how do i say goodbye?

i've never met her in person.
just emails and a phone call once....
some real good interactions tho.
and i've grown to really care about her.

and she's dying.

she posted her health status in a note
on facebook.

she laid it out there and just told it
like it is.

i was running thru.
didn't want to just read it fast.
that seemed so wrong.
so i printed it out.

finished up at work, ran up to my room
to finish painting and thought of her the
whole time.

when i was all done and it was totally
quiet, i sat down with what she had written.

i am so grateful to her for putting it out there
and just saying what's going on. it helps to know
how she's feeling and what's happening with her.

it helps.
and it hurts.

i thought about dying.
leaving.
saying goodbye.

we all have to do it.

i'm not ready.
i don't want to.

will i ever be?

what can i do to ease what she's feeling?
how can i help her?
how can i tell her that i'll carry her with
me for as long as i'm here??
how do you say that???

how do you tell someone you've never met that
they've touched your life in a gigantic way?

how do you ever know they really hear you and
understand how deeply you mean it??

how do we learn how to say goodbye?

i don't wan to be a person she has to help
with this.

i want to help her.

she doesn't need to take care of me...us....

she needs me....us...to take care of her.

and i honestly don't know how.

how do i say goodbye?

day break...almost

i wait til it's light to walk.
it's my part in being safety conscious.

but yesterday i had to go a bit early so
i got to see day break.

ohmygosh....there is nothing like day break.

so this morning as i walked thru the living
room i noticed it was happening again.

day break again.

ohhhhhhhh!
i gotta go see it!

i was still in my pajamas.....
i started runnin' all over the house.
i gotta get out there.

changed.
grabbed my shoes and sox and flew out
the door.
was gonna put them on on our front stoop
just so i wouldn't miss it.

as i put them on, i looked at the sky....
ohmygosh.....it was gorgeous.

but yeah, i had missed those moments.
the ones that are squeeze your soul so
tight you can't breathe moments.
magic moments.

but i was out there anyway.

and it was gorgeous anyway.

and my soul was feelin' pretty tickled anyway.

i walked looking at the sky.
feelin' my jeans on my legs.
they were so soft.
they felt so good as i walked.

the sky was really cloudy.
layers and layers of clouds.

i looked over my shoulder to cross
the street and saw a pink spot way up high.
i started walkin' backwards so i could look
at it.
pink spot just kinda shining there.....

when i got to my goodmorningworld spot, the
layers and layers were so close i felt like
they were a ceiling. i gasped out loud when
i saw this pure white cloud up against a dark
gray cloud. ohhhhhh......

and i smiled.

the sky is always perfect.
it's always magic.
it never ceases to delight me.

and the world was mine this morning.
all mine.

lotsa levels

respect and admiration.

those two things are big things.

thinking of those two words this morning,
i looked at the day i had yesterday.

i met two of my best friends for coffee.
when we are together, i always notice it.
the energy between the three of us is no
less than amazing. and as i looked at the
interactions and all the things that make
it good...i see that runnin' thru everything
with us is respect and admiration. it's so
totally there.

i thought of my interactions with my sons
yesterday....
and yep.......guess what runs thru those....
same thing.

and then i thought of hangin' with bob last
nite. sure enough..we've got it goin' too.
...respect and admiration.

those are so totally mixed into all my main
relationships that it's blinding.

and i thought of the ones i struggle with.
oh yeah.
guess what's lacking.
there just isn't the respect and admiration
at all...or very little....
and having relationships with that goin' on
is really really hard for me.

it's so obvious, it's a no brainer.
and yet, i don't think i realize it very often.

so what if you don't have those things?
well, ms. ter......you can't really have the
same kinda relationships, can you?
they all can't be as good as with your best
friends, your sons and your guy.

a no brainer.

so why do you struggle with that all the
time???

you can't respect and admire everyone.
it doesn't work that way.

so see that.
know that.
and accept all the different kinds of
relationships you have on all the different
kinds of levels.

there doesn't have to be just one level.
can't be.

and that's a good thing.
stop fighting it.

it's a good thing.

layers

she was the first layer.
with layers inside layers.
her tears opening each as she went.
infinity inside one.

they were the next layer.
women everywhere.
their pain sending tremors thru the
very fabric of the world.
one inside infinity.

dancing and falling.
rising and crumbling.
digging deeper and farther.
layer after layer.
infinity becomes one.
one becomes infinity.

a new technique

okay, new coping skill.
and i have a feelin' a lot more people in my
life are gonna get smaltzy notes!

i just dealt with a shop owner that made me
want to stamp my foot.
whew.
sometimes workin' with people is just tough.

i got filled with all kindsa negative feelings.

and then stopped.

thought of the shop owners i work with who
totally rock.

just dropped them a group email and told them
how much they mean to me.

cause they do.

i totally adore these guys.

and i wanted to focus on that.

i tell ya, it really helped.
i started thinking of each one i wrote to
and i was smilin' and feelin' all warm and
fuzzy.

think i got a new technique here.

it definitely feels good.

and there's so many people in my life to
appreciate.

what a great way to concentrate on them!

a new ritual!

so along with this halloween costume huge
diamond ring i got, i also got matching
glasses!! did i mention that?!

well, i actually spent money on glasses
for the computer awhile back.
they don't magnify anything, they do
something with the glare so your eyes
don't get so tired.

well, just so happens my new diamond
themed glasses have the same kinda coating
and do for a buck what my twenty buck
glasses do!

i just ran in from havin' coffee with
friends. i wore my new 3 inch plastic
diamond ring to impress them.

they weren't as impressed and delighted
as i felt they could have been.

but i love them a lot, so i overlooked
that.

i ran back down here to get to work.
popped on my diamond glasses and still
had the ring on.

was typing away like a maniac when it
hit me.....

hey......this is really perfect.
symbolic.
good energy.

i need to wear these when i work!
a ritual to bring in riches!!!

if the UPS man sneaks up on me (which
he's been known to do) i'm toast.

who knows tho, maybe he'll get inspired.

the diamond bobs up and down as i type.
it's distracting in such a fun sorta way.

i think i'm on to something here.

i have no doubt the riches will be pouring
in any day now........

laughin, appreicating, and learning something

my cell phone's got a little glitch to it.

i try to use headphones with it mostly.
and sometimes if you take the headphones out
something sticks in the little headphone
hook up spot and it doesn't click back
to normal and you can't hear anyone unless
you slip the headphones back on.

not every time.
just once in awhile.

i had called and left a message to call me
back. sure enough, he called me back.

i picked up the cell.
(no headphones on it)

hey, bob!
nothing.

bob??
bob??

and well, he's been known to have his mute
button on before so i thought maybe that was it.

i waited a moment for HIM to figure it out.
grin.
um. no.
must be me.

tried a few more times.

hung up and tried recalling.
but it looked like he was still on the phone.

bob???

hmmmm....
pushed a few more buttons as that's what i do
when things don't work.

bob??
bob??
helloooooo bob???

ohh! i wonder if the headphones would work!

popped them in.

bob?
and i hear him.
he's right there.
'are you having technical problems???'
i burst out laughing.
'i can't believe you're still there!!!

just as calm as calm can be he said
'i knew you'd figure it out.'

and then we talked.

i've been laughing ever since.
and appreciating him a ton over that one.

i woulda just hung up and figured i'd get called
when the person figured it out. i wouldn't have
waited.

to have him just patiently wait....
and be entertained in a fun loving way...
in a way that let me laugh at myself too.......

well.....no wonder i love that man.

i learned something too.
i wanna do that for someone.
well....prolly not that....as i tend to be one
of the few who can't use a cell.

but you know what i mean......

i liked him.....

an early quick walk today....
so i got to be out there when it was just
gettin' light....
what a gorgeous time of day!!

walked a different route today.
started up on a busy road.
i consider everyone i walk by a
neighbor. if i can walk by you,
you live close enough.

this guy really is a close neighbor
tho. but i don't know him because his
house is in a weird spot. i just wave
here and there.

he's what i'd call 'eccentric.'
not in any kinda harmful way....but
in some ways that his immediate neighbors
find hard to deal with.

and i've heard complaints from his immediate
neighbors.

he's a junk collector.
and well......i mean......an honest to goodness,
you don't collect more than this guy,
you can see the junk heaps from google earth
shots it's so bad the county's been called
kinda junk collector.

if i'm not mistaken, there's some kinda
psychological disorder that covers the collecting
of junk to this degree.
seriously.
i think that's interesting.

so i've heard bad things about him and i know
who he is because of that. i've only been in
positions to wave before and that's what i've
done.

but this morning as i was nearing his house,
i saw him walk outside.

i thought 'ya know, he's prolly really got some
kinda collecting problem and he's not a bad
guy. he prolly could use a little kindness.'

he was putting his trash out.
the way it worked, he wouldn't have even
noticed me and i coulda just kept walkin'.
but i got this kindness bug in my ear, so
i shout on out 'good morning!'

and my goodness.....wouldn't you know....
i got THE friendliest repsonse i've ever
gotten from anyone in the entire neighborhood.
it was knock you down friendly.

of course, i replied with the same.
i kept goin tho as it's a busy road and
i didn't want to stay on it.

but i tell ya, as i walked away i had the
biggest smile on my face.

and i got to thinking about how much what
other people say colors things and that's
so not good.

i've always kinda looked at him with a
skeptical eye.

sure, he's got some major junk issues.
but he sure was nice.

how many times have i taken what other
people say and start from there on my
opinion of another person.

and yeah, sometimes i honestly think that's
okay. sometimes you need some of that
feedback to start.

but not often.
not as often as i do it, that's for sure.

i think i got one heck of a cool lesson
this morning.

i liked him.

and if i listened to other people i wouldn't
have.

and that was my gift on my walk today......

ick and all...

so i got this little icky note.
not all notes i get are nice.
some are icky.
i think email allows ick to come out
more.

i react to ick.

luckily tho, there's too much happening
around here today to dwell on ick.

but i did think about it a bit.

as i got up to head out to the mailbox i
wondered can i feel just as lucky, just as
blessed after an icky note as a good note?

hmmmmm.....

do i still feel like the luckiest person
on the planet? i asked myself as i bopped
outside.

the breeze is incredible today.
it blew across my face....
i looked up at the sky that's screaming
beauty to me.....

and i smiled.

yeah.
i can still feel like the luckiest person
on the planet.
ick and all.
how cool is that?

back to the good stuff......

trust the process

he came to me with a situation.
i knew i was too close to be clear.
so we called in back up.
our back up is so logical and helpful.
and i'm so grateful for it.

he still doesn't have an answer.
but he's got some guidelines.
and he's thinking it all over.

i stressed a bit on my walk this morning
wanting to give him a great answer and
tell him what's right.

even if i had the answer, i'm not sure how
helpful that is. you can't feed people your
answers for their stuff.

that's not an issue tho since i don't know what
to tell him.

i told me, tho, to accept whatever he does.
and allow him to make this decision for himself
without my interfering.

and it occurs to me that whatever he does ultimately
doesn't matter.

what matters is the thought that is going into this.
and the very real attempt to be an honest person
doing their best. and that's what he's doin'.

it's the process that counts.
that's what gets us growth.

even the stepping back on my part is the process.
and that's what's gonna get me growth.

trust the process.
i've told myself that a million zillion times.

i think it's a good thing to do.

gettin' technical

there's some tough decision making goin'
on all around me.
thankfully, they aren't my decisions and
i'm just watching.

but the watching makes me think.

he said to me just yesterday 'if there was just
a rule of thumb, i'd be okay.'

no kidding.
me too.

so i'm watchin' people i care about tryin'
really hard to do the right thing in different
situations.

but there's no easy answer to what's right.

and in the situations i see, there's no counting
on the other person to help make things easier.
the other people are part of the problem.
their responses make things really tough.

i turn to the goal thing in my head again.

this much i know.
you can't count on someone else when making
your decisions. decisions are up to you.

you can't make decisions based on what you think
the other person will feel or do.

that can't be your reasons.

so what are your reasons?

i'm thinking there's two (at least) levels
of goals.

one's your goal in that situation.
the micro goal.

and another is your life goal. what you want
out of life and who you are.
the macro goal.

grin.
i'm gettin' technical.

i'm thinking you need both.

as i'm watchin', i'm seein' the goal in the
situation is limited.
it's necessary.
you need it.
but it's limited at times and at times you
gotta go to the bigger picture of what do
you want out of life and how does this get
you there? you need to see how the goals mix
and work with that.

goals aren't real easy to come up with.
but i think you gotta have 'em.

then you gotta learn how to work with them
clearly...which isn't so easy either.

so....say i have a life goal of opening my heart.
gorgeous.
wonderful.
but what does that mean you do in certain situations?
do you open to everyone?
um.
no.

so you gotta kinda see what exactly that means.
if you don't know exactly what that means it doesn't
do you a whole lotta good.

i think for me, sometimes i forget that i'm as big
a part of the equation as everyone else.

so if the goal is to open my heart and i don't
think it's wise to open my heart to a certain person,
then maybe the opening has to be to myself for making
that decision. i have to remember that i'm mixed in
this whole thing too. that the opening can be aimed
at myself.

i forget i'm part of the equation.
but if i can remember that, maybe that would help
me be more clear.

i don't know.

i'm thinking about my buds and their problems.
and i'm thinking that maybe they've forgotten that
part too.

not sure, but think it's possible.

maybe that's what they need to help see better.

maybe i'll remind them.
what are your micro and macro goals
and have you remembered to include yourself
in the equation?

they'll prolly just roll their eyes.
but what the heck....it's got me thinking anyway.

the art of it all....

the past few years it keeps dawning on me how
EVERYTHING is an art.

i learned this at my first drag race when i
realized all that was an art.

up til then i thought it was just a lot of
silly men wanting to go vroooom.

while i know that's still a part of it all,
i also know those silly men are brilliant with
what they do and there's an art to it all.
they stun me with their love of the art and
their knowledge.

my eyes have been opening ever since to art
being everywhere.

this morning i'm sitting here thinking about
the art of relationships.

because while a lot of relationship stuff is
natural....a lot of it is learning and applying
that...and workin' with it in different ways.

it's an art for sure.

it's an interesting art as it ties directly into
the art of life. they go hand in hand.

one totally affects the other.
the way you paint in one area, is the way you
paint in the other.

we talked a bit yesterday.
and i'm a little concerned for him.
'i just want it all to be okay' i said to him.

true to the person i love so much, his reply was
'it's not gonna be okay.'

that's just one reason i love him.
he'll admit that.

'yeah, i know.' i said back.

and so where do i paint the big brush strokes
in our relationship? where do i try to say
things that are bold and in his face? and where
do i just sketch light little lines and use
them to make some sorta vague shapes?

where do i step back and leave that place blank
to fill up itself with the flowing watercolors
that i can't control?

which moods do i allow to color the canvas?
the love and joy? or the frustration and concern?

how do you balance all the moods and leave room
for others to come in?

yesterday i saw the art of it all.

i think for me, it took losing an 18 year marriage
to really understand that there definitely was an
art to it all. and to see that i really had a lot
to learn.

i want to paint the canvas beautiful this time around.
and i'm seein' that it's more than holdin' a brush.
that it takes so much more than just bein' there.

i've got a lot to learn.
and i think how you live has a lot to do with how
you love.

i love how they play...

i love the relationship between bob and josh.
there is an incredible amount of banter between
them. really good fun teasing, some incredibly
insightful talks when the time is right, times
when each seeks the other for help or thoughts,
and a sense that the other will be there for them.
all rolled into this incredible playfulness between
them.

one of their games is to see if they can get the
other in trouble with me.

josh figured out last week that if he could convince
me that i needed diamonds from bob, then he will have
gotten bob big time.

he naturally announced this to both of us as we
were walking by a jewelry store.

i took the bait in a heart beat.
(now, no, i don't want a diamond from bob...i don't
want a diamond from anybody. if i wanted some cool
jewelry, it'd be of a different kind....but what the
heck i can play too!)

so i started in on the diamonds.
ohhhhhhhhhhhh i need one!
and i started teasin' him about all the diamonds he
musta given his ex-wife.

and the games had begun.

last nite, bob burst josh's joyful diamond bubble.

he wrapped up this incredibly funky kids ring...
altho it fit me....so maybe it was like a goofy
halloween costume thing....it's a big huge plastic
diamond ring.

complete in a funky little case and everything.

and the thing is....i love goofy stuff like this.
i will actually wear this around.

i opened it up, exclaimed 'it's a diamond ring!!'
and immediately slipped it on!

put it on my right hand telling him i didn't want
to be pushy and grinned at him.

and josh hit the table with his fist.

i laughed.
waved it in front of everyone and wore it all nite.

and with that goofy three dollar ring (yeah, prolly
was more than a buck..) josh admitted defeat.

i laughed.

i love how they play.

enjoyin' each other.....

we packed a ton in on a wonderful day.

and it was awesome!

even the traffic and parking went smooth
and zakk drove and i didn't go nuts.

there was the cab driver that gave us
his parking meter spot as we were diggin'
for quarters (he had lots more time than
our spot)

there were the guys workin' in the manhole
where we (okay *i*') got to peek in and
watch.

there was the breeze thru the museum so
fast that all we got to see was the building
but it was still filled with fun and laughing.
and lots of pictures.

there was joking and horse playing and laughing.

there was trying to pick a favorite painting
in the east wing (art gallery) and being totally
moved by one exhibit. still kinda carryin' it with
me.

there was lunch outside at a restaurant that
had more than one vegetaran choice!

there was wandering and stopping for a coffee
break and people watchin, guessing what each
person was like...

there was laughter, there was talking.
there was home and games and watchin' 'the
west wing'....

there was dinner with bob and presents and
ohhhing and ahhhing.

there was much banter around the table.

there was dessert and finishing up and more
west wing.

there was the goodnite where yo said he had
the best day ever and both brothers nodded
and said how good it was.

we had celebrated all the way into the next
day.....and we all went to bed smilin.

that's another good thing about birthdays...
they remind you to stop and enjoy each other.

and we so did.

thanking annie

i knew something was goin' on this
morning as i had a buncha newsletter sign ups
in my email box....

sure enough, a friend wrote and pointed out that
annie from soul flares had mentioned me in her
newsletter.

shoot....she didn't just mention me....
she totally honored me.

annie's got a list of followers i would die for.
she's been a hero of mine, and she lives in
vermont!!!

she's got her own thing goin' called soul flares
and if you don't know about it, you want to.

click here for annie

thanking annie, and all you guys who are so kind
and generous to me......

anyone got any cash???

there's this really cool thing that
happens in our family that i don't
understand but i love...

everyone passes money around to each
other.

yeah.
go figure.

it's the oddest, coolest thing.

i don't think the guys know how odd
this is as they haven't experienced any
other way....

which is kinda cool all in itself.

if someone's zippin' out somewhere
and they forgot they need cash, they'll
run thru the house yellin'
'anyone got any money?'

people will grab their wallets and hand
over whatever they have.

'all i got is a ten.'
'i'll give you a twenty for your ten.'

odd comments like that ring out.

josh called recently in a panic.
he needed some money transferred into
his account from my account.

not a problem.
done.

he started explaining it all.
'josh, it doesn't matter.
i just transferred it.'

just as he transferred for me when
i called him in a panic one day.

no questions asked.
no 'when you payin' me back?'
money just flows back and forth and
all over the place.

when we have some sort of reckoning day,
there's a lotta 'don't i owe you for this?'
'wait a minute, i need to pay you for that....'
kinda stuff.

and it's really funny to try to get it all
straight. and no one really cares. it all
works out in the wash is the attitude.

for me, it is one of the most amazing things
about the team we've created.

they say money's really symbolic and powerful.
i think one of the places i see that the most
is here.....

it's not just generosity...it's trust and caring.
that's the big thing.
no one thinks the other is gonna 'take' them.
no one thinks they have to watch out for themselves
first.

it's a team.
and it operates like one.

as i'm grabbin' my wallet to head out for the day,
i shake my head....

i am wicked lucky.

one glorious day!

if i'm rubbin' my hands together
and sayin' 'goodie goodie gumdrops'
i have a pretty clear indication that
my inner child is out!

and she's out big time today!
i get to take the whole day off and play!

me and the guys are headin' downtown to
wander and celebrate yo's birthday!

we have no plans, no time limits, no
schedule. we wander where we want how we
want when we want.

the only goal i have is to laugh a lot.

this is gonna be one glorious day!

used tea bags

just sittin' here with a buncha numbers
and a cuppa tea.

i looked at my little fortune thing on the
tea bag....and went ohhhhhh.....

'greatness is not what you have,
it's what you give.'

ohhhhh.
gonna give that to yo today.
a used tea bag.
for his birthday.
grin.

cause i think it kinda rocks.

okay, okay.
i'll just give him the fortune part.

grin.

me and my baby....

i just looked in...
cause i'm a smaltz ball.
he's sleepin' in a little late today
cause it's his birthday.

twenty first birthday.
wow.
that's a little wild for the both of us.

my thoughts keep goin' back to his birth...
and all thru growin' up.
i'm a regular reminiscing machine today.

his birth was the easiest. still long,
but way easier compared to the other two.
had him with midwives at a birthing center.
his dad was an awesome awesome coach.
i can still remember leaning into his dad's
soft green shirt and him holding me up and
whisperin' i was doin' good.

i whispered a happy birthday to his dad this
morning. it was a special special time.

first thing yo yo did was pee on the midwife.
we all laughed. a healthy baby with a big ol'
dent in his forehead from leaning against my
hip bone or something....

what a joy.
what an incredible experience.

i had read a book called the 'continuum concept'
during his pregnancy...
the author held the theory that babies should have
continuous contact with their mother.

i was on board with the theory and willing to try.

it meant as a newborn he was gonna sleep right on
top of me.

yeah.
no kidding.

i was a side sleeper. didn't sleep on my back.
didn't know if i'd be able to sleep with a baby
plunked on my chest.

and then in a little bit, when he had grown too long,
i didn't know how i'd sleep without him there.

constant adjustments.
that's parenting...
that's growth...
that's relationships...
that's life.

i keep thinking of that this morning.
i didn't know how i'd ever handle another child.
could i love him as much as the first?
funny the things you learn about love as a parent.
that's when i first learned....and was first stunned
by the ability of love....i could love just as much
all over again.

i didn't know if i could handle having him.
just like i didn't know if i could handle a newborn
sleeping on top of me.
you gotta be kiddin' me.

and now i wonder how i'll hold up when he moves on.

all that bonding.
all that continuum stuff....
and now i'm helping him prepare his way outta here.

you gotta be kiddin' me.

i'm taking him for a walk in just a bit.
draggin' him out with me.
actually, he's so sweet, i know he'll come willingly.
and i want to talk about his life ahead of him.

cause it's inspiring and exciting and awesome and
wonderful......and it's his.

what a gift i've had for 21 years.
i think i might have a couple more years before he moves on...
and i'm gonna enjoy every darn second of them.

and now...i think i gotta go grab him for a walk...

the little things...

i reached to put my earrings away,
and i smiled.

he came over special last nite.
i was happy all day looking forward
to it.

i put on my 'he's coming over special'
earrings on.

he generally knows by now that i do this.
gotta put my 'going to the drag race'
earrings on. oh, i gotta find my 'going
out to lunch earrings.' 'oh wait, i need
my profound earrings on.'

he knows this.
but has trouble keeping up.

last nite i smiled at him and said
'did you see my earrings? i put them on
special.'

he looked.

'ya see?' i asked.
'they're my 'bob's comin' over special' earrings.
the hunter brown ones for my hunter
and the ones with all the hearts cause
i love you so much.'

he laughed.
'i know you make that up, but you always
make it sound like it's true.'

'it IS true!' i smiled.

putting them away today, i thought of that.
smiling, i thought 'it's the little things.'

and then i thought....
if you've got the little things..
then you've got the big tings.
cause the little things make the big things
okay.

the little things had been disappearing a bit.
but they've come back. and they feel so good.

i hung the earrings up.

i wanna keep those little things good.
real good.

and i want to keep them alive. and around.
and part of our relationship.

i know there's a whole different set of
little things. there's a whole different flavor.
bad little things. not the good little things.

the little things that end up eatin' a relationship
alive....the ones that kill marriages and friendships.

funny.
how there's two direct opposites of little things.

one i want to fill our lives with.
the other i'm trying to keep out as much as possible.

the little things.
they're way important.
both kinds.

perks and gold and mattresses

there really is one heck of a gorgeous side of
not having a ton of money.
yeah, i actually said that.

yo's birthday is tomorrow....
and we're starting the celebrating today!
and yeah, i bought way more than i usually do
because he does so much work for me that he
doesn't get paid for. i want to repay him somehow.
so i'm tryin' to treat him right on his 21st
birthday.

the first thing i got him is an extra long mattress.
cause the guy is an extra long guy.

a mattress?? you ask???
that doesn't sound too exciting....

ahhh! but that's the glory side of the tight budget
stuff.

i have wanted to get him one for years. but he's
always said what he had was fine. and yeah, he's always
looking out for the budget. he tells me no, don't get it.

i decided to just get it without asking him.

so i'm like a little kid over here waiting for the
mattress to get delivered.
the delivery guys are wonderin' what my problem is
as i'm dancin' around all excited over this thing.

we pull yo out, eyes closed to the driveway....

make a big deal out of it. have him stand in front of
it to see if he fits before he even opens his eyes and
knows what it is.

zakk makes him carry it in all by himself.
'he can do it, he's strong' zakk grins.

we set it up in the living room first.
right smack in the middle of everything.
we gotta try it out~!

we all take turns laying on it.
another package is brought out.
all wrapped up.

the sheets!!!!
ohhhhhh......
and we ohhh and ahhh over the sheets.

then it's time to put it where it goes.

we set it up.
pull out the brand new sheets and we act like
it's the biggest thing that ever happened.
we ooohhh and ahhh and we all try it out
all over again.
we stand around it and admire it.

we carry on like we just got gold.

and THAT'S the beauty side of not always having
a ton of money. cause when you get something
you've really needed and put off....it's like
a piece of heaven.

it was so fun.
and yo's so grateful.
he's really tickled.

over something i should have gotten him years
ago for no other reason besides he needed it -
instead of waiting for his birthday and making
it a big present.

but he's okay with that.
he gets it.
and he appreciates it.

THAT is part of the gold.

i just bought my son a mattress he needed for
years....and i'm dancin' around like a queen
and gigglin' and smilin'......

i don't think we'd have this feeling if it all
came easy.

one day i really do want it all to come easy.

but while it's not, i'm gonna enjoy the perks of
that side of life.

and there are perks to this side of life.

please, god, don't let me ever forget that......

what's your goal?

i was making dinner. he was keeping me company.
i asked him about a situation in my life i was
feelin' conflicted over. i heard myself whine
and say i didn't know what to do.

he sat there, looked at me and asked 'what's
your goal?'

now.
that's my line.
i taught it to him.
actually, it's my dad's line.
i stole it from my dad.

and i use it all the time.
constantly.
it's a great question.
when you can't figure out what you're
doin', figure out what your goal is then
you can figure out how to best get to that goal.
it works wonders.
try it, you'll like it.

he and i have been usin' it together for years.
whenever it's tough with any issue in our lives,
that's the question.

this time, however, i ignored him.
i said some wishy washy stuff and asked him
what he thought.

'what's your goal?' he asked again.

again, i ignored him and gave paragraphs
about nothing and asked for his input.

on his third try with this question,
i turned from the counter, stared at him
and said 'are you tryin' to be helpful?'

and i started laughing.

who taught him that darn question anyway?

'are you sayin' i don't have a goal?'
i asked.

nah.
i didn't have a goal.
he didn't need to say it.
i said it.

i had some whiney thought of 'i just want it
to all be okay.'

well.
good luck with that, ter.

we got interrupted and never got back to it.

but my dreams did.

i had an incredible dream that laid it all out
there for me.

i didn't like the dream.
but it was clear.
and i knew it.

i couldn't make it okay.

so i guess the goal is gettin' okay with it not
bein' okay.

shoot...it seems like that's a goal i get a lot.

my mom had a sentence she used a lot:
'life is messy.'

yeah.
i guess it is.
i gotta get okay with that.

the start

so she called just before i finished
that last blog.
(see post below)

and we talked.

and we walked thru the very beginnings.

josh had said something to me last nite
that i found really amazing.

he had called and heard the edge in my voice.
i told him the news i had just gotten.
about my friend and the cancer.

he tuned right in.
and said he and i need to take a walk.
'maybe we can take a walk by the river and
talk about all this.' he offered.

i love him so much.
and he said that he noticed that i say that
i hate cancer.
and he noticed it because i never say i hate
anything.

and he always says he hates stuff and yet he
never says he hates cancer.

'you might think that's cause i'm young and i
haven't lost people to cancer, but that's not
true, i have.'

and he has.

he told me that we needed to talk about my
feelings.

i've been thinking about that ever since.

it's not cancer i hate.
it's what it does.
it's the total lack of control.
the total not knowing.
the disruption.
the loss.

all that stuff.

that all popped into my head after i hung up
with my friend just now.

we talked of all she could get out of this journey
ahead of her.
she worried about her kids.....
and i pointed out how they'd step up and they'd
gain from stepping up. they're older, they'll step
up and grow big time.

we talked of the bad.....and the good.
we talked of the hard....and the learning.
we talked of the fear....and the trust.

maybe that stuff i hate....
that darkness.....
maybe that's the place where we find the gold.

and while i don't wish it on anyone,
and i so wish i could take it away from everyone....

maybe we have to keep our eyes open to the gold.
it's there.
and i'm gonna be right next to my friend as she
finds it.

i'm gonna help her remember she can find it.
and i'm gonna celebrate with her as she does find
it.

the love

got a two line email last nite from
a friend.
she has cancer.
that's all i know.
she's gotta go to the doc and figure out
what's up.

obviously, she's on my mind.

but i didn't want to put it out here because
i didn't want to give it any more power.
i want to wait and get the good news that
it can be all taken care of. that's what i'm
holdin' out for.

yet, not writing about her felt wrong.
i care too much.

so what do i do?

and i thought of what had happened because
she was on my mind.

i went to facebook and posted a one liner about
holding a friend in my heart.
if she had trouble sleeping and was browsing
around, i wanted her to see it. i knew she'd know
it was her.

i wanted her to know i went to sleep thinking of
her.

this morning, i came down to a bunch of comments
from friends reaching out to me. holding my hand,
sending hugs, 'coverin' my back', thinking of me.

i was stunned.

i had put the note on there for her.
and i got so much support for me.
which somehow ties in to her, because we all
tie together.

on my walk, i thought about how i didn't want to
dwell on the cancer in my blog.

well, what did i want to dwell on???

and i thought of the facebook thing...
the love that just stunned me this morning.
the connections between so many people.

that's what i want to dwell on.
the love.

and i thought about my life.
someone once said to me that i had created a life
of love.

i was surprised when i heard it.
i hadn't ever thought of that.
and yeah, i am surrounded by love.
and it took that comment for me to really look and
see.

we all are.
and the more we focus on it, the more it comes around.

the more we see it, the more we can feel it.
and that's what i wanted to focus on for her this
morning.

the love.

the weather

i met my UPS man in the driveway and i was
ohhing and ahhing about the morning.
it is SO gorgeous out there.

he graciously agreed and we talked weather
stuff for a bit. we said goodbye and
turned to go our separate ways
when i turned back around and said
'gosh, eric! would you just look at it!
can you believe how gorgeous it is?!'

he looked at me like i musta crawled outta
a cave or something and said 'we were out
yesterday and it was just as pretty.'

i laughed.
said yeah, i knew.
i had been goin' on about it for a few
days now!

we walked away laughing.......
i wonder what's wrong with me.
i can't get over how pretty it is!!!

a little piece of heaven

how the heck can it be that it takes me
til my 48th year to realize how incredibly
gorgeous september is?!!!

i was walkin thinkin 'i love september!
september is my new favorite month!'

then i laughed.....
i don't have a favorite month as most
of them are my favorites when i'm in them.

but my gosh, i don't think i ever saw the
beauty like i have this year.

and i got to thinking...i think i see pain
in a deeper way as i grow older. and ya know,
i think i see beauty in a deeper way.

if it keeps progressing as i grow, wow,
the beauty will be knockin' my socks off.
and no, i'm not even gonna think about what
the pain will be doin'....

'it's a little slice of heaven out here,'
i thought.

my own little slice of heaven.

i get to start the day with dessert first!
cause i honestly do think my walks are my most
delicious part of the day.

i made a conscious effort to breathe it in.
to hold it in my cells and then breathe out
some of the beauty.

i'm gonna be breathing it out all day.
i filled up good when i walked!!

a little piece of heaven right inside me.
all around me.

how cool is that?!

over and over again

i could fill the sadness coming in.
i wanted to hold it off a bit.
i had a lot to do today....
and i wasn't sure how much i wanted
to deal with.

but let me take a quick look at it....

and i felt so sad for her.
she seemed so unhappy.

if she's so unhappy, maybe all she needs
to do is find real.

live real.

it would change everything.
she could be so happy it'd be incredible.

ter, you're tryin' to fix it, i told myself.

she's not gonna find real.
this isn't your deal.
you need to just let it all be.

yeah....but if she could.....

and then i thought of a moment.....
where she looked happy.
and i thought of why she looked happy.....
and i knew she wasn't gonna find real.

and i sighed.

guess what i need to do is work on myself.
and accepting where people are at.

over and over again.

he can

i called him as i was driving.
'how'd you do?' he asked.

'i got an A+ in being who i wanted to be,
i protected my inner child, and i'm not
leaving with a lot of baggage.' i answered.

after i hung up, i smiled.

he's come a long way.
these answers don't phase him at all anymore
and he totally understands what i mean.

not just anyone could date me.
i'm so glad he can.

a fun moment

it was a spontaneous run for coffee thing.
okay, i'll meet you there.

it's a straight shot from my house
to the coffee place in the next town.
it's 7 miles away. straight down a highway.
about as basic as you get, i've traveled it
about 8 gazillion times.

he called as i was driving. he was just pullin'
up to the place. 'where you at?' he asked.

'ohhhh well....i'm not sure.' i answered.
but there's an incredibly beautiful hill here with
'those yellow flowers all over it. ohmygosh
it is so gorgeous you could crash just looking
at it!'

he barely lets me finish before i hear him
raisin' his voice.

'TERRI! you've lived here 20 years....i ask
you where you're at and that's the best you
can do?!!' and he just starts to laugh....

um.yeah.
but you should see this hill......

it was sposed to just be lunch....

bob and i met up with josh for lunch.
my treat, i declared because in my head,
in my own way, i wanted to celebrate something
special to me. i didn't need to make lunch
about it...i just wanted to hold it in my heart
while i ate.

when bob and i returned home, he turned
to me and asked what was up.
'one terri walked into that restaurant
and another terri walked out.'
what happened? he wanted to know.

how do i explain this, i thought???

it had been a week chock full of things
that were so big i didn't know how to
hold them....

things that were so big,i had no other
word for them but 'evil.'

i gingerly tried to walk around them a bit
and not really hold them. tried to peek
at them a tiny bit, but not really look
at them.

even the ginger peeks were making me
unsteady and hitting too deep.

all of the things involved women getting
hurt or killed...people trying to survive
horrendous situations....and some not making it.

josh sat down at lunch and immediately started
to tell us of a song he was writing.
'did you guys see in the news about the lady
who shot her husband?' he said.
launching into the story with the vigor of
a 23 year old totally detached from the issues,
he dug right into the details.

i was there in my mind. i could see the whole
thing. my head dropped as he told the story,
and i weakly shook my head. i tried to comment
and heard my voice. soft, beaten, not able to
respond.

josh caught the story got to me, changed the
subject and moved on. bob and josh talked,
i ate lost in the world of evil and pain we
inflict on each other.

i tried to snap out of it.
to think of something to say.
to chat.
i tried.
asked about his day.
commented on the really good salad.

but i wasn't there anymore.
both guys knew it, and neither knew why.
josh had pushed me over the edge i had been
tryin' not to step over all week.

when i explained all this to bob later, the
tears came.

i was there to celebrate how lucky i was to
be able to donate to that place, i said to him.

the place is where women get a fresh start after
leaving prison....

i was there to celebrate being able to help with
that, i told him.

but instead, i got reminded of the very real
pain and agony and fear that women walk around with.
josh had brought the very realness of it all to life.

yeah, people.
not just women.
this week tho, it was women inside my mind.
including the women at this place.

'they're survivors' the director had told me.
'they've been thru so much trauma and pain and loss
it's staggering.'

my week had been full of staggering stories.

he looked at me.
held me while i told him.
brushed a tear off my check and so gently
asked me 'how do you survive here, terri? how
do you make it?'

'not so good sometimes.' i said.

not so good.

i'll be back tho.
the terri who walked into that restaurant
will be back. give me a moment.

can you do that? he asked.

i went to the bathroom.
washed up.
told myself i was with him now. here.
it was our chance to play and laugh.
we'd been having a lotta fun.

i closed my eyes.
held the pain a bit and set it down.
gonna have to hold you some more, i said.
but for now.....i gotta go love someone who
is here with me now.

i went out and goofed and laughed and played
and loved with him. because i could.
because he gave me space to. he let me see
what was inside me. he gave me room to figure
out what i wanted to do with it.

i want to honor their pain.
i so do.
and i don't know how.

but i do know that loving him, laughing with
him....enjoying our incredible day together was
right.

i fell right back into it....all the while,
quietly holding women everywhere in my heart.

ya just gotta do it.

i've got a story in me this morning.
once again, i hope i can make it make sense....

sometimes i think that there are people who
think that the world loves what i do and i'm
accepted wherever i go.

i laugh when i get glimpses of that thinking
and shake my head. oh no. it's just that i
tell the good stories, and leave the yucky ones
behind.

i will bring up the story of the snooty woman
who LITERALLY looked down her nose at me and
told me that my stuff sucked. now, she was
snooty so she didn't say 'sucked' she substituted
things like 'you've got quite a long way to go.'
and 'this just won't do.
you know......sucks.

i honestly stood there at the other side of her
nose...under her nose....with her looking down
on me....

she's one in a line of lots of stories.

not everyone likes a bone sigh.

that's okay tho.
cause what fun would that be???

someone who does like bone sighs came thru this
past year and told me about a psych ward that could
use some art.

i had a friend who stayed at a psych ward for a bit.
i would go and visit her. multiple bone sighs were
born outta those visits. some of the hardest visits
i've ever done in my life. because of that connection,
i immediately hopped on board and donated hundreds
of dollars of bone sighs to this place.

i had been in touch with someone there about it all
to coordinate it. i shipped off a big box of prints
and books......and never got a thank you.

it wasn't anyone else's money funding the donation.
it was mine. it wasn't a booming time for us, it
was in the thick of my financial worries.

and i never even got a thank you.

but you see.....i didn't do it for the thank you.
so i just kept goin'. maybe the thank you got lost,
i said. shrugged, and didn't worry about it.

i put these stories out because life isn't a smooth
sail for bone sigh arts. it's as bumpy as every
other ride there is. there are no smooth sails.
no mater how smooth they look on the outside.
i believe that. no one gets an easy ride.

there are times for everyone where the universe
isn't gonna give you those affirmations you're
looking for. they absolutely have to come from
your depths. sometimes, that's where they have
to be if you're gonna keep goin.

yesterday, i talked to a woman who we'll be
donating art and books to. she's the director
of a place that helps women who have been
incarcerated start new lives.

her gratitude of what we're going to do is
overwhelming to me. every part of me filled
with gratitude that i could be part of this
and that my work was actually wanted.

i felt so honored.

i thought of putting the story out here to
encourage everyone who reads this to offer
what's inside of them. to offer themselves
to the world. and then i thought how people
would nod and think 'oh yeah, well it comes
easy for her.' that's why i started with the
other stories first.

no.
no.
no.

i still can't believe that someone cares
enough that they'd say something like 'it's
a dream come true.'

huh???
you're kidding, right?

i still can't believe she's not going to look
down her nose and say 'uh, these suck. no thank
you.'

or maybe she'll never even respond after i send
her hundreds of dollars of stuff.....

ya see......the point is......it doesn't matter.
it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter.

what matters is that we have to keep offering
what's inside of us. we have to.

because what's inside each and every one of us
is the stuff that will change the world.

and sometimes the universe isn't gonna tell ya
that. sometimes you just gotta know it.

ya just gotta do it.

my balancing earrings

final one....
i gotta go get some breakfast!

but these posts keep making me think.

in the post below i mentioned the belief
of 'there's always something you can do.'

bingo!
that's it!
that's what i was talking about in the first
post i did here (which would be two down
and would totally confuse everyone else but me!)

that's another way of saying 'love always wins.'!!
that's what i was saying....

hang on.
let me try to make sense.

i have a belief i need to let go of.
i think i let go of it.
and it creeps in in different ways.
it comes in in different forms so i haven't
let go of the belief at all.
i just think i have!

it just happened.
just as i was sitting here typing.

these darn things creep in and run our hearts
and our minds and we don't even know what all
we're doin'.

it's fascinating stuff.

and the balancing act we have to do when we
start looking at these things.....
the balancing act is almost impossible in
my eyes right now.

how do you balance letting go of believing
in good winning and not lean towards bad winning??

how do you balance that good can win.
and yet doesn't have to win?

sometimes balancing just is real hard for me.

yet....i think that means it's some pretty
big growth waiting to happen.

this morning i put on my balancing earrings.

no kidding.

i have these earrings that are tears.
in the tears are hearts.

i wear these earrings every time i have to face
something i don't know how to face.

they remind me to balance.
to TRY to balance.

i've got some serious thinking to do today.
thought the earrings might help me out.

what the heck.
i could use all the help i can get!

another belief

interesting timing.
beliefs was the topic of the conversation i just
had on the phone as i was in the middle of typing the
belief blog below.

the conversation wasn't about what i was typing.
i didn't even bring that up.

it was about someone's beliefs that were
totally fabricated.

oh, i've seen this before.
actually, i've seen it too many times at
too close a range.

when it all gets really dysfunctional and
realities are created to suit needs in an
extreme kinda way.

i've seen it enough that i have to believe
it's not as uncommon as i had originally thought.

there's got to be some books on this....
and i gotta go search.

what do you do when you're trapped in a
situation with someone making their own
reality???

and i'm thinking this must happen constantly
at a very low level. do we ever really see
what each other sees?

that's all low level.

i'm talkin' extremes here.

thankfully, and most gratefully, this is not
myself i am talking about!

i am an outside observer.

and i'm watchin'.
and i'm wonderin'.
and i'm thinking that there's not a whole
lot you can do.

draw boundaries.
work on keeping your sanity.
and learn to detach.

man, that sucks.

and makes me realize there's another belief
that floats around deep inside me....
one that says 'there's always something you can
do.'

ya know.....
i don't think so.

i think that's another one i gotta let go of.

what a weird balancing act it all is.........

beliefs

it's about my beliefs.
some turmoil i've been having.

a few years ago i lost the belief that
good always wins. i've mentioned that
before, so will leave out all the paragraphs
that go with that thought.

thing is.....beliefs apparently come in many
different forms.

and that belief was apparently hanging on in
a way i didn't notice til recently.

in that great mid life book i read, she talks
about mid life being a time where you need to
look at your beliefs and put down the ones that
don't work for you any more. and grab the ones
that do.

that helped.
and i realized that i didn't hold too many
beliefs that i felt i could lay out in a list.

one of the few tho is that love is an incredible
power that is misunderstood in so many ways.
and that it's power is beyond comprehension.

this morning as i walked i realized that
i had to include the flip side of that into
my beliefs....

fill in the above with 'lack of love' and you
have what i've been dealing with all week.

'lack of love' has been my gentle way of
saying evil.

because that whole concept freaks me out a bit.
and i'm not ready to wrap my head around that.
so i'm taking it one step at a time.

what i saw this morning is that beliefs are
tricky things. and they're mixed in our lives
in so many ways that we don't even realize....

and i think it'd be real helpful to know what
they are and how they're movin' us around...

straightforward...who knew?

there's this way of life i've kinda adopted
that still amazes me with how good it works...

it goes like this....

i tell you what works for me.
you tell me what works for you.
and then we'll go from there.

how cool is that??
and um....sounds like a no brainer, right??
wrong!
i used to forever try to figure out what
everyone needed and then fill it even if it
hurt me in the process.

i tell ya, this way is so much better.

i just had what coulda been a sticky weird
situation with a friend.

i just bopped him an email and told him
what worked for me.

he gets to pick what works for him.

bam.
we're done.
that easy.

i was just up scrapin' stars off my ceiling.
(no, i haven't finished doin' that yet)
and i was thinking about it....

how can a way of life that is so honest,
straight forward and easy have been so
elusive for so long???

i tell ya....
sometimes it feels really good to have
grown up a bit.

thinking out loud once again....

she was on my mind this morning.
her and our talk about her marriage struggles.

her confusion was familiar to me. with struggles
in general. you find yourself in the middle
of a muddle and you try to look at it clearly
but you question every which way you're lookin'
at it.

maybe it's this....but maybe if i look at it
this way it's REALLY that.

oh yes.
i know that muddle.

so i walked and tried to figure out what you
do with those muddles.

so i went to her example of marriage....

is it possible to just boil it down to a simple
thing like 'do we have a healthy love?'
and take it from there?

if the answer's no....then are both parties
willing to create health?

if not, then for me, it'd be clear.
i want health.
so i'd leave.

i know.
i know.
it's not so clear.
believe me....i really do know.

but i want something clear for my own life.
so i kept goin'.

i thought of my own relationship.
there have been several times, including very
recently that i didn't think we'd make it.
a healthy love was never the problem.
everything else in the world....but not that.
which is maybe why we're still together.
we have a very healthy love.

okay.
so how about some of my other relationships?
i have deliberately chosen to have relationships
with some people i know are not healthy. what
we have together is not healthy.

so you can't use the 'is this healthy? if not,
walk' argument there, can ya, ter??? cause
i chose to stay.

i choose to be in those as it seems 'kind' to me.

okay.
can we take 'kind' to the level of 'love'??
do you choose to out of love?

if yes....and i would hesitate as i'm not sure it's
any deeper than kindness....but if yes....

then let's apply what it says in that book about love -
love is either about your spiritual development
or theirs. is there spiritual development goin' on
anywhere?

the unhealthy parts of those relationships is what
i call the constant game playing.

game playing does zilch for spiritual development.
so if you're doin' that, then you aren't doin'
anyone any good and it's not love.

hmmmmmm.......i'm thinking i'm liking this train of
thought.

if i feel some sense of obligation...and i do....
and if i want to be love....and i do....
then i need to notch the kindness up to love and
keep spiritual development in mind.

great.
what do i do with that?

perhaps it's being fully present with no games.
i try...and do pretty good....
but it seems almost an impossible task.

well...maybe that's where the spiritual development
comes in. to take something that feels impossible
and make it possible.

truth is...it's very possible no one else will
enjoy me doin' this. grin. very very possible.
but that's okay. i do know if i totally lose these
people by being true to myself and being loving,
that that's okay.

so okay....
wandering thru the process....
maybe you can boil it all down.

am i in a healthy situation?
if not, does anyone else in that situation
want it to be healthy?
if not and i choose to stay, then am i acting
with love?

(and i would use a definition of that as either
my spiritual development or their spiritual development
is being progressed somehow....)

NOT ENABLED....that's important.

hmmmmmm.........

bouquets

one of the wild flowers that's big around
here this time of year is tickseed sunflower.
it's this perky yellow flower along the sides
of the roads.

i absolutely love those flowers.

they're growin' in bunches up by one of the
construction sites. and they were so pretty,
i just had to stop and look at them.

wow...if i were a flower, i wouldn't mind
being one of them, i thought.

and that's all it took...
my mind was off and runnin' with flowers
and which ones i'd be.

i wouldn't be a rose, i thought.
that seems like so much work.

now i love roses. think they're gorgeous.

but i'm not a rose.

hmmmm.....this all got me thinking.

why is it too much work to be a rose?
roses don't work at being roses.
they just are.

okay....how about lilies and iris?
oh yeah. too much work.
for me.
not if you are a lily or an iris.
then it's easy.

daisies and buttercups?
easy. i'd be them.

chicory.
that's me.

and as silly as it sounds....
the flower deal here gave me this great
understanding of being comfortable with
who i am.

there have been times in my life i had
wished i could be gorgeous for a day.
or glamorous or worldly elegant. you know,
just for a little bit.

some of those moments came back to me as
i walked. and i grinned at the thought of
a rose being too much work.

a rose to me is the gorgeous or glamorous
or worldly elegant.

i just ain't never gonna be a rose.

but when i put all the flowers in front of
my mind.......there was none that was 'less
than.'

each one was gorgeous in its own way.

and while this sounds like a silly story
you'd tell an eight year old....it made
sense to me.

maybe to my inner eight year old.

and i knew that being what came naturally
to me was what i wanted to be. and that
it didn't matter who was chicory and who
was an iris and who was a buttercup....
that we all rocked the world with our colors.

i had not been strugglin' with my own image
lately. this has not been a current issue.
not even on my mind.

but this odd sense of understanding sunk
in this ol' head of mine today.

and this incredible sense of comfort in
my own self covered me.

and the best part.........i realized i wasn't
just one flower. it depended on the mood,
the day, what was goin' on.

cause no one is just one flower.
everyone's a bouquet.

how totally awesome cool is that?!
when's the last time you looked at your own
bouquet and marveled at the beauty??

the game.

i don't get the games.
i used to.
i used to live the games.

i used to live the games so well that i almost
lost myself in the process.

once i grabbed myself, and saved myself from drowning,
i swore off the games. i don't want any part of them
anymore. sometimes i find myself in them and my entire
being reacts to them. they can never be a way of life
again.

i keep thinking that all you gotta do is figure out
you're playin' them, and then you won't want to anymore.

but it doesn't seem to work that way.

i thought if you walked thru hell because of the games,
you'd figure it out and you'd change. i thought hell
would break you in two and part of you would crawl out
and change.

i thought if you lost something so precious in the world
because of the games you would drop them, do whatever it
takes to change. swear off the games.

i thought if you got to death's door, you figured it
out. and if you got to return from that door,
you changed. you grabbed honest and real. you left the
games behind.

i thought wrong.
i've seen both. the dropping of the games and the holding
on tight and the resuming of the games.
the games become reality.

i never know what to do with that.
i don't know how to accept it.
i don't know how to confront it.

and i'm afraid of the knowing i do have.
because you see, i know all to well how to step in
and dance with the game.

and that scares me.

one thing i pray for the most.....
don't let me get caught in the game ever again.
because as hard as it is sometimes.... i never ever
want to lose real.

i never ever want to lose life.
i never ever want to play the games again.

what do you want?

i keep thinking of her.

i was sittin' across the table from her.

we were talkin' about where we wanted to go
in life. what it was we wanted to do.

i was looking for the layer below the layer.

i was looking for what was below the 'i want
to have this career, or do this particular thing.'

i watched her as she told me something she wanted
to do.

bring it down a layer, i nudged.

we tried together.
'could it be you want to offer your light?' i asked.

we weren't sure.

it was close to goin' time.
we couldn't sit with it enough.

we left it unfinished.

maybe that's why it's lingering in me.
or maybe it's the vague sense i have inside of me
that she's unsure of the light inside of her.

i'm almost positive she would easily agree she had
one. and i'm almost positive she would easily agree
it was worth offering.

so what's the vague feeling i have inside about it?

does she know she's worthy?
does she know she's beautiful?
does she know her depth of faith is inspiring?

i'm not sure.
it's not a black and white thing.

i think part of her knows and part of her doesn't.

shoot that sounds familiar.
self doubt and confidence all at once?
oh yeah.
that sounds really familiar.

maybe that's everyone.

and maybe......ohhhhhhh maybe.....
how's this for a thought.......

when we push ourselves to offer ourselves....
to offer our light, or offer our love, or work
on opening our hearts, or whatever the bottom layer
is for us that we want to do....
maybe that's when we push past the self doubt barriers.

and maybe just that....
just pushing past the self doubt and moving into
our true selves......

maybe that's what we have to offer.
even tho we think it's things like offering love,
or light or open hearts.

maybe it's just offering us.

because.....oh man.......that's what we are,
isn't it? light, love, open hearts.

that's ultimately what we are.
once we lose the self doubt.

space for the knowing...

we sat around the table having coffee this
morning. two girlfriends and i.

i think women are incredible. we just
experience the full range of emotions
so easily.

there were some one liners that sent
me really laughing hard and then the
moments when the tears from the heart
just came tricklin' on out.

one friend in particular was strugglin'
with some stuff. so we concentrated on
her.

kinda like that safety net.
we know it's there for all of us.
just wasn't our turn to use it.
it was her turn.

and of course, in trying to help her figure
her stuff out, we all were gettin' our
nudges for our own stuff.

i love that.

i saw real clearly that she just needs to give
it all some time, not rush herself and just
let the answers find her.

oh, i see that so easily when it isn't me.

she was good. knows that and is comfortable
with that.

i am not quite so good at that!!

the tone was searching.
none of us knew any answers.
we just asked a lot of questions,
threw out a lot of loose end thoughts,
and hung with her.
no judgments.
just questions.

i really like being with a group that doesn't
have the answers.

i like that a lot.

it feels way more real.
and it feels way more right.

and somehow in that unknowing.....space
for the knowing is made.

we just need to wait.
and to listen.

and i just need to remember that!

just wondering......

thinking about 'evil' a bit.

i rarely think about evil.

seriously.

i avoid it.

seriously.

i don't know what to think about it
so i usually leave it alone.

i dabbled with it very briefly.

i was thinking about being 'self absorbed.'

and all the many many many different levels
of that.

all the many different angles of that.

and how it seemed so harmful because it blocked
out love.....cause you can't see anyone else
when you're self absorbed, so you certainly
can't love someone else.

and also....i think seeing someone else somehow
helps you mirror your own being and helps you
love your own self. i think you need others to
love yourself somehow. not for their approval
of you...but for them acting as mirrors or
something.

who knows.
that's another blog.

point tho was that i started thinking that being
self absorbed blocked love.

then i put it to the extreme.

and what people do to others for their own selves.

and i wondered if stuff that seemed so bad it had
to be in a category called evil...if that was an
incredible incredible level of self absorption.

and i wondered what you did with that when you saw
it.

if they can't see you....how can you reach in and
show them???

i wonder how it all works.....

safety nets

on my way out of town, we talked a bit on
the cell. we talked of what we had been thru
together this weekend and i said 'i feel like
we moved a mountain together.'

and i think we did.

the timing was perfect as i needed that
mountain moved by the time i headed back into
town. i needed my safety net at home.

he's such a big part of it. him and my boys.

we all planned to meet up together for smoothies
when i pulled back in.

just knowing they were there helped a ton.

i put on the heavy metal cd zakk had made
me and turned it up loud. i hadn't listened
on the way down. i didn't need it.

but coming home, it was totally soothing my
soul. cranked up really loud, i wanted to fly
down the highway. thank goodness all those cops
on the sides were keeping me in line.

i got there first.
ran to the bathroom.
walkin' out, i looked thru the windows and saw
him pulling into the parking lot.
i walked straight outta the place and straight
up to him. i grabbed him and held on.

'it went that well, huh??' he laughed.
i kept holding on.
'clutching' he called it.

the boys pulled in.
i was holding bob tight.
josh cleared his throat.
'oh josh, you can come over here. it's not
romantic or anything....i'm just clutching bob.'

he laughed.
they all gathered.
i unclutched.
reluctantly.
then i hugged each one of them.
clutchy hugs.

sitting down to our smoothies, we talked.

i poured out all that was inside of me.

and they talked with me and thought with me
and cared.

as i slurrped down the last of my smoothie
i thought about how good it was to be home.

this time the safety net was for me. and i
needed it.

the coolest thing is that safety net is there
for each one of us. and i've seen it used by
each one of us. there's some knowing there.
there's some sense of being part of something
there. each one of us carries it. and i guess
it's the weaving of all of that that creates
the thickness of that net.

how totally cool to land in it yesterday.

a song....

my buddies played this song last nite written
by shawn colvin.

i closed my eyes under the stars and listened to
them and the tears rolled down my face.

talk about inner child work.
and to hear it in my friends voices.....
wow. it was really powerful.

here's the lyrics:

As a little girl I came down to the water
With a little stone in my hand
It would shimmer and sing
And we knew everything
As a little girl I came down
But in a little while I got steeped in authority
Heaven only knows what went wrong
There is nothing so cruel than
to bury that jewel
When it was mine all along
I'm gonna find it
You're shining I can see you
You're smiling that's enough
I'm holding on to you
Like a diamond in the rough
Every now and then
I can see that I'm getting somewhere
Where I have to go is so deep
I was angry back then and you
know I still am
I have lost too much sleep
But I'm gonna find it
You're shining I can see you
You're smiling that's enough
I'm holding on to you
Like a diamond in the rough
Like a diamond in the rough
In my dreams I go down by the water
With a little girl in my arms
And we shimmer and sing
And we know everything
In my dreams I go down
You're shining I can see you
You're smiling that's enough
I'm holding on to you
Like a diamond in the rough
Like a diamond in the rough

and here's a link for you if you're
interested.........

perfection

and i thought i was gonna be quiet....

just got home and wrote the ladies in
tonite's concert a note.

think the thought may be worth sharing....

it was two women performing tonite.
one of the women has parkinson's.
i've written in here about her before.

at intermission, i went up to tell her how
much i was enjoying the show.

she was feeling bad as she wasn't performing
as well as she wanted to.

i told her i wasn't noticing. that it was
just awesome.

we talked a bit more and i took my seat.

the thought of her feeling bad when her performance
was so lovely bothered me.

i just wrote her about the visual i had earlier.
the one of the light streak going thru the black
darkness. how i had opened my heart like i had
wanted to this weekend and how it had been a struggle
for me. (see post below)

i told her that i didn't do it as smoothly as i had
wanted to. i didn't do it as easily or as gracefully
as i had hoped. the details were not what i wanted.
but i had achieved the goal. and the end result was
perfect.

i told her i stood before the light and claimed what
i had done.

i told her that if she felt bad about the details,
i didn't see them. if it wasn't as grace filled or
easy as she had hoped, i had missed it....all i saw
was the perfection of her art touching my soul.

and that was perfection.

made me think of all of us.
all of us gettin' hung up in the details and wishing
we had done better....and maybe missing the part
about the end result bein' awesome.

wanted to put it out here for that......

perfection is all around us.
wrapped up in a mess of imperfection.
how totally incredible is that?!

a streak of light

we hugged goodbye and commented on the
time together....way healing.

way hard.
way way way hard.
and way healing.

at one point he looked at me and said
'all this needs to come up. it's the only
way we can go thru it....it has to come up
first.'

i knew he was right.
and so grateful he knew this.

i finally did it.
i finally finally finally got to the point
i had been trying to get to.

i took a moment and closed my eyes.
i saw a streak of light shining thru a black
background.

in my mind, i got on my knees and said
'i did it!'
and i bowed to the light.

i found my way to the loving spot i had so
wanted to get to. it was one heck of a trek.

i felt like i could stand in front of that
streak and say 'i did it.'

opening my eyes, i told him.
he laughed.
it was a good laugh.

i am so totally exhausted.......

now.
off to sit under the stars and listen to
one of my best friends perform.

just what i need right now......
just what i need.

caring enough....

i made it to the hot shower....
ohhhhh that felt good.

had a thought.

thinking about someone who's causing
a lotta pain.

the thought 'he just doesn't care' came
thru my head.

but that's not true.
and i knew that.
caught myself.

and rephrased it....
'he just doesn't care ENOUGH to do something
about it.'

hmmmmm i thought....that actually covers
a lotta people i know.

hmmmmm........does it cover me???

it's got to cover everyone depending on the
situation.

and so i asked myself....with my biggest challenge
in front of me....
do you care enough?

yeah. i do.

and i realized the work ahead of me if i
care enough.

and suddenly, i could let these other people
off the hook a bit....
i could see the work they'd need to do if they
cared enough.

and i could understand them not doin' it......

amazing.

living the how

there's quite a weekend ahead for me....

there's my heart challenge (see post below)
and then more heart challenges of a different
kind on sunday.

i'll be taking a day trip to see a friend
of mine. to meet her parents. her dad is way
sick. it's a very long and complicated story.
one that has pulled on my heart in some very
big ways.

i'll be making the drive there and back alone.
which will be good. i'll need the time to think.

i will also be lucky enough to see one of my
best buddies perform this weekend. she's a musician
and the beauty of her music honestly brings me
to tears.

the mixture of emotions that i will be involved
with this weekend is incredible.

if i can honestly pull it off......live in the
moment....concentrate on the HOW of living....
it will be magnificent.

i am going in with the awareness that's what
i want.

i'm also asking the universe for a little help
in pulling it all off......

i'll be quiet for a few days.
hopefully i'll be living the how.

i keep trying....

dripping wet. haven't even hit the shower
yet. just came in from a walk in the rain.
huge huge things floating in my head this
morning...

the biggest most personal thing i can
talk about...opening my heart for real.
this is hard for me to put out. and i think
incredibly important to offer.

as nutshelly as i can possibly be....

it's not secret i'm in love with bob.
it's also no secret that the ride together
is way bumpy. his rough family life has
created a lotta waves for us. it hit a
certain spot that seemed to tip me outta
the boat and into the water.

i've been floundering ever since.

and now i find that to get thru stuff,
i have closed off parts of me.

i am at a crossroads. i have a choice
of three picks as far as i can tell.

1. i can stay closed and get thru things
and stay with bob and be someone i don't
want to be. my entire goal is to open not
to close. so i give up the goal, but keep
bob. (altho, he wouldn't accept that, but
that would be his choice, not mine.)

2. i let go of bob and keep aiming for my
goal. altho...one would have to wonder if
i could ever really feel i achieved the goal
if i couldn't do it here.

3. i keep bob and i open my heart. which means
painful things ahead and i hurt my way thru
them.

oh great. huh?
so i walked in the rain and it all became
clear. that's my choices. pick.

as i was thinking about it two other thoughts
mingled in....

problem with dating someone wise is that they
say things you just can't ignore. years and
years ago bob wrote me this incredible email
and one little snippet i took from it and hung
it on my wall. 'once you've made your choice,
it becomes a matter of trust.'

once you've made your choice, it becomes a
matter of trust.

that's a rockin' cool sentence.
and it's been haunting me this morning.

and one of the most rockin' cool sentences i've
ever written is 'strength lies in the opening
of the heart.' i don't think i can ever articulate
how much that sentence means to me and how much
i believe truly opening is the hardest thing ever.

okay...now throw in what i was listening to
yesterday. the who is the how.
i think to nutshell that whole thing you could
just say it's all about HOW you do things.
that's what matters. not what you get are who
you think you are. it's how you live.

great.
you can see how you mix all this together with
some rain drops all around you and your goal
in mind to open your heart.
oh it's a no brainer.
you gotta pick open your heart and stay with bob.
oh yeah.

and as soon as i told myself that, the tears
started coming.

you see, i know that's the hardest choice.

we're goin' away yet again today.
it's been awkward and strained between us.

i know without a doubt if i live in the moment
and concentrate on opening my heart, we'll have
an incredible trip.

i also know that if i open the door for that,
i am stepping down a path that is gonna hurt.
a lot.

the thought about wanting something different.
something easier, something more tidy and painfree...
that would be really nice.

and then i thought about the HOW.
it's not what you have, its HOW you have it.
and then if you live the HOW right...
then you have everything.

ohmygosh.

it's a totally zennish yin yangy kinda thing that
i know i have to open to.

and i'm really afraid to.

i also read yesterday that having courage isn't
not being afraid. it's being afraid and doing it
anyway.

when i look at the big picture, i doubt myself.
i'm not sure i can pull it off.

but when i look at the moments.....the HOW.
living the moments HOW i want to live....
then i think i might do it.

it's also interesting to note the internal struggle
of stepping into the how. it doesn't come
naturally for me. protection comes way more natural.

i'm headin' off today to live like i want to live.

and i think for awhile i'm gonna have to make a
conscious effort every day to make that choice.
maybe a conscious effort every moment???

and as i put our sentences together here, i smile...
we always have been a pretty cool team:

strength lies in the opening of the heart.
once you've made your choice, it becomes a matter
of trust.

falling to my knees....

ohmygosh.

i'm workin' at my desk right by a window.
the other side of the room, directly behind
me is another window. the breeze is flowin'
right on thru them. it's incredible.

i'm barefoot, in jeans and a tank top
with a long sleeve button down shirt thrown
over it all for the extra coziness of it all.
everything feels soft and comfortable.

it is absolutely so perfect right now that
i want to burst.

there are moments when life feels too good
to even begin to hold.....

i just looked out the window and there's these
filtered kinda sun beams coming thru my back
yard....

sometimes you just gotta fall to your knees
at the glory of it all......

the who is the how....

okay.
not many of you may have the seventeen
minutes to spare....or even the interest
to get you there....

just thought i'd throw this out there
anyway....

i just went over to our audio page.
i was a little hesitant as i haven't heard
one of these in years. and i was thinking
it may be painful to listen to....

but i really wanted to hear the concept
that i've forgotten.

so i went over.
there's a list of audio's.
this one is called 'the who is the how.'

you get a silly intro from my boys....
which i enjoyed just cause i love them.
it's only a couple of minutes.
and then this rambling thought offering
from me.

i actually think it's a decent thought.

in fact, it's real timely for me.
i needed a reminder.

so thought i'd post the link here for
anyone interested.

it's 17 min. long....so if you've got some
time and a cup of tea.....go for it.

i'm gonna be thinking about it all today......

fluid and flexible.

so i grabbed a few minutes and grabbed
the 'to have or to be' book and sat on
my porch stoop and checked out all the
pages i had done the dog ear thing to.

i had this concept down once.
not anymore.
and i remember, before i read it, i
actually came up with my own version of
it. i know i did an audio about it for
bone sighs a few years ago. just looked.
it's still around....gonna have to go
listen as i don't have the concept down
anymore.

and i think that's so funny.
i gotta go listen to a recording i did
so i know what i was talking about.

bet ya anything it makes no sense to me
now!!

which brings me to my thought as i walked.

about how life is fluid.

i truly truly truly am stunned that a person
(this would be me) can grow up NOT realizing
that life is fluid. and thinking that things
stay the same.

huh?

where does that come from?

i guess all the darn 'happily ever after'
stuff....i don't know........
i get so aggravated with myself over this one.

HOW CAN THIS NOT BE NATURAL TO YOU TERRI?!!!

i looked at the INCREDIBLE september morning.
the gorgeous tick seed sunflower out (that real
pretty wild yellow flower on the side of the
road)....the particular gray that september skies
have......

the seasons.

the changes.

life is fluid.

you have a concept down at one point.
you lose it at another.

you're good at something at one point.
you totally suck at it at another.

it's fluid.
that's the way it's sposed to be.

fluid and flexible.

hmmmmm........
maybe i ought to be more open to those
things.

i kinda like steady, solid and reliable.

grin.

that only lets so much in.

not enough.

fluid and flexible lets life in.

those are my words for today.......
fluid and flexible.

cause i wanna let life in.......
i think.

yeah.
yeah.

mostly i do.

yeah.
yeah.

i do.
i do.

fighting over mister fromm!..or is that dr. fromm?!

i read this book a few years back called
'to have or to be' by erich fromm.

it was awesome cool. he talks about
two modes of existence (i got that
phrasing off the back cover....i liked
that!) the 'to have' mode and the
'to be' mode.....

i'm sure i'll be posting more as i just
grabbed it to read.

i looked EVERYWHERE for that book.
couldn't find it.

really feel like the timing is right for
it so i kept searching.

hmmm.......after the fortieth look in
the living room then backtracking to my
studio.....

i wonder.....
do you spose yo yo has it in his room????

sure enough.

right by his bed.

how cool is that?!!

his 21st birthday is coming up soon.
one of the things on his gift list is books....
some erich fromm books are in the book list.

he's the guy who wrote 'the art of loving'
he's a psychoanalyst that died in 1980.

i just stood there shakin' my head.

how cool that he had it right there?!

now.
do i take it?!
lol!

that doesn't seem quite fair, does it?!

we'll have to share.....with him getting
first dibs.

i'm just so tickled he's checkin it out
on his own.....

i've got some awesome cool kids...

the hoodie crisis of 9/9/09

we got word this morning that the designs
we had worked on for our new hoodies that
we want to do, wouldn't work.

since we already feel like we're about
a month behind, crisis mode snapped in.

it was really very comical.

i never made it out on my walk.
was starting to change into walking clothes
when i figured out i'd better stay and
work on this. it was actually my tee shirt
i wear on walks that got me thinking of fonts
and such...and i decided to concentrate on
that stuff.

between yo's slow and steady let's think
this thru and my 'no time to think, let's
just start!' it was pretty funny.

zakk was gettin' a kick outta watchin' it
all so he was sure to add a little to the
chaos just for the fun of it.

i was all over the map confusing yo as
he couldn't keep up. he said it was the same
as shopping with me. there were no straight
lines, i zig zagged all over the place....

and yeah, i do.

BUT! we finally came up with something that
was inner child inspired.

okay.
truth?
little terri made it!

and little terri clapped and clapped when we
were all done. so i knew that it was right.

yo wasn't sure anyone would want them....
and i said 'doesn't matter. i gotta love them.
that's what matters.'

we laughed at my marketing skills but figured
what the heck, that's how we've gotten by
so far......

as i was runnin' up to their office to tell
them something, i got so excited i forgot
how to use the stairs. when i made it up
safely and told them, zakk just started laughing.

'you never have that happen?' i asked.

and he laughed some more.

it's been a wild morning. a fun morning.....
prolly a pretty stressful morning for yo yo....
but i loved it.

and now the christmas cards i'm workin' on just
got delivered. and yeah, i goofed bad on one of
'em.

there's never a dull moment....but how fun is this?

i get to play for work!

living among the stars......

i need to repaint my bedroom.
yeah, right.
i've been looking at it for about
two years now....
i promised myself i would do it this fall.
hmmmmmmm......

i decided yesterday i was prolly not gonna
get the block of time i needed, and i should
just work on it in bits til i was done.
then i'd at least do it.

so last nite i went in and started taking
some stuff off the walls.

i looked up at the stars on the ceiling.
sigh.

hate to take those off.
maybe i could just not paint the ceiling???
ahhhh noooooo it needs it bad.

so i started scraping stars.

i just let them fall.

zakk came in later to say goodnite. he walked
in with a puzzled look on his face.
'did you know there's a trail of stars leading
to your room?!'

i laughed.
i had walked in and out a few times and well...
left a trail behind me.

'yeah! isn't it great?!' i answered.
i was totally lovin them everywhere.

when i woke up i had stars sticking to me.

i got up and walked over them and smiled.

i almost like them on the floor better, i thought.

what a way to start your day......
right among the stars.......