the cover!

i mentioned the cover noah was workin' on the
other day...

we put together a 'bone sigh journal'....
it's at the printer's now.

i had to share the final cover........

i am SOOOOOOOO thrilled!

does noah rock, or does noah rock?!!

two great thoughts

i just popped on my daily love email and got this
quote from joseph campbell:

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."

awesome, huh?

and i keep thinking of what my friend said on the phone the other day...
'whatever form it takes.'

i want to feel gratitude for the gifts in my life
in whatever form they take........

carryin' these thoughts with me today.........

drinkin' my water...

ahhh man....
i don't know where i'm at.
i've been doin' great. really good. concentratin'
on what i need to, good attitude, no fears, stuff
not bothering me (too much)....

and then yesterday this tiny little voice said
'you know, nothing's changed, it's all gonna fall
on your head in just a bit....'

ahhhhhh man.
i told that voice it was wrong and hushed it.
heard it again later and had a bit more trouble
tellin' it it was wrong.

then a bad dream to back it all up.

ahhhhhh man.

so i walked.
this is a big deal for me right now as i hurt my foot.
a walk around the block is a long walk.
which is a drag.
but today, i went TWICE around that block!
which felt like heaven.
well, a tender footed heaven.

i decided how i wanted to handle this was just be
healthy today. that was it.
just be healthy.
gonna eat healthy, think healthy, and do things that
feel healthy.

and let the rest take care of itself...

a quick good morning

some mornings you just wake up right.

the nite was cool and delicious, sleeping
sound a wee bit longer thanks to no alarm.
when i woke up, i smiled at the clock and hopped
outta bed.

lookin' out the window i soaked in the air.

i was later than usual, so i wasn't gonna stop
and say good morning to the world.
but i couldn't resist.

'just a quick one.' i thought, as i grabbed a
cup of water and stepped out on my front stoop.

i sat down next do a daddy long legs.
and looked up at the sky.

you could hear the acorns dropping across the street.
that intrigued me. i got caught up in that.
there really were a lot of them.
then all the sounds.
wow, can you really hear traffic!
i tune that out all the time.
wow.
you can really hear that.

i went back to lookin' at the sky....

somehow or another my thoughts rambled to some stuff
that had been hurting me a lot a few months back.

this morning it didn't hurt.
i smiled.
i had tucked it all in my cave.
and it honestly wasn't botherin' me at all this morning.
i remembered one of my favorite phrases -
'it's like a big so what.'

i know that everything has come together for me to feel
this way this morning, including a good nite's sleep
with cool air blowin' thru the windows. i know that.
and i know things cycle and change and i'll be back
around to the hurt at another time.

but this morning it's a big so what.

and i thought of my life.
and i thought of all the amazing amazing good in it.
and i thought of the people who can't see that.
wow.
too bad for them, i thought.
and i really meant it.
too bad for people who can't see.

too bad.

but then again....
it's really just a big so what.

i thanked the universe for my life, finished
my water and scooted in to relish one heck of
a delicious day.

whatever form it takes....

oh my gosh, i know some wise wonderful women!

actually was doin' business with one of them,
but we sidetracked over to the personal...

and she said something i loved.
actually she said a lotta things i loved.
but this one i wrote down....

her life is good, way good.
describing it in a delicious way, i knew that
she had deep gratitude for her life. and i loved
that.

and as she was telling me about a situation in
her life that would make me hop up and down and
want more...she calmly and happily told me that
it was gift in whatever form it takes.

it was a gift in whatever form it takes.

how totally awesome is that?!
i leaned back in my chair.
it was not lost on me that i have not seen things in
my life that way that i really really wish i had.

so i jotted down on my desk 'whatever form it takes'
so that i could remember my gratitude, and my gifts,
and not need them to be more than they already are.

great concept, don't ya think?

and there she was just spouting it off easily and naturally.

i really know some really cool women......

a poem

check this out.......this just completely rocks!

and NO! i didn't write it! ah, but if i only did....
this is from hafiz....

What
We speak
Becomes the house we live in.

Who will want to sleep in your bed
If the roof leaks
Right above
It?

Look what happens when the tongue
Cannot say to kindness,

"I will be your slave."

The moon
covers her face with both hands

And can't bear
To look.

a gentle breeze

gosh it's soft outside.
breezy, gray and soft.

i sat outside on my stoop saying good morning
to the world, thinking my thoughts, and just
bein' gentle with myself.

i watched the clouds blow by up in the sky.
they were movin' really fast.

kinda like life, i thought.

it reminded me of some quiet time i stole yesterday.

i knew i just needed some time to sit with my
thoughts, so i grabbed some mindless work,
cozied myself in, and just let myself ponder.

i was wonderin' what it was all about again.

i've been busy.
workin' hard.
and i wondered what that was all about...
well, besides payin' the bills.
which is really what a lot of the work has been about.
what's it about beyond that?

so, okay, maybe i'll never get what it's all about.

but i did understand what i've learned before...
that whatever it's about, it's got to include the moments.
that the responses in all the millions of moments are what
makes the differences in our lives.

i closed my eyes as the wind blew across my face
and thought of the moments.
and i thought of my cave.

of how i've put everything in there.

no....not everything.

i never put my sons in that cave, did i?
i put everyone in my life in there, all my beliefs,
all that i do...i put all that in the cave.
but not my sons.

'did you put your arm in the cave, ter?' i asked myself.
'how about your feet?'
'the guys are just as much a part of you as your limbs are.
you didn't need to put them in.'

and i thought of that. and smiled. that right there is enough
to say i'm the luckiest person alive. i filled with that feeling.

i pictured sitting outside the cave.
everything was in the cave and i could just relax on the
outside. feel the breeze, watch the sky, enjoy the moment.
and feel gratitude.

and that's all i did.

and it felt perfect.

how nice to have a cave to hold your cares for awhile.
how nice to sit outside it...and just be.

prefection?? HOW do you spell that?!

on the slim chance you don't know about brene brown
and her blog (and her books!!) you are definitely gonna
want to check this woman out!

i stopped by her blog today and saw her protest against
perfection! what fun! who could resist!

altho, i gotta say, my first thought was that i don't get
too hung up on perfection. i make too many mistakes to
go that route. (just ask me how many typos customers have
pointed out to me over the years...or how many mistakes
have turned into art....)

and while this is true with a whole lotta my life...
i've become a queen of turning blunders into endearments...
it's not the whole picture by any means.

oh no.

so the first thought got countered by the second and third
thoughts...

there are things i just try so so hard at and when i can't
'get it right' the frustration level is so high.
and the amount of kicking myself is wayyyy not okay.

friends will tell me, 'terri, ease up on yourself. you're
human, remember?'

i'll reluctantly hear them...and sooner or later their
message will sink in. well...usually...

unless of course, it has anything to do with my body image
and then i just shut the door on their wisdom and continue
to kick myself.

i think in whatever form it comes out, we all have some
sort of problems with perfection. with that ideal. with
whatever that thing is that's stuck in our head.

and i love brene's protesting of it!
i love the opening of the opportunity to look at it today.
where is it in your life?
and is it time you protested it?
anddddddddd..........would you like to make your own sign
and join in the fun???

just go over to brene's blog and follow her lead!

i couldn't resist this shot of mine!
it felt so perfectly imperfect!
and for those who can't read that sign??
it says:
'prefection - how do you spell that?'

the estrogen support network

silliness is in the air!

if you get a chance, head on over to the
home page of bone sigh arts and click
on the weekly recording.
it'll give you the whole story to this fun
stuff i want to start over on bone sighs' face book
page!

here's our little logo for it...
and i'm proud to say it was all bob's idea!

we'll be posting questions over there now and then.
stuff i'd love to get some input about.
stuff i'd go to my girlfriends about.
and we'll be calling this the estrogen support network!
and yeah, guys are welcome too!
they just have to have a good sense of humor!

i love stuff like this......

here's to a little fun, a little sharing, and some
good connecting!

inner stuff

there's something i've been thinking about for days.
but i just don't know how to put it into words so
that it comes out exciting instead of pathetic!

but what the heck...gonna try anyway.
remember.....this is exciting....NOT pathetic.

it was sparked by some show i was watchin'.
in some scene, the guy's dad dies and he goes
off to 'handle it.'

that was it.

i watched it and yeah, as i watched, i thought of
my own dad and my own goin' off to do what i had
to do. my own 'handling it.'

well, when i got into bed that nite, i lay down
in the dark, all snuggled in and....well...here's
the part i don't know how to explain...

it wasn't like my inner child part came out.
it wasn't like that.
it wasn't like there was a PART of me that was
a child.
it was like ALL of me.
except maybe for this tiny part that was watchin'.

it was like i was a kid.
i could just totally feel it.
and this kid just wasn't believin' that her dad
was really gone. 'he can't be, he's my dad. he can't
be.'

that kinda feelin'.

there were a couple really cool 'in the moment' things here.

one, i recognized it immediately and was totally surprised,
but opened to it.

and two....it wasn't a negative thing.
it wasn't a poor me, kinda thing.
it was different.

and that kid lay there and thought about how he really was
her hero.

and the part of me that was allowing this watched.
i wasn't doin' the adult thing i had been doin' all along
of seein' him as a guy with some stuff in his own life that
affected how he was and blah blah blah explainin' it all
to myself so it didn't hurt so bad.

i just remembered my hero.
and i cried and said he couldn't really be gone.

logic left.
and the love of a child entered.

the love of a child.

and the love of a child blew the doors off all the explanations
and mature thinking and understanding.

and i knew i needed this.

it's been almost four years. i had to stop and figure out
how long it's been. and the way i mark it is by a loss the
following year. how weird is that? i don't even know the year,
but i count back to another tragedy and add a year.

wow, look at that....i typed 'another tragedy.'
yeah, losin' my dad without ever having 'fixed it' feels like
a tragedy.

anyway...
almost four years.
it took that long for this part of me to really be seen.
it took that long for me to stop taking care of everyone else,
for me to stop wandering around in the mid-life darkness,
for me to stop tryin' to explain it all into something okay.

and it felt so good.
just to feel what i honestly felt at some level.
i'm not done with this.
gonna walk and be with that little girl.
and i'm excited about this.

i think because it shows me just how much there is inside us.
and how time doesn't really matter.
it stays in there and waits for us.

and it hands me some stuff that i cherish.
the ability to remember and feel what a hero he was to me.
even after all the hurt is said and done.
that is still there.

and i think that's really really cool.

love is one heck of a strong thing.
sometimes i like that.
sometimes i don't.
mostly i do tho.....

table slapping fun

as i walked by the kitchen this morning,
i glanced over at the table.
it was cleared and cleaned up, but it
still had that gathering feeling from last
nite. i smiled the second i saw it.

i kept walking, and kept smiling.

i haven't laughed so hard around our table in
awhile like i did last nite.

everything came together for a really good
laughing session.

everything.

and i gotta say, it's been awhile since i've
seen every one of us laugh this much.

it was like i could do a camera shot in my head
of everyone of us, and i could see a shot of
each face laughing hard.

there was that family magic goin' on.
the rhythm, the teasing, the inside jokes.

i can say things with these guys that i can't say
anywhere else. we all can. i even shocked bob last
nite, which is rare, and extremely fun.

i've talked about it before...the safe place that
makes it possible...

but i'm not sure it's really dawned on me before
like it did this morning...

it's something that we created.

yeah.
i know.
that's one of those 'duh' statements.

but at the same time, it's not for me.
it's really important.

i thought it was 'family.'
i thought it was the magic of family knowin' each other
and the dance between members.

but i didn't have this growin' up.
it wasn't a safe spot.
there wasn't total freedom in joking.
there were undercurrents and anger stuff and teasing
that hurt.

i know that.
i know i never experienced anything like this stuff
before. and i really understood that it is more than
just 'bein' family.' it's something we have all created.

there's a respect all around that table everyone has for
each other.

my gosh.

i remember meeting an older couple once at a party.
they impressed me as i felt they truly loved each other.
as i watched and listened to try to figure out some key
to their beauty, what i came away with was 'respect.'
i saw how much they respected each other.

and this morning, that's what occurred to me....
it's the respect along with the love.
you gotta have that respect.

my gosh.
and when you do.....oh the fun you can have!
table slapping fun.

that's really hittin' me this morning......

with gratitude

it was a large room. there were a few thin, more-for-show
than-anything walls.

it was a room full of art i just wasn't into.

i love the art galleries. i really do.
we all enjoy them.that's why we were there.
but it really struck me how pretentious some of this
whole deal was. and it hit the goofy kid streak in me.
i didn't want to just swallow the pretentious and nod.
i wanted to make a raspberry noise at some guy givin'
a tour. truly, i wanted to roll my eyes and make noises.

i didn't tho.

i was tryin' to behave.
whisper, be respectful. all that.

but when i sat on a bench behind one of those thin walls
josh said something to me. we started out whispering.
we did. but we got louder and louder.
he was making me laugh.

we started carryin' on more and more. zakk on one side
of me, noah on one side of josh. josh and i were making
all the noise, but noah and zakk were eggin' us on.

i didn't even think about the other people on the other
side of that thin-doesn't-reach-all-the-way-across wall.

as i was leaning back in sheer enjoyment, laughing,
i saw him.

the guard.

uh-oh.

i put my hand over my mouth.
looked properly remorseful and got quiet.

he went back around the wall.

my eyes got big and i looked at the guys.
opps.

THAT was one of my favorite moments.

later, at home he called.
he was out of town and fillin' me in on his meeting.
how he gave a technical talk about the satellites.
i loved hearin' about it. when he was all done
i was proud to tell him that i saw some satellites too!
told him about my stop in at the air and space museum.
how it was soooo much more fun with my camera!
how i went straight to the satellites cause you know why??

'cause you were thinking of me.'

well, that too...........but why else.......

'cause you wanted to feel a bond between us.'

well, that too.........but why else..........

'how many reasons could there be for you to go see
a satellite??'

'cause they have that shiny, crinkly gold on them! makes
for GREAT pictures!'

i was thrilled.

'and you SHOULD SEE what great pictures i got!'

he laughed. i could picture his face with that laugh.
'that is so you and me' he said with enjoyment.
him with the technical, me with the colors.

i laughed too.
it really was.
and i liked that.

in the dark, josh and i walked outta the grocery store.

we had been gathering birthday dessert.
the guys have long since stopped wanting me to bake a cake.
hmmmmm.......yeah, i know.
i didn't think they were that bad!!!

walking out of the store, into the nite,
there hung the biggest most gorgeous orangish moon.

we both just stopped in our tracks.
right there stepping off the curb into the parking lot.

woooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

we both just stopped and looked.
and gasped.
and made noises.
and the inside of me filled so full i felt like i'd pop.

coming home with bags of goodies to zakk and noah
there was joyful chattering and figurin' out what was next.
the teasing, the jostling.

there was the oohing about the moon from the living room window,
the talk of what the next year would bring for noah.
the laughter, the brainstorming, the budgeting thru the whole
day and still having fun. the sitting around the table talking
and laughing. the gratitude each one of us was holding.

there was so much packed into that one day.

and it's days like that i remember.
i remember what it's all about.
i remember what matters.
i remember how lucky i am.

mister noah

twenty two years ago one of the most gentle souls
landed on the planet...

my son, noah, was born!!!!

here's a story which may not make sense to anyone
else but me as an example of how cool he is...
but to me, it's just so noah.

i was tryin' to work hard yesterday so i could take off
today. but i tell ya, by the time evening hit, i couldn't
take it anymore. i lay flat on my studio floor and groaned.

noah and zakk were hangin' out in there with me also working.

we decided we needed a 'west wing' break.
i'm in love with that show and noah has that on dvd's.

the guys have the tv.
they bought it one day in a revolt against the 'little' thing
i had in the closet.
they bought a flat screen thing for their office.
thing is....their office is in the attic and it got hot again.

so if we were gonna watch, they'd have to bring it downstairs.

and so they did.

i flopped myself down on the couch as zakk was firing it all up.

it was 'choppy' at first.
so i teased zakk about that.
'choppy, zakk.'

it gives me great pleasure to say stuff like that to zakk.

as we were waiting for zakk to adjust it all,
noah turns to me and says 'mom, do you get what's goin' on
here?'

of course, i didn't.

and noah explained to me that zakk had the tv connected
to his lap top which was hooked up to the wireless computer
in the attic which was all being controlled by his phone or
something like that! lol!

there zakk sat workin' it all with his phone!

noah was so impressed with zakk.
as i was after noah explained it all to me.

noah didn't want me to miss what a cool thing it was that
zakk was doin'.

THAT is noah.

he didn't want me to miss his brother's creative genius
stuff. and he gently pointed it out and delighted in
both my reaction when i figured it out, and in zakk's
doin' it in the first place.

i love that about him.

he can truly delight in other's talents.
even to the point of pointing them out so others
don't miss them!!

that is something so beautiful to watch.
i think that just says a ton about someone.

we'll be celebrating him today!
truly one of the most gentle, shining stars on the planet.

happy birthday, noah!

it's all good...maybe

in my quieter, much calmer place, i sit and think
of something that happened the other nite.

i woke up in the middle of the nite thinking.
sometimes my dreams will do that to me, they'll
stir me up, i roll over and jostle myself enough
to start thinking...and then i'm awake thinking
and thinking.

usually those thoughts don't get me anywhere good.
they're the middle of the nite thoughts that drag
me all around. and then in the morning, i discard
them all anyway, so it's like they're there just
to take me for a ride.

something different happened the other nite.
oh, they took me for a ride.
but somewhere in that ride an insight came.

an insight came to me about my inner workings,
things that were limiting me, and why.

i'm not even sure how to put it out here. and that's
not the point in this blog...altho, i'm sure it will
tumble out sooner or later.

the point to this blog is the layers inside us.

i saw some deep stuff.
stuff i hadn't recognized before.
stuff i needed to work with.
stuff i don't know how to work with.
stuff that i know will bring me further down the road
i want to go if i face it.

but what impressed me so much was that as i get stronger
and grow, the stuff to face doesn't stop. it just gets
deeper.

i think what impressed me so much about the other nite
was two things...

i'm an unending source of stuff to face.

and this time when i felt that, it didn't so much worry
me or scare me or discourage me...it amazed me that i've
gotten to this deep of a place. i see that this will never
stop, and there's a depth that i can't even imagine. and
if i'm lucky, i'll keep headin' into it. if i'm lucky, it
will all keep swirling. cause it's in that swirling that
i travel down deeper.

and i think that the way it came up, the way i looked at
it, the way i held it, even tho i have no idea what to do
with it....is all new. different. stronger. like i can
tackle bigger projects inside.

i felt that. don't know why.
was just a feeling.

between those two things, i've been kinda intrigued.

somehow i guess i thought being healthy and strong meant
you faced all your stuff and you were 'good to go.' you
were done facing stuff.

i'm thinking maybe being healthy and strong is way different
than that. i'm thinking it's the willingness to face
this stuff as it comes.

it's not about the stuff.
it's about the reaction to the stuff.

that's kinda big news to me.
i guess i maybe knew that.
but not quite like i do this morning.

and i think of that silly phrase 'it's all good.'

and i smile.......
yeah. maybe. just maybe it is.

a toast

okay, this just keeps making me laugh.....
it's too good not to share.

my hormones have been crazy.
just crazy.

i have been intense about everything.
every emotion intense.
just off kilter goofy.

i have been soooooo waiting for my period to
come along and balance me out.
truly, it's the time of my cycle i am the
most peaceful and profound.

well, thank goodness, it came!

ahhhhhh.......

i was feelin' so good about this.
and yes, i could feel a change inside me.
nowhere near as intense and nutso.

i took my glass up to the guys' studio
as they had something up there i wanted to
drink!

i stood there in between their two desks with
this glass with ice in it in my hand.

they looked up and said 'hey, mom, how you
doin'?'

and i sighed and said with much emphasis....
'ohhh SO much better. i got my period.'

and without even blinking, they both, at the
same time, picked up their cups on their desk
and clinked my cup as if we were toasting the
period....AND the END of the intense craze.

i laughed and laughed.

'no! that's not why i came up!'

and they looked confused.

i laughed some more.

'i came up for a drink!!'

and then we all laughed.
they honestly thought i was there to toast
my period!

that just keeps making me laugh and laugh.
AND they went along with it without even hesitating.

honest to pete, i have got the best sons on the
planet!

stars inside her

i'm workin' on a bone sigh journal right now.
something to offer for bone sigh arts.
and i asked noah to do the cover.....

so of course, we have to have a title.......

i used to have a book called 'the stars inside her.'
that was years and years ago. it was a handmade book.

the title came from a story of a woman who lost her
daughter and the daughter loved stars. she was the
reason i put the book together in the first place,
and the title was in her daughter's honor.

years and years later,
when we started doin' the printed books, everything
changed, and we lost that title....

when it came time to title the journal, nothing
seemed more fitting than 'stars inside her.'

especially now with all this star talk i do.

noah and i talked about the cover....tough one to
do....unless you're noah!

he came down last nite and said he wasn't sure about
what he was getting and would i come give input.
of course!
i walked up to his computer and was speechless.
i just sat and stared. i couldn't believe what he
had done. even tho i knew the plan, i couldn't believe
it when i saw it.

now....he's not done. and he keeps telling me that.
but i don't care. i wanted to share anyway......
this will change a bit......there's the title and that
kinda thing......and colors are subject to change....
but who cares........
you need to see this.

i am posting it because i don't think i can post
any words to express what i feel like this picture
does.

i wanted to remind everyone today that there are
stars inside you......and i wanted to remind me
of that too.....

a josh day!

shall we make it a josh day???

just when i gave up waiting for him to post
that song......he posted it!

so i wanted to share that here.

and then, i swear, i'm done with my son!
jeesh, i went from a remiss mom to a
'wanna see my photographs??' mom!

sorry about that......

but THIS one is my favorite.

it's josh dealin' with some suicides that
he's had close in his life...

and it really gets to me........

here's the lyrics:

"Seems like the winter's cold 'cause you're gone
The frost is thick, and the nights are long
The ones who are left gather round the fire
And start to share the stories of the survivors

And the vapor from our breath seems to freeze in a question mark

(Chorus)
Tell me what the voices say
'Cause the Good Lord's Lasso take 'em all away
Tell me how to rescue you
'Cause the Good Lord's Lasso is tried and true
Yeah tell me what I can do
So the man upstairs don't lasso you

Is all they'll remember is your smile?
Or how you used to chat for a while?
Huh, seems like folks should pay more attention sometimes
Play that violin all day long
Now all that's left is a song
And I'll always have that day burned in my mind

and here's the link!

my son again!

okay you guys.......i soooooo hope this thing links.......
cause i have a link for you!

THIS is josh!
this made me belly laugh.

this is my oldest son, the entertainer.........

my son!

i truly feel like a remiss mother over here!

thing is, i have an excuse.
i've been waiting for josh to put up my favorite
song on youtube so that i can link it here.
it's on his to-do list, but there's a lot on
that list. and since i'm feelin' like if i wait
much longer i'll just not be able to dig outta
the remiss hole here, i have got to at least
share his new site with you!

josh has been workin' hard, really hard, on creating
his own cd.

the guy created everything on it and recorded it in
his own studio. he did all the instruments and the
whole deal.

i am soooo proud of him.

and then he designed his whole crazy website!
noah put it together so it'd actually get on line
and stay there, but josh did all the rest.

it has been quite the project, and amazing watchin'
all the work that's gone into it.

so! it's about time i shared that crazy, talented
son of mine.......

OH NO! it didn't link!
oh man. it just left it blank!
okay, you gotta go manually do this, folks.
laughin' over here.....

www.JoshUrban.com

the similarity of the differences

yes, i've made no secret of the fact that at times
our differences can drive me nuts. frustrate me, and
make me pull my hair out.

and then there are times i love the differences.
they make me laugh and delight me.

there was a moment recently that made me laugh
and wish i had it recorded.

he grew up jewish.
i grew up catholic.
neither of us practice either faith any more.
and both of us only retain bits and pieces of
all those things we had learned so long ago.

since it was yom kippur the other day, i asked
him about it. what exactly it was.

when he answered 'the jewish new year.' i rolled
my eyes.

nooooooooo that was rosh hashanah, i said.

'oh yeah.' he said.
and then corrected himself to tell me of the day
of atonement.

this all led into one heck of a religious conversation.

you've got an addle brained ex-catholic talking to
an addle-brained ex-jew.
we both know just enough to be dangerous.

the conversation ended with me jabbin' him with one
of those 'YOU people....' comments and him jabbin'
back with 'at least WE...' comments.

i think i like those moments so much because there is
such total acceptance. we couldn't joke like this if
there wasn't. and when we actually share our stuff that
we grew up with, in the differences, i see our
similarities.

in those times, i see how alike we are.
in those moments, the differences actually aren't
differences at all. and i love that part.

a pretty good start

i was trying to think of a way to express something
that i feel like i saw this weekend.
can't say i 'learned' it....as i don't have
that much confidence in myself.
but i did see it.

it's about love.
and it's about getting beyond yourself.

and i thought....how do i explain what i mean
so that it doesn't sound like i'm sayin' give
yourself away, and don't pay attention to yourself??

and i really felt i had no adequate way to say what
i felt.

and then......i read one poem this morning.
one poem.

and i shook my head.

amazing.

it said it for me.

okay.
this is it.
this is what i saw this weekend.
this is what i wanted to describe.

it's a poem by hafiz:

Love is
The funeral pyre
Where I have laid my living body.

All the false notions of myself
That once caused fear, pain,

Have turned to ash
As I neared God.

What has risen
From the tangled web of thought and sinew

Now shines with jubilation
Through the eyes of angels

And Screams from the guts of
Infinite existence
Itself.

Love is the funeral pyre
Where the heart must lay
Its body.

>>>

i sit here and wish i could say i've 'learned' it.
and then again, i shake my head.

ter, what is wrong with you?
at least you can say you've seen it, you've touched
it and you understand the poem.

that's a pretty good start......

one heck of a rock tumbler!

i learned something that really matters.

i'm not sure how to put it out here. i am so
filled with a thousand different thoughts.

gonna try to be practical and bottom line it.

nah, forget that. i so can't bottom line it.
i gotta ramble.

the cave.
(if you haven't been followin' the cave, and want
to follow this post, scroll down and read the
past cave blogs.)

i've been putting a whole lotta stuff in there.
that's the idea.
and up until yesterday, only one thing's come back
into my hands to hold.

bone sighs.
i already told ya that.

what i didn't realize in any articulate way was
that all the 'strings' of bone sighs stayed in the cave.
strings aren't sparkling gems.
strings are strings.
they're the things that get in the way, and cover
up the gem.

they're things like worrying about finances,
worryin' about how to make it all work.
worry.
frustration.
those things.......
strings.

when bone sighs came to me out of that cave, it
was just the heart of bone sighs.
THAT is the gem.

the other stuff is stuff i need to leave in the cave.
and i felt like i did.

well....something else came to me out of that cave.
sparkling like the diamond it is.

my guy.

yeah.

but without the strings.

there have been a whole lotta strings coverin' up my
guy lately.

and i didn't realize it.

but now i do.

and the cave holds the strings.
i hold my guy.

and thru both these things, i saw how the strings
can keep us from the true beauty.

and now that i think about it.....that loss i mentioned
the other day......the loss to suicide.....
not wanting to put that down in the cave because i felt
like i might lose her for good if i set her down.

what i now understand is, that's how i'll really gain her.

set her down in the cave.

and let the strings fall off to the floor.
those strings of guilt. those strings of ick.

and just find her essence. that will be what i end up
holding.

how do i get so lost in the strings that i forget the gold?
or the diamonds...or the gems....or whatever treasure it is...
how do i get so lost in those strings?

i think there's a million different ways.
there's preoccupation with things that don't matter.
there's hurt and reactions to hurt.
there's just thinking about myself and not anyone else.
there's guilt.
there's confusion, frustration, worry.
there's a million different ways to create strings...

and i think what has happened is my life got covered in them
lately. just covered.

and now, i'm looking at the cave as my gigantic washing machine.
washin' the strings off my gems.

oh! it's like a gigantic rock tumbler!!!!

oh! that's what it feels like today.

and i guess what i wanted to say is this....
the strings don't matter.
but we forget. or at least i do.
and sometimes that's what i'm lookin' 'at.
not at what's under the strings.

and maybe i need to remember.
thought maybe someone else might too........

lava lamps!

there's a family dynamic around here that helps
to understand.

josh and i have some major child like behavior as
part of our personalities.

noah and zakk do not.

this makes for some interesting moments.
and some interesting combinations between us all.

noah and zakk had been busy all day cleanin' out
the attic so they could get back up there pretty soon.
that's where they work during the cooler months.

josh stopped by on his way home from work.

i was in the kitchen when i heard noah ask josh if he
wanted their old lava lamps.

exactly at the same time josh was enthusiastically
responding yes, absolutely, i was shouting from the
kitchen 'i want a lava lamp!!'

and the kid personalities took over.
i rushed over to the living room where josh and i
ohhed and ahhed over lava lamps. both so excited about
them.

josh graciously agreed i could have one.

which color???

and i graciously accepted the color of the one he offered
as he already had that color.

rushing off to my room with it i kept delighting out loud:
'i have a lava lamp! i always wanted a lava lamp!'

noah and zakk were stunned.
they were gonna toss them out.
it was just a side thought to ask josh about them.
they had no idea they'd create a delighted ruckus.

and a ruckus it was.
it was as if you gave josh and i a huge huge treasure.
which is exactly what they did!

at some point as we all sat around waiting for my new lava
lamp to warm up and get movin', it occurred to me:
'you guys are gonna want these back cause EVERYONE loves
a lava lamp. we'll just keep them for you til you're ready
to take them back, okay? they're still yours.'

they felt confident that would be fine.
and i kept sayin' over and over 'i always wanted a lava
lamp!' and just smiling with delight.

i told them the story of how i slept in one of their rooms
one nite years ago when we had company.
i wanted to kill the company. i had had it.
i couldn't take any more.
so i went into their room, cuddled in on my air mattress
and watched their lava lamp til i felt human again.

we laughed over the memories and talked of how soothing
these things are......

i may never have a tense moment again in my life!
cause i have my own lava lamp now!

the cave at nite

it's a good thing i figured out this cave of mine is vast.

cause i keep finding things to put in it!

waking up last nite with stuff on my mind,
i tossed around a pretty good while before it finally
occurred to me...

ter....put it down.
put it in that cave.

oh yeah.......

and it was dark.
in the middle of the nite.
it was easy to close my eyes and picture the cave.

and for some reason...
maybe i had been up so long with it and was really
tired...i don't know...
it was easy to put it down in there.

stuff is coming up every which way.
there's this 'purge' feelin' goin' on.

i thought i was just gonna walk into this cave
and throw everything down and then see what came
back.

i didn't know that there'd be layers upon layers
comin' up that i needed to throw down.

but of course.

it's not that easy to throw 'everything' down.

some of that 'everything' is buried pretty deep
or rooted pretty strong...

this is the weirdest thing goin' on.

i have moments of overwhelm.
when i first feel the feelings.
it's so srong.
and then...it's over for a bit til the next one
comes along.

and the cave gets more and more crowded.

my gosh, there's a whole lot inside me!

there's a whole lot to release.

and stange as it sounds, this cave is really
helpin' me do that.

where i go with it, i don't know.

but heck, i'm too far in to quit now.

we'll just see how it goes.......

guilt and forgiveness and that cave of mine...

funny how things twine together...
her bein' on my mind...
a hard conversation last nite that hangs in my mind...
listening to josh's song on suicide...

all came together to make my stomach sick, and the tears
flood out of me this afternoon.

as josh's music thumps thru my heart and i listen to his
lyrics and hear his voice sing things like 'tell me how to
rescue you...tell me what i can do...' my stomach is
turnin'...and then when i hear him say more than sing....
'seems like folks should pay more attention sometimes.'
i can't take it anymore and i walk out of my studio into
my yard.

i find myself hitting one of my hands with my fist. hard.
over and over. hard.

'if only's' run thru my body like zaps of electricity.

i've broken down with guilt more than once.
bob has told me over and over 'i was there, ter, i saw you.
you held her hands, you looked in her eyes, you told her you
were there. i saw it. you did it. you told her.'

over and over he's told me.

thing is...
i left it up to her.
i left it up to her to come to me if she needed me.
i thought it was the right thing to do.
i thought i scared her and that if she came to me it'd be
better.

and three different times when i could have been there...
when i could have checked in, i didn't.

three different times.

all times when i was fallin' apart myself.

once when i felt like my family was stabbing me in the
heart, once when my father was dying, and once when i
was in some pretty big grief.

i couldn't reach out.
it was all i could do to stand up.

i know that.

and at moments i have compassion for that.
but truth is, i don't buy it.

i coulda.
and i soooo shoulda.

this isn't a pity blog. and please don't write and offer
compassion. i appreciate it, but i'm not looking for it.

i'm putting it out here for several reasons.

i'm thinking the guilt needs to go in that cave i keep
talkin' about.
i don't know if i can do that. but i'm thinking it does.
i'm not sure i can do that.....
but i'm gonna give it some real good thought and effort.
everything is sposed to go in that cave.
everything.

i kick myself a lot.
people write and tell me how bone sighs helped them, how i
helped them....and i think of her...and i kick myself.

i know that's not right.
i know i can't change anything.
but i can move forward.
i can take this and do something with it.
i've already tried.
but i want to do more...
i want to see something from this.

i think of myself as intuitive....but my gosh,
how could i miss all that i did???

because i was so caught up in me.

yeah, i know.....my dad was dying, my family was really
hurting me, i had some major grief. i know that.
all reasons to be caught up in me. to a point.
to a point.

so one of the reasons for this post...
to remind me,
to remind you......don't get that caught up.
ya know?
don't get THAT caught up in you.

and another reason....to remind me,
to remind you...
forgive yourself.
forgive myself.
she couldn't forgive herself.
and if i can't forgive myself,
how on earth does that honor her at all?

i don't know how to. but i'm gonna try.
cause it matters.
and i thought if i put that out there as honestly as i could,
maybe someone else could hear it for themselves........

maybe that will be glistening in the cave when i'm all done...
a gorgeous shimmering chunk of forgiveness.

maybe.
if i can ever put the guilt down in there...

caves, skies, and followin'......

i sat on my front stoop lookin' at the sky.
my head held completely back tryin' to take the whole
thing in.....
gettin' a neck ache, i grabbed a blanket, threw it
on the wet grass and flopped flat on my back so i
could REALLY see that sky.

directly above me were a whole buncha puffy pieces
of clouds with this great dark blue underneath.
it was as if you were looking down from space,
seein' the clouds and the ocean underneath them.

it was all in this big circular area over my head.
i stared and stared and got lost in them.

a conversation i had last nite came runnin' thru
my head. there was one part that was really really
hard. involving a grief that will never go away.
my stomach had knotted up when i listened last nite.
as i lay there under the clouds, i could feel the
knots again.

place it in your cave, ter.
put it on the floor of your cave, and let it be
for now.

i pictured doin' it.
but it clung to me.
didn't want me to put it down.
clung to me like a scared kid clings to its mom.

why? i wondered.
why?

cause it's about someone who died.
and maybe if i put it down, i'll lose the someone.
the whole putting things down is about losing whatever
i need to lose.
and i'm not sure what all that includes.

fear of losing her sweet face.

her face will sparkle and shimmer, i told myself as
i put it down. that much you'll get back.
the rest you don't know.

and i put it down.

i thought of a dream i had last nite.
one of those weird ones. but the message was clear....

i'm still in two worlds. and i need to be in one.

that's the idea of the cave (see posts below).......
to drop it all and make one very real world.

i'm workin' on it, i told the sky.
and yet, i'm gonna take the time it needs.
i'm followin', i told the big fluffy cloud.
i'm watchin' and i'm followin'.

i looked at the sky..........so vast.
goin' on forever.

thought of my cave.......
hadn't thought of the size of it.....
think it's the same thing......
so vast...goin' on forever.

maybe i need to wander around a little inside
it while i'm in here waiting for things to sparkle...
you never know what you'll find.

overwhelmed with memories......

okay.
one of those weird chain of events.
i've got my neighbor's newspapers.
even that part of the story is a bit odd,
but i'll spare you. just trust me, it's odd.

i usually drop them in my recycling.
but today i grabbed one to pack up an order.

scrunchin' up pages when i see a picture of
this old abandoned hospital i used to work at
million years ago. it caught my eye and i stopped.
i read the article and tons and tons of memories
flooded thru......i just sat on my floor kinda
overwhelmed.

i started volunteering there when i was 12 years
old!! volunteered til i was 18. actually worked
there for real one summer.

it was a pretty icky place.
i think youth can put up with ick better than
adults. i'd have a whole lot harder time now
then i did then.

guess it started out as a TB hospital and then morphed
into taking the leftover people that no one wanted.
kids with birth defects and problems too big for the
parents to deal with in one area......adults that no
one wanted in another area. everyone was black. everyone
there came from DC. the few white people there were a
few of the workers, one white kid on the kids ward,
and maybe three white adult residents.

i started workin' with the kids.
eventually spent time hangin' with the adults.

i remember coming home after a day there and thinking
that everyone in my neighborhood looked so pale!

i learned a lot up there.
a whole whole lot.

two of the adult guys were two 'quads' that i hung out with.
one guy was young.....maybe 6 years older than me. he got
paralyzed in a football game. the other guy got paralyzed
in some kinda shoot out. they both intimidated me a bit.
both were so inner city....and i was so not.
i brought my brother up there one day and he couldn't
understand a word they said! i had to laugh. it was black
guy city lingo, and i guess i had gotten used to it.

i got attached to one guy who was also a 'quad'....all
limbs paralyzed. he rarely got out of bed. he was gentle and
quiet.

the kids were wonderful. well......some really were 'vegetables'
just lying there all day. but there were some that were so
bright eyed and amazing.

and then some that scared me.

everywhere i turned, there was someone who scared me.
and everywhere i turned, there was some kinda beauty.
and everywhere i turned there was some real ugliness.

it was the first real mix of life i ever encountered.
i made a lot of stupid mistakes.
boy did i.
but my gosh,i learned so much about life up there.

i sat and thought of all the residents today.
some of those kids are now 40! and those men???
my gosh......in their 50's and 60's........

still paralyzed....maybe still not gettin' outta bed
much.

i loved them and moved on.
they moved to a new facility.....

it makes me feel overwhelmingly humbled.

the void part two.....

so i don't know how to describe any of this,
but it's too cool not to try to put out here anyway!

this void stuff.....it's a cave.
(see post below)

i've got this constant image of a cave i'm carryin'
around inside me. and i'm sittin' in the cave all
alone having thrown everything in my life and in
my head and in my heart down on the floor.

waiting patiently for the things i need to shimmer
and glimmer. those i'll pick back up and hold as
treasures.

that part seems easy to describe.
the part that's hard to describe is that i'm not
actively tryin' to do any of this.
i'm just letting it all kinda take place.

not sure how i'll know anything, i just kinda
keep goin', trusting i'll know.

i'm not thinking it thru.
there's no thinking involved.
which is really odd for me.

and sure enough.....
i got one heck of a sparkle yesterday.
one heck of a lump of shimmering shining.

and guess what it was???

bone sigh arts.

yep!
yep!

i got FILLED with this feeling of it being
a gift, of it being MY gift. and of the joy
of it all.

this is huge as it's been hard with bone
sighs and i have even questioned that.

and there, yesterday, holding this glimmering
hunk of a diamond kinda thing, i was filled
with joy.

i was really doin' the floating on air thing,
i was so happy.
still feelin' pretty good this morning!

bone sighs.

i tried to tell the guys about it.
but um....ohmygosh.......sometimes it's just
too crazy.

i sat at the table with them and said 'have i told
you guys about the void??'

zakk looks at me and says 'last i heard it was
a sink hole and you were layin' on the edge of it.'

i just burst out laughing.

oh yeah. well, i'm past that, i said.

i tried to tell them.
but sayin' 'i figured out bone sigh arts is a gift
and it's my gift and it's a treasure,' just gets
kinda lost around the table somehow.

but that's where i'm at.

feelin' pretty dizzy with happiness over bone sighs.

what can i say??

i want to see what other treasures float up to me.

see, i know they've been here all along.
but i've lost them in all the gunk of the other stuff.
the other stuff that i'll leave layin' on the cave floor.

it's like a dramatic cleaning of my inner house.

so far so good.

the void

there's an 'opportunity' goin' on inside/around me.
not exactly sure what it is.
but i'm aware it's there.

and i'm excited about it for several reasons.

first of all......I'M AWARE IT'S THERE!

ha!

i'm not always that aware, ya know???

and 'opportunity' may be the wrong word.
hey, i may be aware, but i'm not articulate!
it's the best i can come up with right now.

here's the scoop.

something's been goin' on for a bit.
where i'm feelin' distanced to a lot of things/people
around me.

not in any negative way.
not in a positive way.

just neutral. it's just happening.

well, i finally saw that.
it finally got too big not to notice.
so, okay, i'd have to be blind not to be aware.
hmmmmm....maybe i don't get points for being aware.

but who cares. i'm aware of it.

and then! I'M NOT AFRAID OF IT!

okay, maybe that's where i get points.

i think that this kinda thing would normally scare me.
make me feel bad. or make me wallow in a 'woe is me' kinda
place.

perhaps it did for a bit.
yeah, perhaps it did.
yeah, it did. and yeah, i wallowed and was afraid.

okay, there go my points for not being afraid.

grinnin'.
this sucks.
i get no points.

BUT! i have come to an awareness that isn't filled with fear.
i've moved past the fear.

i see it as an opportunity.
and i don't know what for. but i know it's created this
space....i've been callin' it a 'void'......but void in a good
way.

and i feel it's a place i am sposed to intentionally step into.

not exactly sure how to do that, but not worried about it either,
i have just kinda tried to open to what's inside of me.

been pickin' up favorite books and reading bits and pieces.
been stealin moments here and there to just tune in.
been thinking about what it is i really want.
been thinking about what it is i want to grab.
and what it is i want to let go of.
been listenin' for when my inner voice is speaking.

i think this is a space where i get to throw it all down.
let it shatter all around me. and sit in this void and
see what shimmers. what intrigues me. what makes me want
to reach out and pick it up again.

i think this is a safe open place where i get to drop
everything and decide what it is i want right now.

sometimes we (me) go along pickin' things up as we go,
not even realizing we're pickin' them up. or pickin' them
up knowing we are, but not knowing we're outgrowing them.
and we just keep goin'. holdin' it all. and not havin'
a whole lot of it work for us.

i think we (me) need these voids here and there.
little caves we can go into all by ourselves that are
completely safe where we can toss it all down without any
one watchin'. and we can figure out what works for us
and where we are with ourselves and what we believe and
what we want and what it's all about.

well, okay, maybe not the what it's all about stuff.
that prolly won't come....but maybe........

got my feet in the void and feelin' good.....

mother's day report...

was a completely delicious day!

we started with the zoo!

we saw the elephants first.
ohhhhhh my.
i coulda sat all day and watched them.
i could tell each one of us was a bit moved with them.
one of them was holding a stick and banging it.
josh was trying to decide if the elephant was a drummer
in his past life.
a lot of drummer jokes, and we moved on.

the otters.
there was a crowd watching them at one part. i walked
over to another part. an empty part. the guys walked up
behind me. and a moment later, the otters tumbled on over.
i leaned back and quietly told the guys 'i called them over
here.' they just smiled. i think they bought that.

as we walked away, i told them all i knew about otters was
that they lived to play. 'i'm striving to be an otter in my
next life.' i said.

'you already are one.' they all shot back.
i laughed and we picked animals we musta been in past lives.
i was definitely an elephant and a whale.
'no wonder i have body issues,' i said.

we laughed, we goofed.
i gasped at some of the reptiles.
found one that was so gaudy and goofy i hollered for josh.
'that's you, bud! that is sooooo you!'
we stood there and laughed.
there was an ape that was like zakk. something about his
arms....
a blue frog that was like noah.....something about his legs...

there were so many cool animals......
the zebras totally took my breath away.
the monkeys warmed my heart.
it was soooo good to see them all.
we didn't stay too long.
babied my sore foot.
but i vowed to get back there soon.

the guys were all thankful my foot was sore.
they laughed and said it was good that i was
slowed down a bit.

we headed back to a movie, food, games, laughing, and just
hangin' out.

i felt the gold of their souls the whole day.
the whole darn day.
i just basked in their glow.

to sit back and enjoy these three guys...and to see
their hearts just shining thru them...
well...it definitely makes for one heck of a mother's day.

mother's day

hey! hey! hey! it's mother's day over here!!!
yeah.......we postponed it til today.
it falls real close to my birthday, and i just can't
get spoiled enough that way....
so we postpone!!!

i very maturely told the guys to sleep late. we have
all day. we don't have to start til noon or something.
no big deal. we can all have our morning and do something
with it.

so um.....it's about 9:15 and i can't stand it.
i think i gotta go wake everyone up!!!

there's talk of the zoo!
i've been havin' a foot problem and not sure i can handle
the walkin' around.
josh suggested a wheelchair.
i lit up.
we've had sooooooo much fun with those in the past.

once josh had a hurt foot, and i took him shopping
in a wheel chair.

he was all self conscious sitting down in it. we were in
public. in a store. he wasn't sure about it all.
he sat down and i jammed my foot on that back thing and
shouted 'WHEELIEEEEE!!!!!!!' and shot him up in the air and
took off with him.

we went sailing thru the aisles. at one point, one of the main
aisles was clear.....and i got a good run and then hopped on
the back! noah and zakk were in an aisle, looked up, and saw
us flying by! josh said it was totally disconcerting as he
couldn't see me and he never knew what i would do.

oh yes!
i lit up at the idea.
only this time i'd be in the passenger seat.
hmmmmmmm.....

zakk threw up his arms when he heard we might use a wheelchair.
not sure at all this was a good idea. but then, i could see a
light go off in his mind. he turned to me and said 'it WOULD give
us a bit more control this way.'

hmmmmmmmmm.........

it's also rainy out. so who knows.....maybe the zoo.
maybe biking in the rain. altho the guys have some namby pamby
fancy bikes that can't bike in the rain........
maybe just a day of bein' queen and acting out every whim.

whatever it is....it's gonna be good.

and the timing is perfect.
i'm takin' my life back today.

did you give it away, you ask???

somehow i think i did.

and i've been gradually taking it back since september started.
but now it's a full fledged kinda thing......

i'm takin' my life back full fledged.
AND it's mother's day today!

this is gonna be one heck of a good day......

a good habit to make

i did it!
i made yesterday my inner child day.

i think maybe we could just call it an
'allowing day' or a 'tuning in' day.

i paid attention all day to what was goin'
on inside me.

i made a few decisions right in the beginning
about things that would be best for me and
would best be takin' care of that inner child
part of mine. and i stuck to them.

i put on music that made me laugh.
i did some art that felt good.
when i got sad, i said 'okay, sad's okay.
let's sit with that a bit.'

i got all comfy and snuggled under a blanket
(that in itself was heaven this time of year!)
and read a book that's a story.
i was well aware i was reading myself a story.
i paid attention and reveled in it.

and then at some point, i turned and held
something i needed to hold.

only because i didn't push myself to do it.

i just naturally turned and held it.

didn't feel i 'had' to....
felt i was ready to.

it was a good good thing to do yesterday.

now.
how come i don't do this every day???

i don't.
it's certainly not habit.
i have to really think about it.

i think for now, i'm gonna try to do this a lot
more often....and see if i can get it to be
more like habit.

ahhhhhhhh......now, that'd be good.

my goal today

probably the description that makes the most sense
to me about how i feel lately is that my inner child's
been gettin' tossed around an awful lot.

there was more tossing yesterday, and i could just
feel it.

and when i realized this, i decided to seize the day
today and make it an inner child day.

what does that mean???

maybe it just means i'm gonna pay attention to my
insides and do things that feel good and healing.
do things that make me feel like all of me counts.

think that basically means, i play more and i hang out
in places that won't toss me around.

i grabbed a book i had forgotten i had this morning.
i got it a life time ago. grabbed it and sat outside
this morning and found a list of suggestions on things
to do to become an 'elegant spirit.'

ohhhhhhhhhh.........great phrase.

so i read the list.

the suggestion that seemed to stand out the most to me
was this one:

study those desires in your life that control you,
and strive to release yourself from anything artificial
that exerts power over you: drugs, alcohol, negative habits,
fears - anything that causes you to lose power.

i liked that one. well, i liked them all....but that one
stood out for me. gonna work on that a bit.

also what kinda stood out is spending the day in tune with
my inner child would have fit right on the list. of course,
it woulda been too odd to include....

but tuning into the part of me would accomplish a whole bunch
of the things listed. because that part of me is so loving
and so trusting and so geniune.

i want to just take care of that part today.

that's my goal.
that's my aim.
and that's where i am going to put my energy today.

september mornin'.......

ah!!!!!!!
WHAT a morning!!!!!

i don't remember ever bein' totally in love with
september before - but i am this year!
maybe i am every year, and just forget.
i have no idea.
but this year, my goodness......i'm a september fan.

noah and i hopped on our bikes in the dark again this morning.

the stars were out!

a little taste of heaven in the air.

i just wanted to burst forth in song.

i refrained as noah said people may throw things at me from
their windows....i stayed quiet and just smiled a lot.

it's a little bit hairy crossin' the intersection.
my gosh.......EVERYONE is out on that highway!
and just gettin' across down where it's quiet again
is a bit crazy. in the dark, it seems a bit dumb.
so we decided this would be our last morning bike ride
for a bit.

i think that made it all the more delicious.

i rode and thought about how much better i feel from
a few weeks ago...

and i thought of cycles, changes in season, changes in me....

and i thought of so many people i know right now struggling.
if we can just remember the changes.
they keep coming.
nothing stays the same.

it all just keeps turning........

if we could just remember that sometimes......

sittin' by my open window right now, i feel the chill of
the morning....

and i watch the season change.

no rainin' for me!

i plopped myself down in my front yard and was just
enjoyin' the morning.

the sky was pretty, the air cool, it just felt good.

my thoughts wandered to something i had done which felt
a bit like rainin' on someone's parade.

i hate that.

and then when i do that to someone......ohmygosh.

it wasn't a full fledged rain, but if i didn't turn it
around, it'd count as one.

and i got to thinking about that kinda thing.

how many people had rained on my parades?
and yeah, a lotta times it was for 'nice' reasons.
they wanted to protect me, help me.
yeah.
yeah.
who cares.

they still rained.
and it always affected things....affected me.

and that's the direction i was goin' with someone else.
and i never want to do that.

makes me think of 'dream stealing.'

somewhere along the way, i've read the phrase
'dream stealers' and was so struck by that phrase.
that concept.

there are just some people who naturally are dream
stealers. they do it all the time.
and then i think all of us prolly do that at one
point or another to someone else.

what a darn shame.

i so don't want to be a dream stealer or a rain cloud.

as i thought this, i looked up in the sky.

i did a double take.

there bam smack in the middle of this beautiful sky
was this one dark, smeary, icky cloud.

i seriously did a double take.

you have got to be kiddin' me.

that's me!
if i don't watch it!

i laughed out loud.
and just sat there looking at this thing.

it's a rare day i'd tell you i saw an ugly cloud.
but there it was....this dark gray lump in the middle
of this gorgeous glowing sky.

wow.

i so don't want to be that cloud.

ever.

off to go fix any cloudiness i started....

relationships

i never thought of myself as very female.
i just don't.
i mean, i know i'm female.
but i don't think of myself as girly.

my guy chokes when he hears this.
he doesn't think i can be much more girly.

and so, looking at it all thru his eyes, i see what
he means. i'm really emotional, totally verbal,
cry at the drop of a tissue....that stuff.
okay. so i'm feminine that way for sure.
definitely think like a woman.

i don't think he can be any more male.
oh my gosh. a large percentage of neanderthal blood runnin'
thru his veins. sometimes it amazes me so much that
i just sit there looking at him, not sure what to say.

when you bring us together to communicate, it can be
a pretty weird thing. some of it we've got down beautifully.
and some of it we really really suck at.
it truly is like two foreigners tryin' to communicate.

i saw this clearly yesterday. really really clearly.
and i wondered how any man and any woman REALLY communicate
with each other.

i think a whole lot of it is a PERCEPTION that we're communicating
when in truth, it's not anywhere near what we're thinking.

i think a whole whole lot of it is skating to get by. and learnin'
how to get by.

i seriously do.
i did that in my marriage, and i see a whole lotta my friends
doin' that in their relationships.

there's a whole lotta not seein' goin' on.
and a whole lotta not talkin' about that goin' on.

so i thought of women communicating with women.

the thought ran thru my head....if i don't make it with my guy
here, i'm not doin' this again. i'll try a woman!!! it's GOT to
be easier communicating with a woman.

and then i thought of my lesbian friends.

um.
not so.
doesn't seem easier at all.

it's not just the mars/venus stuff......
it's all the baggage all the vulnerabilities, all the stuff
that gets in the way.

okay, i thought.
if i don't make it with my guy, i'll get a pet.

and i laughed.

nah, what i want is to not just make it with my guy.
i want to see him clearly and hear him clearly.
all the time.

what's interesting to me is that it's not just about how
we word things to each other, it's also directly related
to how healthy i am inside. how open i can be, how vulnerable
i can be, and how much baggage i can really put down.

relationships are so much deeper, so much more powerful and
so much more transformational than i had ever realized.

if we choose to open our eyes and see.........

that's it. nothin' more.

it's so easy when it's not your problem.
ya know?

she came to me about something she was struggling
with and it was so easy for me to see.

someone couldn't offer what it was she was looking
for. and they couldn't see that, couldn't own that,
couldn't do anything about it. they made it all her
fault.

i told her that it had nothing to do with her.
had nothing to do with who she was or what she was
looking for. that nothing was wrong with any of that.
this other person just couldn't offer it.

that's it.

oh yeah.
easy for me to say.

but i swear, it was clear as day.

so okay, ter.....turn that on your stuff.
your struggles
some of your people.

it is so the same thing.

can i just get so clear with my own stuff and just
let people be?

ah, that sure would be nice.

let people be.

give them a rest.

and give me a rest too.

people are doin' what they're doin' for their own reasons.
not mine.

and that's as it should be.

burdens

i keep thinking about that conversation i had yesterday.

i've had some pretty intense conversations in my life,
and this one ranked right up there.

and i keep thinking how he didn't want to 'burden' people
with the story.

i wonder why we don't see that our stories help other people.
i wonder why we think we need to keep this stuff to ourselves.

i keep thinking about some of the stuff he said.
and some of the places he was stuck.

i turn it around to myself and try to figure out how it
fits with my own stuff i struggle with.

the biggest thing i see this morning is how stuck he was on
past mistakes.

and no, i don't know what they were.

and yeah, they could be tough stuff to let go of.

but whatever they were......they were past. they were mistakes.

past.
past.
past.
mistakes.

just that.
mistakes.

just that.

too much holdin' on of the past.

yes, i think we have to make some sort of peace with the past.
i do.
i also think that waiting for complete peace is gonna be too
long a wait. you'll lose the now.

i think maybe i thought i'd get there.

yeah, right.

some days i have a lotta peace about the past.
some days not.

lookin' at my friend, i saw what a pit that was to fall into
and get out of.

the focus is now.
taking what i can learn from the past.....and using it.
not crippling myself with it.

big big difference.

what if you did that when you were in math class?

you took a class and made a buncha mistakes and goofed up a
lotta the problems and got it all wrong.
and then you took the next level class and said 'i can't
do this, cause i goofed up everything, got it all wrong,
and i suck.'

huh????

how about figurin' out what the goof up was, figurin' out
what worked and takin' that and building on that.

isn't that what we do with stuff we learn like math???

why not life???

he shared his deep deep pain and touched me.
and is makin' me think.

i'm so glad he 'burdened' me.
if only all burdens were like this.

hmmmmmmmmm............
are they???

a moment in my day......

there are moments i totally forget who i am
and where i'm going.

and there are many moments i have no idea what
it's about.

and then...there are moments when i know who i am
and and i can see me....and i like who i've become.

i had one of those moments today.
completely unexpected.
intense conversation with someone i haven't really
'talked' with in ten years. not really. not from
the heart.

but i could tell he needed it.
and so i stopped and talked.

and i heard some of the stuff i was sayin'.
and i realized that i had truly honestly learned
some stuff along the way.

'i've talked to some people' he said, 'but not this
intense.' and i smiled.

yeah, when it comes to this stuff, i'm intense.

depression, darkness, loss of way.

i told him i wasn't sorry he was there.
that i only wish we all could find our way to that hell
and then find our way thru it and out to the other side.

too many people never go there, i said.
and they never wake up to who they really are.

i reminded him that it was okay.

more than once i spoke with tears in my eyes.
always, i spoke from the depths of my heart.

and i watched his pain.
and i held his pain with him.

and i knew that life truly is filled with struggle.
and i truly knew that it was okay.
because somewhere in there is where we touch each other.

somewhere in there we touch each other, we touch
ourselves....and if we're lucky, we touch god.

special agent terri

okay.
i know i've taken the big turn away from the funk....
cause i'm laughin' again pretty easily.

i'm headin' back to where i wanted to be goin'.
i can just so darn feel it.

the guys said something about a special agent.
have no idea what they were talking about cause
i got so distracted with the phrase.

'special agent.'

'i want to be special agent terri!' i announced.

and i kept repeating it.......

special agent terri here.

hi, i'm special agent terri.

did you need something? special agent terri at your
service.....

they pointed out to me it should be 'special agent st. cloud.'

nah, gotta be terri.

they looked at each other and nodded.....yeah, terri.

so i decided.

i want to go with that.

was thinking maybe i could even get a red phone.

do special agents have red phones???

i want a red phone to go with the title.

and a tee shirt.

altho the guys said it's a badge, not a shirt.....

i'd rather have the shirt.......

hmmmmmmm...........things to work towards!

a september day.........

it is a gorgeous day here.
i mean GORGEOUS.
and i really had no idea HOW much weather affects me.

but my gosh....this mornin' i'm zippin' around
going 'ohhhhhh i should do a laundry! ohhhh no wait!
let me make the bed first! ohhhhhh i gotta get outside!
ohhhh i can't wait to get into my studio and do a little
work!'

huh????

cool weather really makes me chipper.

i hurt my foot two weeks ago.
i don't think there was any real reason to hurt it.
i mean, any physical thing i did to it.

i really think my emotions got to me. and it came
out that way.
i really really do.

the foot's a whole whole whole lot better today.

interesting.

the things i've been really strugglin' with are all
smoothin' out........

as is my foot.

kinda makes me want to run around the yard a bit as
i have been doin' as little movin' as possible.

i'm gonna be conservative with it today....
i think....
but i'll be dancin' in my heart.

feels like with the heat lifting outside, there's
also been some real fog lifting on the inside.

today feels way way good.
inside and out.

i do like september.....

just bein' and laughin' pretty hard about it......

ohmygosh!

i just had such a great laugh!
what a way to start my day!

i just wrote my blog and posted it.
and when i went to proofread it
(yeah, i do that AFTER the fact)
i found myself at JOSH'S blog!

i gasped!
put my hands over my mouth and my
eyes popped out.

he was using my computer last nite....
i was signed in as him!!!

which is all the more funny when you see
the post i posted......

i deleted it off of there.
i think.
i sure hope.

ohmygosh.

so here's the blog that used to be on josh's
blog......that makes it sooooooo much better!

>>>>>>>>>>>

it's a gorgeous morning!
woke up thinking about loving beyond reason.
living beyond reason.

and toilet seats.
need a new one.

see?
i CAN be practical.

i'm headin' off to lowes......gonna drive the back way
and talk to the trees....

and just be.

just plain ol' be.

cause it's too darn pretty out for anything else this morning.

part two...

still a bit foggy with it all....

but the idea that it's not about
loving that particular person, and loving
that other person....and trying to be loving
over here....

something started to show itself to me,
but it's so fuzzy.

and then i remembered a bone sigh i wrote
years ago...

slowly, she was beginning to see it,
it wasn’t about acting or thinking
or getting or giving love.
it was about breathing love,
living love –
becoming love.


it's about breathing love, living love....
becoming love.....

suddenly i see it and have no words for it.
the best i can do is this....

it's not about what steps to take....
it's about opening to what is already inside of me.

opening.
and not blocking.

yeah.
right.

easier said than done......
but THAT'S the direction i want to focus in......

the first part....

ohmygosh.....
i've just begun....
but want to share....

and yes, i feel vulnerable.
but you know what?
this seems like good stuff to put out there.

i got cozy in my room to do some checkin' in with
myself.

i had already decided i was going to start by listing
my resentments.

i am filled with them right now.
unusual for me and i wanted to give them voice.
it's rare i feel like this.

so i began to write them out.

they poured out easily enough.

when i sat back and looked at the list,
there was something that really stood out for me.

all these things i listed goin' on in other people
that were driving me crazy were things i would view
as weaknesses. weaknesses in the people around me.

weaknesses.

wow.

look at that.

okay.
let me list my own weaknesses now.

and so i began.
it was easy enough to spew out a few, so i left it
at that and sat back and looked at them.

okay.
nothing i'm real proud of, that's for sure.

what is it i wish other people would do for me about
my own weaknesses?

that came out fast.

i want someone to be patient with me. i don't want my
weaknesses pointed out. i want to be accepted where i'm at.

hmmmm.......

it didn't take any effort for me to see i wasn't
offering that around me. hence my built up resentments.

if i want to love, i gotta do this, i thought.

okay, i picked out people i would be willing to do this for.
or work on doing this for.

they were easy. people i really wanted to love fully and
with an open heart.

several stood out as hold outs for me.

do you want to love that person? i asked myself.

'no.
not until she loves me.'

oh ho ho.

guess who that was???

little terri had come to the surface.

i quickly did a little bit of work with her.
going to delve into that a bit more later tonite.

then i grabbed the book i just finished and opened
it right up to this.....not sure if i typed this out before
or not. i have it starred in the book....

'to be of service to others through your inner gifts,
your intuition, your courage, your talents, and your
creativity is possible for all those who are willing
to respond to the needs of others. toward this end, you
must see yourself as healed, as having completed the
unfinished business of your past. while you may visit
your wounds every now and again, you can no longer
emotionally or mentally reside in that contaminated
psychic field, continually processing wounds that are
decades old. your focus has to be in the present moment.
this is where your power is, and being in the present is
what your health requires.'

i thought the timing was wild....

i'm not sure what to do with all of this.
i know where it's leading me.
just not sure of what step i do when.

but then i think, i have to go back to my intentions.
of why i started this whole process tonite in the first
place....

what ARE my intentions.......???

are they really to be love? to be a living prayer?
or to just say those pretty words and coast by?

me, little t, and the universe need to talk.....

easin' on down the road

i laughed just now!
i posted that post below, did a few things,
went back to email and found my note from the universe
in my box this morning.

"The ease of change, terri, is directly proportional to one's willingness to reconsider what's best for themselves.

I say let it be easy -
The Universe"


i am so with you, universe!
let it be easy.
think i'll take that intention break i posted about below,
grab a favorite drink, get comfortable, be gentle with myself,
and ease on into those changes i need to make with an easy
open heart!

ohhhh what a great idea.......

again.

i had grabbed a book off my book shelf the other day.
it's one i never got into, but always felt like i 'should.'

this morning i picked it up for a few minutes pretty sure
i'd get discouraged and put it back down...
and pow.....
it hit me in the face.

the author wrote of 'intentions.'

i remember when that word became some sorta rage and
i kept hearing how i needed to set my intentions. people
i didn't even know where telling me about it. strangers
saying to me 'you really need to set your intentions.'

as is typical with me, i hear a phrase, like it, want to
work with it, and then don't.

and then i stumble into workin' with it without even knowing
i'm doing it. afterwards i usually stand back and go
'ohhhhhhhhh..........look. i did it.'

and then as is also typical of me, i forget and lose what
i had found.

definitely the deal with intentions.

so this morning i'm reading it and i can feel this awareness
fall over my whole body.

oh man.

what EXACTLY are my intentions?

they have sooo gotten scrambled.

that's what i've been figurin' out the last few days, that
my thoughts and beliefs and stuff have gotten scrambled.

well, throw in scrambled intentions.

and here's the thing....
as soon as i realized it, i realized the honesty with which
i'd have to look at things i'm doin'. and it didn't feel
like it was gonna be easy.

okay, okay, i kinda grumbled.
i KNOW i need to look at this now.
i KNOW it.

turning to distract myself from honestly having to look at
what was in my heart, i went to my email.

the gods will not have me distracted this morning.

there in my email is a medical report on what exactly happened
in that 14 hour surgery i mentioned blogs below.
my family isn't big on facts. luckily, she has a sister
who is. and finally, finally, we got updated on what
exactly they did to her.

the list was endless.
it made my stomach wobble.

and it kinda slammed how incredibly lucky i am right in
my face.

that's two face hits in the period of 15 minutes.

and they totally go together.

i have the power to create my intentions and to act on them.

i know......no one has to remind me..........that i don't
have power over everything that happens in my life.
i know that.

but i have power over how honestly i look at myself and
my intentions.

i have power of how much i direct everything i do in the
direction of good health.

good health.
i don't mean taking my power and just passin' on the
french fries....i mean passin' on the negative thoughts.
passin' on the dwelling on of what i don't have.

i mean concentrating on focusing on what matters to me,
on building up the positive, on letting go of the anger
and the fear.

all that stuff.

all that stuff that is so part of health.

i mean, taking some time today and really sitting and making
honest intentions for good in my life and for honestly looking
at how i make that happen.

for tossing the unhealthy, and turning toward the healthy.

odd how much strength that takes.

but i've found my intentions.

again.

finding me

i'm likin' september.
oh yes. it's the second and i already like it a lot.

yesterday found me on the floor of my studio
surrounded with watercolor, playin', creating and
just following whatever came out.

it'd been way too long since i'd done that.

i took periodic breaks thru the day to sit with
the book that has seen me on miles and miles of my
journey - women who run with the wolves. nodding
thru all the places i read, i felt something stir
inside of me.

last nite, in the middle of the nite, it got intense.
woke up. did a lot of soul searchin' thinking.

this morning, grabbing my wolf book again, thumbing
thru all the underlined pages and reading golden
nugget after golden nugget, i realized something.

i guess i knew it in yesterday's post.
but maybe it's just way more solid in me today.
maybe i recognize stuff in me more today.
don't know.

but today, i see sooooo darn clearly that i'm back
on track. that somewhere along the line, i got way off...
and didn't see it til it was gonna take one of those
big long turns to come round again.

you know those huge big ol' boats in the ocean who
have to take this huge big ol' turn to turn around?

that'd be me.

thing is.....i caught it.
i finally finally caught it.

and i remembered something........

i'm strong.
and creativity grows that strength.
and certain places in my life suck that strength
right outta me.

and i let those places win last month.

i really really did.

but it's september.
and i've remembered.

gathering some of my best tools around me -
my watercolors, my paper and pen, and my books that
speak to my soul - i'm hunkerin' down and finding me
again.

as much as i hate losing me,
i gotta say, finding me again is one heck of a tickle.

a new month

not sure how to explain this one.......
not sure i even have it down.

august was quite a month for me.
really glad to see it go.
altho, i figured out some pretty huge stuff
thru it. stuff that should make the rest of the
year a whole lot better.

which brings me into september with this
thought......

i need to be much more aware of my processes.

hop around with me here.....

when i was in my women's group counseling i would
get so frustrated with myself and want to just fix
everything right then.

more than once my counselor placed her hand on my arm
and shook her head.
'terri, terri, terri, it took you 40 years to get to
this place, why do you think you can change it in a week??'

yeah.
okay.
she was right.

and then sooner or later something would shift and something
would change.

but what brought me to where i was in the first place???

the process.

oh yeah, events, people, decisions....of course.
and those are the things i've concentrated on.
not the process.

but here i am again, looking at a buncha good stuff i learned
that i've taken and skewed a bit and kinda got myself into
another place that i want to shift out of.

august showed me that.

august showed me things i've taken and twisted just a tiny
bit...but plenty enough to make them not work for me again.

this morning i woke up thinking about my very last hold out
of a twisty thing. something i was struggling with all the
way to the end of the month here.

i woke up this morning and thought, nah, you got it wrong,ter.
you just got it wrong. you twisted it again.

i've been looking outward when i should be looking within.
i've taken beliefs i have touched and known and made them
into something they weren't.
i've fallen back into old thoughts and patterns without even
knowing it.

somehow....my processes lead me that way.

what do i do with that?
not sure.

kinda watch, i think.

just watch.

and turn back inside.

and create.

i'm gonna make a point of being extra creative this
month. i decided this morning.

i want to stop trying, grasping, and making things happen.

i want to turn inward and create.
and i want to pay attention to my healthy processes....
and my habitual processes that aren't so healthy.

i step into a new month with this on my mind.
sure would be nice to keep this on my mind for more than
a day! we shall see.....