making love win.....

i've been hearin' a lot lately about the darkness
some people are in. the really dark darkness.

and i've been hearin' about suicide thoughts from
more than one person lately.

and i gotta tell ya, some of the stories people
carry around are so incredibly heavy, i can understand
the struggle. some of the weights that they are
living with are more than i can really even think
about. and they're living with them. and yeah, i
wonder how it must feel to carry that weight around
every day.

and here i sit and write notes and root them on
and say stay. don't go. don't let the others win.
stay with us.

the doubt creeps into my mind....
do i have a right to tell them this???

and i have to believe it matters.
i have to believe that they need to know i want them
to stay. cause i do want them to stay.

i want you to stay.
i do.

some of you i know a little bit thru notes, and your
presence has touched my life. you have mattered to me.
you have made a difference to me.

it's funny, i really don't think of myself as competitive
but over and over inside i hear myself think
'don't let the bad guys win. don't let what they did
to you win. stay with us and let love win.
stay with us and help spread love and let love win.'

and i can feel this whole huge strong streak in me that
feels it with every cell.

it's one place i feel competitive.

we gotta make love win.

stay with us and help with that..........
ya know?

perspectives

it was a great nite.
i watched josh shine both as a teacher and a musician
last nite as he combined his cd release party with his
student's recital, the monster jam.

how fun!

his brothers and i arrived early to help set up.
and um....well.......he needed the help.
and we stayed late and helped clean up.

on the way home noah was marveling at how smoothly
josh can keep the whole thing running. he commented
on how he would never be able to hook up an 8 year old
and his guiter, keep talking, and keep the show going.
but josh could do it with ease and grace.
or how he joked thru the goof ups and kept everyone
smiling.

and then he said 'and yet, he can't remember to
bring anything he's sposed to bring to the party.'

and i laughed. and loved it.
cause it was a completely honest appreciation and
puzzlement of josh.

he was about as disorganized as you get last nite,
and we just kinda kept glancing at each other, wondering
how this guy got thru life.

and then.....we watched him light up the room and
make everyone in that room feel like they mattered
and that they were special.

it's got me thinking about our strong points and weak points.
that's actually been something that's been running thru
me all week, altho i didn't have those words for them.

strengths and weaknesses. and how they all interact with
everyone else's....and the whole mishmash it creates.

josh is interesting to me as he reminds me a lot of his dad
that way.
his dad drove me crazy with that stuff.
josh doesn't make me crazy like that.

i keep thinking of that.
and different relationships.
different expectations.
different levels of patience.......
and why?

perspectives.
they sure do matter, don't they?

perspectives.
i gotta check mine often.

fridays

fridays are lovely.

we used to have our 'executive lunch' out every friday.
i loved that.

but then budgets got too tight and we changed it to
executive lunch in every friday.
that was completely different fun and great too.

they sorta faded as everyone's schedule got hectic and
turned into 'let's grab a cup of tea' break.

there's dinner gatherings when there aren't dates goin'
on.

last week i took walk in the woods with josh in the morning.

this morning i took a bike ride with noah.

tonite we're all headin' to josh's shindig.
it's a combination cd release party and student recital.
he's combining them which is so fun and so cool for his
students.

i think of starting the day with noah on the bike,
and ending the day watchin' josh play his music and take
care of his students.

fridays are lovely.

a slug.....

i slept in today.
ran up to the attic in my pj's where noah was already
dressed all spiffy and workin' away.

wanna take a bike ride??? i asked him.

he looked up at me with those gorgeous blue eyes of
his and i thought they were the clearest, perkiest eyes
of his i've seen in awhile. he'd been sick. and wasn't
so perky for a bit. i was distracted with thinking of
how healthy he looked and it was so good to see while
he was deciding if he should go or not.

funny, how they distract me. i have so many mom thoughts
floating around when i look at them.

scanning his day in his mind, he agreed and out we went.

we had just gotten to the end of the driveway when a
neighbor rode by. i love this woman. she has the best
laugh. she hadn't seen my bike before so she stopped
to comment. i showed off the tassles and then flipped
it around so she could see my license plate. we laughed
together so much that as she pulled away, noah and i
rode off in the other direction laughing.

what a great way to start the ride!

but my gosh, i'm one outta shape cookie!

i haven't done much of any real exercise in prolly a month.
oh man.
i felt it too.

great timing to feel like a slug too.
as last nite i was thinking about my life and how i wanted
my outsides to reflect my insides.

health is a gift. and while i've got it, i want to keep it
in good shape.

i struggle constantly with what i eat. if there's a cookie
in the house it's calling my name. oh man.

so what i need now is that glass of water to be calling my name.

'mmmmmmmmm come drink me, i'm healthy and you need me.......'

how come i never hear that??????

gonna work on that.
maybe i could keep noah's healthy perky eyes in my mind.
he and i have the same eyes. (well, mine have more wrinkles)
but i know that they're very similar. so maybe i can picture
them, think of health and hear the water calling me.

you never know.
but one could try.

she reminded me....

shhh! don't tell josh, but i went back up to my
goodmorningworld spot this morning.
i have tried to not do that so much as it seems
smarter to just walk around the block. safety wise.
but i don't know....sometimes i just need that walk.

and i did this morning.
so i took it.

and i called out my inner child.

i haven't done that in ages.

told her i needed a buddy. and there she was.
joked with her a bit, held her hand, and told her
of my feelings.

it's thru her that i was reminded that i have stars
inside me.

oh yeah.

i remember those.

it's thru her that i felt them again.

struggle thoughts

anyone out there involved in a struggle?
grin.
yeah, i thought so.

here's a few sentences that i'm holding this
morning......thought i'd share for anyone else
who might find them helpful.

'and therein lies the secret of winning all the
struggles of our lives. we must learn to let go of
them so that we can come to the blessings hidden
within them.'

'it's when we refuse to see that the struggle itself
is some kind of blessing that we fail to best it
in the end.'

these are from where else??? scarred by struggle,
transformed by hope.

bummer

i tried to 'be love' last nite.
intentionally.
in different ways with different people.

when i rolled over to turn my light out to go to
sleep i was filled with the feeling of
'well, that didn't work.'

i laugh over that now, altho at that point i felt
more like crying.

that didn't work.

what the heck does that mean???

and what a great catch that seemed like.

so....um.....does being love mean you have an agenda???

uh......don't think so.

being love DOES include being love to yourself all thru
being love to everyone else.

that's vital.

and maybe i needed to do a little bit more of that.
maybe that's why the feeling.

i don't know.
gonna think on that.
cause that sure seemed like an interesting reaction.

erica's question and blog....

erica came thru my email sharing a blog post of hers.
it has a great question i think we should all be
asking ourselves.

i'm heading out for a walk and gonna take the question
with me.

thought i'd share it here.
but figure the best way to do that is to lead you over
to her blog!

so click here to find both the question and erica!

and erica....thank you for getting my day started with a great
ponder!

something to ponder

my mind was muddled.
i needed a longer walk and i knew it.
it was up to my 'goodmorningworld' spot today.
and as i walked i thunked everything out in
front of me.

okay. this is what you got.
and i laid it all out there piece by piece.

and i'd pick up this piece and look at it.
and then i'd pick up another and look at it.
and then i'd pick up a couple things together and
see how they worked together.

what's the healthy way to handle this? i wondered.
is it better to just do this? i asked myself.
nah, that's no good.
it's not honest.

and so i kept looking, pondering and figuring.

i saw a lot, but wasn't sure what to do with it all.

where does this leave me? what do i do with it?

i came up with some nice philosophical thoughts that
sounded nice, but didn't seem to hit exactly right.

and then.
bam.

'it makes me feel invalidated.' came into my head.

and right out loud, on my walk, i said BINGO and
hit my fist to my hand.

then i smiled.
that reaction seemed to indicate it hit right.

okay.
okay.
that makes sense.
you feel invalidated.

what do you do with that???

and that's where it all turned to me.
and when it all turns to me, i know i'm goin' in the
right direction.

first of all, how about this....
WHY does it matter if this situation makes you feel invalidated?
if you KNOW your value? besides gettin' out of the situation
why is it any more than that???

and i think that's where i want to stop and search.

i want to kinda hold that question inside me today.

it occurs to me that it's not about anything other than
growing.

growing and loving.

how does this get me more of both?
how does dealing with the feeling of invalidation fit
into it all?
i think it's deeply rooted in self love......
and i think it matters a lot....

something to ponder....

a gentle morning

i stumbled out to my walk this morning.
kinda draggin' and tired...
and there, greeting me, was the most gentle,
beautiful morning you could imagine.

i held my face up into the gentle breeze and
just soaked it in. it felt so good. i lost
myself in the gentleness and realized it was
exactly what i needed.

as i walked, i thought of yesterday morning.
i was meeting a friend in the town i used to live
in when i was first married. i hadn't been back
in over 18 years!

she was late, and so i grabbed the opportunity to
go back up to my old neighborhood. i parked the car,
and walked around a bit. walked by the townhouse
i used to live in.

the fence my then-husband built was still standing
and looking good. the tree he had planted still there,
having grown really big. wow. i couldn't believe i
used to live in such a small place. had two of my three
sons there playin' in that tiny tiny yard.

i walked by the playgrounds where the boys and i had
spent our days.

and i became overwhelmed with emotion.
it surprised me. and i was so glad i was alone.

it wasn't that a whole lot of memories were flooding back.
it was just that i had a general memory of who i was
back then, and how hard i worked at being a mom, and
how much energy all that took, and how shy i was back
then, and unsure of myself. the whole deal. kinda landed
in one big feeling.

and overwhelmed me.

i worked so hard at being a mom.

i thought of how long the journey's been. and how far
i've traveled. and i was just overwhelmed.
it was like, for a moment, i had the gift of seein' it
all right there in front of me in a way i don't usually
see it. and i saw how much i gave of myself in whatever
it is i'm doing. i saw how far i had come thru it all.

this morning as i walked, and the breeze whispered
gently in my ear, i felt held.

it wasn't like i was dancing with gratitude.
it was like i climbed up in my mother's lap and she
was holding me, letting me rest, and telling me it's
all been so worth it.

rocking me gently and whispering in my ear....
it's all been so worth it....

it's not your fault

we just put up a brand new bone sigh on the site.
it's called 'it's not your fault.'

it's inspired from a story in this latest book that
i'm reading, scarred by struggle, transformed by hope.

the author wrote of a 70 year old woman who was in her office
sobbing and telling her story of being a victim of incest.

the author didn't dwell on this story. she just put it out there in
a paragraph.

and i tell ya, that one paragraph moved me to tears.

and filled me with the desire to do something.
so strongly.

and so i made a bone sigh. with a little 'wallet card' that
we will slip in the back of the print that you can carry with you.

it's not your typical bone sigh, and i feel two strong
voices inside my head with it....

one voice - and it's beyond a voice - it feels like it's
way down deep into my cells - is telling me that i have to
put this out there. that i need to put this out there for
people carrying this kind of pain.

and the other voice - which feels more like a voice and not
like my cells - is telling me i'm stupid. and it's stupid.

again, another struggle.

that happens with bone sighs from time to time.

and i always put them out anyway. and ignore that voice.
because that's a bone sigh deal.

but i wanted to mention the voice crying stupid.
cause it's loud, and it's unnerving, and it makes me
want to hide.

putting it out there and saying it's there and i'm not
going to hide even tho i want to, feels important.

and i tell ya, if this print can be of any kind of help
in chiseling a wall away for someone, it so matters to me.

so, today, we put up our new print.
it's monday, so our weekly audio tells the story.
i actually read the paragraph from the book that moved
me so deeply. if you want to hear it, you can find the
weekly audio on our homepage.


here are the words to the print:

it's not your fault.
you didn't know what to do,
who to tell,
where to go.
it's not your fault.
you didn't know.
it's not your fault -
and it's time now for you to hold that.
for you to hold her -
the little girl who is you.
hold her and love her.
hold her and love you.
hold her and let the other go.
it's time now.
you can do it.
women everywhere who share your story are standing next to you.
love yourself.
and let the other go.

a bit overdone and grateful for that...

i was really really busy yesterday.
now, that is a good thing.
i am GRATEFUL for busy. means i'll be able
to pay my bills. it makes me happy. it's a good
good thing.

thing is, i was tryin' to wrap it up last nite.
but i was sooo wound up i couldn't stop.
just one more thing.
just one more thing.
until i hit something i couldn't figure out
and i wanted to cry like a kid.

ohhhh THAT'S overdone.

i finished up the best i could, and headed
to the grocery store. i still needed groceries.

i was really really beat and just tryin' to think
straight.

on my way out of the store, it was dark.
and up in that sky was the moon.

this gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous mooon.

i just stopped right there in the middle of
the parking lot and looked at that thing.

and i just stood there looking.

and i thought about how tired i was.
and i thought about how lucky i was to be that tired.
how great it was that i was standing under that moon
and actually there to see it and there to feel this tired.

i slipped into my car and just felt so grateful.

the day before, coming home from the coffee place just
up the road, i passed a whole lotta backed up traffic,
and the tv crews.

uh oh.

never good.

some guys workin' in the median just immediately down
the road got hit by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel.
they're dead now.

i keep thinking of that.

i keep thinking of how 1 mile up the road, i was sittin'
outside enjoyin' the evening, drinking my water with my
girlfriend and laughing.

how there i was the next nite looking at the moon,
exhausted from workin' really hard.

it is such a gift.
lost in a blink.

every moon is a precious moon.

perfect....

i've been up to my eyeballs in work.
which is a very good thing.
the only bad thing about it is that i had to cancel
out on a day trip with josh.

he ended up gettin' pretty busy himself, so we
agreed it worked out fine. BUT we also agreed that
we should AT LEAST get in a good walk in the woods
in the morning.

so this morning i drove over to josh's and we walked
down to the river together.

we walked down to the river together.

do you know how cool that is???

first of all that i have a son who lives by a park.
that i have a son who WANTS to take a walk with me.
and that there's a river to walk to!

we found a bench and sat lookin' at the river and
talking and i felt like i was savoring the most
decadent piece of chocolate you could ever taste.
it was an absolutely delicious time.

i told him with all the work i had to do it felt
extra good. like a 'hookie moment.' and that added
to the deliciousness of it all.

driving home i thought of how lucky i was to grab
that time with him.

and then i thought of something josh had told me
recently about 'being lucky.'

he said that it was all in how you looked at things.
if you were in a bank when it was getting robbed and
you got shot in the arm....would you be lucky that
it was just your arm and you were really okay? or would
you be unlucky that you were in the bank and got shot???

think about it. i think it's a great question!

i was thinking that i'd feel lucky....that i came out of
it okay.
but you know, it's one of those things you don't really
know til it happens. which you hope it doesn't happen~!

and while much less extreme, i looked at today and
thought how lucky i was. cause i got an hour walk in
with josh to the river. i didn't think of how we had
to cancel the day trip.

so, that's a good start, i think.

what a gorgeous morning.
what a delicious moment....

another tool....

okay, i SWORE to myself i'd go slow on poppin'
all these tidbits from the book i'm reading.

and well...i REALLY wouldn't pop one up today....
EXCEPT that....well....
it feels like a darn tool to me!
it felt SO helpful.

and i wonder if anyone else will feel this way.
and it's only two sentences i want to share..
(from the book scarred by struggle, transformed by hope)

"surrender is the moment in which we decide that
it is time to become someone new. surrender is not
about giving up; it's about moving on."

okay.......this rocked my world last nite.

and i'm not sure how to explain it without putting
all these personal details out. which i don't want
to do! (see?? i REALLY can keep SOME stuff private!)

but here's the gist.....

there's been several hurdles in my life that i struggle
with off and on. sometimes i so 'have' it and am okay
with everything. and then sometimes i so don't and i'm
lost and sad.

but here's the thing...i don't know if i ever in my bones
looked at the situations as 'i've become someone new.'

now.....this is important....
i've SAID THAT out loud.
and thought it in my head.
but don't think i soaked it down deep into my bones.
and these situations bring out who i used to be so easily.

so when those situations come around and tackle me to
the ground, i think they do so when i'm operating
as my 'old self' or at least some of my old self.
when i don't think of myself as someone different.
when i land back in a role or get caught up in someone
else's perceptions of me.

i'm not sure. haven't had enough time to think it thru.
but i am pretty sure. enough to put it out here...

if those situations come around and i know in my bones
that i am not the same....then i think it would all be
different in how i handle it.

okay....i do this to a point.
but i think the real struggling is mixed in with all this.

and i'm not sure i ever actually had a real honest to goodness
deep down 'surrender' moment with this stuff.

i think i've done everything but that.
i think i've done the logical in my head stuff.
i've tried to hear my heart and honor it.
i've tried to act with love.
i've fallen apart.
i've gotten angry.
i've gotten quiet and put up walls.
i've opened up and tried not to need anything.
i've cried.
i've laughed.
i got cynical.
i got philosophical.

but i don't think i ever honest to pete surrendered
and understood that it's about becoming someone new.

and, i don't know, but it's thundering around inside
of me that this matters a whole whole lot.

AND! it's pretty exciting.
cause all this other stuff isn't 'all the way.'
it's trying. it's attempts.
but it's not the real foundation i need to move on.

i'm thinking this is a pretty cool thought.....
and i'm rollin' it all around.
wanted to share.....

living and dying...

i had snuggled in to read.
i only had a few minutes before josh came thru to say hi.
and i wanted to just get a few pages in...

i only read a page...but i still found a nugget:

'but it is not an easy transition, this metamorphosis
from the public self to the real self.we struggle
against it all the way. we fear to expose our nakededness
of the soul, our lack of inner resources, our paucity
of imagination. if, left on the dung heap of life, bereft
of our trappings - our uniforms and titles and bank accounts
and offices and resumes - we have no reason to go on living,
then the question is whether we have ever lived at all.
and that is the question that none of us ever want to ask.'

i stopped and thought about that one.
and as i thought, the phone rang.
i reached over and grabbed it.

it was a friend. she was calling to tell me her best friend
had died that day. she was 51.

wow.

talk about knocking the point of the book home.

i haven't stopped thinking of all of that....
i'm a little bit late for my walk, but that's what i'll be
carryin' with me on it and around my day today.....

life is short.
are we gonna live it?

and then that makes me think of a bone sigh i wrote once...
for someone who died.

for my friend who lost her friend....

i offer this to you today...

weeping and aching,
i longed to honor your passing.
i longed to honor your life.
searching everywhere,
i found only one answer.
to honor myself.
become all that I am.
and carry you inside that beauty


i am so sorry for your great loss...

sharin my soul and grinnin'...

i swear, sometimes i think face book has changed
the world.

i talk to people i'd never talk to that way...
i love that about it!

well, i do believe i was the most amazed last nite
when i found myself writing a note to a priest that
i totally admired when i was a teen. and yes, there
he was on face book.

i am not kidding.

i just knew him 'slightly'....he didn't even know my
name. he was a visiting priest and whenever he showed
up, i was so delighted as he had the mass and the
sermons come alive.

something made me think of him last nite and the thought
crossed my mind....i wonder.....and i popped him in face
book and ta da!

now, honestly, this guy didn't even know me.
but i know on those sundays long ago i felt like i knew
a bit of him.

now here's the most amazing part to me....
i wrote him a note, explained who i was, even told him
i wasn't catholic anymore. (i think that's so funny
that i felt like i should say that!) told him how i
had loved his services...and then...i am so tickled
to say...i sent him my website.

big big big ol' smile here.

cause you see, i honestly don't care if the man ever
answers, or ever looks at my website. i honestly don't.

the whole thing was for me. and the sharing the website???
i asked myself why i would do that...

and THIS is the part that has me smiling this morning....

'because i think it's worth sharing' was my answer!

now, yeah, i like my website, and i like what i do,
and i think it's worth sharing to a lot of people.
that's NOT new. i really do.

but sharing it just to share it with a stranger...who really
probably won't be interested in the website....well,
THAT'S new.

and i thought about it.......and i thought about how that
place really is my soul. and i'm sharin' my soul. and my
soul is worth sharing to a stranger.....

THAT'S NEW!

and that's bringin' one heck of a smile to my face today!

spirit day

it's spirit day today....the day you wear purple
to show support in ending the bullying of LGBT kids.

i've got my purple on. and i'm remembering back to
my own school days. i was a pretty compassionate kid
and didn't do a whole lotta teasing and usually kinda
friended people who were having a rough time.

but i do remember some teasing i did when i was in
sixth grade. and yeah, the guy was gay. my gosh.
thing is....i was friends with him. i goofed around
with him. but i'm sure i hurt his feelings more than once.

i'm actually glad i have that memory.
certainly not proud of it.
but it helps me think about all this.
because truly, i was about as compassionate as you get.
and i was still a stinker at times. it helps me really
think about all the hardship that the kids have to go thru.
cause even the nice kids can be stinkers.
how about those who start out stinkers and go from there?

i took a walk and remembered those sixth grade days.
and thought of all the needless pain in the world.
all the hurt we hand each other.
and i've been right in there with everyone else.
i need to look at that.
we all do.

there's so much pain we cause each other.
when there's so many opportunities to do just the opposite.
it's on my mind today.

a friend shared this vid on face book with me.
i watched it and cried and was so proud of this man for doing
what had to be so hard. there's more and more of these things
being passed around.

it's giving me hope. maybe something is starting to tip in
a better direction. i'm sure it'll be a painfully slow tip,
but it's a start.

i wanted to share.......

sharin' the tickles

i know this is crazy, but i didn't really realize
i loved words til the past few years.
words, phrases, great sentences.......

but i so so so do.
talk about an art.

words are an art.

i snuggled down with this book last nite
(scarred by struggle, transformed by hope)

and had only just begun when i gasped.

ohhhhhhh......

try this one out....

'i could feel the dust of my soul under my tongue.'

ohhhhhhhhh........

i stopped.
read that out loud in a whisper a few times.

woe.
i love that....
and haven't you just been there before???
oh my gosh...
what a description.

so okay, i gotta share some of my highlights here.
and let's just all be thankful i only have a small
amount of time to read these days.

'sure of the absence of god we actually become aware of
the presence of god.'

thunk.
i fell over.

she goes on:

'it is the fortunate misadventure of life. by losing everything,
we come to the realization that everything is far less than we
think it is and far more than we ever dreamed it could be. in the
end, everything is what cannot be taken away, what cannot be lost,
what will not fail us in our hope. everything is the nagging
awareness that always there is more and that i already have it.
i am reduced by misery to stop and look through the darkness to
the light on the horizon that never changes. darkness becomes
the incubator of light.'


darkness becomes the incubator of light.

woe.

there's more.
oh yeah, there's more.
but i figure that's pretty good for now.

well, okay.
wait.
ONE more.

it's just a sentence.....
but um.........it's not JUST a sentence.....

i loved this.....

'it's not the grappling with a thing that defeats us;
it is the unknown answers to the hidden questions that
wear us down.'

okay.
done sharin' my book for the day.
i love it when a book tickles me like this!

sharin' the tickles...

i shoulda had a V8!

there was something that puzzled me.

and as i worked today, what i believe to be the answer
flashed on in.

i'll never know if it's the real answer or not.
but it sure felt like it was.
the way it came out of the blue.
the way it hit with a zing.
the 'i shoulda had a V8' slap i wanted to do to my head.
all good signs to me.

and this feeling settled over me.

can't say it's 'relief'....but something like that.

just a nodding of it making sense.
and a confirmation that people really don't change that much.

that what looked like a puzzling change really wasn't.

and that that's an okay thing.

people really don't change that much.

and with time, and growth....i don't need them to like i used to.

how cool is that?

faces

a blogger i follow did a post about her face recently.
how she doesn't like it.

i read it yesterday and it's been on my mind a lot.

she has a great face.
and she doesn't even know it.

oh man.

can everyone who feels that way stand in line please???
i'll hop right in there with ya.....

i look at the lines in my face and think 'yikes~!!!'
and well....i could go on about other parts of my face...
give you a list of things i wish i could tweak.
but we all get the idea.

i understood this woman's post all too well.
and i think that's why it's been on my mind so much.

cause i like her face.
it's a great face.

i left a comment there....something about this thought
here:

you know how sometimes you'll be sitting alone somewhere
and you people watch? and someone will walk in that you know
you like. you can just tell by their face. you know you'd
be friends? ya know that feeling?

that'd be her.

and i can't think of a better thing to say about a face.

'i see your face, and i want to be friends.'

that keeps ringin' around in my head.

cause i think i have a face like that too.

and when i put it on her, i know that's the kinda face to
have. that that is gold. that that is beauty.

so.....now.......can i put it on me and forget that
list of things i want to tweak about my face??

can you?

tidbits

i got a new book that i'm loving.
it's called 'scarred by struggle,transformed by hope'
by joan chittister
and so far, i'm completely diggin' it.

wanted to share some gems from it........

first of all, i fell in love with her because
of something she said about god. felt like she
was talkin' to me, and i breathed it in....

'but god is not a puppeteer and god is not a
magic act. god is the ground of our being, the
energy of life, the goodness out of which all things
are intended to grow to fullness.'

loved that.

'enduring struggle is the price to be paid for
becoming everything we are meant to be in the world.'

'the essence of struggle is neither endurance nor
denial. the essence of struggle is the decision to
become new rather than to simply become older. it is
the opportunity to grow either smaller or larger in
the process.'

'the great choice with which struggle confronts us,
then, is not whether to accept it - struggle comes
unbidden. it doesn't matter whether we accept it. the
choice is whether to crumble under it or brave it.'


okay, so i liked those.......and thought i'd throw
those out there for a little inspiration! she's pretty
good about it too. she's not sayin', okay, hop up
and get over it. no. she's not sayin' that at all.
she's sayin' it takes time to get up again. and it does.

i just thought these were good to remember......

more leaking....

everybody remember the cave story?
i put everything in....threw it in there.....
waiting for the important stuff to come back out.

right?
ya with me?

bone sighs came out first.

not the worry, frustration, concern of making it all work.
oh no. that stayed in.
but the heart of it. the soul of it. what it means to me.
that came out first.
way way cool.

next came bob.
that was a relief.
i gotta say, i was wonderin' what would happen there.
again, not the worry, frustration and concern of making
it work....but the heart and soul of bob.

hmmmmmm.....
a theme seems to be building.

and then.....
some vague god stuff started kinda leakin' out.

vague, misty god stuff.

enough to make me smile and give me hope.
and certainly not any of the worry, frustration and
concern of trying to figure it out.
that all stayed in the cave.

but the heart and soul of it all........well...
that's comin' right on out.

and then last nite.....
in a dream......
a really cool dream i woke up with this morning.....

i was tellin' someone who was havin' a hard time....
i was explaining to him that the only way it really
works is with a little magic mixed in.

that i have no way to explain it...
but i do know there's magic involved in living.

that was the message i woke up with.

i have been thinking about that all day.
and smilin'.

cause along with that misty vague god stuff that's
leakin' out....i do believe some belief in magic is
comin' out too.

the mystical is oozin' outta that cave.....

and all the worry, frustration and concern is stayin' put.

i am soooooooo likin' this.

how fun!

a crazy time tryin' to take care of mister bob.
so it's wild here right now.
but i had to stop and share this cause it's just
TOO good not to share!!!

i came down to my email to find a comment on my
gutter cleaning post


"I was looking for info on gutter cleaning and I found a poem. How awesome!
I mentioned you on our blog today. Thanks! "


i smiled.
and then, of course, i had to go check it out!
and i couldn't believe it! i laughed and clapped my hands!
and of course, have to send you guys over to see it too!

i love stuff like this!

and of course want to share the commenter herself!
thank you lisa!

a study in blue...

it's no secret i adore josh.
his enthusiasm alone is enough to win my heart.

he posted this blog yesterday and i smiled.
he had told me he was doin' this with his students.

i was so wondering what he was gonna do with this
print he bought...it hardly seemed happy home decorating
stuff...

i shoulda known he would interact with it and have a
ball! because that's what he does. and that's just one
of the things i love about him.

had to share.....

josh's blog.......

a study in pink...

i put on pink this morning.
a soft soft pink.

i'm takin' him to get his shoulder operated on
today...i wanted something gentle to be around.

i wanted to exude a gentle presence as i sat around
today at the hospital. last time i was there i saw
some really sad people.

gentleness.
that's what i want to be today.

and so i purposely put on pink.
and i'm gonna pay attention today to gratitude.

because i have a ton to be grateful for...
i'm walkin' in and out with no problems.

if i have nothing more than that, it really seems
i have everything...

teacher/student

a memory came in last nite.
one of those really hard memories to hold.

i held it and thought of her.
i wanted to hold her.
and take care of her.

i know she wants that in her own way.
i haven't been able to do it her way.

her way involves not seein' me.

i've needed to be seen the past ten years.
it's been part of my healing, part of
my recovery.

i'm wondering now tho,
if it doesn't really matter any more.

all that matters is i love in a way that feels
healthy to me. and i don't need any more than that.

i don't know.
i think it's a temporary lapse of truth.

it really doesn't matter. that other stuff.
it doesn't matter. what matters is my being love.
all around.

thing is, i think i'm only temporarily okay
with that.

i don't know.

but it's making sense to me that it doesn't
matter anymore.

it's making sense to me that this is where i
want to be.

and it's making sense that it will come in waves.

sometimes i'll slip and think i need to be seen.

and yeah, i need to be seen.
but not by everyone in the world.
and not by them anymore.

and i'll remember and get up and try again.

and in this, she is my teacher.
and this morning, i feel like a very open student.

something's goin' on....

something's happening over here that i don't know how to explain.
cause i don't know what it is.

and yet.....i do.

i've been in a 'growing place.'

not sure of my beliefs, not sure who to talk to about it.
and just kinda waiting to see what happens.

and sure enough, things are happening inside me.
and i can feel some stuff stirring.

but not enough to give any kinda report on it.
just enough to know there is something still very much
alive inside of me about my beliefs. but i couldn't
tell you any more than that.

this growing place of mine has been filled with questioning
all areas of my life. including bone sighs.

you budget enough, you start to wondering what the heck
it is you are doin'. you doubt. at least, i do.

so everything's jumbled in the air, right? doubt is all
over the place.

and then there's this 'god stirring' stuff goin' on.
and it feels really real and deep cause it's still
surfacing during this time of mine.

and then....the last two days...well, my gosh, i have
gotten enough messages come thru telling me that what
i'm doing matters that it's just knockin' flat any
doubts that i've been carryin'.

when i first started bone sighs, i KNEW there was flow.
i knew it. not a shred of doubt in me.

now i can tell you there's a flow, but it's not backed
with that same knowing. i've gotten a wee bit worn down,
i think.

but here.....in these messages i'm getting......while
the messages themselves are enough to knock my socks off
and the fact that it feels like they have to push out any
doubt that's inside of me is really exciting....
what feels even more exciting is it REALLY REALLY feels like
it's beyond just a coincidence.

it FEELS like something is going on.

it feels like it used to.

and i sit here and try to be logical and think, okay, what
does that mean, ter?? what is it you believe???

and i think what i'd say to that right now is that i just
believe in 'more.'

i have no idea what more means.
i have no idea how it works.

but this feeling sure feels strong.

and something's goin' on.

and maybe i don't need to know.

maybe you only need to know if you're tryin' to control it
or work with it.

maybe i don't need to do either.

maybe i just need to feel it.

and nothing more.

and i gotta tell ya, this is hitting so deep,
tears are comin' to my eyes as i type.

i have missed this feeling soooooooo much.

right now, all i want to do is feel it.

a cold

when something's just a bit different,
it's amazing how it can show you what your life
is like normally. and what matters to you.

when i hurt my foot recently, i really saw how
much walkin' i do thru my life. and how valuable
my foot is. to have to think about everywhere
i walked was incredibly discouraging. and i really
didn't realize how much walking i did.

i'm so lucky the foot healed, and i'm back at it.
and now, when i walk somewhere, i notice how good
it is to do so.

now i have a cold. no big deal, just a cold.
but it's keepin' my guy away from me as i don't
want to get him sick before a surgery.

so while i didn't think i saw him very much before
this....i'm thinking i saw him a whole lot more
than i have lately!

and i'm thinking....'okay, the other wasn't so
bad.'

and i'm grinning.

okay. the other wasn't so bad.

and now, i gotta tell ya, the other looks great.

what seemed like just not enough time before now seems
like gobs of time.

and i'm lovin' seein' this.

it truly truly truly truly all is in your perspective,
isn't it???

i think of how spoiled i get and how i don't realize
how much i have.

i've slowed down and noticed how fast i move thru my
days normally. noticed what amounts of high energy i
have normally. and i never think twice about it.

this silly cold has brought in a truck load of gratitude
with it.

i'm seein' all i have.
and i'm seein' all that i whined about before.

and i'm thinking maybe i need to slow down on the whining
and kick in a bit more with the gratitude.

sometimes maybe you need to slow down to really feel
the gratitude.

sometimes you just need a cold to open your eyes.

an insightful day...

we put out our newsletter today.
we have a section called 'in our hearts'
where we ask everyone to hold certain people
in their hearts this month.

this time around i mentioned a friend of mine
who's struggling with hepatits c. one of the
things that seems to add to the struggle is that
she looks fine. and while that is good in many
ways, it does seem to add to the isolation of it
all.

another friend of mine is struggling with depression
and i think there's some sense there that he carries
that since you can't see it, it should be easy for
him to fix.

how lonely and hard that would be to feel that way.

so i mentioned the isolation of having illnesses not
so very visible.

i don't think i've ever gotten so much response to
that section as this time around.

apparently there's a lot of us out there walkin' around
with stuff that other people can't see. and that's taking
quite a toll on the people carrying it.

one of the last notes i got mentioned that in the new age
sphere there's a lot of guilt dumped on those people
and 'quick cure' lectures.

i understood this as i was feeling some of that same
guilt with my finances.

if i manifested correctly, believed enough, did what i
was sposed to....well then, it would all work.
and since finances are tight, i must be doing something wrong.

i totally understand what she was talking about there.

i just had to walk thru this inside myself over my own stuff.
and to feel that with your illness seems like it would be
so darn hard.

people are opening up and telling me their stories. telling
me what they are carrying around.

and i am so glad that they are.

when i was having my own struggles with my own dark stuff,
i found compassion every where i turned when i let people in.

it's the letting people in that's hard.
and how to do that.
and how to balance it all.

it's quite a dance.

what i'm taking away from today is that i want to make sure
i offer the space to people i meet to let me in.

everyone's carrying a story.
i've known that. and i enjoy hearing them.
i try to offer space for that.

but this is a bit of a different angle.

not everyone feels safe to put out what's goin' on inside
them. to try to step beyond that isolation.

who makes the first move?

i think i want to offer that.

i think today has increased my awareness about that
and how important that is to offer.

we're not isolated once we let each other in.

it's the letting in that we have to learn.

it's the letting people know that they aren't alone
that i want to work on.

and i know, i know darn well, that in doing that,
i will feel more connected also.

it feels like it's been a really important day over
here in bone sigh land.

i am so lucky to have this job.
feelin' deeply grateful right now.

a group photo!

this is my favorite shot of us on vacation!
taken at the place where magic was...

it's a little bit blurry cause we couldn't stay still.
noah was trying and trying to get us to stay still....
but you know how it goes....

thresholds of soul

okay i feel a little slow on this one.
bet everyone out there has had this thought before.
but i never had.

altho, now i keep thinking i just forget all the
thoughts i have and keep rehaving them! but this
one seemed way new to me.

it's the idea that the body is housed in the soul.
not the other way around.
the BODY is housed IN the SOUL.

i think i ALWAYS picture the soul in the body.
well, in reading anam cara last nite, he throws
it out the other way round.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i stopped on that one.
i really really like that idea.

he said that therefore all around you is a secret
beautiful soul light.

i'm guessin' that means your aura?
not sure. but i like this.

and then this part:

'being in the soul, the body makes the senses
thresholds of soul.'

(okay, i missed this the first time around. think
my mind was wandering. so when i saw that this
morning i went ohhhhhhhhhhhh.)

'to be sensual or sensuous is to be in the presence
of your own soul.'

'your senses link you intimately with the divine
within you and around you. attunement to the senses
can limber up the stiffened belief and gentle the
hardened outlook. it can warm and heal the atrophied
feelings that are the barriers exiling us from ourselves
and separating us from each other. then we are no longer
in exile from the wonderful harvest of divinity that is
always secretly gathering within us.'

ohhhhhhhhh......

i totally loved this.
wanted to share.

i'll be thinking on this stuff today...
how can you not be captivated with the idea of
'thresholds of soul'??!!!

a quiet day

okay, i don't remember having this before...

i've got a touch of something...
but it's not enough to make me miserable...
but it is enough to quiet me down.

and thru the quiet is this real good feeling.
a profound feeling.

and i keep kinda stopping and wondering where the
heck this is coming from. how come i feel so
profoundly good inside??? and yes, i'll take it!

i'm not worried about anything.
i'm not tryin' to get anything done.

i just am.

i like this.

there's no mad rush to catch up on all that i need
to catch up on after taking the time off with the guys.
there's a knowing it's all okay.

woe.
that's new.

and then, i got a really nice note from a customer.
and she said something. she said she saw god/creation
in my work.

wow.
i stopped right there.
at that part.
wow.

i've been doin' a lotta god thinking...
even got into a god conversation with josh last nite.

and what she said....well, it's what i want.
and when i think about it, i don't know how to do it.
but i guess it's in the not thinking about it, huh?

and it seemed to solidify what it is that's surfacing
in me...the stuff that's coming back to me deeply...

that god is in love.
and in real.
and in your depths.

and i feel this feeling...
like i'm getting excited about that stuff again.
like something inside is waking up again.

like maybe i had to have a completely quiet day after
three completely amazing days of love to let some
of this sink in.

i walk amidst god stuff daily.
and i'm remembering that again.

grinnin' at ms. mary

so out of the bumminess of missin' my day with my guy,
comes joy of watchin' friends see their dreams comin' true.

nothing feels like heaven so much to me as watchin'
the joy of my friends.

mary, who has had trouble thinking of herself as a writer,
is now published in a book.

yeah.

yeah.

yeah.

i've pointed her your way before.
to her blog, to her articles on the web....
and i think somewhere she still doubts her writing...

but now, i think this may push those doubts out of her.

and i wanted to share her happiness and talents with you.
go check her out, and celebrate with her and taste a little
piece of heaven!

mary, i am so proud of you.

bummed but tryin'...

well, okay, it did kinda end in a let down...
i can't believe it.

three days with the guys, and then today was
gonna be my day all alone with that other guy
of mine.

sore throat over here.
he's got surgery comin' up. (nothin' scary)
he can't get sick.
i can't get him sick.

so i have to cancel.
feels like a year since i've seen him.
and i have to cancel.

i keep tellin' myself there will be other days.
and it hasn't even been a week since you've seen
him. get a grip, ter.

and i will.
cause i have to.

but the thing that's cool?
it feels like forever since i've seen him.

and i'm bummed.
but i'm gonna try real hard not to concentrate on that.
i'm gonna concentrate on how cool it is i care this much.
how cool it is that i can miss someone this much.

i don't want to overlook that part.

refocusing over here.

hopefully.

the wrap up...

we stopped at the bathrooms.
on the way in, i didn't even notice the really
cool row of phone booths against the wall.

as i came out, they were right in front of my face.
i gasped 'wow! look!'

i glanced over at noah and zakk sittin' on a bench
waiting, and then i slipped into one of the phone
booths. picked up the phone and pretended to make
a call. just cause those phone booths were too cool.
you HAD to go in 'em. zakk and noah saw me and
just kept waiting. they're patient fellas.

when i was done with my call, i went and sat with
them and waited for josh.

josh came out of the men's room, saw the phone booths,
gasped and said 'wow! look!' and headed straight for
them and slipped in the same one i had slipped in.

i couldn't believe it. he did EXACTLY the same thing.
i laughed and laughed and looked at noah and zakk.
they're gettin' so used to this from josh and i that
they just shake their heads.

josh needed pictures of himself. so i took a few of
him in the phone booth. and laughed when he pulled out
his cell and talked on his cell in there.

and then off we went.

when i bought a couple greeting cards at the gift shop,
the cashier handed me my receipt with a confused look
on her face. i had on my 'st. cloud university' tee shirt
that bob had given me. she looked at my receipt with
my name on it. 'does your family own the university?'
she asked.

i smiled.
'my name sorta came from there' i said and left it at that,
lovin' the confusion on her face.

we were at the art galleries again.
we were just here a few weeks ago, and i couldn't
believe it, but the guys wanted to go again.
and i double couldn't believe it when i noticed it was
where zakk seemed to come most alive.

in the art gallery???

i asked him about it.
in his ever verbal way he said 'i like art.'

and so we wandered.
plopped in front of a painter we all really liked.
i was pretty sure they had more of this painter at another
gallery. would they like to see those?

and then i realized that maybe they had enough galleries,
and backed off. we can do that another time.

nope.
zakk pushed for more.

wait a minute.
back up.
zakk pushed for more????

and so off we went to the other gallery....

finishing up with the galleries, we sat with coffee
at a railroad station. waiting for trains.
josh loves trains...he wanted to take some pictures.

so we sat, sipped, and waited.
sure enough....one came along.
and josh went wild with the camera.

the rest of us sat, sipped and waited.

it was our last day of goofin'.
and it was splendid.

as we cozied in last nite we talked of favorite moments,
favorite places...we talked of each stop we had made.
there were so many good ones.

we had packed a lot into the last three days.
vacation.
it turned out wonderful.
budgeting and all.

there'll be more day trips for sure. but it's
the rare thing to hook three days of them in a row.
there's something so festive about it.

and while it wasn't the vacation i wished i could give
them...at the same time, it was.

day two...

i have lived in maryland most of my life.
i've left for small amounts of time here and there.
and have tried to go elsewhere more than once.
the last few years i've been dreamin' about relocating.
i have never really appreciated the state.

until the past few weeks.

seems like i keep noticing how beautiful it is.

this little vacation thing i'm doin' with the guys
has been waking the appreciation up big time.
it had started recently, quietly.
and now it's really really making noise inside of me.

we went to west virgina the other day, to a great little
spot, but then ended up back at a park in maryland.
it was in the maryland park i melted and felt like i had
touched magic. i wanted to stay there forever.

yesterday we went to a spot i hadn't been to in 30 years.
in maryland.
and yeah, it was less than an hour away.
and when we stood there looking at some of the most
beautiful scenery...full of drama and power...i stood
there amazed at myself that i hadn't been here over and
over again.

i would have driven hours to see this. and here it is.
right here.

i thought about it.
i'd been there two times. each time was back in my
'dating days' a million years ago.

once kids came along, i got concentrated there, and while
we did day trips, of course, this place got missed.
it was more model train places and campsite places,
that kinda stuff.

then i hit divorce/build your life again days where it
was all i could do keep it all together. and when we finally
did day trips, we hit places we had seen on some of my
art travels out of state.

and now, finally, i've moved into days when i can look up
and wander a bit. and i'm seein' i don't need to wander far.

i stood there at this overlook next to zakk.
it felt so good not to have to be watching out so that he
didn't hang over the edge or something like when he was three.
i looked at the small kids there, thought they were adorable,
and was so relieved mine had grown.

we stood there talking about how beautiful it was.
and i tried to explain how i was stunned at the beauty of our
state. it was sinking in to me how much i need to open my eyes
to the world right around me.

we took back roads all around for a bit, i ohhed and ahhed
over houses so big i couldn't imagine anyone really lived in them.
the guys were patient with me each time i exclaimed 'is THAT a
HOUSE?!!'
'yes, mom. that's a house.'
i was amazed at how the richness went on and on and on.
i knew there was money up that way, but i didn't realize there was
so much for so long.

you'd think i'd never noticed before.

i'm not sure i had.

we ended up in a little town that again, i hadn't been to
since pre-kid days.

the guys loved it. noah immediately said he wanted to come back
when it was decorated for the holidays. i smiled. i was in.

they were the ones who tugged me into an antique shop.
i purposely stayed away from shopping while with them.
and here they were, pulling me in. noah found yet another old
book and was happy. i found an idea for something i wanted to
make and pointed it out to zakk as i drafted him into creating
it with me. josh was delighting me in the way he talked to everyone.
i love to travel with his energy.

another great day...
teasing, laughing, talking, exploring, soakin' it all in.
and seein' just how beautiful this state is.
kinda cool.
kinda way cool.
think it's about time i noticed.

one more day.

i've got one more day to enjoy these guys all to myself.
and i'm gonna drink in every moment.

the highlights!

what a day!

ohmygosh....
a much needed day!

i could feel how much i needed some time off.
i could feel how it's gonna take me the three
days to really get relaxed like i want to...

and we sure made a good start to it yesterday.

last nite as i got into bed, i thought of the
best moment i had with each son...and with myself...
it was easy. the moments popped right in.

there was finding the used book store, and walkin'
right in. not even asking anyone if they wanted
to go in there. knowing if i asked, they'd skip
it. just walkin' in, not looking back, wandering
thru all the zig zaggy shelves. ploppin' myself
down in a chair for a few moments. then gettin'
up to look to see what happened.

sure enough, noah had found heaven.
he was lost in a corner of the book store, with
a happy gleam in his eyes.

i knew he'd love it. and he did.
after a bit, zakk, josh and i wandered outside
to sit down and wait for him. josh heard a train,
and took off runnin' with his camera. zakk and i
talked about noah's delight in the books as we
waited...and sure enough....after a bit, he came
out with a book in hand, eyes lit up with happiness.

that was my noah moment.

josh was faster. lightning fast. like josh.
and it was several moments. it was the times during
the day that we said the exact same thing at the exact
same time. i love that. i have never had anyone i was
so connected to in thoughts like that. and each time
it happened i laughed with delight.

and zakk....was so fitting zakk......my 'let's watch
a movie' guy. we were home after a day of wandering,
and watchin' a movie. it wasn't one that he had picked
and i figured there was a good chance he wouldn't like
it. turns out we all loved it....(an aussie film called
'the dish') it made us all laugh over and over again.
at one point, i leaned over laughing, and brushed up
against zakk who was laughin' pretty hard too. my hand
fell on his, and he gave it a squeeze. that was my
moment with zakk.

and with myself?
we were on our way to go check out a waterfall...we've
been there before...and were headin' there again. and
as we hit the park area, the stream that ran thru it
just grabbed my heart so much i couldn't stand it.
'i don't want to see the waterfall' i announced as zakk
drove thru the place. 'i gotta stop and be with this
stream! everyone's at the waterfall! but we can be alone
with this stream! whattya think??'

the group's easy. anything works.
and zakk found a place to park. as we headed down the
woods, i didn't see the stream. 'where'd the water go??'
and then, a few steps more....and it was like the whole
woods changed color. it was like the you crossed the magic
line. it was like you stepped into another world.
we found the water......and something else.
the magic of the woods.

and i melted right into it.
and i knew how much i had missed bein' outside and just
bein'.

what a day.....
and it's a weekend full of fun.
the only goal is to be and to enjoy.
and that's my plan.......

a sonday

i hadn't made human contact of any form yet.
came down to the computer and opened up an email
with the subject line 'noah.'

he had done something really special for someone
and she wanted me to know, and wanted me to
know how awesome he is.

it's hard to describe, but the whole experience
felt like a prayer.

it was so quiet, i hadn't really tuned into life
yet...and there she was tellin' me how he touched
her.

i felt so grateful i got to share in noah's life
like i do. i'm not just bein' a mom when i say
he's special.
all three of my sons are.
and that's not just cause i'm their mom that i think that.
i know that, and i realize how lucky i am to have them.

what a start to the day...
a perfect start.
a reminder of what the next three days are all about.

because, the next three days are family days here.

this year, we're budgeting big time.
and so 'vacation' really has turned into just
family time.

we'll wander....but without any extras.

i cried about it at first.
i want to give these guys the world.
they do so much for me, i want to give them everything
in return.

and well, right now, i can't give them much materially.
and that bummed me out a lot.

but we talked about it.
and their spirits so shone thru.

and now, what the next three days have turned into
is some special kinda golden possibilities.

we budgeted last year when we did this.
we were payin' attention to finances.
but the big thrill was that the 'splurge' was going
out to eat. you know.....at a real vegetarian restaurant.

we rarely do that, so that was a thrill.
and it was so much fun. the splurge there made it all
feel really special.

this year, that got cut off the list.

i truly was so bummed i cried.

it's not about the food.
it's about doin' something special for them.

but you know what?
something's happening....

noah and i made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
last nite for the day...and it was fun.
peeled a bag of carrots for josh so he'll keep
eating.
we joked about it as noah peeled and i sliced.

and i could feel something...

this team that we are....this team that we've become
because we kinda had to...it's rallying again.

it's just about being together.
i know that.
it's just that wanting to give them stuff, ya know??
i just want to give them so much...

but i see it, i do.
i've seen it before.
we've been here before.
and some of my best memories are from times like this.

that note in my email box this morning started it all.
i've got one heck of a group here.

and the vacation part of it all will be totally being
with each other with no other distractions.

and somehow, i think that's all we're gonna need....

and in realizing how lucky i am that we're gonna
have this time together...and bein' together is
enough...well, the tears come again.

tears of gratitude...

i get to spend the day with the three most amazing
guys in the world.....and they're okay with just
spending it with me.

feelin' grateful....
and ready for some fun!

sculpting faces

the other day, i was knocked flat once again by that
darn 'what's it all about' question. man, that thing
will just hit me hard and leave me feelin' lost.

and then there's days like today...
when i haven't a clue what it's all about,
don't care that i don't know...
and really enjoy something that i do see....
that as we become more of who we are, it shows!

how do those things relate?
i'm not sure.
i think it gives me hope and encourages me that even
tho i don't know what it's all about, i do know that
if i keep goin' in a good direction, i can actually
see it in myself.

here's the weird thought process....

something this morning reminded me of a couple i used
to know. i thought about them. not my kinda couple.
and as i remembered them, i thought 'and THEY'RE still
married.'

the way that worked in my head was it seemed like they
wouldn't make it marraige-wise and my husband and i would.
like i shouldn't have been the one to 'mess up' and get
divorced while they didn't.

i stopped myself there.
right there.

like why is it i see my divorce as my 'messing up'???

like why don't i see it as my growing and actually doing
what i had to do to not only save myself, but to grow
myself, to become more???

yeah, terri.

why don't you look at it that way???

well.......i do. i really do.
but apparently not way down deep as i could tell from
my unedited thoughts about this couple.

hmmm...something to note.

i looked at that couple now.
i looked at me now.

okay, i'm good. i wanna be me in the choices.

they definitely had grown more into who they were wanting
to be....and it definitely showed.
and it wasn't a choice i'd want to make.

then later, another old friend came to mind for yet
another reason.

she's turned really really conservative and bitter.

wow.
how weird is that, i wondered.
what made her that way?

and i thought back...well....that stuff was in there....
but not as much as now. and i know some of her hurts in
life have brought her here. i could just feel that.
made me sad for her.

we really do seem to grow more into stuff we dwell on.

i thought of my own self.
when i look back, i see so much of myself the same...
and so much different.
but the heart, that's the same.
and i'm growin' more and more into it.

i thought of that line you hear over and over in the movie,
'the secret' - 'thoughts become things.'

thoughts become us too.
we become our thoughts.
and it shows on our faces, in our actions, in our lives.

it so so so shows.

and i like that.
i really do.

cause you can kinda actually see what the heck it is you're
doin'.

and maybe that's how it relates backwards to where i started here.
i can't figure out what life is about...i don't have anything
to hold there. just a few theories that i can't grab.
but i can grab people's faces. their eyes, their selves.
i can see their outsides...and i can see what's making a difference
to them. and i can see what looks good to me and what doesn't.

and i like that.
i really really like that.

so. what the heck am i doin' to sculpt a face that has love
written on it? that's what i wanna concentrate on...
sculpting a love face.

a gutter cleaner, a roof hugger and a nutcase...

i just came in from cleaning my gutters.
what is it about gutter cleaning that i love so much??

that's one of those jobs i really don't mind doin'.
and i can't figure out why...
i do know i love bein' up high, closer to the sky.
and i do know tossin' all that mucky stuff away feels
good.

hmmmmmmm.......
could be onto something here.....

maybe i need a gutter visualization for my inner self!!

i climbed to the peak and sat down. wow.
wow.
wow.

i need to remember this spot when i feel bad, i thought.
you can't feel bad when you're sitting here.
it's like you're part of the sky.
(and no, my roof really isn't that high!)

heard my neighbor's next door workin' outside.
i got back to work. didn't want to look like
a lunatic sittin' on the roof.

another neighbor drove by while i was up on the roof.
he waved, i waved....then he backed up, rolled down
his passenger window and hollered up something explaining
that there's a reason i had sons, and i needed to use them.

i laughed.....hammed it up a bit, complaining about those
no good sons of mine and told him i loved it up there.
he offered a ladder. told me it wasn't safe.

i laughed, waved him off tellin' him i was almost done.
'and besides it feels SO GOOD up here!' i hollered.
how could i tell him i had to sneak up there so the guys
wouldn't see me and stop me and do the gutter cleaning
themselves?? how could i tell him i had a ladder that
would work too?? how could i tell him that when i cleaned
my gutters i felt so good inside??

'don't lean forward' he hollered as he headed off.

i grinned. thought about how much i like my neighbors
and went back to work.

when i was done, i stood up on the little lower part of the
roof, my studio roof.
stretched out the leg i had been leanin' on the whole way
around.

ohhhhhhhmph it was tough to straighten out.

gosh, i'm not as young as i think i am.

figured i should stand there a minute, let my leg get okay
before i had it take me down the ladder.

so i stood on the little lower part, leaning on another part
of the roof lookin' at the sky.

wow.

and then i looked at all the roof of my house.
my house.
i thought of all the good stuff that went on
under that roof.
i thought how lucky i was to have this place.
i got so filled with gratitude that i hugged the roof.

i seriously hugged the roof.

i'm a roof hugger.

a gutter cleaner.

a home owner.

and a nutcase.

and it feels just so awesome......

passing an important post along...

i've been thinking about shame all day....
just kinda lettin' it whirl around a bit inside...
and then i saw this post over at pam's blog...

i thought instead of reposting it, i'd send you
over there...it's a letter by a gay man speaking
to us all.

pam, thanks for posting it.
there's so much hatred out there.
i so want to do what i can do to help it stop.

and there was shame...

and there it was.
i hadn't even recognized it til i started
explaining it...
the emotional explanation made it pretty clear.

shame.

my gosh.

shame again.

funny, one of the things that stands out for me
in this intense conversation is him thanking me
for seein' it. and for seein' what it's about.

that stands out in my head as not too long ago,
i remember thanking him for seein' something he
needed to see. and i remember how profound the
moment felt to me.

i'm usually pretty caught up in my own needing
to see things for me. but that's so limited.
truly, truly the people around us need us to see.

there's something about waiting for a person to see...
needing them to see...being present when it clicks...
your thanking them for seeing...
not some patronizing thank you...
but something that breathes a sigh of relief for both of you...
where you know you broke thru something together...
and waiting there quietly for the person doing the seeing
to catch their breath...
and the person catching their breath knowing it's safe.
there's something deeply intimate about that.

it's a gift mixed in the muck.

and now, after it's seen...
what then?

why you face it, of course, ter.
you face it.

and you hold it.
and you offer yourself compassion.

and then what???
do you put it down???
when it clings to you and won't be put down??

that's where i get stuck.

maybe you reach out to hold something else too.
and maybe the other...the different...non shame...
the love...maybe that grows and as that grows the
shame shrinks....

i don't know.

i'll start with compassion.
and holding something else too...
holding the love...

and see where that leads me.....

more god stuff...

josh called with something on his mind.
we talked for awhile and were finishin' up
when he said 'wait! wait! how YOU doin' today??'

i smiled and said 'oh, good. i wrote some stuff
about god today and it felt good.'

he laughed.

'you just never know what you'll hear when you ask,
do you, josh?'

'no, mom, i really don't.'

we laughed and said goodbye.

turned out that god was leakin' out in all my writing
yesterday. it sure is a leaky god time around here.

here's my favorite.


silence

i looked for you in their stories
and i couldn't find you there.
i looked for you in my own stories
and i lost you there.
crying, i released all parts of you
and waited in silence.
a forever silence.
wondering if i'd ever see you again.
wondering if i'd ever touch you again.
slowly, you crept back into my being.
slowly, i understood you never left.
quietly, i watched.
quietly i felt.
trembling, i stood in awe.
trembling, i bowed my head
as your presence filled me.

god is leakin' outta the cave...

cave talk is the norm over here now.
and if you've missed that, it's a buncha
posts below...

i figure i should say that as the first sentence
i wanted to type is 'god's leakin' outta the cave.'

yeah. yeah.
and i'm really really tickled about this.

it's just a leak right now.
a slow, steady leak.
but it's there.
and i can't even begin to express my joy over this.

it kinda makes me sit back and think of this whole
process...how what i had wasn't workin' for me.
so i had nothing. and now, something even better's
comin thru. i really think that's the case.

so you want weird?
i was walkin' and thinking about all this.
really lost in thought. apparently so lost in thought
that i didn't realize i was 'clappin' my hands as i
walked.

a neighbor was sitting out on her porch as i went by.
she hollered 'good morning.'

i looked up startled, laughed, and told her i didn't
see her as i was so lost in my thoughts.

she laughed back, commented on my clapping and asked
me if it was a new exercise to do while you walked.

great. great. i must look pretty odd sometimes.

i stopped and asked how her and her family were doin'.
and commented on the good news of her husband workin'
again. he'd been out of a job for awhile and was back
workin'. not at something he loved, but heck, it was
a job.

her face lit up and she told me about a job he had wanted
for a long time, and how he finally got an interview and
it looked like he just might get it. and 'we'd be better
off than when we started this whole mess.' she said.

i kinda leaned back as that hit me in the face.

we'd be better off than when we started this whole mess.

wow.
i know the feeling.

as i was walkin' away i thought of that...
do i believe everything happens for a reason?
no. used to. don't anymore.

but do i believe there's something there? yeah, i do.
not sure what.
but something.

and god is leakin' outta the cave...
and it's feelin' awful good.....

chaos!

i have a new german artist buddy who is just wonderful.
fittingly enough, she's our wonderful artist of the month this month.

and she just sent me a quote from the german philosopher
and poet, nietzsche.....

"You have to keep some chaos inside yourself,
for to be able to give birth to a dancing star"

(she translated that for me!)

i gasped!

what i had inside me this morning was chaos!
it really really was!
(see post below)....

and maybe i just need to remember this quote!

siri, thank you! it's perfect!

an early morning marathon....

wow...
i've only been awake a couple of hours and
i've already walked thru a thousand emotions.

here's a new theory i just made up that i'm goin'
with this morning. okay, i don't really believe it,
but i think it's fun anyway.

every day you get dealt out a certain amount of
emotions to go thru. how you spend them thru out
the day is up to you as long as you feel them at
some point during the day.

wouldn't that be wild???

well, i really think i just went thru my whole
day's allotment! in two hours!

i could feel some stuff kinda bumpin' up against
my edges as i headed out for a walk in the rain.

this is the first morning in about a month that my
foot worked good and i was movin' at a nice pace
with no pain. and it seemed the faster i went,
the more i went into this kinda weird space.

i looked at my shadow on the street at one point
as i walked under a street lamp. i coulda been a
young girl by just lookin' at that shadow. i
thought of that. and tried to wrap my head around
the fact that i wasn't.

i'll be 50 next year, i thought.
man, i can't figure that out.
and this kinda panic went thru me.

i've been on my own for almost ten years. i can't
believe that. what am i doin'? where am i goin'?
this craze ran thru me.
i walked faster.
the rain pelting against my face.

all the life questions i have ran thru me.
made me crazy.

i came in and did some exercising to warm up from
the cold rain...
the emotions went all over....
good stuff, bad stuff, profound stuff, even feminine
stuff.

i sat up on my floor and looked out the window...
just sat and felt.

how do you explain this??
i sat there and felt like a woman.

yeah, that makes sense, huh?

i sat there and felt calm and profound and happy
and feminine.

and i realized i had just run a marathon thru my
emotions.

i have no idea why, but i feel relieved.
like i needed to just get thru some of them.

this whole new theory that i don't believe has me
intrigued. what if i looked at it is the emotions
making their rounds for the day?

seems like it would take some of the punch away.
seems like i could allow more and let go more.

i have to think about it.
but for now, i'm hopin' i got the rounds done early
and i'll just be steady for the rest of the day.

what are the chances??

october third

the musician stevie ray vaughan is who i think of
as the person who woke my soul up and who inspired
me to find my passion. this man made me realize there
was something 'out there' i really wanted to tap into.

he's truly my hero. it's his birthday today.
i'll be listening to his music all day.
and i think the timing is perfect.
i need him right now....and it's been awhile since
i've really tuned in.

i just went over to youtube and flipped when i saw
all the clips there! i hadn't checked him out there
before! my gosh......i couldn't link the ones i wanted
to here...and i keep getting sidetracked watching them
all! so i'd better just leave it as head on over if you
want a spurt of inspiration!

it's also the birthday of another hero of mine today.
amazingly enough, my guy shares stevie's birthday.
i think that's the coolest thing. he's tryin' to ignore
the birthday stuff so that's all i'll say.

but i'm toastin two men who changed my life today!

i'll be celebratin' all day....

there is no green dot

it's an optical illusion...
i don't even know how it works.
and if i had the link, i'd pop it here,
but it doesn't really matter....

it's a circle made up of pink dots.
and for whatever reason, when you look at it,
you see this green dot goin' around the circle.

thing is, there is no green dot.

you just think you see one.

there is no green dot.

but you're sure there is.
cause it's right there goin' around the circle
in front of you.

but there is no green dot.

i saw that yesterday, and it's really really stuck
with me.

'it's a lot like life' i said out loud.

funny timing too.
i had been thinking about some of my fears that get
in my way with stuff.
and how that fear causes me to see things that aren't
really there.

talk about timing.

i wrote down 'there is no green dot.'

i want to use that as a tool when i'm feelin the fear.

so much of reality is what we make it into.

how many green dots are you creating???

that's what i keep asking myself........

(hey! i just saw these on the front page of yahoo!
couldn't believe it! i didn't know they were there!
click here for the green dot thing!

sacred places

i took a long bike ride last nite.
it's on a bike trail they put in not far from
here.

i went further on it than i ever had before.

and i found this place.....

the guys say it was prolly cause i was delirious.

maybe it was just the weather and the evening
lighting...i don't know....

but it took my breath away.

i'm going to go back and bike there again.
i wonder if it will feel as beautiful to me.
i'm curious.

i hope it does.

it's like a little sacred spot.

i had one of those growin' up....
a place i went to as a teen and hung out.
in the woods, with a creek.
i would go up there and just sit and be and
feel the holiness of the place.

that's what this felt like.

and i'm reminded....those places are out there...

we just have to see.

surfacing

there we sat, three women friends.

we started with her buttons gettin' pushed
and where that was taking her.

we turned to the next and talked of menopause
and the hormone changes.

which led into a big womens' physical kinda
conversation....

as we sat and laughed over this stuff, i just
looked at them and knew what gold i had.

we turned to me and my stuff. i shared some
of my stuff. but held back.

i still didn't have my nerve up.

it's been so close to my heart.
and these two women i can trust.
i knew that.

i finally brought it up.

god stuff.

tears ran down my face as i tried to explain
some thoughts.

always a sure sign that it's way close to my heart.

i think that was the break-thru i needed.

it was the start of talking out loud about it.

a friend called later.
it'd been too long.
we caught up and it was time to go...
and i held him on longer and said 'i know this is
weird, but i gotta ask you before you go....'

and i launched into the god stuff.

he paused when i was done, and said gently,
'let me remind you of this...'

and he reminded me of stuff we've talked a lot about
in the past. i love the way he said 'remind'....what
a great word.

i closed my eyes, and heard him.

'where have you been??' i asked him and laughed.

when things are deep inside me sometimes it's hard for
me to talk about it.

kinda hard to believe, i know.
grin.

but true.

the deeper it is, the quieter i'll get.
until i can bring it to the surface and look at it
with my trusted friends.

while i'm thrilled it surfaced today,
what has really got my attention right now is
the people who were there listening and sharing.

i could feel the holding of my heart that they did
as they talked to me.

i could feel them holding my heart with love.

my gosh.

talk about gold.

and while i know the god stuff is the topic i'll be
thinking about...
the friend stuff is what i'm rejoicing in today.

a good start...

do you spose it's all in how you wake up??
yesterday i woke up with a bad dream.
this morning i woke up with an insight just before
the alarm went off.

wanna guess which morning felt better??

i really wonder......how much of my mood is affected
by that start. and how can i tweak that start a bit???

seriously. i'm gonna be experimenting with that.

no walk today.
early coffee date.
wasn't even gonna step outside.
'cept there was mail and trash to put out.

thought i'd just pop out quick.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my gosh.
i am so so so glad i did.

it was just before light.....
with the wind blowing and the air downright crisp.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my goodness.

i put my arms up to the sky.
what a gift this morning is.

there's a mix in me this morning...
sorrow is there. news stories got to me yesterday.
hope is there. a fuzzy insight this morning reminded me of that.
horror and fear is there...yet another news story.
belief is there...more fuzzy insights.

a few things are leaking back out of that cave of mine.
not sure what they are yet...but they're connected to energy
and our depths and it feels hopeful to me.

and something i know...we need to put out good stuff.
we need to.
good thoughts, words, deeds.

someone knew the news was making me sad.
and she sent me the prayer of saint francis.
knowing i'm not 'totally sure of god' she suggested
i 'substitute the opening with whatever higher power
i draw from.'

i was so impressed with her thoughtfulness and grace,
and respect for whatever space i was in. that alone
touched me.

and then, it's a prayer i love.
thought i'd post it here for a reminder today.
what we do matters.

thanks, bonnie.....what you did mattered a lot.


O God,
Make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith'
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is sadness, joy;
Where there is darkness, light.

Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we reveive,
It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned,
It is in dying that we are born into eternal life.

here's to making it a day filled with light...
and hope...