ideamensch

mister mario of ideamensch included me in on his features today.

i'm tickled and sharing........

if you have a moment.
and seriously, you know the stuff about me already if you read this
blog.....so skip that part and go check out the site and mario!!

here ya go!

the infamous clipboard....

this morning, in my head, i could see my dad standing there
with his clip board, asking me if i've figured out my goals for
the new year.

that was his thing. goals and a clipboard.
and he was cute about it. and he was totally serious about it.

what an interesting visual for me this morning.
cause i've been workin' really hard on my business goals,
but it's my inner child part that's screaming at me right now to
pay attention.

and there's my dad with the clipboard.
seemed kinda interesting to me that visual popped up this morning.
i guess it's too late to climb up in his lap and ask him to
put seeing me and loving me as his goal. would i ever have had the nerve
anyway? probably not.
and that's the deal.
but i'm here.
so what do i put on my clipboard?
i'm the one here for that part of me that needs seeing and loving.
it's my job now.

i'm very aware of the new year coming up.
i heard myself on all the holiday calls with friends and family asking
me about business. it's been on my mind, and it pours out when asked.

no one asked how my inner child was doin'.
and what a great question that would be!
i have to remember to ask other people that.

so i turn to this list - filled with business ideas and goals.
and oh yeah, the personal ones are on there that i like to keep
in mind - the healthy eating and exercising....

but doggone it, there hasn't been one thing for little terri.
and i gotta say, it hasn't been the smoothest season for that part of me.

which may be good.
cause she's carryin' on something fierce inside.
and maybe, just maybe that part of me should be top of the list on
that ol' clipboard. maybe dancing with her and playing with her
and loving her the way i've wanted others to - maybe THAT'S
what should be on top, ya know?

seriously.

why hadn't that even entered my mind?
cause i think that sooooooo needs to be there.

it's new years. and unlike a lotta others, i really DO like the resolution
idea. i really do like the goals and the shooting for things. i always have.
i like the fresh start and the trying again and all that stuff. i like the memory
of my dad and his clipboard and his lists and his talking pros and cons with
me. i think he even had different kindsa goals he'd talk about. you know,
some are easier than others and some you may not make but it's good to
try for....that kinda thing.....goals were  a whole science to that man. and
i got his love for them. i really did.

altho, i can picture him cringing with the whole inner child thing.
and it makes me laugh. that wouldn't have been okay to put on the list.
and maybe there's some secret glee in that too....cause she's goin' on
the list big time.

and today i'm gonna spend some time figuring out just how that's gonna work.

it's a new year. it's a gift to be held with gratitude and respect.
and for me, it's a gift to do all i can with.
and that's the mood i'm goin' with as i grab my pen and paper.........
and maybe a crayon or two too.

everything's a process....

i have a little slip of paper right here on my desk.
my computer was acting up, not starting right and taking
a bit longer to get goin'.
so i sat here and read the note. it's a clip from a blog i posted recently.
something i didn't want to forget -

'don't focus on the negatives, focus where it will do you good,
relax in that, trust that, and watch the magic show up.'

hmmmmm.....

i read it again.

and again.

and i watched my insides.

they weren't in with the whole idea this morning.

and i watched that.

wow.
i have been working with that kinda stuff all month.
intentions, focusing in positive places - all that.
and it's been doing marvelous things in my life.
really good stuff.....

and yet, this morning i want to just crumble the note, toss it in
someone's face and say 'oh yeah?' and make a raspberry noise.

and yes, i've had enough sleep, exercised this morning and i've been
eating fairly right. so what's the cranky stuff about?

three's this theory that everything is either love or fear.
so it's kinda obvious that's not a reaction of love.

so, okay. it's fear.

and i think of the whole 'turnin' my ship around' post from yesterday.
i can see the progress. i can see all the work and all it's led to.
i look up from the computer into my kitchen......
the room just oozes warmth and love.
i know what my life is filled with.

and yet i want to crinkle this note and toss it somewhere.
and i want to toss it with a good amount of ooomph.

i lean my head on my hand and think about it.

i close my eyes and admit it.
yeah. it's fear.

and i don't have the energy right this minute to not be afraid.
but something i learned this month - i don't need to focus on it.
i look at my desk and all the cool things i gotta do today.

i'm gonna go do those things. get lost in those things.
enjoy those things. feel the good in those things.
and let the fear be for now.
and then later, when i have the energy, i'm going to turn
towards it and have a conversation with it.
cause i'm gettin' a little tired of it.
it's time we talked.

only not just this moment.
this moment it's time i got a little strength up and got a
little more centered.

everything's a process.
even getting to the conversations with fear.
and i'm gonna trust the process.
including the cranky part of it that wants to toss inspirational
notes across the room.

turning the ship around...

touching back in after a whole lot of goofin' off....
with still more to come.
but maybe a couple of days of landing back to earth here.

and i've been thinking about this time off that i've had.
and the tremendous things that have been going on.
it's been tremendous. that's a good word for it.
but you see, it's not all 'perfect.'
it's not all 'happy.'
and i feel a need to say that.
cause when i tell people how great it all is, they assume that means
perfect and happy and sometimes they think that's what my life is.
which totally makes me laugh. and then somehow it makes me sad.
because it takes the depth away from it all.

my life's full of happy. it is. and i rejoice in that, embrace that and will
shout that out with joy. i want that and am so grateful for that.
it's also filled with all kindsa other things.

what it is, i guess, is 'living.'
fully.
it's full of fullness.

i sat and thought about it this morning.
and i thought about it as i did some chores this morning.

this thought ran thru my head - 'you've finally turned the ship around
and it's finally heading in the direction you want.'

and i grinned.
bob's been using the ship turning example with me a bit. and how it takes
a long long time to turn those big ol' ships out in the ocean around.
and how it goes slow and sometimes it feels unnoticeable, but it's turning.

i thought of that with my life.
i thought of that with everything that's happened over the past few days.
cause the holidays aren't just an isolated little dinner celebration of fun.
there's so many thousands of strings that go along with a holiday.
and all of those thousands of strings vibrated for me this holiday in one
way or another.

i thought of how i've been workin' on turnin' this all around for over ten
years now.

and how we (or at least me) think if we make a change, things change.
bam.
and how i don't realize the years and years it really will take for changes
to truly happen. how changes involve so many different deep things inside us.

what i've wanted to change are things so big i had no idea how to change them.
and in making those changes more things added on top of that. so at some
point i'm looking at a heap of beliefs, thought patterns, habits, shames,
humiliations, grief, struggles and doubts that i somehow have to turn around.

and i know more than once i've thrown up my hands, plopped myself down,
cried, and quit.

only to wipe the tears, brush myself off, and try again. all the while mumbling
that i have no idea how to do this.

and somehow - thru the muddle, and the trying, and the forever turning my eyes
back to what it is i want - the ship has turned itself around.

i do belief it has.

that doesn't mean i think i'm in for all smooth waters.
ohmygosh, not by a long shot.
it doesn't mean i won't have the self doubts and the shame.
nope. it doesn't mean all that.

but the difference is the direction i'm moving in.
what i notice about this holiday season for me is the direction i've gone
in thru the whole thing - including the moments that hit hard and hit me
back into the ick - including the moments where i sat covered in the ick -
always always i've looked towards the love.
and the couple times i got confused on which way to look this season,
there was someone i loved deeply right next to me being my compass.
and always, always, i've headed towards the love.

the changing your life doesn't happen with a divorce, a death, a trauma,
or any one event.

it's all the steps you take over and over and over again. all the falling that
you do over and over into the mud. the changes happen as you wipe
yourself off even tho you have no idea what you're doing and where you're
going. the changes happen with each person you add to your life who
affirms you and sees who you are. they happen every time you face your
fears, every time you cry from your depths, every time you cover your
head with your blanket - and then slowly take the blanket off. every time
you choose love over anger. every time you stretch farther than you ever
thought you could, every time you reach for something beyond you....
every bit of that and more bring the changes. so slowly, you won't even
notice. so agonizingly slowly that you don't think it's happening.

until one day, you notice.
the direction is different.
the love is there.
the real stuff is all around you.
and you have indeed turned your ship around.

and so...

and so it is christmas.......
i'll be off goofiin' with my family.

this year is the first year in a whole lotta years that i'll be
with my sons on christmas day.

i've spent a lotta christmas days alone, and i know the feeling of
being sad and lonely on that day.

if there's anyone who's reading this who's on their own,
and feeling sad and lonely, the guys and i are offering a 'chat'
to hang out a bit and just let you know you're not alone.

if you're interested, we're doing it on facebook.

i'm trying to make it 'private' so i'm actually making a list of people
who are interested and want to join in. then i'm adding them to
the chat.

it's just a typing thing. not a voice thing.
so we'll be typing back and forth and goofin' around a bit.

if you're interested and already a friend of mine over there, just
holler and tell me and i'll add you to the list. if we're not friends
yet, come on by, friend me and tell me you want in.....and we'll add you.

it's at 1:00 eastern time.
come on by and say hello.
and know that you're not alone.

it can be a hard day for sure.
but it can also be a day of remembering the magic and that connections
happen in the strangest ways!

merry christmas.........

look at that one!

between the three of us, we're not so good on directions.

but zakk had his gizmo that would get us there - only it

might need recharging - we weren't sure how long it'd hold out.

'just give me the exit and a street or two in case it goes out,'

i told him, in my most practical voice.

he turned around from the front seat. 

it was dark. 

all i saw was an eye.

'you really want me to?' he asked, the eye daring me to live

on the wild side.

what the heck, i thought. this could end up really funny.

we actually did find the place so smoothly it was totally unlike us.

and we knew we were close when we got stuck in a line of cars.

'this must be it!" i squealed.

the guys kept sayin', no, couldn't be.

had to be something else.

'how could it be something else??' i demanded from the back seat.

'EVERYONE wants to go see lights tonite!'

we looked around at the cars surrounding us.....

hmmmmm..........well, maybe those people.........but not those people.....

hmmmmm.......

and sure enough......EVERYONE wanted to go see lights.

(well, 'cept for those people over there)

it was packed.

the people giving tickets and taking canned food had the

spirit of christmas in their voices. 

we had just gotten our ticket and i was already thrilled!

just to have the air puff outta those people's mouths as

they smiled and said 'merry christmas' was enough to put

me in the mood!

you drove thru. you don't stop or get out of your car.

you're sposed to keep your headlights on, but we didn't

know that til we got home and looked at the brochure.

noah turned them off, thinking it was courteous. but when

he almost missed the road at one point and almost took

out that cone with it, the headlights made a little sense.

the lights were cheesy. oh so cheesy. and i loved loved loved them.

we were goin' maybe two miles an hour and i kept hollerin'

'slow down, noah! slow down!'

'look at that one!!!'

'ohmygosh! look! she's throwing a snowball at him!' 

and at the same time zakk and i watch it and say with

the same tone -'SPLAT.'

i laugh, clap with delight and head to the next one with

my eyes. 'wait! what's that one??'

over and over again.

i loved every moment of it.

i carried on in the car the whole time.

zakk and noah put up with it and laughed with me.

the place was packed.

car after car after car.

the guys had no idea what exactly this whole thing was when i suggested it.

and they were kinda taken by surprise.

and the fact that it was pretty cheesy but still all the people were

coming.....

yeah.

everyone's coming to see these.

cause there's something about lights.

there's something about lights in the darkness.

there's something about a gingerbread cookie that's hopping up

and down on a trampoline...

there's something about joy.

and there's something about sharing it with people you love

who are all crammed in a car together......

i loved every minute of it........

bringing me back....

so okay, it's not all about my inner seven year old (see post below)
or......the thought strikes me just this moment as i type, 'maybe it is.'

i ended up facing a big ol' tough demon iniside myself last nite.
i was thinking just now as i type - maybe everything comes from my past...
the good and the bad.......
but nah, not everything.
just a whole lot.

so i'll rephrase that  - 'a whole lot is about my inner seven year old,
and my inner 13 year old, and yes, even and very much so, my
inner 40 year old.'

quite possibly my deepest and biggest button got hit recently.
it's a process that i don't recognize right away, and also, maybe
it's a process that isn't really all that 'clean' where you can just
see it 'bam' right there.

whatever, the deal......i did manage to see it after a bit.

and i gotta say, the clarity in which i started to see it was exciting
even tho the feeling was lousy.

i wanted to be in a certain place in my heart.
and not only was i not there....
i didn't feel like i was even inside myself.
i felt like i had 'left' -
and i was watching myself want to be somewhere, knowing i wasn't,
figuring out why i wasn't, but with no way to get back.

i literally felt 'beside myself' -
counseling friends have told me that when we get hit hard, we can do
a slight form of 'dissociating' where we actually kinda 'leave' and we
actually do stand beside ourselves in a certain sense.

that happens to me.
i can feel that happen sometimes.

and, yeah, i think i was there, and i was watching.

and i could figure the whole thing out -
and i could feel the demon right there.
'this is my demon.' i thought.
'this is it.'
'you can't leave it here running the show'
'you gotta get past it.'

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
i KNEW

but how???

another thing about this bein' 50 stuff......maybe i'm gettin' more
patient with myself....
i didn't rip my hair out, pound on the table, and insist that i get it
together RIGHT NOW.
i leaned back and wondered how on earth i'd come back.

and there - between my not pushing -
and my partner's not pushing -
together, we made this 'space'
and when i looked at his amazing face, i just felt the space.

and there was room to gently start coming back.

he held me as i told him what was goin' on.
he just held me and reassured me.

and i found my way back.

i don't know how to conquer this demon.
i don't have a plan.
but i do see something -
it's gonna happen by my love for another.
by my believing in another's love for me.
and it's not gonna be easy.
but i'm pretty sure that's where the healing will be found.

which brings me right back to my thoughts about love -
and how i have no idea what this love stuff really is
and what it really can do for me -

and it brings me right back to my partner.
and how i've got a partner strong enough to be there while i learn.

and it brings me right back to the season of darkness and light.
and how it's a forever dance inside and around us of the two......

and it brings me back to the idea that maybe that demon of mine isn't one
to conquer - maybe it's one to dance with......

and it all brings me right back to gratitude......

the eve of christmas eve.........

uh oh.
i think everyone in my house is in trouble.

my eyes popped open this morning and the voice of
seven year old terri squealed "IT'S THE EVE OF CHRISTMAS EVE!'
and i hopped right outta bed, turned on the rockin' xmas music
and danced down the hall in my jammies.

as far as i knew, noah was brushin' his teeth, zakk was awake in his room.
as far as i knew, both could hear me just fine as i danced and sang
outside the two closed doors.

i think both those guys may know what's coming.
as neither opened their door.

not to be discouraged, i danced back to my room, danced with
my pillows as i made my bed and found anything red i could wear
in my closet.

IT'S THE EVE OF CHRISTMAS EVE!

and while the bumps have still been all thru the season
this has been the best season i've ever had in my whole life.

and at 50 i've finally figured out it's not about christmas eve
or christmas day.......they don't matter at all.

thing is...i think my inner 7 year old doesn't know that....
and i think maybe she'll be bouncin' around just a bit today!~

keep those doors closed boys, cause she's loose and she's
gonna grab you and make you dance and bake and celebrate today!
IT'S THE EVE OF CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!!!

perspectives and sunrises...

it was dark and rainy.
driving home i thought of how the intentions and focusing don't make
everything all rosy.

nah, they don't.
things still happen that sting and feel bad.
i still wrestle with disappointment.

but it gives me something to actively do with all that.

the disappointment that things don't go just like i want -
take that part -
what about the 'twisty turns' i added to my christmas list?
what about how things twist and turn and go ways i can't
even think of? what about it's a ride that works better when
i don't hang on too tight and i let it take me instead of trying
to force the other way around?

so i drove and felt a little better.
i thought okay, focus where it matters, keep it all in perspective.

it gives me something to do and to head for.

and then i rounded the corner to my neighborhood.
up at the top of the street where i'd turn were a buncha flashing
lights and cars backed up.

my stomach got sick.
i had tried to call noah a few minutes back down the road
and he didn't answer.
i detoured into another neighborhood to turn around, grabbed
my cell and called zakk.

he answered.
they were fine.

i hung up the phone, took a deep breath and detoured into
the back way into my neighborhood wondering who wasn't
fine at the top of my street, and feeling the whole perspective
thing sink right in to a deeper level.

i'm a little worn out this morning.
but i know places to go to rejuvenate, starting with the sunrise.
just from my front stoop....that's enough for this morning.

it's choices, ter.
i'm gonna start with the sunrise and go from there.

intentions

shhhhhhh....don't tell.....
i ran outside to meet the guys this morning.
i couldn't stand it.
just couldn't stand it.

it felt SO good to be back out there.

i needed it.
i don't think i can stay away, but i'll figure that out later.
one day at a time.

this morning, i just didn't want to stop myself.
and it was the perfect way to start my day.

i was aware of what i was doing, chose it with relish
and said that's what i want to do today.....choose with relish.

i've been workin' on this intention stuff all month.
and i gotta say i'm totally surprised at how well it's working.

it's cool cause it's not some kinda 'rosy fix' for life. it doesn't
make everything all better. there's been some lousy stuff mixed
in and that doesn't go away.

i'm just conscious of what i'm doing with my thoughts.
for me, it's been working well.
and yesterday something happened and the whole day got
taken to a new level for me. and i'm pretty sure it's because
of the working on the awareness stuff.

so, talk about egging me on.
i'm gonna keep on workin' on this!

last nite i sat down and wrote about my day. and i called
it 'my day.'

josh walked in and said hello and asked me how my day was.
i lit right up. 'you wanna hear???' i giggled with happiness and
he pointed out that my feet were wiggling with delight!
i grabbed this and read it to him -

my day


whispering her intention to the sky
and placing it in her heart,
she stepped towards it.
soon she found it had surrounded her.
watching it from the inside out,
she became part of it.
understanding this was the sacred, 
she wanted to be part of it forever.
knowing that she was already,
she prayed she'd remember and
that'd she'd dance with it often. 

i wonder how much of this i will really be aware of?
how much of this will i really dance with?
how much of this will i embrace?

intentions. intentions. intentions.
i have many today!

putting the stuff down....

fatigue had set in last nite, and my mind was goin' to places i didn't want
it to go to.

i'm catchin' on a little bit, realized that being really tired was gonna
do that, and so i went to bed early. got a good nite's sleep...
but still woke up a bit funky.

i printed out a long email that i knew was gonna be gold, got on
my bike, and warmed up while reading the note.

sure enough, it was gold. it made me cry, made me think, and
moved my spirit.

i put the note in my bike basket and looked out the window.
'i'm not sure i can not be out there' i thought, looking at that morning.
i'm totally missing my walks.
'i'm just not sure i can do this.'

i got off the bike and opened my window.
the bottom half where the screen was.
i got back on.
realized i should open the top half of the window with no screen.
then i could at least feel like i was a little bit outside.
getting back off again, i redid the window.

ohhhhh yeah.
much better.

hoppin' back on the bike, i focused my eyes on that sky.

all the things that were making me feel funky whirled around me.
i pedaled and named them as i pedaled.
cancer, bad marriages, dysfunction, narcissism, miscommunications,
rape, losing people, cruelty, fear, death, violence...all this stuff that had been
whirlin' around my world.

all this STUFF.
all this stuff stuff stuff stuff.

i pedaled and pedaled and thought about how this stuff was all over
the place.

i wanted to pedal into that sky. i just wanted to BE IN the sky.

and i thought about my own sky inside of me.
how that's where i needed to focus today.
all this other stuff would always be out there. always.

i wasn't sure i was ever gonna feel like getting off that bike.

but i did.
and i went up to my window and stood on my tip toes
so i could get a good look out the open top part.
and i leaned there, looking up at the trees and the sky
and i whispered, kinda with desperation - 'please god,
let me focus on the things i need to focus on today.'
and as soon as i whispered that, i leaned back a bit and
could feel this sense of peace. it just came over me.
and then.....
and right then......
i noticed something funky with the branches in the trees.

i can't describe it, cause it wasn't really there.
it was a trick of my eyes...
it's something i saw once i relaxed and just looked.
it was this really cool look the branches had.
something really artsy and zebra like. yeah zebra-like.
and yeah, it doesn't matter.

but it caught my attention and i started focusing on those
branches. what's that? i've never seen them look like that before.
look at that!

and then i got it - just landed right there inside my brain -
don't focus on the negatives, intentionally focus where it
will do you good, relax in that, trust that, and watch the magic show up.

i closed the window, changed my clothes, and thought about that.
'sounds real nice ter, but that's a pretty big challenge because of all the
little things pinging at your attention today - all the little things that will
eat your day away....and your heart.'

'then i take the challenge' i thought back.
and i'll keep looking at the sky inside me today.
and maybe i'll keep those zebra-like branches in mind today as well.

there's magic everywhere.
and there's stuff everywhere.

today i want the magic.
today i choose the magic.
today, over and over again, i will need to put the stuff down.

twisty turns

bam! she's flat on her back in awe.

i finally went to sleep. (see post below)

and then i had a really gory icky nightmare.

my experience with those has been that they're worth looking at even
tho i want to squeeze my eyes shut and pretend they never happened.

and so i made my bed and thought about it.
and sure enough.....i gasped when i figured out parts of it.
just gasped.

and i saw how much there was going on inside of me about certain things
in my life. and before i could even wrap my head around it all,
i found myself writing about it to a stranger. to someone who had
ordered a bone sigh for the first time...and because of a snag with her
order, we ended up writing each other a few notes.

what was in my dream related to something she told me.

and the tears came to my eyes.

because i saw all this hard stuff inside of me isn't bad.
it's not bad.
it's the stuff that helps me understand the pain of others.

it's the stuff that urges me to share my feelings about not letting
the dark win.....it's the stuff that drives my wanting to offer light.

it was amazing......when i got up this morning, i reminded myself i wanted
festive this season, and that i had a choice to turn to festive. and i was good
with that and ready to do that, even tho i was feelin' a bit shakey.
and then this whole dream interpretation and sharing with someone i didn't know
took place......

i hadn't even been up half an hour, and i realized festive was gonna be easy
today. because within half an hour the connections we all have, the amazing
twists and spins of the universe, and the callings of my heart were blazing all
around me and reminding me that life was truly incredibly stunning. even with
the icky stuff scattered all around.

it's gonna be one heck of a day.
because i remember the glory of it is mine for the taking........

so i think i want to add to my list -
what's turning out to be my own version of the 12 days of christmas -

there's festivity, laughter, magic, appreciation of others, grief, and today's -
twisty turns.

the twisty turns of life......you never ever know where they'll bring you.

curling back in....

'you gonna sleep okay?' he asked.
'oh yeah. not a problem.' i answered.

hours later of tossing and turning and i think 'my gosh, that guy
knows me....'
i wish he were here right now.

processing everything there was to process, i lay awake.
feeling a mixture of things that just aren't any fun to feel, i think thru
it all.

i finally get up for a snack and open my laptop.

and there, in my email, is the most incredible note from josh.

besides a note filled with such love and support, there was a thought
i hadn't ever had before. a way of looking at some of the stuff i'm
dealing with....an understanding of another reason for my struggle...
an acknowledgement of the loneliness that i can feel.

how can it be that a simple acknowledgement, a SEEING of
what i'm experiencing, and a reaching out in love can take such a ball
of mixed up, tangled up mess and just take the edge right on off?

whatever the self doubt, sadness, frustration, and sorrow were doing to
me tonite, it just softened. the love that immediately surrounds me is
nothing to be ignored. josh mentioned 'mirrors' in his note. about seeing
the glow reflected back to me. and my gosh, he just shot back such a glow
it lit up my whole heart.

and as i sat here typing this at three in the morning, noah walked in.
saw me typing this from down the hall and came to check on me.
offering to hang out, watch a movie and just be with me he said 'you've done
it for me plenty of times.'

i shooed him back to bed, but the tears are now streaming down my face.
such mirrors of love in the people closest to my heart.

as i curl back under the covers - including this new totally soft warm blanket that
bob just gave me - i'm gonna feel that love from these guys and i'm gonna put
the tangled mess of a ball up.

what matters is all around me.
and my sons just reminded me......

and the list grows.....

ahhh mixed in the season where i've started my own 12 day list....
so far filled with festivity, laughter, magic, and appreciation of others,
i've got today.....the anniversary of my dad's death....

five years now.

yesterday josh did his monthly radio show that he does down in richmond.
i only caught a tiny bit of it. but amazingly enough (would it be magic??)
i heard the part where he dedicated a song to his grandfather, my dad.

i had no idea he was going to do that.
and bam....there he was.

he played silent nite, which was my dad's favorite christmas carol.
and the version he played is my all time favorite version of the song.
so throw in that this version moves me anyway......and then it made me
think of my dad......and they played it at my dad's funeral...so it brought
some of that back too.......well......the tears sprung right up.

and the grief of all the sad ending of my relationship with him,
and of many other things mixed in with his passing washed over me.

i was with bob when i heard this.

interestingly enough, when he first walked in that day, he handed
me all his 'paperwork' - stuff for the end of life. stuff to file away and not
look at again for hopefully a long long time. but papers you need to do.
i threw them face down on my desk. i didn't want to see them. and i
hugged him tight. and i thought about how i don't want to lose this man.

and i know.
i know we all leave.

so as i hugged him i thought about our day together and how i wanted
to be so present for it all. really really be there and know what a gift
it was.

hearing the dedication to my dad, knowing josh missed him too, remembering
all that stuff that goes along with the memories.....i coulda cried for a week.

instead i remembered my day with bob, living in the present, the gift of the day,
and i held him close.

in the quiet moments on my own since then, the sadness slips in and out. and i know
that's the way it goes.

and i thought of the season.....and of all things to add to that list of mine.....i want to
add grief.

yeah.
grief.

cause that's really really what this whole season is to me in the first place......the light
in the darkness.....well, you can't have light without dark.
you can't have magic and festivity and laughter.....you can't REALLY have it without
the flip side.

because when you carry grief, you understand the value of the laughing and the magic.

today i will be partaking in several different celebrations.....all the while holding my dad
in my heart. some of that holding is good stuff, some of it is sad stuff......but i'm holding
that man close all day and i'm laughing and hugging and loving those i'm with.

and i'll be thinking of that list of mine.......

festivity, laughter, magic, appreciation of others and grief.......

wow.
what a season.....
what a life........

so GOOD!

okay, it had felt like a year since i'd seen him, and he IS the man i'm in love with.
but none of that's the point here.

i said out loud a couple times, and thought silently a few more -
'it is so GOOD to see you.'

and when i said it, i truly truly was filled with that feeling.

i've been thinking of that feeling and the times i've felt that with different
people.

when my sons came home from being out of town for a week, i just sat
at the table and looked at them. and kept thinking how good it was to see
them.

when i'm havin' that rough moment, and i meet my girlfriend for coffee -
i know i've done the big hugs at the end and whispered how good it was
to see her.

that rare and unusual relative that i deeply love comes thru. same deal.

i've actually noticed the feeling when i'm blurting it out to whoever i'm
directing it at. i notice it and know it's gold.

(i'm not sure why i notice these things....but i'm so glad i do)

here's what i was thinking this morning tho...
why don't i zoom in on that a bit more??

i spose it's just another round about way to approach gratitude and
appreciation of the moment. and well, i'm all for any and all of those
approaches i can get. and this seems like one i want to play with.

what if i keep reminding myself thru the rest of the holiday season
(and i gotta say, i'm loving this holiday season cause of all these
things i'm concentrating on!!)...what if i deliberately was aware
of how good it was to see everyone? not just people who i haven't
seen in awhile or people who are there to help me out....but everyone.

and yeah.....i'm wondering.........everyone????
really gus?
everyone?

and truth is, i don't know.
cause i don't know if i really can do that........
but maybe.

i know there's a lot i can do tho.
and i'm gonna start there.
and see where it goes.

so let me see........it's the holiday of festive, laughter, magic
AND reveling in the seeing of people!

my gosh....i think i'm on a start of my own version of
the 12 days of christmas here!

so there you darn voices.

i am constantly amazed at the power of friendship.......
which is kinda interesting as that seemed to be causing my problems
in the first place.

i was wrapping an order and thinking.

i was thinking of some friends that i've lost.
they're still living...just not in my life anymore.

and i got filled with this whole huge self doubt stuff.
and that voiced appeared.
you know the one......

and it said all snide-like 'yeah, right. you want to be love.
you can't even keep a friend. why do you think that is?
think it's cause you're so loving??'

whew.
that was a rough thing to say.
woe.

so the self doubt poured in along with the voices.
i wrapped the order and heard them.

and then i stopped and told myself.....'i do want to be love.
so the loving thing to do isn't to figure out who's fault what was...
the loving thing to do is to hold these people close and truly send
them love in my heart. for real. THAT would be living love.'

and i could feel the rightness of that thought.
i could just feel it.

but still i felt sad.

and as i came over to the puter to type up the shipping label,
there was a forward from a friend on 'self love.'

talk about timing.
i read it, wrote her back, told her the timing was perfect that i was
havin' some big self doubt moments.

she didn't miss a beat and told me that anything funky i was feeling
right now was understandable.

and that's when my eyes got big.

i had told her....sunday's the anniversary of my dad's death.
and yeah, that's still hard.
but i hadn't thought of it this morning.
haven't been thinking of it or dwelling on it.
but yeah, i know it's come out here and there.
even with my losing my walks, i could feel it come out thru that
in some crazy way.

and i so appreciated her seeing that and acknowledging it.
and saying 'it's normal you're having a rough moment.'

friends. what would we do without them?

and the ones i've lost?
i miss them. i really really do.
i also know that there are times we all just have to keep going and move
on....but that doesn't mean i don't still treasure what they've brought to my life.

and i'm gonna do that deliberately today.
hold them close.
cause i really do want to be love.
even tho i mess up a lot as i go along.........
we just keep going.
and that's the loving thing to do for ourselves as well.

adding magic to the list

i saw this article yesterday...i'll post it at the end here......
about strangers helping to pay people's lay-aways at kmart.
they were goin' for the lay-aways for toys for the kids for christmas.

it's a great article. i just kept reading and nodding and crying.

this morning as i sat outside sayin' goodmorning to the world,
i thought about it.
and i thought about my christmases that i've been on my own with the guys.

every single year i wondered how i'd manage it.
and miraculously, every year i pulled it off.
and i remember when i'd figure out i could swing it,
the tears would come and i'd think 'i can give them christmas.'
and this whole wave of emotion would just flood over me.

so this article totally got to me.

i sat and remembered those years.

i got so grateful for how we made it thru, that the tears just sprung
right up. we really made it thru on our own. and quite honestly,
it makes no sense at all that we did. it makes no sense. i knew it
then, and i know it now.

this year's prolly one of the tightest ever money wise. but they're
grown up now. they're okay with that. they really are. and i'm getting
more and more okay with it. and it helped to remember where we've
been. it helped to remember that it made no sense how we pulled it off.
it helped to remember that it was filled with magic and miracles and
i would just laugh and nod when they showed up. of course! the miracle's here!

of course! the miracle's here!

that's a pretty darn awesome way to look at stuff.

and i lost that somewhere along the line.
which is amazing as i experienced it over and over again.

well, all this christmas music with the miracles runnin' thru all of them,
and little stories like this one i found yesterday, and remembering all that
i've lived thru......i'm thinking i'm back in the mood to pick that stuff up again.

it's kinda interesting to me as i've been workin' on 'festive' and 'laughter'
and i think those things actually open the doors to the magic....
or at least if sure feels like it......

so now the list for me is festive, laughter AND magic!
tis the season!

you can read the article here...

a few tweaks and i'll have it!

the guys have decided to run in the mornings.
they came up with it to be out there with me.
which, yes, is really really really sweet.
i haven't joined them as i don't want them to do this for me.
they really never have been big into going out early.
and they don't need one more thing to do for me.
i figure i might join them if they keep it up long term.
and i'm thinking the chances aren't too big with january coming.
so this morning was my first morning to try my own new thing.

i watched them from the living room window.
they stood at the end of the driveway getting all set.
they're young....they can't do this without electronics.
they were taking so long, i finally jogged out there in my shorts
and tee shirt (i was getting read to get on my indoor bike)...
i teased them and jogged around at the bottom of the driveway
telling them 'it's easy, you just move forward.'

as i jogged back in the house, this gorgeous breeze hit me.
oh man.
talk about tugging at my heart.
seriously, i thought i might burst into tears all over again.

'stop it, terri. it's not like you can't go outside. jeesh.'

i went in and blasted the music and got on my bike.

i thought of something someone had wrote me earlier and
how it made me realize how much i do have. how i had to really
see what i had.

so i biked along, looking at the sky out the window.
i thought of how i could see it. how i had the eyes to see it.
and i bugged them out wide and played with my eyes and the sky
as i biked along. grinning cause i also had the gift of play.

then i felt my legs pedaling and how they had the
strength to do that....and i just kept goin' into the gratitude thing.

i have sooooooo much.
even the bike......it's such a treasure.
bob got it for me, and it's just the most awesome bike ever.
he even got me tassels for the handlebars!

i squeezed the bike handles tight and thought about how great the
bike was....

so many good things, so much love.

i found myself leaning way into the wall so i could see the pink
and purple down the way a bit in the sky.

and i figured out that if i biked a little bit earlier, then i could
go sit on the porch, cool off, and watch the morning wake up!

now we're talking!

i finished up and decided the porch idea was a good one. i grabbed
a jacket and plopped down on my little front stoop.

woe. great view of the sky, i thought.
then i slapped my head and laughed.
that's because they cut down my oak tree, i thought.
i just shook my head.

i so didn't want them to cut that tree.
it made me cry when they did.

but there was the sky.
big as day (i had to say that!!!)
and it was a treat to sit there and just be with it.

and that's when it hit me......
the theme i've been mullin' around with for a few months now......
the idea that life is hard.
it just is.
and life is good.
it just is.
and it's one heck of a mixture.
and if i stop fighting the hard and just know it's part of the deal,
i'll just be more comfortable with life.
and i'll be able to live more.

it hit me right there on my stoop.

i've been watching this, believing it, and holding it.
well...here it is.
right in my face. my time to put it into practice.

i smiled up at the sky.
okay.
i'm in.

then i grabbed my jacket and headed back to my day.

settin' the bucket over there.....

okay.
i did say festive, did i not?

i took my bucket of tears and put them over there.
altho....i still leak here and there.

like when i get a beautiful note from a friend and she
says 'i'm sorry you couldn't take your walk this morning.'

i leaked.

but! mostly, i took the bucket full of tears, and put it over there.
perhaps i'll find something to water with them.

i decided i needed to aim for the laughter.
and i know how to get my energy up.
it's a basic thing i can do -

run around like a nut.

so i did.

i literally ran around my house from room to room trying to
wrap some xmas surprises before the guys came down and found me.
the faster i moved, the clumsier i got - and i was pretty clumsy to start with -
and the funnier it got.

it's another piece of glory from the pea brain thing.
i can amuse myself.

even when i broke an ornament trying to get the gift near the tree,
i laughed. ..... well i never liked that ornament all that much anyway....

the guys came down when i had finished.
whew!

and i was laughing again with them.
felt good.

i did say i wanted festive this season.....
so by golly, i'm gonna keep on headin' there.....

surprised by the amount of tears!

interestingly enough, i can't seem to stop crying about my walks.

i'm actually surprising myself.

yeah, i thought i'd cry a little bit, but every time i think about it,
i cry.  i just told bob about it for the first time minutes ago,
he was unavailable yesterday and i thought that would be good
as it would give me a chance to get a grip and be a big girl about it.
and sure enough - i just couldn't even get the first word out without crying.

wow.
so much for being a big girl.

c'mon ter, it's just morning walks.

you can walk. you're healthy. you have a love of the sky.
all that is what matters.

i guess there's more tho. along with just feeling bad about the
stuff goin' on in the neighborhood. that's hard to see too.

so there's a lot entangled for me.
and yeah, it makes me sad.

but adapting is the key.

i remember just a little bit ago i heard the phrase 'adapt or die.'
i prolly blogged about it. it tickled me and i sooooo related.

it's one heck of a phrase, isn't it?
or how about the one i just hung up on my fridge -
'let go or be dragged.'

okay.
okay.

okay.

i'm gonna have to get a new routine down.
and i think it may affect the blog posting. i may change that now.
we'll see what happens.


i'm reminded of another time i felt sad like this......
when they took my trees.....

i wrote this -


they plowed down her trees and she wept.
they forgot to take the sky tho.
the clouds became her refuge.


they can't take my sky. i've still got that.

the nature of the game....

one of the questions on those question cards we played with the other day
was 'where do you go to relax?'

my answer was my walks. 'they're my favorite part of the day.'
i mentioned it to the guys yesterday about how much i loved them.

truly, they are what keep me sane, they are my gold piece of the day.

this morning i shooed bob off the phone as i didn't want to miss the sunrise.

i ran outta the house. i was in time. and i was thrilled.

as i walked on some grass near the busy road, i backed up when i
realized i had passed a hole in the ground.

i backed up and filled it up so that i wouldn't trip in another time when
i was walking.

well, i don't think i'm gonna worry about it for awhile now.
some stuff happened on my walk - nothing 'serious' that anyone has
to worry...but enough for me to decide that i'm gonna stop taking the
walks for awhile. because of safety.

the tears came to my eyes this morning as i headed home knowing
that i really shouldn't be doin' these. that it's just not the smartest/safest
thing to do right now. our neighborhood's been havin' a lotta problems.
it's not the time to be out alone.

i walked in.
noah was in the kitchen.
i couldn't face him just yet.
i didn't want to burst into tears.
i went into my room and made the bed i had left undone in my hurry
to get outside. tried to get a grip.

and then i sat and told noah what had happened and how i'm gonna stop
and i just couldn't hold back the tears.

he was great.
offered to go with me, or to walk behind me so i had space to think.
a good good guy.

and i'm sure we'll grab some mornings together.
but i know early freezing mornings aren't everyone's form of delight.

i think it's time to try a new thing.
i've been wanting to sit with the sunsets.
maybe it's time to do that in my own yard.
get to know the sunsets a bit.

i can do that.
i will do that.
and i know i'll love it.

right now, i'm just so sad tho.
it's my favorite part of the day.
and i feel like it got taken away.
totally taken.
i keep giving bits away, but now i gotta give
the whole darn thing.....

well, i guess the evenings will become my favorite.
i guess that's an okay thing.
actually, kinda an interesting thing.
i stood at my studio doors last nite and watched the sunset.
it's been calling me lately.
it really has.
and i haven't been answering.

changes happen.
and sometimes i gotta be kicked into change.
and there has been a calling......

i'm gonna give myself a break and allow myself some crying over this.
cause it does feel lousy.
and then i'm gonna figure out how to make it work good...
and i'm going to stay open to the magic it will bring.

darn.
wouldn't you think one thing in life could just stay constant???

guess not, ter.
get over it.
it's the nature of the game......

one more step...

and so i explained to them that we'd see the sunrise at the corner.
that it was so cool, we'd see the sun looking like it was coming down
the road.

so we went up to the corner.
the street can get pretty busy.
it has breaks when there's no cars, then spurts of cars goin' fairly fast.

'you just find a safe place, and you watch.' i told them.

there were no cars at that point, so zakk went into the middle
of the road to look. i got in the grass where i usually get and
turned toward the sunrise. noah stood with me.

it happened to be a morning where it was pretty mellow and
subtle...but still cool. it wasn't as pizzazzy as i had hoped to show them.
but still, they got the idea.

there were no cars coming, so we started running for the next
corner. if we ran, we could get pretty far without worrying
about traffic, then turn the corner back into the neighborhood.
we didn't make it all the way. then we had to get out of the way of the cars.

zakk commented on it being like one of those computer games.
like a frog tryin' not to get hit by traffic.

noah looked at me and said 'we need to get you a house with
an eastern view so you don't have to do this.'

i grinned.

cause i like goin' to the corner to see the sun comin' down the street.
i've gotten to makin' it a game with the cars to get to the next corner.

and i thought about it.
probably one of the things i like the most about myself is i can make
stuff good. i can find the good in things.

hmmmmmm.....
and so i thought about how i've been doin' with my finances lately.
haven't been thrilled with them. been wishing that part of my life was
all different.

hello, terri.

it's like finding a spot on the corner to watch the sun come down the
street.....look at it in the right way, and it's a whole different story.

i LIKE that i can do that.
i actually think i've got quite a talent for that.

so. um.
how about it, ter???

and she takes one more step in the direction she wanted to head....

laughter. it's not just for breakfast anymore.....

so okay,  i've got vague mixed up slogans in my head this morning....

is it 'eggs, they're not just for breakfast anymore'????

i'm not sure if i've made that up or not. but it popped into my head this
morning after an early morning of laughter.

zakk and i bond by horse-playing with each other. we're forever
goofin' that way. and this morning found us right at it in the dark
early hours.

he didn't want me to go out and walk in the dark.
i was worried i was gonna miss sunrise.
i tried to sneak out without him knowing.
he caught me.
and so the horse-play began.

there was tossing of shoes around the room,
and the typical squirmishes and hollering. mixed in with much
laughter.

in the end, i was joined on my walk by both noah and zakk
and we walked and talked and laughed.

and i felt so good after all that, i was amazed at the power
of laughter.

when i walked into the house, i could hear the slogan running thru
my brain 'laughter, it's not just for breakfast anymore.'

and i grinned.

i know the whole 'laughter is the best medicine' deal....
but again, it's one of those things i hear so often, i don't
really take in.

i know laughter's good for me, and i know i like to laugh....
but do i really get that it can affect my whole life??
truly, truly make me healthier?

i think i really saw that this morning.

i've mentioned here before that this holiday season i'm keepin'
an eye on the 'festive' and one of my goals is to keep the festive
goin' and really enjoy that part of the season. to CREATE the
festive.

well i want to create the laughter.

yesterday, bob and i horse-played too. i found myself collapsed
on top of him laughing so hard i was crying. i could feel his body
goin' up and down in heaves of laughter too. which only fed my
laughing more.

looking back at that this morning, i wonder if it's just a coincidence
that i felt closer than ever to him yesterday. or did that laughter
help with all of that?

it had to.

laughter changes everything.
why isn't it something we actively pursue?
hmmmm.....

laughter. it's not just for breakfast anymore.
when's the last time you belly laughed?
when's the last time you belly laughed with someone you love?

okay, so it's a commercial....

i had gotten one of those boxed set of cards with questions on it for couples.
gotten it for a young man and his girlfriend for christmas.

i wasn't sure about it as i had never gotten one before and i wasn't sure
what the questions would be like. i read reviews and tried to get the box
that i'd be okay giving this young couple. i actually got two sets.

and then they broke up.

they were wrapped and under my tree.
i had decided i'd give the smaller one to bob for xmas, so that was
set aside, but the other one was waiting for this couple.
i knew i could put it away for another couple....after all, just in
my immediate family alone, there were 5 young men that were going
to be in relationships.....

but i wanted to know what the questions were! was it really a good
box of questions, and was it really something i'd want to give?

so i gave it to bob and i. we'll end up having two sets before the holiday
is over!
but i was excited, we could give them a test run!

and in  just one evening with those silly things, i learned stuff about both
him and me AND our relationship. i really did! and it totally tickled me.

and no, this isn't the box of cards i'd choose to give as a gift, or i'd
give the title here and recommend it. altho, i gotta say it really did
do some good last nite.

i just think we can find better.

but! here's the thing....i've always been into this kinda stuff.

i had the 'ungame' before anyone even heard of the ungame.
(never heard of the ungame??? laughin here...it was a board game
for families with a deck of really cool questions to ask each other...
we would just sit with the deck, forget the board part of it all. i think
now, they actually just sell the pack of cards, and they too ditched
the board part of the game!)

i've bought the books with questions in them to sit around the living
room and hang out with friends and talk about.

i have always been into questions to start conversations.

and i have never gotten anything like this for my partner and myself.
after sitting with these cards last nite, i can't believe that.
we're nowhere near done. and it may just be a card here and a card there
from now on. but i want to go thru them. you just don't know what you'll find out.
and.....one of my favorite questions was something like - what could you
each do differently to make the times you're discussing problems better?
something like that.........

what a cool question is that?
and wait til you figure out what you can do.

so this blog is actually a commercial.
not for any pack of cards or question book in particular.....if you find
the right one, let me know! (i'm sure they ALL have something good to offer....)
but for selling the idea of getting something like this for the significant other
in your life for the holidays.

that's the first thought i have....for couples.....
but it's a great great thing for families as well!
i've used the ungame cards for families and like them.

wouldn't it be cool to give a gift where you actually get the gift of
learning more about the people you love?

THAT'S a present!

the goat??

i'm a muppet fan.

a huge muppet fan.

i think they're just genius.

for real.

and when i watch, each one will remind me of someone i know or of myself.

it's intriguing to me.

i've always been impressed with shakespeare and how he seemed to 

understand all aspects of the human psyche.

well, that's kinda how i feel about the muppets too.

one of my all time favorite muppet moments comes from the movie

'muppets in space.' there's this big bear (who i just adore) who's the

assistant to the bad guy. and the bad guy tells the bear to 'get the remote.'

and the bear, in the other room, doesn't hear quite right and says

'the goat?! you want me to get the goat?' and then of course, the bad

guy's frustrated and corrects him. and the bear mumbles 'i thought he

said the goat.'

it makes me laugh and laugh and laugh.

even *i* don't know why!!!
except that at that moment i totally relate to that bear!

okay. how could this possibly be one of the favorite movie moments

of a grown woman???

i have no idea. 

except that i have a pea brain.

i really do.

and i don't mean that in a negative way.

i mean that in a good way.

it's a good thing to have.

it takes very little to delight me. and when something hits just right,

it totally tickles me. 

the guys can just say the line 'the goat?' to me anytime anywhere,

and i start laughing.

something as dumb as this hit me last nite.

i had been trading notes back and forth with someone, when

he read the word 'clinical' as 'cynical.' and he commented on it.

i thought he was referring to something else, and kept going.

i didn't realize he had mis-read the word. i didn't think much of it.

i was tired, showered, had gotten into my pj's and was filling orders

when something came up with someone i loved. we decided to meet

up for a talk.

i was REALLY tired....and not thinking straight. and i think that had

something to do with the fun that happened.

i got dressed again, wondered how my wet hair would do out in

the cold, hopped in the car and was driving down the dark road

when all of a sudden out of nowhere my brain goes 'CLINICAL!

NOT CYNICAL!

it was like it shouted out at me!

i almost jumped. 

and i knew right away what that meant.

he had misread the word.

(talk about a delayed reaction!!)

and i laughed out loud, did a 'i coulda had a V8' head slap and kept

going. but i couldn't wait to tell him when i got home. i thought it was so funny.

it had to be the delayed reaction that tickled me.

it just delighted me.

and he laughed with me, and when i got up this morning, he had goofed about it

with me on facebook. and i laughed again.

and i had a thought......for me, it's these really really dumb silly things that make

my life delightful. 

but no...that's not all.......it's the really really dumb silly things and people playing

back with those things and laughing with me.

honest to pete, that is some of the best stuff in life for me. 

and i thought about that.

you can't buy that one and wrap it and put it under the tree.

it's living.

and it's the pea brain moments that i swear can keep me going sometimes.

i used to feel kinda silly that it took so little to delight me.

like maybe i should be smarter or something.

now that thought even makes me laugh.

you gotta be kidding!

i know now what a treasure it is to have a pea brain.

and i decided this morning, i want to nourish it a bit more 

and look for and rejoice in these moments.

and what a perfect season to do just that!

pass the goat please!

it's this one this year!

okay, every christmas i get hooked on a different holiday song.

this year it's this one.

some of these images just totally get me!

if i've got it right (and who knows with my mind) i believe it's
a song personifying christmas dreams.

the 'i want to wrap all my moments around her. i want to watch
as she glitters the nite.'......i LOVE that. i LOVE that!

i just feel like wrapping my moments around her too!

and this part...
'the tear falls upon the snow white hair and it runs to the end til it
lingers there....'

i love these images.......
this is my song this year for christmas.........
it's from the transiberian orchestra....check it out!

finding my morning....

wow, it took me two loops around the block just to unclutter
my darn brain! there was stuff everywhere!

i would need more loops to just feel like i found the morning.

i ended up kinda 'seeing' it all....blocks and boxes of clutter and
strings - oh my goodness - the strings! strings kinda like a spider's web
all across in front of me. blockin' my entrance to my world. my day.

i stepped over the boxes and blocks of stuff, and then started bending
under and around the strings. they aren't mine. i don't need them or
want them. and i certainly don't want to be entangled by them and
stopped from entering my day.

so i pictured slowly lifting some to get under, crawling under another,
bending around that one......until.......ahhhhhh......

just me and my day.

and i'm not kidding - there was a peace that just settled in.
i heard a bird singing.
how long had it been singing? i just now heard it.

i saw the peace of the sky, and felt the knowing of the trees.

i looked up and whispered 'good morning.'
i had found my morning.

thanking margot!

i was honored by margot on her blog today.
wanted to share and thank her so much!

if you're in the mood, click here...

really wanting these.....

there's something really cool goin' on inside of me.

and i'm gonna enjoy it while i've got it.

it's an awareness of my goals.

thru the calm and the not so calm.

that doesn't sound like such a big deal....but i'm thinking it really is. 

most times i'll have a goal, and then totally forget it.

or if i don't totally forget it, when things are happening that seem

to go against that goal, i'll get upset, and then somewhere drop the goal. 

or something happens to those things and i lose sight of them.

i've got two main goals this holiday season.

one is to see the joy and focus on the festive.

the other is to actively work on getting okay with where i am with money.

get REALLY okay. which includes dealing with a whole lotta strings

inside of me about that. ego stuff. big stuff. stuff that i don't figure i'll get

in a week. but stuff i want to be aware of and actively working on.

this trip that got thrown at me, and THEN got moved up a day earlier yesterday,

was the classic thing to have me runnin' around crazed, and not festive.

but i remembered my goal!

ohmygosh.

and i just knew that i didn't want to throw festive out the window because

i was in 'let's get it done' mode......and i didn't. i didn't!!!

that's big news for me.

being aware and truly changing a behavior of mine to keep headin' towards

the goal. (and THEN the trip got postponed! it was so cool to not lose the

festive and then get my time back too!!)

and twice in the last few days, certain moments touched on money stuff in

a hard way for me and brought tears to my eyes. and both times i knew what

my goal was about that stuff and didn't let go of that goal.

i felt lousy both times. not 'okay' at all. BUT i knew i'd be okay and they were

chances for me to see some of the strings involved for me. i knew that,

was aware of it, and knew it was stuff to work with. the lousy feeling still

swept all over me. but it wasn't all consuming. it wasn't WHO i was. it

was just a feeling coming over me.

that too is unusual for me. i usually go into the lousy feeling and somehow

get consumed by it. this time i knew it was a reaction to something i haven't

figured out yet. and i was okay with allowing the lousy without becoming

the lousy.

not sure if that makes sense.

but it was way cool. 

i want both these goals a lot.

i don't feel like i've had a festive holiday season - for real - deep inside of

me for a long long time. i don't think it's REALLY about a festive season.

i think it's about touching my joy and my hope really deeply this season.

and i want them. i almost seem to need that.  even thru the sadness. ya know?

cause i'm finally understanding that there's always profound sadness. and

there's always profound joy. and i want to dance with both in a way that

touches something inside of me this season. 

and the money thing - i've made my choice in my life. and i love my choice.

time i got good with it no matter what. i really mean that. and i see how once

again, i'm learning so much about myself thru that choice. and i wouldn't

trade that for anything. 

i want these goals. 

i want these goals enough that i'm not forgetting them.

and it's way way cool.

pass the coffee, partner....

i was thinking about this partner stuff this morning.

you'd think being married for a million years would teach you
about being a partner. but my gosh, i didn't get the lessons.
they musta been there, but i don't think i was in partner-mode.

ya know what?
it might be one of those slippery words like 'love.'
i thought i knew how to love.
of course i knew how to love.
oh man.
insert raspberry noise.

i didn't know a darn thing.

still know very little.
but know enough to know i didn't know a darn thing back then.
same with the partner stuff.
of course i was a partner.
of course i understood being a partner.
another raspberry noise please.

i tell ya, i'm JUST realizing what an incredible concept 'partner' is.

it's not just someone you're attached to.
it's not just someone you share stuff with.
or all those sweet things you can think of.
it's so much more than that.

how about it being someone who totally pushes your buttons like
no one else can and THEN you go to them to work thru that???

how about the person who when you shut down because of something
they did, you still try to open to them because you still trust them - or if
you don't trust them, you still know you can and you're reacting out of
fear, but you know you can.  THAT'S a partner.

stuff like that.
the hard hard hard stuff that you don't think you can really do.
the stuff that you have to push yourself to do because you care that much.
the stuff that ends up stretching you but you're not doin' it to be stretched,
you're doin' it because it matters to you.

the stuff that matters so much to you that you'll rip yourself open to make
it work - and then you'll find new growth.

the real honest to goodness hard life stuff.

to be honest with you, sweeping things under the rug seems much more
appealing to me. let's just not look at that, and forget that over there.

thing is, both my partner and i have been down that road, have lived
thru what that creates, and have sworn not to do that anymore. and wow,
that's a big choice to make. i had no idea what was going to happen
when i made that choice.

and now i've been with him for years and years and i realized this morning
that i'm learning the meaning of the word 'partner' as much as i'm learning
the meaning of the word 'love.'

my partner has a possible 'help the family out' trip comin' up.
at the worst possible time for me. he's already let me off the hook, telling
me i don't have to go, he's got it.

i looked over at him driving in the dark, looked back at the christmas lights
we were passing, i thought of all the stuff that happens this time of year in
our families.  'it really seems to be part of the season, doesn't it?'
'it does seem like this kinda thing is part of the deal' he answered.

i had to go home and check with the guys, see what was goin' on, and
make it work. it's all up in the air. not even sure if it's happening....but i
gave him the 'i'm in' this morning.

after i hung up, i thought about the partner stuff.
this whole thing makes me tired just thinking of it.
and this is the easy stuff, terri.
this doesn't rip you open and make you grow....
this just keeps you busy and moving fast.

being a partner is work, it's giving, it's growth....and it's an honor.
it's an honor to be this man's partner.

now pass me some coffee and let's get moving.

it'a all about me.....

there's this person that hovers around the edges of my life.
mostly i like him just fine.
as long as it's the edges.
i think nice things about him and generally am grateful he's there.

thing is, he does some things that really seem selfish and thoughtless.
i see these things, and i think things like - he doesn't mean it.
or - he doesn't realize it.
or stuff like that.

and i keep goin', and i'm fine.
until the next thing comes up.
and i do the benefit of the doubt thing, shrug it off, and keep on goin'.

every now and then, when i see something else, i'll think something like
this - 'is he really a selfish pig??'

and because i don't want to believe that, i choose that he's scattered or
whatever.

this morning i had the selfish pig thought.

and it occurred to me it doesn't matter if he's scattered, forgetful,
or a selfish pig. it matters what i do with the thoughts.

it truly is all about me and my thoughts.

if i don't care, do what i gotta do to take care of what matters to me,
leave the rest behind.......then i don't need to mutter selfish pig thoughts
under my breath or come up with excuses. it just doesn't matter.

first of all i can do this because he's on the edges of my life and not right
smack in the middle.....but wouldn't it be cool to do it for anyone no
matter where they are in my life?

i do it so well with this guy...i'm gonna use him as my model for those i don't
do it so well with.....

just handle my end of the stuff, and leave it at that.
what a great concept.

happy birthday josh!

so twenty six years ago today that little blue baby was born.
TWENTY SIX years ago.

man.

so i walked and i thought of him.(my josh)

and i thought about life and about parenting.
i thought about teaching my kids stuff.

and i thought of home schooling........

i knew when we started that i was never gonna be able to
teach them all the stuff they needed to know.
i didn't know all that stuff.
in fact, i knew very little of that stuff.

so i knew i had to teach them how to learn.
teach them how to ask questions, listen, find answers.
and i learned right next to them.

and i thought about how life is really just like home schooling.
and i grinned.
we always said the philosophy of home schooling was using life as a classroom.

well, i don't think i realized just exactly how far that goes.

cause it's just the same with living and learning the important life things.
you can't teach people that stuff - even if you know it.
it really seems we all have to learn for ourselves.
but we can teach methods of learning -
ways to listen for answers, ways to trust the process.

and just like with homeschooling - i've learned right along with these guys.

i had no idea what it meant to become a parent.
no idea.
when josh entered my life, everything changed.

we've spent 26 years teaching each other, growing together, and
learning what it is to be human.

i couldn't have had a better teacher, son, goof-mate.
and i couldn't be more proud of the young man he's become.

when i celebrate him today........i'll be celebrating who he is, what he adds to
the world, and how he's such a part of my very core.

happy birthday, josh!....one of the most amazing young men i've ever known!

cool cool thought....

read this last nite and loved it.......

wanted to share.....

"...it is said that humans are not truly animated until the soul gives
birth to the spirit, tenders and nurses it, filling it up with strength.
eventually the soul is believed to retreat to a farther home while
the spirit begins its independent life in the world."

(-women who run with the wolves)

what an awesome thought!
i'm kinda just holding this one today.........

loops

i think maybe i'm learning something....
well, i'd like to think i'm learning something that i can
really hang on to.
i don't quite trust myself enough yet.
but i'm definitely gonna be playin' with this one for a bit.
cause if i can keep this in the hard times, it would really
make a difference.

it's just this -
it's not a bad thing that i can't control everything.

that's it.

grinnin' over here.

doesn't seem like such a big concept, i know.
but for me, it is.

i noticed it for josh's birthday celebration. how if i had
designed life a bit, there would have been more money and time.
but there wasn't, and it turned out to be quite a gift the way it was.

and then on my walk this morning.....
my gosh, the sunrise made me gasp and stop and just look..

now my walk has turned into loops around the block.
and i gotta say, it's not the ideal walk i would pick.
i miss walking up by the trees.
if i was running life, i'd have it all a bit different.
but there's things i can't control.
so it's loops around the block.

thing is......
i figured out this morning that there's treasure in those loops.
treasure that just tickles and delights me.

i now have a chunk of sky that i interact with over and over.
because i'm doin' loops, i can see the same piece of sky.
and i watch it wake up and change and become the day.
and it's incredible.

this morning i realized what a complete gift that was.
and that if it was up to me, i'd never have chosen the loops
for the walk. i woulda made everything lay out different.

and i woulda missed getting to know one chunk of sky.
i wouldn't have ever even thought of it.

so i walked and thought about how there's so many things i
don't even know about. it's a good thing i can't control everything.
i would miss so much if i did.

and then i thought of a conversation i had with bob this weekend.
we were talking about something i wanted to figure out inside of me.
he commented on how tangled it was and it seemed like a pretty
difficult task to try to untangle it. i agreed...but still said....
'yeah, but i gotta try. and maybe i can do it.'

so i thought of that task this morning.
and i thought about how it can be a gift.
how i wouldn't have chosen to have this big clump of stuff inside of
me to untangle....but how maybe the whole untangling process is really
a gift.

it's like having a hunk of sky to get to know.

it's like goin' round the block in loops, i can loop around stuff inside
me. and get to know parts of me better...and just like the sky, i can
watch it wake up and change and become.

oh my gosh.

how cool is that?

i turned into my driveway wondering 'is it all really just a mindset
and really how you look at things just makes all the difference?'

i think for me it is.
and i really need to keep on workin' with that.

and round two....

how do i describe this?

i had dessert plans that were a little funky and odd.

throw in the fact, that bob egged me on after i told him i had

the best bagel in the world the day before with the guys, 

and well, we decided to add to the funky and odd dessert plans,
and include 'the birthday bagel.'

then josh said he was bringing his bud with him.

and dessert plans changed.

i sat the brothers and bob down.

i can't keep the same plans. 

josh's bud's mom is a fantastic cook, does everything beautifully.

and besides, josh's bud actually TASTES his food~!

i just can't go funky and odd now.

the guys just assumed that meant i was ditching the birthday bagel idea.

huh???

NO WAY!

that's not weird.

that is, after all, the best bagel in the whole world.

jeesh.

i couldn't believe they thought that was the weird part.

well, this birthday bagel became a story all in itself.......

purchasing it was funny, bob bought it and apparently

felt he bought ownership of the bagel.

going to TWO stores for the little birthday candle holders we

didn't find that bob was sure we needed to insert the candles

into the bagel.

no candle holders.

we needed another plan.

'back off st. cloud, this is my bagel.

and i've got a plan.'

bob's seriously asking zakk for a dremel. zakk offering a drill.

my shrieking about sanitation. bob opting for his pocket knife

(which truly is worse than both a dremel and a drill!!)

the consultations and decisions of creating holes for the candles

BEFORE toasting....much easier to carve the holes....

oooops....no one thinking of the heat......
the candles melting in the heat of the toasted bagel...

oh well...we can eat the bottom half.

no we can't the wax went all the way thru.

look at how short some of those candles got!

oh well a little wax is good for you.

sure, a little made-in-china wax....

okay, no one eats the bagel.

the candles are melting too fast.

put the toasted bagel in the freezer, quick!

we need just the right dish for this.......

and the birthday bagel became a birthday story.

josh knew right away what kind (cranberry walnut for those of you

who must go get one....from panera)

and he loved the whole idea.

we filled him in on the prep work

'bob INSISTED on toasting it too early.' (ter)

'terri forgot she was at panera when she said let's go 

to panera' (bob)

'you missed the kitchen interactions!' (noah, rolling his eyes

and laughing)

'i wasn't sure about the drill bit' (zakk)

'did i tell you that bob INSISTED on toasting the

bagel way too early??' (ter)

'you're not gonna let go of that, are you??' (bob)

yes, we had 'regular' dessert too.....cause no one ate the bagel....

but the fun of the bagel just couldn't be beat.

and the best part was when we told them we ditched the weird

plans and stuck with the normal stuff. josh's eyebrows went up.
and he laughed.

no.

no.

the best part was this all took place right away.

they barely caught their breath from walkin' in.

it was totally family. 

it feels good to be with a group like this.

real real good.

celebrating round one....

yesterday was one of those days that reminded me so much
about what life's about.

time and money are both something i'm short of these days.
and something i've been kinda sensitive about.
and here it was, time to celebrate josh's birthday.
it's not his actual birthday, yet, but it was the day we could
all take some time off and be together.

josh knew time was tight and so he gauged what we would do
around that. he made it so there were some 'time-outs' that i
could pop in, do just a little work to keep afloat, and then go
back to it. and it helped me so much! i could really relax when
we were goofin', knowing i'd get a chance to catch up and
check in later.

it helped me a ton stress-wise.
but more than that, it helped me a ton that he saw me...
really saw what my days are like and try to make it all work.
that mattered so much, i could just feel the relief wash over me.

and then there's the money.
i want to give my guys everything....and well, i can't.
and they know that and are so incredible about it. when i
offered to take them out for dinner anywhere they wanted,
they picked where we always hang out. i protested that i really
wanted to take them somewhere special, and the response i got
was it was perfect and that's where he wanted to go. and as it
turned out, it was one of the best dinners we've had together ever.

i liked the present i got him, but under different circumstances,
there woulda been ten more things that he loved all wrapped up
and waiting for him. and yet, he was thrilled and i know that he
treasured it even more because of the circumstances.

his brothers put a ton of work and energy in on making him a gift
and he was so moved, i truly thought he was going to cry. he didn't,
but my gosh, i think it was the best present he ever got.
i sat and watched and thought how wonderful his reaction was and
how these presents meant such good things all around -
to the givers and the receiver.

it really was a day that was all about the right stuff.
josh commented on how much it meant to him and how special he felt.
and i think everyone was feeling pretty well seen and appreciated.

and i swear, if i had my way, i would have played out the day differently.
i woulda had a lot more money to spend on him and a lot more time
to hang out and bum around....and i sit here and realize it's a good thing
i don't always get my way.

because i think the limitations changed things.
in a really really good way.
now, it's because of who those guys are that it worked out the way it did.
because their hearts are so big and loving, it could become such a beautiful day.

we're not done celebrating yet.
there's more to come tonite and tuesday and on and on it goes.......

and i wasn't looking for a gift out of all of josh's celebrating.
but i tell ya, i sure got one yesterday.
and i'm carryin' it around with me.
and i'm thinking that i had no idea 26 years ago how much my life
would change because of these sons of mine.
and how much they'd teach me about what really matters in living.....
and how often they'd remind me to get back on track and enjoy!

choosing festive!

so you know how when you're actually getting something right
you hate to talk about it cause you know then you'll blow it??

that's runnin' thru my head here as i sit to type out something
that's working for me...
but what the heck! i'm gonna go wild and talk about it!

holidays.
i used to love them.
i mean REALLY love them.

then when my marriage blew up, they were sooooo hard.
just getting thru them took all i had.
and then they settled down, but still weren't what they used
to be and there have been times i have even said thru
tears that i 'hate holidays.'

which was never true.
what i really meant was things still hurt a lot then and i just couldn't
get them to work the way i wanted to.

and people seem to die around the holidays.
there for a bit we had five years in a row where we lost someone.

so this year rolls around so much faster than i could comprehend.
and the holidays were looming in front of my face.
complete with a very sick family member.
the anniversary of several significant deaths.
schedules all over the place with no making it all like i want.
work stress, financial stress......and  there i was wondering what
to do about it.

and i got a note from a friend.
we've been friends for a thousand years. and we have always served
the purpose of egging each other on in life. and there he was.
he was grabbing the holiday season for the first time ever really.
getting himself a tree and decorating his place. he decided he was gonna
get into it.

i read that note and sure enough - i was egged on.
i sat and thought about it.
by golly, i'm doin' this too.
i'm gonna grab this season like i haven't grabbed the season
in over ten years!

i talked to each son and told them i had made a decision to really enjoy
the holidays this year. to make them festive and fun and not get down
about stuff. told them they didn't have to join me, i just didn't want anyone
to rain on my parade.

each one of them looked at me and said they wanted in.
they wanted some festive fun too and they wanted a great season too.

so i've consciously been thinking about it.
i mean, this has been a goal in my head every day.
i've turned on christmas music when i wouldn't normally.
i sang all day yesterday because it was december first and it was something
that would remind me to be festive.
i've had more than one talk with myself about what i want out of the season,
about dropping certain worries, and just concentrating on the good.
and the big thing - i have concentrated on MYSELF. not on other people.
on what i can do to improve myself to make this a better time for me.
on what i need and how i can give it to myself.

and you know what?
by golly!
IT'S WORKING!

and you know what? it seems to be rubbing off on those around me!
no kidding!

when i sing, i just feel good.
when i listen to the tunes....i LISTEN to the tunes.
i realized i hadn't decorated my office - i did the whole house and not
my office. i spend most of my life in here! so i got out the garland and
lights....and decorated my office! and it feels good!

i look down at my engagement ring thru out every day.
i don't see bob much, and it can be hard. but i'm not thinking about
that right now. i look at the ring, see the sparkle, smile, send him some
love and keep on going.

i've made a conscious decision to focus on the good, and to
participate with the festive part of life.

granted it's only december 2nd! but i've been doin' this since before
thanksgiving.....so there's still some validity to all this!

i wanna keep it up.
and i wanted to put it out there.......cause i know it's a bumpy time
for a lot of us......

and if i slip and focus on stuff that feels bad or makes me sad....
that's okay too! cause that's part of life! and that stuff is in there.......
and i can focus on it a bit. thing is.....my choice is not to keep
focusing on it right now. my choice is to focus on the good right now.

and i know that's easy to say as no one has died, and basically
things are pretty good....i know that.

i know that i can do that this year because i'm stronger and things are pretty much calm.

what if it gets bad?
then i'll have that much more of a foundation of focusing on the
good and i'll have that much more muscle in looking at myself
and doing the things i need to take care of me.

so i really can't lose. ya know?
i'm choosin' festive right now. this moment.
and i'm gonna keep goin' as long as i can.
and it feels good!