the same goals....

here's the thought.
it seems so incredibly basic.
and yet, i feel like it's a life changer
for me.

if you share the same goal with someone,
then when there's some kind of conflict/
obstacle to face....there's absolutely
no reason for it to be threatening.
you'll both want an outcome that will
support the main goal.

okay.
this sounds like a no brainer and where
have you been, ter, thing.

but i JUST figured this out with my guy
and i think i can use this with other
relationships.

i think what's the nugget of gold in
it is the belief you have in the relationship.

if you really believe the goal is to love
each other (and again, this can be friends, kids,
whatever)....then why not just readily sit down
and say 'hey, we gotta bump here we gotta smooth!"

i tend to get tense....
hurt...
defensive....
suspicious....
all that junk.

but if you believe the goal, you don't need
that stuff. you just can go work it out.

so here's the kicker...
do you believe you share the same goal???

ta da!
to me, that was priceless.
with my guy, it's taken a long time to really
believe that.....to really really really believe
it.

but...
big silly grin here.....
i do.
and i do with everyone i'm really really close
to.

even bigger sillier grin.
this just tickles.

one incredible network!

i have the best network in the whole darn world!

i honest to pete deleted a bunch of stuff in one
of my email boxes, and as i hit the delete button,
i realized i was deleting a quote from the daily love
before i even read it!

i didn't go to retrieve it because i was in a hurry
with something else....

i head on over to my other email box and there's
a note from michele sending me the daily love quote!
no kidding.
this isn't the first time this has happened with something
i've missed.
and i think it's the coolest thing!!!

now!
for the quote!
could it be any more perfect???

Today I affirm that there is nothing in me
but love. This love comes from total acceptance
of myself and the understanding that I am a
perfectly imperfect human being.
I will walk through today and allow myself to
fully express my perfection.
I realize that all my "faults" are actually
the Universe's unique way of expressing itself
through me. I let go of self judgment and any
projected judgments of others that I have chosen
to believe and finally allow myself to just be
what I truly am: infinite.
As this is true for me, so it is true for all
other beings on the planet.
I will choose to accept everyone in my life
with the same radical acceptance I have for myself
knowing that we are all perfectly imperfect human
beings simply doing the best we can. And so it is."

- Mastin Kipp

................

oh ho ho ho ho........sometimes i just love the
way this world works.

i'm printing this out and carryin' it with me
today.

i think ol' mastin wrote it just for me!
grin.
okay.
okay.
maybe not.
i think ol' mastin wrote it just for all of us!

keeper of her heart

'she heard the words
'keeper of her heart' and thought
of him.
he always had been.
whether he knew it or not.
now it was time for her to be
keeper of his heart.
holding it gently, tenderly,
she tucked his heart into hers
and carried him with her always...
and forever.'

digging deeper

i just read pattie's blog.

she's experiencing major stress about some
of the care giving that is being thrust upon her.
who wouldn't???
i love she puts it out there and shares it.
i would have felt the way she does in this post
long ago....

it made me think of the digging deep that we all have
to do in certain situations.
the digging when we just don't want to anymore.
the digging that seems impossible.
we're just too tired, given too much, tried too
hard and don't have any more....
and yet...we're required to dig more.....

obviously, her husband will gain by her digging
more....
but she herself is the one who's gonna gain the
most.

when it's done, she's gonna see all that she had
inside her that she didn't know was there.

with pattie in my heart, i turn to my own life...
somehow i have a renewed energy to dig deeper....

here we go again....

ohhhh it's actually kinda interesting....
i had a thought. a word i was wrapping my
head around and gettin' excited about where
it was taking me...
and then there was all this construction
hub-bub. totally distracted me.

when it finally quieted down and i got
back to my thoughts....the word was gone.

just gone.

oh great.

i tried real hard to get it back.
but it was gone.

when stuff like that happens, i figure i
blocked it for some reason. like i'm not
quite ready for it or something inside
is fighting it....

but i refused to let it go...maybe i don't
have the word i was just so diggin'...
but i have the concept.

it was about loving.

i feel like i am recommitting to my goal
of trying to love...
i feel like i will prolly keep recommitting
continually thru out my life.

like i gain three steps, go back two,
recommit and do it again.

over and over.
and over again.

i feel real strongly right now that i
want to concentrate on the act of loving.
it's consuming my thoughts once again.

and yet....i still feel the need to protect
myself over and over.

so i got to thinking.....(here's where i need
that missing word).....
how do i show it/offer it/make it seen to other
people?
do i do so in a way they can see?

of course there's the first obvious yes. i do
pretty good a lotta the times.
but what about the hiding times?

does the hiding show more than the love?

do i hide more than i love?
when? and why?

are the reasons really the reasons i think?

when i least feel like offering it....
is that when i should most offer it?

i called on little terri at one point....
gonna need her help here.
it can't feel like i'm giving her away or
me away or any part away.
it has to be that i'm ultimately doing it
for me. and all parts of me must agree.

if i ultimately want to grow in love, then
i have to reach further, stretch more, give
all i can....for me.

if i do it because i should, or for the other
person, then i'll just resent it and feel like
i need payback.

all parts must be on board, and the goal has
to be long range....

here we go again.....

ponderin'

walked today.....and thought of someone
i don't even know.
just heard very briefly about her thru
her husband. they're gettin' ready to
split up. and i was imagining what she
was going thru. she's dealing with
depression....and i thought about the
little bit i knew of her life.

she had a baby really young. and i thought
of how life changed for her then...
i tried to imagine her really young. all
the hopes and dreams...

and then i thought of all of us.
i thought of me, and friends i knew.
i thought of my kids.
all the hopes and dreams we start out
with....

and i landed right smack in the middle of
the 'what's it all about?' place.

what the heck IS it all about???
what's the point?
why are we here?
does it matter what we do??

when i got to these questions, my face
did the frustrated scrunch up, just really
wanting answers.

the only thing that makes any sense to me
is the candle theory....

the idea that there's one main flame somewhere
and that we've all got candles inside us lit
from that main flame. and our job is to grow
that flame. make it shine brighter.

that's still my theory of choice.
even tho the 'main flame' part has taken on
more of an 'energy' feel over the years...
it's still my theory of choice.
but. so what?
i asked myself this morning. so what?
so you die and you're flame's bright(er).
so?

and then i asked myself some other questions:
does it matter who we love???
does anything last???
is anything worth giving your all for??

and i felt like i knew the answers to these
questions, altho i dont' know why.

it does matter who we love. while we have to
love all that we can as much as we can, (i think)
the ones you really give your heart to matter.
that affects everything. that affects growing
your flame.
love lasts. it's the only thing i know that does
last.....beyond you. it IS the flame.
and love seems to be the thing worth giving your
all to...

why?
i don't know.
it's just a feeling i carry around inside.

so those questions just made it so i could look
from a different angle and find some of my
beliefs.

and i think where that brought me this morning
is to a throwing up of my hands.

i don't know what any of it's about.
equally as strong as my confusion is my belief
in an energy called love that is beyond anything
i can comprehend.

so i don't see any other answer but to throw up
my hands, crinkle my face in confusion, take a
deep breath, and step in to love.

here's the kicker tho....

if that's what i think it's all about....and
if that's what i think is at the bottom of it all
somewhere somehow....then i can't just say yeah,
yeah i'm in.

if i do that, i'll miss the journey. the real journey.
cause that's just lip service.

i may not know what it is.
and i may not know what it's about.
but i do know it's two feet in or forget it.

two feet in to something you don't understand,
and something you don't know where it goes to....
and yet you're sposed to jump with two feet in?

yeah.....i think you are.
i believe people refer to that as the 'mystery'
of it all...

jeesh.
i'm in.

birthing bone sighs

she's dealing with a loss more complicated
than anyone should have to deal with.

in an effort to help, to honor, to be there,
to cope, to relate, to sort, to feel,
new greeting cards are getting created.
amazing how some of this stuff gets born...

two quotes were birthed today.
after our phone call...
soon to be cards.....

......
totally new territory
with not even a piece of a map,
surrounded by fear too big to hold...
a whisper begins to echo thru my mind.
thru my heart.
'release.'
'surrender to the moment.'
'be.'

.............


i run to fear, arms outstretched
and my world shrinks in front of me.
slowly, i turn to trust.
it is then i notice the stars in
the darkness.
laying in the star light,
i rest.

.........

my yo

i had just hung up the phone with the insurance
guy.

yo works in the next room over now (for the
summer....too hot up in his office)....

so he hollers over and asks me what i'm
up to over here....

told him i was workin' on some writing.

and without missing a beat, i hear this
wonderful boomy happy exclamation of
his "GOOD! glad to hear it."

i laughed.

why????

"cause writing always does wonders for
you."

i smiled over here. i can't see him....
but i could hear him......and i sure
could feel him.

he's just so the best.

CLEAR!!!!!!

ohhhh timing!
i read this AFTER i wrote the post below
about seeing clearly.

from 'my grandfather's blessings'
rachel tells the story of her therapist
giving her a bracelet with the word 'clear'
on it. after asking why that particular
word, she was instructed to look up its
definition.

she looked it up and found more than sixty
meanings! here's some.....

'free from obstruction,free from guilt,
free from blame, free from confusion,
free from entanglement, free from limitation,
free from debt, free from impurities, free
from suspicion, free from illusion, free from
doubt, free from uncertainty, free from
ambiguity...and of course it's ultimate
meaning which is able to seve perfectly
in the passage of light.'

woe.
fell off the couch.
i have a new word!!

I WANT TO BE CLEAR!
I WANT TO LIVE CLEAR!

yeah, ter, yeah.
but how?!!!!!!!

hangin' up the safety goggles

it was a light moment. a funny thing.
and he grinned and twinkled at me
and said 'ya see, you just don't see me.'

it was light. and he was joking.
and he wasn't joking.

he was right.
he knew it.
not sure if he knew i knew it.
but i did.

there's so many things i see about him.
and yet so many things i don't.
or at least not right away.

there are so many things about him that
are foreign to me, that unsettle me,
that are different ways to me...

i bring out filters or safety nets
or something for those things...and
my views get blocked or skewed.

it doesn't make sense to me that these
things can bring someone to the same place
i'm going.

but until i take my safety goggles off,
i'll never really see.

shoot.
i thought i had enough trouble just seeing
myself.

somehow tho, i think seeing him...really
refusing the safety goggles is gonna help
me see me too.

not sure how.
just have a feelin'.

looks like it's time to hang the safety
goggles in the shed....

whew.
some of this is so much easier to type than
to do.....

harder and better.....

i see the growth in trust inside myself.
towards him. towards us.

and yet i still see the miles to go to
get where i want....

we had a pow wow last nite.
there's something that's really bothering
me that we need to hash thru.
and we agreed we would.

but first we dealt with our love.
and our trust.

and seeing clearly.
and loving deeply.

that right there tells me how much i've
grown in trust. i don't need to 'fix' the
problem right this second. i need to feel
what's between us.

it occurred to me this morning....
maybe it's a lot easier having someone
NOT love you completely. having someone
who really doesn't love you for who you
are.

because then you can whine, and be a
victim, and never really have to live
who you are....cause they can't deal with
it anyway.

in that sense, it might be easier.
not better. nope. don't mean that.

maybe it's a lot harder having someone
say 'go ahead. be.'

cause then you have to.

and then the only person standing in your
way is you.

impressed

i'm workin' on the 'wonderfuls' for our
website comin' up in june....
(we feature different people every month
who are wonderful)

and i'm lookin' at these two incredible
women....workin' with their pictures right
now.....

and i'm thinking of their stories.
and all the stories everywhere.

i'm so lucky that these stories are an
everyday part of my job..

but there's something about workin' with
their pictures, staring at them on my
screen.....seein' their eyes.....

it just really makes me hold what they've
been thru with such care.

the world is full of so so so much hurt.
and the world is full of so so so much
strength.

the older i get, the more impressed i
am with the human spirit.

feeling impressed with it all right now...
and grateful to be part of it.

holiday's over....

sometimes i can see real clearly.
and i watch the world hurt.

i don't try to fix it anymore.

but i still cry for it. yeah,
sometimes i sob.

sometimes i can see real clearly,
and i think it's a gift.

sometimes i can see real clearly
and i think it's a curse.

how do you hold all of life inside
of you and balance it?

how do you keep from going insane?
how do you keep from living in denial?

how do you live fully and completely?

holiday's over.
time for some thinking.
too bad there's no walk today.
off to drive ed to the airport.......

kitchen banter

we were all in my kitchen last nite.
i was cooking for a meal today, they
were playin' cards keepin' me company
with their whoopin' and hollerin'.

i got a phone message that aggravated me.
i tried not to let it.
told myself all the practical things that
explained it and that there was no cause
to feel bad....
i still felt bad tho.
it just kinda hung in my heart.

joked with the guys about it as i grabbed
the trash bag to take outside.

as i walked out the back door, i could
hear their jests thru the open window.

they know all my issues, know all my buttons
and joke about them constantly.

like i have an issue about 'not feeling seen.'
and i have body image issues, or issues that
i'm always in the way. those kinda things that
i've been workin' thru for years now!

so they'll say things like 'oh well, she's so
fat, but of course who can tell, cause we can't
see her. good thing too as she'd just be in
the way.'

i'm laughing as i type this.
cause i have a feeling unless you're here and
know the banter, it sounds pretty awful.

it's actually quite funny and relieves a lotta
tensions a lotta times. and it's their way of
telling me i'm okay.
believe it or not.

so i'm walkin' out into the night with this
trash bag, a little tense from the message,
and i hear their bantering start. and i hear
lines like above. and i just burst out laughing.
i'm laughing as i pop the bag in the trash can
and hollerin' 'you bums!" as i round the corner
of the house.

there's something magical about laughter.
and those guys of mine keep me laughin'....

i finished up with a grin on my face, listening
to the boys get back to the poker banter.

i think prolly one of my favorite things about
family is the bantering that goes on.

sometimes that's the most healing thing in the
world......

memorial day

we sat around on josh's back porch
yesterday. the guys and i were havin'
dinner, just the four of us.

it was real casual, just hangin' and
munchin' while josh grilled some burgers
on the grill his brothers had given him.

i had saved some stories for when we
were all together, so i threw some out
there. and then after one of them,
tellin' them of someone's reaction to
something, i asked, 'why do you think
there was such a reaction?'

and they started.
they started tryin' to figure it out.
zakk threw out a theory i never woulda
even thought of.

'ohhhh you might have a point there, zakk.
i never thought of that.'
then someone else threw one out that we all
nodded to and said yeah, maybe so....
there was a theory no one really bought,
even the presenter of it! and there was much
mullin' and piecin' together.

then i threw in a wrench to it all.
but what about this?

more figurin' out....

we were doin' one of my favorite games...
tryin' to figure out how people work.
and in doin' that, figurin' out how it is
we work.

i love that they'll do this with me.
i love that even zakk has gotten involved
and comin' up with great theories.
i love that they watch now and try to
understand people.
and i love that they then try to understand
themselves.

drivin' home zakk told me something about
himself that really surprised me. and
showed me how aware he was becoming.

i looked out my window as he drove and
thought about what an honor it is to watch
these young men grow.

and once again, i remembered the weekend.
memorial day....

i closed my eyes and thought of all the moms
who haven't had the time or space to watch
like i have....

it is those kid's parents i'm thinking
of today.....and all those kids.....

it's a special special holiday.
i find it a terribly sad one.....

my way of celebrating is appreciating
my sons as much as i can.

i have a lot to appreciate........

memorial day weekend.....

it started friday while i was at the airport.
i saw all the service guys in their outfits
all over the place....and i saw how young
they looked and i thought of my sons.

then yesterday as i was driving, i saw a
ton of motorcycles out, the vets goin' to
the memorial day activities....

and then this morning, more vets on the
road. the stickers, the signs, the flags...

over and over i thought of my sons.

it's an interesting holiday weekend for me.
tryin' to separate some of my feelings
about war from my respect for what these
people have all been thru or are gonna go
thru.

it's an important holiday for a thousand
reasons. and one reason that's big on my
mind today is the reminder of how lucky i
am that my sons have never had to go thru
any of this.....

i am going to have a cookout with the three
of them tonite....and i'm just so grateful
they're here. and that they've never had to
be trained to kill.

wow.
that's big stuff.

on my own

something i noticed today....
the hurdles that i face seem to be set
up where i face them alone.

bob's not there. the guys aren't there.

it's usually me on my own dealing with
it.

now, they'll be there afterwards or before
and they're in my heart....

but it just occurred to me that that's
a pattern.

not cause they bail.
i don't mean that.

i mean, the situations seem to just happen
that i'm on my own.

i look back at that and feel a bit
stunned with how that's happened over and
over again.

wow.

i think i would have said i couldn't have
done it on my own....

i would have been wrong.

i think i would have changed that if i could.
would have not done it on my own.

so glad i didn't have the say in that.

because today, looking back, it feels really
awesome to know i did it.
on my own.

embracing that today....as i do just a little
bit more....on my own.

stopping the churning...

okay. i read this today. and i smiled.
i have this down fairly good with my guy.
fairly good. i mean, there are times it
takes me days to get to this spot....
but i get there and look within....
a fair amount of the time....

but i'm not so good about it in my other
relationships......and today, i thought
of it and went there.....

it changed everything....

'the proper question is not 'why is
he or she doing that to me' or 'who
do they think they are?'but rather
'why am i acting in this way?
who do i think they are?'
....'what can i do about this?'
....where in me is this coming from?'

this was in the section on marriage,
i think....but then it went into family.
and thru it all she talked about how
we project our stuff and what we want
them to be onto them.
and we don't see them for the humans
that they are.

guaranteed when i do that (project),
i'm all churned up inside....and when
i don't i'm really calm about things.

and so today.....i found myself churned
up again. and then i remembered this.

it doesn't take the sad away....
but it takes away the churning.

and i think that's important.
it stops the churning and allows me
to move on....

a lesson from my mom

i just walked thru my living room.
okay....so the blood didn't come out
quite as good as i thought it did.
(see 2 posts below!) and yeah, i'll
try cleanin' it up a bit more...
but i'm thinking it's gonna be there
in some form or another....

and i got to thinking about my mom.

one of the best things she ever taught
me was in a lesson she lived.

she had this wooden stereo cabinet that
was really nice. she loved it. took care
of it, oiled the wood. the whole deal.
you could tell by the way she touched it
that she really treasured it.

when we were teenagers, my brother's friend
put this huge long scratch across it by
accident.

oh wow. it was huge. big. long. all the
way across the front.

ouch.

and my mom handled it like a champ.
he was so sorry. and she said she'd remember
him always now when she dusted or oiled her
cabinet.

and she smiled and said it was okay.

he's still in my life and i still mention that
scratch from time to time to him. tease him
about it.

it's a great memory. and i thank my mom inside
me all the time for it. she taught me something
big that day.

so, yeah, i'll try to clean that blood up a bit
more....but i'm thinking.....i may think of ed
every time i vacuum or tidy up my living room.

and i think that's gonna be kinda cool...

the beginning and ending parts....

everything about my house is slightly off
and goofy. no, not cause i made it that way.
it was that way when we bought it.
some of the things have been adjusted, and
some not.

well....i just committed to what our next
big project will be...fixing our front stoop.
it's way too low for the front door. so when
you walk in, it's a giant step up to get in
the house....

something that's okay if you know.....something
that's not okay if you're almost 80 and been
travelin' all day.

yep. he took his first step into my house and
landed flat on his face.
bam.

i turned to see him laying in my front entrance.

ohmygosh. i was horrified.

he was holding his head. oh my.
we helped him up and got him into a soft chair.
that's when bob noticed his leg was bleedin'
real good.

oh my.

bob's good with this stuff and is busy elevating
his leg and tellin' ed to just lean back while
i'm runnin' for the bandages and washcloths...

such was the entrance of ed into my home.

ed's okay.
bob bandaged him up like a champ.
the blood came off the rug.
and i've vowed to fix my front porch.

as he was leaving i reminded him of the steps.
and we went out slow....
bob's son had left his shoes RIGHT in the
way on the bottom of the steps. and sure
enough....ed tripped over them.

no kidding.
BUT he didn't land down again.
just wobbled.

wow.

thank goodness the inbetween visit was
so good......

the inbetween parts

so the entering and leaving were a bit rough.
oh man.

dinner was over, the gorillas had gone outside
to go horse play and just the three of us sat
around the table.

i asked ed about life. about hurts. about
forgiveness. about regrets. i asked him about
what he wanted out of life. about his heart
and about living with it open.

it was good.

and he told me something that he had learned
from me. not so much from me, but from my loving
him. he told me he became more aware of his
actions towards others thru my actions towards
him.

i told him that his presence reminds me of the
importance of loving. he's my living proof that
love matters.

he so wanted to share his thoughts with us.
and i listened. questioned a bit, thought a bit
out loud and listened some more.

but i gotta say, it wasn't so much his thoughts
that made my nite....it was what was goin' on
between the thoughts.

the visible love that was floating around everywhere.

i looked over at bob. he was so gentle and kind.
i loved him so much.
i looked over at ed....he so wanted to share and be
heard. and i loved him so much.

it was so awesome cool.
by the time ed slid into the car he was just
all twinkling and tellin' me that nothing could
be as great as this visit.

and i smiled.
that's from the man who came in flat on his face.

yeah, there's a lotta things that need fixing in
my house, including that front stoop...
but the love that takes place inside of it
just amazes me.

i never even planned it!

the coolest thing has been goin' on....
and i didn't even intentionally try....

when i sit down with yo and zakk at a
meal or just hangin' out, we tell stories
of what's goin' on. so i always end up
tellin' them about the incredible women
i'm interacting with. share some of their
stories...that kinda thing.

last nite as i told them one more, i
realized how cool this was. i grinned at
them and told them 'i'm gonna make you
guys feminists without even tryin!'

what i realized was that these guys were
gonna grow up with a real sense of the
struggles and triumphs of women.

and i got so tickled inside when i saw that.
i think i saw it from the look on yo's
face this last time i told a story.

how awesome is that?! and i never even
planned this!!!

what an honor to be raising my sons.

guess who's coming to dinner!

okay, i wanted to find the post about ed...
but my gosh....that's totally like digging
thru a haystack for a needle! (um...some of
us talk wayyyyyyyyy too much!)

i love the story of ed, but don't want to
do the repeat story and drive you all crazy.

bottom line(s) is that ed is an older gentleman
who never really had much love in his life.
i offered some, and he responded amazingly.

he's the crusty old sailor uncle of bob's.
the one bob told me was way way salty and
a little bit scary.

the same man who reads shakespeare sonnets
to me over the phone now! and wants to come
live near us and be with us.

amazing.

well.......ed is flying in today for a visit!
he'll be in MY territory! ha!

he'll be staying with bob but visiting here
a bit. he's coming over for dinner tonite.

i am so so delighted to have him in my home.
i want to sit and really really talk with
him tonite.

i have one goal....
to make him feel totally loved and let him
know he matters.

he's almost 80. think it's time.

and i'm hoppin' up and down today that
*i* get to be the one to try to offer this!

feelin' like a little kid!!!!

ah! THAT'S it!

my tiny bit of reading time has slowed
way down. that's not good. gonna have
to work on that....
BUT i got in one page last nite!
AND i couldn't believe what i read.

THIS is what i was feebly tryin' to say
to my friend yesterday and in a blog
here yesterday.

i read this and thought "ah! THAT'S
how you say it!'

>>>
'romantic love has become the religion
of western culture.
instead of exploring our own inner lives
and recognizing the need for an individual,
spiritual relationship with our
Self and the Divine, we too often imagine
the Divine to be located in physical people-
in the object of our love.'

(awakening at midlife, k. brehony)
>>>>>>>

jeesh i wish i could talk like this lady!
and jeesh i wish everyone would read this book!

one heck of a coffee break...

when i met her for the first time in person,
she looked me straight in the eye and said
'we have got to talk.'

i never forgot that moment.

almost a year later, she and her daughter
met me for coffee.

that was this morning.

she had been having health problems, so that
was the first check in. but once we covered
that ground, i reminded her of what she had
said to me. and i smiled at her. 'i want to
hear your story.'

she looked at me, started with something like
'briefly...' and began.

but i wouldn't let it be brief.
i wanted the details, wanted to know more here,
what did she mean there, tell me for real.

and i listened with amazement.

she told me a story filled with abuse that
i hear more and more.
and she told me of how she survived.

i asked her about value and self worth and
all the self doubts that would have to fill
her inside.

she told me of the years of work in therapy.

i asked her what insight she got from it all.

and i don't think i've ever been so delighted
with an answer.

her whole face got this really awesome look...
and she said 'i was one hell of a strong kid.'

i beamed with pride across the table at her.
yes, you certainly were, i agreed.

she saw it. she saw how she coped and did what
she did to get thru. and she valued it.

i wonder how many people with abuse can look
back and say that? and i so wish every single
one of them could.
i wonder how many people WITHOUT abuse can
look back and say that?
look back and see the beauty that they were...
that they are.

her daughters are grown, she raised three daughters,
put them all thru college on her own.

she says she has a plaque hanging in her home.
she won't be without it. it matters too much to her.
it says 'love lives here.'
and that's all she allows into her home.

she looked at me at one point and said 'when it
comes down to it, it's all choices. what you do
with what you've got is all a choice.'

she chose love.

it was one heck of a coffee break.
i've been smiling ever since....

belief in the magic....

i don't know how it happened, but i found
myself typing out my thoughts on love to
a friend.

what stood out for me big time was the
incredible mix of practicality and magic
i believe in.

he spoke of soul mates.
i spoke of work.

he spoke of once in a life time.
i spoke of work.

laughin' over here.

was definitely feeling my german roots!

i honestly believe 'love' is tossed around
so much, so many don't have a clue of what
it means. and those that toss it around freely
are the most clueless.

i honestly believe loving someone is more
work than i ever could have dreamed of.

not because i'm not giving and loving,
but because it requires so much honesty and
so much self reflection.

truly deep love requires truly deep self love
on both sides.

i see lots of diving and exploring involved...
and while a ton of that is work....
a ton of that is also magic.

that's where the magic lies.
that's the magic that will not fade away
but grow...and grow...and grow.

that's the part about someone else making you
whole....

i sat back and shook my head this morning.
i have a lotta guy friends that are more
'romantic' than i am.
how did that happen?!

and yet....i do believe in romance....
i love romance....i just believe in something
more.....

it is in the belief in the magic that i keep
on goin'.........

loving women!

one of my all time favorite books was/is
'conversations with god.'

i remember hearin' a bit about it and then
finally sitting down to read it. i read
a lot more back then....

someone had told me it was 'an easy read.'
so when i got stuck on the first concept
in the book, i was thinking i was in for
a long haul.

but nope, it was only that first concept
that threw me. i just did NOT understand it.

i totally get it now with no problem.
but my gosh then it caused a lot of face
scrunching.

it was the idea that you shouldn't ask
for something when you pray. you should
say thank you, knowing you already received
it. if you're asking for it, you will always
want it. it's the knowing you had it that
changed everything.

huh?
i couldn't get it.
but somehow i lived myself into the answer.
and i get it.
don't even ask me to explain it.
you gotta figure that one out on your own!!

i've been thinking the last week that i want
to 'make an intention'....i want to 'put it
out there'....okay....maybe i want to PRAY
for really cool women to surround me in my life.

oh man.

i just walked thru my house and laughed when
i thought of that.

um.
helloooo??
YOU'VE TOTALLY ALREADY GOT THAT TER!!!

and the more you know it, the more you'll have
it.

and this one was easy. no effort. no gettin'
in the right frame of mind....

it's so in my face, it's blinding.

they're everywhere in my life.

and i want to keep opening space for more and
more to come in.

oh no.
strike that.
that's the lesson in the book......
I AM OPENING the space (not i WANT to) for more
and more to come in......

i am so loving women today!

mellowly great

the day is so lovely i just want to burst.
my gosh, this is the third absolutely
gorgeous day in a row. hey, maybe it's
been more....i don't know....but it is
perfect outside.

i chatted with a girlfriend earlier and
we rambled into such a precious girl talk
that i'm grinnin' an hour later.
i love being female.

i'm a bit worn out....too much celebratin,
too much inside growin'.....

i lean back in my chair and look outside
and feel mellowly great...heartily grateful.

so glad that came back.

how does anyone live a life without gratitude?
it so sucks without it.....

i think a picnic lunch break is totally in
the cards today.....

it was time...

my spirit was tired this morning on my walk.
thoughts everywhere. i couldn't direct them
or work with them....

self doubt seemed to be floating in the
background, but i didn't want to acknowledge
it.

this quote came to mind as i headed back in
the house:

'if she really believed it -
if she really trusted it -
well, then, it was time
she really lived it.'

and i think that right there, had me tired.

i sat down to type a blog and stopped over
at my friend's blog first. to check on
her and her husband...

she finished her blog post with this:

When we first started this journey
(which now seems like a life time ago)
they had told me that there was NO cure
for this cancer....but they also told me
that the cancer would not kill him....
something else would....I guess in some
ways I did not grasp that....
I do now...
---------------

i look out my window on this gorgeous day.
i have everything.

'if she really believed it -
if she really trusted it -
well, then, it was time
she really lived it.'

that shouldn't make me tired.

and i can tell you exactly why it did.
cause i didn't have gratitude.
i just saw work for myself.
and i didn't feel gratitude.

i realize that now.
i walked without it.
that's rare for me.
and i don't like it when it's missing.

her post brought me to my senses.

i realize how lucky i am....and i so want
to give to this friend of mine and help her
and her husband. and i don't know how.

one thing comes to mind....
i can live my day with gratitude and joy.
i can see the beauty around me.
and i can live fully.

part of me thinks that so lame....
and part of me thinks that it's so cool....

hmmmmm.....

woe.
i took a turn into a folder in my email box.

some notes i've saved from that guy of mine.
and no, they weren't all sweet and mushy.

one thing i really treasure between us is the
respect we have for each other and the
willingness to put things out there for each
other that aren't always easy.

woe.
well i read a note from him where he was so
frustrated with me i could feel it buzzin'
thru the wires still.

and he called me on something.

and at the time, i didn't understand it.
but interestingly enough, i saved it.
i love that i saved it.
it easily coulda been ditched.

we worked thru whatever it was we had to
work thru....

but as i read that note today i really saw
his point.

i really saw the thing he was tryin' to tell
me to deal with.

and he was/is dead on right.

now i sit here thinking about it and tryin'
to put into into context with the blogs
below....about accepting the parts of me.

if i look at this on a shallow level,
i can say that if i don't get rid of this
part, it will kill my chances at flying.

but on a deeper level, i have GOT to
understand this part. until i do, i'm stuck.

it's not about getting rid of it.

i have got to understand it, hold it, have
compassion towards it....and then add it to
the team i speak of in this morning's blogs.

instead,
what i do now is let it come out and take over.
there's no team work involved.
it takes over all of me and runs the show.

big sigh here.

i'm tryin' to figure out what it can do
positive for the team? what does it give me?

at first i drew a total blank.....and then
i saw it all too clear....

i do believe it requires me to believe in
my value and believe in others seeing that
value also. it demands me to trust.

it MAKES me stand there.

because apparently, i don't stand there without
a lot of struggle.

maybe it actually is helping me.
and incorporating it into the group instead of
letting it lead at times.....
well....that could change everything, couldn't it?

now.
how the heck do i do that?

not ready to fly yet..

i figured out today...
whatever 'stepping into my power' means...
i've got to do that before i fly.

so, okay....

i keep working...
and maybe butterfly woman has some answers
for me......

what is power?

my gosh do i feel the pot brewing and
bubbling....but i honest to pete don't
know much what to do with it.

walkin'. thinkin'.
thoughts everywhere.

when this thought pops right on thru....

you not only have to see yourself,
you not only have to know your strength...
you have to STEP INTO YOUR POWER.

gulp.

okay.
first of all.
seeing myself.
yeah, repeating theme.

been asking the last few days to see.
to really see.

i find that SO HARD.

so i get stuck on number one.
but i've made progress. and i hold on
to that.
step two.....know your strength.....
progess again. much progress in the last
few months.

but the third part....
that's a brand new thought for me.

step into my power?!
how the heck do i do that??
and WHAT is power?!

and that question right there made me
realize that there's a whole area i need
to look at.

what is power?
what is a strong woman?
a POWERFUL woman?

i don't have answers.
but some thoughts came in pretty fast....

and the thought about being okay with all
the parts of me, having compassion for the
hurt parts....allowing them their place...
that came to me.

you don't have to not have any weak points,
you don't have to have perfection....
you have to work with all those parts and
use them as part of your power.

maybe power is sittin' in a circle with all
your parts and seein the value of each one.
acknowledging the piece of the puzzle each
part is, how each part can contribute something.
and then combining those somethings with
awareness and love. maybe power is taking
that combination into each moment of your day.

stepping into my power.

hmmmmm.........i've got to call a meeting
first.....maybe a few.

body issues.....

i got sidetracked this morning over at
chantal's blog. ohhhh ho ho......
i've got another one for you!

i read this and the tears started flowing.
the timing is amazing to me as i just
got a note from a male friend questioning
me on my body issues.

i am sending him this link.
it's one of chantal's blog entries...
and it's incredible.

i keep thinking about this subject.
i want to work with it and offer something,
but how do i do that when i haven't overcome
the problem myself?!

chantal definitely has my mind rollin'
this morning.....

chantal.....see your beauty today. i sure
see it.

a friendship break

we sat outside on this gorgeous day
takin' a break together.

sometimes i wish i could record our
conversations.

i know i can leap into any wacko
thought i'm having in my head and
she'll be fine with it.

and so i leapt.
and she was fine.
and then she leapt.
and i was fine.
and we laughed and we opened
our eyes big in wonder of what
lay ahead for us....
and we just enjoyed each other.

i don't think i could live without
cool women in my life....

bowled over....

what a privilege to know the women i do.
altho...i don't 'know' heidi or her daughter
in real life. just know heidi a bit thru her
blog and a few emails.

i am completely bowled over by heidi's post
and her daughter's poem.

you absolutely must go read this.....

heidi's blog.

by the way, heidi, i forgot to mention...
that photo is stunning...

life is cool...

life is so cool.
was just helping someone with a bone sigh
question and typing out a quote for her.

this quote:

'she awoke one day and realized
all these steps she had taken
were like labor pains.
the sorrow and the grief and
the confusion were her contractions.
all leading to the birth
of the woman she had become.'


i stopped and sat with it.
yeah. that's happened.
and now the woman she had become
wants to fly.

that's the next stage.....

and i thought how cool this whole
weird, hard, wonderful journey is.....

compassion

i keep thinking of that boulder.
(see posts below)

it's been weighing heavy on me.
i guess boulders will do that.
that's the nature of boulders.

but why would i take a boulder and
tie it to myself?

okay.
worse.
why would i take something that's
NOT a boulder and change it into
one??

okay.
worse.
why would i take something that's
not only NOT a boulder....but a
nugget of gold and make it a boulder??

why indeed.

because there's something that runs
thru me so quietly and so sneakily
that it becomes so powerful. and it
causes a lot of turmoil inside me.

it's ALMOST more powerful than my
desire to love. it ALMOST wins out
at crucial times.

but it doesn't.

but it's powerful enough to set me back,
to weigh me down, to keep me from going
where i want to go....to keep me from
flying.

i think the enlightened answer on how
to deal with that streak is to embrace it,
to love it, to pat it on the head, and then
to send it away.
over and over again.
until it doesn't return.

i haven't once done that.

until this morning. and i realized....i left
something out. compassion.
i need compassion for that streak.

i felt it this morning.
and then sent it off in a different direction.

and the compassion is what i felt like i
needed desperately.

i think i'm gonna have to do some visualizations
with compassion.

yeah.......

a gathering of remarkable images....

i had a strange moment this weekend....
while i can easily do visualizations
as i walk to work with things going on
inside of me, i never have images just
pop in my mind at odd times.

and sure enough.
my eyes were closed, and i saw....
okay...i feel weird typin' it out......
i really do.....
but um.....i can't explain all this without
it.

so all of a sudden an eye popped into my
view as my eyes were closed.
right there.
bam.
one eye.
looking at me.
it wasn't scary freaky or icky....
it was just this eye staring straight at me.
intense.

it caught my total attention and i thought
woe.....what's that about and so i concentrated
to see if there was more there.

no other eye. just the one.
and it was there long enough for me to stare
back at it.

and then it was gone.
but it certainly made an impression.
i can still see it.

the thought of it popped into my mind
pretty soon after i saw the rope and the
boulder around my neck on my walk (see blog below)
and i thought of images and things i work with.

and then suddenly, i felt like all these parts
of me and symbols were combining somehow.
somehow i feel like there's a gathering.
like parts of myself are gathering.

there's all the ter's i work with. i could
see them. there's the river of strength i've
been feeling and working with, there's butterfly
woman, the box of snakes that i let go, the
empty box, the feeling of the snakes, there's
the rope with the boulder sitting there, and
there's an eye in the mix of it all....

i know i sound like an absolute weirdo lunatic....
but i honestly feel like it matters.
and i don't know why.

so i put it out here to record the journey.
and see if it comes up again and where it will
take me.

i want to fly.
i figured out that sentence is just another way
of saying i want to love.
it's the same thing to me.

i really really want to fly. for real.
and sometimes i feel like i'll never be able to
pull all the snakes off or put all the boulders
down....or change it all into other forms.

this morning i felt so strongly that this is up
to me. that i'm in this alone. that no one can
do this for me. and that me and all my parts
have a job to do.

and i honestly felt like preparing to fly....
was what i was sposed to be doing right now.

how do we fly?

bouncin' on the trampoline this morning
turned into a weird kinda praying on the
trampoline this morning.

woe. i know.
strange.

but it was as if something unhooked or
popped open or something and this flood
of feelings came pouring out. and the
feeling of wanting to just open my eyes
and see....and fly.....overwhelmed me.

heading out on my walk, i went to the
image of butterfly woman. (an image i
now consider part of me....she's referenced
in past blogs)....

she's not the sticky folded-in image
anymore....she's dry, ready for flight,
just not ready to take off yet.

how?
how do we fly?

and then immediately this image of a heavy
rope around my neck tied to a boulder popped
into my mind.

oh.
well.
that won't do.
and i slipped it right off.

i knew what it was.
and slipped it right off...

the deal here is not to walk around with
boulders around my neck if i want to fly.

it came off easily.
do i put the boulder over here nearby?
or do i get rid of it?

and then it occurred to me......
the boulder is only a boulder cause i made
it one.
it coulda been a neck tie.
it coulda been a necklace.

but i made it a boulder.
and i realized that when i was bouncin'
and prayin'....i was prayin' in my own
weird way for me to change the boulders into
something else.

and that change is up to me.
it's not about anybody or anything.
it's up to me.

am i ready to fly?

the turtles WERE there.....

he said he used to have a crush on me.
who knew?
i sure didn't.

he said he used to go to the creek with
me to look for turtles just to be with
me.

i laughed. no way. i don't remember that
at all.

josh laughed.
said nothing's changed. she's still the
same way. goes looking for turtles in
the wrong places and doesn't realize
people care.

funny.
i defended myself with the turtles.
saying they WERE down there.
i DID look for them in the right place.
(i love turtles)

but the people caring part....
i didn't address.

i wonder why that's hard for people to hold?
it's not just me.
it's people.

and i wonder why.

reunions....

we sat around the tables for hours
joking and laughing and remembering.

i would look at each one of them and
listen to what they were saying but
would get side tracked as they talked.

my mind would just stop and think
'wow, he's a grown man now.'

they're teenagers in my mind. guys
i grew up with.

not men with grown up lives.

but nope.
there they were.
men with grown up lives.
altho, i still caught glimpses of the teens.

i asked one of them if he felt the same.
he said no.
he felt completely different.

and ya know....i do and i don't.
so much of me is the same.
i can see the same temperament, the same
traits.

one remembered me as really self conscious.
i laughed.
that hasn't changed either.

but some of the stuff that really needed
growing....the belief in myself, the belief
in my value....
THAT stuff has changed. for the better.

it's like that stuff has blended with the
other.....
like i'm growin' the parts that i think should
be stronger.

and so i'm not really changing....i'm just kinda
growing in a different shape or something.

and i saw that sitting there with them.
and i liked it.

sitting there i saw a lifetime of where i'd
been....and i saw a lifetime of where i wanted
to go.

it was the coolest birthday present ever.

before the u turns...

again, i stopped at my friend's blog on
my way here. and again, i am humbled by
what she and her husband are going thru.

i didn't realize his illness is from
agent orange.

i stopped when i read that and put my
head in my hands.....

the red tape and lack of responsibility
is exactly what you'd expect. something
i knew about already...but have trouble
stomaching when i'm reading about a friend
trying to deal with it all as she deals with
her sick husband.

she talks about the importance of doing
what you love and care about as you don't
know what u-turns are coming in your own
life.

big heavy sigh.

yeah.

and i think that's a perfect message for
me this weekend as i celebrate turning 48.

my gosh it goes so fast....
grab what you can....and just as importantly...
give what you can.

it matters.
___________

*pattie's blog....scroll past her kind mention
of a bone sigh and read about what this lady
deals with on a daily basis.

feelin' bowled over

my elderly neighbor just gave yo yo a cake
to give to me. she had it decorated just
for me........

i cried.

there's been flowers, and gifts, and notes
and calls......

i'm off to go play all day.
see old friends.
hang with my sons.

i am headin' into the day feelin' like
the luckiest person alive.

feelin' the sacredness of all this love.

and i can't think of anything else to say.
seems like that's enough.

a life time goal....

it prolly isn't fair to enjoy your birthday this
much before it's even hit! but i am loving it so
much.

the coolest thing is the gifts from friends that
are from their loves.

a writer friend gave me some of her writing,
a musician friend gave me some of her music,
things like that....

pieces of themselves.
they're giving me pieces of themselves.

as i walked around the yard planting seedlings
that josh had grown for me, i thought about how
loved i felt. how incredibly loved people were
making me feel.

i see how totally important and wonderful that is.

i want to give that back.
so much so.

i want to let everyone i love know how much i care.

and then i think of all the different stories
and all the different relationships, and all the different
ways in which i would show it.

think that would be one really cool life time goal.
don't ya think?

to give it all back.

giving me the sky

we all grabbed lunch together.

i was confused as to why he didn't head out
in the morning to go hunting. that's what
i thought the plan was......

ohhhhh turns out that was just a cover for
the REAL plan.....

but the weather changed things.

he said he wasn't sure he would tell me what
he was giving me until he gave it to me.
he was afraid i'd back out. not do it.

okay. that made me nervous.
is it scary? i asked.
a little he said.

okay. thanks, but no thanks.
don't want it.

lots of bantering from the guys.

lots of teasing from him about trusting him.

okay. okay.
i'm open. i'm trusting. i'm willing.

what is it??
(i'm scared!!)

and then he told me......

we're goin' on an airplane ride!
one of those small planes....up in the sky.

soon. maybe this weekend...depends on the
weather.

and i gulped.

there's nothing i want more than to be in
the sky.

and i am scared.
and i am sooooo excited.

and i'm so grateful.

he's giving me the sky for my birthday.

how cool is that?!
feelin' like the luckiest person alive....

could be cool....

read this last nite and nodded:

'at midlife, nothing less is being asked
of us than that we question all of the beliefs
that seemed to hold true during the first half
of our life.'
(awakening at midlife)


oh great, i thought.
grinned. and then smiled a full smile.
what the heck.
this could be way way cool.

a birthday present for you...

i love the idea of giving presents on MY
birthday! we ALL get to celebrate!
so okay, i'm a day early....but we're celebrating
all month! and it IS birthday EVE.

i offer you one of my all time favorite
quotes ever. hang on to your chair as this one
will knock you out of it.


'the day will come when,
after harnessing the winds,
the tides, and gravitation,
we shall harness for God
the energies of love.
and on that day,
for the second time in the
history of the world,
man will have discovered fire.

-pierre teilhard de chardin


i offer that as my birthday present.
bowing down to you....and the universe...

time

i sat on the floor of my studio this morning
surrounded by my high school yearbooks.
oh my.

tomorrow i'm seein' two old, old friends.
they go back to JUNIOR high school. haven't
seen them in a million years.

one i knew more than the other....
but since facebook has been invented, it
doesn't matter. i feel like i know them
both now.

they both have such a great streak of
playfulness in them, so they've won my heart.
anyone who will play and goof with me is
my buddy!

in between the goofing has been the catchin'
up on life...some of the harder stuff has
come out.
there's been divorces, and struggles, and
health issues.

these two guys have stirred up so many thoughts
and so much reflection recently.

i cannot think of a better thing to do on
my birthday but to meet up with them and
kinda have the past meet present. reflect
on where we've been and where we're goin'.

sit around and laugh with them and watch my
boys interact with the men who i remember
as zakk's age.

wow, will that be strange.

that was a lotta worlds ago.
not even just one world ago.
but a lotta worlds ago.

and yet that history that i share with
these guys bonds us all.

it's just the neatest thing.

time.
it's always confused my mind.

celebratin'

i just came to post some silly blogs about
celebrating my birthday. i love my birthday
and celebrate all month and goof and tease
and milk it for all it's worth.

when i got over here, i saw an update on a
friend's blog who's husband is real sick.
i stopped to read it.

they're having one heck of a time journeying
down his road of cancer....

wow.
okay.
so how can i come goof about my birthday
and all the silliness? it feels so shallow
and selfish....

but then the thought hit....
you're healthy right now, ter.
celebrate it.

cause if that ever gets lost, you want to
remember the fun and know you lived with
zest.

i really really felt it after reading
my friend's post.

i'm so lucky right now.
and knowing that, seeing that, appreciating
that and grabbing that is really the best
birthday stuff i can do.

the actual birthday is tomorrow. but i've
been celebrating all month, and hittin' high
speed this week! and loving every second of it.

the perspective just deepened this morning.
and that right there felt like a gift.

smilin', celebratin, and feelin' grateful....

loving someone

he hurt her beyond repair.
is that possible?
yeah.
i think in a way it is.
at least if you just count this
lifetime.

and yet loving her requires loving him.

is that possible?

i never thought i could.
never even tried.

yet truly loving her is requiring kindness
towards him on my part.

kindness.

how do i reach kindness. real kindness.
sincere, authentic kindness?

how do i reach beyond the anger, rage,
hatred to find some sense of caring?

reaching as far as i can into his depths
i try to find understanding.
i try to find forgiveness.

i try to believe in love.

and once again loving someone brings me
to doors i never thought i could even knock
on.

can i love so truly that i'll be able to
enter those doors?

he shows me clearly

how trapped he is.
stuck inside his cage of his own making.
trying to reach out a little here and
a little there....
to him they feel like major stretches.
to the world around him, they turn into
annoyances and disappointments.

he shows me clearly how it's up to us
to live. it's up to us to disassemble
the cage.

it's up to us to run after the good
stuff and catch up with it all winded
and holler 'i want in! i'm coming aboard!'

it's up to us to leave the cage behind.

listening, watching, living

we sat talking and she told us of where
she was heading....

emotions ran thru me.

losing someone again....
someone i had really started to love...
that came thru.

but over riding that was knowing it was
right. that she would go where she needed
to go.

i remembered a bone sigh i wrote years ago.

'she would sacrifice what she had to
to go where she needed.'

i understood what was going on inside of her.
i could feel it when she talked, and i
recognized it in the sound of her voice.

i felt honored to watch her follow
her journey and to have been part of it.

i knew what she was sharing was from her
depths.

i'll feel the loss, that i know.
but knowing it's right seems to change
everything.

i thought of other losses i've grieved...
when they didn't make sense to me, i think
i grieved more. hurt more. fought more.

i think that's interesting.

why do i feel it needs to make sense to me?
when will i give that idea up?

that's part of the beauty of it all...
the fact that it's mystery.

and mixed in the mystery are moments i'm
clear enough to see the sacredness of it all.

for someone out there....

'memories flood in...
regrets tug in one direction...
joys tug in another...
how do you hold a lifetime in your hands?
and what do you do now?
maybe you do the only thing that
ever really mattered -
you love.
you offer love.
you give love.
you receive love.
you breathe love.
you live love.
you love.'

finding a loving way....

ya know....
darn if every stinking thing isn't about love.

i sit here thinking about my neighborhood and
progress and greed and all that stuff and
tryin' to sort thru acceptance and such....

when i turn to deal with something i didn't
know how to deal with.

a situation has come up that i thought required
me to make a decision. and i was stumped.
i wanted it to be healthy and loving, but i just
wasn't sure which way was healthy and loving.
sometimes it's not real clear to me.

and then it occurred to me.
i don't need to make a decision.
HE does.

so i wrote him.
and told him EXACTLY what was running thru
my mind.
told him the different takes on the situation
i had, the different voices giving different
opinions runnin' thru my brain. the weaknesses
i had in the situation.
and then i laid it at his feet.

i didn't try to read his mind, judge his life,
guess his motives....

i just laid it all out there.

here.
you take this.
and tell me what you want to do with it.

and i'll accept that and go from there.

and THAT felt the most loving to me.
and THAT felt the most honest to me.

sometimes i wonder if it's all as easy as
just being honest and straight with someone.

jeesh.
go figure.

just haven't found it yet....

what a gorgeous morning!
even with the trucks lumbering by
constantly.
it was NOT a quiet walk.
but that's okay as i grabbed yo
and wouldn't be thinking much anyway.

one of the supervisors stopped us.
asked me about the pictures i was
taking yesterday.

i took some of the trees and my yard.
i don't know why he asked...
think maybe just to make contact.
think he's tryin' to keep peace in
the neighborhood.

so we talked.
he told me 'it's gonna be a big mess
out here.'

oh great.

i told him i knew.
and told him that my heart was breaking
over it. and that i was trying not to
hate him or any of the other guys out here.

he talked about not being the bad guy.

ahhh....but he sat in his really nice
truck, with his really fancy gold chains
around his neck, his fancy gold rings....

and i tried hard not to judge him and to
see him as a person....

i asked him if his heart was breaking just
a little bit.

interesting.
don't think so.

he didn't say yes and he said that i had
to admit that the road hadn't been touched
in forty years.

i just looked at him, and said....
'my heart's breaking over this.'

and waved goodbye.

as i walked away i thought 'he IS the bad guy.'
and i had to stop myself.

no he's not.

no he's not.

jeesh it's tough to be mature sometimes.
i just want to hate all of them.

grin.

i know better.

and so i ask myself how can i learn love thru this?

hmmmmmm........

i haven't figured it out yet.
it's much easier to forgive the little guys....
but the supervisors are tougher for me....

and i know it's gonna be even more cloudy when i
seem my oak fallin'.......

but i'm sure it's in here somehow.....

rice cake information

figured it was time for a totally light,
thoughtless post.....

i just ate a whole buncha rice cakes.
oh wow.

who knew?!

you can actually eat TOO many rice cakes.

so i take it back....this isn't thoughtless....
it's totally important.....

always watch how many rice cakes you eat.
you CAN over do it.

for us all.....

someone wrote a note to me....
told me about my bone sighs in the
hospital...a psychiatric hospital...
and how they helped.

it brought back big time memories.
a friend of mine was in a psych place
for a bit and i would visit her.

i brought bone sighs too.

i've seen the pain there.
i've felt it. walked among it.
and was totally rattled by it.

she told me how my words touched the
place she had been in.

i cried as i read the note.
i remembered the place i had seen...

and i bowed my head in gratefulness.

i honestly with my whole heart think
if we all just offer what is inside
us, we can touch the world.

i didn't know that when i started.
but i'm learning.

just offer you.
and let the rest just happen.

what is inside us matters.
it's not what's inside one or two...
it's what's inside us all.

over and over i'm reminded to open my heart
and offer it.......

what an incredible thing to try to do....

it'll be okay

there were trucks everywhere this morning.
the neighborhood was positively buzzing.

they've been behind, i think. not on
schedule. at least, i thought the trees
would be down long before now.

they've marked with their spray paint...
way further up than i thought they'd be....
and each morning i see those marks and cringe.

as they kept driving by this morning, i felt
how tense i was. i don't want them to do this
to my neighborhood.

i made a point of looking at every single one
of these guys wanderin' around my neighborhood.

i don't want to hate them. it's not them.
and so i looked at each one and smiled and said
hello.

and i walked faster to walk the fear out of me.

fear of having everything different and hating it.
fear of losing trees i love and feeling so sad.
fear of change.

amazing how the buzzing of those trucks made
my insides buzz......

i came home and dug up a plant i wanted to keep.
replanted it closer to the house. put my hands in
the wet dirt....

it'll be okay, i told the plant....and myself.

one step at a time

walkin'. thinking about a note i got this morning.
someone misunderstood my playing and my teasing
and didn't quite know what to do with it.

when i read the note, my eyes got wide and i thought
'ohhhhhh noooooooooo he doesn't know i'm playing!"
so i typed it all out for him.

what i found so interesting about this was my
reaction to it. it was no problem, and didn't really
surprise me that he didn't get it and that was
really the end of it.

but if that exact same note came from a different
person, and i pictured it from two different people
in my life.....i would been hurt to the core.
really bummed and struggled for days to get a grip
on it.

hmmmmmmm......
isn't that interesting.

so i thought about that.

why?

there were obvious reasons....
i'm not so attached to what he thinks.
i don't expect any more from him.
i know he's dead wrong and projecting
his own stuff on it.

hmmmmmm......

so then i put it on these other people.
all three of those reasons SHOULD be
the same feelings i have with them.
they are what i would answer from my head,
anyway....

obviously there's some strings there
that go beyond my head.

and yes, they are people who've played
important roles in my life and people i
wish things would have been different with.

so that's got to weigh in.

but i think it's more than that.

i think that somewhere deep down it's all
about self doubts.

even if they didn't show up with this one
guy this morning.....the fact that they'd
show up with other people means they're there.

it's not about them. it's about me.

so. okay.
great.
now what?

i understand this. i can try to think thru
it all i want. but my reactions will be
my reactions when things happen.

won't they???

well, yes and no.

maybe the preventative maintenance isn't the
thinking thru it all......maybe it's going
right to the root.

and once again.......it's self love.

the stronger that is..........the stronger
i am. the less impact this stuff would have
on me no matter who said it.

and once again i scratch my head.
how DOES one get stronger in self love??

one affective way i've found so far is to look
back at who i've been....and see that person....
and see the beauty there.

i haven't been able to take that to the present
yet. but i've got so i can do the past.

one step at a time, ya know?
one step at a time......

gratefully

it was the perfect mother's day.
felt close to each one of these apes.
it was way cool.

there was a moment that put every moment
of the day in perspective for me.

at one point, i sat in josh's studio
and he showed me an email exchange he
had with a guy who lost his mom a few
years ago.

his mom was one of the heads of our
homeschooling group and she just took
to josh the moment she met him. they
had a really cool relationship. there
were some moving stories that happened
between her and josh as she went thru
her final stages of leukemia. there was
one moment i witnessed between them that
i will never forget.

and hers was the first up close and
personal death that josh experienced.

as i sat and read this exchange between
my son and hers, the tears came to my eyes.

i thought of how much it would mean to this
woman to know josh reached out to her son.
and her son's response was equally as
impressive.

two young men with such good hearts.
one mom who was sorely missed, and one
mom lucky enough to be here to watch.

the day had already been everything i could
have asked for.
that just was the topper in reminding me
to hold it gently.

and gratefully.

kid inspired

not sure how many this is gonna be....
but thought i'd go ahead and post the
bone sighs i've written for my kids since
i started bone sighs......thought that
would be a cool way to honor the day....


my son

i watched him carry the spider out
of the house.
talking to it as he walked.
he had no idea how brightly his
heart shone to me at that moment.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

my rock god

if you cringe when you look his way,
you haven't seen him -
it's not in the hair, the clothes,
the earring.
look again.
it's in his eyes. his hands.
his heart.
look at him and rejoice in
the Life you see.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

at fourteen

i see him coming into his own every day.
rejoicing in his growth, strength, abilities...
keep seeing it, my son....
keep seeing it.
rejoice in it and always know
that you are special.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

beanie

he's full of energy, thoughts
and ideas.
the thinking never stops.
nor does his heart.
the loving spirit tumbles out of him ~
and he melts my heart so easily.
>>>>>>>>

a child

determined to ease his burden,
she was forced to drop her own.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

birth

she was telling him about giving birth~
"one of the most amazing things about it is
you have to totally trust thru the worst pain.
all you can do is release control and trust."
she stopped and stared at him.
the tears came.
"i guess that's not just during birth,
is it?" she asked, reaching for his hand.
>>>>>>>>>>>>

her son

she listened to their struggle with pain
at first.
and then amazement.
she watched her son become a man.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

your truth

it is your truth.
your power.
your soul.
guard it with all you have.
don't let anyone's misconceptions steal it.
including your own.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

the magic stool

they talked late into the nite -
never looking at each other.
for it wasn't themselves they were looking for,
but what came thru them.
>>>>>>>>>>>>

travels

do you really think i can do it? he asked.
there are no limits, she said.
none.
when you truly trust - deep down
"you trust no matter what" trust,
the limits fade away
and you travel to unknown places.
there's just one thing you need to decide.
do you really want to travel?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

he's eighteen

i always thought it was that you changed my
world and made it brighter -
but i just figured it out -
it's me you change and make brighter
and in so doing,
my entire universe shines
>>>>>>>>>>>

for robert

she loved it when he laughed.
his whole being lit up
and the room turned brighter.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

for dean

when they shared a cozy warm blanket and a book,
life just felt good.
>>>>>>>>>>>

yo

yeah, his muscles were big
but his heart was bigger.
and she loved his heart.
it was the most beautiful thing about him.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

growing into

he was nearing her height rapidly -
his features changing,
his thoughts deepening.
it didni't make her sad he was growing up -
he made her proud he was growing into.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

his son

she watched him talk with his son,
the gentleness in his voice filled her heart.
will his love now be enough to heal
those past scars?
she prayed it would.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

he doesn't even know

she heard him speak his truth.
his strength inspired her.
his insights amazed her.
his kindness astounded her.
he was everything she wanted to be.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

my guys

always there when I need you…
forever making me laugh…
pushing me to stretch
and opening my pools of giving –
you teach me.
and it is in your very presence that
i become gratitude.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

you can be anything

you can be anything.
you are whole and beautiful.
to teach them that,
I had to live it.
in living it, I became it.
and once again, it is my children
who give me life.
>>>>>>>>>>

guts

I wish I had the guts you do,
I told my son.
you do, mom. came his reply.
and I will now
because of his belief in me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

gathering time

it was the gathering time again –
the time when love showed up all at once –
with laughter, whispers, and even tears,
warming the house with its fullness.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
my gentle giant

there is a kindness
that you carry around
gently…quietly.
when I look your way,
the light shining out of
your eyes takes my breath
away.

>>>>>>>>>>>>
zakk

even quiet and still,
your energy radiates out of you.
the world is yours for the taking...
>>>>>>>>>

bowing to the universe with tears in
my eyes for the gift of my sons.......
happy mother's day.

mother and child/ my kids

'i look at you and see reflections of me.
i look again and i've disappeared.
you're part of me and i'm part of you.
we are co-mingled and yet stand alone.
there is no other miracle quite like
a mother and child.'




'they know me in a way no one else ever has.
they open me to things i never knew existed.
they drive me to insanity and push me
to my depths.
they are the beat of my heart,
the pulse in my veins,
and the energy in my soul.
they are my kids.'

weekend quotes for you!

got some awesome quotes outta my midlife book.
well...not MY midlife book.
grin.
kathleen brehony's midlife book~!!

she was quoting others here and i loved
what she grabbed!
thought i'd share:

'in this life we cannot do great things.
we can only do small things with great love.'
-mother teresa


and

'love is the only way to grasp another human
being in the innermost core of his personality.'
-v. frankl

ohhhhhhhh awesome.

and then......ms. emily dickinson...
' then sunrise kissed my chrysalis -
and i stood up- and lived -'

woe.
she totally rocks.

and for the finale! from carlos castaneda's
don juan:
'look at every path closely and deliberately.
try it as many times as you think necessary.
then ask yourself and yourself alone one
question. this question is one that only
a very old man asks. my benefactor told me
about it once when i was young and my blood
was too vigorous for me to understand it.
now i do understand it. i will tell you
what it is: does this path have a heart?
if it does, the path is good. if it doesn't
it is of no use.'


:)
i love these.
i love this book.
it's been a few weeks since i've had time
to pick it up.......
i've missed it.

mother's day weekend.....

the mother's day gifts just keep coming.

an incredibly fun nite last nite playin'
poker with the guys. i usually stay out of
their poker games. way too serious for me.
and i want to just play and laugh and bet
millions of chips.

well, i guess they wanted to play too cause
they asked me in and we sat around carryin'
on and laughin' and goofin' the nite away.
it was so fun.

when i went to bed, i felt like i had just
had my mother's day.

and then this morning......i come down to
a note from my guy's son asking me for advice
on eating better.

huh???

and he actually called me 'ter'....it's
always been terri. which of course, is my name.
grin.
and he should call me terri.

but i think somewhere along the way he saw my
friends call me ter....and there he was asking
ter for veggie advice.

wow.

this may not seem like a miracle to anyone else.
but i about fell thru the floor. i looked up at
the sky and said 'i DO believe in miracles!'

it made me sit back and think of this incredibly
long road he and i have traveled together.
and then i thought of all the boys and i had
been thru.....

and i thought of mother's day.......

it is quite a job, bein' a mother, isn't it?
and the kids seem to think you know what you're
doin' all the time.....if they only knew!

and nah, i'm not my guy's kids' mom by a long
shot....but i've tried hard to give them something
they've needed...and it's definitely been on
the motherly/nurturing scale. and i thought
how great it was i got that note this morning.

i think the most amazing thing about being a mom
is how the kids grow me. they have added so many
dimensions to who i am....

people comment on what i've done for them....
but just as equal to me, is what they've done for me.

they have been the ones who were the reason
i held on to knowing that there was love in
the world when i wasn't sure it existed.

they have been inspiration, roots, soul to me.

they have been so much more than i could ever tell
them.......

and i honestly think i'm the luckiest mom in the
whole world.

how cool is that?

what a great feeling to be holding this mother's
day weekend.

my mother's day gift......

so we sat around the kitchen table havin' lunch.
i waited til we were all together to throw some
stuff by them. i like to hand them things i'm
thinking about and see if we can all learn
a little psychology thru it.

they tease about psychology class a lot.

so i threw it out there and sat back and watched.

it was awesome.

zakk spoke right up.

okay.
first of all....
that in itself is a miracle.
it's rare he's the first to speak.

he immediately said he thought i had a blind
spot with this issue.

i loved it.
i knew if he was sayin' this it was important.

i looked at him and said 'great, i want to see.
my way of seeing will be to argue the point.
that gonna be okay?'

he agreed.

and he laid it out for me.
it was awesome.

i agreed. didn't even have to argue. said he
was dead on right. but help me with this over
here cause this fuzzes it all up for me...
and so we went thru some strings and complications.

it was so cool.

his brothers chimed in. and we all hashed thru.

we finish. yo speaks up.
'i want to know my blind spots.'

and so we went around the table.
everyone pointing out each other's blind spots.
non threatening.
and we talked about them.

i listened to the insights they gave, the
way they presented stuff to each other...
and the honest to goodness wanting to see
what was goin' on with themselves.

it was so darn cool.
there was bantering and teasing,
a lot of love....
and some real looking.

it was something that couldn't have happened
if there was anyone else in the room.

i knew that.
i knew that what was going on right then
was something that was precious.
that was built between the four of us.
for the four of us.

and that right there.....was my mother's
day gift. a little early...but i'll be holding
it all weekend.

and they had no idea....

one heck of a question....

i think this is too big for my head right now...
not sure i can fit it in a blog. but will try...

walkin'. thinkin'.

i honestly believe a whole lot of what is called
love is nothing more than sick needs.
yeah.
how's that for a cheery outlook?

when i first started searchin', i was convinced
it all was sick needs.
but i don't believe that any more.
i do think there's some healthy love out there.
but i think a whole lot of it is unhealthy and not
love at all.

but is called love anyway.
and it causes some major confusion and hurt.

thinking this morning of people i see as unhealthy.
and how they operate.
it bothers me and i don't want to play the game.

but i went deeper this morning.
thought of WHY they play the game.

and i could see clearly that they need to feel
loved so badly and these ways are ways that make
them feel like they get it.

i see it as giving up who they really are, losing
a lifetime of growing, learning how to manipulate
and lie instead of moving towards honesty and
genuine relationships.

but honestly, i think that's all they know and
that they need that feeling of being loved in that
form so badly that they cannot change.

so.
where does that leave people around them?

where does that kinda thing leave people all around
other people who have unhealthy needs and unless
they get them met, they feel unloved?

how does a person interact with unhealthy love in
a loving way?

shoot.
that is one heck of a question, isn't it?

i see it all around me with friends and their lives
me and my life, people i hear about. it's everywhere.
we all have this question to face.

so i'm thinking the answer's got to be about me.

it's got to be about who i am.

everything i do has got to be with the purpose of
honoring who i am.

and the oddest answer comes to mind.

speaking my truth in every situation.

hmmmmm. go figure.
could it be that easy?

can i say something like 'i feel funny about this.
it doesn't feel like love to me and i want to offer
love. this is the way it feels right to me. so i want
to let you know that this is what i'll do. and i want
you to know that to me this is loving you.'

oh wow.

could i ever get that clear and straight?

i can actually see doing that in some situations.
and then in others i can see being closed down so
fast and shut out.

but then again....
maybe that's okay.
maybe that's not my choice.

maybe the only choice i can make is putting my
truth out there. and letting everyone else make
their choice from there.

i think that's prolly it.

i've done that a little bit. i've been growin' in
that direction.
i see more growth ahead tho....

in one way it makes me nervous.
in one way it makes me smile....
how totally empowering to do your best to offer what
you feel is healthy and let everyone choose if they
want it or not....and then be okay with their choices.

that would be strength.
that would be integrity.
that would be so awesome........

gearin' into mother's day....

a friend of mine got this vid made for her
for mother's day.
and i had to share it with you!

at the end is a link for you to make it
for a mom you love, so i thought that would
be fun to share as we head in to mother's
day weekend!

but beyond that......this woman who's
mentioned in this goofy vid really is one
heck of a mom.

she's a single mom of two adorable boys.
and i honestly don't know how she pulls off
all that she does.

i've known her for a few years now and
she really has no idea how much i admire her
as a mom.

if anyone's experienced single mom hood,
you know the drill. it's a lot.

but i gotta say....i never had to do the
single mom of little ones. and that's an
entirely different drill.

way way hard.

i wanted to bow to denise tonite.
yeah, i know the vids really fun and silly...
but behind it is a way cool truth.....
that denise rocks.
and her sons are very lucky to have her.

check it out

loving the differences

he leaned back and started tellin' me a story.

i love when he tells stories.

i grabbed a pillow and curled into the couch
to listen. i watched his face close as he
relayed to me what had happened.

i interrupted to get a detail here, ask a
question there....i wanted to get it all straight
in my mind.

we work totally differently so his stories
always intrigue me. i would never think like he
did or act like he did. how'd he figure that out?
wow, that was cool how he saw that coming.
that kinda thing......

when we interact with people we work from
completely different angles.

and we're always amazed at the differences
between us. his story was a total delight
to me because of our differences.

that makes me think of the control freak post
below....

everyone is so different.
and i always thought i was good with that.
could handle that, embrace that.

but when i started dating someone so different,
it's tested that acceptance quite a bit.
stretched me a whole lot......

and continues to do so.

but moments like last nite, curled in on
the couch delighting in his differences,
i'm reminded of what an incredible thing that
is.

and what an incredible thing it is to learn
to allow those differences even when it feels
hard.

we've done a ton of work with that topic....
and as i sit here this morning thinking about it,
i see how far our love has brought us.

i see how loving his differences has brought me
stronger into myself.

go figure.

life is so weird.

those repeat words again

was thinking about control freaks on my walk.

i always say i'm one.....
but on the scale of them, i'm not so bad.
i just really really wish i could time
people's deaths, and take hurts away,
and make the world a better place.

grin.
yeah, that's prolly a control freak.

but not in the way where i need people
to do certain things and be certain things
and stuff like that.

i was watchin' someone recently who was
like that in an extreme way and i was thinking
about it this morning.

i got to thinking of all you miss when you
get in a mindset like that.
of how you can't see anymore because you
can't allow for things to be different than
you want them to be.

'seeing' has been a tremendously important
topic to me for the last 8 years of my life.

i write about it a lot and consider it key
in living an honest life.

and i just cannot figure why you'd want to
live anything but an honest life.

of course, it took me 40 years to figure that
out. but once i 'saw' it....i couldn't stop
seeing it.

once i understood honesty, it was all i wanted.

so in my mind, a life worth living has got to
be filled with seeing.

control is just another way of covering your
eyes. and when you get really way into the
control freak stuff, you've blinded yourself.

i would so like to talk to this person about
this thought....but ah, i can't. because it
would require him seeing that he's a control
freak.

hmmmmm......just doesn't seem to work that way.

so i'll talk to myself about it.
and remind myself that the more i let go and
allow the more i see and the more i live...

honesty. acceptance. allowing.

over and over those words repeat themselves
in my life....