thru...
and that all i had to do was let it pass right on thru me
and then i'd be done.

this morning i could feel just a little bit of it left.
it's almost done with its journey thru this time. i'm sure
it'll be back. but maybe i'll remember this when it comes
again....that i don't need to do anything at all with it.
just allow it.

and maybe go take a shower if it feels overwhelming.
cause hot or cold, they seem to bring me back to life!

hookin' up the shop vac....

oh man did i wake up like a slug...
like a slug full of thick, heavy grease
runnin' thru my veins...

i got on the treadmill and decided against
music. i needed to kinda figure out what
was up with me.

that's when i realized i had the heavy
grease cloggin' everything up inside me.
i figured this out as i was chowin' down
on one of those emotional french fries.

remember those? all my negative thoughts
that just clog my system??

well there i was chowin' down on some emotional
fries when i figured out my veins were clogged.

how to unclog them, i wondered....

and as i moved along on that treadmill, i opened
up the top of my head. some would call it the
crown chakra, i just call it the top of my head.

opened that up and let the universe put a shop
vac hose right there and suck out the grease.

as i walked on the treadmill, i made shop vac
blowing noises. pictured the grease just gettin'
sucked right on outta me......whooooooooshhhhhhhhh.....
i kept making noises til i felt cleared out...

ahhhh....now there was room for stars.

and so i pictured the shop vac getting removed and
this whole heap of stars gettin poured right inside
of me.

as i was walkin and picturin' this, my hand hit the
bar on the treadmill. and it made this pretty little
'dingggggggg' noise. i smiled.

of course! there had to be sound effects when these
stars got poured in!!!

so i started tappin' the bars as i moved along and
listenin' to the dings.

i could picture my unclogged veins now....stars just
flowin' on thru.....all over the place.

oh man, it felt better.

i finished up the exercise stuff and hit the cold shower.
ohhhhhh yes.

but i tell ya, as i was gettin' dressed, i started chowin'
down on another one of those greasy emotional fries.

i caught myself.

what are you doin'???
you just cleared all the gunk out!!!

so i stopped myself....

let's work on keepin' those stars flowin' today......
i told myself.

and that's what i'm gonna do.
cause i tell ya, it feels a whole lot healthier...

a highlight....

it's been a weird day.
i had all these plans of things to do today,
and nothing stayed as planned.....
and there was only one melancholy moment for me...
and i just let that be. a tear came out of each
eye, and that was it. and i allowed them to be there.

a highlight was visiting my elderly neighbor.
i saw the opportunity and have been trying to
be more available...so off i toddled....the idea
was to do that for her. for it to be a giving.
it wasn't in the plans today, it wasn't what i would
really choose to do if i was just thinking of myself...
it was a giving.

or so i thought.

as usual, i got way back more than i ever gave out.
why don't i ever remember that when i start out???

we sat and chatted and it was all fine...
i was getting ready to go and then remembered i needed
to tell her about something. to include her in on some
family news.

that means a lot to her.
and again, while i start out doin' it for her, i got
so much more out of it...it means a lot to me.
she truly is family now.

it's been an intentional thing...including her in family
stuff. cause i can see how part of her struggle is not
being part of anything anymore. so i have intentionally
been working on including her and asking for advice and
that kinda thing....

the goal was to ease her pain of being alone.

well, somewhere along the way, this magic happened....
and maybe the goal's been met a tiny bit...
but this other thing happened....the love between us
has so deepened.

and i need her in my life.

it's the coolest thing...

so, anyway, i stayed a lot longer cause we got to talkin'.
and then we got to laughin'.
and then we got to really laughin'.
at one point i was doubled over in my chair,
hangin' over my knees laughing.

i looked over at her and she had her head thrown
back in her chair, laughing.

when we calmed down i gave her a hug with tears in my
eyes and told her that i was so glad i had her.

cause i am.

magic truly happens.
and she's part of the magic in my life....
and definitely a highlight of my day today....

happy father's day!

ahhh so father's day has arrived...
the guys are gettin' themselves ready to
go celebrate their dad, we took the evening
last nite for them to celebrate bob...
all good stuff. it was so fun and full of
good guyish goofin'.

i'm concentratin' on the good, thinking of
the many loving fathers i know and how much
they deserve celebrating.

there are several that come to mind right away.
good good guys....

i'm toasting them today and wishing them a
fun relaxing time where they feel loved!

changes

i read something from my past yesterday
that made me gasp. it was from when i was
18 years old.

18 years old.
is that even possible???

and my gosh, i coulda written it today.
the same sappy, scared but gonna do it
anyway, let's talk deep for awhile person...

that really floors me....
because in some ways i gotta tell you, i
am completely different.

i look back on some things i've been thru
and know without any doubt that those things
would never happen again...

a lot of the changes are personal boundaries
and self worth stuff...a lot of what stayed
the same is personality stuff.

it has me thinking about change.

i just wrote someone who has told me they wanted
to learn how to be better at relationships.
in our exchange, it was clear to me they they
want to learn without any effort.

i honestly don't have time for that thinking
any more.

whatever.
do your thing.

i'll be busy doin' mine.
that right there is a change.
i used to feel like i had to help pull them
along. oh no. not anymore.
it's hard enough to pull myself!

change isn't always growth.
i've seen that too.

18 was lifetimes ago.
the time passes soooo darn fast....

what will i look back on at 49 and grin
about??

i want to keep changing......and i want the
change to be growth.....

something to think about this weekend.......

stopping the preparations and just being....

ohmygosh, it's another gorgeous day!
i actually woke up cold!
and sitting by the window here is chilly!
yes! i love this weather. just makes me
happy.

this whole last week i've been mentally
making a list of things i can do on sunday.
i'll walk thru the yard and think, man, i
really need to get out and trim...maybe i
can do that sunday!
ohhhh i want to fix something up in the house,
maybe i'll do that sunday!
i want to check out this book, this movie,
this magazine...oh i can do that sunday!

sunday is father's day and last year i fell
apart.

so i'm tryin' to brace up all the walls and
make it a good day.

grin.

i'm such a goose.

so this morning as i sipped my tea and said
hello to the morning, and one more time i
thought of something i could do sunday, it
occurred to me.....

stop.
just stop, ter.

if you feel funky on sunday, then stop and
feel funky. if you feel sad, stop and feel
where it is in your body and what it's doin'.

the book i'm reading....women, food and god
is SUCH a good reminder for this stuff. she's
talking about doing this with our feelings.
i'm already aware of that idea, but she's
taken it to a different level for me.

she says it's all about feeling it in the body
and then she adds.....notice any beliefs that
pop up with it.

the beliefs may very well be old, outdated
beliefs that you can let go of.

ohhhhh isn't that cool?

so i looked at what was goin' on with me with
this. i'm just plain scared to face any of that
stuff that tends to pop up during days like
father's day.

there's no need for the fear.

i'm okay.

looking out the window this morning, i believe that
so easily.

and sunday, should i forget, i'm at least gonna
remember to stop and feel what it is i'm feelin'
and see what beliefs pop up.

what a great opportunity to see what old stuff is
still lurking around that needs to be seen and allowed
and then.....who knows??? maybe let go of.

feelin' good.......

i don't know what it is, but i'm taking it.
maybe i exercised just right, or maybe i slept
just right, or maybe this day is so pretty that
you can't help it.....but i'm in a great mood.

i joked with my guy on the phone and felt so
free and good. he called me his hippie chick and
i laughed...

ran up to have coffee with my girlfriend. we sat
outside talking about it all. from serious to goofy
from life to death, we covered it. it felt wonderful

her friend pulled up, got out and stopped to say
hello and called us his hippie chicks.

i laughed.
what is up with that???
and how come that tickled me so much??
i've always hated being called that!
and twice in one morning!
by two guys with the same name.
grin.
it's just that kinda day.....

as we pulled out, we ended up at the intersection right
next to each other...i looked over and made a face.
she jumped right in and started pulling at her nose
and eyes and made faces back. i went to make mine even
more goofy when i looked at her and just started laughing
so hard, i couldn't.

the light turned green, i laughed all the way back.

i pulled into my elderly neighbor's with a goodie.
she opened the door and asked for the password.
i said 'blueberry muffin' and held the bakery bag up.
she lit up like a kid who just got a cupcake.

i laughed.

it's the little things, i thought.
my gosh, it is sooo the little things.

and today i am gonna pack this gorgeous day full of
really awesome good little things...

good stuff

world's best mood goin on over here!
feels soooo good.

wanted to share a piece of this book i'm
readin'....

'our work is not to change what you do,
but to witness what you do with enough
awareness, enough curiosity, enough tenderness
that the lies and old decisions upon which
the compulsion is based become apparent and
fall away.'

and then on the next page she quotes the poet
galway kinnell - 'sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness.'


thought those two things were too good not
to share!

that's from women, food and god by geneen roth

and the pause changed everything......

okay. i'm pretty excited about this one.....

i was feelin' pretty out of sorts.
the out of sorts where i just go eat stuff.

BUT i'm reading 'women, food and god'
and she's talking about binge eating and how we
are covering up our feelings when we do that.

i know that. but she's exploring it in the book
and it's really making me think.
so all that's on my mind.

so i'm upset and i think.......i'm gonna just eat
something. something with guacamole on it.

i'm laughing as i type this, but that's what i was
thinking.....

and i think of the book. and how i'm just tryin'
to cover my feelings.

'yep. i am.' i tell myself. 'and i'm gonna go ahead
and do it anyway. so there.'

okay, so that's not so good. and i would have done
that except that the guys had already eaten, and
i knew they were full. that slowed me down. it made
me pause.

and all i needed was that little bit of slow down.
that pause.
cause then i thought about it and said okay, i'll
go take a shower.

(i just learned how valuable the slow down is for
me! i gotta keep that pause in mind!!)

so in the shower i think of the book, and i think of
the feelings i'm tryin' to stuff down.

anger. a whole lot of anger, resentment and frustration.

'okay' i tell myself. 'that's what you have. and you
may have that for awhile. okay. how about you treat
yourself good thru this? how about you eat good and
don't binge and make yourself feel bad? how about if
you're good to yourself while you're hurting?'

and that was it.
and saying that to myself......allowing the feelings
without having to DO anything with them and suggesting
that i treat myself good......well, it was totally
empowering.

no fixing myself, no examining it all, no holding it
and dealing with it. just knowing it was there and would
prolly be there for a bit...and knowing that is a great
time for some extra care......that was it.

woe!!!!!!!!!!

that's all it took. i went and made myself dinner.
was aware of not overeating and relaxed.

and then, when i tucked myself in at nite, i offered
myself compassion for the circumstances leading to
the anger.

i wanted to top it all off with compassion for myself.

i fell asleep doin' that...

first time in my life i can ever remember doin' anything
like this.

and this so ties in to the travelin from my head to my
heart......i want to trust my heart.

last nite i did.

a treasure of a box

her 5oth birthday is coming up.
and she's just recently been told she's
'incurable.'

wow.
what do you do with that?
she's searchin', tryin' more things, asking,
looking....

i haven't written about it because i can't.
it's too hard to hold and i don't know what
to say. i'm not ready to talk about it.

in the meantime, her birthday will be here.
and i couldn't think of a thing to get her.

but then i remembered what she said...about
her cards and letters....how she hoards them
for days when she's feeling bad. she may not
open one when she first gets it. she may save
it for when she needs it. 'hoards' is the word
she used.

i got her a hand made wooden box to keep those
cards and letters in.
that's all i could think of.
i searched around and found one i thought she might
like.

there has been no part of this that has held anything
but sadness for me.

until today.
the box came in.
and it is beautiful. it's perfect. and it smells so
good.

the beauty of it, the talent of the man who made it,
even the little note he wrote on the receipt...that
he was keeping us both in his prayers....

the entire thing was like holding this gorgeous piece
of beauty. i don't even know how to describe it, but
it was the first 'right' thing i have felt since i
heard the news.

people tell me that they can feel me in the things i
make...that's how i felt about this box...i felt the
guy who made it.

i wanted to share him with you in case anyone else needs
the perfect gift....while i think they're really nice on
the website....let me tell ya....it's nothing like holding
one in your hands....

stop on by and see what moved me just by holding it.

guidance vs. control

was thinking about 'guidance' vs 'control'
this morning.

the easiest place to start thinking about that
for me is with parenting.

i believe it's part of a parent's job to guide
their kids. and sometimes the guidance is control.
but if you work with it all along and really
respect the kid, then it truly can turn into
gentle guidance as they get older. i think it's
a big dance all the way thru, with control being
more part of it when they're tiny and no part of
it when they're grown.

i think it's really sad when parents get lost in
complete control, or no control at all...and
guidance isn't ever even addressed or understood.
it's such a huge concept that if overlooked changes
everything. and i believe it's overlooked often.

as i was thinking about this, i brought my thoughts
to adults. my first thought was you can't guide
an adult. they've pretty much got their minds made
up.

but i don't think that's true. i look to my friends
for guidance. i will go to them when i think they
can see something more clearly than i can. i check
in to see what they're observing, what their thoughts
are. i look for their guidance.

but there's no way they can control. then i'd back
right away. would run the other way.

i actually look for the one, and run from the other.

i guess that's human nature. even when we're kids.
we may submit to the control....for a bit.....or
maybe forever....but it takes such a toll.

funny.

there so has to be balance, doesn't there?
and where there's no balance, it's so darn obvious.

there's another class we need in school:
guidance vs. control 101.

and yeah, i think we need it in school......cause
it's the rare home that teaches these things.

icky dreams

the alarm went off and i was so glad to get out
of bed. highly unusual for a monday. but it had
been one of those nites filled with uncomfortable
dreams and one full fledged icky nightmare.

i was glad to get up.

seems to be a pattern of when the nightmares come
and i wasn't surprised, but i sure wasn't thrilled.
wishing i hadn't had the dream, i headed out for
a walk to go figure it out.

as i turned the corner, i had an 'aha' moment and
was kinda stunned.

oh my gosh.
here this icky dream was carryin' one heck of a
message for me.

it was about the past coming back and battering you.
it was represented by a young boy who was a sociopath.
he didn't have any conscious about hurting anyone.

he chose an old woman to beat.
he carried a stick and beat her with the stick....

eventually, what was done with the boy - whether he
was allowed to roam as he had been, or if he was locked
up, or sent away or whatever - was the decision of the
one he beat. it was up to the old woman.

there were ins and outs of the dream that no one else
needs...but that was the basic outline.

i thought the representing the past like that was incredible.

it doesn't care if it hurts you or not.
it will beat you over and over again if you let it.
if you allow it to roam thru your life over and over again,
it will keep doin' it til you grow old.
it is up to us what we do with that.
it isn't the police, a jury, other people, friends....
it is ours. our decision alone.

as i walked and thought about it, i was amazed. and i grinned.
okay. okay. i do pay a whole lot more attention to the icky
dreams because they jolt thru me so much i figure i need to
look at them.

there was a lot more in there for me and i just couldn't get
over some of the symbols.

the timing was perfect.
i headed back in feelin' grateful for my dreams.
go figure.
what a difference a walk can make.

moving even more.....

there's nobody on the planet like her.
and i'm lucky enough to call her my friend.

she popped by as i was doing numbers this morning.
a little discouraged, i looked up and smiled
big time. i threw open the shades,unlocked the
door, and let her in.

we chatted for a bit and then as she got up
to leave, she looked at me and said 'ter,
you don't have to give your stars away.
just let them shine. that's all you have to
do.'

i stared at her.
this kinda came out of the blue.
had nothing to do with what we were talking
about.

and there she stood with this smile on her
face just looking at me.

and we got into this incredible conversation.
i told her something i had never told anyone
in the world before.

and she nodded in total understanding as i
told her.

we talked of letting our light shine.

she loved me as she told me her thoughts.

again.
someone loving me into a new space.

my gosh there's power in love.

that's the bottom line of the whole intense
conversation....

you don't have to give your stars away.
just let them shine.

doesn't sound so ground breaking, does it?
and yet, it moved my world this morning.

i held her tight, told her i didn't know
what i'd do without her....
and now i'm sitting here kinda amazed.

i didn't know how to move into my heart.

and people who love me came and held me
and helped me.

talk about gratitude...
i am filled with it right now.....

gettin' there.....

i got somewhere.
this whole head/heart thing.
i made progress.

can't say i'm totally there....
but i got far yesterday. really far.

i had help.
and i needed it.
my guy gave it to me.
i had spilled all this head/heart struggle
(see blog posts below) to him over the phone
on friday.

saw him quickly at josh's gig friday nite and
wasn't sure he had comprehended the spilling
that i had done. no sign of comprehension.
oh well, i thought, this is up to me anyway.

and then, from the minute he walked in yesterday
to the minute he left, i knew he had comprehended
and was trying to help. i could feel it.

he never said so on his own. he doesn't. he just
does things. i asked him about it at some point,
cause it sure felt like it to me.
sure enough...yes. he had been very aware of it all
and had been trying to help.

in the safety and space he provided, i tuned into
my heart and i kept trying to allow it to open.
i talked to it. i went to it. i felt it. i held it.
i touched my heart.

i touched my heart with his help.
i didn't know how i was gonna get there.......
but he guided me and encouraged me....
he loved me into it.

he loved me into it.

wow.

i did good.
and as time went on, i noticed something.
i was feeling deep deep gratitude.
for him. for other things. for lots of things.

gratitude is usually a constant companion of mine.
but when it leaves, it takes me awhile to be aware
of it and name it. but i know something's not right.

as the gratitude came back last nite i could feel it.
ohmygosh......i haven't had that lately, i thought.

i didn't even realize it.

how can you have an open heart if you don't have
gratitude? i think for me, it's impossible.
they are completely entwined.

i can't say i'm completely open. but i can say i'm
way way more in my heart than i have been.

and i know some of this is protection.
but i don't believe i need it.

so i will continue to gently massage my heart and let
it know it's okay.
and i am going to concentrate on the gratitude today.

i need that today to face a hurdle.
and i think i can find it.
not sure if i can hang on to it.
but i'm gonna try.
and if i don't.....i'm gonna be gentle with that too.

i'm gettin' there.
with a whole team of people behind me, i'm gettin' there.

a p.s. to anyone who's been reading and relating and struggling
and doesn't have that partner to love them back....i do know
how lucky i am to have that. i also think tho, that it's love
that did it. love. and love comes from friends too. and friends
can help hold that space for you. two of my biggest space holders
right now are two of my friends. and i think now, i realize, i just
have to rest in the space these people make with their love and
use that space to hold my heart. i think i just learned that
yesterday.......

proud mama

so my all time favorite song josh does is
'the three little pigs' done to heavy metal.

big smile here.

yeah. you have to hear it to believe it.

he does it really well, belts out the wolf
voice and does the little pigs chanting
'not by the hair of your chinny chin chin'
really good too!

i sat there with a big smile on my face
thru that one.

thought i'd post a picture of my boy doin'
his thing here......

notice the different guitars. in the black
and white picture you can't tell, but the
guitar is yellow with black stripes to match
his shoes!

the other guitar he painted himself.

rock on, josh!
you light up my world!

a journey

so yesterday i figured out i was in my head,
not my heart.

okay. i figure that's a trust thing towards my
heart/emotions.

okay. i think about it all day.
here and there i have a tearful conversation.
but...the tears are controlled.
i can tell a lot want to come out. i only let
some out.

i'm thinking i'm making some progress and working
more from the heart when i go off to hear josh
play his music at the relay for life.

i love to hear josh play. lights up everything
for me. THIS will help, i think.

i don't think twice about it being at the relay
for life until i get there.

bam. my heart shuts its doors tight.

i walk by some signs with pictures of women
on them. not sure if they were survivors or not.
cause i didn't stop to read them.
i looked over, saw them, hesitated, as normally
i would have read each one.....i would have spent
a long time reading....
instead, i turned and walked away fast.

i said hello to the guys. zakk was in charge of
sound, noah in charge of pictures, josh in charge
of entertainment.

i pointed to a spot in the field that was empty.
i'd be there, i said. took my book and settled in.

i didn't say hello to any of the women there. i didn't
find out what it was all about and what they were
doing. i didn't want to know.

someone i love has just been told she's incurable.
yeah.
what a word.

i'm havin' a hard time dealing with that.

you would think i would want to hear stories of hope,
stories of survivors.
no.
i just wanted to ignore the whole thing.
pretend cancer doesn't exist.

and so i sat there all by myself and ignored the place.

bob showed up as josh was playing and sat next to me.
i wasn't all alone.

i still felt it tho.

hiding from my heart.

josh did great. rocked the place. i watched him
and loved it. i'm amazed how he can do that. he's
so comfortable up there and chats between songs and
jokes when things mess up.
it's so fun to watch him. and so i got lost in that.

he finished, bob left, i joined the guys.
we talked of where to go grab something to eat.
zakk and i were to decide as we walked back to get my car.

zakk innocently turns to me as we walk and asks
'where do you want to go?'

i choke up.
the people have been talking over the loudspeakers.
i can hear them talking of surviving.

'i just want to get out of here.' i say to him.
he looks over at me, registers how i'm feelin' and
starts talking to drown out the speakers.

i smile at him. joke to him about what he's doin'.
and walk faster to get out of earshot.

obviously i am thrilled people are surviving.
obviously i want people to support each other and have
these kinda events.

i just don't want to think about one of the things
i'm hiding from. that's all.
don't make my heart open.
just don't do that.

funny.
this is what i want.
an open heart.
and this is why i'm posting this.
cause i want to journey to have one.

and it's when times are really full and difficult that
i'll be tested.
so far, i'm not doin' so good.
but that's okay.
cause i'm learning.

i'm watching.
and i'm thinking a lot about it.
and i'm gonna figure this out....while at the same time
i'm gentle and loving to myself.

this is gonna be my topic this weekend.
how do i get from my head to my heart....

not sure yet......
but i'm workin' on it........

a little locked up....

i've been workin' hard lately.
both on outside stuff and inside stuff.

there's been a lot swirling around me and
in me and all over the darn place.

i think when it gets like that i get
kinda cerebral. which even makes me laugh
typing this. i'm not really your cerebral
kinda gal....

but when the waters are a bit choppy,
i seem to operate from my head. my head
knows the deal, knows what will keep me afloat,
what will knock me down, what will help me
cope, what will help me goin' forward.what
i should do, what i shouldn't do. oh my gosh,
my head knows all that.

um....that's all good but....um....
my inner child needed some attention.
and my head knew that.
so i took a walk and with my head tried to
attend to that part of me.

hmmmmmm.....i can see why this method won't work
for some people. you can't do it from your head.
at least, i can't.

my gosh did that flop.

there was only one point that i even felt close
to getting anywhere, and that's when my head
shut up, my heart rushed in, tears flooded to my
eyes, and then my head stepped in and stopped
them.

they never even ran down my cheeks.

i finished the walk - and it was an extra long one -
without getting anywhere.

except for this...i saw my head's runnin' the show
and i know that's not okay.

i'm afraid to change it back to my heart.

just seein' that is helpful.

i don't plan on changin' that today.
in fact, i'd really like to get thru the next few
days like this....

no.
no i wouldn't.
no i really really wouldn't.

thing is.......i want to get thru the next few days
in one piece....i'd like to get thru the next bit
of my life in one piece.

can i believe in my heart that much and know that i can?

i've got to.

i'm just not sure how to.

it's a trust thing, isn't it?
oh my yes.

it's a trust thing.

humph

i haven't read too much of this new book i've got.
and i think i'm really going to like it...
altho she did say something that made my inner
child go 'humph.'

she said she didn't believe in an inner child.

humph.

i seriously felt something inside me react.
which is kinda funny.

but ya know, i think that's such a not cool thing
to say.

you could say 'i don't believe i have an inner child.'
or 'i don't believe everyone has an inner child to
work with.' or something like that.....
i'm okay with that.

but excuse me......i have one running rampant over here!
whether you believe in it or not.

so it got me thinking about wording.

i don't believe in a lot of stuff either.

but i think i've really got to be careful with the
wording and say 'for me' at the end of that thought.

and it's made me think of how completely different we
all are...and so completely the same.

completely different things work for us and exist in
our lives and beliefs....
and at the same time, we all hold those things with
meaning and care...we all have the same kinda feelings
about them.

it's so hard to respect things that are so different
from us. i think of some of patty's stories about the
customs in south africa. they were so different to me,
and yet sacred to them.

that seems imperative to remember.

but i'm glad this lady said what she did about the inner
child...cause it got mine all riled up. and i'm noticing
her more since i read that line.

and life is always better for me when i notice her more.

i understand that the inner child concept is not for
everyone. i totally get that.

and i'm so glad it's right for me.

wouldn't it be awesome if we could all hold our beliefs
and things that matter to us like that....understand they
aren't for everyone and just be glad we've got what works
for us?

i really like that.

soul colors

took an early bike ride......
oh man do i love those.....

as i rode along i looked at the sky and
the trees and the color of everything and
thought 'i just want to smear this color
all over me.'

and then it hit me........
i think these are the colors of my soul.

yep. i do.
i'd like them to be more jazzy and flashy,
but i think it's the silvery blues and
the darker greens. the colors when it's
a bit overcast....the darker ones.....

i rode and thought about that.
when it's this color out i feel so completely
connected. figure it's cause my soul's gotta
be similar colors.

hmmmm....
what color is your soul and why?

did you ever wonder???

sending sun

she dropped a note.
hasn't been doin' so good lately.

i read it just before a walk and told
her i'd take her with me.

and so i did.
holding her as i went.

at one point i turned the corner into
the bright bright sun.
i closed my eyes and just felt it as
i walked.
i felt the sun on my face and sent her
sun.

i could hear the boys scolding me in my
mind at one point: 'mom! don't close your
eyes when you walk....you gotta look where
you're goin'.' i grinned thought how you
can't scold someone for sending sun. and
just kept walkin' with my eyes closed.

it felt so good and warm and healing....
the perfect thing to send her.

i rounded the corner, hit the shade and opened
my eyes.....what a beautiful day. i threw in
some shade to the mix and sent it her way.

i hope she felt it.

tangled

my head needs to decompress.
between way too much goin' on and allergies
my head is stuffed up and spinning.

to bike ride or to walk on this beautiful
morning, that was the question.
i walked figurin' it might give my thoughts
a chance to sort out.

i put my toes into one of the things i want to walk
thru...i've been thinking a lot about how our
childhood affects us and pushes us in certain
directions.

sometimes in very cool ways, sometimes in very
limiting ways.

not a new thought for me....but one i've gained
renewed interest in.

wouldn't you like to know what really motivates you
and why you pick the things you do?

and why would we let THAT time run THIS time?
even with the positive things we do.....

i want all that i've learned and gained along the
way to be my motivators....not my childhood!!!

and if you're shakin' your head thinkin' you don't
do that....look real close, cause i'm thinking we
all do it so much more than we realize.

i need to snag some untangling time here cause
i want to look at my motivators.

for now tho.....i remained tangled.

one heck of a crowd.

the visit ended with dinner at josh's house.

patty and i had our first alone time in the car on
the way over. driving there she told me the story
that i needed to hear. the story that was something
i could hold on to.

she told me the story of a little girl who was one of
her first cases when she got to africa. and how torn
up patty was over the case and then, months later,
she bumped into the little girl at a party and she
was so bright and shining that patty didn't even recognize
her at first.

she told the story with wonderful detail and feeling
and just as we were turning into josh's driveway,
she said 'they raped her body, but they didn't rape
her soul.'

i teared up, breathed that in, and parked the car.
i needed that story.

timing it like pros, we all landed there
within minutes of each other. meeting bob in the
driveway, we headed in.
the guys landed right after us and they
wandered in, food in hand. josh had another
friend there, and there was a lot of hub bub
all at once. meeting each other, hugging each
other, and juggling food.

i grabbed josh's friend, sat with her on the couch
and started immediately telling her the story patty
just told me! nothing like leaping right in. but
it was such a good story....i wanted to share....

there was chatter and brainstorming and stories
and incredibly serious talk mixed in with laughter.

sitting across from patty at one point i looked
over at her wrapped in her beautiful orange shawl
bent over laughing. my heart clapped with delight.

driving her back when it was all over, she mentioned
the laughter, commenting on how we knew how to laugh.

yeah....we do.
we can laugh with the best of 'em....we can hurt with
her stories...we can brainstorm how to help...we mix
it all up together and you get this really goofy mix
of a group.

what a nite.
i got to spend it with patty and the crew....
and the spirits of those women and kids in africa
were so mixed in thru it all......

there was a crowd in that house last nite. some just
there in spirit, but they were there.

and it was one heck of a crowd.

we are the world

i asked him what he thought about the idea of having
a responsibility to the world to offer yourself.
he didn't think it was to the world.....he thought it
was to yourself.

i smiled across the table.
i agreed.

and somewhere inside i knew it was the same thing.

i think it's just what's easier for us to see, what
words are easier for us to use and hold. slippery words,
slippery concepts.

every now and then i get a glimpse of an understanding
that we are the world and the world is us and we
are the universe and the universe is us.

every now and then that kinda just slides thru my heart.

it comes in quick, i see it, feel it, and then i have
no words to explain what i felt.

a whole lot of sayings seem really trite to me.
i've heard a thousand times and never even blink when
i hear them.....

god is love.
we are the world.
we're all connected.
you can't love anyone til you love yourself.

things i've heard a million times that roll right on by
me. and then........sometimes i understand them and my
breath is taken away.

for a brief moment, i got this one.....
we are the world.

it's a pretty awesome thought.

i'm done.

yesterday was low key as zakk is a low key kinda guy.
low key is hard for me. but i also understand not
everyone is the same as me, and zakk is certainly not.

so, while josh attended his graduation in
leather pants and jimi hendrix tie,
followed by a graduation party in which everyone
was required to wear pink in some fashion and there
was a whole lotta whooping and hollering....

i knew noah would be a little more toned down.

sure enough. he attended his graduation in normal
clothing, getting up to share his thoughts (all
the graduates get to talk at the ceremony) and
sending the crowd into a nice roar of laughter
with his one liner. josh actually gave one of the
talks at noah's ceremony and had captivated the
audience. he truly bowled us all over. i wondered
what noah could possibly say after that and was
a little nervous for him. but he's known as the
king of the one liners in our house, and sure enough
he landed a zinger and sat down with his diploma.
all of us laughing and applauding. a family gathering
was what noah wanted, and that's what we did for him.

and then there was zakk.
no way was he going to the ceremony. he remembered
sitting at both his brother's thinking he was never
going to his. he held that vision and said no thank you.
even getting him to celebrate with us was a big deal.
but we did get a family day...and zakk's form of
celebrating.

when he hugged me goodnite and thanked me last nite,
i knew we all had our own styles. and that was kinda
the whole point of the whole home schooling thing
anyway.

my favorite moment was when he and i were alone, had
finished his last project and we leaned back and looked
at each other. i teared up and he did that fist bump
thing to both my fists.

and with that....i'm done.

a very cool ending...

so i'm goin' crazy over here.
zakk has a final writing project to do.
and no, it's not my assignment or of course
we'd throw it out the window.
but he's polishing something up that he needs
to turn in to the group we're hooked up with.

he came down and we went over some of it...
and the first thing i read brought tears to
my eyes.

he wrote about stuff he's learned thru
home schooling....

it brought it all together for me.
what we've really been doing here.
what this has really done for all of us.....

it's actually overwhelming.
this decision really worked for us.

now i'm gonna go tell him whatever he's got is
way good enough and let's go goof........

thoughts

she is truly amazing and special and i know that.
thing is........every single one of us is in our
own way.

and that's why i want to post this.

i looked over at her and looked her in the eyes.
'do you know how special you are? do you really
know it?' i asked her.

'i don't care if you know it so you feel good about
yourself. that's not the point. do you know how
special you are in the sense of what you have to
offer the world?'

i think maybe each one of us should stop and ask
ourselves that.

because at some point, it's not just a valuable
thing you need to have to be healthy....
at some point, it's not about you anymore.

it's about what you give back.

if you don't see your gifts, how can you offer them?

if you don't fully see how special you are, then
do you ever offer all that you have?

if you don't offer all that you have, are you holding
out on the world?

do we have any responsibility to give what we have
back?

all these thoughts tumbled thru my head yesterday.

i looked at her and knew she can and does rock the world.

i looked at myself and wondered if my inability to see
what i had to offer was actually a selfish act.

i think it is.

we all can rock the world.
and i believe we all have a responsibility to give back
to the world, to make it better.
i really do.

so do we hold out because we don't want to see?

graduation day!!

another big day!
zakk's day!
he's done with school today!!!!
true to form, he's scrambling to finish
a last project this morning just as we
head into a day of celebrating his graduation!

we will be celebrating zakk today!
and all that he has done thru out the years.

my gosh......
can we really have finished???

and with him, i'm done.
no more homeschooling.

when we started this whole thing, i thought
it would be for a couple of years. i had no
idea i would end up teaching all three kids
all the way thru.

each one has been so different.

one of my favorite stories with zakk is his
reading.

i had two big goals....one was to teach the boys
to love reading.

he was just my hold out.
he just wasn't into reading anything his brothers
had gotten into. nothing was capturing his interest.

until......
until.........

he was about 11 when he discovered college level text
books on mechanics or anything technical.

he'd get these books out of the library that i'd never
even look twice at. and he'd just sit and eat them up.

when he was around 12, i was worried about his reading
comprehension. he just didn't seem to follow the story
of some classic we were reading or something like that.

sitting on my couch one day, i was telling bob i wasn't
sure about his comprehension.

bob leaned over to the coffee table, picked up the big
fat text book for college students that was some technical
book i've long since forgotten.

ter, do you realize he understands these books?
do you realize he's reading these and putting them into
practice? do you realize how young he is and what he's
doing???

oh yeah.
i forgot.
he is.

and i'm laughing here thinking of that.........
oh yeah.
and then i stopped worrying. and i started seeing.

homeschooling taught me that over and over again.
stop worrying. start seeing.

i had to do that over and over again.

zakk and i have completely different brains.
and i gotta say, he's brilliant.

he truly is brilliant. they all are.
and i truly had nothing to do with that.

except for one thing....i tried not to kill their
love of learning. i tried to keep that alive.
that was the other thing i kept in mind all thru
out - don't make learning a chore, make it something
positive.

and THAT was the best thing i coulda ever done.

in return, they all taught me that if you want
to do anything, just figure out how and then do it.

i taught them to love to learn.
they taught me to apply that learning to life.

i am not kidding.
they gave that in return.

how's that for an education for all of us???

toasting zakk today, toasting homeschooling,
and toasting the best sons a mom could ever have!

karen's blog

i just went over to my adopted sister, karen's blog.

oh wow.

two vids there. the top one totally shook my insides.
i watched it twice....deep things stirred.

the second vid has me headin' over to check out the
book they talked about......

figured i ought to share!
check out karen's blog!

patty!!!

ohmygosh........
i could not have loved her any more!

she's beautiful. her entire being shines.
she's loving, she's open, she's soooo real.
her eyes are so deep they just pull you in
and you get lost.

i bet every man in the world falls in love
with her, and i bet every woman in the
world wants to be her friend. and yeah, i'm
sure some women fall in love with her too!

she got off the elevator JUST as we were
walkin' by it to figure out where to sit.

it was such a surprise to me as we were a
few minutes early, and my head just wasn't
there. it never occurred to me we'd bump into
her like that. bam. right there. smack in front
of each other.

i looked up, saw her, gasped, and ran to her.

i think because it caught me by surprise,
i wasn't thinking, and i just ran to her.

it was like we just knew each other immediately.

i don't remember ever scoopin' anyone i hadn't met
before like that into my arms. i don't remember
ever runnin' to anyone i didn't know like that
before......

she gives awesome hugs. and she just didn't
let go. we hugged like we hadn't seen each other
in lifetimes......

she hugged all my guys and i just stood their
grinnin'.

we sat at a table and talked and talked and talked.
my plan was to go out and grab some lunch, but i
forgot what we were doing. i lost all track of time.
i lost all track of everything except the conversation.

we just talked and talked and talked.

she told us her stories.
i asked questions. every time i asked about one of
the women or children i teared up. the guys joked about
not bringing the tissues. i couldn't believe i didn't!

mary, i asked about the girl with the purple flowers!
she's doin' great according to patty!

lady fair JUST got into her house! patty talks to her
weekly.....

as she filled us in, she'd look over with those eyes of
hers, and i would just tumble inside of them. i truly
truly love this woman.

somehow patty will make her way back to africa. she's
figuring that out right now.
she'll be having an art show to raise funds to do that.
when i know the details, i'll post them.

there's something incredible about her.
there's something really really really incredible.
to be that open and that loving after having seen all
she's seen.....

she reminds me so much of the power of an open heart.

we're hopin' for a family gathering before the weekend's
over. a dinner with the gang....there will be more time
together before she goes away.

and i can tell ya, she will forever be in my heart.
once again for anyone who missed it......if you don't
know who she is......check her out here!

a big day around here

today's a big day around here!
the guys and i get to meet patty!

if you've been hangin' around long enough you'll
remember patty is the woman who did volunteer work
in south africa.

i actually heard about patty from someone who gets
our quote of the day. i never had interacted with
this woman before. she wrote to comment on a quote
that came in her mail box one morning. she liked it
and told me she sent it to her friend in south
africa. and THAT was how i heard about patty.

when i asked a bit about it, she forwarded me a bunch
of patty's letters.

i remember that day. one of those busy days. i didn't
plan on getting into a dialog. i had things goin' on.
all these letters came in. i'll just stop and take a
really quick peek, i thought.

i ended up slowly reading every single one as the tears
poured down my face. the world stopped for me that
morning and i knew i had to help.

i was so moved by her stories that i decided to
build a tiny website that would let people know
what she was up to.

me. website. yeah. that's a stretch.
well, i was inspired.
i'll tackle anything when i'm inspired.

i took a gazillion pages of letters and things i
had from patty, printed them out and sat on my
studio floor surrounded with them. i was trying to
figure out a layout of the site.

the guys were really busy with other projects and
i knew that i could make a basic thing for her.
i asked them if they could guide me thru a few links,
but other than that i wouldn't bother them.

as i sat there reading these letters, noah and
zakk came down to fill some orders. i started reading
bits and pieces to them.

i didn't do it to 'hook' them. i had already told them
i had this project covered. and i wanted to do it.
but as i read, noah got drawn in. he sat down on the
floor with me and told me he wanted to help.
i insisted that i had it. he had too much on his plate
already. he insisted he wanted in.

i looked up at his face. he wasn't kidding. he was
moved too. and really.......how could you not be?

and you know.......thank goodness he was.
cause he has the most beautiful touch. and this so needed
that.

so noah built patty a website. i helped organize it and
figure out some of the mundane things. and before i knew
it, zakk and josh were involved and helping out too.
zakk, who i could never get to design anything for bone
sighs, was designing a card with his photography and
josh's lyrics to a song josh wrote just for this site.
their hearts were moved as much as mine. they helped out
on some behind the scenes things...and before too long...
we had a site up and were workin' on spreadin' the word.

patty is one of the most inspiring women i have ever come
across. her writing is gorgeous, her heart amazes me.
and she's beautiful on top of it all. i mean, beautiful
inside for sure.....and beautiful outside.

and now.....today........we all get to meet her in person!
she was travelin' in the area, and actually came in a bit
early to meet us. she actually came early for us.

i am so completely honored and soooooo looking forward to this.
i think i kinda need it.

if you've missed patty and the site, or if you just want
to go back and re-inspire yourself......check her out here!

i think she's heading back to south africa!!!
i'll get the full story later today...

trusting the process

up early, thinking about life's processes.

watching things unfold as they need to.

stuff that needs to be dealt with will come up.
do we pay attention or let it go back down
and hope it goes away?

i once told the universe i'm finished with
learning the hard way. i don't need to be
kicked in the teeth anymore. i'll pay attention.

that's prolly a good thing to remind myself of
now and again.

and when i sit back and look at how it all unfolds...
the good and the hard......

i'm amazed.

there does seem to be a process.

i'm trusting it today.

required classes......

sometimes i sit and figure out great classes
we need to offer in school.

there'd be a lot more practical psych courses,
courses in what love means, courses in self worth,
courses in how to deal with anger and disappointment...
and a class in apologies.

apologies are so powerful.
and when they're missing, it's equally as powerful.

someone once told me how her husband never says
'i'm sorry.' and when she does, he angrily tells
her it's too late. he doesn't want it.

i've seen people who could have made such headway
with a situation by a simple, sincere 'i'm sorry'
just never say it. i've watched the entire course
of conversations change because of that. i have
sat in bewilderment wondering how that could never
have been said.

i've seen the completely empty apologies. those
are worse than nothing, i think.

and i've seen ones that have seemed empty and yet
somewhere down in there they mean it, they just
have to hide it behind the empty look. there's
some weird pride mixed in.

why??

josh loves to tell me the story of when he was
a kid and i'd tell him he needed to apologize to
his brother, he'd say 'i apologize.' which to him
didn't mean he was sorry at all. it was an entirely
different thing. if he said 'i'm sorry.' well then,
he meant that. in his kid mind, there was a handy
little difference.

that's turned into quite a joke around here. and
now if i sincerely say 'i apologize' it usually
gets met with laughter.

i've always been quick to apologize. quick to feel
what the other person feels. i tend to overdo the
apologies. i actually have to work on toning them
down.

so i'm totally lost when someone doesn't offer one.
that'd be such a great topic in a class.

can you imagine all the things we could teach
the kids growin' up.....

heck....maybe these need to be college courses as well.

heck.....maybe these need to be offered all thru life.
required.

required classes in love, humanness, and kindness.....

hmmmmmmm.......
now there's a thought......