smilin'

i thought of her this morning.
she's traveling a lot right now.
in and out of town.
was tryin' to figure out if she was home yet.

a few hours later, she called.
in town. came in last nite.
leaving again tomorrow.

'so. how ARE you?' i asked her while i had her in my
grasp for a few minutes.

she immediately launched into a story that involved
her feeling like she had ashes falling from her.
(in a good way)

i grinned and listened and ohhhed and ahhed and
was delighted for her.

'so. how about YOU?' she asked me.
'well, funny you should mention ashes' i said to her.
and i launched into my white tree story.

she launched into another of hers.
a great visual of growing her self worth.

we marveled how all this was going on at the same time
for each of us.
there were so many similarities it was amazing.
including the wacko visuals.

and then i laughed and pointed out how we always
seem to go straight to the weird stuff together.

making plans for a real catch up later, we said goodbye.

i went back to work with the biggest smile on my face.

i know i rave a lot about girlfriends.
but seriously, there is nothing like them.
and ones you can be weird with at a drop of a hat?!
oh man, those are the best......

a quote

i got this quote out of brene brown's newest book,
'the gifts of imperfection' and loved it......

it's from bell hooks:

'to begin by always thinking of love as an action
rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using
the word in this manner automatically assumes
accountability and responsibility.'

the growth begins...

i gotta say this whole white tree visual is working for me.
i walked this morning and thought 'okay, what are you going
to do this week to grow your white tree?'

i thought about how i had done some good stuff with my guy
this weekend and now it was time i turned to me and did
some good stuff with me. on my relationship with me.

as i thought of it, i realized that i needed to 'unhook'
from my guy. i could actually visualize a hook that i got
snagged with a lot. that was part of our dance.

he's got some stuff goin' on that really takes a lot of
his energy. this isn't unusual for his life. and i tend to
get snagged into it all with him and there's this dance
that doesn't do me any good. i kinda get pulled into a
current i don't want to be in.

it's my doing. no one else's.
it's up to me to unhook.
no negative feelings of any kind.
he doesn't need me hooked in.
i don't want to be hooked in.
no one's asking for it.
it just happens.

it's part of the way i work when i'm not concentrating.
it's like a default place for me. it's where i land.
and it's not helpful.
it's without boundaries.

it's prolly part of the stuff that burned the white tree
in the first place. this landing in this spot and not
realizing i'm getting 'hooked' into other people's stuff.

hmmmmmmmmm........how cool is this?

i saw it as clear as day.
all you have to do is unhook and think about what grows
that tree of yours the best, ter.
and even just the act of 'unhooking' grows it!

it was that plain.
and for the moment, it's that easy.
i figure when i feel the pull to hook up to his craze,
i'll just visualize that white tree...and keep the hooks out
of it all.

it gives me somewhere to focus.
what's going to grow me right now?
what a great place to focus.

and as i've seen over and over again....the very act of
focusing on that will be where the growth begins.

an amazing journey together....

i'm filling orders right now.
one included prints with these quotes.
i stopped, read them and thought of yesterday.

'he wasn't the past.
and she knew that.
altho, sometimes she got muddled.
but he never let her down.
slowly, she learned to trust.
gradually, she set the past down.
and gently,
with great care,
she held the present.
she held him.
and she held love.'


and.....


'they worked.
it hurt.
it was hard.
exhausting.
and when they were done
they had moved a mountain.
now they had space for a dance floor.'


we were talkin' yesterday of all that we'd been thru
together. doin' some reminiscing. good stuff. stuff that
made you laugh. mixed in between that stuff was the hard
stuff. but we weren't concentratin' on that. just the
stuff that felt really good to remember.

it felt so good to remember and laugh and feel the deep
roots of love.

i have never worked so hard on anything in my life as
i work on my relationship.

it's so hard because i'm dealing with all the stuff inside
of me. and i need to examine myself and my motives often.

as i read these quotes, i sat back again, this time just
me sitting here remembering. and i thought of the stuff
that doesn't make me laugh. the hard stuff.

if i could pick the top number one thing i love about my guy
it would be this....he's got the courage to walk the path of
real. he doesn't want anything else but real.

of course i would need that in a partner.

and it's in that journey i am finding who i really am.

as i wrap up this order, i think of that,
and i know i wouldn't trade any of that hard stuff for
anything...

it's the funny memories i want to sit and laugh about.
but it's the whole darn thing that i hold and treasure
for the gold that it is.

the white tree sprout...

it was like it was quiz day yesterday....
pop quiz day.

it was the day for me to take all this stuff i'd
been reading and apply it.

and i am way tickled to say.....i did it!

a big hurdle for me in my good ol' significant other
relationship is to learn how to offer help in the way he needs it,
not the way i need to give it.

that's tangled me up on many occasions.
if it's a girlfriend, i know exactly what to do.
and it goes smoothly.
but if it's my independent, very masculine guy,
it's usually something counterintuitive for me.
and i get tangled. and then my own issues come tumbling in...
they really do. and they cloud things up a lot for me.
and then well, it just doesn't work all that good.

but yesterday i actually sat and thought 'okay,
what is it that would help him here?'

mix in with the complete trying to see who he was and
what he needed, there was no agenda about getting my own thoughts in,
having anyone see anything my way, me wanting anything back....
i was there to help HIM. not who i wanted him to be. not who i
thought he should be. but HIM.

i had JUST finished a great book, 'a book for couples.'
it was totally in my thoughts.

and i kinda stepped back and watched myself as we went along.
only one thing tweaked my buttons. i saw it. said nothing.
then when i had some time to myself, i figured out why.
definitely stuff from the past.

i reminded myself he was present, not past. and that
if i just brought this to him and showed him what was up in me,
he could affirm that everything was okay.

which i did.
and he did.

ha!
it was amazingly easy.
i believe in him and trust him.
that helps a lot.

i've been watching, and conversing about and thinking about
relationships a whole ton lately. really really really been
watching and thinking and reading and thinking and thinking
and thinking.

so many of my trip ups are from me not seeing what's really
going on. not seeing things for what they are cause they don't
fit some picture i have inside of me. and then i throw in all
kindsa issue stuff on top of that and well......i trip a lot.

i'm working on putting the pictures down.
i really am.

and this is the big thing.....
i think yesterday doing all this helped me with providing
sunlight for that white tree of mine to grow back.
(that's a few blogs down, and real important to my inner
work right now)

i thought all day about my white tree.
about pushing the ashes off and letting the sun warm the spot.
knowing my significant other is present, not past is like
flooding that spot with sunshine.

and the watching and being present with what was really going
on all day, the watching and understanding of my motives,
the watching and believing in myself all day...
was exactly the kinda stuff i need to be doin' right now.

the pop quiz was really like food for the white tree sprout!
how cool is that?!

and the women gather...

i was driving up to meet them.
and i was thinking of their stories.
things they were dealing with in their own lives.
the themes run the same no matter what the situations.
i figured that out years ago.
people with completely different stories would relate to the bone sighs,
sure that i had the same thing going on in my life that they did.
sometimes it was true.
but mostly it was just the themes matched.

i went thru theme after theme as i drove.
self forgiveness, acceptance, letting go, making peace with,
learning to love - ourselves and our partners, seeing ourselves.

i figured all of those were runnin' thru me now and in a 45 minute
drive, that was enough to mull on.

bob often will make a point of making eye contact and staring straight
into me while he says very seriously 'just think about driving when you
go out today, okay?'

i always agree.
and then the clouds shine bright ahead of me, or the trees wave from
the side of the road and call out 'remember the self forgiveness?' and
off i go....

and so my mind was full of thoughts as i traveled.

and there we sat. four women sharing stories, thoughts and questions.
women are amazing creatures.
and if men could really see all that was packaged in there, they would
be astounded and cherish us all the more.
maybe they can't see it all because part of our dynamic comes alive
when we sit and share with other women.
men can't be present for that.

but we see it.
and the older we get, the clearer we seem to see it.
and the more i can sense the treasuring of all involved.

there was only one emotion i couldn't step into.
i felt myself step sideways.
it touched on some unresolved anger....nah....unresolved rage
that i had. and haven't known what to do with.

one of the women was holding something very similar, only what
i would have to figure is way way deeper and bigger.

i knew if i stepped in there, i'd be opening a can of worms
for myself right now.

and yet, i generally know, that when the worms start stirring,
they'll be out soon. i figure it must be time.
i took note inside myself.
this will be back.
you haven't finished with this yet, ter.

what's interesting to me is it's rage mixed with extreme sorrow.
and for me, when i feel it, i just get so far from any kind of acceptance.
i don't know how to balance it all out.

and then, what kinda amazed me, was the next topic that went around the
table was one of those stories that makes your eyes get wide and you
wonder about all the connections of life. you gotta scratch your head
and wonder about some of the twists that scream there's more going on
here than you can figure out.

how do you mix that in with the things in life that seem so wrong?
i thought that the topics coming back to back was a great thing. it
was a neon sign flashing for me - there's more there than you'll ever
know, ter. even with things that feel so terribly terribly wrong.

i thought a lot about love on the way home.
all kinds.
significant others, friends, kids, ourselves...all kinds.

i could actually FEEL this big cord that attached me to the people
closest in my life. i could feel it. and lately, it feels like it's
just been getting stronger and stronger.

i thought of that as i drove.
there is strength in this path you're on, ter.
there is.
there is muscle building in the thoughts, growth in the pondering,
and all the while, thickening of this cord you feel connecting you
to those you love.

it hasn't been easy lately.
but today, sitting here, reflecting on the conversation of yesterday,
it sure feels like it's all been worth it.

raising my orange juice to women everywhere and this journey that
we're all traveling!

stephey

have i shared stephey before???
if not i need to!

and she's got a blog thing goin' that i think a lot
of you other bloggers would like to hop on in on!

go check her out and hop in if you feel like playing!

where the growth is coming...

okay, the weirdest thing just happened.
i was on facebook tryin' to figure out some darn setting
that i can't get right. as i'm doin' that, i'm goofin' around
with whoever pops in. and i started out with that frame of mind.
just goofin.

but then it took a turn for me.
the subject was trust.
i commented that i felt it today.
(which feels real good...haven't lately)

and then someone commented back.

and then that topic led to me thinking about this quote:

'maybe grace is figuring out it's not all about you.
that people are doing what they're doing for their own reasons.
not yours. and maybe grace is accepting that.'

now here's the cool thing......
this white tree stuff i've been thinking about
(see post below)
i have watched and i'm really really not in the pit of blame.
i've been there.
done that.
i'm not sitting here thinking 'this person did this to me,
and this person did that'

i see a big ol' collective thing that added up in a certain
way. so i'm not even thinking about that stuff.

i'm thinking about growing my tree back.

then this quote comes to mind.

i remember the long struggle with trying to let go of
the blame. tryin' to be okay with where people were.
tryin' so hard to 'accept' where they were.

i still have stuff inside me. i know that.
i can think of someone in particular and still react.
but the thing is... that's life.
if it wasn't this person or that person, it'd be
that person over there, or this thing over here.

that's life.
it's part of the whole darn deal.

and i don't really care about that right now.

i care about growing my white tree again.

and that...that right there...feels way important.
it's taken me a long long time to get here.
and like i say, there's still stuff inside of me with
some people....

but mostly...mostly....that stuff is just side stuff.

last nite i worked on getting the black ash off where
the tree would sprout again.

i pushed off the ashes and burnt stuff......and i'd
push it towards certain people. just push it their way
and say 'here....you take this.......this is yours.'

and i just kept pushing it away.

i knew where i had to give it back to.
but i didn't stay there.
where i wanted to be was where i could picture the
tree sprout coming forth. that place. right there.

where the growth is coming.

white

i posted the blog below and got up and walked thru
my living room. glancing out the window i saw the
albino squirrel. (we have one in the neighborhood)

i stopped in my tracks.

look!
right there.
the white squirrel.

i thought of my white tree (post below)

i'm taking that as a really really good sign......

makin room for sunlight

we decided to grab a quick tea at panera before
we got goin' for the day. we put our heads together
on what business we got goin' and how we're gonna
approach it all, and generally these tea breaks are
a great start to productive days. the caffeine helps too.
we egg each other on and then we go hit our days.

so there i sat with noah and zakk.
when noah turns to me and says 'you know, you haven't
really filled us in on what's been goin' on inside you
the last few days.'

i smiled. 'thought i'd spare you a bit' i said.

zakk chimed in that they'd like to hear.
i looked at him. he's a good egg.

gave them the reader's digest version.
which included this.....

'the way i can best describe it is like i walked up to a door
and opened it and it opens to this whole big out doors and
a completely charred, burnt building or something. it's gone.
demolished. black bits left. and while i knew that was there,
i hadn't ever seen it before.'

'it's one thing to know about something. it's a whole different
thing to see it.'

'and somehow that's at my base and i gotta do something with that.'

the guys are great. they're used to conversations like this.
which tickles me to no end.

as i tried to explain generally, briefly, where i thought it
came from, i told them i didn't know how to start rebuilding it.

noah looked at me so serious and countered the visual.
saying that it seemed more like it would be a building that
was built up that i had to knock down.

i nodded in total agreement.
'for ten years that's where i've been operating from.' i said.
'but something's different. that wasn't right. i don't get
it, but i know now that's not right.'

and then.....in trying to make some sense of it to him,
i made sense of it to me.

this is what finally surfaced from the thoughts i offered him...

it's like we're all born with these gorgeous trees in our
subconscious realm. we all have these gorgeous big strong white
trees that are majestic and just reach to the heavens. they're us.
they're the symbol for us.

we all have that tree.

and it's like my tree (and prolly most people's trees) has been
hacked, burned, demolished.

it's like i can just see this black stuff there on the ground.
some stubble sticking up. black. charred.

and suddenly......everything changed.

i kinda sat there and my breath was taken away.

it was a tree.
not a building.
it had life in it.
it wasn't an inanimate object.

i didn't have to find the cement and the bricks and
the beams.

sun and rain and warmth and nurturing would make it grow again.
sure, it wouldn't be that majestic big white tree to begin with.
but it could grow back into that.

i would have help.
the help of nature. of the universe.
i wouldn't have to build it.
not all alone.
i would just have to nurture it.
water it.
make sure it got sunlight.
let the wind blow over it.
pay attention to how it's doing and care for it.
tend it.
but not manufacture it.
it's there.
i don't have to manufacture it.

i can't tell you what a relief that was when i figured that out.

and i could feel this whole excitement build inside of me.

i've been lost on how to do this on my own.
and i don't have to.

i just have to tend it.

i am so moved by this.
i need to come up with a daily ritual of tending it.
i really think i do.

can't you just see it?
the big huge gorgeous white tree that is you?
it's in all of us.
burnt, charred, hacked, sawed, carved....
it's still there.

the first thing i'm doin' today is pushin' all the black
gunk off of it. making room for sunlight.

that's the first thing i'm doin.......

an odd walk

was an odd walk.
hadn't gone but past maybe one house when i saw a teen age girl
walkin' up the road towards me. school books in hand.
'you walkin' to school?' i asked her.
and indeed, she was tryin' to make her way there after missing
the bus. thinking maybe she could snag a girlfriend altho pretty
sure they had already gotten on at their stops.

offering her a ride, i scooted back in and got my keys.
the high school isn't right around the corner. it's a bit of
a drive. and so i introduced myself and snuggled in for a chat.

she's a senior so we talked of where she was going and what she
wanted to do.

she told me of some scores she got on some tests and she started
with what the lowest number allowed was to consider passing, and then
told me her scores. they were low. one just barely above the low
grade allowed, one just under. she'd have to take that again.

i encouraged her and we kept going.

dropping her off, i headed back home thinking i'd probably skip
my walk.

nah.
i could use one, i thought.
i'll just make it a bit shorter.
keys jingling as i walked, i stepped into the road.

and so i walked.
and i thought of all that had been whirlin' inside of me.
and how just a month ago i was so on board about hopping
into life with two feet. and now, a month later, i've
tripped over my feet and fallen flat on my face.

it's truly what it's felt like.

but i wasn't full of panic this morning like i had been
yesterday. instead of freaking out over confusion on how
to build a demolished building, i honestly see a chance
to lay one heck of a foundation. for real.
not just one with pretty words.
but one for real.

and while i still think it's exhausting, i want to do it.

it's my foundation.
who i am.
what drives me.
what i believe about myself.

and it's about time.

i walked up my driveway. looked at my car parked there.
saw the 'honor yourself' sticker on it.

thought of the girl i had just dropped off.
she could do so much better than she's doing.
i know she could be learning so much more and applying it.
i could tell by talking to her.
and yet, she starts by telling me what the low scores are
and then ranking herself.

i thought of her foundation.
i wondered what it was.

i shook my head as i walked in the door.
this honoring yourself stuff...
it's big.

it's really really big.

i had no idea when i started.
i just had no idea.

wisdom

several signs pointed to how severe i was feeling it.

i decided to copy all my cd's onto my computer.
that was something i thought would never happen.

bob stopped by, gave me his wisdom and left.
he was dead on right in what he advised, and i
hated him for it. (well, not really, but you know what i mean...)
i spent a long time grumbling to myself about how he was the
wisest person i knew and it made me crazy.

and when i finally had time to sit with the book that was
going to be directly speaking to me and my fears, i figured
it wasn't the time to read it. just decided not to.

that's where i stopped myself.
'okay, woman. you're gonna look at that book.'

and so i did.

there's too much to even put here.
but i'm gonna grab some of it.....

'give fear room, a hearing, and a cradle:
before you try to fix it, you have to let it happen fully.

....To have to become different only destroys self esteem.

...The hero is not one who eliminates fear, but one who finds
a way through it, by feeling it, facing it and over-riding its
tendency to stop him.'

and then he hit the love stuff.

'the more i let myself feel my feelings, the more do i expand
my capacity to feel. this is how i nurture myself effectively
so i am less likely to look for anybody to fulfill me or fill me.
....now i can love needlessly. love will no longer mean you are the
right size doll for my cut-out collection, but: you are who you are
and i correctly assess and respect your dimensions.'

'we will never get over our fear until we love ourselves.'

and then this........

'what we are holding my be inconsolable based on authentic
inconsolable experiences of childhood.....
no amount of self-parenting or therapy can reverse or eliminate
the inconsolable part of us. true health is in accepting
the irreversibility of the inconsolability.'

'freedom happens to us when we no longer look for consolation
of the inconsolable in anybody or anything.'

and all of this is what i'm taking into the shower with me.....

it's been three nites of really vivid dreams......
thinking i'll make it four......

(the quotes are from 'when love meets fear' by david richo)

what a process.....

i am bouncing back and forth between all these great books.
i'm back in the fear/love book. and i hit a part today
that made my eyes get big.

it's about anger.

i don't like it when people are mad at me.
well, i mean, who does?
but i know i have this anger thing.
an anger issue.
and i thought i had it all figured out.
if you're raised a certain way and the love can be taken
away, and if the person gets mad at you and then don't
love you anymore....blah...blah...blah...
we all know the deal.

and i guess this guy is sayin' the same thing.
but the deal here is....
this whole 'revamping my insides' place that i'm at right now...
this whole whatever i'm doing has knocked me silly.

let me wander for a minute.
try to explain.
when i started my search ten years ago, i was convinced i had
to see myself. i have written numerous bone sighs about that. i needed
to see myself to regain my power. that was my belief.

well, i never really got to where i felt like i did that.
like i had originally wanted.
and i got to a point where i gave up. thinking, okay, maybe it
isn't THAT important. maybe it's even a good thing. maybe i should
be concentrating on other things.

and i kinda left that laying there.
even tho i really knew better.

suddenly, years and years later i find myself in this revamping
my insides mode. and bam! and i mean BAM! without even thinking
about it, i come face to face with some of my stuff i could never
see before.

bam.

and i know darn well this is what i meant years ago.
this is the kinda seeing i meant.

and i tell you.......
i really really really want to run.

now.
it's not that i'm some kinda ugly soul that i can't face.
and i keep tellin' myself that.
it's that i'm seeing some stuff in ways i never saw them before.
stuff about me.
stuff about what drives me.

it makes me want to cry, run, give up, throw up my hands and say it's
all hopeless.

and that really bugs me cause i've done a lotta work and thought i
had really gotten further than i have. and that really discourages me.

and then, i tell myself, it's a layer. it's yet one more layer in this
whole big doggone onion of yourself.

and 'onion' works great. cause i'm really filled with a feeling of
'this stinks.'

does this mean as we get stronger, there's harder work to do?
sure seems like it today. and this stinks.

and yet.....i do know.......that i'm seeing things like i never saw
them before. and that means i can get deeper inside me and heal in
ways i haven't before.

which leads me back to the anger topic.
(taken from 'when love meets fear' by david richo)

he's talking about someone being angry with us and how most of us
don't see the real feelings that are going on. instead we
'see the layers of drama that surround a feeling, i.e., the layers
of ego, fear, attachment, control, judgment, entitlement. these are
all forms of violation that are meant to engender fear. someone is
angry at you.'....'the angry person is playing out a theatrical version
of anger which is really a combination of judgment, expectation,
blame, threat, guilt tripping, etc. IN DRAMA, A SCARED EGO IS SEEING A SCARED CHILD.'

'why would we be scared by the ego layers of drama? because they say loudly
and clearly: you have to change, you are bad, you are wrong, you cannot
fix this for me, you are worthless.'

'it can devastate your personal power and your self esteem. each one
of the dramatic layers is a verdict that triggers some old message:
i am still at the mercy of another; i still can let other people get to
me this way, i am feeling attacked and am out-of-control, utterly defenseless.'


this doesn't seem like it should be big news.
and i guess i knew this stuff already.
but when i read his words, i just kinda sat there.
because right now i'm dealing with as honestly as i can,
my feelings of my own worth.
my own value.

and well.....let's just say on some level, they aren't as strong
as i had hoped. and i see why i really don't like anger.

my gosh.
i'm supposing that all this is going to lead me to strength and
belief.

but i tell ya....it's challenging me to say the least.

and yeah, maybe i couldn't have looked in this spot ten years ago.
maybe i just couldn't have.

i'm gonna trust the process.....
and i'm gonna keep on seeing.....

jeesh. i had no idea what i was getting myself into ten years ago...
and i laugh as i type that.
good thing.
that's a good thing.
some things you just need to kinda bump into.

grace's blog

some blogs i share because they inspire me.
some i share cause they touch me.

this one -
this one felt so darn important.
i'm sharing it because i think we all need it.

it found its way into two of my conversations last nite.
and i thought this morning that i need to point you over
there so you can read it too.

check out grace's blog...

i actually 'tweeted' this one!!!

a thought

okay.
it should be no surprise that if you're yanking the veins
outta your system and cleaning under your lungs and around
your heart (see posts a few down from here!) that you'd
have some funky dreams.

of course.
and i'm havin' 'em!

one upset me a lot. and then when i really thought about it,
it got me pretty excited. and sparked a thought.

here's the thought....and i get stuck on the 'love' word.
thought maybe i'd use a color for it.
cause see, if i say 'i can get better at love'
people respond with 'you either love or you don't.' or stuff
like that. or 'you are good already.'

and i don't know how to articulate what i mean.

so what if love is a color.
and let's be original and say it's red.
a nice deep, gorgeous red.

well, see, i think a whole lot of us, when we think we're
loving, really are only hitting a really light pink.

it's kinda like perimenopause.
you know...those years that can go on and on before you're
actually in menopause, but you get some of the symptoms.
only slighter and not quite what it really is?

that's kinda what i think most of us do with love.
we're in the perimenopause state of love.
and it's light pink.
we don't even know what the dark red is like.
we just don't.
and we go along and think light pink is it.

i think i was into light pink all the way til the divorce.
then, well, it pretty much went black.
and then i had to find it again.

and i found my way back to the light pink all right.
but i knew better this time.
i knew that wasn't where you stop.

and i think i've worked hard, looked deep, searched,
grown, and found a pretty nice darker shade of pink.

sometimes tho.
sometimes....my toes have hit the red.
and i've nodded and known.....
it's the red.
it's love.

so, the search and work continues.

now with this rewiring of my veins i'm doin',
i'm seein' something....

a very obvious, no brainer, all-capital DUH...

the color you have in one area of your life is the
color you have in all areas of your life.

you can't work on being red in the mom department,
and be okay with being light pink in another one.
you can't touch red in the partner department without
seeing the lack of red in another one.

you just can't.

and well, i think i coulda TOLD you that okay with no
problems a week ago.

but i don't think i woulda seen it quite like i do today.

and i think this has something to do with my seeing it.

the side goal changes for me.
i want to be love.
that's the main goal. the central goal.
but the perks that come with that...well, one i really have kinda
held on to is this -
if i can be love, it won't hurt anymore.

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.
that's smart.
i know.
what can i say?

but that's been in there.
it has.
might as well put it on the table.

but lately...since the operation began (the vein rewiring)
it's more like this -
if i can get good over here, and touch red, even step into red...
if i can do that over here, i can swim in it over there...
and if i start finding the red everywhere, i'll get better and
better at it and deeper and deeper into it. i'll find my way
into living in it.

that's it.
the goal of losing the hurt isn't in that.
it's about learning what i came here to learn.
for real.
no perks counted in to that.
cause well.....i'm not counting on those perks anymore.

and i don't know...seeing how it connects to my whole world -
including the part of my world i wondered if i could ever really
touch the red with - well, i'm thinking i can.

at least maybe for moments.

and that red color?
i don't think it's any kinda solid color.
it's flowing and fluctuating and rippling and there's folds of
different shades...

and i think i have to keep that in mind.

i don't have the answers.
when i step into this shade, doesn't mean it won't flow and
change into another shade.

i want this.
and i don't want it cause it'll stop the hurt.
i want it cause i believe it's where i'm sposed to be.

and crossing the border from pink to red...man, it's one
heck of a border crossing.

a bit of a rant...

so i ranted a little bit on the way home.
sometimes i rant.
it's actually a compliment if i rant in your presence.
i only do it with those i'm close to.

and well...i had just been sitting thru what felt like
five years of an event.
and if either one of these guys was taking it seriously
about their career, i was just gonna have a fit.
i really needed them to see beyond this.

my girlfriend was nominated for some awards.
my son was there for the networking.
this is their field.
a building full of their peers.

and as i sat there in the middle of this whole thing
i thought what a tough field it is.

but this event......oh my gosh.
well, it made me crazy.

i've done an event that reminded me of this one.
so it's not just them.
it's not just their field.
it's a whole lotta fields. (maybe most? maybe all??)
but did they see it??

i wanted to make sure they did.
because i didn't always see it with my own peers.

'you have an entire building filled with musicians.
it is your job to entertain. that is what you people
do. tell me then why on earth it was one of the worst
events i've ever been to?! you'd have to try to make
it that bad with that much talent in the room.'

and i mean that.

how is that possible???

and yes, i've done art gigs like this.
and no, i didn't see it quite like this.
cause i was caught up in trying to do something in my
field. in trying to pay attention to my peers.

well, ya know what? that's all such a crock.
and i could so see it when it was their field and not mine.

beyond the obvious dripping egos there was just plain
bad entertainment, and a really lousy, unimpressive,
downright maddening procedure to win the awards.

my girlfriend didn't win any.
and i thought i would have gone away really sad about that
for her. but shoot, i wasn't sad.
i was irate that her not winning might actually affect
her mood.

you gotta be kidding me?!
did you SEE what was going on?!
were you at that event?!

you don't need this.
you sooo don't need this.
don't even make the mistake thinking you do.

and that was something i did notice...
cause it's big in my field too....
a whole lotta people were taking themselves a whole lotta
seriously. when well..ya know........they really didn't need to.
they really didn't.
it woulda helped a whole lot if they didn't.

i'm easy to impress.
i really am.
specially with music.
i don't know enough to tell you if it's good or bad.
i just know when it moves me, or makes me want to dance,
or makes me feel SOMETHING.

this just pretty much made me feel completely insulted.

this morning, the very first thing i did, was put on my
friend's music. i listened to her singing my favorite song.

she's good.
she's way way good.
and that's not just one friend loving another.
she makes me proud i know her.

and if this goofy event that was everything i would not want an
event to be could even put a doubt in her mind about her talent,
well, that'd just be a darn shame.

and of course, i did what i do with these things.
i turned it on me.
and saw how i would not see the reality of the event
because i'd be caught up in the 'my field' and 'my peer'
part.....

what a shame.
i know i have done that as well.

but i think i learned something really important last nite.
not to.
just don't do that.

i don't know if it's the creative part in me - something tells
me it may be more the homeschooling mom in me.....
the part of me that's spent years trying to help bring out
the spark in my sons...
i am completely baffled on how we could get so much talent together
and completely uninspire.

and then take that seriously.

food for thought for this artist over here.
and for this liver of life.

hootin' and hollerin'.....

there is something lovely about having your girlfriend
call you with one of those 'are you sitting down? you won't
believe this.' stories.

and the hootin' and hollerin' and laughing and groaning
and carryin' on that follows.

and you know that all the hootin' and hollerin' and groaning and laughing
is the way to cope with a life that is so out of hand sometimes that
there's nothing else to do.

and you know that you have your own 'sit down, you won't believe
this story' to share too. but it's not the time.

one story at a time.

and you know that when you share yours in a few days, there will
be more hootin' and hollerin' and lauging and groaning.
and a whole lotta carryin' on. cause there will be both stories
to share by then.

you hold the phone to your ear,
you shake your head,
and you comment that 'life is so darn weird.'

and it is.
and sometimes it's just beyond any control.
but the wonderful thing is...there's that girlfriend
out there ready to share it with you.

i've seen a lot of really great stuff written on girlfriends.
and every time i read them, i nod in such agreement.

what on earth would we do without them?
and these stories of ours?
where life is just too darn weird...
well, at least they provide some real good laughs sometimes.

an overhaul

wow.
i'm doin' an overhaul.

yankin' the veins out.
cleanin' out the gunk around the heart.
checkin' under the lungs.
scrapin' the brain freeze off.

i think maybe over the years i've gotten stronger.
strike that.
i KNOW over the years i've gotten stronger.

and now.
i've come to some real cleanin' out time.

i couldn't have done it before.
had to build the muscle first.
i am positive of that.

i have this visual with me with the doc's cap on,
the mask, the gloves...standin' over me.
two me's.
the doc me. the me being operated on.

and the doc me is yanking the vein system right on out.

'we need to replace these.
nurse! i want some clean, vibrant, star studded,
wide open, freshly flowin' vein systems to stick
on in here!'

'the eyes.
we need to take this darn veil off the lens here.
there's this filter that needs to go.'

that's where i'm at.

actually, i've been doin' this work for years.
but it's different right now.

it feels really major.
really hard.
and really right.

like it's time.

why is it i have a feeling it's gonna be a life time
of cleanin' out?

i read in some book somewhere about how we have to keep
'changing our maps.'....that's how we grow.

that's what i do believe i'm doin' right now.

and this change...this one feels like i'm in on my own.
my guy's there ready to help me. i know that.
my sons, my friends, they're all around me loving me.
i know that.

but i'm the one yanking out the system and gearin' up
for a replacement.

and i'm still readin' the manual on how to do that.

think i'll be bent over awhile in concentration.
this vein hooks up here. this piece of heart gunk gets
scraped off with this tool here.

i'm kinda nervous.
and yet, feel like it's about time.

scalpel!

rainbow hair

ohmygosh....
so i'm sitting there.
completely lost in thought.
my head bowed down over my knees.
i have just a little stoop for a porch.
so i sit on one step, my knees come up to my
face from the next step...if i kinda crouch over.

so there i am crouched.
thinking.
and i start watching my hair blow back and forth
in the wind...
and i look at the light dancing on my hair.

and then....
and then.....

i see these sparkly colors on my hair.
pinks. and greens and iridescent colors.
just sparkling.

i hold my hair and start looking at it.
it's as if i'm made of rainbows or something.

i smile
ohmygosh.

the stars.
the stars inside of me.
the light.
the light inside of me.

it's so here.
it's poppin' out my hair.

i feel the wind, the sun,
and the light.......

and i had to come in here and type it out.
before i go away for the day.......

a reminder....
to all of us....
of the light inside.
that's so darn bright it won't just stay inside.
it has to pop out where it can.

how cool is that?!

breakfast with the wind

i'm not real big on showin' myself compassion.
it's not that i don't think that's of major importance.
it's that it's not my natural thing to do - yet.

when i remember, i try to do it.
and sometimes it just happens, and that always delights me.
but i usually have to remember it and concentrate on doing that.

but i have different modes i usually land in......

things like struggling with where i'm at.
or tryin' really hard to shift my energy and focus on
things that will make me feel better.
stuff like that.

the fact that i have major trust issues was in my face
big time yesterday.

sort of like i had a neon sign attached to a stick attached
to my head, and it was hanging down in front of my face.

flash.
trust issues.
flash.
major ones.
flash.

i tried all the usual things when i saw how low my energy
was and how hard it was for me to concentrate and go where
i wanted to go.

i wasn't showing myself compassion.
but something i was doing was thinking 'well, for pete's
sake look at this. OF COURSE YOU DO.'

maybe that is compassion.
or the start of it.
thing is, i was still pushin' for feelin' better.
wanting to fix everything in my life and have a life of
a person who doesn't have major trust issues.

yeah.
good luck with that one, ter.

this morning i just feel compassion for myself.
i'm not even trying. i didn't wake up saying, okay,
today's compassion day.
it's just plain ol' there.

it's not feeling sorry for myself.
because truth is, i think this stuff is gonna get me far.
i really do.
i thought of someone on the edges of my life, who i swear,
more than once i had wished would just fall off the planet.
and i know, deep in my heart, that their presence has grown
me like i could never have believed. and apparently, will
keep on growin' me.

so i don't honestly think i'd change the script or anything.
if you feel that way, i don't think you tend to feel sorry
for yourself. cause you know it's all workin' out okay.

even when it can feel pretty sucky.
you know that's part of the road.

i got that part down pretty good.
it's the just sitting and holding myself that takes some time
for me to get to.
just sitting, holding myself and sayin 'well, missy, you need some
love. and i'm gonna give it to you. real, honest to goodness love
you can see and understand and trust.'

what a cool thing to do for yourself.
and it's windy out.
kinda like the universe is callin' for me.
i'm gonna go sit on my stoop with my breakfast, and love myself
and let the wind hug me.

trust.
i think it's gotta start inside me.
and i think i've been lettin' that slip a bit lately.

a kick start.....

if you don't know her,
you should.

if you're havin' a rough moment....
slouched in your chair...
energy low.....

this will help you sit up.

it did me.

and now i'm doin' more than sittin' up......

thanks, dani.....
you rock my world.......

go check out dani's blog

full

i quit early.
was gonna just snuggle in and relax.
walked into my dark bedroom to close the shades.
i reached for the cord before i really got in front
of the window.

arm up, reaching, i looked out the window and
bam.
smack in my face was the moon.

woe.

look at that.
my arm fell to my side.
and i just stood there and looked at her.

okay.
i'm gonna go sit with her.

leaving the shade up,
i turned and headed for my little front stoop.
sat down outside and just looked right at her.

soaked her in.

think i'll climb up on the roof and take pictures of her, i thought.

ran in to tell the guys the moon was out and i was heading to the roof.

mistake.

i forget.
they have a real problem with me and the roof.

i back pedaled.
oh no.
not me.
not the roof.
oh no.

'mom, do you know that you really don't get any closer with
the picture on the roof??'

'yeah, but i FEEL closer.' i answered.
but oh no.
not me.
no roof.

i scuttled down the stairs thinking maybe i could get up
there real quick.

slipplin' my shoes on i heard the clumps of their feet.

no.
no.
no.
'I AM FINE.
GO BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOIN'.

darn it.
why don't i know better???
i was just so excited, i forgot they'd have a problem with it.

zakk grins at me and says 'well, *i* want to take photos of the moon.'
noah innocently says 'well, if EVERYONE ELSE is taking pictures, i want
to take some too.'

defeated, i just head out the door.

i'd given up on the roof.
i'd just go wander and take shots.
they come out with their stuff.
noah lends me his really nice lens. hooks me up on his tripod
and i start dancing with the tripod all thru the street.

how about here??? i say excitedly....
and over here?!!
and look! look! look at it from this view?!
i'm walking quickly all over the place with the tripod and
camera like my dance partner.

the temperature was beautiful.
the nite was perfect.
and the moon was talkin' to me.

the guys had joined in the mood.
no one could resist that nite.

we stayed out a bit.
the three of us and her.

well, she stayed out all nite.
we came in.

i was full with her.

how perfect is that, i thought when i went to bed.
i'm full with the full moon.

she was exactly what i needed.

throwin' them a coconut....

so josh alienated someone on my behalf today and
i think normally i'd be uncomfortable with that.
but i don't know...i gotta say...i loved it today.
i just loved it.

now i gotta throw in there that i finally, finally
got my period after a nice long edgy build up to it.
and now nothing's bothering me and lots of things
are amusing me that shouldn't.

and i prolly should try to balance out a bit.
but ya know.....who the heck cares. i'm liking feeling
amused instead of edgy.

i wish i could keep this forever.

the guys are pretty protective of me.
and josh was havin' an angry moment anyway, and well,
he just wanted this guy to keep his distance.
so he pretty much let him know that.

ya know, mostly i want to be an independent woman.
but sometimes...sometimes...i gotta say, it's nice
to have that testosterone rear up and watch out for you.
sometimes that just feels so darn good.

as i was still kinda grinnin' about all this, noah
approached me. he noticed the amused mood and hoped it
might be a good time to break some family news to me
that he knew had the potential to send me thru the roof.

he told me.
my eyes got big.
i was stunned.
and then i laughed.

'you're kidding me?!"

i realized the potential stress on noah and quickly made
sure he knew i was okay. i was really, really okay.

and i know he was looking for the right time to tell me.
he, also, was lookin' out for me.

i looked out right back, wanted to make sure i took care of
him too, and put him at ease. and this time i didn't have to
force the correct words. this time all i did was laugh.

and i've been walkin' around grinnin' ever since.

you know what?
there's a whole lotta people out there i don't want to be like.
a whole lotta people.

they can all have each other.
they really can.

and that just feels good.

i think they can go sit on that island i was talking about in the post
below.

think i'm comin' off that island and takin' back my neck of the woods.

that just feels more right.

i have an island that's perfect for these other guys.
i even left 'em a few coconuts!

pass me the coconut please...

she called to tell me where she was.
'ahhh, it's head games' i thought.

that's what i call the place she was in.
and i know it well.

you get conflicting messages, you can't tell what's
real anymore, you feel confused and your gears jam up.

know that place???

that's the land of head games.

i nodded vigorously altho she couldn't see that.
she was on the other end of the phone.
i told her i got it and understood, and i wasn't kidding.

and who knew? i was going to join her.

this morning i find myself on what feels like an island
in the land of head games.

i don't particularly want to be on this island.

i made the mistake of letting a thought run thru.
that thought became the passenger boat that took me to the island.

the passenger boat was being cleaned and fueled and pullin'
into the dock waiting for me. it was the thought that was my
boarding pass.

it was one of these - 'is it possible that what i'm
doing is this..........???'

and the possibility was about living in denial.

okay. just the thought of going back to living in denial
shoots me thru the ceiling. and yeah, today, it landed
me on the boat that's taken me to this island.

i'm really afraid i'll slip back in there.
to that way of life.
denial.

mix that in with the gear jamming confusion
that happens sometimes....

and here i sit.
looking at the coconuts and seaweed.

thinking 'nah, i'm not really here. if i just ignore it,
it'll go away.'

and i thought of her.
and how she told me what she felt yesterday.
and i thought of head games.
and jammed gears.
and reality spinning.

there's something different right now tho.
i can't tell if it's a really healthy thing.
or a really scary thing.

i figure there's nothing i gotta do.
that if i just sit back and trust the process,
it all plays out anyway.

healthy or scary? i just don't know.

what did i tell my friend yesterday???
my mind scrambles for my own advice.

'just be gentle with yourself, treat yourself good,
and don't even worry about it today.'

i think it was something like that.

hmmmm....
there seems to be one palm tree here for shade.
think i'll go sit in the shade...
and see what washes up my way.

coconut milk anyone?

your mind

noah's my psych guy, ya know?
he loves jung and reading about psych and talkin'
about it with me.

he popped up this vid for me this morning.
and it looked a little creepy to start.
i was already off kilter about a sad call i just
hung up with.

i looked doubtful.
'am i gonna like this???'

he said 'just think of it as your mind.'

hmmmm....okay.........

oh my gosh....i loved it!!!!!!!!!!
so......think of it as your mind.........
and see if you love it too........

woe.
that's a bit big!! oh well....what the heck......

a mirror

my eyes got big as i read her note.
and my whole being was one big 'huh??'

she reads my blogs.
and has written before that she's not on board
with my theory of 'choices.'
i believe life is choices and it is with our choices
that we create our lives.

she's written me before disagreeing with this theory.

at first, i figured it was because she thought i meant
that even illness was a choice.

and i don't mean that at all.
not at all.

i mean HOW YOU DEAL with what you get handed is a choice.
not that you chose to have the illness, or the abuse,
or the rotten whatever.
i'm not saying that at all.

i'm saying how you handle those things......that's where
the choices are.

granted, some are such huge hurdles, the choices may have
to be just tiny ones that seem like mountains.
things like 'i will get up today.'
that's a choice.
and i get that there are different scales depending on
what's goin' on in your life. AND that not every day is
beautiful and your best.

so i thought i had kinda explained that, and she'd be on
board with me.

and when i got her note last nite, i was stunned and at
the same time kinda tickled.

it occurred to me that she didn't know.
she just didn't know.
she's a poster child for choices!!!
she's a shining example of what i'm talking about!!!

she's dying.
not only that, she's dying from a disease she got from helping
someone.
that seems like that would double suck.
that just so would double suck.

top that off with her parents.
she's got parents that i wouldn't wish on anyone, an upbringing
that told her she was stupid and worthless.
i guess i shoulda thrown that in first.
cause she left that environment, dedicated herself to something
she loved, became great at it, and offered her talents to the
community in so many meaningful ways. she married a guy that i have met
and truly love. has been happily married for years and years and
years and is now facing dying. every day is a struggle.

and yet...she manages to call me when she thinks i'm having a hard time.
she writes me and checks in, she gifted me with soft fluffy towels
when she read i wished i had some. she treats my problems with the
weight of someone who cares. when she could easily say 'what the
heck is your deal, ter??? at least you're healthy.'
she doesn't do that. she listens and understands and offers me love.

i've watched her be there for mutual friends, being generous with
her time and her resources. she works on writing to
offer to the world, tries her best to help her family deal with her
illness, gives all she can to her children. makes healthy boundaries
with her parents, and really really gives that the most thought and
love she possibly can.

i have seen her live love.
over and over and over.

when she really coulda just chosen not to.
i have watched her choose love on a regular basis.

does she not know????

i'm not exactly sure, but i think she was hung up on having a bad
day and not being able to get up that day, or maybe having a day
where she felt sorry for herself. or something like that. and
maybe she thought those were choices i meant, that they weren't
'good' choices.... and that that wasn't fair of me.that somehow
this theory sets up judgments.

and if it was what i meant, then that would suck.
but that's so not what i mean.

you can't get outta bed on a day you feel miserable.
you lay in bed crying and feeling sorry for yourself and wish
someone would reach out more to you. you feel lonely and angry
and want everything to be different.

of course you do!
for all kindsa things in life.
of course you do!
and those days, and those moments are part of the journey.
those are gonna happen, and they need to be there.

it's the getting up the next day, it's the putting the anger down
after awhile, it's the reaching out to a friend even tho she let you
down...THAT'S the choices.

my friend who doesn't get my theory, lives my theory.
my friend is one of the most beautiful people i know.
and she's been dealt one stinky hand. i really think she has.
and thru that stinky hand that she's trying to cope with...
i see her beauty.

she's grown in more ways than i can even know.
and she's chosen that.

i admire her for that.
and i cherish her for that.

and i bow down to her spirit.

how amazing to me that she didn't see it.
and how tickled i am to try to show it to her.

holding up a mirror for her....and hoping she's looking in it right now.....

so okay, i'll try harder...

she so totally made me laugh and fill with love with her all at once.

i had called to fill her in on something i felt i needed to tell her.
something that i feel really really stupid and embarrassed about.
she, of course, was great. and loved me thru it and understood with me.

i told her i knew i needed to offer myself compassion.

and then there was a pause on her end.
and she said 'yeah, well, we know that's not your pattern.'

her tone when she said it was like 'who you kiddin', ms. ter??'

and i just burst out laughing and told her how much i loved her.

i love my friends call me on my stuff.
and that was just too funny.

okay, so i think maybe i gotta show myself some compassion.

off to work on that......

trusting again...........or trying to.....

i walked fast this morning.
one of those mornings i knew i wasn't walkin'....
i was runnin' inside.

runnin' from what someone had shown me.
i knew of his angst. knew of his turmoil.
but ya know, sometimes it's easier for me to
just kinda look a little sideways and just not too deep.
not hold it too much. kidna skirt around it.

and there without warning, i was looking as deep as i think
anyone can.

and i leaned back, sickened.

there was no looking sideways at this.

and i just didn't know what to do.

i cried a little bit, i felt sick a bit.
and then this morning i fairly ran around the block.

there's nothing i can do.
and i know that.

and so....i look at my beliefs.
and i ask myself do i really believe it's choices.
how we handle it all is choices.

yes.
i do.
it is up to us.

do i really believe by our living our own light,
that helps others?

yes.
i do.

and so i thought of him.
and i thought of me.
and how odd it was that i loved him so much.
and how i had to let go of the control freak side of me.
and how i had to know this was his.

and it was up to him.
and i can't fix it.

and that all i could do was live my own light.

and accept the darkness that is there.

yeah.
i gotta accept. cause it's there.
it's so big time there.

but.
but.
but.

i don't have this acceptance stuff down.
it's one of my biggest challenges.
i don't know how to accept darkness.

and if i challenge it by sending love, by wrapping him
in light....is that not accepting where he's at?

or is it just trying to help?

or just trying to calm my own self down?

i can't figure this stuff out.
all i know is there's this tortured soul right there
in my face...and i can't just smile and nod.
and he can't hear me speaking to him.
so i can only figure one thing out to do....
wrap him in light.
over and over and over again.

and try to remember that life is a process.
and i need to trust that process.

over and over and over again, i tell myself that.

trust the process.
trust in life.

happy valentine's day!

i came down this morning to my studio, and there sitting on
my desk was flowers, and all kindsa goodies i love...
including dark chocolate covered blueberries!
i gasped.
noah and zakk had put them there for me last nite after
i went to bed.

i flipped open my email and there was an e-card from someone
i know thru bone sighs.

i signed on facebook, and there on my wall was a happy valentine's
day wish from josh, and in my private email, a nice note from one
of bob's sons. not a valentine note...but one with love just the
same...

noah joined me for a walk and we had to detour and slip some
valentine's in neighbor's mail boxes....i felt like a school
kid passing out my valentines.

a real good start to a day celebrating love, i'd say.

i love all that fluff and fun! i enjoy this kinda stuff so much.
i like to play. i like the thoughtfulness of all this stuff.
it's good good stuff.

the love stuff tho....all the facets of love, the growing and
learning in love - my gosh, there's so much to it.

i've been thinking that no matter what spot you're in today,
i think it's important to hold on to some kinda love.

someone wrote last nite that they lost their son right before
valentine's day three years ago.

obviously, i don't think they should enjoy the holiday. i think this
time of year will be filled with pain and struggle. i only hope
that love does wrap around them. quietly. gently. and i'll be over
here sending that to her in my own way. without her even knowing it.

that's the thing....love's like that. it's there. sometimes even
when we don't feel it, it's still there. all around us.

i figured that out thru my own dark stuff. when i thought it was gone.
it was all over me. it was simply all over me. all around me.
just not in the way i figured it should be. it was only til later
that i realized it.

last nite i got into an email conversation with an old friend.
he told me he understood love, in response to my sayin' i'm just
now starting to 'get it' a tiny bit.

he told me he got it, and in the same paragraph he told me how
destructive his relationship was to both him and his wife.
same paragraph.

i had to put out that i disagree.
that destruction and love don't go together.
i don't care if he hears me or anyone else hears me.
i had to say that out loud cause that very thought makes me
shudder. i had to say it out loud for me.

i've lived the destructive stuff. i've had people do destructive
stuff and turn around and tell me they love me.

love is not destructive.
and i know we all have different definitions of what love is.
but i can't go with that one at all.

love is what wraps around us when there's destruction going on
in our lives.

that much i know.

someone else commented on not having the boyfriend and feeling
alone with that. or having the boyfriend and it just all not meeting
expectations.

oh my gosh, do i know that one! how many valentine's days just totally
flopped before i figured out it wasn't about this romantic pressure deal.
it's about spreading love.

i finally figured out it's about me spreading love to those i love.
after that, valentine's day turned beautiful. and no, it's not cause i
have a significant other. cause i gotta tell ya, he hasn't figured out
the beauty of the day yet. and i'm okay with that.

there is so much to this love topic.
no wonder it stirs all kindsa things in people today.

i want to just put out there that love is all around. all around.
and the more we go out and spread it, the more we feel it.
and if you're sad, that's okay too.
if you don't have the energy to spread it, that's okay too.
cause others do, and they will if you open to them.
it's not about romantic love...it's about human love.
painful, struggling, gorgeously deep, happy, joyous and complicated human love.

happy valentine's day!

one heck of a book

okay, so i think if i ever got this man alone,
i'd have to lock him in a room with me and never let him out!

this is the same author of the love/fear book i'm reading.
i haven't even finished that one, but figured i also needed
to be reading this one - 'when the past is present' -
(just added this to the little amazon widget...i tell ya,
these books are like gold)

in getting to the place i did yesterday (see blog below)
i opened this book looking for help.

oh. my. gosh.

gonna share some of the great lines i read....

he's talking about transference, which is what i feel i've
been doin' a bit lately.

'transference is a habit in all people regardless of their
parenting background.'.....'transference is a homing instinct
in the psyche.'......'

i liked those lines just cause i was feelin' like a great
big dork. and this helped me show myself some compassion.

'this inclination of ours can help us when
it works to reconstitute the past so that we can explore what our
hidden issues are and how they can be laid to rest.'

okay, so i liked that...give me something positive to hold here!

'it takes conscious noticing, catching ourselves in the act of
transference, slipping out of the grip of the past, and what may
be a fire walk in to the real present. psychological freedom happens
when we find the courage to enter the here-and-now reality of
ourselves and others, shorn of the decorations and detritus of our history.'

the firewalk part slipped in there? he's so not kidding.

'we do not eliminate transference; we decant it. we do not kill it
as david killed goliath. we wrestle with it respectfully as did jacob
with the angel, until it yields its blessing. the blessing is the
revelation of what we missed or lost and the grace to grieve it rather
than transfer it.'

oh my gosh.
this man so talks to me.

and the wrestling comment........i had that.....but didn't have
the words. when he read what he said...i knew that's what i'd been
feeling. and i'd been thinking that i need to wrestle.

sigh.

i'm tired.
back from a gorgeous bike ride and tired....
but feelin' tickled that i have this book right here with me.
he's gonna help me a lot.....

not stuck

well....i'm thinking apparently the time is ripe for me
to learn something here...

not once, but TWICE in less than a week i have had my
face slammed into seeing.

slammed.
and i gotta tell ya, slammed does not feel good.

both times it took a whole lotta effort on my part, but
i could see that while the current situation going on
around me certainly felt deeply a certain way, if i was
going to be truly honest and look at myself, it wasn't
that way at all.

it wasn't that way at all.

i get real real tired tryin' to untangle that kinda thing.

i have to see what it is i'm feeling, then i have to look
at what's really happening. that takes so much effort for
me, because if it feels so strongly then wouldn't it HAVE to
be the way i'm perceiving it?

i know better.

so i dive inside and go look.

i find that hard as it's not things i want to look at.
it's that old song that won't find its way out of me...
'you don't matter. you aren't seen. you can't be loved
the way you want.'

those things are really hard for me to go face.
both i times i did.

then okay, you understand that song is bubblin' up and coloring
everything.

so you gotta look at the reality.
well, that'd be a fine thing if you could just look at the reality
and say 'oh, okay, everything's fine. i'm good.'

but, for me, it just doesn't work that easy.
i get 'oh, everything's fine, this is past, it's not goin' on,
it's still in you, it feels miserable, and i can't even blame
anyone else for this misery i'm feeling. and i want to blame
someone else and make it their fault, get mad, be irate about
how i'm being treated, and go do something else.'

and that's not an option if you want to be honest.

what i got yesterday was ......wow........wow.......wow......
there's STILL a part of me that hurts soooooooo darn bad.
there's still a wound that comes up, opens up and oozes all
over me and it's a miserable feeling.

and i got this.......

there's a good chance that it's gonna be around for a long time.
that it will come up and ooze just when you least expect it.

as it did yesterday - knocking me completely off center.
completely off center.

and i got this.....
maybe it'll always be there.
maybe.
maybe it'll take a long time to go away.
maybe.

maybe that shouldn't be your focus.

maybe what you should do is keep goin', moving forward,
trusting, and feeling this all at the same time.

maybe i've been looking to moving forward by not feeling
this. that when i didn't feel this anymore i'd really
move forward. that if i could just get this all healed,
then i'd really travel.

maybe the traveling will always carry this.
and maybe when i travel, i just need to feel it, know it's
there and know it's the past not the present.
and it can still hurt and it can still make me so sad.
but it doesn't have to color anything else goin' on.

maybe i have to have the strength to carry it along and know
that it'll do it's thing. and i can handle it. and the more
i know it's not my present, the less powerful it will be.

i think i fear it's power.
i know i fear it's power.

along with fearing the sadness it carries.

i think that if i embrace the sadness, and carry that,
there need be no worry about it's power.

that's what i got yesterday.
and now, today, that's what i'm sitting with.

i will be browsing thru a book called 'when the past is present'
the line i got this morning is this....
'to be stuck is to refuse to say yes to reality as it is
and to move on from there.'

i'm not stuck....just a little slow......

questions of the day...

sometimes i can't figure out exactly which good thing i get
from bone sigh arts is the best thing. there are soooo many good things!
one of them, that really is so high on the list is the incredible
women i meet. you guys are amazing. just amazing. and to have
you to talk to and bounce stuff off of and to learn from and
grow with....well, it's beyond measure.

i just wrote a 'thinking out loud' note to a friend who was
sharing some stuff. it seemed to be similar and so i asked if
we could think out loud together. of course, she hasn't answered
yet, so maybe i shouldn't assume. but i'm thinking she will.
and hearing her part and her thoughts and her story will help
me with mine.

how awesomely cool is that?!

the thing that's on my mind from that note, and the thing that
i am going to take with me as i get myself together for the day
here is this......

when we offer ourselves whole heartedly does there need to be an
awareness inside of us that we may not get the reaction we wanted
and that that has to be okay?

that the offering itself is what matters. and not the reaction to that offering.

and if that's the case...how on earth do we manage that???

is that just more sifting thru the baggage and strings we carry with us.
do we need to know that the reaction is no reflection on our value?
is that what we're thinking when we get a reaction we don't like
and we feel bad?
is it that we feel we're not being valued?
do we feel we're not being seen?

do either of those matter?
if we value and see ourselves?
and i gotta tell ya, that sounds real pretty to me....
but realistically, i know there's a ton of work for me to do to
even get to such a cool and knowing spot.

but you know what i'm thinking? i think i want to get there.
so that's pretty much what i threw her way.
and that's what i'll be thinking about today.
the questions of the day........they do keep my mind whirling.

gearin' up...

love.
it's the month of love.
and yeah, i love valentine's day.
i heartily cheer on the month of love.
i always put in the disclaimer that it's not about
romantic love....altho it includes that.
it's about all love.

and my gosh, remember when i said sometimes i feel like
life just talks to me??

well, apparently, it wanted to talk to me about all kindsa
love and what that means to me this month.

cause....man, it's been beyond talkin'.
it's been slammin' me hard in the face, it's been lifting
me up by the seat of my pants and swinging me in the
heights....it's been playin' with me big time. some wonderful,
some not.

the other nite i felt 'stunningly beautiful.'
now, i doubt you'll hear that many times from me.
i have to work on that area of my life....i don't usually
feel beautiful. yeah, i know. i'm workin on that.

but i felt stunningly beautiful.
and it had nothing to do with my hair, or my clothes,
or any of that.
it had everything to do with my heart.

i had, i felt, offered real honest to goodness love.
real, big time, what i think love is, love.
and it left me high as a kite.

then there's the crash...afterwards....
well, that's another blog....and the next chapter on love
for me...

but the point is....i really felt beautiful.
cause i really was offering love.

that's always been a thing with me......
people will tell me i'm beautiful on the inside.
well, thanks. i appreciate that.
but what's that sayin' bout the outside of me, ya know?
i've covered this before.
while that should feel good, it usually feels like the
consolation prize.

but at this time when i felt beautiful, i knew the beauty
was coming from the inside. i knew that.
and i didn't need it anywhere else.
if you had stopped me and asked me to go look in the
mirror, i prolly woulda said it's leaking out to the
outside of me too...
but i didn't think about it.

i was just soaring in the feeling.

and i realized that i am just gettin' my toes wet with love.
just now. at almost 50.
and this celebrating that i do each february,
well, maybe each year it gets a little deeper for me.
maybe each year it grows inside of me a little more.

and it makes me so grateful for this silly holiday coming up.
cause love is my job. it's what i work at. it's what i'm
trying to learn. it's what i want to be when i grow up.

and life is tellin' me this month that there's a whole heck of a lot
of angles to it. and that i've got a whole lot more to learn about it.

so even if it slams me again, and i'm in a hole on the 14th and
tryin' to figure out what hit me, i want to remember that i'm
learning. and it's what i want most to learn ever. and that i really
am growing in love.

and that's a whole lot to celebrate!

a little baby...

oh my gosh.
i had one of the most powerful dreams i've ever had
and i have no idea what it means!

i'll be thinking about it all day and hoping something
comes thru.

no one really needs to read any one else's dreams -
so i'll spare you! but the gist was rescuing a baby...
thinking it had died....but it was still living and
holding it so close and rocking back and forth with it.

what was so powerful is i can STILL feel the feeling
that i had as i rocked. the relief it was still alive,
the love, the tenderness....my whole being filled with
that feeling.

holding this small, precious, incredibly important
little life.

it went beyond a dream it felt like my whole body changed
chemistry.

i wonder if it does. i think it does. like when you
dream something scary you wake up sweaty, right???

man.
i'm still feeling that feeling.

and all i can think of is that baby is part of me.

and i tell ya, the love and tenderness i felt towards it....
the preciousness of it.
how words don't fit what i felt.

wow.

kinda reminds me that there's so much more inside of us
than we know every day.

so so much more.

focus

something hit me a few weeks back.
not sure if i blogged about it or not as there were
fifty million things hitting me at the time.

the gist was/is this...it's really up to us what we make of
our situations.

yeah. brilliant, huh? like um....nothing new.

thing is....i REALLY saw how my attitude switch changed a ton
of things. just a ton. and i really saw it was up to me.

now....i liked this...but i think i disliked it even more.

it really puts the responsibility on yourself.
and yeah, i see that as a good thing.
and a really tiring thing.
i just wish someone would handle it all for me, ya know?
but that's not true either. bottom line is i want it that way.
and it makes me tired too.

i was wondering when i'd get my next opportunity to use this
theory when it would feel really tiring.

and i found it.

walkin' today i was thinking of it.
i have a sadness in me today. it's nothing that can't get
figured out and worked with. but that'll take time.
and right now, i just feel sad about it.

sad isn't real conducive to that energy i feel i need to
'make it all what i want.'
sad is more like, okay let's just go lay down.

so i walked and thought about it.
and didn't want to 'do' anything to turn this around.
just don't. feel like i've done a lot already and just
want a break.

so then the thought of focus came to mind.
just don't make it your whole focus, i told myself.
don't miss the colors of the morning.
i looked up as i said this.
the colors this morning were perfect.
that's the word for them.
winter perfect.
i couldn't have picked better myself, i had told myself
as i started the walk. grinnin' at the thought.

focus.
how interesting that word came up.
that's been a topic for me all week.
struggling with where different people put their focus.

ah, ter...how about you?
where will you put your focus?
on sadness?
nah.

one thing i really do have the energy for.....
putting the sadness on the shelf.
allowing it to be there.
letting it stay.
just over there.
while i focus on other things.
things that make me laugh and feel good.
that i can do.

and i think that's all i need to do.
i'm thinking in allowing myself the space for that,
the energy will come back to hop into that other stuff.

so that's where i'll start.

a great phrase...

listening to my 'dangerous old woman' recording as i drove today.
what an awesome awesome recording......

she used a phrase i loved........
had to share......

'muscular hope'

i totally forgot what context it was in.
i just love the idea of my hope being muscular....

kinda cool, huh?

another great coffee break.......

we were talkin' ages.
i was tellin' her about my deal with turnin' fifty.
she's a little older than i am so i asked her about fifty.
told her i was hearing good things about it.
she said that she got sick when she was fifty.
and she was busy thru those years....busy gettin' thru that.

i remember.
that was one heck of a time.

she said she thought the perfect age ever was 42.
she thought that's when a woman knew who she was and
could enjoy life.

forty two??? i was surprised.
and i grinned.
that's when i was trying to piece my life back together.
i was busy thru those years...busy gettin' thru that.

i remember.
that was one heck of a time.

we smiled at each other.
how funny is that?
it really all just depends, doesn't it?

the last thing we said after hours and hours of chatter
and talking and sharing was about gratitude.
about how lucky we truly were.

it was the perfect ending to the conversation.

in the car on my way home, i thought a lot about two different
things she had said to me that helped me. one personally,
one professionally. she had given me some good food for thought.

i thought of her smile and how pretty she looked.
and how lucky i was to have her.

enriching.
that's what today's visit was.
enriching.

part of her is in me tonite.
some of her thoughts, her understanding,
her beauty.

i love that.
i so love girlfriends.

talkin'......

sometimes i swear that life is just plain ol' talkin'
with me.

i was rushin' around down here tryin' to get something done
before headin' out....

fillin' an order and thinking.
thinking about life.

i've been reading over and over that a lot of us (yes,
this is me) think we can escape life's hard parts.
we fight the flow and forget that it's all part of life.
every darn bit of it. (yes, this is me)

so i'm working on being aware of that.
as i packed that order, i thought about it.
how i really need to get better about 'okay, so this is it.'

just as i was thinking that, a note came in from a friend.
it's the anniversary of her son's death. many years ago.
when he was little.

bam.

i stopped everything and looked out at the sky and bowed my head.

i came back to work shaking my head.
get a grip ter, you have no idea how lucky you are.

and i swear, i feel like life was just plain ol' talking to me.

way way enough

i was frustrated this morning.
truly frustrated.
and so i walked. fast.
except i had a sock problem.

oh my gosh.
sock problems on walks when you're frustrated -
well, it's just not good.

well, then again, maybe it is good.
cause i felt pretty silly leanin' on my neighbor's
fence slipping my foot outta my sneaker and having
it come out sockless.

ohhh chilly.

and um....well......this happened more than once....
and by the second time i was laughing.
third time i was rolling my eyes and grinnin'.

so, okay, maybe sock problems are just what you need
some days.

somewhere along the line as i was walking extra gently
so as to keep my sock on, i thought of how hard i try
at life.

i really really really try hard.

and somewhere as i stepped gently a little voice said
'just let go and show yourself compassion.'

instantly, my whole body melted.

i could just feel all this stuff just fall offa me.
(and believe it or not, my sock stayed on!)

i looked at who i was and how hard i had been working
and how much i had been offering, and i just kinda
held myself. i so needed a hug.
so i just kinda gave it to myself.

i don't have to do anything today, or be anything today.
except loving to myself.

that's it.
and that's way way way enough.

the breeze came by just then.
i love breezes.
i closed my eyes and felt it on my face,
thru my hair.

'hug me' i thought.
and it did......

sharing...

oh you guys!

someone just posted this over on the bone sigh arts facebook page....
and i loved it!

had to share! check this out!

words

as i was making my bed this morning, i got to thinking
of something i wish my counselor from so many years
ago woulda told me.

i went into counseling because my marriage was breaking up.
i thought i was there to learn how to cope with it all.

silly girl.

my marriage breaking up was just an outward sign of things
i had built that couldn't last on the foundation i had.

it wasn't about my marriage.
it was about my foundation.

if we're lucky, i think we all come to a time when that
foundation we built early on crumbles.

if we're lucky, it crumbles so much there's no standing
on it anymore.

because then, we have the push to recreate a foundation
that's true in strength, and right for us. it's not
a foundation that is built on other people's beliefs.

i wish someone woulda told me that.

i thought i had to learn how to deal with the guilt, the
fear, the anger, the resentment, the punishment, the loss,
all that divorce stuff...

and yes, of course i did.
and when you're in it, it's so consuming.
you don't really know that as you truly learn, it takes
you places.

i didn't really know, anyway.

if you open to it all, you start traveling.

i was going to say the traveling happened for me by accident.
but that's not true.
so much of my searching was intentional.
i had had enough of the way life was, and wanted to find out
what else it could be. but i didn't really know that in words.
i just knew that in some vague form of what was driving me.

words help me tho.

it's not like it woulda been a map. no one could give you one
of those.

but how encouraging would it have been to hear that it's okay
and you're building a whole new life and as you go along, you'll
just keep learning. and if you stay open it, you'll keep doin'
this the whole way. you'll keep shifting and changing and growing.

hmmmm....okay, maybe that woulda been scary.
maybe what i wanted then was to just feel happy and secure.
yeah. that's what i wanted. that's what i worked for.

silly girl.
don't you know it's everything?
happy and secure, sad and grief filled, wise and silly,
exciting and scary.

yeah, i'm still learning. but now i know....
if you're open and you want to grow, then you can handle what
comes your way. and if you handle it from your core of who
you are and who you want to be....then you're really living.

maybe what she shoulda done is bent down and whispered in my ear,
'ter, even tho you feel like you're dying right now, you just
stepped into life.'

my new widget!

ha! crazy busy morning......
with a little drive ahead of me where i hope to center
the craze inside of me......

i just put up an amazon widget! i think that's so cool!
now when i talk about a book i love, i'll stick it there.
it's not a push to buy, okay?
it's a sharing thing....i just want you to be able to check it
out right there! bam!

seriously, i need a bone sigh widget!
gotta go grab me some guys to work on that!

wanted to just point that out.
i got techie!

and by the way...i'd like to know who names these things.
i just learned the name 'dongle'
who the heck comes up with this stuff?
i wanna be on the name making staff!

woe

okay...here's a sentence i just want to put up here
all by itself and leave it alone. i think it's something
we can all read and just kinda carry quietly and think about....

'the spider weaves the bridge of pearl from within herself.'
(david richo)

a new widget on its way...

hey! hey! hey!
i just got done foolin' around with the amazon widgets.
hopefully in a few days i'll have one on the blog here!
i thought since i'm always rambling about a good book,
that'd be a fun thing to have here!

i listed my top favorite books i could think of....
which includes the two i'm reading now that i just love!
haven't mentioned one yet, but will soon as it's just
rockin' the socks off me!

if one of the books i'm talkin' about sounds great,
you can just go to their handy dandy widget!
my gosh, i need a bone sigh widget! what a great idea!

that'll be up in a few days.
just wanted to announce it.
these little things tickle me....

toying and tinkering

here's a thought that's been floating around enough that
i'm starting to notice. have even played with it just a
tiny bit. think it might be one of those things i want
to make part of my life....actually, think it could be
a WAY of life....but i haven't gotten that far with it yet.

but figured i'd throw it out here for us all to play with...

it's the idea of stepping back from the 'strings' of things
and going above that and looking at the broader picture.

in trying to think how to put this into words, a car drove
by me this morning and honked. i looked up and it was one
of the jehovah's witnesses that comes and visits me. she
had a big, big smile and was wavin' away. i really like her.
i smiled and waved back.

and then as i watched the car go down the street, i thought
she was the perfect example of what i'm trying to say.

i'm not religious at all. let alone even close to that religion.
and yet, these ladies come by and have been coming by for years.
and there's actually a love between us. they come in, we catch up
with each other, share stuff that's close to our hearts, and
really care about each other. there's bible stuff, cause that's
what they do. but it's the other stuff that just seems amazing
to me.

i easily got by the 'strings' of the religion part when they'd
come by. i'm always curious what people believe, and i like to
find out about that and then comments about god always get me
rollin' on my own thoughts, so i never minded the bible readings
or whatever they had to offer.

those things are strings. and i took the strings and went beyond them
to do my own thinking about what was goin' on inside of me.

a string tho, that i just couldn't seem to get around til really
recently was the fact that they figured i was not gonna be in
'paradise' with them cause i wasn't one of them. that bugged me.
and the people praying for my soul has always made me a bit
grouchy.

how come? this morning that was like a big 'who cares?' and
even beyond that..it was cool with me. i know they truly care
about me. i believe that. and this is really important to them,
so they want me to be included. that's okay with me. just don't
push me, which they don't, and i'm okay.

and then i thought about how that kinda thing always bugged me
cause i didn't feel seen. and i smiled. i'm gettin' way more okay
with not needing everyone in the world to see me. this is big
stuff and i think it's necessary for the string theory here.

so this morning as i walked i realized i got beyond that string.
and what i am able to see is some really caring women who are
living what they believe.

it's the broader picture that i want to act from.

a friend came to me with something going on that drives me crazy.
why? cause i get caught up in the strings. i can't believe she
can't see this or can't understand that. and the strings wrap me
up and tie me down.

when i can get beyond those strings and see a woman growing at
her own pace. a woman wanting to be loved just like the rest of
us, a woman on her journey doin' the best she can....well, everything
gets a lot easier on my end.

leave the strings, see the broader picture.

wow.
this is about as basic as you get, and i'm just now stumblin'
my way into it. i think i've lived a lot of it without thinking
about it. i'm pretty sure i have. that's how come i could get close
to the jehovah ladies in the first place.

but i know darn well i've never lived this intentionally.
and i know that this losing the need to be seen by everyone is
going to really really help in my growth.

so i'm doin' some playin' with this all.
some experimenting.
some toying and tinkering......

and i think i'm on to something.

health

i asked him about his health.
how it was goin'.

he filled me in a bit.
'so how are you doin' with all of that?' i asked.

he filled me in a bit more.

'that sounds like it'd be pretty tough,'i commented.

and then asked him what the goal was.
cause if he doesn't think he'll get better, then maybe
he needs to grieve some of the stuff he lost.
and yet, he can't really grieve if he's holdin' on to hope.

he's holdin' on to hope, he told me.

hmmmmm....bet that gets a bit tricky.

he agreed it did.

i hung up with him and went to visit my elderly neighbor.

i had been doin' my numbers quietly at my desk and she was
on my mind. i wondered if it was just a matter of time til
she fell. and i started thinking of that.

as i walked down the street, i thought of how lucky i was
i could walk down the street. i felt how easy my legs moved,
thought of the friend i had just spoken with and felt so
grateful for my steps.

as my neighbor let me in, i noticed she seemed pretty wobbly.
'you doin' okay today? ' i asked.

turns out she fell just the other day.
seemed to have really shaken her confidence.

i told her i had just been thinking about her and worried about
that...
she showed me her bruises and described having to slide herself
down the hall on her belly as her legs wouldn't get her up.

were you scared? i asked her.

interesting emotions came across her face.
her voice said no.

we visited a bit, and then i headed back home.

i had been thinking earlier how much i wanted a soda just to
kinda wake me up a bit. suddenly that soda didn't look so good.
i grabbed some water.

health.
it's absolutely nothing to take for granted.