a dream

a dream i woke up with....

easy one.....quick and easy......
(preface it with bone sighs (my art and writing) are
part of me. that's how i describe them when i'm tellin'
someone about them, and that's what i truly think of them as.)

standing there holding an empty, damaged box. there should
have been a bone sigh in it. it had been shipped to someone.
given to someone, wrapped up in bubble wrap to protect it.
a lot of our stuff goes out on consignment, no guarantee the
people will pay for it, it's an act of trust.

it was missing.
no sign of the bone sigh.
the box damaged.

i stood there and held the box and looked at everyone around
me bewildered. they didn't know it was missing. they didn't
know the box had been damaged. they didn't even look. they
hadn't noticed.

woke up saying what i was sayin' in the dream.

"how could they not know??"

wow.

how could they not know?

at first, the dream totally rattled me.

just saw it as part of me missing.
damaged.
all that stuff.

thing is....the bone sigh wasn't damaged.
well.....i don't know....it was missing.

okay great.
i've got part of me missing.
great.

and now, as i try to focus on what will take me somewhere,
i think...okay, now i know. now they know.

how do i get that bone sigh back??

i can stand here and look at a damaged box.....
or i can toss that box away, find my bone sigh....
and figure out if i want to send it again or not.

do you get a stronger box?
do you wrap it in more bubble wrap?
do you give it in a different manner?
do you give it to the same recipient?

ah, questions for the soul.
all the time focusing on where i need to go.........

but let's not forget....
first i gotta get that bone sigh back.

bone sighs

kelly and kim of empowerment sanctuary were
kind enough to feature me on their radio show
last nite. there was a lotta bone sigh reading,
and as i sat there and listened to them read
them i would think 'oh, yeah, i need to hear
that right now.'

grin.

i couldn't believe how much i needed to hear
some of those words!

there's one about committing to 'me, myself'
that particularly rang inside me as one to
pay attention to.

i thought that was pretty goofy.

you would think if i wrote them, i sorta kinda had
the concept down.

well....um........no.

i guess i have it for moments......

i'm kinda hopin' the moments will get longer and longer...

for now, i'm actually gonna go read a bone sigh to myself.

how weird is that?!

steppin up to a plate or two

there're a few plates sittin' in front of me
that i need to step up to today.

two big ones i can see, and i bet lotsa little
ones i haven't noticed yet today.

i'm kinda lookin' forward to the challenge...
i've got the 'focus' thing goin' on in my mind.
focus in the right direction, terri, and you'll
step up just fine.

now, both of these darn plates are complicated.
and i can step up confidant enough, but when i get
all mixed up in them, well, the focus gets fuzzy.

how to keep the focus focused???

at this point, i'm thinking sheer willpower will
be what gets me to do it today.

i have a choice.
how much do i want to make the right one??

how much do i want to grow???

how much do i want to get past those barriers??
how much do i want to let stuff i don't believe in
control me???

time for a little strength, and a whole lotta honesty.

focus focus focus and refocus

the word 'focus' keeps poppin' up in my life over and over.

this morning there was so much that was clear to me.
focus seemed to be part of it all...
since then, life's kinda happened all over the place
and it's been hard to keep up....

in an effort to not let this slip away, i thought i'd write
it out right now.....

what if it's as basic as 'focusing?!'
what you focus on.

that's been said in a gazillion different ways.
i've heard it over and over again.
tried it. got outta focus, tried it again.

i know for a fact it works.

so why do i slip outta focus or into focusing
in the wrong spot all the time???

because it's work?
work.
work.
work.

so??

okay.
so i tried this morning.
bam got hit and outta focus.
refocused.
good.
goin' good.
thunk.
something else fell into view.
okay.
refocus.

okay.
so it's gonna be a huge long time of goin'
'okay, let's try that again.'

i just have to know that and be okay with that.
i can do that.

the REAL killer tho is when i don't want to change
focus. when i want to indulge in the negative.
ohhhhhh that one will do me in real good.

that's the thing i have to arm wrestle with.

hmmmmm..... guess i just have to focus on making
it work.

grin.

regenerating belief

a huge grin and some excitement and total confusion on
my walk today....

walkin' and thinking about my beliefs in my self worth...
how much do i REALLY believe in that?!

the answer came quickly.......it's just not in my depths.

oh great.
did i have to answer that quickly?!

so, okay......HOW do i get it in there???
felt totally stumped and helpless.
for some reason i thought of this guy i heard on the radio
years and years ago.....mitchell may. he was in some horrible
accident and ended up regenerating bone and nerve. something
they all said could never be done....

as i walked, i couldn't remember what it was he regenerated
that had never been regenerated before. said to myself, 'i don't
really care what it was....i totally believe we can regenerate
anything if we really want to.'

bam.
right there.
stop.
grin.
um.
hellooooooo????

i totally believe that?!
well......how about the regenerating of belief?
how about the regenerating of self worth, self value???

helloooooooo.......

made me grin.
made me hope.
made me confused.

why not?

now the question is how.

not sure how....but i do think i have to be a bit more
active about it. not just figure it'll happen.
but be a bit more involved......

no one can do it for me.
it's up to me.
and i have an idea of where to start......
off to give it some thought.

keepin' your eyes on the prize.....

okay, the thought is still fuzzy.....
have to think thru more...
but i'm thinkin' it's a helpful one for me...

came up in a conversation this afternoon....

if you trust the intention of another person,
then you can do things from that foundation of trust
that you wouldn't be able to do otherwise.

um.
let me try that again....

i hit a rough spot with a friend. okay, say a real
rough spot. one that hits my vulnerabilities big time.
it's hard to reach out, or try to make it better or open
or whatever.

that's cause maybe i'm stuck on me.
i'm stuck on my vulnerabilities, my hurts. stuck on me.
but if i look on over at the other person and see that
i trust their basic intentions (and i may have to work
with that and look deeper than whatever it is that happened
to hurt me)...if there's a basic trust in their intentions
towards me, then i need to keep my eyes on that.

if i keep my eyes there, i can go and work it out.
if i keep my eyes on me, then i get stuck, and shut down.

it's a trust issue.

and how deep the trust goes......

and keeping your eyes on the trust....not the doubt.

a question of where you put your emphasis.....
where you put your power.

wow.
if i could only just live all this stuff........

it's only water

the kids won't be here forever.
so i'm tryin' to learn all those little things
they do for me.
tonite was changing the filter on our water filter.

i asked my son how to do it before i started.

he said it was super easy and i just unscrew this big
ol' thing here.....

well....he forgot the part about turning off the water!

who knew?

grin.

so i'm under the sink and water starts spraying everywhere!
i started laughing and hollerin' all at once. it was
just one of those things and it was funny.

today i had a life thing goin' on inside of me.
it hasn't been as much fun.
and yet....it's so similar.....

i don't know how to do it, i have to learn.
i ask for help, important parts are left out because
well.....who knew?
i get hit unexpectedly with cold water.

it never seems so funny tho.

wouldn't it be cool if it was as easy and free
as wiping up the water, laughing over the not knowing
and then putting it all back together???

i am pretty sure i'll never make it to that enlightened.....
even if i got 7895 life times to try.....
but i do see in this one that a sense of humor could really
help.....

lighten up she tells herself.
it's only water.

the lost quote

this quote got lost somehow....
i wrote it years ago and had it nowhere
except on a piece of art that got tucked
away....

i just pulled it out and read it again...

you didn't tell me pretty words,
you didn't offer me peace and grace,
you went with me to the depths of my
shame and anger.
you allowed me my darkness.
you allowed me to be real.
and it is in the dark realness
of my soul
that my healing began.....

done wrestling.....

self doubt.
shoot i hate that stuff.

i know very clearly what i feel.
but a life time of denying those things
makes it real easy to do it one more time......

and one more time she wrestled with her feelings,
trying to fit them where they belong.

doesn't really work, does it?
they aren't made to order.

too bad too, that seems like it'd be sooo much easier.

and so i'll stop wrestling.
and i'll stop fighting.

maybe i'll just allow......

ego vs spirit

since opening my heart is one of my big goals,
the times i don't, or the times i shut down, or the
times i roll up the gates get my attention.

i saw something today....

when i close down, i want to.
i want to close.
i don't want to be open.

is that a no brainer???

i guess it must be.

thing that confuses me is i've closed down before and wanted
to open up badly, but couldn't....or it took awhile.

so maybe i confused myself and thought i wanted to open before.
but if i wanted to, wouldn't i just do it??
i don't know.
you would think.

i know this time i saw i just didn't want to.

ultimately, i know i do.
but not so ultimately i don't.

this is prolly a tug between spirit and ego or something.

ego wins out temporarily, and hopefully, spirit will win out
in the long run....

i started to fight ego....and then said 'eh, what the heck.'
figure a little sleep and spirit has a better chance.....

what an incredible journey.

gifts

there's gifts.
then there's the not so obvious gifts.
and then there's the gifts you really have to dig for...
and then there's gifts that maybe i have to make up until i
can really see them....

the gifts in getting really close to someone are obvious.

the gifts in their leaving are not so obvious and i really have
to dig for others....

the gifts in their passing i haven't made up yet........
cause i can't figure them out.

are there gifts in everything?

i wonder.

my first thought today......

there are some beliefs about life i picked up
really young that are just really wrong...but
i didn't know....and now they're seeped in my bones.

tryin' to get them out is tough.....

things like......people come into your life and stay.

or life is constant, steady.

or you work at things to make them good...create the
white picket fence kinda life and you're set. happily
ever after. that kinda thing.

and of course 'good always wins.'

if you've got those things in your bones, it can create
havoc with your system.

at least it does with mine.

someone asked me last nite in a joking kinda way 'what is
it you're not saying terri? what truth are you not speaking?'

well, his cute little question was the first thing in my head
as i opened my eyes this morning.

and i knew what it was.
it was easy because i've already told myself i don't want to
say it out loud.

one thing i did right, was i didn't fight it. i just lay there
and looked at it. didn't want it, but looked at it anyway. still
don't want to say it out loud.

why would i?
why do you have to say something out loud that will come anyway
and will speak for itself?

maybe tho, speaking it out loud will release some of the pressure
inside me. maybe it will help me to share it with someone.....

and why the heck is that??
why does that help??

well, i actually 'wrote it out loud' yesterday....
that's a start.
think i'll leave it there for now.

but something i just don't get......HOW did i ever get those
wrong beliefs stuck in my bones??? and is that part of the reason
that things i can't say out loud bother me so much???

and maybe getting those wrong beliefs out is the wrong focus...
maybe getting the correct beliefs in is what i need to focus on.
because if they settle into my bones, the others will just have to
move on over....and out.....

life IS change.
life IS flow.
there is nothing stagnant about it.
people come in for a time, and then they go.
there is no happily ever after...but there are some deeply
happy times on the journey filled with all kindsa emotions.
the good things you share with people never die......people
do......but those things don't. and THAT'S what you can hold
on to.
good doesn't always win......but good CAN move mountains, love
CAN change things...and good touches in ways you can't know.
and thru it all, the only way to survive is to be able to release
your grasp.

release your grasp. and flow.

denise

you gotta love friends.
where would we be without them???
seriously.

first there was my best buddy coachin' me on the phone
today.....and it was some darn good coachin' that really
helped. it really mattered to me.

then i came in to a note from a really special friend,
denise.

her entire note put me in a different place. it reminded me
of all the things i believe in......she reminded me of the places
i've been and the places i want to go to. she reminded me to
live my dreams. all in the most loving, graceful, fun way.

here's a quote she included in her note that i thought was
worth sharin'.....

"Self-Love is our deep personal conviction that, when the music stops, we're absolutely okay...Self-love lends us much more than the power to care for ourselves as individuals in every way that we can conceive; it empowers us to thrive." -- Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee

wow, huh?

i loved that.
i love denise.

wanted to share........

delicious

'maybe it's delicious even when it isn't'

that's a line from the post below this one......

i like that line.......

today wasn't exactly delicious.
it was more 'challenging' than anything else....

but the delicious part that i found just now?

i made it thru and knew all along that i had a choice
of what i was gonna chose to grab and hold on to.

i think just knowing that helps you choose the good
thing to hold.....

and i sure got a lotta good things.....

mabye the delicious doesn't go away...
maybe we do....

maybe it's always delicious......maybe sometimes you
just gotta see it thru, stick around,
peek under a few layers of crust to
find the good stuff......

mmmmmm.....

back at it........

okay, so i plunked myself down smack on the floor,
sat with my legs straight out, lifted my head to the
sky and bawled.

grin.
okay, okay.......maybe just the little terri part of
me did.

but i felt like doin' that!

then i whined to a friend.......(big terri did that)

and then i sat there some more on the floor....(back
to little terri)

and then i picked myself up and said 'WELL?!'(both parts
of me did that)

so i'm typin' it out right now and then going off
to tackle the world.

it's up to me, isn't it???
it's entirely up to me.

and big girls keep on goin'........and keep on doin' what
they gotta do......and they make things work the best they
can.

i can do that.
i'm a big girl.

and i'm a little girl......
and i'm a teenager....
and i'm ancient......
and i'm everything........

it is what it is, isn't it?
and maybe it's delicious even when it isn't.

grin.
back at it.......

tryin'....

camille posted a comment on the totally muddled post
that got me thinking this morning....
(thanks, camille!!)
she said that letting go is allowing a situation to BE...
not fighting or resisting it.

sigh.......

i read that and my whole body just kinda sighed.

does anyone else find themselves fighting things all the time?!

my gosh!

i was at it again last nite.

i so want to open my heart. i want that to be what i do.
i was doin' that big time....opened easily.....and then when
i did, i felt some pain i really didn't want to feel.
so bam. let me just close up a little bit here, it'll be easier.

then the fight starts.
no, don't do that. that's not what you want to do.
oh yes it is.
no, no, no....that's not how you want to live.
well i don't want to feel this pain anymore so if it means
part way open, i'm okay with that.
no, no, no.

and on the fight went.
it got into beating myself up pretty good.

if i'm not doin' that then i'm fighting a situation,
or fighting a reaction to it, or fighting the need to fix it.

my gosh.
who knew?
i'm a fighter.

and that's not so good, ya know?

ya see that? i even want to fight the fact that i'm a fighter.

a feisty ol' fighter.
sometimes that's a good thing.
sometimes not so good.

i was told in a not so subtle way last nite that i wasn't loving
myself by beating myself up.....

loving yourself must be allowing yourself to feel, huh?
a no brainer once again.

if you really can't offer your all unless you really love
yourself....and you really can't love yourself unless you feel...
and you really can't feel unless you hold it all......

then i guess i just gotta hold it all.

and then you let it go.

jeesh. life certainly is a challenge........

perspectives and personal power

there's prolly nothing more obnoxious than pouring your
heart out to a friend and them telling you that you really
don't have a problem!

and um.....that's kinda exactly what i did to a friend yesterday.

i did preface it with it would sound really obnoxious and snotty
and i didn't mean it that way.....

that prolly didn't help much.

grin.

i wasn't all that bad about it......but still it's a point that's
hard to make sweet.

i told her i was finally figurin' perspective out. that it didn't mean i
didn't mope, cry, and wallow anymore! i'm real good at all of those
things.....it just meant that while i did those things i STILL had
a perspective.

all the problems i have, i can change.
i have power over them.
i don't have any horrible news comin' my way that i can't change.

if we have power over what's goin on.....how cool is that?!
those are the easy problems! even if they feel like the weight of
the world.

maybe they feel like the weight of the world exactly because we're
NOT handling them.

so let's get up and handle them.

it's entirely up to us.

so that when the big tragic unchangeable news comes our way...
and it comes in a thousand different forms to everyone.....
well, we'll know we didn't waste the good that we did have.

life is short!
i so want to grab it!!!

seeing and honesty, holding and letting go

why the heck is honesty so darn hard??

wouldn't you think that being honest with ourselves
would be one of the most important things there is
we can do.
maybe THE most important thing??

and yet.......over and over i see myself not doin' it,
and i see others not doin' it with themselves.

i watched it recently outside of myself. (always easier
to watch someone else doin' it!) and saw it was fear
based....of course.

no brainer there, i guess.

fear to really look at things.

thing is........isn't it scarier to get to the end of the
road and realize you never really looked???

that's scarier to me.

i saw it clearly today.

i was about to write that it's not so bad to look.

well, yeah, sometimes it's not.
sometimes tho...it is.
it's tough.
really tough.
and then you have to hold what you see.

i wrote a bone sigh once that really matters to me:

'you can't let go of what you haven't held.'

and i guess that needs to be prefaced with

'you can't hold what you haven't seen.'

totally muddled

as i walked today i thought of the phrase
'it is what it is.'
that's the latest thought that's been lingering
a bit in my mind....

as far as i can tell, it's acceptance of a situation.

i like it.
wish i could feel it a whole lot more than i do...

but there's something that bothers me with it all....
i feel like when i have acceptance, i don't have other
emotions.....and i'm not sure that's okay with me.

i want to have acceptance and still have compassion
and caring and other things i can't think of right now....

i thought of times when i feel really compassionate.
i don't have a lotta acceptance then.
i want to change things, wish they were different,
maybe even hate the whole situation.....

it's definitely not an even keel of acceptance.

when it's related directly to me, i think of hurts
i've had. when i say 'it is what it is' it's like i've
let go of it all, don't want anything anymore, am
walking away from it.....

it's more of a giving up than an acceptance.

hmmm.......
so even when i think i've got acceptance, i wonder if what
i've got is letting go.....giving up.

is that the same thing??
no.
can't be.

hmmm........now i'm thinking i have no idea of what acceptance
really is.

ha.
go figure.

not only do i NOT have it......i don't even KNOW what it is!!

wow.
guess i have some more thinking to do......

business at the airport

i got all tickled last nite.
i gotta go pick up a friend at the airport.
i love airports.
i asked the boys if they wanted to go with me.
i got all excited. said we could go early and
have a business meeting at the airport!
we can find a place to sit and have a drink
and talk business.
they said they'd go along.
ohhhhhhhh i squealed! we'll be like big shots
havin' a business meeting at the airport!
i got all excited.

and then......

josh said......

mom, people don't have business meetings at
airports.

thunk.
wham.

my glee fell flat.

really?? sure they do........they gotta go somewhere
so they meet up at the airport....

no, mom......they go somewhere FROM the airport.

hmmmmm....yeah.
he's got a point.

sadness.
bummer.

and then i brightened.

oh well.
we'll still go and pretend we're big shots!
we'll still go have a business meeting at the airport!
as a matter of fact, we should do this once a month!
make it a habit!
it'll be great!!!

we'd have to say things like:

'sorry, you can't catch me then, i've got a meeting at the
airport.'

'sorry, i can't do that for you right then, i have a meeting
at the airport.'

who could resist?!

'oh, yeah, i'll call you when i get back from my meeting at
the airport....'

'oh today? it's my airport meeting day....'

grinnin' from ear to ear.

we're gonna do it anyway.

we're gonna mix play and work and pretend and real
and fun and seriousness...

hmmmm....could become a way of life, ya know?

jenna

ever work real hard to keep your perspectives in order
and while you think you have it.....you really don't
in your heart??
maybe your head has it straight.....
but not your bones??
maybe the worry has twisted you up and made you fuzzy?
maybe the blurry future is just tweakin' you enough
to knock you off center and your bone knowledge is lower
than usual.....???

that happens to me, but i usually don't know my persepctives
are off and not really in my bones until i've got it in my bones....
it's then i think 'ohhhhh yeah.....i didn't really have
that then, did i ??'

i'm not exactly sure what the triggers are to get something
in my bones....if it's usually the same thing or not...
but this time it was reading a few thoughts from a beautiful
woman.

it started here........
with the latest blog called 'what's in the bowl.'

and then it finished off with an email this woman wrote me this
morning.....
she doesn't know it. she was just sharing some thoughts.

but she brought it all back for me.......
that i have got to follow my heart no matter what.
that the money will come.....even if it slows down and scares
me. that caring and trying and believing and crying and
falling and getting back up and doin' it again are what it's
all about. that it's not just a business.....that it's a life....
and that i really am okay and will be okay. and that even when
none of it makes sense, you just gotta keep goin....

how did i get all that from one blog and one note?
from her beauty.
from her giving. from her caring. from her living her
offering........

and she's just doin' it. not knowing that she touched me,
moved me, reminded me, nudged me, guided me, helped me
find my way back........

it is in living our offerings that we transform overselves
and we touch the world.......she just proved it to me.

i wish that thought would stop slipping thru my fingers...
but maybe it has to.
maybe that's part of the deal......

in any case, i saw her beauty today, and it touched
me in places that have been too tight for me to touch on
my own.......

jenna, thank you.

communication

i got a bird's eye view of two people making an effort
to really communicate with each other. i got to watch,
even participate a little bit, but mostly i got to watch
right up close...

and it wasn't working.
and they had no clue of HOW MUCH it wasn't working.

how do we talk to each other so that everyone's
heard and understood?

is it really possible???

how do we talk so there's real progress made??

there's blinders, baggage, and motivations that
get so in the way that it really seems out of
reach most times.

so i sit and think of the times i've seen communication
work...
what's made it that way???

true caring for the other person.
belief in the other person...that they can hear and respond.
balanced perspective....that both people matter equally.
a willingness to give.

yeah.
i think you gotta have those things......

now......throw in the blinders, baggage and motivations....
and even if you have all that, it ain't easy.

what if you DON'T have all that???
do you even try???

i just sat here and looked at the list......
i know of one person i can't communicate with....i have three
of the things on the list...which seems really good.
but i lack the belief they can hear and respond.
so i don't even try.
hmmm........

so what do you do??
do you admit defeat and get out of each other's way???

wow.....
i wonder.........

in training

thinking hard this morning.
on how to make a difference.
how to help.

there's really only one place to start,
isn't there?
ya gotta start with yourself and THEN move
on from there.

i don't treat my body healthy enough.
i'm 'not bad' on the scale of things...
but i'm not sending it the messages of love
and respect that it deserves.

and i want to know why.

i think i need to get a grip on that before
i can offer more to the world....

i just set a goal for myself.......
ONE WEEK of treating my body the way it should
be treated.
AND THEN i sit down with myself and ask myself if
i'll continue.
if not....WHY?
if so....then another week and more asking.

gonna take a month to watch myself.
if i REALLY want to help, to make a difference,
to touch my world.....i need to be loving me in
the process. and that is the most tangible way i
can think of.....

so.
i start there.
this very moment.
i'm going to consider myself 'in training' to
love the world.....
this could be interesting.......

big news!

sometimes it's difficult dating a logical person.

i was just so excited to tell him some BIG news.....
and well....he didn't think it was that big.
apparantly it's just news to me.

grin.

when i complained that he wasn't very excited,
he explained to me that i had a way of surprising
myself over and over. he then started wonderin'
if i did that as a little kid...you know.....open
the closet and say 'ohhhhhhhh look!!' and be all
tickled and surprised with what was there.

ahem.

i didn't answer that.
cause um....maybe sorta.........
i kinda did that kinda thing....maybe.
sorta.

so.......
i've got this news. which isn't news except to me.

okay.
so it's news to me.

my inner child is just goin' crazy to be let out
a lot more!!!!!!!

and i'm kinda delighting in the whole idea!!!!

someone suggested to me recently to 'consult with
little terri' in some work decisions.

ohhhhhhh i liked that idea.
and well....yeah! i've done it several times since.
and well......um.......maybe we've created a monster...
cause it's fun!
and she wants to play!!!
and be part of things!!!

wouldn't that just be so awesome?!

i think it's BIG news!!!

power tools.....

i was just talking about this twice to two different
people in an hour, so i'm thinking maybe i want to type it
out...

i just heard myself say 'i feel like a little kid with some
new tools. i'm jumpin' around thrilled i have them, but not
sure how to use them yet!'

and that is so what i'm feeling.

i've been looking around me for the last few days and realizing
big time that i really don't have any problems. my problems are
emotional growth kinda things.....but they aren't the real, tough
life stinks stuff that so many people around me are dealing with.
stuff i've had in the past......but don't have now!!
i very clearly see how good i have it.
and i very clearly feel grateful about that.
(this is the tool i'm talking about. this would be my new power
drill that i don't know how to work yet.....)

at the same time, i'll get sad about something, overwhelmed about
something else, heavy with yet something else. all very valid things.
all things that matter and do produce sad feelings.

here's where the tool part comes in.....
i look down at my new power drill (gratitude and perspective)
and think....okay...i'm sad, overwhelmed, heavy, BUT i know i
am so darn lucky at the same time.

stop.
pause.

this is NOT the thing that you hear when you're down and annoys
you so.....you know......."think about the people starving in
africa. you really don't have any problems, so spunk up, get up
and get over yourself." that can drive you nuts when you're hurting.

it's a real deep down knowing that it really could be a whole lot
worse and i really can handle this.

i want to learn the balance.
learn the balance of holding things, feeling feelings, hurting...
and knowing that it's not all that bad.

i want to learn the balance of feeling the sad and letting it be
there without having it take my whole life away with it.

and i think i am.
i mean, i'm seein' the power drill sitting there for real for the
first time ever.

i'm thinking things like 'what REALLY matters here?'
and using perspective at times i never could before.....

i feel like i've got the drill at my feet, the manual in my hands...
but it's printed in CHINESE!
grin.

i don't quite understand it yet.....
but maybe with a little trial and error, i can figure it out.

the lightspeakers

i just read this in a newsletter put out by christie
and the lightspeakers and i loved it!!!!


>>>>>>>>
Though you may not admire some patterns created as much as others, some
you may even find offensive, still , they are your creations. Not inflicted upon you
these patterns but yours to re-assemble, rearrange and then appreciate with full
responsibility. You are the artist, the art and the appreciative viewer.
>>>>>

i love that!
i liked the rearranging the pattern part the most.
we CAN rearrange our patterns.

i like that a lot.

you can find christie and the lightspeakers at
www.thelightspeakers.com.

a laugh........

this made me belly laugh last nite....
let me see if i can set it up so someone else can
at least smile from it!

we have a routine in my house that just sorta happened
and now it's part of the nite time ritual.

i'm usually the first to head to bed. so after i'm all
cleaned up and sittin' in bed with a book, the kids will
wander in one at a time and sit down and talk. it doesn't
take long for everyone to gather and we end up tellin' stories
that haven't had a chance to get told yet, or talk about
something that's been bothering us or ask for advice from
the others on something. it's really a highlight of the day.
sometimes it's just goofin' and chattin'....but i guess most
times it's more than that.

that was clear last nite by yo yo's reaction to something
that happened!!!

zakk was the first one in and we were talkin'about the coolness
of the evening and the fans in the house and that kinda stuff.
i was asking him about his bedroom door as i wanted to make sure
he got some air flow thru there. it was a technical house conversation.

yo walked in and sat down in a chair. he heard me ask zakk
about his closed door. there was a little back and forth between
zakk and i before yo sat up and leaned forward in his chair...
his eyes were all scrunched up and he looked totally confused.

and the he said:
"are you talkin' about a REAL door?? a door door???"

my turn to look confused.
my turn to scrunch.
uh huh.

"OHHHHHHHHH" he says and leans back. "i thought you were talkin'
about a door inside zakk. inside his feelings or something."

i leaned back into my pillows and just belly laughed!!!!
what can it possibly be like for these three young men to be
growin' up with all this talk of their inner feelings????
when talk of doors is talk of your insides....when the question
'how are your insides today' is normal......when they're quized
on what was going on psychologically in a certain happening in
their lives????

i went to sleep grinnin........

i love them so much.

yeah. okay.

oh darn if i didn't get into another one of those
conversations....one of those ones where i start to
see some really really deep stuff inside of myself
and i think 'how in the world am i ever gonna get
myself together?!'

but then this real real big determination kinda crept
over me....the 'well?! you gonna do something or just
be a victim?!' kinda thing......

yeah!
i'll do something i shout back to myself!
just watch.

and then three seconds later i just about wilt in discouragement.
what the heck am i gonna do???

grin.
grin.
grin.

i don't know what the heck i'm gonna do.
but i see some really really deep stuff inside me that isn't
right. you know......the ol' not valuable garbage sneakin'
up.
and it's not right.
and it's gotta go.

i have this best friend in the whole world, see.
he can drive me outta my mind and make me crazy like no one
else...he can also be my hero.

i looked at him tonite and told him....
i'll try really hard here.....but i sure could use some help
cause i have no idea how to work on this.

eye ball to eye ball we stared at each other....
and we nodded.
yeah, okay, we said.
and then we grinned.
and then we nodded some more.
yeah, okay, we said again.
then we nodded.
then we started laughing.

neither one of us has a clue....
but we both know i gotta.....

because you can't really live real if you don't see
your value.......

and i'm goin' for the real....

lessons from the trash man....

i was out on my walk this morning when i saw the trash
truck barrelin' my way. the street isn't all that wide
and i have this idea that if i get out of their way a
bit, it's not only safer for me, but it spreads good will.
grin.
no kidding.
that's pretty goofy, isn't it?

well....maybe not......because i crossed the street to get
out of the way of the biggest weeds, and stepped into the
smaller weeds on the other side. i didn't really want to step
in the weeds as i didn't want to get ticks or chiggers, but
figured it would be quick enough. so i stepped right in.
stood there. watched them comin' with a grin on my face.

these guys are familiar. see them on lotsa walks. and there
was the driver......giving the goofiest, friendliest, warmest
wave you could possibly give someone. my heart melted and i
gave him the goofiest, friendliest wave i could back.

they barreled on, i stepped outta the weeds still grinnin'.

as i walked, i thought about life.....
about the people that i find most challenging....
why couldn't i think of them as the garbage man......

barrelin' down my little street in life. kinda loud and so there
that i couldn't really ignore them......dangerous if i stay in
the way of their path....but really okay if i step into the weeds.
i can pick which weeds....don't step in the really big ones...
go to the smaller ones.....
i don't have to like stepping in the weeds, but if i know it's
for just a moment to let them pass, if i can send them a goofy
wave and let them keep goin....well, that would be great!
no chiggers, no ticks.......just step on out and leave the weeds
behind....

i started gettin' into this...
yeah... BUT the real trash man doesn't ask me to sit in the garbage
and go for a ride with him.
these challenging people do that.

well.....what if the real garbage man DID do that?!

i laughed as i thought of it.
well, easy.....i'd either look at him like he's outta his mind
and laugh and say no thanks, i'm walkin'. or i'd try to not show
that i thought he was outta his mind, laugh and say no thanks,
i'm walkin'.

the no thanks, i'm walkin' was a definite. of course. the laughter
came easy cause i couldn't take it seriously.

well???
why don't i do that?!
it seemed so easy when i looked at it that way!!!

if the real trash man asked me if i wanted to have tea with him....
well....i MIGHT. depends. what i thought his motives were. if they
seemded friendly enough, okay. i would. but that's it. i'd have tea
and move on. wave the next time i saw him.

well???
how about that with the challenging people in my life??

ohhhhhh..........this whole thing could work for me!
it actually made so much sense to me as i walked along!

and the laughter......the not taking it seriously.....the letting
it just come and go......

wouldn't this just be so awesome?!

that trash man this morning.....
he just made my whole day!!!

and i gotta say.......besides being a wonderful visual for my life...
i think he's a really wonderful man. you can't exude the goofy warmth
he did this morning and not have a wonderful heart.....

i toast him in so many ways this morning!
and i'm so glad he's out there....

it is what it is.

there are certain things in life that suck.

i've been a bit teary eyed over one of those
sucky (suckey??? suckie??)things for the last half an hour....

actually, that's not too bad...only half an hour.
i remember a time when it was days that i was teary!
grin.
that's not bad at all.

it sucks.
and it is what it is.
and i think of the post this morning.
about not being in victim mode.
about making the day what i want....

i've got something i gotta say to someone.
and then i've got to be ready to say something
to someone else when the time comes.

and that's it.
i don't have to do any more than that.

uh.
no.
that's not right.
i have something big i gotta do......

i gotta take my evening back and make it mine.
and let the things that suck live somewhere else....

yeah.
yeah.
it certainly is a beautiful evening......
cause it's mine.
and it doesn't suck.

modes

looking at the sunbeams come thru the trees this
morning....

another day.
another gift.

what do i do with it???

ahhhhh.......that's the question, isn't it?

i can make it what i want.
thing is.....
what is it i REALLY want?!

is my desire for beauty and joy stronger than
my desire to wallow and want????

ha!
you would think so, wouldn't you?!

i'm seein' real clearly that if i just step
outta the darn victim mode and grab my life....
it's soooooo much more fun!!!

i'm in 'make it what you want' mode.....

i like that mode..........
now. how long can i hang on to that one?!

the gift of living......

ya know how sometimes something will just drop on your head
and you'll REALLY see it??!!

i'm healthy right now.
i keep thinkin' i'm old.
ahem.
noooooo............
not THAT old.
and i'm healthy.

you don't get to keep that forever.
it's a gift.

one that you don't want to hand away because you're
thick headed, or blind, or just not aware.
those would be really really bad reasons to hand
the gift away......

i sooooo want to embrace that gift.

self doubts, shaky self love, scary journeys.
shoot.
none of that matters.

it's all part of the deal.

dance, ter......while you've got the ability.

dance and enjoy.........

seeing

how long do we see ourselves with other's eyes?

that's entirely up to us, isn't it?
entirely our choice.

pass me the eye wash please.........

muddled and cloudy and okay with that...

walkin' and thinkin'.....
feelin' really fuzzy brained this morning and likin' it.
just driftin' amoung the clouds....
no answers, just watchin' and wonderin'......

went something like this.....

if i think that everyone deserves love. everyone has
beauty inside them... (okay...we'll eliminate the evil stuff
for now and keep this easy...as that stuff gets me really
confused!!)everyone's worthy.

so, bottom line.....everyone's worth loving.

if that's the bottom line,
what gets in the way of self love?

'i'm not worth it.'

'i don't deserve it.'

'i'm bad.'

'they deserve more than i do.'

well..um.....that doesn't go with my bottom line.
that doesn't fit.

so what are those things?
self doubt?

and then i started thinking about self doubt.

doesn't even have to be specifically SELF doubt.

doubt.

that stuff's poison.
and i carry far too much poison in my pocket.

if we KNEW we were worthy, valuable, seeable, worth
loving......if we KNEW that.....wouldn't it change
everything?

and so my focus kinda changed over here.....
while the GOAL is the same....self love......
the focus changed to DOUBT......

eliminating the doubt.

how do you do that???

then i thought of arrogance.
isn't that when there's no doubt of your value?
won't you become arrogant if you have no self doubt??
and i laughed.
NOOOOOO.......
it is SO opposite that. i think arrogance is when
you're doubting so big time you gotta convince yourself....
and it just doesn't work. you think it works, but my gosh,
you're walkin' around in such a big head game.

so i don't really think there should be a fear of arrogance...
this is not separating you like arrogance does......
this is inclusive.
what you apply to yourself, you apply to everyone.
everyone's valuable. everyone's worthy.

so why aren't you?

core beliefs??

okay.
focus changes from self love to self doubt to core beliefs.

how do you change core beliefs???

maybe you open your eyes and look.

maybe it's that simple.

so why don't you???
what's that about???

what's the security in not seein' your own beauty,
value, worth??????

what the heck is the security there?
and how is it so strong it could hold your entire life
in its hands??

i sit with the questions today not hangin' on tight like
i usually do.......but just watchin'........
it feels almost comical this morning to be in the middle
of this muddle called life....

you offer it

what if it's all you got???

what if it's who you are???

you offer it then, don't you???

you offer it.

someone very wise....someone i love very much....
once told me this....

once you've made your choice, it becomes a matter of trust.

i love that.

how come?

i can't figure this out.

this entire week things have been 'going wrong' for me.

whole week.

practical things, personal things, thing things.

and i just keep pluggin' away.

in the past i woulda kept pluggin' away, but in a mess of
a way. over emotional, over dramatic, overly messy kinda way....

not this time.
this time i've been (fairly) calm. i've been (fairly) mature.
i've been (fairly) level headed.

how come???
am i just getting old???
you know.......who's got the energy to care anymore???
am i just in some weird freaky form of denial???
you know...oh, no, that really didn't rip my heart out....

or???
could it be???
could it be that i'm actually startin' to learn something???

nahhh.
couldn't be.
must be some freaky form of denial in my old age....

self love

ohmygosh......
this self love stuff is hard.
specially if you've been trained to give yourself
away. shoot, i can't believe what great training i
had with that! it's settled way deep inside.
whew.
talk about conflicting themes!

i found myself giving myself away again.
even when i knew i was doin' it, i kept doin' it.

sigh.

why???
why do i do that???

there's other issues swirling inside at the same time.
and i think that confuses me.
i get lost in tryin' to see the other person and in
the caring for them.

and sometimes i really have trouble separating all the
things swirling. life won't let me stop and sit quietly
and sort thru it. so i usually don't have time to think,
and generally mess up!!!

even when i knew i had to talk to the other person about
this, i didn't want to because i didn't want to hurt them.

my outer self was sayin' 'nahhhhhhhh i don't need to talk
to them about this.' and yet my inner parts were screaming
'are you crazy?! YES YOU DO!"

while i did do that, and while that will all work itself out...
it's really ME i need to talk to about this stuff.

someone once gave me a way to figure out your life passion is
that i just loved.

he said that your passion is what you just can't stop doing.
if god (or whoever's in charge...this IS just an example!!!)
came and tapped you on the shoulder and said you'll lose everything
if you don't stop doin' that.....your passion would be the thing
that you couldn't stop doin'. even then. i just loved that.

maybe self love's kinda a twist on that......
maybe it's the thing that you can't stop doin' no matter what.
no matter what the pressure........it's the thing you have to
have thru it all......and be willing to lose the other things in
life to save that.

and maybe that's why it's such a big deal.
because sometimes i think i WILL lose other things in my life if
i have that......
and it scares me.

but that fear's based on something misguided......
anything you lose for the sake of self love isn't worth keeping.

yeah. yeah.
i know that in my head.

i've actually lived it big time. lost people big time. and have
to keep reminding myself that it really is okay....

like i say......i know it in my head.

i need it deep inside my bones now.
that's where i need it....

flop. splat.

i'm sittin' here in a great mood, laughing....
i think i've lost my mind.

i took my life back this week, right?!
well, i had a project i was workin' on with bone sighs
that symbolized it for me.
a new product to offer.
i knew all along it was symbolic to me.
it was something that lit the fire under me.
something that seemed to hold some good possibilities for us.
something just different and new.

i really dived into it.

and well, it totally flopped.

FLOP.
FLOP.
FLOP.

well, i think.
grin.
pretty sure.
almost positive.
yeah, it did.
maybe.

BUT for some reason, it hasn't totally depressed me!

i just wrote a friend and said that it's kinda funny
that a project that symbolized me taking my life back
just flopped. that's not exactly the symbol you want,
ya know???

but i'm choosing to ignore that part!!
i like the part about it felt so good to dive into it,
to believe we can do it. that kinda thing..

i still have that feeling.
it didn't go away when we fell splat.
that's a good thing.

the part that i love about the whole story is this part:
"i'm choosing to ignore the flop part of the symbolism'

honest to pete, if i could just choose to ignore the stuff
that's not so good but doesn't matter!!!!
ohhhhh wouldn't that be awesome!!!

so even in it's flopping, this project teaches me......

flop.
splat.
i'm still happy.

man, that feels good.......

woe........

okay.
so i turn to refocus (see blog below)
and the kids have on some song i've heard a million times
before but have never really heard the lyrics.

i like the anguish the guy sings one of the refrains in.
always have. told the kids i like that part. their eyes
always go big with surprise. they tell me it's about someone
in a coma.

so, okay. i'm refocusing. and on comes that anguished voice.
i stop.
okay. i need to read the lyrics.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh mannnnnnnnnnnnnn...........that's exactly what
the song's about. the other side of the coma......if you were
the guy layin' there.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhh mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn..........

want to refocus outta the sad into the gratitude?!
just listen to a song like this.

my gosh,
sad just doesn't hold up for me right now when i hear this.

gratitude comes floodin' in.....

and once again my goofy kids have helped me see.......

ya gotta love male teen energy~!

flexin' those muscles.......

i just had a talk with myself....
told myself it's all about 'focus.'
and i know it is.
i know it.

so.
okay.
i gotta refocus.
it's a choice, ya know?
it really really is.

something happened that made me sad.
i sat with it. felt it. really really felt it.
i could feel this chunk of sad inside.
that's okay.
sad's okay.
and it's not all of me.
just a piece sitting inside.
know it's there, and move on to the other.

okay, so i've been tryin'.
but i'm preoccupied. wanting things i'm not getting.
great.
those stinkin' needs again.

what about taking my life back??
grin.
okay.
i'm there.
i've been doin' it. but not quite with so much gusto.
this kinda popped a tiny little hole into the sails.

but then i thought.....this is my choice.
there's a gazillion fun projects goin' on with bone sighs
right now......
i want to focus on them.
i want to smile as i work on them.
i want to feel that excitement inside.

that's my choice, isn't it??

it's the focus thing.

why is it so much easier to focus on the sad?????

maybe it's not.

maybe that's just a dumb habit.

maybe i just have to focus so hard on those good
things that i totally forget the sad.

why not???
i can do it the other way around.

think it's prolly just a matter of exercising some
inner muscles......

i think i can do this.
i know i can do this.
if i can't, i might as well give up now.
grin.
and i ain't doin' that.

nope.

i've got a world to conquer, kids to bother,
and a soul that needs to go dance a bit......

think i'll go flex my dancin' muscles.

deliberate or unintentional or both?

so i sit and wonder....

how much of what we do is deliberate?
how much is unintentional?

and do we know which is which????

and do we trick ourselves into thinking it's
unintentional when it's not.....

or even the other way......that it's deliberate
when it's not....

sometimes i just gotta wonder........

respect

had a conversation just a bit ago with a friend...
it was one of those heavy ones. she's tryin' to make
some big decisions in her life.

we talked of love, kindness, respect, and being honest
with yourself.

i've been doin' a lotta thinking since i hung up....

i see SO clearly right now how incredibly important
respect is in a relationship. i really don't think you
can have one without it. i really don't. it seems like
a no brainer.

but we let that slide all the time.
why?
man, that's a good question, isn't it??
and i'm sure there's a thousand reasons....

one that came up in the conversation was the non respecting
of your own self.

if you don't resepct yourself, you allow others to disrespect
you.

all simple, easy concepts til you sit and think about your own
life and where you let that happen....
at least, that's how it works for me.

oh, it's easy to say to someone 'are you sure you're respecting
yourself here?'
um.......i think that's one heck of a question i should be asking
my own self all day, every day.
with every action, every word.

respect.
hmm.........
i'm thinkin' it's as powerful a word as love.
maybe they're the same thing??

she took her life back...part one.

you guys ever read those really cool thoughts where people
say that you leave part of your soul back where there was trauma?
or you got hurt and lost a piece of yourself? or that kinda thing?
whenever i read them, they're worded so beautifully and i've always
been intrigued by the visual.

ever hear that 'call your spirit back' stuff?!
go back to the scene and call your spirit back.
i like that. it's kinda dramatic and powerful.

well, i hadn't really thought of any of that with myself lately....
but i think i kinda just did that in my own backwards kinda way.
as usual....i needed the universal shove into it all. and i got it.

i think i just did it.
last nite i couldn't sleep. i was wired. just layin' there.
and i grinned and thought.....maybe you don't sleep when you take
your life back. maybe you look out the window at the nite and feel
the beauty.

i sat on my bed and looked outside......
the world was mine......and it seemed so peaceful last nite.

she took her life back....part two

i'm not sure how it happened....
i think a bunch of things collided bam bam bam
right in a row. and i think they blew something
to smithereens!
i don't remember that ever happening to me before.

i'm fascinated and grateful.

i saw the players in my life differently.
i saw me totally differently.
something popped.

i've been hangin' on....frustrated...tired...
determined....scared....overwhelmed....

um. excuse me, terri....all those should be signs
that you're head (heart??) isn't in the right place...
and they weren't. and i saw them. but i couldn't seem
to shift things.

well, the universe shifted it for me.

and i think the way i saw it was thru my 'needs'.....
i've decided i'm going to really look at my needs.
determine what they are. are they something i'm really
not getting, or something i'm just not seeing i'm getting?
are they something i can fill myself? something i can get
from various sources?

as i started to sort thru all that, i saw how much of my
life i've just let go of. i saw how i've just sat back
and given it away....

am i being a victim?
ah! isn't THAT a good one?!

with work...i've been lost. not sure where to go. worried
about the finances....
when i started it was a lot worse, and yet i had the drive to
just keep goin'. my drive was just about disappeared......
until now.

it was back full force yesterday.
i'm gonna make it what i want it. that's mine. up to me.
and i can feel the energy back like it was....

with someone i've been avoiding in my life........i've decided
to go visit...my partner asked me last nite what the goal was
in the vist......my answer?
'because i can.'

i want to grab MY life and make it MINE.
no.....no.......not "want to".......I AM grabbing my life.
it IS mine again.

and that question from the other day (see 'are you ready' post
below!)...."are you ready?"
it really bugged me that i wasn't.

guess what?!

I AM!

she took her life back...part three

he had hurt me.
and he hadn't really even given me what i needed
in response to that.
well......no.....he hadn't really given me what
i WANTED in response to that....

what i needed was there.......i just had to keep my
eyes open and see it. he wasn't making it incredibly
easy....but that part was up to me.

i chose to love him.
i chose to put it out there, let him know...then let
him know i was also aware of the love we had. and
i was going to concentrate on that.

it worked.
love......it has a power that never ceases
to amaze me....a power unlike anything else in the world.
it sealed the deal for me.

the awareness that i was stepping back into my life was
swirling inside of me....i knew something was going on, but
hadn't put it all together yet.

it wasn't until i opened up to my partner, loved him, and
let go that the deal seemed sealed.

i had made a shift.
i had let go of a ghost.
i had grabbed my spirit back.
and i stepped back into the game.

relationships

ya know, i'm not exactly sure what i think of 'relationships.'
i'm in one.
and i'm grateful for it.
BUT ya know that one sentence you hear all the time about them...??
you know the one.....'it's a lotta work.' THAT ONE.
shoot.
they aren't kidding.

driving down the road last nite i honestly understood why women
choose to date women!! it seems like it has got to be easier.
okay.
grin.
don't shoot me.
i know they ALL have their complications.

but just the idea of the mars/venus brains can send me over
the edge.......

things that are so incredibly obvious to me, are seen as totally
different matters to him....
approaches, thought processes, all that stuff......it's ALL
so different.

i KNEW it was a lot of work to have a relationship....i was
married for 20 years. i thought i did work then....but not enough.
knowing it wasn't enough, i work way way harder now...

and i find it exhausting sometimes.

and it's when i hit these times....when the frustration hits the
ceiling, when it hits so hard that i just don't even want to solve
the problem....those times...

if i can step just a little bit aside...and look at it from the side,
i see this is the best thing in the world for me.

to love someone so different than i am....to love someone so much
that i trust him even when he's a tremendous clod...
this is stretching me.

my sweet cloddish neanderthal is stretching me.

sigh.

honestly, i had NO idea how much work relationships are.

and i'm not sure what i think of them....
i see them as incredible, amazing, fulfilling, frustrating,
crazy, draining, exhilirating, maddening, saddening, joyful,
scary,wonderful things.......

nobody told me this when i was growing up!!!

are you ready??

had dinner with a new buddy last nite.
the question 'are you ready?' came up....

some things just grab me.
stop me in my tracks.
this one did.

are you ready?

what if someone came up to you ready to introduce
you to the next phase of your life? what if they
didn't tell you what it was, but asked you that???

okay.
i'm stopped.
right there.
thinking....
um.
NO!!!

grinnin' over here.
that's NOT GOOD!
i want to be ready!!!

okay, so i cut myself some slack. i looked at
the past year....that in itself has been one heck
of a journey. so i'm just feelin'like i'm recoverin'
from that. just really gettin' my feet back on land
again.
don't ask me if i'm ready for another journey!!!
i'm still restin'!!

thing is....
i'd like to be.

i'd like to be ready.
ready for the next adventure.
for the next phase.

my friend looked at me and commented that it seemed
like i had some unfinished things to take care of.
i grinned at her.
yeah, i said. and i don't want to.

and then.....i went home.
and there it was. the open door......
the open door to the unfinished business.
right there.
ya gotta wonder sometimes.
timing is everything.
i grabbed it and opened it wider.

i didn't realize until this morning,
think that was my making my announcement to the
universe...

yeah, i'm ready.

figure i'm gonna go walk thru something i don't
want to...because then i'm free to walk thru
things i do want to....then i'm ready.

what a journey...
what a ride........
are you ready???

good quote

i saw this quote in a vid someone just sent me.......

i loved it!

'throw your heart over the fence - the rest will follow.'

i absolutely love that!
it's from norman vincent peale, i think. and i may have
totally spelled his name wrong.......but you know who i mean....

holly

so holly posted a comment on the 'glowing strands' blog...
and i bopped all over the place tryin' to figure out how to
respond to her. i still don't know! and then it occurred to me...
write her right here. because this isn't just to holly...
it's to every woman who has come thru my life showing me what
holly showed me just now....

that blog post related to something i've been strugglin' with
for a long time now....

i watched a little girl get court ordered to go back to a bad
situation. that's as far as i want to get into it because i still
don't have the stomach to talk much about it.

the blog post mentioned the magic inside that little girl and
the possibilities of her living into that magic some day.

holly commented.
just beginning to see her own golden strands of potential,
knowing she has to be true to herself.

bam. the light went on.
ever since i started bone sighs i have been privileged to
hear of women all over reclaiming their power, finding their
beauty, grabbing their magic. the stories of crawling, just
barely making it, but finding their spirits along the way...
i've been hearing these for a long time now.

talk about brilliant lamp posts for me along the way.

holly just brought all of that back to me.

today i carry every single one of you beautiful women in
my heart. thank you for reminding me that the human spirit
is an incredible, unpredictable, unboxable, amazing thing.

holly, karen, amy, lynn, lisa, mary, danelle, diane, margaret,
michele, denise, ellen, ann, barbara, cathy, jenny, kristina,
jennene, zura, sher, cheryl, ali, celeste, christie, lauren,
laura, susan, linda, pam, barbara, ruth, sandy, debby, maryann,
mary ann, kathy, dawn, kelly, kim, melissa, and every other
woman who's ever touched my heart....

you light up my path.

a mash episode

the kids and i watched an old mash episode on our lunch
break today. we got a dvd set of them recently, and my kids
who have never seen them before are in awe.

it ended and i actually sat up with my elbows on my knees,
head in hands and cried. i just flat out cried.

there was the young boy who died....and walked around unseen
wondering what had happened to him...and at the end walked
off with all the other young boys and village people who had died...

it brought up a recent death in my life that came way too early.
and i kept thinking of her....and what happened to her after she
died. where did she go?? what was it like??? and i cried.

and then there was all the petty thoughts that were portrayed
in the show as the dead young man walked among everyone and no one
could hear him.......

i thought of all my petty, useless thoughts that have wasted so
much time.....and all the emphasis and concentration on things
that don't matter....

and i cried.

it felt good. just to kinda release it and let it out.
the kids looked a little confused....but not too much as they're
used to it.

and as i work down here in the studio with two of them, i'm paying
attention to the fact that they are here. that they are with me.
alive, healthy, and here.

and i'm feelin' really darn lucky.

another award winner....

sometimes i can't even imagine the energy it would take
to date me. i wonder how anyone could hang on for the ride.
lucky for me, i found a guy who can handle it! while i think
it would be hard for any man, this man and i are so different,
that i really am amazed he actually hangs in there.

amazed and very very grateful.

passing out trophies to inspiring bloggers, made me want
to pass out a trophy to this special guy. and while it would
be like me to just put up a smaltzy post because i love this
guy....there's more to it.

yesterday was a lesson in love that i thought was worth writing
about.

it's basic. easy and quick to type out.
i was struggling with something that had me in knots all week.
along he comes wandering into the middle of it all and at the
same time he was a big part of it all.
it was absolutely no fun for him to hang with me while i went
thru the basic struggle. there were tears, squeezed shut eyes of
frustration and hurt, and lots of confusion inside of me.

he hung in there.
patient and kindly, he hung in there.
confused at times....not knowing what to say at times...
but always always patient and loving.

i needed that so badly.

we all need that so badly.
those times when we're frustated to the max, confused about
it all and not sure what we're feeling is really okay.....
what do you need more than anything then?

patience and kindness.

have you offered it back??
that's what i keep thinking......
i want to offer it back.
not just to him.....but to everyone i love.

sure, i'm patient and kind mostly.
but when i'm challenged as much as he was yesterday?
whew.
i don't know.....
but i want to try.
i want to keep it in mind and try.
and i was thinking it was a good thing to remind people
of.....

to really love someone is to really offer love.

how many times do we just fake it???

and once again my partner teaches me how to love...

arte y pico awards!

i'm not exactly sure how this blog stuff's sposed to work.
i've just decided i'm gonna type out what's whirlin' in my
mind on the off chance that someone wanderin' thru will
connect and find some sense of relief in that connection.
and i found it's excellent therapy for me. so at the very least

i'm getting some sense of relief!

you wonder tho, sometimes after you type out your heart...
should i be doin' this???

is it too personal, too whatever....???
self doubt floods me often!

then this really cool woman gave me that nifty little award
you may have seen floating on some blogs!
“to be given to bloggers who inspire others with their creative
energy and their talents, be it writing or artwork in all medias.”

kinda cool, huh?

the coolest part of the whole deal???
you're sposed to pay it forward!
THAT is the coolest part, i think!
it's that whole connection thing i love.
and the woman who gave it to me has a really generous
spirit. so the whole darn thing felt really good.

her name is zura beth and she's the creator of creativeclown.com
definitely worth stopping by and checking out her whole site
and reading HER blog!

i'm sposed to pass this award to five other bloggers!

with pleasure!

i would like to award the Arte y Pico Award to:

lisa from lisauncorked.blogspot.com.
the first posting i ever read was her 'lisa vs social security'
post. i strongly, strongly point you to that post.
i cried and loved this woman so much when i read that.
lisa, your courage and strength amaze me!

karen from square peg people is one of my favorite
people in the world. her nurturing, gentle way mixed
with her humor and wisdom inspires me every day.
she combines great photos along with her words making
it all visually wonderful also! she's one of my heroes.
go check her out!

and then there's tom. i just like this guy. maybe cause
he's got the young guy energy mixed with one heck of
a wonderful heart. it's refreshing to me to read the guy
energy. he reminds me of my own sons. he has a blog
where he puts something he had written when he was
a really young guy. be sure to check out his may 31st
post! you'll see why i love him so much!tom's blog

speaking of guys who are like sons to me....there's my
son, josh. his blog has floored me from the very day he
began it. he's a natural writer and teacher, and while his
blog is aimed at guitar students, he never misses a chance
to mix life and philosophy thru out. and then mix it all
with his wit and brilliance and well.......you get a blog
that knocks your socks off. josh's blog

and my final award goes to lauren, who i think is more
beautiful than she can imagine. she's just begun. she's
quieter, shyer, and an absolute jewel. her last blog,
'things i learned this year' hit me hard and deep. i'm
lucky enough to know a little bit about what's goin' on
in her life....and with that in mind, i read her post. i
sat back and loved her. i so want to encourage her to
put out what's inside her. the world needs her.....
i'm hoping this award will help encourage her!
lauren's blog

go check out these five amazing people.

it is with respect and honor i hand you guys this trophy!
now, take it and pass it forward!

glowing strands

this one's so big to me, i'm not even sure how to describe it....

something happened last year that shattered a belief.
at 46, i'm thinking it was probably time for that belief to go anyway...
but at 47, i'm still grieving the loss of it.

it was the idea that good could always win out. that if you loved enough,
really really gave it your all in the name of love, the good guy would win.

shattered.
gone.
i don't believe that anymore.

something happened yesterday that touched that spot in me that's
been so sore, so sensitive, so sad about all of that.

and ya know....it had to involve the same players. i think it had to.
i heard a story about the little girl that i've been hurting over so
much.

at such a young age, one of her gifts to the world has shown thru.
and it was acknowledged by someone who loves her. and she heard
it. it seemed like the little girl heard it.

now.
i know darn well this gift can get kicked into the corners of her soul,
and that she's got one heck of a road ahead of her. and good doesn't
win out just cause it's good. i know all that.
so the bottom line doesn't change.
but some of the threading lines that i've missed showed up.

and they glowed for me when i heard.

every single person carries magic in them.
and we have no idea if it will surface and be offered or not....
but the possibilities are there.

and just seeing the possibilities made me cry.

i forgot about them.
i thought all was lost.

and i have to say....there's a very good chance it is.
i have to say that.
cause i have to look at that.
but to be fair....i also have to look at those glowing strands
of possibilities.

there's magic inside that little girl.
i'm prayin' so hard she doesn't lose it forever......
that even if it goes away for awhile, that she'll find it again.

and that's the thing.......
i think we can all find the magic that's been buried in us....
thing is....it takes love to do that.

love for ourselves.

something else i learned along the way........that doesn't
always show up for people.

love.
it's essential.
and no, it doesn't always win.
but you can't win without it........

slippin' on my safari hat

just in my psychic phone booth (the shower)
tryin' to think about the post under this one....
the thought of embracing stuff...stuff that you don't
ever want....stuff you wish would go away....
how do you embrace it?

so i thought of holding something.
then i thought of holding this particular thing in
my life that i'm strugglin' with.

have i held it?
well.......
let me see....

i've gingerly touched it.
i've picked it up with my fingers.
there have been times i've held it in both hands
with compassion....
i find that hard because empathy takes over my body
and it's overwhelming to me.
i've picked it up analytically.
i've pushed it away.
i've yanked my hands away from it.
i've held it at arm's length and looked at it with fear.

i've done a lot of touching/holding of it.......in different ways.

but not any of it embracing.

what is embracing??

holding it with all of me.
oh man.
not sure if i can.

holding it with love.
with love????
how do you do that???

maybe holding something close, taking it in,
and allowing it to be there.

i'm tryin' to think of actually embracing someone.
what is it i'm doin' then?
i take them close to me, i hold them there. i don't rush them
out of my arms. i put my face right up touching them
and i send them love.

i haven't thought of this before.
yeah, i do that.
i put their heart against mine and i send them good feelings from
my heart.

if they're upset, i send them love.
if they're loving, i send them love.

i send them love.

how the heck do i do that with this???

i put my heart right up against it?
i hold it there?
i don't rush it out of my arms?
i allow it to be.
i send it love???

i don't think i've done any one of those things.......

and i'm not sure how to.

but i am sure that i need to explore this........

oh great.

where's my safari hat?

embracing it?

josh stopped by my room last nite.
asked me how i was doin' 'with all that.'
not so good, i said.
he asked me if i was talkin' to anyone about it.
i got quiet.
shook my head.
there isn't much to say, i answered.

he then got on my case for locking up my feelings
and shutting things in.

ya gotta love this kid....
i told him i wasn't doin' that...

i fluffed my pillow, turned off my light, told him i
would be okay, and said goodnite...

i don't know what to do with this one except sit with it.
sleep with it. dream about it. carry it with me every day.
ignore it. stare at it.

one thing i just realized as i sit here typing....
i've been hating it.
with all my heart, i've been hating it.

that's prolly not a good thing.
loving it seems a bit out of the question....

but how about 'embracing' it....
i think that's prolly what the enlightened ones would tell me.

and ya know what???
i haven't even come near doin' that.......

hmmm........
definitely something to think about.
thank you, josh.

tone setters

okay, how much do you really pay attention to your tone???

my kids are so in tune with my tones, that they don't give me
much of a break on them. if i'm the slightest bit edgy, they know
it and point it out. apparently when my cycle changes my voice
actually changes! i figured that out thru the kids' reactions to me.
it's the oddest thing.

but what's so cool about it, is it shows me how these small changes
in our tones can affect everything.

how about the bigger tones that knock you over with their bluntness?

how about the tones that we just start getting into habits with in
certain situations??

how about the tones that have changed entire days or evenings from
what we wanted to something entirely different???

why don't we pay more attention to them if they're so powerful???

ahhhhh......
maybe it's cause we don't want to???

hmmmmm......
maybe not quite so black and white......

maybe we want to....maybe we want things to be better....
but maybe we don't want it ENOUGH to make the effort.

so maybe what we truly want is it to be easy.
THEN we want it to be better.

yeah, prolly so.
i think i see that a lot.

so, where's that leave me?
workin'.
workin' some more.

i want to watch my tone.
thing is.......a lotta times it will be in response to another tone.
that's where the work comes in....

to try to stand up in a current that can feel overwhelming and
to turn the current around...to redirect the flow.....

yeah...redirecting flow seems like it's gonna take a lotta muscle...

but the raft ride afterwards sure will make it worth it!

dream stealers

a long time ago, i read the phrase 'dream stealer'
and was totally taken with it. the book was obviously
talking about people who come along and try to take
your dreams away in different ways. some real obvious,
some not quite so. i sat back and thought of the dream
stealers i knew, and understood that i needed to try to
keep a distance from them.

it was actually really enlightening when i started thinking
'okay, there's a dream stealer.....and yeah, there's another.'

stop and do it for a moment. it's really kinda weird. there's
this 'ohhhhhhh! i KNEW there was something about them!' kinda
feeling.

but ya know, you can't keep them all locked out, because
they're everywhere! and i found that if i wasn't really
really careful, i could be one too!

i think in the big, obvious ways, i haven't done that.
altho, i can honestly say that i've come close and have
caught myself just in time. i know that i've made an effort
to be a dream accomplice. to encourage people with their dreams...

but....if i'm going to be really honest....well.....
i know i've done it in less obvious ways,
and i know when i do it....cause something hits inside.
i don't think i realize they're 'dreams' that i'm stepping on...
maybe beliefs that are different....i don't know. i get muddled
here. but i do know that i've done damage with my words. and
i can always feel it when i do. so, i'm in on this crime too.
and that's what i've been thinking about...

people do this to each other all the time.
all the time.
not even knowing it.
in a million different ways every day.

i just recently had an encounter with this...someone doin' the
dream stealing deal with me. i'm too stubborn right now to have
had this smaller incident affect me in hurting my dreams....but
it did affect me somehow because it's been lingering inside of
me. i figured that out this morning.
and it happened because he just assumed he was right.

bingo.
right there.
it happens when we just assume we're right.

i'm thinking that's something we need to really handle with
care. at least i need to really handle it with care.
because hurting another person because i'm 'right' seems beyond
'not worth it'....it seems just plain ol' wrong.
and you want to tell me who's right about another person's
life???

so, maybe i needed the reminder.
maybe my little dream stealer i encountered this week
was also my teacher...

i never want to be right like that.

zakk

zakk just showed me something he's been workin' on.
shoot.
where did these kids come from???
they are absolutely incredible!
he's building our wholesale site for bone sighs.
it just astounds me he can do it.

i sit back and watch them......

we've homeschooled their whole lives.
and i've always been stressed about making sure
they learned what they needed to.

funny, looking back now i can see the most important
thing you can teach anyone is to think for themselves.

their dad gave them one of the biggest gifts ever....
he taught them to take things apart and figure them out.

and i watch it all the time in a million different ways.

so i sat there lookin' at zakk, tellin' him how terrific
it all was. but i got distracted looking at him.
thinking how cool he was......

feelin' really grateful for these guys right now.

when i grow up, i want to be like my kids!

way cool cousins

ya know what's cool?!
having your cousin all excited to get
in touch with you cause she has a 'heart thought'
to share!
we just hung up with each other.....
and that's ALL we talked about.
no other subject. we each just had a few minutes,
so straight to the point.

she had an interesting encounter with her massage
therapist yesterday......came to the understanding
that it's OKAY to put fences/walls around your heart
sometimes. you have to protect it.
she felt an incredible sense of relief when she heard
this.

i feel more confusion.
(i'm the thick headed cousin!)
i've been aware of that....that there are times you
need to protect what's inside of you.
i'm okay with that idea....
but in talking with her, i figured out what muddles
me......

when i close to others to protect me, i close to
myself at the same time!!!!

ah!
that's an important point i hadn't realized til just
now.

i guess it would be a 'balance' thing....
i'm not so good at balance.

if i can protect my heart, but leave it open to me....
well, then maybe that would be the way of choice at times.

so, now the thought process....the mulling that will
be taking place today.....

how???
and how do i know i do that?
what is it i feel???

guess i'm gonna have to watch and listen.....

we did talk of maybe doin' a visualization where
there's a fence but a gate open to me.....
that'd be kinda interesting.....

have to give it some thought...

feel like i found a clear thing to look at, that muddles
me more than ever!

grin.
what else is new???

so what exactly is an open heart???

i asked him about living with an open
heart. if he knew how to.

and he looked at me seriously and said
he needed to know what i meant by an open
heart.

he had just described us perfectly....he
said we were like oil and water.
yeah, we absolutely were.

so i laughed, said i'd define it for him
in a sentence or two (or three)......

drove home thinking about it.
decided to look up 'open' in the dictionary.

here we go: here's the parts that i thought
fit really good.....

not closed or barred, having the interior
immediately accessible, extended or unfolded,
free of ice, free of navigational hazards,
free from frost, not covered.

those were the highlights.

so.
a sentence or two or three?

living in a way that you don't close or bar
your heart, in a way that is free from ice,
navigational hazards and frost, in a way that
you are extended, unfolded, and okay with that.
living not closed.

maybe that's the best i'll be able to put in words.
cause, really, it's not words......it's feelings.

if i had to use feelings to define it?

love.

living a life of love.

sight

seeing with your heart.

can i do it?

can my heart become my eyes?

do i even really want that????

the challenge

the challenge.......

to keep my heart open to someone as i watch
them go down a really rough path.
the rough path means i don't get to see their
light. that the light is hidden....that
the dark is on the surface......
that unless i use my heart to see, all i will
see is the darkness.
that there will be no giving back from them,
there will be no letting me know i matter, there
will be no meeting of my needs.

doesn't mean i'm a doormat.
no, that's not part of the challenge.
infact, part of the challenge is keeping my
respect for myself and doing what's right for me...
all the while keeping my heart open and knowing
there is light inside of him.

that's the challenge i'm looking at.

i pick it up this morning with fear......
and yet....knowing i have to pick it up...
not even so much for him...altho that's a huge
part of it......but the even bigger part is for
me.

my cave man

how can i help you, terri?
he asked.
and he meant it.
i was struggling.
didn't know what to say.
he couldn't really help, could he?

tell me how you are, i answered.

he hesitated, said he didn't want to
tell me all the frustrating stories...
i told him i wanted to see him, not push
him away. see what was goin' on with him.
it would help.

and so he did.
he really really did.
and it sooooo helped.

finishing up the conversation, i thanked him
for doing that.

he laughed. said it was the last thing he was
going to do, totally against what he woulda
naturally done. couldn't believe that's what i
needed.

but i need words, remember???
i need to hear things in words.

a little teasing, laughter, some neanderthal
jokes...a threat to hit me with his club....
and i hung up the phone feeling so much
better.

and once more time my cave man came thru for me.

sunk?

he talked about it all being a flow.
nothing ever staying the same, things circling
around again and repeating, yet different,
everything fluid and flowing.

i totally agree. i know it so big time in my head.
but not down in my bones.

i really believe that's the nature of life.
change.
it's always changing.

so why isn't that my natural way of looking at things??
why is it that this whole thought really is fairly
new in my thinking??? i don't remember having it when
i was 20, or 30....think i was just getting it around 40.
but by just getting it.....i mean it came to my mind.
not to my whole belief system.....not deep down in my cells.

why am i always looking for the solution, for things to
resolve and be 'all set now.'??
why do i always think there's a particular WAY it's
sposed to be?? a rule? an outcome?

okay.
forget it.
who cares why???
i spose i can blame the culture, my thick headedness,
whatever.....
who the heck cares why???

i'm asking why in frustration.
because i want it to be in my bones.
because i want to be okay with change.

so, maybe the question is wrong.
maybe the question needs to be HOW can i
flow with the tide more smoothly???

and you know what's funny about that?
it's also looking for answers...for rules.....
for 'a way.'.....

guess the how is always changing too.

gotta be, right???

great.
i think i'm sunk.