totally cool........

choppin the celery and carrots....
heatin' up the veggie burgers....
packin' up snacks for the road.

we're escaping.
just him and me.
and we're gonna just have fun.

my gosh, what good timing.
all the work we just did.
all that weight lifted off...
and now?
nothin' but good stuff.

nothin' but good stuff.

a christmas get away.

how totally cool.

this may very well be my last post
for the year.

hmmmmm.
what a good note to end on.

and what a good way to roll into a new
year....

2009 has been so very full.
wishing us all one heck of a 2010!

peekin' thru my fingers....

something's hit me that i haven't figured out
yet. which means i shouldn't write about it
yet!!! but would a confused mind ever be enough
to stop my ramblings???

it's the midlife thing.....
the changes that happen.
and no, i don't mean physical changes...

the inside changes...

it's the seeing things differently.
more clearly for what they are.

sometimes that's really cool.

and sometimes it's enough to make my bones
tremble.

i think maybe part of midlife is really
leaving the childhood visions of things behind.

please understand me....i don't mean leave the
child like wonder and excitement behind.
i never want to leave that behind.

but the child like easy answers.
the child like perceptions of people.

cause answers aren't always easy.
and sometimes they just aren't what we want
to see.

i think part of the midlife passage....
and i'm guessing as i'm only on one side of it
so far....is that i will see things for
what they are....and my bones will tremble...

and maybe i'll know i passed thru and made
it to the other side when my bones stop trembling
and when i can just do that wise nod and say
'yep. that's the way it is.' and not tremble.

but i'm thinking.....i can't get there without
first seeing the stuff i don't want to see.
covering my eyes cause i can't believe it.
peeking thru my fingers and looking
again. pulling my hands from my face and really
seeing. trembling at what i'm seeing.

i'm kinda in the peeking thru my fingers stage
and doin' a little trembling....

before i would have said i had to hold it all
a bit.

now i know i'm gonna have to get a clear vision
and really know what i'm seeing and then i'm
gonna have to let it pass thru me. let it run
right thru my insides, touching my heart as it
passes and then letting it run back out to the
world.

i've got a plan now.....
one that may very well get me to that wise
nodding one of these days.

i've got some seeing to do.
some trembling to do.
some flowing to do.
and eventually.....some accepting to do.

life is never dull.

but i know.....

i thought it would be easier.

it wasn't horrible.
but i thought it would be easier.

i've come a long way.
i've done really good with so much
of it.
my skin crawling here and there caught
me off guard.

i wasn't expecting it.

i would push the feeling down and keep
goin. then a comment would bring it
back up.

when she handed me the bottle all wrapped
up she said '...and if you're anything like
me you'll really like this.'
i knew it was alcohol.

i have alcohol issues.
i have issues with my family and alcohol.

i opened the paper and pulled out the bottle.

i hesitated.
i forgot my sons were in the room.
i had no idea they were watching me closely.
later they told me they were all staring at me
wondering what i would do.

mostly gracefully and with much effort i said
'oh. look at this.
ya know, i don't drink so this really is something
you may want to keep. i would prolly just regift
it so why don't you keep it.'

and i handed it back.

the phone rang.
she went to the next room to answer it.

yo reached across the couch to me with his fist
up lookin' for a fist bump of congratulations.
he smiled at me.
i bumped his fist and smiled back.

she has no idea who i am.
what i've struggled with and how i feel
about things.
and in some small tiny way it felt so good to
say 'it's okay you don't know, but i know.'

it wasn't all that long ago i couldn't claim
my truth out loud.

but now.
it's okay you don't know.....
but i know.....

my gosh.
that feels sooooo good.

when a team rocks....

we were sitting on the couch talking about
the new year. thinking of resolutions and goals
and what we wanted.

one thing led to another....and we ended up
in a conversation that i think has been one of
the most helpful conversations we've ever had.

it's been a tough year. and lately something
deep has been 'off.' neither one of us has
understood it and both of us have been feeling
frustrated with it.

the conversation kept goin' deeper.
there were some really tough moments.
when he said 'you're one hell of a woman. i'd
never tell anyone else this. but i know you can
hear it,' i cringed. oh no. this doesn't sound
good. or easy.

but it was one heck of a valid point he made.
and i did hear it. and i did know i needed to
work with what he said. that it could change
a whole lot of things for us.

'i hear you. i'll sit with it.
it's an incredible point.
i'll work with it.'
he knows me.
he knows i mean that.
and we kept goin'.

he'd say 'what i'm hearin' is this.....'
and i'd say 'yeah, but what about this. i wonder
if this is important.'
'oh yeah. we gotta look at that' he'd say.
'go deeper,' he'd say.
at one point i caught myself thinking 'he's
learned an awful lot in how to do this.'
and his logical engineering brain was kicking
in full force and making a whole lotta sense.

one time i said 'okay, there's this fear.
what about this thought process here? what
do i do with that?'
and his response was......'let me say this
first.' and he filled in a thought.

'okay, that directly answered my fear' i commented.

i loved the dance.
when one knew they had something that had to be said
right then, they interrupted. otherwise, we listened
to each other intently. the interruptions were only
made to help the thought process.

and on and on we went.

he told me what engineers do when they're trying
to figure something out.
and so we applied that to what we were doin'.

i had to fight a grin thru some of it cause he
was SUCH an engineer. then when he commented about
his lack of communication skills being a bit of
a problem, i started to laugh. said something about
an understatement of the year and he grinned at
me. we laughed thru some of the tough stuff.

i cried thru some of it.

and we both thought really hard and figured out
some amazing stuff.

it was a team tryin' to figure out a puzzle.
it wasn't easy in any sense.
but the incredible team work and the feeling that
we were in this together and we were gonna figure
this out together was overwhelming.

things came up that neither one of us realized
was going on.

there were at least four really big light bulb
moments.

i have never experienced anything like that with
anybody in my life.

i am stunned with what we just did.
i would have said it would not be possible without
a third party helping.

but we did it.
and we solved nothing.
grin.
nothing.

i don't even care right now.
i haven't felt this right about us in a year.
this solidly right.

we screw up an awful lot.
but my gosh, we do some things really really right.

that conversation was prolly one of the rightest
things we've ever done.

i have a lot to think about.
and a lot to learn.
which is okay with me.
january's coming. it's resolution time.
time to think about some growth i want to do.

the timing is perfect.

a favorite moment......

it's a really fun game.
and in this group it causes huge amounts of
banter and comments.

a statement is read and you vote on who around
the table the statement is most like.

you also vote how people will vote about you.
so you can say nobody things that's me, most
people think that's me, some people think that's
me.

some things you just know no one thinks is you.
like when the statement came up about the person
who would win the triathlon. i was sure no one
would vote me. and i was right.

each round causes a major ruckus and people hoot
and holler about everything. this is a good group
for hootin' and hollerin'!

at one point bob voted for me just to mess things
up, not cause he believed it. so there was great
uproar at the table and major screaming (uh, yeah,
from me) and we insisted all votes must be made
with honesty.

so along comes this one: you need someone to
help you write a love letter. who do you go to?

since bob has a reputation among us as being pretty
much a clod with anything delicate, it was clear
around the table that he wouldn't be voted for.
you could just feel the smirks.

when bob threw in his votes he emphasized them
with 'i hope everyone's voting with integrity.'

when the cards were turned over, every card voted
for me to help write the note (i have a reputation
for the smaltz...)except for two....they came up bob.

bob's mouth fell open.
WHO DID THAT?! and he turned with this crazed HOW
COULD YOU?! look. (we get into games around here)
sitting next to him, i shrunk down in fear and looked
up at him and said real timid like 'i love your love
letters. you write beautiful ones. i'd go to you for
help. no one writes like you do.'

the entire room roared with howling laughter.
bob looked down at me....wanting to kill me but thinking
it was sweet at the same time. what could he do??
he had that grinch look goin' where the grinch's heart
starts growing.....you could see him fighting between
kill her and love her.

and i laughed and laughed.
and said it was true. i meant it.
and the guys howled and heckled.....
and they whooped and hollered and laughed some more.

it was one of my favorite moments of the day.

christmas day.....

there were some really odd gifts....
and some really interesting gifts....
and some gifts that hit just right.

i love watching their faces when they
open them....

zakk's the best when you hit something
that he loves.
this smile starts out slow, and then
his whole face is totally lit up.
and you know you hit it right.

each one thanked me up and down.
we had cut back this year. toned it down.
not that it was ever really anything incredible.
just lots of crazy things.
between trying to avoid 'made in china' stuff
and tryin' to budget a bit, it was toned down.
the guys had actually specifically requested it.

they were so grateful, commenting on the thought
behind each gift.

sometimes i wish i could give them the darn moon.
they make giving really fun.

when they got back from their dad's that evening,
we sat around the kitchen table playing games.
i stepped out of myself and looked at it all at
some point.

the carryin' on around the table.
the presents scattered all over the place.
the food everywhere.
the darkness out the window, the sound of the rain.
the banter between the guys.

what a day.

merry christmas, ter. i told myself.

merry christmas.

merry christmas!

merry christmas!

i can't sleep.
i've been up for a bit trying to sleep.
but it's christmas!

i'm gonna have to wake the guys soon!!!

i really kinda had my christmas yesterday.
that's my full day with the guys.

we went sledding....
and i swear, i felt like their little sister.
i was out there tumbling down that hill
and huffin and puffin' my way up....
and felt like i was ten years old.
i had bought a 'magic carpet.'
a piece of plastic to sit on and slide down on.

it didn't turn out to be too magic.
but i kept trying....
it was so fun.

and last nite, they gave me their presents
to me.....

they totally out did themselves.
every present they gave me made me feel totally
seen, understood and loved by them.

after opening the last present from them,
i just started crying.

they actually gave me a kid's tea set.
(a really cool one)
to honor little terri.

no kidding.

they gave me a book on mid life that looks
awesome. it looks right up my alley.
a book on business stuff i'm interested in, i can't
wait to dive into.
fantastically funky socks that i totally love.
lots of them that will go with my rocket dog shoes!
and! a learning electronics kit! told them i always
wanted one!!! they remembered, got me one.
they all said they'd teach me.

and! they bought an old dresser at the thrift store
and together they painted it up for me.

it's perfect.
funky, but classy.
they painted inside the drawers and they all
worked on different parts of it.

they pointed out who did what.
used paint that we used on josh's house....
so it all ties to his house.
and then put presents in every drawer.

i really really needed a dresser.
and i really really wanted a funky one.
and i really really love how they painted it.

when they saw my total delight, they beamed.

i watched them.
they beamed with happiness.

i tell ya, my living room was pretty darn
bright with light last nite!

i'm gonna go wake them...
it's time for some santa fun!
time for their presents.....

wait til josh finds his imiation coon skin hat!

i love christmas.....

merry christmas to everyone!

tut notes

if you guys don't get the notes from the universe
every day in your box, i really really suggest
you check them out. they are uplifting, they make
you laugh and smile and think about what a gift your
day is. you can find them over at www.tut.com

this line was in my note this morning. it was a long,
really cool note. but this line really stood out for
me:

To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope,
to love without limit; to reach, stretch,
and dream, in spite of your fears.

i'm gonna print that out.
i need some reminders.

wanted to remind you too......

get out of yourself

i got a heartfelt note from a young man in my life.
he's doin' some searching and trying to find some
things out. i had to laugh at his last sentence:

'you have always been a spiritual person, so i figure
you would be a good place to start. google won't
help me.'

i laughed when i read that.

hmmmmmm.....

i wondered what i would say to him.
what did i really believe would help him.

and the answer popped in.
i hesitated because it can sound really trite and
it can turn people off.
so i remembered what i'm forever sayin'....
'presentation is everything.'

i'd need to present it right.

but the bottom line was 'get out of yourself.'
reach out and care about other people.

so many of his problems would go away.
i totally believe that.

the problems i see all around me are so often
because of people being self consumed.

the problems inside me happen a lotta times
when i get stuck on me.

get outta yourself.

so, okay, i worked on my presentation and added
five gazillion paragraphs. but that's the basic
message.

and i've been thinking about that this morning.
along with 'presentation is everything'
you know, that part is really important too.

so it's christmas eve day.
and i want to make sure i get out of myself.
which should be easy to do.
it's pass presents around day.
and goof with the kids day.

it should be easy.
and i know some days it's just not as easy.

i want to remember what i told him.
cause i really think it matters......

a date with the universe

i crunched out in the snow this morning.
just to put the mail and recycling out,
no walk.

the snow made the best sound under my feet.
i decided to make a new path round the house
so i could listen to the crunching.

i looked at the trees against the sky...
listened to the crunch, felt the cold.

i gotta take a walk by the river tomorrow,
i thought. over near josh's house.

it's be christmas eve day, and it'll be
perfect.

and i thought about how bein' outside is
like bein in church for me.

i'm not christian. christmas isn't about the
birth of jesus for me. but it is holy
just the same.

for me, it's about hope and light in the
darkness. it's about faith and love.
it's about something so bright and intense
that it can shine thru any darkness.
it's about the sacred.

i gotta be outside to celebrate that.

i could hear that message in the crunch
of the snow.

okay.
i got a date with the universe tomorrow.
and i'm looking forward to it.

sorrow's give away!!!

i TOTALLY apologize for letting this slip by me....

there's a whole theory about my 'not so fool proof
brain'...but that's for another post.

my buddy sorrow does this incredible gift give away
every year. no strings attached. you go to her blog,
check out the gifts, leave a comment. your name gets
picked out of a hat to get a gift!

seriously, it's that innocent and fun!

and she didn't get enough takers!
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!!!

go on over......check it out....leave a comment.

could be really awesome!

flour on my nose...

ohmygosh, i baked tonite!

christmas cookies.
like i used to.
pre-divorce.

i haven't baked like this in years.

it was the coolest feeling.

there's been major deaths in the family
the last three years.
there was major gunk goin' on the years
before that.

i haven't had the inclination to bake
like this in so long.....

and i baked.
and i blasted the christmas music.
and i cooked and i baked and i smiled
and i felt happy.

i felt happy.

christmas happy.

christmas can have it's weird moments.
it's not all suger plums and spice.

but i'm concentratin' on the great
and the tasty and the silly and the cozy
and i'm feelin' happy.

one heck of a reminder......

she had left a message on my answering machine
the other day. when i walked in and hit the
button, i was stunned to hear her voice.
it was all shaky telling me of the 'near fatal'
accident she and her husband had been in.

i sat down in my chair and listened.
it was very clear to me that something really
bad happened and this didn't have to be the
call i got. it could have been a very different
call.

we finally connected today.
and she filled me in on the details.

ohmygosh....it's one of those things you
only read about....truck hitting people
on the side of the road....

and the miracle?
all three people involved who truly should
have died.....are okay.

i listened, fought the tears, let some out
and got the goose bumps as she told me the
details.

there will be recovery time and i'm sure
lots of headaches to work out....and trauma
to sort thru....

but she's okay.

and i don't know how to articulate what that
means to me.

it hits in so many ways.

it hits right away the 'it's all so fragile'
button. it hits those reminders that we really
don't have to be here another day....
it hits those.

it hits the 'your friends are gifts that you
won't have forever' buttons. enjoy them.
enjoy the moments.

and it hits how precious it all is.

what a time of year to be reminded......

may we all have a really safe holiday season....
and may my friend heal quickly and know what
a gift she is.

and there it was.....

oh for pete's sakes.

i did good. a couple of different
kinda situations that challenge me
came up and i did good.

thought i was making progress....
and yeah, i am....

BUT....i saw something last nite.
which, maybe just seein' it is progress.

i saw this discrete little wall i put
up around my heart. i actually saw it.
kinda like a thin plexiglass shield kinda
thing that was hand sewn in with these
x stitches at the bottom and edges of my
heart. my heart and it have kinda grown
together.

no kidding.

oh yeah.

i saw it clearly.
felt it.

it's the thing that gets me thru different
challenging moments, i think.

which would be fine and okay if i wasn't
shootin' for an open heart. shields and
open don't exactly go together.

great.
great.

and i know there are times for protection
and times you need defenses and such.
i'm okay with temporary ones.

but this one....i saw it....
it's clearly there continually.
it's become part of me.

i think i need to be glad i saw it.
i think that maybe that says i'm moving along
right there. so i'm tryin' to be happy about
that part.

but now.
the big question....

what do i do with it?

i ask myself 'do you want it?'
and the quick, without thinking answer is no.

but um.......
how about are you ready to toss it?

and the quick, without thinking answer is no.

i was at the book store yesterday and i got a book
called 'menopause without medicine.'
i was excited about it as i'm pre-menopause and
figured maybe i could head off a lotta stuff by
really getting healthy.

the new year is comin' up fast, i am getting
psyched to get in a real healthy mode with my
body.

this morning i keep thinking about that shield
around my heart.

i'm not sure yet what i want to do with it.
but i do think that i want to get really healthy
with my heart as well as my body.

man, i wish it was as easy as taking a vitamin
and hoppin' on the treadmill. maybe chowin' down
some kale.

gonna have to give this some thought for the new year.

heart exercises?
heart vitamins?

whew.
this sounds like work.........
how much do you want it, ter?
how much do you want it?

support

i had offered to be with her friday.
i figured if it was a hard day for me,
it would have to be a hard day for her.
it was the day my dad died, and i figured
my mom would be struggling.

she actually had stuff goin' on that day
and said that she found the day he was
buried to be the hardest day for her, and
would i come up then.

sure.

and that's today.

it won't be a long stop.
i asked if that was okay. would that be worse?
no, she said it'd be good.

so i'm headin' up to just kinda be there.
just for a bit.

what's hitting me this morning is that my family
isn't big on returning that kinda thing.
i don't even look for it anymore.
not from them.
and that's okay.

cause my family family....the guys and bob and
my friends....they're big on that stuff. they're
so there for me.

yo yo's headin' up with me today.
not cause he thinks it's the best way to spend
his morning. but because he figures it's not such
a great day for me either. and he wants to be there.

what's hitting me this morning is that i've found
that kinda support. that i've got a life filled with
that kinda support.

and maybe cause of that, i can give it to other places.

this whole interacting weaving web kinda stuff of life
is amazing......

rumble!

whew i had one heck of a weird dream
and it really really scared me.
i actually turned the light on like
i was a little girl.

this one has my attention as i was
being attacked....but! for the first
time ever that i can think of...it
was by a WOMAN!

in my dreams, the scary attacker deals
are always with men.

and this scared me enough to turn the
light on.

the timing of it all has me totally excited.

i finished that fantastic pomegranate book.
and it inspired me to get another book by
an author she mentions. so i've got my nose
in another and it's about finding the sacred
feminine.

the idea caught my attention in the first
book, and there's something smoldering in me
now. i read some of the second book yesterday
and was really excited.

and then yesterday for the first time, i said
it out loud.

here's the best part...
the first person i've said it out loud to was
none other than bob!

oh that just makes me laugh.
you gotta know bob to appreciate this.
but just trust me when i say these are all new
concepts to him.

turning to him i gave this wishy washy kinda
'i think i might wanna find the sacred feminine.'

he's a way cool guy which is why i love him....
cause he called me on the wish washy stuff.

yeah. yeah. i DO wanna find it.

he called me on that too telling me i had it
already.

i do like him.

anyway.......this is all brewing inside me.

and THEN i get attacked by a woman figure in
my dream.......

how cool is that?!

no. i have no clue what it means.
laughing......but it sure seems like maybe
there's an adventure starting.

one thing bob said to me last nite was that i have
a whole play ground inside me. he said i keep myself
occupied with it and i have lots of different parts
to it.

i protested as i felt silly, but then had to say
'okay. maybe i do.'

and i do believe there was a rumble on the play ground
last nite. and i do believe this is gonna be interesting!

glitter

i'm headin' out this morning and that
makes early mornings busy. i opted to
get up a little bit early so i could
fit the treadmill time in, but would
leave out walkin' outside.

there's not much street available,
cars need the room, it's not the
morning to walk, i told myself.

yeah. be practical.

i did the treadmill deal, and walked
thru the living room. it was beginning
to get light out.

ohhhhhh wow.
so so so pretty.

maybe just a little walk.

no, terri.
be practical.
you don't have time for it this morning.

yeah.
no walk.
stay inside.
yeah, i told myself as i stood at the
window lookin' out.

maybe if i go out right now i can actually
catch that magic time.....

yeah.
yeah.
i gotta go.

i slipped my boots on, and even rolled
up my jeans a bit for when i have to step
into snow drifts to avoid cars....

quietly, as the guys were still sleeping,
i slipped outside.

ohhhhhh wow. i just stood there on my
little porch stoop. oh wow oh wow oh wow.

i stepped along this little snow path i
had made in the yard. three steps into the
path i stopped.

i just stared at the snow. it looked like
someone came along and sprinkled glitter all
thru it.

wow.
i totally forgot the glitter part of snow.

in my head i actually thought 'i don't know
if it ever registered before how glittery
it all is....'

i tilted my head different ways to look at it.
how could i forget this?

i guess i knew it was there. but i'm not sure
i ever saw it quite like this....

i headed around the block.
to go around, i have to walk up on a busy road.
hmmmm.....that might not work too good this
morning, i thought. prolly shouldn't, i told
myself as i walked that way.

it seemed real quiet up there. and the sky
was totally calling me....

i laughed as i went along that part.
unless i wanted to hop into snow up to my
knees, i would have to stay on the street part
and that meant zig zaggin' across the road
so that i could avoid the cars.

one would come one side, and i go to the other
side, then i'd have to switch sides for one
coming the other way.

it's not very long a stretch...
the length of a block....
but it provided great entertainment.

i joked with a couple people who were out.
one guy pulled his truck into the road
and then got out, leaving his truck running
and his door open as he went to the other side
to fix his mirror.

i had visions of hopping in his truck and
taking off.......i grinned.
he came around his truck just as i was walking
by. i shared my visions with him and we laughed.

he pulled off and i was still smiling as i looked
at the sky.

rounding the corner, there was this big smooth
patch of glittery snow. i stopped and looked
at the shimmering.

i tried to figure out if it was certain flakes
glittering or if they changed when i moved my
head.

i pictured someone trying to explain to me about
light reflecting on the snow and how that's all
it was.

i smiled, and went back to walking. they have no
clue about the magic of snow.

walking back thru my yard it occurred to me
that glitter came naturally as a decoration.
i had never thought of that before.

how totally awesome.

and to think i almost passed up this walk to
be practical.

jeesh.

neighborhoods.....

and so we shoveled.
and shoveled.
and shoveled.

okay.i'm 48.
and i JUST today figured out how to
shovel snow correctly.

yeah, there IS a correct way.
cause the way i'd been doin' it forever
killed the inside of my elbow.
no kidding.

while i was digging out our mailbox
area, i figured it out!
oh man.
what a difference.

i shoveled and grinned. and shoveled
and grinned.

mygosh it takes me a long time to figure
things out.....

the guys were digging out our driveway
while i dug out josh's car.

my neighbor across the street came out
and hollered over. this man forever makes
me laugh. we hollered back and forth
carryin' on like nuts. then the guys
headed next door to help the guy who's
not so young anymore.

i heard them chatting as i did some of
our stuff and smiled. it's such a nice time.

when i headed up to help him with his mail
box area (now that i had the hang of it) we
caught up a little on life.

then we headed down to our elderly neighbor's.
yo and zakk finished her off (we had
started yesterday) while josh and i got her
mailbox area.

the man across the street came out to thank
the boys for doin' his driveway last nite.
made it a lot easier this morning, he said.

yeah.
it was a total neighborhood affair.

another guy hollered up the street and goofed
and another neighbor pulled by in his car.

everyone's in a different kinda mood.
and i love it.

i wandered up and met the new guy on the
corner. i wandered back and joked with my
elderly neighbor....

and i looked at my neighborhood.

i love this place.
i have the best neighbors in the world.
and that's such a bonus that snow brings
with it....
we all come out and play in our own way.

and i love that.

let it snow...

i tried to throw josh down in the snow.
you know, really throw him down, jump on him
and mash his face in the snow.

somehow i had gotten lucky and done that to
zakk last year. (it was pure luck mixed in
with the fact that the only way to save himself
would have been to hurt me, and he's too
gentle with me for that so he let himself fall....
but still...i tell him i'm more powerful than him
all the time!!!)

i figured the luck would come again and i would
toss josh like i tossed zakk.

ohmy.

i got tossed a few times and just about broke
my arm before i figured out....maybe not.

josh loved it.
told me it was all his workin' out at the gym.
grinned at me and asked if it was like tryin'
to bend rebar???

i laughed....
admitted defeat and went in to dry off.
my jeans were so soaked you could ring them out.

we dribbled snow all thru the house, dried off
and laughed over the antics. josh was especially
proud of making yo fall on the porch. i was
still glaring at him as he had thrown a snowball
in the house to make that happen.

later that afternoon, i found myself walking
down our street with bob and the guys. we were
headin' up to the coffee shop. not even sure if it
was open, and not caring.

it was an excuse to walk.

the snow was fallin'. the guys were goofin'.
i slipped a few times. and we laughed and talked
and soaked in the scenes.

at one point, i fell behind everyone and just
watched them. i forget i hang out with such big
brutes sometimes. there were these four hulky
guys trudgin' down the road and i just smiled.

the snow was fallin in my face and life felt so
darn good.

the coffee shop was closed. but the grocery store
was open.

as we walked in, i heard the song 'let it snow'
playing over the speakers.....

i smiled.

let it snow. let it snow. let it snow.

no small feat

living apart like we do and trying to have the
relationship that we do is challenging to say
the least. we've made the choice and we work
hard at it. sometimes it totally rocks. sometimes
it totally sucks.

yesterday morning found me on the phone with
him in yet another challenging conversation.
it was one of those sucky moments.

it was tense and frustrating. we got thru it
and decided it would be good to spend the day
together. i just wanted to have fun. it was a
snow day. let's just have fun.

calling on his way over his voice was filled
with that sound he gets when he loves something...
he told me he was on the way, and that his truck
was handling the snow unbelievably well. (this
was the first snow storm he'd had it in.)

'it's a thrill, isn't it?' i asked him with a grin.

i hung up. he was such a darn guy. and i liked it.
okay, we're gonna do okay. we're gonna do okay.

when he pulled in, i watched him get out of his
truck and put on a totally silly christmas hat.
i ran to get the totally silly hat i had just
got. when i flung open the front door in my hat
looking at him standing there in his...
i knew it was gonna be better than okay.

i hate those sucky times we have. i really really
do. and yet yesterday i saw how far we had come
thru them.

i wouldn't have been able to have the good day
i had like that a few years ago. it woulda blown
the whole weekend.

i'm learnin' a lot about accepting him....and
about accepting me.

those moments still suck.
a lot.
but the growth has truly been happening.
in both of us.

and THAT feels like we're doin' something right,
even in the tough parts.

looking back at a failed marriage, i'm thinking
that's no small feat.

and i know that we need to just keep on growin'.

snow!

it's snowing!
a beautiful snow!
a real gorgeous we got snow for real snow!!

talk about the holiday mood!

must go play!!!!!

it's all mine......

i am feeling soooooo in the holiday mood it's
fantastic!!! it's cold outside, it's gonna blizzard,
i just dropped off a christmas tree on someone's
stoop, i got in a surpise box of 'a little taste
of vermont' from my brother who went to vermont
for the very first time this year and knows that it's
one of my favorite places ever....

and now okay......no heckling......i have my neil
diamond christmas album on!

i'm laughing and holding my head down so no one throws
tomatoes at me! the guys give me such a hard time for
this one. i can't help it. he's from my teen years,
and i love him.

so i'm down here wrapping presents, listening and
he starts singing 'morning has broken' and he sings
the line 'mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning...'
and i thought...yeah. yeah. that's mine.
the sunlight. the morning.
and i thought of my walks.
those are mine.

then i thought of how the last couple evenings i've
sat and watched the day wrap up and turn to dark.

and i thought....
ohhhhhhhh that's mine too.
mine is the starlight, mine is the evening....

and i grinned.

i want it all.
it's all mine.

and it is.

and this fantastic feeling filled me.........

i feel really good today.
go figure.
and i thought i'd wind up in a dark hole.

i'm feelin' full of christmas......

this whole big hunk of woven weaving stuff....

it looks like a whole heap of unrelated things....

but they're not....

a couple of days ago, i was reminded in a very clear
way that the people i have around me now that i love
with my whole heart are here. now. and that doesn't
have to be the case. life is fragile. we are lucky
to be sharing these moments in time. don't lose the
now. live the moments.
bam. it was put right in my face.
and bam.
i saw it.

>>>

as i walked out my front door two steps ahead of
zakk yesterday, i said something incredibly dry and
sarcastic. i heard it and this thought shot thru like
a bolt and i burst out with 'i just channeled my dad!
that was my dad who just spoke!' and i laughed. it so
truly felt like it. i felt like i could just reach out
and touch him.

>>>>>

i had this incredible melting feeling when i read
a note from bob with a plan he came up with for us
to go away for a little bit. the idea is great, the
trip will be beyond fabulous....but what melted me
was him wanting to go. just the whole beauty of
the two of us wanting to spend time together. the
love between us. i felt it so deep inside. and i sat
and just felt it for a moment. and was so grateful
for it.

>>>>>

joking with zakk and yo today about the rope
(see post below.) yo added a family joke in it all.
it was a reference to someone who touched our lives
in a big way, and then kinda slipped away. i knew
the reference, laughed at the joke, and thought of
this friend with great warmth.

>>>>>>

as i walked out the door for my walk, all this stuff
whirled inside me.

my dad is gone.
the friend with the rope joke is still here and we
touch in here and there....but it's not the same,
and he's gone in his own way.
but they still so totally live on in us.
totally.
they are a part of us in so many different ways.

and the guys and bob...they're here.
and the moments...the now....it's all this incredible
mix of energy and emotions and connections. it's the
now. and it's the forever. this stuff doesn't go away.
even if we do. the others so totally carry it inside.
and it goes on and on and on.

i walked, looked at the sky and thought of the totally
indescribable web that we weave with each other. how
we all become part of each other. we all really are one.

it was the coolest thought.
i don't know how to put it in words.

but i have it in my heart today.

and my gosh, what a perfect day to have this in my heart.

it's the anniversary of my dad's death.
i was afraid i'd crash and kinda just fall into some
big hole of despair.

but i'm not.
i see the intricate weaving.
i see him still here.
and i see my part is to keep on weavin' what i can.
keep on soakin' up the ones i love and giving back
to them....

relishing the moments.
and carrying it all inside of me.

thinking of you today, dad.
feeling you today.
living you today.

playin'

i ran up to their office yesterday evening....
ohhhh! did you hear? did you hear?
we're gonna get MILLIONS of inches of snow!!!

zakk calmly turns back towards his computer
and punches in a weather forecast.

'snow showers.' he says calmly.

LOOK AGAIN! i screech!
MILLIONS of inches, i tell ya!
look again!

he checks out several sites, raises his eyebrows
just a tad and says so cooly 'yeah, looks like
we might get a little snow.'

'we gotta get prepared!' i say with enthusiasm
and a twinkle in my eye.

if zakk's gonna play the cool calm game, i'm
gonna play back...

'provisions!
we must get provisions!'

yo and i were headin' out on a christmas errand.
i turn to zakk 'we'll fill the car with gas,
zakk. don't worry. we need a full tank of gas
for the blizzard.'

he looks sideways at me. not sure if i'm playin'
or not.

that's my favorite.
when he just doesn't know.

this morning he was warming himself by the pellet
stove. i was slippin' on my shoes for a walk.
'i'm gonna head out in the blizzard for a bit'
i announce.

there isn't one snow flake to be seen.

yo's in the room.
he suggests i tie a rope around me so i'll be
able to find my way back.

'rope! i exclaim!
we must get rope!
zakk! today, when you pick up all the food we
need.....get rope too!'

zakk's grinnin'.
and i know i'm gonna be doin' this for days now.
i'll be carrying on about the blizzard.
doesn't matter if there is one, if there's half
a one, or if there's nothing....i will carry on
the same way no matter what.

and zakk will egg me on with his calm detached
deal that he shoots my way.

i don't know what kinda playin it is.
dumb. idiotic.
but it's some kinda play that zakk and i have
created between us.
it's my playin' with him.
and i didn't realize til this morning that i
have different ways i goof with each one of them.

and somehow in that goofin', i'm pluggin' into
their energy and delighting in it.

it's the coolest thing.

now, if zakk brings rope home today, i am gonna
die laughing....

the wisdom of the ages....kinda

amazing how things come together....

a talk with a friend here. an email from
a friend there. reading the thoughts
in a book given to me by yet another friend.
thoughts shared by all the friends in my life
whirled inside of me yesterday as i went to
shop for a candle holder.

i have been thinking for days of a way in which
to honor my dad's passing tomorrow.

this 'flow' thought i had the other day....about
life flowin' thru and out of me...that's been
a really big one for me. really big. and i thought
that i might want to consciously work with that
on friday. a friend suggested i light a candle
while i do that.

i thought of the menorah i have been so loving.
i thought ofthe act of ritual that i used to
include in my life and haven't for years.
of how i missed it.
i thought of the sacred feminine i had been reading
about.

so when i found the grecian urn kinda vessel thing...
i knew i had found my candle holder.
it reminded me so much of the book i was reading and
the symbolism with the vessel and the feminine.

i had already been given the perfect candle as a
gift from someone special.
and yeah, when i brought the vessel home, the candle
looked like it was made for it. it fit/matched
perfectly.

this is now my candle that i will sit with when i'm
workin' on letting life flow thru me. when i want to
consciously sit and visualize touching but not holding
the parts of life that seem too big for me.

i thought i would start tomorrow, light the candle,
work on things flowin' thru and do some writing.

what better way to honor my dad than to try to honor me
and life and my interactions with it??

and the things i'll let flow thru?
things between my dad and i.
what a way to start.

it feels so right.
and it felt like the wisdom of the ages came together
for me yesterday. or at least, the wisdom of my friends.
they whirled inside of me, helped guide me, and held
me while i figured it out.

catchin' the sun...

i got to the corner where i turn back
towards my house from around the block.
and i stopped.

it was such a gloriously chilly morning....
just a little more....my goodmorningworld spot
was callin'....i looked up the street....
i looked towards home....

oh, what the heck....

and i wandered up the street.

was just ramblin' under my trees when i
happened to look up.

the very top of one of the trees had this
gorgeous deep shimmery kinda color all over
it. i looked and looked.
what a beautiful color.

and i looked down the tree.
it was just in the top. didn't flow down it.

yeah, it was just catchin' the sun way up there...

i looked over at another.
sure enough.

wow.
so pretty.
wouldn't it be cool if that color ran thru
the whole tree?
if the whole tree lit up?

kinda smiled at myself.

nah, ter, it's really cool this way.

you know the color comes from the sun.
it's catchin' it. and soakin' it in.
even tho you can't see it down at the bottom,
it's still there.

which is kinda cool.

it's just like me.

and i started thinking about how i can sparkle
in certain places, shimmer here and there,
but you won't see it everywhere.
but it's still there...
somehow it's still there......
you just have to know it.

you find it in the obvious places so that
you can know it in the not so obvious places.

you reach for the sun.
you catch it.
you reflect it.
and you soak it in.
and you know it's there.
even in the places that look dark.

goy oh goy

oh i laughed when i read a comment here
that i'm not sposed to blow out my menorah
candles.....you let them burn all the way.

who knew???

and i'm laughing cause not only do i
blow them out....i've been having a ball
blowing them out in a certain way and
making this great pattern with the length
of the candles.

last nite i had to sit on my hands so i wouldn't
run out and see if i could find a matching menorah
so that i could put them side by side and light
more candles and have them go up and down in
lengths. i still want to do that.

i can just see bob shakin' his head at me
and calling me a 'goy.'

yeah, i may be a goy, but i'm a creative goy!

grinnin....and lovin' the season....

menorah thoughts....

i actually sat and waited for it to get dark.
i wanted to light my menorah.
i just needed to be with those candles.
and yeah, i pushed it a bit. it was dark in
my kitchen more so than outside. and that
was good enough for me.

so i lit it.
and sat with it.
and thought how cool it was to sit at my
kitchen table with it.

i love sitting at my kitchen table and to sit
there deliberately honoring the sacred seemed
perfect.

my thoughts wandered a lot.
my dad keeps poppin' into my head.
i keep tryin' to think of how to honor his passing.

and then this story a grandmother shared with me
today came roaring in. it's a hard story. one that
hurts to even think about.

a young child wanting to end his life.

a child.

i cried when i read it.

and then that made me think of patty in south africa
and the children she's working with.

i sat there and wondered for the gazillionth millionth
time in my life how to hold all of these stories. all
of life.

i remembered the thought of not holding it, but letting
it flow thru me.

but wait, i thought....i want to hold it. i gotta touch
it too. i can't just let it flow thru. there's something
about me and touching.

and so i tried to think of holding it and then letting it
flow thru me.

and believe it or not, the practical logistics of that
got me stuck.

i pictured things flowin' thru the crown of my head.
i pictured holding things in my hands.

hmmmmm........i couldn't figure out how to do it smoothly.
how odd that i would get so practical with a visual.

and then it hit me.....

don't hold.
touch.

just touch.

and the logistics worked beautifully.

let them flow inside of you. let them flow straight
thru you....and as they flow, they'll touch against
your heart. some will lean hard, some will take pieces
with them, some will just barely press, and some will
scratch and take some of the surface with them as
they go thru.

and that's okay.

because if i let them flow thru me back to the earth,
and out to my creativity, they have parts of me now.
they've been inside of me. and they're changed.
they're different somehow.

and THAT'S what i can offer the world.

THAT'S what i've been tryin' to figure out for a million
years.

i have been getting stuck on the holding.

it's not the holding.......it's the touching.

and the letting parts of myself mingle with it all....

and then directing some of it (into my creativity and
offerings) and letting the rest of it flow back to the
world.

flowing back with part of me in it.

ohmygosh.

i sat and stared at the candles.

how did i ever get by without a menorah???

i blew out the candles, went outside to turn the
christmas lights on, and bowed to the sky.

i think i have something i really want to mull here.
it feels huge.
and yet, i wonder, will it change anything?

only if i let it.

only if i let it.

a good book blip

i've been reading this book of mine
a lot. well, a lot for me.
i don't usually read this much,
but a couple of other friends are
waiting to talk about it, so i'm tryin'
to read more. AND it's really talkin'
to me, so i'm grabbing it every chance
i get.

last nite i read this little blip..

'one day i will have to forgive life for
ending, i tell myself. i will have to learn
how to let life be life with its unbearable
finality...just be what it is.'


i read that and gasped and thought 'you too??'

grin.
i just love reading things that hit and knowing
someone else is feelin' the same stuff.


i watched the movie 'shadowlands' recently.
there's a line in there....'i read to know that
i'm not alone.'

something like that.

yeah.
yeah.
me too.

my new menorah!

i've always always wanted a menorah....
i've looked at some, but they were always
really expensive. so when i got in the
hanukkah spirit, i'd just gather candles
together and light them.

well......

josh found one when he was out the other
nite, and grabbed it for me.

i squealed with delight when he handed it
to me. and then dragged him out to see if
we could get candles at the grocery store
for it.

zakk whittled them down a bit for me, and
viola! i have a functioning menorah!!

josh and i immediately leapt into our
best hebrew attempts.
they were pitiful.
we laughed over how we both did it at the
same time and how weird it is how alike
we are sometimes.

that was last nite.....

but tonite......was mine. just me.
there was a moment of quiet here.
and it's dark.
so i went and lit it and sat with it.

it's so beautiful.
there's nothing quite like candle lite.

talk about sitting in the sacred.
wow.

i wonder how i've gotten along without
one all these years.

candle light.
honoring of miracles.
sitting alone soaking in the sacred.

sometimes life is so incredibly good
i could just cry.

of course.

so i asked the universe for some help.
i was struggling with something the other
day and asked for some guidance.

and then i walked out to my mailbox.

enclosed in one of the christmas cards i
received was a tiny little book of quotes.
i immediately read thru the whole thing.

it was all about leaving fear behind and
grabbing life.

of course.

what else would the universe send me?

wanted to share some of my favorites:

'fate loves the fearless.'

'what you already know is merely a good
departure point.'

'too low they build who build beneath the skies.'

'sometimes you just have to take the leap,
and build your wings on the way down.'

and....

'the essential conditions of everything you do
must be choice, love, passion.'


that last one is my favorite.

it's all around us. messages everywhere.
we just have to ask. and then we just have to
see.

from a place of love...

it'd been awhile since we had sat and talked.
i wasn't sure how we'd do.
but i wanted to try.

be open, i told myself.
don't try to fix things.
be accepting and loving and just enjoy.

there was the first awkward moment....
but it didn't last long.
he was hungry to talk, to share.
he had a lot inside him he wanted to get out.

i wanted to just be.
i wanted to work on just being present,
accepting someone else for wherever they were
and to try to operate from a place of love.

it was a good combination.
we did really well.

we were just gettin' rollin' when some others
joined us.

their self absorption was so strong that it
covered the table.

years ago i would have stayed. i would have sat
there and humored the ones who sat down and then
i would have left knowing i just wasted my time.

i've grown.
the place of love i was operating from included
love towards myself also. it was the coolest thing.
that's taken a long time to even get near. the
balancing of love for others and love for me...

i smiled, said hello. made a couple comments to
test the waters. saw this wasn't a place i wanted
to be anymore, and excused myself.

the freedom i felt in walking out of there was
so good.

i got in my car and headed home.
snuggled back on my couch under a blanket with a book.

smiled.
and knew that i was growing.

the fog lifts a little bit....

the fog was really thick.
so thick i worried about safely walking.
'i'll just get way off the road' i thought....
cause i gotta be out in this....

winter is my favorite time of year.
one of the reasons is that the skeletons of
the trees against the sky feel so incredibly
profound to me. they speak to me differently
this time of year.

it's like there's this spot inside me that
they touch and make echo. and i can hear things
that i can't hear other times of the year.

and here, against the fog and the gray....
it felt like a world between worlds. one
that held secrets for me.

thoughts of my dad popped up.
i wondered where he was.
was he in a world between worlds? was he
in a whole different world that was far away?

i started thinking about him. and something
cool happened.

there's always been two ways i think of him.
one way is where i think of my dad. my father.
i'm usually sad when i think that way, sometimes
i remember the happy. it always seems to have
some kinda need in there tho.

the other way is as a man. a person. a human.
with his flaws and his fears and his own baggage.

i have had to focus on the person a lot so that
i could find some healing within myself. understand
where he was coming from so that i could know that
he did what he could do from the spot he was in.
it's been a place i could find understanding.

never before have i combined the two ways of looking
at him. i always did one or the other.

until this morning in the fog.

i thought of my dad. and the tears came.
and then i thought of the person. and there was some
sense of detachment.

and then....for some reason....i combined the two
methods.

i thought of my dad. did okay. then got wobbly.
and said to myself 'okay, this is where you slip in
the understanding.' and i did.

and i think there's something kinda big in that.

when i did one or the other....it wasn't balanced.
it was either needy or detached.

but when i combined the two together, it felt like
i was honoring the relationship. he WAS my dad. that's
a big thing. and he WAS a person with his own baggage.
but he was still my dad. and i loved him so much.

and i can do both.
i can need him and understand him and accept him and
feel sad about us. i can do it all.

it doesn't have to be needy or detached.
unfulfilled or understanding.
hurt or forgiving.

it's all of that.
not either or.
it's everything.

and that's okay.
that's as it should be.
that's as it is.

and in the fog this morning, i saw some clearing
inside me.

i think i trip myself up all the time wanting to
have one answer to every situation.

doesn't work that way, does it?

there's not one answer. there's a bunch of different
answers that change with the moments.

they're fluid.
they're misty.
they're downright foggy sometimes.

as i thought of all this, i saw the mist clearing
and the blue sky coming out.

i smiled.

to be open to it all....
that is what i think i might need to be doin'.

opening to it all.

christmas sheets!

we had put our christmas lites up early.
we didin't turn them on early...but we grabbed
a warm day and stayed up on the roof for a bit.

i sat on that roof and thought 'ya know, i am
really ready for a good christmas this year.'

we've had three really tough ones in a row.

i sat there and could feel the readiness, the
opening to it all. it felt so good on that warm
sunny day on that roof.

and then i hit a rough patch and was wonderin'
if i'd feel the excitement this year. it used
to be my favorite holiday. i so want some of
that joy back.

this past week i feel like the christmas magic
dust has been floating down on me a little bit
at a time.

it started the day before the concert, and has
just kept sprinkling.

yesterday bob and i healed something that needed
healing between us. and that seemed to be the final
blast of the christmas dust. bob even said 'it's
the holiday season, we needed this.'

this morning i put on my christmas sheets! one's
red, one's green. i made christmas pillow cases when
the kids were little. i still have them. and yep!
i put them on! i smiled at those pillows against
the red and green sheets.

it feels good to feel some of the christmas feelin'.

the anniversary of my dad's death is at the end of
the week. and i'm hopin' it doesn't send me into
some weird tailspin like the last anniversary of a
death did a few weeks ago....

but ya know what? i gotta be okay with wherever my
little tail spins.....

cause it's ALL part of the season of magic....and
hope....and light in the darkness.

can't have no light if we don't have no darkness.

wonder if i can remember that....

rollin' the dice.....

yeah, it was a 'you had to be there' kinda
thing....but i'm gonna tell it anyway...

we were hangin' around josh's eatin' and
goofin' and playin' a crazy dice game that
i love cause it's a great excuse to whoop
and holler.

i was up to roll some combination of numbers
and everyone bets whether you can do it
in a certain amount of rolls or not.
EVERYONE, including mister bob, bet against
me.

it just looked impossible.

the whole point of these games as far as i'm
concerned is to ham it up, carry on and be
a complete goon.

and so i was filling my role beautifully,
and 'for shaming' them all for voting against
their mom and girlfriend....

and then went ahead and rolled the impossible
rolls and won all their chips.

big smile here.

and OF COURSE i ran around the table hollerin
and slappin' everyone on the back and such
wonderful good sportsmanship things.

and then it was time for another turn.
no one wanted to take the roll...
and so i bid for it, got it, and we did the same
thing all over again.

impossible.
everyone bet against me.
and bam!!!! i got it!

bob checked the dice to see if they were loaded.
i laughed and gathered in all the chips and
wiped them all out.

oh yes.

but then, i must tell you, i got wiped out after
that. so no, i don't always win by any means.

that's not the point of the story, altho i did
enjoy the wiping them out immensely.

after those rolls when it was time to move on,
i made everyone stop.

'i just think we need to take a moment and comment
on what just happened.' i said with a big smirk.

bob was shakin' his head sayin' how he couldn't
believe it. it just was impossible.

and that's when i hopped into the deal of 'you
just gotta believe in christmas magic. you have
to live the magic.'

things moved on, i got wiped out. bob left, the
boys and i hung a bit longer, then headed back
home.

zakk looked at me later in the kitchen and we
were talking about those rolls of the dice.

you rarely ever hear zakk comment on things beyond
logic.

but last nite he shook his head and said 'mom,
that was you. that wasn't the dice. that was you.'

i laughed with him about it and said how weird it was.

and i've been thinking about it ever since.

i TOTALLY believe there's a flow you can step into.
i totally totally totally believe that.

now.
i don't know if i believe you can step into it and
win with dice.

altho....if you're in it, why not?

but i have seen life flow really really easily when i'm
in that flow. and i have seen magic happen when i'm in
that flow.

so.
like um.
why don't i do everything i can to stay in it???

there's gotta be one murky flow in my head sometimes
to forget about this incredible flow out there.

zakk reminded me of that last nite.

it's up to us.
it just is.

pass me those dice, will ya?

last nite...

i sat there and soaked in every bit that i
could.

i spent the first half of the concert with
tears in my eyes and squeezing bob's hand.

they were singing to me.
reminding me of magic and believing and
caring and angels.

all mixed in with crazy electric guitar
and electric violin.

the violinist was a young woman runnin'
around the stage, dippin' her head way
down over and over, and then runnin' to
another part of the stage.

i kept thinking of the incredible young
woman we lost to suicide a few years ago.
she played violin. and her dream was to
make it big. when her dream got smashed,
so did she.

i thought of her all nite. every time i
looked at that woman goin' to town on that
thing, bow flyin', hair flyin' with it...
i kept thinking how awesome it would be
if that was her....

the light show is amazing....and they did
incredible things....but my favorite was
the stars they made come out and the snow
they made fall.

i looked at my guys sittin' down the row
from me...enjoyin' it as much as i was for
all their own different reasons....

and it felt really really good.
we were all here.
together.
and i was gettin' my reminder of what the
season was about....

magic.
caring.
giving.
believing.
and yeah.....even angels.

concentrate, ter....concentrate.....

i'm tryin' so hard to concentrate.
there's so much stuff i need to do.
but i've got some of the christmas kid feelin'
today and i'm LOVING it.

feels good after the wobbly time lately.

the guys and me and bob and my bud who's
like my adopted brother are all goin' to
see the transiberian orchestra tonite.

ohhhhhhhh..........

i went a few years ago with the guys.
and loved it!
the guys have actually gotten tickets as
gifts the last few years and i've watched
them head out to those concerts on their own.
they always come back all aglow tellin' me all
about it.

well, this year's my year again....and i'll be there!
and bob and my bud will be there too!
how fun!
we're all headin' up in a truck together which will
be an absolute riot.
that's a LOT of testosterone!

the show is filled with lights and electric guitars
and christmas music to rock your socks off.

i want to sit and just feel it.
just take it all in.
soak it in like a little goofball sponge.

but first i must work.
i must do these things i gotta do.
yeah.
yeah.

concentrate, ter.
concentrate.

i've been talkin' to little ter a lot since
yesterday.

i think she busted loose.
cause i'm havin' a real hard time bein' a
responsible adult right now.

shifting and flowing....

i was watchin'.
feelin'.
tryin' to let things flow thru
rather than hold them.

i watched how things progressed.
what i did with my conversations.
what i did with those conversations
after they were done.

what was goin' on inside of me.

i checked in with little terri.

i was aware.

and i felt something shifting, moving
inside me.

i could FEEL it happening.

i watched. felt. wondered.

i had to call my buddy who's like a mom to me.
we kept missing each other.
there was relief inside me about that.
there's such honesty between us, i wasn't sure
i could handle it tonite.

ah. i missed her. got her machine.
relief.

and yet, some part of me needed her.
cause i tried again later.
when i didn't have to.
already left a message sayin' i'd catch her next
week.

i could run.
hide.
wait out a few days then check in when i was really
stable.

some part of me wanted her.
needed her.

i called again.
and i got her.

i skirted around what i really needed to talk about
for a bit.

but then it came.
and i filled her in.

logically.
as detached as i could.
i could hear her tearin' up over it.
she was tearin' up over my stuff.
she cares that much.
and she relates so much to it she can
feel it.
we are definitely kindred spirits.

i dropped the logic and detachment
and went for the honest open heart.

told her i was okay and explained why.
she was worried about me. cause she's like
a mom to me. so i explained to her what
exactly was up and what i was feeling
and why i knew it was really good stuff.

i had to put it in words out loud.
and mean it.

i could.
i heard myself.
knew what i was sayin' was true.

she got it.
understood.
i told her i loved her.

when i hung up, the shift inside me felt solid.
i felt like i was on some kinda solid ground for
the first time in weeks.

gosh, this is a weird ride.

with the ground shifting and moving and shaking me
whenever it seems to feel like it.

me wobblin' and stumblin' and leanin' and then
findin' the steady feet when i least expect it.

i want to hunker down and get prepared for the
next ground shaking stuff. for the next time the
earth is gonna open up and try to swallow me....

and i know i can't.
but i'll try anyway.

i'm gonna work on opening and awareness and
flowing and not holding, and talking with little ter.
i'm gonna do all that and read and ponder and listen.

and then get shook up all over again.

and one of these days maybe i'll figure out that that's
okay. that that's living.

and maybe one day i'll be okay with the flow just
like it is.

rivers

i was kinda wishin' for it to be sleeting
as i set out on my walk. nah. not even raining.
but it sure was wet.

my neighborhood is a swamp.
the rivers were runnin' all thru it today.
and i decided i needed to be out with them so
i wandered a bit and checked them all out.

watched the water. thought of rivers.
thought of life.

a friend had reminded me to check in on little
terri, and so on my walk, i did. the moment
i did, tears came.

yeah, maybe a lot of my funk has to do with
my inner child. so i tuned in a bit. and it
felt good.

kinda felt myself fold into myself.
hard to describe, but way cool to experience.
i held her, she held me, and we folded into
one another.

my gosh, i needed that.

i held on to her as i kept thinking.

i thought of life and patty in south africa.
how does she take care of her inner child when
she goes thru all she goes thru.

she's sent updates the last few days.
heart wrenching updates.
we'll be posting them on the tough angels website
for those who want to follow her and what she's
up to.

she said she's ready to come home.

i bet she is.

and.....i bet she's not.

how do you hold just one of her stories?
how does she live thru them over and over?

how do we keep in tune with our inner child selves
when there's so much goin' on?

and the rivers kept runnin' by my feet.

i was passing my elderly neighbor's house.
haven't visited in a bit as i've had a cough.
had to visit by phone as i didn't want to cough
all over her.

if i don't visit this morning, i won't do it soon,
i thought.

as i walked up to her house wondering if it was too
early, she opened the door before i even got to it.

i smiled.
'come on in, sunshine!' she said.

i smiled again.
i didn't quite feel like sunshine....but okay.

we talked.
she hasn't been feelin' well.

i listened.

walking home i listened to the water runnin'
by in the ditch.

sometimes i don't know how to hold it all,
i thought.

so don't, i answered, as i hopped over the
ditch into my yard.

don't.

just open to it.
and let it flow thru you.

turning to close my door i looked back
at the gray, wet morning.

let it flow thru you, ter.
let it flow right on thru......

the sky and me....

this new book i'm reading is hittin' on a buncha
different levels.

even on one i never noticed with a book before.

the cover.
the title has raised letters on it.
you can feel the texture.
i've found myself reading, stroking the texture
with my fingers.

when i carry the book from room to room,
i stroke the letters.
i love the feel.

the mom and daughter are travelin' in the book.

i got up this morning and thought 'maybe i need
to go somewhere all alone. just get lost. be
alone for awhile.'

i pulled up the shade of my studio and gasped.
the sunrise out the window was stunning.

wow.

i keep feeling like the universe is putting
magic in front of my face at every turn.
smack in front of my face.

like 'HERE! YOU NEED TO KNOW MAGIC IS HERE!'

i just stood there for a moment.
kinda taken by it all.

then i headed out for a walk.
didn't want to miss it.

and as i got down to the sky's stage area,
i stopped right in my tracks.
'oh my gosh.'
i said it right out loud.
and i crossed the street to find a good spot
to stand and just take in what i was looking at.

the clouds were lit up in those morning colors.
the pinks and oranges....with light shinging
up thru them so they totally glowed.
and right smack in the center....
so big there was no denying it...
was a huge huge huge hole that led into
the cloudless layer.

it was this huge hole in the sky leading into
the blue cloudless peace.....

it was amazing.

i stood there and just looked and looked and looked.

i had never ever seen anything like it before.

like it was just calling me.
come on thru.
come on thru and feel the peace.

i just didn't even know what to do with it.

i hated to leave.
but couldn't stand there all day.
could i?

i should have.

i stayed for a bit, then kept walking.
and looking back at it.
and thinking.

the sky is my place i need to go to.
and i don't need to travel to get there.
i just need to go outside!

and that's what i should be paying attention
to. it keeps hollerin' at me.
it keeps tryin' to get my attention.

is that possible?
it sure feels like it.......

i wonder what it is about the sky and me....
maybe it's time i traveled thru some of the
openings it offers.

desperation and consent

i found myself filled with that desperate
midlife feeling again.

i thought i was pretty much past that feeling,
but it seems to keep resurfacing.
i feel like i've made it out of the darkness,
but i'm still in the unknown and confused
part. and it feels desperate sometimes.

a friend gave me a book that is hitting sooo
good. i'm drinking it in like some sort of
medicine.

it's called 'traveling with pomegranates' by
sue monk kidd and her daughter ann.

i found myself stopping everything yesterday,
putting my feet on my desk, and reading a bit.

last nite, i quit early and sat on my couch,
and soaked in more of the book. and that's
what i felt like i was doing. soaking in it.
i needed it so much.

i read this line last nite:
'simone de beauvoir was of the opinion that if,
at menopause, a woman gives her 'consent' to
growing older, she is changed inito a 'different
being,' one who is more herself, one who is
complete.'

i'm not at menopause yet. but i keep mixing
menopause and midlife together. and i've certainly
got something goin' on.

and maybe this whole 'consent' thing is a really
good point.

i realized for the first time last week....
i mean REALLY realized....that my periods would
stop one day in the not too distant future.

and i really wasn't happy about it.
i'm really not okay with that.

i LIKE my periods.
i do.
i like my cycle.
will i still have a cycle?
some sort of thing i can track and watch and
observe???

i'm not sure i'm okay with this.

and that's the thing, i think....
i'm not sure i'm okay with any of this.

and i'm grinning.

i think maybe that's the part i gotta look
at.

the part about giving consent.
the part about being okay about it.
and finding more of my wholeness.

yeah.
that sounds about right.
sigh.

i wonder if i'll EVER get this stuff down???

playing the game of life....

i creamed them in poker.
major cream.
wiped zakk out of all his chips
three different times.
cackled my way thru it all.
gloated.
squealed.
ran around the table.
dived into the chips.

and no, it's not cause i'm a good
poker player.
at all.
there were two things goin' on.
total luck.
and total goofiness.

i drive zakk crazy cause i bet a ton
of chips no matter what i have.

so you see, sometimes it doesn't work,
and i get creamed.

oh.
does that beat what i have?
i say with sadness.

and away my chips go.
no.
i'm not a good poker player.

but i play with enthusiasm!

and zakk scratches his head and
says with disgust that there's no
figurin' me out cause i'll bet it
all on nothing.

sometimes i totally get creamed.

and then i grab something to eat and
wait til i get to have a whole new pile
of chips.

we'll restock me sooner or later.

yesterday as i leaned over josh's table
and pulled all those pretty chips my way,
a thought crossed my mind.....

you really ought to just live like this,
terri.

dive in.
go for it.
give it your all.
cackle with delight when you win.
stop and have a snack when you lose.
and wait for the time to come to refill
your chips.

if i could just get the hang of that with all
my life.......that would be the most
awesomest thing!

happy birthday, josh!!!

i woke up thinking about him.
it's his 24th birthday today!

24 years.
how in the world did those years pass?
i did the smaltz-ball thing.
thought of when he was little....
all the way thru.

he's one of my favorite people on
the planet. for real.
when he walks in, the whole place
lights up.

his enthusiasm is one of my favorite
things about him. his mind races a thousand
miles a minute. and i know for him, it's
both a blessing and a curse.
but it sure makes sitting around the table
with him interesting! there is NEVER a dull
moment with josh around.

i can talk to him about anything.
just the other nite he started to say something
to me and i looked at him. i was upset about
something 'be careful what you say here, josh,
or i may have to punch you in the face.'

ahhhhh....so good he's old enough i can say that
now.

grin.

i didn't have to punch him. he was really helpful.

old soul that he is.

we're celebrating today.
we'll be gathering at his house.

he's smaltzy and sensitive enough that he'll let
me tell him how much he means to me. and i plan to
today. i want to make a point of pulling him aside
and really telling him.

i know he knows.
but i'm thinking the pull aside moments are really
important.

i want to do more and more of them.

and yeah, i'll cry.
and yeah, he'll do the 'awwwww mom' thing.
and yeah, it'll be a moment i hold when i go to
sleep tonite....with him sleeping way down that
long hallway down at his own house.

happy birthday, josh!

my friend

she used to be drop dead gorgeous.
hmmmm. odd phrase.

in some ways her looks did kill her.
but only part of her.
another part refuses to die.
and keeps tryin' to shine.

we met when she was in her late 50's,
major weight issues, a lot of demons in
her head, and a lot of goodness in her soul.

we clicked right away and sorta adopted
each other. have been close ever since.
she's a source of wisdom and unconditional
love for me.

yesterday, for the first time, after knowing
her for about seven years, she showed me some
pictures of when she was young.

looked as if she walked off a hollywood movie set.

wow.
she was 'perfect.'

i sat and looked at these pictures, and thought
of all the stories she had told me over the years
of her growing up.

rape comes up more than once.
the coat hanger nightmare that i'd only read about
before i knew her was among the memories she's shared.
i couldn't believe it when she told me that story.
and the coat hanger wasn't the worst part. how is
that possible???
i don't think i coulda imagined the story on my own.

the pain. the loss. the learning the lesson over
and over that she didn't matter.

and there we sat, in her little living room.
she was in a wheelchair. her knee had given out.
her weight is a problem. she got a lesson in that
the hard way recently, and the wheelchair is scaring
her. she's working on a diet.

we talked of food.
of our bodies.
of the messages we really believed about our bodies.

the tears rolled down her face as she said 'i've been
punishing myself for years.'

we talked of the love we felt inside ourselves and how
hard it was to fit in sometimes. how we found it so
easy to be loving and compassionate to others, and
so easy to be hard on ourselves....

we sniffled, laughed, and hugged.

all the while, the guys were workin' on her car.
checkin' it out. making sure it was okay, tweaking
what needed tweaking for her.

they finsihed, came in, and saw us all teary.
we joked with them.
and then we all gathered in that tiny place and put
up her tiny tree we had given her years ago.

gatherin' around her wheelchair for hugs all around,
we headed out for the rest of the day.
it was much lighter, lots of goofin', even some
art buying.....major good stuff.

as we drove home in the dark last nite, i mentioned
to the guys what my friend had said. they don't
know all her stories. just that she's had some hard
times. but it was the quote that i wanted them to
know.....'i have been punishing myself for years.'

they all love her a lot.
they sat with her words, kinda held it.
it was moving for me to see.

she has told me over and over again how she has trouble
with men and how she loves my guys and how moving she
finds it that they are growing into really incredible
men. that somehow that helps her.

as they sat with her pain for a moment, i thought of
her feelings towards them.

amazing the connections and the healing that come in
ways you'd just never realize.

for my friend, for all of us, i'm doin' a prayer today.
may we all see how much we matter. and may we all learn
how to hold our beauty.

what the doctor ordered....

i didn't realize how much i needed today until
i heard myself whining to a friend i'll be seeing
today. he was calling, checking to make sure we
were coming.

i heard myself tell him how tired i was, and how
much i needed the day....

after i hung up, i realized how important it was
to me.

the guys and i are taking the day off.
just us.
my favorite group ever.

and we're headin' out to see our adopted family,
the art gallery we love, and the mountains.

life has been wearin' me out the last few weeks.
and i'm ready to be rejuvenated.

a car ride, shoved in the car with these long
legged weirdos, laughing, music, and stories...
visiting people we love and who love us back....
no schedule whatsoever....

yeah.
i think that's just what the doctor ordered.

grandmother moon

it was dark in my house this morning.
still is.
and i wandered over to get a drink of water
in my kitchen.
left the lights off.
went over to the sink, grabbed my cup,
started filling it with water when i glanced
out the window.

i did a double take.

the moon!!!!
right there.
right smack there.
hangin' in a tree.

i gasped.

and whispered hello.

i don't remember it ever hangin' in my face
like last nite and this morning.

hmmmmmmm.....i stood there looking at it for
a few moments. soaking it in.

was tryin' to remember if it was grandmother moon
or grandfather moon. what do they call it???

i'm thinking grandmother.
and i'm choosing grandmother.

kinda felt like i needed one of those lately.

so i stood there with grandmother moon and just
soaked her in.

between the ocean sky yesterday and these two
moon visits, i'm thinking there's a whole lot
i have to notice that goes on in my days.

little comforts and nudges everywhere.

i want to learn to see them.
once i see them, i easily feel them.

ahhhhhh and they feel so darn good.

i see the moon....the moon sees me....

i had finished up.
the guys were out...
all was quiet.

ohhhhhhhhh i soooooo need this.

had told a friend earlier 'i'm really
tired.'

i turned off the phones,
made some popcorn and a special
drink.

'because i LIKE popcorn' i said
as i wandered up to the kitchen.

'because i LIKE quiet.' i said
as i flipped off the phones.

this is gonna be MY time.

i have a new book.
a woman's book.
a gift from a friend.

i got in my jammies.
cause i LIKE my jammies.
didn't care that it was way too early.

snuggled on my couch.
the christmas tree was lit.

i leaned over to grab the blanket
to curl under. as i did so,i looked up.
the moon was shining right out thru the living
room window.

round and full and glowing and gorgeous.

ohmygosh.

i didn't know what to do.
look at the moon, my tree, or read my book.

oh my gosh.

i kept doin' all three.

and loved it.

the guys pulled in.
i said hello, welcomed them home.
and said 'join me, we have a visitor.'

yo sat down first.
zakk was in the other room.

yo knows me all too well.

he knew really fast i meant the moon.
he sat right next to me to get a good view.
'isn't it amazing?' he asked.

zakk wandered in.
zakk, we have a visitor.
sit down.
join us.

he had no idea.
yo pointed to the moon.
zakk looked at the moon.
looked at me.
'i have no idea what to say.' he said.
and sat down.

he talked about something.
i jokingly commented on it to the moon.
as if it was sitting with us listening.

zakk hesitated.
spoke again.
again, i commented to the moon.
yo was sitting next to me on the couch.

'i'm feelin' a little left out' he joked.

i laughed.

and just sat and soaked it all in.

i don't remember ever having the moon for
company like that before.

and i was just so grateful for it tonite.

my ocean piece for my friend......

Maybe the crisp clear awareness
I feel at the beach comes because
of the ocean I carry inside me.
For I can no longer deny its presence.

The waves that have washed and
rocked my insides since childhood.
The tides that are pushed and pulled
by both moon and man.
The water that can soothe
as well as freeze.
The depth of the ocean inside me
roars upon my heart today.

The tsunami comes at night
rising higher and higher,
screaming of your passing.
Pulling me under,
tumbling me over and over
through the pain and the fear.
Over and over the good memories
and the bad.
Tossing me through the unfinished story
between us.

Morning comes.
And the tsunami subsides.
I go about my day,
filling the ocean with my tears,
tasting the salt on my lips.
A gull flies overhead.
A starfish lands at my feet.
A dolphin jumps among the waves
and my heart leaps.

I remember the vastness of it all.
Hope fills my heart.
Tossing the starfish back into the water,
I bid you goodbye.

Pressing my toes into the sand,
I move forward and bless this flow
called Life.

the ocean in the sky

a friend asked me to write something for her.
it's for a really difficult situation and i've
been hesitating and having a hard time with it.

it musta rained a lot here last nite.
i went to sleep with the sounds of rain.
and as i walked, i watched all the little rivers
thru the neighborhood.

the visual of a river kinda got to me and i
started thinking of writing something for her.

when i hit my goodmorningworld spot, the sky
was so darn cool.

totally cloudless UNTIL you got to the horizon
part right over the highway.

and there it looked like the water and the sand.
the edge of the ocean.

i stood and looked at it.

the ocean, huh?
not the river??

i grinned at the sky.

okay.
i'll try it.

today i'll be sitting and working on that writing.
and i'm gonna see if i can work with that ocean theme.

wouldn't it be awesome if i could?
definitely would feel directed by something more than
me. and that would feel so darn good.

listening.
i need to keep watchin' and listening....

i LIKE this

i kinda hit a wall last nite.
something had to change inside me.
and i think it is. it did. or it's
happening right now.

which is awesome cool.

i walked around the house thinking about
the things i really liked in my life.

was focusing on gratitude.
with a real desperate feel inside.

so when i said things like 'i like my house.'
well i didn't just say 'i like my house.'

there was this big emphasis on the word 'like'.

i LIKE my house.

say it with meaning.
say it with drama.
oh yeah.
that was really cool.

so i started walkin' around listing things.

i LIKE this.
and i LIKE that.
and each time i said it with this determination
and strength that would knock anything flat that
got in my way.

it really really helped.

funny.
i don't remember ever doin' that before.

i don't know if it was the drama in my voice,
the emphasis with the word, that kinda thing....
or just the fact that i had hit a wall.

but as i walked around LIKING things,
i feel like i also took something,
wrestled in down on the floor and came up
feelin' way way better.

i usually think that we need to hold things and
be gentle and accept things and allow things inside
us. that seems to be the way things work best.

but i don't know.....
there was a wrestling match inside me last nite.
and it felt really really good.
it felt really really right.

i LIKED wrestling.

i think i needed that.

that ever present bomb.....

i heard myself say it and it clicked in my mind.
'it's just a bomb waiting to go off....'

yeah, that was it, i thought.
not really a new concept at all.
but a visual that made total sense to me.

thing is....there's different kindsa bombs.
the inanimate ones that you know will go off,
but there's no attachments to them.

or...the human ones that carry with them so
many emotional strings and entanglements that
it's impossible to detach as much as you want to.

but detach you must.
because the closer you are, the more the impact.

i walked today.
full walk.
all the way up to my goodmorningworld spot.
i had to.
this whole bomb concept needed some serious
thinking thru.

this particular bomb has been ticking for a long
long time. sometimes really quietly, sometimes
so loud i shake from the vibrations.

here's the thing about those vibrations tho.
sometimes the bomb's mere existence has been
enough to send vibrations thru me.

the very threat of the explosion.
the very uncertainty of it all.

and i think....i just got real tired of shaking
and waiting and losing life because of it.

i think i just hit some kinda limit.

i walked and thought.

there's a bomb there.
fact.

99 percent chance it will go off.
could be really really bad.
could be not so bad.

could be anything.

you have no control whatsoever.

all that you've been doin' to try to control
the impact, has cost you dearly.

time to stop.
it will most likely explode.
there will most likely be some definite
fall out to deal with.

you won't know til it happens.

there's bombs everywhere in life.
the blessing is that you never even know about
most of them until the blow up near you or on you.

i think of my marriage.
i always say it 'exploded' cause it sure felt
like bombs were goin' off right and left.

well.
i made it thru.
and i'm happier than ever.
sometimes bombs need to shake your world to really
change it.

they're not all bad.
they definitely aren't gentle.

but they're not all bad.

i tried to come up with good things i've gotten
out of just knowing this bomb is there. out of
tryin' to dance around it.

it took me awhile, but there were good things
to see. and i saw some major growth on my part.
the kinda growth i had to be pushed and pulled
thru. not the kinda growth i would naturally do
on my own.

okay.

so.
i looked at this darn bomb.

fine.

you be there.

and you explode when the time is right.
or when the time feels totally wrong to me.

but i refuse to give up any more life to
reacting to the ticking.

i'm done letting the ticking drown out my
own heart's singing.

and maybe this is the greatest gift that i
could take away from this whole experience.

that every thing is a choice.
and what we choose to react to is our choice.
and if we choose to let something drown
out our singing hearts, then we have to own that.

cause that's our choice.

do we hear the singing or the ticking?

if we hear both...which do we concentrate on?

it's entirely our choice.

woe.

okay.

alotta really good things happened today.
and still i struggled with some stuff.
well....pphhhhhhhhllllllllllllll........
i'm done with that.

i'm gonna go wash away the struggle in a hot
hot shower and gonna soak in the gratitude.
so many good things today.....
a great order, celebrating and laughing with
josh, a surprise present in the mail from someone
i adore, and the final topper that threw me over
to the gratitude side of life....

i made a new friend.
well, she hasn't accepted yet.
grin.
i asked if she'd be my friend.
hopefully she will.

she mentioned this poem to me.
asked if i ever read it.

um.......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...........

and for anyone else who's missed it......
i had to share.....

it's called 'do not be ashamed' by wendell berry:

You will be walking some night in the comfortable dark of your yard
and suddenly a great light will shine round about you,
and behind you will be a wall you never saw before.
It will be clear to you suddenly that you were about to escape,
and that you are guilty:
you misread the complex instructions,
you are not a member,
you lost your card or never had one.
And you will know that they have been there all along,
their eyes on your letters and books,
their hands in your pockets,
their ears wired to your bed.
Though you have done nothing shameful,
they will want you to be ashamed.
They will want you to kneel and weep and
say you should have been like them.
And once you say you are ashamed,
reading the page they hold out to you,
then such light as you have made in your history
will leave you.
They will no longer need to pursue you.
You will pursue them, begging forgiveness.
They will not forgive you.
There is no power against them.
It is only candor that is aloof from them,
only an inward clarity,
unashamed, that they cannot reach.
Be ready.
When their light has picked you out
and their questions are asked,
say to them: "I am not ashamed."
A sure horizon will come around you.
The heron will begin his evening flight from the hilltop.