more parts to meet....

i can't tell ya how worn my 'women who run with the wolves' book is.
it's underlined in pen, pencil, highlighter and crayon. there's circles, lines,
stars, exclamation points all over the thing.

and STILL i find stuff i never found before.

i'm in a section i never got a whole lot out of before. hmmmmm....
until now. my gosh.
i guess when you're ready.....you see it.

she's talking about the different worlds of ego and soul. and she speaks of
it like two different personas. and how the soul needs to swim underwater,
and the ego just can't do that for any length of time. it can't live there.
and while the soul can come out for a longer time and stay with the ego,
sooner or later it must go back under water.

but somewhere along the line the soul and the ego have a child....and this child
can live in both worlds. and this part of us carries messages back and forth from
one world to another.

now how cool is that concept?! i love that.

this part 'stands between the world of consensual reality and the mystical unconscious
and mediates between them.'

'the wild woman is a combination of common sense and soul-sense.'

this idea has captured my heart.

i have been hearing the tugs from deep below a little bit more lately.
i have been noticing calls and songs and echoes from that world...
and not exactly sure what to do with it all.

i'm thinking it's time i got to know that spirit child of my ego and soul.
i think i definitely want to get to know her.....

freaky catch ups...

they're my closest girlfriends.
they see me crumble, they see me happy, they see me scared,
they see me play. they see a whole whole lot of me. and they love
me thru it all.

and still, i felt a bit like a freak sitting there.

we were catching up, filling each other in on our stuff.
it's a lovely combination, the three of us. a whole lotta love
and respect among us. so we all make sure we each get a
chance to share.

which at times, i wish wasn't the case. cause there are times i
just kinda wanna hide. it's certainly not cause of them and how
they make me feel.

it's cause of me and how i make me feel.

what's new in my life is all inner work.
like figuring out how to be a friend to myself.
figuring out that laughter is an entire world to explore and wander in.
adding laughter to the list of the worlds of trust and love i want to explore.
figuring out some ways in which i can do that exploring.
marveling at some of the things i've seen so far.
knowing, just knowing, that there's all these caverns for me to enter
that are gonna take me to other universes.

all that stuff.

so you sit at a table with friends who are sharing their lives,
have that to offer and see if you don't feel a bit like a freak.

i wasn't gonna say much.
i was gonna skim around it.
but um...how do you skim around it?
and besides - it's truly got my fire lit. i couldn't be more excited about it.
i opened my mouth, and it all tumbled out.

they're my closest girlfriends.
they love me.
they know this is me.
i got nothing but love and support in their reaction.

like i say, it was me that was carrying the freak stuff.

but here's the thing....the part i wanted to put out -
i was carrying it. never dropped it.
BUT. BUT. BUT.....
as i heard myself telling my stuff, the feeling of liking what i was doing
and being excited about it carried more weight than the freak feeling.
the scales were tipped in the 'this is what i want to be doing' side of things....
and the freak stuff had to just sit there and take it.

and later....much later as i haven't quite got the hang of this down yet...
i could sit with myself and listen as to why i felt like a freak. and i could
understand why i carried the feeling.

of course you carry that feeling, terri.
of course you do.

but that was then.
this is now.
you'll learn more and more to trust the now and the feeling will slip away.
for now, it's okay.
and it's pretty darn cool as the excited feeling totally outweighed it.
it will slip away.
allow yourself time.

and who knows what the exploring will bring?
just allow it all to unravel...

trust.
release.
find the laughter.

i pictured myself in the middle of the crowded starbucks,
telling my friends i was suiting up to explore, pictured what my
face musta looked liked - how intense i was about it...
and i laughed.

called myself a darn freak, and laughed some more.

it's all okay.
it truly is all okay.

finding that darn laughter...

so i wasn't in a good spot and i knew it.
and i knew why. i could see the whole process that led to it.
but i wasn't sure what to do with it.

so while he ran into the store, i took a little break in the car to 'tune in.'
he was great about it, goofin' with me as he left me to do my thing.

i thought of the whole 'trust, release, find the laughter' deal.

okay. i went thru them one by one.
and wondered how on earth i'd find the laughter.
isn't that funny? THAT'S the one i got stuck on???
you'd think it'd be the other BIG ones...no...it was laughter.
i just didn't feel like laughing. i just really didn't. and i wondered
if i'd pull it off.

then i thought of the 'friending myself' that i wrote here just a few
days ago.

so i tried that. i asked myself how i felt, and was just listening and
nodding to myself, when he came back.

okay. time's up...see what you can do with that.

he was asking me about it all when they pulled up behind us,
honking and messin' with us.

parking together, we all wandered in for a drink.

i was aware of finding the laughter. we talked, there was some light
laughter. but nothing that was gonna shift the mood and break open
a door inside me - until -

until -

josh got an eyelash in his eye. and it was really bothering him.
he ended up taking my used tea bag and putting it on his closed eye.
as i sipped my tea, i looked over. he had put it on his eye, scrunched it up
a bit, and turned to noah and said in his 5th grade english accent 'i say
ol' chap.'

and i have no idea why.....i just have no idea why...
but he saved me.
cause at that moment, i had taken a gulp of tea. i turned, saw him
do that and the laugh i had been looking for came bursting outta me.
along with the tea.

which happened to hit zakk who was crammed in the booth next to me.
which happened to make it all a thousand times funnier to me,
which happened to make the tears come outta my eyes cause i was
laughing so darn hard.

and the door inside me opened.
i could feel it.
i could feel the plain ol' delight in laughter.
just delight in the laughing.
nothing else.

i could touch the laughter for a moment with delight and
remember that life is just so mixed.

i really wasn't sure how i'd find that laughter this time.
and i don't even know why a tea bag on josh's eye struck me so funny.
i have no idea why...
all i know is when i felt it coming up, i totally released into it.

and i'm thinking there's a whole journey with laughter to learn about.
i just had no idea.
and i'm so ready to learn more.

it's like laughter is a whole world all in itself.
who knew?

learning to see.....

i read this last nite and wanted to put it out here for anyone who
was really struggling....

'When we awaken to our inner truth through suffering caused by deep wounds,
we regain the inner sight we previously denied ourselves, resulting from our
fear of being rejected by others. We need our inner sight to access our intrinsic
power. The price we pay for our blindness is enormous and grave. The midlife
process does not support this blind way of being. The relationships that we
choose to stay blind to invariably fail us. We suffer deep wounding through this
alchemical  process of 'failure.' The blessing from the deep wound is the powerful
'medicine' it holds. This medicine permeates our lives and graces us with the clarity
of vision that can no longer be fooled by adaptations or cover ups. This medicine
reconnects us to our real selves and reveals the vulnerabilities that we carry that
have conditioned us to adapt and compromise our truth. Once we awaken
to this, we are able to reclaim our intrinsic power. '

that's from 'becoming real' by rose kumar

when i first started out on my own in my awakening process, i wrote so many
bone sighs about regaining my sight...learning to see myself. i struggled and
struggled with that concept. felt like i would never ever get it. and somehow
really understood that my power was tied up in that.

i read this last nite and put it aside to type here this morning.
without even thinking, i wrote the blog right beneath this first. then typed this out.
for me, they fit together like a glove. and i realized when i put these two posts
together in my head - i'm learning to see.

by golly, i'm learning to see.

and she listened....

something really cool has been happening to me this week.
certainly not as smooth and easy as i'm gonna type out,
but still, it's been pretty darn awesome.

i was trying to think of the word or phrase that might describe it.
and i came up with this - 'self awareness.'

and yeah, i think that's it.

it started out with me just noticing a slight feeling inside.
something i never woulda noticed enough to look at before.
but this time i stopped and looked.

okay, that right there is big progress.
usually i wait until things are kicking and screaming in me to look.
so stopping when it was a whisper was new.

and then i looked and listened and kept it to ME.
i didn't tie other people into it and how whatever they were doing
was affecting me.

or wait....let me clarify that.
i did see what was goin' on around me, how it was touching me.
how other's actions were feeling to me.
and then i concentrated on ME in that. not anyone else.

i just looked at my stuff.

and i saw a need.
i needed some time just to kinda feel what was going on inside of me.

that was the need.
to sit with it and listen.
that was it.

i didn't know any more than that.
and i trusted that was enough.
and so i did.

that was the start of a significant week here.
and that was a pretty big start....hearing and trusting and following,
without understanding.

it set the tone for the next few days.

when i felt funny about something goin' on, i gotta say, my first reactions
were about the 'other' people in the deal.  i did go to questioning their motives, their stuff....

BUT! i wouldn't do it for long. i'd see what i was doing, and go back
to me. and i'd ask myself what i was feeling.
and then i'd ask myself why i thought i was feeling that way.
and then when i'd figure that out - i didn't try to explain it away, or fix it,
all i did was nod, say 'of course you'd feel that way, that makes so much
sense.' and then i'd offer myself some compassion.

again....new stuff for me. it wasn't forced, it wasn't thought out, it wasn't
'okay, now it's time for compassion.' it was just a natural response to
really really listening. it was exactly what i would do for a friend without
thinking. and i did it for me without thinking.

last nite as i was goin' to bed, i felt a little bit down about something.
i thought about it and it was clearer than ever before to me that it
was about the emotions that get stirred up, not about what was actually
happening.

i could separate the two.
better than i ever had before.

and here's the thing.......when i snuggled in and lay there, the thing that
mattered to me more than anything else was the growth i saw happening in me.
i saw it.
and i thought 'wow, look at this, if you can learn to see like this, on a regular
basis, it would be amazing.'

i didn't think about anyone else in the deal.
i didn't think about what this meant for my offering to anyone else.
i didn't think about how this would help those around me (and it would!)
it was completely about how this was helping me.

and i don't know any other way to put this, but it was like i was finally learning
how to truly be there for myself.
for me. and no one else.

and it was incredible.
and all it started with was listening.

keys

a friend of mine's in a tough spot.
and hurting.
and asked for my thoughts.

oh man.
so i thought.
and i thought.

and i wrote about 'releasing.'

release.

that's a big big word.
that requires a whole lotta strength.

so i hopped on my bike and thought about that word.

it played a big part in several significant changes in my life.

i just laughed when i read that last line.

i guess it played a big part in EVERY change in my life.
cause the fact that i don't release when i need to affects
everything too.

but what i'm thinking of is the times i actually consciously DID release,
i opened myself up to life. and great changes happened.

so i pedaled away thinking about that.

a few years ago i wrote a bone sigh about there being no map.
you gotta write your own, cry your own, grieve your own, that kinda thing...

well, this morning i came up with directions for that map that you
create yourself -

and it feels like a new mantra to me -

trust.
release.
find the laughter.

that's it.
and to me, it feels like 'ohmygosh, that's IT!'

you gotta trust first.
that's a big one.
i know, personally, i'll be spending a life time workin' on that one.

then with the trust, you release.
oh, man, yes.
the few times i know i've done it, the entire universe opens up.

and then the laughter....
i thought of my story of my neighbor. (see post below)
it's when we found the laughter that i felt the love.
and the laughter doesn't have to be about what happened.
we certainly weren't laughing about his mom's passing.
we were laughing at my silly shoes.
something totally off topic.
and it created this great space for love.

so i thought of my friend who's struggling.
there's nothing in the struggle she'll find funny.
but it's something in her life in another area....

i thought of my own stuff. my own hurts my own hard stuff.
i don't want to laugh at that stuff.
but my gosh, tell me a silly story, and i crave the laughter.

all of those things - trust, release and laughter - all of them
are like portals into the magic of life.

i really think so.

so maybe instead of directions to the map, they should be called
the keys to the map.

cause man, they sure open doors.

now.
can i just keep all this in mind and work with it?
ah, i can try.
i can just keep on trying.......

in the laughter.......

his mom passed away last week.
he and his mom have lived next door to us for we don't even know how long...
12 years maybe...
she hasn't been doin' good. i wasn't surprised.

he was tho.
he knew it was coming.
and he knew it wouldn't be long.
but not quite then.
he wasn't expecting it just then.
and it hit him pretty hard.

he and i really couldn't be much more different.
and we know it. and somehow, we get along fabulously.
the part where we're similar is we're both pretty friendly and
believe in being there for neighbors, and we like to laugh.
and we are both just genuinely glad the other's there.
that gets us pretty far.
there's a love between us that springs from all of that.
i feel it, and i enjoy it.

standing at his mom's service yesterday, i looked at my sons
standing in a circle with him and his son. each one of them in suits.
i hadn't seen his son in years. he was as grown and as handsome as
my guys. and he was a dad now. and one heck of a happy dad.

standing back looking at that circle of guys, a whole lotta thoughts
swirled inside me. it wasn't exactly a thrill to see all the suits, as it
usually means exactly what it meant then....a funeral. and yet, they
sure were a good lookin' crew. and it was so good to see his son so
happy.

wow, what a mix you see at something like this......
death, new life, kids grown into men, men growing older.......
there was a lot whirling inside of me as i watched.

leaving his house yesterday and heading home, i went to say goodbye
and give him a hug. and this.....this moment......was when i felt the
love the most......

mid-hug he teased me about my shoes. i like his teasing. he feels like
a brother to me when he does that. we laughed and in mid-hug i hit
him on the back.

forget the hug, i hit him instead.

and right at that moment, i felt the love for him the most.

we had already shared the teary hugs, the gentle talks, the offers of help....

it was the laughing and the teasing and the playfulness that moved me the most.

there's something about laughing and joking when you're hurting and sad.....
there's something so incredible about that.
i think cause you can't just do that with strangers.
you know, REALLY do that.....
there's got to be some kinda relationship there......

and in its own way, it's one of the most beautiful forms of intimacy.

i really think so.
and i love that when that happens.

i held the moment, cause death always reminds me to do that.
hold the moments. and appreciate the moments.

and i did.
and as i turned to go, i looked up at the sky, thought of his mom
and smiled her way. she'll live on in the laughter.

what a cool thing is that?

that's where i want to live on after i go.....in the laughter........

for our inner child stuff....

this is for anyone who works with their inner child.......

if you can take a moment and think about your past,
and all that that little girl missed out on.....really think about it....
really hold it........

'her beauty had never shone so bright before.
when i realized what she had missed,
all that had been lacking,
and i saw how still -
STILL -
she was so beautiful,
i knelt down,
held her,
cried,
and loved her more than i ever had before.
i would help her see it -
i would keep seeing it,
and together we would grow.'

good stuff

and since i'm sharing stuff....and just so you know, i'm back to reading
a little bit so i'll be back to sharing as i go!! here's some golden nuggets
from clarissa's women who run with the wolves.......

'nothing makes the light, the wonder, the treasure stand out as well
as darkness.'

thud.
wow.

then she talks about going about in the and through the darkness...
carrying 'an age old message that says, 'do not fear 'not knowing.'
in various phases and periods of our lives, this is as it should be....'

'...so maybe we stumble around in the dark for a while trying to
find what calls us, but because we have managed to not talk ourselves
out of being summoned by the wild one, we invariably stumble over
the soulskin.'

ahhhhh good stuff to remember as we stumble along.....

sharin' stuff..

here's stuff for ya....did i ever say where i got that last stuff about allowing from?
i'm sorry. it's from 'daring to trust' by david richo....as is this......

'our survival needs are about comfort; our emotional needs are about challenge.'

woe.
woe.
I LOVE THAT!

and then....

'unfortunately, we are not equally geared to having healthy relationships.
so we have to  work on making intimacy and other growth needs a priority
because our body has survival mode as its primary default setting. this explains
why we might stay in a relationship that is not working: we imagine that we need
it on a survival level. with healthy boundaries, we make a choice for personal
happiness and sanity. we then no longer believe we need a relationship in order
to survive.'

just thought that was awesome....had to share.........

needs

i stumbled on something last nite that just made me stop in my tracks.

i was reading about our needs. how we have the need for safety and
security and how early on that's, of course, met by others. and he talks
of that being our 'elementary level ingredient of our development.'
and goes on to say that in full maturity, it becomes our own inner resource
that fulfills our need for growth.

okay. good. cool. then he talks about our need for self actualization.
and how that requires being given the time, space and resources to become
who we are. ...'our higher needs include making full use of our gifts,
finding and fulfilling our calling, being loved and cherished just for ourselves,
and being in relationships that honor all of these.'

then he goes to say these get fulfilled by what he calls the 'five A's' -
attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing.

ohhhhh what a great list. first thing i do is go to my relationships and do
a check...am i offering the five a's? and THEN....how about with MYSELF?!

ah, right there's enough to think of for a life time...

but we're not done....

he goes onto describe the 'allowing' part of the list, and THIS is what
stopped me in my tracks -

1. we are free to show our feelings without being interrupted, punished
or ridiculed for them.

2. we have full permission and encouragement to declare and live in accord
with our own deepest needs, values and wishes.

3. our path is smoothed for us by caregivers who protect AND launch us
so we can make our own choices and move out and on when we are ready.

wow.
wouldn't you love to sit in an auditorium and ask how many people got that
as a child?
or maybe not.....maybe that would be sooo sad to see how few hands went up.

when i read that i just sat there kinda stunned.
and i thought about my past. and i thought about my now...and i thought about
how i need to pay attention to that now and really truly give this to myself.

sometimes there's nothing else you can do but give it to yourself......
and don't you think that's a pretty powerful thing to do?

a good catch....

wow, i'm reminded this morning of how much awareness it takes
to live fully.

man.
oh man.
oh man.

here's the darn kicker - i figure it out by watching someone else offer
only part of themselves.

wouldn't it just be nice if i could sit back and say 'man, they just
aren't gettin' it....this whole deal of truly living what you want to live.'

wouldn't that just be so much nicer than noticing that in them,
turning to look at yourself and going 'ooops.'???

suddenly, they don't matter at all anymore.
cause you see how you dropped the ball.

i see this morning how the intentions have been floating away....
slowly and quietly....but drifting off.

not enough that they're gone.
and i see it now, so that'll help.
but STILL.......

i see this - and this is something i think we all need to be so aware of -
i see myself thinking i'm doing something for a good reason, yet being
lazy about it, not being fully present, being distracted and doing it half way.

darn.
and yet.....i'm thrilled i'm seeing it.
cause i haven't slipped so far away this time and i know i can just catch
myself and turn myself around.

thing is.....it takes AWARENESS.
and i was just kinda groaning to myself that that can get tiring.
awareness is work and tiring, i whispered to myself.

thing is.....i don't think it really has to be.
i think that's something i tell my lazy self so that i can kinda give into the laze.

it hasn't been work and tiring lately.
it's been rejuvenating and the source of great laughter.
ahhh, perhaps the trickster is alive and well inside of me tryin' to turn
me to the lazy stuff.

i wonder why?

why is it so easy to slip off the awareness path? why is it so easy
to tell ourselves that's just too much work???

have no idea...but i know i do it.
and i caught myself this morning by looking at someone else.

i tell ya, anytime i look at someone else, i need to look right back at me.
cause i truly have yet to come up empty on something i could tweak in
myself.

and this is a good catch.
cause i really don't want to lose so quickly what i found so recently.

i want to keep my eyes on my intentions, live with awareness, and offer
what i offer with all that i have. at least for a few more days...

also ourselves

so i had this pretty strong dream that my guy left me.
i could feel all the emotions in the dream.
it was strong and powerful.
i woke up glad it was a dream, glad i had a day ahead with him,
and totally motivated to appreciate him.

i didn't feel like the dream was a 'sign' or anything like that...
i wasn't worried about our relationship, and i was a little surprised
i had it. but i was appreciative that it happened.
cause anything that boots me into gratitude is a good thing.

well, as if i needed any more encouragement about appreciating what mattered,
we went to see the margaret thatcher movie. which we both decided wasn't
about margaret thatcher, but about a woman at the end of her life, having
to look back to where she had been, see where she was now, and ultimately -
clean out her closet.

exactly my kinda movie.
and as i watched, i thought of my life.
and i thought of what it was gonna be like if i was the survivor and i had to
say goodbye to my guy. for real.

between the movie and the dream, i couldn't have appreciated that man of mine
more. i held his hand thru the movie, and snuggled in close at different parts.
best thing ever about the movie theater is the arm rests go up and you can
scoot close. i felt his hand in mine and treasured it. we didn't have to be there
together. and i knew it.

later, i put a few pieces together and saw what probably brought the dream on
in the first place. nothing about my guy, all about my own insecurities. and i
got a little worried i'd never get past the darn things. i thought of the dream.
i thought of the movie.

in a blink, it's all over, ya know?
i truly truly want to have lived fully.
and as far as i can tell that means loving fully.
and what i got, after awhile, yesterday, was that my gosh, yes, it's the ones
we care about so much we gotta show our love for...
AND...AND...AND it's also ourselves.
by golly, it is so also ourselves...

grateful

it's a stevie morning. (see post below)

i was listening to some stevie as i made my bed this morning.
he's got this song about traveling down the road with a friend.
and as i made my bed, i thought of my own travels with my own friends
and family.

some moments flashed thru my head.
we were talkin' about stuff and he was fiddlin' with a tag on my clothes.
just fiddlin' while he listened.
i was aware of it, and knew how precious it was.
not everyone can fiddle with your clothes when you talk to them.

they were in the kitchen when i came up all animated with a story
that grossed me out. a personal story you couldn't tell just anyone,
but i could tell them......and i did with gusto. when i heard myself
say 'ohhhh gross!' and just laugh and laugh with them......i was aware of it.
i knew it was one of those goofy family moments.

when i was talkin' to him on the phone and choked up and he called me
back a few minutes later about it, i could feel the bond between a mom
and a son. and i held it.

i'm lucky....for some reason i notice the moments. and i hold the moments.
not sure if everyone does. i hope so. cause it's an awesome feeling.

i listened to the song. to the line 'god it's good to be travelin' together again.'
and i thought of how quickly it all goes.
and how good it is to be together.

feeling incredibly grateful this morning......

enjoyin' it while i got it!

it's no secret....stevie ray vaughan is a hero of mine,
and i credit him for being the catalyst for the explosion that
changed my life -
he woke me up and made me want real.
he woke me up and made me want to touch the source,
to live my passion....to live.

the other day i went off on a passionate rant with a friend of mine.
he misunderstood something i was saying, and i was trying to convince
him he had it wrong. and i went off about my passions and what i
believed about the bone sighs.
we were on the phone, but i could still see him grinning when he
interrupted me mid-rant and said 'terri. terri. terri....i believe you.'

i stopped, smiled and then laughed.

the passion is back.
ha! the passion is back.
it was kinda cool to see it at that moment with him.
he's been with me with bone sighs from way early on.
and he's kinda symbolic to me anyway. so it was a pretty cool
moment.

it was so there in the beginning........
and then it got hit and tugged and pulled and rolled over,
and covered in dirt and everything you could think of.....
and i lost it.

not all of it, mind you.
but the stuff that could light my being up and fire up a rant in
a heart beat....the stuff that when i went walkin' out my front door,
i'd think 'i'm filled with passion, baby.' that stuff got lost....

and it's back! and i'm thrilled that it's back.

what controls the cycles? what makes it come back? what makes
it go away? why can't you just grab it back when you want it?
i don't  know. i go round and round with all that. and i try hard to
make it all 'work.'......but it seems to have a bit of a life of its own.

i want it to stay this time.
forever.
yeah.
i really do.
so, okay, maybe it won't........
and maybe that's a good thing too.....
cause because it left once, i really know how precious it is.
and i'm treasuring it big time right now.

sharin' again...

this is on the back jacket of a book i grabbed off my shelf yesterday.
i read it while sitting at a red light.
and my eyes got big and i went 'OOOOooooohhhHhhhHHhhhh' out loud
in my car.

"Trust is our best path, but discernment in how we place our trust is crucial.
All of us have been lied to, deceived, or let dowin in some way. Yet we can
remain heart-centered while proceeding with caution, and we can develop
greater resilience in the face of life's inevitable rejections and disappointments.
Only two qualities can get us to that point. First, building inner resources so
that our safety and security lie stably within ourselves; second, developing
an unconditional yes to life as it is."
.......david richo - daring to trust

woe.
i really liked that.
the first thing i loved was how he just put out there we gotta build our
inner resources so that our safety lies withing.
bam.
i always think that....but sometimes it seems impossible.
and bam. he just puts it out there like it really can be done!
yes! i love that!

and then.......and unconditional yes to life AS IT IS.
yeah.
yeah.
the 'as it is' part makes sense to me now.
before i don't think i would have even noticed that.
or i woulda figured 'of course' without even thinking about it.
that's a big big part of that sentence.

loved this!~
wanted to share....

talk about a partner.....

and since i'm gonna indulge myself and sleep in in the morning,
i thought i'd post one more here to kinda be like my morning posts.

the trust.
(see post below)

that line.....
trust is the door to the magic that is the scent of god.

trust is the door.

trust is the door.
i want to go further and further thru that door.

i have someone i trust.
i have someone i can work on trust with.
i really really can.
that's no tiny gift to have.

and when we finally connected today and he asked me how my day was,
i said 'here's the nugget -'  and i launched into stuff that was whirling
inside of me about trust and the god stuff that i talk about in the post
below.

and i continued on....about how i trust him. and how i know i can
explore trust with him. and how we have so much further to go and how
i want to work on it with him.

i have someone who can help me learn how to go further and further
thru the door......

and one of my resolutions this year has been to dance and celebrate
my blessings.

talk about a blessing.

talk about a journey.
i have said all along that he teaches me love.
and i have said all along that love is god.
and now.....i want to really travel with what he can teach me.

talk about a partner.

dancing and celebrating and packing my backpack....
we've got some exploring to do.....

a cool drive home

don't ever get me talkin' about god stuff.
cause then i get to thinking about god stuff.

driving home that's what i was thinking about...
cause we had talked about it a little bit.
along with a buncha other things....
and i was trying to put it all together and make some
sense of it.

the buncha other things and god stuff. how'd they go together?
i was thinking how hard life was. how everyone's got so much
gunk and pain and sadness and STUFF.

and i kinda got this visual of all that stuff being like big ol'
black blocks. black cubes.
stacked on top of each other and around in a line kinda.
and how that's what we focus on.
BUT! that's the wrong place to focus.

i got to thinking of how the 'god stuff' shows up around the cubes.
the god stuff's the 'magic.'
the magic that happens when we trust.

i got this line, which i don't know if it will make sense to anyone else,
but it flipped me out - 'trust is the door to the magic that is
the scent of god....'

the scent of god.
ohmygosh.......

so let me try to land and focus here.......

you've got this stuff......and this space around this stuff.
and if you can step into this space (which happens when we let go
and trust - really really really trust....and sometimes-most times-
it's just for moments) then you hit the magic.
and that's what can and does whirl around the stuff.
but we mostly don't know.
we have to step into it to know it.
and when we do........
we find the scent of god.

cause that's what it's like.....i think.........
just the scent......
cause truly.........we have nooooooo idea of any more than that.

and it's all about the space around the stuff.
NOT THE STUFF.

this was just like such a cool drive home for me.......
had to share.

blown away......

someone posted this on facebook, and i gotta tell ya,
i'm stunned. just stunned.

when i was a teenager i worked with autistic kids a bit.
i sucked at it. had no training, was really scary and just didn't
know what i was doing.

i look at this and just cry. if only i coulda somehow known.....
and for all the people i've missed and the opportunities i've missed.
this is about as big an eye opener as you get.......

had to share. figure the more eyes open, the better.......

it's about an autistic girl who finally finds a way to communicate.
check it out here....

hope matters

this blog has always been about searching, growing, sharing...
that kinda stuff.
i keep politics and that kinda thing off of it.
that's not what it's about.

today i mention SOPA.....not because of what it is...altho i feel
strongly about it...but because of the black outs goin' on today,
cause of the google doodle i just saw....cause of the tiny tiny
spark of hope that gives me.

i don't remember ever feeling so hopeless about the state of things
in my country. but that's not what the post is about....it's about
that spark of hope i felt this morning. it's about thinking sooner or
later we're gonna have to find our voices and grab them back and
start shouting.

sooner or later. but it looks like it'll be later. yet i still felt a tiny
spark of hope this morning......

and i thought of us......women in particular....but anyone who's had
a rough time. and how from an outsider's eyes looking in, it's way
time to shout and scream, grab your voice and push the garbage aside.

but it doesn't work like that, does it?
it takes the one in it a whole lot longer to see.
it takes the one in it a whole lotta getting pushed around.

but sooner or later......it happens and we grab our moment.
i thought of that this morning.
and i remembered 'the process.'
there certainly is one.
and we gotta trust that.

i'm throwin' this out there this morning as a reminder for both
the personal and the world processes...we can't lose hope.
hope matters.

and i needed to remember that this morning.

mullin' around

so i was thinking about the martin luther king jr. quote that you
saw everywhere you turned yesterday (including my own facebook page)
the one about needing light to drive out darkness.

i thought of that on my walk yesterday and all during the day.
i thought of it in terms of my own 'inner predator' (see post below...
or maybe two below...)

i thought of that inner predator inside me as the darkness.
and that the way for me to do something about it would have to be
with light.

i've thought of the whole 'embracing' stuff i hear along the road....
you know....embrace your fear, embrace your anger...that kinda
stuff. and that stuff makes sense to me. those things are actually
some kinda signals to pay attention to. they're not trying to hurt you.

embracing the inner predator didn't feel right.
because it DOES seem to be trying to hurt me. it doesn't feel like
a signal for me to pay attention to, like fear or anger. it's different.

and so i wondered how does the light tie in?
well.......first thing i thought of is i don't have to try to kick it (my
inner predator) to the moon and hate it.
i can just look it in the eye and say 'that doesn't work here.'
that's different than hating it. seemed much more light-like.

and that seemed like a start.
so okay. good. i can try that idea.
but um...wait a minute....
i can't look this thing in the eye and tell it that.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

oh yeah.
so why can't i?
cause it feels soooo much stronger than i am.

and i know that's cause it comes in when i'm feelin' weak.
it doesn't come in when i'm feeling strong and confident.
nope.
when i'm feeling weak and easily unhinged.

okay. so i don't think it's about wrapping the ol' inner
predator in light. i think it's about GROWING the light
inside of me. so those weak spots get stronger.

i looked at the two weak spots - both spots are spots
i stand in where i don't feel good enough.

so i have to work on growing there.

so okay...HOW??

i thought of this on my bike this morning.......
what are light things to grow?

first thing i came up with, and didn't get beyond  was trust.

oh yeah. trust is light stuff.
for sure.

if i trusted.....REALLY REALLY TRUSTED those weak spots
wouldn't be so weak. well, they wouldn't be there at all. but let's
face it, i'm not gonna get there instantly.....so we'll start with they
wouldn't be so weak.

that brought me to trust.
how do you grow it???

it's a big circle, i think.
you gotta believe in yourself.
and you gotta know things will work out.
hmmmmm......
for me that is a really dangerous slippery slope.

what happened to me before is i trusted things would work out
if i worked hard enough. and it turned into something that i had tried
so hard to leave behind - it turned into some kinda belief in a god
who rewarded you for doing good.

that's not my true beliefs.
so then when i realized i built my life there yet again, i crumbled.
and i'm wary of that slippery slope.

but it's not that, i thought.
it's trusting YOURSELF to do what you need....and when you
really get there, there's a space, i'm certain of, that's magic.
that's the god stuff......
there's a space you can step into.

but the minute you start looking for it, you've lost it.
trust isn't trust if you're expecting a reward.
jeesh.
trust is just trust.
trust is living. not getting.
truly living.
which is getting.

it can get pretty zennish i think.
once you've looked for it, you've lost it.
once you've let go, you get it.
that kinda thing.

and i'm pretty darn sure gratitude has a lot to do with trust.
i think maybe because gratitude keeps you focused in a good spot.
gratitude keeps you moving forward.
it keeps you out of the murky shadows.

it's those shadows that grab you and pull you under into self doubt and
stuff like that......

so where the heck does this ramble leave me????

actively trying to grow the light stuff.
yeah.
i think that's it.

knowing that growing light is my tool to help me face the dark.

becoming more aware of trust and gratitude and where i choose
to live my moments. that kinda thing. easily said. sounds pretty,
sounds noble and cosmic.....and my gosh, so easily forgotten
and lost and muddled.

and because i'm so good at forgetting and getting lost and muddled,
it just means i have more room to work in! more opportunities every
day.

and when i start to feel the self doubt rollin' in....maybe i can really stop
and be aware. pull in some of the light....that kinda thing.

worth a shot.
and so i try and try again.

echoes and laughter

ya know how you get that echo on the phone sometimes?
and you know how you can't concentrate cause you keep hearing
yourself talk?
i've had that plenty of times and when i have to, i talk thru it,
and just say what i gotta say and go.

but yesterday was different.
it happened with a call to bob.
i heard it right away and immediately started making noises.
and then i laughed. and then i laughed some more cause my
laugh made me laugh.

then i figured i'd annoy him terribly so i offered to call him back.
and when i called him back i still had it and i could hear my laugh
and it soooo made me laugh to hear my laugh.

honestly, i'm a compassionate giving person because i got off the
phone as i couldn't concentrate and he didn't need to sit there
and listen to me play with my echo.

but i coulda played with it for hours.
i really could have.
and my laugh....oh my gosh......it so made me laugh.
it was contagious to myself!

and i've been thinking about that -
i loved to hear it.
and i know sometimes when i laugh it comes from the
little terri part of me.
i want to hear THAT laugh!!!
i can hear it from inside - but i want to hear it from the outside.
don't have a plan on how to do that.
but just totally love that i could hear my laughter.

what if we could all hear our own laughter??
i bet we'd laugh more!
i'm gonna be listening. it's not quite the same from
the inside...but it's a start......

looking

got on the treadmill thinking about people runnin' from lookin'
at themselves and what's blocking them and stopping them from
living fully.

we do it all the time.
and having just had a conversation with someone who just stopped
short and said 'i'm not sure i really want to change.' it's been on my mind.

i thought of all the places i could see it, including my own self.
of people just dropping the ball. not wanting to look.
and i got to moving along there on that treadmill thinking 'i don't want
to do that.' i mean, seriously, WHAT are we so afraid of?
doin' the work gives us the gift of really living. it is SO worth the effort.
and having made a little progress, i can truly see that and trust that.

so okay, ter....where do you need to keep at it?

and right away, i knew a part of me that totally grabbed me this weekend
and pulled me under the murky waters. i believe clarissa pinkola estes
calls it our 'inner predator.'

and my gosh, have i got a doozy.
i totally laugh when i think back and think i didn't even realize i HAD one
when i first heard the concept.
oh my gosh.
have i got one.
it's so dark and cunning and LOGICAL.
you wanna trip me up, throw logic at me, and then i don't know which end is up.
i totally doubt myself. cause how can you argue with logic??
self doubt fills me and i figure it must be right.

it comes in and tries to destroy my spirit.
it seriously feels like a whole separate part of me just walks in and takes over.

so i thought about it as i did my thing on the treadmill.

it seems to show up when something i'm sensitive about gets hit.
i think maybe actually more than once.
like one hit on a sensitive spot isn't enough....but two hits will open the door.
this time the first hit came from me not feeling like i fit in,
second hit came about my finances.
double whammy.
door opens.
in walks this dark cunning inner predator.
and it goes for my light.

it truly does seem to just go for my light.

and i don't even feel like i hand it to him....yeah, it feels like a 'him' to me.
i feel like i just kinda dissolve.
and the worst thing ever happens - i get really angry at myself for being
the way i am.
i turn on myself.
i so completely turn on myself.

how hurtful is that??

wow.

i so want to look at that. and i so want to stop doing that.
i don't deserve that. at all. i just don't deserve that.
and to do it to myself......wow.

i know this happens, i know i hate it when it happens, and i know i make
it thru, it goes away and i continue on.

this morning is the first time i've tried to figure out when it shows up.
the first time i've looked at what exactly it is i do.
why is that?

i need to start looking at this stuff.
because it doesn't have to work this way.
i can change it.
i'm not sure how.
but i know i can.
but i gotta know what's goin' on before i can change it.
and yeah - something i've learned along the way -
i DO want to change.
i DO want to grow.
i DO want to live fully.
even if it takes some hard work.
cause what the heck is the point if we don't???

sharin' josh

sharin' josh's blog.

thought it was a good one.......

check it out here.....

treasuring the epic....

someone came thru and asked if we had a valentine for widows.
wow, did that kinda slam me in my face.
and no, we don't.
but i sure hope to create at least one this week.

i've actually thought about it a couple times..
not the card....the losing your mate stuff.
i can't imagine what it would feel like to lose my partner.
i mean, i know one way or another one of us loses one of us.
i know that.
but the thought is so hard.
living it must be incredibly painful.

and relationship stuff is so darn complex.
i've been afraid of mine from before it even started.
how weird is that?
i lose the fear, do great, then get scared again.
i'm a lot less like that little prairie dog that needs the
back door to run out of. i was certainly that when we
started. i've lost that.
but still there are times the fear sets in and i think that
maybe truly, really, i'm better off on my own.

until recently when i thought i lost my partner.
i saw what a good chance there was of me losing him.
and i think that really knocked some sense into me.

i think it took all those times where i ran to the 'i would be
better off on my own' thoughts and slammed me and showed
me what i'd be losing.

i have never worked so hard at anything in my life.
because it's not just our relationship i've been working on,
it's been a whole lotta inner growth. because unless i'm healthy,
we can't be healthy. and of course, the same goes for him.
and it's been more work than i ever coulda imagined.

yesterday when the guys landed in my living room and asked
us how our day was, i smiled and said 'epic.' we all laughed.
but i meant it.

the work we have done pays off. pays off big time.
the closeness and love can be epic between us.

epic.

no kidding.

and one day, one of us is gonna look at a valentine for a widow/widower
and understand just exactly what it's talking about.

every day there's messages that come landing on my lap or on my nose
saying 'pay attention, this is important.'

today's came in the form of a greeting card request.
we don't have each other forever.....
it's a gift.
i need to know that every single day.

clapping for all of us..

i had the absolute delight to be taken to the kennedy center last nite!
a friend bought tickets for her, me and another friend to go to see billy elliot
for a christmas gift!

ohmygosh, talk about the present you'll have for a lifetime!

the entire thing was a tickle. from the moment we heard we were going!

i cried, i laughed so hard i doubled over, i clapped with all i had, and
i joined in with the whole audience for the standing ovation.

the part that totally gave me goosebumps is when billy takes his power back.
he's from a mining town, wants to be a ballet dancer (yeah!) and of course
that goes over like a ton of bricks.

there's this part when he goes screaming up to his bedroom and then the
stage goes dark then the music comes on really loud and the lights go to
red and zingy and the music is blaring thru you and billy starts running
and dancing for all he's worth, ya know??

he was taking his power back. and i swear, i got goosebumps and was
totally aware of every woman in my life that's ever come thru that has
taken her power back, of every guy i've seen do that, and of myself.
i was completely captivated.

and then....bam....there was a glitch in something and they dropped the curtain!!

no kidding!
we were actually worried the guy playin' billy got hurt.
but he came back full force, so maybe it was something with the set.
i have no idea.
but bam! right in the middle of that.

it definitely took the zing away from that number......BUT! it was STILL
my favorite part of the whole show.

it's when he got pushed and pushed and told he couldn't do it and had his
dream taken away from him - that's when he burst and found his power.

i wanted to put that out here today.....as a reminder......
sometimes that's what it takes.....
but when we find it.......my gosh......the red bolts of thunder come
crashing thru........

and then.....everything doesn't change overnite.
it takes awhile.
years even.
years and years even.

but that's okay.
cause the changes are happening.

that's what i took out of that moment in the show.......
and i feel such gratitude for my own red bolty zingy crashing
time in my life........

it sucked to go thru, and yet, it's one of the best things that
ever happened to me. when i stood there clapping at the end,
i think i was clapping for everyone one of  us who has taken
our power back and everyone of us who will be doing that
soon!

choose it...

'choosing to believe......'
i like that phrase.
cause that's what we do, right?

we CHOOSE to believe whatever it is we're believing.
sometimes i forget that.

so if we're choosing to believe it, are we acting like it???

that's my big thought for the day. or question for the day.

that brilliant man of mine wowed me with a quote years ago
that has been hangin' on my wall since -

'once you've made your choice,
it becomes a matter of trust.'

i thought that was brilliant.

i look at that almost every single day.
and it always always seems to catch my eye when i've stepped out of trust
and am in the muck and mire of doubt.

i don't know if it relates to the first thought in anyone else's head or not....
but to me, it does.

once you choose your belief, go with it. believe it.
trust it. and act like it, darn it.

it seems like such an easy concept.
jeesh.

i wonder why i lose it all the time?

doubt creeps in.
i truly think doubt is one of our most serious downfalls.
or one of mine, anyway.
so i've been thinking about all this when the quote of the day comes in -

“ dance with me,
grieve with me,
laugh with me,
sit quietly with me.
i am your life.
live me. ”

i can add more...

choose me.
believe in me.
trust me.
and for pete's sakes, live like it.

a marvel....

i do believe i'm gonna end up sounding like a
born again intention believer! i just want to shout this to the rooftops!

started with this stuff in november and still rolling...
and i know i bring it up over and over again.
but it's just a darn marvel to me.

a darn marvel!

yesterday i set my daily intention to be to move thru my day with happiness.
then i made a point of  asking my inner child part to be with me.

this was all after part of the day had already happened.
and before i could even set the intentions -
someone covered me with their ick.
they're having a really hard time, weren't feeling well,
and well.....just kinda covered me with ick.
i could feel it.

i walked into my house and just kinda tried to fling it off of me.
was still kinda stuck on my skin when i sat down to set
my intentions.

and i sure didn't want to feel the ick.
i wanted to move thru the day with happiness.

and i found some stuff to laugh about.

i swear, they are NOT kidding about laughter being the best medicine.
ya know, i think we've heard that too much and just think that
means laughing is good.

i'm starting to wonder if laughter might just be the darn healer of healers.

so i'm goin' along laughing and someone really rude comes thru.
really rude.
okay.

there was a time this kinda thing woulda gotten to me.
not this time.

little terri stepped in and started jokin' with zakk. i knew she
was there when she used the word 'meanie.'
and i started laughing.
zakk jumped on board in his zakk style and really got me rollin'.

i found myself working at my desk all alone laughing out loud.
and once again, laughter changed everything and kept me going.

all day i thought of the intention. i thought of little terri.
i wanted to make my valentine i send to friends. inviting her to
come join me, we made the valentine together.

i'm kinda stunned how i'm directing my day and my mood.
and how i can keep an awareness goin'.
i'll completely forget what my daily intention is.
i'll completely forget it. but i have it written right on my desk here.
so i keep looking.
oh yeah.
oh yeah.
let me do that.
and then i do it.

it's just a constant start/stop/start thing.
i figure i'll get smoother.
but truly, as unsmooth as it is, it's doin' wonders.
can't even imagine what it'd be like to be really smooth about it.

i haven't set my intentions today yet.
gonna take a walk and think about it.
but i tell ya, it's like a darn game.
you can actually take your days and make them into a darn game.
what a fun idea!

merry go rounds and paths...

the listening idea from yesterday (see post below)
hasn't left me. i keep thinking about it, watching it.

and this morning, this bone sigh popped into my head -

maybe when you really love yourself you can see beyond that self - 
and then maybe you never give yourself away. maybe you just give.

and i put it together with my listening thought.

and i was getting all inspired to be present.

when the quote of the day came thru -

'it wasn't her deal,

it was theirs, she thought.

only this time, those weren't just words

to help her detach.

she WAS detached.

it was truth.

and she danced with delight

in her freedom.'

the YEARS it took me to get to the place in that bone sigh

were filled with a lotta hard work. to know what's yours and

what's not is a big big thing. and the freedom that can come with

that is tremendous.

and it seems to me that listening, being present and giving ALL

require me to be clear on what's mine and what's not.

actually, i think truly living requires that of me. (us).....

i just walked upstairs to go get my jacket, and i heard music down
the hall - the guy was singing 'merry go round and around. merry go
round and around.' and it was repeating.

and i smiled.

that seems like what life is when you can't figure out what's yours

and what's theirs. it all goes round and round and round in a big

circle. but when you can make that distinction, and then do all the

other stuff - really love yourself....give without giving yourself away...

truly listen and be present....it seems like maybe we get off the

merry go round and get onto a really cool path.

thing is, it doesn't seem to be a solid thing that stays there.

not for me, anyway.

i can be on the path for moments and then back on the merry go round.

back and forth i go.

but i think, i truly do think that it's something we can get on and

stay on. 

i'd like to.

quiet down, ter.....and explore........

we were talking about the depths of things inside us.
i've got some stuff deep inside me that affects things i do.
i know this, and yet, i probably really have no clue as to how much so.
but i do know this.

and i know it's not just me.
and some people have really big things that color so much of what's
goin' on in their lives. sometimes seriously crippling the lives they lead.

i think i've never really gotten past the point of understanding that much.
i don't think i've ever tried to go any further with that. maybe because
my hands are full enough trying to figure out what to do with my own
deep stuff. i certainly am not qualified to help anyone else figure out
their deep stuff.

but what about that deep stuff? what are we sposed to do with it?

there's a thought whirling around inside me this morning.
it started with the idea of listening. truly listening.
that's a topic and about twenty blogs all in itself. i was gonna
snag a great quote on listening, but there's so many i just didn't know
where to start....all of them ringing with how listening is something
golden that can change the world.

i thought about the deep stuff that can be so far deep inside of us
we don't know what's goin' on. and i thought about listening. and
i thought about the sacredness of listening.

what if an in-depth understanding of what's driving another person
isn't necessary to sit and talk about that very thing? what if in-depth
listening is? and what IS 'in-depth' listening?

i remember i used to have conversations where i 'left.' i could feel
it happen. i wasn't there anymore. i was so completely present that
it was like there wasn't a terri. there was something beyond. and
i'd hear myself talk and hear the words and think they were cool thoughts
 and they'd be new to me.....they were just kinda out there in
the world and by being so completely present, they came thru me.

i remember understanding that i was completely present and when i
was done, i had felt like i 'touched the source.'

i haven't done that in years.
wow.
i think my listening skills have gone way downhill.
and i have a hunch that in truly listening to another, you open the
doors to healing.

maybe we don't have to understand how it all works.
maybe we don't have to be trained in psychology to truly help each other.
maybe when we enter that space that's opened by truly listening with
no agenda at all but seeing the other...maybe then we enter another place.
and maybe that other place has healing just waiting for us.

i have no idea.
none.
just the hunch that there's a sacred world right in front of me that i'm missing
by the noise inside my own head. and i think i'm ready to quiet down for a bit
and explore.

epic

sometimes i just feel happy with us. and i just see how good we are for
each other. and how with the deep down stuff, we really are so alike. even
tho everything on our surface is way way different.

and sometimes i feel so frustrated and yeah, hurt.
or unseen. or something that feels really hard to get thru.

and these feelings go back and forth up and down and all around.

but there's something that happens when we work thru the hard stuff that
is beyond either the good or the hard - and i get a grin on my face as i
search for the right word and come up with 'epic.'

yeah.
i laugh.
it's epic.

there are moments i think that no one has ever experienced a love like this.
and yeah, i laugh at myself.
cause doesn't everyone feel like that when they're in love with someone?

but no, no, this is different, i argue.
and the i laugh again.
doesn't everyone argue that?
yeah.
silly grin.
i think they do.

so, how about this? for my life, my experiences, my existence on this planet
so far, what's between this guy of mine and me is epic.

and that doesn't mean it's easy. it's ever flowing into wonderful things.
ohmygosh, not by a long shot.
it means we are so incredibly human, flawed, and wounded and thru all
that stuff that we drag along with us, we so want to touch the love. and
together, in moments when it just doesn't seem like it will happen, it does.

that's the part that's epic.

we have all those really good, happy moments where you touch love.
the easy parts. we have those too.
but in the moments that hurt, that confuse, that open up the wounds and
make you bleed again....those moments where you don't think love can
really be.....we find it.

we find it. and we offer it. and we return it. and we become it.
it is those moments that our love is epic.

and in reflecting on that this morning, i am reminded of the dance between
darkness and light. it's so much deeper than i can understand. but i'm
starting to watch and see and accept that it's deeper than i know.

searching together

because of bone sighs, and just my personality in general,
i tend to talk to a lotta people about what's goin' on inside of them.
i thought that the big thing for me to pay attention to there is balance.
and it really is a big thing to pay attention to.
more than once i've crumbled under the weight of it all.
so i try to pay a lot more attention these days.

but as i get ready to step into some serious talks with a guy
who thinks so differently than i do, and is someone i just so wish
i could wave a wand for and make things better...i realize that
there's another thing equally as important as balance for me to remember -
and that's trust in the each person's process.

i very much want to head into this conversation with, 'look,
this is what i see. it's really obvious. if you just see this, it'll all
be okay.'

oh, yeah.......that's helpful.
like that'll go far.

so as i got on the treadmill this morning, i thought about it.
i just want to 'fix it' for him. and i know that's gonna do him
no good at all if i bring that attitude to the table.

so what attitude should i bring?

how about a trust in his process.
wouldn't that also be a big trust in him?
i do that with some of my women friends easily.
they may be going thru the hardest stuff of their lives, but i can stand
on the side and watch cause i believe in them and their process.
i know they're going where they need to go.

so i thought about that and why the difference in feeling this time.
and i have reasons and answers to that.....but doesn't matter...
cause i think the best thing i can hand him is the trust.
and truth is, i'm not sure how much i have here.

and so once again, reaching out to someone else helps me in my
own process. amazing how that works.
because noticing a lack of trust is a big thing.
figuring out why and working with that is a big thing.
growing your trust is a big thing.

something i wanted to work on this year was noticing how i worked -
how i reacted, when i trust, when i don't, why i do the things i do.
cause that seems to be necessary to understand in order to make the real
changes i want to make inside.

i smiled when i got to all this. cause something i've noticed about
these conversations i have. it's the ones where i'm searching and growing
as well that bring in the magic.

sitting down to learn together gets a whole lot further than 'look, here's
the answer.' which works well cause even when i think i have the answers,
oooops, i missed something. and besides, searching together is a whole
lot more fun.

pass the tea, we have talking to do....

hormones or progress...who can tell???

is it possible all of last year prepped me for this year?!
would that not be the coolest thing?!!
(is that an extra 'not' in there???)
'wouldn't that be the coolest thing' is what i'm trying to say!

i'm just sittin' down to dig into some work today.
it's sunday.
and i'm totally tickled to grab some time and get to it.

and totally grateful.
and my energy is up.
and i feel goooooooooood!~

i WANT to set the alarm clock tomorrow and get moving.
i WANT to exercise, and try a little harder and push a little more.
i WANT to eat right and stay away from the junk.
AND i WANT to work today!

it's not cause i 'should'....it's cause i WANT TO!
ohmygosh.

a corner has been turned.

i worked all last year towards this stuff.
could it be that it's actually kinda worked its way into me???

or could i just be on a hormonal high and it's all gonna crash by
wednesday???

sigh.
that could be too.
that could very well be.

but who cares?! cause i feel good!
and i want to start shouting to the heavens when i feel good.
i think that's a worthwhile plan.
the more we shout the more it'll spill all over us.
i think so, anyway.

and somehow doesn't that make room for all of us to feel good?
i don't know......but i think it might.

who knows.
but this i know.....
embracing the good can't be bad.

the art of intentions

intentions.
intentions.
intentions.

they just won't leave my mind.
and i'm so darn grateful for that right now.

so i lived a month of intentions without realizing i was doing that.
and my whole life got flavored extra great because of it.
and i figured i'd grab the coat tails of that, and ride along with it
this month. and i'm floored at the difference in my life.

but now....i see there's a whole 'art' of intentions.
of course there is.
isn't there an art to everything???

i've been doin' the daily intentions this week as a new years thing.
well, if intentions worked so well, let's incorporate daily intentions.
and yeah, that's fine.
but it's just like every other time i tried to 'use' intentions.
ho-hum. it's okay.

it's not like this zizzly zazzly stuff from last month. it's different.
WHAT'S the difference??? i keep wondering.
and the zizzly zazzly stuff is still there. but i know it's not from
the daily intentions.

so i don't know.
i really don't.

but what comes to mind is the intentions from last month,
and the ones that are still with me right now.
they are really general, but mean a lot to me.

the easy example is the first one i started with way back in november.
'i want to have a festive season.'
i REALLY REALLY did.
there had been too many past heartaches.
i wanted to just be FESTIVE.
thing to look at, i think is - i REALLY wanted it.

i wanted it enough that when i got landed flat on my back with some
hard stuff, i still kept my eyes on it.

bam! that's it, i think!

sometimes when things hit me hard, i want to wallow in it, or i want to be
angry, or i want to be sad, or i want to be anything but happy. i WANT
to react.

i mean, seriously, why else would we react?
we want it somehow.
and sometimes, when i'm real aware, i'll see that, know i'm choosing
whatever i'm choosing that's making me unhappy, but won't have the
strength to pull me out of that.

i don't have my eyes fixed anywhere but on the problem.

this time around, my eyes were fixed on the things i started listing -
festive, magic, laughter.

i didn't just think they'd be nice.
MY EYES WERE FIXED ON THEM.
and so was my heart.
so was my heart.

so.....there was some stuff mixed in the holiday season that sucked.
which is really great as i can look back at that and see how it all
went. when it happened, it sucked. trying to fix it sucked. so there was
sucky times in the holiday season.

but i wanted festive. so the sucky only stuck around for as long as
was necessary to figure it out, work thru it and go on. there wasn't
dwelling. there wasn't making it ruin the holidays. there wasn't making
it all what life was about.

it sucked.
i moved on.
to festive and laughter.

oh.my.gosh.

it's where my eyes and heart are focused.
and hello, terri, isn't that what intentions ARE?!!
focusing your eyes and your heart??!!!

daily intentions are nice. fine. good. yeah. uh huh.
and they're nice reminders for me. and i've been using
them as reminders.

but unless i focus my eyes and my heart on them,
they're just reminders.

i've seen my life enhanced with this stuff.
i've seen it.
i'm experiencing it.
i want to learn the art of it.
because truly, what an important art it is!!!

here's the kicker to it, that i think really needs looking at -
if you focus your eyes and your heart there, it has to be REAL.
you have to really want it.
and sooooo many times we trick ourselves about what we really
want.

we say we want happiness, while we hang on to the anger.
we say we want love while we hang on to the fear.
all that stuff.
and we aren't always honest with ourselves.
at least i'm not always.

so to be good at this, you have to really look at what you want.
and be honest about it.

nothing like learning an art that grows your soul.......
i am so in!

just plain ol' happy over here....

i'm happy right now.
and i want to honor that, write about it, and enjoy every second of it.

2011 was a hard year for me. even tho i got engaged!
that was such a highlight....but nothing seemed easy, doubts filled my
head a lot, and it was just plain ol' hard. finances and work ate at me
all year.

landing into the holiday season and stumbling on living with intentions
for a month really made an impact on me. i saw how those intentions
kept me focused and kept me from spinning inward in ways that aren't
good for me.

bob and i worked really hard at our relationship last year, all the way
up to the end of the year. and when the new year dawned, i felt like
we got somewhere. somewhere we needed to get. i feel a sense of relief
between us going into 2012.
and that work that we do together, inspires me to do a lot of inner work.
and somehow everything mixed together with those intentions, and
i feel like my head is in a good good spot right now. i feel relief, excitement,
and joy.

i came down to work this morning. my house is goofy and just not heated well.
and any heat i manage to get goin' seems to make it's way up to the attic.
which works good for noah and zakk's work day, but leaves things
pretty chilly here where i am.
i was gifted one of those microwave scarves...it has things you microwave and put
in the neck area and some hand warmer things that i slip in my sleeves at
my wrist. i've got slippers on, leg warmers on, several layers of shirts and i
throw a warm blanket over my lap. oh yeah...and i wear fingerless gloves!
there are moments it feels warm enough to take some of that stuff off, but
i usually work from morning to nite so sooner or later the chill comes back
and the stuff finds its way back on.

this morning as i wrapped the microwave scarf around my neck and slipped
those little thingies inside my sleeves....it felt so good. and i bopped down here
to work feeling like the luckiest person alive.

and then i stopped myself. and laughed.
you can't even heat your house right, terri. you have a blanket on your chair
to stay warm....you type in gloves.....your heating bill is a ton and yet you
still are cold. nothing's better with your finances, work is still all up in the air
for you. you have no security. and yet you're going to work down in the chilliness
with joy??? really gus???

and i smiled.
yeah.
cause i'm happy.
and that's where my head is.
in happiness.

i have my own house. and yeah, it's too hot in the summer and too cold in
the winter....but it's mine. i have a blanket and leg warmers and all kindsa cozy
things because bob gave them to me for xmas. i have someone who loves me.
i have a studio that's calling my name. i have a place that i work all day with
stuff i love. i have a pellet stove down there warming up part of it all and that
feels so good to go get next to during the day.

i'm happy.
my head's in a good place.
i want to live and trust and love and do what matters to me and believe in that
being enough. i want to bask in the joy of working so hard thru my personal
demons last year that, at least for now, i can feel progress. i want to enjoy
having a man in my life that is a man i admire and just plain ol' like... a man who
can actually do the work with me and hang in there....

i have a family who bears with the different room temperatures of the house
and roots me on with what i'm doing.

i have everything.
and i know it today.
and i'm happy and i want to embrace that as much as i can.
i want to dance with my happiness when it shows up.
i want to celebrate its presence.
and i want to honor all that is good in my life.........
and, that just happens to be one of my intentions i've been workin' with.
how cool is that?!

squeezin' your hand....

i've got hands on my mind.

the beauty and awesomeness of hands.

remember how when you were a teenager,
you saw flaws in every part of your body?
or at least i did.
some hangups i've dropped along the way -
like i'm okay with my elbows and wrists now.
i'm so laughing as i type that!
i actually didn't like my elbows and wrists at some point!
ohmygosh...
and yeah, i still have a lotta body hang ups i need to work on.

but something i've always liked, never had a problem with -
have been my hands.

i noticed yesterday the power of my hands in the visual i had
standing there with little terri....the hands were a big part of it.
i went back to that a lot thru the day.
i thought about all the big stuff in my life - the good and the bad -
and i saw my hands in the memories. they always play a part.

i'm a toucher.
i like to reach out and touch people.
i'm the one who touches your arm as i talk to you.
the one who puts her hands on your shoulders as she walks
behind your chair as you sit there.
the one who reaches over and pats your leg.

thru all the cyber connections i can't touch people.
so i visualize reaching my hands out and touching theirs.
holding hands.

i thought of my writing......
i have a piece called finger tip -


finger tip to finger tip, i long to reach out to you. to put the palm of my hand against your skin, i close my eyes and imagine you’re here –
and i wait for your return.


there's a part in the piece called 'i want,' that means a ton to me......

i want to fill with compassion and touch someone's face so gently that they can feel the caring in my fingertips.

hands....they reach out in joy, pain, sorrow, caring, happiness....
they open wide, they clench, they grasp, they massage, they caress,
they slap, punch and pummel, they tease, they soothe, they hold,
they scrub, they write, they carry my engagement ring, they paint,
they dig, they work, they play and they touch love.

somtimes, when i'm very lucky, i can feel love buzzing  right in the palm
of my hand. i really really can.

i'm in love with my hands today. i'm like a baby who found her feet.
well, i found my hands! i want to hold your hand, and hers, and his,
and theirs. i want to squeeze it and grin at you and let you know i care.
i want to slap your leg with laughter, and rub your arm with love.....

i want to touch the world today.
fingertip to fingertip.....

dreams, visuals and walks

okay.
that dream was weird.
and icky.
filled with ghosts from my past.

but it inspired some thinking...
which inspired some visualizing...
which had me standing hand in hand with little terri.

we had chosen our life. and we stood there facing it.
and so many people who had been in my life walked up to
where we were standing and kept on going. right past us.
then they sorta fell outta that patch we were on. like they
were falling out of our lives.

one after the other.

and i pictured little terri's face. and i pictured my face.
and the tears were streaming down our faces in the visual -
and down my face for real.

i squeezed her hand. tight. then i played with it a bit.
squeezed it in some sort of beat to make her smile.

we still had each other.
and that feeling just welled up inisde of me.

and then....the coolest part of the whole thing was lifting our faces.
we lifted our faces, chins up, forward...
like we were proud of who we were and where we were goin'.
and that feeling welled up inside of me.

i took this visual out on my walk and thought more about the dream.
the dream told me i was still believing the ghosts more than myself.
that i still followed their thinking a lot.
that i still tried too hard not to make waves.
that they were still part of my life.

i've been watching that lately, and knew it.
but the dream put it in pictures that i could really hold and see.

the visual gave me something to counter it.
standing there holding little terri's hand and squeezin' it and letting
her know she didn't lose me, was really powerful this morning.

i've been missing her a bit.
she's been getting bumped around and i think went into hiding.
i'm feelin' her again, and i'm seein' the work i need to do for her.
and i'm feelin' really ready to step a little further down the path -
chin up, head held high.

it's our life. hers and mine.
time to leave the ghosts behind - once again.

reaching up......

winter is hands down my favorite season.
and it finally felt a little wintery this morning.
the guys continue to run, so i've decided to get out there again too.
and i tell ya, it feels glorious! it is totally where i need to be.
and i'm so grateful to be out there again.

i looked at those bare tree arms against the sky and i just soaked them up.

ever since i was a kid, i thought that was a profound sight.
seeing those tree limbs just reaching up to the heavens...
it would just fill me with such awe that kinda just soaked right down
inside of me...and that feeling has never left me.

yesterday on facebook, i asked people what the best thing that
happened to them in 2011 was. and the whole range of answers
came in.....from love, to sobriety, to finishing goals in the faces
of huge challenges, to surviving.

 knowing some of the stories that were behind the comments,
 i truly felt humbled as i sat there and read them.

and they filled my mind as i walked and looked at those bare tree arms reaching...
reaching to the sky...to the heavens...to god.
and i thought of all the reaching that was done behind those comments
that i read. all the struggle and darkness and all the joy and happiness.
there was birth mentioned in those comments and love......good stuff
along with hard stuff.

reaching, reaching.......all the arms reaching......for help, in happiness
and joy, in fear.......

the whole mix again.
i keep noticing the mix.

i decided i didn't want to 'conquer' my day today.
i wanted to watch it, live it, enjoy it, and reach to the heavens in
all kindsa ways today......but especially in gratitude.

definitely especially in gratitude........

our year in review...

noah just got our 'year in review' up on the site.
it's terri style...a total ramble.
but if you're in the mood,
come on by and check it out!

sharing......

i started a 'curl in and relax' book.....
it's called 'a secret gift' -

the guy is writing about his grandfather who gave secret donations
out in the depression. i haven't gotten very far yet, but i'm looking
forward to this one.

this hit me a lot and i wanted to share......
he's kinda mixing back then's depression with our economy now.
mixing the greed of both times, the government bail outs....all that.......

'But it was the smallness of B.Virdot's gift - a mere five dollars -
that was its magic, not an act of governmental grandiosity but
a gesture of human compassion.....'

'It was precisely that, it's puniness and its purity, which gave it its
trans formative power, then and now. it was too small to put even
a dent in the Great Depression but just enough to fend off the sense
that no one cared and nothing could be done. For one moment, in
one forgotten town, one man managed to shrink the vastness of the
Depression to a human scale.'

i thought it was something to really hold........
about the light we bring into the world........
and i wanted to share.......

trusting the blue.....

i got sad last nite.
blue.

just blue.

there were several reasons for it.
and i was just blue.

i went up to sit by the christmas tree and work on my
intentions and resolutions and i thought about how it was
kinda cool to bring the 'blueness' to that.

cause what i'm trying to shoot for as goals need to be things
that will withstand the blue periods. so it's kinda cool to
bring that mood into the mix and see how it fit.

and somewhere in the middle of all that, i stopped myself and
realized i was using the blue mood.
i was trusting it and working with it.

ha! go figure.
it's not just the good moods i'm trusting.......

what a really cool thing to see.

back at it....

wow.....
my body really wants to know what hit it this morning.
first an alarm clock???
then exercising??

well...barely exercising......more to come tho.
but my body was in shock on that treadmill.

ohmygosh.......
i can't get over how it feels like i've never exercised a day in my life.
and it's not like i was ms. limber running twenty miles a day when i started out.

actually, it's kinda cool to see, cause i never really felt 'fit'.....
but now i see how just UNfit i can really feel.
so while never 'fit'......definitely more fit than today's unfit.

and there's a point to this ramble while i wait for the light to go
OUTSIDE FOR MY WALK! (yes, i've taken them back!!! -
well, with the help of my sons....)

i'm thinking the inner work is the same as the outter work.
you keep at it and you don't realize how 'fit' you are...
or maybe more like......how UNfit you really can be. but if
you stop and just go lazy...it's not the thing to do.

i've got a ton of catching up to do....inner work, outter work,
and work work.

it's gonna be good to catch up......

here's to it all......

it was one of the best days of the year.
it truly was.

headin' down town to see one of the coolest exhibits i've ever
seen, was an extra treat as josh was with bob and i.
the banter between those two just makes me laugh and shake my head.
it was light and fun and happy. exactly what the doctor ordered.

the exhibit - a room completely transformed into a magical fairy land,
hit the 'little terri' part of me i had been trying so hard to find the last
few days. she was there, wide eyed and completely present.

i reveled in all the feelings that were going on inside of me.
and for a little bit there, there was no question in my mind that magic
was indeed part of life. it wasn't even something i questioned -
i just knew it. and i knew little terri was right there with me.

coming out into the air and heading towards the car, i didn't
even have words for how much the exhibit thrilled me.

we stopped to see the MLK memorial.
and carved on the walls where you could walk around were some of
his famous quotes.

when i got to these two, i just stopped and took them in.
i thought of all the stuff that happens to me that knocks these beliefs around
inside of me - and then i tried to imagine all that dr. king had seen -
and i wondered how he could hang on to these beliefs.
and i just stood there in awe at that idea.

i believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love
will have the final word in reality. this is why right,
temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

darkness cannot drive out darkness,
only light can do that.
hate cannot drive out hate,
only love can do that.


i knew these were two quotes i wanted to take into the new year with me.
josh walked by, saw me standing there and stopped and read them with me.
he stood and held them with me. and i felt so lucky to have him for a son.

driving home, the laughter filled the car up until it almost burst.
there was mentions of stomachs hurting from laughter,
and i leaned against bob with total delight as josh drove along with
such a smile on his face.

there was a sharing of hearts over a much needed lunch.  an opening and
a vulnerability that if a family's really lucky, they can share when one of
the group is hurting. he had come sad, and unable to smile. he left still
sad, but the last thing i heard from him was a laugh as he got in his car.

there was popping in on the neighbor's party and shouting to be heard
over the festive ruckus and feeling welcomed into their extended family,
and feeling the bond of being neighbors so long and watching our kids
grow up. hugging him happy new year, feeling grateful he was here and
workin' hard to fight his illness.

and then to return to the quiet house and have zakk goof in such a way
that i almost fell outta my chair laughing. only to welcome the new year
in moments later.

the old year ended with such delight, such love, such a sense of family.

and, oh yeah, even in that incredible mix, there was some stuff that was hard.
bob had to leave early because of it. and i felt sad watching him head out.
and yet, i knew it was all part of it.

the incredible mix.
it was still there. right smack in the middle of one of the best days of
the year. right smack in the middle of the last day of the year.
and here it is, right smack in the middle of the first day of the new year.

that's life, isn't it?
and how lucky we are to head into this new year, with the incredible
mix of it all. the laughter, the hugs, the teasing, the sadness, the craziness,
and the hard stuff we just can't quite figure out........

here's to the new year...
may we hold every part of it as sacred.
happy new year!