death buddies....

sometimes i swear that i really am a
child of the universe, and i get hugs
all over the place....
like today.......

some waves of grief have been coming up
for me for someone i lost awhile ago.....
her birthday is in may and so is mine.
thinking about may birthdays
must be bringing it all up for me.
altho, i didn't know it.

this morning tho, i looked at her picture
and asked myself what was up with me.
why the tugs at my heart right now?

and then a few hours later, i found myself
on the phone with a customer.

we were chatting and she reminded me that
we had connected around the time that my
father died. she reminded me that she had
sent me a poem. and out of the blue, she
said 'i'll send it to you again.'

i told her i'd like that, and that i had some
grief comin' up right now so it was very
timely.

i told her a little bit about it, and she
related with one of her own losses. and
we chatted a bit.

i told her i didn't know why it was coming up
now...it had been awhile ago. and then i realized
her birthday was coming up.

i heard myself choke up on the phone.

my gosh.
this poor customer!
i apologized for cryin' on her shoulder and
she said she thought maybe we were connected with this
stuff.

'we're death buddies,' i joked.
'and that's not such a good thing!' i laughed.

and she said.........

that was really an okay thing.

and later......when she sent me the poem.....
she reminded me that all kindsa buddies were good.

how cool is that?
she was actually comfortable bein' a death buddy.

and....just talkin' to her made me realize what was
goin' on with me. and.....it really helps to know.
i don't know why.
but i guess i can figure my heart may very well be
tuggin' all month, and that's okay.
there's a reason.....and it's okay.

death buddies......angels.....children of the universe....
there's a whole lot to this world isn't there?

lessons from the wormmies....

i decided to do something extra with my walking
route as it's just not long enough for me to
go to the places in my head i need to go to.

so i just changed it a bit to see if i could
connect to my inner child a bit more....

thing is.......i connected the second i stepped
on the road. so i think it's more intention and
openness than route.

i was knee deep into it with little terri when
the coolest thing happened....

we found a worm.

and i don't know......
i'm thinkin' it's cause i was kinda tuned
into this kid energy that i stopped.

it was goin' the wrong way....goin' AWAY
from the nice damp grass into the middle of the
dry street where he'd never make it. he's just
shrivel up and die.

i learned this when josh was a kid. i could never
take a walk with him without stopping for the
worms. there were some days there were so many
worms, we just never walked, we just did worm
patrol.....he'd toss all the worms back to the
cool damp places where they'd survive.

i always let him do the tossin' as i wasn't
big into worms and he seemed to have a mission.

but today....i don't know.....i was in kid mode.

so there i was bendin' over this worm actually
sayin' out loud 'you're goin' the wrong way, bud.'
i picked him up, which had to feel a little
rough to him and tossed him into the grass.

i thought of josh and smiled.

a little ways up the road, there was another.
okay, what the heck is with you guys, i asked
it....this was a big one. i stopped and looked
at it. 'you're a big fat wise one, aren't ya?'
and yes, the worm conversations were out loud.
at least my part of them was.

i picked him up and tossed him into the grass.

i noticed i wasn't as gentle with him.
he's big and fat, he can handle the toss....

and then.......yep.......you guessed it......
there was another.

this was a tiny one. ohhhh just a little guy.
i very very gently picked him up and tossed
him lightly over to the grass.

almost home when i saw a worm goin' the right
way!!! he was headin' straight into the place
that would make him thrive!

he did, however, have a fair distance to go.
but i didn't stop to help him. i knew he'd
make it...would take him awhile.....but he'd
do okay.

i turned into my driveway thinking about the
worms.....

what if, ms. ter, you were like those worms...
you were headin' directly in a direction that
would dry you out and make you whither....
what if you got picked up and tossed completely
into another spot???

what would you do?

i'd grumble.
i'd complain.
i'd say ouch a lot.
and i may even spend a good bit of time tryin'
to get back to where i started with which was
wrong in the first place.

hmm......

and the tosses???

when the worm was tiny and small, the toss was
more gentle.....when the worm was big and fat and
wise.....it was one heck of a toss....he could
handle it.

hmmmmm......

maybe there's a lesson in the worms for me
this morning......

i don't think i've ever said 'thank you' to
whatever force tossed me into a new direction
before.....

well, that's not true.......i have said thank you....
but it took me years to figure it out.

years later i knew.

what if you knew right when you landed.
splat.
that it was a good thing.

what if you KNEW?

just that easy

feeling completely mush minded this morning,
i grabbed a book and randomly opened it for
a little inspiration. (the book is anam cara)

the guy was talkin' about perceptions.

'how you see and what you see, determine
how you will be.'

made me think of a day years ago where i
traveled about a bit with a friend. we were
runnin' some errands. our personalities
were completely different.

at some point in the middle of it all,
in the parking lot, after conversing with
some stranger, she turned to me with this
look on her face and asked me 'do things
always flow your way like this?'

i looked at her surprised.
wasn't sure what she was talkin' about...
then realized...
i view my world as a friendly place. and
i interact with it that way.
she had a much more defensive out look on
things...and her life reflected that.

that was the first time i ever really saw
the perception thing clearly. it REALLY
does matter the lens you choose to look
out from.

it REALLY does.

now. i'd like to say i'm just wonderful and
friendly and life just always goes my way.
yeah.
that'd be nice.

but i got the perception thing with other deals
in my life. and i see how i perceive difficulties
sometimes.

he mentions that in this book - that we tend to
see difficulties as a disturbance, but really they
can be 'a great friend' to creativity.

yeah.
i haven't got that one down yet.

'a difficulty is a light; an insurmmountable
difficulty is a sun'

woe.

having just gone thru a pretty big difficulty,
and believing i got a ton of good out of it.....
i wondered how different it would have been if i
just knew, without even thinking about it, that
the challenge was my friend.

not the stopping myself thing where i say 'this
is good for me.' not that...
altho, that's where i guess i start......

but like that day with my friend....where i never
even thought about it. i just operated from a
friendly place with the world. it wasn't even
something i thought about.

oh......wouldn't that just be so cool???

so, maybe it's not really all the little actions
i need to work on tweaking...maybe it's just
adjusting the perceptions.

'just' doin' that.
did i say JUST???

like it'd be easy.........

but ya know........sure seems like it'd be life
changing.........

i did good.

i've been wondering how i would approach a blog
post about something that's been goin' on in my
life for a few weeks now.

it's incredibly personal, it's been way hard,
so many buttons and dredging of gunk involved...
how do i even approach it?

and i'm smiling this morning cause i get to give
the summary....
well....not the final summary......cause we won't
have that til the end of the journey....

but the one that goes with this tiny part of it
all that has felt anything but tiny.

i was telling him last nite what i had been doing.
i described what i had thought, what i had reacted to,
where i would panic and go off into a spin, how i
dragged myself back to a spot of love, and how i kept
reminding myself i wanted to operate from love,
i told him the parts about little terri, about the feelings,
the changing of old patterns, the moments of terror,
the longer stretches of fear, the reaching back into trust.

the whole deal.
i described it.
i teared up. i choked up. i laughed. i scrunched my face
in seriousness.
and i looked at him with eyes filled with sincerity.

i told him about acting out of a space of love with such
ease at one point that i surprised myself and told
myself as i was doing it 'wow, you really are touching
love here. wow. you really are living what you want to live.'

i finished. smiled at him thru tears and said
'i'm a really cool person.'

and i meant it.

i meant it!!!!!!!!!

i know that we're sposed to allow ourselves to be where we
are. and sometimes thru out all this, i did just that. i really
did. i felt and allowed.

at other times, i dragged myself out of bad spots and put myself
back into the spot i wanted to be in.

i really felt like i was doin' just that.
goin', pickin' myself up, draggin' myself to another spot and sayin'
'look. is this what you believe or is this? what is love in
this situation?'

and that question would be enough to keep me on track.
for a bit. til i lost it again, and then dragged myself back.

i think, for me, the dragging works sometimes. it's necessary.
i think it's a dance i must do with allowing me to sit and stay
where i am at other times.
drag and insist....release and allow.
what a dance.

and i think i danced and danced and danced with those things.

and i think that the overall deal was that i kept my eyes on
love. and being love. i saw that last nite.

i saw i'm doin' it.
i saw i'm serious about it.
i saw progress.
and i saw someone i really liked.

and for this morning, i just want to hold that.
because it means the world to me.

i did good. with a whole lotta help from my friends.
with a whole lotta help...i did good.
and i just want to enjoy that for a moment before i
step back into more dancing....

okay, i'll drive.

i had just decided i was gonna combine my walk
this morning with goin' for a cup of coffee.
i would just walk up to the coffee shop. was
tickled with this decision when noah, not knowing
this, plopped himself down and told me that he
really didn't think i should walk alone up that
way anymore.

huh??

are we mind reading now??

and he proceeded to tell me how he just took a
walk with his camera and how he met some guy
who was really really drunk up on the corner.

so drunk he introduced himself twice...with
two different names!

and then he launched into the funniest story.
complete with the guy having shown noah his
scar he got from a stab wound and his scar he
got from a bullet wound.

and here's my favorite part.........he got to
tellin' noah about the colors of people's souls.
he apparently had found jesus and was feelin'
pretty holy and was talkin' about people who
were just interested in money having green souls.

of course, inside as i'm listening to this story
i'm thinking 'did you ask him? did you ask him???'

and sure enough, noah turns to me and says 'so
i asked him what color his soul was.'

and i burst out laughing!
THAT'S my son!

i believe the answer was psychedelic rainbow.
while he got the psychedelic word out...i don't think
he got 'rainbow.' but noah helped him as he was
making hand signs in the shape of an arch.....

(and yes, i know there's a mcdonalds joke in here
somewhere....)

oh i'm laughin' just typing this.

ohmygosh. turns out the guy lives in the neighborhood.
and he was just astounded he hadn't seen noah around.

great.
just great.

and yes, i decided to drive to the coffee shop.

not cause of this guy.
he actually sounds like he'd be okay.
i mean, he's got a rainbow soul....

but i figure the timing for the message shouldn't be
ignored.

so i laugh and stay close to home.....

too many ters

a friend wrote asking about the inner child
work i do, wondering what was up with her
as it doesn't seem to work with her.

i have to smile.

i sit here and wonder what is up with me
because it DOES work.

i have GOT to be crazy.

honest to pete, if working with your inner
child isn't something that resonates with you...
then you're prolly very very normal.

which is a good thing.

i sit here and wonder if i've totally lost it
sometimes.

i've been interacting with mine for a few years
now and i see growth there.

huh??

what does that even MEAN???

here's what i feel like.......
i feel like i've shown her recently just how
committed i am to her, and that that has healed
something between us.

last nite when 'she' lost it....i held her.
and it was healing. it was being there for
myself in a way i needed.

i feel like i'm connecting with myself more,
i guess.

and i thought i was pretty good at connecting
with myself before i even found that part of me.

it feels healthy and right.
and completely insane.

and maybe giving myself permission to be insane....
publicly insane has been helpful too.

maybe just giving myself permission to do what i
need to do to feel sane even when it looks insane...
maybe that's the healing part.

who can tell?
maybe i'll go ask my inner teen.
she knows all the answers!

and there she was.....

wow.
did she come out today.
big time.

that inner child of mine.

she was upset, and she was gonna let me know it.

either she's gotten louder, or i've gotten way
more in tune...

maybe it's both....

i had been doing some writing at the computer anyway
so i just bopped up a blank page and typed it out.
what she would say to me.....

wow.
wow.
wow.

i thought maybe i'd break my keyboard in the process.

she has never come out like this before.

and you know what?

it felt great.

it felt absolutely necessary and good.

and then i stopped typing.
i put my head in my hands.
closed my eyes.

do you really think that? i asked her.

no.
that's just how she felt.

sigh.

okay.

and we did nothing.

i just held her and loved her.

that's it.

i didn't solve anything.
i didn't try to figure anything out.

i just held her and loved her.

what a powerful experience....

thunderously good...

josh came by last nite after attending
a seminar that we were all curious about.
stuff about manifesting your life.
that kinda thing.

the thing about that stuff that always
gets me hung up is that you need to
know what you want in order to manifest it.

kinda basic.
and i always get stuck there.

but oh my gosh....i got on the treadmill
this morning and that darn thing took me
to all kindsa good places.

one of which was seein' what i wanted...

it was fabulous!

i feel like i got off that thing in a completely
different mood than when i got on.

i don't have it down exactly yet....what i want
to go for in my life....but i've got more of an
idea than i've ever had before!

ha!

and that just feels sooo good.

i think i should get on that treadmill a whole
lot more often!

what i choose to concentrate on today is up to me.
ohhhh....
as soon as i typed that the sky roared with thunder!

how's THAT for an affirmation?!

fred just totally matters

i have a very very special friend....

fred.

and fred left this in the comments.
and i just watched it and died laughing.

i'm gonna post it on facebook and i'm
gonna watch this every day this week....

this is perfect.

fred........i so love you!

it doesn't matter

i loved her voice when she said it....
she said sometimes you have to just look at things
and say 'it doesn't matter.'

and her voice...
it was so peaceful.

it doesn't matter.

so i just walked thru my house imitating her voice.

brought me back to a time in my life when i was working
hard on releasing some people.

over and over again i would try to release.
finally i added hand gestures in and no matter where i
was, if i had a thought about any of them i would fling
my hands out and open like i was throwing something off
of me.

i remember doin' this in the grocery store, when i drove,
making meals...everywhere.

it helped.

i like this 'it doesn't matter' sentence.

gonna try it out a few million times and see if it helps....

cause you know.......
it doesn't matter.

compassion can make me grouchy

so i thought it must be about compassion.
the bigger lesson in all of this...

there's something whirling around inside of me
and i know there are things i can learn here.
and i sincerely want to figure it out and learn
them. i really do want to grow.

so i went out to my garden and thought about it
compassion....compassion....compassion....

'compassion makes me grouchy' i thought.
and yanked a weed up.

it really does.

decided i needed some help thinking this thru and
called my surrogate mom.

i told her what was whirling and how compassion was
all well and good but sometimes people were just
screwin' things up and it was real hard to be
compassionate then.

i was using different people, different examples,
and i was pretty passionate about the 'screwin' up'
stuff.

we both laughed.

and then we talked.....

and we kinda came to the idea that it wasn't really
time for compassion. that that wasn't what i needed
right now.

what i needed was the release stuff.
let it go.
back off.
it's not mine.

oh.
that stuff again.

that actually can get really complicated and hard.

what if you're watching people you care about hurt
each other?

go further....
what if you watch someone you love actually destroy
someone else you love....

what do you do?
accept it???

ohmygosh.
so we talked and talked.
and talked.

she mentioned something i could do in one of the
situations. and what is so cool is the trust and
support between us.

i said 'you know what i did when you said that???
i totally recoiled. wow. i recoiled. what does
THAT say about how far away i am from feeling the
love there??'

and she told me it was okay. that if i wasn't
ready for that, i wasn't ready. and that was okay.

maybe the compassion has to start with me.

maybe i need to just hold some compassion for me
the next few days. and then work on the releasing
and letting go.

and accepting.
accepting me where i'm at.
accepting the world where it's at.

my gosh.
that accepting thing...accepting the world where it's
at....accepting those around us where they're at....
that all works really well when they aren't pressin'
my buttons.

but the second the buttons start getting hit, i don't
know....it all goes out the window....

i want to learn from this.
see the bigger picture.
and sit back and say 'it really doesn't matter'
and smile and go back to work....

oh yes.
that's my goal.......

my favorite moment

the three of us sat at this tiny little
table in the coffee shop. there's not a lotta
room for privacy there...but what the heck,
we do the best we can.

she wanted to tell us something that was big
to her. but we didn't realize that. she didn't
intro it with a big thing, like i would have.
and like i had done earlier. in fact, i had
taken so long with the intro with my own big
news that one of my friends threw up her hands
and said 'would you just PLEASE tell it!'

laughing here...
she was much less dramatic.....and just started
a story. she leaned in close and told it quietly.
we leaned in close to listen.

and when she told us what happened my other friend
and i at the exact same time leaned back and made
the exact same gasping noise. in fact, we did it
so pefectly together that it was loud enough to
make everyone in the shop turn and look.

i looked around and laughed....
and then we leaned in and rejoiced with her.

she hadn't told anyone yet.
we were the first.

and what was so totally perfect was that we totally
got the bigness of what was going on. we totally
understood what this meant to her and we were both
filled with joy for her.

THAT was my favorite moment.
because THAT is one of the best things of friendship.

you know what matters to each other.
and you rejoice in the good and you cry with the hard.

i love that part.

affirming each other...

i told him the whole story....
he hadn't heard it yet.

it worked well as it had all occurred
over several days this week so i could
put it all together and tell him.

i'd get to one of the highlights and
he'd hit his head in disbelief.
get to another and he'd lean over on
his back and close his eyes.

'this is so bizarre' he'd tell me.

we laughed a bit....but we both knew
there was heaviness in it.

i told him 'i did good, i laughed a lot
thru it, i got agitated, i cried a bit,
but i mostly laughed. it's just really
hard to hold.'

later, he was holding me, stroking my hair,
telling me that it sounded like a really
long week. and then he said 'it makes so
much sense why you have trouble trusting.'

i could feel my whole body relax.

i struggle a lot with trusting deeply.
i try real hard. and i actually have learned
to trust a lot more than i ever have....
actually, honestly, i do pretty good.
but i beat myself up a bit that it's not
easier for me.

i don't really cut myself the slack that i
could sometimes that 'it makes sense that it's
hard.'

just that acknowledgment from him meant the world
to me.

to affirm each others journeys and how things can
take a toll...and how they do....and how it makes
sense......that is such a gift.

i am blessed with good friends who do that with me.

what i'm not sure they know is that their doing that
for me makes all the difference in the world. it's
what lays the ground for me to grow.......

feelin' so grateful for these people in my life.....

safe places and girlfriends......

they're two of my best friends...
and i get to have coffee with them this
morning......

i missed the last round as i had a cold.
and i tell you, it feels like forever
since i've sat with both of them.

one of them gives these great big wonderful
hugs. she lets me sink into her arms and
stay there if i need to.

she's a lesbian and is very comfortable
holding another woman. and i tell ya,
it makes her hugs way good.

it's gonna be an extra long hug this morning!

and what's so cool is i don't even care
about talking about all my gunk this week.
i just want to be with them. hear their
stories, laugh with them and just be near
them.

just be near them.

in their presence.

what a gift to have friends to feel that way
about.

i was thinking about it....and how there's
this incredible love between the three of us
that creates the safest place.

safe places.
my gosh, i like them.

and today.......i so want to hop in it and
stay for awhile.

comment inspired...

laughin' with great delight over a comment
i just got. the person didn't realize my
boys were men!

makes me think of a great memory....about
five years ago...so let's see....they'd be
about 20, 17 and 13...something like that....
they were big kids, right??? okay...mostly
men....and i was doin' festivals back then.

i was at an art gig about an hour south of
here....and my 'kids' were driving down later
that day to stop by and say hello.

i said all morning to other artists and people
there 'oh, you have to meet my kids! they'll
be here in a bit.'

and i guess i gush over them like they're five
or something. and i act like i'm five a lot of
times myself....so i guess people think younger.

i will never forget when the gorillas came walkin
up...and they all had this outrageous long unkept
hair back then....how people's eyes would get wide
and say 'THESE are your KIDS???'

laughin' with delight.
yes.
my men.
my apes.
back then they were my hairy apes.
i try to say 'guys' now and leave out kids or boys...
but i do slip...

and for the rest of that comment asking about home
schooling....it was THE best decision i ever made
regarding my kids. i couldn't speak highly enough
about it. the catch is...you have to want it. if you
want it.....do it.
if not, it's prolly not the thing to do.
that's something everyone has to decide for themselves
and the way that works best for you is the best
way. trust that. and for many people, it's a regular
school.

back away from the dysfunctions....

i've written about victims before.
it's a great word.
an empowering word.

when i find myself in the victim role,
i can see it, label it and choose to let
go if i want to.

sometimes i like to hang on to it a bit.
but not for too long.
i certainly don't want a life of it!

and i had this weird idea that no one did.

why i keep thinking everyone thinks like me
is beyond me.

i love pottery.
therefore everyone else must, right?
beep.
wrong.

i remind myself a lot with that example.

cause i honestly honestly cannot comprehend NOT
liking pottery. but i know there really are people
out there who don't.

well.......that's true for a lotta things, isn't it?

i spent a lotta energy tryin' to teach someone i
know not to be a victim.

he claimed he didn't want to be one.

oh great!
i thought, i'll just show him the ropes and he'll
be all set. i've been to class on this in my own
life and have learned a lot! i can tell him!

beep.
wrong.

there i go tryin' to educate the world again.....

he's made it very clear to me that he wants to live
the victim role. he denies it with his words...and
yet lives it to an extreme.

so when i got a note from him telling me how thoughtful
i was with his gifts i just gave him,
and that he sucked at being thoughtful....
well......part of me wanted to put my hand thru the monitor
and grab his neck.

i choose to just write a line telling him that being
thoughtful was work for everyone...
and leave it at that.

i think my lesson this week....the one that has crash
landed on my head is to back away from the dysfunctions.

my gosh.

back away. ter.
just back away.

i have enough of my own to deal with......

feelin' kind......

it's been one heck of a week.
my head has been spinning.
every emotion that could come thru
seems to have made the rounds.
three times.
at least.

so when i heard she wanted to talk to
me, i wondered if i should maybe wait
a day or two til i got a little less spinny.

i sat and thought about it.
you can do this, ter.
you can do this.

and so i did.
when i was all done,i stood up out of my chair
and said 'you were kind, ter. you were really kind.'

i smiled. made a joke to myself about ringing
necks...enjoyed the comic relief and then said
out loud again 'you were kind.'

i really liked that i was.
it mattered a lot to me.
it felt like that authenticity that i was looking
for. it felt real to me.

and to feel authentically kind is pretty awesome.

speaking from the ego, i had every right to
point out a thousand truths that would have stung
and made some really great points. a large part
of me wanted to.

so i am also authentically full of ego.

i am authentically full of a lot of stuff.
both good and bad......

but...but....but.......the kindness stepped up and
took over.

the other never would have been heard, and i would have
just created more hurt.

i walked this morning thinking about it.

it's particularly powerful for me as these particular
people in my life don't see me as kind at all.

they see me as non giving.

so i'm giving something from my depths that takes a lot
of strength to people who will never see it. who will
never see me.

ahhhh.........that used to break my heart.
that used to feel so tragic.

today it feels sooo empowering.
to know who i am.
and to know kindness is part of me.

and to feel, at least for today, that i can look someone
in the eyes who has a completely wrong perception of who
i am and tell them they haven't a clue. or not tell them.

to not even have to tell them.

and be okay with that.

there was a time i believed their wrong perceptions.

and then.......when i started to believe my own, my heart
still broke that they saw what they saw.

now, at least for today, i'm dancin' over me seeing what i
see and me knowing what i know.

and not having to educate them.

there is great relief in not having to educate the world......

noah's turn

okay....i didn't plan on it being 'brag about
your son day' but what can i say???

now that i've announced josh's cool blog,
an interview went up about noah!! how cool
is that???

the site is run by a really good friend of
mine, so when you finish up with the interview...
you can check out her site!

how cool is this???

click here to read about my geeky son!

josh's blog

i just read my son's blog.
this would be josh, the musician.

i really liked it and thought some of you
would too.....

thought i'd share.......

- josh's blog -

bein' gentle

i think it's kinda funny that my quote of the
days are talkin' to me....
i don't usually even pay attention to them.

this was today's.......

'believing that every thought counts,
every word matters,
and every action is power -
she chose to fill them
with gentleness and love.'

i read that and then walked.
the last few days have been filled with
bumps for me.

things that are pulling up old demons.

old demons generally unleash all kindsa
things in me...

i sat and did a little inner child work
last nite....was good. i haven't done
that in a long time. this style is some
writing in a journal.

what i saw happening was some wisdom comin'
out from my depths...and i don't want to
listen to it.

i have to laugh.....
great. you finally get some wisdom coming
out and you don't want to hear it.

hmmmm.....good, ter.
real good.

little terri hands me the wisdom then says
'you lead, i'll follow.'

oh great.

i lead with wisdom i don't want to hear.

this should be good.

and how interesting to get the challenge to lead.

and so i walked thinking about filling my
thoughts and actions with gentleness and love...

okay.....i can do that.
but first......i have to do that with me.
big terri.

cause i gotta tell ya, if a 48 year old woman
could crawl into a mama's lap and just curl
in there....i'd do it.

so the gentleness and love starts with all of
me.

it's weird.....i want to integrate me so there's
really only one me. but right now, i know there's
not. there's many parts. and when i choose to take
care of one part...i gotta remember all the parts.

i have a friend who's been reminding me.
she's been tellin' me this all along.
sometimes i'm dense....
but i got it now.

i walked and thought about being gentle with me.
acknowledging the pain that's surfacing and allowing
it. allowing me to be me. and knowing that that's
the first step to taking all these things i want to
mix together and live.

acknowledge where you're at ter....know you'll fill
your actions with gentleness and love.....
and start with you.

then you can lead, and all of you will follow.

the train roared in.....

as i walked this morning, i tried to figure
out what i was feeling.
was it overwhelm?
nah....
what was it?
so i just kinda focused.
there was this really heavy weight on me
that was resting in my stomach.

it was so heavy.
and when i felt it the tears just came to
my eyes.

i knew the source.
yesterday was one of those days that i got
steeped in family.

a friend had reminded me several times yesterday
to 'take care of little terri.'

her words came to mind.
yeah, now's the time, i thought.

i came in, got on the treadmill and said
okay.....let me tune in a bit here.

i needed to close my eyes to talk to that
little girl inside. so i grabbed the side
bar thingies, held on, walked, closed my eyes
and tried to let her know that i'm here. and
i'm payin' attention.

suddenly, i thought of that song that i love.
it's on my mp3 player. i stopped, ran over and
grabbed it. it's the song i sing to my inner
child.

it's not work out music, but it is tune in music....
and i needed that now. one of my best friends is
singing it, which adds so much to the power of it all.

hopped back on and played that song over and over
and over and over and over again.

i walked, i sang along, i cried and i held little
terri.

i don't need to figure any of it out, i thought.
i just need to hold her.

on my walk i had tried to look at it objectively.
all that i have experienced has brought me to who
i am now. it's an okay thing. as i was thinking this
i turned the corner and the whole sky was lit up.
yeah. i know, i really do know. so why the weight?

cause it's sad. it's just sad.
it's okay to feel that too.

as i walked, and sang to myself....something popped
in outta nowhere....

ter! all the lessons you've been mullin' the last
few days....think about them!

i remembered the detaching one. the one where i've
detached so much from some other people in my life.
where i really do know in my bones that it's not my
deal. not my drama.

i remembered the thoughts about wanting to be
authentic in every situation. wanting to be who i
am. wanting to stay open and real.

there was the quote about peace in the darkness....
holiness in it all......

there was the mulling about loss and using the losses
to loosen my grip. finding the gold.

to remember life is change...it's always changing.

all this stuff came roarin' in like a train.

ter! here's a chance to put that all into practice!

there's a possibility that i will be put on the spot
about something in the near future. maybe. maybe not.
but i'd like to be ready if i am. i had been thinking
yesterday what i would say. what my response would be.

well, ter!!!!
mix all these things together and then respond from
that spot.

that's your goal.

here's your chance.

it is what it is.
and it's not gonna be a story book ending......
so get over it. sing to little terri and keep going.

put the weight down.
and fly with the things you're learning.
use them to fly, girl.

i walked faster and faster and sang louder to myself.
the tears just flowin' now.

it's an opportunity....it's a chance to become more.
i remembered the thoughts on integrating little terri
and me......and how i don't even know what that means...
but this feels like it's a chance to do that.....

smilin' now....
and wonderin' where i'm gonna go with this.

and as far as that song goes....if anyone still hasn't
gotten it and wants it...you can download it for something
like a buck over on tough angels. the money goes to a great
cause, and you get to hear my friend singing to your inner
child....here's the link. scroll down just a bit and you'll
see 'diamond in the rough'.....i highly recommend it!

daily quote

oh my.
some crazy stuff in my life came up.
i've been huffin' all around the house.
i've been laughing thru the huffing...
but there's been some big time huffing.

i just came in from throwing some stuff
in the trash can. medicinal throwing things
in the trash. always feels better.

huffed out to the trash can...
huffed back in and sat down at my computer.

there were a couple of comments on our
quote of the day that we send out.

i wrote them. i don't pay much attention
to them.
but because of the comments, i stopped
long enough to take it in......

and my whole being just relaxed.

'to find peace in the darkness
and holiness in it all -
this i wish for you.'

hmmmmmmm.......i needed that today.
go figure.

split pea soup

walking, thinking of split pea soup.
i'm making some today.
josh and i were in the grocery store together when
i reached for the bag of dried peas.
he groaned and told me the story of how he first
heard of split pea soup.

apparently when he was little it was in one of the
story books we read. i got psyched about it and decided
to make some. according to josh, i psyched him up too
and he thought it was gonna be this wonderful thing...
and then he tasted it.....and he still remembers his
disappointment.

i laughed.
promised not to give him any and we continued shopping.
he had his cart, gettin' his own food...i had mine.

was odd and fun at the same time.

we stood in the produce section. i was telling him
something that was bothering me. he was tellin' me
what he thought. he stopped, looked around and said 'hey
look at us! we're like two old ladies in the produce
section! just gabbin' away.'

he always makes me laugh.

we talked serious, we goofed,we talked menus and food
and life and feelings.

we got home and he cooked food for himself to take home,
i cooked food for everyone that nite. his brothers
landed in the kitchen and everyone caught up with each
others days. josh headed home, we all headed off to
our things.

today i'll be finishing that split pea soup.
i'll be rememberin' my three little boys who would
gather round and listen to story books.

life keeps growin' and changin' and twistin' and turnin'.

i read this morning about embracing the passage of time.

wow.
there's a concept.

it all goes so fast, that's for sure.

just laughing.....

after a few family days....all is quiet here.
everyone's gone doin' their own thing and i'm
catchin' up on work.

something that feels real good is the alone
time feels just as good as the family time.

i'm packin' orders and thinking about last nite
and laughing.

we were all gathered in my living room. bob
was sitting next to me and we were going thru
all the vids on josh's ipod.

josh makes random vids wherever he goes.
for example....he was working on his car one
day and i guess he had the iron he just bought
still in the car.

poof.
random vid on how it wasn't just any ol' iron...
it was a man iron.

he's got a tie tied around his head for a headband,
he interrupts himself to listen to how great the
car sounds in the background (he has it running to
test something) and leaps into his terminator voice
impressing on you the fact that the iron is a man's
iron.

there's another one where he and his brothers want
to figure out just what exactly happens when you
whack an orange with a baseball bat. noah cameras,
zakk pitches, josh is the batter. splat.....he hits
the orange and the camera pans to zakk wiping orange
gunk outta his hair.

he's got a bunch of these on his phone.
he's a born entertainer and sometimes it just oozes
out of him.

as we flip thru, we find one he made about bob.
we're all at the table talking and the camera
zooms in on bob. you can hear josh's voice say
something like 'and this is a bob. we found this
fine specimen in the wilds about five years ago.
he seems to have adapted nicely....'
and on and on he goes as the vid runs on bob
talkin' to josh's brothers at the table.

as if this all isn't fun enough, bob decides he
must erase this vid.

the moment this realization hits me, i push him
over on the couch.

this isn't a namby pamby push....this is a
SAVE THE VIDEO push! i push him down. and hop
on his back and scream. both knees are in his
back and i'm waving my arms and screaming.

his face is shoved into the cushions and he's
laughing and goin' for the ipod to erase the vid.

josh leaps into action. he runs over to yank the
ipod out of bob's hand. he's yanking and yanking
and then we realize....ohmygosh.....don't yank on
his arm! (he's still recovering from shoulder surgery)

bob realizes this to and changes hands to hold the
ipod.

even one armed he's way way stronger than me.
i wrestle a bit, give up and just cover his eyes.
kneeling on his back i stick my fingers in his eyes
trying to cover them....all the while screaming
hysterically and dramatically.

josh is running from one arm to the next, bob is
laughing, and i'm holdin' my fingers tight over his
eyes so he can't see the delete button and push it.

noah is workin on his bike in the living room.
he's quietly cleaning it and watching us with this
amused look on his face. calm as ever.

zakk is bemoaning the fact that he's not getting THIS
on video...

finally.....finally......josh gets the ipod.
bob lands on the floor and i kneel on the couch
victorious.

and a little apologetic for pokin' his eyes out.

there's good natured laughing and then we all go
back to talking.

it's just one little blip in the rhythm of family.

as i pack orders today and think of this i just smile
and laugh.......

i hope we still do this when we're eighty.
could be something josh will really have to vid.....

goals

there's been this drama that has been goin' on for
years and years and years on the edges of my life.

it used to be right smack in the middle of my life.
but that's cause i put it there.

after a whole lot of frustration, tears and gettin'
nowhere, i finally learned to put it out on the
edges. it wasn't mine to fix. it wasn't mine to live.

i just happen to be way involved with one of the big
members of the drama.

so i watch a lot.

this weekend the drama flared up a little.
and i didn't flare with it.

ahhhhhhh....can't even begin to say how good that feels.

he misread me at one point and thought it had.
i grinned.
oh no.
oh no.

you are mistaken.

i think it's sad.
heartbreakingly sad.
but it's not mine.
and i can't fix it.
and it's sucked too much life outta me.
my goal now is to just be there for you when you need it.
help you think of things in different angles.
and then let it go.

i sit here kinda stunned that i've made it to this point.

this weekend that point was tested.
i watched myself.
i stayed detached and tried to keep my eyes on the goal.

this feels like such a triumph for me.
now..........to take the lessons from this and carry it
all over the place.

i don't need anyone else's drama.
i really don't.

and if i can combine that idea with the idea below about
being authentically me in every situation.........
ohhhhhh i'd be so rockin'!

goals.
goals.
goals.

i'm likin' them..........

thinking out loud....

okay, here's a rambly thought i haven't quite
figured out yet....but seems like it could be
worth pondering.....

bob said something about me that was
completely opposite of something my ex had
once said about me.

i heard both their voices ringin' in my head.
and the first thought i had was something like
'we create whatever we want for ourselves. how
we are is up to us. and we can create anything.'

okay. i like that.
i was kinda puttin' the entire thing on myself.
that i create my own reality.

but then i got to thinkin' a bit more about it.

it matters to me who else is involved.
it makes sense to me that these two people that
i feel very differently about said opposite
things about me.

i don't think either one of them really thinks
about how they fit into what it is they said.
they don't think of how they fit into the
equation.

but the OTHER person in the equation matters so
much.

if you're my girlfriend, and we've had lotsa
close conversations, when i meet you for tea,
it's gonna be natural and easy.

if you're someone i just met, it'll be entirely
different.

makes sense.
a no brainer.

but! i was wondering...........is part of really
being strong in yourself....really being present
in yourself.....however you want to word that...
is the ultimate of that NOT changing with whoever's
in the situation??

of being the same loving, open, trusting person
in all the situations.

of course, i get there's
times when you can't for your own safety...i'm not
talkin' about those. i'm talkin' about your everyday
situations. with people you like and you don't like.
people you love and you don't love.

and then that brings it all back to being up to you
to create your own reality.

the other people in the equation make a huge difference
to me.

and i'm thinking it would be really fun if they
didn't.

gonna go give that some thought......

a great nite.....

it wasn't lost on me for one minute that my
neanderthal man not only agreed to attend the
elizabeth gilbert talk with me, he went out
and ate at a vegetarian restaurant beforehand
too!

and then, he stood in line way early to get in
to the talk. then sat forever to hear the talk.
with women everywhere.

he was describing it to my sons earlier today.
'there were 1100 women and 8 men.'

i laughed.

the talk was tremendous and i felt like she
was talking straight to me and that it was all
for me. it was great.

she truly is one of my heroes.
and it's funny too, as i'm not a big 'eat, pray
love' fan.

bob thought i musta been the only one in the room
who wasn't into that book. and yet i loved her so
much.

but my favorite moment happened while we were
waiting for the talk.

bob's on one side of me, and a woman i don't know
sits down on the other side.
she's younger than i am, and a complete and total
fan of elizabeth's. she's youthful and full of
adoration and awe and vibrantly gushing about
elizabeth to me. as i finish up chatting with her,
i turn to bob who's got his blackberry thing out
checking the winds for the next few days for his
fishing.

he's hoping to go out on his 'cast and blast' trip
monday. hunting in the morning, fishing in the
afternoon.

he grins at me, mentions something about cast and
blast and the winds.

the woman on my other side is eagerly texting her
friend about elizabeth gilbert.

and i just sat there grinning.

i was sitting between testosterone and estrogen
and i loved it.

a nite i'll always remember.........

loss

i've been hearin' here and there from some of the
family and friends of the woman who passed away
recently. the woman who was a bone sigh customer.

it's so hard when i feel the pain someone's in.
i want to just jump thru the screen and grab their
hand and hold on with them.

and i don't know these people and have no idea
how to do that without intruding.

this happens to me a lot with people who come thru
my mail box. customers will tell me some of their
stories, i can feel the pain, and i have to hang on
to my desk so i don't go flying thru my computer
screen trying to touch them.

that might just scare them a bit even if i could
do it!

thing is..i don't know why i want to do that so
badly. i have nothing helpful to offer.

if i only had some kinda secret i could let them in
on. if i could only take the pain away and give them
some light.

and when death is the pain....i am totally lost on
how to help.

loss isn't my forte.
i suck at it.

all i can think of saying is it's gonna hurt a ton.
and it's gonna be really dark.
and if you feel it, if you really walk thru and feel
it, i think you might find something you don't expect
to find.

oh that's helpful.

but i'm not even sure on the finding stuff.

the hardest death i've had to hold still haunts me.
and looking thru it, i'm not sure if i've found any
gold nuggets.

i certainly would trade the experience to not have
had it and have that person still alive.

but maybe i haven't found the gold yet. maybe it doesn't
have to come in the dark dark dark. see, the dark has
faded some for me with that passing.

it's faded some.
altho, when i really sit with it, my stomach still gets
sick.

and maybe that's cause i haven't found the gold yet.

i do know there's an acceptance i hope to get one day...
an acceptance of the flow of life. of the cycles. of
the coming and going and the okayness of that.

i haven't gotten it yet.

but i believe it's there to be gotten.

i believe why i haven't gotten it is because i'm stubborn
and i want to hang on and i refuse to believe life is change.
still.
still.
i keep telling myself all life is is change.
but i still want it to stay the same.

i think i may get it one day. i haven't lost hope on myself
for getting that concept down.

and maybe with each passing i feel, that person will help
me release my fingers.

ya know........this just popped into my head........

maybe whether there's a gold nugget or not for us to find
in every loss....maybe that is entirely up to us.
they're not there if we don't make them there.

it is up to us to create the gold.
we are our own alchemists.

and what we do with every situation is ours for the choosing.

yeah....easy to type.
not so easy to live.

but i will keep trying.....
because i am my own alchemist.

sherry's comment.....and her blog!

okay....don't want anyone to miss this........my buddy
sherry, from pot luck herbs left a comment on the 'more'
blog....which is soooo awesome!

i was joking today on facebook about this great phrase
i'm totally in love with - 'quantum entanglement.'

my gosh, isn't that the prettiest phrase??
i had read about it before, fell in love with it. forgot
all about it and then read about it again this morning.
and i just don't ever want to forget that phrase.

and now.......i don't think i will! cause sherry put it
together with my inner child stuff! ha!

how awesome cool is that?! so just in case you missed it...

>>>>
I don't know if this will make any sense...but I think the key to achieving what you want, combining your "inner child" and your "adult woman" is a matter of perspective. It's like your phrase, you just need to realize that the two are "quantumly entangled!" There are times and places for everything, and that's where the adult side comes in, that's your mind that judges what to say or do when, but your heart IS your inner child. Opening your heart *is* the key, and trusting that yourself is the safest place to do that....anyway...yeah..not sure if that made sense!
>>>>>>>>>

thanks, sherry!
i love this!!!!

i just went to get sherry's link for her blog, and i read her
last post...and well..she could prolly use some extra love if
you guys want to stop by and give her some....i know how good you
all are at that.....

serious goofin'

wow.
timing.
gratitude.
knowing just how lucky we are....

last nite i sat with my mp3 player and my
computer, determined to load some songs on
that thing without the help of my sons.

josh had borrowed it and wiped it clean.

this can't be hard.

i tried.
thought i had it.
looked at the player, thought maybe not.

darn.
i'm gonna get this, i thought.
zakk wandered in just then.
he saw what i was doin' and said 'let me see.'

'i wanted to do this on my own' i whined.

he took two seconds on the computer, unplugged
the mp3 player, looked, showed me my songs were
there and grinned.

'you had it already.' he said.

i thought he was grinnin' because i was a dope.

but this morning as i was on the treadmill,
songs that i hadn't put on started playing.
i laughed.
i shoulda known.
he'd already loaded some on.
and he wasn't gonna tell me.

i was tryin' to finish up on the treadmill when
'eye of the tiger' came on. a song i had not loaded.
a song i don't even have on my computer.
i grinned.

i couldn't just turn that song off.
so i kinda finished up, got off, but kept boppin'
around to the music thru the house.
completely loving zakk for messin' with me.

i've been thinking about him all morning.
about how he likes to play. and mess with people.
and how i want to do more of that back to him.
was just loving him and appreciating him.

when i got a note from a friend that blew me out of
the water. about friends of hers and the health
problems of their very special kids.

serious big time really awful stuff.
where they still find and give love constantly.

i was so moved.

i thought of how lucky i was.
felt almost spoiled.
man, it's so easy compared to what they've got.
it's a complete piece of cake.

i thought of how i was feelin' about zakk.
how much i loved him.
how i wanted to play more and goof more with him.

we have so so so much.
we need to sit and think about that sometimes.

i need to celebrate that and enjoy that.
i'm thinking today is callin' for some serious
goofin'.

some way serious goofin.

in celebration for all that we have....
and in prayer for those who are struggling.....

sanity checks

i called her to see what kinda damage we had
done the other day.....
figured we had stirred up a lot and she was
dealing with it all.

yeah, sure enough.
altho, she was a good sport about it and said
it needed to happen.

i asked outright 'did we stir it all up?'
there was a sigh.
then i laughed.
then we both groaned.

a lot of the conversation was like that.
sighs and groans and then laughs.
and you could just feel the love between us.

we didn't need to talk about it.
we already had.
and we both knew that the waters would be
choppy for a bit for her.

cause that's the way it goes when you stir.

we both know it.

what's really cool is when you're close enough
that all you have to do is stand near by.
be ready with an ear, but sometimes it's just
the standing nearby that matters.

we both have been thru enough choppy waters to
know it's part of the deal...
but havin' that person standin' there near you...
that's the thing that keeps us sane.

yeah, i was her sanity check yesterday.
but my gosh, she's been my sanity check many
many times.

we laugh about that.
how we're in trouble if we're the sanity checks.

but i don't know......the love between us sometimes
feels like one of the most sane things i know.

more...

so i get a note sayin' 'huh??' about my blog below.
laughin' and laughin' here.........
(you may want to read that one first)

my buddy claims that i've already integrated my
inner child. i think she said that. grinnin' here...
she's asking if the whole deal is more just about
trust.

ahhh...........

no i squeal!

and i can feel the inner child surfacing!

altho, it's totally totally tied together.
it's like the knee bone connected to the leg bone thing....

the trust issue's connected to the inner child issues
which are connected to the open heart issues....

but here's the thing.........
i can't live totally openly without being a child.

okay.
okay.

will i ever REALLY live totally openly.

nope.
doubt it.
really really doubt it.

not sure i even really really want it.

but........close to totally.
pretty close.
way open.

i want way open.

i want my heart to open and open and open.

cause i think god's in there.

grin.

yeah.
i do.

sooooooo.............

can i be a child?

no.

i'm and adult.

i'm a woman.

and there's beauty in that.
wisdom in that.

i don't want to lose that.

but i want to COMBINE THE TWO!

and i mean.......REALLY combine the two.

now.
what the heck does that mean???
I DON'T KNOW!

i honestly don't know.

i never did it before let alone even had the thought
much before a few months ago.

but maybe there's a creature that is both.
woman and child.
open and touching god.

maybe there is.

maybe that's what i'd like to be when i grow up.

not sure.

but i do know this......
it's more than a trust thing.

it's a way of life.

and if i had even had a the slightest glimpse of this
years ago, i would have said no one on earth would want
to journey with me as i do this. no one on earth would
think i was sane, let alone love me.

and then bob kinda stumbled into this whole thing.....
and he's game.
he even likes it.

go figure.

so.
bottom line.
i don't know what i'm talkin' about.
but i do know what i'm feeling.

and it's different than anything i've ever felt before.
and the open heart seems even more possible now.
and i think i need/ed bob's help for this.

here's the thing tho......
it involves me opening.
it involves me becoming more of who i am.

and i'm not sure how.

and i'm thinking this cleared up nothing!
it still is as clear as mud like my last post!
that's cause i'm as clear as mud right now!
but i'm laughing and i'm happy......
and i don't care.....i'll figure it out as i
go along!

i hope!

treadmill thoughts

there's been an odd thought that's been kinda floatin'
around inside of me. i haven't talked about it,
because even for me, it's weird.

it has to do with my inner child.
i don't know how to explain it, but a lot of me is
that child. i can feel the wonder and excitement
and the sadness in a way that i know is thru her eyes.

somewhere there's been this vague idea growing that
i want to really...oh what's the word??...maybe integrate?
combine us. become much more one with that child.

how in the world do i even try to explain that to
anyone when i'm not even sure what i mean?? i just have
a feeling. i just know that i need to 'let her out' more
while at the same time know it's who i am. i've talked
about this before...but this is with a deeper twist. it's
taking it all to a much further point.

and how do you do that??
i don't know. so i just let the idea float around.

and then...in an intense conversation with that guy of
mine, he started talking about that very thing. all on his
own. i had never mentioned this to him.

we had talked of this stuff before. but never at this level.
never this integrating stuff.

he knew.
i was stunned.
just stunned.
i asked him how he knew.
how on earth did you know????

he called me a knucklehead and told me what he saw.
wow.
he saw it first.

and his seeing it, and the way he told me, turned into one
of the most powerful moments of my life.
honest to pete, it felt as important to me as giving birth
to my kids.
maybe because something was also being born in that moment.

to have a place that is so safe you can bring out your
inner child. she's not only allowed, she's welcomed.

i thought about this on the treadmill this morning.

and something hit......
it may be a no brainer to everyone else on the planet, but
i felt like someone just turned the lights on.....

to protect that part of me and keep her safe, i close pieces
of myself. i close up parts of my heart.

my goal in life is to open my heart.
i can't fully do that if i keep that part of me hidden.
and then if i integrate that part of me....just think how i
could open!

to have someone i love offer me a place for that part of me....
offer me a safe place....encourage me to bring that part out....
and understand what i need to do with that part of me...and be
okay with that.....

to want to take it to another level with me.....

and then for me to actually trust that he means it....
and to accept......

well, my gosh, it kinda takes my breath away.
which worked real good as i was outta breath on the treadmill
anyway!

maybe to love someone is to make that space for them.
and maybe to love yourself is to accept it and revel in it.

and maybe, just maybe, the journey just gets deeper and deeper.

a quiet deep soarin' inside....

two things have happened to me recently that have grown
my heart or deepened it or....yeah......i guess
opened it wider.

and i'm walkin' around this morning working and
at the same time my insides are kinda doin' this
soarin' around kinda thing.

one was with bob last week. we hit territory that
we had never hit before. good territory.
something so deep and profound, that i do believe
it changed part of who i am.

i feel different inside.
good different.
i haven't been able to write about it because it
is so incredibly deep inside of me.

and then this morning.....i called to check in on
a friend. i was worried about her. talked to her
yesterday and she didn't sound so good. but said
she was fine. so this morning i wanted to make sure.
called again.

she choked up and told me there was something she
needed to tell me. part of her story that she's
never shared with anyone. and it was time to tell me.

i knew there were parts she's left unsaid. and i knew
they were tremendously difficult stories because of
the ones she has shared. those were big league hard.
so if she's not telling me something....it was even
beyond those.

and so we talked. and she shared. and she handed me
the story that she's 'most ashamed of.'

oh my heart felt so heavy for her. to carry that around
all this time feeling shame. we talked of that.
we cried over the pain of it all and i gently reminded
her to show herself compassion.

she's just now beginning to have feelings come up,
she said. and she wants to feel them. and we talked
of that.

at the end of the conversation i told her how much i
loved her and thanked her for trusting me.

she joked a bit about not wanting to come back and do
this all over again. she's a believer in reincarnation.
and she commented on how hard this life is.

i agreed it was hard. and told her i had just been
wishing i could make it easier for a neighbor.

but then...i heard another view come out of my mouth.

told her about how moments like we were sharin' right
then, about the love and trust we shared just in having
that conversation....that that felt so deep and real
and incredible to me. and how THAT right there was
worth coming down to the planet for.

i thought of feeling changed and deepened from bob's
love in me. how deep and strong and incredible that feels.

i thought of all those heart things that matter so much
to me....

how all that is worth coming down and muddlin' thru all
this stuff we muddle thru.

how it's changing me.

how it's all changing me. the good and the bad. the hard
and the incredibly powerfully good.

and how i like the changes.

i think of my friend's pain she's been carryin' for years
and i feel so sad....
and yet,i think of the trust she just showed me and i feel so
grateful.

the trust and the love lived thru the pain.
it lived on.

and it will do more than live on.
it will grow and change us.

if we let it.......

feelin' for her this morning......

i went to visit with her yesterday.
figured it was a beautiful day, we could
sit outside and chat.

she was still in her jammies. and this
wasn't one of my 6:30a.m. visits with her.
it was lunch time.

i was surprised. never seen that happen
before.

she wasn't lookin' so good. more than once
she slipped in a sigh with a comment of
'it's a big world out there.'

hmmmmmmm.

when she said that with the tone she said it
with, i sat still and waited. was there something
on her mind?

gave her a little space to tell me, but she didn't
seem to want to go any further.

she headed in a dreary direction with the world
and the next generation and i turned it to some
fun and made her smile.

but even her smile wasn't the same yesterday.

as i walked this morning i couldn't get her off my
mind.

i know she's not doin' good. but i don't think i want
to really know how hard it is. sometimes i think
about it, and when i do, i don't know what to do
with it all.

the guys and i have talked about how we have to kick
in more for her and be around more for her. and we've
all been workin' on that. they go down to help her out
and stay for a long time just chatting with her.

i know she needs company and that we can give her.

but we can't take this part of the journey away.
i keep tellin' myself there's some good you get out
of this part of the journey....but my gosh, sometimes
it's hard to believe that.

how does it feel to be in your eighties, on your own,
with failing health?

ohmygosh.........will i have the strength for that kinda
thing?

i don't even have the strength to watch HER go thru it.

i walked by her house this morning. shades still down.
i know she didn't get out at all yesterday. she always
gets out. always works in the yard. it's what keeps her
goin' she says. and yet, yesterday....she never made it
there.

i think i'd really like to redesign the end of life.

maybe i need to redesign my heart so it can handle stuff
better.

i know that life isn't all sweetness and light....but my gosh,
sometimes i wouldn't mind if it was a bit MORE sweetness
and light. 'specially for older people.

feelin' for my neighbor this morning......

definitely a fan......

i haven't seen him since he got married.
he and his new wife are living with his parents
across the street til their house is ready to
move into.

the only time i saw them outside, i had a really
bad cold, so i stayed inside. but i reaaaaaaly wanted
to go outside and hug them both.

last nite bob wanted to look at a house across
the street that is being spruced up to sell.
bob is forever curious about stuff and checking
things out. i'm generally curious about completely
different things.

so while he's checking out all the new fix ups that
have been done, i notice my neighbor get in his car.

i walk to the end of the driveway.
i am so gonna snag him, i think.
i want to just SEE him and smile at him.

i stand there as he pulls down his driveway and turns
his car my way.

i stand their with a completely dopey grin on my face.
and wait.
i'm sure my whole aura is saying 'there's no way you're
gonna drive right by me.'
sure enough,
he pulls over, the window slides down, and there he
is with his own completely dopey grin.

it's a moment i so hope i always remember.

he's a cool black guy.
around here, cool black guys have their seats leaning
way back.
wannabe cool white guys do this, but they don't have
the same feel for some reason.

my brain sees the seat back like that and enjoys that
for some reason.

so there he is, seat leaned back, lookin' at me with
this completely dopey inlove smile. it was sooooooooo
wonderful.

my entire being was grinning at him.
told him i've been dying to see him and that i just wanted
to tell him how tickled i was for him.

are you happy? i asked.

and my gosh, i can count on one hand the amount of times
i've seen a guy glow like that.

told him i hadn't met his bride yet.
he apologized up and down about how he'd been runnin'
everywhere and had been meaning to bring her over.
i laughed.
told him no big deal, i would snag them when i saw them
outside. told him i didn't want to slow him down, get
goin', but just know i was so happy for them.

i have always loved this guy. just adore him. and to
see him so happy just sent me to the sky feelin' good.

bob and i wandered back to my house and met my guys
who had just landed. we were all hangin' out front when
the new bride pulled in across the street.

i stood up from sittin on' the stoop. 'there's the bride!'
i said. 'i'm gonna go meet her!'

'mom, don't you think you should wait til she gets outta
the car???'

'mom, you sure that's her??'

'mom, what if it's not her??'

i kept walkin'.

i heard bob say to the guys 'i think she's gonna go meet
whoever it is.'

i laughed.

walked up to the beautiful young woman as she got out
of the car.

said hello, and she gave me a great big hug.

i loved her immediately.

i told her that i had just saw her husband pull out.
and told her...'ya know, i asked him if he was happy.
and i gotta tell you, he's not just happy. he's PROFOUNDLY
happy!' and i laughed and she laughed. and i hugged her
again.

'thanks for making him shine like that,' i told her.
told her that she was absolutely beautiful and i was so
glad she was his wife.

told her i'd catch her later and really say hello, that
i just wanted to tell her that....

and i wandered home.

the guys were laughing at me. but i could tell they were
all glad i did that.

and ever since then, i have been smiling.

they were the complete personification of being in love.
they just oozed that shine and glow and radiance.

i wasn't even cynical at all.
i was totally filled with joy.

their love gave me that.

and i thought about all the things love can do.
all the great things....and so many things that we don't
even realize.

i'm definitely a fan of love.

just mulling.....

i ended up in this great conversation with
noah and zakk yesterday. we were talkin' about
how we felt about what we've been thru together
and how we get by and all that kinda thing.

i told them that when i started bone sighs it
was because of them. that i had to feed them.
and they were my fuel to do what i had to do.
and how i couldn't have done it without that
fuel. and now it's something i want to do for
me. that they don't have to be part of the picture
any more and it's become very significant on
its own.

and then we talked about how they learned how
to do so many things for me. making web sites
and fixing cars and everything you can think
of for me or for us as a family and how that was
their fuel. for us to get by. and how now they're
taking that stuff and doing their own thing with it.

what a really cool road we've been down. we
talked of the incredible dance of the team of
a family and how much we've grown. how being a family
has really been an occupation.

then, in a later conversation, josh brought up
the mining tragedy in west virginia. while we're
all moved by the story, josh has really really
been hit hard by it. he says he keeps thinking
that could be him if he grew up there. one of
the guys who died was his age.

he talked about giving up so much of your life
to go underground and be in the mines. and then
of course, the accident. there was a ton of threads
to it all. but the one i bring here is his thinking
out loud about how much of our lives do we sacrifice
for our occupation?

i thought the timing was interesting.

i was at the kitchen sink listening.

and i was thinking of the conversation earlier with
his brothers.

the gratitude i had felt earlier deepened even more.

there's been more struggle lately than i like in tryin
to keep it all together here. but my gosh, we're doin'
it......and it's not just a job, it certainly isn't
anything that could ever even kinda compare to going
into a mine for years and years....or....not....if it
ends in a terrible accident. we are so darn lucky.

so darn lucky.
and in the process of it all, we've grown ourselves
right along with it all.

i don't think i could feel more grateful right now.

and i want to keep that question josh asked last nite
always in my head...not just about my job but about
anything....

how much of our lives do we sacrifice for anything?

seems like a good one to keep in mind........

zig zaggin' thru the weirdo parts

ohmygosh, it was just too gorgeous out not to
take a long walk. the weirdos would have to bug off
cause i wanted to be out in it. it's cooler and i
love the cool...

little did i know 'weirdos' would be a theme today...

so out i went. and i got to thinking about a conversation
i had with a friend yesterday about success. she was
pondering what success really was, and we did a little
email exchange with some ideas.

opening my heart ends up in those kinda conversations.
bottom line that's what i think i need to do.
and we talked about the hard moments when that's really
hard to do....and how doing it is success to me.

so i was thinking about all that AND some goofy stuff too.
got to talkin' with some buds on facebook about childhood
games. it brought up a bunch of memories. something i didn't
include, cause who the heck cares, was some goofy thing i
did when i walked. just kinda zig zagged my feet over the
middle line of the road.

so, as i walked, i thought, ya know.....what the heck....
i looked up to see where i was to see if i was alone. just
one house, and he sleeps late.

so i started zig zaggin' up the street and laughin' and
wonderin 'how i knew that guy slept late. and then the
memories started all comin' on in.

he's an older guy. old enough to be my dad. my sons and i
had been friendly with him and helped him with a project or
two. and i'd see him around a lot. we had been in each others
kitchens sharing a tea. that kinda thing.

this was all years ago, when i first split up. i hadn't seen
him around, was worried...remember...in my mind, he was an old
guy...and called. didn't get him. left a message.

days later, still no word, i called again. same deal. left a
message. and yeah, my messages can be long and goofy and fun
and well....not just call me back.

days after that i was driving by, saw him, pulled over to check
in with him and he was really angry with me. really really
angry.

apparently the timing of my calls were at the exact time he
was trying to woo his girlfriend (who was old enough to be my
mom) back into his life. and he thought i DELIBERATELY called
to mess that up.

huh???
huh??????????

i remember sitting in my car, watching his anger, and being
completely stunned. and completely hurt.

it was a time in my life i was incredibly wounded from people
close to me not seeing me.

i couldn't take it.
i remember being totally astonished, telling him he was completely
mistaken, and driving away.

i've been hurt for years over that one.

and today i am laughing my self silly over the whole thing.

as i zig zagged up the hill, past his house, i started laughing.

you have GOT to be kidding me! um....you're an old man. excuse me!
are you just a little bit bizarre or what?!!

i mean, even if he was this guy my age that i had some kinda thing
for..ummm.......excuse me??? would i really do that????

and i just started laughing and laughing.
and for the first time since it happened i totally saw how incredibly
ridiculously bizarrely funny it was.

this man is one of the most anal people i've ever met and he's really
uptight and grumpy. AND HE'S OLD!

i mean, old is relative.......but PLEASE!

so then it all hit me.......

i was remembering how hurt i was. i was remembering how much self doubt
i had in myself. stuff like 'my gosh, terri, you're just too darn
friendly. you can't be so friendly with people. you give wrong messages.'

um.
excuse me.

but i didn't give that message.

someone made that up!

my dad used to tell me i was too friendly.
would tell me things like 'it would help if you didn't treat everyone
in the world like your best friend.' and he'd scold me and mean that.

um.
excuse me......

this isn't my problem here!

and i laughed and zig zagged and felt so free.

i want to open my heart. and there have been times when really
weirdo people have stopped me, slowed me down, closed me up.

and i think some of those people are weirdo thru and thru, like
my ol' man up the street, and some of those people just have
weirdo parts. like a lotta people have weirdo parts. and they put
stuff on you.

they put their weirdo parts on you.

and we take it. or at least i do. and i take it and i subdue
myself and tell myself i need to be different because i must
be doing something wrong.

how about not.

and then i thought of my conversation with my friend yesterday.

do i want to die and look back and realize that i didn't open as
much as i wanted to cause of some weirdo people who got mad at me
for their own bizarre little deals???

oh no.
oh no.

and i don't need to get mad at them or think i'm better than them,
or feel anything icky towards them. i can just laugh at the silliness
of it all and go the other way....i can just zig zag my little self
to where i want to be....away from there, with an open heart.

it was all so clear and funny to me this morning!!!

hard won

walkin' this morning thinking of two notes i read
recently. one was from someone i don't know very
well, but she was sharing a really hard moment she
had.

someone tore into her, in front of other people,
and no one offered her any kind of compassion. it
was a work related thing. no one stopped by afterward
to say anything, and she felt very alone.

it brought up a lot of stuff about her dad.
ah yes, the darkness we try to climb out of comes back
at such moments. i could just feel that with her as
she wrote.

then a friend wrote this morning who was dealing with
some triggering she was having that brought her back
to some trauma in her life. again, the triggers...

i wrote her and reminded her that everything she had
been thru had brought her to who she is now.

i say that a lot to people. i guess i feel like we need
reminding.

she answered that she knew, but it feels 'a little hard
won.'

and that's the phrase i thought of as i walked.

hard won.

no kidding, huh?

i'm thinking every woman i know would agree to that.

maybe every person.

i walked faster and harder and thought of the things i
felt were hard won. and how i can still get triggered with
things and how my reactions are not always what i want them
to be.

and i thought of what i told my friend.....all that stuff
has made me who i am. and the hard won stuff? that can feel
mighty awesome at times! and yeah, it can feel might heavy
too....

but i think that's life. you can't have mighty awesome without
mighty heavy.

maybe you can't stand tall without having been knocked flat.

i don't know.

but today, because i'm in a good mood i can see the beauty of
the hard won. i can see beauty in standing up after being knocked
flat.

i can see the beauty in learning that crying is healing and that
you aren't that little kid bein' knocked around anymore. or
you're not the victim of that person in the past, that you're
a woman who knows compassion now and who can cry for her wounds
and smile at her growth. that you are full and complicated and
amazing and strong and yes, weak at moments too. that you are
everything. and that just totally rocks.

now, tomorrow, when i'm not there anymore, maybe my friend can
remind me of this outlook....

cause that's what friends do.

rilke....

i was painting part of the studio today....
had to take some stuff down off the walls.

i take this quote down, read it and shake my
head.....i love love love this quote.

you've all seen it......but maybe you want to
see it again.

i believe this is rilke......

'i beg you to have patience with everything unresolved
in your heart and try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very
foreign language.
don't search for the answers,
which could not be given you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
and the point is,
to live everything.
live the questions now.
perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without ever noticing it,
live your way into the answer.'

sigh.

reality shifts....

as a precaution to avoid all creepy people
this morning, i decided to skip the walk and
just sit on my back porch.

i sat and listened to the birds.

my gosh are they noisy little things.

i listened then got lost in thoughts, then
listened some more.

some birds goofin' around in my neighbor's
yard caught my attention.

i watched now and listened.

and this smile came over my face.

there's this whole world of birds. and this
morning it felt like a very populated world.
they go around screamin' and singin' and
pushin' each other around....

i got intrigued with the idea that the birds
were the real world, and us, the people were
just the side things like the birds are to us.

how bizarre would that be?

i sat there quietly. kinda like a cat.
just sat there fading in and out of thoughts.
not part of the world really.
just a lump on my porch.

the birds paid no attention to me.
they had their worlds to attend to.

i was just another person of a certain species
resting over there.

reality.
how do you ever really know what it is?

this morning i didn't.
i handed it to the universe.
i haven't a clue what's real, what's not.....
you take it.
i'm gonna just sit here and see how it all goes.

taking care of the love....

sometimes i really really wish that life had some
black and white answers. sometimes i just do.

a very dear friend is having some pretty big
relationship problems right now. my heart was
sickened as we talked about them. what happens to
that love that we start out with? what happens
to that??? why does it get so awful sometimes??

oh, i know.
i know.
i really do.
i've lived the divorce thing.
i know the places it all went wrong, and all the
mistakes and all the growing and changing.

and i guess cause i have lived the divorce thing,
i never hear of relationship problems without getting
a little bit sick.

i cried about it yesterday. just for a little bit.
there's something about the happiness that turns into
something so dark that just is hard for me to hold.

and then today, two different women i adore wrote
about new guys in their lives. and it's fun and it's
happy and i wanted to hear more from both of them.

i lit up, i laughed, i teased, and i hoped this is
the guy for each of them. with all my heart, i really
do.

and then i thought of my other friend.
and i wondered.
relationships are so hard.
seriously, how many do you know around you that you'd
want to have in your own life? i can list them off on
one hand. one stinkin' hand. and i wouldn't use all my
fingers on that hand. and i know of a whole lotta
relationships.

and yet we all want them so much.
we all need them so much.

i do wish it was black and white and we just found
the person we loved and it was all happy and good then
forever and ever.

and then i think of my own.
yeah, sometimes i wish it was that easy.
yeah, sometimes i really do.

at the same time tho...i think of all that we've traveled
together....and i'm grateful for every bit of it.

i still think love is hard.
and sometimes i don't think i'm much of a romantic.
and then, sometimes, like today, when my heart leaps
for my friends, i know that i still am a darn romantic.
and yeah, that's a good thing.

love. it's so so so precious.
and it really really needs to be taken care of.
when it's lost, there's something so deeply sad in that

and that's not just a partner kinda thing....
it's everyone around you.

take care of the love....
there's nothing as precious......

passion

he sent me some really cool photos last nite.
i commented on them early this morning.
he wrote back. he was still up. outside.
taking photos. said he was up late.

okay, he's in alaska, i'm in maryland.
there IS a time diference...but still!

he wrote a bit later on his way to get some
sleep......it was 3 in the morning.

i wrote him back......told him i loved his
passion....and that i couldn't remember the
last time i stayed up til 3 in the morning
for anything......

then i saw a friend post on facebook....
she was up til 3:30 in the morning reading
a book she loved....

hmmmm.........

pulling my curtains off the clothesline this
morning, i consoled myself with the idea that
i'll get up early to be with the morning.......

that kinda worked.
well, not really.

i think of myself as a passionate person.
i love what i do, will do it with gusto, spend
a ton of time doing it.....

love my mornings....revel in them.....

but um......

it's been a long time since i stayed up til
three in the morning for anything.

or got up at three in the morning for anything.

last time i did that, i was taking a trip....

hmmmmm........

this has me thinking....

a self love tidbit

ah, i had just barely started my walk when
some creepy guy turned the corner my way.
unusually creepy guy.

i pulled my cell phone right outta my pocket
and called yo who was in the shower and not
hearing it.

great.
great.

it's unusual that i get this kinda signal
from someone and i don't fool around when i
get it.

i turned the corner, made sure he wasn't behind
me, sat on the curb by the pastor's house and
tried to figure out which way i wanted to go.
figured i could always go visit the pastor.

home is where i wanted.

cell in hand, i made my way home in a way i
figured i wouldn't bump into this guy again.

darn. i missed the sky. i missed the walk.
but i did go sit on my back porch with
a book.

different book. and guess what? he started
talking about practicing dying! no kidding.
how weird. talk about a theme.....

first tho he was talking about narcissism vs.
self love.

i liked this part and wanted to share....

'for example there are times when our behavior
is unbecoming. if we deny that our behavior is
'bad' and fail to seek ways to correct it or
redeem ourselves by learning from what we have
done wrong, then we are primarily concerned with
self-esteem. on the other hand, if we are operating
from a sense of self-love, the healthier thing to
do would be to acknowledge our mistakes and chastise
ourselves if we must- as well as have the ability
to discern that our failure at any given moment does
not totally define our worth. or who we are as
a person. we need moments when we realize that we
do not have it all together and that we are not
perfect. such moments are crucial to our growth
because loving ourselves requires the capacity
to recognize that here is something about us we
need to work on.

so there is a difference between insisting that we
always feel good about ourselves (which is narcissistic
and synonymous with constantly preserving our self-
esteem) and insisting that we regard ourselves as
important or valuable (which is healthy self love)'


i liked that, altho yeah, i might get rid of the
chastise comment, but i figure he says stuff like
that cause he knows we do that. at least i do....

i liked it because sometimes i think the idea of
loving yourself can get muddled and we get confused
and sometimes it doesn't leave room for messin'
up and correcting it. it doesn't leave room for
growth sometimes. at least that's how it feels to me.

when i read this i just felt like nodding and goin'
yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

thought i'd share.....

my neighbor

it's been a weird day....
not particularly good weird either...

i looked up and couldn't believe the time.
gonna go gulp some air, i thought. i need
a break.
and i wandered out in my yard.

saw my next door neighbor in the back yard.
we don't have anything separating our back yards.
as a matter of fact, together we made
this great little walk that connects our
two places. we decorate it and now and then
leave silly things out there for each other.
it's been awhile tho...typing that out reminds
me i need to do something.

he was weeding by the walk.
i wandered over and we caught up. haven't
seen each other much during the winter...

he's been there for years. we've shared some
rougher times together, there's an understanding
between us that we'll be there for each other.
and we have been. which has been really cool.
mostly we laugh together. i like that a lot.

he's like a little escape place sometimes.
where i can go and nothing matters. we can just
hang out. while away the time in the back yard.

i've missed that.

i came in smiling and feeling better.
sometimes there's nothin' on earth quite like
a neighbor.

the golden rule with a great twist....

i read this last nite and wished the man
was nearby so i could give him a hug.

he talked about his marriage and how he
and his wife were learning the 'otherness'
of each other.

he said they started out as very considerate
people and thought of themselves as good
people and they tried to be good and they
tried to live the golden rule with each other.
'do unto others as you would have them do
unto you.'

only it didn't work out very well!!! because
it didn't make room for how very different
they were. they were operating under the
assumption that the other was just like them
or else misguided.

i laughed when i read that.
oh yes, i knew this one.

he said what they eventually learned was that the
golden rule is just the beginning. to grow, they
had to recognize and respect the otherness of
each other.

he said that's the advanced course in marriage
and it goes like this....do unto others as you
would have them do unto you if you were in their
particular, unique and different shoes.

'it is not easy learning.' he said and continues
on saying that he and his wife are still learning
it and sometimes feel like beginners after six
decades of living.

i truly could have just reached out and hugged
this man.

i understood exactly what he was talking about
and the fact that he still felt like a beginner
at times, helped so much.

thought i'd throw it out there for anyone else
tryin' to do unto others and sometimes just not
quite gettin' why it's not working!