don't even know what i'm doin'....but gonna try anyway...

and so she heads into the final round....
of what will be the start of a whole different
dark journey for her.

one dark journey will end, and another will
begin.

i sit helpless.

talk to her on the phone so lost on what to say.

ask what i can do to help.

'pray' is all she can come up with.

i'll pray.
and i'll cry.
and i'll worry.

and i'm gonna do something else this time......
i'm gonna spend some time trying to sit with
the dark and sad and difficult and honestly
try to know it's part of the cycle.

i'm gonna try not to do my usual habit of
fighting and kicking.

i'm gonna try turn a different way.

i don't know what it is, as i've never done
it before.

but i do think there's another way for me to
turn. for me to look inside and hold this.

and then........i think i can be there for her
in a better way.

that's what i'm gonna try to do.

never done it before.
don't know if i can....or even what it is.

but i know i love her enough to try.......

the monster jam rocked....

it was the monster jam...
the recital josh was hosting for his students.

i stood in the back yard, in the dark, in my
garden fairy outfit watchin' josh's students
take their turns playin' for everyone.

josh stood to the side, ready to aid anyone
who needed it while his brothers crept here
and there taking pictures of the kids.

the stage was his back porch. his dining room
with table filled with goodies lit up behind
it.

i looked at the crowd of parents and students...
i looked at josh's house lit up...
and i watched josh do his thing.

with each student, he'd tell a little something
about them before they got up, then when they
were done, he'd comment on something they did
great as they played.

one of the mom's walked by me in the dark.
touched my shoulder. i turned toward her.
she said i must be very proud to have the sons
i had....

yeah.
i really really am.

yo scooted by me hurryin' to get another
angle shot of one of the guitar players...

i smiled at him.

looked over at zakk who was crouchin' takin'
a shot from a different angle....

they had helped set up the stage.
lugged all the equipment as josh is just
gettin' over the flu.....
did all the heavy work.
now lurked in the shadows takin' pictures.

i backed up, stood under a tree and just
soaked it in.

yeah.
really really proud.

gatherin' my guts together...

i heard myself say it out loud for the first time
last nite....and i've been smiling about it ever since.

i'm not sure when exactly you start the marker of my
descent into my midlife stuff......it's prolly truly
eight years ago....but i tend to mark it elsewhere and
say it's been three years.

three years. at least that long. of that i'm sure.

and now.....finally....i honestly feel like i'm coming
up out of it. i've been feelin' that way for a bit now.
and it's hung in there long enough i'm feelin' like i
can say it out loud.

i'm comin' out of it.

now, sometimes i can be so thick headed.

when i have a friend entering the darkness, i always
remind them that there's gold in there. and they'll
find it if they stay open.

i know i found gold in my own darkness.

so why on earth i didn't think i'd find gold thru this,
is beyond me.

the fact that it's a complete surprise to me that i'm bumpin'
into gold nugget after gold nugget is really kinda funny.

it's a delightful, slap my head and laugh 'i shoulda
known' discovery!

but i am!
the point is, i am!
i've found gold....
actually....gold found me.

and kinda hopped into my pockets when i wasn't looking.

maybe that's why i had to sit and rest so often.
who knew?
it was a good thing!

so i reach into my pockets now, looking for some
change, not expecting that flake of glimmer to be
right there.....and i whisper with delight....
look at that!

i am rejoicing this morning.
the more i think about it, the more giddy i get.

i do believe i made it thru.
and i haven't had the guts to sing that out loud
til now.

now. i know....there's more.
life is full of passages.
and there's always more challenges ahead.

but i'm gonna gather my guts together and sing
my heart out! cause it's been one heck of a ride!

seeing the not seeing

so there was this funky little blip in my life today.
my girlfriend called. she has really big hard stuff
goin' on. she asked me what was up.
told her i only have one story for her, she's got the
rest....
and told her about this funky little blip.

she was indignant for me as she knows the whole story.
and she said 'WHERE do people get the audacity they
do?!'

and i laughed.

told her i'd been thinking about it.

it had gotten quiet here. i was alone working.
so i could think a bit.

and i don't think it took 'nerve' for this person to
do what they did.

i think they have no capacity to see me, so they
thought nothing of it.

i honestly believe that.

and i don't know why, but that feels real good
to be able to see that.

i'm calm about it.
i guess i don't need them to see.

it's so cool. and i see it as a chance to be peaceful
towards them. i see it as a chance to need nothing
back.

it feels awesome.

she proceeded to tell me about her hard stuff.....
and it's really hard stuff. the big hard stuff.

in the big scheme of things, people not seeing and
doin' petty thoughtless things just doesn't matter
to me.....

that's not what i want to fill my life with.

i want to fill my life with seeing and caring.
so i'll see someone who can't see me.....because
i can do that.

and i'll be grateful that i can do that.

i figure when i hit my own hard stuff, this kinda
thing will help.

a conscious effort

i have been deliberately workin' on keepin'
a good mood.

yep.
i have been keepin' that in my mind.
josh had the flu, and i thought i'd bliss it
away and not get his germs if i kept happy.
(seems to have worked!)

so i consciously worked on this.
and have been doin' great.

then yesterday something happened that knocked
me outta sorts.

darn.

now what?

i was typing up an order and just feelin' totally
outta whack.

darn.
darn.

i was doin' so good.

okay.
stop.
WHY do you feel this way?

i answered.
it was easy.
obvious.

okay.
look at the big picture.
again, easy.

okay. look how it doesn't jive.
you can indulge and feel this way...
but there really isn't any reason to.
you can adjust the problem so it works out just
fine for you.
so? whatchya gonna do??

and get this.....
i dropped it! i said 'yeah. forget that.'

and i did.
i actually did.

i went back to the good mood.

wow.
i wanna do this more often.

i think actually consciously working toward the good
mood has helped a lot.

it's not a pretend things are okay kinda thing....
it's a real thing.

and it's been workin'.
granted, there's been no huge big problems.
but most of the time there's no huge big problems.
so if i can just do this for those times....well, shoot,
that would be a huge leap all in itself!

i'm totally diggin' this.

okay. psychology. why?

i got bummed yesterday.
a friend was knockin' a mutual friend.
and it just was so wrong.
i did all the stuff i should have done
and handled it well.
but my insides were churning.
it was bothering me.

why do we have to do that?
why do we have to think bad of each other?

i was tellin' yo yo about it and just bein'
bummed when he said 'okay. psychology. WHY
do you think she did that?'

i answered him.
but it wasn't til this morning that i realized
how cool that whole thing was.

first of all....that's what i do to the guys.
same thing. i say 'okay. psychology. why?
why did they do that?'

i try to teach them to look for the understanding
and see what's underneath.

and there he was turning the tables on me so quick.

and it actually does help.

it makes me think of that line in that song i like...
'it's not the love that dies, it's the understanding ways.'

we gotta keep understanding each other.

yo helped me remember that.

the strangest bonds...

there was the famous red truck.
parked down at the new home site.
strike that...
parked down at the sky's stage area.

and the little white truck was there too.

two of the supervisor guys were back
and they were hangin' out talkin'.

i walked over to say hello.
it'd been awhile.

we all seemed glad to see each other.
how weird is that?

one of them turned to me and told me i
was a 'brave little lassie.'

oh yeah?
and he told me about almost getting hit
by a car, and told me how the construction
cone got thrown into him....ewww....

i told him i was only goin' around the block
these days. he actually seemed relieved.
and made a comment about bein' an attractive
woman walking alone.

i caught the 'attractive' part and grinned.
i've seen myself on these walks. that's not
the word i woulda used. but i liked it just
the same.

and i got a kick outta how they cared.
told them about the only time i had a problem.
and one got all concerned and asked 'was this
when we were here?'

nah, before. i said.

i grinned again.

they are knucklehead men who i have nothing
in common with, we speak different languages...
but i tell ya, the fact that they were feelin'
protective was really cool. the fact that we
all were glad to see each other, was so good.

i told them that they were now sitting in the
sky's stage area.

i smiled.
watched their faces.
one of them said 'that's real pretty.'
yeah, i said.
yeah.

i smiled, waved goodbye and went back to the
arms of the sky as i headed home....feelin'
grateful for all the awesome people i know in
my life...

shush little one...

i walked slow.
it was gray out.
still.
really peaceful.
i had the feeling of snugglin' up close
next to my mom and just layin' my head in
her lap.
that's what this morning felt like to me.

wow....
i didn't know how much i needed that.
how much i needed a break.
just someone strokin' my hair and sayin'
'shush, little one....it's all okay.'

i've been in a great mood lately.
busy, happy.

but this morning's break in the arms of
the universe felt so soothing.

shush, little one....it really is all okay.

little terri and the guys

i guess if we were gonna be logical about it,
we'd just say it's my playful, carefree side.

and of course, people like to be around playful
and carefree.

but i don't know if it's all logic.

and what throws me is all these logical guys in
my life aren't callin' it that.

my sons and bob all refer to that side of me as
'little terri.'

okay, it took bob a little while. he's the engineer.
and he said it was all really weird.
but now......he still says it's all really weird,
but will actually refer to little terri on a regular
basis.

i can either say 'my playful, carefree side has been
coming out more' or i can tell you that little terri
lives and is havin' a ball! same thing....maybe.

i've noticed that all the men in my life are way more
happy when little terri shows up.

and i find that fascinating.

it hasn't always been that way.

there were times when they didn't know what to do.
when they looked confused, bewildered, unsure.

and now that they've all heard each other actually say
out loud 'little terri' and they've all seen the concept
getting accepted, there's not only a way higher comfort
level....there's a desire for that part of me to be
around.

how cool is that?!

and it's like this amazing circle.
cause the more they're okay with it, the more i let
her out!!!

the more i let her out, the happier i get.....
the happier they are around me.

i look at these logical guys. engineer brains.
guys who are happy to see me happy.
and even tho it's weird, they tell me they're
concerned if they haven't seen little terri in
awhile.

they want to know what's up and where is she.

i feel incredibly excited to be getting more and
more in touch with that side of me.
and i feel beyond thrilled to have guys in my life
who look for that side of me as much as i do!

god, goofin' and ministers

i bumped into the elderly black minister
who lives around the corner.

i point out he's black, cause i honestly
think there's a difference between elderly
white ministers and elderly black ministers.

i like elderly black ministers better.
i do.

or at least, i like this guy way better than
most any minister i ever met.
he totally rocks.

he and his wife are the neighbors who gave us
the treadmill.

i stopped to tell him how much fun i've been
having with it. i talked right over him, i was
so excited.

'terri, you just talked over a minister. be quiet.'
i could hear the voice in my head.

i slowed down a bit and let him talk too.

he's a good guy, and someone i can carry on
with. i find myself crying and laughing with this
man. we joked a bit, then i headed on my way.

he called after me 'god go with you.'

i turned, smiled, waved....

and thought 'yeah, god goes with me.'

as i turned back i thought 'he's got to know that
already. god goes with me always.'

hmmmmm....i hadn't really thought about that much.
not even sure what i mean by that...

but i liked the thought.
and it made me think i wasn't aware enough of
how holy my days really were.

i thought of something we had said together that
made us laugh. i like people i can laugh with.
there are some people i meet and just leap into
'carry on' mode. and we goof and laugh and have fun.

i thought about god goin' with me.
my days bein' holy.
and goofin' and carryin' on with people.

i think goofin' is one of the holiest things you can
do....

how cool is that?!

worms, tadpoles and recyclin' plans

everything was soaked, but it had stopped
raining.
i walked out to the mailbox.
hmmmmm.....smells like tadpoles.

how weird.

i went around the house to get the recycling.
we have two bins. one by the back kitchen
door and one by my studio door.

i dumped one in the other and pulled the bin
around the house grinning.

'we have such a good system.' i thought.
it felt like such a perfect recycling plan, it
felt like the county had worked it out just for
me.

okay.
it's gonna be a good day, i thought.
i'm feelin' like the county's recycling plan
was made just for me. i feel excited about
our recycling.

it's gotta be a good day.

hmmmmm....smells like worms. i thought.
i shook my head.
who knew?
worms and tadpoles smell alike.

and headed off for my walk....

hard

listening to the rain in bed this morning,
it felt so cozy....

hard to get up.

doin' my thing on the treadmill later,
it felt so alive.

hard to stop.

walkin' around the block afterward,
it felt so sore.

hard to move.

sittin' lookin' out at the fall day...
it felt so blessed.

hard to hold all the goodness.

buddies

there he was yesterday.
on my answering machine.

he doesn't call that often....
and he sounded really bummed.

i returned his call.
'you doin' okay?'

he had a pretty terrible day, he told me...
and then he told me some stuff he was goin'
thru.

i feel real protective of him. kinda like he's
my little brother.

i listened, sympathized, rooted him on....

hung up.
wrote him a snail mail card....
to get there in a few days so he knows i'm
thinking of him...

and i am.
he's a sweetheart.
he's the guy i wrote this bone sigh for:

>>>>>
he had captured her heart,
touching her soul in an entirely
different way than anyone else ever had.
please god, let this last forever.
>>>>>>

no. we never had any kinda romantic relationship.
he's just someone i love. he's someone different
than anyone else in the world. someone i care
about in an entirely different way than anyone
else....

and i thought about him callin' me when he
was so down.
and i felt so lucky he did.

honored.

friendship.
it matters.

those bonds between me and my friends....
they make my life golden.

holdin' him in my thoughts and feelin' way lucky
to be called his friend.

i do believe in magic. i do. i do.

about eight years ago, my world slammed
into a wall....

i was pretty dazed and lost....and i was
pretty darn sure that i didn't believe in
love any more.

that was a pretty big thing in my life...
questioning love.

it took me a few years to figure out it was
all around me. and that it had never left me
or my heart. and that it did indeed exist
in many cool ways.

then a few years ago, i got slammed without
even knowing i was being slammed.

and once again, i questioned love. the power
of it.

not its existence this time.
but its power.

last week, i posted what a friend said to me.
how she didn't buy i was 'disillusioned' with
love...but that maybe i was 'disappointed.'

yeah, okay.
i agree.

she keeps reminding me that i do believe in magic.

and yeah......i do.
i still do.

magic. love.
the power of both.
yeah.
i do.

and i think i'm growin' up a little.
so maybe next time i get slammed i won't
toss love out the window?
well....nah....prolly will.

but what the heck......right now i got it.
and i'm tickled.

i do believe in love.
i do. i do.
i do believe in magic.
i do. i do.

humbled

i walked and thought of her...

her illness humbles her in a thousand ways
every day. i watched a little of that happen
this weekend and i wasn't sure what to do with
it all.

i thought about it this morning and what it
would be like to have the most every day things
become a challenge.

to have those challenges out in the open for
everyone to see....

how that would have to humble you so much.

how hard it would be.

i walked.
thought of her.
thought of me.
thought of my life.

when i turned the corner and saw the pink in
the area i'm now calling the sky's stage...
something kinda hit really deep...

somehow i think i understood this morning the
deal that life isn't guaranteed for you.
it's not guaranteed that you'll have it.
it's not guaranteed that it will be easy.

somehow, for a moment there, the gift that it
is really hit deep.

i was humbled by all that i have.
i was humbled by all the goodness in my life.

it's not guaranteed.
and there's no sayin' it'll stay.

i've got it today.

and to not see it, seemed like a crime.

i truly feel humbled by it all.

'humbled'....what a word.
i understand it with my friend's illness.
i understand it with the gift of my life.

aren't they just two really different things?
the two different instances of humble???
maybe not...
maybe it's knowing it's beyond you.
maybe it's knowing you're not in charge.

with the good and the bad.

showin' it to me.......

bein' a victim is an interesting thing.

i honestly believe we all do that at different
times. thing is, i think some people choose to
live in that mode while others move on and just
fall into that way of being here and there until
they pull themselves up again.

i do not know what makes the difference in people
where some people live as victims and some don't.

i'm really curious about that.

and no, i don't think i'm a victim.
mostly.
but i do know that i fall into that here and there
and have to work to pull myself out of it.

i'm watchin' someone right now who lives in victim
land, denies it at the top of his lungs, and digs
his heels deeper into that lifestyle every day.

and i want to learn from him.

because even if i'm not living in victim land,
victim stuff can slide in here and there and where
i'm least expecting it.

and i don't want things to hold me back.
i don't want excuses to be what keeps me from
living.

and i do that.
i know i do that.
not always.
certainly not always.
but at times.
and sometimes at key times.

he's extreme.
which makes for a wonderful learning lesson.
it's real easy to see as i watch him.

and yeah, i want to ride on in, explain it to him,
and save him.....

and yeah, i've actually tried.
sigh.

victims don't want to be saved.

and i figured that out.

so i sit back and say to myself,
'hey...okay....pay attention.'
and i think about some of my own stuff.

sometimes i get mad at myself when i see where i've
goofed up....
and sometimes i get excited.
i see where i can get better and what i can let go of
and what i can do.

tonite i'm excited.....

i don't want excuses to hold me back.
and i'm seein' more and more how i really can let
go of things....
how the only one holding me back is me.

how cool is that?!
to really see it.

oh, i so wish i could show it to him....
guess i'll just have to show it to me.....

my song.....

i stopped by josh's place.
they had gone over there to record the
inner child song i posted here before....

they're recording it for the tough angels site...
to help raise donations for patty in south africa.

this song has become part of me....
it's all about inner child work and finding ourselves
again...

i got there to hear the first take.

i cried.
my friends hugged me.
josh laughed. said that he'd only recorded for one
other group...a punk rock group....and the energy was
so different.
no tears then, he said.
just lots of mountain dew.

we laughed.

they were set up in the garage.
i grabbed a stool near the window out of the way
and watched.

they were tracking things separately to mix together
later.

two women singing....and guitar.

it was time for her to do her singing part.
she had the headphones on so she could hear her guitar
part.

all i could hear was her voice.

i looked out the window at the pouring rain.

her voice belted out this song i've been singing
to myself over and over again for about a month.

she's one of my best friends.
the friend who's seen all parts of me.
the friend who held my hand thru my darkness....

she means the world to me.

and her talent overwhelms me.

there she was, booming out this song....
and there's this line in the song....
where the woman goes back to find herself...

'you're shining, i can see you.
you're smiling, that's enough....'

and the tears just rolled down my face.

the rain...the tears...the lyrics....
and her voice.....

it was so strong a mix....

i held my inner child inside me......

and let her know....i wasn't gonna ever leave
her again.....

a gorgeous line...

i just got this gorgeous note in my mailbox.
i haven't written back yet as i want to hold it.
i'm headin out for a bit on my own.
gonna hold everything in the note and sit with
it a bit.

but thought i'd share a line from it...

I had to learn to give up the black & white
and sit, uninterrupted, in the grey.

gorgeous, huh?

sky blue eyes

i passed a field i love.
it's one of my favorite places to look
at the colors and now that i'm stickin'
to walkin' just my block, i think it will
be my new goodmorningworld spot.

i have to plan on how i view it tho.
it was so spectacular this morning
i had to take the corner opposite it and
just stop and stand there and look.

it's filled with all these shades of pumpkin
colors like you wouldn't believe. wow.
i just stood there in awe of it.

i turned and headed back down the street.
saw a neighbor, her knee's been botherin'
her. she had a cane. as i walked away, i
thought of how lucky i was that my knees
were doin' so good.

and i looked up.

ohmygosh.

the sky was so big.

the sky was just so so so big.

i couldn't believe how big it was.

it was glorious. my insides filled with
wonder. how'd it do that? how'd it get so
big this morning? and i couldn't stop looking
at it.

a guy from the neighborhood rode up on his
bike. asked me if i had fifty cents. i was
locked in with the sky. it was SO hard to turn
to him. but i did......i turned my head away
from the sky just for a moment. smiled big,
said i didn't even have a penny and waved as
i went back to the sky.

i wonder if he noticed.
i wonder if he looked to see what i was looking
at......i wonder if he saw.

i rounded the corner. where they tore all the
trees down. one thing i gotta say is they made
one heck of a stage for the sky to present itself.

i don't think i'm going to think of it as the
new home site anymore....i think i'm gonna think of
it as the sky's stage.

ohmygosh.......i just soaked it in.
and the tears came. it was so beautiful.
that's where i feel like i'm from, i thought.
that's where i feel like i belong.

and i grinned.

i imagined bob's voice in my ear.
teasin' me.

maybe it's hormones, i thought.
how can anyone really feel like this?

i'm not hormonal, i thought.
that's just where i come from.....
there's something inside me that knows it.

i came into my studio and threw open the
windows. i'm lettin' sky in today.....

cause it's just so big i think it needs
to leak on out everywhere this morning.....

i'm gonna fill my heart with it and
carry it with me all day....it's gonna
leak out my eyes.

people are gonna say 'ohhh your eyes are
so blue...why, i do believe they're SKY BLUE
today!'

i'll smile and nod and say why yes, i do
believe they are.

and me and the sky....we'll know what's goin'
on.

she's got me thinking.....

she's big on gettin' the wording right, she said.
i heard her say that yesterday to me on the phone.
i forgot what it was about, but i know it helped.

this morning she clipped something i wrote to her
in an email and grabbed the word.

i wrote that i had been 'disillusioned' with love
stuff. (and no, i'm not talkin' romantic love...altho..
that's another story)

i mean the big ol' universal love.

she's quick.

she grabbed the word 'disillusioned' and asked if
it was that or disappointed?

hmmmmmm........she makes an incredible point.
they're two very different things....

disappointed.

she said she doesn't buy that i'm disillusioned
because of the way i live....

hmmmm..........

yeah.
yeah.
disappointed.
big time disappointed.

and then i think of her 'immediate gratification'
comment again.

i so like immediate gratification.
i so so so do.

but ya know what? you know better than i do..
it's not like that.
it's just not.

ya know, i feel like maybe i'm coming out of the
mid life crisis thing a bit...
coming more out onto the other side.

i feel like i went in a kid....and i'm comin' out
an adult...

i'm not totally out yet.
i think it'll be awhile.....

but i think i'm gaining some kinda outlook here
that's different than anything i had before.

she's got me thinking.....
and i'm likin' more and more of what i'm seein'.....

tree removal and pink bubbles.....

so they came thru and took some of my trees,
right?
well, i don't know if a main root got cut
of another or what....but this really
beautiful one that i was hoping would kinda
help fill in for the lost ones died too.....

i couldn't believe it.

i'd stand on my street just looking at it.

logic tells me it got damaged when the others
got removed.

my heart tells me it died when it's friends
got taken down......

so last nite we found ourselves with a little
extra time.....

and the guys were ready to start taking that
tree down.

this stuff makes me crazy.

i want to be near by so i can be there if there's
a horrible accident.
and i want to be miles away so i never have to
be near a horrible accident.

so i worked in the gardens our front while yo
and zakk worked on the tree out front.

they got out there before i did.
yo was already up in the tree.

i came out with three bananas.

'okay, before you start, we gotta take a
banana break.'

i couldn't believe they came over with no
protest. they musta been hungry.

yo looked at me as he took the banana.
this is about low blood sugar, isn't it, mom?

yeah. i said.
more accidents happen when your blood sugar
is low. we'll just have a little snack.

they laughed at me and ate the bananas.

i went to the far end of the garden....
every now and then i'd look up and watch....
and then pull my head down fast and think
'don't look. just don't look.'

i'd holler things like 'be careful.'
'don't get cocky with that thing. pay attention'
'you hangin' on good?'

you know, all those helpful mother things.

the chain saw stopped at one point and i hollered
up 'i'm visualizing a pink bubble around you!'

'a PINK bubble??? really, mom??'

'yeah, zakk, a PINK bubble. that's what i do.
it's my way of helping. leave me alone, you're
getting a pink bubble.'

laughin' as i type....
these poor guys.....

and they did it.
the hard part, anyway.
it's half down.
the rest will come tonite and tomorrow....

when the top tumbled into the pile of branches
they had layin' there they hollered like they
made some kinda touch down.

perfect! they yelled.
yo came over beaming that it actually landed
in the pile they had made.

i beamed back at him...but it was for a whole
different reason........i was really glad that
HE didn't land in the pile they had made.

dani

ohmygosh! we've only communicated by email....
this incredible shop owner and i.
i mentioned her in the newsletter, mentioned
that we had never even spoke, and she read it....
...and figured it was time we fixed that.

so she called this morning!

ohmygosh.......i already loved her....but i
tell ya, when i hung up the phone.....i had
the biggest smile on my face.

i leaped right into it with her.

i asked her about love and her beliefs and
why she thought we were here and what she
wanted out of life and how she got where she
was....

something big of mine came up.
she said 'that's a good question to ask yourself.'

i already have, i answered.
and told her the answer.

heard myself say it.

wondered in my head how long i'd be hangin' on
to something that wasn't workin' for me.

we talked of everything being choices.
and how she made some very big decisions.
she just made them.

we talked of love working....but sometimes it wasn't
an instant gratification thing.

that 'instant gratification' really jumped out at me.
that's what i want....
and that's not what you get in life.....

she told me different ways she approached things inside
her......ways i want to explore with now.

later yo told me that he walked into the studio when
i was on the phone. he said my head was in my hands
and i was looking down and holding perfectly still
just listening.

he said he actually stood there a minute to make sure
everything was okay. and that when he heard me talk,
he knew it was and then moved on.

i laughed when he told me and tried to figure out what
we were talkin' about then....and i realized....
she was tellin' me her story of her childhood.

she has every reason in the world not to be who she is
today. she has every reason to be someone that's hard
to be with....

and yet she chose a life of love and beauty.
she's here to serve and help others see their own
beauty.
she's grace, she's wisdom, she's strength, she's joy...
and she's sorrow and pain...she's compassion.
she's woman.

i told her that i had discovered that women were incredible
creatures. she totally agreed. we talked of that a bit.

we hung up,and i've been singin' in my heart ever since.

it's choices.
it's decisions.
it's honesty.

i am filled with inspiration......
and i'm bowing down to this incredible spirit called dani.

a nudge from my dreams....

i had a dream that one of my walkin' shoes almost
got thrown away....in a whole pile of shoes and
garbage....

i was puttin' on my shoes to walk on the treadmill
this morning and remembered the dream.

hmmm.......
i'm gonna just walk around the block this morning.
just around the block.
that's safe and fine.

i walked out to my driveway and stopped to clean
up some broken glass.

i'll just do this instead, i thought.
i'll just take my time, clean this up, and head
back in. i won't go around the block.
i need to just stop with the walks.

i took my time.
cleaned up the glass.
took two steps towards my front stoop to go
sit down and think....

looked down at my shoes.
remembered the dream.

just around the block, i thought.
i got to.

and so i set out.

ohmy....it felt like heaven.

i passed a woman getting in her car.
i smiled, said 'how ya doin'?'
'good. and yourself?' she answered.

oh ho ho ho ho ho.

'good.' i answered.

and i smiled as i walked by her.
i had refrained from yellin' out
OH MY GOSH I FEEL GREAT! did you see
where the sun directly hit those trees
over there?? how they totally lit up in
this field of shine?? did you see it??
if you keep lookin' at it while you're
walkin', it's so distracting you'll trip.
and i'd be careful driving by it and looking.
i'd have trouble keepin' the car on the road.
did you see that tree over there??
it's lost all its leaves but it's got a few
purple blossoms on it!
like some kinda profound message to anyone
who looks! i've got my soft jeans on today
and they're rubbin' against my knees and
makin' my whole body smile. and when the
guy with the big beard who i haven't seen
in ages and never spoken to but only wave to
drove by in his truck we both lit up like
old friends who hadn't seen each other in
twenty years! and it made me laugh inside
and my whole being feels good and i JUST
started my walk!'

i refrained from saying all that.
and just said 'good.'

man.....have i missed walkin'.

i think i'm goin' around the block every day.
i think i've got to.

i've been tryin' to be a big girl about this
and just stay in my yard.

yo looked at me this morning and said 'it's
been driving you crazy, hasn't it?'

yeah, i said.
yeah.

just the block. i need the block.

i think my dreams knew......

maybe this will help.....

she's getting over being sick.
she tells me that when she laughs or cries
she coughs.
and she was wonderin' why in the world
she was meeting up with me cause that's
what we do together. laugh and cry.

so we tried hard not to.
and of course did it anyway.

and she coughed thru it.

we were celebrating her 60th birthday.
i gave her something that mattered to me
and teared up right away.

she looked at me and said 'don't do that
to me.'

grin.

i thought i was gonna be all eloquent and
tell her how much she means to me and
that this gift was sposed to symbolize that
and it felt sacred to me and her being here
felt sacred to me.....

and about all i did was get way teary and
mumble incoherent stuff.

i know she got the point.
but i so wanted to say it right.

on the drive home i was thinking about it.
surprised at how lame i was.

when stuff really matters to me, i tear up.
it doesn't matter what it's about...
if it's from my heart, the tears come.

so yeah, tears come a lot.

and words are hard to find.

i know she knew.
i just wish i coulda really told her.

she reads this blog....
maybe this will help...

prolly just way tired.....

i had a funny feeling that maybe i was gettin'
old today. in a good way.

i was making my bed....thinking about life's
questions. and how i have no answers.

thinking of all the famous wise people who say
that's okay and to love the questions.

thinking of all the not so famous wise friends
of mine who say that's okay and just love the
questions.

for a moment there, i actually felt okay with
not having any answers. i was totally okay with
just living.

that doesn't happen very often for me.

and there i was, making my bed, feelin' content
to just live the best i could.

i'm either just way tired or actually having moments
of growin' up.

perspective

he's a really cool guy who lives in alaska.
i'm a big fan of both his photographs and him.

he shared some work with me last nite and i wrote
him back in complete awe.

he wrote this wonderful note back talking
about seeing the miracles all around us every day.

'no reason to wait for a miracle to happen.
we are in one all the time' he wrote.

how can you not love this guy??

he was kind enough to write that i'm someone not
afraid to see things in this world that are so
easy to overlook and ignore.

that thought popped into my head this morning.
i had been out wandering my yard.
i'm tired today. i've been pushin' hard for a
few weeks and it's caught up to me.
i never got a chance to get out and take care
of my yard like i had planned.

i looked at all the projects. ohhhh i gotta
take care of that. and that. and that over there.
and oh this. yep. this too.

ohmygosh.
i sat down in a tired heap.
just sat there and told myself it's okay. it
will all get taken care of and i just need to
relax about it.

i did manage to see some really pretty sky and
noticed it. but i didn't pay much other attention
to the leaves changing, or the gorgeous crisp
feeling in the air, or any of the other miracles
all around me.

too tired.
too distracted.

and then i thought of this guy's note.
nah, i'm not afraid to see the miracles...
i just need to REMEMBER to see them!

everything is perspective.

he wrote, 'creation didn't happen thousands
of years ago. it is happening now, in each
moment. it is happening all around us constantly.'

i love that.

perspective.
it certainly can change your days, can't it?

it's about love

a good friend just dropped me a note.
i haven't even answered her yet.
she got my head spinning and i came over
here to unspin it.

she received an awesome cool gift and wants
to be sure to use it to her fullest. and
she's nervous about that.

just before i got her note, i was getting
a birthday present together for someone i
love very much and who i never thought would
make it to her 60th year! i wanted something
really special to honor that. i keep thinking
'wow, we'll be together to celebrate this.'

so somehow these two things morphed together
in my mind and i thought of the incredible
gift of life we've got.

talk about a really awesome cool gift.

and i thought about using it to my fullest.
just like my friend wants to do with the gift
she just received.

so what the heck does that mean?
does that mean the pressure's on and i'd better
do great big things??
nahhh....
that can't be it.
so what is it?

i really really think it's to fill my gift with
as much love as i can.
isn't it?
doesn't that have to be it?

that's gotta start with self love.
it's gotta include understanding and compassion
and forgiveness.
spreading peace and good things...and joy!
i can't forget the joy!
all of that stuff....

that's gotta be it, don't ya think?

this incredible gift we've got.
i have thought about a gazillion times how
lucky i am not to be a woman where patty is
right now. i have thought about a gazillion
times of the childhood i had and how lucky
i have been.

i have this incredible gift in my hands.
and my friend and her concern for using another
gift she just got, has reminded me of that.
and my other friend who is here to celebrate
her 60 years with me, reminds me of that too.

it's a gift.
nah, we don't have to do big great things...
but we should think about what it means to
us not to waste it.
ya know?

for me, i'm thinking it's about love......

still lost...

i sat out in my backyard this morning.
we've been goin' full tilt around here
tryin' to get tough angels up.
it's up.
and so i sat there just unwinding a bit.

looking at the sky.

and once again....when i have a moment to
breathe, i sit there and wonder what in
the world it's all about.

why are we here?
why so much pain when we all want love?

i sat there and looked at the edge of the
trees against the sky....

i'll never figure this out, will i? i thought.
i just gotta keep goin' and followin' my heart.

i know.
i know.
but it sure would be nice to know what in the
world this is all about....

i stood up, shook my head, and headed back in to
my day.

from patty this morning....

i want to share these.......
this woman has truly captured my heart.
this is from her latest letter to her friends.

Dearest Friends,

I have a new roommate. She is an 11 year-old Zulu girl and will stay with my roommate from Holland and myself for 3 1/2 weeks. She speaks English too so that makes life for us so much easier! Her name is Nonhlanhla and she's had a rough life! Even in the short time she's been here, she is blossoming and beaming and I think she's a survivor with so much talent that is just aching to be realized.

At night, when we have dinner, I've made a house rule that we all must share 5 things that happened during the day that made us happy or grateful. One night, I shared that it made me really happy to see this tree that was covered in brilliant purple flowers. The flowers also covered the ground beneath it and it looked like a purple carpet. The next day, the driver that takes several children under Bobbi Bear's care to school told me that Noni begged her to please stop the car. Not knowing why, the driver pulled over and Noni jumped out, ran to one of these trees and gathered handfuls of the purple flowers that were on the ground and handed them out to all the children and the driver. Mmmm, joy!

She is tall and thin with long longs legs and I asked her if she liked to run. She lit up like a light! I told her that my brother ran marathons and she said she wanted to run long distances. I also told her that while running it is important to think about nice things and that my brother always drew a smiley face on his hand to remind himself that he was having a good time. The next day she came home from school and said she ran. She must've run like the wind because the high school coach saw it, and he timed her and has had her running with the high school team (even though she's 11) everyday since. She will do her first race Oct. 30th. She said she either holds a flower when she runs or puts one in her hair. Breakthroughs!

our project

start here....it will take you to the
right spot....but you can read the intro
this way.

offering this to you with love....
and hope....

and the deepest respect for patty and her colleagues.

lettin' the cube melt and grabbin' some tea

i was thinking about anger this morning as i got
out of the shower....

was thinking how i posted the other day that i'm
still angry at my ex for making me feel like i
needed to be thinner.

well ya know what??
i put the anger on him as it's really easy to
put it there. it stays there nice and neatly
and i don't need to deal with it too much.

but what i realized this morning.....was......
it's not HIM i'm angry at.
it's me.

it's me.

i'm so angry at myself for allowing that garbage.
for not seeing. for feeling less than. for accepting
that and then turning it onto my own self and believing
it.

i'm mad at me.

i really am.

how could i?
how could i?

and then i thought of a talk i had with my guy yesterday.
he was helpin' me with something else. and reminding me
that where we were at certain points in our lives is
where we were.

we did what we could from those places.
and that's okay. that's where we were.

sometimes i have that concept down.
sometimes i'm good, got it.
and sometimes i just fall over backwards and scream
HOW COULD I EVER HAVE BEEN THERE???

it's at those times i see that i don't have it
down real good. grin.

the anger is good in a way as i want to make sure
i don't go there and allow that stuff again....
but it's not good in another way as i need to see
that's the way it was, it's over, and now you know.

and if you know......truly know....
you don't need the anger.
cause you won't go there again.
cause you know better.

so think i need to drop that whole cube of anger.
just let it melt over there.

think that's the plan.
i'm gonna get a hot cup of tea and toast how far
i've traveled. and how far i have yet to go!
and watch the cube of anger melt....

art time

this whole project we're doin'...
that we'll launch tonite...
and i'll post here.....

well,i already saw a miracle from it.

zakk created greeting cards last nite.
two of them.

stop right there.

that's big, big, big news.

i have been tryin' to get him to do
some art for bone sighs for years.
nope.

he takes photos too. i've been tryin'
to get him to do something with them.
nope.

and then last nite, i sat and watched
him create and make two cards with his own
photos.

he took some lines from a song josh wrote
for this whole project and used those.

i sat, watched, and was delighted.

josh took some of his lyrics and made a
poster with them and one of his own photos.

remember when the kids were little and
you did artsy things with them? there was
this weird shade of that feeling goin'
on with me as i watched all this happening
yesterday. only they weren't little...
they're grown up....and they're making things
to help out a good cause.

there's a purpose in their art.

okay, so maybe it wasn't art time with the
kids. and i didn't get painty or gluey at
all. i just watched.

it was still wonderful......
and i'm feelin' pretty darn tickled over here.

excited.

it's no secret how much patty from south africa
has moved my soul.yesterday we were wrapping up
work on a donation site that we'll be putting up
tomorrow.

i was so tickled that zakk quietly slid on board
and is helpin in this too. so now, every single one
of us is part of this...and that tickles me to no
end.

i ran a test run by patty. so she could add or tweak.
she wrote later....she had shared it with the women
she works with. one of these women in particular
has her story on a page on the new site.

a remarkable woman. a woman, who when i read about,
i just cried and was so moved with her spirit.

well, patty shared the site with her!
ohmygosh!!!!!

i told this to bob later on the phone.
actually, i squealed this to bob later on the phone.
i heard myself goin' on and on and i actually said
'bob, she's a real person and she really saw it
and it really mattered to her!'

um
what did i think would happen??
laughin' at myself here.....
i sounded like i was six years old.
but i was so darn excited.

i woke up last nite with a few last minute ideas
i'll be workin' on this weekend.
middle of the nite, writin' notes to myself....
and smilin'.

this whole thing is happening because
it is filled with tremendous pain. it's ugly, sickening,
and heartbreaking.

and in the middle of all of that....they're over there
clappin' with joy that we're doin' this...
and i'm wakin' up in the middle of the nite smiling
and excited with ideas.

life is the most fullest thing, isn't it?!

patty's been thanking us....and i don't know how to
tell her....it's them that have changed our lives over
here. it's them that have broken me open even more.
and it's them that have brought my sons and i together
on a project that matters so much to all of us.

we sat in the studio late last nite goin' over some stuff
regarding this project.

josh looked at us all sitting there and said 'we never
stop working.'

we laughed.
it's not true.
there was a lotta playin' in between.
and it's not true cause it's not work.
it's love.

and i think that's why it feels like it never stops.
we always gather and brainstorm ideas.
and so many of them are filled with love.
i hope that part never stops.

i looked at their faces....i thought of all they're
doin' to make this happen.....

and i saw three tremendous young men.
for a moment in time, they're lives blend with these
women's lives and even if there isn't one dollar donated,
something magical has taken place.

and we'll be offering you that magic tomorrow evening...

i am so darn excited.

the power of their words...

i just read a friend's blog.

'body issues' would be the easy way to put it.
pain, self judgment, self doubt, insecurities,
past history, scars, aching....
all that more accurately describes it.

and i got it.
i so so so got it.

i think of some of the stories i hear from
girl friends. i think of some of my own.
and how yes, it is all up to us to believe in
ourselves...and know we are beautiful...
but AT THE SAME TIME......guys have such
power over us with what they say. they do.
and i wish i could burn that into every guy's
cells so they knew.

i've noticed that one anger i haven't yet chosen
to drop with my ex husband were his subtle ways
of telling me i wasn't thin enough.

i don't think i ever realized how much that ran
thru our relationship until i got in this
relationship now. the difference is astounding.

i think the difference between the two is that
in one relationship i was there to be who he
wanted me to be. in the second i am there to
become all i can be.

and that right there......that's the difference
between life sucking and life giving. seeing
beauty and being blind to beauty.

every single comment we make...
every single action we take....
is either life sucking or life giving. it's either
seeing or blind.

yes, as women, we need to know our own beauty.
and we need to find our own worth.
it cannot come from a man's words or thoughts.
it has to be our own.

at the same time, the men we surround ourselves
with have to be chosen with care. with such care.

and for those that just happen to be around us...
that we don't choose...
in the workplace or in the neighborhood....
well...maybe we need to stop and tell them that
what they say matters. cause from some of the comments
i've heard and heard about, i'm thinking they haven't
ever figured that out.

maybe sayin' that out loud face to face...
calmly, with grace, with knowing, with trust that they
are big enough to care and hear...well...
maybe that's helpful on many many levels.

i so wish men knew the power of their words.
maybe we gotta tell 'em......

riding on the breeze

i found myself sitting under the maple tree
listening to the rain fall on and thru it.
i leaned my head back against the chair, face
up and let the rain fall on and thru me.

i opened my eyes and saw the branches of
another tree high above the maple's.
its leaves were swaying in the breeze while
the maple's stayed still.

i watched, intrigued. it was beautiful.
a kaleidoscope of leaves up there...
some moving. some not.

and i thought about catchin' the wind.
you gotta reach high enough, i thought.
if you're not catchin' the flow....you gotta
reach higher.

warming up in a hot shower, my thoughts turned
to yet another gruesome rape story. since i've
brought this up, i've been hearin' from women.

i thought of the story and while it's a story of
a survivor, i was stuck on the treatment of this
little girl as completely valueless.

i think that's probably the thing that gets me
the most about any violence....the complete dismissal
of the other person's value.

while i'm embarrassed to bring it up as i do not
want to be perceived in any way as comparing it...
cause it can't compare....i do know the damage that
happened to me when i was molested.

i had no idea until about 35 years later that
that incident burned the message into my cells
that i didn't matter.

i dried off thinking about that.
burned into my cells.
yeah. that's what i'd say it did.

so think of this other stuff.
yeah....it's got to do that. big time.

there are moments here and there that i realize it's
still there. i don't carry it all around and think of it.
it's moments that are the hardest for me, when i'm
doubting myself the most, that that feeling surfaces.
and that's when i know it's still with me.

how will i ever lose it if it's burned into my cells??

and then it kinda hit me.
maybe you just plain won't.
maybe you just gotta know it's there and reach beyond
it.

and i thought of the branches in the wind....

maybe you gotta reach higher and catch the breeze, ter.

you're always gonna have scars...branded cells....if it's
not this, there will be something else.
cause life is full of that stuff. and messages do get burned
into cells.

but maybe it's a matter of reachin' higher.
which for me means reachin' deeper.
higher means deeper to me.
because i think if you reach high enough, deep enough...
there's a place where those messages can't hold you back
anymore.

maybe it's not about dropping stuff that you can't drop.
maybe it's about reaching beyond that stuff...and catchin'
the breeze anyway....

and lettin' the breeze carry that weight for you.

reachin' higher.
reachin' deeper.
and riding on the breeze.

absorbent bones today

i woke up happy. just plain ol' happy.
i totally love it when that happens.
as i zipped around this morning i remembered
something that was goin' on today.
not for me. for someone i'm close to.

it wasn't the first thing on my mind at all.

three years ago....two even...okay, okay....
6 months ago.....i woulda been concerned
about what was goin' on today. it would have
been the first thing on my mind. and i would
have felt heavy about it.

ta da!
not today!
i must really have gotten this detached thing
down, i thought.

wow.
wouldn't it be nice to have this with a lotta
other things???

so what's the secret here?

well.......first secret is i prolly don't really
have it down. for now i do. nothing stays the same.
but i do think i'm well on my way.

i spent years and years and years....did i say
years?? tryin' to help, pulling my hair out in
frustration, thinking on it forever and crying
an awful lot.

i really felt i had some good answers. still think
i did.

thing is...they're good answers for me.
they work for me.

no one else is me.
everyone else needs their own answers.

i think i figured that out with this.
i mean for real.
in my bones kinda thing.

but i still don't have this detachment
in other areas of struggle in my life.
i still somewhere deep down think my answers
are the right ones, and other people really need to
just come to their senses.

laughin' here....

yeah.
well.
good luck with that one, ter.

so, what's the difference here? how come you
got it in one situation and not in another?

i want to say i got it kicked into me in this
situation. but truth is, it shoulda been kicked
into me in these others. there was definitely
kicking involved.

maybe i need something from the situations i
struggle with.

of course i do.
or there wouldn't be the struggle.

maybe i don't really need anything anymore.

maybe i'm just in the habit of thinking i need something.

that seriously feels way more right.
i'm just in the habit of thinking i need something.

and this morning.......for a moment here.....i can
see real clearly that i don't need anything from these
other situations.

what i do need is to have that insight sink on down into
my bones........

i'm feelin' happy, my bones are feelin' absorbent, who
knows, maybe i'll soak some of that up today....
one way or another....i'm feelin' good and i'm gonna
enjoy it!

cupcakes tonite!

i'm in the studio workin' with the guys.
it's an absolute zoo in here. so much goin' on.

yo tells me something that happened to him
that's totally awesome.

i said 'okay! we gotta celebrate tonite! we're
gonna have a party! and i vote for cupcakes too!'

yo looks at me and says 'you're emotional today,
mom. i like it when you're emotional. it usually
involves food.'

i laughed and laughed.

yeah.
cupcakes tonite.

unanswerable questons and good company

a friend's been on my mind today.
she lost her mama recently. we put out our
newsletter today and mentioned her.
and something she said last nite in a note
has been hangin' inside me.
so between it all, she's on my mind.

because of the mention in the newsletter,
which just happened to kinda go with the quote
of the day we sent out today, i've been hearin'
from a few people dealin' with the loss of a
parent.

when i get these notes, i so wish i could do
something. and i know....there's nothing i can do.

i had read something this morning tho....and someone
just wrote struggling......so i typed it to her.

it's from 'my grandfather's blessing.'
wanted to share it as i really thought it was good.

'Mystery requires that we relinquish an endless search for answers
and become willing to not understand. That we be open to
witness. Those who witness life may eventually know far more than
anyone can understand.
Perhaps real wisdom lies in not seeking answers at all.
Any answer we find will not be true for long.
An answer is a place where we fall asleep as life moves past
us to its next question. After all these years I have begun to
wonder if the secret of living well is not in having all the answers
but in pursuing unanswerable questions in good company.'
>>>

i certainly feel like i'm forever pursuing unanswerable questions.
and i am blessed enough to be surrounded by good company.

thank you for bein' part of that.....

and to those struggling.......i wish it were easier sometimes.
i really do.

wishin' and whooshin'.....

i'm still tryin' to get the hang of just
walkin' on the treadmill and then goin' out
to my yard for bein' with the sky time.
i figure there's a learning curve. i'm bein'
patient.

i went out this morning and grabbed a bucket
full of dried money plants that i have.
if you don't know money plants, you really
need to. when they go to seed, the stems get
dry and the seed pods are these flat round
dirty brown things. if you rub off the outer
shell, the seeds fall out, and you get this
gorgeous silvery white round thing attached
to the stalk.

they're really cool and beautiful.

but if you don't rub off that outer shell,
they don't look pretty at all.

so i'm sittin' there with a pile of these things,
rubbin' off the outer shell. marveling at the
beauty.

hmmmm......doesn't take too long before i get
to thinking. i wish i could just do this for
my girlfriends. just whoosh, rub off that all that
stuff they carry around and show them their beauty.

i thought of the outer shell as their blindness to
their own beauty. if i could just rub off all our
blindness.

i got to thinking about the plants.

i love them all the way thru.
they come up in the spring. big ol' leaves that
let you know you're gettin' one heck of a plant
comin' up.

then it's blossom time.
their purple blossoms are so perky and happy.
i never want them to go away.

then they get icky. kinda covered in this
dirty color that just hides everything.

then you just whoosh the ick away and they shine.

oh man.
all this really got me thinking about women.
yeah, probably people.
but since i hear mostly women's stories....
i think of women.

how we come out rarin' to go. if we're lucky,
we're still perky and gorgeous by bloom time.
and then.....pretty soon there's too much ick.
and we get to feelin' just so not pretty,or so
not worthy. or so not like we matter.

i think of the very name, money plant.
i think it's called that cause when it's all
whoosed off, what's left looks like silver dollars?
i'm not sure.

but what's money symbolize?
power? value?
oh yeah.
this is the right plant.

i start naming a woman for each pod i'm whooshing.

mary. whoosh.
tina. whoosh.
lynn. whoosh.
carol. whoosh.
cams. whoosh.
denise. whoosh.
heidi. whoosh.
sue. whoosh.
jina. whoosh.
patty. whoosh.
charlice. whoosh.
rita. whoosh.
diane. whoosh.
laura. whoosh.

and on and on i went.
i got carried away.
i went on and on and on and on.
i pictured each friend. named all i could think of.
'see your beauty' i'd wish as i'd whoosh.

see your beauty. know your value.

i have a whole pile waiting out there for me to
still do.

i'm gonna keep on namin' women as i keep on whooshin'.

if you felt a little zap this morning, it was just
me whooshin' on you.

see your beauty. know your value.

on my mind....

i've always felt like a 'plain jane.'
not pretty. not ugly. just plain.
and yeah, a lotta times i wished i was
prettier.

then one day, a long time ago....i got
poison ivy really really bad all over my
face. my face totally became disfigured.
i remember i had to go pick up a prescription
for my face and i was totally humiliated to
walk to the store and then to stand in line
at the pharmacy.

it was my first and only experience with
disfigured. and it was really really hard.
plain jane looked real good after that. and
i have never forgotten that feeling of being
ashamed to look up.

somewhere deep inside, i understand how important
the face is. and maybe between that understanding,
and my tiny little moment with a disfigured one,
maybe that's why i can't get this one girl outta
my mind.

it's one of the stories that we'll be sharing real
soon that patty, from south africa, shared with me.
about a girl that was raped and then stabbed repeatedly
in the face.

from the moment i read that, i haven't put it down.
patty writes of holding her and telling her she was
beautiful and then covering her face with kisses.

i had loved patty from the start of the notes, and
when i read that, i loved her with my entire soul.

walkin' (on the treadmill) this morning, i thought of
that girl. trying to put rape down and move on is a
tremendous task in itself. i don't think you ever
leave it behind. you survive, you become more, but
it stays with you. so there's a big enough hurdle.

how about her face? how will she ever know that she's
beautiful? that she's worthy? that she matters?
how will she ever forget the trauma and move on to good?
i walked and held her in my heart and
loved her. from way over here. from someone she'll never
see. i so wanted to hold her and kiss her face right
along with patty's kisses.

i was frustrated last nite. i felt like he wasn't hearin'
me with this stuff.
he stopped, looked at me and said 'tell me.'
i told him that there hasn't been a day i haven't thought
of all this. that it's so inside me right now.

he asked me what i was thinking. i told him this and that
and this other thing.......but i never mentioned this story.
i'm not even sure if i've told him this story. the one
i can't get out of my mind.

sometimes the things i hold the deepest, i have the hardest
time sharing. it's not cause i don't trust others so much
as i don't trust me to put it out in a way that truly expresses
what i feel. and to have you miss it and keep goin' when it
matters so much to me....that's hard.

she's one girl in millions all over the world.....yes, i get it,
right in my neighborhood too....all over....that has been
scarred in a way that will take tremendous strength to survive
and spirit beyond belief to become more.

she can do it. it's not impossible.
but it's miraculous.

women everywhere.....doin' miraculous things.
and holdin' each other until they can stand up and hold
their faces to the sun.

i am so moved that we do that for each other.
i am so moved that we have the strength to keep goin'.

does it really matter to that girl so far away that i'm
holdin' her in my heart like this? i have no clue.
but i have got to believe it does.

i have got to believe it does.

us

the gang of vacationin' fools.....

the final day!

we had our final day yesterday....
to a town about an hour from here.

there was a store down there i needed
to swap some art with. there was an
art fest that some friends were vending
at and little did we know...there was
a parade coming thru too! we ended up
staying hours longer than we thought we
would.

the parade was so incredibly small town
that it turned out to be fantastic.
yo and josh went nuts takin' pictures and
zakk and i stood there commentating the
whole event. it was prolly the best parade
i have ever been too....because it was so
bad. it was great fun.

the highlight for me came on the drive home.
once again, i was in back with mister 6'4".
i was mindlessly swooshing water in my mouth.
yo noticed and looked at me. i looked over,
still swooshing.

i saw fear flicker across his face and his
body actually jerked back a bit as it occurred
to him i might end up spitting it out on him.
which i had no intention of doing.
but once i saw this, it totally cracked me up.

now i was stuck.
i could neither laugh nor swallow.

yo and i were laughing about this later and he
said 'you had to chose between spitting on me
or choking, and you were goin' for choking!'

and i was. i suddenly was stuck not sure what
to do and i started choking. yo handed me a cup
to spit it all out in.

ahhhhhhh........
and we doubled over laughing on each others
shoulders.

the guys in the front were tryin' to figure out
what was happening.

later, describing it to bob, i knew it was a
'you had to be there' kinda thing.

and you did.

there's a rhythm in families that fascinates me.
there's a rhythm in mine that i love.

that was happening thru out the water spitting
incident and i loved it.

it happened all thru our vacation.
and made it terrific.

as we said goodnite last nite, everyone commented
on what a great 'vacation' we had. the guys thanked
me for my generosity.

my generosity???
we took day trips.
it was hardly the vacation of the century.
and yet...we all felt like we lived like kings.

that right there is what i'm most grateful for.
the joy and abundance we felt doin' nothing in
particular.

i'm headin' back to work today feelin' good.....

who knew?

a friend commented on the part of my post in the perfect
day about when i look at a subway shop and remember
a really hard time....

she commented that she does that with the panera her
and i were having tea at when i got the call there...from
josh....that my dad had a stroke.

i remember meeting her there a long time afterwards,
and she was so sensitive about it. not sure i'd be okay
bein' there.

i go there all the time. it's the place i go to meet up
with people. never stopped even after that morning.

so when i read her comment, i wondered about that.
how come i don't think of that when i go in there?
i rarely ever do. how come i could go back so easily?
i was thinking it's cause i had gone there so much, other
things have happened there too. lots of life actually.
it really is my hang out place.

and then i thought of something.....
i hadn't even realized.

i drink tea there. a lot.
i have never once gotten the same kind of tea as
i had that morning.

not once.

i never thought of that until she commented.

wow.

i hadn't even consciously realized it.

i never want to drink that tea again.

amazing what things drive us that we don't even
realize......

match boxes

i got a note from a friend about tucking my soul
in the matchbox (see a few posts below) sayin'
it wasn't a bad idea.

i grinned.
i've been thinking about it too.
was teasin' with the guys i might paint one up
all pretty and use it for that.

yesterday as i was walkin' with zakk, i slipped
it out of my pocket again. turned to him with
it open in my hand and said 'you tired, want to
tuck in?'

and i laughed.

he shoved me with his shoulders.

i'm thinking it's a good idea too......
maybe we got something started here!

another perfect day....

we all piled back in the mustang.
long legs everywhere.
we hadn't even left the neighborhood
when i heard the line of the day.

mister 6'4" was shoved in back with me,
zakk was drivin', josh was shotgun.
josh turns to yo...'hey did you get that
bach piece i sent you??'

before yo could answer, zakk bursts out
in total indignation. he's already been
strugglin' with yo's musical tastes.

'YOU'RE SENDING BACH PIECES TO HIM NOW?!
THIS ISN'T RIGHT. THIS JUST ISN'T RIGHT.'
zakk has a way of bellowing.
and he totally bellowed and even squeaked
as he bellowed. that's a sure sign of
limits being pushed.

i started laughing.

another good day had begun.

we headed to a gorgeous state park and
hiked and took pictures and soaked up the
leaves. i started reminiscing about being
a tree in my past life and how i liked to
drop leaves here and there for drama.
yo turned to me and commented on my tree
like air and josh thought we should decide
what kinda trees each of us was.

we're a weird group.

after hangin' around the park and relaxing,
i insisted on taking them to a restaurant
i knew about. they hesitated. i knew they
were doin' the budget thing.

here's the beauty.
we're doin' day trips....which means we're
not stayin' in hotels. so we get to do for
what us is a splurge and eat in an actual
restaurant.

we found it in the town nearby.
settled in and looked at the menu. i think
one of the highlights for me was listening
to them try to decide if they wanted the
tofu hummus sandwich or the avocado brie one
or what about this veggie melt??

when the guy servin' us came over, i told him
that we were all vegetarians and to actually
have choices on a menu was a total thrill.

i honestly don't think i have EVER taken them
out to eat where we did the whole deal.
we usually do water to drink and skip the
appetizers and dessert is usually done in the
grocery store.

not this time. we did the whole thing.
'we need to get some caffeine in these guys'
i told the waiter. this place didn't have regular
sodas. it was ice tea all around.
the guys said no to appetizers, i ordered them
anyway.
they said no to dessert. i insisted.
i let zakk skip as he truly did like he was gonna
burst and said he was way too full. and i needed
to skip as i'll be walkin' off vacation for months.

so yo and josh got something. and we all tasted
each. ohmygosh. i felt like i never ate before.
it rocked.

we raved to our server. turns out the guy was
finishing up culinary school and his dream was
buying this very restaurant. i told him i was an
artist and since i started my own business i
understood the importance of supporting artists.
told him i felt like we just ate someone's art
and it was such a treat and it felt so good to be
there. it was so cool.

driving home down the highway about an hour from
home, i was in the back seat. mid drink, i couldn't
speak. i just shot my arm forward and pointed.
there, comin' right by us, was a car with a bone
sigh arts bumper sticker on it! i flipped! i was
so excited! everyone in the car got excited. all
over a bumper sticker. i loved it.

more food that night at home with the guys.
one of them turned to me and thanked me for providing
them with awesome food this vacation.

i explained the money deal, and how we got to splurge
on food since we weren't splurgin' on lodging.
everyone agreed that we just found the right way
to take a vacation.

we're totally food oriented people.

as i sat in my room dealing cards for a late
nite card game, zakk literally came flying/tumbling
into my room.

josh had shoved him, he was falling into the pottery
in the living room, trying to dodge that, he flew thru
my doorway and landed on the floor of my room.

he stood up laughing hard. josh came in and they
were laughing and carryin' on.

i leaned back and watched.

another perfect day.
this vacation stuff really rocks.

a perfect day

some days are perfect.
just perfect.

this is our 'vacation' weekend over
here. day trips for a few days. just
bein' together and takin' a break.
a time where josh took off of work,
the guys excused themselves from their
dad, and i claimed a weekend without bob.
an intentional, let's take some time and
be together.

and there's something about that effort,
that creates this magic feeling. this feeling
of it all being a treasure.

we found ourselves hangin' out on a little
stone wall overlooking the mountains yesterday.
it was so windy in this particular spot, it
really felt like it would blow you over.
we sat there facing the wind and one of they
guys noticed you can see it coming before it
gets to us.

we watched.
sure enough.
thru those trees down there....
then thru that row of trees...
then this field here....
and then whooooooshhhhhhh right up to us.
wheeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww........

it was so cool.
this intrigued us all so we sat and watched it
for a bit. and laughed as it hit us.

i was sitting next to zakk.

i pulled out an empty match box outta my pocket.
was teasin' him about burning something (he's my
pyro) and i slipped it open.
empty.

'why are you carrying an empty match box?' he asked
me. mister logic at work.

i smiled, didn't miss a beat and told him that sometimes
my soul got tired and when it did, i tucked it into the
match box.

he crinkled his face, tilted his head, looked at me
and said 'for real? i can never tell with you.'

i burst out laughing.
no, zakk, i'm just teasin' with you.
and i laughed and laughed.

in a little bit, bob called to check in.
i told him the story.
turns out he didn't know if i was kidding or not either.
i laughed and laughed again.
this totally delighted me.
how weird do they really think i am???

thought i'd try it out on josh and yo.
josh believed me, and thought it was a pretty cool idea.
yo was the only one who knew i was kidding.

that tickled me all day.

we went down to the gallery and yo loaded in his art.
i had to go take an inventory of my own stuff with zakk.
we were gonna leave the room, but i said we had to wait
for the ooohhhs and ahhhs for when they saw yo's work.
sure enough.
ohhhhhhh.
ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
i smiled at zakk.
okay, lets go take an inventory.

i walked by at one point later.
zakk was helpin' yo make it perfect.
josh was taking pictures of the display.
my entire heart smiled.

we wandered, we goofed, we took pictures.
we talked of life. we told yo how proud we
were of what he was doing.

as we drove up the highway not far from home,
we passed a subway sandwich shop.
i looked over.
i can never look at this place without a feeling
running thru me.

i had stopped there years ago with josh. bought him
a sandwich as he headed back to work and i headed
back to the hospital around the corner. years ago
bob had been in the hospital. and i thought he was
dying. it was a really scary time.

i looked at the shop as we drove by. the memory
crept over me. how far we've all come since then.
how much happiness we've had since then. gratitude
filled me.

i was in the front seat at this point.
it's a mustang. these guys have long legs.
seein' 6'4" yo smooshed in the back is a little tough.
but they rotate seats often and always insist i get
some front seat time.

i was in front goofin' with the music with zakk as
he drove. one song was playing that tickled me to
no end. i threw my head back against the head rest
and laughed. as i did, i saw the sky. i saw the moment.
everything stopped for a second.
and i saw the gold.

it doesn't get any better than this, i thought.
this is magic.

i went back to goofin' with the music.

when i got home there was an email from a friend.
he had been at the gate on skyline drive.
he was the one you pay and get the map from as
you drive in. he's our buddy.

he dropped a one liner. sayin' that when he
saw us pull up in the car, we reminded
him of the book 'where the wild things are.'

i laughed.
yeah. a lotta big goons smooshed in the car.

it was a perfect day.

bustin' buttons!

this is a big day around here....
the guys and i are headin' out....we're
gonna go hike in the mountains. and we're gonna
stop over in the town nearby. there's a gallery
there that i'm part of.

and today, yo yo becomes part of it as well.
he is bringing his own art and joining the gallery.

i am so tickled.

and this place.....this place holds so much symbolism
for me. the guys were with me when i found it. they
were with me for the whole journey with them.

the owner was the first business owner i ever worked
with who called the bone sighs 'bone sighs' right away.
i remember the first time i ever heard his voice.
he left a message for me and he told me he really liked
my work. and i could tell by his voice he 'got' them.

he became a huge figure in my life and in my learning
to believe in myself.

another artist there took me around to her paintings
and told me the stories of each painting. i found out
later she never does that. i was really lucky. it wasn't
long before we adopted each other as surrogate mom/daughter.

the place became a second home, the people a second family.
i called the gallery 'mine' when customers came in and
joked with them that i was taking it over cause i loved
it so much.

i've spent the nite in it all alone, listened to the
rain on the roof, slept in a recliner and soaked in the
place like a sponge.

today we take yo's work there.

he came in late last nite from a fund raiser he was invited
to. i believe he ended up being their photographer for the
nite too. i was already so proud of him for that. just
beamin' at him as he left to head out to it.

i am busting buttons with pride today.
i'm bringing fancy muffins and sparkling apple cider to
toast yo in the car as we drive! there will be whoopin'
and hollerin'. there will be stories. there will be life
planning talk for all of us. we all want to figure out
where we're goin'. so there will be brainstorming.
there will be laughing. groaning about hiking. submitting
of art. and just bein' together.

it's all a game.
i want to play.
and this part of the game...
this part....is the really wonderful part of the game.
i'm gonna grab it with all i got!

all part of the game.....

i got seriously bummed tonite.

in the back of my mind i had been wondering
about my walks.
and safety issues.

but i love those things.
and don't want to even consider giving them up.

then my neighbor called tonite.
she wanted to know where i walked.
she had stories for me to listen to and she
was concerned.

i hung up concerned too.

and actually for the first time ever really
seriously thinking of stopping them.

it felt too big to even consider.
they are my favorite part of the day and they are
what keeps me sane.
how can i stop them???

oh, there's alternatives.
i thought of walkin' up and down my street
20 times. that'd be nice and awkward.

bob suggested a neighborhood a minutes drive
from here. i'd leave the secluded tree/construction
site and some problems in my own neighborhood behind.
and maybe that'd be good.

drive to go walk, huh?

blech.

so i've moped.
and cried a little bit.
and got angry.
and whined.

and then i thought of patty and her letter about
what the women and children go thru that she's helping.

um.....
okay.
big sigh.

this matters to me.
it's a big deal to me.
it's a piece of my sanity.

but it's not like i'm not creative.
i can adapt.
i can figure this out.

i think i need to be a big girl......listen to what my gut
is telling me....and adapt.

i don't like adapting.
and i don't think i'd adapt all that well tonite
if patty hadn't been on my mind so much lately.

shoot. i think of what she handles.
this is a wee bit embarrassing.
okay....a lot embarrassing.
i think i can handle this.

and so........i need to spend the next few days rethinking
how to keep my sanity.

i wasn't gonna walk tomorrow anyway. or monday.
so that gives me all that time to come up with a new plan.

part of me says this sucks so bad i don't even want to
think about it.
part of me says, suck it up ter and adapt. it'll be good.

who knew???
when the sky was playing with me today.....
and asked me to play....
this is all part of the game......

a little cleaning, a little thinking, a little singing....

the guys and i are gonna make it a family
weekend comin' up. so tomorrow we start goofin...

i have this minimum cleaning thing i gotta do.
i can't leave a dirty bathroom and i gotta get
the top layer of dust off the place. no dishes
in the dish strainer, then i'm okay to leave.
it's a hang up of mine.

so there i was on my knees, head behind the toilet,
cleaning the floor, listening to a song blarin'
in the bathroom.

the line comes on 'somewhere somehow someone
musta kicked you around some....'

and i thought of a note i had just received
from a friend.

he was sharin' something goin' on with him and
someone and it really sucked. he was gettin'
kicked around some.

but he was eating it.
cause he felt he had to.

then i thought of a conversation i had just had
about an hour earlier with a girlfriend who
was tryin' to figure a lesson out where she
got kicked around some.....

and i shook my head. kept cleaning and thinking.

we all get kicked around some.

the song continues....
tell me, baby, why you want to lay there and revel
in your abandon....

oh yeah.

everyone's got to fight to be free......

i'm done cleaning the floor, i stand up,
singing along....

oh yeah, it's easy for me to tell my friends
'what the heck you doin'? why you lettin' yourself
get kicked around some?'

but i know better.....
if it was easy, if it was black and white, if there
was never a family member involved, if it all made
sense, it would be so easy.....

i headed out to the living room to clean a bit,
still singing....

'you gotta fight to be free....'

non coherent part two.....

i looked out the window and saw the pink streaks
in the sky. time to roll...
popped on my shoes and stepped out into the morning.

first thing i noticed was the moon hiding just behind
some wisps of clouds. ohhhhh......you could still see
it....just misty.

walked a little further and it came right on out and
shone bright. then right back behind the mist....
like it couldn't make up its mind.

i looked up at it, 'i know how you feel.' i said.

there were clouds that made the funkiest prettiest pattern.
they took my breath away.
and there was patches of orange and pink. and a cream
color over there that looked so delicious i wanted to eat it.

seemed like there were thousands of moods in the sky.
and again, i looked up and said 'i know how you feel.'

josh stopped by last nite and told me yet another piece to
the story of the woman raped over at his work. his landlady
was kinda confused and told josh that the woman had 'lost'
three hours of time afterwards.

josh nodded and explained to her that people sometimes do
that with trauma. it's called dissociating, and they actually
kinda step out cause they can't bear to stay in.

my face was away from josh. i fought the tears back. and instead
of talking about the pain i was feeling, i commented on his
knowing about these things. that's so awesome.

i thought of this woman as i walked.
'she'll never be the same.' i thought.
it will always be part of her now.

the tears welled up inside.
i thought of my own stuff that won't leave me.
not rape. no.
other traumas. other things that are hard for me to put down.
try as i will.....they show their face over and over.
and bring the mists in front of me like the moon this morning.

i thought of the women and children in africa and here. and every
where. i thought of all that patty had written about.

i looked at the sky.
it wasn't pretty at all.
it surprised me.
it was an icky yellowish color.
like polluted kinda.

wow.
that so fits these thoughts.

i kept on thinking....

i thought about the pain involved and how it does
something to us and changes us. and drops walls at the same
time it puts up walls.

there are connections that are so incredibly real and raw
thru pain...the walls drop at certain moments and we see
each other's souls.

it's such a weird weird thing.
it's horrible.
and yet it's real. we all have trauma. and the touching of souls
that can happen when we share it....that part is incredible.

what a mix living is.

i got to my good morning world spot and the sky was radiant.

oh wow.
everywhere i look, a different mood in the sky.

as i walked home, i looked at the blues.
they weren't the perky let's go play blues.
they were the come, lay down and be, blues.

i thought of that and how perfect the color was.
and how i just wanted to be today. i wanted to just
hold things and be.

and then, on the very last stretch home, the perky let's
go play blues came out.

okay, i said.
just about throwin' up my hands.

'you're playin' with me' i said to the sky.
i've never noticed you do this before.

i felt something go thru me.
a feeling.
a thought.
yeah....it's all a game.
the whole thing is a game.
there's some sad parts, and hard parts, and
traumatic parts, and there's joyful parts, and
goofy parts, and satisfying parts.....
and it's all a game.

come, play with me.

i looked at the sky, bowed down to it,
and said okay.....i'll play.

a child of the universe.....

this made me grin thru half my walk....
a memory that came up for me....

it's a little embarrassing to type out
because i really sound like a weirdo.
but what the heck, i think it's funny.
i think i've posted it before, so how
embarrassed can i really be??? ummmm...
a little....

and bob....well, he sounds like a saint.
sometimes i really really wonder how he's
hung in there with me....

we were together a few years back.
just bein' together.
when all of a sudden out of the blue something
hit me.....it ran thru my head like a bolt of
lightening and i really 'got' it.....
i just stopped everything and sat up.

what?? he wanted to know.

i looked at him, kinda dazed.
how on earth do i tell him???

there was no other way.
i had to tell him with the very words that hit me.

and i looked at him, totally elated and said
'bob, i just really really got hit with this message.'

and he's really curious now.
'okay, what??'

'well.....well.....'
and thinking there was no other thing to do but just
say it, i blurt out 'i'm a child of the universe!'

i am just laughing as i type this and remember this.

i was so dead serious.
i totally 'got' that i was a child of the universe,
and i was elated.

it was at a time i felt really like i had no family.
no parents. and the whole idea of being a child of
the universe just felt so incredibly good.

i remember bob's face....
and i'm laughing.
how has that totally normal man who never heard words
like 'aura' or 'chakra' before or never thought he knew
anyone gay before, or never thought about any of this
stuff that fills my life.....how has he hung in there???

and as i walked today, i looked at the sky.
i had forgotten the feeling of being a child of the universe.
i had forgotten.

and i was remembering again this morning.
how do i forget these things???

i got tickled all over again.

i love that phrase too.....it just brings visions
of women in moo moo dresses to me with flowers in
their hair......

but as weird as it sounds to me......it tickles me
equally as much!!!!

i'm headin' to breakfast with a big ol' fat grin
on my face.....

a quick lunch!

josh's best buddy was in town yesterday.
and he drove out to see josh.

and i got an invite to lunch.
i didn't want to intrude, so i declined.
got a rather insistent invitation, so
accepted if it was quick and i gave them
time together on their own.

so i got to have lunch with two of my
favorite guys.

i call his buddy 'my other son'.....cause
he really is like one to me. a good good guy.

we were all in the kitchen making lunch and
josh gave the lead up telling me his buddy had
some interesting news.

i looked up thinking for sure it was wedding news.
nope.....maybe relocating back east before too long.

and so he filled me in.
and it was so cool to listen to this young man
and all that was goin' on in his life and his thoughts
and desires....

i'm always the 'go for it' influence. i'm always
tellin' him 'you want it, go do it.' and that's what i
told him again. i know he can do anything he wants.

what was cool was as the conversation went on thru lunch,
each of us shared things that were happening and each
of us valued what the other was saying and wanted their
input.

they weren't little boys by any means.
they are incredible young men with so much to offer.

as a mom, that never ceases to be a thrill to me.

to experience moments like that. well, that's the pay off,
isn't it??

and i thought of all the struggles that had been whirling
inside with all the talk of rape and violence against women
everywhere. i even talked to them both about it.

these guys......my sons and their friends.....
these guys give me so much hope.
these guys remind me of the greatness of men.

not bad for a quick lunch!