trusting the process...

i was typing an email this morning that got me thinking...

i was responding to a comment someone made about not being
able to forgive themselves.

i wondered out loud how come we all have such trouble with that?
and then i got to rollin' out some thoughts.
i gotta laugh......there should be a warning that goes up
before people send me an email....
warning.....this person is prone to thinking out loud.......

i took a walk and thought about it all.

i don't know when you want to say the 'beginning' of my journey was.
cause you could start when i was a kid....

i usually think of the time of my marriage break up as a significant
time where i INTENTIONALLY stepped onto a path of inner journeying.
so that's where i go to start with some of my thinking.

and when i started that path i truly, from the depths of my heart,
felt like damaged goods.

damaged goods.
that was THE phrase.

i'm thinking, regardless of the circumstances, a whole lot of us
find ourselves feeling like that. so i thought this might be a good
thing to throw out there.

for anyone just stepping onto the intentional path who's feeling that
way...

i've been down it now for about ten years.

i remember thinking no one understood. no one REALLY knew
and everyone who told me i wasn't didn't REALLY know what i was.

sound familiar????

if it does, take a moment and see if you can hear this journey
as a possible routine outcome for people on this path...
because i think it is 'routine'...i think we all can find what
i'm about to say i'm finding.....i think it's part of the deal.

what i'm finding is this:
growth.

grinnin' at ya.
yeah, growth.

at the same time i was feeling like damaged goods i chose love to
be the area that i wanted to learn about.

ten years i have been workin' on this really really hard.
three times i can remember completely sitting down and quitting.
about twenty gazillion times i can remember crying and thinking
i'll never get anywhere with this stuff. and many many times i
can remember feeling like i just couldn't release the pain
and i couldn't find the forgiveness inside that i knew i needed
to find.

i figure i will repeat the above paragraph, if i'm lucky,
several times over yet.

i figure it's a forever thing. and that doesn't discourage me
like it used to.

because now, ten years down the road, i can do things like the thing i did
yesterday. i can turn to my sons and say 'hey, i think i'm getting
somewhere with this love stuff.' i can actually see growth. i can
actually SEE it happening. and i know the longer i work at this,
the deeper i go. and i know that there's no end to the depths.

all the wrestling with myself, all the mantras of trust, trust, trust,
release, release, release...all that stuff has made a difference.
and will continue to make a difference.

the process works. the trying, the failing, the trying again,
gets us somewhere.

and i think maybe with the forgiveness.....maybe where i've gotten
with that isn't so much that i'm really great at forgiving myself
things now....maybe i've gotten to the place where i look at what
i thought i had to forgive and i see it different now. maybe i can
understand myself more. and maybe i can offer compassion more. and
maybe i can see myself as a human more.

maybe that's what's happened.
but i don't find myself in need of forgiveness like i used to.
i find myself in need of being seen by myself.

there was a great quote my buddy put up on her facebook page the
other day...i think it was....to understand everything is to forgive
everything.

maybe that's where we'll be led. to an understanding of ourselves.

if you can't find the forgiveness now, just keep walking.
and trying and wrestling and releasing and trusting and slipping
and falling and getting up again.

cause all that means you're growing.
and i think it's in that growth you'll find it......

happy birthday zakk!

it's my youngest son's birthday today!
nineteen years ago that guy made his way into the world.

and i tell ya, i am so glad he did.

i was just finishin' up changin' when i heard zakk open
his bedroom door. then i heard a 'good morning, noah.'
and then a 'happy birthday, zakk!' and i just grinned
so big.

i flew out my bedroom door just as zakk was making his
way over.

grabbing him and hugging him and not letting him go,
i tell him how glad i am that he's here.

and i mean it.

i hold him and it just lands on me how lucky i am to
have him.

he's grinning at the dramatic hello and i'm grinning
at him and it's a wonderful start to the day.

zakk has always been his own man. from the very beginning.
fiercely independent it's like he arrived here thinking
he was grown up. and that's never changed.

that's been a challenge for me. learning how to love
zakk in a way that honors who he is...and having to
communicate in a way that doesn't smother him and drive
him nuts.

and it's been a challenge for zakk learning how to love
me in a way that honors who i am...and having to communicate
more than is natural for him.

it's been a great thing for both of us.

i have such respect and love for this goofy guy of mine.
and i am so grateful he found his way here.
you can't find a more beautiful soul.

and we're celebrating him today!!!!
happy birthday zakk!

thanking you...honoring you...

i wanted to stop a bit here and kinda hold a moment
and thank you guys who responded so openly to the
blog post about abortion.

sharing your stories...(and what stories they are!)
i think is always a positive. the healing power
of our stories is something i'm learning thru bone sigh arts.

sometimes i just wouldn't want to put some of my stuff
out there...for many reasons. but when i'd think that maybe
it could help one other person, i'd shut my eyes tight
and go for it. and i've always been amazed how that really
does matter.

and your doing that really does matter as well.
that's the coolest thing.
all of us doing that matters.

a few of the responses were public here......thank you for braving that.
and some were private.....thank you for braving that as well.

your stories have kinda woken me up a bit here
and reminded me to pay even more attention at allowing space for
people to be safe and to know that they are cared for- not in spite
of the their stories - but because of all of who they are - which
includes all of their stories.

it reminds me something i'm learning about loving someone.
to truly love, you have to love the all.
not just bits and pieces.

while i found that challenging at first, i now find something
so deep in there that i wouldn't have it any other way.
still challenging at times, but so worth it in the end as
it's taking me from some kindergarten form of love to something
real and deep.

all love must be like that.
and i want my life filled with that.

your stories helped remind me to keep working on that.
your stories remind me that truly living that will open the
space for people to be who they are. and there's no other
space i want to be in.

thank you for your trust and openness.

offering

i was just writing to someone who wrote me privately
regarding the post below.

in the post below i said i couldn't think of one woman
who's come to me with the topic of abortion.

and that's true....
but as i wrote this woman just now, another woman
popped into my head.

her story.
and the weirdest thing is she's one of the closest
people in my life.

and that is so part of her story.

so how come she didn't come to mind???

and it hit me....when she told me about it....
it was one really awful story in the midst of a line
of really awful stories. it was part of the whole
string of 'em.

she wasn't singling it out....
she was listing things.
and then when i asked about that she described it.
and it's the stuff disturbing movies are made of.

i don't know how people find their strength sometimes.
when there's just one long string of awful things
to tell.....

and i know some don't find that strength.
some are trying really hard their whole lives.
and some find it.

'self hatred' came up in a note on this topic.

self hatred.

i wish i could touch that woman....all women....
carrying that around and just melt that hatred away.

i really wish i could do that.

i wish i could take judgments away and replace them
with compassion.

i wish i could take thoughtless insensitivity away
and replace it with kindness and understanding.

there's so much i wish i could do.

we can't take that stuff away in others.
but we can take it away in ourselves.
we can replace the hatred with compassion and understanding
and forgiveness.

we can.
it can be hard.
it can be so so so hard.
but we can.

i really want to put it out there today.
just one step at a time,ya know?
finding our way to self forgiveness for anything that we're
feeling that way about.

funny thing is?
truth?
there prolly isn't anything to forgive...
prolly just a whole lot to understand.

the one topic

i have a lot of conversations with a lot of
different women.

and we cover a whole lotta ground.

every single topic i can think of comes up.
including the really hard ones.

i have heard more stories about sexual abuse from
all kindsa angles than i ever could have imagined
hearing.

we talk.
for real talk.

except about one topic.

i sat here and tried to think if one woman has
ever brought this up with me. if one woman has
ever said 'i need to talk about this...'
and out of all the gazillions of conversations,
i don't think anyone ever has.

the topic?
can you guess?

abortion.

this makes me really stop and think.
about the women i'm close to and love so much.

is this something floating around with a whole lotta
women with them having no place to go to and share?

i know it's a loaded topic. and i know there
are some people who don't think twice about it.
and i also know there's a lotta people who do
think twice....and may have been there. it's
a loaded topic no matter what you believe.
and i would think it would heavy on some.

i don't even know what to do with this.
i think i'm gonna try to make an effort to my girlfriends,
actually bring it up and put it on the table for
them to pick up if they want to.

and i wanted to put it here.
if it's something you've never been able to talk about
and feel it would help to share it....i'm a keyboard away.

my intention?
to offer a place to rest a weight down if needed.
and that's all.

thru the mist....

one of those thousand thread walks.

a thousand threads of thoughts running thru my mind.

i could hear her voice in my ear -
'you and i both know how short life is, and how we need
to make it what we want.'

and then another thread -

how is it we lose our ability to take care of ourselves?

and another thread -

how do i tell her she's beautiful?

another -

my own voice telling her 'it's fear. who hasn't ran
into that one and got stuck, ya know?'
and feeling compassion and non-judgment.

more threads -

my squirming when people tell me i'm beautiful on the
inside. mmmm...thanks a lot. why has that always felt
more like 'you're not all that pretty on the outside??'
why do i take that and make it a negative?

and more -

thinking about feeling healthy. feeling good. alive.
maybe what i want to be is healthy right now. maybe that
feels more important than pretty.

pretty is healthy.
healthy is pretty.

another thought -

how to be truly independent? how to truly know how to
take care of yourself.....getting there, staying there......


a thread over here -

it all ties into self love. it all ties into self love.

looking up at the beautifully perfect colored morning,
i see a haze hanging over the field.

a foggy kinda misty haze.

i stop walking.
blink my eyes.
is it my eyes?
no. it's a really cool mist hangin' there.

almost like an energy, i think.

like an aura.
a beautiful pure aura.

i think of the energy i believe in.
i think of the energy i believe is inside of us.
i think of the energy i believe is hanging around outside of us.

i turn and head towards home.

beauty, health, trust, faith, self love, strength, intention....
it's all mixed up in my thoughts.

there's so much i want to offer.
so much i want to put out there.
so much i want to open to.

focus on your energy, ter.
focus on what kinda mist is hovering right around you.
that's the way you can convey what you want to convey.

thru your mist.

screw this

when will she just reach her limit and look him in the eye
and tell him to screw it?

i wonder that sometimes.
i wonder that a lot.
when i hear her pain, i wonder it a whole lot.

will she ever just reach that place?

and why hasn't she already?

what keeps her from doing that?
what keeps her from really seeing?

no, she sees.
i know she sees.
she let me in on it once.
her seeing.

and then she slipped it away, locked it up again,
and doesn't go near there anymore.

sometimes i understand why people do things.
sometimes i see their issues and know what's running
them and can understand why they're doin' what they're doin'.
it's easier for me then.

but i don't understand her.
i still don't really know what drives her.

and i wonder over and over and over how you can get to
the point where you let someone drive you into the ground like that.

i watch.
quietly gently nudge her to take care of herself.

i can feel the resistance go up quickly.
i can feel i'm not welcome there.

i step back.
and wait in the shadows.

and i wonder...at what point will she finally say 'screw it.
screw this. screw you.'

at what point will she announce she's worth taking care of?
at what point will she finally take care of herself?

and then the tears come to my eyes.
cause the main issue is obvious.
she can't think she's worth it.
she can't, can she?
she couldn't stay if she did.

and the tears begin to fall, because i know that there's
a whole lot of women who never reach the point of holding their value.
and owning their value - of living their value.

i know that a whole lot of women never ever get there.

i stand in the shadows instead of walking away.
why?
i ask myself why.

because i love her.

and i care about her.

and maybe there's more.

maybe there's some symbolism in there.

maybe i stand in the shadows for all women who can't own
their value yet.

sometimes it feels like that to me.
this feels so big to me it feels like it must encompass more.

like maybe i can't walk away because of all those women.

i can't do it for her. i can't do it for them.
i can't even grab her/their hand and pull her/them along.
that's the nature of this stuff.
you gotta do it for yourself.
but i think always, no matter what, you have a sense of
someone standing in the shadows waiting for you.
and that makes a difference.

and that's why i'll stay there.
and gently, quietly nudge.
and remind her that i think she's worth it.

and maybe somehow that's my offering to all the women in her shoes.

i sit here and i pray that each and every one of them finds the strength
to say 'screw this,' and turn towards their self worth...their value...
their life.

snow days

i love the adventures snow brings in....
there's ALWAYS something.

and while this wasn't snow related, it added to the fun!
my guy broke down on his way to work.

the best thing about one of us having car trouble is the
amazing support team you have all around you. there's
always someone with a vehicle available and the attitude
of wanting to be there for the other person as the other
person is always there for them. that's an incredible
thing to have in your life. and it's not lost for a second
on me that we have that network.

we had to clear the car and driveway to even begin
to get to him. noah came along and off we went adventuring...
leaving zakk to shovel out the neighborhood.

my guy was the sport of sports and i was really
proud of his attitude. noah was amazingly wonderful
and i was so proud of his good nature, and me?
well i was the morale booster and i just tried to
keep it all fun.

stopping for foo-foo coffees (the whipped cream good ones)
and bagels to bring home as our rewards for being heroes
we drove back, goodies in hand, to find zakk just as he
was beginning our elderly neighbor's driveway.

i had had my coffee by this time and between the adventure
on the highway and the realization that i hadn't missed all
the exercise opportunities from the snow, i was rarin' to go.
dropping off a chocolate chip bagel to my elderly neighbor
first....cause really...how COULD she resist, i grabbed
a shovel and got in the guys' way.

i laughed with them, grunted a bit, twisted my back in
unhealthy ways, and marveled at the beauty of the day.

the only thing i missed were snow angels....

there's a time for them....it has to be right......
but that's okay, there's always tonite....

i'm snugglin' in to catch up on the time missed from work
with a big smile on my face. i have the best family
in the whole darn world. and snow days always remind
me of that!

meltily

well, i'm guessing it was the solid week of tryin'
to deal with my computer crashin', and the bringing it
back to life that was wearin' on me.

and then, a couple of financial things topped it off,
and i just fell flat into a pool of 'i feel so stupid.'

i would like some points tho.......that's a bit better than
'i AM so stupid.'

so points there.
but my gosh, i felt stupid.

you sit there thru enough sessions of your kids (who,
yes are now men, but still my kids) whizzin' around doin'
things on your computer when you can't figure out what's
goin' on and you're bound to feel a bit slow.

throw in conversations with your partner who can do numbers
in his head like there's no tomorrow....along with a long
work day, and well.....things crash.
like your self esteem.

so i saw that.
was kinda hard not to see.
and i thought 'okay, ter, why do you feel this so strongly?'

and i thought of all the practical things all the guys in
my life can do. and how i'm always taggin' along tryin' to
learn....but truly, it's like a toddler wanting to hold the
hammer. i'm just barely there.

i keep tryin' to learn as i want to do it all myself.
but my gosh.

i tried to do the logic thing.
i tried to tell myself i was good at stuff.
oh yeah, i argued. nothin' practical. what good's it do me???
and as i sat and had an argument back and forth i could
see that i was getting nowhere.

so i went off to the shower.

i honestly can't remember enjoying a shower more.

i melted.
completely melted.

and then, very gently, i touched my head, with the hot
water running down it.

there is something so powerful about lovingly, gently,
softly, intentionally touching your head.

like someone who loves you would do.

ohhhhhhhh......like someone who loves you would do.

oh yeah.
i love me.
oh yeah.

seems i had forgotten that.

i remembered there in the shower.
and i could feel my whole body melt into that.

gently, slowly, meltily, i remembered i was valuable
just as i was......

the wise one inside

dreams are amazing.
i used to work with them all the time.
now i'm a big talker about dreams, but not much of a worker with them.
which is really lame considering how much i believe in them.

years and years ago i would have a recurring dream come up
when i was struggling with stuff inside of me.
a guy i used to know was featured in the dream. but it really
had nothing to do with him. he was just one of my first big crushes,
and symbolized 'love' to me. it took me awhile to figure that out.
but when i did, i was so excited about that.

eventually, i figured out those dreams were about my own self love.
and they would surface when i was struggling with that and learning
about that.

how cool is that?!

well nowadays i have a recurring dream when something big is
happening with my relationship with bob. i finally figured this out...
and yeah, it's been goin' on for years. and just like those earlier
dreams, they're always just a tad different, aiming at a certain
result....a certain resolution of the dream.

when the first series of dreams years ago made it to that result
(which was me finally marrying that guy....interpreted as me finally
loving my self) i stopped having the dreams.

i thought that was the coolest thing.

well, this round with my dreams......i'm not sure, but i'm thinking
the result that they're aiming for may have happened last nite.
if not, at least a really big significant chunk of it happened.

and i'm kinda in awe.

my dreams are showing my growth to me.

and yeah, i'm in awe.

a long time ago i trusted my insides so deeply, and listened
and followed so respectfully.

and while i still think i listen and follow, i think i had
forgotten that deep deep respect for that inner knowing we
carry around.

my dreams last nite reminded me of that.
there's an inner knowing.
and it's working with us.
always.

i say that all the time and believe that.
but i forget just exactly what that means to me.
i don't stop and hold that enough.

and i love how it shows up sometimes.

and this morning i am feeling such a deep respectful gratitude
for that process.

i truly believe with my whole heart that we have a 'wise one'
inside...are we listening?

a vow to my partner

i swear, love is on the brain lately.
well, more so than normal.

someone ordered 'a vow to my partner' yesterday.
normally, i grab the stuff and wrap it up, barely
noticing what i'm doing.

but this time i stopped and read it.
the whole thing.
slowly.
thinking about it.
and i smiled...i am slowly really learning how to do this.
slowly. and yeah, i mess up a lot......
but you know what? i'm seein' progress.
and that makes me really happy.

i need to read this every so often to help me keep my focus.

thought i'd share:


a vow to my partner


i will be mindful of the act of loving you
every day of my life.

i will not take you for granted,
but will keep my eyes open to the treasure
that you are,
allowing room for your individuality and
your own uniqueness.

i will not try to bend you to my ways,
but rather open myself to your ways as
being part of who you are.

i will embrace all of you.
the dark parts along with the light.
because, together, those parts create
the being that i love.

i will accept you,
respect you and admire you.
and if something comes between us
to make me stumble with this,
i will go to you and ask your help
with my struggle.

i will bring my challenges to you,
looking for your thoughts and support
and i will return that support to you freely.

when i'm hurt, i will believe in your love for me,
i will bring you my hurt, and together we
will grow from it and then put it aside.

i will share all of myself with you,
for i know to receive your entire heart,
you must have mine.

together, we will work,
we will play,
we will laugh,
we will grieve,
and we will find our way.

together we will live gratitude.

together we will touch love.

my good morning world spot!

noah took a walk with me this morning........
and up at my goodmorningworld spot, he took this picture!
this is the place where i turn my back to the highway
and all the cars and look at the sky and pretend i'm
in vermont.

now you can get a feel of how that really can work!!!

more love again....

on a shallow level it could be viewed as just learning
how to get along with each other. learning each others
rhythms.

i woulda said that in my married days. that you need to do that.
and i think that's what i pretty much did.
and yeah, it was on the shallow level. which would be
one more factor that got piled in to add to the end of it all.

i'm learnin' different now.
last nite, in dealing with my guy, i watched both of us.
and grinned at how far we've come.

there were practical things goin' on. and i knew now
how he works in those moments and how i work in those moments.
and i knew now how to give him some space.

but there was something subtle goin' on.
there was a whole quiet dance that was goin' on.
it was more than giving space.
it was giving a respect for him doing things his way for
himself.

there was an allowing that wasn't just putting up with,
or dealing with...it was an allowing that made space
to see him.

i was trying to see him. and i had somehow made a space
where it was easy to do that in.

wow.
subtle and yet really really powerful.

cause something weird happened.

there was this flow that happened.

i'm not even sure he knows.
but i do.

and it made all the difference in the world to me.

gosh, i'm feelin' like this seein' stuff is brand new to me.
which is funny as i work on it all the time.
maybe i just turned a really good corner here.

sure hope i stay in this direction for awhile.
i'm likin' it....

love again

love is in the air and it's not even february!

i got a few private responses to my relationships
blog which made me think of doin' another on love.
but as i exercised this morning, i thought nah.....
we all have our own takes on it and we all focus
on the stuff that matters to us.

i figured i'd leave it at that.

and then the quote of the day came in.
my eyebrows went up when i saw this as it really
isn't my quote! i have to take it off the list.

my guy wrote this one. and there's a great story
that goes with it, but he'd kill me, so i have to
leave that outta here. too bad too....

anyway.......here's the quote:

“ maybe to love another
is to trust them enough
to use them as a mirror
for the love of one's self. ”

when i first read this, i had to print it out and
re-read it. i was doin' the dishes. i remember bringing
it up to my counter and reading it and washing dishes
and thinking on it. this was way back when we were just
buddies....and makes me smile remembering this.

i love this quote.
it brings in self love.
it shows how self love is entangled in any love.

someone told me once they thought it was really self centered.
they missed the point. so if you're goin' there, sit with it,
cause it's really awesome cool.

i believe with my whole heart that you can't really love
anyone else til you love yourself. i totally believe that.

and as we grow in our self love and understanding, we grow
in our ability to love outside ourselves.

february is always the month of love for me. i like to really
focus on it then. looks like it's leaking into january here...
and i'm kinda likin' that.

stayin' humble

ya know,...it's kinda funny. some people come thru and
think that i've got this big business, and think i'm
way bigger than i am. and i always laugh. nah, it's just me.

and then......theres' the people who come thru and keep me
humble.

oh my gosh.

i just got a humble maker come thru. in person, actually.

a new(er) neighbor. he was over asking noah for some help.
passing thru my studio on the way out he asked to see some
of my art.

oh no.

we're standing right in the middle of the room. it's kinda
hard to say there isn't any available.

so i shyly go grab a piece.

i'm squirming knowing it's not gonna be his thing.

he reads one of my favorite pieces and shrugs.

i show him a few more pieces.

he looks up and in that incredible new york accent
says 'hey. it's a living.'

i am laughing and laughing as i type this.

what would i do without these people???

i get so many serious touching notes thru my life
about heart stuff and bone sighs and just life.

i need someone to look at me and say 'hey, it's a living.'
ya know??

keeps me way way way humble.
and that is a good thing.

laughin' and shakin' my head......

relationship thoughts...

relationships are on my mind!
and yes, this time i DO mean the relationship with your partner.
so many times i write about love here and people think i must
be referring to my guy when i'm not. there's so many kindsa loves
to refer to. and there's a whole lotta places in my life love
confuses me...
but today.....it's all about our guys or our women or whoever
that partner is.

for the last week relationships have been the topic everywhere
i turned. it's gettin' a little hard not to notice. and this
morning something was big on my brain...thought i'd share.

at what point do we start thinking that we don't have to nurture
what we have anymore?

i think that's a really interesting question because i'm not sure
how much anyone really goes in consciously thinking about it.
well.......until you get divorced and go around for the second time.
that's been a topic between my guy and i from day one.
we learned the hard way. and we know how much it matters.
and we've always put it on the table.

and while it's something we talk about often, it's still hard to
keep in mind and do. that's comin' from people who know better.
and how about for those people who haven't learned the hard way yet?
or who have forgotten?

how do we forget that?! how do we not know that?! if we don't
pay attention to nurturing it, don't we know it's not gonna work???

and here's one i have to remember....
how often do we get caught up in our own stuff and forget to see the
other person? to nurture them??

when i was seeking out the meaning of love, the only thing i could
ever come up with as a real facet of it was that loving someone meant
reaching beyond your own gunk to touch them.

that sounds so simplistic and obvious.
but um...i think that takes TREMENDOUS strength.
i've done it, and i've had to use every muscle i've had at times
to pull it off. it's no easy task at certain moments.

i can do it. and in the obvious bad times, i know i have to.
but it's the not so obvious bad times -
it's the times i get hung up in my needs not getting met that i forget
to do that. it's the sneakier times where it evades me.
where i start focusing on just me.
that's when i think it gets dangerous for me.
it matters all the time. and i think especially then.

nurturing. seeing. showing that you do....
if you don't have that both ways, what the heck is goin' on?
what are you there for???

there's something so easy about slipping into a place of taking
for granted. of just assuming. of being distracted.
it may seem easier at the moment....but it sure isn't down the line.
and it leads to such emptiness.

all these conversations i had were about other people's relationships.
not mine. but i took everything and put it into my own stuff, talked
it over with my guy, gave it all a lot of thought....and found a place,
a very important place, where i was shorting him.
where i wasn't stepping up to the plate like i should be.

i came to it on my own.
and i stepped up.
cause i want this.
i want it to be real.
i want it to be fulfilling.
and i want it to be love.

i gotta do my part to make that happen.
it's not always his fault, ya know?
grinnin' here.....
and hoping we all take a minute to think about it.
if we're lucky enough to have a significant other in our lives right now,
are we valuing that? respecting that? demanding all we can from it?
from both ourselves and from them?

if not......how come?

with respect and love...

my friend just lost her pop.
not unexpected.
been a long time coming.
she's been the care giver.
she's been right there for the mess, the stress
and the fear...
and she was there when he died.

no one could have been a more loving or caring daughter.

that's a big sentence to write out for me.
i have a ton of father daughter baggage.
so just writing that sentence brings tears to my eyes.

and i don't know how to explain it....but it's my offering
to her.

cause i know how much that mattered to me.
to be the best daughter you could be to your father....

and i know how hard it is.

and she did it.
with grace and beauty and love, she did it.

may her pop rest in peace.
and may she turn back to her life believing in her beauty.

my heart is with you, mary.

a flash in the face...

i had a really cool reminder thing happen to me yesterday.
it was such a big flash in my face that i actually pulled
my head back a little when it happened.

it's not like i purposely grabbed the thought of seeing people
better...sometimes i do that. i purposely grab something and
work with it. and maybe i did for a day...not even sure.

but i know i've been workin' with it for days now by accident.

i'll be talking to someone and it's like all of a sudden they
come into focus. their face will look brand new to me. like
i haven't ever seen them before. i'll start listening in a
different way...

and then when i realize i'm doing that, i tune in and purposely
work on it.

seeing.

i'm workin' on seeing.

seeing them.

but it's like something inside me is guiding me to do it.
nudges me.
gets my attention somehow....like when the other person's
face comes into focus in a new way....
that gets my attention.

and then i jump in.

so i've been doin' this a whole lot the last few days.

and here's the thing.....

i forget about me.

ah yes.

that's such a cool cool thing when that happens.

not the 'forget about me' in an unhealthy dysfunctional way.
but the 'forget about me' in a leaving who i am way,
in the way where you leave who you are and fall into the place
where we ALL are.

so that's been goin' on.

i've been quiet about it.
how do you explain to people you're talking to that their face
came into focus in a new way as they were talking to you??

so there i am keeping it kinda quiet when my guy comments
on how happy i seem.

and we both know that when i feel seen, i'm way happy.
so he assumes that i feel seen.
and comments on that.

truth is, i totally forgot about me.

so my head goes back when he says this.

wow.
yeah.
i could see why he thinks that.
we've been connecting really well.
but wow.
i hadn't even thought of that......

and this makes me really excited.
cause i know that when i get out of myself life is really good.
i know that.

and i don't think i'm too terribly self centered as it is.
but you know, there's levels.
there's always levels.

but this happiness had nothing to do with me.
and everything to do with me.

somewhere something inside me was guiding me.
and i was following.

and what's freaky awesome cool about that is i'm turning to
some new things with work. and i want to let my insides guide me.
mostly i think i maybe can kinda do that.
but i falter, waiver, wobble on that belief.

but when i saw how much i was allowing myself to be guided these last
few days...
how much i was releasing a hold on things that i hate to release,
when i saw how happy i was, and how good it felt....

well......i smiled big time.

i'm gonna work on this allowing stuff all week...
this allowing myself to be guided.....

and yeah, i'd like it to be a life time thing.
but i figure i'll start with a week...
and then take it from there......

seeing stuff

i've only read one line out of this love book i got recently...
and it had to do with really seeing each other.
really looking at each other.

that's all i've seen in the book.
and that one thought is all over my mind.

it's such an important thing.
and such a big deal.

during my time outta town, we stopped in quick to see
a bud of mine. we pulled into his studio to see what he was
up to and say hello.

it was such a wonderful time for me, even tho it was so quick.
he was just delighted with all his new creations and was showing
us what he was up to. i got to do a little welding talk with him
and tell him how i was feeling about that. and he listened and
grinned at me.

i got to hear about his 'peace' pieces and i listened and grinned
at him.

i loved seeing his place. how he had made it a place he could just
be himself in and do whatever he liked. i loved seeing him doing
all kindsa things. i loved his collection of rocks, and stuff....
and i just plain loved the joy i saw in him.

i have always loved this man.
and i always will.
and seeing him in his studio this visit reminded me why.
and i thought of that love book....and how we really need to see
each other.

i felt like i saw him in that brief visit.
really saw him.
and i knew why i loved him.
and i felt so lucky to have him in my life.

i like this really seeing each other stuff......
it's a good good thing.

rarin' to go again

ya know you need a road trip when you're haven't even driven
five miles and your whole heart is flowin' all over the darn
car, and the emotions are filling up the vehicle, and you need
to talk out loud because there's so much to address.

oh yes.

the drive in itself did wonders for me.
wonders.

i swear, five miles out i was a different person.
i was already gaining perspective i needed.

singing and bellowing my heart out felt pretty darn good too.

coming home i took a wrong turn that added half an hour
to the two hour drive. oh well, more time to think, i can
deal with that. i turned off the music and dove into my thoughts.

sharing my adopted family with my cousin, checking out the
latest paintings of my surrogate mom, goofin' and teasin'
with my adopted bro and goin' to the studio of one of my
creative friends was just topping to it all.

it was the talking by the fire in our room....
the sipping wine and talking about our hearts.
it was the pondering of life and love and ourselves that
really got me thinking.

and thinking.
and thinking.

and appreciating.

i swear, my family should ship me off every month for a day
just so i put everyone in the proper perspective.
cause i came back just loving everyone to the brim.

and as far as my life goes......
i came back appreciating it a ton and really really wanting
to make the most out of it.

this is it, ya know?
the one we've got.
i want to live it so full hearted.........

rarin' to go once again.....

walkin' into heaven...

i've got a couple projects on my mind that need sorting.
i've got music to rock out on, a recording of 'the dangerous old woman'
that i love, a heart that needs some airing out, and my travelin' earrings on.

at the other end of the road, i have a cousin i love dearly,
and a few of my adopted family members to introduce her to.
my surrogate mom is waiting for me with a hug, my adopted brother
is gonna be there to take a picture. and a good friend has stayed
in town when i thought he had left, so he's there too.

there will be multiple hugs, a lot of love showing up in goofy ways,
and the best part....hours and hours and hours and hours of girl talk.
i don't think i can get enough of words right now. i don't think it's
possible to have too much talk. i want to soak in conversations and
love.

and i can't remember ever needing a trip like i need this one.

my computer got really really messed up with some major icky virus stuff.
computer genius zakk will be fixing it while i'm away. even that is perfect
timing.

i need to be touching love right now.
for multiple reasons i just want to touch it.
in a way that makes sense to me.
in a way that doesn't confuse me.
in a way that i can SEE right there in front of my eyes.
one of the best ways i do that is in conversation.
looking eyeball to eyeball at someone i love.

to be with someone who considers herself my 'star sister' is gonna be
so cool. even something as goofy as being with another vegetarian
is going to feel extra good. and the fact that she's actually blood
family completely ices the cake. she knows my history like few others.
and all she wants to do is talk and talk and talk for hours and hours
and hours.

excuse me....i think i'm walkin' into heaven!

and the funny part....there will be talking of struggles and helping
each other with hard stuff. it will be real life stuff...
that's one of the major pulls for both of us.
we need some support.
and yet, it will still be heaven.

i don't think that it's that we can't have struggles...

i think that it's that we need to feel heard, seen, supported and loved.
and that's what matters.
that's the heaven part.
even in the middle of struggles.

here's to love, in its very many forms!
and here's to a trip to a little bit of heaven!

negating

i hadn't even been awake that long.
how could this many things have happened already?
how could i go from waking up and feeling fine to
standing here trying to hold the tears back feelin'
rotten???

i hadn't been up long enough for this.

okay.
i need to kinda figure out what all just happened,i thought.

as i stood there realizing that, zakk hollered over
a question. i walked over to his room and we started
talking.

amazingly enough, the subject turned into the very one
that was rollin' on inside of me, only i hadn't figured
it out yet.

as we were talking about his stuff, we talked of the
importance of not negating someone. i could feel the inside
tug which was sayin' 'hey! this topic's not just for zakk.'

finishing up, i went off to think about my own stuff.
sure enough...several times over already, i had felt that
this morning.

negated.

so i sat and felt what that felt like.
gentle, slow tears rolled down my face.

the reaction was strong enough that i looked for her.
i'm learning.
she's usually right there when i feel like this.

and sure enough, little terri was right there, hurt,
angry, and scared.

i pulled her in close.
held her on my lap.

'it's okay.
people can't see us all the time.
even the ones we love.
but i can learn to see.
i'm getting so much better at it.
and i see you.
and i feel you.
and i'm sorry it feels this way.'

i thought of something i had said to a friend the other day.
she's facing something so hard....and in my ever comforting way,
i told her i think that a whole lotta times we're in it alone.

that's helpful, huh?

and i followed it with 'and we're also never alone.'

i must think confusion helps or something.
why would i offer that????

because i believe it.

and that's what it felt like this morning. sitting there
watching the sky wake up.
i felt very alone. unseen. misunderstood. trying to offer
things where i should just stay quiet.

probably all very true.

i thought of the misunderstandings that people had with me.
and i realized it wasn't all about my not being seen.
i realized that their stuff was also at play big time.
and i grinned.
no kidding.
try REALLY big time.

our 'stuff' isolates us in so many ways.
and it binds us as well.
we're in this alone.
and we're in this together.
one of those really weird yin yang things.

it's rare when all the stuff can get out of the way and really
clear seeing can take place. actually, i think it's a piece of
heaven when that happens. and i do think those pieces are rare.

i know none of the negating was intentional.
and i know this is the way humans work.
and i have to let it all go.

but truth is, it's affected me.
and i want to do something with that.

i think all i can do right now is hold that little girl part of me.
and know that she's so incredibly beautiful.
and see her.

i can't expect other people to see me and my intentions all the time.
i can't.

i'm not even sure i can expect me to do that for myself.

but i sure can work on improving how often i try.
that's the 'alone' part.
this one's up to me.
not anyone else.

and somehow in doing that, it helps with the 'not alone' part,
and co-habitating in the world with others. and being part of
others.

seeing my own self is up to me.
and my little girl needs that today.

and i'm gonna give that today.
and maybe in so doing, somehow it will bring me back closer
to the ones who didn't.

playin' games with life...

i just got back from visiting my elderly neighbor.

we got to talkin' about memory loss.
i always relate to that as i have it too and i figure
it might help her not feel like she's the only
looney on the block. she definitely has company.

i had a thought as we talked....
'wouldn't it be fun if we all just admitted we don't
remember names sometimes??' i asked.

what if we just looked at someone and said, 'i know
i know you. in fact, i know i like you...but WHO
the heck are you?!'

and that did it.
we launched into all this crazy talk of what we could
say to each other when we forgot names.

personally, i think it's a great idea and would be a
great relief if we all just said things like:
'i haven't a clue what that word is.'
and then we all jumped in and tried to figure out whatever
word it is that was forgotten.

i have actually had moments when i was going to introduce
someone to someone else and the name i knew ten seconds ago
and a name i've known for years was just completely gone.

talk about panic.

but how fun would it be to introduce someone by turning
to them with a wide eyed 'who ARE you anyway?!'

oh i'm laughin.........
this could be fun.........

and a whole lot easier than faking it!

i think we gotta make some of this stuff a game.
i really do..

pix

that's so funny...
never occurred to me to put pictures up in the last post!
i use the pictures for my work...

but since a couple of you sweeties asked....
here's a few of my favorites!

having a conversation with beauty...

somebody raised these guys right.

i was all cozied in by the fire....skipped my
walk as it's icy out. didn't want to slip.
when there was a knock on my studio door.

it's noah. with his camera. hollerin' at me
to get outside with my own camera.

i tell him i don't want to take my camera out
in the weather. he's got a cute little rain coat
for his....

'put a plastic bag over it and get out here!'

i grin.

okay.
he talked me into it.

oh my gosh!!!!!!!

it was definitely like stepping into another world.
and then gettin' up close to everything and tryin'
to capture some of the beauty...it just made me really
see things as extra enchanting.

my fingers hurt so bad. but it was so worth it.

there's beauty all around....
and when you try to go talk to it, it really grabs you.

that's what it was like....like having a conversation
with beauty.

and i woulda missed it if noah hadn't hollered at me!
thank goodness for these guys....

movin' forward

life certainly is a challenge.

i've been thinking about it a bit this morning...

it's so hard to be honest with ourselves.
i would say i can only speak for myself....which is true...
but i'm pretty sure this is the case for most of us as i watch
it around me a fair amount.

we THINK we're being honest with ourselves.
we THINK we're looking at stuff clearly,
but ohmygosh, sometimes we are SO NOT.

a lot of the motivation might have to do with that deep inner desire
to not rock the boat.

to keep things 'moving forward.'

how on earth did we come up with the idea that not rocking
the boat kept things moving forward?

i had one of these moments not too long ago.
fortunately, i'm blessed with some very straight shooting friends.

as i was trying to not rock my own boat, i totally stuffed
down my truth. but i didn't really notice that as i was just
thinking i was 'moving forward.' keeping things smooth and
moving forward.

one of my friends gave me one of those slaps in the face.
'what are you doin'??? what happened to speaking your truth??'

i have to laugh thinking of that moment.
god forbid i ever have subtle friends.
this in your face stuff really works for me.

and so i looked, saw the truth of what she was sayin, and rocked
my boat a bit.

this whole 'moving forward' phrase has me thinking.

maybe it would be a really good idea to figure out what exactly
we mean by that.

do we mean moving forward as in growth and becoming more of who
we want to be? or do we mean that the boat doesn't rock for a bit,
it gives us a bit of a relief, and that we're gonna take that as
a positive and fake ourselves into believing it's growth?

that's on my mind this morning.

i don't think growth always has to be rocking the boat.
but i'm pretty sure stuffing your truth down so the boat doesn't
rock isn't growth.

and for me, it's quite a challenge to really see what exactly
it is that i'm doin'.

a party moment....

my head is chock full of stuff right now.
chock full.

i'll start with one thought for now as i think
i need to do some processing on the rest.....

went to that party last nite. (see post below)
and sure enough, found someone i didn't know and
had a heart filled conversation with him.

what was really cool was josh was there with me,
and he joined in on a lot of it. i loved that part.

i found myself talkin' about what it is i do.
and explaining what it meant to me.
my eyes welled up as i explained it was from my soul.
that part of the conversation mattered a ton to me,
because i don't think i've said those things out loud
in a very long time. and i could feel the drive inside
of me with what i'm doing. i could feel what a part of me
bone sighs has become. and i think i really needed to
hear myself say it out loud. think that did something
really powerful for me.

and then, towards the end, we talked of really dark, hard
things that had happened to us and how i saw really clearly
recently, that some stuff that i never would have picked
to happen....some stuff that i still don't know how to wrap
my head around....actually became a tool to help someone else.
i saw that even the stuff i didn't want has it's value.

i saw clearly the yin and yang of it all....
'you can take that pain and you can reach out to someone
with the same pain.' i heard myself say.

and i knew that it mattered.

i think i've known that for awhile, but this is the first
time i felt that about this particular darkness.

i think it was then i really understood it worked for all darkness.
sharing compassion that you've gained thru living is a priceless gift.

the man i talked with was wonderful. newly married and beaming,
he was a 'class act' (as josh called him later)....
and truly was a highlight of the evening.

he gave me space to let my heart out. a gentle, sincere soul.
and i got to watch his glow about his new life with the
woman he's in love with. i love to see things like that.

it was quite a mixing of hearts standing in that room....

what a complete honor it is to be alive sometimes, ya know?

happy birthday, pam!

it's a special friend's birthday today!
happy birthday to pam! i'm hoping a lot of you know
her from her blog!

now i sat here and debated....there's a lot of really cool
women and a lot of birthdays to celebrate! if i wrote a blog
for each one, you guys would roll your eyes and say something like:
not another birthday?!

i figure i'm gonna make pam my birthday poster child!
grinnin' at ya, pam.....

she came thru one day dropping an email in my box.
and that was the start of a really cool friendship.

we have never met, never spoken on the phone....
and i consider her a close friend.

how weird is that???

i know we'll meet. she's not all that far away, and i know we'll
meet....but we really don't have to.

i've met so many really cool women this way.
some i've met in person at some point, some i haven't.
and it just doesn't matter.
which i think is the coolest thing.

this email stuff.....it can really let you open your heart.
it's easier than just walkin' up to someone and pouring it
all out.

but here's a thought.....
we do it in email.
a lot of times because we can't see each other....
and from my experience, people are so open to talking and
sharing their heart stuff.

why don't we do that more in person with those right around us??
ya know???

it got me thinking this morning.
and it's perfect timing as i'm going to a birthday party tonite
for another friend.

i will be toasting pam while i'm there,
and i'm gonna walk around and talk to the people i meet from
my heart. yeah, yeah, i kinda do that a lot already.
but sometimes i get really shy with people i don't know.

i think it would be kinda a cool birthday thing to do to just
put that shyness away for the evening.

a few of the people at the party will be people from my high school
days! celebrating our friend's 5oth birthday. that's gonna be
mind blowing all in itself.

i'm gonna try to find someone i never met before and have a heart
to heart...in honor of my on line friends.

it's quite a circle of women out there.
pam is one of the wisest women i have ever met....
i feel so lucky to know her.
i celebrate her birthday today, i celebrate her!
and i celebrate the birth of all these incredible people i have
met thru the internet!

you guys completely rock!

happy birthday, pam!

my sky blanket

i woke up from a really bad dream.
a really bad one.

i lay there in bed for a few minutes sayin'
out loud 'that was a bad dream. that was a really bad dream.'

top it off with some heavy duty thinking i had done in
the middle of the nite and i gotta say it was a pretty
stinky nite's sleep.

as i made my bed, i cried and i just wanted to crawl onto
a lap somewhere and just be held and have my hair stroked.

since that didnt' seem like too workable a plan, i grabbed
my shoes and went out on a walk. a fast walk.

at first i walked really fast and just kinda tried to run
away from the feeling the dream brought out.
it's one of those feelings i put in my 'worst feelings ever' category.
and i REALLY didn't want to feel it.

but then as i got up to my good-morning-world spot....just about
30 steps before i got there, i realized i needed to stop running
from the feelings, and i needed to hold them. i needed to hold me.

stepping up to my spot, i found a guard rail post to sit on,
and i just sat down and looked at the sky.

the five million commuters driving by on the highway were just
like little ants goin' on their way and i paid them no attention.

the clouds of cold air puffed in and out as i sat there thinking.

i thought of how this wasn't little terri that needed holding.
it was big terri. that my grown up self had been dealt some pretty
good scars too and this time, it was my grown up self that needed
some holding.

when those things that gave me the scars were goin' on, i was so
busy taking care of everyone around me, that i didn't take enough
care of myself. i know that. have tried to go back and deal with
it before. this was just another reminder that i wasn't done, and
i needed some soothing.

i looked at the sky.
it was peach color with these nice purpley stripes in it.
it was this soft striped sky.

'wrap yourself in it,' i heard a voice say to me....
i don't know who said it.
but that never bothers me.

'a sky blanket.' i thought.
'i used to wear stripes all the time.'
and i smiled, got up, and in my mind, i took that blanket of sky
and wrapped it around myself.

i could feel the softness, the warmth of the peach colors,
and the healing of the violets.

bowing my head, shoulders curled in sky sofness, i turned to walk home.

i soaked it in. i felt the peace of the colors and the sky sink into my skin.

i heard a noise as i stepped.
a stone had gotten stuck in my sneaker.
i almost stopped to get it out.
'no! wait!' i thought.....
it's a piece of the earth.
a piece of the earth on my feet.
the sky wrapped around me.
what could be more healing???

the stone stayed.

and that voice was talkin' to me again.

'you've had sadness, girl.'
and right then, like magic...or a movie...
the really sad things in my life kinda went thru my head.
i could see them.
i could feel those moments. could be there again, and feel them.
i held the sky blanket closer.

'and you've had joy, girl.'
and then some really really wonderfully joyful moments came
thru my mind. and i smiled and could see my laughing face as
those things were going on.

'it's life. life has it all, girl.' the voice said so soothingly.
'it's okay to hurt. it's okay to be sad. just remember all the
things life is. remember the all.'

tears slipped down my face.
a tear got stuck in that little well at the bottom of my eye
and top of my cheek. i left it there. it felt good right there.

i felt so much more peaceful walking back home.
i held that woman who was me, who handled the hard stuff and took care of those
around her. i held her, and loved her, and told her i was sorry
it hurt. and i felt the peace of the sky touching the light of
the stars inside me.

i could feel the glow.

as i headed to my door, i wondered if i needed to leave the blanket
outside. 'does that stay outside?' i asked whatever voice i had
been talking to.

'take it in with you. stay wrapped in it as long as you like.
but soon, you'll find someone who also needs it. pass it along then,
but keep a tiny piece in your pocket, close to your heart. and
remember how blessed you are.'

walking in, i felt so much better than when i had walked out.

life is everything, ter.
it's the really really sorrowful.
it's the things you can never change.
and it's everything else too.....
it's everything.
it's the all.

it's the magic and the fire....
and the chaotic and the peaceful...

it's the all.

star inspiration....

my beautiful, amazing friend, sue, just sent me this
passage from the book the four agreements.

i had to share!
my gosh!

thank you so much, sue......
this sparked some great inspiration inside me!


Three thousand years ago, there was a human just like you and me who lived near a city surrounded by mountains. The human was studying to become a medicine man, to learn the knowledge of his ancestors, but he didn't completely agree with everything he was learning. In his heart, he felt there must be something more.

One day, as he slept in a cave, he dreamed that he saw his own body sleeping. He came out of the cave on the night of the new moon. The sky was clear, and he could see millions of stars. The something happened inside him that transformed his life forever. He looked at his hands, he felt his body, and he heard his own voice say, "I am made of the light; I am made of stars."

He looked at the stars again and he realized that it's not the stars that create light, but rather light that creates stars. "Everything is made of Light." he said, "and the space in-between isn't empty." And he knew that everything that exists is one living being, and that light is the messenger of life, because it is alive and contains all information.

The he realized that although he was made of stars, he was not those stars. "I am in-between the stars," he thought. So he called the stars the tonal and the light between the stars the nagual, and he knew that what created the harmony and space between the two is Life or Intent. Without Life, the tonal and the nagual could not exist. Life is the force of the absolute, the supreme, the Creator who creates everything.
~ Don Miguel Ruiz

whatever form it comes in...

something a friend said to me awhile ago has been kinda
echoing in my brain today...
i remember blogging about it when she first said it...
it was something about taking love in whatever form it
comes in.

i'm not sure why, but that's kinda bouncin' around my head
this morning.

i think you can take that and do a ton of things with it...
including making it a negative and sayin' 'wait a minute...
that's pretty dysfunctional.'

that's only cause i threw it in out of the blue.
if you heard her conversation, you would see it as pretty
awesome.

i wrote it down when she said it.
i was so impressed with her attitude.

this morning....for whatever reason....i'm seein' love in
a thousand odd ways. it's all around.
and some of the forms are pretty subtle, some are in my
face, some are way different than i'd pick...
but it's all there. in different forms.

and how lucky am i to have that?
i was pretty worn out yesterday.
not really ready to work too much on the love stuff.
and so i didn't.

and today, i see it all around me, and that's enough for today.
that's where i'll leave it be.

just acknowledging it in whatever form it comes in.

cause sometimes just knowing it's there is way more than enough.

so?

i just walked in from an encounter where i felt
really unseen.

no. beyond that.

i felt seen INCORRECTLY.

yeah, that's it.

well, yeah, that's the same as not seen.
isn't it always seen incorrectly when you're not seen???

not sure why the different phrasing matters.

the incorrect stuff has always bugged me.

i'm joyful and open a lot and that can come off as
flighty and air headed.
shoot, i want to strangle people who see me that way.

then there's the 'rose colored glasses' thing that
people put on me.

or that i live really sheltered....

there's a lotta things that really bug me that people
have said or do say about me.

cause i see it as incorrect.

so in buzzin' around feelin' that just now, i realized
something.....

um....yeah....
i was totally seen incorrectly......
and um...

so???

oh wow.

so?

so.

so who the heck cares.

i care when it's someone i love.
i need them to see me for me to have a real relationship.

but like how many people can really see a person for who they are?
really, it's the ones that are close to you.

if you are lucky.

and that's a big IF.

the other people who are just scattered around....
well, ya know, girl.....they're just gonna see what they want to.

and so what????

oh.

oh.

i don't think i ever really got that thought like this before.
like really inside of me.

and.

and.
and.

take it a step further.......

did you see this person who didn't see you???
or did you get stuck on the fact that they were seeing you wrong.

did you sum it up with a great phrase like 'guys are weird.'
and just leave it at that????

um.

yeah.

what's more important to you, ter?
seeing or being seen???

to those i love and am close to, it's even steven.
i want both equally.

to those who are are in my surroundings.....it's the seeing that i need
to do that matters.

it's okay if they all think i'm ms. wacky-rose-colored-glasses-wearing
-hide-from-the-world-goof-ball.....

that's really okay.

cause like um....that's a big so what.
seriously.

SO WHAT, TER?!!

what matters is that i keep workin' on my own seeing.
cause i fall real short with that....
and that's where i should be concentrating.

wow.
was that a cool train of thought for me......

and i think one i can really embrace cause i finally finally
finally see me enough not to need the whole world to do it for me!

altho....let's not forget the fact that this threw me for a loop.
so it's not like i've really gotten it down yet. i still gotta
practice.

but this is good stuff!

go figure.

starting over....

she was telling me about something she had done.
it was incredibly courageous and loving.
she tried to downplay it, but i know her well
enough to know what a big deal it was.

and i know that she set herself up to be hurt,
but she was okay with that. she felt it was
better to reach out.

i thought of my own stuff that was similar to
hers. and how i just didn't want to do what
she did.

she was acting out of love. how come i didn't want to?

i don't know....
maybe it's all more complicated than that.
maybe there's lots of ways to act out of love and
i've been trying hard to do that.

maybe i just don't want to get hurt anymore.

maybe i just don't want certain things anymore.

all this and more had me thinking about love as i
wandered around this morning.

i say i want to be love.
i say i want every action to be love.

and yet, this morning, unless it's really easy love,
i really want to be left alone.

and i know....that's not being love.

i glanced at a couple of books on loving yesterday
by thich nhat hanh and i saw enough to understand that
to truly love like i want to means some major effort
on my part.

it kind of discouraged me.
like i'll never get it.

i knew that.
i knew i'd never get it the way i wanted.
so why does that thought feel different this morning?

i don't know.

maybe cause i at least thought it would be getting easier
by now?

and it doesn't feel any easier.
maybe that's why....

maybe somehow i thought love would make everything all okay.

yeah.
yeah.
that'd be it.

and it doesn't.

that's the thing with the really hard love stuff......
that's when it's the most challenging....is when stuff really
doesn't feel okay, you keep doin' it anyway, and it still
doesn't feel okay.

that's the whole point, ter.

yeah.

i just have trouble with that part.

so what i have learned along the way, is that when i feel
this way, where i start is with myself.

showing myself compassion and understanding with where i'm at.
and then go from there....

it's a start.
which is good.
cause i felt like quitting.
but if i do the compassion and understanding thing with myself,
i'm just starting one more time.

which is a good thing.

his glow

when my kids were little, we listened to a whole lot of
children's music and stories. i totally had my favorite
songs, stories and creators of those.
and tom chapin was one of them. he has this song about
this kid named bruno who lives in a telephone booth that
was my absolute favorite.

bruno would keep tellin' everyone there was 'plenty of
room' and to 'come on in!' and you ended up with the
county choir in there and fire trucks and a whole wonderful
assortment of things.

i loved this song. and i loved the man who sung it with such
a twinkle. you could feel his twinkle all thru the song.

well, last nite i got to go see this man do his thing at
the local college! i got the best seat in the house and
sat there with josh on one side and a girlfriend on the other
and just soaked him up.

he doesn't just do kids' music. that's just what i knew
him from. i don't even know what you call what he does...
stories from the heart folk kinda stuff....

on the way down, my girlfriend and i were talking and i said
'what i really want to do is just go see a good, gentle guy
who's following his dreams, that's what i want to see.'

and that's what i saw.

i loved his music, yes.
i loved his talking thru-out and giving us a little history
of him and his late brother, harry. (harry chapin - cats in
the cradle, guy)
but what i was soakin' in was this man's spirit.

he positively glowed.
his smile wrapped around my heart and just held it.

i knew i was soaking in his spirit.
i knew i needed it for some reason.
i just needed to see someone who loved what he was doing so
much. and believed in what he was doing so much.
and glowed about it.

i couldn't have enjoyed it more.
when we all climbed back in the car, each one of us
was sayin' how wonderful the show was.
one of the best ever.

i'm gonna carry his glow around today.
sometimes you just need to see that kinda thing....

last quote

there was a third quote i wanted to share from that
letter of mine i got recently.

looking at it this morning, i kinda shook my head in
amazement. this has been the topic on my mind this last
week. and last nite i found myself writing to someone
who is really struggling with not being able to stop
something horrible.

does that happen to all of us sooner or later?
i wonder....
if we live long enough, do we all bump into something
up close and personal, right in our face, that is
so awful that we are sure it must be stopped and find that
we can't stop it?
is it different than the horrible stuff we hear on the
news? is it different because it's ours somehow?
and if we really understood the stuff on the news was
truly ours, could we cope?
i wonder about it all....
and i wonder how we come to terms with it.

and then i read this quote, close my eyes, and let it
soak in...

'and all the while, deep inside, i know what i have always
known: that the knowledge will never be enough. this is the
secret we keep from ourselves. and the moment is revealed,
we become aware of a need for something else: for the wisdom
to live with what we do not know, what we cannot control,
what is painful - and still choose life.

and all the while, wisdom asks us to choose life. she does
not want us to just continue, to hang on, to survive. she asks
us to experience life actively, fully, every day - to show up
for all of it.' (oriah mountain dreamer)


what a quote, huh?
and not such an easy task.......

another quote...

alrighty.....got another quote that i wanted to share.
this came in the note i mentioned a few blogs down.
a friend sent me this in the mail....and it truly moved
me.

again from oriah mountain dreamer -

'i cannot save myself, nor those i love, from the sorrow
that is part of life. knowing this, it is tempting to
protect myself from pain by simply closing a little to
life, especially in the areas where i have been hurt, in
the areas that matter most...we live in a culture that
wants only the times of fullness, that often denies our
right the fading times. we have forgotten that there can
be no full moon without the existence at other times of the
tiny sliver of light surrounded by darkness. the fullness
of summer is held, on the opposite side of the wheel, by
the time of the longest night. to be separated from these
cycles of the world, from the births and deaths, is to
be separated from life itself. but still we work frantically,
seeking the knowledge that will put humans outside this natural
cycle of blossoming and decay.'

blown away

someone sent me this quote from kabir....

i have never seen it before.......

oh.my.gosh!

There is a secret one inside,
all the stars and all the galaxies
run through her hands like beads...

not just another saturday

a friend just dropped me a note about a horrible accident
her daughter was in. she truly should not be here right now.
and she came out of it fine.
she came out of it fine.

wow.

her friend in the back may have a long road of recovery however...
and i think of her and her parents...

i read it and just kinda sat stunned.

that's not all.
my friend is dying.
it's a slow death - where she has plenty of time to think about it and wonder.
she talks of the hard spiritual work she's done and how she's entering
into even harder work. 'but i have no choice' she writes.

i sat there and read this note and just stopped.

it's not just another saturday.

i'm looking at the gifts i have in just rising to a full day
with my loved ones around me.

and i wanted to remind us all......

it's not just another saturday.....

on fire

there were these strings....
all coming together.

i didn't know that, of course.
cause i don't think we ever know that.

good or bad, we don't see how all the strings
are going to connect and wrap around inside of us.

these were good strings.
strings that were wrapping inside of me and making echoes
and making things vibrate.

finally, there were enough that something happened inside of
me.

or

maybe they weren't strings.

maybe they were sticks.

maybe they were sticks being piled into a wonderful pile.

and finally there were enough.

and a fire just started.

it just plain ol' started.

it was there.

i couldn't have made it happen if i tried.
and yeah, i've tried.

it's not something you can make happen.

it just happens.

and one moment you feel it.

you feel it igniting inside of you.

and you know you're back.

you know you somehow found your way back.
or more likely...it found it's way back to you.

i'm on fire again.
and i'm back where i love to be.

and i can't embrace it fast enough.

i'm on fire.
and the glow is buzzin' all over me.
inside and out.

this is positively one of the best feelings in the world.
and it just happened.

stick after stick.
string after string.

maybe one of the stars inside me exploded and lit the others
up brighter!

maybe they all caught fire!

whatever happened....i'm lovin' it.

watching them

taking a walk this morning, i got the friendliest
wave from someone who drove by. i don't know who it
was as i can't see in the darn cars that early,
but it was someone from the neighborhood.

i gave a good friendly wave back and my heart just
warmed as i kept going.

i am so darn lucky, i thought.
there are so many really nice people surrounding me.

i thought of the last two business dealings i had,
both ended with really warm and caring sentiments.
actually, both ended with love.

now, they're not all that way.
i just had one that ended with someone walkin' away
and not responding....so yeah, i have some difficult
ones too. but there's a whole ton of them that are
amazingly kind and caring.

i was wondering how many people got to have a business
like this, when i thought of my sons. i thought of how
all three of them have the same thing going. even zakk,
who isn't as out there as much as the other two has some great
interactions. i've had people tell me how much they
love him.

when i read a comment from someone noah's interacted with
professionally telling him that he was a 'legend of a human,' i smiled.
and i can't attend anything of josh's without hearing and feeling the
love surrounding him.

wow.
that really hit me.

looking at them, i knew that they had drawn that energy to them.
i knew that their caring and giving had been given back to them.
it's easy to see looking at them.

i mentioned it to noah when i got back home.
told him how i saw his business was filled with love.

and his response?

EXACTLY what mine would have been if someone said that to me...

an enthusiastic 'oh, i know! i've been so lucky with that!'

he has no idea he's creating it.

hmmmmm....
made me think of my own self.

it made me nervous when my sons weren't going to college.
i wasn't thrilled. i wanted them to go do the normal deal,
get the normal security and that kinda thing.

when they told me that they'd seen me run my own business
and they wanted to try, i wasn't flattered. i wasn't tickled.
somewhere inside i was wishin' that i was a 'normal' example
for them.

this morning, i think i really see that i have taught them
something...and that it really was a good example.

and now, watching noah, i'm learning.

it's them that's creating their surroundings.
there's no question of that when i look at them.
which must mean that i'm doing that too.

we're all doing it.

all of us.

in watching them, i can see the importance and the value of it.

in watching them, i'm reminded of the power of our attitude.

in watching them, i rejoice.

thinking out loud....

ohhh...something's kinda hummin' inside my head...
maybe typing it out i can figure it out a bit better.

got an amazing letter in my email this morning.
someone shared their story with me.
and it's one with a lot of pain in it.
she's working hard on healing. on learning
trust, on taking her power back. and she shared
with me a bit of where she is.

i can't just ramble on without kinda stopping and
saying what a gift it is to be trusted with stories
like this. i am humbled. and honored.

and....i am learning. women's struggles, women's
journey's have always helped me on my own. but this
morning, with this story, i think i see how much
they teach me and how they help me grow.

this one, has something new buzzin' inside me.
i'm not sure if this is right....but i'm thinking
maybe there's really two (at least....i don't know,
maybe more?) worlds that have to be healed.

there's our inner world. the world that holds our
inner child, our wounds, our value, our power.
that's the place i just thought i had to heal.
and then i thought everything would be okay.
like, you know, that's ENOUGH work for one life time.
and that would keep me busy forever and that would
be where the healing would all take place.

but there's another world. the outer world.
the world that holds the injustice. the world that
holds the things we have no control over. the world
that holds the darkness. and also holds the goodness
and the light. but i stress the hard things, the
heartbreaking things, the things that no other word
but 'evil' would really describe, because those are
the things that baffle the heart and seem to elude
my ability to make peace with the world.

and i think....that part of the process of healing
is somehow finding our way to acceptance of this
world. of finding acceptance of not being able to
control or change some things. and that is no small
task at all. i'm not sure if 'acceptance' is the right
word, but bear with me as this is all new. so i'm
gonna go with that word for now.

and to get to that acceptance (which i haven't yet)
seems like we have to find it deep inside of us.
which would explain, i guess, why it would be part
of our healing process.

because it demands we go so deep inside and we find
what it is that allows us to get to that spot.

it really hit me this morning that healing is a two-parter
(at least) and that each part is more than enough for
a life time...

looking back at the last few years where i've struggled
so much with my beliefs, and my spirituality....i see that
that too has been part of the healing path.

and i guess, without even really knowing it, i had looked
on it more like a weakness. like a muddled-headedness, like
something i should have a better handle on.

i didn't look at it as part of the healing process.

and this morning, as i type this, the tears fill my eyes...
because i'm thinking it's a road i really have to travel.
and it's a good thing after all. it's not a weakness,
it's a growing. it's a growing into strength.

it's all entangled, all intertwined, all part of the whole.
and healing can't ever be just about what's inside of you.
because everything is so connected.

that's the thought that's comin' thru this morning.
not sure about it....but really wanted to type it out and
think on it.....and i'm not sure why, but i'm feelin' pretty
darn excited about it.

joy

a few months back i had a heart to heart talk
with my neighbor. he was struggling with some
darkness that had him in its grip pretty good.

i was pretty concerned for awhile.
and it's such a fine line to walk to be there
and be helpful and not be hovering and a nuisance.
drove me crazy as i'm more prone to the nuisance
end and it's hard to just step aside and watch.

well, months make a difference, and now, he's
feeling better than ever. he's told me several
times recently how good he's doin' and it just
feels so good to hear. i was truly worried about him.
and now...he is sooooo much better.

and then...today....i laughed with joy with him.
so much so that i thought i would burst.

i wandered out to put the mail out.
he had also wandered out for something and saw me.
he hollered over one heck of a peppy 'hey girl!'

i turned his way and laughed.
it was so good to hear.

put my mail in.
he did whatever he did, and he was headin' back
to his house.
he would have left it at that, but i called over
and asked what was new.

that was all it took......
he smiled big, and started running across his
yard to me arms outstretched.

'let's do one of those movie things' he hollered.

i laughed, opened my arms and went running towards him.

we hugged each other tight and he picked me up and
whirled me around in a circle.

i worried about him breaking his back and he set me
down.

we laughed and he told me he felt so good.
better than ever.

and his whole face was lit up.

there are moments when i'm sure i touch heaven.
i am sure of it.

that twirling in the yard there was one of those moments.

it was complete joy.

and yeah, something i see......it came after the
darkness.....

smitten

ah! it was time for another welding lesson!
oh yes!

i headed out to the shed early so i could do
some stuff on my own. figured it would save them
some time and it would help me learn.

not welding.
i wasn't gonna do that alone yet.
i still figure there's a good chance i'll blow
up the shed. so i was okay waiting on that.

but i went out and took the stick of metal we
had been using and cut a few pieces from it.

as i got the roaring green saw started, my insides
were just delighted. sparks flew everywhere - just
like sparklers - as the blade cut into the metal.

mmmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrr

oh wow.
that is soooo cool.

i cut a few more times just for the fun of it.

and then i needed to grind off the grit and rust and gunk.

that's nice and loud too with more sparks.
and my gosh......under the rust and gunk is just this
gorgeous shiny silver.

it was so pretty.

the guys came wandering out as i was putting the pieces
in the clamp. i proudly showed them what i had done.

i swear, honest to pete, they looked like they were dealing
with their daughter instead of their mother. you could see
that they didn't want to squelch my enthusiasm but weren't
thrilled i was out there using the saw alone in the shed.

when i rolled my eyes at their overprotectedness, they reminded
me that i wouldn't let zakk work out their alone with that stuff
for a long time.

oh yeah.

and zakk pointed out that he was way less likely to get distracted
by seeing angels in the stuff and that he was prolly a safer bet
to be alone.

oh yeah.
okay.
okay.

and then.........

it was time for the really adorable green and white polka dottted
hat which you wear backwards to protect your neck.

i remember the first time i saw bob in his polka dotted hat, backwards,
i thought he was the cutest thing. and i was surprised he was so fun
with the hat. he's usually pretty conservative. ahhhh...little did i know
that it was a welding hat.

and my gosh, welders must just be fun. they have the cutest hats.

hat on.
googles.
those really big gloves that i really can only wear one because
i can't move my hands in those things....

and we were ready.

striker.
poof!

i have never heard a poof that thrills me like this poof
thrills me.

noah stood next to me, talkin' in my ear.
guiding me with his words.
remembering the things i had read to him from the welding
book, he repeated into my ear as i welded.

i welded.

i melted metal again.

oh my gosh.

i think i'm in love with welding.........
i feel head over heels in love.
what an incredible feeling.
and there's not even a guy involved.
seems a whole heck of a lot easier this way!!!

when we were all done, i took a little piece of metal
i had cut from the big metal stick. it's as long as my
hand. rusty and grimy. the two ends are shiny as i used
the grinder on them. i showed it to zakk.

'i'm taking this in. i'm gonna carry this around. i just
love this thing.' i said.

and without missing a beat, my gorgeous son smiled at me
and said 'it's your power stick.'

i smiled, squeezed my stick, and agreed.

heading in, i thanked them up and down.
they are giving me a new love.....

and i gotta say.......it feels good to be so smitten.

totally moved

a very special person sent me excerpts from 'the invitation'
by oriah mountain dreamer.

there were three great paragraphs and they all just hit
me between the eyes. all three of 'em.

and i'm sure all three will end up here being shared.
but the first one.......this one i sat and reread this morning.
my gosh i so needed to read this. i really feel just like
this and then....i get lost in stupid things. it's amazing
how easily i get sidetracked....

thought it would do me good to type it out and share it.

'when i imagine myself as an old woman at the end of my life
and ask myself how i will evaluate my time here, there is only
one question that concerns me: did i love well? there are a
thousand ways to love other people and the world - with our
touch, our words, our silences, our work, our presence.
i want to love well. this is my hunger. i want to make love
to the world by the way i live in it, by the way i am with
myself and others every day. so i seek to increase my ability
to be with the truth in each moment, to be with what i know.
this is what brings me to the journey. i do not want to live
any other way. and sometimes, i allow myself to imagine that
each moment in which we love well by simply being all of who
we are and being fully present allows us to give back something
essential to the sacred mystery that sustains all life.'

this totally moves me.
and reminds me of what it is i want to be doing.
and helps me put down all the junk i pick up along the way....

thank you, laura, for sending this my way...

there comes a time...

ohmygosh........

so this magic i was workin on.......
hmmmm....well in about 15 minutes, i blew it
and lost my cool with someone who drives me nuts.

and while i thought i prolly shouldn't have....
i gotta say it was just what i needed.
it was like something that was blocked inside of
me got unblocked.

bam.
poof.
i felt soooooooo much better.

and then i ran up to meet my friends for coffee.

i was gonna tell them the story. i pictured my arms
swinging wildly as i explained the bam/poof part
- but there was too many other things to talk about.

she greeted me with great news about stuff in her life.
and we dug right into that.

and the best part......the best part........
was this.....

i was feelin' unblocked and so much better, but still
not quite where i wanted to be. but i was quiet about
it. there was other things goin' on.

and my one friend leaned over to my other friend.
she got tears in her eyes and she told her that 'no
one is gonna do it for you. no one is gonna hand it
to you. there comes a time when you just know that
it's yours to take and you have to take it.'

all three of us teared up.
and as my other friend responded to her,
my insides just kind of opened up.
like they needed to open.

they so needed to open.
and there it was happening.
right there in the coffee shop.

and my friend had no idea she was talking to me too.

when i hugged her goodbye i told her she inspired
the daylights outta me.

i think i shoulda said she inspired the daylights
INTO me.....

cause i sure feel the magic right now......

there comes a time when you just need to know that it's
up to you. no one's gonna hand it to you. no one's
gonna do it for you. it's up to you to make it happen.