sharing........

okay........

have to share this everywhere i can......

one of the most moving blog posts i've ever
read.........


thank you, pam..........

mullin' time

everything seems to have a flip side, ya know?

some of it was real hard for me to accept at first.
gosh, some of it still is!

like when i first came in contact with someone
who really did seem like a 'healer' and who i also
saw as having some real unhealthy issues themselves.

how can that work?? i wondered.
and doubted the validity of their healing.

for a long time, i just denied the good they were doin'
and figured they were a fake.

and then somewhere along the line, i couldn't deny the
good some of them did. even if they were what i'd call
jerks.

and i wondered how that worked.

still do wonder.

and then there's authors and speakers.......

i gotta tell ya, if i had to pick a group with some
pretty big personal issues, i'd say it was authors
and speakers!! talk about an ego trip and getting
full of yourself and thinking you have all the answers.

oh my goodness.

and being kinda intuitive and sensitive, i really do
notice these things.

of course, some of it's hard to miss...like when they tell
you here's all the truths of the universe-let me
fill you in.

excuse me??

insert eye roll here please.

but i tell ya what....i'd listen. and i'd filter thru
my own lens and i'd use what felt right to me.

i'm pleased to say this morning, after talkin' to a friend
about this, that i've gotten much better about takin'
the message i want and leavin' the messenger behind.

even with the book 'tuesdays with morrie' i had a few
problems with morrie!

ohmygosh. shoot me now.
i wasn't gonna tell anyone that.

and i found myself at the coffee shop with bob and josh
and tellin' them what i saw in morrie.

bob looked at me and said 'you're psychoanalyzing morrie!!'

and i laughed, and i put my head down cause i was!!

i loved the book. i loved morrie. would have so
enjoyed bein' his friend. but i saw some of his issues
driving him.

my gosh.......who's don't, ya know??
our issues really do a lot of the driving.
even when it's good driving.

in my note to my friend, i mentioned m. scott peck.
the author of one of my favorite books. his section on love
in his books is one of the best i've ever read. and my gosh,
that man musta been a real pill to live with.

whattya do with that???

some i can listen to and hear and pull out the good stuff.
some i can't even give the time of day to.
they've crossed too many lines for me.

so i guess there are lines.

i think i'm okay with sifting thru the arrogance and the
know it all stuff. which surprises me as i really dislike
that arrogant stuff in real life. but i think when it's in
written form, i can just skim over it.

(maybe i need to get better with skimming over it in real
life!!!)

i guess i'm not okay with sifting thru stuff that spreads
hate or small mindedness. i don't want to give that the
time of day. i have a lotta trouble with crude and crass.
crude and crass steal beauty for me. so that's hard too.

i'm not sure what the lines are.
and i want to kinda watch.
think it's an interesting question.

which things draw lines for you that you don't want to
give the energy to? is it helping or hurting you?

that's another great question, don't you think??

i'm gonna be mullin' over here..........
thought i'd throw it out there for you too.......

leo

i'm not sure if everyone in the world's heard of
this guy or not....

you know how if you grow up with someone you think
everyone did? then you realize um....no, they never
even heard of him???

i figure if you've heard of him, then you'll be happy
to be reminded and if you haven't heard of him...
then you'll be thrilled to be introduced.

leo buscaglia.

the love guy.

i remember watchin' his lectures on tv in the 70's!

i thought he was lost to me forever.
and then tonite......feelin' a lot like i needed some
help with love, i thought of him.

and i thought of youtube!

my gosh.

god bless youtube.

i'm gonna watch every single thing they have on this
guy.

but this is where i started tonite......
and i can't tell you how much it did for me.....

had to share!

a great comment

sometimes some of your comments just have to be posted right here.

ms. anonymous (who i really don't know who it is!!) posted this.
and i loved the zero balance part at the end.......wanted to share.

and i loved the affirmation that all this inner work has worn me
right on out!! you are not kiddin'! but in a good way. definitely
in a good way.

here we go.........the comment i didn't want you to miss......
(and yeah, it made sense!!!)

>


I've been doing some past emotional healing, and trying to move myself into a new (what I call) zero balance. This all started May of 09 when I read Brene Brown's first book, and has been put on pause when I finished Caroline Myss's Anatomy of Spirit about 6 weeks ago. In between there I have read several other books, gave birth to a beautiful daughter, and kept working on all the healing. Recently I went to the doctor b/c I couldn't understand why I'm so tired all the time. He told me I've been doing such internal work along with the baby girl I need time to rest. I didn't realize all that internal work could wear a person out like it does. So I completely understand where you are coming from. (The first little one did not wear me out like this second little one, so I was convinced that I had thyroid issues or some such thing)

I'll explain what I mean by Zero Balance real quick. You recently said in one of your posts you want to "operate" from that particular spot. I think everyone has a base operating level, the spot that they always operate from, and emotions and events send them a little ways from the base, but they always come back to that base, of their own particular truths. I call that spot that you repeatedly come back to your zero balance. For instance I want my self esteem to be higher now then it was in high school, and I want to operate from that higher zero balance spot of knowing I am worth more then I believed I was worth in high school. So the more self esteem is my new zero balance. Does this make sense? :)

his song...

it was a couple of years ago when we lost her.
when she took her own life and changed things forever.

it put me all over the place.
my gosh.
sorrow.
such deep deep sorrow.
tremendous dark grief.
horrible guilt.
an iron determination to be there for her parents.
a whole lot of worryin' about my own kids.
checkin' in on them, making sure i wasn't missing
things i needed to see...

there was so much then.
overwhelming stuff.

time goes on.
birthdays and anniversaries of the day she died...
maybe the whole month will bring me back to it all.

certain things hit deep.
when i see someone who reminds me of her.
when i hear her mother's voice and i hear her in that voice.
when i see a female violinist.
even just lookin' at a picture of a violin will do it to
me sometimes.
certain things still cut deep.

but time moves on.

the importance of what we are to each other fades.
the need to pay attention subsides.
stupid, petty things wrap around my mind and take my attention.

and then something comes thru that wakes me up.

like today.

i was workin' at my desk, listening to the music josh has
been workin' so hard on.

there's a song in there....i believe it's called 'the good
lord's lasso' (not sure as i don't have his written notes on it
but it's something like that....)

and it's his song about losing her and a friend of his to
suicide.

i stopped and just looked out the window and listened.
the tears began to roll down my face.

this is my favorite of the four songs he did.
cause i really hear who he is in this song.
he's learning how to sing and still finding his place with all
of that. this one feels like he forgets about finding his place
and he sings from his heart.

and i can hear some of his stuff that's in there about all of this.

i tried to talk to the guys about this stuff. how they feel about
it, what's goin' on inside them with it. all of that.
but how do you do that? how do you convey what's inside with stuff
like this???

what a gift to sit here and listen to a song he's written about it
and hear his voice as he sings it. to feel his heart.

it brought it all back.
so many small moments that will be burned inside me forever.
and there i sat listening, brought back to those moments, those days....
hearin' josh's pain now that he carries inside.

it woke me up.

yeah. it really really woke me up.

i've already been workin' on lettin' the petty stuff drop to my sides.
my gosh......
i just dropped whatever i had left i was holdin' on to.

pay attention to the stuff that matters.
the people that matter.

and hold the gift with all that you have........

i so love josh.

will put up a link to his song as soon as i have one......

another blurb

i haven't gone thru a book this fast in a long time.

kinda like i was dehydrated and really needed the water.

i think this book is one of the most helpful books i've
ever read for myself. not sure if it's the book, the timing,
the need....don't know.......

but my gosh, i have been loving it.
i'm almost done with it so there shouldn't be too many
more blogs with the book blurbs in it....
but they're just too good not to share.

so here we go, from 'defy gravity' by caroline myss.....

'no matter what rationale you give yourself for your actions,
negotiating your power for the sake of personal acceptance
is a form of self-betrayal that results in a loss of self-
respect.

....at the root of all this is a desire for empowerment
through the recognition of others, which is a path of
illusion. the truth is that no one can empower another
person.'

mmmmmmmmm........good stuff.

she has a section on forgiveness that just blew my socks
off........but there's too much to type out.

no wonder i'm exhausted....caroline's wearin' me out!
she's setting me straight on so many things that have gotten
skewed...no wonder i'm tired!

a whiney bear

man, i heard myself on the phone this morning.
yuck.
like a whiney bear.

tried to ride bikes with yo this morning.
i hurt my foot last week and have been layin low.
this was my first ride in awhile.

that went about the same as the phone call.
and had to call it quits early as i was afraid i
was hurtin' my foot.

yo rode up next to me sayin' 'happy thoughts, mom,
happy thoughts.'

grrrrrrrrr........

i wondered how people who spent life times in moods
like this stood themselves.

'i'm just gonna try this again' i said.
and went in to my room and lay down.

closed my eyes and kinda fell into a sea of
something.......

exhaustion???

i haven't done anything.

how can i be exhausted???

and then i thought of all the stuff that has
been whirlin' around me.....

yeah, i'm comin' out into the clearing and handling
things and feelin' better about things....

but you know what?
it's worn me right on out.

i realized this and just released into the feeling.

just acknowledgin' that it's been darn stinky hard,
seemed to be something i needed.

and that it's not all 'fixing itself' quite like i'd
pick or as fast as i'd pick. or even at all.

yeah.

whiney grouchy bear.

made sense.

i allowed myself to just rest a bit.
nothin' else.

just rest.

and i thought of the importance of being heard.

this morning, i needed to hear me.
just hear that it's been hard and i'm worn out a bit.
and that i'm ready to get back up into it all,
and feel good about that...
but maybe i just need to know it's been hard.

that's it.
nothin' more.

something so easy that can just get so missed.

a nice one to look at...

heard caroline myss say this yesterday.
well......not in person!! on the net.......

and i wrote it down........

'how well do i take the principles i believe in
and actually live them or how often do i negotiate
them?'


a nice one to look at here and there, i think....

maybe three

i think it's been a month of losses for me.
some new losses, some losses i haven't quite
finished letting go of. and some 'near' losses
that rattled me pretty good. some losses i'm
just now seeing.

and it's knocked me hard.
it's been a month of mini meltdowns and a lot
of feelin' sad and lost.

and i honestly have no clue what happens and how
it all works, but i feel like coming out of this
month, and maybe comin' out of these past eight months,
somewhere, somehow, without me having a clue it was coming,
i gained some strength.

some really good strong, deep stuff.

where did that come from????

well, if another woman came up to me and told me that,
i'd grin at her and say 'silly, it was inside you all
the time. you just had to uncover it.'

oh.
yeah.
i bet so.

but how amazing is it to uncover it without even knowing
you're uncovering it?!

this month i saw me do stuff.
i saw me release into total confusion, and i saw me
hold the feeling of lost and weak.
yeah, more than once i felt weak. and i gotta say,
i'm not really into that feelin'.
funny thing, more than once i was really really strong.
not sure i held that tho.
i noticed it a bit.
noticed that i'd do whatever i had to do to keep on
my journey.

i notice that when it comes up.
it's a good feeling, one that makes my eyebrows raise up
and think 'okay, well, that's good you haven't lost that
part.'
but i don't think i really stop to rejoice about that too
much.

certainly not as much as i lament all the tears i have
to cry at times.

even i get that 'would you just pull yourself together and
stop crying' feeling.
me. the queen of tears.

but today, i'm sittin' back, lookin' at those moments, the
panic moments, the calm moments, the thoughtful moments,
the scattered, lost moments....all of it and i'm marvelin'
at it.

cause all those moments led me to this one.

this one i can't really describe other than two steps deeper
in...

two steps deeper in. heck, maybe three.

maybe three.

and THAT is what i love.
i love love love those steps.

and yeah, they make all the ick really really worth it.

now. let me see if i can operate from this place i'm in.

i sure would like to.

a visit from an old friend....

it's pretty incoherent, just a fragment...
cause that's all i got.

i'm pretty sure i figured out that 'it's not about
the reward.'

think somewhere, somehow, that sunk in for real.

i don't exactly know how that whole theme took over
inside of me...but i'm pretty sure it did.

and it's a relief to sweep it out of me.

but where does that leave the magic??

i hadn't gotten that far.

the question made me nervous, and i just hadn't
stopped to figure it out.

a friend called with a problem, i went out to meet
her and talk about it.

thru the whole thing, i kept thinking of this stuff
that has sunk in in the last 48 hours.

i saw it fitting in places for her....but not everyone
needs my lessons for their stuff! so i threw a little
bit in there when it felt right, but kept most of it
for my own learning.

when i got home, there was an order from a catalog i
work with.

and this very quiet, very profound BAM hit me all
thru out my insides.

there's a story with this catalog.
i've been workin' with them from the very beginning.
from the very beginning.
and believe me, there has been constant strides in learning
how to let go, release, get in the right place to do
what i gotta do. it's been a constant growing thing.
from the very beginning.
ESPECIALLY in the very beginning.

and at ALL the really significant spots with that....
every time i tried so hard to release the grasping, or
whatever it was i needed to do....when i finally got there....
EVERY TIME....there was an order from this catalog.

no kidding.

it got so that even my engineer boyfriend's eyes would
get big and even he'd be amazed.

i rarely work with that catalog anymore.
seriously, it's rare to get an order now.
i don't ever look for them anymore.

when i walked in last nite and there was an order after
a whole day of me feeling like i stepped into a place
i so badly needed to step into...

it was like an old friend had come back to me.
and no, i don't mean the catalog!
i mean the universe!

seriously.

it was like the universe landed and said 'you were
wonderin' about magic? it's still here.'

i didn't cry.

on the outside.

but on the inside, i really did.

i felt the universe like i hadn't in ages.
and i had missed it.

i don't get it yet.
i don't understand yet.

but i'm not sure i have to.
as long as i'm open to it...

i don't believe there are rewards for doin' it
'right.'

at the same time...without a doubt, the universe put it
in front of my face last nite...i know there's magic.

how all that works, i have no idea.

but i'm not sure i even care right now.

i'm just so happy to be reminded.

open loops

it's a fascinating journey travelin' thru life with
an engineer as your partner.

i explained the latest thing on my mind and asked if
he knew what i meant.

'yep,' he said. 'you're using open loop control.'

'open loop??' i sat up.

a NEW phrase!

i jotted it down and asked what it meant.

apparently you can have different kinda control systems.
closed loop is the kind where you do something and then
adjust what you're doin' based on what happens. open loop,
you don't adjust because of the feedback.
(think i got that right......)

so, he says.......you want feedback about bein' a valuable
person. so you do something to get that feedback.
if the people you're looking for it from don't give it to
you, you adjust what you're doin' and try again.
you keep tryin', keep adjusting to get the feedback you're
looking for.

that's closed loop.

open loop would be knowing you're a valuable person,
not looking for the feedback and just headin' off to your
destination without worryin' about adjusting to the feedback.

ho. ho. ho.

this led to a great discussion.

how you need both, but you gotta make sure you're looking
for the right thing from the right source for the closed loop
stuff.

no kiddin'.

we hung up, i turned back to what i was doin' with a smile
on my face.

workin' with bone sighs today.
always therapeutic for me.

was finishing up with my last one.......

'they won't always reach back, she said.
know tho, that there are those who will.
love them.
honor the others.
and believe in what it is you are offering.'

believe it or not,i looked at that and thought
'open loop.'

i'm not exactly sure if it connects for anyone else
but me.

but it did connect for me.

i'm thinking i've been concentrating way too much
on the closed loop stuff. and while there's a place
for that.......think i want to go run hog wild into
an open loop for a bit here!

grinnin'......
and appreciatin' that engineer of mine....

turning my back on the sinkhole

i don't know how these things exactly happen.

i'm goin' along 'okay' and i turn and there's
this huge huge dark hole right at the edge of
my toes.

you know what it's like?
it's like those darn sinkholes that we've been
seein' in the news.

bam.
they just swallowed up the fast food restaurant's
drive-thru.

well, yesterday, i was almost the drive-thru.

my toes hit the edge of the hole.
my arms shot out and waved frantically all over the
darn place.

i fell backward, just outside the hole.
and then, i crept to the edge and dangled my feet
and legs in it.

money stuff.
again.
even more budgeting.
even more tightening the belt.

woe is me stuff.
what am i doin' stuff.
strugglin' stuff.
worn out and tired stuff.

laying down on the edge of the hole, i cried.
i looked down into the dark pit and really
wondered if i was gonna pull off what i wanted to pull off.

my sons came and pulled me back from the edge.
sat and talked with me.

bob met me over in the restaurant part of the place
and gave me that serious honest talk that he does so well.

somewhere along the way, and i seriously think the
'west wing' the boys made me take a break and watch may
have been a big part of the push, i turned my back on
the sink hole.

here's the deal......
you got something you want to do.
do it.
if you're doin' it for a reward, quit now.

let me repeat that line.

if you're doin it for a reward, quit now.

be clear on that, ter.

there's only one reason that will keep you goin'
no matter what.

cause you have to do it.
you're driven to do it.
it is what pumps thru your blood.

it took me til this morning to really understand that.

yesterday i knew i'd get up and do it cause i had to.

i didn't understand why i had to tho.

it totally totally pumps thru me.

so get up, and do what you gotta do, ter.
and rejoice in these men in your life who come and
hang out at the sinkhole's edge with you.

josh said to me last nite, 'let us help pull you up.
because we're a team. and that's what teams do for each other.'

and the rewards are all around me.

untanglin' my laces...

'okay, so what is it you're getting out of this
book?' he asked....

hmmmmmm........that means i have to sum it up.
not just share wonderful little pieces of it.
(altho, i did that too....)

i thought about it.
hmmmmm.......

she's reminding me of the sacredness of the journey.

she's reminding me that all this 'stuff' that has been
wearing me down isn't what the journey is about.
it's about what i do with this stuff.

she's reminding me of the power that i have inside of me.

she's reminding me of the sacredness in me.

hmmmm....
that's a pretty big reminder.

and it's beyond a reminder. she's touching those memories
and making all that stir inside of me again.

that's pretty big too.

this morning i woke up wishing he was still here.
i would have bombarded him with a question first thing.

because yesterday i told him that she was reminding me
that what's goin' on isn't about me. but what i do with it is.

and then this morning i woke up thinking it's entirely about me.

i woulda asked him to untangle that for me. or at least help
me with the untangling.

and so, since it was just me, i got up and tried to figure
it out as i made my bed and got all set for the day.

and i came up with this.

it's both.

yeah.
that's really what i came up with.

a whole whole lotta stuff isn't about me. i don't
have any part of.

and a whole whole lotta stuff i have a hand in.

i need to see which is which.
i think that's important.
and i need to see what part i play in the things i have
a hand in.

because if i can see that, i can work with that.

that goes directly with the raising the bar stuff i mentioned
a few days ago. when you're part of it, the choices you make
matter. raise the bar on those choices.

and if i really don't have a part in stuff, to see that
would be so helpful too.

much much easier to let it go that way.
and when you hang on to stuff you have no part of,
that seems to cause a whole lotta problems.

so i think it's both.

and i think i have a lot of untangling to do.

which is a good thing.

i feel like my laces of my dancing shoes got all tangled
up and i haven't been able to dance with the universe.
i've been plunked on the floor, feet knotted together.

not anymore, buster.
well........i'm still plunked on the floor.
one foot's actually kinda sore.
but i'm untanglin' fast now.
and i'm massaging that foot of mine.

cause i have some dancing i really wanna do........

tea with the universe....

i grabbed my book on the way out the door.
'just in case.' i thought.

rarely do i do that.
she's usually there before i am, and if i wait,
it's just a few minutes.

but what the heck.
i grabbed it anyway.

interestingly enough, i forgot both my watch
and my cell phone.

i just love that part. because it ended up being
perfect.

i sat outside with a cup of warm tea, a jacket on
in the middle of august and read my book.

that in itself was heaven.

and i kept reading.

turns out she had overslept.

and i realized i was handed a gift.

i love her company. and she herself is a gift.

but today, perhaps what i most needed was this time
outside on a beautiful morning sitting with this book.

i read and read and read.

the tears came to my eyes over and over.

i feel like the author came and sat down with me and
looked right inside of me and said 'terri, terri,
terri, you've forgotten. let me help you remember.'

over and over she's reminding me of the real journey.
the real focus.

over and over she's reminding me of what it is i want
out of my life.

i can't remember ever being affected like this by a book
before. i can't remember ever needing a book like this
before.

i stayed sitting outside long after it was obvious
my friend wasn't going to make it. only leaving because
the reading was so intense to me and i didn't want to
sit at the table with tears running down my face.

i'd go home and finish the section in private.

i feel like someone came and held me today and stroked
my hair and whispered all the important things i've
forgotten into my ear.

and the gratitude for that is just overwhelming.

i underlined so much stuff, i'm not even sure what
to share here.

gonna pick two sentences i really loved.....

'the goal of life is spiritual empowerment - to learn
to use the power of our souls in acts of creation
guided by divine instruction.'

and....

'this is the test of this journey of life: how much
truth can you absorb on this journey of illusion while
still living within the illusion?'

my friend called when i got home to apologize.

i told her what a gift it ended up being. that i would
have just kept working if i knew.....and how i felt
so guided thru the reading.

we caught up quickly, laughed, shared some love...
and then each turned to our day.

and this morning's tea break is one of the best i've
ever had...

cause i think i just had tea with the universe...

more good stuff.....

alright, what can i say?
when i get a book i like, i share!

i'm so excited about this book, that's it's gonna
be hard to do what i'm 'sposed to be doing today
and not sit and read this next part in it.

she's about to introduce the 'seven graces.'

if i really knew/understood that yet, i'd explain it.
'grace is a subtle force that is beyond the grasp
of reason.'

and at this point, that's all i got.

but she's about to lead me into the good stuff inside
all of us that we can get in tune with.

i am so all for that!

'you rely on your senses to CONTROL your external world,
whereas the power of your graces works to TRANSFORM
your world.'

and then this......i laughed when i read this......

'perfection should never be the goal; practice is.'

yeah, yeah. great.
practice, practice, practice.

and finally, this from the book i offer anyone goin'
thru their own journey who needs encouragement:

'the empowerment journey that is critical to your healing-
and to your life-comes from progressing through the deep
waters of your dark passions and continuing onward to
discover NOT WHAT HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM YOU,
BUT WHAT YOU HAVE YET TO GIVE AND
WHO YOU HAVE YET TO BECOME.'

ohhhhh man.

good good stuff, don't ya think???

raisin' the bar

i guess i'm just a mini meltdown kinda gal.

or at least, i am when i have this many family
issues swirling around me that don't look like
they're gonna stop any time soon.

if you want to unravel me, throw some family issues
my way.

so after yet another mini-meltdown last nite,
i grabbed my new book, defy gravity. (by caroline myss)

i do believe this may be one of my all time favorite
books. i'm only on page 74, so i'm not sure yet.
but if i had to vote so far, it would make it to the
top rankings.

i am loving this book.

i found a whole lotta wonderful things in it.
but there was one thing i read over and over last nite
about a thousand times......

'as attractive as inner empowerment or healing might seem,
making the choice to move from being ill or in crisis
(as in mini-meltdowns)
to being on the path to personal transformation requires
courage, because it RAISES THE BAR ON THE QUALITY OF YOUR
PERSONAL CHOICES FROM THAT POINT ONWARD.'

i read that over and over. out loud. silently.

and that raises the bar part caught my attention big time.

i think what i do is raise the bar, settle in, get sloppy,
things unravel, i get discontented, and then i work on
raising the bar again.

i would guess that's my pattern.

things have definitely gotten sloppy.
things have definitely been unraveling.
i have definitely been discontented.

and now, i see i have work to do.

i woke up super early yet again this morning.
yet again thinking about my life.

just handle things one at a time, ter.
as they come at ya, face them, deal with them,
and set that bar where you want it.

it's up to you.

that's my plan...........

and now, instead of sittin' here kinda cowering about
what's coming next, i'm feelin' that gleam in my eye.

bring it on, baby.
i'm ready for you.

hangin' on to you....

i have a bone sigh that says 'don't let them take
away who you are.'

i like that one.

in talking to a friend yesterday, i believe i said
that straight to her.

sometimes there's so many people tryin' to help us out with their way
of doin' things, that they they don't realize they're trying to
take away who we are.

don't let them do that, ya know?

sometimes they really suck and are trying to do it on
purpose, and sometimes they are really wonderful and
only tryin' to help.

but real help is seein' who we are....
seein' what it is we are offering........ourselves.

and not tryin' to change that....
but tryin' to encourage that.

whether good intent or bad is behind it....the results
are devastating if we let that happen.

we gotta step back, breathe, remember who we are,
and hang on to that......

and if it means moving to a more healthy spot and leaving
them behind.....then that's what it means.

don't let them take away who you are.

a beautiful sentence....

so i woke up way too early....

there i was, just layin' in bed thinkin' about life
and meaning and where the heck i was goin'.

i saw myself laying there and thought....jeesh, girl....
why don't you just sleep???

but i rolled over, turned the light on and pulled out
my book.......

i found this beautiful sentence........

'things of this earth become problems and burdens only
when you believe they have more power than your soul
and your destiny.'

woe.

woe.

not bad, huh????

really cool words...

i do like words.
i like the sound of words, i love to hear new words
and new names and i love to repeat them over and over
and listen to how they sound.

i get a lotta opportunity for this when i sit and listen
to bob and the guys talk.

first of all, they talk guy stuff.
i always smile when they say 'torque' cause i love that
word and i never can think of any reason to say it.
and they actually say it a lot.

it's a great word.
and i'd really like some opportunity to use it and mean it.
and have no one know that i've never said it in a real
life sentence before. i mean, i'd want to sound smooooooth
with it, ya know? like they do.

last nite, a whole buncha things i never heard of came
up in conversation. bob had something goin' on with work
and in his telling us about it, a whole buncha really cool
words came out.

my complete and total favorite - well, besides the name
thule, greenland
was zulu time.

zulu time??????????

z-time.

z-time??????

apparently greenwich mean time is also called zulu time???
no one knew why when i asked......

say it out loud......ZULU TIME.........

but they go by z-time.
of course.
is that cool or what???

z-time.

and then there's the whole figurin' out what time that means.
i'm still workin' on that.

but apparently, if you work with people around the world,
you talk in z-time.

did you guys know this???

i soooo want to talk in z time.

so i told the guys.....'hey!we can set up our business meetings
in zulu time!!'

i personally like zulu more than z.
but you know, they both really have their place.
so i want to use both.

i sat on the couch repeating cool words and intrigued with the
way 'zulu time' makes your mouth feel exotic.

i have trouble retaining what 'torque' is let alone throwin'
it in the conversation. i never even realized there WAS a
thule, greenland.....there's so so so much cool conversation
out there and i just don't talk that way.

i commented on this to the guys.

yeah, the guys agreed, but they looked at me and said
'none of us say we want to be a prayer.'

oh yeah, i said.

oh yeah.

that's cool talk too.

maybe we can all travel to thule, greenland on zulu time and
be a prayer....maybe all that energy would torque the earth
or something.......

i so love words....

one heck of a paragraph

it was one of those odd flukes that
brought me to this book -
'defy gravity' by caroline myss.

i knew it and went with it.
curious.
i'm not very far into it, but quite excited
about it.

i read the most beautiful paragraph in it
and wanted to share.......

'consider that we are living at a major turning point
in the history of humanity, a time of great crisis and
great opportunity. it may be unreasonable to imagine
that you can make a difference to a world in crisis
based on how you undertake your own healing, yet i
believe this to be true. it makes no sense to our logical
minds that as we heal, the whole of life heals. yet the
power of one mustard seed can move a mountain; the power
of one clear light does illuminate the darkness; the power
of a person devoted to truth becomes a channel for healing
grace that benefits all humanity. no matter what you heal
within yourself, from a negative thought to a progressive
cancer, the very act of healing has in some way made a
difference to everyone on the planet. it is a truth that
goes beyond the bounds of ordinary reason, but so does all
mystical truth, and that is why such truth has the power
to heal.'

smilin'......

i just posted some goofy vid clip on josh's face book page.

i was lookin' for a different one. one we quote all the time.
couldn't find it....so snagged one where the three brothers
as grown men are visiting their mom's grave. with one of the
brothers' sons.

i watched and laughed and thought of my sons......
and how different they all are from each other.

i'm appreciating them this morning.
i sat and thought 'there's nothing like family.'
then had to laugh.

i'm not close to my family. the one i was raised with.
but the one i raised, i couldn't be closer.
so i see both angles. both sides.
and i think maybe i value our closeness that much more
because i have a little extra insight in how precious it is.

made me think about the idea of creating the life you want.

it may not be handed to you......so you gotta create it.

that's something to think about every day.....

in between those thoughts, how about a clip to make you laugh....

testosterone too

i think there's a little bit of everything
swirling inside me these days.

you name it, i think it's in there right now.

and what surprises me is that i keep getting
surprised at that.

i opted for just listenin' to music as i did
the treadmill today. just didn't want to think.
i'll just move to music, i thought.

and what surprised me was the angry/rage kinda
music i went for.

i popped it on and there was a relief very similar
to the relief i had yesterday after a good cry.

there's so many parts of me right now that want
some sort of release.

as i was headin' up for a shower, i stopped at
the cd pile. found a cd the guys had made to
put on when they played basketball.

i knew, cause it was titled 'basketball music.'

i grinned.

i knew this was testosterone filled stuff.

i grabbed it and took it in with me.
turned it up loud and showered.

it felt soooooooooooooo good.

i stayed in extra long just so i could stay with
the music.

i thought of the whole range lately.....
the kids music that played with my soul....
mary poppins later today....the prayer music that
i soaked up like a sponge....and now the rage...

everything's in me right now.
and each part wants an expression.

sometimes i wonder why it takes me so long to
see this stuff. wouldn't you think i'd know by now??

each part is valid.
each part needs to be seen.
each part needs a release.

where is the safe spot for all that?
if no where else, we have to give it to ourselves......
we really really do.

it's not anyone else's job to do that for me.
but it most certainly is my deal to do that for me.

i want to pay attention right now.....
and give that to me.

bert

my girlfriend looked across the table at me
with the most sincere eyes and asked
'will you watch mary poppins with me?'

i laughed.
of course!

so we've rounded up our other pal who happens
to have a daughter turning FOURTEEN today and
another daughter and asked if they wanted to
make it a celebration/mary poppins event!

i figured the girls might ditch us....but they
agreed!

i was thinking about bert this morning.

i admit it, i'm in love with that man.

and i thought of how he sees the magic in everything.

yes, yes, i know.
he's a fictional character.

grin.
i REALLY do know that.....
but i'm still in love with him.

and the idea of the magic this morning....well, it really
appeals.

gentleness and a quiet understanding that the magic is
right here.

somehow, that's exactly what i want today.

a good cry

so there's a lotta stuff goin' on around me.
i know that.
and i just kinda tried to brace myself.

and then there was some stuff goin' on directly
with me.

okay.
not so braced.

still thinking i had a handle on things, i kept on.

then i saw i really didn't.
have a handle.

and i was tempted to fall apart.

but nope.

wasn't gonna.

was gonna hold it all together.

tried all day to do just that.

avoided talkin' about stuff with anyone where i'd cry.

and then i walked by noah.

he was reading in the living room.

'how ya doin'?' he asked.

i nodded, said fine and then scooted in the bathroom
so i could kinda not cry. just to get a grip.

walkin' out, he pointed to the couch for me to sit.

i shook my head.

'nah, i'll just cry' i said and kept on goin'.

he stopped me.

pointed to sit down.

i sat.

and i cried.

zakk heard the commotion and came up.
sat next to me.

arm around me.

we talked a bit.

and then decided it was time for a junk food run.

oh yeah.

as i was getting my shoes on to head out with noah,
i felt so much better.

crying.

i don't get it.

why do i stop myself from crying???
why do i think i'm stronger if i don't cry???

i NEED to cry.
sometimes it is such a good release.

i truly feel like i can handle the stuff now.

like it's not so overwhelming.

all because i cried.

well.......and because i have a home where i can cry.
and sons who allow it.
and junk food in my kitchen.

all may not be right with my world....
but i feel a whole whole lot better.

for single parents everywhere....

something just kinda landed on me and i wanted to share
as i know it includes some of you.

in the last few blogs, i've mentioned the long surgery...
and now ICU...
there will be a long recovery time to follow.

she's married, with a small child.

so we're not even talkin' single parent here.

and their support network is huge and strong.
and really really organized.

i just got the group email for the chart for everyone
to fill out of when they can help with the daycare drop offs
and pick ups and when they can help out on weekends.
the woman who made the chart will be doing all the cooking
and all the grocery shopping.

i read this and was amazed at the network.
people are good and kind and generous.

and then i thought of that goofy guy in my life.
how he raised his two sons with absolutely no help.
huge things goin' on to handle, and no one there to watch
the kids for a few hours so he could do laundry.
no one there to EVER take the kids. no one there to
give him that little break.

i helped him a little. but it was VERY little.
i was busy handlin' my own life and tryin' to do the
single parent thing too. luckily my sons were old enough
to actually help me do that!!

and then i thought of a single parent mom i know who does
the two job thing to make ends meet. and she's just barely
makin' it. and no, she has no help either.

and then i thought of another single mom i knew.
two small sons.......always exhausted, and always tryin' so
hard.

and another mom i know........and another.........

and i thought of how incredible all of these people are.
they didn't have family around. they didn't have a network
that set up any kinda regular help.

most of them got very very little help.

and i was thinking how they don't even realize what a strong
and amazing thing it is that they are doing/have done.

i know they have had deep longings for that kinda help.
and they just kept on goin'. because there was no choice.

i wanted to take a moment and bow down to your strength today.
what you guys have done is astounding.

i so wish you all had even 1/3 of this network i'm watching now.
but you've grown some mighty muscles...
and i think you're awesome for what it is you do.

a quiet thanksgiving

i slept bad.
a whole lot on my mind....whirlin' thru and keepin'
me awake.

this morning when i woke, my face was pushed into
the pillow, my arm stretched out across the bed.

i opened my eyes.
didn't move.

just opened my eyes.
felt my head.
saw my arm.
and immediately thought of her.

she's in ICU.
her surgery lasted 14 1/2 hours.

i can't even imagine.
14 1/2 hours.....
the surgical team had to work in shifts.

i lay still and just thought of how lucky i was.

the stuff on my mind is heavy on my heart.
the kinda thing that would normally depress me.

i rolled over thinking about what we do to save our lives.

what our lives mean to us.

if that's the case, i thought as i got up, then i ought
to pay attention to that.

the house was cooler.
it's raining. cooled down.
i noticed it and breathed it in.

melting in the shower, i decided to pay attention to
gratitude today.

it's too easy to dwell on things that are bothering me.

not today.

somehow i can't while she's in ICU.

i just can't.

wrapping myself up in my new soft fluffy towel that a
friend gave me, i noticed how soft it was.

it felt soooooooo good.

she had sent it to me cause she loves me.
and it felt like it.

i don't remember ever using a softer more wonderful towel.

putting on my softest clothes, i felt them.

it's a day for gentleness, quiet, and gratitude.

walking out in the rain to put the mail out, i soaked in
the gentleness of the drops.

felt the warm smoothness of the street on my bare feet....

i'm not in ICU.
my bad night's sleep woulda been a picnic for her.

i do love my life.
and it is worth fighting for.

i'm gonna hold that again today.
in a quiet thanksgiving....

she's on my mind today...

today's the day she has a horrendous operation.
she's in there right now, as a matter of fact.
will be in at LEAST ten hours...
it's something that none of us would want to have
happen to us.
and there she is.

and she's on my mind big time.
with everything i do.

as i biked i thought of her.

when i came home and did my little exercises,
i flopped back on the floor and thought
'what the heck is it all about??'
that thought runs thru me a lot.
and i thought of her.
what would she say today in answer to that question?

and then as i was on the treadmill, i got to thinking
of the fight we put up to stay alive.

she's fighting as hard as she can.

and i got to wondering why exactly do we do that.

is it cause life is the known and familiar?
is it cause whatever happens after this life is unknown
and that's just too scary?
or is it cause our lives are so amazing and we just don't
want to give them up?

and if that's the reason.....do we act like it?
do i act like it?

if i was where she was right now, what would i be fighting
for?

what baggage/garbage/trivial gunk would i see clearly for
what it is and be eager to drop? what things would i know
were so precious and so tremendous that they would make me
do anything to stay alive?

am i clear on all that?
if so, why get stuck in the trivial still?
if my life is so darn fantastic that i'd do anything to
stay alive...where's the actions behind that belief?

i have some, to be sure.
some of my actions totally back that up.

but don't we all lose focus?
don't we all forget/take for granted/get sidetracked?

and yeah, i know......that's human.

but the degree of that is our choice.

she's got me thinking today.
she's on my mind today.
and in my heart.

good stuff.......

and so i thought i'd treat myself with my love book and find
all the answers i was looking for. yeah...well......at least try.

only one problem.
it's a dry book. and the section i was in was not exciting me
at all.

i need a little bit easier/lighter.
and i smiled as i grabbed 'tuesdays with morrie'....
hardly a light story.
but so much easier to read.

i just needed to feel the presence of morrie that runs thru
that book.

and then i hit the part where he's tellin' mitch about 'detaching.'

something i have only kinda grasped.
i get confused as mitch did......
when he asked morrie......."aren't you always talking about
experiencing life?...well, how can you do that if you're detached?"

and morrie goes on to explain to him that the way to really detach means
to let the emotions penetrate you fully.
'that's how you are able to leave it.'

mitch joins me in my confusion and says 'i'm lost.'

and morrie goes on....

'but by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself
to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them
fully and completely. you know what pain is. you know what love is.
you know what grief is. and only then cay you say, 'all right, i have
experienced that emotion. i recognize that emotion. now i need to
detach from that emotion for a moment.'

and something i so loved.....

'i know you think this is just about dying, but it's like i keep
telling you. when you learn how to die, you learn how to live.'

mitch goes on to describe morrie....

'morrie's approach was...... turn on the faucet.
wash yourself with the emotion. it won't hurt you. it will only
help. if you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar
shirt, then you can say to yourself, 'all right, it's just fear, i
don't have to let it control me. i see it for what it is.'

and THAT felt good to read tonite........

fuzzy headedness

okay, not sure this will make sense as i'm not sure i 'have' it yet...
but it STILL feels like a bit of an 'aha'!

so i'm thinking about this idea mentioned in the blog below....
about having to love 'your neighbor' (or whoever the heck is really
buggin' you big time) before you can know love.

and i'm thinking about what i figured out on the tread mill that
i also mentioned below...that it's not about whoever the heck is
really buggin' me big time...that that REALLY isn't who it's about.

that if i REALLY saw myself, and understood my beauty and my mystery
and the goodness that i am, than that other person really wouldn't
be buggin' me in the first place.

so i've been kinda lettin' this all whirl inside me today.

and so i opted for an early shower tonite.
and as i was steppin' into the water, a thought ran thru me.

if that's the case....that the reason the person is buggin' you is cause
you really don't have a grasp on your own beauty...then you have to
find THAT first. a deep deep grasp of that.

and that, of course, is SELF love.

and you can't find that beauty inside you without it, cause it's
the same thing.

so it all wraps right back around to SELF LOVE!!!

if you have self love, you don't have to have all the negative stuff
about that darn neighbor of yours or whoever's buggin' you....you
don't need to dwell there. because you don't get shaken up like you
do when your self love is flyin' all over the place.

and THAT'S why you can't know love til you know love for your neighbor
cause you can't know love for your neighbor without the self love.

one big ol' huge circle!!!

okay...DID that make ANY sense?!

laughin' with glee here...........cause i think this is good stuff.
altho, my head is soooo fuzzy with it all.

but thought i'd throw it out there anyway and fuzz your heads a bit.

i like to share fuzzy headedness.......

hurricanes inside

there's a hurricane inside of me right now.

blowin' all thru my veins and my limbs and my heart
and my mind...

shakin' me hard in one spot, pouring rain in another.

and i know deep down in my gut
it's gotta blow and do its thing.

i know deep down that if i can let it happen,
it'll take me to the next layer that i need to go to.

i know that.

i'm still scared.

this morning i put my head in my hands and thru my tears,
said out loud 'this is hard. this is so so hard.'

sometimes i think gettin' to the next layer can happen so
quietly you don't even know you got there, until one day
you notice something's different with you.
and you stop and you start to check certain things out inside
and you say 'oh my gosh, I GREW!'

i like those moments.

this is NOT one of those.

what's cool tho, is i really do know it's growin' pains goin'
on. goin' on so wild that it's a growin' hurricane.

i read in that darn love book something about if you can't learn
to love 'your neighbor' you can't learn to love.
i've kinda blocked it cause it really wasn't something i wanted
to see.

but i didn't block it enough. it sunk in. and added to the winds
roarin' inside of me.

and then this morning one of those 'neighbors' that i had to learn
to love hopped inside the whirlwind.

if you want to get where you're goin, ter.......
then you gotta stop makin' this guy a bad guy.
cause he's not.

my entire body resisted.

i wonder why?
i wonder what the fear is?
if he's not the bad guy and everyone just 'is,' what does that do
that scares me???

whatever it does, i knew i had to go to letting go of the hard
feelings. i had to start workin' on that.

(and no, everyone, i am NOT talkin' about my ex husband!
grinnin' and laughin' here.....don't even go there!)

and so i hopped on that treadmill and started the work.
figurin' i'll just keep workin' on it for as long as i have to.

and as i worked on it, i kept tryin' to focus on him and understand him.

and then something kinda happened.

without even tryin'......

i started focusin' on me. and understanding me.

me.

not him.

oh yeah. of course.

it's not about HIM.

it's not.

he's just the easy place to put it.
hmmmm.....
the fall guy kinda.

it's not about him.

it's so not.

and so i started thinking more and more of me.
and spontaneously, out of nowhere came this line of a song.....
and i started singing it out loud on the treadmill....
'you come from the stars....remember who you are....'

i started singing that and picturin' the stars in the hurricane
inside of me.

oh yeah, they were spinning.
but they weren't goin' anywhere.

the wind and the rain will die down.
but the stars will keep on shining.........

there's a hurricane inside of me right now.

blowin' all thru my veins and my limbs and my heart
and my mind...

shakin' me hard in one spot, pouring rain in another.
with stars that refuse to stop shining.......no matter what.

it WILL take me somewhere......
i'm gonna let it.

a tune up

'the art of loving' is a book that made a great impression on me.

i've been meanin' to read it again.
ya see, i REALLY think there's way more to love than most of us
realize. i REALLY do.

loving someone else, loving ourselves, and being love.

and lately i've been feelin' that a lot.

so i pulled that book right off the shelf this morning
looking for a really good tidbit to chew on.

i found a gazillion. and oddly enough, would lose them just as fast
as i found them.
so i ended up really taking some time browsing thru the book.
my gosh. i'm gonna read this again.

but here's what i picked out to share this morning....
he's talking of giving. first material possessions, and then
giving of oneself.


'he gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life.
this does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other -
but that he give him of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy,
of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of
his sadness - of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive
in him. in thus giving of his life, he enriches the other person, he
enhances the other's sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of
aliveness. he does not give in order to receive; giving is in itself
exquisite joy. but in giving he cannot help bringing something to life
in the other person, and this which is brought to life reflects back
to him; in truly giving, he cannot help receiving that which is given
back to him. giving implies to make the other person a giver also and
they both share in the joy of what they have brought to life. in the act
of giving something is born, and both persons involved are grateful for
the life that is born for both of them. specifically with regard to love
this means: love is a power which produces love; impotence is the
inability to produce love.'
~~~~~~~

this hit really good this morning.

i've been thinking of how often i give to get.
yeah.....even when i think i'm not.

there's something i did recently that i was sure i did just to give.
if you had asked, i would have answered with certainty that this was
completely for giving's sake.

and then....judging from the reaction i had to the whole deal after the
fact, i realized i truly was looking for something.

i was bummed.
not so much cause i didn't get what i wanted....
but because it's so hard to be honest with myself.
i can THINK i'm doing something for one reason, and not even realize
i'm kidding myself.

how do you stop doin' that????

in thinking of all this, and reading this above quote,
i see that i'm doin' that a lot more than i realize -
giving to get.

gotta do some real soul searchin' here........

somewhere in the book he also mentioned being aware of yourself
as you are a fine tuned machine.

this would be one of those things in this fine tuned machine that's
veered a bit off course.....

hmmmmm........gonna pull into the garage for a little tune up.

a car full of joy!

okay.
so i already know i have an 'inner child' part of me that
is very strong inside.

but um.......just maybe HOW strong came out a bit on my drive
outta town and back.

i had prepared for the possible solo trip with gathering a ton
of music. which included one cd full of kids music i used to
listen to when the guys were little. i gathered my favorite
songs which were goofy and full of fun.

headin' down, i popped that baby on.....
drivin' down the highway i cranked it up and sang these goofy
kids songs at the top of my lungs.

i'm seriously a really lousy singer.
i keep tryin' to find that hidden voice of mine....
but so far it's staying hidden.

but it just didn't matter! it was just me....and i was belting it out!

one song i backtracked three times and sang over and over.
i was filled with joy.
my whole face felt like on big singing smile.

my body was filled with delight.
my car was rockin' with inner child playfulness and complete
glee.

headin' back home after a really sad, hard trip, i popped that
cd right back in the player.

and i drove up the highway towards home doin' it all over again.

i saw how much joy it brought me.

i mean, i couldn't miss it.

it brought me a TON of joy.

so much joy, it was a little odd.

i thought about this part of me that is so darn strong inside
myself.

how i really could let so much more of it out.

how maybe i should......

the nite i got home, i tried to tell bob about it.
kinda like it was news.

um....bob........there's something i want to tell you.......

he waited......

i started talkin' about this kid part of me like it was news.

he waited.....

i tried to express it more clearly.

he waited........

he knew.

so then, later.......i tried to tell my sons.
they stood there nodding.
i tried to explain it so they'd understand more.

they nodded.

everyone knew.
they already knew.

i mean, i knew.
kinda.
but not like this.

but they knew.

i think i'm lucky beyond lucky.
i think that part of me can lead me places.

i really do.

i don't know how. or why.
but i think it can.

joy, glee, silliness, delight, imagination....
what an incredible gift to have this part of me that's
filled with that.

and i'm kinda thinking we all have it.
i'm kinda thinking we're all lucky beyond lucky.

and maybe we all need a road trip with our inner child.
could be way way cool.

where the heck are your roots??

one of the things i've been thinking about is
where i want to live.

and no, i don't mean where in the country.
(altho, i think about that too!)

i mean where in my heart.

driving yesterday i was just really aware that there
are places that we 'dwell' in.

obvious places - negativity, optimism, gratitude, denial,
pettiness.....get the idea?

those kinda places.
and yes, i think we all dwell in all of them at times.

but it's where do i really want to have my roots?
where will my roots dwell??

i still haven't let go of the idea of being a 'living prayer.'
or 'being love.'

and i drove and thought about that.

i absolutely positively believe there is something to that.
that that is a place we can dwell in.

i have touched it.
touched moments of it.
i know it exists.

as i drove i thought about it.
why do you want to go 'there,' ter?

cause it's there, i thought.

i know it is.

and i really really want to shoot for it.
because it's sooooo much more than so many places
i dwell.

and yet.......how do you talk about this??
cause if you REALLY talk about it....there is NO there.

oh my.

it all just is.

yeah.
yeah.
i know.

but having a 'there' makes sense to me.
and gives me something to shoot for.

something that really made an impression on me is the idea
that we get so caught up in things that don't matter.
they just don't matter.

and that doing that - that right there is choosing to live in a land
of 'it really doesn't matter, but i'm gonna make it matter
anyway' land.

i want to work on that.
leave that place behind for good.
wouldn't that be awesome???

where are our roots of our hearts? where do we dwell???
how do we move those roots if we have to?
or how do we strengthen them???

i think it's all in what you really really really want.........

on the roof??

been meanin' to get over here all day and post a real blog.
a thoughtful, soulful blog.

but got swamped with work.
then got sidetracked playin'.

goofin' on a friend and laughin' like a kid and clappin'
and havin' such fun. (when, yes, i should be working)

wanted to show zakk what i made....

went up to his room where i thought he was.

no zakk.

and then......

i actually went outside and looked up on my ROOF for him!

which made me laugh even more.

i had to post that.

HOW many moms go out and look for the sons on the roof???

he wasn't there, by the way......

but i thought it was too funny not to share.

thoughtful post to follow sooner or later......

home again

my head, heart, and fingertips are filled to the brim
with stories, thoughts, and mulling...

they're so crammed in there, i think they'll be falling
out for months. right now, i don't even know where to start.
how do you start?

ah, that's easy..........with the gratitude.
of course.
if i could only remember to always start with the gratitude.

and that's the most evident for me in my homecoming.

the call on my way home.....'i'm halfway home!'

noah's repsonse 'i can't wait to see you!'

bob's check in call....workin' it out to stop by that
evening.....missing my turn because of that call!
getting home faster because i missed my turn...

pulling into the driveway with a 'piece of prayer' playin'
on the cd. loud. filling with the prayer as i stepped outta
my car that i love.

parking further back where i normally park because it's right
next to my studio, and i missed my studio.

noah hurryin' to let me in.
the hugs.
the lookin' at their faces.
huggin' zakk so long and him letting me.

josh comin' over for lunch and to catch up.
josh callin' after he left, me answering and him sayin' 'it's so
good to have you answer the phone again!'

stories leakin' out.
the guys listening.

laughing and singing and exuberance on my end.

the boys commenting i sounded like i had too much to drink.

'i'm drunk on happiness'i laughed. and kept goin'.

bob arriving with roses.

curlin' in and laughin' cause he had his 'listening face' on
and was trying hard.

josh walkin' in my front door again as bob and i were
discussing bone sigh business at the kitchen table.

eating a bagel for dinner as i was too tired to care,
and loving it.

slippin' into my bed at the end of the day, lookin' at my
curtains that were falling a little messy and loving them that
they weren't perfect.

knowing perfectionism isn't me, and relishing that.

huggin' my pillow tight as i heard zakk say goodnite to noah
down the hall....

smiling, knowing that i'd only been gone two days.
two days.
that's it.

and home never looked so good.......

waking up happy...

blogging my gratitude...

smilin' a big ol' smile...

changes

he had called me last week to check in.
when we talk we want to see how the other one is REALLY doin'.
so we did the heart check in.
i was afraid of some changes that day and told him so.

'you know the one thing that's constant about life?' he asked me.

'change.' i groaned.

'yep.' he said.

i thought of him this morning.
grinned at how totally unhelpful he was.
altho, i guess he was helpful.
i just didn't want to hear what he was sayin'.

changes. that's what life is full of.

was already on my mind this morning in a not so light kinda way.

and then i got the call.
we've been waiting for it.

her dad passed.

at this point, it's pretty much relief.
it's been a long long journey.

but i can't help but sit here and think 'changes.'
they just don't stop.

i'll be busy for the next few days with some of these changes
and some others...
i think i need to hunker down a bit and go way deep inside.

so i'll be takin' a few days break here....

there's a change for you!
grin.
terri's gonna be quiet!

in the meantime....may you hold peace in your heart....
and may you be open to all the changes comin' your way.

what a weekend...

it's gratitude weekend over here for me.
and i needed it.
i've been a little bit frustrated about the budgeting and such
lately, and while it hasn't 'gotten' me like it can...
it has clouded my eyes a bit on how lucky i really am.

a few days ago i had talked to my brother.
a perfectionist with an incredibly perfect house.
everything he owns is the best and in perfect shape.
everything i own isn't.

he asked me on the phone 'how you doin' with upkeep?'

my answer?

i snorted.

snorted and said 'upkeep??'

i got to thinking about my surroundings....i do try.
but there's only so much time. only so much money.
okay.
very little time.
very little money for that stuff.

hmmmmmm......
and my eyes got clouded again.

friday nite, josh made a comment at dinner that made me realize how much i really had. he told me stories of people losing everything they owned.
my eyes opened a bit,
and i reminded myself that i was indeed quite lucky.
my eyes got less cloudy.

saturday nite, i sat in this crowd of people who had stories not only written all over their faces...
they were written all over their bodies.

i knew there were some hard stories around me.
and i knew how lucky i was.
at one point, standing on the bleachers, i fell into bob's chest laughing
about some bet we made, and it was like i got wrapped in the lucky blanket.
i could feel how lucky i was.
and the clouds scattered a bit more.

and then this morning, i come down to a note from someone i love. i had sent her
a book of questions to ponder for her birthday. you know, just a million questions
to get conversations goin'.
she and her husband had hit the question 'if heaven had to look like the inside of one of your friend's houses, which friend would it be?'

she wrote to tell me her husband said mine.

mine.

this really really hit me as their house is perfect.
i mean......perfect.
they have no kids, and they're BOTH perfectionists.
i've stayed there and when i do, i get the whole downstairs to myself, i get
a whole bathroom to myself, the towels are so fluffy and soft and everything is so
clean it looks brand new. when i saw their kitchen sink, i remember standing there looking at it saying 'i didn't know sinks stayed that color.'

yeah.

i have one bathroom that you have to time to use.
the towels.....well, man, if you get my best towel, there's a little bit of fluff left in maybe one of 'em.
you get to sleep in my room while i sleep on a cot somewhere.
there's no AC....and well.....the kitchen sink isn't the same color as when we
got it.

and they've stayed here. they know this!!!
she said 'to us, your house represents comfort, ease, acceptance, love,
relaxation, whimsy and fun.'

that was it.
all the clouds lifted.
they all just lifted with that.

i'm looking forward to goin' back into my work week with cloud free eyes,
remembering how much i do have, remembering how lucky i really am, and
remembering that it's not about the money, it's about what i can offer....

what a weekend....

VROOOOOOOMMMMM VROOOOOOOOMMMMM

okay, i admit it...
while i want to be a good sport, there are times it takes
me awhile to get there.

i was the one who instigated the 'jet wars.'
i was the one who said 'i'm goin', if you want to go you can
join me.'
i was the one who said 'if we have to go outta town, we're gonna
miss the jet wars. i sure hope we don't miss them.'

you see, i know he loves this stuff. he loves the cars, and the
noise, and the smell of the engines.

and so there we were, bob, josh and me....jet wars 2010.
(and yes, noah and zakk bailed on this! which gives you a hint
of how much of a sport i really am.)

but ohmygoodness....i forget the culture shock i go thru every
year.

it's really indescribable. a combination of redneck and gangster
feel. i stand there and feel like the gentlest thing for miles
around. bob said i needed a tattoo that said 'gentle' on it.

i sit on the bleachers and look at the people. the women. i soak
up their energy, think of their stories, and i get kinda lost in
it all.

so...okay...it took me a bit to get in the groove.
josh said i looked traumatized.
bob said i looked terrified.

i told them i was just saving my energy for the second half when
the real racing began.

and indeed, true to my word...i woke up.
bob went off to make a phone call.
i asked josh 'do i really look that bad??'
'um, yeah, you do.' he said.
i laughed.

'well, okay, time to change that.'

perfect timing.
the snorty cars were up.
i actually do like these things.
they're the nitrous cars....they snort steamy lookin'
stuff. they look like bulls kinda. and they go real fast.

bob returned right around then.
'bob! you're here! good deal! i was afraid you'd miss these
guys! it's time to bet ol' man, get out your money!'

he grinned.

'let's do quarters.' i say.

'you can't do quarters.' he replies. 'you can't.'

'i'm budgeting. i CAN do quarters.'

'no you can't. gotta be dollars.'

'i only have a twenty.'

'i've got change.' he says his eyes gleaming as he
pulls out his ones.

oh my gosh, i'm dating a shark.

and the betting began.
and the laughing. and the goofin'.
a car pulled up without anyone competing against him.
'five dollars on him!' i shout!
bob looks at me like i've lost my mind.
i keep it up.
'you chicken??'
he grabs my neck and wrestles my head down.

we are now in the groove.

bob yawns on one side of me. josh yawns on the other.
'what's the matter with you people?? you shoulda saved up
your energy like me from the first half. it's early! we've
only just begun!' and i laugh.

the groove is gettin' really fun.

'oh man. whatta run!' bob says about some car that went by.
'wow! what an amazing run!' josh chimes in. and luckily i heard
josh say 'he made the same time.' bob didn't hear that, but i did.
so i chime in 'MAN, WHAT A RUN!'

okay.
bob's gonna challenge some of this groove of mine.
'so, okay, st. cloud. WHY was that such a good run?!'

ha.
without missing a beat i smirk and say 'he made the same time.'

bob's lost.
how'd i know that???

i just grin. and tell him not to underestimate me.
and move on to the next car who was also not competing against
anyone. 'FIVE DOLLARS ON HIM!' i announce.....

when i climbed into bed i was beat. just beat.
and i still had some lingering culture shock. thinking of some of
the lives some of the people lived i had seen that nite.
i saw a lotta pain around me. it's everywhere. stories. stories.
everywhere.
but i also thought of my own life.
and i felt soooooo incredibly lucky.

i went to sleep with the sound of roaring engines in my brain....
and a smile on my face.

mister sunbeam comes to call....

my house is set up weird.
which actually works great for me as there's this room
kinda stuck on the back that's my studio.
used to be i didn't get disturbed back here at all.
you could knock on the front door, and if i was busy,
had a fan on, or music, or the door closed, i would
never even know. which happened a lot.

but somewhere along the line, everyone figured out where
i was and now they just come right around back.

it can be a little unnerving.
all of a sudden there's someone staring in at me.
i'll be lost in thought and bam.....there's someone right there.
i've even had someones i don't even know show up there.
i've had straggly someones at times.

it does unnerve me so i try to keep an ear out for footsteps
and such.

sitting here, i thought i heard someone. i looked up to see who was
there and i saw this glorious, bright, shining sun beam spot.
a spot on the ground just a bit from the door where the sun was
shooting a real bright thing of light.

thing is....it's an overcast morning.

i didn't realize that at first.
i just saw it, laughed cause that's what i saw instead of someone
standing there, and joked with myself the the sun came by for a visit.

then a few minutes later, i realized it was gray and overcast out there.
it has been ever since i got up. there is no sun.
looked again. sunbeam was gone........

hmmmmmmmm...........

i love stuff like that.

colors

got in a walk this morning.
went up to my goodmorningworld spot.
hadn't walked there in a long time.
felt good.

as i walked i thought of something a friend wrote
yesterday. she was talkin' of the gray in life as
opposed to everything being black and white.

i remember when i used to think in black and white.
my gosh, it was a lot easier in a way.
grinnin' tho as we all know it's a lot more confining.
so yeah, i'm good with gray. mostly.

then thought about how somewhere along the line i bumped
into the idea of the opposites. that it seemed like things
of depth held the opposites in them. it wasn't that it was
black and white, wasn't gray....it held this thing here and
it also holds the opposite of this thing. it's the thing
of opposites.

somehow that tickles me.

as i walked i heard little terri holler out 'maybe it's
red and orange!'

i smiled.....

'or maybe it's all the colors mixed up together.'

and somehow all this color stuff brought me back to that
'what the heck is it all??'

a mellow desperation filled me.

didn't know desperation could be mellow.

whatever it is, ter, you know there's only one way for you
to step...with love.

and i remembered a bone sigh i once wrote -

it was in their opposites that they
traveled the same direction.
he walked the white.
she the black.
twisting and turning into each other’s realms.
stretching their hearts past single colors
into the place of all.

she followed

i'm not even sure how to explain this,
i haven't thought it thru enough to understand
it, let alone put it in words...and yet, i think
it's important and i want to bop it out there while
it's inside of me.

a friend wrote and said she's been readin' the blog
and isn't quite sure what's up with me. i had to
laugh. that's cause there's difficult things happening
at every angle around me. luckily they're not MY
difficult things. but they are all affecting me somewhat.
and one day i'll be referring to one, another day another.
and not much of it makes any sense cause they're all
difficult, confusing things.

but there's something that's present in all of the
stories......my inner child. she's a constant. and each
story touches in on that part of me. that part of me is
gettin' everything from nudged to ambushed.

and something happened yesterday that felt big.

somewhere along the line i have come to feel that it's
my job to protect that part of me. to protect my inner child.
i feel like i dropped the ball for a long long time,
and i almost want to 'prove' to that part of me that
i'll take care of that part.

and somewhere in my mind, i guess i figured that meant
hiding her when needed, standing in front of her to block
things when necessary, holding her at moments, checkin' in
and feelin' the feelings as much as i can.

never once did it occur to me that there would come a
time when i would have to grab her by the hand/arm and
pull her forward.

i never even thought about that kinda thing.

and there i was.

even i don't know what i mean when i talk about her.
i don't know how to talk about this so it makes sense.

but somehow i saw yesterday that there's a part of me
that stands firmly in the belief that to take care of
myself, i must hide.

tread carefully with me here, i'm in total agreement
that there's times for that. there really are.

but not as many times as i feel the urge.

and....there are times that's exactly the wrong thing to
do.

i have been trying to step further and further into love.
and you can't hide and do that.

yesterday, there was a tug-o-war goin' on.
and i knew without a doubt, i needed to drag that part of
me forward.

it was new to me.
usually i convince all of myself and go from there.

this was different.

this was an actual pulling part of me along.

and i knew it was right.
i knew it was important.
and it felt kinda drastic.

i closed my eyes, saw her, and told her 'if we're ever
ever ever gonna get there, girl, we gotta do this.'

and we did it.

we did.

no one on the outside could tell what was goin' on.
no one on the outside could even tell i was happy about
what i had done.

cause sometimes some things are so deep only you know.

what i think tho, is these victories will show up on the
outside. they will show up in my actions, and words and
belief in myself, and in my eyes somewhere.

i'm pretty sure of that.

right now, i'm feelin' that victory floatin' around in
my veins.....

we did it.
that little girl and i.
i pulled, yeah...i pulled....
and she....she didn't run away....she followed.

and we keep on goin'.....

soul ripping stuff

this is the only piece of opera i really 'know.'
i bought a 'puccini for pasta' cd one day in
hopes of making a romantic evening way back
in married days....

this was the first song on the list. it was THE
song as far as i was concerned.

noah snagged it for his collection and was playing
it in the other room.

i was trying to work....but my heart kept
bein' pulled out the door to that music.....

i found it on youtube to share.......

it truly makes me lay flat on the floor.
which is what i'm gonna do as i go listen again.

wanted to share.

it rips my soul out.
in a good way.

my world

apparently the snit fit wore me out.
i overslept this morning.
didn't mean to, and hopped outta bed realizing
i had missed the bike ride. noah was already onto
other things...'that's okay, you REALLY needed the
sleep,' he said.

yeah. i guess i did.

i sat on the porch with a cup of water sayin' good morning
to the world and trying to figure out where i was inside.

much more peaceful.
truly, hackin' the yard last nite did some good therapy on
me. i felt much more calm. and the depth of the swirling
wasn't nearly as deep.

it's a process, i thought.
i have to just kinda let it all do its thing.
sigh.

the 'yard waste' guys pulled up.
once a week they come to take any yard clippings away.
i had my stuff waiting for them. sat and watched them pull up.
i waved, said hello and hollered a thanks when they were done.
they hollered back.

and it felt so good. it really did.
huh?
what was that about? it really felt good. how come?

'cause they're MY yard waste guys,' i thought.

huh???

yeah, they were mine. part of MY life. part of MY world.
part of what i knew and what was steady.

i wanted my world today. i wanted to be in it. i wanted
to know it was there.

i looked at the yard and the garden.
i wasn't seein' a mess i had to do better with, and all
the weeding i had to do.....i saw MY yard and garden.
i saw a place i love.

i looked at the ants crawlin' around. those are MY ants,
i said. and smiled.

that's MY driveway. MY house.

my world.

a place where i could be totally me.
where i wasn't judged or scolded or frustrating anyone.
a place that didn't just understand me....it was part of me.

my world.

the voices of those guys made me realize that i so needed
my world today.

and it was different than yesterday.
yesterday i hid in here and tried to find comfort, but wasn't
connected at all to it.

this morning.....it was mine and part of me....
and i reveled in it.

i think that that really really deep stuff got mucked up inside
of me. it got pulled up and whoosed all around inside. like mud
messin' up the waters.

and the self doubt came floodin' in.
so deep.

looking around at my world, i remembered who i was.
i heard my voice sayin' hello to those guys.

i remembered.
and i knew.

and i relaxed into it.

looking at my life and my world.......i sat with it gratefully.

someone once told me i had built a life of love.

i don't want to doubt that.
i don't.

and doubting me is doubting that......
i walked back into my house, stood and looked at my
living room.

i don't have a darn thing that's worth anything money wise...
but every single thing has a story and a memory.
and i smiled.

my world.
it's holding me today.
and i'm holding it.

and that feels good.....

a living snit fit

ya know, there's times when the frustration level
just gets too high.

i had no desire to be a living prayer.
i wanted to be a living snit fit.

and so i was.

i headed out to my yard with snippers in hand.
i was swarmed by mosquitoes.
this usually sends me runnin' inside.

not tonite, man.
it's the skeeters who quaked.

i chopped and swatted, and snipped and
growled at the universe.

i sweated, and swatted, and grumbled, and
came close to swearing.

grin. for me, that's big.
i rarely swear.
but i was close......

forget the living prayer tonite.
i'm a living snit fit.

and you know what???
it feels good.
now a cold shower and somehow i know
i'm gonna come out of it feelin' like
this whole snit fit was a prayer.

there's a lot here for me to figure out.
or not.

safety zones

safety nets.

sometimes you really need 'em.

and sometimes other people can't throw 'em for
you. they may want to...
but sometimes you gotta throw them for yourself.

and that's a good thing.
cause it makes you step up and take care of
yourself.

and there's power in there.

today is a safety net day for me.
i'm tossin' it down....

thing is......you gotta do more than toss it down.
you gotta trust it's what you need and fall into it.

and then........wrap yourself into a soft layer of
comfort zone stuff.

that's my plan today.
and it feels like a good one......

trusting again.......

nervous energy this morning.
knowing it would be prudent to have a few
things taken care of first thing this morning
in case the day fell apart later.

great.
nothing like preparing for the day to fall apart.

i planned on hoppin' on my bike and goin' as fast
as i could to kinda get all my exercise in at once.
wasn't til i was runnin' thru my house with my
shoes on to grab my bike that i realized it was
raining.

opps.
i stopped mid stride.
noah had figured this out too.
he was headin' back to bed.

i headed out for a fast walk instead.
as i walked i felt the energy. it was movin' me
along at a pretty good speed.

this doesn't really feel like bein' a prayer, ter.
this feels more like bein' a spastic nut case.

yeah.
yeah.
as i kept movin' along, i felt the agitation.
okay.
if you're serious about this living prayer stuff...
if you really want to come from a place of light....
let's look at this.....

and the looking and questioning lasted thru the walk
and into a quick round of exercise in my room.

there are key players in my life that send me into
spin cycle. these players are only 'key' because of
the affect they have on my life. i rarely see any of
these players that send me in this direction. but still,
it happens.

this key player holds alotta weight as he affects my
life with what he does. waves from his actions can
wash into my life and cause a lot of havoc. hence the
nervousness.

actually, he holds a lotta weight cause i give him the
weight.

i know that.
i really do.

i give him the weight cause of past experiences.

past experiences can make me pretty nervous of the present.

silly girl.

i haven't figured out how exactly to be a living prayer.
even tho i'd agree with anyone who tells me we all are already
without even trying.

i'd agree with that.....and then go try to figure out how to
be one.

cause i'm goofy and thick headed like that.

i decided again today that i wasn't gonna figure out how to
do it(be a prayer), so i oughta just go ahead and do it without
knowing what i was doing.
believe it or not, that makes sense to me.

the one thing that i couldn't drop was that i needed to trust.
i need to know i'm okay, and it's okay, no matter what happens
today.

i need to know that.

and when i stop myself long enough and look at that.....
i do know that. and when i stop myself long enough to hold
that......i can feel the living prayer stuff goin' on.

trust.

forever that concept is floatin' around my heart........

for this moment......

i half had it in the beginning of the day yesterday.
i say 'half' because i also had fear.

but half of me had trust.

and heck, half is better than none.

so i let him in on it. told him i was concentratin'
on the trust. not the fear.

now and then i'd whisper out loud that i felt the fear.
but i kept goin' into the trust.

we laughed hard a couple times. layin' my head on
the kitchen table laughing.....doubled over in the
car laughing.

laughing truly is the best medicine.

and somehow....and i don't know how.....it helps with
the trust.

i heard myself say some really good lines.
and i checked to see if i believed them.
yep.
i did.

things like 'it's okay, it is what it is.'
and 'we have now, and that is what counts.'
and 'man, this is gonna be hard but we can do it.'

i heard those lines come out of my mouth at different times.
each time i silently checked.
yep. i'm on board.
yep,i'm trusting.

when the day was all done, and i was exhausted, i headed
for a shower...
for some reason, finances came up in my head.
i closed my eyes, and the money issues came up.

oh yes, another area that demands major trust.

and right there.......smack in the middle of my shower.....

i had it.
not half.
not part way.
i had full all the way trust.
about something that freaks me out a ton.......money.

i closed my eyes and said 'it's okay, i know it'll work out.
there doesn't have to be any big magic thing that happens this
week to convince me to trust. i'm there. i'll take magic as
i want magic. but i don't need it to believe. i'm there.'

i opened my eyes and realized something.......

spending a day stepping into trust, acknowledging the fear was
there, and going further into the trust anyway did something
inside of me.

by the end of the nite......i had it.
not half way.
all the way.
i had trust.

i had found it all the way as i went thru the day.
the turning away from fear over and over and turning into
trust over and over had moved me somewhere.

i had it.
i knew it'd go away again.
cause that's what it does.
but for this moment, i have it.

i went to sleep with the cool night air blowin' thru the
window....feelin' like one heck of a happy camper.