i'm not a fan...

i just finished a steinbeck book.
and i feel liberated.

not because i liked the book.
but because i didn't like it.

i've tried to like steinbeck before.

i've come across two really special
men in my life who are steinbeck fans.
and wanting to relate and bond a bit more
with them, i have read some of his works.

i just finished another. i picked it up
for that very reason. someone dear to me
suggested him to me.

man. i'm just so not into him.
and i'm thinking there's a good possibility
he's a guy's writer.

both guys who have suggested him to me
love his characters. i just can't get into
them.

obviously, he's a great writer.
obviously he has tons to offer people.
obviously gazillions of people appreciate him.

and i'm not one of 'em.

and i'm grinnin' from ear to ear.

see, in my family there was some weird snobbery
i can't even describe.

my dad never read fiction. he would try a classic
here and there, but he just couldn't do it.

and my mom would only read the 'best' of literature.
she's prolly a steinbeck fan.

i always felt like if i didn't like the good stuff,
i was a clod.

and if you could get any sense of the depth of
that stuff runnin' thru my background, it would make
sense why i have never honestly called myself a
writer.

it's some weird icky undercurrent stuff that's
run thru me forever.

and i think that's why i feel liberated today.

i see that it's totally okay not to like steinbeck.

you laugh.
say i'm a pea brain.
of course it's okay , girl.

but i didn't know that all growin' up.

i always thought i was 'less than' with this kinda
thing.

ya know what?
maybe steinbeck just doesn't talk to my heart.

and maybe i wouldn't even like steinbeck in person.

laughin' here.

maybe he was an ol' bore.

or maybe he was a really cool guy who just relates
different to things.

maybe i'd love him in person.

it doesn't matter.

what matters is......i'm okay. and i can like or
dislike whatever feels right.

how come i didn't know that til recently????

the hunk in the stew

all this high school stuff continues.

i rolled my eyes at myself this morning.
of course it does, terri, that's what
you do.

you tinker with stuff.

there's been a lotta facebook contact
between classmates.

that's been a lotta fun and makes me laugh
when i could use a laugh, so i'm enjoyin'
it.

but it does, of course, get me thinking about
my life.....

i realized this morning that i've spent my
40's on my own. my marriage explosion happened
right at 40 and the split up went on forever,
but i see it as from about two weeks after my
40th birthday. i definitely felt on my own.

at first it was so incredibly lonely. scary,
and gosh...just new.

it's not new anymore. it's life. and while i
do have that guy of mine...i still feel on
my own. sometimes it's lonely. sometimes it's
scary. but mostly it's good.

i walked along muddled about a million things
today....but that part seemed real clear.

i like where i've come. i like where i am.

and that is so darn cool.

this high school stuff is actually stirring a lot
up. other stuff goin' on in my life is mixing
into the pot, and i'm a muddled mess....

so finding that hunk in the stew felt really
really good this morning.

will help me with the stirring of the rest of
the stuff, i think.

treadmills....

okay, so i'm thinking this treadmill's gonna
be a life saver.
altho, at some point it's absolutely gotta
move outta zakk's room. altho he managed
to sleep right on thru it this morning!

oh to be a teenager....

took my walk.
really way way muddled thoughts.
all over the place muddled.

saw a turtle crossing the road.

i love those guys! i stopped to move
it across in the direction it was goin'
just way off road. and i found myself
talking to it out loud explaining it was
just like an airplane ride right now and
to sit back and enjoy the ride.

i heard myself talking out loud to this
turtle and it even dawned on me that i'm
a weirdo.

got nowhere inside my head with the walk.
then hit the treadmill. oh man....i can
see how that thing's gonna be good for
mind work.

i got so i could disappear on it today.
almost.

not totally.
but almost.

it was hot so i decided i'd walk to alaska
in my mind....

didn't quite get there, but pretty close.

i'm thinking in a few more days i'm gonna
be crossin' worlds on that thing!

hot dog! a time machine!

an offering to someone i love....an offering to everyone i love....

we talked yesterday.
and earlier today....
you told me you were confused about who you were.

i sit here kinda confused on some stuff myself.

not so much of who i am, i don't think so anyway....
maybe tho.
i don't know.

maybe more of what i believe in.

maybe more of why there's so much sadness so many times.

i tell myself i know the answer to that one.
if things were different with certain things, then there wouldn't
be so much sadness....

i don't know tho.

i read recently 'life is struggle.'
man, they aren't kiddin', are they?

the book also said if we could get comfortable with that idea,
it'd be a lot easier.

sometimes i think i have it. sometimes i think i'm comfortable
with it. and then i hear things like the struggle in your voice,
and i know i'm just kidding myself. i'm not comfortable at all.

i want to help, i want to fix it, i want to take it from you. i want
to help you figure it out. i want to walk thru it with you. and while
you know i'll be boppin' around the edges....i can only go so deep.

that feels weird to me. sometimes i don't think anyone's ever
been deeper in me than you. and i feel like i've been pretty far inside
of you too....and yet.....it's still only the edges i can get to to try to
help you.

i can listen to your stories of your past stuff. i can remember some of
the details you've told me. i can try to help you sort thru all of that....
and i know all of that has brought you to where you are now. to who
you are now.

but all i know is who you are now. and who you've been thru our
friendship. that person i know. and that person i love. and that
is the person i can remind you of. that is the person you're getting
confused on. and i can help you there.

i see a woman who's made it thru so much. who's traveled so far.
who's grown so incredibly tall and strong and yet, who needs to be
able to bend and lean. a woman filled with wisdom and love and
heart. a woman who can touch me so deeply just by being herself.
a friend who teaches me life, who teaches me about myself. a friend
who has cracked my heart wide open and taught me how to love deeper.
a woman that has changed my life. a friend who's hand i hold always.
always.

when you doubt it, when you don't know it, think of that. remember how
much i love you. and hold it.

you know i don't have any of this god stuff down. you know i can't figure
any of it out. but my gosh, i know there's something to the idea that love is
god. the depth of caring, the depth of love....that's somehow tangled up in
god stuff. and that's what i want to throw your way now that it sounds like
you need a life preserver.

a tangled up mess of goddish love stuff.

figures, huh?

all i've ever had to offer you was a tangled up mess of stuff.

picture it.
a tanlged up mess of a woven-sloppy-interlaced-god-love-me-friendship-you-
us-our history-our future-trust-the universe- life preserver.

hold it.
just plain ol' hold it.
don't let it go.

i'm on the other end....

this guy...

i keep thinking of the guy who told me on
our high school tour that he tried to kill
himself twice in high school.

and how i never knew.

i knew him.
slightly.
was always friendly to him.
actually prolly was aware he struggled.
but no more than that.

he posted something on my facebook page about
bein' on the outside lookin' in.

i thought about the reunion.
and yeah, i get it....it's a REUNION, not
therapy.

just wondered what it would be like to sit
everyone in a room and hear some of the real
stories.

not what you do for a living.
not where you live now.

but how you struggled then and where you
went with your struggles.

i know.
i know.
therapy.
no one's gonna do it.

but i think it would be so fascinating.

how about the girl who was totally beautiful and
popular? how about some of the struggles from that
angle of life? that had to carry it's own weights
that the not so beautiful people don't know about.

the obvious misfit stories would carry many not
so obvious thoughts, i'm sure.

i seemed to float in the middle somewhere. fit in
enough to be fine, but felt like an outsider and
certainly never had enough confidence to step into
the with it crowd. how about those struggles? how
about finding your value? where did people find it
along the way? did they find it? do they care?

what makes a crowd with it? what traits did they
all have? how did the feel about that? how do they
feel now? did they value themselves?

what makes a person stop feeling like they're on
the outside looking in and what makes a person
finally get comfortable?

can you imagine hearing some of that from people
you remember as teens?

can you imagine taking some time to honor the pain
that some carried around among us that was so
intense they wanted to die and tried to make that
happen?

i think it would be incredible.
and no....i don't think it will ever happen.

but i do think there's a lotta healing to be done
yet in the world.....
and this guy keeps reminding me of that......

my palace

woe.
a neighbor called yesterday....
wanted to know if the guys wanted a tread mill.

they looked at me with those big eyes....

and now we have a tread mill.

in zakk's room.

and i think it's gonna be sooooo fun!

i want to use it when i'm stressed or down
during the day. just go hop on it and
walk myself outta whatever's bothering me.

i think it might be a really cool inner child
tool! and yeah, i'm laughing as i type that.
but i really do!

what i loved most about getting it was the
attitudes here.

i looked at them when they asked. grinned.
and said 'you know we've got absolutely no
room for it, but of course you can have it.'

zakk volunteered his room.

i walked up to my room, declared i had plenty
of room in mine and it could go in there.

and yo said he could make room in his.

when we moved into this house it looked soooo
big. we came from a tiny tiny town house. so
this was a palace.

over the years, tryin' to fit their hobbies in
has been a challenge.

i had a drum set in my bedroom for years.

there were extra tables in the kitchen with
car engines on them.

there's been entire bands in my den, complete
with all their gear when they'd leave....

there's been scratch stations (dj stuff) in
the living room, circuit boards everywhere,
air compressors in my studio...it'd get so
loud you couldn't make a phone call..
don't forget the model trains.....or all the
model rocket stuff all over the place...
and when zakk was in his computer crazy man
stage we had something like FOURTEEN monitors
set up in his room.
that had to be healthy.

when we had friends over for dinner once and
you couldn't smell dinner, just the motor oil
from the car parts, well.....that felt like
maybe a bit much.

last nite when we were once again shuffling
around to make room, it brought back all the
memories.....

i have stepped over, tripped over, squeezed
around, covered my ears, and breathed in a lot
of their stuff....

there was always room.

looking back now, i'm just so glad there always
was.

it really has made this place a palace.

something in the sky today....

i noticed it right off this morning.
i bumped into my elderly neighbor as i started
my walk. i smiled, stopped to say hello.

she was really really outta sorts.

the kinda outta sorts i just knew i couldn't
do much with. i tried. but she was plenty
upset about the whole world.

i gave her a hug and went on my way.

rounded the corner when my guy called my cell.

i sat down on a drain to say hello.

and it just wasn't too good a conversation.

i hung up the phone and sat there for a second.

as i got up to continue on with the walk i shook my
head. what is up with everyone, i wondered.

i just got a call from a friend.
it was one heck of a tough call.
way tough.

i hung up the phone and walked thru the other
room.
zakk was at his puter.
i just walked thru and said 'there's something
in the sky today zakk.'

(meaning something in the air, but i tend to
mess up phrases a lot!!!)

so i go thru just say that and keep goin'.

we meet up a few minutes later in the kitchen.
he sits at the table to keep me company as i
start puttin' some food together.

i start to tell him all my stories. and tell him
there's gotta be something in the air.

the light goes on in his face.

ohhhhhhhh is that what you meant!

he laughs.
'i actually went to the window to look at the sky.'

i doubled over laughing.

i love him so much.

hauntingly weird....

so josh posts a picture of him bein' cool
at my high school.

we had the breezeway where kids hung out
and smoked.

no, i didn't smoke. so no, i didn't hang
out with the cool kids on the breezeway.
but a friend of mine did and we went over
to the breezeway to hear some of his stories
and he showed us his spot on the wall.

where he leaned every day and held the wall up.

josh went over and leaned there and did his
best to look cool without the cig.

so he just posted this on facebook.

i just sat there and looked at it.

how totally weird is that???

i remember being 16 and wonderin' what i would
look like at 30. i actually remember that.
how about 30 years AFTER high school....

when i sit and see my grown son leanin' against
the breezeway goofin' on us old folks....

sounds like just a cute story....

but i tell ya......it feels very very hauntingly
weird to me....

it makes me laugh

i laughed out loud on my walk this morning.

i thought of josh.

he and i have very similar energy.
he's more outgoing and less shy....so he's
a bit more extreme. okay. he's a lot more
extreme.

but there's some kinda energy that's the same.
and we have a lotta the same kinda thoughts....
so it's way fun for me to do something with him.

my favorite moment of the whole high school reunion
was with him.

we pulled into the parking lot of my high school
and i said something immature and josh looked over
at me and seriously said with concern 'mom,
you're regressing.'

and i burst out laughing.

and i was!
i was regressing.

i'm back now.
regression over.
but that one line, that one moment, that one i
want to keep.

it makes me laugh.

it's a flow thing....

i seriously seriously seriously seriously
wonder how men and women have EVER made it
thru as couples.

no.
i'm not wanting to break up with my guy.
and no, we're not even having a 'problem'
between us....

we just handle EVERYTHING so differently
and i wonder how on earth this male/female
stuff has ever really worked.

i spose if you combined the two energies,
the two ways of thinking and feeling, the
two ways of dealing with things you can
come up with quite a combination.

as a matter of fact, in the middle of
some really hard stuff recently, he and i
joined together and combined our different
energies so well that i looked over at him
and told him we made one heck of a team.

so, okay....if we can combine the energies...
it's a really good thing.

and we've been learning how to do that more
and more.

so maybe that's it.

i gotta remember to combine them.
not have them bump up against each other.

sounds kinda silly, but i think it's actually
kinda important.

it's a flow thing.

isn't everything a flow thing???

alright, i got the concept.
now to go figure the logistics and apply it.....

we shall see.......

i just remembered....

what would i do without my shower???

was a long day. i decided to take an early shower
and just unwind, get in my jammies early, eat some
dinner, read a book...just relax.

got in the shower and that's when i remembered.

i read something this morning. the guys and i are
reading 'the road less traveled' together for the
SECOND time.

he mentioned in there today that when you give up
a belief that's been part of you, the normal reaction
to the giving up is sadness.

that that is a healthy normal reaction.

it can get outta hand and all that....but sadness,
depression, that's okay.

well.....today i got really sad.
really really deeply sad.

i was working and feeling it. and just letting
it flow thru.

it wasn't til i hit the shower that i remembered
what i had read.

and yeah......i am giving up a belief.
and he says that that also is important.
that we have to do that constantly thru life to grow.
we have to give up little pieces of ourselves and
change and grow. it's part of the deal.

and yeah, i am growing. and yeah, i lost a belief
recently. and yeah, it's made me really really sad.

but that's normal!

why do i always feel so much better when i read
i'm normal??!!

it's a process.

it's a growing.

it's a changing.

and some of that is sad.
but it's also necessary.
and it's part of the journey.

i don't know.
maybe it just reminded me it's all a process.

and i got excited.
and relieved.
all at once.

hollerin'

yo yo's workin' in the room right next to me.

is that rain? i holler over?

rain??? he hollers back.

yeah? hear it?

no. don't hear a thing. he hollers back

oh wait. it's just a siren.

makes sense. he hollers back.

and i chuckle.

it's gonna be a good day.

dodge, rapids, and a hot shower...

i had needed to 'get outta dodge' this weekend.
and so i disappeared into my reunion.

last nite, dodge landed back on my head.

intensely.

this morning i got up early to deal with some
of it.....

he called. we talked. and i told him exactly
how i was feeling.

there's so much love there as we tried to help
each other. we got no further than understanding
each other.

i hung up the phone exhausted.

decided to skip my walk and just get in a little
extra sleep.

i lay down and closed my eyes.
emotions ran all thru me.
oh great.
not too good for sleeping.

i heard a car whiz by on the street.
the sound brought me back to my grandmother's
house when i was a kid.

i loved sleeping there.
everything was so different.
and when i slept in my favorite sleeping room,
i'd hear the cars whizzin' by at nite.
different than my sleepy neighborhood sounds
as a kid. and i loved it.

the emotions continued to surge all in me,
and i figured it was hopeless to sleep. i
might as well get up and walk.

wait a minute.
maybe this is exactly what you need to do.
lay here with them. let it be intense.
feel it all. go with it.
give it every bit of your attention and see
where you go.

and so i released into the waves of them.

in moments, i could feel myself riding the
raft down the river of it all. i could feel
myself being swooshed thru the current. i
actually saw the river in some kinda wonderful
abstract painting kinda way....

i was safe. on a raft. just whooshing thru.

another car whizzed by outside.
i thought of the little girl at her grandmother's
house. i remembered being there. i remembered life
then. and i thought of how far that little girl
has traveled. all that i had learned. how much
i had grown inside...
how far the raft has whooshed and swooshed and how
i've ridden it.

christie's words from last week echoed thru -
'for the love of the game.'.....

and the raft whooshed steadily on.

somehow i got comfortable enough i dozed for a few
minutes...

as i was getting up, zakk tapped on the bedroom door.
he was wondering if i was up and if i wanted in the
shower before him.

i lit up.

it's not often they ask. and i was just headin' that
way.....a hot shower to really wake me up and start
the day....

i gave him a huge smile, told him i'd be quick, and
ran off to start the day.

dodge is dodge.
i could get out of it if i wanted to.
but i don't want to lose the sheriff. he means too
much to me.

i'll just ride the raft....and know that it's all
a game. and i'm in for the love of it...
even the rapids and rocky parts.

turning towards her day, she smiled.

my josh

i couldn't have loved josh more today.

he actually got up early after a really late
nite so he could join me in my goofiness today.

hopping in the car with me, he listened to all
my crazy stories from the nite before and he
laughed with me and carried on with me.

he listened to everyone's memories as we
wandered, he took a thousand pictures, and he
honestly enjoyed himself.

on the drive home i told him he made my day.
that it was so fun to have him with me.
and i thanked him.

told him that people can be good and agree to
join in on something and be there....but not
go any further than just being there....
but when you agree to go, and then you have a
good time while you're there....and then you
add more fun to the whole thing....
that's giving. and that's a gift.

and what a gift he gave me.

i'm all done with this silliness now. gonna
curl in and recover and turn back to the present.

but how cool to share this memory with josh now.

i am feelin' like i'm just where i want to be.

and that's such a good feelin'.....

and he gave that to me today.

the tour

just got back from the tour of the high school...
the last event for me for the big reunion weekend.

josh came with me. we got there early so that
two old buddies and josh could jam a little bit
before we toured.

there they sat out front, my two friends from
the old days and my son, playin' 'takin' care of
business' and singin' away.

i just sat back and grinned. how totally fun.

then the tour.

how long could it take?!

oh my.....i was there the whole time allowed.
the longer i was in there, the more memories
came back.

i had had one class with one of the guys i
was with. he found the classroom and we went in.
we found our seats and sat down.

so so cool.
wow had we traveled far since then.
we've actually stayed friends since then and
shared so much life together. how weird to sit
there and look over at him now.

another guy i was wanderin' around with reminded
me which class we had shared. we never did find
the classroom!

but as we wandered around, he told me that twice
during high school he had tried to commit suicide.

i stopped walking.
looked at him.
my eyes teared up.

i had no idea.

i touched his arm. i told him how sorry i was
that i didn't know. and asked him about it....

what years those were.
what turmoil mixed in with all the craziness.
what isolation mixed in with all the crowds.

when i hugged him goodbye, it was a really good
hug. an 'i'm glad you made it thru' hug.

i'm so thankful we made it thru.
and thinking about those who didn't.....

what a journey.
what an amazing journey.......

the nugget of gold

round two of the reunion was last nite.
really good. i guess maybe it takes 30 years
for those high school barriers to fall away...
amazing how weirdness can hang on so long.

and i honestly think the change is in me.
i was really comfortable and okay with whatever
happened.

wonder how come it took me so long....

some really cool moments and some really fun
catchin' up.

but i think aside from any of that, i found
the piece of gold in the whole weekend. (well,
besides the gold of being comfortable!!)

i was sittin' at the dinner table when a friend
leaned over and pointed out the vids playin'
in the background, up against the back wall.

i can't even describe the feeling as i watched
pieces of it.

someone from our class, way way way back then
actually brought in a camcorder (we had those
in those days????) and did home movies of school.

i actually remember him doing this. he wandered
around the halls with his camera and just shot
footage wherever he went.

well, he saved it. and there it was playing.

talk about haunting.

we all got a copy to take home.
i haven't looked yet.

but i will.

i sat there and watched part of it and it
was screaming at me thru the room....

life is short.
it goes so quick.
don't waste it.
you will never have these days again.
enjoy the moments.

i thought that vid had to hit everyone this
way. i thought the screaming in my head was
the same screaming in everyone's head.

don't think it was tho.
i mentioned it to several people, and i don't
think it was screaming their way.

it's still echoing in my mind tho....
rattlin' away.

today i go wander around the halls of the
high school. and then i'm done with memory lane.

and then i'm takin' this weekend and i'm keepin'
the echoes and i'm gonna hear them and remember....

it's the moments.
it's now.
live it with all ya got.

cause it is all ya got.

round one

i made it thru the first round of high school
reunion celebrations last nite. and it was really
good. tonite should be even better now that we're
warmed up.

highlights:

everyone seemed way comfortable in acknowledging
the class was so big (about 1,100) and a lot of
us didn't know each other. was real natural to say
'i don't think we knew each other.' and to hear
'well, we do now.' back. wow.....we really must
be maturing!!!

hearing someone's retelling of their entrance
into becoming a rebel with the food fight on the
bus. he told such a good story, i was there. i
could just see the whole thing. and i laughed
thru it all.

watching someone who thought no one knew who he
was find out that people had memories of him.
and hearing some of those memories.

having someone light up when he saw my name tag
(the ONLY person who lit up, by the way) and hug
me and tell me in the warmest voice that he
had 'the biggest' crush on me and i was so
beautiful and that i still was.

i about melted with that one.

going to the women's room has never been such fun!
you couldn't go in without hugging people and
laughing.

laughing.
and more laughing.

man, everyone looked old.
that wasn't such a good highlight.
a room full of almost 50 year olds......
a little unsettling.
but good.

real good.

round two tonite.....

batter up!

so i was havin' my cup of tea, checkin' up
on a few blog posts from friends.
christie changed her blog addy and i had
to go round her up to find it.

glad i did.

she's got this post on life/baseball that hit me
in a way i don't even think she was tryin' to hit me.

but i loved it.

somewhere in there she mentions playing for the love
of the game.

comparing baseball to life.

so, okay....
how did this concept get by me???

playing for the love of the game.

wow.

talk about timing.

i'm not sure exactly if that's what i've
ever done.

i spose i can twist things a bit and turn them
a bit....and kinda make that what i've been doin'.

but um....
it would take some twisting and turning.

and i'm really really really diggin' that concept.

there's this one huge ol' big hunk of a stress ball
in my life right now.

do i play with that for the love of the game?

yeah.
yeah.
yeah.

but it sure changes how i look at that big ol'
hunk of stress ball, doesn't it?

it does in my mind.

christie........thank you.

you rock my world.

batter up!

pea brains

i have the brain of a pea.

facebook actually entertains me.

i go there and always end up laughing.

josh is over there deciding whether he
should get a shirt that says 'marriage is
so gay.'

he agrees with the sentiment, but figures
it might hurt his chances with the girls....

i cracked up.

it doesn't take much sometimes.

who knew? face book actually brightens
my life.

now......i think i need to go order that shirt....

closing

love.
what a darn stinkin' complicated word.

and yet....
what a darnk stinkin' easy concept.

being open. whatever that is....the foundation
of love, part of love, a facet of love....
whatever it is....if you don't have it, you don't
have love.

if you're not open, you're closed.

if you're closed, you aren't loving.

you can trick yourself into believing you are.
you can trick yourself into believing it will
get you there....

but they're tricks.

i know.

i'm an expert at them.

'strength lies in the opening of the heart.'

for me, that's the most profound bone sigh
i've ever written.

and i think it's so short and simple it
can go right by ya....

closing.
it's a protection we need sometimes.
yeah, i think so.

closing.
it's what we use as a protection sometimes
that hurts us more than what we're tryin'
to protect ourselves from.

yeah.
i think so.

my sky

i walked and looked up at the sky.

okay, this stuff is totally stressin'
me out.

and it doesn't have to, does it?

there's bigger stuff out there,
i can't figure it out....and today,
right now, this moment is a gift,
isn't it?

i looked at the clouds.

it's up to me to redirect my energy.
it's up to me to stay open to the clouds.

and i smiled.

of all weekends for me to have my silly
high school reunion.....this weekend is
perfect.

i need to redirect.
i need to distance myself and go have
some fun.

i need to refocus.

there's so much more yet to be learned.
i see it so clearly. we're not where we
thought we were.

but that's okay.
cause there's time.
maybe.
maybe not.

but things can only go so fast.

and life is full.
with much to look at.
and much good to give my energies to.

and a beautiful sky up there for me
to connect to.

a laugh break....

there's life drama goin' on around me.
and it's gettin' to me a bit.
i've been tryin' to work real hard so
i'm available when needed and tryin' not
to go nuts. so it's been intense all the
way around.

today i couldn't take it anymore.
had enough. needed to go laugh.

he's in town for the reunion. called him
up. where you at? want some lunch? i need
a laugh.

the boys came along and we all met up.
he's a sport.

when we were just barely teens he liked
to make me blush.

guess he figured i needed it today as
he tried a few times and pulled it off.

i laughed. and laughed. and laughed.

and it felt so good to be out and goofin'.

i don't get this life stuff. there i sat
with some guy from my past i barely knew.
and yet that kooky connection we had from
so long ago made it work.

i'm back now turnin' back to work........
feelin' so grateful for the laugh break....

touchin' history

tomorrow is the start of the high school
reunion weekend. thirty years.
i cannot really wrap my head around that one.

it honestly just feels like lifetimes ago and
that that was another person.

i have planned on going to all the events.
there's something each day of the weekend.
not sure which i'll make now as there's life
craze mixed up in things now.

i thought i might miss it all, and today,
i'm thinking i might make it to it all.

i'll just have to wait and see.

i do think i'll make tomorrow nite's event.
and i'm starting to really look forward to it.

we're old enough now that it can't be about
impressing each other anymore. i just can't
believe it can be.

it's not on my end, anyway.

i just want to go and touch some history.

i want to go and remember that time of my life
and remember that that really happened. that
i really was a teenager once.

i want to go and laugh and goof and reminisce.

i went to a funeral once. and it was a really sad
funeral. at the same time, it was one of the coolest
moments for me.

i was standing in a circle of kids i grew up with.
not school buddies, but neighborhood buddies. kids
i had really really grown up with. and it was so
awesome to see those kids all grown up. and we laughed
and goofed just like we did years and years ago.
the barriers dropped fast and that easy banter was
right back.

the high school deal is different. those guys at
the funeral were more like family. high school is
more like maybe sorta friends.

but that's okay too.....as they're history.

and right now, i really want to touch some of my
history.

there's so many parts to it.
neighborhood times, school times, family times....

this one seems like a fun one to touch right now.

i'm lookin' forward to it.......

go figure

i have a weird history with ozzy osbourne.
he got big when i was a teen. at that time,
my brother was a big black sabbath fan and
at that time, my brother was in turmoil and
he was scary to me.

so when i'd hear him, those times would come
back to me, and i'd turn him off. bad memories.
couldn't even listen to him. i'd leave rooms
if he was playing.

but there came a time when josh discovered him.
and interestingly enough, it was when my life
was in turmoil.

one day josh pulled me into his room and played
a song for me. before he played it, he handed
me the lyrics so i could follow and he said
that he thought this song might be how i'm feeling.

i listened and cried.
it was about leaving and finding another shore to
land on...

my son understood and he showed me thru ozzy
osbourne.

go figure.

since then i've had a soft spot for the man. and
at that time his album 'diary of a madman' seemed
to sum up everything i was feeling or witnessing.

all the boys got into ozzy for a bit and you'd hear
him constantly. i became as big a fan. i loved him
because they loved him. i loved him because of that
moment with josh, and i just loved him cause he hit
my hurt spots.

they've moved on and listen to all kindsa other things
now. i rarely hear him anymore.

but the other day....it was a particularly rough day.
they came to the studio to work for me and they asked
what music i wanted.

doesn't matter. anything.

next thing i knew, ozzy was blaring.

and it felt really good.

i looked up at them.

ozzy! haven't heard him in a long time.

yeah, they smiled.
thought you needed him today.

i smiled back.

yeah, i guess i really do.

go figure.
sometimes it's so amazing living with these guys.

turtle shells

i'm movin' a bit like a turtle this morning.
kinda slow and steady. carryin' some protection
on my back to just whip on into if i have to.

my walk was slow.
there just are some days my legs won't move
fast. so i go with it.

i stopped to talk to the construction guys.
they finish up my part of the neighborhood
tomorrow and then go on to the next part.
they'll be around for a good long time, just
not right under my feet.

yesterday they were workin' in front of my
house again and i went out and joked with
them and was wavin' from the window.

told them they're family now and i wanted to
have a cake to say goodbye but since they
really weren't leaving, a cake didnt' seem
to work. we'll have to wait til they really
leave.

and i saw myself standing there telling these
big ol' guys they're family now and i thought...
ya know, ter, you're a weirdo.

life is how you look at it.
life is what you make of it.

i don't think i want to be a turtle with my
shell ready for protection today.

i think i want to put that down.

slow is okay.

but i think i want to be open today.
i think i want to open up to life and say
i'm ready for what you're handin' me.

if these big ol' burly construction guys
can look like family to me, then i gotta
realize it's all in how you look at things.

slippin' the shell off...

whiskers

my dad had a real heavy whiskery face.
if he was going out at nite and wanted to
look clean and decent, he'd have to shave
again.

when i was a kid, i'd draw pictures of him,
and i'd always put little dots all over his
chin and cheeks for his whiskers.

he kept himself really clean shaven and
if things were off in his world, i knew by
his whiskers. he'd need a shave.

when he lay dying, he was in a coma. and he
needed a shave. i thought that was fitting
as things were definitely outta control
in his world.

my brother shaved him tho. i don't think he
knew why he shaved him....but i thought i did.
it made my brother feel like things were a
bit less outta control.

last nite i found myself entangled in an
outta control situation. and i was trying my
best to help. at one point, i turned to him
and said 'meet me at the water fountain?'
i needed to talk to him alone.

there is no water fountain, so we stood over
by the trash cans. it was one of the few times
i got a grin out of him. he grinned at me and
said 'what do you spose this looks like?'

and i looked up at his face. and that's the first
time i noticed the whiskers.

i had been with him for hours. but we were
concentrating and working so hard, i guess i hadn't
noticed.

i saw the whiskers and my heart sunk.
life is outta control for him.

i concentrated on the task at hand and did what
i needed to do with him.

we finished up part one. we both feel we did as good
as we could and we left it. and we both are waiting
to be led to part two.

life is still outta control for him.

and this morning, i can't get those whiskers outta
my mind.

standing there....

it's possible to lose.

it's possible to give everything you have
and lose the fight.

good doesn't always win.

it was a couple years ago when i first really
got that lesson slammed in my face.

it's standing in my face yet again this
morning.

i won't look it in the eye yet as it's not
for sure. and i won't look it in the eye until
it is.

but it's standing there in front of me.

i lean back and question things again.

no, this isn't my pain.
altho i have pain about it. it's not mine.
it's his.

and i wonder how people survive the pain they do.
and i wonder how to help.

and i wonder about life.

p.s.s.

okay.
so i goofed.
and posted the p.s. twice.
and can't figure out how to delete it.

it's the universe reminding me i'm
not savvy.

and so i'm typing this out to delete the
other.

ah yes.

so much for savvy.

p.s.

i forgot to say....

thank you, mary.

you add beauty and grace to our world.

touched

okay, i started at part two....
you should prolly start at part one.
but i started at part two tonite,
and then i kept scrolling up.

and i was so involved in this story,
everything else stopped.

i want to say so much.
and yet i don't have to.
you'll get all your own words, your
own feelings, your own tears....

check out mary's blog

and scroll up to read the whole thing.
then shoot, scroll down and find part one and
all the other posts.

but this story.......
it will touch you.

mullin', mullin', mullin'..........

i've just begun the mulling.
(ya gotta read the post below first)

and i came up with something.
i got a nice comment sayin' i had the
determination, but just hadn't been shoved
into any need for action (thanks, mary)
think that's a good point. but i think
there's more too....

cause there are times i feel like giving
up on my relationship with my guy.
one could say i've been shoved into the
corner. i don't have the same determination.
altho, when i look at the work i put into it,
i think maybe i'm selling myself short there.
i have been pretty determined.
but i have wobbled an awful lot too.

there is something different.

there is something different not just with
him, but with other things in my life.
there's a different feeling.

so what is it?

and i thought about it.

there's history.

with my kids, i didn't have any history
of not being able to take care of them.
so maybe i wouldn't have the doubt?

with my relationships, i've got history.
a lotta pain.
and i've got doubt.

with health issues....i may not have history
with me personally, but i have history of
losing friends and people i care about. i've
been touched deeply by that stuff. again,
a lotta pain.

there's history all around me that casts
big shadows of doubt.

and i know, plain out know, that doubt
is a killer.

so is my level of painful history affecting
my level of doubt?

yeah, you would think so.

and how sucky is that?!
does that mean my history creates my future?

does that mean that past pain creates future
pain????

hmmmmmmmm...........

think on that one.
think on that one and you may just feel some
determination kick in.

i'm thinking this is really really fascinating.

that knowing stuff again....

so i'm walkin' and not goin' anywhere in
particular in my mind. wanderin', meanderin',
not workin', just walkin'....

when a memory comes joltin' thru me.

when i split up, my husband was pretty angry
and liked to remind me that i was nothing,
had nothing, and was ruinin' the kids' lives.

we had homeschooled them their whole lives and
had a real family centered lifestyle. he told
me that we'd have to put them in public school,
disrupt everything they knew...and on and on.
you get the picture.

the kids mean everything to me.
and so i just knew i had to make it work.
there was no question in my mind.
there was no doubt.
it HAD TO WORK.

anyone looking from the outside in.....
even if they weren't an angry husband.....
wouldn't have believed it could work.
in fact, i'm not sure anyone but me did.

when i look back at those early days and all
i did to make it work, i'm amazed.

and as i walked, i remembered everything that
was in my way.....and still.....still....with
all that.....i knew i would make it work.

i don't think i've ever applied that to anything
else in my life.

and i'm wonderin' why not.

is there nothing else that matters that much to
me?

well, you know......there is.

there's my health, there's my relationship with
bob, there's my relationship with me.....

there are things.
and i don't think i've ever even come close to
the same iron determination, do whatever you
got to do and make it work stuff.

i'm not exactly sure how you get it.
do i just say 'okay, i've been missing that and
i am changing that right now?'

maybe i need to sit with each thing and really
acknowledge how much each thing means to me.
really see it. really hold it. and then feel the
knowing that i can make it all work.

i'm not sure.
that'll be my ponderings today.
i think they're big ones.

it's beyond commitment...
it's a knowing.

shoot.
that knowing stuff is pretty big stuff.

THAT would be awesome!

okay, this one feels big and exciting to me
and i have no idea how to convey it.

fortunately sitting and trying to explain
it to his engineer mind helped me at least
figure out how to put some of it into words.

there's something i do sometimes when i'm
with him that i've never done in my life
before.

oh....and i am so lost on explaining it..

i will deliberately reach deep inside me
and touch something that i've got to call
love. i'll touch this energy or whatever
and i'll tune into it. i'll become it.
or i'll lose me or something like that.
and then i will pour it towards him.

i don't think 'okay, i'm gonna lose myself
and then soak this stuff up and then shoot
it his way.'

don't do that.

i just step into it and sorta become it.
and if i can stay in it, i can turn towards
him and share it.

okay.
i'm still tryin'....

it's different than feeling love towards
him.

when i feel love towards him, i feel it in
my heart. sometimes gratitude will flood
me or even that feeling of love, but it
will come from my heart.

he said same deal for him.

same deal for you guys?

know what i mean?

when i feel a certain emotion, if i stop
and feel where in my body it's coming from,
i can feel it in a certain part of me.

this is different.
i can't do that with this.
it's not in my body.
it's outside of me. and yet the only way
i can tap into it is going deep inside of me.

i sure hope someone knows what i'm talking about
and is nodding.

so this is something i have done a bit now.
not really consciously. just at times when i felt
i needed to.

sometimes when i had to reach love and didn't know
how and just went desperately looking, and other
times when i just opened to it.

relatively new thing.
just have done that with him.

well, it occurred to me yesterday that i'm getting
better and better at it. and that it really may
be a big thing.

it's like 'stepping into the flow' or 'opening to
the source' or something like that.
i don't know.

i just know it's real powerful.

what if i could do that in other areas???

he looked at me and said he thought i already did that.

oh no.

i will tap into kindness, or empathy, or openness or
something like that.

isn't that the same? he asked.

no. those are all sisters of it. or part of it.
but what i'm talkin' about is IT.

i have no idea how i would.
i can't even imagine sittin' around a table with friends
and just quietly trying to do this.
i'm laughing thinking about it.
i'm sure i would look really odd and would be lost in
feeling self conscious and not pull it off.

so i don't know how practical this is.

but i was thinking if i practiced, maybe i could.
maybe i could actually pull this off at some point.

am i making any sense at all???

here it is nutshelled.....

i've found a way to touch something i feel is beyond
me. altho i'm not sure logistically how i do that.
if i could figure out how i do it and practice and
work on doing it in an every day situation, it could
really be an amazing thing.

now. i spose if i pulled it off all the time, i'd
be some kinda awesome funky enlightened being.

and um. we all know better.

so i'm not shooting for enlightenment.

i'm shooting for a few moments in my lifetime where
i can DELIBERATLY touch something beyond me in an
ordinary daily experience and just stay in that moment
for a bit and share it with whoever i'm with.

i have stumbled onto this kinda thing by accident
before....but this would be a deliberate thing.

wow.

wouldn't that just be so awesome???

it would be touching love.
it would be becoming love.

a moment here. a moment there.

ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.
ha!
THAT would be awesome!

i'm not exactly sure how to practice this.

but i figure tryin' to type it out is a start in
tryin' to do something with it.

a little extra light

he sculpts.
she paints.
i wandered around checkin' out all their
newest creations.

we talked of their art and what they were doing.

we visited his new work shop.

she toured me thru her paintings.

he pointed out sculptures that were scattered
thru out the gallery.

as they shared their work with me, i understood
how lucky i was to have them share it. i knew
that i was touching pieces of them.

and i understood the open space between us that
was allowing the sharing.

i held it gratefully and with care.

and my sacred place glowed with a little extra light.

my rain.

so we went to my special place.
(see post below) and i lugged in our
kooler with the food and we set up lunch
right there smack in the middle of the
gallery.

it had started raining lightly the minute
we pulled into town.

as i spread out the peanut butter and jelly
and the veggie burgers it started to rain
harder.

and harder.

it was pouring.

and it was so loud on the roof that we had
to almost shout to hear each other.

i clapped my hands and looked up at the beams
above us. then back at my friends.

this is for me, ya know. i said.

this rain on the roof is for me.

it rained all thru lunch.
all thru our visit there.

and then when it was time to leave, it stopped.

and it didn't rain again thru our whole trip.

that was definitely definitely definitely my rain.

holy places

i have two sacred spots in the world.
one is a creek that i used to play in when
i was a kid.

i used to skip school to go play in the creek.
and i mean play. i didn't go up and do drugs.
i went and splashed and laughed and had
chicken fights and goofed and just enjoyed
in that place. i was really a kid for a long
long time.

i've been there with an odd variety of people
in my life....and it's always been good.
there's something holy there.

the other is an art gallery.
it's an old warehouse turned art gallery.

and there's something magical in that place.
something holy there too.

i actually spent the nite alone in there once
and it was such a wonderful nite. when it rains
it gets real loud on the roof. there's beams and
wooden floors and just all kindsa feel to it.

i felt at home the minute i walked in. and it
became like a second home to me. i've gone there
for refuge more than once.

the guys and i are headin' there today.

we had made plans to go just for fun. see some
friends that i've missed a lot. and just goof.

funny thing....stuff happened since we've made
plans....and i want to go for a bit of the refuge
feel of it. i want to go and be surrounded by
that feeling of home i get when i'm there.

i need it today.

and i'm so delighted at the timing.

everyone needs a holy place or two.

know where yours are?

i'm headin' to mine......and gonna soak it in.....

a piece of my walk....

i turned to her on my walk today.

will you love me, today?

will you just hold me and love me
today?

sometimes i try so hard....
and sometimes i forget so much.

and today....i really could just use
your loving me.

i pictured her coming up to me and
brushing my hair. and playing with it
with braids and such.

i touched my hair with my fingers as
i walked.

tears ran down my face.

and i opened to my own value.

the points of connection....

he sounded so bad when he called, i thought
someone had died.
no,he was just struggling with something.
and he needed to find a door that he could
open, but he couldn't find it.

so we brainstormed together and found it.
you could hear the relief in his voice.

i hung up and read a note from a friend.
she touched me so deeply with something she
said that the tears ran down my face. 'i so
needed to read that. i'm taking this out
on my walk with me.' and i took her thoughts
and touched things in me that needed touching.

on my way home i noticed my elderly neighbor's
door open. i hadn't seen her in a bit.
i stooped to grab her paper and bring it her way.
she met me at the door. was looking for me.
we caught up with each other.

'i've been thinking about that problem'
she said....and she gave me her thoughts. i smiled
and listened and agreed to pass on her thoughts to
the one who they were for. then she gave me a deer
repellent remedy thing for josh and his garden.
she smiled at me and told me to bring her my problems
and she would help.

'i already do.' i smiled back.

and i knew that her being useful to me mattered a
ton to her. and that including her in my life made
a difference. to both of us.

i walked home and thought about this amazing
interconnected web of people. and how we all need
each other and how we all give so much to each other.
and how we all need to give as much as we get.

sometimes the strands of energy that bounce between
us all just stuns me in the power of it all.

we need each other.
this big ol' interconnected blob of energy....
and we're the points of connection.

how cool is that?!

and the gratitude flows thru....

she has parkinson's.
i mentioned her recently here in a blog.

i found myself sitting on a couch last nite
talkin' to her.

she told me that she didn't think of parkinson's
as being who she was.

i smiled at her and told her i didn't either.

i asked her if she minded talking about it.
she said no.

and i explained to her how i was searchin'
right now and tryin' to figure life out and
feelin' in this midlife crisis stuff. outlined
it for her.

'i wonder what searches you have had, where it's
taken you, how the parkinson's has affected the
search, what you've figured out...'

and we talked.

it was an impromptu girls nite dinner at a friend's
house. my friend's daughters were boppin' around,
women were in and out.

we only got so far with the conversation.

but far enough for her to look at me and tell me that
she believes love is what it's all about.

absolutely!
i so agreed.

nothing new to me. no.
but just havin' her look me in the eyes and say it
with the strength she did.....
i don't know......mabye it brought me back to a place
i needed to be.

don't know.

do know that ever since then i've had this incredible
gratitude thing runnin' thru me.

i feel like somehow sittin' and sharin' a bit on the
couch opened up this little gate inside of me that
needed opening....

and the gratitude flowed on thru big time.

love.

she laughed and clarified that she didn't mean romantic
love. and i nodded with vigor.
and yet.....i'm lucky enough to have that too.

love.
in all its forms.

the real stuff.

i gotta believe that's the real deal.

i hugged her as i left and thanked her....
everyone teaches me so much, reminds me of so much.

and the gratitude flows thru....

tiny spots of light

man....this is my day for talkin' to myself
thru talkin' to others.

just left a comment on a friend's blog.
she's hurting and i wanted to reach out.

and it got me all thinking.

i discovered something one day.
actually, i heard it come out of my mouth
one nite when i was talking to someone who
was hurting about as much as you can hurt.

i heard myself tell him one nite that it
wasn't all black. that i had figured it out.
that i had thought it was. but it wasn't.
(now, this was some time after the original
pain, so i truly wasn't thoughtless or heartless
or some obnoxious cheerleader here)

and i heard me talk about the power of love
and caring between people. and how i had never
seen darkness so black before, but even in that
blackness, i saw tiny spots of light in the
love i felt for him.

as i spoke i listened.
i realized while it was the closest thing to
hell i had ever been involved in....
it wasn't hell.

cause hell is not love anymore.

someone famous once said that, i think.
that's not mine.
i sure like that line.

and if you have anyone reachin' out to you in
the darkness, even if they have nothing else they
can do but put their hand out and stretch their
fingers your way....

those very fingers give off light.

hell is not love anymore.

i have never ever come close to that.

and i hope i never ever do.

it's all around us.

if we look.
sometimes just tiny spots of light.
but they're there.

they're so there.
hang on to them.
never let them go.....

bless them. love them. and let them be.

years ago i spent some time in woman's group
therapy. i remember wondering how that could
possibly work as we all had such different problems.

i was amazed at how it all really did work.
everyone cared and took each other really seriously.
when one woman had a problem, we all listened and
offered our thoughts.

trying to think thru what i could offer each woman
as she spoke helped me figure out my own stuff.

it's where i really got convinced of how much we
need each other.

i just finished writing a note to a friend.
she opened her heart up a bit to me and laid out
some really really hard stuff.

i found myself writing this to her:

'all i know is you can only give your best.
it's up to everyone else to either take it as a gift,
or miss it.'

as i typed it, i could hear my voice reading it back
to me in my head.

the next line was something about how easy that was
to type, but not so easy to live.

yeah, i know. cause intellectually, i know this concept,
but my gosh, i don't have it in my bones.

what else can you do tho, you know?

and how much time do we really have to worry about it?

we don't have the time to worry about it.
we don't.

offer your best.
give your all.

then rejoice with the ones who see it......
and bless the ones who don't.
and keep goin' forward.

wow.
yeah.
but what if one of those people is someone you care
about sooooo much.

same deal.
same deal.

same same same deal.

sit and worry, you waste what you've got.
you waste your gift....the gift of time that you have
to live how you want.

bless them. love them. and let them be.

wow.
that was so for me.
i needed to hear that.....

the bond of laughter......

he asked me how i was this morning.

'if i tell you, you have to promise you
won't leave me.'

he promised and i poured out my crazed
heart to him.

he laughed.

um.
bob.
that's not very nurturing.

he laughed harder.

i started laughing.

and then i whined a bit and poured
out some more.

and he laughed some more.

guys sure do comfort different than women
do. but ya know....it helped.

and i keep hearin' him laugh in my ear
and it makes me smile.

i had this friend that i shared some truly
high pressure emergency moments with.
and we actually laughed at certain parts
where you would think no one would laugh.

life and death and we're standing there laughing.

those are some of my favorite memories of my
whole life.

i don't know why.

there's just something so incredible about
laughter. specially in tense times. it's such
a bond somehow.

it seems like it's a bond in tense times and
not tense times.

it's just a really wonderful darn bond.

and i like it.

here's to laughter.
may we all experience it today!

the grass is greener on the logic side of the fence....

i read something to him this morning on the phone.
he didn't get it and started to explain to me
why it made no sense.

i joked with him about his logic and the handicap
it was and laughed a bit and told him to forget it.

as the conversation went on, he mentioned that i
was an emotional creature. run on feelings.

'is it easier to be logical, do you think?' i asked
him.

he didn't think either one was particularly easier
than the other.

oh. okay.
cause if you thought it was easier, i was just gonna
be logical instead.

he laughed.
teased at the impossibility of it, and we moved on.

i don't know tho.......
seems like i ought to try it for a day.

of course, i have a 'meeting' with little terri
later today. i wonder if you can pull that off with
logic???

okay. guess the logic has to wait.
or maybe i'll leave it to him.

it just seems easier from this angle....
but i spose that's the way it always is.

certainly not as much fun.
that i know.

i'll stick with this side of the fence, i guess.
and maybe roll around in the grass a bit and
enjoy the feelings.....

a little slow sometimes...

okay.
so i've been weird lately.
weirder than usual.

i woke up this morning with some
kinda kooky energy buzzin' around in me.

gonna walk this outta me, i thought.
and so i did.

i started walkin' fast and just kept goin.

i knew i needed an extra lap, so i kept
goin' past my house and went around the
block for a little extra spin.

and it was then that i finally could unwind
a bit and touch in with little terri.

what???
it's been YOU that's been makin' me crazy
lately???

and suddenly i knew it was something up with
her......and i just couldn't believe i hadn't
figured it out.

i thought it was life stuff getting to me.

shakin' my head here.

when will i ever learn that it's my inner
stuff that gets to me???

by the time i found her and realized it,
i had worn myself out.

ah well, that's okay.
as i'm gonna create a little quiet space
today and retouch in.

already i feel better.

sometimes the depth of my thickheadedness
amazes me.

i really oughta know this stuff by now.....

flashing neon

there's this young man that totally fascinates me.

he has this incredible system of dealing with
his fears.

instead of facing them and conquering them,
he changes himself so he doesn't have to deal
with the fears.

it's extreme.
which is why it's fascinating.

i'm sure we all do that to some point.
he just takes it to a point i've never seen before.

for example he'll have something he really wants.
but then he finds some hurdles in his way.
and fears kick in.
insecurities start to speak up.
instead of going forward and just dealing with
all that as he goes along, he changes course.

changes what he really wants.
never speaks of the other.
but does speak arrogantly of how good he is.
and how good this new plan is.

if any hurdles come up there, the cycle
repeats itself.

if you branded it on his head, he wouldn't
notice.

it's such an amazing system he's built up.

well.....he's extreme, yes.......
but he's not really doin' anything that
the rest of us don't do in some forms.

people like this fascinate me because it's
such a flashing neon sign that i cant' miss
it. and i can sit and watch it flash and try
to figure out how it works....and then turn
it into some of my stuff that i don't see
flashing so brightly.

how much of our lives is fear controlling?

for me, that's the question of the century.

payin' attention

i've been spending some time trying to
de-stress. was doin' okay, but not
great.

as i was driving yesterday i noticed a
feeling inside of me. i concentrated on
it a bit to see what it was.

all i could come up with to describe it
is 'a deep knowing.'

as i walked this morning i found that
feeling again.

i remembered the thought i had months
ago about when something can get thru
all my layers....when every part of me
can accept whatever it is or just be in
whatever it is.......that that's when
i touch something really good.

and that's what it feels like with this
deep knowing feeling.

there's no arguments inside, no pulls or
tugs....every part of me is okay with
that feeling. and wants to feel it.

i've noticed it come up twice now in two
days. and i think maybe it's because i've
been workin' hard on bein' aware and tryin
to relax a bit.

and i tell ya, there's no awareness of it
when i'm all stressed. it's totally ignored.

until my body starts screamin' at me to
pay attention.

my body's been screamin' lately.

thank goodness for that.

cause now i'm payin' attention.........

self inflicted

stress is one awesome thing.

i had it real bad this past week.
it's way way down now.
on its way out.

but it's floatin' around enough on
the edges that i'm watchin it.

so much of it is self inflicted.

so much of everything is self inflicted.

and that's just the thought i want to
put up here today.

what is it you self inflict and why?

and when do you stop doin' it?
and why?

that's my ponder for today....

she gave me the sky....

so all day yesterday i kept feelin' like
i was getting messages all around me.
good messages.

messages about being who you are and
offering that. and not doubting the value
of that.

it was really cool.

and then....

there was a package at my door waiting
for me when i got home from lunch.

a gift from a customer.

she creates with glass.

and there, outta the blue, was this
gorgeous dark blue glass plate with
lighter streaks in it that looked
like clouds.

enclosed was a note from her. she said
that as soon as she pulled it outta the
kiln, she thought of me.

i sat on my floor holding this plate
and the note feelin' kinda stunned.

we barely know each other.
she's a customer who orders regularly
and we pass brief notes back and forth.
we've both encouraged each other along
the way. that kinda thing.

and here was this plate.

of the sky.

she didn't even realize for me that's
my sacred spot. she just thought of my
last name, 'st. cloud' and put that together.

i thought of my stupid financial struggles.
and how i let that garbage get in the way.

i looked at that plate and wondered how in
the world i could ever lose sight of the
fact that i have the coolest job in the
world. i get to meet the most loving and
caring and generous people.

money.
they aren't kidding when they say how
powerful it is.

when it can distract me from the incredible
life i have...it's pretty powerful.

i put the plate in my living room.
where i see it constantly. walking in the door,
walkin' out. sittin in the living room,
walking thru.

what a perfect day to get this gift.
i think it will always be a reminder for me
to hang on to my intentions.....

what a gift.....

my mad scientist

there's a window right here in front of my face.
out the window right now is a ladder leaning on
my house.
and as i look out the window, i see zakk climbing
the ladder.

he's my mad scientist.
always doin' something.

i'm so used to it, i forget to ask what he's up
to sometimes.

his last project involved a video camera on a
tripod in the hallway. all i saw was it was
blocking my way to the bathroom. after i came
out of the bathroom, i realized i should pay
attention and ask what's up.

he laughed and told me it was so fun to live here
as he can bring things inside the house like
this huge long pole he just brought in, and no
one thinks it's odd.

the other day i heard a loud boom, and went out
to the shed to make sure he was okay. he grinned
at me and said he heard that too, but no, it
wasn't him. and he thanked me for checkin on him.

so i'm watchin' him climb onto my roof, and i'm
grinning.

he just built an antenna that gets tv.
we don't have tv.
the boys have a big ol' flat screen they bought
and watch dvd's on. but we don't get tv.

if i wanted tv, we'd get it.
but i like life without it.

so i didn't really see us needing an antenna.
but um.....why spoil his fun???

so he's been tinkerin' to get it just right.
at first just spanish channels came in.
i think now they all come in.
he's just tweaking.

up and down the roof.

he wanders around and does his thing....
and it's always so creative and interesting.

i like that kid.

and i'm so gonna miss these days of having someone
just head up a ladder for fun....

i'm psyched....

i got psyched this morning.
saw things kinda clearly and wanted to
hop in and change the energy.

work's been so slow.
no news.
have typed that before.
then june just kinda changed and was
a normal month.
i shouted the slow period was over,
did a happy dance and went confidently
into july.

july slammed to a halt.
bam.
slam.
slow. slow.
almost stopped.

shoot.
this sucks.

and the disappointment filled me.
i've been fighting it. hopeful every day
that there will be checks in the mail.

okay, so it's another slow month.

and instead of that dull kinda gray feeling
i've been having, a real tense, headache
jaw tightening feeling has been all over me.

totally unusual for me.
this won't work, i said as i rubbed my head
and my jaw.

you gotta do something, ter.

first step was to unwind the headache and jaw
ache and tight shoulders.
worked on that.

and then this morning, it hit me......

it's slow. get over it, ter.
that's okay. you can budget with the best of 'em.
that's not your problem.

you can handle that.
but if you lose your intention....
if you get wrapped up in the bummer part of it all,
and forget what you're doin'....your sunk.

i heard myself tell him about it on the phone.
my voice choked up as i said 'if i lose my intention,
i have nothing.'

i heard myself tell him how it's real subtle and
sneaks up on me and takes over me and i don't realize
i'm losing it.

but i see it now.
and i want to hop in with both feet.
back into my intentions.
back into my belief in bone sighs.
back into knowing i'm going the right way.
and just plowin' thru with delight.

because that's what matters.

if i don't have that, i might as well go get
a real job.

and so today......i turn back to my heart.
and i let it free. and i follow it fully.

i feel kinda back on track or something......
and i'm psyched.

doesn't anyone sleep anymore?

what happened to my sleepy neighborhood???

last nite something drove down my street
and woke me up. as i opened my eyes, i
saw flashes of light circling my walls.
whatever it was kept goin'.

i smelled something odd.

i sat up in bed.

sniffing the air.

what IS that???

went to the window.
couldn't see a thing, but could smell
something like an electrical burning
smell.

wandered around the house sniffing.
making sure my house wasn't making the
smell.

as i walked thru the living room,
cars started drivin' down my road,
past my window.

huh?

what time is it???

it was around midnight.
car after car was driving by.

must be another accident, i thought.
doesn't anyone ever sleep around here???

this morning a neighbor told me all about it.
someone set a truck on fire in the construction
site AND there was a real bad accident up on
the highway.

AND 911 was really struggling to be any help
when he called.

made me think of the time i called 911 this
year and no one answered.
they called back later. they were so busy,
they couldn't take the call when it came in.

wow.
what happened to my sleepy little area???

more sharing.....

i snagged the link pictures (see post below)
off of my facebook page. while i was over
there i thought i'd grab some others!

there's one of my guys.
and one of me and my guys.

i love both of these.
the one of just the guys captures them
so well. they're so wonderful.

and then the one with me and them makes
me smile as i just don't realize they
tower over me that much! and that's zakk
lookin' off to the heavens there.
makes me laugh every time i look at that.

wonder what he was thinking......

it's zakk.
we'll never know!
yo yo's in the cap, josh has the beard.
(altho not at the moment)

just wanted to share....

love links.....

i cannot believe that i didn't post about the
love link chain!!!
ya know, i can't keep up with myself.

i posted ages ago over on face book thanking
everyone and apparently missed here!

i am so sorry!!!

remember the love chain for my bud with cancer?!!!

thank you.
hangin' my head with a bit of shame here.
i can't believe i haven't thanked you guys.
i am so sorry.

it was an absolute hit.
she got it when she was with her sister.
the person she is closest in the world to.
and they read link by link together. and they
both cried and cried.

and maybe it's really cool i waited til today
to post this.....as i got the scoop today that
her cancer is cleared. i'm hesitant to say that
as there's the recurring factor that's high.
BUT for now.....and that's all we all have....
she's clear!!!!

kinda makes you smile at the power of medicine...
and well.....the power of love!!!!!

let me see if i can include two shots of the
chain here. both suck as i couldn't figure out
how to take a picture of the thing. it was too
big. and the one picture i have of the whole
thing makes it look small! so i went for these
to share......

my awesome running water

so everyone has a story.
i know this.
i know this really well.
why does it take me so long to get them
sometimes?? just glad i got some of his today.

my ups man.
best guy in the world.
really really like this man.
we're close in age. and i just treasure him.

turns out he came over here from the philippines
when he was a teen.

he started describing life over there....
and i could feel the gratitude fillin all inside
me for all that i've got.

i live in a modest/small three bedroom/one bathroom
house in a lower middle class blue collar neighborhood.

as we talked, i was feeling like i lived in a castle.
WITH washing machine!!
i think the laundry part got me really good.

i asked about that.

he explained the hand washing of clothes, the skin
that would peel off his fingers as he washed his jeans.

wow.
i know all about this kinda thing 'out there'.....but
there he stood tellin' me all about it.
and i could see him remembering and it was all so
close.

this morning i kept thinking about all the people
driving around the accident on the highway today. just
thinking that they'd be late to work. and i thought
about how we forget.

well, my ups man just reminded me of another way
i forget.....

my running water's gonna look pretty awesome today.

a mixture of a morning....

the cars were lined up headin' down my street.
mmmmm.....must be an accident on the highway.
i decided to skip the walk and sit in my
back yard for a bit.

i love my back yard.
to me it's a sanctuary.
it's a nice size, got lotsa trees and it's
just peaceful. i sat there and watched the
birds in the trees. two rabbits were playin'
with each other. it was so cool to watch.
one ran and sat right next to me and ate the
grass as i sat and looked at it. such soft
eyes...

it was so peaceful.

i could just see a blur of colors goin' by
on the next road over. still cars comin' thru,
i thought.

and then i sat and thought of the accident.
sendin' good vibes to whoever was in it...and
feelin' grateful that we were all safe and home.

i pictured me sitting in this little patch of
green peacefulness as the cars whisked by me on
both sides.

i sat and went to my wonderings about life and
what it was all about....

so much hustle and bustle. so much pain.
wondered how many people who were sidetracked down
my road gave any thought to whoever was in the
accident. we just forget sometimes what's really
going on, ya know?

picked up the local paper at the end of my driveway....
looked thru the articles on the rise in business
robberies, and the rise of hate groups....

wow.
what a mixture this morning.

life.
all around me.

and it's that silly rabbit chewin' on the clover
right next to me that brings me such peace.

that was easy

something i work really hard at is getting
to a good spot inside myself over things goin'
on in my life.

this morning i tried and i tried....and it so
wasn't working.

i was exercising and thinking about it all,
and it hit me.....

you're not okay about it.

grin.
grin.

yeah.

that was the enlightening thought.

you're just not okay about it.
so stop tryin' to be.

ohhhhhhhhh.
yeah.

okay.

and this sounds so weird....but there
was a big sense of relief.

if life is choices, then choose not to
be okay with it.

then choose what you do about it.

oh.
that was easy.

i've got one of those 'easy buttons' from
staples right here on my desk. you push it
and it says 'that was easy.'

i just pushed it.
and grinned.

don't know what the solution is.
but do know i can make my life what i want.

i just have to know what i want....
and what i don't want.

'her trees'

for ms. merry.....

i wrote this years ago. when they first
started construction in my neighborhood...

i was just beginning to go thru my marriage
break up. and i would walk up the street to
sit among the trees and cry. figured that way
the kids didn't have to watch me fallin'
apart, and the trees could comfort me.

then they tore them down.......

they plowed down her trees
and she wept.
they forgot to take the sky tho.
the clouds became her refuge.

bowing to the sky....

my window was open, shade was pulled up....
my alarm went off and i opened my eyes.

there was the sky looking at me.

this beautiful morning sky.

i flipped my alarm off and snuggled into
my pillows to say good morning to the
sky....

what a way to wake up, i thought.

as i walked, the construction site was
quiet. i looked over....you can see a whole
lotta sky there now. they took the trees.
and i looked at that sky and just got
lost in it.

i walked up to my goodmorningworld spot and
laughed at myself.
ter, it's a highway. your big beautiful spot
is a highway. cars everywhere, just a little
spot of trees....
ahhh...but there's sky, i thought.
and i looked up at it.

turning the corner back onto my street
on the way home, i felt like i was walkin'
straight into the sky....

there's some song i heard once with a line in
it about the sky being like a lover to whom you
always belonged.

no kidding.

i love it so much.
and then when i stop and think that i have my
own sky inside me...(something i figured out
one day, and believe).....
well i just get this incredibly full feeling......

bowing to the sky this morning.
the one outside, and the one inside......

it's not mine anymore.....

it was eight years ago.....
i was verbally attacked by someone who had
been the closest in the world to me....

it was vicious and it was meant to make me
bleed.

he went for every part of me he could,
and he cut quick and deep. cut after cut.

he lashed out pointing out what a miserable
failure i was in each area of my being.
and while i didn't think it was all true, i
accepted a piece of each thing as true.
i held it. believed it. even if it was just
a tiny piece that i took, i took it.

until he got to bone sighs.

when he slammed bone sighs and called them
a 'sham' i knew he was wrong.

i honestly think that was the first moment
in my entire life that i COMPLETELY rejected
garbage.

it was one of the most powerful moments of
my life.

eight years ago.

and while i knew bone sighs were me, they were
still 'outside of me' at that point. i hadn't
come to realize that i was the same thing as
them.

so while i did great there, and i'm so tickled
that happened....i was still reaching outside
myself for something to believe in.

when the attacks were on the rest of me, i
took pieces of the garbage.

it was the first step in a long line of steps.
and it was a powerful one.

sometimes i get discouraged with the inner work
i do. think i'm not getting anywhere and get
discouraged.

and sometimes i see progress and fall flat on
my back in amazement.

recently i found myself on my back, amazed....

i felt garbage being put on me and i stopped and
was stunned.

huh???

that's not me.

i didn't feel any need to prove it.
i didn't feel any need to question myself on it.

it's not me.

not who i am.
not what i do.

and i knew....from all the work i do....i knew.....
that this one wasn't mine.

there wasn't self doubt.
there wasn't putting my self down.

it just wasn't true.
and that's it.

i look at the difference eight years has made
in me and i actually tear up.

this work i'm doin'........it's not for nothing.
and this garbage stuff? it's not mine anymore.

flexing my muscles.....

my brain is whirling this morning.

i'm watchin' the end of a friend's marriage...
and thinking how strange that whole path is.
there's so much effort in the beginning.
and then...there's so many tiny little deaths
along the way that they just seem to add up
to too much. and then it's too hard, too much
effort....or not worth the effort?

i don't know.
i just see it over and over and over again.

which brings me to 'discontentment'.....
i'm watching another friend who is 'discontented'
right now. and i can see how it's coloring his
whole world. and causing problems for him.

and so i turned my eyes to my own heart.
and definitely see discontentment in certain
places.

when i looked at my friend and his actions,
i thought how self centered discontentment
makes you.

and so i turned my eyes to my own heart again.
yeah.
i can be really self centered in my discontentment
areas too. self absorbed.

amazing how it stunts your vision.

ohhhhhh there's stuff to look at here.

so then it brings me all back to 'focus.'
where you focus. what you focus on. what you put
your energy towards.

which all brought me to a very short lived friendship
that passed thru my life. i was feelin' kinda bummed
that it was so short and gone already. has been bothering
me the last few days.

when i thought of this discontentment and focusing
stuff.

truly.
it truly all IS in how you look at it.

everyone i care about passes too quickly thru my life.
even if i get years and years and years with them.
it's too quick.

and yet......how lucky am i to have them come thru???

so all these thoughts whirled thru the blender of my mind.
and i whisked them together....and got this....

i've got so much.
i either concentrate on what i've got and keep workin'
at makin' it better, expanding my sight to see everyone
involved really clearly....

or i look at what i've lost and what i'm missing,
and focus smaller and smaller and lose the vision....

it's a no brainer, no?

and yet...it takes some muscle.

off to flex my muscle a bit....

wondering about peace....

i live in a really interesting county.
in the surrounding counties, it's known
as the county not to be in.

i want to say it's the poorest county in
the area, and yet, at the same time, i'm
pretty sure it's THE richest population of
african americans in the entire country.

so try to figure that mix.
it's poor whites, poor blacks, rich blacks
and middle class whites?? i don't know...
it's a weird mix. my neighborhood is blue
collar mixed.

i see a lot of interesting mixes at events.

last nite was no exception.
we went to the poor neighborhood event....
the poor, mostly white event.

i sat there thinking about war and independence
as i watched everyone milling around.

there is so much mixed into what class you're in,
what education you have, where you grow up,
who you hang out with, what you do with your time....

i am struck with this every time i go to an event.
doesn't matter if it's a rich white event,
a rich black event, a mixed middle class event...
whatever....i'm always struck by the different
moods and feels of the different groups.

i feel a strong flavor with each one of the groups.
and i notice it so much now as i see so many
different ones.

some i see more blending than others.....
but the gaps between the groups, the lines that
somehow form....they're so strong, and so apparent.

how do we ever blend an entire planet into peace??

it felt kinda hopeless last nite as i sat there
and watched....

it was an interesting independence day celebration,
that's for sure.

july fourth!

i love the fireworks tonite.

and the time goofin' with my family.

the whole meaning of the day tho gets
a lotta of emotions swirling that i
don't know what to do with.

cause it's not all black and white.

i sure wish life was black and white
sometimes. it'd be a lot easier.

i'm certainly glad we're independent.
and i honestly feel blessed to have
the freedoms we do.

recently i thought of women in other
countries and i just got sick over
their lives.

i hate war.
and yet i see so much conflict everywhere
with people not hearing or seeing that
i wonder how we've ever survived this long.
i wonder if we'll ever learn another way.

i see greed and power and hatred running
so much....

i see good mixed in with evil.

i see a swirling mass of complicated human
issues that don't look like we've learned
much at all about.

i don't see any clear answers.

i actually have these funky little camo pants
i bought at the thrift store. mostly cause
that hunter guy of mine has me noticing camo.

but today i slipped them on because of the
holiday. so that whenever i look down at my
legs i'll remember the whole huge mix of things
this day holds.

and i'll remember how lucky i am that i have
the freedom to do so.

arranging....

the fun has begun.
josh stayed the nite last nite.
and this morning there was a lot of
goofin' on facebook.
yo got on josh's account and posed as
josh and then josh did the same to yo!

then as i was laughing about it all, i
found out josh got on and posed as me!

i'm looking forward to a day of laughter.
we're off to a good start.

while they were doin' all this, i was
wakin' up with a book. got this line i
wanted to share....

it's a quote from virginia woolf -

'arrange whatever pieces come your way.'

that's it.
that one line.

i immediately thought of a few pieces
that have come my way.
and i was struck by the simplicity and
gorgeousness of this idea.

it's all in how we arrange, isn't it?

gonna make one heck of an arrangement today.