can you hear me???

it's been a couple of funky weeks.
filled with a lotta tryin' to be there
for various people.

after finishing a conversation recently,
it occurred to me that no one's listening.

which works out okay as i don't need them to
right now.

but this last conversation made me notice it.
i've been on 'be there' mode for a fair amount
of people right now. they're all goin' thru
different things that are really hard.

so i try extra hard to be attentive and listen
and add what i can to what they're saying.
because of this 'mode' i'm in, i pay closer
attention to their reactions to what i say so
i can read what they need.

mostly i say something, they don't take any notice
and they keep on goin'.

that's okay. i get quieter and figure they just
need to be heard. so i listen.

or i try to say the things they need to hear.

and i don't say anything that i need to have heard
because i know that won't work.

'self absorbed' i call it.
and we all go there.

we don't usually notice when WE do it ourselves.
grin.
it's when others do it.

so that's when i watch and try to learn.

every one of the people i have tried to be there for
has been really self absorbed.

and every one of them is really struggling or trying
to hide from really struggling.

struggling or running.

so it stands to reason that i do the same thing.

i stop listening and get self absorbed.

isn't that funny?
prolly when we really could use some listening
and we're just tuning out.

figures.

it's like when i need to eat the healthiest
and i eat junk food more than ever.

same deal, i think.

i know for me, a way out of the funk is to get out
of the self absorbed.

hard to do when you don't know you're in it.

i'm watchin'.
listening.
and thinking i need to remember this.

listening.
maybe it's really not so much a gift you give
others when you listen to them.

maybe it's just as much a gift you give yourself.

hmmmmmmmmm..........

wrapping myself in blogs.

sometimes i give.
and i try.
and i feel.
and i hurt.
and i get tired.
and overwhelmed.
and grateful.
and lost.
and mellow.
and crazed.

and feel that i've been away.
and need to get back.

that's me today.
all of that.

and so i stared at all the work i had
in front of me and said 'hang tight.
i've got some blogs to read.'

and i went and read my girlfriend's
blogs.

and i cried, and clapped and i smiled
and i breathed in their goodness.

we have no idea how powerful our energy is.
and how soothing the compassion and kindness
and searching and trying is.

wrapping myself in it this morning as i head
back to work.

the processing begins....

was gonna skip the walk.
too much to do.
typing an order up when i looked out the window.
ohhhhhhh......the pinks and lavenders in the sky....
okay.
just around the block.

who knew i needed it so bad?

it's been such a whirlwind that i haven't processed
all that's been goin' on.

so the processing began.
and this weird panic kinda crept in.

i thought of sayin' goodbye to bob's uncle.
we dropped him back off at his apartment.
as we were pullin' in he said 'oh, i just hate
to say goodbye.'

and i didn't even know what to say.
i wondered if we'd ever even see him again.

i gave him two hugs goodbye.
and got back in the car and wondered.

this morning, the passing of time.
the lives passing in and out.
the kids growin'.
my own aging.
the funeral.
memories of other funerals.

it all swirled.
and i got crazy inside.
thinking it's all going so fast.
so so so fast.

and then i reached the sky's stage
and i stopped under it and just stood
and looked.

and looked.

and looked.

and took it in.
let it soak over me.

it was so calm.
so peaceful.

it's all okay, it whispered over and over
to me.

and i just stood there.

i have a lot of processing to do.
i can tell by the craze inside of me.

i need to make time to do just that.

and i so need to stand under the sky and
soak it in.
cause i heard it whispering.
but i didn't feel the message sink in.....

endurance

watched a documentary yesterday that had my
mouth falling open most of the way, and then
left me totally empty.

it was the story of an expedition to antarctica
and the WOODEN boat got stuck in the ice, eventually
crushed....the crew went here and there and did
impossible things....and finally made it back alive.
every single one of them. it was amazing.

the boat's name??? ENDURANCE

no kidding.

the show itself lacked any kinda depth i wanted.
i wanted to know how their insides were, how they
handled it. what they got out of it. all that. but
it didn't go there.

the story itself was incredibly remarkable. but
without the other, i felt empty.

at the end, it told what happened to everyone.
things like one guy enlisted in the war (WWI) and
died six weeks into it.

i just sat and shook my head.

all the stories of what happened to them got me.

why didn't they just curl up into balls right in
the beginning and die right then in the ice??? it
woulda been SOOOOOOOO much easier.

i felt so empty.

but here's the thing.........i don't know what those
men went thru and what they got out of it. i have
GOT to believe there was huge inner things goin'
on in them.

and i started thinking about everyone's lives.
every single one of us has an expedition we're goin'
on. and yeah, we may not be trekkin' across hundreds
of miles of ice with frostbite, but we've got our
own ice that we're dealin' with.

what's the point if we just endure and get to the end
and die???

endurance.

to me, that lacks something.

i want to endure, yes........but i want to do so
much more than endure!

otherwise....what the heck's the point? we should just
curl up at the first sign of trouble.

so what does that mean???

it's not the destination, it's the journey.

that's it, isn't it?

the timing is great.
i feel like i'm goin' into yet another endurance
stretch with part of my life. sigh.
but if i just try to get thru......then i've totally
missed the point here.

it's HOW i get thru.

buildin' a shelf....

i pulled him aside before he left.
you doin' okay? what's botherin' you?

and so we talked.
'i didn't want to come in tellin' you
this was bothering me.' he said.

i looked at him.

'didn't you know you said it in a hundred
different ways tonite?'

no.
he didn't know.

i've been thinking about that.

every single one of us does that every single
day.

what's on our minds and preoccupying our insides
is totally coming out in our actions and words.

hmmmm.......
some people pick it up consciously.
some pick it up and never really understand
what they picked up.

there's energy mixin' out there.
and we're creating the vibe.

so what do we do with that????

there's always gonna be stuff botherin' us.

i think for me, my just sitting down and saying
'this is goin' on. and this is how i feel.'
helps me move forward to be able to set it
down for a bit and live more in the moment.

i think that's what i need.
just an acknowledgment of it all.
lettin' everyone in so they can understand
my funkiness. and then knowing that whatever
happens is okay. it's a giving permission
for the feeling to be there. and then being
able to put it down.

somehow that giving permission is important
to me. it changes things. it strangely takes
the power away from the feeling.

not sure if others need that.

maybe what we need is a shelf.
a shelf to put things on.
to let them be there. to know they're there.
to acknowledge them.

by placing them there, we get some sort of
relief and can put them down for a bit
and enjoy the other moments.

maybe we all need to figure out how to make
our shelves.

wouldn't it be cool if there were a 'shelf
building 101' we could all take? and we could
learn the best shelf building technique that
works for us!

i gotta remember that.
and start a new phrase in my family:
'i just gotta build a shelf here, hold this
nail, would ya?'

cause for me, i need other people holdin' the
nails. that's part of the whole process.

quietly saying goodbye.

she was 'sposed to go over to the funeral home
and identify the body. we wanted to give her
a break. 'we'll go.' he said. i nodded. told
her to take whatever breaks she could get.

she wanted to 'warn' us of some ritual that
was done and that he might look odd and she
just wanted to prepare us.

hmmmm......okay. we got it.

and without even knowing it, we stumbled our
way into one of the most profound moments
of the trip.

he just wanted to save her some grief, and
make it easier for her. i just wanted to make
it easier for him.

it was in that caring that we walked in.

we both were fighting colds.
he had a throat lozenge in his mouth when
we walked in.

we were led to a dark, still chapel kinda room.
there were lights near the casket.
it was pine.
its simplicity was perfect.

the man quietly slid the top back for us to
look in.

it was totally quiet.

i stayed back a step to give him a moment.

i looked at him looking down at his dad.

the moment he saw him, he bit down on his
lozenge. i heard the crunch.
it was the only outward sign he gave that
he was feeling anything.
the timing of that crunch was amazing.
i could feel it go thru my entire body.

i noticed it.
watched him.
loved him.

then i took a step closer and looked and
said my goodbyes.

there was no need for warnings.
in fact, it was the only time i've ever seen
someone who had passed who looked like themselves.
that was a relief.

we stood there in the dim light for a little bit.
and we quietly said goodbye.

just the two of us.

a moment i'll always remember.

catchin' thanksgiving!

we landed on josh's doorstep yesterday afternoon.
the fire was goin', the boys were gathered,
and you could smell the food!

we collapsed on his couch for a bit before we
sat around the table catching up.

i kept looking at them, appreciating them.
don't think i could have been more thankful.

after hangin' at the table, we sat by the fire.

i was quiet. mostly listening. asking a question
here or there. mostly just listening tho.
and watching the interactions. and loving the
family that was mine......

i managed to be with them thanksgiving.....
and that in itself was such a blessing.

fly home...

headin' out.

bob's dad passed........

take a moment today and appreciate the day,
okay? maybe we can do that in his honor.

raisin' my cup to morry.
may he fly on with peace.

mean people suck

i'm not big on mean.

i just don't like mean.

i go beyond sad with it.
it actually makes me sick to my stomach.

and i don't know what to do with it.

no, it wasn't aimed at me.
i just heard about it.

it comes in so many forms with so many
different weights to it, doesn't it?

i wish we didn't have it.
i wonder if we need it for something?
i wonder if it serves any purpose?

maybe to find forgiveness?
maybe to find compassion?

man.
i'll go look.
see if i can find anything.
cause then maybe there's something good
that can come from it.

maybe there's a yin to its yang or something
like that.

maybe.

ready....

okay.
nap didn't work....
but i did spend some quiet time with
myself just concentrating on loving myself.
it was nice.

i got back up, did a few things i had to do,
then took a little tea break.

decided that if i'm gonna go headlong into a
week of i don't know what, then i'm gonna get
centered and ready inside.

so what did i do??
i went to my girlfriend's blogs!!!
i found that fascinating.....i just wanted to be
with them. i'm not done. got a few more to check
out.
then i'm gonna hit the ground runnin' and i'm not
sure when i'll stop.

but i tell ya what.....i'm gonna concentrate on
grace. and to do that, i wanted to start by soakin'
up some of my friends' energy.

my women friends are my strength.
gosh, i love them.

thought i'd share one of the blogs with you too.
check out ms. almighty heidi's latest poetic
post that will knock you to your knees....

bowing to you guys out there....
i'm headin' out to tackle the world with a little
grace and grit.....

nap time...

ah.
i took a stroll around the block this morning.
can't tell if it's an overcast day or i just went
out too early for the sun...
nice and gray and gentle.

just what i needed.

i was kinda wrapping the morning around me,
gettin' a hug from the universe when i heard someone
cough in the distance.

i looked over.
who's out here?
and i laughed at myself.

i've gotten pretty possessive of my morning.
this is MY morning. who the heck is out in it??

ah, i guess they can have some of it too.

my week couldn't be more up in the air this week.
there couldn't be more 'what about this?' stuff
goin' on.

i need to be on overdrive to make everything happen.

and i decided that i'm gonna go take a little nap.
there's just too much goin' on for me to handle
with grace at the moment.

so a nap is in order.

THEN i'll work on holding the moments with grace.

i feel like i'm giving myself such a big present.

i noticed i needed it....and i'm not denying it
from myself.

that in itself will do wonders for me.....

a favorite moment...

we don't have nearly enough time together.
and tryin' to make it work with what we do
sometimes can be totally frustrating.
but then there's the times we pull it off
so well that it stuns me.

yesterday was one of those days.

among many incredible moments, one of
my favorites was when we were sitting
at lunch and i started tellin' him something
i'd been reading and thinking about.

he looked at me and said 'i totally disagree.'

that was one of my favorite moments.

for me there's not too many people in my life
who can say that to me and i want to hear
their thoughts.

most don't say it.
those that do generally annoy me and i don't
care.
there are a few that can say it and i want
to hear.
he is one of those few.

the respect involved in an honest exchange
like that tickles the daylights out of me.

my women friends and i will usually say
something like 'okay, i get that, but what
about this?'....and we'll keep goin' in a really
inclusive kinda way.

we word things gentle and we take care of each
other as we go.

he just puts it out there.
and in return, i do the same.

and we respect the thoughts enough to actually
listen.

the listening is the gift that one gives.
the thoughts are the gift the other gives.
the end results of all of that is the gift
we both get.

and you can't get that without a ton of
respect and trust.

and all that wraps up into a thousand other
gifts...

and i just love that part between us.

quite a day

we were driving home.
it was dark.

we started talkin' about how we did with
the day and what all it had meant to us.

somehow the rain the nite before came up.

i talked about it crying.
made me think of my blog.

i told them that i had tried to blog about
my feelings that morning and it took me five
or six tries. that i had trouble getting
into words where i was.

i grabbed josh's iphone and pulled up my 'amen'
blog and read it to the guys right there in the
dark as we were pullin' out of my home town.

my voice wobbled at the end...'i will hold today
with all the grace that i can...i will honor you
in the beauty that is me.'

there was a pause.

'well, you certainly pulled that off, mom.'
one of them said. 'you really did' another agreed.

i made a joke about it.
told them of the rough start i had right out of the
gate and how i wasn't sure i was gonna pull any grace
off at all today.

but i knew i had.
i could tell from the hug i got at the end.
i knew i had.

and my sons were right there with me, rooting me on.
and.......beyond rooting me on.....
they were doing the same thing......without even thinking
about it.

they were doin' the same thing.

i had to concentrate on doin' it.

they just naturally lived it right there next to me.

i looked out at the lights in the darkness, looked
up at the dark sky....and thanked the universe for
their grace and beauty....for their very presence.

it was quite a day.

to write love on her arms

i was on youtube tryin' to find a good link
to put here when my speakers went out on my
computer.

prolly a good thing as i woulda sat and listened
to all the links there...and there's a lot.

so.

i'll just point anyone who wants to be pointed....

if you haven't heard of 'to write love on her arms'
you may want to.

it's an important group working with teens and
depression.

there's a newscast there to give you the scoop,
there's the founder of the group, the girl who's
story started the group, and whole buncha stuff.

if you or anyone you know's depressed, check this
place out.

i've got my tee shirt on today from them.

google them:
to write love on her arms.

youtube them:
to write love on her arms.

there's a lot there!

amen.

the rain woke me up.
it was so loud.
it was just pouring buckets on my roof.

i opened my eyes.
looked at the clock.

the timing was perfect.

the sky was weeping with me.

this morning as i walked thru the puddles
of tears, there was a crispness in the air.

it's both.
puddles and puddles of tears.
and the hope of a new day in the air.

bowing down to her beauty, and the beauty of
the sky...i reach out and hold my day as the
gift that it is.

for all those who have passed in tremendous pain,
i will hold today with all the grace that i can.
i will honor you in the beauty that is in me.

singing to myself...

tonite's an emotional one for me.
and so i thought i'd time the treadmill
and get movin' on that to set a decent mood.

ohmygosh.
how did i ever keep my sanity without that
thing???

i got on there and disappeared.
thing is, some of the places i went to were
rough.

i flashed back to some things i didn't want
to flash back to. but i did.

and i walked on that thing and i cried and
i cried and i walked harder and i cried harder.

i walked myself outta that place and into
a better one.

i was finishing up and i said 'no, wait...
one more song...'

it's a song i have on my ipod because it makes
me think of someone i love.
it's about bein there for them in the darkness.

i'll put that on some days and sing it to them
in my mind.

tonite....i decided to sing it to me.

and so i did.

i decided to run thru that one.....
and i sang it to me in my
head.....sang to myself how i'd be there no matter
what and when it didn't feel like i could get up
again, i'd be there....

i sang my little heart out.

i'm drinkin' water, sweatin, and thinkin how
we really are our own best friends.

we just have to remember that......

and the flame noticed...(part one)

we sat on the couch last nite talkin'.
he was talkin' about sadness.
he was feelin' it about his own things.
'i don't remember it being like this before.'
i said to him. 'i guess it's the age...people
die, things happen...'

he nodded and listed the things that had
happened since we've known each other. the deaths,
the things that have changed that we can't fix,
the losses, the loss of hope in some places,
all that stuff.

i started talkin' about someone's health problems,
and he brought up a guy he knew who was really
doin' well. i stopped and asked him....'does he
really reach out to other people?' i told him i
asked cause i saw it all the time with the people
coming thru bone sighs. the ones who can really reach
out beyond themselves, those are the ones who get
up again and don't just survive, but become.

he nodded. knew what i meant. but said this guy
seemed to focus on gratitude.

ah, yeah.
gratitude.

we talked of gratitude and reaching out being magic
in what it does for people. how that was an incredibly
powerful combination.

after he left, i sat on the couch by myself.
thinking.
there's too much sadness right now. it's ridiculous.
it's all around me. i've got to focus on the good or
i'm just gonna sink.

and then i took my walk this morning...

this little light of mine....(part two)

it was foggy out this morning.
i put the mail in my mail box, and turned to
take my walk. without even thinking i began
to sing out loud 'this little light of mine,
i'm gonna let it shine....'

i grinned. stupid song. perfect message.
and i sang it a few times.
perfect morning for it. foggy. that's what my life
seems like right now.

i gotta let my light shine, i thought.
i really really got to.
it's too foggy right now not to.

i walked, sang, and thought.

'that's it!' i thought.
'my gosh, that's it!'

i have been strugglin' for a week here tryin'
to figure out how to be there for people right now.
there's a lotta different people with a lotta different
sadness and everywhere i turn the way they need me isn't
my natural way.

i struggle. and i try to bury my light.

oh no.
oh no.

i can be there for them the way they need, and still
quietly shine my light.
still stay on the sidelines, holding up a candle...
even if all that means is that i keep an awareness of
light inside me.

and then the visualizations started.
i pictured some of the really hard times i've been
thru with people. i went back to myself in each picture,
and i placed a candle in my hands. one time, it was
too hard to even hold a candle up, so in my hand which
was hanging at my side, i hung a lantern in my fingers.

'you don't need to hold it up, girl. just keep it in
your fingers.'

it was like the floodgates opened.
i went to all kindsa dark places and just put light
on myself in some form.

'all i need to do is remember the light,' i thought.

and this feeling of sacredness started filling me.

nothing symbolizes sacred to me as much as light in
some form.

and then i thought of my beams of light......
and a whole new set of visuals came out....

beamin' everyone...(part three)

in a total act of humility here, i will
admit to doing something that sounds stupid.

i beam love at people thru my eyes sometimes
on purpose.

there.
i said it.

sometimes i just consciously think i want to
beam some love at someone, and so i do.
thru my eyes.
i usually scrunch my cheeks like some kinda
beam trigger.

i'm laughing.
this is actually true.
this is so embarrassing.

but it matters to the story....so there ya have it.

i started thinking about beaming light to everyone
i knew who was struggling right now.

ohmygosh, way harder than i ever imagined.

some were easy.
i started there.
i threw in my kids, cause i love to beam light at them.
they are so easy. the light kinda transforms into this
big ol' light hug. then i beamed bob and laughed. that
wrapped all around him and bounced off in a million
directions...just a whole lot there.
and then i turned to the harder ones.
and the tears started coming.

there's been anger and frustration and resentment
and all kindsa negative things mixed in with a lot of
this stuff.

that left.

you can't beam love and still hold that stuff.
it left.

compassion entered in.
and tears rolled down my cheeks.

one person woudln't turn and look at me.
he stared away from me. angry look on his face.
i had to try really hard. i found a place of love,
and beamed him.

he didn't change.
but i did.

maybe just for a moment.
i don't know.

but i was filling up with compassion with each
beaming. the tears were rollin'.

and i was touching sacred over and over again.

gratitude.
reaching out to others.
those are the things bob and i had mentioned
that did wonders for people.
don't forget compassion.
that's a big one.

and something else.....
something i don't understand enough to even try
to put into words....

the touching of the sacred, the knowing without
understanding of the holy.

that happened to me this morning.
and i'm still filled with it.

i think maybe some of those beams beamed my brain
or something.

cause i'm different right now.
still touched by the holy.
and not even sure what that means.

quotes

this just fell out of my book.
i had hand written these out.
i know the second one has to be from
women who run with the wolves.
i'm not sure about this first one...

more sharing..

'you will be called upon to account
for all the permitted pleasures in life
you did not enjoy while on earth.'

and then...

'to repair injured instinct, banish
naivete, and over time to learn the deepest
aspects of psyche and soul,
to hold on to what we have learned,
to not turn away,
to speak out for what we stand for...
all this takes a boundless and mystical
endurance.
when we come up out of the underworld after
one of our undertakings there, we may appear
unchanged outwardly, but inwardly we have
reclaimed a vast and womanly wildness.
on the surface we are still friendly, but
beneath the skin, we are most definitely
no longer tame.'


smilin' big time here......

women who run with the wolves

i had a dream last nite that scared me.
i remembered reading something about this kinda
dream in my all time favorite book 'women
who run with the wolves.'

so there, at two in the morning,
i stood in my kitchen reading what the author
had to say about this kinda dream.

it was a good thing.
meant things were changing inside me.
i actually felt better and went back to sleep.

i've just been skimming thru the book.
i have a thousand things underlined. i think
it may be time to read it again from cover
to cover.

i saw this and had to share:

'the old inuit say that the breath of god and
the breath of a human, when commingled,
cause a person to create an intense and holy
poetry. it is that holy poetry and singing
we are after.....

when a woman speaks her truth, fires up her
intention and feeling, stays tight with the
instinctive nature, she is singing, she is
living in the wild breath-stream of the soul.'

>>>>>

my gosh.
i love this book.

gettin' comfortable with it....

he stopped by yesterday.
i hadn't seen him in ages.
where ya been!!??? i exclaimed when i saw him.

he started out sheepish....
he'd gotten into a little trouble, he said...

and then we started talkin'.
he's been going to some AA meetings.
it was mandatory. not his choice.

i hesitated for a second, unsure of the
appropriateness and then tossed the hesitation
away. too tired of games this week, i just
asked 'do you think you have a problem?'

he was uncomfortable with the question.
i wasn't.
so i talked for a bit.
i could see him relax.
and we talked more freely.

after he left i thought of all the different
people i've met and all the different struggles.
and all the different ways we isolate ourselves
with it.

keep it in.
don't talk about it.
don't share.
don't want people to see us.
don't want to look. don't want to see.

i'm tired of that stuff.
it doesn't work.

i saw something yesterday.
if i'm not uncomfortable, that helps.
a lot.
i also saw it was when i open my vulnerabilities
to him, he could do the same.
i know that already.
but i watched it yesterday and clearly saw it.

to see you have to allow yourself to be seen.
and being comfortable with that deepens the
entire deal.....

so much to practice......
so much to learn.....

so much to share....
so much to touch....

so much to live.....

september song part three

okay, if you haven't followed the september song
posts, skip this as it will make no sense at all...

'oh, i've got a cool story for you~!' i told my brother.
and i proceeded to tell him my september song story.

so then he tells me this....

he's been whistling a little bit of a song his whole
life, he never knew what it was until recently.

you guessed it.

september song.

he whistles it all the time, he said.

he's not into cosmic weirdness.
altho, i could see the weirdness of the whole thing
grabbed him.

he said we musta heard it when we were kids and it
musta got stuck in our heads and that was it.

yeah, i said.

musta.

someting i needed

i walked one way so i could see the sky's stage.
i stood off to the side and soaked it up like
a sponge. i needed it. i was feeding on it.

then i walked the other way so i could view
what i now call the field's stage. the colors
in that field constantly take my breath away.
i stood off to the side again...soaking...feeding.

i walked back to the sky's stage.
i wasn't done yet.

i thought of how i felt like i was dehydrated
and i was soaking up something i needed.

something i needed.

i had been walking wondering how to love myself
in trying to love others. how not to lose myself
and my own needs in trying to help others.

i got no answers.
but i got something i needed.
the sky.
the field.
the soaking up of them.

and that mattered so much to me today.

ringing in my ears

i knew i had to call, but didn't know what
i'd say.

didn't seem to matter, he was taking the lead.
i knew he did that when he didn't want the
conversation to go in certain places.

okay, i thought....i'll follow.

and so i followed.
until he sorta opened the door.

i stepped thru.
'i don't know how to be there for you guys
this week. can you help me with that?'

'let's just talk about other things,' he said.
and he explained to me why.

'of course,' i answered.
and we talked of other things.
except his other things were screaming this
one thing. he never knew it.

but it was deafening on my end.

the ringing in my ears is still with me
this morning.......

mine again

crisis over.
everything's stable.
no one's goin' anywhere.
his pop will live to see more days....

i slowed the pace, took a lunch break,
and breathed a sigh of relief.

i keep thinking about him tho.
gonna have to call him.

there's a lot i keep thinking about.

talking to him.
what to say.

reaching out to people.
how do you know how and when and when exactly
it matters?
and the right way to do it?
and how do you say goodbye?
and the right way to do it?

and why it's so hard to love in a way that's
different than what i would want....

i turn back to a day that got a lot quieter.
i turn back to a day that feels like a gift as
i didn't have to give it up runnin' around.

i turn back to a day full of thoughts...

i turn back to a day that's become mine again.

mustache monday mechanic....

i thought of posting this picture, then decided
against it.
but then mary commented and said i was beautiful...
and that made me think of this picture!

it makes me laugh.
and sometimes i just want to laugh.

since i was workin' with the guys yesterday,
i grabbed a mustache, figured it'd be a good time
for a mustache monday picture (i post one every
monday on facebook)....

and this one....this one just captures yesterday
so well!

had to share....

oh.

ohmygosh.
it hit me like a ton of bricks.

it's just my nature.
be there for someone when things are hard.

ohmygosh.
he may not want me there.

he was real gentle.
but i figured it out.

it's still up in the air.....
everything's a big question mark.

but i realized that my being there isn't
always a good thing.

that maybe the way to help is to not help.

and maybe the way to respect and love someone
is to accept that.

not everyone works the same way.

go figure.

you'd think i'd understand that by now......

tryin' hard to love in a way he needs it.......

living it

i'm sitting here doin' some mindless work...
thinking....
and i was thinking about yesterday.

i rotated the tires on my car. the guys guided
me thru it all and advised me every step of the
way...but i wanted to learn, i wanted to do it.

i wasn't thinking and i was just chatting with
zakk and i said something about 'twirling' the
tires....he looked at me, stopped me mid sentence
and said 'um, mom...it's ROTATING the tires.'

i laughed.

oh yeah.
rotating.
not twirling.
rotating.

then i was tightening one of those lug nut things
and i was asking yo about it and i said something
about snuggling it all in tight.

he looked at me with total disdain and said
'you get it SNUG.'

and i burst out laughing again.

oh yeah.
snug.
snug.
not snuggled in.

i had to stand on the lug wrench to loosen the
lug nuts. so i stood on it and would float down
towards the ground as they loosened.
that was a thrill every time.

i thanked the guys up and down for being so patient
with me and teaching me.

yo looked at me....
'you're fun to teach, mom, you get so excited about
everything.'

i was thinking of all that just now.
mingled in with bob's dad gettin' ready to pass.

life.
life.
life.

living it.

sharing it with the ones i love.

i had told bob this story. then later when we
talked about traveling to see his pop, i expressed
concern that it was me who had just rotated the tires
on the car we'd take.

i could hear the smile over the phone.
'don't worry, you got the tires all snuggled in.'

i laughed.

life.
life.
life.

we gotta be aware, ya know?
we gotta live it. every part of it.
cause we only have so long........
even twirling the tires...being with the guys...
all of it....

we gotta be aware....

could be it....

he called last nite.

his pop.
not doin' so good.
a possible trip up today...
we don't know.

time to sprint into action around here.

and so i've been sprinting....
and thinking......

i went to bed thinking about him.
woke up thinking about him.
walkin' around thinking about him.
working thinking about him.

he wants to go.....and yet he's scared.
but i know he's had enough.
and i know he wants to go.
and i keep wondering what he's thinking now.

and i keep thinking about passing to another place....

maybe he will this time.
maybe he won't.

this living stuff....
this dying stuff.....
my gosh it's so darn full.

september song part two

okay....if you haven't read the post below,
september song, start there.

here's the ending to the story....

i kept thinking i needed to ask my mom if
this song had any particular significance to
dad.

i tried to call her all day.
once even when i was out having coffee with
josh and bob. i really kept being pulled to
ask. this is totally out of the norm. i rarely
call.

finally got her last nite.

she had had a great day and was telling me
all about it. we talked for a bit about that
stuff and then i said 'listen, mom, the reason
i'm calling is i was wondering if there was
any kinda meaning to the song 'september song'
for dad.'

i could feel the electricity sizzle across the
phone lines.

she had been chatty and laughing.
and i felt this sizzle.

she got hushed.

and her whole voice changed.

'that song meant a lot to your dad and i both.
it was our song.'

and she proceeded to tell me about it and then
said 'i was just singing it yesterday when i was
taking a walk.'

seriously? i asked.
yeah.
and she went on to tell my why and tell me the
whole story.

i had explained that it had been runnin' thru me
when i woke up and i had dreamed about dad.

i didn't feel like it would do anyone any good to
tell her it wasn't a good dream for me. i just said
it was an 'ordinary' dream. not like one i felt like
dad was talkin' to me or anything like that.
and i had asked my other dreams for help and i woke
up with that song. just a piece of it.

i stood there feeling her shock and the impact on
her.

'maybe i was sposed to hand that to you.' i said.

she sure thought so. and was totally moved.

the whole story is too weird.
and maybe i was sposed to give that to my mom.
their wedding anniversary is next week.
it's also the anniversary of the day we lost another
family member. so i thought i'd hang with her that day
and make the day a little easier for her.

now i feel like i just gave her an anniversary gift.
and maybe the day WILL be a little easier for her.

and that part feels good.

my inner struggles? still there.
what the heck tho. one step at a time.

september song

i had a dream about my dad last nite.
wasn't good.

it was in the middle of the nite.
i woke up and thought 'okay, give me some
dreams that will help me with all this, okay?'

i had a lot more dreams after that.
don't remember much of anything or any of
the meanings.....

but as i walked out of my bedroom tiny bits
of an old old song went thru my head.
'oh the days dwindle down to a precious few....'

and that's all i had.
i could hear it. but that's all i had.
i didn't know what song.......i just knew my
dad really liked it, whatever it was.

yo yo found it for me and i went to youtube
to hear it.......

frank sinatra singing september song.

my dad loved this song.

how totally weird.
i have no idea what happened last nite in my head....

but i'm listening to this song, thinking of my dad
and cryin' just a little bit.....

one of the most beautiful pictures i've ever seen...

if you haven't read about lady fair and patty yet
over at the tough angels site, i'm nudging you
once again.

patty's actually pulled off building a house
for lady fair and all the children that live with
lady fair! you can read about it here.

patty posted this picture up on face book today.
and for anyone who's not over there, i wanted to share this
with you. i put the edging on it....but it didn't really
need it....i just did it cause i wanted to touch it somehow.
i wanted to just touch the picture.

it's quite possibly one of the most beautiful pictures
i've ever seen in my life.

it's of patty and lady fair.

sometimes the world makes me fall to my knees and weep
with sadness for all the pain in it.

and then sometimes.....amidst that very pain, is this
beauty that is so blinding that it too can make me
fall to my knees. in an entirely different way.

this is one of those pictures....

lookin' the universe in the eye...or...um...sky.....

so i listened to that song again on the
treadmill this morning.....
among others....and i got inspired.
and i got to thinking.....
and i flipped back and listened to the
song again.....with a different perspective....

there's stuff in there about bein' your best,
that your number's been called and it's time
to do your best.....

it occurred to me that your number bein' called
doesn't have to be the big number calling....
the last number calling.

your number gets called all thru life.

step up here. and time to step up here.
and yep.....time to step up right over here.

again and again and again.......
and those are always times to do your best.

i feel kinda like i'm in a number being called
time for me right now.

small one.
but one just the same.

work's been slow. way slower than it 'should' be.
and that makes me mopey.

sounds a little silly when you're thinking of your
number being called.....

but ya see......work holds a lotta weight around here
for me. a whole lotta weight. and then the mopey runs
into other things.

there's some other stuff makin' me mopey.
i think i have it. i think i see the light, then i don't.
stuff hangin' over my heart right now that just makes it
heavy. add work bein' slow.....and i get mopey.

well......i got inspired by the song.....
and thinking that it's time to step up.
i thought i had several times these past few weeks,
only to get something else knock me back.

but i got to thinking about trust. and i was doin'
my thing on the treadmill, listenin' to this song,
thinking about trust......

i've got to do my best....

for me......that's all about trust.
i've got to step up and really really trust.

the time is now.....

i still feel heavy.
and i'm okay with that.
i've got my yin yang principal in mind.
there's always heavy. and this heavy right now
has to do with stuff goin' on this month.
it's gonna be a heavy month.

okay.
so?
there's heavy.

and it may very well be way way slower than
i would ever pick for this time of year and work.
so?
there's slow.

but when i think of all that i've been shown over
the past eight years about trust......

i know it's time to step up.
look the universe in the eye...um...or....sky
and say 'okay.
i got it. i'm trusting.'
and know it's all okay.

i think i've been too busy moping to see that til
now....

to me, this is earnin' the good stuff.
this right here.
and i want to earn it.
cause i know i can.

that song again......

i was coming up the attic steps
(the guys have their office up there...)
and i heard this song......and i was like....
woe.woe.woe. what is that song??? i know i've
heard it before.....i love this song.....

i walked into yo's office and said
"what is this?! i can't remember!'

'butterflies and hurricanes' he answered.
he just bought the album with it on there.......

i hit my head! 'of course!'

i want this song. i gotta walk on the treadmill
with this song today..........

he had turned it down while i was up there.
we actually had some business we were talkin'
about.

i headed back down the stairs, he turned it
back up loud....

i came right down here.
found it on youtube.
i've posted this before.........
but i'm postin' it again......

the woman who first sent this to me is terminally ill.
i just find it that much more meaningful when i hear it
because of that.
thing is.....we're all terminally ill.
we're all leaving here sooner or later.....

here's the lyrics:

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights, battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights and battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

don't,
let yourself down
don't let yourself go
your last chance has arrived

best,
you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

it was callin' me...

okay.
i couldn't stand it.
it's raining again this morning.....
i looked outside and the rain was just pullin'
and tuggin' and hollerin' for me to come out.
the wind was blowin' and callin' for me...

i looked out my living room window.
'darn it. i gotta go out there.'

i didn't want to miss sun up. and as i was
scootin' around getting dressed and makin'
my bed, i laughed at myself. there's no sun up
today, ter. it's raining!

oh yeah!

i went out with total glee feelin' like i was
sneaking into some place very precious.

at first i was surprised...i thought it was raining
harder than it was. a little disappointed as i wanted
to get soaked, i turned my eyes to the sky. the rain
felt like tears. ohhhhhhh it felt so lovely.
all disappointment vanished.

i walked and soaked up every bit of everything i could.
the leaves everywhere where just so beautiful....
the water flowing....the gray clouds blowin' fast across
the sky....it filled me so much that my eyes kept tearing
up with gratitude.

gosh, i've missed this.

at one point i couldn't figure out if it was my tear or
a raindrop near my eye. i stood there at my goodmorningworld
spot and tried to see if i could tell just by feeling.
i did. it was a tear.

on my way back, the wind was blowin' really nice against
me. i felt like i was gettin' my soul blown clean.

i thought about it. closed my eyes for a moment as i walked.

i thought about how sometimes i just want to curl up with
my mom holding me. and how that just wouldn't work anymore.
even if i had the most magnificent mom on the planet. that
what i need sometimes is bigger than any human can offer...

i opened my eyes.

seems like it's the sky that offers what i need, i thought.

and i just felt held.

i didn't want to go in.

i stood in my yard a few minutes.
tears runnin' down my face.
my soul was opening like it hadn't in weeks...

my soul was opening.....
and it felt so incredibly good.

four comments and a whole lotta wisdom....

i wrote the post below because i was filled with it
and i wanted to remind me and anyone and everyone
that reachin' out to others matters. sometimes they
can't reach out themselves. i was filled with that.
still am. that's why i wrote it.

i got four incredible comments. (if there's any more
after that, i just haven't seen them yet...)

so incredible i wanted to put out a piece of each...
if you haven't read the post that sparked them, it's
directly below this one. might want to read that first.

i actually didn't want comments. this one hurts a lot
and really just kinda shreds my heart a bit. so what
could someone say to help, ya know??? i was afraid any
comments would just poke the wound.

leave it to you guys to show me how wrong i am....

'lis comes along first. she's lost her sister. and she's
still whirling from the grief. she just recently lost
several friends....she's young. she shouldn't be losing
this many people. but she is. and she tells me she knows
what i'm feeling.

that right there.
that was all she had to say.
cause i know she does.
and that helped.
but she throws out the profound....maybe it would have
made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have.'

that sentence is so true.
and honestly.....there's a real real high chance it
wouldn't have. and i have to see that part too.

she shines so incredibly bright to me. i walked away
from her comment feeling understood.
a pretty good gift, i'd say.
i also walked away filled with melissa's spirit.
knowing she's had some real tough stuff and she keeps
shining.

then claire pops in.
i haven't talked to claire in years.
we exchanged emails years ago......it felt like an old
friend stopped by, with this piece of wisdom....

we must accept what people choose.

i had worked so hard on that. i really had.
i totally forgot that part. and the part that we
can't control things.
gosh, i have such trouble with that one....

i so want to control all this stuff. and claire
reminds me of the way it really is.

she ends it with a profound thought...
'if someone has never known the kind of trusting
love that you offer, how would they recognize it?'

i gotta believe she's known it. i gotta believe that.
for my sanity. (no controlling there, huh?)but i think
that's a really big thought to keep in mind anywhere.

then ms. sorrow (who totally needs to write a book)
captured exactly what i wished i had written...
how we can use that feeling to keep trying to be
there for the ones that are still here. 'i hold
this pain in my heart that i failed you. it is a tear
that never mends, and i pour my love into the world,
trying to be there for all the women whose face i
look into and see your eyes.' ........bingo.
that is it. bam.

and then the actual gramma came thru. go figure.
the post motivated her and reminded her to keep on
what she's doin'. i know she didn't need that. i know
she will anyway. but i smiled when i read it. cause
that's what i wanted to do....remind everyone.

i sat and looked at these comments and cried this
morning.

that's a whole lotta wisdom in four short comments.....
i figured they needed a post.

thank you for these.....lis, claire, sorrow, mona....
they mattered.

tearin' up....

i still kinda go with the theory that i scared her.
that i was a little too free, not religious enough,
and that maybe that kept her from me. but it doesn't
really feel like it can be enough....

i remember the very last time i saw her, i held both
her hands in mine and i looked her straight in the
eyes and told her 'don't let anyone tell you what
you can and cannot do. don't let anyone take your
dreams from you.' and then i told her that if she
needed to talk, i was right there.

and then i stepped back.
because i never believed she really wanted to talk
to me about this stuff.
i had a really strong feeling she wasn't comfortable
with me.

i couldn't come up with any reason besides the religious
one. she was very very religious. i was not.

and she never came to me.
never wanted to talk.

six months later she took her life.

someone wrote to me today.
she's bein' there for her 15 year old granddaughter.
it's a rough road. but she's gonna be there for her and
try to help her become a strong woman.

i teared up.
and i thanked her for being there for her.
told her it mattered.
and that i wasn't there for someone.

i've been tearin' up ever since.

i know.
i know.
i offered.

i can't understand why she wouldn't come to me.
i think of myself as loving and open and warm.
why wouldn't she come to me???

i know.
i know.
i've told myself all the things you guys are thinking.

it's just that time of year.
almost the anniversary of her death.
she's on my mind every day.
and i keep thinking that i coulda been way way more
present.

so why do i put this out there?
i really really don't want anyone to write and tell
me that i'm wonderful. thank you if you even think of that.

i put it out there cause i really think i dropped a ball.
no, i don't think i dropped the main ball.
there were people she did turn to.
people she did feel comfortable with.
people she did talk to.
and they did drop the ball.
they didn't listen.
they didn't act.

but at the same time.....there's a ball i dropped.

and the grandma that wrote me today brought it all back to
me.

we need to be there for each other.
and if someone can't come to us, maybe we ought to check
in here and there and see if they need us to come to them.

maybe i just shoulda done that.....

the noise outside. the noise inside.

i sat in my back yard to think today.
i watched a leaf fall and hit the ground.
i listened to the sound.
it makes a great sound when it hits all
the other leaves on the ground.

i wanna hear it again, i thought.
and so i sat and listened.

ohmygosh....what is all that noise??
we always hear traffic in my yard....
but this was never ending traffic/car/
truck noises.

i got so distracted.

does it always sound like this and i'm
just now noticing???

i saw a leaf not too far off fall.
i couldn't hear it hit.
way too much background noise.

what is that about??

i finally gave up...went inside.
bumped into zakk.

zakk, you gotta tell me if this is normal.

so i dragged him out to the back porch.

no. that's louder. he said.

hmmmmmm.......good.
cause it's too loud.
and i wondered if i was goin' crazy.

hopefully it's just a temporary thing.
hopefully.

hopefully it's just like the noise of life.

sometimes you don't notice it.
sometimes you can hear leaves fall and be
moved by the sound. and sometimes you can't
hear anything soft and gentle happening
around you.

it just depends on the day.
and the noise inside you.

the song!

ah! it's here! we finally have it up!

i just bought mine! it'll cost you 1.99
but every penny of that goes to patty and
her work in south africa.

this is the inner child song i've been talking
about. it's so so awesome!

done by my good good friends lynn hollyfield
and grace griffith.

download it and then make sure you got some decent speakers
you're listening out of......you're gonna love it.

wanna do some inner child work?
this song will get you in the mood!

click here to check it out! scroll down to 'diamond
in the rough.'

who's sad? who's happy? who's who???

a couple of things happened last nite
that made me sad.
ah. i didn't much feel like bein' sad.

but there i was.

i lay down to go to sleep and thought of
one of my favorite books. it's called
'who dies' by stephen levine. it's totally
awesome. he worked with the dying. every
page is a gem.

he talks about looking at your thoughts
and feelings and becoming aware that they
are not who you are.

so if you're sad, he asks you to look at that
and ask 'who's sad?' and kinda step away from
it and watch the process goin' on.

so i lay down last nite and asked myself
'who's sad?'

i grinned a goofy grin and shouted in my head
I AM!

then laughed.
prolly not what he meant.

and i tried again.
and watched the process inside me until i fell
asleep.

things look better in the morning. and i handled
what i needed to handle....

it's a new day.
i want to be happy.

and then i smile, sit back and think 'who's happy?'

it's such a funky thought...

who the heck are you?
you all those thoughts and emotions?
or do they just rattle around inside you?

i think it's time i pulled that book out again....

christmas lights!

so there we were up on the roof.
yo, zakk and me.

they were puttin' lights up.
i was tryin' not to fall off.

we laughed, joked, talked, and figured
out what we were doin' with the lights.

'you sure you're okay with this?' they
asked as they set out a really uniform
pattern.

'this is awfully symmetrical for you, mom.'

i grinned.

thought of my hippie pot of pansies i just
planted.

'that's okay.' i said.
'it'll surprise everyone.'

it was so enjoyable.
no hurry. no crazed rush.

the past few years, it's gotten really hectic
around here business wise for christmas.
we've also had big time deaths in the family
the last two years.

doin' things like puttin' up the lights has
always been a fitting it in kinda thing.
last year i remember just trying to make it
nice for the guys when all i wanted to do was
cry...

not today.

it was a leisurely treat.

and THAT felt like a real gift of the season.

i think i'm gettin' in the mood around here!!
already!

and i'm laughin' about that.

we prolly won't turn the light on til after
thanksgiving...

prolly.

but i don't know.

i'm feelin' like i want to enjoy the holidays
this year.....

pass the eggnog!

a little piece of heaven....

i went out to plant my pansies.
it's totally like a warm spring day
outside today.
i felt the sun on my skin and it just
felt so healing. i need to stay out
here i thought. this feels like i need it
somehow...

i planted some of the pansies in a pot
and then plopped the pot on the porch.
i leaned back, looked, and laughed out
loud.

why does everything i plant look like
a hippie planted it?? why is it i can
never quite make it look a bit more um...
'kept' or something???

it looked like a massive mound of greenery.
i laughed, shrugged my shoulders...
oh well.

and decided i needed to stay outside.

christmas lights.

yep.

perfect day.
so warm my fingers won't get cold....
and a perfect excuse to stay outside.

ohhhhhh.....i went up to see if i could
get the guys on board with the lights.

i was sure they'd roll their eyes and say no.

they were in! just give them a little time.

okay!

i grabbed the lights, and a special drink i
had gotten myself for a treat a few days ago.
i was saving it for just the right moment!

the right moment had come!

actually runnin' thru the house so excited
that i'd get a moment out in the sun all
to myself with a treat of a drink....
i scooped up everything i needed.

i sat in the sun, on the ground.

'i want to smell the grass.' i thought.
'i want to smell LIKE the grass,' i thought.
and i lay smack down in it.

ahhhhh.......

i sat up.
stared at my house.
trying to figure out what to do with the lights.
and i sipped my drink.

and i delighted in a little piece of heaven.

flowers...vases...and a wonderful smell....

i didn't see him when he came in.
i was up in the attic.
so he had time to put the flowers and vase
on the table and come on up and join us
in the attic.

we hung out for a few minutes, then went down.

i turned the corner to my kitchen and just
stopped.

there was the prettiest vase filled with gorgeous
roses and star gazer lilies....and their smell
just filled the room.

i just stood there.
looking.
they were beautiful.

he spoils me with flowers.
he always has. and i love it.
but this was a bit extra even for him.

he stood behind me,'you're not saying anything.
i can't tell if you like them.'

i turned to him and hugged him.

it was the vase....something about the vase...
it just really told me 'i love you.'

turns out, it's made in america.
we both have this 'made in america' thing and are
trying to reduce the made in china spending as much
as we can. and there was this tag on the vase that
said the america thing. i was surprised.

where'd you get it?? i asked.
he wouldn't tell. he doesn't tell when it's a gift.

later, over dinner as he and i sat with the flowers
i found out he ordered it special off the internet.

i grinned.
picturing him ordering a vase...it was just too fun
a visual. the fact that he actually took the time to
do that.....meant a ton.

it's funny.......i didn't know any of that when i
looked at the vase the first time.

i just knew it was sayin' loud and clear 'i love you.'

the smell of the flowers just fills my kitchen.
i walked by last nite on my way to bed, and this morning
as i got up and was hit with the smell....

closing my eyes each time, i breathed it in....
smiled.
and felt loved.

they make me happy.

i had the funkiest most wonderful zinnias
in my window box. i totally loved looking out
my living room window at these tall hippie
flowers lookin' so bright and perky.

i cut them down last week and it looked so
bleak.

i wasn't gonna plant anything in there.
it's winter....i'll end up putting christmas
lights in there. just leave it alone, ter.

oh but it was soooo bleak.

so i got me some pansies.
and i planted them in my window box.

and the joy!
oh my goodness!
the joy i'm getting from them!

yesterday i picked up more pansies.

and i'm planting them today.

i usually get stuff so that 'the yard looks
nicer' or some boring reason like that.
'this will look pretty when you walk up.'
whatever.

i got these cause they make me happy.

that's the only reason.

i'm planting them cause they make me happy.

and every time i walk by them they'll make
me smile.

what an absolute delight to do something just
for that reason alone.....

they make me happy.

the breakfast sound.

i was in the other room and i heard
yo and zakk at the kitchen table talkin'.
it was breakfast time.

i listened and noticed....
it SOUNDS like breakfast.

memories of so many breakfasts flooded
thru....

comin' downstairs at my gramma's house
and hearin' my mom and gramma at the breakfast
table...

hearin' my parents at theirs....

they all have a sound.
a breakfast sound.

how totally cool.
i never realized that before.

and the season begins....

and so she strings christmas lights.
early.
as he may not be here to see them if she
waits.

in pain, both in her body and in her heart,
she'll be climbing up here and there to
make those lights shine for him.

i think of the christmas lights i looked
at as i drove back and forth to the hospital
as my own dad lay dying.

funny....even when i was a kid those lights
were more than something pretty.
they were hope in the darkness.

i even felt it then.

i feel it way more now.
and the season begins.........

the dream gods left me a gift....

it was an unusual building....i was in part of
it and there was a river inside of it. and
something was poisoning the fish. they were
dying. it was icky. i went off in search of
what was doing this. and i came to this big
open room that you could see out of all sides,
including the ceiling.

i thought it belonged to the rich guy i knew.
this place had to belong to a rich person.
he must live here, i thought. he must own it.

no. it was totally open for anyone. i wandered
in with complete awe. the first thing i said
was 'wooooooooowwwwww look at all the sky you
can see.'

and then......the big waves started coming.
really really big waves.

but i was safe in the room.
so the waves weren't a threat.
i stood under them. watched them come towards me,
curl over me and i was in awe of their power, their
size, their strength....but i wasn't scared of them.
i was thrilled to be standing there watching them....
i could feel their mist. that was in the room. but that
was all...

******************

there's more. but i know reading someone else's dreams may
not be all that interesting.
but that part....i thought i had to share......
cause that part seemed profound to me.

it's still inside me. i'm just kinda walkin' around with
it in my hands real gently feelin' like i got a really
cool gift from the dream gods last nite....

again....i see god.

something just happened to me.

something cool.

i've been doin' an internal battle for a few days here.

not sure what it's about....and keep tryin' to argue
with the negativity and anger that's runnin' thru me.

today i was cleaning thru my mail box.
i came across a note from a woman who wrote some time
ago. she was having a rough time. i had asked her
what was goin' on and she didn't have the strength
to tell me at that point. i left her alone.

i came across her note today, and sent her a note telling
her so and that i hoped things were better for her.

she wrote back tonite.
and she told me what she had been thru.

mygosh, i read some amazing stories.
i sat there and read and shook my head and thought of
all the layers and layers of grief she must be feeling.

and somehow...i don't know how....i'm not sure why....
something shifted in me as i read. something lifted that's
been sitting on me for days.

i wrote her back. and here's part of what i said.....

i wrote something in my blog earlier this morning......
about sharing the dark stuff with people.......
how there's so much dark....
but one of the holy parts of it all
is the sharing and the caring that happen.

i left something out.....
it's the shifting out of our selves, out of our funks.....
that also happens.

and that also is holy.


her note somehow refocused me.
shifted me.
it's not the me feelin' better part i'm talkin' about
here that is so cool (altho that is too!)
it's the fact that we can be moved so deeply by others
that it can truly move something inside us.

it's the fact that we need each others stories.

and thru the stories of others, our own get shifted.

again......i see god.

just a little touch of god...

she was nervous about halloween nite this year.
worried about givin' out candy on her own.
so the guys, bob and i went and hung out with
her during trick or treat hours.

she loved it.
we had one set of trick or treaters....
and a whole ton of left over candy.

another neighbor stopped by.
he was chattin' and one thing led to another
and he told us the story of his wife losing
her brother. it was an incredibly moving story.

in a day or two, my elderly neighbor came peekin'
in my studio window. she couldn't get around to
my door as it was a swamp.

i laughed, ran up to the kitchen door to meet her.

she had a huge bag of leftover candy for the guys.

we laughed and chatted on my back porch for a bit.
a scene we've been repeating for years and years.

the next morning i slipped a card into my neighbor's
mailbox...the one who lost her brother.

last nite they knocked on my studio door and came
in for a little visit. the fact that they even know
to come around back to find me, makes me smile.

we talked of their son coming home from the war and
the troubles he was having. she asked me of a loss
that i had had...and we shared a little life together.

i was thinking of the whole string of events here
this morning as i walked.

i love having a neighborhood. or at least a street....
where we can all check in on each other. i love that.

i love the part about even when life can be so hard
and dark and trying....people can stand around talking
about it and sharing it and there's this feeling there...
i don't know......maybe it's a touch of god in it all.
i don't know.

but that feeling......
that feeling of caring and understanding....
the feeling of neighbors reachin' out to each other.....

just a little touch of god.

my own stinkin' words....

ha!
i had to do something with my list of quotes.
so i sat there with the most recent quotes goin'
thru them when i actually started reading them.

ohhhhh.....yeah......i nodded.

oh. yeah. yeah. yeah.

mmmmmmm.......

and i found myself nodding and remembering some
of the journey this past year.

i felt sooooo much better.

not sure why.

but i did.

maybe that's something for anyone who writes/
journals/blogs to remember....there are times
your own stinkin' words can actually help you!!!

grinnin' and feelin' grateful!

slippin' and slidin'......

somehow the world tilted....or maybe the moon
pulled me....i don't know......
but i slid right outta this really good place
i've been standing on.

i spent some time tryin' to figure out why.
had several explanations....but who cares?
i'm here. in this funky weird spot.

i noticed my shadow as i walked.
a lone shadow walkin' along...i watched it
for a bit. i couldn't figure out the feeling
i had...it was kinda sad....kinda lonely...
but more haunting....echoing.......

i looked up at the moon and wondered if
it was really pulling me. then i looked again
and couldn't find it.

who loses the moon???

'don't leave me.' i thought in a way that
was a bit too desperate.

i noticed the desperate.
what are you feelin', ter?

i thought of yesterday.
three different times these really negative
self doubt thoughts flooded in.
i actually noticed each time.
saw it. went 'woe!' and then put it down.
that's way cool that i noticed and could put
them down......bu they've been floating around.

along with that wave of 'what's it all about??'
that wave keeps washin' over me.

i don't like that wave.
it always makes me feel incredibly lost.

i toyed a bit with my new 'yin yang principal.'
but about all i got out of that was it was okay i was
feelin' this way...

but as i walked into my driveway, i think it hit.

i looked at yo's truck.
a woman who's like a mom to me gave the truck to
yo years ago. it's such a symbol of both of them.
it's totally love and goodness. this silly blue
truck in my driveway.

i felt that feeling inside me.

then i looked over at the pile of leaves zakk had
started and left....and i felt the gratitude for
him.

and the yin yang principle came to life inside me.

yeah.....i feel weird...odd....off....
part of me does. and i'm gonna respect that and
accept that.

at the same time.....there's so much good right
around me that i can't ignore it.

i just have to keep the balance and keep holdin'
all of it......

lookin' at the truck and leaf pile, it was easy.

i may have to go out there a few more times today
just to look and remind myself....

there are so many parts to the cycle of life.....
and i just slid into this one...but it's not the
only one i'm in.

somehow that helps.

need a laugh??

ohmygosh...i was looking for something over
on my website. and i've totally forgotten what
it was now. i got so distracted!
we have this page called 'need a laugh?'
and if you haven't been over there....you just
gotta go! i watched the top three things and
was just laughin' like a lune here!!!

hey....if you watch the skeleton one, give the
guy a minute...cause he really gets goin'!!!

need a laugh?
definitely go check these out!

the haze is okay

i was struggling with something this morning.
just wrote a note explaining what i was feeling....
and in it i wrote 'i need to get comfortable with
this before it happens.'

and while i hit the send button and sent it,
that line lingered in my head.

no, i don't.
i really don't.

if i throw in the infamous new yin yang principle
(see post below) i really don't HAVE to get
comfortable with something i'm not comforable with.

there are things that i'm comfortable with and
things i'm not. and they will always be swirling
around. and that's okay. it's not one or the other.
there's always a mix.

if i fight to make it all 'okay' inside me....
then i'm not honoring the principle. and i want
to try honoring this idea of mine for a little
while and see how it works.

the idea of letting it all be.

maybe there's another layer to all this.

what i'm uncomfortable with, doesn't feel right to me.
but i'm not doing anything against my values. it
just feels uncomfortable to me. BUT at the same time,
it's honoring someone else's wishes.

okay.
so now....maybe if i can dig down to the bigger
thing.....do i feel comfortable honoring someone's
wishes as long as it doesn't go against my values?
yeah. yeah. i can do that.

and yeah, that's what i would choose to do.
that seems to be the respectful thing to do.

so.....there's two ways to honor someone's wishes...
willingly. or begrudgingly.

well...okay.......i gotta do it willingly.
i know that.

so okay. maybe putting out there how it feels to me
and being honest, and then willingly doing what they
ask is the way to go.

and then all the time knowing that there is never
any clear answer. it's always a haze....

and the haze is okay.

i'm gonna give it a shot and see how it fits today....

the yin yang principle

something's been dawning on me lately....
i've been sitting with it a bit.
the more i sit with it...
the more it feels right.

i call it 'the yin yang priniciple.'

i love the yin yang symbol and find soooo
much wisdom in it. sometimes when bob
and i are talkin' tryin' to figure things
out we hit a spot and say something brilliant
like 'it's that yin yangy kinda thing.'

when you've got the opposites going and
both are true.

well......it is finally sinking into my bones
that life isn't a disney movie.

i know, i'm slow.

and what you have is a huge mix of the joyful
and the sorrow filled.

and you can have both at the same time.

i think i have used up soooo much energy just
fighting the 'sad' or the 'bad' and tryin'
for it all to be good.

but there's no reason for the fight.

it's never all one thing.
it's always a mix.

so the practical application for me goes
something like this.....

i work on holding both. and concentrating on
the one that fits the moment.
there's a time for both.
and to just hold one is wrong.
it's not whole.
i hold both. but at different moments.
and know that at every given moment, there is
both.

i've tried it out just a bit so far....
and i'm amazed at how much it's helping me.

and i'm thinking the more i practice, the more
i'll be able to go from one to the other.

i'm thinking i'm onto something here.
and i'm really likin' it.....

life.
that ol' yin yangy thing.

it's a tradition!

'it's a tradition!' i sang out last nite!
i met up with my sons and bob at panera when
i pulled back into town.

when one of us is away....for the day....or
even for just an event, like me and the play...
we try to catch up and meet there and tell
stories about whatever happened. or at least
that seems to be the pattern. and last nite
i declared it a tradition.

even the parking has become a tradition. and
how we all line up next to each other.

i was the first to pull in. and i coulda parked
closer, but it didn't leave the two extra spots
for the other cars. so i pulled further away
so we could all park together. they do this too.

even that makes me smile.

i was the first to arrive.
started crossing the parking lot, when bob
pulled up. i walked back to meet him.
threw him against the car, hugged him and
told him how much he meant to me.

it wasn't long before the boys showed up.
and we sat around just glad to be there.
i kept thinking how lucky i was to have them,
and was just soaking them all in.

josh got started with past life talk, i
hopped on board, and before you know it, everyone
was creating past life stories for themselves!

i declared to bob that he HAD to have been a
warrior. i know he was. and probably roman.
i took a sip of water and almost spit it out with
laughter when he said 'maybe that's why i don't
like sandals!'

i love those guys.
and i love our tradition....

plays

so i got a little cosmic watchin' the play
i attended yesterday.

my friend who i'm always rejoicing is still here
because we came so close to losing her was in
the play.

i watched her up there beaming. singing, beaming.
i sat and thought about how totally cool it was to
see her up there, doin' something she loved.

the guy who played the butler reminded me so much
of a friend i lost some years ago. the friend who
when he passed, i got mad at the world and isolated
myself and cleaned my attic and painted my living
room. that friend. so i particularly liked him.

there was a woman who reminded me of my sister in law
with cancer. and someone who even reminded me of my
dad...altho i couldn't figure out why as the similarity
seemed way way of a stretch. but since he reminded me
of both my dad and my dad's brother, i knew something
was there.

so all these people were tuggin' on some strings for
me as they said their lines and sang their hearts out.

i thought how lucky we all were, sitting there. here.
watchin'. just enjoyin'. just being here. we didn't
have to be.

and how lucky i was to see my friend shining.
doin' something she really was loving.

it was kinda cool to sit in the darkness and watch all
this....and just be grateful to be part of the bigger
play right now.

an interesting drive around the beltway....

i didn't plan it.
the forces aligned right and somehow this
incredible magic happened inside me.

i was driving.
listening to the first cut of the inner child
song my friends did. (as soon as it's available,
i'll holler!)

i didn't plan on any therapy or anything like
that as i drove....but i guess because of the
'moment' i had with bob the day before (see post
below) my inner child was right on the surface
of things....and when i got molested was right
there also.

i'm listening to this song. singing to my inner
child......you're shining, i can see you....
and my whole being gets filled with this feeling.

it wasn't just i was holding her.
or that she was holding me.
it was that we were so connected.

this sounds so weird.
OF COURSE we're connected. we're the same person.

i don't even know how to describe it.
but we were so connected.
and i went right back to where it all happened.
i didn't mean to.
i didn't plan it out.
we were just there all of a sudden.

and i looked at her and i sang.
and my eyes teared, and my heart swelled,
and every part of me was there for that
little girl.

i was there.
she was there.
it was the moment it all happened.

i didn't try to change it.
i didn't squirm at what happened.
i just stared at her and sang and this incredible
connection thing happened.

i was filled with this WHOLE feeling.
it was all okay. it was all okay. we had each other.
the other didn't matter.

let's go.
leave that behind.
it doesn't matter.

and i kept singing.
and i knew that nothing could penetrate this feeling
that i had. nothing could hurt us anymore. we had
each other.
and that was all that mattered.

it was the most awesome cool thing.
and i'm still feelin' it this morning.......

what a moment....

it was a rare moment.
at first i was wishing it so didn't happen.
but it turned out to be the biggest moment i've
had in a long time.

a memory from when i was molested as a little
girl popped into my head. big time.
bam. right there as if i was there.

apparently, i made a face.
bob was with me. he saw the face.
asked what was up.

nothin'. i said.
no. what's up? he asked.
nothin'. i said.
no. what's up? he tried again.

i told him.
he held me. asked me something about it.
i didn't want to answer.
he honored that and went in another direction.
all the time holding me.

i apologized.
told him it just caught me off guard.
give me a minute to put it down, and i'd be fine.

and then.......the most healing thing happened.
he held me and talked to me about it.
and as he held me, i could feel my inner child
curling up with us and being held too.

i could feel it.

i had tried to heal this on my own.
done pretty good. altho it has so many layers.
but still....pretty good.
but i tell ya.......no previous healing felt
like this.

it sorta made sense to me.....
some man years and years and years ago left
a scar. and now, a good...incredibly good man
was holding me. a man i trusted like no other.
and he was talking to me about this and holding
me thru it.

did i need that trusted man and his love to reach
a new level of healing?

i had never even thought of that.
but i think maybe i did.
what happened wasn't just about me.
it was about me and a man.

to feel my inner child curl up with us was a moment
i don't think i'll ever forget.

i closed my eyes. put my arm around her just as he
had his arm around me. i snuggled close to both
of them and concentrated on what i have now.
and put the other down.

i'm sure there are layers from that time when i was
a kid that will pop up here and there my whole life.
but i'm also sure that some kinda healing that was
really deep just took place.

what a moment.
and to think i started out so mad that it happened....

now i'm so grateful i had it.