a good one......

noah was showin' me some of his friends' art
last nite. boppin' around on the net showin'
me all kindsa good stuff. when we stopped at
someone's photo and they had a rilke poem
with it.

i stopped to read the poem.

i said 'ohhhhhhhh. wait. i need to reread that.'

i said 'ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. wait. i don't get it,
but i think i love it. i gotta read it again.'

i said 'oh my gosh. doesn't this make you want
to fall flat on the floor??? i STILL don't get it.
let me try it again.'

finally i said 'we gotta email this to me.....cause
it's awesome. even tho i really just don't get it.'

i think the poetry i like best does that to me.
it hits me so hard in places so deep, and i haven't
a clue what it's about or what's goin' on.

that's how i started with rumi. and then all of a
sudden, he was making perfect sense to me. but
i could never put that sense into words.

rilke does that to me too........altho this one
i may never get. it STILL knocks me over.

and something i think is interesting....i don't
need to intellectually get something. i just need
to feel it.

i suddenly understand that that's kinda cool.
when i was young, i thought it was a flaw.
and now, i like it...

thought i'd share.

The blind man who stands on the bridge,
grey, as if a markstone of nameless realms,
perhaps he is the one thing that remains the same,
around which from afar the star-hour turns,
the heavenly body’s quiet center.
For all stumbles and struts and rushes about him.

He is the motionless one, the just one,
placed in a confusion of many ways;
The dark entrance to the underworld
among a race of superficial beings.

me and the worms...

awhile back i wrote a blog about worms.
i had an insight while tossing worms back into
the wet grass where they needed to be.

bottom line was something like - what if we
knew when we were being tossed somewhere
that it was good for us???

i've been tossed somewhere for about a month
now.

for this reason or that, my partner's been
pretty absent. and i've missed him a lot.
and i've been frustrated and many things over
that missing him.

there's been a whole lotta life happening around
and in me. and i really really wanted him nearby
to share it with him.

more than once, i've pulled it together, gotten
a grip, breathed in a second wind, and tried yet
again to make the connection and share.

each time was an utter failure.
enough times that it's actually uncanny if you
sit back and look at it.

driving over to meet him yesterday, knowing again,
that it wasn't time to tell him the things that
were goin' on......it occurred to me.

maybe it's been awesome good i've been solo lately.

maybe it's helped me a ton!

and i got to thinking about it.

i have done some pretty intense inner work this past
month. and i feel like i'm just beginning. like i'm
hitting something big inside. and that i have stuff
that i'm touching that needs to be touched. and i feel
like i've kinda been pushed here.

like i wouldn't just wander in on my own......but
BECAUSE i've been on my own, i wandered there. i was
led. and being alone somehow opened me up to the leading.

i really think so.

so as i drove to meet up with that kooky partner of
mine........it occurred to me i've been one of those
worms....tossed into the wet grass where i could thrive.
picked up in the middle of my crawl elsewhere.....

and if i had known it would be good for me, i wouldn't
have kicked and screamed so much.

um......yeah.......
maybe i need to remember that......

living prayers......

oh! WHAT a gorgeous morning!
i tell ya, weather TOTALLY affects me.

ohhhhhhhh! it was my morning to take a walk
all alone! yo and i bike on the other mornings,
which i totally love and wouldn't trade for
anything.....but fridays are mine and i love
that too.

ahhhhh and it's gorgeous out.
i had a plan.
i wanted to spend some time all alone thinking
about being a living prayer.

this is the phrase that has caught my mind and
my heart, and this is something i wanted to
really explore.

rubbing my hands together like a kid, i slipped
on my shoes, closed the door behind me and
headed out for my special moment.

i'd barely taken any steps when i heard the
'good morning!'

it was my elderly neighbor sitting on her porch.

i turned into her driveway to say hello, telling
myself, 'it's okay, you have time. say hello.'

she commented on what a lovely morning it was for
a walk and how she'd like to take one too.

'want to go?' i asked her.
and she lit up.

she got right up to go get her walkin' shoes on.

i stood out on her car port thinking about my walk.
feelin' a little bummed that i was about to lose it.
but THIS, ter....THIS can be the living prayer part.

THIS right here.

i looked up at the clouds.
okay. i'll try it.

i thought about what i needed to do.
what do you do to be a prayer?
i didn't know as i hadn't figured any of it out yet!
but i did know a few things......
work from your center, stay in the light.
that much i knew.

and out she came.

we toddled down the road together talking of the
beautiful morning. turning into the new housing
development, i tried to gauge how much she was up
for.

not much.
the street that i wouldn't have noticed was uphill
because the slant was so gentle became very noticeable
as she breathed heavier next to me.

'want to turn around?' i asked.

and so we headed back.

'you probably wanted to go further' she said.

i had to grin.
we hadn't even really gone anywhere.

'nah,' i said. 'just feels good to be out here.'

i asked her what she was gonna do today.
'just sit.' she said.

'have any good thoughts while you're sitting?'
i asked her.

and she told me of the nites that were hard with
her thoughts.

we talked of those thoughts.
i had been thinking of her a lot lately. of how
lonely it must be for her at times. i wanted to
know what her thoughts were. i've been wondering.
she shared a bit...but she brought it back to the
morning.

i followed her and joined in the talk and worked
on making her smile.

as i walked her back up to her bench, i thought
hmmmmm..........'maybe if i head back home,
and keep goin' up the street, she'll never even
notice and i can get a little walk in on my own.'

as if she heard my thoughts she scooted over on
the bench and said 'sit down.'

i sat.

she looked over at me all beaming and said
'wasn't that just wonderful?!'

wow.

yeah.

yeah.

it was.

maybe being a prayer means you stop controlling.
ya know?
maybe you just flow.

maybe i got more of a lesson in this way than wandering
by myself tryin' to figure it out.

whatever i got......i got a moment with this woman who
won't be here forever. and i got the beams from her
face when she looked at me and said 'wasn't that just
wonderful?!'

maybe i wasn't the prayer.
maybe she was.

be a prayer

agitated and upset with worry, i paced the floor.

wanting to do something, i just kept pacing.

it suddenly occurred to me.

now.
now's the time.

i've been thinking about trying to be a living
prayer.

not even sure what that means.

just knowing it means not hiding your heart.
and not pacing in fear.

i had a plan of when i'd try that.
when i'd really leap in and try that.......
had a plan.

and then.......
this happened.

as i paced around feeling agitated i remembered.

be a prayer.

now.
do it now.

how does one be a prayer????, i asked myself.

start with breathing, centering, and believing.

i put on a cd that just came in the mail today.
one that should reach into my depths.

i'm filling an order.
i'm thinking.
i'm thinking of faith.
of what i believe.
of my heart.

i'm feeling my heart.
i'm offering my heart.

im thinking of crows gathering and cawing about
the light. (see pam's blog)

i'm thinking of the light.

my mind wanders to the dark.

i pull it back to the light.

and i connect my heart to hers........

be a prayer........

i don't even know how.......
but i'm off to go do it.

to really really go do it.......

because i know i can.

we all can........
even if we don't know how.

another book.....

interacting with a customer yesterday led to him
pointing out a specific page in the book 'tuesdays
with morrie.'

having that one on my shelf, i ran up to look.

what he wanted me to see was this.......

'the most important thing in life is to learn how
to give out love, and to let it come in.'

i also found this on the same page.....

'love is the only rational act.'

i decided i needed to reread this book.
so last nite i curled in with it and began it all
over again. didn't get very far, but far enough to
know i definitely want to get lost in it again.

love is the only rational act.

hmmmmmmm.......i tell ya, i gotta be honest......
fear seems REAL rational to me a lotta times.
grinnin' and serious all at once.
i really need to remember this stuff.

i want to read it with the intention of applying
the stuff to my own personal life....and.....and....
i want to see if i can apply it to how i'm feelin'
about the world.

cause i'm a little lost with the world and all its
pain and what to do with it.

i know.
like i really need to do something with it.

i know.
i just have to be.
i know.

i'm just not doin' so good with that.

i'll get there tho.
maybe.......

some of these comments just get me.......

suz just posted a comment on my last note.
i'm still sitting here doin' my numbers.
numbers are a forever thing.
and her comment came in......

I'd sit quietly with you if I could.
A baby was murdered in my small town, and I felt the same anger and helplessness when I heard the news today. So senseless... Sometimes I wonder about the human race.
But I also see the light you're holding out, and I join you in holding out my own.

the whole thing got to me.
the whole thing.
and then the end.....
the last line........
i cried.

i actually cried, suz........

sitting next to you....
and every one of you.
thank you for being out there.........

quiet time

i read the news today.

actually, i read the news most days.
but i've taught myself how to catch what's
goin' on without draggin' myself thru
the pits of despair.

today, tho, i goofed.
and read a story that made me so sad and sick.
i'm not sorry i read it tho as it feels important
to me to send some prayers in that direction.
and that's what i'm gonna do.
it truly truly truly affected me deeply.

sometimes i don't know what to do with the pain
and violence of this world.

i decided to work on my numbers and just sit
quietly.

the guys' music is playin in the other room.
usually i like this one song they play....it's angry
and full of rage and i think it has a really valid
point about some hurt that people have gone thru. it
matters to me.

but today, i heard it start and i got up to close
my door.

noah looked over and realized it was the music.
i'm actually surprised at how perceptive he was.
sometimes i close the door to make a call or to
write or to think.......

but he knew right away.
'we can play something else' he said.

'i can't deal with any songs about anyone hurting
anyone.' i said.

he cocked his head sideways.

'i read the news.'

'you gotta stop doin' that.'

'yeah. yeah. i know.'

i so wish the cruelty and violence didn't exist.
and yet, they do.......so big time they do.

i don't know how to hold it.
i guess i can't.
but i can keep tryin' to offer light........

over and over again.

me and the crew

i could tell she was churnin' inside me.
i grabbed my stuff monkey and curled in tight
with him. it was dark, it was quiet.

i found myself slipping off the monkey's
leg warmers. 'it's way too hot for these,
even if they are super cool looking,' i said
to the monkey.

hmmmmm....sometimes i really do wonder how old
i am......

i closed my eyes and talked to her.
that part of me that was churning.
the little girl part.

i already knew what was up.
but that didn't matter.
i needed to let that part of me know i
was listening.

and so i did.

i am learning.
i'm learning that churning is her.
i know that now.
i'm learning to recognize her more and more.

i'm learning i don't have to have all the
answers, i just have to hold her.

i'm learning that sometimes all you can do
is curl in and say 'it'll be okay,' and go
to sleep.......

i held that monkey almost the whole nite.
this morning he was right there next to my
pillow. i woke up and smiled when i saw him.
he looked a lot cooler without the red and white
striped leg warmers.

and the little girl inside?
she's right here with me today.
and i'm gonna pay attention to her.
cause sometimes she just needs that.

anonymous

hey, anonymous!
you left a great question in my last blog......
and i'm no expert, so i'm gonna tell you to grab
this book if you're interested, but he's not
saying AT ALL that you always have to be positive!!!

not at all!!

it's WHAT you do with your negativity that matters.
we all have it. we all gotta deal with it.

he's sayin' things like it's important to let it out,
not cover it up. to acknowledge it.

i want to put words in his mouth, and i'm stopping
myself as i'm not sure if their his words or mine,
and i don't want to say the wrong thing....

but it's not about always being a happy camper.

this morning i was really bummed about something.
i laid down and took a nap.
i thought about it, put out exactly what was bugging
me and why. acknowledged the ick. and let the ick
be there. then i fell asleep.

i specifically wanted to spend some quiet time
acknowledging it.

now.....i'm movin' on.
ick's still there.
it's not resolved.
but just acknowledging it has let me move on to some
other stuff. and i don't know what i'm gonna do about it.
but for now...i did all i could do.

the nap helped too!

and i specifically took the nap cause my body was tired
and i wanted to listen to it.

hearing what's going on inside, acknowledging it....
all that matters.

not always havin' a smile on your face!
ya know?

and i think that's the kinda thing he's talking about.

honoring who you are and what's going on inside you.
he's really good about saying this isn't a guilty thing.
i like that a lot.

thanks for the question!

reminders

i picked up the bernie seigel book again.
love, medicine and miracles.

i was totally loving it awhile ago,
but then put it down and couldn't pick it up again.
it's very cancer oriented, and i was just strugglin'
with some cancer news close to me and i just couldn't
even pick it up.

i'd look over at it on my table and would just
get this heavy, heavy feeling and leave it laying
there. i couldn't even touch it, let alone pick it up.

but over the weekend, i had a minute....i'll just
look at that real quick, i thought. kinda moved fast before
i could change my mind and grabbed it.
and i was hooked once again.

i really love this book. i'm only half way thru it,
but every single time i read it, i'm reminded
that i am sending messages to my body with everything
i do.

i'm reminded that how i choose to live is making
a statement about what i believe.

i'm reminded to be aware of what i do and what i think
and to value my health.

and what really gets me every time, is the reminder of
the power of our minds.

i love that so much.

we have so much power inside us.
what are we doing with it?

that's what i keep thinking about.......

cycles

my period.
i don't talk about my period here. (much)
i think i may have once before. but wanted
to do it again.

i got to thinking that i really love
my cycle and i forget that some people
actually hate having their periods.
and that's kinda a big part of the cycle.

so i wanted to mention it here.

i don't think i ever 'hated' it. i think
it kinda always amazed me. it still does.
which is funny. every month i'm thinking
wow, this is the coolest thing.

the way our bodies work just astounds me.
and i know so little about how they work.
but my gosh, what a set up! think about it...
it's totally astonishing that our bodies are
this cool. could you really have planned anything
more amazing?

and the entire cycle....i love it.
there are such parts to it. i can see the
different moods. when my period hits, i get
launched into a quieter more profound mood.
i love that part. i know it happens and i
sit back and use it to reflect on things that
i want to really look at.

i remember way back when i first met bob and
we were tryin' to figure something out, i said
'oh, this is great, i'm in my profound part of
my cycle......i can really sink my teeth into this
now.' the man had a long way to go to get used
to me.

after awhile i hit the more outgoing time of
my cycle. that time i use to make my business
calls that i have to make. sometimes i can
schedule them in to that time, and i love that.
i'm not as shy. so i use it. i am aware of it and
work with it and ride with it.

and then i get quieter and want the world to go
away. it's not the profound mood, just my introverted
part. that's a good time to write and do my quiet
work.

i love it. it is changing just a little bit now.
there's subtle changes and they throw me off a bit.
i was set in knowing it so well. i have to pay more
attention now.

i used to get pms, then started using wild yam cream
(for anyone with pms problems, i HIGHLY recommend it)
it really took that craze away. but then i changed and
the cream seemed to bring the craze on, so i stopped.

the other day i kicked a box across the room.
it was a kick, boy. a hormone filled kick. i felt that
craze and knew i had pms. but it didn't last long and
i saw it. even that amazes me.

i tell my sons when i'm having my period and always tell
them to be nice to me. i tell them when i feel like i have
pms and tell them to be careful.

there's this whole system (me) walking around with seasons
in it every month. i really do sense the sacred in it.

wanted to put that out there today for anyone who doesn't
like their cycle.....maybe it's something to think about.
specially since you'll have it whether you like it or not.

until you don't.

which i still haven't come to grips yet, but i guess i will.
i'm gonna miss it when it's gone. i wonder if you can still
sense the seasons inside you every month? guess i'll find out...

suz

i've been over to suz's (suz's?? suz'??) blog before.
but ya know, i gotta get this tech thing down. i can
hit the follow button just fine....but it's the thing
where you get the blog posts comin' in your mail box...
that's the thing i need! then i can really follow!
and sometimes i go blank on how to do that. i think
i got blank last time i was there as i'm blank again
this morning. BUT when zakk wakes up, i'll have him
teach me for the millionth time. :) cause i want to
keep an eye on her.
i read this post and just went 'OHMYGOSH.'

and she's beautiful. she's absolutely beautiful. and i
see she's also learning to live in her own skin.
wow.
amazing huh?
to be a woman.

anyway....you need to check her out if you haven't already.
cause she's awesome. awesome and beautiful.

she graciously passed on 'a blog with substance' award to
me. kinda cool. thank you, suz. that mattered as that's what
i want it to be. so, thank you.

here's the rules:
-thank the blogger who awarded it to you.
-sum up your blogging philosophy, motivation, and experience
using five (5) words. example: WRITE HEART PEOPLE LIVE HAPPY
-then, pass it on to other blogs which you feel have real
substance.


okay......five words......

real, honest, love, journey, trust

i want it to have and be all those words.
the whole point of this thing is to record my journey with
as much honesty as i can. in that sense, i want to offer
real to the world. and those thoughts that i share.....
i want them to bring me to find love and trust.....
because that's the gold.

if i can offer a journey to find that stuff....maybe it
can help someone else find their own stuff.

and that's the deal for me here.

now....to pass the award on.
oh my gosh!
every single blog i follow is a blog of substance.
that's why i follow them!!! and coming into my mail box now
i have a list of 22 blogs! 23 when zakk gets up as suz will
be included in that! so what do i do?

i picked just one. i happen to know that we're all linked
up here and that award will make it to all the people i would
give it to! so i'll start it rollin' with pam.

i've mentioned pam here before. have pointed you her way.
for me, pam IS substance. she's taken life and not just lived
it....she's gotten wise from it. she's a bit of a mentor to
me, a big sister, a confidante, someone i've come to value
so much. she shares the love of the mornings with me.
she shares the gettin' out there early and touching the universe.
i love that about her. she's funny and wise. a great combination.
actually, i think wise has to be funny too. seems to go with the
territory. pam just plain ol' IS substance.

it's pam's blog i offer the award to.

thanks, suz, for passing it my way........

intros

here's my favorite part........

before each student played, josh introduced them.

not just by name.
but by description.

he told us something unique about each student.
in paragraphs.

and it was something that i know as that kid listened,
they had to think 'hey! that's me!'

it was awesome to witness.

and i want to keep that in mind.

seems like it can be a pretty cool thing at certain times
to do.........when introducing someone to someone else.
can you imagine???

i know not all times are right for that.....
but there's a lotta times that are......and i'm definitely
wanting to remember this.......

my son

my gosh, the guy is amazing.

he was soooo gentle and kind mixed in with
funny and outgoing. thoughtful and entertaining,
talented, and supportive, tactful and blustering.

i sat and watched him and felt so lucky to have him.

josh hosted one of his talent shows with his students
last nite. i tell ya, when i see him do stuff like that,
i just love him. he just shines. his spirit just shines.

and i'm not the only one who thinks so.
parents were stopping me last nite telling me how wonderful
he is.

i have to rethink my responses as i eagerly join in
and agree. they usually laugh at my enthusiasm.
but i KNOW he IS amazing. but maybe i need to give them
more room to tell me like it's news to me. grin.

one mom stopped me last nite and said 'you know what
it is??? he makes his students feel special. his students
go away from him feeling really good about themselves.'
she pointed out she had three sons. and put her hand on
the oldest son's shoulder. i turned to him and asked
'you're the oldest? you anything like josh??'
and he looked at me, got this serious look on his face
and said 'it even scares me how alike we are.'

i laughed. if it's true, he's one heck of a guy!

driving home with josh, i relayed some of the stuff people
said to me about him. and i looked over at him.
'if you don't think what you're doing is making a difference,
bud, then you really need to rethink.'

he knows. he really does. he talks to kids about life stuff
in the lessons. he's talked to girls about cutting, talked
to students about suicide, listened about problems with parents,
and supported kids with families divorcing. the list is endless
of the life that comes thru as he teaches guitar. and he teaches
them how to be good at something. and he reminds them that they
are good at stuff. and he tells them they count and he's proud
of them. he knows. he really does.

but sometimes he forgets.
and so i remind him.

and we talked about how important it is.

and it so is.

and he does it with grace, and a style that only josh has.

i am so lucky that he's my son.
and i am so darn proud of him.

this moment

after reading her medical update, i sat back
and tried to take it in.

the plan is incredible.
first of all that she has one. last week, they
had none for her.

now she's got a radical 10-14 hour surgery ahead of her.
could be longer, they tell her. they take all the
cancer out they can see then wash her insides with
heated chemo. wow. then sew her back up.

she described the procedure, and the aftermath...
complete with another round of chemo later.

and you should have heard the joy in her words.
they were typed, and yet they were poppin' outta
the screen.

she was JOYOUS.

joyous.

i went up to tell the guys the news. stood there
tellin' them all the details i could remember
and said 'she sounded so happy. you gotta be pretty
darn desperate to sound happy with all of that
to look forward to.'

i think that's what's hit me the most.

anyone tell a healthy person they've got that ahead
of them, the person's gonna go into a tizzy.

tell someone who thought she was pronounced dead,
that they can buy her some time...maybe a decent amount
of time with this......and you have joy.

i thought of the desire to live.
and what we do to live.

and i thought of the moments we waste. the days we waste
when we don't even think of the gift in our hands.

i went off to brush me teeth.

i picked up the toothbrush and thought of the moment.

the line "and she was given this moment" popped into my head.

i'm making that a bone sigh today.
i kinda have to.
i'm filled with.

we're given this moment. do we remember it's a gift?

i have it written on a note pad here.

this morning i felt pretty discouraged about something else.
i had hung up the phone from another conversation and just
felt discouraged. i turned and saw the note pad.

and she was given this moment.

the discouraged thing isn't that important.
it'll pass.
not important enough to take this moment from me.

and that's why i have GOT to make this bone sigh.
i really really really want to remember this.

i've got this moment.
and i'm healthy.

that's kinda like having it all, isn't it?

yeah. yeah. it is.

i'm not just holdin' that this morning.
i'm guarding it.
i don't want to lose the thought too fast.

i want some time to dance with it.
and to make it a habit to dance with it.

wonderin'

wonderin' this mornin'.
about life.
about where it's taking me.
about choices.
about things left miles and miles behind me.
about things left in front of me.
about it all.

it's so easy to see some choices others
make that aren't gonna lead to good.

oh that's so easy.

if only it was so easy to see my own choices
as clearly.......

just sittin' here wonderin'......

prayer

i got on the treadmill and thought.
was gonna do music, but figured maybe i better
think a bit first.

something popped into my head.

an understanding.

still thinking of darkness winning.

and in one of those places in my life, where it
did win.....it occurred to me that it didn't totally
win everything.

that shoots of light did penetrate.
it wasn't a complete and total victory.

and some of those shoots still light moments
of my life now.

and when that happens, there is such a deep
appreciation for them.

amazingly enough, it happened yesterday.
i didn't even put that together til this morning.

a shoot of light from one of those dark victories
popped thru and unknowingly supported me thru the
struggles that i was feeling yesterday.

it's uncanny when i think about it now.
and that i didn't even put it together then.

i held it all.
and i don't even know how to describe this....
but my whole being felt like a prayer.

i was almost done on the treadmill.
time for one song.

grabbed my little music player.

the end of one song was goin'.....stevie ray.
my hero.
i smiled.
he's my reminder to live from my heart.

then melissa etheridge came on with testify.

i sang along and choked up as i went.....

here's some of they lyrics....


I, I want to testify
My love still lives and breathes
And my soul is screaming why
The thoughts won't let me sleep
Don't let hearts break
And don't let children cry
Before it gets too late
I want to testify


Rip through the wire that screens in my window
Throw open the shade that covers my mind
I'm going to touch I've got to believe
The bell tolls for me


i felt like i was prayin' as i was singing.....

i don't know how to describe it.
but i wasn't just praying
i WAS the prayer.

and then i headed to the shower.
i stopped to see if i could find my cd with
testify on it to play while i was showering.
but didn't see it.
did see susan boyle.
remember her??? from britains got talent fame or
whatever show that was....

i grabbed that.
she's got three religious songs on there.
amazing grace, how great thou art, and silent
night.

i played every single one of them.
very odd for me.

how great thou art got double running.
i sang along as the cold water poured over my
head......stepped out and made it repeat....
and went back to it.
eyes closed singing for all i was worth.

praying with all i had.
and letting all i had be the prayer.

goin' a bit deeper...

so i got what sounds like really good news on the
dark story that i was crying about on the treadmill
this morning.....ONE of the stories.
the story that was making me wonder about good winning.

my friend called me with such joy in her voice and said
'it's a miracle!'
she was so happy.

we talked about how this was really empowering for everyone
involved. and i so saw that.

i hung up the phone and cried a bit.

and watched myself.

i was still pretty rattled.

and i figured out why.

while i'm THRILLED this looks like it will go a good
way.......a way that will be so positive and helpful...
and so empowering....
it COULD HAVE so EASILY not.

the darkness could have won this round.

and darkness DOES win rounds.

in crying on several girlfriend's shoulders today, i
got some pretty incredible wisdom about darkness and light.
and i feel like i'm soakin' in a whole lot right now.

but i'm not doin' a dance of joy....
because i'm still thinking.

what if the story went the other way today?
how far would it have shot me down?
to what depths of despair would it have sent me?
would i still believe in the light?

i am almost sure i would still believe.
and that part feels good.

i am almost sure that i've figured out that no matter
what......i have to keep loving and believing.

well......no.
i'm not sure 'no matter what'.......not sure i can do that.
but almost no matter what.

at least i'm pretty sure i'm on the right track.

but i think what's happened is i've gone down another level
into this whole 'darkness/light' stuff.

this whole 'good doesn't always win' stuff.

i think i spent so long just trying to get that concept down
that i haven't gone any further with it.

and today......i feel like i'm going further inside.
deep.
and i think it's really really good.
it's just really really deep.

i know something's growin' inside.
not sure what......but i am sure it's good.

treadmill therapy

i got on the treadmill crying.
i so needed to walk some stuff out.
and i just started cryin' and walkin'
and cryin' and walkin.

there's three dark stories right around
me. and my heart is heavy with them.

mixed thru them is the idea that changed
my life a few years ago -

good doesn't always win.

when i figured that out a few years ago,
my world turned upside down.

i grieved a long time over that.

but haven't ever forgotten it or put it
down.

but it's in my face again. bam. so in my face.
will good win out in one of the stories
i'm holdin' close???

i meditated on it last nite.
prayed hard.
'don't let them win' i thought as i prayed....

as i cried this morning, i scolded myself for
having a small heart about some other things
goin' on. things that hurt my heart, but i felt
shouldn't if i were a bigger person.

yeah, i did.

but i stopped myself.

i had been strugglin' with my heart for a bit
this morning.

'if i were a bigger person....'
'if i had a more loving heart....'

i was running now. and crying.
and i stopped myself right there.

'wait just one minute.
wait just one minute.

there's darkness now. you don't know what
to do with it. you don't know anything about
anything....you don't know what to do or how
to help....

so where do you start???

ter, you have GOT to start with your own heart.

offer yourself some compassion.

be the love you want to see around you.
and start by being the love to yourself.

understand why you feel what you feel.
offer that compassion.
don't scold yourself.
understand yourself.

start there.

good doesn't always win. you got that. you know
that. and it might not win this time. you don't
know yet. but it DOES do things you don't even
know or understand.

you gotta hold on to that.

and you gotta offer it to yourself first.
or else you've totally dropped the ball.'

i looked down at my feet.
i held on to the handles of the treadmill and looked
down at my feet. i squinted my eyes and they were full
of tears. so i could see in a blur my feet goin' one
after another.

all you can do is keep moving forward, ter.
it's HOW YOU MOVE that matters.

move with love.
believe in it.

it's not gonna always give you the results you want.
so you gonna stop believing then???

start with your heart, ter.
and keep moving forward..........

women quotes

i was wandering gettin' women quotes and laughing and having
fun.......when i got a call from a friend who's struggling
so big time......

so i stopped with the quote wandering....but did find these
and wanted to share.



One is not born a woman, one becomes one.


you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.


I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

being female......

i'm walkin' on the treadmill, and i have no
idea why, but i have a memory of bein' in my
late teens and needing a bathing suit.

believe me, i have ALWAYS had body issues and
buying a bathing suit really has never been
a fun thing.

i remembered the tight budget, having to bike
where i was goin, so not too many stores to
choose from, and finding one bathing suit that
worked. it was one piece. not two. no bikini
for me. it was a last minute thing. found out
somewhere i was goin there was swimming. so it
was one of those....just grab it and hope for
the best deals....

i came home, tried it on and showed my mom.
now remember.....it was ONE PIECE. there were
no low cuts. it was about as basic as you get.
she took one look at me and said 'whatever you
do, don't let your dad see you in that.'

jeesh.

jeesh.
jeesh.

so i'm on the treadmill and i remember this.

is there any wonder i had body issues??

you all know the deal.....all those comments from
teen age boys.....i hung out with a lotta guys in
my neighborhood.....they were like brothers.....so
their comments were free and easy for them....and
hard for me.

the culture.......the pressures.......
we all know these deals...

and then my family where it wasn't okay to be female.
and lord knows, if you were gonna be female, don't
you dare even think about sexy. that was the problem
with being female...somehow sex was involved. and
sex....well you know........my gosh......

so i'm on the treadmill gettin' a bit hot thinking
about that remark.

and it occurs to me that my favorite clothes are
oversized men's clothes. that when i'm most comfortable
is when i'm in a huge guy's shirt and jeans.
when my body is completely lost and i don't have to
pay attention to it.

wow.

wow.

wow.

now, that REALLY is my favorite outfit. and i don't
want to take the comfort of that away from me. those
are my comfort clothes.

but um.......maybe being aware of that is important.

as i walked i looked down at my legs movin' along.

i LIKE being female now. it took awhile for me to even
figure out i was. but i like it now.

and what i want is to be a HEALTHY female.
it felt good to be movin' my body along workin' up a
sweat.
it felt good to be aware and tryin' to keep my heart
in shape.

i want to keep all of me in shape. my mind, and my heart.
and i want to rejoice in my femininity. because that
is such a huge part of who i am.

definitely something i'm going to be thinking about....

make it, take it........

sometimes i can see a process at work in myself,
and then i get tickled.
cause i'm learning to watch more and let things
happen inside.

not always, of course.....actually not all that
often.....laughin' here....but SOME times.
and that counts for something.

yesterday i felt more 'lost.'
burned out. fatigued. and knew i had to spend
the day just tryin' to surround myself with
things that centered me.

that i needed to do nothing more than that.

and by golly, that worked.

i didn't dwell on things, figure things out,
pick things apart. i just got cozy and stayed
in a cozy place.

by the time the evening rolled around, i was in
a 'take what you want' mood.

i could feel this strength rising inside of me.

if you want it, take it.

i put that out in one area of my life.
put out what i wanted.
and then went to bed.
feelin' pretty good about it.

biking with noah this morning, we started talkin'
business stuff.

and by golly again, i could feel that 'make it
what you want. take what you want' feelin' all over
again.

i'm inspired with some work stuff, i'm inspired with
some personal stuff...i'm inspired.

and if you had told me yesterday that i'd be inspired
today, i woulda given you the ol' eyebrow up look like
you gotta be kiddin' me.

feels really good.
but HERE'S the big news......

if i was still lost today and burned out.....
that'd be okay too.
cause it is a process.
and we gotta give ourselves time for the strengths
to come back.

and i know that today. and i'm okay with that today.
which is maybe why i'm strong today.....

go figure.

phrases

two thoughts keep kinda colliding this morning....

one that noah handed me last week on a bike ride.
he was tellin' me that he's really diggin' the
phrase 'you can't win 'em all.'

i was surprised as i had never given that phrase
any thought.

as we rode we talked about it. and oh yeah, i could
see the beauty of it.

it keeps things from gettin' too serious, it
acknowledges that there are plenty of wins and not
to sweat it when it's not a win. it's a 'let's keep
things in perspective' thing.

it's actually a cool little phrase!

i've put it to use more than once since we've talked
and it's helped me out.

there have been times tho, that something deep inside
me reacts to something, and that phrase just doesn't
do it for me.

then another thought seems to creep on in and help.
it's that if i could really sit back and get so completely
honest and open, that i would write my life script just
the way it's goin'. i would write these bumps and bruises
in. i would write the struggles mixed in with the joys.

cause they're okay. and they push me to grow.

i've got an ache inside me today.
'you can't win 'em all' didn't work.
but 'writing this into my own life script' worked.

somehow that thinking makes me understand it's a place to
grow. nothing more. it's not the end of the world, it's not
pain that will destroy me.

all it is is a place to notice, to feel, to accept, to talk
to, to love and to grow from.

it still aches....
but i don't have to fear it.
i guess it's also one of those 'puts things in perspective' phrases.

heartless or growing?

she was struggling with a decision she had to make.
i listened, told myself to shut up as she didn't ask
my advice, listened to someone else give her advice,
told myself to shut up...and then said something.

i said this is probably obnoxious, but i just want
to remind you of how it is we want to live and what
it is we believe in.....and i reminded her.

later, talking to someone who was in her dark night
of the soul i told her that while i really really
felt for her for the hurt she must be having, i wasn't
sorry for her. cause i knew what she was gonna get out
of this. and that was something that was so great, i
knew it was gonna overshadow the other....eventually.

then reading a note from another friend this morning
who had some really hard stuff come up, similar thoughts
came thru to me.

this is the stuff that makes us grow.

wow.
it's so much easier seein' it when it's happening to other
people!

grin.
wish it was that easy with my own stuff....

but........this is progress for me.
usually i get so lost in the pain i feel for my friends,
that even tho i know they'll get good out of it, the pain
feels too much.

i want to joke that maybe i've gotten heartless....
but i think that maybe i'm really gettin' to be a believer.

with my own gunk last week, i backed up at one point and said
okay, okay, if i was writing my life script, i'd put this stuff
in there. it's been hard and sucky....but it's been a whole lotta
other things too......like one of my best teachers.

somewhere, somehow that's really sinkin' into this noggin.

doesn't mean i'm dancin' thru this stuff.....
but it does mean i'm starting to see and remember the gold
we gain......

that seems pretty important to remember.

mood swings

it's the bill paying thing.
it can totally change my mood sometimes.
i was havin' a really good day. really good.
and then it was time to pay some bills.
man. that can affect my mood.

i did what i had to do, then called bob looking for
a shoulder. he wasn't around. just as well, i thought
and headed up to start a puzzle.

the guys came thru and noticed a change in mood.
told 'em it was no big deal. i just needed to think it
thru. and laughed about how now every time they see
me with a puzzle, they're gonna worry. seems it's where i've
been headin' now when i'm tryin' to think something thru.

bob called later and i said it was nothing.
he pushed for me to tell him.
it was nothing. i was just being spoiled, i said.

that's what i had figured out as i worked the puzzle.
i have everything. everything.
so it gets tight here and there. so?
i thought of some of the life and death struggles around me.
and i knew i had everything.

i knew it in my head.
but that just isn't the same as knowing it in your heart, is it?

i ended up tellin' him about it. he was incredible. i even commented
on how incredible he's been lately. which of course, sounded like
he wasn't before. we laughed, and i got goin'.....

this morning, as noah and i biked, i could see this mood inside
me. wasn't good. it was hot already, i had made the mistake of
reading the news before we went out. i still felt troubled about
the stinkin' finances. just wasn't good.

waiting for my turn in the shower i sat here in the studio and
my eyes landed on some pictures hangin' on my wall.
it's my studio....i've got stuff tacked all over the walls.
all the photos are from the early days of bone sighs.
i noticed that. wondered why. then realized that was before
digital. once digital hit, the pictures hung out more in my
computer than anywhere else.

there's one of bob and i and another friend at one of my early
art gigs. bob and i were just friends then. the energy in the
picture is just great.

there's one of him cookin' for me one evening when he knew i was
really sad. there's another of him making me a tofu turkey on
the thanksgiving when i was gonna be all alone.

there's one of the boys having just finished workin' on the
car. noah's got his arms wrapped tight around his brothers, and
zakk is so much shorter than them both. hair everywhere. the
love comin' outta the picture enough to knock you down.

there's one of noah and zakk and another friend gathered around
my fax machine getting our very first fax ever for the business.
everyone's attention is on the fax.

one of me embracing my surrogate mom. one of zakk and i at the
amusement park. and one of all of us packed into our tiny little
tercel, with stuff strapped to the ROOF and the trunk headin' off
to an outta town art show. it's a miracle we pulled that one off.

there's shots of me with cousins i love, friends i love, customers
i've met, store owners i've worked with, and even one that noah
photoshopped of bob as elvis and zakk as napoleon.

i tell ya......looking at these things did it.
i can't believe it. seems like it usually takes more than that.
but i tell ya, i can't sit and look at these.....really look at
these and not see the road i've traveled and where i've come to
and what i've got.

i'd have to be blind.

the road is rocky and bumpy sometimes. smooth and easy other times.
never dull, and amazingly, amazingly full.

i'm headin' to the shower now.
it's my turn.
and as i head up, i feel completely different.

how did that happen?

i know, without a doubt, i am the richest person ever.

OOOoooHHHhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

OOOOooooHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

i have to share this.
at this point i don't think there's really
any lyrics. but i'm not sure......

but my gosh.....
this COMPLETELY KNOCKS ME TO THE FLOOR.

OHMYGOSH.

i'm still wobbly.........

love stuff

he doesn't know it.....
and if he did, he'd squirm....
but when he tells me about stuff he
said to someone else, it's when i really
feel like i get such a good glimpse of who he is.
and i so love those moments.

he told me of a conversation where someone asked
him about rebuilding a relationship...what did
he think about that?

his bottom line.....they are built on trust and love.

as he was tellin' me, and he actually used paragraphs
to fill me in, i listened and smiled.

i thought of all the work we'd done with this kinda
stuff. how 'building' something is really what we've
been doin'.

before, when i was so young, and fell in love...
i thought you just found someone, and poof! it was magic!
you were in love and that's all you needed.

i've learned a lot along the way.
and i've also learned that i have a long way to
go to figure it out.

and it's not just about your relationship with your partner.
it's about any kinda love.

before this conversation even happened, another version
of it popped into my head. standing in the shower last
nite, out of nowhere, a thought landed in my head about
love. about how completely misunderstood it is.

love. i really really think it's sooooooo misunderstood.
it's not like i understand it any better than anyone else.
i think all i've got goin' for me is that i know i don't
understand it. i think that's helpful. better to be aware
of your ignorance than not.

the thought landed so hard into my head outta the blue,
that i looked up at the ceiling, in the middle of my shower,
and grinned. the psychic phone booth was talkin' to me.
i'm payin' attention and gonna sit with it today. think
i'll be writing a lot of it out today. it was callin' me
that much.

and then there he was this morning tellin' me of the
building blocks of a relationship. sayin' love was one of
those building blocks.

of course.
but how much do we even think about what that is?

one thing led to another, and before i knew it, he was at
the point of questioning all reality and wondering if there
was ANY kinda reality.

i laughed. wasn't even gonna go there today.
my hands are full enough on the love stuff right now.

what a nite

it was just one of those nites.
i was so tired and yet wide awake.
i got up and wandered for a few minutes.
then got back in bed.

wide awake, i got up and wandered again.

back in bed, i decided maybe i was hungry.

eatin' a banana, i thought how i'd like to go
to sleep now.

snugglin' in, i slept.

couldn't have been too long when the rain
woke me up.

it was pouring.
just pouring.

got up to close the windows.

back in bed, i dozed off again.

CRrrrrRRRRAAaaaaaCCCcccKKKKkkkkkkkk.......

lightning hit close by.

eyes wide i listened to the storm.

eyes shut i thought how wonderful it all sounded
as long as it didn't do any damage.
dozing i heard the loud bangs, booms and crackles
and cozied deeper into my pillow.

SLAAAAM!

the den door slammed shut.

bolting straight up in bed, i looked over hoping
to see noah or zakk go by after having slammed the door.
no noah. no zakk.
still sitting upright i tried to reason why the door
woulda slammed. all my wonderful knowledge of physics
kicked in and i thought of the windows that were closed
and which one was open and how it just wouldn't have
been reason to make the door slam.

laying back down, i figured that if it was an intruder,
they prolly wouldn't have slammed the door. and even if
they had, i woulda known by now.

pulling the blankets close to my face i dozed off again....

more lighting. more thunder.
the rain poured at my window.

sitting up again i saw that my gutter musta been clogged
right at my window as the water was just pouring down in
a way that couldn't have been good for the house.

sigh.

laying down again i thought of a man.
any man.
preferably bob, but seriously, at this point, i think any
man woulda done.

it's not often i wish there was a man right next to me.
i mean, sure, it would be great if bob was here. but he's
not and i usually handle that pretty well.

at this point tho, i was really missin' that body you just
push against and say 'what was that??' and they take care
of everything.

i thought of my elderly neighbor. how long had it been since
she had that?? for me....it's been nine years. oh my gosh.
nine??? nine years. for her.......way longer.

wow i wondered. how does that feel to have no one there with
you for so long?? i mean, nine years is pretty long......
wow......

i thought about that.....
how comforting it is to have that.
but then again.......how it's not very comforting when it's
the wrong body in there with you.

i sighed.

i covered my head, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

this morning it all seemed really funny.

tonite, i'm taking my stuffed monkey to bed with me.

snippets

the snippets ran thru my mind as i wandered
on my treadmill this morning.

i wasn't moving fast today. it just wasn't
happening. and my mind seemed to be floatin'
along too.

i kept hearin' different sentences goin' thru
my head. funny too, as my buddy, mary, just
posted a blog on sentences.

here i had a million different ones shootin'
on thru me.

they were snippets of conversations i had had
the last couple days....

things like:

'it's been hard. real hard.'

'i had to ground him again. it's only gonna
get worse.'

'i love you.'

'i have to share this star visual i had with you!'

'she scared the hell out of me about the bleeding
but there's not a thing i can do about it right now.'

'you're scared again. just relax and breathe.'

'she says she doesn't have a drinking problem.'

'you changed my life today.'

'didn't that just knock your heart against the wall?!'

'i'm a little worried about my finances, but i'm going
to go home and work on it.'

'you can't hold on tight, cause then you've killed it.
i'm really okay letting it be. i'm gaining so much
from this.'

'i love you too.'

'i'm torn between my unwavering faith i did the right
thing, and it will be okay, and the 'bottom line' my
accountant keeps dwelling on.'

'you're my hero.'

'i know i'm being a terrible friend.'

'we're becoming such good friends.'

'she adores him.'

'he cheated on her.'


on and on the snippets went........
whirling inside of me.

life.
i see a lot of it.
i'm lucky enough to see a lot of it.

today i'm just holding this huge melting pot inside of
me and watching. and thinking.
and wondering.

and wanting to offer love in response to each sentence....

one heck of a comment

i love my friends.

i just got a comment on the last blog that i'm gonna
post here, cause my gosh, it is jammed pack full of
wisdom.

it's in response to the 'hurt train' below, which makes
me smile as the hurt in that blog prolly wasn't what
my friend was thinking of when she commented here. she
knows some of my hurts, and i'm thinking this is aimed
at a certain big one i carry. and she's so so dead on
right.

it fits the smaller one the below blog is about too,
of course, cause i think it fits all hurts.

but she's talkin' about the big ones here, guys.
and i know we all have some.....

so this is for all of us.

and pam.....i think you're beautiful. thank you for
this comment.

So, imagine that you've been hurt. And your body or your emotions of the moment have healed, but you've kept that hurt in front of you so you can see it and remember it and know if it ever comes your way again. You carry it, like an armload of bricks, everywhere you go. Now and then, when you meet someone safe, you can put down the bricks and rest for a bit; but before you go on, you pick them up again. Your arms are so full of hurt that there's no way they can hold the love and the good things that might come your way -- the bricks always stand between you and the good stuff -- as well as the bad. My heart was hurt terribly when my son died. I carried that hurt like a huge splinter that stayed lodged right in my heart, where it festered and poisoned me; but I was afraid to remove it. I thought if I lost the hurt there would be a huge hole in my heart -- just the size of a little boy -- and I'd never be able to bear seeing the reason I was aching. At one terrible time, I wrote "don't rob me of my pain, it's all I have." We hold onto the hurt, because in some bizarre way it takes the place of whatever we have lost. We carry it as a memorial to our injury. Only when we put it down can the wound heal. My heart bears a scar, but it's a mark of the healing that has taken place since I laid down my pain and removed the festering splinter. It is hard to put the hurt away; but all that follows the courageous act is healing and growth.

the hurt train

we were talkin' and he was fillin' me in on
stuff goin' on with him that's tough.

he finished fillin' me in, i asked him a few
questions to get a feel of where he was. he
was definitely at a 'whatever' place with all
this.

you know......
when you just say 'whatever.'

i got it, even tho we didn't say that out loud.
i understood where he was.

then he asked me about something he knew was
buggin' me.

i told him that i was just letting it go.
lettin' it be whatever it was.

he commented on that sounding healthy.

'i don't know how healthy it is, as there's
a lotta hurt behind it.'

and that's when he said......'sometimes that's
how you gotta get there, on the hurt train.'

and as soon as he said that, i realized that's
exactly what was goin' on with him too.
with his 'whatever.'
sometimes the hurt just goes on for too long
or it's too much and you just let go.

the hurt train brings you to that release place.

where you just can't deal with it anymore and
you just let go.

looking at his situation, i could see it bringing
him to where he needed to go. to a place that was
a little more honest in what was goin' on.

so i turned to my own situation.
my gosh.
same thing.
bringing me to a place i needed to go.
a place that was a little more honest in what
was really goin' on.

sometimes, maybe it's true, maybe you need the hurt
train to get you there......

maybe everything, including hurt, carries something
for us if we let it.

women

thinking of the power of women today.
actually, it's been whirling in my head for
a few days now.

and then this morning someone sent me an
article called the 'holy boldness of women.'

holy boldness.

wow, what a great phrase.
got me thinking all the more about women.
and our power.

i interact with so many different women every
day and i have the honor of knowing some really
wise and amazing women.

power filled, wisdom filled.

probably the thing i see most as our weakness
is that we don't recognize/honor our own power.

we get lost in the self worth stuff.

kinda mind boggling.

here is this really incredible group of people
and while it's easy for one of them to see the
value in the others, it's hard for them to see
the value in themselves.

mind boggling.

and makes me think.

changes start with ourselves, don't they?
maybe being really conscious of our own self
worth won't just help us, but it might help
the planet.

man.
there's a thought.

breathing again

last nite when i got into bed,
there was a cool breeze blowin' thru the window.
ohmygosh.......that felt soooo good.

i even put a blanket at the bottom of the bed
just in case it got really cool during the nite.

i leaned back on my pillow and just felt the
temperature with delight.

this morning when we biked, the sky was gorgeous
and the temperature so much cooler than it had been.
i soaked it in.

i don't need no stinkin' ac on in my studio - fans
are enough.

when i just got up to run thru the house to get
something the floor wasn't hot like it has been.
you could run thru without feeling like all the
air had been stolen away from you.

it's cooler.
it's so much cooler.

it's not cool.
no.
but that's okay cause it's summer.
it's not sposed to be cool.

but it's coolER..........

and my gosh does that feel like a gift today!
life is so much easier to handle when you can
breathe......

you've got to be kidding me........

got an email from a friend...
she was tellin' me what a disappointment
she was to her family and told me why.

she did this and not that. she didn't do this
with that....that kinda thing....

somewhere in this note it felt like she
agreed. i'm not sure on that. and we definitely
need to talk about that.

i was thinking about it as i was on the
treadmill this morning.

what i wanted to say to her.....

so you left a job because it didn't talk
to your heart....so you had a beautiful
little girl when you 'shoulda' been doin'
something else.....

you wanna tell me what's disappointing???

and then bam. without even thinking,
i turned it right on me.

i have felt nothing but a disappointment
to my family. i know the feeling she's got.

so what would i say to me if i wasn't me?

so you found your voice and claimed your life?
oh yeah, that's disappointing.

you loved motherhood and raised three incredible
sons. yep...that's a downer. you definitely shoulda
been a lawyer.

you found someone to teach you love and you're
learning how to love for the first time in your
life. oh yeah....that's so disappointing, it's
been called a bad example for my sons. oh yeah.
that's one heck of a bad example. who do you
think you are really learning how to love? talk
about a disappointment.

you believe in your heart now enough to offer it to
the world. my gosh, girl.....you disappoint over and
over again.

you've got to be kidding me?!

how is it i've bought this underlying theme????

i do realize tho.....it's stages.
this has been years for me that i've been workin' on
this stuff.

there was the acceptance of it at first.
they were right.

then the peeling it off with total guilt.
they're not right, but i'm still wrong.

then the anger and sayin' eat my dust.
i love my life and i really resent you.

and then all these stages swim around and repeat.

there's been some sort of acceptance.
it's okay. you are who you are. i am who i am.

and then not.
it's not okay and i hurt.

and then a little bit of acceptance again.

but this morning....on the treadmill.......
i saw it.

and.
i've seen what i've seen this morning before.
i've rejoiced in what i've had before.
i've seen it as a real gift - what i've done,
what i've claimed, where i've been, where i've come
to.

and then i lose it again.

and stages repeat and come in and out again....

and they progress.

this morning, deeper than ever before, more clearer,
so completely understood, i saw what a gorgeous life
i had. i've taken this that i've seen before, and
gone a little bit deeper this morning.

and i saw that if anyone could really see it or me,
they wouldn't be disappointed.

but i don't even care.

cause all that matters to me is that i see it.

and i know that i haven't disappointed me.

and that right there is so darn huge, i'll be thinking
of it all day.

cause you know what?
i haven't.

my gosh.
i haven't.

how totally awesome cool is that?!

holding the life i've created with great glee today.
and with the holiest of gratitude.

memories in 3D

so it's a kids movie.
'despicable me' and bob and i are there with
our 3D glasses takin' in the show.

when a strange thing happened.......
some moment in the movie triggered a childhood
memory for me.

a memory of something i did that was really
cool. suddenly i wasn't at the movies anymore.
i was back remembering.

and i was thinking about this little girl who
did this really generous thing. and then another
memory came in. and another.

and they were all memories of this girl who was
generous and thoughtful and caring. i could see
so clearly in these acts a heart that truly was
awesome. there was no doubt. no doubt. i knew.
i just knew. it was so obvious.

and there, in the middle of the theater, behind my
3D glasses, in the dark, the tears were rollin' down
my face. cause i could see this awesome little girl
was part of me. we were the same.

during the week, something that happened with my family
hurt really bad. it hurt deep, and it sent me spinnin'.
i had to work hard not to go to places i used to go to.
i was fine by the time the movie came around altho the
movie was goin' on at the same time something i was really
hurt about was goin' on. i was aware of the timing and
aware of the pain, but happy i was with bob and tryin'
hard to stay centered.

and then....bam.........this scene in the movie....and
the memories.....and the tears.....and then this deep
deep knowing that i wasn't just a good daughter. i was
an awesome daughter. i was just filled with it.

the movie continued, i tried to focus......but then another
scene triggered more stuff. and more tears.....

and i thought of my family. and i thought of that girl growin'
up and how she grew up into me. and how we were so the same.
our hearts were so the same. my heart hasn't changed. it's
only deepened in a good way. and it's a good heart.

we came outta the movie and bob asked how i liked it.
actually, some of the movie really bugged me as i think they
were wrong to put in some of the abusive kid stuff that they did.
so i said 'it was okay.'

he looked at me. 'that's it? it was okay?'
i guess i'm usually more of a movie reviewer than that....

i told him i really wasn't into a few of the things they did
with the kids. he said he actually even read that in a review.
felt good i wasn't the only one who felt that way...
and then i said.....

'well, i kinda left in the middle of it.' and looked
over at him.

he's used to me. doesn't hesitate. 'where'd you go?'

and as we drove home i told him about it.
and i could feel this feeling inside me.
it wasn't that everything with my family was easy now and
i was all fine and dandy.
what it was tho was maybe even better than that...
it was a deep knowing that i was an awesome daughter.
seen or not seen.
i saw it.

and that this morning is still feeling way deep and good.

kinda odd

so i can see a really big thing i need to
get down...
something i need to learn for my insides.

i can see it.

it's more of a knowing in my bones that i have
to just get down in there.

not sure how.
but i see the things that press the buttons
and i see the things that set me spinning and
i think they can help me.

it's like i'm seein' them from a different angle
this morning.

like maybe they're not bad things.
those things that press my buttons and spin me.

maybe just maybe....
they're gonna help me.

and somehow that thought gave me a little more
courage this morning.....

mix it with this one.......
driving last nite we were talkin'.
and i said that it was really okay what was happening
as it was stretching me.

and if everyone had to have a 'hard' thing in their life
to teach them things, i would gladly take what i'm
struggling with as my hard thing.

it beats a lotta other hard things.

and suddenly, it seemed more of a gift than a burden.

between the two, there's almost excitement in me.
kinda odd............

breezes inside and out

i sat outside tryin' to center myself.
tryin' to connect with my inner child.
she had totally gone into hiding.

just when she had finally come out yesterday,
something happened, and she slammed the door
shut tight.

i was making no progress touchin' in with her.
usually when i make the intention of connecting,
i can do it easily.

it just wasn't happening.

okay, i said.
that's okay. hunker down. i totally get that.
and i'll handle things out here.

i leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes.
i thought of the things that kept hitting me.
i'm not exactly sure of the thought process,
but mixed in it all popped the word 'limits'
and 'less than'.....

and it struck me how the different situations
were times when it just felt like everyone forgot
life was abundant, life was full of god, and that
they were imposing limits everywhere.

it felt so frustrating to me. and that's the little
terri part.....she knows about abundance and touchin'
god and lovin' everyone....and she's hidin' now cause
no one else is gettin' it. and in their not gettin' it,
she's gettin' slammed.

i opened my eyes to the sky.
i thought of the term 'less than.'
i've always hated that feeling. that i was less than.
and i've had that feeling many times.

but this time the situations around me felt less than.
not me. but the situations.
just the sheer locking out of god around me.
and how it was affecting me.

eariler it was me that felt less than. earlier it had
touched my core of self doubt. but now it had changed.
i saw the situations as less than.

'and i don't know how to touch god right now' i thought.

and i swear, right then, exactly right then, this really
gentle breeze blew across my face.

i felt it.
it was so gentle.

the tears came to my eyes.
it's all right here, i thought.
it's all still in me.
and i closed my eyes, and this time i could see little terri.

i pictured us sittin' on a deck overlooking the mountains.
the breeze blowin' our hair.

it's in us, ya know? i said to her.
she was snuggled in close and enjoyin' the view.

we can't let others take it away from us or hide it from us.
that's less than.
that's taking their less than and making it our own.
and that is such a mistake.

that's what we've been doin'.

it's not ours.
don't hold it.
don't take it.

leave it be.

'they just don't know.' i told her. 'they just don't
know what they're doin. it's their confusion. not ours.
they're not bad. they just really really don't know.'

that part felt like such a huge relief.
they don't know.
they're not bad.
they just don't know.

and that's okay.

i don't think i can reasonably expect my inner child and i
to just go dancing down the street when i feel like we get
hit over and over. but i do think that i can separate their
limits from my limits.

and absolutely refuse to hold theirs in my hands.

as i typed that i so clearly saw little terri with her
arms crossed. she ain't takin' it today.

and i smile......

if we can just maintain that attitude......

and turn to our own breezes and skies and open our arms
to them......

that is so my hope for the day.......

ketchup not salsa....

we were sittin' around the table havin' lunch.

there was a ketchup bottle on the table and a jar
of salsa.

josh turned to me and asked me how i was doin' with
some stuff that landed on me last nite.

i told him i had figured something out.

i picked up the ketchup bottle.

'this is the deal here.' i said.
'this is what's goin' on.'

then i picked up the salsa jar and said
'this is what i want to be goin' on. this is
what i keep tryin' to see.'

'ohhhh they're both red' he said.

i laughed.

yeah.
they're both red.
but they're totally different.

i need to know this is what is.
and i shook that ketchup bottle in the air.

i need to stop wishing for this.
and i plunked the salsa down.

and i figured that out.
and i think that's way way important.

why twist yourself up tryin' to make something
into something it's not???

why not accept things and go from there?

why indeed.

and the why is what i need to sit with.
and then accept my very human reasons.
offer compassion to that part of me.....

and then move forward.

i actually thought it was a kinda freeing thought.....

a reminder

why is it i'm always forgetting the universe
and its input???

i don't have to do everything on my own.

there is some kinda something floatin' around
out there.....

and i remembered that right away when i saw
the caller id on my phone this afternoon.

a friend i rarely talk called.
there she was.
outta the blue.
and i smiled.

she called with a cosmic story. about something
that happened when our energies mixed.

that in itself was enough of a tickle to help me
remember to trust and allow.

but then the conversation that followed really
really did me so much good.

in speaking of her own stuff she told me of a quote
she's always loved: "living well is the best revenge."

i loved it and scribbled it down as she was talking.

then she asked me about my stuff.
a little choking up and spitting it out and we talked
of what all it entailed.

of having gratitude for all i did have, and accepting
things as they were. and to not try to fix everything!!!

the living well is the best revenge thing seemed to
encompass gratitude.

i mean, you can't live well without it....
and i really really liked it.

a few notes with different friends, a conversation with
my guy, a lotta thinking on my own....

and i felt like standin' up, brushin' off my rear end,
and movin' forward.

and living well.

gratitude, and allowing all part of the deal.....
and.....and.......remembering that i'm not in this alone.

the plan

funny.
funny how complicated things are inside sometimes.
how i can be doin' just fine and then the oddest thing
will set me over the edge.

maybe i wasn't really doin' just fine then, huh?

yeah, maybe.

and then maybe it's not the oddest thing that pushes
me over the edge. maybe it's when whatever i'm not
doin' fine with gets shown to me in my face. there's
just no ignoring it......

bam.
over the edge.

that happened yesterday.
i knew it. stopped. and went and sat under a fan
with a puzzle. i just needed to be alone and figure
out what was goin' on.

sad.
yeah.
i was sad.
so i did my puzzle and thought about it.
i tried to allow myself the sadness.

there's anger in there.
and i don't usually allow that.
prolly a mistake.
but i just focused on the sadness.

later, still wobbly, one of my deepest buttons got pushed.
oOooofff.
a kick in the gut, a slap in the face, a rip of the heart.

darn.
i thought i had a better grip than this.
darn.
darn.

sitting outside this morning i thought about it.
i was angry at myself for not having a better handle on it
all.

oh, that's nice, ter.
be mad at yourself for this.
if you handed this to anyone else, they'd tell you how
painful it is. why can't you allow yourself that??

cause if i could just have a handle on this, it would stop
hurting.

and i just want it to stop hurting.
cause it's not gonna end.
it's gonna go on and on and on.

so i sat outside and allowed myself the hurt.i allowed
myself compassion for myself.

i don't know why, but the phrase 'it is what it is'
helps me.

it tells me this is it, kid.
you can analyze it to death, but this is it, kid.
what you do with it is up to you.

so i took the whole mishmash from yesterday.......the first
thing that sent me over the edge and the second thing that
landed me flat on the ground.......

and tucked it into my heart.
it's in there.
my gosh, i can feel it.
and that's all i'm gonna do right now.

there's a whole lotta other things in that heart of mine too.
and right now, what seems like the thing to do is just work
on feelin' the other things.

not in a denial kinda way.
in a letting things be what they are kinda way, and focusing
on some stuff that makes me feel valued.

and i do believe......that has to come from me.
actively focusing on and knowing my value.

not even sure how to do that!
but that's the plan today.......

heat

yeah, it's a bit hot here.
but it's all anyone's talkin' about.
which is kinda funny considering how many
people never really leave an air conditioned
environment for more than for a few moments.

i didn't want to be like that. specially as
i knew i had AC in my studio now. so i had
no real problems.

i knew it was coming, groaned as i like the
cool...looked for when the heat would break and
knew as long as i knew it would break, i'd be
fine.

first nite sleeping was warm, but it cooled
down enough. i didn't sleep well, but figured
it would aide in my sleeping the next nite.
i'd be tired enough not to care.

that was last nite.
which was even warmer. i lay in bed too warm
to sleep. something i have said every year when
talking to people about not having an air conditioner
is 'at most there's maybe three nites a season
that are too hot to sleep.' i thought of that and
wondered if that'd hold true this year as it's only
july. looks like we may mess with that theory.

taking forever to go to sleep, i slept late.
sleeping late means i missed any kinda exercise time.
feelin' outta sorts about this, i fuzzily went about
my morning stuff. noticing how hot it was in the
house already and knowing this would just continue
for days.

not happy with this idea, i plopped myself down at
my desk. feelin' pretty hot and a little sick to my
stomach i leaned back. i think i need a cold shower.
even tho i haven't exercised.

and that's where i'm heading.
but with this thought....

it IS hot. and that SHOULD change things. it should
affect how i sleep and what i do. cause it really
really is hot. my yard is burnt up, i'm tryin' to
save a few plants and some trees i planted last year.
it's dry, it's hot, and things are feelin' it.

how totally cool that i'm part of that.
how totally cool that it's affecting me.
sometimes my entire world is so insulated from everything
else 'out there' that it's so easy to not feel anything
about it.

i thought of that last nite about some world events.
it's 'out there' and when i tune in, i'm overwhelmed.
so mostly i don't tune in. or only part way tune in.

that's not so good.
i know that somehow that's survival.
but i think we can insulate way too much. become not
part of things anymore.

the heat this morning reminded me of that.
we ARE part of the deal here.
it SHOULD affect us.
it's a good thing. even when it makes us sick to our
stomach at times......

there's coping methods......like the cold shower i'm
headin' to......but coping and being part of something
is way better than insulating and ignoring.
i think so, anyway.

and the morning looks way different now.

bikes, heat, and attitudes

his bike broke over the weekend.
he was downtown ridin' with his dad and bro
when it just jammed up on him and some
important piece split in half.

luckily, they were near a metro and could
metro back....

but that leaves him with this little trick
bike he got when he was 16.

so there's this huge big mammoth of a guy
on this little trick bike.

and darn if i had trouble keepin' up with him.

i was slow this morning.
i told myself to embrace the heat and go with
the warmth....
and it's cool in the early morning....

but i just wasn't moving quite right.
slow.

so slow at one point that he looked over and
said 'mom. you're really petering out here.'
and i laughed so hard.
cause he was right.
and i was pathetic.

i laughed so hard and so loud, i caught a neighbor's
attention. we waved.

heat for me is a mindset.
and i haven't quite moved my mind to the right place
yet.

i thought i had.
but my body isn't quite followin'.

a little more exercise, a cold shower...
and now i turn to the day watching the power of my mind.

i know for a fact that if i accept the heat, i am fine
and dandy.

it's not until i accept it that i move along smoothly.

i think it's the most amazing thing.
cause that is life.
all of life.

and here i am again, draggin' my feet.
peterin' out....

well, baby.......not for long.
shifting gears, and pedalin' right into it all.....

a little inspiration

another weird morning???
perhaps so.......

i grabbed one of my favorite books for inspiration
this morning and loved what i got......

so i'm here to share!

'fear has the capacity to close the mind, to motivate
us compulsively. but fear also has the capacity to
remind us that we have come to our edge, are approaching
unexplored territory. its very tightness helps us to
realize that the appropriate response is to let go
softly, to acknowledge it, to enter into it, to become
one with it so as to go beyond to whatever truth may
present itself.'

mmmmmm.......
really like that.

my day

one of those strange days....
everything was off and chaotic and yet i was
pretending it was a normal work day....

didn't work.

it's hot.

people i know are struggling.

people i don't know are struggling.

i've been inspired today.

i've been saddened today.

i've been smitten with my man today.

i've provided wisdom for one son.

scared two other sons with a strange mood.
they actually said they were scared of me.
i told them they were the scary ones.

worked hard.
got lazy.
worked on a puzzle.
worked on orders.

ate too much.
all of it vegetables.

checked on friends.
was checked in on by friends.

all in one day.

and i sit here and think of women.

of how there seems to be a natural progression
that leads to some sort of waking up.

i can't get my mind off women.

of how sooner or later something comes along
and says 'hey! hey! hey you! wake up, bud!
you actually matter. you gonna see that or what?'

thank god for that voice.

hmmmmmm........maybe that voice is god.

stars, fireworks and joy

it's been a long, long time since i hung
out with him and his telescope.
usually it's too late, or too far away or too
cold,or i'm just too tired.....

but last nite, when i found out that josh was
actually opting out of his plans to travel
down the road with his scope, and was going
to stay home and star gaze, and bob was leaving
early, well, i knew it was an opportunity to
snag.

in answer to josh's invitation, i heard myself
say 'i think i could really use this, i'll be
there.'

stopping for some soy ice cream on the way, i
headed out at dusk. we sat on his back porch
eating ice cream and catching up. i miss his
energy in my house. it's always nice to sit and
soak some up.

'it's been a long time since i took you on a sky
tour' he smiled.

i smiled back.

i was ready.

years and years ago, i had hung out with him in a
field about an hour south with his astronomy club.
it was dark there. that's why they met there. away
from all the lights around us.
they had scopes of every size. it was the first
time in my life i had ever seen the stars like that.

as completely ignorant as this sounds, i seriously
had no idea that there were so many stars out there.
i remember gasping as i looked thru the huge scope
at the gazillions of stars. i had no idea there were
so many. no idea at all.

i didn't expect to see that again last nite as that
was a really big scope and josh's, while big, isn't
that big....

but ya know.....his house is a little bit darker than
mine......and that's all it took. while not as bright
as that first time i looked years ago, i could still
see all those stars.

i gasped again.
i asked him......am i really that ignorant? does
everyone know there's this many stars up there???

his answer was so kind. he said something about it being
hard to comprehend and we just don't really take it all
in.

it's not that. while that goes on too.
i just didn't know.
and i'd like to suggest that if you haven't ever looked
thru a fairly big telescope, that you really need to make
that happen....because it's completely filled with stars
up there...and you need to know this. you need to see this.

i sat back while he got up view after view for me.
'oh my gosh! what's that?!' i said as i looked thru at
one of the views.

'it's the ancient city of suns.' he said.

i sat back down and leaned up lookin' at the sky thinking
about that....

the ancient city of suns.

woe.

wonder if i have one of them in me, i thought.
and smiled at the sky.

there were double clusters and giant globulas or something
like that....josh knows all the terms, all the names, and
he can turn that scope onto all kindsa things.

the best tho was when he told me to just look thru the eye
piece and move the scope anywhere i wanted.

i looked thru and saw millions and gazillions of stars and
just gently moved that scope all over the place and everywhere
i looked....it was more and more and more. i just kept gently
moving that thing....wandering the sky. and getting lost in
the vastness of it all.

the vastness.

once again....that word, that thought, that sky........

i've got something to work with now when i visualize the stars
inside of me.

i think i want to start playin' with that vastness of it all.

cause i honestly believe that's inside us as well.

and that honestly makes me gasp.

stars.
millions and gazillions of stars.......

they're in us. they're above us. they're part of us.

and tonite when i'm out watchin' the fireworks, i'm gonna
be holding that.

and i'm gonna let the joy of that explode in me along with
those fireworks.

happy fourth of july....

words help

my buddy pam wrote me a note yesterday with
a sentence in it that knocked me outta my
chair.

it was the wording of the sentence that just
bam. bam. bam. hit so loud and clear.

i wanted to put it out here....

she was writing me about the message we get
when we're molested. here's what she said:

"We hear "don't tell" as "don't tell who you are,
because the molester saw that and look what happened."

woe.

woe.
woe.

have you ever worded it to yourself that way???

i don't think i have.

i think i have worded it a thousand ways to myself,
and i think they've all meant the same thing....
but she nailed it right there in such a clear way
that it really helped me see it better.

i thought it might help some of you....

time to fix that faulty message, don't ya think???

how???

i don't know.
but i'm gonna do it anyway.
sometimes i think it's 'fixed' and then sometimes
i know it's not.

it's one of those sneaky things that comes up in
weird moments.

well, i want different things to come up in weird
moments. not that.

and i think pam just helped me a lot to kinda hold
it in a different light.

thought maybe it could help you too.

(pam, i shoulda asked you if i could use the sentence!
grin.
but i kinda like the idea of you comin' over here
and bein' surprised.
i want you to see how much your words help.....)

the ending of a prayer

ya know how when you taste something so incredibly
delicious you can't help but make those mmmmmm mmmmm
noises???

well the weather has changed here. and i mean it has
so changed for the better. it was soooooo hot.
now it's delicious.

i walked into my room last nite and the breeze was
blowin' thru the windows and it was chilly! i squealed
with delight and grabbed the blanket i had tossed to
the side.

ahhhhhhhhh this is goin' on my bed tonite!
i had the overhead fan goin', spread my blanket, climbed
in, leaned back and just went mmmmmmmmmmmm.
and mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. and mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
mmmmmmmmmmmmm. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
mmmmmmmmm.

my gosh it was delicious.
totally delicious.

i thought of a conversation i had earlier. i was describing
the flight and how it felt like i touched god and i had
trouble coming back and concentrating. i just couldn't quite
land. and in that same conversation i had described this
complete washing over of my cells of some bad icky feelings
i had when a button of mine got pushed. i could feel it
everywhere in my depths. the conversation went on to include
other deep feelings about different things.

he looked at me, grinned and said 'you certainly do live life.'

and i laughed. yeah. i guess i do.

as i lay there in my bed just soakin' up the deliciousness of
the coolness in my room, i smiled.

i have to remember what that book said.
in all of it........the good AND the bad........god's there.
every bit of it is holy. i forget that with the 'bad' stuff.

a breeze blew in. noah wandered over. i heard zakk headin'
my way.

every bit of it is holy.
and the ending to my day last nite felt like the ending of
a prayer that i had lived the entire day.

the vastness inside

i can't get the vastness of the sky out of
my mind.

i keep thinking 'that's inside all of us.'

my gosh.

what a thought.

mix it in with this gorgeous weather we have
right now and it will really get your insides
wired up.

noah and i have been bike riding in the mornings
together. it's great fun and feels good to spend
time with him. i just don't do my morning thinking
then. so i decided i needed to do it on the treadmill.

this morning i needed to just kinda try to hold the
concept of the vastness inside us. so i hopped on
that thing and got moving and thinking.

i tried to picture the vastness....could only get
tiny glimpses. i'd get frustrated and go to the stars
inside me.

easy for me to go there.

as i went along i joked to myself that i was star
powered. at one point i reached for the water and
took a sip and told myself i was watering the stars.

'you're a lunatic.' i told myself.

'yeah, but lunatic so works for me.' i answered.

and it does.

i kept goin' and pictured the stars....and tried to
see the vastness.

i haven't got it yet where i can see it.

i'm okay with that tho.
i figure something so big may take awhile to see.

isn't that funny?
seems like something that big would be easy to see.
but maybe a lifetime of training not to see it just
gets in the way.

i'll get there.
i know i will.

cause it's in me already.
all i gotta do is see it.